Page two

"It, ah.... isn't that bad at all. Um. Unless you trip.
And if you trip, well, you'll die. But nobody's ever tripped.
Um. Except one of my great-uncles."
-- Jacqueline, trying to explain how the Pattern is Mostly Harmless, really.

"What, I died?"
"Um... yeah, dad, you're dead."
"Damnation."
-- Jacqueline and the Patternghost of Ota 'Shaft' Tenjou have a heart-to-heart

Shaft says, "You wouldn't think a girl who looked like a guy could be so good, but...and those spatula tricks. Damn."
Jaqueline blushes. "I-I really don't need to hear this."
-- Things you don't need to find out from your parents.

"ah... speaking of kids... I think... ah... Moonshade and dad have a lot to talk.. er... bludgeon... or... something.... about. Please don't destroy the pattern room."
-- Jacqueline, trying to get half-sister Moonshade and Patternghost of Shaft to make peace.

Moonshade says, "You probably couldn't even remember my mother's name after you had sex with her!" She kicks him in the balls.
Jaqueline cringes
He doubles over. "I could never forget someone as good as she was," he mumbles.
Jaqueline exclaims, "Daaaaad! Try and, um, word things better? you're em-ba-ra-sing me."
Ota says, "I was afr...yeah. I remember her."
-- A touching family reunion.

"Hi! If you're seeing this hologram, you've attacked Ember with Outsider powers. We have traced your location via Trump. Option Zero begins in five.. four... Three... two..."
"Hmm, sounds like Gabrielle isn't too pleased with you."
"One... Have a nice day!"
Then LARGE MASSIVE TRUMP GATES open up, And many, many pies fly out.
-- Gabrielle expresses her displeasure at Naussica's little tactical decision while her father provides commentary.

"What did you do to irritate Gabrielle?"
"We... uh, threw Yagg-ngaroth into the sun. ^^; *ow ow ow*"
"And why exactly did you throw an Outsider at Ember?"
"I *OW!* don't remember anymore *OW!* father! We didn't exactly *OW!* know it was an Outsider at the *YEEOWCH!* time!"
"Perhaps you should call me back when you're done with your little party."
"That sounds like a *itte itte itte* good idea, father. I'm sorry about this."
-- Mikage and Naussica discussing said tactical decision during the rain of the red-hot cherry pies.

Jaqueline thinks for a moment, then asks, "Uncle Mo, was Bumpy the Pimp linked to dad's pattern in any way?"
Morgenstern looks thoughtful.
Morgenstern says, "Not exactly. There was a sort of SuperBumpy due to the flaw in the Pattern."
Jaqueline says, "Lowen of Chaos was trying to kill him the same day dad died."
He continues, "Weird. Maybe he thought Bumpy had to die too."
Nagisa asks, "So he was a product of the odd pattern rather than an intrinsic part of it?"
Morgenstern looks thoughtful. This is rare.
-- It's a sign of the apocolypse, folks...

Mitsune then gets down on her knees and bows. "I have a big mouth, and I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have told anyone, but it just slipped out."
Motoko gets down on her knees as well and tilts Mitsune's head up, finger under the chin. Her expression is neutral. "Mitsune-chan?"
Mitsune looks up at you, not looking very happy. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry," she says.
Motoko leans forward and pecks her on the lips.
Mitsune's eyes widen in surprise.
Motoko draws back, but not especially quickly. "Does that convince you I don't hate you?"
- Motoko convinces Mitsune she doesn't hate her for blabbing about the red dress

Snickers says, "I think you're going to have to hunt down your father's killer and show them you can be reliable."
Jaqueline stares at Snickers. Clearly, the cat talking was not what she was expecting.
- It's a bad day when even the family pets start telling you what you ought to be doing.

Jaqueline says, "Hi uncle ramon. I was wondering if you could, ah, help introduce someone to Amber?" She brings Moonshade into the trump. "Uncle, this is my half-sister Moonshade."
Moonshade looks Ramon up and down and grins. "Now you look like a real piece of work."
Jaqueline pales. "He's married," she says quickly
- The Shaft 'Mack' gene at work.

"...But you don't know anything about dreams, you miserable little construct. You're nothing but the cast off blood of a parasite, of someone who doesn't even have any dreams of his own. I did what I did from love, while you know nothing but the commands of your hormones. And to make it worse, it was quite obvious that your technique was pathetic. Kozue would have gotten more pleasure from a toilet rod than you. Falme, give this man an ice cream cone. It'll keep his mouth shut so he can't dribble on me."
-- Don't mess with Mikage.

"Hello, daughter. Have you met Ota's other daughter, the giant slut?"
-- Keiko tells Motoko about Moonshade (not in Moonshade's presence, fortunately).

"Good heavens. That's where Uncle Ota's legendary sex drive must have gone."
-- Moriya, upon hearing a (biased) account from Keiko of Moonshade hitting on Ramon.

"You see this hat?"
-- Motoko Weatherwax, Discworld's newest witch.

Utena tries to look feral. "Ugh, Hulk smash!" she says enthusiastically.
-- Utena the Barbarian, warrior hussy of Discworld.

"You're in luck, valued CAFAM customers!" Moriya points back the way that they came. "If you head in that direction, you'll find a giant mountain range of coffee beans. The spikard's buried within that range; you'll probably have to dig through and cart off large amounts of the beans in order to reach it."
***
Moriya pauses, then points up the stairs. "I think there was gold up there."
The Dwarves rush to the stairs, start up them, then the trap goes off and they all fall in the spiked pit.
***
Moriya blinks, and points. "Look! An audit!"
"You need this for...Audit? Where?" The tax collector looks around.
Moriya says, "Down that hallway. Keep going, and find the stairs. Up that way."
The taxman takes the form from Motoko, then runs off the direction Moriya pointed.
You hear in the distance the sound of someone falling and shouting, "Hey, did someone pay the Trap Tax on this thiiiiinnnngggg...."
Moriya says, "Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice, shame on...heheh."
***
Moriya points. "Look! It's a coyote planning humorous mayhem in order to catch a roadrunner, and he needs explosives!"
The Runes of Dyna-mite run off the direction Moriya pointed.
Moriya smiles vaguely. "I'm getting good at this."
-- Moriya, Master of Misdirection. Maybe Mitsune is rubbing off on him.

Morgan blinks. "'It'"???"
Naru asks, "It?"
Morgan points to the reference to herself with a distasteful look.
Naru says, "Taylor seems to have been both insane and obnoxious."
-- reading Taylor's annotations, in which Morgan's hermaphrodite status is put badly.

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