(to Nick Cave's "Stagger Lee")

It was after Patternfall when times were hard
She was the daughter of some old Chaos laird

She had a big ol' sword and a mean-ass scowl
Had a set of bagpipes, made an awful howl

Her da kicked her out one ominous day
To go be diplomatic down Amber way

So she practiced a few formidable cuts
Then chowed down on a bowl of oracular guts

She said "Och, Sheepataur, ye know who I am?"
The sheepataur snarled "Well ye look like an eater of lamb"
To Ceitidh

She said, "Well ye pillock tis a-plain ta see
I'm th' bad Feegle Hellmaid called Ceitidh
Lady Ceitidh ta you"

Sheepataur said, "You eat me brothers every day!"
"Aye I do, and they were mighty tasty by the way,"
Said Ceitidh

Well those there the final words they chanced to pass
Because then Ceitidh took off running to save her ass

So then she meets this guy rather handsome and brown
Seemed taken with Ceitidh despite that mean-ass frown
He was pretty smooth, knew a kilt from a skirt
He and Ceitidh, they started to flirt
Him and Ceitidh

There was a big old fight, Vialle almost got dead
Ceitidh got to kick lots of people in the motherf'ing head
Malc said, "This really sucks, let me show you around
There's this giant wooden badger we can see in the town
Lady Ceitidh"

"But there's something I have to say before we begin
There's this scary-ass wolf running round without any skin
Lady Ceitidh"

"Ach, I'll drag ye around, through Amber's streets and halls
Then I'll go down and kick this wolf in its skinless balls"
Said Ceitidh

"Aye, I'm a bad Feegle hellmaid don't ye ken
An' I'm turned on by fightin' just as much as by you men"
Said Ceitidh

Just then in roars the wolf and he snarls, "You must be
The damn hated Maker called Tobias!"
Tobias? "Ach, that doesna rhyme!"

"Nae, I'm Ceitidh, and ye'd best get down at me feet
An' lick me boots, cause if ye dinna yer ass is gonna be beat,"
Said Ceitidh

Well the wolf he leapt for the hellmaid's throat
And Ceitidh tossed him into the Oak
Ach, silly bugger

(Fade out with wailing bagpipe solo)