{Ranma 1/2 and Star Wars are properties of Rumiko Takahashi and George Lucas and all their friends and lawyers, not us. Mike and I are poor so don't sue us. This story is not for use in the pursuit of making money in any shape or form. This story not for use without permission from us.}

Star Wars - A Faint Hope

The sounds of blaster fire echoed through the corridors of the Corellian blockade runner. This was fairly normal; at least, normal for when small illicit craft are forcibly stopped and boarded by Imperial Star Destroyers. Stormtroopers prefer to shoot first and ask for surrenders later.

And so, Her Royal Highness, Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, did the smart thing and ran like hell for the farthest part of the ship from the hatch.

She was expendable. The plans weren't.

So she had to find a suitable astromech droid, one who could safely hold the precious data and get it safely to the general.

And here, just around the corner, was a tiny blue R2 model. Leia vaguely remembered as belonging to the other member of royalty on board the ship. Nerima was a world sympathetic to the rebellion, so the droid should be a safe bet.

"Here, little fellow," she called softly. The droid glanced over at her, and its sensor brightened with a somewhat unnerving glint. Bleeping enthusiastically, it scuttled over to the waiting Princess.

Fishing in her belt, Leia drew out the precious datacard. "You've got to take this message to General Kenobi on the planeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEYAAAHHH!"

Outraged, Leia quickly jumped back out of the reach of the aptly named grasping arm. The tiny droid beeped, the sound somehow lecherous, and retracted the appendage. To her horror, she noticed a black silk undergarment gripped tightly in the claw...

It suddenly felt... drafty.

Her cheeks reddening, Leia hurried off. Captain Antillies had an astromech; it'd do just fine.

R2-HT gave a mechanical chirp of glee, stowed the royal panties in an inner compartment, and trundled off. Whatta haul! Whatta haul! Boy, wouldn't C-KN0 be jealous!

"Yo, droid!"

HT's perverted little sensors twitched. The mistress! Sweetums!

"I gotta datacard here for you..."

Droids can't grin. R2-HT did anyway.

"...and bring me the passengers. I want them alive!"

With a menacing flick of his cape, Darth Vader stormed off the bridge of the captured blockade runner. Every stormtrooper present breathed a heartfelt sigh of relief.

It wasn't that Vader was scary. Midterms at the Carida Academy were scary. Large, trooper-eating snakes were scary. Rebels with thermal detonators and maniac grins were scary. But the Dark Lord of the Sith made all of those look like a comfy evening in front of the fire with a mug of hot tea and mother knitting something. People in his presence were too busy being terrified to be scared.

"Remember, he's on my side," hapless servants of the Empire used to tell themselves in a vain effort to keep from soiling their regulation white-on-black undergarments. Then some thoughtful numberpusher casually mentioned in a post on the MilWeb that Lord Vader had killed over 145 times the amount of Imperial troops as he had Rebels.

The Fervent Tyranny Overthrow Cell, a splinter group from the Alliance, intercepted this message and promptly awarded the Dark Lord their highest honors.

Glad to have escaped alive, the stormtroopers hauled up the body of the dead Corellian captain and began to trundle him off. And then the bridge door opened, revealing a shape in black body armor.

Oh no, was the silent thought. Vader's come back. We're all dead.

Coolant mist swirling theatrically around him, the Dark Lord deliberately trod forward and seized the dead captain by the throat in a viselike grip. Slowly raising the corpse, he looked directly into its slack features, the dead eyes reflected in the lenses of his helmet.

"Where is the transmission you intercepted?"

Relief mixed with embarrassment as the stormtroopers silently looked somewhere else. It wasn't Vader after all.

"Well?"

The platoon leader cleared his throat. "Er. Lord Ono?"

The figure in black turned to regard him. "Yes?"

"Er. Um, that man's dead, sir. Sorry, sir."

Lord Tofu Ono, the other Dark Lord of the Sith, carefully wiped the lenses of his helmet with his free hand, then examined his prisoner once again. "Hmm. So he is."

"Lord Vader broke his neck," chimed in a recruit. The platoon leader winced. Ono scowled, and angrily tossed the body aside.

"Lord Vader," he said, voice dripping with spite, "is a clumsy, egotistical, joke of an amateur. He doesn't know the first thing about proper use of the Force, or chiropractic techniques."

Most of the stormtroopers wisely stayed silent. The recruit sniggered.

Lord Ono glared at him, and casually tapped the recruit's armor with a gloved pinkie. The platoon leader, who had worked under Ono before, shuddered.

"Tear this ship apart until..."

"...we find the plans? Lord Vader already...."

Tofu snarled. "Vader, Vader, Vader! He's not the only student of the Emperor, you know! He's not even the first one! I was!"

This was true, and most of the stormtroopers knew it. Emperor Palpatine, needing a right-hand man for his consolidation of power and extermination of the Jedi, had set his sights on the skilled young Jedi Chiropractor. Tofu had, after a brief struggle, become the mildly- feared servant of fairly unpleasant behavior that he was today.

It was also true that the Emperor, after muttering something about 'back to the drawing board', had then carefully ignored Tofu's existence and turned his efforts to one Anakin Skywalker.

Thus, while Vader purposefully strode forth on missions from his master aimed at crushing the Rebel Alliance, Ono tended to meander around on rather pointless quests of his own.

The best way to deal with him, as the platoon leader knew, was to respectfully acknowledge his every command, salute smartly, and then never get around to carrying out his orders.

"Er, Lord Ono," he began hesitantly, "we'll let you know if we find the plans for the Death Star. Just as soon as we..."

Tofu flicked a black-gloved hand dismissively. "Feh, who cares about the Death Star? Your mission, Trooper, is to find the plans for Project J that were beamed to this ship. At once. Is that clear?"

"Yessir," barked the platoon leader, saluting crisply.

"Good. Call me when you find them." Turning, the Dark Lord of the Sith stormed into a wall, swore, wiped the coolant mist off his helmet lenses, and sheepishly slunk out the door.

Sighing, the platoon leader turned to the recruit. "Son... that was real dumb. Everyone knows that Lord Ono'll stand just about anything but disrespect. And now look at what's happened."

The novice stormtrooper made a rude noise. "Feh. So he poked me. Big deal. A REAL Dark Lord, like Darth Vader, would have auuughhhaggggghhhjjjhgfddffhhj*splat*gish*blorp*"

The platoon leader shook his head sadly. "Men, flush what's left of Trooper Gelik down the commode." Lord Ono wasn't as bloody-minded as Vader, but he was still an incredibly powerful Dark Jedi with a extensive knowledge of pressure points and the human body. Armor didn't help. It just prevented the liquid remains of the ex-stormtrooper from making a mess on the floor.

"And the plans he mentioned, sir?"

"Bugger that. Vader told us to find the passengers, so we find the passengers."

C-KN0 turned the corner, looking to retrieve his diminutive, yet quite lecherous companion, R2-HT. How he despised the little droid, but it seemed that they were in the firefight together and thus had to work together to escape in one piece. Or at least, for him to escape; the fate of the astromech was secondary.

Turning down another corridor, he caught sight of R2-HT at the other end, and there was a strange woman with him. A strange, buxom, lithe, red-haired woman, kneeling down enticingly in something sheer and clingy. Or maybe he was just imagining it and she was really dressed in a red shirt and black pants.

C-KN0 could feel his wires begin to melt as he watched the woman with R2-HT for a moment. Unable to control himself any longer, he shuffled as quickly as possible toward the two. "Oh beauteous one, waste not your attention on that lesser droid!" he yelled, waving his hand at her.

She looked up at him, blue eyes flashing, then looked down at R2- HT. She fiddled with something then swatted away one of the droid's claws, and ran off down the corridor.

Finally reaching R2-HT, C-KN0 looked longingly after the woman. "Who was that enticing creature?"

R2-HT practically bounced up and down in place, beeping and whistling excitedly.

"A mission? She wishes us to complete a mission for her? If such a beautiful woman asks a favor of us, then how can we deny her desires? Behold! C-KN0, renowned protocol droid of the galaxy shall..."

R2-HT chirped annoyedly at him.

"Yes, yes... And R2-HT, lecherous astromech, shall stop at nothing to fulfill our given mission!" C-KN0 adopted a heroic pose, then looked down at R2. "What was the mission?"

R2-HT told the other droid what had happened, knowing C-KN0 wouldn't believe a word he had said. That was one thing about the translator droids that could always be counted on. Predictability. It also made them great to play pranks on.

"Indeed. A princess and secret plans... Very well, we shall go!"

If it was possible for robots to facefault or sweat or do anything not related to real life, R2-HT had just done it.

"Escape is our first order of business. To the escape pods!" C- KN0 headed toward the closest bank of emergency lifepods with R2-HT following.

The tiny droid had the feeling that he was getting into something very, very bad. But anything for that cute princess! R2-HT sped down the corridor, past C-KN0.

"The Princess was a most fetching creature indeed," C-KN0 sighed as they walked. "And to think, she required our help..."

*Bwoop beep dweep whistle* R2-HT answered, humming in place. His display lights were flashing wildly as they made their way to the escape pods. The sounds of blaster fire had ceased, but they knew they weren't out of the proverbial woods yet.

C-KN0 made a disgusted sound. "You shall not speak to me in such a manner. When did they start programming astromechs with such foul tongues?" Shaking his head at the fate of being cursed with the lecherous R2-HT, C-KN0 wished for an industrial laser to take care of his companion.

"This way, you cretinous little slug," the translator droid said as the two turned down a grated passage. "Why she would ever consider a foul trash compacted heap a suitable courier is beyond even my immense comprehension."

*Dwoop bee fip boop woo* The R2 unit's lights were flickering crazily again.

"And she appeared none to grateful for your... attentions." As possible as it is for a droid to sneer, C-KN0 did it. "That grasping claw is a tool, not an extension of your lechery!"

Summarily ignoring his unwanted companion, R2-HT continued to reminisce about the kawaii little princess that had put her hands all over him. *Whistle woo beep bip*

"No, I do not believe she will be 'slipping you' any more plans!" C-KN0 rapped sharply on R2-HT's dome-shaped top, who approximated a droid snicker. "Cease such ignoble comments about the princess, or you shall be summarily blasted out an airlock!"

R2-HT whistled forlornly, then chirped happily as the two reached the escape pods.

"While my sentiments may be similar, she would invariably choose me as her translator over you as her astromech. You are nothing more than a peasant mechanical droid to her, while I am versed in the finer arts of diplomatic process and..."

The little forked appendage that came out of a recently opened door on the R2 unit's trunk touched the reflective metallic skin of C- KN0's leg, sending a burst of electricity jolting through the taller droid.

C-KN0's words became garbled as the current played havoc with his speech center.

R2-HT withdrew the extremity and rolled over to the escape pod access panel, leaving the translator droid gibbering behind him. Using his computer access rod, R2 tried to activate the pods. Turning back to see C-KN0 recovering, he beeped slyly.

C-KN0 knocked himself in the head once to clear his sensors, then turned a cross pair of visual detectors on the squat robot. "No, I do not believe the Princess would care to see your computer access 'member' or witness your speed at 'data retrieval'. Our first priority is to see through on the mission the fiery-haired Princess has given to us."

R2-HT returned to accessing the escape pods only to discover they had all been jettisoned. Making a sound that could have been interpreted as 'uh oh', he stopped accessing the computer.

"And what obstacle might we have encountered this time? Hm?" C- KN0 tapped expectantly on R2-HT. "We must not let anything stand in our way."

Retracting his access rod, R2 backed away from the panel. Now just what were they supposed to do now? C-KN0 couldn't get them out; he couldn't formulate a crew list for a freighter, let alone an escape plan. It was up to him to get things done.

Speeding away, paying no mind to C-KN0's questions, R2-HT was forming a serious plan.

"You two droids, stop where you are!"

The two stopped in place and turned in unison. Neither was particularly afraid, as the Empire in general was far too conceited and egotistical for its own good, but they didn't want to fail the princess.

"And what evilness have you visited upon our..." C-KN0 began.

"Good. We could use a translator droid," the trooper in the lead said.

"What for, sir?"

"Have you ever tried to understand a cantina full of half-drunk aliens who can barely tell you their own name? It's not easy."

Several other troopers nodded in agreement. Blasting them was always a last resort, but it was important to appear in control, even when there was a complete failure to communicate.

"You think that I would step foot into any of the filthy establish..."

"Yeah, this one'll do. Grab the little one too, just in case. It might come in handy if we have problems."

"Remove your hands from my person," C-KN0 ordered as a pair of stormtroopers grabbed his arms and began to drag him away.

"Save it until we're ready for you, droid."

R2-HT beeped softly at C-KN0.

"I am unaware of our purpose aboard this ship. Whenever I attempt to get an explanation, I am most rudely cut off," C-KN0 returned quietly.

R2 continued his quiet noises, seeing several of the troopers nearby look over at them.

"And what, pray tell, is wrong with how I speak? My speech patterns have served me for many years as a highly successful translator, and now I am expected to abandon what I have achieved so much doing?" C-KN0's voice was rising in volume. "Nay! It is that which..."

More troopers looked over at the sudden silence, watching R2-HT withdraw the electrically charged prod he had just put to use. Several sighs of relief were heard.

Safely en route to the surface of the planet Tatooine, the stormtroopers were beginning to get antsy in the company of the two droids. The little one wasn't too bad, but there was definitely a threatening air about it, and the translator... Lord help whoever he had to translate for. Straws were being drawn for who would be stuck with it.

Recovering, C-KN0 looked down at the little R2 unit. "You vile, little scrap-heap. You do know that I utterly despise you, don't you?"

Several troopers had their hands resting on their blaster rifles, wondering if too big a commotion would be started.

One of the officers chose that moment to make an appearance at that time much to the delight of R2-HT. Even though her hair was pinned up under the hat and she wore the same drab uniform as the others, there was no mistaking her gender.

Sensor flaring to life, making some very... impolite noises, R2- HT quickly advanced on the female officer with all appendages extended. Sweeto! It was the most frightening moment of the officer's life, even eclipsing the brief meeting she had had with Lord Vader.

"Shoot this little monster!" she yelled, pointing at the droid.

Blasters were leveled, ready to happily comply with the order.

"Hold! As detestable as I find my companion, we have pressing matters to attend to. Blasting him would impair our ability to complete the mission, and that would invariably disappoint the beauteous princess..."

With amazing self-control, R2 turned away from the officer and beeped annoyedly, again, at C-KN0.

"Nonsense. Knowing the importance of our mission, they shall no doubt release us and assist us to deliver the plans for the Prin..."

R2-HT made a sound that was almost... dangerous.

"Your feeble threats do not frighten me." Moving quickly for a droid with locked joints, C-KN0 pulled out of thin air apparently...

"Where'd it get that stick?" one trooper asked.

"Beats me. I've never seen a droid move that fast before."

"You idiots! Get rid of these two mechanical rejects!" the officer yelled.

Absorbed in their argument over the mission, waving sticks and electrically charged appendages around, the two droids didn't even notice the troopers slowly moving in on them.

Unexpectedly, the protocol droid swung his stick in a wide arc, missing the shorter astromech, and hit one of the troopers in the chest. Only his armor saved him from a horrible bruise.

Stumbling back a little, tripping over someone's foot, the trooper landed square on his rump, accidentally firing off his blaster.

Everyone ducked as the shot ricocheted around the ship until it struck an unawares pilot, killing the sap instantly. There was silence except for the two droids arguing loudly still. C-KN0 swung his stick again, striking another trooper accidentally, knocking him into the others.

Putting one hand over her face, the officer shook her head. "Fine. I guess I do this myself then." Watching the two battle and babble, the officer went ahead and released the docking safeties, opening the airlock that the two were standing on.

As the two were sucked out of the ship and sent hurtling through the atmosphere of the planet, not even knowing how fortunate they were that were not in outer space, C-KN0 yelled, "Cowards!"

Then he got down to the business of panicking at the fact that impact would most likely send him scattering in several thousand parts across the planet surface. Unless he could somehow break his fall by landing on R2-HT...

There was no time, however, as the ground was coming up fast, and it appeared that they might land on those two... black... dots...

Jawas tend to spend much of their dull, squat, verminous little lives doing things with droids. Selling them was the most common thing. Repairing them was another... well, at least making them look repaired, anyway. Some particularly pathetic Jawas even slept with them, because it's hard to get a date on Saturday night when you're a filthy, three- foot-high humanoid rat clothed in rags that a leper would wrinkle his nose in disgust in. But no Jawa had ever actually been killed by a droid. Until now.

*WHAM!*

Two of the little humanoids were wiped out right there and then as R2-HT and C-KN0 landed right on top them, turning the area in a 15 foot circle around them into a giant smear of Jawa bits.

Jawas are one of the few things about Tattooine that are even remotely famous.

In major, urban, cosmopolitan worlds like Coruscant, Corellia, and Vertide, a thriving trade is done in Jawa dolls, plushies, virtual pets, and air-fresheners. This is because the Jawa profile is cute and cuddly, with the pointy hood and button eyes and adorable waddle. And they have bandoleers and guns, which appeals to the intergalactic equivalent of rednecks and 10-year-old boys.

And so, most sentient beings who ever hear of the race go through life thinking that Jawas are cute.

This is a reasonable but enormous mistake.

Possibly, if you gave a Jawa a industrial strength bath, a tailor-made robe, enough odor eaters to freshen a skunk colony, a manicure, and a acting lesson... well, it probably still wouldn't be cute, but it would be closer.

The closest thing to a cute Jawa is a dead one. If nothing else, it improves the smell and removes the fear that they might try to touch you.

Two Jawas of the Gaaaahp'oootie Parasitic Scavenger Collective were currently trying to attain cuteness over a quarter-mile radius. Their less cuddly but still living companions stared at the droids that had caused this. The one or two Jawas with what passed for a sense of hygiene absently brushed bits of entrails off their clothing, and licked their lips.

C-KN0 slowly sat up, and took stock of the situation. He was in one piece, which was good. He was covered with some sort of gore, which was bad. R2-HT was bleeping and half buried in the sand, which was good. There were a number of small, grubby-looking creatures clustering around him, which was bad.

"Avert thy gaze, base knaves!" he said in Magrat, trade tongue of barely-sentient creatures who infest spaceports. While it was uncertain if the little creatures even knew what a spaceport was, they looked like experts on infesting.

The Jawas chattered to each other in a squeaky, primitive tongue for a few seconds. C-KN0 stood, and with great dignity brushed shreds of Jawa from his faux-golden surface, pretending not to listen. He was fluent in over three million forms of communication, but this wasn't one of them. Still, he was a fast learner when it came to languages, and it gradually began to make some sort of sense.

"Ochee gas sell mukgah out of the blue eechebee?"

"Go-nah toku squashed ootah felkii flat!"

"Muso gamp should visdis kak shoot them."

C-KN0 quivered with outrage. The nerve!

"So, thou wouldst shoot the noble C-KN0 and his companion in metal? Doubtless delaying our quest on behalf of the most beauteous pig-tailed princess? Feel the wrath of the Golden Translator of Furinkan Cybernetics, squat offal!"

Thunder crashed somewhere in the background.

The Jawas watched in sheer disbelief as the droid from the sky whipped out a stick and charged.

After watching him beat five of their number to a bloody pulp, they shot him repeatedly.

The astromech buried upside-down in the sand didn't look like much of a threat, but they shot it too. Just in case.

These are the Jundland wastes.

They are treacherous, forbidding, barren. Sandpeople live in them, and greet travelers in their own special ethnic way.

Despite this - or, perhaps because of this - moisture farmers persistently cluster around the fringes, eking out a living by growing things that could probably be grown much more easily somewhere else.

Moisture farmers came in many different sexes, races, and sizes, but they all had one thing in common. They weren't young, and they had pretty much had it with the outside galaxy. This worked out fine, because the outside galaxy had usually pretty much had it with them.

The current crop of farmers in the Anchorhead area contained three ex-smugglers, two former lawyers, a Senator in the Old Republic, four fleet officers from the wrong side of the Clone Wars, a Barabel with a vast collection of stormtrooper helmets, the foster parents of Darth Vader's son, and a widower named Soun Tendo.

At the moment, this individual was crying his eyes out.

"Wah! My only remaining daughter's going to leave me all alone in my old age!"

Kasumi Tendo frowned slightly. "Now father, that's not so. I just said that eventually I might consider leaving the farm, that's all."

Soun sniffled, and carefully examined his eldest child. She smiled back at him, patted him on the head, and wandered into the kitchen. "You just sit down, father, and I'll bring you a nice cup of tea."

Sighing, Soun sank into an armchair. He knew he was a bit overprotective, but... he couldn't help it. Ever since losing his wife and two youngest daughters in that freak nerf herding accident, he found himself constantly worrying about his eldest daughter, now his sole heir.

If it weren't for the fact that continuing the family line required two people, he wouldn't even let her go into town on weekends. As it was, she had begun dating that Darklighter boy... but he moved away last year, and Soun had gotten the impression that she had been going out with him simply because it was expected. Hints on his part that she might try a date with the Skywalker boy were met with the pleasant, slightly bemused look that she normally gave his more ridiculous ideas. His daughter seemed to prefer older men, and Luke had the spiritual age of a energetic puppy.

He sighed. Getting Kasumi a decent husband was proving to be a major headache. Young people just didn't stay around this place; they applied to the Academy, or bought passage to a major world, or took the Jabba the Hutt Scholarship for Promising Young Sentients.

Emerging from the kitchen with a cup of scrub tea, Kasumi carefully set it on the table near his chair. "I'm going into town to do some shopping, father. Is there anything you need?"

Soun's brow wrinkled. "Hmm. A newspaper, two pipes of tabac, and see if you can find us some replacements for the droids the Tusken stole."

"Okay!"

"And please don't buzz the Hamthax's place again. They called to complain the other night."

"Oh dear. All right, father."

As his daughter walked out the door, Soun fished out two pieces of cotton wool and carefully stuffed them in his ears.

*vvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!*

As soon as the vase on the corner shelf stopped shaking, he removed the wool.

The Jundland wastes were hostile, barren, forbidden, and very, very boring. So young people did what young people always do in such places - drive souped-up vehicles at ludicrous speeds through narrow, dangerous areas.

In an area noted for this, Kasumi Tendo was widely regarded as the Nicest Person In The Anchorhead Area, Most Likely To Make Some Lucky Man A Great Wife, and Most Likely To Smear Herself All Over A Canyon If She Keeps Driving That Repulsorlift With Seats The Way She Does.

Everyone liked Kasumi.

More specifically, everyone liked Kasumi when she wasn't driving.

Pulling her horribly overengined landspeeder to a screeching halt, she gingerly got out of the driver's seat and walked into the streets of Anchorhead. People smiled, waved, and noted where she was parked for future avoiding.

She hadn't gone more that a block before the Jawas flagged her down.

Kasumi was possibly the only resident of the area who would, when confronted by apparently crazed Jawas frantically waving their hands, smile pleasantly instead of shooting them.

"Good morning!"

^!Droids! You want Droids?!^

"Oh. Well, actually, I am looking for...."

^!Good! They're yours! Take them!^

Kasumi blinked. While she usually had little trouble with buying things, the little merchant wasn't making much sense.

"How much...."

^!We'll pay you 20!^

"Pay me 20?"

^!Okay! 30! Deal?^ Without even waiting for the puzzled moisture farmer to nod, the Jawas frantically hustled two bound and gagged droids out of a nearby alleyway. Kasumi stood, bemused, as they shoved an ownership datacard and 30 coins into her hands, laughed insanely, and ran like hell.

This was most odd, Kasumi thought. While people often gave her free samples, no-one had ever paid her money to accept valuable machines before.

Oh well. Never look a gift droid in the circuits.

With some difficulty, she managed to remove the gag from the large golden one.

"At last! Liberated from the vile clutches of those repulsive peasant scum! Back in the surface of a honorable liege!" The translator droid bowed. "I am C-KN0, noble protocol droid. And the astromech you have so wisely kept muffled is my counterpart, R2-HT. We are both at your service, Lord...?"

"I'm Kasumi Tendo," she responded. "My, what a bargain. Do you speak Bocce?"

C-KN0 sniffed slightly. "I comprehend the language of every civilized race worth mentioning. Oh, and Jawas, too."

"How about binary moisture vaporators?'

The droid looked taken aback. "What might those be? They sound suspiciously like something involving manual labor." C-KN0 somehow managed to invest the last two words with a degree of odiousness usually only found in pairings like 'gang rape', 'child molesting', or 'tax audit'.

This wasn't good, Kasumi thought. The main reason the farm needed droids was for those vaporators. Perhaps the little one knew how to handle them? Kneeling, she began to work the bonds off the R2 unit.

Behind her, C-KN0 fidgeted alarmedly. "Lord Tendo..."

"Oh dear, just Kasumi."

"Miss Kasumi, you might want to wait to release that malodorous little robot until there are more people around, ones with blasters or electric bantha prods..."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll make due."

C-KN0 winced as the last durarope came loose, and waited for the inevitable cacophony of lecherous beeps and female screams.

To his vast surprise, R2-HT bleeped pleasantly, performed a systems check, and rattled off a series of electronic clicks for the protocol droid's benefit.

"Why... ahem... Master Kasumi, he wishes to inform you that he is well acquainted with vaporator operation." With an amazed look, C-KN0 listened to another flurry of beeping. "He.. he says he's eager to see them and whip them into shape for you? R2-HT, are you feeling quite well?"

Kasumi beamed at the little astromech, and fondly patted the dome. "My, what a handy little fellow."

R2-HT bleeped endearingly.

"Now, if you two will wait right here, I'll be right back with some groceries for you to carry."

As their new master walked off, C-KN0 stared at his companion in disbelief. "I must say, for once you behaved with decorum and gentility. Have you picked up a flutter?"

The little droid bleeped puzzledly. To tell the truth, it had no idea whatsoever why it hadn't gone for a cheap feel. Odd, that.

Kasumi hummed happily as she walked back to her landspeeder. The two droids following her were less so. "And why did you agree to help this young lady? She works us as if we are slaves," C-KN0 seethed to R2-HT.

R2-HT, still running a full internal systems diagnostic, ignored him and continued rolling along behind their new master... mistress... Sweeto!

His grasping claw shot out to acquire a new souvenir, but halted in mid pinch. He couldn't do it. Violating his new mistress' undergarments just seemed so... wrong. He intensified his diagnostic efforts.

"Whatever is that worrisome whirring noise?" Kasumi asked, turning to look at the two droids. There appeared to be some sort of smoke pouring out of the little R2's top.

"Oh dear!" Hurrying back to relieve the unit of its burden, she deposited everything R2-HT had been carrying on top of C-KN0's impressive pile of groceries. She didn't notice as he toppled over backwards.

"You poor little droid! What's happened?" Kasumi kneeled down in front of R2, running her hands over his metal frame. She didn't feel any damage and it didn't look damaged at all. What could be wrong to cause so much smoke? "What did those Jawas do to you?"

The grinding, whirring noise in R2-HT stopped suddenly, and the smoke dissipated eventually. In fact, a purring noise started.

Kasumi smiled and patted R2-HT. "Feeling better?" she asked pleasantly.

R2 beeped in the affirmative as Kasumi stood, and the two headed to the landspeeder.

"Now..." Kasumi stopped, realizing she had no idea what to call the droids. "What should I..." When she turned to ask the protocol droid, she noticed he wasn't there. Looking left and right, Kasumi finally noticed the heap of groceries on the ground.

"Oh... oh no! The groceries!" She hurried over to the pile and began picking things up. "I do hope the wamp rat steaks haven't been dirtied."

She smiled as she lifted the bag with the steaks in it. It was all intact. Apparently, C-KN0's face had stopped it from hitting the ground.

"If you wouldn't find it an inconvenience..." he said, struggling feebly under the immense pile.

"Maybe this is why those Jawas paid me to take you. This little R2 unit seems quite helpful, and yet you have only caused trouble so far." Kasumi tsked gently and began removing the groceries.

"Honestly, I don't know why Father insists on moisture farming," Kasumi said to herself, frowning ever so slightly. "This dry weather can't be good for his health, and he's getting too old to do the work by himself when I leave..."

Kasumi helped C-KN0 back to his feet and dusted him off somewhat. "There, now as I was saying," she said as she began loading the groceries into the droid's arms again, "what can I do with a protocol droid? If you don't want to help with the vaporators, then you're not really that much good to us."

Kasumi was walking back to the speeder, talking almost to herself again. "Maybe those nice Jawas would take you back... I'm sure they'd find a use for you; then you'd feel important, I'm sure."

C-KN0 followed as quickly as he could. Things had taken a sudden turn for the worse. He hadn't even gotten a chance to impress the young lady with his knowledge of...

"Yes, I think that's what I'll do. R2-HT, did you see where those Jawas went?"

Regretfully, R2 had not. He sure would have been happy to dump that bump on a log C-KN0 if he could, too. Then he could have the pretty lady all to himself. If droids could drool, he would have. As it was, he burbled up a little lubricant.

"That's unfortunate." Kasumi stood with one hand on her cheek, looking around. "I suppose I should just take you with me. Perhaps Father will know what to do with you."

As the group and their groceries piled into the landspeeder, bungie cording the two droids down since the engine was immense enough to take up all passenger room, anyone who noticed Kasumi preparing to leave cleared the streets.

Kasumi made sure everything was secured; it wouldn't do to have groceries flying out the back. Daintily, she got behind the controls of the speeder and smoothed her dress out before starting the engine.

To R2-HT and C-KN0's delicate audio sensors, it was like being in the middle of a herd of mating banthas. Only the fact that droids had no bladders to lose control of saved them from a bad case of rust.

Kasumi looked back at the two and smiled reassuringly. "It should only take two hours or so to get back. Hold on."

"To whaaaaaaat?" C-KN0's voice was lost as the engine thundered and the speeder was off.

Soun sat glumly at home in the little kitchen area. He was staring longingly at the unprepared food. He couldn't possibly hope to make it himself, not without Kasumi. And Kasumi had talked about leaving... Impossible! She couldn't or he'd be completely helpless. If only his friend Saotome was there to help...

Lower lip quivering, Soun was unprepared for the sudden ear- shattering blast of sound that shook the entire house, even though it was underground. "KASUUUUMIIIII!" he yelled, which was impossible to hear over the horrible roaring, until the engine noise stopped suddenly and left him screaming at the top of his lungs.

Realizing the noise was gone, Soun stopped screaming and removed his fingers from his ears. He shook his head, trying to get the ringing to stop and the flashing lights to disappear.

"Mothra, come bone!"

Soun looked around in a blind panic. Who was there with him and just what were they talking about? He shook his head again when he saw Kasumi enter the kitchen. "KASUMI."

"Go fy, Mothra. Cuts za bottom?"

Soun stared at Kasumi for a moment. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, KASUMI?"

Kasumi winced. "Cot zo proud, Mothra."

Soun wedged his pinkie finger in one ear and tried to shake out whatever was preventing him from hearing correctly.

"Father, is there something wrong? Why are you yelling?" Kasumi asked, holding some groceries.

Soun got angry for almost an entire nanosecond before he gave in to Kasumi's smile and began crying. "Ka-su-mi! Don't leave!" he blubbered.

"But Father, I've just returned. I won't be leaving until..." Kasumi looked at a calendar on the wall and flipped a couple pages. "Until after dinner. But right now, I've got to do something with these droids. They're just filthy."

Soun's tears dried. "Droids? What droids?"

Kasumi turned and pointed at the two mounds of groceries. "These two. Some nice Jawas paid me to take them, and the R2 unit is so helpful, I just couldn't leave them behind."

Soun stared at the groceries. "The Jawas paid you to take two mechanical piles of groceries? How very odd. I've never known them to be so... helpful before."

Kasumi giggled. "Oh my, no, Father. The droids are carrying the groceries." She put all the groceries away with her usual speed and grace. She obviously believed in applying her everyday skills to her driving because those groceries were put up, shut up, zipped up, locked up and thoroughly arranged neatly in the cupboards in about five seconds.

Soun, paying no mind to Kasumi's apparently superhuman grocery abilities, looked thoughtfully at the droids. "They _are_ a ragged duo, aren't they?" He walked in a circle around them making noises of doubt and confirmation.

"The little one can work with the vaporators, Father."

"He can, can he? That will be useful..."

Kasumi smiled happily at that. Anything to get his mind off the fact that she would be leaving to check out the landspeeder hot rod show past the 600th sand dune after dinner.

"And what about this one? What does it do?" Sound asked, poking C-KN0.

C-KN0 growled. "Peasants and lecherous machines, I am surrounded by them!" He straightened up, some of his joints being bent from the strain of the groceries, and tried to look dignified. The crunching, grinding noise that came from the sand in his joints didn't help a whole lot.

"I, known to my peers and masters, am known as C-KN0! The Golden Translator of..."

His wondrous speech was cut off by Soun suddenly sticking his fingers into places a polite droid doesn't allow. "It's filthy. Kasumi, maybe you should clean them up. That should help its speech problem."

"Yes, Father. Come along and we'll have you clean by dinner."

"How dare you! Implying that I might..."

Kasumi hit the button and activated the restraining bolt on C- KN0. It worked enough to shut him up for a time. "I said, come along. We can't have droids tracking sand all over the house."

In the repair area, where Kasumi normally did her engine work, C- KN0 was already in the hot oil. The sand was finally working its way out of his joints and he no longer smelled like a pile of dirty Jawa clothing. He sighed in relief.

Kasumi was working on R2-HT, cleaning the Jawa chunks off that were really stuck on. "You two droids must have been through quite a lot," Kasumi said as she scrubbed at a particularly stubborn glob. "I've never seen..." She ran her finger across a spot of blackened... something. "...a mess like this before, not even after Father accidentally put that little Corellian saber hamster in the northern vaporator."

"Oh dear," C-KN0 said quietly.

Kasumi finished scraping off the bits and moved on to cleaning out the little nooks and crannies. She took a large, wedge-shaped tool and tried to clean out the data slot in the front of R2-HT. "Oh dear, there's something jammed in here quite tight."

"Most likely one of his purloined pieces of lingerie," C-KN0 offered from behind her.

"No, nothing like that." Kasumi twisted and pushed, trying to work out whatever was jammed in the slot. "I wonder who could have done this. I don't think it's..."

The tool snapped off at the handle and wedged inside R2-HT as Kasumi fell back to her rump, dirtying her dress. She was about to proclaim her dismay when the hologram appeared.

A small blurry image of a young girl with red hair pulled into a braid appeared. There was an excited gasp from C-KN0 as he laid sensors on the hologram.

"The vibrant pig-tailed princess," he said reverently.

"Princess? She doesn't look like a princess. She's not very lady- like at all," Kasumi said as the message fragment started.

"...Obi Wan Kenobi, you're the only one who," the holographic princess said before apparently hitting something not in the hologram with her closed fist.

The fragment replayed itself as the three watched it, Kasumi with curiosity, C-KN0 with droid lust, and R2-HT with something no-one wanted to identify.

"Obi Wan Kenobi? Who might that be? And where did this message come from?" Kasumi asked.

"Most likely a stray purloined garter belt melted to his circuits. He seems to find them pleasurable, though I could never fathom the reason why."

"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" Kasumi calmly yanked the broken tool from the data slot, causing the hologram to disappear. "Now, to finish cleaning you up..."

Kasumi was setting the table as Soun quietly read his morning Anchorhead Times. More gangster activity, more smugglers and bounty hunters, more Tusken raiders scalping Galaxy Spice Droids tickets... And for those prices; raiders indeed.

Sitting down and politely clearing her throat, Kasumi set a plate in front of her father. "Father..."

Soun set his paper aside. "Yes, Kasumi?"

Kasumi looked a little unsure of herself. "Father, do you know... Obi Wan Kenobi?" A princess asking for Obi Wan Kenobi... she wasn't sure she should be getting involved in things. "I thought he might be some relation of Ben Kenobi, the next rocky chasm over."

"Obi Wan..." Soun said thoughtfully, then nodded. "Why yes. Obi Wan Kenobi is Old Ben's real name. I think he started using Ben when he started going to bars. The women seemed to like it more than Obi Wan. I couldn't imagine why..."

"Ah." Kasumi began eating slowly. Just maybe she'd have to take a detour before she went to the hot rod show.

"And where, might I ask, are we traversing to?" C-KN0 asked, shuffling across the rocky terrain behind Kasumi.

"We're going to find Obi Wan Kenobi. Now you must keep your voice down. I don't want to run into any sandpeople; they're fairly vicious, and get quite jealous of super-modified landspeeders. I just hope the chrome vent covers are safe while we're gone."

R2-HT beeped a little, trying to keep it down.

"No, I do not believe they wear anything pink or lacy," C-KN0 answered him.

"You have to..." Kasumi's words died in her throat as a shape loomed out of the darkness. "Oh my."

With a seal-like battle cry, the raider swung his bantha stick and smacked C-KN0 squarely in the chest, sending the droid flying. Fortunately, before it could do the same with the defenseless Kasumi, there was a flash of greenish-blue light and the raider yowled in pain before it fell to the ground, lifeless.

"Despicable creatures," a matronly voice was saying. "Are you all right, dear?"

Kasumi, feeling slightly shaken up, but physically healthy, nodded. "Yes, I just got a fright. I'm fine, and thank you for that."

"Think nothing of it. I've often had to deal with those beasts. It's not something I enjoy doing." Whoever the woman was, she was completely unphased by the killing and the body lying at her feet. "What are you doing out here, dear? It's quite dangerous at this time of night."

"I was looking for Ben Kenobi's residence. I have two droids that have a message for him," Kasumi replied with ultimate politeness. If not for the sand and the night sky and the dead body, they might have been having tea together.

"What a coincidence. I am too. Shall I escort you there?"

"That would be lovely. I'm Kasumi Tendo." She began walking alongside the woman with R2-HT behind them.

"I'm very pleased to meet you, and I think this wreck is your other droid." She kneeled down next to the mess that used to be C-KN0.

"I do hope Mr. Kenobi isn't too disappointed that this one is in such horrid condition."

"I don't think he'll mind, dear. Why don't we gather it up and be on our way."

At a cave that looked like any other cave, except for the door and lawn jockey, the group stopped. "This is his home," the woman said, and rapped sharply on the door.

Kasumi stood back respectfully, her hands crossed in front of her. She was out rather late, and this was taking much longer than she had hoped it would. It didn't even appear that she would make it to the show.

The woman pounded on the door a little harder this time. "Obi Wan Kenobi, you let me in this instant!" she yelled, catching Kasumi completely off-guard.

"Um, shouldn't you..." Kasumi began.

"Fine, have it your way!" She whipped out what appeared to be a flashlight, and it most definitely flashed light, but this light sliced through the wooden door like... like... something really sharp.

Removing what was left of the door with her foot, she immediately marched inside, Kasumi trailing. "Obi Wan Kenobi!" she yelled.

She was greeted by silence.

Kasumi stood just inside the devastated door and waited for the woman to stop... foaming at the mouth. She glanced at a small table next to the door and saw the envelope there. She picked it up and looked at it. There was a name on it. Nodoka.

"Excuse me, are you Nodoka?" Kasumi asked as the woman rushed by with her sword of light raised.

Nodoka almost screeched to a halt. "Yes, I'm Nodoka. How did you know?"

Kasumi held out the envelope. "This was on the table."

Nodoka took the envelope and opened it. Pulling out the piece of paper, she read quickly, the look on her face unchanging. "You old fool," she said quietly. "You can't defeat the Empire. And you most definitely can't skip out on my alimony payments with such a feeble excuse."

Nodoka looked up at Kasumi. "I think we need to have a little discussion about Obi Wan. He's my ex-husband."

After several minutes of conversation, Nodoka looked at R2-HT. "So you have a message for my worthless ex-husband? Why don't you show it to me. Half of what he owns is mine anyway."

R2 gave a droid nod and without any jammed tools, played the message with the princess.

"Yo, I'm Ranma Saotome and I got a couple messages for General Kenobi. Anyways, you were a big guy in the Clone Wars, and a Jedi Knight, and all that, so I figured you'd be able to help. I got these secret plans on Project J that are vital to the Rebellion, but there's this honkin' big Star Destroyer blowin' my ship to bits, so I'm not gonna be able to deliver em. I stashed em in this droid, so if ya could deliver em to my Pop, the King of Nerima Prime, you'd be doing us all a big favor. Sorry bout this, Obi Wan Kenobi, you're the only one who lives near here that I can trust."

The message ended there.

"That was interesting." Nodoka turned to look at Kasumi. "Kasumi, do you have some vacation time built up?"

Kasumi blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Well, since my worthless ex has once again skipped town on some damn-fool crusade, it's up to me to deliver this droid to the Alliance. And if I'm going to travel, I might as well have someone to talk to."

"But I can't go," Kasumi said, totally bewildered. "Father needs me here on the..."

Nodoka shook her head. "You're Soun Tendo's daughter, aren't you?"

Kasumi nodded. "Do you know father?"

"He and I go way back. We fought in the Clone Wars together."

"Clone Wars? But father told me that he was the navigator on a spice freighter!" Kasumi could practically feel the careful boundaries of her life breaking down. Nodoka Kenobi's words were bulldozers heading for the shoddy building of her day-to-day routine, and she had an unpleasant suspicion that lying down in front of them would just get her run over.

"He was, dear. But spice freighters get mistaken for troop transports when there's a war on, especially when they specialize in running blockades. Your father was a cunning pilot, a brave warrior, and a good friend."

She tried to picture her father as a cunning pilot or a brave warrior. No dice. "What, my father? Soun Tendo?"

Nodoka sighed. "I know. He wasn't always like that. He was a different man in the old days."

"What happened?" Kasumi had often wondered why her father was so... well... wishy-washy.

"He was in training to become a Jedi Knight," Nodoka said sadly. "He had incredible promise, too. Unfortunately, he challenged one of Obi Wan's pupils who was turning to the Dark Side of the Force, and got the crap beat out of him. The poor lad just wasn't ready, and it left his spirit shattered. We had hoped that your mother would help him recover, but then there was that freak nerf herding accident..."

"Oh my. The Force?"

"Yes. The Force is... well..." Nodoka frowned, and flicked her hand. To Kasumi's vast surprise, a fairly-clean cup on a low table floated over to the kitchen, rinsed itself out in the sink, and proceeded to be filled with wine from a newly airborne bottle. "Obi Wan always spouted a lot of philosophical gibberish about it holding the universe together, but I mostly find that it saves a lot of bother. Your father used to be quite good at it."

"Oh. Imagine that," said Kasumi weakly.

"You'd better learn it too, if you're coming to Nerima with me."

Somewhat feebly, Kasumi shook her head. "But father... I don't know how he'd manage..."

"Soun Tendo," Nodoka said sternly, "got me and four other people through the Hellswamps of Bogleg V with a broken collarbone, rabid Mogs stalking us day and night, and most of the food in the area poisonous, carnivorous, or both. Are you honestly trying to tell me he can't take care of himself in a well-stocked house? I think he's been pampered too much."

Kasumi tried and failed to picture Soun dealing with whatever a rabid Mog was. Still, the woman had a point. Maybe what her father really needed was to fend for himself a bit.

And besides....

She was bored. Her life was stretching out ahead of her, and it looked from here like living and dying on the familiar, grubby, boring old moisture farm.

Kasumi didn't crave excitement. But even she needed a change. A vacation, if nothing else.

And this Force thing... think of how nice it would be to let the dishes do themselves...

"Okay," she said finally, a giddy little thrill of excitement running through her. "I suppose it would be nice to see this... Nerima?"

Nodoka smiled. "That's the spirit! You'll make a fine Jedi, I know you will. Speaking of which..." Rummaging around in her brownish kimono, she handed a complex-looking metal cylinder to Kasumi. "Your father probably would be horrified to see you have this, but back in the old days he would have been all for it."

Curiously, Kasumi peered at it. "What does it do?"

"It was your father's lightdon't PUSH THAT!"

Kasumi yelped as a slightly curved beam of orange light leaped from the handle, neatly turning a sofa into two one-armed chairs.

"Your father's lightkatana. It cuts through things very well, you'll find. Light-blades are the traditional weapons of the Jedi; partly because of their utility, partly because of their precision, but mostly because they look really impressive."

Hastily, Kasumi switched off the beam. "Whatever _is_ a Jedi, Ms. Kenobi?"

Nodoka rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "From what I've seen, it's a person who makes sure the galaxy is kept tidy, happy, and harmonious."

Kasumi brightened. Substitute the word 'house' for 'galaxy', and that sounded a lot like what she did every day. "Are you one?"

"Opinions," Nodoka said evenly, "differ on that point." Turning crisply, she began to pace. "Now. Our first priority is to get the droids to Nerima. Do you know the way to Mos Eisley, Kasumi?"

"I can probably find it," said Kasumi, with the cheerful optimism of someone who enjoys driving far more than arriving.

"That's settled, then! We can find a transport there." Nodoka glanced around the tiny hut. "Where did your other, louder droid go?

"KN0? I had him guard the door." Actually, she had decided that if Ben Kenobi did turn out to be home, C-KN0 might grate on his nerves. He would grate on her nerves if she had any.

Seen from a distance, the Death Star didn't look very impressive. It looked, in fact, like a small moon.

Get closer, and you notice the fact that it's made of metal. Suddenly, it becomes very, very, very impressive indeed.

The Empire likes impressive.

Captain Kuonji reflected on this fact as she oversaw the close- orbit procedures for the Imperial Star Destroyer _Spatulator_, her new command. Any Star Destroyer assigned to ferrying around Darth Vader went through officers at a prodigious rate; it was only good luck that Commander Ukyou Kuonji was not only high enough on the ladder to become the new captain, but low enough to become the new captain at the very end of the cruise.

Currently, she and the other officers on the bridge were intently watching a certain shuttle prepare to depart the main hangar bay.

After entirely too long a wait, it did.

The bridge spontaneously erupted in a cheer, and Ukyou grabbed the communications officer and waltzed him around the command pit for a minute. Darth Vader had left the good ship _Spatulator_, and was now officially Someone Else's Problem.

Flopping into her command chair, she picked up the intercom. "*Attention all hands, this is the Captain. Lord Vader has departed the ship. We'll be refueling and picking up supplies, and then departing for the Galos system to investigate suspected Rebel activity. Any mail home should be handed to the postmaster in the next hour. That is all.*"

She gave a satisfied sigh and happily surveyed the bridge. The past few days had been a nightmare - but it had been well worth it. Her very own command - not a patrol cruiser or a supply hauler, but a sleek, massive Imperial Star Destroyer bristling with turbolasers. A girl could do some real damage with a ship like this.

Not that they'd ever give a girl command. Which was why she had carefully concealed the fact that she was female by binding her chest and deepening her voice. It was hard to look feminine in an Imperial uniform anyway.

It had involved a lot of sacrifices... renouncing her femininity, devoting every waking hour towards honing her command skills, learning how to use a men's urinal without embarrassing herself. But it was worth it. She wanted to do her part to crush the Rebellion and bring the galaxy firmly under the New Order. Her part, as she saw it, was the position of Grand Admiral.

She hadn't always been such a anti-Rebel stalwart. But that was before her engagement was broken by that damn royal bastard, who's lot was promptly thrown in with the Alliance. Ukyou had been humiliated, rejected, spurned. Once the New Order was in total control, that sort of thing wouldn't be allowed. She'd show them. She'd show them all.

The bridge doors opened, and Ukyou's heart nearly stopped as a deathly hush fell over the room. No, it couldn't be, he had left...

"Captain Kuonji, why isn't my shuttle ready?"

Oh. Him.

"Well, Lord Ono, I'm sure it's just waiting for you to board," she said politely. It always paid to be polite to Dark Jedi.

"I was told it would be waiting in Bay 5 to transfer me and my prisoner to the Death Star. Bay 5 is empty."

Ukyou quickly glanced at the bay readout display on the opposite wall. "There must be a mistake, Lord Ono. Your shuttle's in Bay 23."

"I was told Bay 5," the black-armored figure said petulantly. Ukyou valiantly managed to keep a straight face.

"There must have been an error. I'll find out who it was and have them shot."

"Thank you, Captain. Most thoughtful." There was a tone of pleasant surprise in the Sith Lord's voice. Usually, people didn't bother to do such a good imitation of respect.

"Would you like an escort to your ship, Lord Ono?"

"Hmm? No, thank you. Bay 23?"

"Yes, Lord."

"Right. Carry on, Captain."

As soon as the doors closed, Ukyou grabbed the comm unit. "Bay 23? Lord Ono's coming down. Get that ship ready for flight before he gets there."

"* Damnit, you could have given us a bit more warning... *"

"Don't talk back to your Captain."

"*Yessir.*"

Ukyou smirked, and gazed happily at the viewscreen. She had a new ship, a fairly decent crew, a purpose in life, and Rebel scum to crush under her heel. Life was good.

Kasumi slammed on the brakes as the speeder emerged from a canyon. "I think that's Mos Eisley, Ms. Kenobi."

Slowly, carefully, Nodoka forced her hands to let go of the arms of her seat. "Yes... yes, it is, dear. Kasumi?"

"Yes, Ms. Kenobi?"

"Just Nodoka, please. Was it really necessary to break the sound barrier in that narrow, twisty, long canyon.?"

Surprised, Kasumi blinked. "It did shave a few seconds off our time."

"It also shaved a millimeter of paint off the starboard side."

"Oh dear. I suppose I'll have to repaint that."

On the rear luggage rack, C-KN0's circuits recovered from the ride. "Zounds! Mine noble body was almost smashed to flinders!"

"Yes, but we're away from the sandpeople now," Kasumi told him soothingly. She stared at the city ahead. "What sort of place is Mos Eisley?"

"My husband always called it a wretched hive of scum and villany," Nodoka said.

"Oh dear," said Kasumi worriedly.

"That just means they stopped giving him credit in the bars." The older woman snorted, and patted Kasumi on the back. "It's a lot like any other spaceport; dirty, unsanitary, and amoral. Not a place you enjoy visiting, but perfectly suitable to get a ship in."

"But are any of the people in it dangerous?"

"Well, since I'm going in, there'll be at least one." Nodoka fingered the handle of her lightkatana and smiled grimly. "Back in the old days, I used to clean up places like this all the time. That was how I met Obi Wan, in fact."

"Oh," asked Kasumi. "He helped you bring order to the lawless cities?"

"No, he was usually drinking in one of them, and tried to stop me."

"Oh."

"I refuse to enter that vile sewer!" C-KN0 said from the rear, voice dripping with disgust. "It undoubtedly contains Jawas and even worse vermin!"

"Then we can leave you here and go deliver the message ourselves," said Nodoka sadly, winking at Kasumi. "And gain the honor and glory that comes with such a noble...."

"LEAD ON!" boomed the droid. "I shall complete the mission laid upon me by the pig-tailed princess!"

"Oh dear," Kasumi whispered, "Wouldn't it have been easier to leave him behind?"

"A good translator droid is worth a tidy sum," Nodoka returned, "And we're probably going to need an interpreter at least once on this trip. If nothing else, he'll probably make good blaster fodder." She glanced once more at the rather unattractive bulk of the spaceport. "Take us in, Kasumi. A bit slower, though, if you please."

They were only a few feet inside the city when the stormtroopers flagged them down.

"Good morning, officer!" said Kasumi brightly. "Can we help you?"

The patrol leader, who had recently had his brain merrily fiddled with by a somewhat careless Ben Kenobi, blinked at her behind his helmet. "These aren't the droids we're loo... um. I mean, I'm going to need to see some ownership papers on those two mechanicals, Miss."

"Oh dear," Kasumi said worriedly. "Whatever for?"

"He can go about his... that is, there's these two droids wanted by the Empire. An R2 unit, and a protocol droid. In fact, exactly like those two there. Got those papers?"

"Well, no..."

The patrol leader motioned, and four blaster rifles were raised to a ready position. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to place you under Imperial arrest. Put your hands over your heads and exit the vehicle."

"What? You dare detain us from delivering secret plans to the Rebellion on behalf of the beauteous Princess?" said C-KN0 incredulously.

Kasumi winced. R2-HT bleeped frantically at his counterpart. Nodoka shut her eyes, mumbled a few unladylike words, and concentrated for a second, then turned to face the lead trooper with a severe expression. "Young man, we're in a hurry. There's nothing for you to do here. Both of us are obviously respectable women, and these aren't the droids you're looking for."

"These aren't the droids we're..." The patrol leader stopped and shook his head to clear the mental fuzz. "Look, that protocol bot just admitted that he's affiliated with the Rebellion, and those things are to stupid to lie. You aren't fooling anyone."

"Stupid? STUPID!" screamed KN0. "Someone untie me so that I might smite this ill-bredzzzzz...." His voice faded into garbled static as R2-HT once again put his electric prod to good use.

Nodoka fixed the patrol leader with a nasty glare, and he winced. Despite the squad of troopers behind him, he was actually beginning to feel intimidated. And that odd headache wasn't getting any better; he had recently spent half an hour telling a rock to move along, for reasons which escaped him at the moment.

"Young man," Nodoka said dangerously, "you let us through right this minute. Or else."

Reluctantly, the patrol leader shook his head. "Sorry, but you're obviously the ones we're looking for. Now, get out of the speeder and put yourAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Kasumi stared in amazement as the troopers screamed in unison and fell to the ground clutching their heads. Then, being a sensible sort, she gunned the engine and burned repulsorlift into the bustle of the spaceport.

"What on earth did you do to them?" Kasumi asked as she drove, carefully missing a wide-eyed fruit merchant by a good two centimeters.

Nodoka smiled mysteriously. "The Force is a powerful ally, Kasumi."

The girl blinked, narrowly missing a band of screaming Jawas. "Oh my. Did you melt their minds? Overload their neural synapses? Show them horrible things?"

"No, I just tuned their helmet radios to the local Loud Music station and turned the volume up to maximum." Nodoka glanced around. "Turn left here, Kasumi... try not to hit the..! look out for that..! I think you can slow down just a bit, dear. We're going to need to hire a private ship; I'd hoped to simply buy tickets on a transport, but those stormtroopers are going to be looking for us as soon as their ears stop bleeding."

"Should we find a disreputable spacer bar, then?" asked Kasumi, who watched _The Adventures Of Lance Starkiller_ every Thursday night on the Holonet. Nodoka frowned.

"Only if you want a disreputable spacer. Really, dear, that's the sort of thing Obi Wan would do. We're going to a nice clean ice cream parlor."

"Starpilots hang out in ice cream parlors?" asked Kasumi weakly.

"The ones who like ice cream do," Nodoka replied. "They're usually the ones who don't drink, don't gamble, and don't have drug flashbacks while trying to make the calculations for a hyperspace jump."

The Mos Eisley Ice Cream Shoppe was perhaps the most reputable place in the spaceport. That being said, half the clientele would just as soon kill you as look at you.

It was, in fact, due only due to the universal Ice Cream Shoppish aura of niceness that the body count was on average only three a week. It was hard to have a proper brawl in a place with lace curtains and a faint lavender odor.

Jimbo the Destroyer, burner of Gephart III and terror of the spaceways, was in a corner booth blissfully chugging a double chocolate malted. He might have had the death penalty in twenty-three systems and the worse-than-death penalty in a dozen more, but the pirate chief did love a good ice cream. Especially the kind with the little candy sprinkles on top.

It was that sort of place.

Kasumi sat at the bar and daintily ate a dish of Ubervanilla Surprise, waiting for Nodoka to finish her inquires. She hoped that no- one else would have to get cut in half like that. Such a mess...

A multi-tentacled lifeform next to her made a few pick-up lines, which she fortunately didn't understand a word of. C-KN0 was outside, a decision on Nodoka's part which had probably prevented a riot. Kasumi smiled pleasantly at the amorous tentacle thing, and absently made smalltalk.

"Kasumi, dear? I think I might have found a ship."

She looked over to see Nodoka standing next to a large, furry humanoid with a yellow-and-black bandoleer draped across a chest reminiscent of a badly-made rug.

"This is Chawbaka. He's the first mate on a ship that's in our price range and has acceptable standards of hygiene."

The huge creature made a noise like a grizzly yodeling, and offered her a massive paw to shake. Kasumi automatically shook it. "Oh my. I'm Kasumi Tendo."

"Chawbaka's a Wookiee," Nodoka commented approvingly. "Very honorable beings, and generally skillful navigators. We should do well with him."

The Wookiee made an embarrassed noise, and ushered them over to a table occupied by a young woman and three empty sundae dishes. "Who've you got here, Chawbaka?"

Nodoka gave her a winning smile. "Nodoka Kenobi. Are you the captain's daughter?"

The young woman gave her a scowl that would have made a Rancor turn pale and run. "No. I'm the Captain. Akane Soro. Got a problem with that?"

The Wookiee made an ominous noise deep in his throat.

"Not at all," Nodoka lied smoothly. "We'd like to hire your ship."

Akane's face brightened. "Wow, really? You do?" She coughed, and assumed a nonchalant expression. "Of course you do."

Kasumi smiled somewhat dubiously. "It is a fast ship, right?" She had never traveled in space before, but she did have definite views on how fast moving vehicles should be. Namely, capable of severely bending any silly speed limits imposed by towns, systems, or natural law.

"A fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the _Impudent Hedgehog_?" Akane asked, doing a very credible imitation of disbelief.

"Not really," Kasumi replied politely. "I'm fairly sure I would have remembered a name like that."

Akane gamely rallied. "It's the ship that made the Frozboz Run!"

Kasumi waited for a few seconds for the young smuggler to continue, and then asked the obvious question. "In under...?"

Squirming, Akane chuckled weakly. "Well, see, there were these TIE fighters, and they were being real jerks, so we had to stop and blast them... and then the second fighter wing started shooting at us, so we had to spend time on them, and then the Interdictor Cruiser showed up..." She trailed off. "Well, it would have been real fast if the bakayarou Star Destroyer hadn't shot off the sensor dish."

"How much for passage to Nerima?" Nodoka cut in. "Just us, and two droids."

Akane shrugged. "Ten thousand should cover it. Up front."

"One thousand now, eleven when we get to Nerima," Nodoka countered.

"Good enough," Akane replied, looking vaguely surprised. "Meet you at docking bay 69 in a little over an hour, okay?"

Nodoka nodded. "Excellent. Come along, Kasumi."

As the two left, Akane grinned at her first mate. "Twelve thousand, C-Chan! Twelve! And I was expecting them to bargain down to five!"

Chawbaka growled a delighted agreement.

Akane glared at him. "And this time, _I_ set the coordinates for the hyperspace jump." She rolled her eyes. "'Wookiees are excellent astronavigators'. Yeah, right. This is just going to pay off the Hutt for delivering that highly-perishable shipment of Mutti fruit two months late due to _someone_ plotting a course to the opposite end of the galaxy we were supposed to go in."

The Wookiee whimpered pathetically, and Akane patted him kindly on the back. "I didn't mean it like that, C-Chan. Just let me handle the navigation, okay?"

"Going somewhele, Solo?"

Akane irritably looked up at the Rodian who had just sat down across for her. "Not really. What do you want?"

"The Hutt is vely unhappy, Solo." A blaster appeared in a green hand. "He wants his money."

"I've got it, I've got it," Akane said cheerfully, her hand slowly moving towards the horrendously overpowered blaster on the seat next to her. "Plus a little extra."

"Let's see it, then."

"I haven't got it _on_ me..." The blaster was almost in her grip.

"Too bad, Solo. If you'le vely lucky, Jabba will only take youl ship."

Akane snarled, hand closing around her gun. "Over my dead..." She blinked. "Jabba?"

"Yes," the Rodian snapped, "Jabba the Hutt."

"I owe Akri the Hutt. I've never done business with Jabba."

The alien blinked. "Alen't you Han Solo?"

Akane sighed and let go of the blaster. "No, I'm Akane Soro."

"But the soda guy said... you've got a Wookiee and evelything..."

"Baka."

"Rrrrow?"

"Not you, C-Chan." Akane glared that the bewildered hitman. "Look, 'Han' is a male name. Do I look male to you?"

"Hald to tell with humans..."

"And it's Soro, not Solo. So-RO."

Looking as sheepish as its possible for a anthropomorphic green giraffe to look, the Rodian stood. "Solly. I don't suppose you have any idea where...?"

"Try the Cantina. That pervert's usually in there when he stops by this miserable rock."

"Light. Thanks." The bounty hunter slunk off.

Shaking her head, Akane finished her last sundae. "C'mon, C-Chan. Let's prep the Hedgehog."

The two strode purposefully out of the Ice Cream Shoppe.

"No, Chawbaka, this way."

"Arrrrough?"

"THIS WAY. Pay attention."

"Urr-hurgh."

"No, your OTHER left."

"Urr."

Kasumi walked into Docking Bay 69 and stared.

There have been sleek, elegant ships. There have been blocky, solid, durable ships. There have been lean, pointed, menacing ships.

And then there are lovable, beat-up, ragtag freighters oozing with character.

The _Impudent Hedgehog_ wasn't any of these. It was a ship that had been built from the remains of two different craft, blown to bits, patched up with the remains of yet a third, and carrying spare parts from at least a dozen other vessels. Most of the spare parts looked like guns of some sort.

Kasumi was far too polite a person to say things like "What a piece of junk!", "That thing actually flies? No, really?", or "I'm not going anywhere near that deathtrap."

"Oh dear," she faintly commented.

C-KN0, who had no such politeness, said all three in rapid succession before Kasumi hit the restraining bolt.

"It may not look like much," Akane began, somewhat inaccurately from Kasumi's point of view. It looked like three dozen ships too much. "But it... er... well, it flies, okay?" Stepping out from behind a landing strut, the smuggler motioned to a combination boarding ramp/SU- 23 Gatling Plasma Ejector. "Right this way, watch your feet, don't step on the arming mechanisms."

Nodoka nodded. "Right. Come on, dear."

And that's when the platoon of slightly deaf and very angry stormtroopers showed up.

"Blast them!" roared the platoon leader.

"Come again?"

"Blast them!"

"Er, could you speak up, Sir? My hearing's still a bit off."

Akane, who had excellent hearing, began to shoot them.

"Oh dear," mumbled Kasumi, and ran like hell up the ramp. Nodoka and the droids followed, with Akane crouching on the closing ramp and firing wildly until it shut.

"C-Chan, get us out of here!"

There was the -plink- of blaster fire bouncing off the closed hull. Akane snarled, and raced for the cockpit.

"They shot at my ship! C-Chan, use the antipersonnel blasters we put in last week."

"What should we do?" asked Kasumi, taking a seat on a rather battered ammunition drum.

"Just strap yourself in while we take off," Akane called back, cheerfully pushing buttons.

Nodoka smiled reassuringly at her new student. "You might want to hold onto that strap, dear."

The platoon leader knew that there wasn't much point in firing hand blasters at a spaceship, but he did it anyway. The thing didn't look terribly sturdy, and it would look pretty stupid if he just stood there and did nothing.

He started to worry when the little nozzles popped out of fifteen places on the hull.

The worry turned to panic when superheated engine plasma boiled out of them. But not for very long.

The inhabitants of Mos Eisley looked up in mild interest as a spacecraft gracefully rocketed out of a landing pit, leaving the echoes of blasterfire behind.

A minute later, they hit the dirt as a landing bay on the other side of town exploded in a superheated fireball, out of which drunkenly rose the _Impudent Hedgehog_.

Inside, Akane Soro gripped the controls, smiled like a madwoman, and zoomed out of the ionosphere at full throttle.

The smile wavered slightly as she noticed the two Imperial-Class Star Destroyers heading straight for her.

"C-Chan, start making the calculations for the jump to hyperspace." This was going to be tricky... but she could do it! She knew she could do it! She was just as good a pilot as anyone!

Angling sharply, she brought the Hedgehog in fast, zooming straight between the two huge warships, the forward guns spitting laserfire. Hopefully, they'd limit their fire for fear of hitting their sister ship.

The Hedgehog streaked safely through the gap, and Akane opened her mouth to give a yell of triumph. Then she realized something.

They hadn't shot at her.

Blinking, she checked the rear scanner. They weren't even giving chase. No, they were chasing some old Corellian freighter, instead.

Frowning, Akane whipped the Hedgehog around and fired a quick burst at the control tower of the closer Star Destroyer.

Nothing. Not even a single return burst of turbolaser fire. They were ignoring her.

Akane growled. Chawbaka, who knew that growl, whimpered and hastily began to route power to the deflectors and navicomputer.

Admiral Gaffnie paced the bridge of the Star Destroyer _Vigilant_, glaring at the Corellian just outside of turbolaser range. "Faster, Captain. They're getting away."

The Captain opened his mouth to say something, when the bridge shuddered.

"What was that?" asked the Admiral sharply. The Captain shrugged.

"There's a small smuggler craft strafing the bridge, sir. Should we return fire?"

Gaffnie blinked. "Small?"

"Slightly larger than a starfighter, sir."

"Does it pose a threat?"

The Captain chuckled nervously. "Against our deflectors? One freighter? Hardly."

Shaking his head, the Admiral made a dismissing gesture. "Ignore it. We're after that Corellian."

"AAAAARGH! Star Destroyer no BAKA!"

"Rrrought?"

"Not you."

"Urrgh."

Akane grit her teeth and swung around for another pass. This time, the gloves came off.

"Is something wrong?" asked Kasumi, walking into the cockpit. She had heard a great deal of weapon fire and swearing, two things that probably didn't bode well.

"Two Imperial Star Destroyers," Akane snapped tersely. "And another two coming in from far orbit. They won't shoot at us."

"Oh," Kasumi said, relieved. "That's good."

"I hate it when they hold back!"

Kasumi looked out the cockpit window. She wasn't as experienced in spaceflight as she was in skyhoppers and landspeeders, but she could recognize an attack run when she saw one. And she could recognize a Star Destroyer, too.

"Ah... Akane? Captain Soro? That's... oh dear, are you going to... oh my. Nodoka? Ms. Kenobi?"

Muttering, the matronly Jedi unstrapped herself and walked into the cockpit. "Now Kasumi, don't bother Captain SorOh my God...."

The Impudent Hedgehog zoomed straight for the bulk of the massive Imperial warship.

Admiral Gaffnie dropped his cup of tea as he watched the tiny ship zoom straight for the bridge. No-one could possibly be stupid enough to attack a Star Destroyer at close range. Even most rocks were smarter than that.

He opened his mouth to give the order to fire, then remembered the importance of the Corellian freighter. If their partner was willing to make a suicide run in order to distract the fleet, then it had to be pretty important.

Besides, even at point blank range, a ship that size couldn't possible do any damage. It'd need a Ion-Thermite bomb just to get through the bridge deflectors.

"BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!" yelled Akane, holding down the tiny red button labeled "All the guns".

"Pull up, you little idiot!" Nodoka screamed. Akane continued her run. Ignore her, would they?

When she was almost on top of the bridge tower, she thumbed the big red button. The one labeled "Ion-Thermite bomb".

Admiral Gaffnie stared in disbelief at the deflector indicators. How many guns did that junkheap have, anyway? Three X-Wings wouldn't have been able to cause so much damage...

He had just enough time to see the bomb appear on the tactical scopes before it hit.

The Admiral was thrown to the deck, the bridge exploding around him. Gingerly, he struggled to a sitting position, assured himself that the hull was still (if barely) intact, and smiled grimly. Even a Ion- Thermite bomb couldn't take out the bridge of a Star Destroyer in one shot.

Then Akane dropped the second one.

"What's that flashing?"

"We're losing our deflector shield! Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to light speed!"

Odd, Han thought, a second before he made the jump. It almost looked as if the bridge tower of the trailing Star Destroyer was on fire.

Nah.

"HAHAHA! Take that!"

Akane and Chawbaka exchanged high-fives as the tower of the _Vigilant_ exploded.

"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Nodoka screamed.

"Relax, lady," Akane said soothingly. "The idiots are concentrating on that... uh-oh..."

The Corellian gone, all three remaining Star Destroyers were heading directly for the _Impudent Hedgehog_.

"C-Chan, get us out of here! Now!"

The Wookiee glanced out the viewport, yelped, and redoubled his efforts at the navicomputer. Turbolaser fire from the incoming ships sizzled past, occasionally grazing the Hedgehog's deflectors shields.

"Grab your cooking utensils and hold on," Akane warned. No doubt these two women had never been on a REAL ship before, traveling at light speed. The shock alone might kill them. Couple of housewives out for a very expensive joyride... Sheesh.

Plopping back down in her own seat and buckling herself in, Akane glanced over quickly at Chawbaka and, without waiting for his consent, sent the ship into hyperdrive.

It was a familiar, yet strange sensation that Akane never quite got used to. She was forced back in her chair a little as the jump started, keeping her hand poised to drop them out after the short time required for the jump.

She smiled secretively to herself, figuring the two women were probably ready to run to the head from the experience.

"Excuse me, Captain Soro?"

Akane almost jumped out of her boots at the sound of Kasumi's voice. She turned to see the young woman standing behind her with a plate of cookies, smiling.

"Would you like a cookie? They're homemade."

Akane simply stared then shook her head. "No thanks. You should probably sit back down. We're about to drop out of hyperspace."

"Of course. You're the captain, after all." Kasumi giggled in the most inane way.

Before she could leave, Chawbaka reached out and grabbed a handful of the cookies, earning him a nasty glare from Akane. He shrugged and stuffed a few in his mouth, growling a full-mouthed thank you.

"You're most welcome," Kasumi answered, smiling, then returned to the pile of junk she had been sitting on. "What a polite young Wookiee," she said to Nodoka.

"A most unusual sight, but not unheard of." She leaned over so she could whisper to Kasumi. "Have you noticed the way it looks at Captain Soro?"

Kasumi nodded.

"Young love, even between species, will often tame the wildest of beasts." It had almost worked with Obi Wan... Kasumi nodded, though she didn't really understand what Nodoka was getting at. Sitting quietly as the ship shuddered around her, Kasumi looked down at the cookies and pondered the entire journey.

All because those Jawas had given her the two droids and that silly hologram and Obi Wan Kenobi... Then it suddenly hit her. Young love. Between species.

"Oh my," she said quietly. That was most improper. And Captain Soro seemed to be such a nice, if fairly irreverent, girl. She shouldn't be...

"Dear, why are your cheeks so red? Are you sitting too close to the heating ducts?" Nodoka asked.

Kasumi shook her head, blushing furiously. Wookiees were so... furry!

Nodoka put her hand on Kasumi's forehead. "Are you sure you're not ill, dear? Your face is..."

"No, no. Really, I'm fine. Um, would you like a cookie?" she offered, trying to turn the subject away from anything pink.

On the other side of the compartment, where R2-HT was wedged against the wall by what looked to be the cooling mechanism from a shield generator, the small droid bleeped.

Nodoka looked over at it and smiled. "You certainly are a friendly droid. When did you get programmed with protocol?"

C-KN0, gray-taped up next to R2, snorted. "I think you have the wrong droid, fair madam. He was not referring to the blush of her cheeks, but the color of her..."

*Zot!*

Kasumi put away the control for the restraining bolt, unused since R2 had taken care of things. "Thank you, R2."

Nodoka, shaking her head slowly, looked away from the droids. Kasumi was a nice enough young lady, but those droids... She wasn't sure what to make of them yet. The little one seemed nice, but there was an underlying, almost infernal, glow about it's sensor that gave her the creeps... er, made her Jedi abilities wary.

"Dropping out of hyperspace now," Akane warned them. And drop out they did. It felt like all their internal organs were trying to exit through their pores, and there was a severe lurching sensation.

Recovering slowly, Kasumi had to ask, "Dropping out of hyperspace is quite jarring, isn't it?"

Akane's voice sounded embarrassed. "Well, no. That was the engine doing a little... space backfire. Chawbaka was supposed to take care of that last week." She shot the Wookiee another glare and unbuckled herself from her seat.

She turned to look at the two women. "We're out. It's safe to walk around now; we should be coming up on Nerima Prime momentarily."

Nodoka and Kasumi untied themselves, as there were no real belts for passengers and they were restrained by thick coils of spare wires. At least, they hoped they were spare wires.

Kasumi had just begun to free R2-HT when the ship shook around them, sending a shower of bolts, nuts, bits of wire, rust and some unidentified liquid down on top of them.

"Damn it, C-Chan! I thought I told you to take care of that!" Akane yelled. "I don't want another fire sweeping through the ship again!"

Kasumi and Nodoka exchanged fearful glances, with R2 making a fearful whistle.

"I beg of you, release me from these bindings!" C-KN0 asked, struggling against the tape, covered with bits of debris. "How ignoble for myself to be consumed by fire, covered in filth aboard an unsafe death trap!"

Akane ignored the commotion from behind her and was running through the series of emergency switches. "C-Chan, why aren't any of the damage control units working? I don't want to have to rely on the backup systems."

Chawbaka made a plaintive growl as he hit his own panel of switches, all flashing red at the moment. He slammed his fist down on the panel and was rewarded with a gout of sparks and the red lights going out. At least they were out.

"Not again! I told you to stop doing that!" Akane yelled as sparks shot all over the place. "Great! Now what are we..."

Her voice was cut off as the ship shook again, almost throwing her from her seat. "What IS that?"

"Could it be from those large hunks of interstellar rubble flying at us?" Nodoka asked, peering between the seats out the large viewing window.

Akane looked back at her, then out the window as well. Sure enough, there were asteroids flying right at them. The fact that they had only been hit by a few of them was miraculous. But that miracle was lost on a suddenly serious Captain Akane Soro.

"Get back there and settle in why we get out of this mess," she commanded and re-buckled herself in. "I'll handle this myself," Akane said, her eyes taking on an almost maniacal glint.

Nodoka briefly considered knocking the young captain out and letting the more level-headed Wookiee take care of things, but things hadn't gotten too desperate. Yet.

Returning to the back and reclaiming her seat, she warned Kasumi, "It's probably best that you return to your seat, Kasumi. We seem to be in a spot of trouble."

"Oh dear!"

Spinning and weaving and turning on a dime (even in space), and generally making everyone on board ill, Akane maneuvered them out of the mysterious asteroid belt without further incident.

Smiling smugly, she wiped her forehead on the back of her arm and released the safety harness. "We're out. It's safe again."

Nodoka, slowly regaining her equilibrium, muttered, "I doubt that."

When the two passengers joined Akane and Chawbaka at the front, they were all looking out at the asteroids they had just escaped. Chawbaka was shaking his head, trying not to look guilty, while Akane appeared thoughtful.

"What's happened to Nerima Prime?" Kasumi asked.

"That's a pretty good question. Maybe..." Looking at the asteroids, the most horrible thought came to her mind. "Oh no. The Empire probably had something to do with this," she said through clenched teeth.

"Whatever are you speaking of?" Nodoka asked, her feeling to put the captain down getting stronger.

Chawbaka growled and looked at the destroyed panel, no longer emitting sparks. He really didn't want to call attention to him.

"The Empire... What if these asteroids ARE Nerima Prime? What if the Empire has some huge new super-weapon that's able to destroy entire planets? What if they came here before we did and destroyed it, killing everyone?"

Nodoka and Kasumi both looked at her, horrified. Then Nodoka's expression changed and she couldn't hide the smile that started to appear.

Kasumi, for her part, was a bit more reserved and resisted the temptation, but when Nodoka started to snicker, she couldn't help herself.

Suddenly, both women broke into laughter, making Akane scowl at them.

"What's so funny?" she asked, obviously perturbed at their reaction.

"My dear, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and being married to Obi Wan Kenobi, I've heard some pretty ridiculous things." She wiped the tears from her face and continued to snicker. "Super-weapon... You really know how to lighten a dreadful journey up," she praised.

Akane's eye twitched, and her hands clenched into fists. "Dreadful? Is that some sort of..."

She was cut off again as Nodoka's laughter started again, Kasumi still giggling. Even Chawbaka started it, despite trying very hard not to.

Akane glared at the women, then over at Chawbaka. "This is all your fault!" she yelled, then punched the hapless Wookiee.

Chawbaka's head rocked to the side and crashed into another panel, caving it in. That served to make Akane more upset. "Ooh. Why do I even BOTHER?" She stormed from the cockpit area to go smash something.

It was clearly audible from where the rest of the flesh and blood beings were.

"Such beauty and grace, even whilst covered in the clothing of a common spaceport beggar. Your boyish beauty rivals that even of the pig-tailed princess. I must translate for thee!"

"WHAT did you just call ME? Boyish beauty?"

"Why yes. Your clothing hides your feminine charms, and the filth you insist on covering yourself is unbecoming of a true lady..."

There was the sound of something breaking. Then again. And again.

The laughter quickly died after that. No one wanted to face the awful wrath of Captain Soro.

A few minutes later, after apparently everything had calmed down, Akane reappeared. She had bits of wire stuck in her hair and a faint gold smudge on her right hand. She didn't look very happy, but she didn't look ready to kill anyone either.

"All right. Where does navigation say we are?" she asked briskly.

Chawbaka looked at a non-broken panel then rattled off something only a Wookiee or an elephant with a stuffed nose would understand.

Sighing, Akane closed her eyes. "Chawbaka. Never again. Do you understand?"

Kasumi looked at the almost embarrassed look on the Wookiee's face, then at Akane's rather resigned face. "What's happened? Where's Nerima Prime gone?"

"Nowhere apparently."

"Nowhere? Well it's not here," Nodoka said. She could feel the start of a headache coming on.

"Right. Nerima is right where it should be. It's just that... we're not at Nerima Prime."

Nodoka closed her eyes and opened them several times, trying to wake up from the awful dream she was having. "Not there? Then where?" Oh yes. Any minute now, she would wake up back home in bed and laugh at such a stupid dream. She almost wanted to laugh right there.

"Far as I can tell, no thanks to Chaw*baka* here, we're at the Alderaan system, and this is what's left of it." Akane scowled again for effect.

"That's not right," Kasumi said in the perfect manner to send Akane over the edge again.

"I KNOW it's not right. But it's too late for that, and now furball has destroyed half the navigation system!"

Yes, Nodoka would wake up just about now. Wake up, Nodoka. Wake up.

"Does this mean we won't be going to Nerima?" Kasumi asked, wondering how she was supposed to cook bantha patties with scrub salad on a broken down junkpile of a ship. Politeness dictated that she not say that, though.

Akane shoved Chawbaka aside and looked at the damaged instrumentation. "It looks repairable. We'll just have to set down to do the work. It shouldn't take more than a few hours." Well, that was one pleasant surprise. Things weren't as bad as they seemed. That almost never happened.

Nodoka sighed. A few hours wasn't so bad really. Kasumi was nice enough company to chat with. She hadn't been out in ages, so it was also a nice chance to get away for some extra time.

"We'll just set down... Look." Akane pointed at something in the distance of space. "We'll just set down on that small moon."

Waving the women away and taking her seat, Akane immediately planned her route to the moon. It seemed rather large for the typical moon in the system, but then, that could also mean it was populated and someone might have some spare parts there. As long as there weren't any of those stinking Jawas. There were only good for one thing: target practice.

As the ship limped on toward the moon, Akane started to feel the call of nature that dropping out of hyperspace always caused her. "I'll be right back. And keep us on course!"

Chawbaka grunted in the affirmative as Akane got up and left. He heard from the back, "Do my sensors deceive me? Could the fierce and..."

There was another breaking sound and the voice stopped.

Sometimes, Akane wondered what she had gotten herself into. The life of a smuggler wasn't easy and quite dangerous. She was wanted by several crime lords for debts she had accrued to build and maintain the _Impudent Hedgehog_.

Not to mention her old partner had broken her trust and skipped out to greener pastures when the pressure had gotten to be too much. She always wondered what had happened to her wily companion, but in the circles they had run, it was never wise to ask such things.

Now this whole business with the Empire and the Rebellion... She hadn't wanted to get involved, but the money had been right. A simple drop-off run and she would be able to afford those power converters that would make the engines run ten times more efficiently and provide a hefty speed boost. The _Hedgehog_ would be able to outrun any of the Imperial fighters, even the developmental ones, with that. And she'd probably be able to blow a hole in a planet with the extra power to the guns.

And now this had happened. She should have been watching more closely. She shouldn't have allowed Chawbaka to set the coordinates. He was a nice enough Wookiee, but he was a really crappie navigator.

Sighing, Akane Soro had to wonder why her life had been so rough. Never such deep and ponderous thoughts were made in a bathroom before.

Walking slowly back through the ship, Akane simply could not believe her misfortune. And yet, the only thing she could think to say was, "When it rains, it pours."

"So, Akane Soro has returned to bask in my presence! Bask in the glow from my..."

Akane's fist was quickly planted firmly in the face of C-KN0, denting the shiny metal. "Shut up, you freaky droid!" The concept was nearly horrific. She had heard the obscene stories about Jawas and droids, but that had been an old story at the ice cream shoppes for ages. That was just a suburban myth... Or so she thought.

"Ah, your gentle caresses are of the warm wind from the..."

Akane did it again, trying to find the off switch by going through the droid's head with her fist. The second punch seemed to help a little as the lights that highlighted the droid's eyes dimmed some and the crazy babbling stopped.

Shaking her head, she had more important things to deal with than one sex-crazed Rebel droid. Or two. "Give that back!" she yelled as R2- HT rolled away with a more... personal article of her clothing. "You little piece of slag!" She growled in frustration at things. This was definitely raising the price of her services when they made it to Nerima.

She passed by the area she liked to call the lounge (which was simply where Chawbaka liked to practice some weird Wookiee hand/foot thingy) and saw Nodoka and Kasumi doing something... very odd.

She stopped in the doorway and watched with a bemused expression on her face. The two housewives were quite the interesting pair.

"Watch carefully, Kasumi. Leave your senses open and watch," Nodoka said as she concentrated. The metal rod resting on the floor shivered a little, then floated into an upright position. It began moving back and forth slowly in a sweeping motion.

Nodoka squinted and raised her left hand. A large tangle of wires rose into the air to about chest height. Once there it began to move back and forth briskly over the masses of spare parts scattered about, like it was dusting them.

Closing her eyes fully, almost grimacing with the effort, Nodoka began to move all the little nuts and bolts on the floor over to a small bin that had been overturned.

It righted itself and moved through the air, the spare parts dropping into it with a clunk. Finally, when there was nothing else, the bin slowly settled to the floor, and the wire tangle and metal rod followed.

Nodoka sat down slowly. She opened her eyes and inhaled deeply. "That takes a lot out of a person," she said shakily.

"That was quite impressive. How did you..."

In Nodoka's hand was a small book. She thrust it at Kasumi and waited for the younger girl to take it. "Go on. You have the potential to be a Jedi, Kasumi. You must follow through on it."

Shaking her head, Kasumi said, "I couldn't possibly!"

"You must. I can see it in you, Kasumi. You're destined for higher things."

Kasumi took the small book slowly, not sure if she should actually keep it. Things were moving too fast for her. She looked at the cover, then at Nodoka. "Using the Force for Better Housekeeping?" She looked questioningly at Nodoka.

Nodoka nodded. "A very select group."

Akane snorted and shook her head. Housekeeping. Jeeze, what a joke. And the Force... an even BIGGER joke.

"You don't believe in the power of a Jedi?" Nodoka asked, looking at her.

"That's just an old legend. Jedi and the Force were invented to put little kids to sleep. It used to work with me." Yeah. Used to, until she had to leave home. Leave home, and go on the run almost from the first day.

"Is there a problem, dear?" Nodoka asked, recovering from her exertion of power.

Sighing deeply, Akane shook her head. "No. It's nothing you need to worry about. I've been dealing with it since I left home, and I'll keep dealing with it."

Nodoka and Kasumi looked at her sympathetically, and suddenly, Akane couldn't help herself. She sat roughly on the floor, wanting to just pour her guts out to the two women. Somehow, she managed to blubber out her entire life story and kept it short and sweet.

"I've got multiple bounties on my head, a broken down ship, I'm running from the Empire, I'm mixed up with the Rebellion now, and I have a Wookiee with a bad sense of direction as my navi... Oh NO!"

Akane stood up suddenly and rushed back to the cockpit. The gentle rumbling that she had dismissed earlier had actually been the ship landing. She closed her eyes and opened them again.

"Chawbaka. Small moon I said. Make repairs on the small moon. That's what I said, right?" Akane asked calmly.

Chawbaka gave a plaintive growl. He did not like the tone in Akane's voice at all.

"Right. I DID say small moon. So we were supposed to land on a small moon." Akane looked outside the ship again. "So could you explain what we're DOING ON A GIANT SHIP?" Akane's face took on an alarming shade of red.

Chawbaka could only cringe away.

"Chawbaka no baka!"

Akane's tirade was quickly cut off as several Imperial troopers appeared in front of the ship, looking at it curiously. "Oh no. We'll be shipped off to a mining colony if we're caught. Quick!" Akane went to stab the 'All the guns' button, but it didn't respond. They were beyond dead meat.

"Come on, C-Chan. We've got to defend the Hedgehog to the very end."

Chawbaka wasn't so sure about that. It wasn't exactly a great ship or anything, but he was loyal to Akane, and even if she wanted to do something suicidally dangerous, he would help.

"First, lock down the plasma ejector. Don't want them getting in here, then figure out what's wrong with the guns. We'll toast their butts and laugh while we do it!"

Rolling his eyes, Chawbaka nodded and continued to follow her as they made their way to their makeshift ramp.

When they arrived at it, they were both stunned to see...

"Would you like to join us in some tea?" Kasumi asked them. There were several officers and troopers there already sipping tea and eating cookies.

Akane's jaw dropped in disbelief. She wanted to scream at the brutal unfairness of everything.

Chawbaka naturally took a seat next to Nodoka and began daintily sipping tea with the rest of them.

"Thank you for the hospitality, ma'am," one high-ranking officer said. "Naturally we understand the problem of making repairs in deep space. You're welcome to stay as long as necessary."

Nodoka and Kasumi both smiled, sending warm and fuzzy feelings throughout the ship. Akane nearly gagged.

"That's very kind of you, young man. Do you think you could see it possible that our ship is repaired by a competent mechanic?" Nodoka asked.

"That's no problem, ma'am. We have the best starship mechanics in the system aboard. And if you're interested, I'm sure we could arrange for you and your sister to go on a guided tour of the station."

Nodoka laughed politely. "She is not my sister, as you very well know, and the flattery won't get you very far."

The look on Akane's face was simply... priceless.

The Galactic Empire was oppressive, evil, tyrannical, and bloody huge.

It had been built on the foundation of the Old Republic, and pretty much _was_ the Old Republic with cooler uniforms and less tolerance. Rather than throw everything out the window, the new rulers of the galaxy simply changed the existing order to suit them.

Since, as has been mentioned, the Empire was bloody huge, a few anachronistic remains of the Old Republic still persisted as part of the Imperial system, simply because no-one had bothered to delete them.

When the Death Star was in the final stages of construction and crew selection was in progress, Navy Regulation 23.b-DeltaCainCharlie5 (subsection 2.3) was one of those flagged by the Staffing Computer. It had been passed by the Admiralty during the days when "Public Relations" didn't mean leveling population centers from orbit, and stated:

All orbital or deep space platforms of sizes at or above

Type-BB will be required to have on duty at least One(1)

officer of a rank no lower than Lt. Commander, with a

advanced degree in Public Relations from a major

University. This officer shall hold the position of

Civilian Tour Liaison, and shall not be assigned other

duties barring a State of Emergency as described in

Reg46.c, Sections Alpha through Theta.

Since there were very few stations of Type-BB or higher, and since it was clearly such an asinine regulation that everyone would ignore it, no-one ever got around to getting rid of it.

Since the drones who made up the Imperial Personnel Department would follow regulations that told them to shoot themselves in the head without bothering to question it, the Death Star was dutifully assigned a Civilian Tour Liaison. Since the Empire had a distinct shortage of high-ranking officers with public-relations degrees, they picked the one officer in the fleet who did, an Ensign Sanzenin, and immediately promoted him to the rank of Lt. Commander.

This was rather fortunate for Ex-Ensign Sanzenin, especially since he had been scheduled to be executed for getting caught in an awkward situation with the wife of a Vice Admiral.

He was quite happy with his job on the Death Star. Nothing beat being a tour guide on a top-secret battlestation for low workloads and plentiful free time. And he was drawing a Lt. Commander's pay and quarters assignment, too.

When he got bored, he used his considerable design skills to make little brochures and coloring books. It was his wistful dream that one day a shuttle filled with beautiful women would land, and he would be asked to give them a private tour.

Currently, his dream was coming true. Sort of. His daydreams hadn't included the huge, unchained Wookiee, or the two annoying droids.

"And, if you'll look to your right, you'll see one of the Death Star's docking bays, similar to the one you entered through. At the moment, this bay contains a pirate freighter belonging to enemies of the New Order."

From the rear of the cheery little tour tram, Akane eyed the mentioned ship with narrowed eyes. "Doesn't that look a lot like the Corellian freighter that we saw off Tatooine?"

Chawbaka growled an agreement, and resumed coloring the TIE Fighter cutaway drawing in his Death Star Fun Book.

"The Death Star contains over a hundred of these bays," Commander Sanzenin recited cheerfully, "And three larger ones used for servicing capital warships of the Empire. Each requires over four dozen flight controllers, mechanics, ground crew, and menial laborers."

"How nice," Kasumi murmured politely, moving his hand gently but firmly off her leg. She had met this type before, and found that the attention was rather flattering up to a point. Beyond that point, a few near-misses with the landspeeder was usually all that was necessary to get the message across.

Undismayed, the commander steered the cart down a narrow hallway. "Through the glassteel wall to your left, you can see the one of the outer blast tunnels of the Death Star's planet-destroying superlaser. Built under the supervision of noted designer Bevel Lemelisk, the Death Star Superlaser is the largest energy weapon ever constructed, and has vaporized noted stellar bodies like Test Asteroid X-6923, Planetoid P- 42D, and Alderaan. Future targets are being selected as we speak, funded by you, the Imperial Citizen."

"Vaporized Alderaan?" Nodoka asked weakly.

Sanzenin nodded cheerfully. "Page 123 of your tour guide has photos."

The sound of four guidebooks being flipped through was heard, followed by a horrified silence.

"Right, haha, destroying an entire planet, what a joke, isn't Captain Soro such a comedian? I TOLD you, C-Chan, but did anyone listen? Nooo..."

"Oh dear," Kasumi said quietly. Being vaporized probably wasn't very nice for the people on the planet, and it had made an awful mess... that sort of thing shouldn't be allowed.

Nodoka just shook her head sadly.

"And now, if you'll look to your right, you can see the Loyalty Fervor Inspiration Board, where photos of Rebel Traitors scheduled for execution are displayed for the edification and amusement of station personnel."

They looked. There were quite a lot of them.

"Why is an image of the most glorious pig-tailed princess displayed on a common board with filthy criminals?" demanded C-KN0 from his spot towards the rear. "She should have her own frame, hung in a place of honor."

Startled, Nodoka and Kasumi examined the board more closely as the tour cart rolled by. Sure enough, a picture of the redheaded girl was stuck prominently near the center, sticking her tongue out at the camera.

Commander Sanzenin shrugged eloquently. "Everyone on there is scheduled for execution for crimes against the Empire. Did you know that the Death Star has over 30 execution chambers, each with over fifteen methods of termination? Page 99 in your Death Star Fun Book(TM) has a diagram and crossword activity."

"Thou wouldst harm the sacred person of the fire-haired princess?" roared C-KN0, pulling out a wooden stick. "I, the Golden Translator of Furiiiiiii*blip*"

Akane gave a satisfied grunt and removed her hand from KN0's 'off' switch, mentally memorizing the location. She wished the designer had situated it somewhere other than the lower torso.

"Ms. Kenobi? I think they're going to execute that poor girl," Kasumi said worriedly. Execution was bad for growing young ladies.

"I know, dear," Nodoka sighed. "I suppose we'll have to do something about it. If for no other reason, to find out exactly what these plans are and where to take them."

"Hold on," Akane said, scowling fiercely. "After landing on an Imperial battlestation capable of destroying entire planets, we find ourselves home free through a vast stroke of luck. And you want us to break someone out of a execution detention area in the largest Imperial military installation in history?"

"Second largest," Sanzenin added helpfully. "The Coruscant Military Center is slightly larger, but is divided up between several ground and orbital structures. There's a comparison chart on the inside back cover."

"The poor girl _is_ going to be executed," Nodoka calmly reminded. "It is our duty as Jedi and fellow sentient beings to lend aid."

"I'm not a Jedi, and I hate sentient beings," Akane replied hotly. "They tend to be real jerks. Let's just take the tour, wait for the Hedgehog to be repaired, and get the hell out of here."

Kasumi clucked her tongue reprovingly. "Now, Captain Soro, really! Think how scared the poor girl must be! All alone in a cold, hard cell..."

"Actually, all the cells in the Death Star are heated," chimed in Sanzenin.

Akane maintained her firm expression, but her eyes softened a bit. "Well, yeah, but..."

"And the food," Kasumi continued, "I'm sure it's not very nice. And the atmosphere surely isn't the proper sort for a young girl, far away from home, with no-one to turn to..."

Akane sniffled a little. The Commander passed her back a Death Star Souvenir Hankie, which she blew into loudly.

"And one hears such stories about the guards in these sort of places, taking advantage of a poor sweet defenseless girl, with nothing to protect her honor..."

"Okay," Akane said, wiping her eyes, "we'll rescue the poor little thing."

"That's very good of you," Kasumi said happily. Nodoka had told her that you could use the Force to influence the weak-minded, but in her experience you could do that simply by being nice. Besides, whatever else Captain Soro was, weak-minded probably wasn't among them.

"Rroughroow," commented Chawbaka.

"He wants to know how we're going to get into the detention level," Akane translated, frowning. "Good question. I think we need a plan."

"Well...." Nodoka began.

"Okay," Akane interrupted, "How about this. We find a group of three stormtroopers, jump them, and take their armor and blasters. Then we put fake restraints on C-Chan here, and take him into the detention level, see, only when we get into the prison control room we shoot all the guards and blast the security cameras. After that, while everyone's still confused, we engage in a running battle through the prison wing, rescue the girl, blow open a garbage hatch or something, make our way through the bowels of the station, and blast our way back to the Hedgehog."

Nodoka looked at Kasumi. Kasumi looked at Nodoka. Then both of them looked at Akane.

"Commander Sanzenin?" Nodoka asked politely. "Could we please have a tour of the detention level?"

"Why sure!" the officer said, steering the tram down a side corridor. "Did you know that the Death Star's cell block is the largest holding facility on any spacegoing vessel or installation?"

"Okay, we can do it this way, too," Akane said, sounding somewhat disappointed.

"And if you'll look to your left, you'll see two officers of our friendly and helpful staff escorting a Rebel terrorist to his well- deserved fate." Slowing the cart down, Sanzenin waved at the two stormtroopers. "You there!"

The troopers froze, and slowly turned. The cuffed Wookiee they were escorting made a worried noise. "Er, yeah?"

"Would you mind posing for a picture?" Commander Sanzenin chattered cheerfully. "I'm sure these ladies would be thrilled."

The troopers looked at him as if lobsters had started crawling out of his ears. "Uh, sure," the shorter one said hesitantly. "Han, why don't you stand over there by Che... er, the prisoner, and I'll stand here."

"Okay, if you ladies could stand right there in front of them... you on the left, why don't you give your blaster to the young lady to hold, that's it... could the traitorous Rebel prisoner move to the right just a smidgen... okay... perfect. Say 'cheese', everyone...."

"Cheese!"

"Rrroughse."

"Okay, thanks guys!"

"Yeah, sure, c'mon kid let's get outta here...."

The troopers hustled off, and Kasumi and Company reboarded the cart. Sanzenin handed them all polaroids as he restarted the tram and drove on.

"Oh my. I really should have brought a camera."

Leia awakened with a start as the door to her cell was thrown open. The short figure silhouetted in the doorway waving a blaster in the air immediately got her attention, and she quickly sat up in her bunk.

"Princess?"

She blinked. "Yes?"

"We're here to rescue you!"

Her heart leaped. "You're what!"

"We've got your droids! We're here to rescue you!"

A taller figure appeared behind the blaster-waving one. "Akane? That's not her."

"Oh dear. This is #327-B, not #357-B."

"But I'm Princess Leia Organa of..."

"Whoops. Sorry." And with that, the cell door slammed shut again.

Leia shrugged, and went back to sleep. She had known it was too good to be true.

The tram pulled up in front of a cell for the third time.

Nodoka peered carefully at the number on the door. "#327-B. Okay, this should be it."

Hopping out, Akane thumbed open the cell door. "Right. You," she paused to glance at a hastily scribbled note, "Princess Ranma Saotome of Nerima?"

"zzzzzzzsnort.... huh? Wha? Yeah, 'sme...."

Akane shut the cell door and turned to the others. "Okay, found her."

Kasumi beamed at her. Nodoka smiled, and turned to their tour guide. "Commander Sanzenin, could you show us one of the empty cells? We're all just fascinated by this."

Sanzenin, who had already coaxed the promise of a drink together after the tour was over out of Nodoka, obligingly opened a nearby cell. "These cells are constructed of the finest materials available, have a holding capacity of 23 cubic T'Vans, and can withstand sustained blasterfire at close range. The carpet is..."

"Oh my," said Kasumi brightly, "what's that little panel in the back, under that nice bunk?"

Sanzenin ducked into the cell. "Panel? I don't think I see a..."

Kasumi thumbed the "Door Close" button, followed by the "Door Lock" button. "I hope he isn't put to very much trouble. He was very nice, I thought."

"Well, that's one bother taken care of," Akane muttered. Pressing the open button, she again opened the door to Ranma's cell. "Okay, c'mon."

The redhead inside sat up slightly in her bunk. "You sure, now? Not just here to ask me my name?"

Akane sighed. "Look, do you want to be rescued or not?"

Frowning slightly, the redhead examined her. "By you? Lemme think about it for a bit."

"Captain Soro? Nodoka?"

"And just what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't wanna be rescued by some tomboy with a blaster! It's embarrassing!"

"Excuse me, Captain Soro? Ms. Kenobi?"

Nodoka turned away from the cell to glance at her student. "Yes, Kasumi?"

"What do those big flashing red lights on the wall saying "INTRUDER ALERT!" mean?"

"TOMBOY? Look, sister...."

"I think it means that hundreds of stormtroopers are about to come boiling down here any minute," Nodoka said with relative calm.

"Oh dear."

"Who're you calling sister!"

"Excuse me," Nodoka snapped, "can we please run away now before the stormtroopers come and shoot us?"

The princess blinked. "Huh? Yeah, sure."

"Fine with me!" Akane snapped.

They hurried out of the cell, the ominous sound of blaster fire sounding faintly in the distance.

"Right," Nodoka said crisply, "which way out of the detention level?"

"Rrrourgh," said Chawbaka, pointing.

"That's the cell we just walked out of, C-Chan."

"Rourgh."

"Oh dear," Kasumi commented, peering down one of the hallways. "I think the shooting is getting closer."

"Quick, check the Death Star Fun Book," Akane said, drawing her blaster. "Maybe there's a map or a coloring diagram or something."

Ranma rolled her eyes. "Doncha even know the way out of the stupid detention center? Some rescue this is."

"Oh, yeah, like you do either?" Akane shot back, as Chawbaka frantically flipped through the pages of the book looking for a map.

"Actually," the princess replied smugly, "I do. C'mon, it's this way." With that, she took off running down the cellblock corridor. Kasumi and Nodoka shrugged and followed at a trot.

Akane swore, glanced after them, and reluctantly followed. Chawbaka brought up the rear, reading as he loped after his captain.

"Are you sure you know where you're going, young lady?" Nodoka asked, puffing along behind the Neriman princess. Ranma nodded, turning to give her a confident smile.

"Trust me," she called, "I know what I'm..."

Ranma turned the corner and skidded to a stop. Up ahead, their backs to the group, a cluster of stormtroopers were firing down an hallway at something.

Behind her, Nodoka and Kasumi pulled to a halt and stared at the platoon. They seemed to be quite enthusiastic about their shooting, and the occasional laser bolt zooming past seemed to indicate that their targets were getting into the spirit of this as well.

"They obviously aren't going to notice us," Nodoka said quietly. "Let's turn around and head a different..."

Akane Soro turned the corner at this point, saw the stormtroopers, and immediately shot one.

About half the squad turned their attention to her, and began turning their guns as well.

"Oh hell," muttered Nodoka, and threw her lightsaber at them.

It snapped on in midair and whipped through the air like a killer day-glo boomerang, scything at the Imperials. They very sensibly dived to the ground, whereupon Akane shot another one, followed by a blast from Chawbaka's bowcaster. Ranma took the opportunity to jump forward, snatch a blaster carbine from one of the fallen troopers, and shot a third.

Kasumi placed one hand over her mouth, mildly aghast. Ranma tossed her a blaster; she numbly caught it with one hand and looked at it.

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" someone yelled at the other end of the hall. Ranma, Chawbaka, and Akane quickly took down the few remaining troops on their side, then ducked back as a withering fusillade of blasterfire came from the other end.

"Run away?" asked Kasumi, holding her blaster gingerly.

"Yes!" yelled Nodoka, snatching up her lightsaber and dashing off. Kasumi followed.

"YAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Akane, gleefully emptying her blaster around the corner. Ranma stared at her for a second, then resumed picking off troopers one by one.

"Rurgle-rowrl," observed Chawbaka, firing over Akane's shoulder.

"What'd he say?"

"He suggested we should make a strategic withdrawal," Akane translated, ducking as a barrage of laserfire blew big holes in the wall over her head. "I think he might have something."

Ranma snorted. "What, run away?" She jumped to one side just as a blast went through the place she had been a moment before. "Ack. Yeah, I think he has something there."

"Right," Akane said determinedly, taking a metal sphere from a belt pouch, twisting it, and tossing it around the corner. "Run."

"Why?"

"Because the thermal detonator I just tossed is going to go off in five seconds."

"Oh."

They ran.

The force of the blast wave that rocked the Death Star detention level gave Akane, Ranma, and the Wookiee enough momentum to catch up to the two Jedi.

"I think we bought some time," Ranma panted, never breaking stride. "She's pretty good with that blaster."

Akane blushed, for once looking off guard. "Why.. ah, thanks..."

"For a clumsy psychopathic chick, anyway."

"WHY YOU!"

"Later!" snapped Nodoka. Both looked sheepish.

"So, you got the droids, huh?" asked Ranma. Kasumi nodded.

"Yes, these Jawas...." Kasumi trailed off. "Oh my. Where did the droids go?"

Nodoka winced. "We must have left them on the tour cart. I think Captain Soro switched off the loud one."

"Captain Soro?" asked Ranma. Akane raised a hand, and the redhead grunted. "Figures. Look, we gotta get those droids. The information in em is... uh, vitally important to the rebellion, yeah."

"Right," Nodoka said resignedly. "back to the tour cart."

"Cheh. Tomboy pilot. Can't even fire a blaster right."

"Oh, and I saw just how helpful the Princess was. Were you too busy waiting for your servant to come and carry you to the tram?"

"Naw, I was just waiting to watch you trip over your own feet and fall on your face, you clumsy..."

"Snotty..."

"Macho..."

"Helpless..."

"ENOUGH!" Nodoka finally yelled. "You two are worse than that damned droid! I think I'd rather turn him on than listen to you two fight like children!" Nodoka readjusted her kimono and turned around with a humph. "And we're supposed to be paying them," she said under her breath.

Akane and Ranma looked at each other, scowling. Akane shook her head and turned forward, her blaster drawn just in case. Obviously the princess wasn't going to be of any use except decoration.

Ranma muttered something under her breath and crossed her arms over her chest. The whole thing was a nightmare, and that was just the rescue. She was afraid to see what kind of shape the rest of the Rebellion was in.

Kasumi drove as though her life depended on it, and as badly as she had to use the young lady's room, it probably did. The little tram squealed as it rounded a corner, though it had no wheels to speak of.

"Get this fuzzball offa me!" Ranma yelled from the back as she was almost tossed from the seat, along with Chawbaka and the droids. Akane was apparently the only one with a working seatbelt.

Of course, that didn't help her when Kasumi turned another corner and sent the two sliding into her. She opened her mouth to protest, but got a mouth full of long, stringy Wookiee hair instead.

Anyone not strapped in was sent airborne for a moment as the tram hit some sort of object. Looking behind them, Akane saw the remains of one of those annoying little mouse 'bots that were always underfoot.

So maybe Kasumi wasn't such a bad driver after all. Akane couldn't help but smirk.

Of course, that was before the little bridge, barely wide enough for one person, over a seemingly bottomless shaft. Somehow, Kasumi got the tram up on its side to skid along the walkway, sparks shooting off the side.

Akane had her eyes closed so she never saw everyone else in the tram hang on for dear life, coming dangerously close to spilling out and tumbling down the shaft.

There was a squeal of grinding metal and the tram slammed back down to its upright position, sending everyone on a short E-ticket ride. Akane opened her eyes just in time to see a group of officers dive aside as the tram plowed through the area they had been walking a second before.

Somehow, by some act of a much, MUCH higher power, they ended back up in the hangar bay. The tram spun around three times, acting like some out of control amusement park ride, just before it slid safely into a recessed area usually used for cargo.

Kasumi got out of the tram daintily, smoothing her dress out before hurrying to the Hedgehog. She stopped at the ramp and looked back at the tram. For some odd reason, none of the others had moved, except the droids, which appeared to be losing bits and pieces of themselves. "Goodness. Shouldn't we leave as soon as possible? I don't think they'll be too happy about us scratching up their floors."

Akane was the first to react, simply because she had had her eyes closed a good portion of the trip and had worn the safety belt. Now if she could only get the safety belt off.

She was still in better condition than either the Princess or Chawbaka, who had looks of terror frozen on their faces (which is not pretty on a Wookiee), or Nodoka, who looked like she was in shock. Even the droids.

R2-HT's lights were flashing wildly, and several panels were sliding open periodically, small clouds of smoke emerging. C-KN0 was completely inert, all functions halted. No wonder it was so quiet.

Kasumi decided to head into the ship and make some tea.

"What WAS that?" the officer yelled after pulling himself from the tangle of bodies.

"Sir, I think those were the escaped rebels. They were reported heading in this direction," answered one of the officers that had managed not to end up on the bottom of the pile.

"Gah. Just my luck. Why didn't someone stop them?" He kicked one of the junior officers that was still untangling himself.

"Well, Lieutenant Wesley? Why didn't you?"

"I... uh... I didn't see them coming, sir!"

"Take this worthless maggot down and have him shot!"

Kasumi was just setting a makeshift table with the last teacup when the others came in. Even Nodoka was looking a bit... bedraggled. "Good! You're just in time for lunch!"

"Kasumi," Akane said, her voice barely louder than a whisper, "we don't have time for lunch. We have to get off this station before the entire Empire tries to board this ship!"

Kasumi seemed to consider what Akane had said. "Dear, I don't think there will be enough food for all of them."

Akane squeezed her eyes shut and tried very hard not to start screaming. "Buckle in, people. We are leaving, with or without lunch!" She marched away, grabbing Chawbaka and dragging him along.

"Man, what a temperamental chick. What's her problem?" the Princess asked, having come around at the sight of food. She sat down at the table and began shoveling lunch into her mouth. "I'b neber sheen sush a groushy tonboy."

"Princess, please don't speak with your mouth full. It's quite... disgusting," Nodoka said gently.

Ranma shrugged and continued to eat. "Dear girl, what kind of princessly training did you receive?" Nodoka asked. She was getting doubts about going to Nerima Prime. If this was what their royalty was like, she didn't want to see the common people. Oh sure, the other members of the rebellion were nice enough, but they did all seem to need a lesson in personal hygiene.

Ranma swallowed the last of her lunch and looked defiantly at Nodoka. "I ain't no princess, so stop calling me that."

"You're not... But I thought..."

Ranma chuckled bitterly. "You got the right person, but I ain't no princess. Got any hot water?" she asked.

He stood rigidly at attention, sweat crawling down the side of his face. It was a complete nightmare; figures he would get the crap duty.

"Your report."

"The rebels, they escaped down into the garbage..."

"Not them! The others! I want to know the location of the Princess Saotome! She, and those droids have knowledge of Project J, and they can not be allowed to escape here alive!" Tofu was starting to get annoyed at all this. The next time someone got it in his or her tiny little brain to mistake him with that gorilla-like buffoon Vader, he was going to get really mad.

"Just find them. Bring them to me. And maybe I won't turn you into a pretzel. Do you think you can handle that?" He knew they were on the station someplace. If anyone had properly listened to him, they would have identified them the minute they had landed, but noooo. No one ever listened to Lord Ono.

Snapping back to attention, the fresh-faced captain nodded. "Yes, my Lord."

"And don't fail me. I'm very intolerant of failure."

"Of course, my Lord. The rebels will be captured and Princess Organa..." He stopped short when Lord Ono twiddled his pinkie finger at him. "I mean, Princess Saotome! Princess Saotome and the two droids will be at your disposal."

Turning quickly, the captain got out of there as fast as he could without appearing too much of a chicken with his tail feathers on fire.

Nodoka and Kasumi stared.

Ranma got slightly annoyed. "Look, it ain't my fault. This is Project J, that Lord Ono is after."

Nodoka and Kasumi continued to stare.

Getting more annoyed, Ranma slapped his hand down on the table. "Yo! Are you listenin' to me? Just because I change into a girl with cold water don't mean I'm a freak or nothin'."

"I don't know about that," Akane said from behind the princess turned prince. Her eyes suddenly narrowed. "Assuming you're even still Princess Ranma and not some sort of shape-shifter stealing her identity." Her hand settled on the blaster at her side.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Man, where do you come up with these stupid ideas?"

Akane's face pinked and she scowled at him.

"Like I was sayin' before the tomboy showed up, this is what Ono's lookin' for. That's what's in the plans, along with the cure." Ranma's eyes gleamed.

"Cure?" Kasumi asked.

"Yeah. Whatever this cure is, it'll stop me from turnin' into a girl when I'm hit with cold water. Everyone gets the dumb idea that I'm helpless and tries to help. Do you think I would have let those morons catch me if I hadn't had some bonehead rebel tryin' to protect me?" Ranma snorted. "Not on your life."

"You looked pretty helpless back on that tram."

"You weren't helpin' none, chick."

"Freak."

"Clumsy."

"Pervert."

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Nodoka yelled, causing the two to stop abruptly and look at her. "Kasumi, go get C-KN0. At least he can pretend to hold an intelligent conversation."

Kasumi nodded and started to rise.

"Hold it! Bring that little pervert droid in here. I wanna look at the plans and find that cure," Ranma said, abandoning his argument with Akane.

Nodoka gave a small smile. "Ah, excellent. Finally down to business."

Kasumi returned a few minutes later with both droids following her. "Now, R2, can you give the princess the plans back?" she asked sweetly.

Ranma scowled, but couldn't bring himself to get upset with her. The freaky droids on the other hand...

"Who is this scoundrel dressed in women's clothing?" C-KN0 asked, glaring completely non-threateningly at Ranma. After all, how scary can a shiny gold droid actually look?

"I'm not..."

"Please. The plans. We really should leave this station a