Note -- If some links are broken, most of the fanfiction listed here can be found at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/ OR http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ (Drum Roll) V.O: Ladies and Gentlemen of the FFML....A very special presentation from the Desk of Megane 6.7..... * * * "Every night in my dreams....I see you....I feel...." The crowd gasps as an enormous chicken suddenly drops from the ceiling right on top of her. *SPLAT!!!* The chicken clucks a few times and looks around before standing up to reveal the squashed singer. Then the chicken suddenly gives a loud BAAWK!!! before laying an enormous egg that cracks open on Celine's head. Celine screams in horror as she is covered from head to toe with egg yolk. The chicken trots off in search of feed while Celine storms off-stage, fuming and a little shell-shocked. * * * (Music Cue: The Catchy CB Theme, Whatever song you like best....) LIVE FROM TORONTO, CANADA!!! IT'S THE FIRST ANNUAL CHICKEN BALL AWARDS!!! PRESENTED BY OUR SPECIAL GUESTS.... Jussi Nikander Sean Gaffney Redneck Gaijin The Eternal Lost Lurker The Flashman Gary Kleppe Angel LaShawn M. Taylor Dr. Maxwell Edison Scott Jamison J. Austin Wilde Kasumi the Axe Murderess ;P Jarald Bailey Tybalt Suns-Kun Jeffery "Oneshot" Wong Shori Wong And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your hosts for this event: Megane 6.7 and Robin "Lunari" Seabaugh! Megane 6.7 and Lunari emerge together from the center of the curtain, smiling and waving as the fanfiction world comes to their feet and gives them a standing ovation. Megane is decked out in a black tuxedo while Lunari is a true vision in a low cut, black velvet dress. As they approach the podium, the crowd gives them another wild round of applause. (Hey, why not?) then finally settle down and take their seats as Megane begins his speech. "Wow! Thanks for the warm reception! I'd like to thank all of you as well for casting your votes and being patient with me while I organized the event. I apologize for taking so long and hopefully I'll get it right next year...." "Yeah, right...." Lunari mutters under her breath. Megane glances over at her and she simply smiles at him. Shrugging, he plows on. "Anyway...." Megane continues "I created these awards for two reasons. One: To see some great fanfics that tended to be skipped over for more well-known titles, get the recognition that they deserve! And Two: To administer some good-natured roasting to a select few...." "So, without further ado...." Lunari continues for him. "Let's bring out our first presenter for 'Funniest Fanfic of 1997', Mr. Jussi Nikander!" Megane 6.7 and Lunari applaud with the audience as Jussi walks to the stage, wearing a spotless black tuxedo and black shoes. The spotlights are focused on him as starts to speak. "Ladies and gentlemen, heroes and heroines, villains and other evils, vampires, pegasi, and other creatures of the myths, aliens of every sort, and fellow authors. I have been given the honor of presenting the award for the funniest fanfic of the year. An incredibly large number of really funny fics were released this year, so I'm sure it has been really hard to choose the one to receive the Chicken Ball for the funniest fic. Anyway, the nominees for the funniest fanfic of the year are...." -- "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles -- "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut" by Andrew Huang -- "The More Things Change" by RpM -- "The Nameless Sequel" by Mike Loader -- "The Pursuit of Happiness" by RpM "A bunch of really funny fics, aren't they. I remember the time I read each them the first time: in most cases I was rolling on the floor laughing and gasping for air. I especially remember, when I read..." From off-stage, a small dumbbell with a note attached to it is thrown at Jussi and hits him squarely to the head, knocking him down. Jussi scrambles to his feet and reads the note, grumbling and rubbing his head. He shoots a glare at whoever threw the dumbbell and turns back to look at the audience. "Get to the point, she says...Now, since it seems that some people are quite insistent about finding out the winner *right now*," Jussi shoots another glare off-screen "I'll skip the rest of my speech." Jussi opens the envelope containing the name of the winner. "The winner of the Chicken Ball for the funniest fanfic of the year is *The Nameless Sequel* by Mike Loader! Congratulations!!" The crowd cheers as Mike Loader stumps onto Ye Awards Stage, clad in a sweater, turtleneck, and slacks. He looks about as formal as a dead raccoon, but not quite casual enough for the ushers to toss out on his ear as he accepts the Golden Chicken Ball Award from Jussi and begins his acceptance speech. "Right. Wow. Cool." "Not exactly sure wot all to say, other than the usual thanks to the academy, the cast and director, Nigel at the Cajun Takeaway, and to all the height-challenged people... "The Nameless Sequel was done, as the name suggests, as a sequel to the Varaiyah Cycle. I like to think that I got the style down better in it, but it may just be that my ego's swelled since joining the list. "Anyhow, it was written mostly because people thought the first one was mildly amusing. Unlike IMBS, it really doesn't have any neat philosophical points innit. It's just me trying to make folks laugh. "It did spawn one darkfic quite by accident, which gives you an idea just how funny it is. "Will there be a sequel to it? Could be. Is possible. "And there is no Episode 9. No, really. Honest. It was never secretly written and released to the prereaders as a thank-you gift, and I've no idea how the rumor got started. "Anyhow, thanks a bunch. To those who've complained that all my stuff of late has been dark and dismal - a new project is in the works that hopefully should satisfy." The band begins playing as Mike walks off stage. "And now...." the announcer's voice booms. "Here to present the award for 'Best Sadfic of 1997', the author of *The High Cost of Loving* and creator of the *Tea Kettle Reviews*, Suds-Kun!" "Hello all!" Suds-Kun exclaims as he walks out on stage. He pulls out a Bayankala Onion and begins to peel it as he begins his speech. "When Megane 6.7 asked/begged for presenters for the Chicken Balls Awards, I thought I'd volunteer for 'Most Depressing' fanfic. Of course, this had nothing to do with the fact that my very first fanfic had been nominated. *snif* Later on the category was changed to "Best Sadfic" and my fic was dropped. *sniff* That didn't bother me, nope. *sniiff* The nominated fics were sadder and more depressing. *snniifff* In fact *snork* when I think of these stories *sniiiifffff* I can't help but get all misty eyed. *snnnniiifff* And...*sniff*....the nominees are....*sniiifff*...." -- "The Bitter End" by Zen -- "Nekophilia" by Greg Sandborn. -- "Poison" by Susan Doenime -- "Saishu no Wakare" by Webdragon -- "Transitions" by Richard Lawson Suds-kun tosses the peeled Bayankala Onion aside and picks up the winner's envelope. Tears are running down Suds-kun's face as the envelope is torn open. "Aawwwww! *snoorrrrrrrrrk* Ain't that sad? I remember the scene wher....*snif**snif**snif**snif* BAAWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL*" Suds-kun is overcome and begins to cry a like a fountain [TM Soun Tendou] "*bawll* And the *bawwll* winner is....*The Bitter End* by Zen!" The crowd applauds while the announcer's voice booms. "Accepting the award for Zen, is Akane Tendo!" Akane walks on stage, wearing a beautiful red evening gown, as she approaches the podium. "On behalf of Zen, I'd like to thank everyone that voted for his fanfic and all of his prereaders for their C&C and encouragement. I know some people were upset by the way I was portrayed in that fanfic but I hold no grudges towards Zen or Ukyou whatsoever. In fact, I've always felt personally that Ukyou has always been the best choice as a fiancee for Ranma....fiancee for Ranma.....fiancee for Ranma....fiancee for Ranma...." Megane 6.7 quickly rushes onto the stage, splashing tear water all over his trousers as he reaches Akane and slaps her on the back a few times.... ".....great story that you should check out is Megane 6.7's 'A Day in the Past'....'A Day in the Past'....'A Day in the Past'.... Megane 6.7 smacks his forehead and shakes Akane furiously. "....but I hold no GrUdGEs TOwaRdS zEn or UkyOU....ZeN oR uKYOu....ZEn Or UKyOuuuuuuuuuuuu....." A loud bang is heard as Akane slumps forward onto the podium, exposing the wind-up key on her back. Megane 6.7 gives the audience a sheepish look. "Heh....I guess Sud-Kun's tears shorted out the....um....electrical systems on the Akane android. I guess you're wondering why we didn't use the real Akane for this acceptance speech....uh....Well, there's a very good reason for that....er.....but right now, it's time for the next award to be presented!" As the stagehands quickly use mops to wipe the ocean of tears that flooded the stage, Megane 6.7 cues the announcer before fleeing the stage himself, leaving the question of the Akane android for idle speculation. "Our next presenter is for the 'Best Lemon Scene of 1997', he is the author of *Golden Years* and a contributor to the epic crossover series *Undocumented Features*: Redneck Gaijin!" Redneck walks on stage and begins his speech. "There are many reasons why fanfic authors write lemon scenes. Some of us feel that it can be a valid, touching and emotional expression of emotion between two characters. Others feel that it provides an excellent opportunity to laugh at human sexuality, the cliché's of writing, and humanity in general. Still others just like to gross out the audience. And, of course, there are other reasons, too ticklish to mention here." "However, sometimes a particular lemon writer, or lemon scene, rises above the tide of spooge and becomes an example of the best a sex scene can aspire to be. Whether it its a loving interlude between a couple, a lunatic grope between a couple hundred, or just a scene so wild that it goes beyond those three little words... 'Oh, my God...' these scenes provide a shining pink light for the rest of us perverts to follow." "It gives me great pleasure to honor five such scenes by naming them as the nominees for the Best Lemon Scene of 1997." -- Nabiki, Ranma and Akane in "Nekophobia Side Story" by David Eddy -- Priss and Sylia in "Passages" by She-Hulk. -- Ranma and Ranma-Chan in Part Three of "Nullifier 122" by Webdragon -- Ryouga and Akane in "The Price of Passion" by Cindy Toler -- The entire second half of "Bubble Gum Pink: Raging Fires" by Larry Mann and Kris Overstreet. Redneck opens the envelope. "And the winner is....Ryouga and Akane in *The Price of Passion* by Cindy Toler!" The audience cheers as Cindy walks up on stage, wearing a long, off-white flowing gown. Her auburn/red hair hung in waves past her shoulders and for this special occasion she wore contact lenses instead of her usual glasses. A large entourage of people followed her on stage including her friends Gary, Andrew, Lea, Genia, Candy, Max, Vicky, Rebecca, David, Shiang-Shiang and Satchel. The cast members were there as well with Ryoga and Akane looking somewhat embarrassed, Ranma looking really angry, and Shampoo and Ukyo sitting on either side of Ranma and glaring at each other. Then Cindy walked up to the podium to accept her award. "Thank you very much! This is such a surprise! ^_^ I'd like to thank all my friends who were so supportive of me, especially Gary and Zebbie, the two best prereaders anyone could ever ask for! ^_^ And I'd like to thank my family, who have never seen this particular story and probably never will... *^_^* I'd also like to thank the cast, who did such a wonderful job, and thanks to all of you who voted for "The Price of Passion" or sent C&C on the story. Thank you so much!" The crowd applauds as Cindy leaves with her friends. Then the camera switches back to Megane 6.7. Megane 6.7: And now it's time for the "Procrastinator of the Year" award, presented by Gary Kleppe....Gary?" Gary: (off screen): We're not ready yet! Megane 6.7: Huh? Gary (off screen): Come back to this one later! Megane 6.7: Um....Okay then....And now the presenter for the 'Best Fight in a Fanfic for 1997' (drumroll) Angel!" Angel walks in wearing not a suit or tuxedo but martial artists gi. All of a sudden he notices every one staring at his choice of clothes he narrow his eyes and says "Hey, I thought that it was appropriate considering the award I'm presenting." He clears his throat "Well then, this year has seen many great fanfics and in those fics many great fight scenes. Good fight scenes are very difficult to write yet some of the best has been written in the past year. This year the nominees for 'Best Fight Scene in a Fanfic' are -- Happosai Vs. Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Mercury and Ranma in "Lines of Destiny" by Louis-Philippe Giroux -- Ranma/Wolverine in Gen X-Exchange students by HTG -- Ranma Vs. Ryouga in "Four Fiancees and a Funeral" by Shiaw Chi "Hokodan" -- The fight between Ryouga and Muhoshin on the bridge in Part 11 of "The More things Change" by RpM -- The finale of "Chasing the Wind" by J. Austin Wilde "Wow now that was a great bunch of fights! But you know what I would really like to see.... (He doesn't notice that Akane is coming to hand him the envelope with the winner.) The entire Ranma 1/2 Cast vs. Akanes cooking cause that's some truly lethal stuff." he begins to laugh when he notices the entire place is quiet and there is some one behind him he turns around to see Akane's battle aura glowing. "eep" Akane take out her mallet and with the battle cry "ANGEL NO BAKA!!!" proceeds to flatten him into the ground. When she's done she throws the letter on top of him and goes off mumbling darkly. A small and pained voice suddenly speaks "And the winner is....*The More things Change by RpM*! Now is there a doctor in the house?" Angel says as he passes out. Meanwhile, Rod strolls down the aisle, clad in dark blue docker slacks and a white long-sleeve shirt, the sleeves rolled up. He looks a bit surprised, even as he steps up to make his speech. "Well... er... what can I say? I'm fairly surprised that I won this thing. I absolutely, positively, REALLY loath and hate writing fight scenes, and this one was no exception. Thanks, everybody!" Rod walks off stage to applause. "And now," booms the announcer. "to introduce the award for 'Best MiSTing of 1997', here are the stars of R&R Reviews, Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki. They are joined by their producer, LaShawn M. Taylor!" Intro music plays as the stage lights up, but no one appears. As the music ends, hoarse whispering can be heard. "I can't believe this! I only turned my head for one minute..." "I told you this would happen!" "How can he do this?! This is my--I mean, our big scene!" "Ah well. Too bad. Looks like we can't go out there after all. If you excuse me--!" "Hold it! You ain't goin' anywhere! I paid a lot of money for that tuxedo and darn it, I'm gonna get what I paid for!" There was a soft click of a cellular phone being flipped open. "Hello, T-bone?...I need you to find Ryoga for me.....So what if it's not part of your job description; just find him!...I don't know! Use that fancy locator device or something!" "Sheesh. I still don't get why I gotta get dressed up and looking all fancy if all I'm going to do is hand some piece of cheap plastic to a guy who makes fun of folks' stories. And what's worse, none of this is even real--it's all taking place in everyone's imagina--OW!" "Will-you-shut-up-and-get-out-there?! And-SMILE!!!" The music starts up again as Ranma and LaShawn walks--or on Ranma's part, limps--to the podium. Ranma wears a black tuxedo with a red handkerchief tucked in his pocket, and is looking nervously about. LaShawn is wearing a glittering, sleeveless dark-green dress which contrasts nicely with her dark skin. She is grinning a little too widely. Upon reaching the podium, Ranma tugs on his collar and begins reading from the TelePrompTer in front of him. "Uh, thank you. My, LaShawn, you sure look lovely tonight!" LaShawn giggles. "You don't look too bad yourself, Ranma." Ranma just smiles nervously. LaShawn pokes him in the side. "Go on!" she whispers while still grinning. Ranma says out the side of his mouth. "But that's Ryoga's part, isn't it?" "He's not here, so you'll have to take his parts as well!" "Oh, man." He speaks louder. "Yes, LaShawn. In fact, if this was our show, I would give you a definite thumbs up for that dress of yours." He visibly flinches. "Oh Ryo--I mean, Ranma, you can be such a flatterer!" "Don't pay him--I mean, me, any mind. Besides, I would give you two thumbs up instead of one. You have to know what's good and what's not. That what makes a good reviewer." He takes a deep breath and continues. "Yes, Ra--uh, me, uh. Right. But it takes a special kind of finesse to not only review a fic, but to analyze it line-by-line, and come up with snappy repertoire and one-liners to compliment it or put it down. In some cases, the critique of the fic can overshadow the fic itself in style, humor and wit. That's why we're here to celebrate the creators of these fabulous critiques, or MiSTings, named after the hilarious cable program--Aw, this is crap! Who writes this stuff anyway? I don't even know what a 'repertoire' is! Whoever wrote this outta be shot--OW!" LaShawn steps off of Ranma's foot and growls happily into the microphone, "ANYWAY, the nominees for the best MiSTing of a fanfic are..." Suddenly, there is a low rumbling sound. Ranma and LaShawn looks bewilderedly about when the floor beside them rips open. Ryoga pops out of the newly-made hole, shaking the dust off of his own tuxedo. Yes, he is still wearing his trademark bandanna. "AT LAST!!!! I FOUND IT!!! IT TOOK ME A WHILE, BUT I FOUND IT!!! NOW I CAN--" He blinks. "Wait a minute. This isn't the bathroom." LaShawn glares at him. "YOU IDIOT! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" Ryoga looks chagrined. "I told you I was going to the bathroom..." "AND I SAID WAIT UNTIL AFTERWARDS, YOU DOLT!" LaShawn grabs him by the ear and yanks him over to the podium. "Just for that, you're gonna read the nominees ALL BY YOURSELF!" Ranma adds nonchalantly. "I told you to go before we left." Ryoga glares at him, then puts on a fake smile and reads from the TelePrompTer. "Yes, Ranma. But it takes a special kind of finesse--" "Been there already, P-chan." "I AM NOT P-CHA--OWWW!" LaShawn steps off of Ryoga's foot and growls, not so nicely as before. "Will-you-read-the-stupid-nominations?!" "Uh, okay. The nominees for the "Best MSTing" of a fanfic are: -- "'MST6.7': Episode 2: Artemis's Lover" by Megane 6.7 Ranma makes a retching sound but instantly shuts up at LaShawn's glare. -- "Evanjellydonut 1&3" by The Eternal Lost Lurker -- "'MST6.7' Episode 4: Judge Brainitite" by Megane 6.7 -- "The More Things Read" by RpM -- "'MST6.7' Episode 6: Transitions" by Megane 6.7 Ryoga blinks at the TelePrompTer. "Say, don't you think it's a bit odd that three of these nominations are done by the same guy who is also putting together this sho--OOF!" LaShawn retrieves her elbow from Ryoga's side and smiles prettily. "And the winner is..." She holds out her hand for the envelope. Ranma looks at Ryoga, who begins to pat his tuxedo. A few seconds pass, and Ryoga is turning red. LaShawn's hand begins to tremble. Ranma deadpans. "You didn't." "Uh, heh, heh. I thought it was here a few minutes ago." LaShawn slowly looks at Ryoga. "You. Lost. It?" "Well, I put it down for a second. You see, I was asking the Eskimo for directions to the bathroom--" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PUT--!!" There is a faint ringing sound. LaShawn stops in mid-rant, looks embarrassingly about, then pulls out her cellular phone (never mind where she pulls it from, okay?). "Hello?...T-bone?....Oh, thank God!...Yes, bring it here!...Yes, we need it now!" She turns to the audience. "It's okay. My assistant found it. She's bringing it up here no-OH MY GOD!!!" T-bone runs onto the stage. Maybe a better word would be 'bounce', for instead of being dressed elegantly, she is dressed in a green shirt, its bottom tucked into the top of the shirt and then pulled down again so as to accent her, um, talents. She is also in short shorts and is barefoot. Ranma gapes. Ryoga 'acks' and passes out in a spray of blood. LaShawn--understandably, since T-bone is her alter ego--loses it completely. "AUUUUUGHHH!!! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!?!?!" T-bone saunters up to the podium. "Excuse me, Miss I-don't-see-your-invitation-so-don't-bother-dressing-up, but it was your idea, not mine. So if you got a problem," Abruptly, she pushes LaShawn off the stage. "deal with it, honey." She turns to the audience and smiles saucily. "Anyway, like, the winner of this nomination is..." She digs in her shirt for a moment, which causes Ranma's eyes to pop out some more. After a few seconds of rummaging, she pulls out the envelope and opens it. "Well, deeeg, who would've thought! The winner is *The More Things Read" by RpM!* And while he's making his way down here, let me send a big puckered hello to all my boys down on the south side of Chi-town! Yo, homeys, whass'up, baaaaaaaybee!" Rod blinks, blinks again, and has a 'who, me?' look on his face. He strolls up to the stage once more, but just as he reaches for the microphone, LaShawn scrambles out of the hole in the stage floor. Her dress is in shreds, but that doesn't stop her from leaping onto T-bone back and trying her best to throttle her. "YOU RUINED MY OPENING! HOW COULD YOU! DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!" Rod tries to make his speech around the two fighting girls. Finally he casts a helpless look at Ranma, who picks up the two struggling girls, "Man, how existential can you get?" Tossing LaShawn to the waking Ryoga, both boys walk out, while LaShawn and T-bone strain at each other. Shrugging, Rod starts his speech again when offstage: "RANMA! I KNEW IT, YOU TWO-TIMING JERK!" "AKANE? HOW D'YOU GET BACK HERE?" "RAN-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR CUTE FIANCEE, AND NOW YOU'RE CARRYING THAT BIMBO LIKE YOU DON'T CARE!" "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BIMBO, YOU FLAT-CHESTED CROSS-DRESSER?! SHAMPOO'S RANMA'S BIMBO, NOT ME!" "AIYAH! SHE RIGHT! SHAMPOO RANMA'S BIMBO, NOT--HEY!!!!" "OHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!! YOU LITTLE HARRIDAN! RELEASE YOUR HOLD ON RANMA-SAMA OR I'LL RELEASE IT MYSELF!" "DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT TO MY ALTER-EGO! SHE STILL NEEDS TO GET POUNDED BY ME!" "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, RANMA!" "CAN IT, P-CHAN!" "I! AM!! NOT!!! P-CHAAAAAAAN!!!!!!" A blast of epic proportions renders the back of the stage non-existent. Rod stares at the carnage, then resumes reading his speech. "Er... this one I really didn't expect to win. I mean, I've never seen Mystery Science Theater in my life, and quite frankly I think John Biles does it better. But hey, I'll take what I can get. Thanks, guys!" Rod walked off stage as the announcer's voice is heard once again. "And now, here to present for 'Best Shortfic of the Year' is Scott Jamison!" The crowd cheers as Scott K. Jamison, aka SKJAM!, approaches the podium. The notorious progenitor of the Revengefic has managed to find a tuxedo for tonight's festivities, and actually looks quite presentable. He turns back to the wings for a moment. "Not now! I'm on!" "But you promised!" comes a female voice. "Later!" Scott turns back to face the audience. "Ladies and gentlemen, and fanfic authors, it is my pleasure to present the award for 'Best Shortfic', defined as a complete story under five `pages' in length. The nominees are...." -- "Another Angel" by Scott Jamison -- "C-ko Vs Godzilla!" by Eddie Vagg -- "So Many Memories" by TimeRunner -- "Ukyo and Ryouga" by Gary Kleppe -- "Wedded Bliss" by Scott Jamison "And the winner is..." Scott opens the envelope. *Ukyo and Ryouga* by Gary Kleppe!" Scott waits for Gary to come up to the podium, hands him the statuette, then cedes the mike. As he walks into the wings, the female voice from before says, "Finally! Now get changed!" Meanwhile, Gary begins his acceptance speech. Gary: Thanks, Scott, Megane, and thanks to anyone who voted for "Ukyo and Ryoga." I really appreciate it! Like all of the satirical stuff I do, this story was intended in the spirit of fun and good humor, and not meant to offend those who do think that these two characters make a good match. This story was actually conceived and written in just a few hours time. There was a spam thread on the FFML about whether or not U&R were a great couple. I got to thinking about the kind of relationship they actually did have in the original series, and this story expressed what I had to say on the subject better than more spam could've. So the moral is: make fics, not SPAM! [A voice is heard from behind.] Voice: That's a nice sentiment, sugar! [Gary turns to see a certain spatula-wielding okonomiyaki chef, with a bandanna-clad youth standing next to her.] Gary: ACK! Ryoga: What, you weren't expecting us? Ukyo: We sure weren't gonna miss the presentation of *this* award! Gary: You're here to revenge-fic me? Ukyo: Now, would we do a thing like that? Calm down, honey! Gary: I'm only human! I can't take the kind of punishment people like you can dish out! Ryoga: Coward. Don't worry, we're not here to take revenge on you. We've been in fics that treated us far worse than yours did. Gary: Really? Ukyo: Absolutely, sugar. You'd have to do something much, MUCH more terrible to us before we'd come looking for revenge. So relax! Gary: Whew! What a relief! Well, I'll be going then. [Gary walks out of shot. Suddenly, another female voice is heard.] Voice: KILL, Katsunishiki!! Gary (voice from out of shot): AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The horrible sounds of man being mauled to death by pig are heard. Ukyo and Ryoga stand, staring.] Ryoga: Ouch. Ukyo: Yeah. That's gotta hurt. So... I guess we should clear off so they can do the next award. Wanna go have some okonomiyaki? Ryoga: Sure, any kind except pork. [They walk off, as we cut abruptly back to Megane 6.7] "Uh, thanks guys. Okay....Our next presenter needs no introduction. He is the moderator for the FFML and he is here to present the 'Spammer of 1997' Award. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tybalt!" Tybalt walks on stage to applause and wastes little time getting to his speech. "As moderator, I'm down on spam. Hate it. Despise it." "So when I was asked to give an award for Spammer of the Year, I jumped at the chance. The chance ran in terror, but that's to be expected." "Spam is an important part of the FFML, but those who overindulge in it ruin the list for the rest of us. And so, tonight we honor the ingrate who's sheer disregard for the welfare of others has made life miserable for the rest of us." "A special consolation prize goes to what's-his-name who was lobbing for the award... hrm... not sure who he was, really. Didn't even make the nominees. Anyway, to make him feel better, I'll tempban him if he tries the stunt again." "But, on to the honorable candidates...." "The nominees are: -- Dustin "Spiffy" Goeller for his "Party while Tybalt's away" thread, which I sadly missed. This was only one of his numerous offenses... I believe I've tempbanned him twice. -- Tendo Nabiki for the "Which are the best fanfics?" question, which brought partisans out of the woodwork and nearly crashed the list. -- Damon Casale, instigator of the infamous "Evolution" and "Split the list" threads. Damon is also a tempban earner, more than once. And runs the Spam ML. Truly, a great one in the field of bandwidth wastage. -- Emperor Stephen "The Mega Man" Schulter, for numerous acts of petty ego and stupidity beyond count. Never tempbanned him, though in retrospect I should have. -- Dr. Thinker, a misnomer if ever I heard one, for his assassination of Lurker. It's a little known fact that he had previously been banned for being a smeg several months before. Not so much a spammer as a troublemaker. "Public Enemies all." "As a additional prize, the winner will receive the special FFML classification of Head Jackass, and will be tempbanned if he or she spams at all any time during 1998, at my discretion." "The envelope, please." "And the winner is....oh....I should say, the *winners* are both *Dustin "Spiffy" Goeller* and *Dr. Thinker*." The announcer's voice booms again. "Accepting the award for Dustin and Dr. Thinker is Megane 6.7" Megane 6.7 walks out on stage and approaches the podium.... NO! I WANT IT!! IT'S MINE!! MINE!!!" A voice screams from the back. Megane 6.7 turns to see a disheveled Mercutio suddenly rush onto the stage, pursued by a squad of CB security guards armed with mini chicken cannons. Mercutio grabs the awards as he rushes past the podium and continues to run offstage, the CB squad hotly in pursuit. Megane 6.7 turns back to the audience and shrugs before leaving the stage. At the same time, a young bespectacled man, attired in a Tuxedo walks out to the stage. He is accompanied by another gentleman, wearing only what can be described as a Blue Armani From Hell. "Dr. Maxwell Edison, author of *Die Hard 2031* and *The Blue Project*, will now present the Chicken Ball Award for 'Best Revengefic of 1997'!" The announcer booms. Maxwell: Howdy Folks. Jester Blue: Hi ya'll! (looks around) Where's Elvis? Maxwell: He's not here. Jester Blue: Hey! That's not fair, you said I could see Elvis if I gave this stupid speech! Why I ought'a... Maxwell: (whaps JB with a silver hammer) Jester Blue: No respect, no respect! Maxwell: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Jester Blue: Like Pizza. Maxwell: Ahem. Yes, something like that. Well, it's time to find out which author ... Jester Blue: ... was Masochistic enough to write one of these things. Maxwell (gives Jester the Hairy Eyeball): So anyway. The Nominees are... Jester Blue: "A Conversation With Nabiki" by Joseph Palmer Maxwell: "Greg Sandborn's Notes from the Bunker" by Foxhole Jester Blue: "Richard Gets What's Coming To Him" by Richard Lawson Maxwell: "Sauce" by Scott Jamison. Jester Blue: "Wedded Bliss" by Scott Jamison Maxwell: And the winner is... Jester Blue: You know, I think Frenchy should'a got one. Maxwell: Huh? Jester Blue: Yeah. Frenchy always writes them IOUs. Maxwell: This isn't the best RENEGE award, it's the best revenge award. Jester Blue: The Keebler does that too! Suddenly, the French Elf in question materializes, punts Jester, Armani and all, into the Stratosphere. Francois: You were saying Monsieur? Maxwell: Anyway the winner is....*Sauce* by Scott Jamison! As the "Theme from Sauce" ("Please Smile For Me", ripped off from "Legendary Idol Eriko") plays, Kasumi in a stunning (but not immodest) white evening gown leads someone down the aisle. It's an adorable looking brown-haired five-year-old girl in a pink and white dress that looks like it was made from spun sugar. Upon getting to the podium, the little girl turns to Kasumi and says, "See? Sauce, not Wedded Bliss. I did *not* have to do this." Kasumi just smiles. A stool is moved over for the girl to stand on, and she says, "Thanks, everybody! It's always nice to know my work is appreciated. I'd like to give special thanks to my parents, God, and the cast of `Ranma 1/2', without whom `Sauce' would never have happened." Kasumi clears her throat. "Oh, and an especially big thank you to Kasumi-oneechan!" The eldest Tendou daughter smiles again. Scott-chan, let's get you home now. It's past your bedtime, and I got some new recipes from that other Kasumi," she gestures to Axe-Murderer Kasumi, next to J. Austin Wilde, "that you'll just die for...." "SKJAM!" The camera returns to Megane 6.7 as he announces the next presenter. "And now, who better to present the award for 'Best Crossover of 1997', than the author of *TRIO* and *FFML Royal Rumble*, Ladies and Gentlemen, here is The Flashman!" Flashman walks on stage to generous applause as he begins his speech. "What would happen if Ranma Saotome met Eek the Cat? How about Sailor Moon VS GI Joe? Dragon Ball Z and Bananas in Pajamas? Bubble Gum Crisis and Captain Planet? They seem pretty bizarre, don't they?" "Well, that's what this award is all about, giving the most unusual, unique and plain out WEIRD crossover of the year its due. And remember, if you see a crossover that you think wouldn't go, give it a chance, cause it might just surprise you. And now, the top five nominees for 'Best Crossover of 1997' are...." -- "Bishoujo Senshi Kekko Moon" by The Eternal Lost Lurker -- "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles -- "ReGenesis: Half Impact" by the The Eternal Lost Lurker -- "South Park/Ranma Crossover" by Mee-Lise Robinson -- "The (sur)Real World" by RpM Flashman opens the envelope. "And the winner is 'The (sur)Real World' by RpM!" The crowd erupts into loud cheers as Rod blinks, has that ridiculous 'who, me?' look on his face again, and happily strolls up to the stage. "Well... er... what to say on this...To understand how I feel about the success of [sur]Real World, imagine if you idly doodled on paper, put it aside, and found out someone put it up in the New York Museum of Art." "This series was just a weird fun thing for me, created when the big trend in fanfic writing was to write a darkfic. NOT that there's anything wrong with Darkfics. Nono. I just miss comedy writing. There's not enough comedy writers out there, really. Comedic fics are pretty much in the minority, and that hasn't changed much. I ask, plead, BEG of you, don't forget to make'em laugh? Thanks for the award, folks! G'nite!" As Rod leaves the stage with his award, The announcer's voice is heard again. "And now, to present the award for 'Best One Hour Challenge of 1997', here is the author of *Dying Fire* and *Justification is in Order*, as well as the co-host for these prestigious awards, give it up f or Robin 'Lunari' Seabaugh!" The CB awards orchestra strikes up the catchy theme for the evening as Lunari takes the stage in her glittering dress made of yen coins. She gives a bright smile to the camera and looks to the TelePrompTer. Lunari: Deadlines are something not normally heard of in the world of anime fanfiction on the internet. Fanfic writers grab a snatch of writing any time they can. Whether between classes, after their parents have finished using the computer, or even in the middle of the night when no one is around, fanfic writers are giving it their all whenever the situation presents itself." "Recently a challenge was posted on the FFML by Megane 6.7 for writers to create a story in the span of one hour only, all revisions if any taking place within that time. Our versatile writers jumped at the chance. The next award goes to one of five pieces of fanfiction written under the one-hour challenge. The nominees include.... -- "Blue" by Scott Schimmel -- "Into the Mind of a Fanfic Writer" by Megane 6.7 -- "Suicide Blast" by Keener -- "The Customer" by Joseph Palmer -- "Yuuki" by Joseph Palmer Lunari: The competition was fierce and the tension is high. After tallying up the votes for the best One-Hour challenge, the winner is .. Lunari: Heh-heh, Like I said, the winner is ... Lunari: The winner ... is ... I think ... Lunari: Oh! The winner is 'Suicide Blast' by Keener! Congratulations! The audience broke into applause as Keener approaches the stage, accompanied by David Row, drop dead gorgeous demoness and Chief of Fred Security. Barry Cadwgan, somber man and Head Engineer. Stragazer, expierenced male military officer and LPAC Commander. Hunter/Huntress Male with a suffering sigh and FredSwat Commander OR Female Dyrad with a Mihoshi mixed with Nuku Nuku style personality. As well, ther was Douglas and Stormy, male and female couple, one a Spec Ops officer, the other a diety of weather. Helix, rather stuck up and obnoxcious Jurian nobleman and HAVOC member. Rune and Cypher, grim mercenary with a cybernetic Raven . Krudd, amalgalm of Krillian from Dragon Ball Z and Elmer Fudd, nice guy, speech impediment. Keener approaches the podium as he begins his speech. "I can't believe it. I mean, it's not like I was expecting any dairy products or what not, but really. When you think of fic awards, you generally go... oh yeah, those things Biles and Lawson win. Not that they don't deseve them, but me? Parrot King and Best of the Best mix about as well as Gin and Jolt Cola, you get a buzz, but the results can hardly help but be flamable. I just can't get over this, I mean Suicide Blast Two's first draft winning something... "Of course, the actual fic hardly rated notice... months in the making... wore out my Key cd's... and yet not a peep... I mean, it's not like I was expecting much..." Keener began looking down darkly, a few black tendrils of energy slowly reaching from the shadows. "...but a couple of 'It Doesn't Suck' would have really hit the spot... heck, a few, it SUCKS would have tasted mighty good betweent the old cheek and gums!" Energy from deep within the netherest voids of entropic nothingness lash out, encircling the hack, tossing the podium to the side. "Sure I've made a few mistakes, that Logs N Love thing, all those pointless yaoi slash potatoe lemons, a few broken promises, and yeah, I haven't finished a fic since the first time those Totorro versus the Python bunny threads ceased being fic related... but really... can't a man learn? Must he keep ON paying?" Frustration and and those rather pulpy veins doing the watosee about his face, the bishonen writer held a fireman axe toward the heavens, as though expecting some sort of answer...or at least an aspirin. Barry looked to David and sighed heavily. The demoness nodded, took a rather unconcerned draught from her glass and got up, motioning the others to follow. Rune and Helix made as to join but settled slightly when the Chief Engineer's gaze fell on them. "No, we can't have another HAVOC mess can we? I think raving lunatic is enough, okay? Douglas, you and Stormy can play back up. You wouldn't have an containment field handy, Hunter?" "For Keener?" the Swat officer asked incredously. "I guess your right." Barry watched as the two overly powered self inserted females tackled the madman to the ground. Krudd shock his head slightly, and stepped onto the stage. Keener was dragged off the stage with all the ceremony generally attributed to month old laundry while Elmer Fudd walked up to the podium. "Wadies and gentwemen. Keener wouwd wike to say thank you to evewyone who has wead and enjoyed his wowk, he pwomises to do his best in the futuwe and is constantwy chawwenged by the vawied and incwedible tawent that makes this wist it's home. Special thanks to awl his pweweaders, Gawy Kweepe, JD Fawber... the Haggis King, FFIWC, Fcasper, Nickowas F Towedo and Monica Akiwa-san... and to evewyone ewse on this wist. Good night." Echoing from the backstage, sending... if not actual shivers, then at least nervous twitches who did impersonation... Keener's final cry filled the hall. "And for the love of Goddess, and your own souls... PLEASE read Suicide Blast 3, coming soon!" Lunari: Well then, let's turn over to Megane 6.7 for the next category. Megane 6.7: (mouth full) Hi! Lunari: Like I said, we're going to a commercial. Stay with us for the rest of the 1st Annual Chicken Ball awards! Lunari: (very angry) What the hell are you *doing* Me- * * * ONE YEAR AGO.... >Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old, and this is my little white companion, >Artemis. THE FANFICTION WORLD WAS SUBJECTED.... >we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other, >and well how we lost our virginity. TO THE ULTIMATE HORROR THAT WAS ARTEMIS'S LOVER.... >He always tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized >he had a crush on Artemis!! , even tough he was a boy, even tough >Artemis was a cat. AND IT'S AUTHOR, OSCAR.... >i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me. >Some day, some time, at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have >you. AND EVEN THOUGH HIS WEBSITE IS NO MORE.... >The trio fired their BFG's simultaneously at Oscar's coffin. A >moment later, it exploded in a blaze of glory, leaving behind a Star >Wars Special Edition-esque shockwave that shot out from all sides.... HIS SPIRIT LIVES ON TO THIS DAY.... >RikMach - Many people believe now that Oscar is dead, his horror >shall never cast a shadow over our fair playground again. I think >they're wrong....Oscar, and his "Artemis' Lover" is a horror that is >matched by little or nothing. Any who have read it cannot help but >feel the horror of it chewing on the back of their minds for as long as >they live.... THIS MAY.... FANFICTION'S MOST INFAMOUS HERMAPHRODITE WILL RETURN.... AND MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7 WILL BE THERE TO GREET HIM.... "OSCAR TOON 6.7" A SAILOR MOON/TINY TOONS/WARNER BROTHERS/WWF/ DRAGON BALL Z CROSSOVER....WITH DASHES OF LEMON. BE AFRAID.....BE VERY VERY AFRAID.... The Shrine O' Oscar * * * As the camera fades back up on the awards, The CB theme plays for a little while as the platform for speakers is currently empty. Suddenly, a great gout of black-and-white flames burst up from the center of said platform. It rages for a moment, then dies down, revealing a young man standing in the midst of a charred circle. He's wearing sapphire blue pants and a loose silver shirt, and his midnight-black hair is pulled into a loose ponytail behind his head. He raises his hands above said head.] Man: Welcome! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the presentation of the 'Best Lemon Series' Award. I am your presenter, Jarald Bailey! [Cue wild applause from anonymous audience.] Jarald: [His hands begin to crackle with electricity.] And now, my lovely assistant, Mako-chan! [The electricity slams down from his hands onto the platform in front of him, charring more wood, but doing nothing else. Makoto, in a shimmering green dress, walks up behind him and watches him, smirking.] Jarald: Uhh... My lovely assistant, Mako-chan! [Does the electricity thing again, with the same results.] My LOVELY assistant, MAKO-CHAN! [Makoto taps him on the shoulder.] Oh... [bigsweats] Hi, Mako-chan... Now! [recovers his poise] Bring the cloth! [Makoto produces two large pieces of cloth from out of nowhere. One is blue, the other is orange. She flips them around dramatically to show that nothing is hiding in them, then lays them down flat on either side of Jarald. Jarald waves his hands dramatically over the cloth, and twitches of movement can be seen beneath them. Slowly, they begin to rise, large lumps growing in the center. When the stop, it is obvious that human figures are hidden beneath. Makoto whips the cloths away, revealing Sailor Mercury, who instantly attaches herself to Jarald's arm, and Sailor Venus, who begins twirling her Love-Me Chain around her fingers. Makoto retreats off-stage.] Jarald: Now that I have some friends, just one more thing before the presentation can commence. [looks to his left, at Venus, then to his right, at Mercury.] If you will, ladies? Venus: SUPREME... Mercury: FLAME... Defense... Jarald: ACTIVATION!!!! [Several large men/women/its? dressed all in black drop out of the sky to surround Jarald and the Senshi. The large men/women/its? are carrying ridiculously oversized shields.] Men/women/its?: [chanting as one] We are rubber, You is glue! Flames bounce off we, and stick to you! Jarald: Now, a lemon must have two things. One: Sex. Lots of it, or less, but a lemon must have sex. I've never read a lemon that didn't have any, because a lemon without sex isn't a lemon at all. Secondly, at lest minimal mastery of the language in which you are writing. Without it, you get flamed for writing a sucky story. Plot helps too. Case in point: Anything by Oscar. Now, I don't have anything against Oscar personally, but I just think his stories suck. [Enters MumbleRant mode.] [The sound of an engine echoes through the hall. Rei, a chain in hand and riding a motorcycle, appears from the right side of the screen and stops just before hitting Jarald. Wrapping the chain around his neck, she speaks harshly into his ear, followed by a yelled, "Do you understand?".Jarald nods, then Rei leaves on her motorcycle.] Jarald: As Rei has so.. enthusiastically.. pointed out, I'm not here to tell you what to like and what not to like, I'm just here to present the award for 'Best Lemon Series' of 1997. The nominees are: -- "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles -- "Lemonade Punch" by Paladin -- "Nullifier 122" by Webdragon -- "Ranma Nibun No Ichi" by Caroline Seawright -- "WiSC" by Lara Bartram Jarald: Now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The winner is....It's a tie! The winners are "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles and "Ranma Nibun No Ichi" by Caroline Seawright! [Cue applause.] Jarald: That's all for me, folks, and remember, I can be reached at either or , so don't be afraid to e-mail me! [Looks backstage, then bigsweats.] Gotta run! Ja ne! [An angry Sailor Pluto comes from backstage.] Pluto: You don't get away that easily. It's my turn! [Pluto smashes Jarald over the head with the Time Staff, then, as he crumples to the ground, throws him over her shoulder and stalks off-screen. Fade to black on Mercury and Venus, heads together, laughing uproariously.] Meanwhile, Kun-chan walks on stage, an aura of refinement and elegance surrounding her. Her dark brown hair has been swept up in a tasteful coiffeur. Her evening dress is an off the shoulder number, with a black velvet bodice. The fitted waste sweeps out and down to the floor in flowing cascades of emerald green silk. She smiles happily as she walks to the center, her face shining with happiness. Her emerald earrings set off her large, deep brown eyes that sweep over the audience, a soft smile on her ruby coloured lips. John sprints onto the stage behind her, pausing to toss a large book titled, 'Nature's Metropolis' into the backstage area. There is a shout and a thunk, followed by the sound of a body falling and impacting. He gives a sigh of relief and scoots over to stand by Kun-chan. John has sandy colored hair, short in front, but longer in back, spilling over his ears into little tufts at odd angles. Gold-rimmed glasses perch on his nose, hiding hazel eyes, and he is wearing a 'A-kon 96' T-shirt and blue jeans. Caroline blinks over at John in surprise, but gives a smile, then turns to face the auditorium. Lifting up a small set of flash cards, she addresses the crowd. "I am so happy, I don't know what to say! But I shall try to think of something. I'd like to thank all of my loyal fans, those of you who voted for me anyway. Without you, I would never have made it this far! Thank you all!" She pauses a moment for applause, then continues, "And I would like to thank all of my sweet (and not-so-sweet) editors for their hard work. (Yes, even the ones who try to tell me to write 'color' instead of 'colour' and 'specialize' instead of 'specialise'.)" She grins for a moment, and consults her flash cards, "And I'd especially like to thank: Skuld from KawaiiMUCK, Sean Gaffney, Sebastian Weinberg, Kergma, Rui Madeira, Salomon Farin, Alex Neilson, Kevin Eav, and anyone else on the FanficML who I've forgotten to thank... Sorry if I did! I have a mind like a sieve, you know..." She pauses for more applause, then smiles at John, "And thank you for your editorial skills, too, John. And I'd also like to thank God, for without whom, I would have no writing skill at all. And also I'd like to thank each and every one of you. Thank you!" She steps back to the standing ovation. John steps forward. "I'd like to thank all the lunatics who helped preread Lemon Sherbet, especially Jeff Hosmer, my usual partner in crime^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hfanfic writing. An especial thanks to Ken Arromdee as well, who got me interested in Futaba-kun Change, and a heartfelt apology to the creators of Dr. Who, who I dragged into the story for no good reason at all." Pacing back and forth, John continued his rant. "I'd also like to thank my muses for their inspiration and of course, the blessed Ukyou for shining her wisdom and grace down upon us, without which our lives would gray okonomiyaki-less pits of despair! All hail Ukyou, the one true fiancee!!!!!" A wiser man would have picked a stage not being shared with Caroline to say that, but then he wouldn't be John Biles, either. John doesn't notice as Caroline turns on him, twitching her hands just a little, as if to wrap them around someone's neck. In a too-calm voice, she asks, "Ukyou?" Too happy to notice her rather drastic change in mood, he nods, "Yes, Ranma's one and only true fiancee, Ukyou! I thank her from the bottom of my heart!" This time, her voice is more of a growl, "Ukyou!? No way would Ranma even _want_ Ukyou as a fiancee, let alone the 'true' fiancee!" She pulls a slim, but sharp, knife from seemingly thin air. (Or maybe her décolletage...) The knife twirls around in her hands like a living creature, dancing and flashing with a deadly life of its own, poised... "Akane is the true fiancee!!" Caroline stares at John, almost daring him... John whips out a huge golden spatula from behind the announcer's podium. "Heretic! I must destroy you!" The resulting battle is a whirling dance of blade and spatula, ending only when a riot squad comes out with hoses and washes Caroline and John off the stage and into the backstage area, where the sound of fighting continues. As the next event is about to start, they charge back on stage, driving off the riot squad, so they can continue their fight with a proper audience! Both soaking wet, a rumpled, ragged clothed and total mess, both quite the worse for wear, but pretty energetic - their eyes both burning with fanaticism! Blade versus Spatula, they drip and fight all the way around the stage, over the top of anyone who comes too close. Screams of "Akane!" and "Ukyou!" can be heard through rest of the screams and occasional cry of pain as one lands a hit on the other. To and fro, they fight, this time the audience getting into the fight, and cheering for their particular favorite. The fight ripping Caroline's dress in various - almost lemony - ways, giving pretty good fan service to the group of drooling hentai in the audience. They just cheer when her dress gets even more ripped. The Shampoo and Ranma-onna lovers pout, feeling totally left out. Finally, the administration is forced to take desperate measures, and an anvil falls from the rafters, squashing both of them flat. They are hauled off stage and tossed into an ambulance, but as it pulls away, the sounds of battle begin once more... CONTINUED IN PART 2.... Megane 6.7 Robin 'Lunari' Seabaugh (My MSTing and our Fanfic Pages can be found here.) http://svhp.webjump.com/ (Alternate site for MSTings: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/) Note -- If some links are broken, most of the fanfiction listed here can be found at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/ OR http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ CONTINUED FROM PART 1.... Lunari walks back on stage, wincing slightly at the noises backstage as she approaches the podium. "And now, to present the award for 'Best Filk Song of 1997', she is the author of *Skuld's Santa Claus* and *A Starry Winter Night*, Shori Wong!" A very nervous Shori, carrying a tiny envelope, walks onto the stage and stepped in front of the podium. She is dressed in a flowing blue dress, her back exposed and wearing pumps to match. Her hair flows down to her bare shoulders, giving her this rather sophisticated and mature look. She nervously leans forward and speaks into the microphone. The crowd is giving her their undivided attention, which seems to make her all the more nervous. "Um, I've never done this before, speaking in front of a crowd before, but I'll try my best. Um, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Shori, and I'd like to present this year's best filk song." She starts, but is immediately interrupted. "Hey, aren't you that Shori chick from OneShot's 'Least one can do series'?" it was a guy, naturally. A girl would be more subtle :) Shori nods, "Yes, I am." The guy smirks, "Well, at least now I know how she looks like. OneShot never did describe how she looked like and all" Shori clears her throat, "Well, anyway, I'd like to present the nominees for this year's best filk song: -- 'Do you Hear the Panties Sing?' by Megane 6.7, -- 'Okonomiyaki, by Sharon Tripp, -- 'Rumic Paradise' by Ted Hsu, -- 'Saotome-san' by Sebastian Weinberg, -- 'Two Turntables and a Spatula' by Ryan Matthews" She took a deep breath and smiles "Whew, I can't believe I said that without messing up," She opens the envelope and reads it. A drumroll emanates from out of nowhere, startling her for a quick second. She then turns toward the band located in right front of the stage. "Thank you for the drumroll whoever you are." She begins to read the sheet of paper, "And the winner of the Chicken Ball award for this year's best filk song is," She pauses for a dramatic pause, almost grinning, " *Do you Hear the Panties Sing?* by Megane 6.7. Congratulations!" "WOO HOO!!!" Megane 6.7 quickly walks over to the podium, a big smile on his face. He then gratefully accepts his award from Shori before beginning his speech. "Wow, I tell ya, only in fanfiction could you win an award for writing a song about a panty stealing old pervert to a Les Miserables tune! ;P "I'd like to thank everyone that voted for me and to announce that some day I hope to compile an entire series of songs into Ranma 1/2: The Musical, if at all possible. This is a great honor and I thank you!" The crowd cheers as Megane walks offstage while the announcer is cued. "And now, to present the award for *Sickest Lemon*, the author of *Hammer to Fall* and the AMS triology, *Proposal, Wedding, Honeymoon*, here is Sean Gaffney!" [Sean comes out, dressed in his normal casual attire and black leather hat.] Sean: Hi. I'm here to give out the award for sickest lemon. Another one of those categories where you're not QUITE sure if it's a compliment or nat. Sadly, it's been so long since the nominations that I've forgotten who was nominated, so Megane will paste the nominations right about here: -- "Artemis's Lover" (Original Draft) by Oscar -- "Father Figure" by Tzigane -- "Happi's Delight" by Shadow Dancer -- "Nekophilia" by Greg Sandborn. -- "Ruby Daydreams" by Eric Knudson Sean: Thank you, Megs. And the award for sickest lemon goes to.... *Artemis's Lover* by Oscar! Try and feel proud, and don't get fluids on the stage, please. As Sean leaves the stage, the announcer's voice is heard again. "Accepting the award for Oscar....uh....er....just a second...." The announcer whispers to the audio assistant. "We don't have anybody to accept the award for Oscar!" "What?! Are you sure!" "Yeah! What do I say?!" "Uh....Uh....just name somebody!" "Who?" "SOMEBODY!!!" "Uh....okay...." The announcer speaks into his mike again. "Uh, here to accept the award for Oscar is....um....RpM!" Rod blinks yet again and glances down at the pile of awards on his lap. Then he looks over to the announcer's booth and shakes his head no. "O....Okay, uh, accepting the award for Oscar is....er...." The announcer's voice stumbles. "Oscar himself!" A voice calls out from behind the stage as a wooden coffin on wheels rolls onto the stage where it comes to rest in front of the podium. There is an uncomfortable silence as the casket remains motionless. Then Megane 6.7 walks out on stage, a sheepish look on his face as he approaches the podium. "Uh....this is a replica of Oscar's coffin that was obliterated in my 12th MSTing. I'm sure if Oscar were still with us, he would be grateful for this honor and thank you. Those wishing to pay their respects to him, can visit his shrine at Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings...." Megane 6.7 shrugs again and then quietly pushes the casket towards the right stage exit. Unfortunately, the wheels for the casket had been hastily salvaged from a shopping cart and as a result the casket makes an abrupt right turn and topples off the front of the stage to land on the CB orchestra. Luckily, being the professionals they are, they immediately launch into a stirring rendition of *Taps* as the crowd cheers. Lunari comes out from backstage to announce the next presenter. "And now, to present the award for 'Worst of the Worst of 1997', the author of *Nibun no Senshi Sailor Moon* and *Onna: Red Side*, here is The Eternal Lost Lurker!" Lost Lurker, along with Shidou Hikaru, both walk over to the podium. They are both wearing dark purple suits and purple Ray-Bans. "Throughout the year, we see a lot of variety in the quality of fanfics. We see shining examples of brilliant, well-written, thought-provoking fanfiction which cause us to sit back after reading and say, "That was truly beautiful..." "...and then there's these guys. We're talking the bottom of the barrel here, folks. Fanfics that are so sloppy, so poorly conceived, so tasteless, with such damage done to characterization, that we sit back after reading and say, "Shoot the idiot who wrote this and put him/her out of our misery." "It is with great pleasure that I'm here to roast the five lamest excuses for fanfics that have seeped out of the woodwork in 1997. And the nominees are: -- "Artemis's Lover" (Original Draft) by Oscar -- "Dr. Tofu Falls Down An Open Sewer and Dies" by Daniel Gallagher -- "Hellraisers" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton -- "Ranma: Gaijin in Nerima 1&2" by Caroline Seawright -- "Scream at your own Avacados" by Kenny Blackwell "And the winner is....*Artemis's Lover* by Oscar!" The crowd groans, expecting another long delay when the announcer's voice suddenly exclaims. "Here to accept the award for Oscar, is Minako and her guardian Artemis!" Minako is dressed in an elegant white gown while cradling Artemis in her arms. She gently places him on the podium before speaking. "On behalf of Oscar, we accept this award and I would like to also take this opportunity to officially announce my engagement to Artemis!" There is a loud gasp of astonishment from the crowd. "Yes, we fell in love on the set of 'Artemis' by Strike Fiss and we've been seeing each other ever since," Artemis continued. "I admit it was touch and...*ahem* let me rephrase that....things were made more difficult when Oscar decided to use me in his lemons, but now that he's passed on, I figured it would be best to marry Minako now before someone else pairs me up with *another* weirdo." "So, on behalf of both of us, thank you and wish us luck in our new venture!" Minako concluded with a smile as she and Artemis left the stage. Megane 6.7 came back on, the surprise on his face evident. "Um....well, that was certainly unexpected. I don't think anything could possibly top that shocker...." No sooner are the words out of his mouth than Happosai comes tearing across the stage with something in his hand. He is being hotly pursued by Lum from 'Urusei Yatsura' for reasons that become very evident.... "LOOK EVERYBODY!!! LUM'S NAKED!!!" The voice of Henry J. Cobb screams out. The males in the audience immediately leap to their feet, cheering and whistling. Happosai leads the nude Lum on a merry chase throughout the theater, giving almost everybody an eyeful. Finally, Lum powers up and unleashes a massive charge of electricity at the old pervert. "DIVINE RETRIBUTION!!!" Happosai writhes in pain as the blast struck home. Lum rushes over to him and tries to pry her bikini from his charred hand but to no avail. "Can somebody please get me a crowbar!" Lum calls out as she drags Happosai behind her, ignoring the standing ovation that the male crowd is giving her. Meanwhile, back on stage, Megane dabs a trickle of blood from his nose with his handkerchief before he realizes the camera was on him again and he gives a nervous laugh. "Did I say nothing would top that shocker? Well, I stand corrected. Um, okay, Now we WILL have the "Procrastinator of the Year" award, presented by the author of *Ukyou and Ryouga* and the *Hearts and Minds* series, Gary Kleppe!" Gary (off screen): Not yet! It'll be finished soon, really! Megane 6.7: Oh, I get it. Pardon me a moment, folks. [Megane goes off-screen. The sound of violence is heard.] Megane 6.7 (off-screen): Get out there! Gary (off screen): Ow! Okay! Okay! [Gary steps into view. He has brown hair and is of medium height and build, wearing jeans and a plain sweatshirt. Following him are Hiroshi and Daisuke from Ranma 1/2.] Gary: Hello! I'm here with my MSTing team to present the award for procrastinator of the year. It's an honor to be here, right guys? Daisuke: [looking around] See any chicks? Hiroshi: Looks like they're all with dates. Daisuke: Hey, when are the lemon awards? Gary: I think they've done those already. Let's just get this over with, shall we? Hiroshi: Okay, the nominees for Procrastinator of the Year are... first, Chris Davies for "Serena and Luna: The New Adventures of Sailor Moon." Gary: Not being a devotee of Sailor Moon, I don't know this one, but I've heard good things about it. Daisuke: It doesn't have Ranma in it, does it? Gary: I don't think so. Why? Daisuke: Ranma told me that the next time someone writes a story with him being a "magical girl", he's gonna find the writer, and I quote, "show the jerk a new way to wear one'a those sailor fukus." Gary: Um... this isn't that kind of story, guys. Daisuke: The next nominee is H. Torrance Griffin for "X-Change Students!" Gary: This is one we've literally been waiting years for. If it doesn't win, it's because the readers have all died of old age. Hiroshi: There've been a lot of changes in the X-comics since this story was started. Daisuke: Oh yeah. They had those really cool artists who draw women that make Shampoo look like Olive Oyl. Gary: *sigh* Don't remind me... they've corrupted the Champions RPG with that stuff. Hiroshi: Next, we have Lost Lurker for "Faux Existence." Gary: This one's not been on hold as long as the others, but a lot of people would like to see him continue it. After Ranma has been missing for some time, he comes back... different. Hiroshi: Let's just say the sailor fukus might not seem so bad anymore. Daisuke: Then, there's Mark Latus for "Hurricane Season." Gary: Um... I don't know anything about this story. Daisuke: E-mail the author for a copy then. Gary: Well, duh! Hiroshi: Finally, the last nominee is Zen for "The Long and Winding Road Pt. 2. " Gary: This is his story where Ranma runs off with Ukyo. Part of a sort of trilogy of Zen's in which he tries to convince the reader that Ranma would be better off with Ukyo than Akane. Hiroshi: Everybody always worries about who Ranma ends up with. What about the rest of us? How come nobody writes a story about who the best babe for Hiroshi is? Gary: Um... well... I dunno, really. Daisuke: OK, I'll be the one to ask here. Why DO authors take so bloody long to finish their fics? Gary: Lots of reasons. Some authors are very busy with other things in their lives. Some just write slowly. Some of them write themselves into a corner. Sometimes the inspiration for a particular fic just dries up. Sometimes an author may get discouraged at the lack of good response to his or her fic, and start to think that nobody cares much about it. Hiroshi: So it's the readers' fault? Gary: Well, no, I'm not saying that. A lot of times it gets to be a vicious cycle. Sometimes writers seem to get so dependent on reader response that they start releasing their stuff in dribs and drabs, making it a lot harder for readers to comment on meaningfully. Or they keep switching between different storylines, hoping to find one that will really grab the readers' attention. That frustrates people who've been writing in wanting them to continue their original series. Daisuke: So what can we as concerned individuals do? Gary: If you're a writer, find a story that you feel is worth telling, and *write* it. Reader responses will come when they know they can count on you to deliver the finished product. If you're a reader, be sure to write to authors whose stories you enjoy and tell them how much you would appreciate it if they would hurry up and finish. Hiroshi: Are you finished? Gary: Uh... yeah, I guess so. Hiroshi: Good, 'cause it's time to announce the winner. Daisuke: Or we could just go do something else. Hiroshi: Let's go to the comic shop. I hear there's a new issue of Inu-Yasha out! Gary: Good idea. We can finish this some other time. Megane 6.7: WHERE do you think you're going? Gary: Well... [bigsweats] Megane 6.7: I've got a Chicken Cannon here, and it's loaded! Gary: Okay, okay. Could I have the envelope please? The winner is....Zen for *The Long and Winding Road Pt. 2*! Zen walks up on stage, dressed in a black 3WA jumpsuit with utility belt and sidearm. He is accompanied by Ukyou, as well as the Dirty Pa....er....Lovely Angels, Kei and Yuri. They are all wearing matching Chinese style silk dresses, slit on the side up to the hip, high collared, but very form fitting. Yuri's is electric blue with silver accents, Kei's is emerald green with copper accents, and Ukyou's is cardinal red with gold accenting. Uykou is also wearing her BA Spatula. A very nervous Zen walks up to the podium, trying to avoid eye contact with Ukyou as he accepts his award. "Uh....Zen would like to thank everyone for voting for him and being impatient with him until he finally released the second part of TLAWR Pt. 2. Zen promises he won't take as long with the third part as he did with the second and if he does, then Megane can use the chicken cannon on him personally...." "And we'll help!" Kei and Yuri chimed together. "Yes, but I'm sure Zen-Sama here has everything all under control, don't you sugar?" Ukyou said as she suddenly hugged him against her, a little too hard.... Zen bigsweated. "U..Uh, y..yeah! Zen won't let you down, Ucchan...." he replied nervously. "Glad to hear it, sweetie." Ukyou replied as she released him. Zen adjusted his collar for a moment before concluding his speech. "Anyway, Zen would also like to thank all of his prereaders and everyone who's given him C&C. Zen is very grateful and hope he can continue to write to your liking in the future...." The crowd cheers as Zen and his entourage leave the stage. Meanwhile, Lunari comes out to announce the next presenter. "And now to present the award for *Best Incomplete Fanfic*, here is...." "Huh?" Lunari looks behind her. "WHAT!?!" Lunari exclaims. Lunari shrugs and walks backstage. [CUE IMPRESSIVE OSCAR LIKE MUSIC] The announcer booms "Here to present for 'Best Incomplete Fanfic of 1997', is Dr. Maxwell Edison!" [ENTER STAGE LEFT: MAXWELL SMITH (Star of the popular series, Squid ½)] [Maxwell is wearing dress blues and a whitehat.] "Hello folks, due to government cut backs, funding for this skit has been notably lessened in it's humorous content. Therefore, in it's place, the US Navy band will play a rendition of "Top Of Naere, Fly High" from Gunbuster." [Navy Band here] [This space for rent.] "The category of best fanfics is awarded to those author's whose creative and superlative have created a that causes the reader sit up and say ! Where's the is the rest of it? They spur our and ruin the rest of our for not finishing the ing things. The nominees for best incomplete fanfic are: -- "Communication Breakdown" by Alber Crombie -- "Faux Existence" by Lost Lurker -- "Hearts of Ice" by Krista Perry -- "Shattered Hearts on the Road" by Eimii. -- "Two Sides of a Coin" by Benares [Insert dramatic drumroll provided by the US Navy here.] And the winner for best fanfic is "Shattered Hearts on the Road" by Eimii! A very read if I do say so myself. With some small bit of difficulty, Mihrna wheeled a gurney with an IV mounted on it down the isle towards the stage. On said gurney, Eimii peeked out from under the sheets, eyeing the audience nervously. After a moment of observation, she pulled the sheet back over her head. "Please tell me when it's over..." "Don't be such a baby!" Hissed Mihrna, Glaring down at where she presumed Eimii's face must be. Mihrna was dressed rather nicely for the occasion, in a low cut choli and loosely draped silk sari, both done in dark vermilion with gold trim. Eimii, on the other hand, was apparently dressed in a sheet. "I can't believe you..." She grumbled, as she purposefully maneuvered the gurney over a fold in the carpet, rocking it precariously and nearly sending a startled Eimii to the floor. "Hey! Watch it!" "Get up and walk! You're the one they called, you know." Mihrna regained control of the gurney and continued walking. "I went to all the trouble of picking you up at the hospital for this, and you didn't even bother to change..." "I didn't wanna come in the first place. How was i supposed to know?" Eimii whined from underneath the sheet. "Well it's too late now. I'm not bringing this thing on-stage." With that, Mihrna stopped the gurney in the isle and grabbed tore the sheet off of her companion. "Now come on!" With some effort, Eimii levered herself upright on the gurney. She _was_ fortunately wearing a bit more than a sheet, not that it helped terribly much. The green and gray plug suit, which sported numerous rips and was covered in various places by bandages, did not leave much to the imagination. "Couldn't you have just come in my place? Absentee acceptance and all that?" Eimii pleaded, sounding terribly haggard as she shifted painfully on the gurney, swinging her legs over the side. "I mean, i was in the _hospital_, for crying out loud! Do i look like i'm in any condition to give a speech?" she asked, pointing at the multiple fresh-looking cuts and scrapes that adorned her face. "It's your own fault for picking up that stupid part time job." Mihrna replied, jabbing Eimii roughly in the chest with her finger, which elicited a barely stifled cry of pain from the injured girl. "Now if you want to leave, get up there and get this over with." She pointed up at the podium on the stage. After casting one final, and unsuccessful, pleading glance at Mihrna, Eimii sighed heavily and pushed herself off the gurney and onto her feet. Then, after removing the IV needle and steadying herself for a moment, Eimii trudged wearily onto the stage, with Mihrna following a few steps behind her. When she was standing behind the podium, with Mihrna at her shoulder, and looking at the audience, Eimii suddenly blushed crimson, and then tried to hide as much of herself behind the podium as possible. This prompted a swift smack to the back of the head from Mihrna, followed by a few harsh words, after which Eimii grudgingly stood up straight and faced the microphone. "Um... Hi?" Eimii stared out at the audience with an utterly helpless look on her face for a few moments before continuing. "Er, well. That is, i'm really happy to accept this award for 'Shattered Hearts on the Road,' as the 'Best Incomplete Fanfic,' though i have to say that i'm really surprised that i was even in the running. It's been quite a while since I posted anything on this fic, and while there _were_ a few entries that were older than mine, i didn't think that anyone would even remember that i had written this, much less that they would remember it fondly enough to vote for it." Eimii started to sweat profusely, as the moments of silence dragged on. "Um, well, i suppose i'd better thank a few people out there, since this fic would never have been written without them. First, i'd like to thank Kirpal Sukumar, for daring me to actually write this monstrosity. This is my first fic, without which i would probably still be spamming the list incessantly. Next i'd like to thank Peter 'T.H. Tiger' Schell and James 'The Prince of Rant' Nutley, for being my vict- er... prereaders for this thing from the beginning. Without them to steal good ideas from, i'd probably have finished this, or else have given up, a long time ago. Finally, i'd like to thank everyone that supported me on this, including all the people that took pity on me and deigned to give this poor excuse for a fanfic writer some desperately needed C&C. I really am still writing 'Shattered Hearts on the Road,' as well as all of the other unfinished things i have floating about, and i can say that chapter four is...well... _almost_ done-" At this point, Eimii's babbling was thankfully interrupted by the sound of a cellular phone ringing. Blinking once or twice, Mihrna reached into the folds of her sari and produced the phone, which she then proceeded to answer. After a few seconds of quiet conversation, Mihrna closed the phone and put it away. "That was your boss. She was wondering why you had turned off your phone. Oh, and you have a briefing in twenty minutes. Time to go..." "HUH?! But- but, i'm supposed to be in the _hospital_! How can she call me in now?!" Eimii cried, clutching the podium desperately, as if it were the only thing holding her up, which it probably was. "No, buts. Now come on, I'll give you a ride." With that, Mihrna pried Eimii off of the podium and proceeded to drag the injured, tired, still protesting fanfic writer off the stage and into the wings. A minute later, Sailor Mars and Sailor Pluto fight their way out onto the stage. Mars: He *has* to! The original presenter had to cancel at the last minute! FIRE SOUL BIRD!!! Pluto: [dodging bird] No! It's my turn with him and I *won't* let him get away again like he did last time! Dead Scream! Mars: Ohhhhh crap.... [gets blasted] Ouch... That's it, Pluto. You're. Going. Down!!! Mars! ULTRA! Secret! Hentai! ATTTTTAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!! [Out of nowhere, Happousai, Ataru, Grandpa Hino, and similar lechers from all walks of anime appear and rush at Pluto, drooling wildly. They dogpile her, then are blasted away as a shadowy sphere forms around her. The sphere fades away, revealing Jarald holding the Garnet Orb in his hands. He's wearing a formal tux that happens to be torn and stained. It is not readily obvious what those stains are.] Jarald: You okay, Pluto? Pluto:[twitching on the ground] Make. Her. Hurt. Jarald: Your wish is my command, my love, my Lady, my life. [Jarald lifts the Garnet Orb and screams out a wildly incomprehensible string of nonsense syllables. The Orb flashes with green and blue polka dots, and all the lechers get up and rush Mars, who screams and runs off.] Jarald: That's that, Pluto. [He helps her off the ground and hands the Orb back. She wraps herself about him and begins whispering in his ear. His eyes get big. Unseen by them, Aino Minako, Ten'ou Haruka, and Kaiou Michiru are standing in the background, arguing in loud whispers.] Haruka: I won't! I don't even like him! I'm not going to say something like *that*! Minako: You've got to play your part, Haruka! How else are we going to do it? Michiru: Haruka, if you do, I'll.. [whispers something in Haruka's ear. Naturally, Haruaka's eyes get as big as saucers.] Haruka: O-Okay... you win. Where's this costume? Minako: This way. [they walk off into the back.] [Up front, we can see that Pluto, having suddenly and conveniently noticed the three in the background, is trying her damndest to drag Jarald off the stage. She's having little luck, however, as he seems more interested in pleasuring certain parts of her anatomy.] Pluto: [around his hand] Ooooh.... let's... gooooo... ooooh... my... my... MY TONSILS!!!! [begins to buck wildly around his hand.] (And Biles-sama said it couldn't be done. Heh. I proved him wrong! :) [Haruka and Michiru, wearing sleek, form-hugging dresses in their respective colors, walk slowly over to Jarald and begin to drape themselves over him, caressing his chest and arms and whispering in his ears. His face cannot be seen - his eyes are in the way, and an oversized smile has formed on his face, complete with drool.] Haruka: So, will you? It's not hard, you know. You did it once already... Michiru: And think... of what... will happen... If you do... Jarald: [nodnodnod] I will! I will! Pluto:[disgusted] That's cheating! He's mine! Mine! It's my turn! Jarald: [dumping Pluto on the ground] Sorry, but I got a presentation to make. I'll be back in a little while. [Pluto storms off angrily.] Haruka: Thanks, Jarald... Michiru: Yes... Thank you... [Jarald stands up and waves his hands. The ruined tux is replaced by one in mint condition.] Jarald: Sorry, girls, but I got a presentation to make. [He walks over to the microphone.] Jarald: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and lechers. I was asked to make the presentation for the Chicken Ball Award for 'Best Stand-Alone Lemon' because the regularly scheduled presenter had some... um... technical difficulties. [He holds his groin and makes a face.] Anyway... [releases himself.] A stand-alone lemon is different from a lemon series in that it really doesn't need a plot. People don't expect a stand-alone lemon to have anything but sex. Those that do, though, are even better. Ahem. And the Nominees Are: -- "Bubblegum Pink: Raging Fires" by Larry Mann and Kris Overstreet. -- "Female Finceés Fun" by Bast -- "Recall" by Brian Navy -- "Sordid Sounds of Silence" by Megane 6.7 -- "The Price of Passion" by Cindy Toler Jarald: I hope you all voted for "The Price of Passion", cuz it's one of the best out there... [He looks sheepish.] A while back, Cindy Toler asked if anyone was willing to write a sequel, and I answered yes... I'll have it out soon! I promise! I didn't mean to delay this long, honest I didn't... but I've been... [looks backstage] distracted... Anyway, the winner for the Chicken Ball Award for the 'Best Stand-Alone Lemon' is: [drumroll] *The Price of Passion* by Cindy Toler! Jarald: Wow! What a doozy! 'Night, everybody! [Begins to wave to all. As he's doing this, Haruka comes out wearing jeans and a normal shirt and whispers something in his ear. He gets very flustered.] Jarald: [shouting] Whaddaya mean? LIED? What? Why? [Haruka, smiling viciously, whispers some more, then walks offstage.] Jarald: [pouting] Haruka has reminded me to tell you that if you want to contact me, I can be reached at 'jarald@hotmail.com'. Thanks for nothing, Haruka. [Pluto walks back onscreen, smacks Jarald over the head with her Time Staff, and drags him off by his hair.] Pluto: He's all *MINE* now! Pluto drags Bailey's prostrate form away as Cindy Toler walks up on stage and over to the podium to accept her award. "Thank you very much," Cindy holds the award up and bows. The crowd and her friends cheer loudly for her as she leaves the stage. Megane 6.7 then comes out to announce the next presenter. "And now, to present the award for *Best Non-Ranma 1/2 Fanfic of 1997*, the author of *Ranma's Girls* and the *Usagi's Usual Morning* series, Mr. Jeffrey 'Oneshot' Wong!" OneShot, wearing a rented tuxedo, walks up on to the stage. "I'll get you, Batman!" he says into the microphone, doing his best Penguin imitation. When the crowd looks at him, totally confused and staring at him dumbfounded, he says, "Dontcha get it? I'm dressed like a penguin? Ugh, never mind, you guys have no sense of humor," The crowd doesn't laugh. Sounds of crickets could be heard. "Y'know, I'm dressed like a penguin? Like in Penguin from Batman?" he continues, not even bother by the fact that he was dying on-stage. He looks down and notices a tumbleweed rolling right by his feet and off stage. The crowd bursts out in laughter. OneShot looks off stage, "That's not funny." He clears his throat as he turns toward the audience, "Anyway, I guess I better go on with my speech, I'm here to present this year's 'Best Non-Ranma fic'. Huh? You mean there are fanfics based on series other than Ranma?" The crowd is silent. OneShot is dying out there. "Will you please go on with the speech already? Your jokes are lame. I had much more fun listening to Shori," a guy said. OneShot gives the guy a cold stare, "Hey, that's not funny. Also, how do you know Shori went? I mean, I know she presents some awards, but I'm not too sure. How do you know she won't go after me? How do you know she went before me?" "Because, Megane 6.7 is the one organizing this entire Chicken Balls and he will HAVE to make Shori's speech come in first because the readers would get all confused if they read...um....hear this speech before hers," the guy says. OneShot shrugs his shoulders, "Yea, you've gotta point there. What did my sister do? Did she mess up?" "Shori's your sister?! No way!!!" "Why not?" OneShot asks, eyeing the guy curiously. "Well, if you're siblings, and she's pretty, then what the hell happened to you?" the guys says, "That's mean. That's really really mean." OneShot clears his throat again and continues, "The nominees for this year's 'Best Non-Ranma 1/2 Fanfic of 1997' is.... -- "Dance of Shiva" by John Biles -- "Neon Exodus Evangelion" by Ben Hutchins -- "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut" by Andrew Huang -- "Tales of Younger Venus" by Doug Helm and Tuxedo Will -- "Transitions" by Richard Lawson OneShot reaches into his pocket and pulls out an envelope. It's all crumpled up and folded in several places. The crowd stares at OneShot as he quickly responds, "Hey, if it weren't for me puttin' it in my pocket, I probably would have forgotten to bring it with me, and I would make a fool of myself," "Like you haven't already," the guy comments OneShot ignores the guy and begins to read the paper, "The winner of the best non-Ranma fic is......Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut by Andrew Huang!" The crowd applauds....because that means OneShot has to get off stage. Meanwhile, a bespectacled young Asian man wearing an utterly unremarkable tuxedo walked on stage. That would be Andrew Huang. Following him was a cute, pretty young lady wearing a nice dark blue dress (come on, this is a guy writing, you can't expect him to describe a dress, right? they all look the same...sort of...). That would be Jinnai Nanami. Andrew reached the podium, accepted the award, shook the presenter's hand, then turned to the audience. Sweeping his somewhat unruly hair back with one hand, he extracted a piece of paper from inside his tux jacket with his other hand, and started speaking. "Well, ah.... I'd like to first say that I hadn't really been expecting this award. I knew about being in the running for the funniest fic, and I was pleased with that, while I almost never found out that I was nominated for this one. And, as it turns out, I win this one. But hey, I'm happy!" He grinned, and looked at his award. " 'Best Non-Ranma 1/2 Fanfic of the Year', for Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut. Best Non-Ranma fic.... Heh." Nanami blinked, and looked at her friend oddly. "Heheh." Now she was staring at him oddly. "HA! We'll put a damper on Ranma fanfics yet! Yeah! There's too many of them! I--" There was a disturbance in the audience. Then, there was a disturbance in the aisles. Then, there was a disturbance on the stage. "Wha-OW! Hey! HEY! OWOWOWOWOW!! GARY! NononoARGH!" Andrew ran. Gary Kleppe followed. Nanami sighed in exasperation. Her lip quirking, she picked up the transcript of the acceptance speech left behind by Andrew. "He's never going to learn, is he? Oh well. I'll read his speech for him. He'll owe me for this. *ahem* Let me see.... "'I'm greatly honored by this award. Even without it, of course, I thoroughly enjoyed writing Evanjellydonut. As--'" "KEEP AWAY FROM ME! SECURITYYYYYYY!!!!" "Where was I? Oh. 'As many of you know, it was my first attempt at creating a more light-hearted EVA universe, to keep my sanity after watching the original go from a rather humorous story to something completely depressing. It didn't have to be a parody-type change, but the initial idea just sent it in that direction. "'What did end up occurring, though, was that I started to mind the continuity. What happened to the characters mattered. I needed to keep--'" "Put the axe DOWN, Gary. Please. DAMMIT! ARGH!" "'I needed to keep everything straight and moving within my storyline, in a semi-believable manner. In a way, it was a serious piece of fiction. A spoof that wasn't a spoof. And, it seems to have worked nicely. My--'" "Gary, now, Gary, I know you're angry. I'm sorry, I really am. Can't we all just get along?" Nanami paused, while the two slowly edged away from the podium again. "'My readers have liked it, and I like it myself. Some people have even said that it's been a cause for the relatively recent expansion of EVA onto the mainstream of anime fanfiction. Of course, I can't take all the credit; certainly Eyrie's Neon Exodus Evangelion series--which, after all, was put on to raac before Evanjellydonut was released--deserves some credit. Of course, I still do appreciate the sentiment. "'I'd like to thank Anno Hideaki, for being such a twisted bastard-- otherwise, EVA wouldn't have come about--as well as Sadamoto Yoshiyuki, the more balanced creator of EVA. Gainax, too, for producing it. I'd like to thank Terry Pratchett, whose writing style I emulated to achieve the desired effects in Evanjellydonut. I'd like to thank Jinnai Nanami for'...um." She turned bright pink. "'...for being very encouraging--'" "Hey, you left out that part about--OW! GACK!" "'--encouraging." She turned a bit redder. "'And, of course, I thank all of you, for reading. Good night.' Come on, Andrew, we're done." She walked over and managed to yank him quickly out of the way of a big Can of Whuparse^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HButtock Prodding headed his way, still blushing badly, and walked with him off the stage. "Th-th-thanks, Nanami-chan." [No hard feelings, Gary. It's all a joke. Really. It is. Ow! ^_^] After Andrew and Nanami leave the stage, Megane 6.7 approaches his podium. "As you know, I originally had a category for these awards called the *Test of Time*, an award that would honor a fanfic over three years old that continues to be a favorite among the FFML. "Instead, I have decided that instead of honoring just *one* fanfic, it would be only right to honor all the preliminary nominees for this award that have stood the test of time and continues to be a symbol of what creative writing and the human imagination can accomplish. We honor these fanfics today as they continue to inspire us to write fanfiction for many years to come in the future. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the *Test of Time* nominees." -- "Bubblegum Cards/Knight Foils" by Ryan Mathews -- "Cat's Cradle" by Benares -- "Elseworld Series" by John Biles -- "Girls Night Out" by Rogue1 -- "Juyza's Lyric" by Stephen "Twoflower" Gagne -- "Life's Dulse Moments" by Leslie Mills -- "Ministry of Confusion" by Stephen "Twoflower" Gagne -- "Okonomiyaki Orgy" Author Unknown.... -- "Putting Your Heart in the Right Place" by John Biles -- "Predator and Prey" by Benares -- "Ranma Jijou" by Dov Sherman -- "Serendipity." by Philip Jeremy Moyer with Trevor W. Schadt -- "Song of the Phoenix" by Jorge Pratt -- "Stepping Stones: Uykou's Tale" by Benares -- "Undocumented Features" by MegaZone, Gryphon, ReRob and continued by PCHammer, Chris Meadows, Pearson Mui, Larry Mann, Ryan Matthews, Adam Johnson, Redneck Gaijin and Rich Anderson The applause is deafening as the audience gives a standing ovation to these honored stories and authors. Then Lunari comes out, to announce the next presenter as a drumroll is heard. "And now, here to present the category with the most overall votes, the 'Best Darkfic/Shockfic of 1997', he is the author of *Chasing the Wind* and she is the brainchild of Webdragon. Ladies and Gentlemen, J. Austin Wilde and Kasumi the Axe Murderess!" Wilde: "Uh... Joining me this evening to present the Chicken Ball Award for the 'Best Darkfic/Shockfic of 1997' is the lovely Kasumi Tendo." "I'm going to get you for this, Webdragon... You just *had* to rise to my challenge, didn't you!" Kasumi: "Oh my, are all these people cheering for me? Goodness!" Wilde: "We couldn't think of anyone better suited to help present this award than you, dear Kasumi." Kasumi : "But isn't this an award for violence, carnage, darkness, depravity, and acts of evil totally inconsistent with the source material?" Wilde: "That about sums up the category, yes." Kasumi: "Why me, then?" Wilde: "Well for example: What is that you're hiding behind your back?" Kasumi: "Nothing." Wilde: "How about showing me the other hand." Wilde: "How about both at once." Kasumi: "Oh dear, how did that two-handed battle axe *ever* end up out here on stage...?" Wilde: "..." Wilde: "Anyway... Before we get started with the nominees, please allow me to compliment you on your attire this evening. Correct me if I'm wrong though, but weren't you planning on wearing a white dress tonight?" Kasumi: "Bloodstains..." Wilde: "Uh... Nevermind... On with the nominations." Wilde: "Our first nominee is 'Ill Met By Starlight'; a chilling psychological thriller by Mike Loader and Susan Doenime featuring a Ranma 1/2 cast darkly different from the norm. I tell you, Kasumi, this one had me shuddering more than a few times. Especially Ranma..." Kasumi: "Oh, I don't know. There were times when I really empathized with him." Wilde: "Uh... yeah. Thanks for sharing that, Kasumi... Roll clip..." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The cat padded across the garden, its steps slow and uncertain. Food had been scarce of late, and it was taking the risky step of exploring new hunting grounds. This one looked promising...bushes ideal for nesting birds, ample places for small furry mammals to shelter, and a pool filled with tasty-looking - if uncomfortably large - fish. There was no scent-marker, so competition from others of it's kind would not be a problem. The rank odor of dog was nowhere to be smelled. Just prey, and sunbeam-stones, and lush green grass. And man-thing. That was the deciding factor. If the humans were of the tolerant sort, life would be good. And if they weren't...well, the clumsy things were never awake at night anyway. A sparrow landed on the lawn nearby, oblivious to the hunter's presence. Experimentally, a paw batted out, intended to tease instead of rend. The bird was bowled over, gave an alarmed squawk, and took to the air. Lazy. Careless. Wonderful traits to find in prey. This would be... "Hello there." The cat spun at the noise. Careless was good for prey, but _not_ for it. Especially when it got so lax as to allow a human to sneak up on it. The human dropped down to his knees, his red shirt flapping in the light breeze. "Here, kitty. Nice cat. Yes, nice kitty." The voice was friendly, comforting. Not at all like the booming roar that the more savage man-things made at it. No, this was one of the hospitable ones. Slowly, ready to bolt, it padded over. Man-things were not very subtle, but could also be unpredictable at times. "Nice kitty. Pretty cat." The hand descended, slowly, and began to stroke the fur. Ahhh. Humans, despite their many faults, were good for something. "Such a nice kitty." The gentle hand moved up along the back, rubbing the muscles in a wonderfully soothing way, evoking a low purr. "Kitty's nice. Wouldn't claw me. Wouldn't bite me." Wonderful. Humans were simply perfect at this, and they did it for no apparant reason. The hand moved to stroke the head, scratching under the ears. "Kitty wouldn't tear me to pieces. Wouldn't kill me. Wouldn't rip at my eyes. Wouldn't eat me. No. Good kitty." A wince, the hand had been a bit tight there. Humans could be clumsy. "Kitty won't do any of that." There was a sharp, sudden snap. The boy stood, and padded out of the garden. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> Wilde: "See?" Kasumi: "I don't actually. It was just a simple cat killing. Nothing to get worked up about." "There wasn't even any blood." Wilde: "Moving right along... It seems Mister Loader has another dark treat in store for us with 'Smoke and Mirrors.' Any fic featuring a Coroner's Report has to be a good one, right Kasumi?" Kasumi: "Right you are, Jamie-san." Wilde: "I thought you'd say something like that." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> The man moved steathly down the hall of the dojo, looking for a good place to hide the bundle he carried. Dressed in a black costume akin to a ninja or cat burglar's, he had a definite air of the feline to him. On the bundle, a timer slowly tore away seconds. This was fairly easy, really. He had thought that a dojo, with all them karate types, would be hard to get into. But no; he just came in through an unlocked window, easy as anything. Now all he had to do was place this... "Excuse me." He spun around, expecting to come face to face with a seven-foot tall, firebreathing black belt. Instead, he found himself staring at a young woman in a tattered apron. She was smiling, but he could see the fear behind her eyes. Predators are very good at sensing fear. The man smiled. Cerberus had told him to stay out of sight, but he had also told him what to do to anyone who saw him. He would have fun with this one. With a sudden, fluid motion, he lunged for her. One hand clamped around her mouth, the other wrapped around her waist, and he began to wrestle her to the ground. He felt a sudden pain then, from his chest. Pain and a wet sensation. The strength drained from his arms, and he slowly, almost reluctantly looked down at the knife embedded in his side. It was a simple, wood-handled kitchen knife; the blade nicked and the handle notched from hours of chopping vegetables. There was one like it, or several, in every well established kitchen. He looked up at the stupid, vacant-eyed girl, choked, and fell into blackness. * * * Kasumi stared at the corpse, and couldn't decide whether to cheer or throw up. In the end, of course, she did neither. She just stared at the person she had killed. A pool of crimson was slowly begining to spread across the clean tile floor. She had killed him. Her. Killed a real, living, breathing person. And, as hard as she tried, she couldn't bring herself to feel any kind of sorrow for the man. Just a numb, empty feeling. She turned him over, and plugged the wound with part of his shirt. Then she went to the closet, brought out her mop and bucket, and methodically cleaned every inch of the floor, marveling at how easily the blood was scrubbed away. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> Kasumi: "Now that was more like it! 'Vacant-eyed girl...' -How rude!" Wilde: "Well that's one mistake he won't be making twice... *ahem* Our next nominee is from Zen. It's a 'Ranma marries Akane' story with a shocking finale that carried it to other awards this year and had the FFML debating for weeks." Kasumi: "Could it be...?" Wilde: "It is. 'The Bitter End.'" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> Ukyou stepped onto the porch, and looked into the training hall. Ranma, still in girl form, was standing at one end of the room, just under the family shrine. Akane stood facing Ranma, holding the katana that Nodoka had given her when she and Ranma had married. The blade glinted as she swung the katana towards the slashed remains of a number of training dummies that bore mute testimony to the extent of her rage. "And just what is THAT supposed to mean?" Akane's voice was getting shrill. "Just that! No one ever comes by anymore because of the way we fight all the time! It makes them uncomfortable. Don't you get it? They're AFRAID of you! Ryouga, Kunou... Everybody! Hell, you even have KASUMI scared!" Akane took a half step toward Ranma, prodding at her with the katana. Ranma ducked to the side, avoiding the blade, and Akane moved to pursue. Ukyou tried to scream, but succeeded only in uttering a strangled gasp. Ranma saw her at that point, and called a warning. "Be careful, Ucchan! Stay back!" Akane whirled. "YOU!!" she screamed at Ukyou. "I told you to stay AWAY from Ranma! He's MINE! This is all YOUR doing!" Ukyou felt as if she were paralyzed - time seemed to stand still. She had known that Akane had grown more violent, but she was totally unprepared for the brutal reality. The girl that stood before her now was more like an animal than a thinking being. Ukyou's eyes were drawn to the blade that Akane was waving, as the hammering of her own heart fought for her attention - and lost. Akane swung the tip of her katana back towards Ranma, her eyes flashing with ill suppressed fury. As she tightened her grip on the handle, Akane's voice was like thunder in Ukyou's ears. "I warned you... I warned you both! DIE, RANMA!" Ukyou watched, horrified, as Akane thrust forward with the katana. Ranma was too startled to even *try* to evade; the blade slid easily into her abdomen just below the ribs, and out through her back. Ranma blinked, a look of shocked surprise frozen on her bruised features. She fell to her knees as the blade was withdrawn, its bright finish stained red with her blood. Ranma convulsed once, coughing up blood as the light faded from her eyes, and, like a puppet whose strings had been cut, she dropped quietly to the floor of the dojo. "Ran-chan... NOOOOooooo!" screamed Ukyou, rushing forward. Her combat spatula clattered to the floor as she tossed it aside. Ukyou dropped to her knees beside Ranma's limp form. Frantically, she rolled Ranma over onto her back as she pulled the large ribbon from her hair. Hugging Ranma to her and using the ribbon as an impromptu bandage, she tried desperately to staunch the flow of blood from the gaping wound. Ranma's breathing was rapid and shallow, her eyes glazed. Flecks of blood stained her lips. "Ucchan?" she managed to gasp. "I'm here, Ran-chan... It's going to be okay..." Ukyou sobbed as she fought to stop the bleeding. "You're going to be all right..." "I... I'm sorry..." Ukyou felt a searing white heat pierce her heart as Ranma twitched in her arms and was still. She fought to hold on to Ranma's body, but her arms had suddenly turned to lead, and refused to obey her. Ranma fell back to the floor of the dojo and Ukyou could see a new gash between the redhead's breasts. Numbly, Ukyou looked down. The tip of Akane's katana protruded from her own chest, spilling her blood and Ranma's to mix in a pool on the floor. She tried to stand, but could not move her legs. She stared up uncomprehendingly at Akane's hate filled expression. "You want him?" Akane snarled. "Then join him in hell!" Waves of agony swept through Ukyou as Akane withdrew the blade, twisting it as she pulled it free. Ukyou swayed once and pitched forward onto the lifeless body of her childhood friend. The last sound that Kuonji Ukyou heard was Kasumi's terrified scream. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>> Kasumi: "Of course I was terrified! All that blood on my nice clean floor? Doesn't Akane know about using dropcloths? Or a plastic sheet? Honestly, my little sister really jumps in without thinking sometimes." Wilde: "I think that was rather the whole point of the story... Hey waitaminute, I didn't see you complaining about the last clip; the one where you gullied an assassin with a chef's knife all over the nice clean tile floor." Kasumi: "That was different." Wilde: "*How* is it different?" Kasumi: "In 'Smoke and Mirrors' I'm the one doing the wet work. I clean the floors anyway. In 'The Bitter End,' Akane is the one making the mess that I have to clean up. Very inconsiderate of her. *Sigh* I suppose one gets used to it after awhile." Wilde: "Anyway... On to our next nominee; Mark MacKinnon's 'Cast A Long Shadow,' where a Ranma Saotome from a world destroyed ends up facing off with his counterparts in a parallel Earth." Kasumi: "Oh, I liked this one. What a body count..." Wilde: "...Roll clip..." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>> Ranma picked up the bucket and walked slowly over to where Ranko was struggling to regain his feet. "Wha ... what the hell ... d'jou do that for?" Ranko gritted. "This was supposed to be ... practice!" Ranma grinned unsympathetically. "Sorry, man. Guess I just overestimated your skill level." With that, he drenched Ranko. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Ranko-chan growled. "I could have used a full strength attack like that too, if I didn't care who got hurt!" "Hey, don't be sour. There's no shame in not being my equal, just because we look like each other," Ranma said angrily. Ranko-chan's eyes widened in shock. "You don't really believe that crap, do you? Of course I'm your equal!" "Then why are you a girl now and not me?" "Because you cheated!" "Hey, take it like a man, would you? You're just not as good as me, all right?" "We're the same, you idiot!!" "NO!" "WE'RE THE SAME ...!" "NO! I WOULDN'T HAVE LET THEM DIE!!" As Ranma's hoarse scream dies away, a shocked silence fell over the group for the second time that day. Nobody moved as identical pairs of stormy gray eyes locked with each other, something unspoken passing between them. Ranma's body fairly vibrated with impotent fury that pounded against his tenuous control, seeking release. Ranko, by contrast, was eerily still. The stillness of the dead. http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Ginza/8225/ <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> Kasumi: "'The stillness of the dead...' Catchy, ne?" Wilde: "It does have a darkly gravid sort of poetry to it." Kasumi: "Excuse me for just one moment would you, Jamie-san?" Wilde: "Huh? Where are you going? We need to finish this last nominee presentation." Kasumi: "I need to powder my nose. Please go on without me." Wilde: "Oh." "*ahem* Our last nominee for the 'Best Darkfic/Shockfic of 1997' is..." Wilde: "LeVar Bouyer's 'Innocence In A Minor,' which enjoys the singular distinction among our Darkfic/Shockfic nominees of being the only non-Ranma 1/2 fanfiction to get the Chicken Ball nod from you, our beloved Fan Fiction Mailing List audience... Um... Ah..." Wilde: "Uh... Did I mention that it's a Sailor Moon fic? I guess if it wasn't Ranma, it had to be Sailor Moon..." Wilde: "Yeah... *Ahem* Ah, roll clip..." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>> Wilde: "Uh.... Roll clip please...?" Kasumi: "I'm back. Did I miss anything?" Wilde: "Um, we don't seem to be getting any response from the projectionist's booth. They must be having technical difficulties or something." Kasumi: "I suppose you could call it that." Wilde: "So, ah, Kasumi-chan... Is there something you want to tell me right now?" Kasumi: "Oh my... Should there be?" Wilde: "Would you please explain to me why you are holding a blood soaked kitchen appliance, and how this might relate to the projectionist not responding to his cue all of a sudden?" Kasumi: "Well... I suppose I *may* have had something to do with it..." Wilde: "Go on..." Kasumi: "Well... I don't know what came over me..." Wilde: "Go on..." Kasumi: "Um... You see, the last nominee wasn't a Ranma 1/2 story, and I just sort of... Took it the wrong way and... Maybe got a little carried away and..." "Pureed the projectionist and his assistants... A little..." Wilde: "Kasumi, Kasumi, Kasumi... You know it's exactly this kind of behavior that gets irate citizens of the mailing list complaining of a Vast Ranma-Wing Conspiracy trying to subvert and discredit the works of non-Ranma 1/2 fanfiction..." Kasumi: "I'm sorry..." "So what do you think out there? Should we forgive Kasumi and let bygones be bygones?" Wilde: "That's what I thought... Ah! I'm getting a sign from the production engineers... Roll clip..." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>> Sailor Moon had reached a decision. Somewhere deep inside, a part of her howled in terror at what was about to happen, but she pressed on. "Yes, you'll have plenty of time to explain yourselves in the afterlife." "Nani?" Ann's heart had risen so far: was it to come crashing down? "Ai to seigi, seeraa fuku bishoujo senshi Sailor Moon! Tsuki ni kawatte, korosu yo!" And then there was no battle cry, no words of power, just the sound of two beings being blasted out of the universe. Forever. At about that moment, Mamoru came into the room, having heard about strange occurances. He looked at the scene and his mouth dropped in shock. "Sailor Moon. What have you done?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>> Wilde: "Why is it that I hear the shrieking noise from the 'Psycho' shower scene when I read this?" Kasumi: "Because Usagi is a psycho?" Wilde: "That must be it..." Kasumi: "Happens to the best of us..." Wilde: "Um... Yeah... And now that we've seen all five nominees, it's time to pick a winner. The Envelope, please..." Kasumi: "Please allow me, Jamie-san." Kasumi: "And the winner of the 1997 Chicken Ball Award for the best Darkfic/Shockfic is.... *Ill Met By Starlight* by Susan Doenime and Mike Loader!" (Susan and Mike glance at each other, nod, and trudge onto the stage. Both are dressed in the finest formalware from the 3$ rack at Achmed's Pawn and Gun.) Susan: Wow. Mike: Cool. Susan: Thanks. Mike: Yeah. (Both look slightly embarrassed.) Mike: We gotta do a speech thingie now, don't we. Susan: It's expected. Mike: Well, can we at least switch over to something besides script? A nice monologue, maybe? Susan: Who delivers it? Mike: Both of us, I guess. Just use 'we' instead of 'I'. Anyway, writing this fic has been tremendous fun for both of us. Co-writing is a neat experience; we advise those of you who haven't tried it to give it a shot. The usual series information: there will be a total of 14 chapters (give or take one or two) and two epilogues. Only one character has yet to put in an appearance (and no, it's not Happosai). We hope to have the series finished within six months - writing speed will probably pick up over the summer holidays. Little bits of IMBS trivia: * The authors make a cameo appearance in Chapter 9. * The talk program conversations in the fic were real talk conversations. After defining the goals that needed to be met in the talk, Susan took the part of Nabiki and Mike took the part of Hikaru and Ranma, and acted it out. * Unseen in the fic are the jokes placed in the author's drafts. It's become a tradition for at least one production draft per chapter to contain a spoof scene, which is then edited out by the other author. Thus, IMBS lacks such lines as Ukyou saying, "My name is Inengo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." and Akane answering the door with, "Hi, I'm Tendo Akane. Wanna fuck?". * Major plot glitches occasionally make it from the scene summary to the production drafts, and even to the preread copies. One dramatically different version of the furo scene was written by Mike - only to have Susan gently point out that he had a female Ranma sitting in a tub of steaming hot water. More common - and harder to spot - are typos and missing words that occasionally make it into the prereads. In one scene, Akane was supposed to inform Ranma that Kuno comes on to her at least once a day. Due to a accidental deletion, we had Akane saying that "Kuno comes on me every day," a side of the Kuno/Akane situation that we really didn't want to explore. --- Mike: That everything? Susan: I think so. Mike: Thanks for the award! Susan: Next part coming soon! The crowd cheers them as they leave the stage. Then the announcers' voice booms. "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the final award of the evening...." As the first few beats of a military march are heard, the crowd goes wild as Megane 6.7, dressed in the uniform of a military officer marches out on stage. He is followed by Nabiki Tendo and Tatewaki Kuno, also dressed in combat fatigues. The crowd starts chanting "TOGGG!!! TOGGG!!! TOGGG!!!" over and over as Megane approaches the podium mike. "Greetings, members of the FFML!!!" Megane begins, only to be drowned out by the deafening cheers. These people are primed and ready for the Chicken Cannon and are waiting to see who the victim would turn out to be.... "Uh, I have a quick announcement to make....Unfortunately, the Chicken Cannon Target of The Year will have to be postponed because another final exam suddenly popped up...." The crowd starts to boo and Megane laughed. "Just kidding! Just kidding! We've got all five victims here and one of them will have the unique honor of being splattered with a variety of disgusting items and foodstuffs. Oh, and that reminds me, for those of you sitting in the first three rows, the management is not responsible for any dry cleaning bills or personal injury due to projectile body parts...." The crowd cheers and whistles again while Lunari walked down the aisle, clad in a low-cut black evening gown with a silver moon-shaped amulet dangling over her breasts and a transparent rain-coat sheathed over it. She is pushing a large plastic trashbin on wheels in front of her. With a flourish, she opens the trash bin to reveal a pile of umbrellas. Immediately, the first three rows begin shelling out money for the umbrellas which Lunari cheerfully accepts. "The Chicken Cannon...." Megane continues. "....was first brought into effect for the FFML on April 6, 1997, when a certain *Catkiller* decided to attack something we all hold dear to our hearts, namely Anime and Manga. So, for those of you that missed it the first time, here is the clip of that classic FFML moment.... The audience cheers as they turn their attention to the screen. * = Video Clip *Catkiller admired his webpage as he sat at his computer, chuckling over how clever he was.* (The CB audience boos loudly.) *Suddenly, he was grabbed from both sides by two military officers as they hauled his ass out of the chair. "Hey! Who are you guys! Let me go!"* (The CB audience erupts into cheers.) *Catkiller continued to scream in vain as they slammed him against the wall and proceeded to chain him up until he was completely helpless. Catkiller began to whimper like a kitten as the two soldiers stepped away from him while another man brought in a large pressure cannon on wheels and aimed it at Catkiller. Then the man took a moment to adjust his glasses and faced the studio audience that had appeared out of nowhere.* *"Greetings, members of the FFML. My name is Megane 6.7. It has been brought to my attention that this person, Catkiller, has made an attack on something we all hold dear. While I have no problem with people expressing their personal views, THIS person seems to lack sufficient reason or explanation, blindly attacking Manga without a purpose. For this act of *hyber*-stupidity, Catkiller has been chosen "The Chicken Cannon Target of the Moment!" Load Cannon, Kun-Chan!* (The CB audience cheers again and starts to chant "Kun-Chan! Kun-Chan!" while Carol Seawright smiles and waves to the crowd from her seat.) *As Kun-Chan gleefully begins to stuff the cannon, Megane 6.7 provides a running commentary.... Today's ammo includes....live tentacles from La Blue Girl, rusty nails from Gosunkugi, six jars of marmalade, Azuza...." "GERTRUDE! GERTRUDE!!!" Azuza happily reached for Catkiller who immediately soiled himself and started to bawl before Kun-Chan finally got her in the cannon.* (The CB audience goes wild over this. Some begin holding up lit cigerette lighters.) *"....And for a festive touch, Kraft Miniature Marshmallows." Kun-Chan finished stuffing the last item in the pressure cannon and then walked over to the firing controls. Megane 6.7 turned to the doomed Catkiller. "And.....FIRE!!!" The chicken cannon discharged, unleashing it's full wrath on him.* (It is pandemonium as the CB audience goes wild. The studio cameras begin shaking from the volume of the audience.) *Megane 6.7 exchanged a high-five with Kun-Chan before turning back to face the audience once again.* *"I'd like to thank.....me for suggesting the Chicken Cannon Target of the Moment. I'll be sure to send myself a copy of the Royal Canadian Air Farce Video Yearbook Volume 4. I'd also like to thank Kun-Chan for her participation in this sacred ceremony. And to add that while Catkiller may have the right to say what he wants, WE have the right to retaliate as we see fit!* (The CB audience roars it's approval.) *Megane 6.7 and Kun-Chan salute.* *"The Chicken Cannon. Someday all battles will be fought this way."* As the film clip ends, the crowd cheers while Lunari has just finished selling the last umbrella and stuffs the money down the front of her chest, before walking up on stage and quickly exiting to the left while Megane 6.7 continues with the ceremony. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for all evening....Here are the top five nominees for 'Chicken Cannon Target of 1997!'" As the death march begins playing over the speakers, Lunari brings out the first nominee, gagged and heavily bound to a two-wheeled dolly. Megane 6.7 begins the introduction. "Our first nominee is the creator of the infamous and incomprehensible original draft of "Hellraisers", which was MSTed, by the way, by yours truly. He once told the FFML off when the original draft of his story received criticism and he later apologized. He is Aaron Eaton....Eaton!" The crowd cheers as Aaron is placed against a slot in the wall with a brass number 1 tacked above it. Lunari then goes into the back for the second nominee. "Our second nominee is the author of "Curse of Darkness" and is famous for pointless, drawn-out character arguments, where he keeps saying that Pantyhose Taro and Ukyo are great, Ranma is scum, and just lots of incredibly opinionated ranting. He is Blade....Blade!" Lunari wheels out Blade and places him in the slot next to Aaron. "Third on our list is the self-proclaimed 'Mega Man', known for lots of really dumb, clueless postings -- asking really stupid questions that made Dustin Goeller look competent by comparison; and posting a fic that was so badly formatted, it crashed a lot of people's systems. Let's give it up for Emperor Stephen....Stephen! "Our fourth nominee is considered by many to be way too opinionated....he often rants about how people should only write the kind of stories that he likes and he even killfiled Richard Lawson at some point and made a big deal about it. Ladies and Gentlemen, he is Kris Overstreet, better known as Redneck Gaijin....Gaijin!" As Lunari positions Ken under the fourth position, Megane 6.7 nervously swallows as he read the final nominee. "Uh....Our final nominee is really not that bad of a guy....uh....he occasionally takes his sweet time with his fanfics and he likes to make fun of other people's fanfics, strictly for humor purposes, mind you....heh....and he took an extremely long time with these awards but college took up a lot of his time so is it really his fault?" "GET ON WITH IT!!!" The audience roared. "Um, okay. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing....Megane 6.7....me." The crowd roars again as Lunari approaches Megane 6.7 with a pair of handcuffs. "Heh...is that really necessary?" Megane asks timidly as he is cuffed and dragged over to the dolly against his will. "Not to worry, handsome...." she whispers back. "After all, you got through the rehearsal okay...." Lunari adds as she strapped Megane 6.7 to the dolly and positioned under the final slot. Lunari then reaches into his breast pocket for the envelope. She walked over to the podium and opens it. "And the winner is...." Lunari begins. The crowd leans forward expectantly. "Actually...." Lunari remarks as she placed the envelope behind her back. "Since all of these guys deserve to be blasted for one thing or another, what's say we ignore the results and just give them all what for!" she exclaims excitedly. "WHAT?!?!" The five nominees scream in horror. "BRING OUT THE CANNONS!!!" Lunari shouts towards backstage. The FFML hordes go wild, their cries filled with bloodlust as five large pressure cannons are brought out and positioned in front of each victim. "HEY! THIS WASN'T DISCUSSED IN REHEARSAL!!!" Megane 6.7 screams in vain as Metal Kasumis begin chanting and clashing railroad sledges together, drowning the protests of the victims out. Hundreds of torches cast their sanguine glow over the five victims as they come to grips with the magnitude of their mistakes.... Lunari begins reading the items that are even now being shoved into the chicken cannon. "Tonight ammo includes....Ectoplasm.... a barrel of molasses....spam....used razor blades....used pantyhose.... hamdingers....revolver....knife....wrench....candlestick....rope....leadpipe... . colonel's brand mustard....sticky keyboards from lemon readers....a dayplanner....frozen beer cans, Canadian of course....lemon merangue pies, prepared by Akane Tendo...." The FFML hordes emit a collective gasp of horror.