A Snippet of Life In Fasttime

Random & Miroku: Hot or Not?

"Hey there, still working on the musical?"

Random looked up from her notepad, adjusting her sunglasses.
"Miroku, old chap, shouldn't you be with Uotani 'bout now?"

He shook his head.  "She went to meet up with Minor and her

"Oh?" she said, curious.

"Seemed to be a very personal thing, so I decided to give her
some room."

"Aaah.  So you've got nothing to do?"

He reclined on the beach chair next to hers and pulled a pair of
sunglasses in with the Logrus.  "Tohru is giving Juri more
cooking lessons at the moment, and the VR machine is more or less
finished at this point."

"And Minako's having sex with guardsman Tomos."

He frowned.  "C'mon, give me some credit.  I'm working on this
monogamy thing.  Honest."

"S'not easy, I'll tell you that right now."

"Oh yeah?  How long have you-"

"Twenty years."




"First ten years were murder, but yeah."

"Damn.  Still looking to expand?"

Random closed her notepad and tapped her chin with the pen.

"Don't tell me you're not."


"No way."

"I'll put it this way.  Juri's been the best thing in my life in
a long time.  It'd be nice if a harem fell into our lap, but I'm
not going to push things.  If it's just her and I in a monogamous
relationship for the rest of eternity, I'll take it."

"Monogamous.  You."

"Yep.  That's me.  Monogamous Random."

"Gotta admit, you've really outdone yourself this time.  Princess
Juri.  Wow."

"Damn right, skippy.  Ten outta ten on the hotness scale."

"Nine point five," judged Miroku.

Random paused a doubtful pause.   "No ten?"

"You make it sound like nine point five is an insult."

"She's perfect," said Random with the utmost confidence.

"The curly thing she does with her hair, I dunno.  And she's a
little too reserved."

Random hmmed a moment.  "Okay.  Let's toss out personality."

"Going by the shallow scale?"

Random nodded.  "Distanced perspective.  You don't know her aside
from looking at them in pictures."

"Still a nine point five."

"Does the hair thing bother you that much?"

"It's a nine point five, Random.  I'm not calling her ugly."

"Okay," she replied, irritation creeping into her voice.  "Who's
a ten, then?"

"Princess Michelle."

Random considered this.  "Okay.  Alright.  I'll give you that.
She's hot."

"Perfect woman."

"Very feminine, yes.  And so very frisky.  A pity that it'd be
too awkward to move in on her.  Would love to know firsthand how
good she is."

Miroku shuddered in ecstacy at the memories.  "She's fantastic."

"I hate you."  She flung her pen at him.

He caught it easily and tossed it back.  "You're crazy about me."

"Still hate you."  She mock pouted.  "So, how'd you rate the

He crosses his arms and contemplated in a way only a monk can.
"Utena's hot."

"Very hot."  She hesitated.  "You didn't-"

He shook his head.  "She doesn't approve of my lifestyle."



"You enjoy those hugs a little more than you should, don't you."

Miroku poked her nose.  "Tell me you don't."

Random coughed politely.

"That's what I thought."

"She's a good queen.  Large kingdom. Vast tracts of land."

"I don't believe you're saying that with a straight face."

"Never let'em know you're hugging to grope."

Miroku laughed.  "True.  Hm.  Okay, if we're going to start
rating, I think we need to start from the top."


"Hot, in an elder statesman sort of way."

"Yep.  Gendo."



"C'mon, he's got that brooding sexiness thing going on."

"Radiates a little too much heartlessness.  And I don't dig
facial hair."

"Hn.  Okay, the late queens.  Sakura."

"Hot.  Pity she was such a bitch."

"Hot.  Though I think her circumstances-."

"He was an asshole, she was a bitch," interrupted Random.  "I
think that defines things about right."

"Okay, yeah.  Yvette, hot."

"Yep.  Haruka, double-hotness."

"Agreed.  Rei, cute.  Wouldn't say hot, but definitely cute."

"Aye.  Cuteness.  Lorelei?"

"Exotic hot."

"Yep.  Reminds me of gra'ma Anthy."

"Who is also exotic hot."

"Very," agreed Random.  

"I think we're out of Queens," said Miroku.

"Lady Yumi then.  Not quite a queen, but certainly a contemporary
of the era."

Miroku nodded.  "Fair enough."

"Hot," they said in unison.

"If she ever wants to recruit for a harem, I am so nudging Juri

Miroku laughed.  "King Tylor?"

"Not exactly sexy," answered Random.  "But still attractive."

"Cute doesn't quite seem to be the word, does it."

"Not exactly," agreed Miroku.  "Charming?"

"Hm.  Yes, that works well enough."

"Queen Yuriko?"

"Tres Hotness.  I have to wonder if she cracks the whip in bed."

"She does."

Random stared at him.  "You _didn't_"

"Nonono!  I just walked in on them.  C'mon, you've walked in on
them too."

"Yes, but I've never seen them break out the toys."

Miroku shrugged.  "It happens.  Who's next..."



"Amazed he doesn't have a harem.  His wife, Suu?" asked Random.

"Not.  Not that she's ugly, but... no."

"I dunno, she's got a peppy energy sorta cuteness going on.

"Hot.  He's got that aura of commanding presence."

"Almost hot.  Beard has to go."

"You really don't like facial hair, do you."

"Gets in the way," said Random.  "Van.  Hot."

"Hot.  Though aside from his looks I haven't met the man enough
to get a better read."

"He's kind of not smooth with the opposite sex.  Saionji."

"Touga-lite hot."

"S'wot I was gonna say.  Eowyn?"

"Haradian chicks are hot," said Miroku.

Random nodded.  "Yep.  We covered Juri."

"Hot.  Ditto Corrine."

"Cushions of ecstacy.  Makoto."

"Cute.  Hansome.  Sexy seems to be the wrong word for it."

Random nodded.  "Tasty."

"That's a really gross thing you two do, you know.  Even
Chaosians don't normally do that."

"Which is why it is fun.  Corey."

Miroku thought about this for a moment.  "Hot, in a really basic
and primal sort of way."

"Hip-thrust-through-a-wall thing, yes."

"Who's next?" wondered Miroku.  "Miki."

There was an awkward and terrible silence.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.  "I didn't mean-"

"No, it's alright, what's done is done.  And I can't keep on
scuttling away every time his name is brought up, or Kozue's, or
Madoka's."  A half-beat later, she added, "Cute."

Miroku nodded.  "Yeah."

"Kozue had this viper-like sexiness about her," said Random,
frowning slightly as she thought of her traitorous friend.

"Utena," blurted Miroku, nudging the conversation onward.  "Hot."

"We covered that one already too."

"Did we?  I forgot."

Random nodded.  "We agreed.  Hotness.   Wakaba."


"Cute, but that hair, it bugs me.  Vash?"

Miroku shrugged.  "Doesn't really bring out any strong opinions
in me."

"Kinda cute.  Cute enough for gra'ma Anthy, anyway.  Hm... I
think that's it for that bunch.  Next round?"

Miroku nodded.   "Grandma Keiko.  Hot."

"Pfft.  Not."

"You still have a problem with her hair."


"Michelle we covered," said Miroku.

"And I still hate you."


"You don't know the half of it.  Her partner in crime, the lady

"Oooh yeah."

Both of them shuddered in ecstacy as they remembered.

"Nagisa," said Random next.  "Cute."

"Cute is the word, yes.  Grandad Ramon."

"Mmm. Beefy.  Don't blame granddad for having that fling with

"Don't ever bring that up in front of him, though, he gets all
touchy and in denial."

Random smirked.  "Indeed.  Shinobu the Major.  Eeh."

"Eeh.  Shizumaru?"


"That word's about right.  Too uptight, though."

"Can you blame the man?" asked Random.  "He's nearly as nice as
Uncle Beowulf and life's treated him like crap.  It's a miracle
he's not as mean as Shinobu Major."

"Point taken.  And speaking of Beowulf..."

"Huggy-bear cute."

Miroku laughed.  "True, though those lectures..."

"Ye gods, the lectures, don't remind me.  What's next?"

"Hmm. Queen Jacqui."

"Cute.  She's still such a kid, though, even though she's my ma."

"It adds to her cuteness, I think.  Kanna."

"Big Sexy," said Random.

"Great hugs," added Miroku.

"Her husband must have one sturdy spine."

"Kentaro?" asked Miroku.

"Based only on looks, he certainly is the hottie."

"Yep.  Kuonji."

"Oddly hot.  I've got this thing for crossdressers."

"Not.  A little too androgynous for me."

"Moonshade," said Random next.  "Hot."


"Elf ears," they said in unison.  "Mmmmmm."

"Motoko?" asked Miroku.

"Hot, in that
bundle-of-passion-wrapped-up-in-a-conservative-wrapping sort of

"In denial, like granddad.  And hot.  Queen Mutsumi?"

Random considered this, a moment's awkwardness of thought passing
silently.  "Hot, in that pseudo-innocent sexpot sort of way."

Miroku smiled.  "She does it so well.  Naru."

"Eh, kinda plain.  Not bad, not bad at all, but not spectacular
in any sort of way."

"You think?  I think she's hot."

"You've got a thing for violent chicks."

"Point.  Shinobu Minor."

"Hot.  A pity she couldn't get into mama's harem."

"Hot.  Embran chicks are hot.  Sumire?"

Random ran a tongue over her upper teeth.  "Hot.  Too bad about
the personality, but as far as her looks goes, certainly hot."

"Ditto.  King Thoric?"

"His hotness is evident in the number of women lusting for his

"Agreed, hot.  Needs to finally surrender and go with the
uberharem plan."

"Ha.  Easier said than done," said Random.  "Lily.  Rrrrowr."

"Aunt Lily's very attractive, yes."

"Your mom's hot too."

Miroku smiled.  "Yeah, she is."



"Mom I'd Like To-"

"Hey, hey now."

Random snickered.  "Who else... ah, Davros."

"Dad's a sex machine."


"Onward to our generation?" asked Miroku.

Random shrugged.  "Might as well."

"Aburatsubo," said Miroku.

"Like his dad."

"Very hot.  A pity his love life has been on the rocks."

"True.  Akari."

They both lapsed into puzzled silence.

"She's spent so much time in child form it's hard to really
classify her in any way relating to sex," said Miroku.

"Seen her in the shower in her adult form a few times.  Excellent
curves, surprisingly busty.  But the child thing does kind of
throw the wrench into any sort of thoughts towards sexiness."

"Tough call.  Let's move on."

"Anya?" asked Random.

"Sexy," said Miroku.

"In that horny, young, and full of energy sort of way, no?"

Miroku nodded.  "Yep."



"Hot.  And no, I am not making a fire pun.  Chloe?"

"Erm.  Cute.  Strangely asexual, but cute."

"Took the words out of my mouth.  Dee's sexy."

"My sister is indeed hot."

"A pity we're too closely related, or I'd be all over those

"Yeah, me too."

They both shuddered.  "Elf ears," they said in unison.

"Gotta get those magic elf ears they're advertising some time,"
said Random.

"For you or for Juri?"

Random stared at him.

"Oh, duh, both," said Miroku.  "Sorry."

"Haru.  Hot."

"Hot.  Needs to take advantage of his hotness."

"Pfft.  Mister Balance would say he's distubing the precarious
balance of his sex appeal."

"He could have sex with two women at once.  That would be
balanced:  one on each side of him."

Random started snickering.

"What?" asked Miroku.

"Seesaw sex."


Random mentally ticked down a list.  "Jewel.  Sis is cute."

"Yeah, she is.  Too bad she hates my guts."

Random scratched her head.  "She hated all of my boyfriends.  Go


Another lapse of awkward silence.


Finally, Random muttered, "Eh, can't have sex with a building."

"You can, actually," said Miroku.

Random stared at him.  "You _DIDN'T_"

"No!  No!  Not me, it was one of the other Kundalites, it's a
long story."

"With lumber sex."

"More like brick and mortar."

"Damn!  That had to hurt."

"It was when this Kundalite Monk came upon a-"

"Ah-ah.  Shush."

"It's not-"

"I Do Not Want To Know."

Miroku shrugged.  "Okay, fine, have it your way.  Who's next?"



"Yep, in that tomboyish-girl-next-door sort of way."

"Refreshingly down to earth, she is."

"One of these days that wood block Sousuke will finally realize
what he's got."

"And she'll realize what she's got.   Makoto Minor?"

"She's hot, kinda like Kaname.  Same vibe."

"Very hot.  And she knows how to use food very creatively."

Random gasped.  "I never thought she'd get freaky with the food."

"She knows these great tricks with watermelons."

"Er.  Moving along now.... Minako."


"Cute.  She's too doofy to be hot."

"My perspective, I think, is tainted by me having had sex with

"True."  Random paused.  "Hey."


"You've had sex with all three of us," pointed out Random.

"Why yes," replied Miroku carefully.   "I guess I have."

Random crossed her arms.  "So spill."

"I know you're not asking me to compare."

"Of course I am."


"You're just going to praise us each in our own way, aren't you."



Miroku laughed.  "I don't usually compare women in terms of
better or worse.  They're different, like apples and oranges.
Minako's smarter than people think, Makoto is sexy in her
strength, and you're so very full of life."

Random blushed slightly.  "Still a copout.  Who's next?"

"Nanbara," replied Miroku.


"He's not that bad."

"So you think he's hot?"

"Hell no."

"Right.  Two thumbs down.  Next?"

"Nanami Minor."

Random frowned.  "Now that I think about it, eerily like the late
Nanami the Major in appearance."

"Genetics," dismissed Miroku.

"Indeed.  Cute, then."

"She'd punch you if you called her cute."

"Ha. True.  So, you?"


"Your violent chick fetish."

Miroku smiled.  "I am what I am."




"I thought you didn't like hairy guys?" prodded Miroku.

"Facial hair.  Body hair's a bit different.  And it's just so
soothing to run your hands through his fur when he's doing his
panther thing."  She adjusted her glasses and smiled a nostalgic
sort of smile.  "I remember the pickup line I used on him.  'I
lost my tiger plushie.  Can I sleep with you instead?'"

Miroku laughed.  "How'd he react?"

"He laughed too.  Good guy, that Orien.  Who've we got next?"

"Ota Minor," answered Miroku.  "Not Hot."

"Hot enough for _Violet_," muttered Random.

"Are you still upset about that?"

"No, not at all.  Who's next... Setsuna?"

"Hot.  Well-toned body, suave looks."

"Yeah, he's like me, except with a dick, and a cone fixation."

Miroku began laughing again.  Random kept the utterly serious
face on for a few seconds, then joined him in laughter.  After a
minute, they finally settled down.

"Where were we?" asked Random.

Miroku mentally flipped through the list of family members in his
head.  "Shiori."

"I'd give her my body in a heartbeat, if I was single.  Hottest
thing in the seas."

"An undeniably high level of hotness, yes.  Suzuka."

"Eh.  A little too dry, of the conservative Lipunese type.  She
doesn't even have that pent-up sexual aggravation appeal her
mother has."

"I think she's hot."


"Yes.  She has a nice body and a very classical face.  Hot.  Too
bad about the personality."

"Indeed," said Random.  "Tohru."

"Hot.  She's turned into quite the sexy lady."

Random rested her chin on her steepled hands for a moment,
thinking.  "She's.... beautiful."

"_You_ sound quite smitten," said Miroku.

"Me?  Nonsense, I merely tell it like it is, and she's beautiful.
She's above the 'cute' catergory, but  she's too.... pure, I
guess, to apply the 'sexy' term to.  She is, in a word,
beautiful.  C'mon, gimmie the next one."


Random covered her face with her hands and mock-wept, Miroku
patting her on the back as she did.

"Now, now, that's okay," soothed Miroku.  "If it's any
consolation, I can't have her either.  Too closely related."

"Let's make a pact.  Neither of us will have sex with her.

"It's a deal."

Random took a deep breath.  "I think I feel better about it."




Random asked, "Hot?"

"Trust me, when she gets worked up, she's hot."

"You _didn't_."

"Why do you keep on assuming I had sex with everybody?"

"Because you've had sex with just about everybody who's willing."
Random rapped her fingers upon her beach chair.  "We rated just
about everyone worth rating?"

Miroku thought about this for a moment.  "The Chaos Ambassador

"Ah.  Shigure?"

"Hot," said Miroku.

"Goofy.  I can see why he and Minako are attracted to each other.


"Hot.  Eerily like Miki, though."

Miroku blinked.  "He is, isn't he.  Still hot, though.  Kyou?"

Random mulled this for a moment.  "He'd hate me for saying this.
Cute.  Adorably so."

"Cute?  How so?"

"He's got this adorable streak of innocence at his core, despite
his gruff exterior."

"I suppose he does.  I think he's hot.  Looks great shirtless."

"Looks yummy, shirtless, but I still think the cute factor is


Random shook her head.  "Hadn't met the others, except Kagura.
Who is too goofy to be hot, and too violent to be cute."

"She's cute once you get to know her."

"Ah-huh."  Random reclined in her chair and stared at some
passing clouds.  

"We forget anyone else?" asked Miroku.

"Might as well include the guardsmen.  We see them often enough,
anyway.  Uotani."


"Hot.  I don't really dig the violent chick thing, though.

"Mysteriously hot."

"Breezily hot.  Tomos."


"The term yummy manflesh comes to mind.  I'm amazed I hadn't
noticed him sooner.  Wouldn't have minded giving him a try.

"Sexy," said Miroku.

"Very.  And also very hetero, as I found out.  I think we've
reached the end."

Miroku remained silent for a moment.  "I realize, we seemed to
have skipped ourselves."

"Have we?"

"That we have."

"I think it's self-evident how we feel," said Random, slowly
pulling away her glasses.

"Yeah, it is, I guess," said Miroku.

They said to each other, in unison, "I'm the hottest thing on
earth."  Afterwards, they snickered, gave each other a high-five,
and spoke of other plays for other days.