I've been searching to find What makes me try again But I don't see the connection Between love and a man I'm looking for a missing person One that I used to know There was one of two That was me and you But now there's a new place to go Help me find my way Please God don't let me go 'Cause I'm still looking Looking for that missing person I oughta know +-----------------------------------------------------------+ | Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It | | | | Created by David Tai, Paul Gallegos, | | John Walter Biles and Jeff Hosmer | | | | Based on the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi | +-----------------------------------------------------------+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 07: "Broken Spatula Faceoff" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Open on a path by the campus near the student apartments. Kuonji Ukyou, her arms full of groceries, is meandering along it.] Ukyou: (happily mumbling) Okay... butter, eggs, milk, Pocky for Megami, Soba noodles, a pint of lemon sherbet, Oolong Tea, Varaiyah Tea, a spare lightbulb, SterAWAY! for the pest problem... I hope Makiko didn't get as much as I did. We're barely going to have enough freezer space as it is. Still, gotta pass this test, which'll be much easier if I never have to leave the apartment. [A man runs past her, screaming. Ukyou blinks.] Ukyou: (calling after him) Good morning, Kaihoten-san! [Two more people race past her, yelling at the top of their lungs. Ukyou blinks again.] Ukyou: (quickening her step) Maybe it's a new kind of jogging. [Before long, a group of eight students run towards her, gibbering in fear. Ukyou steps in front of them and waves.] Ukyou: (friendly tone) Hey, guys, what's going... [Ignoring Ukyou, they stampede into and over her. Groceries fly in all directions. Still gibbering, the students charge off into the sunset.] Ukyou: (flat on her back) ...on? [A screaming straggler charges past, stepping on her face in the process. Ukyou lies in the middle of the road for a few seconds, then sits up.] Ukyou: (shoeprint with "NIKE" stamped across her forehead) Okay, maybe it's not jogging. (glances at the ruined groceries) Someone's gonna _pay_ for all this, though! [Standing, she sets off at a good trot for the apartment. Another student races past, screaming, and she casually trips him.] Ukyou: (sweetly) Hi! Student: (screaming) IIIEEEEE! GUNS! MURDER! BULLETS! BLOOD! DEATH! CARNAGE! IEEEE! (pauses, normal voice) Oh, hi. (resumes) IIEEEE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! CARNAGE! BLOOD! IIIEEEE! Ukyou: (confused) C'mon, mid-terms aren't _that_ bad.... Student: (crazed look) Lebanese terrorists! Hundreds of em! In the apartment building! Riding giant war yaks! With Uzis and Ak-747s and chainsaws! AAAAAIIIEEEE! [He tries to get up. Ukyou steps on his chest, forcing him back down.] Ukyou: (disapprovingly) Taking drugs can get you expelled, you know. [A muffled explosion comes from the direction of the apartments. Startled, Ukyou looks at the vague shapes of the building through the trees, then glances back down at the struggling student.] Ukyou: Giant War Yaks? Lebanese? Student: (panicked) They came through the roof! Waving their knives and hooked potato peelers! The horror! The horror! They killed dozens... hundreds of students! And they hate theatre arts majors! I'M a theatre arts major! They're gonna shoot me and hang me! Ukyou: What, both at once? [The obviously fear-crazed student jumps to his feet and does a passable imitation of a Gold-Medal sprinter. Ukyou stares after him, obviously worried.] Ukyou: (nervously) Lebanese terrorists? On yaks? That's as stupid as... [Another muffled explosion is heard. Ukyou glances again at the apartment complex.] Ukyou: ...as any of the other things that have happened since I met Ranchan. (she starts, a thought striking her) Megami! Makiko! They were supposed to be home by now! [Clearly worried, Ukyou races towards the building. As she draws closer, the sound of screams and gunfire makes itself heard, wafting down from the upper floor. Ukyou pulls to a stop before the deserted front door, and swallows.] Ukyou: Oh my God... Makiko.... Megumi... (her jaw firms) Hold on... I'm coming. [Taking an aluminum baseball bat from the sports storage room off the main lobby, she cautiously creeps up the deserted stairwell.] Ukyou: (to herself) I don't see any bodies... [She reaches her floor, and opens the door to the hall. The sounds of gunfire and screaming are almost deafening now. Ukyou tightens her grip on the bat, and stalks down the corridor.] Ukyou: (mumbling) Giant War Yaks. Steady, Ucchan... Makiko's Voice: (over the gunfire) AUGH! My arm! He blew my arm off! Megami's Voice: Look out, Auntie! [Ukyou freezes in shock, then yells in rage and runs for the door to her apartment. Finding it closed, she kicks the door down.] Ukyou: (bat held high, infuriated) DIE! Makiko: (swiveling in her chair, startled) AAAAAAH! (They both freeze, staring at each other. The apartment is empty, save for Ukyou, Makiko, and a wide-eyed Megami. The sound of gunfire, seemingly from nowhere, fills the apartment.) Ukyou: (frenzied tone) Where are the Lebanese yak rider terrorists!? Makiko: (wide-eyed, slowly backing away) Whatever it is, I'm sorry? Please don't kill me? Ukyou: (confused) Huh? [She takes a closer look around the apartment, and notices the two HUGE speakers set up next to the computer.] Ukyou: (lowering the bat) What the hell? Makiko: (scared, soothing tone) That's right, Ucchan... just put the bat down, and we can talk about whatever it is that's bothering you... [Ignoring her, Ukyou stomps over to look at the monitor. On it, a game of Quake is well underway. She looks at the speakers blaring forth gunfire, then at the monitor, then at the worried Makiko.] Ukyou: (incredulously) A GAME? I nearly had a heart attack over a stupid GAME? Makiko: (indignantly) That's not just a game, that's Quake! Ukyou: (pointing to the speakers) And what the hell's this? Makiko: (proudly) I bought a Whammo sound card and ApocX stereo speakers with Carnage Tuning! Neat, huh? Ukyou: Makiko, they evacuated the building because of this damn thing! They thought that was real gunfire! Makiko: (wide-eyed) Oh. Whoops. Ukyou: Whoops? WHOOPS!? Makiko: (happily) But it does sound great, doesn't it? (peers at Ukyou) Hey, Ucchan, is that a footprint on your face? [Ukyou stares at her, in a daze. Megami tugs twice at her shirt.] Megami: Ukyou? Ukyou: Yes, Megami? Megami: I have dibs on next game. [Ukyou facefaults.] [Later in the day. Makiko is sitting on her bed, staringly longingly at the speakers and computer. Across the room, Ukyou sits at her desk, lost in a textbook.] Makiko: (hesitatingly) Uh, Ucchan? Ukyou: (not looking up) Yes, Maki-chan? Makiko: I don't suppose... I could play just one game? Ukyou: (still reading) No. Makiko: (wheedling) Please? I'll turn down the volume... Ukyou: No. I've heard what that monstrosity sounds like turned down. I've been at rock concerts that were quieter. Makiko: But I'm going through withdrawal! [Looking up, Ukyou glares at her roommate.] Ukyou: You should have thought of that before buying a soundsystem on which the lowest setting is labeled "Very Very Loud"! I've got a test in a few days, and I can't study with you firing off more rounds of ammunition than they used in the Gulf War! Makiko: (meekly) Okay, so Quake is a little loud... how about Doomed? Ukyou: No. Makiko: Castle Badgerstein? Ukyou: No. Makiko: Moral Wombat 3? Ukyou: (turning to glare at her) No, no, and no. Unless you have a completely silent game, which I know for a fact that you don't, not a chance. Makiko: (meekly) Oh. [Silence for a while as Ukyou ferociously devours the textbook, and Makiko sits on the bed staring wistfully at her machine. Finally, Makiko stands.] Makiko: Right. Well, I'm gonna... (she thinks) go see if Lard-chan's around. Ukyou: (not looking up) That's nice. [Makiko quietly sighs, and leaves. Ukyou continues doggedly studying.] * * * [The Nekohanten. A gloomy-looking Makiko is sitting at the bar, an untouched drink in front of her. Mousse, glancing at her, throws a bottle on a chain to a customer; the container missing her head by mere inches. Makiko doesn't so much as blink. Frowning, he walks over.] Mousse: Kawamura-san? Is something bothering you? Makiko: (blinking) Hmm? No, Mousse, thanks. I just really need to shoot something. Mousse: (faintly) Shoot something? Makiko: Yeah. I was blowing people away today with that 12-gauge... say, do you know where Tanaka-san is? Mousse: (aghast) Noooo.... I'm afraid I don't. Er, Kawamura-san, when you say "blow people away"... Makiko: (oblivious) Yeah, I got Hiroshi square between the eyes; blew his head clean off. Was a beautiful shot. Never saw it coming. I hope he isn't mad at me. Mousse: (slowly backing away) I'm... sure he forgives you... [He hastily vanishes into the back room. Makiko sighs, and sips her drink.] Makiko: (muttering) Boooooored. (she sighs) Lard-chan, where are you? I could use something to cheer me up. Or even just something unusual, something interesting... [The door to the Nekohanten is suddenly flung open in dramatic fashion to reveal Yuriko, clad only in a rather loosely draped bath towel. Her hair is still damp, and drips water onto her shoulders; she's obviously come straight from the shower. The entire room falls silent, and the eyeball radius of every male present expands to twice the previous size.] Makiko: Okay, this qualifies. Yuriko: (frenzied tone) I.... need a volunteer! All The Men: (jumping to their feet) HAI! [Those women here with someone give their dates dirty looks, and they reluctantly sit down. One student, an athletic-looking fellow, shoulders his way through the crowd.] Student: (in supposedly suave tones) So, what do you want me to... (suggestive leer) do for you, baby? Yuriko: (smiling, oblivious) I want you to test an experimental delta-sine brainwave manipulator with enzyme-control biosupplements. Student: (brow wrinkling) Kinky. I think. Student 2: (recoiling in horror) Hey! That's Murata Yuriko! The one who poisoned the Miracle Violence Combination! She turned them into human balloons! Yuriko: (indigantly) They got better! Mostly. [The men who had remained standing quickly sit down. The first student looks at Yuriko in shock.] Yuriko: (eyeing him in much the same way as one would a microbe) Hmmm. Yes, you'll do nicely. How high is your tolerance to electricity? [The student screams and jumps out a nearby window.] Yuriko: (calling after him) Wait! This is for science! (she sighs, and turns back to address the room.) Doesn't anyone want to volunteer? [Everyone becomes very interested in their drinks.] Yuriko: I'll pay you! Student 2: Gotta go arrange my sock drawer. [He hastily leaves. Several others follow; "Gosh, look at the time..." "I'm gonna miss Days of Our Lives!" "Uh-oh, I'll be late for my mandolin lesson..."] Yuriko: (frustrated) How am I supposed to prove my pioneering VR breakthrough really works if no-one wants to try it? [At the bar, Makiko stiffens and slowly turns in her seat.] Makiko: (slowly) Did you say, "VR"? Yuriko: Well, actually I said "How am I supposed to prove my..." Makiko: Right. And can you configure it for... games? Yuriko: (shrugging) Don't see why not. Makiko: (standing) I volunteer. For the good of science, I volunteer. [A gasp of horror sweeps the room.] Patron 1: So noble! Patron 2: So brave! Patron 3: So amazingly dumb! Yuriko: (dumbfounded) You do? You do? Makiko: (nodding) Yup. When do I get to try it out? Yuriko: (delighted) Right now! Come on! [Taking Makiko's hand, she drags her out the door. After a few seconds, Mousse emerges from the back room.] Mousse: Okay, Kawamura-san, how about we just talk... (looks around) Hey! Where'd Kawamura go? Patron 2: She just left. Mousse: (pale) Drat... I'll tell the police that when they get here. (adjusts his glasses, squints at the entrance) Hey... whose towel is that, caught in the door? * * * [Yuriko's apartment. Kasumi's influence can be immediately seen; the room is nearly spotless. However, Yuriko's influence is equally apparent - machines, beakers, vials, burners, cages of small mammals, cryogenic tanks, and diagrams of the human head with notes scrawled on them like "cut here". The door opens, and Yuriko enters. Makiko's jacket covers her; the jacket's owner enters a few seconds later.] Yuriko: (cheerfully) Here we are! Let me change into a lab coat, and I'll be right with you. [She tosses off the jacket and begins rooting through a pile of clothing. Makiko politely averts her eyes, and dubiously examines the room.] Makiko: (looking around) I don't see any helmets or gloves... Yuriko: (tossing aside a pair of lederhosen as she grabs a slightly dirty lab coat) There aren't any. Mechanical interfaces are too bulky, too distracting, too artificial... Makiko: (nodding sagely) And you couldn't afford them, right? Yuriko: Well, yes. But my method is much better! [Pulling on the lab coat, she walks over to a complicated-looking set of headphones. Holding them up, she poses.] Yuriko: (triumphantly) The Hypno-Epileptic Delta Sine Wave Implementer, Mark 23! Makiko: (looking disappointed) What, it's sound only? Yuriko: Oh no, of course not! The HEDSWIM23 uses your own brain to produce visual effects via a complex mix of sound hypnosis and extremely powerful and untested chemical supplements. That last had been giving me trouble, but just minutes ago I thought of the solution while washing my left armpit. Five percent more cat sweat enzymes! (she slaps her forehead) It was staring me in the face all along! Makiko: (doubtfully) Er. Of course it was. Look, is this thing safe? It's not gonna melt my brain or something, right? Yuriko: (cheerfully) Of course not! It stopped doing that around, oh, Mark 19. Makiko: (nervous) What a relief. Yuriko: (mixing something in a beaker) Now. What sort of game did you want to run? Monopoly? Gin? Candyland? Shogi? Makiko: Utter Carnage Multiplayer. With HyPerGOR enhancement. Yuriko: Is that like Old Maid? Makiko: No, not really. You take a shotgun and a rocket launcher and a chainsaw and run around killing things. Yuriko: (beaming) Oh, you mean a psychotic episode! Don't worry, it stopped causing those around Mark 16. Makiko: (gulping) Er. No, I mean a simulator where you run around killing things. Yuriko: (frowning) Hmm. Harmless aggression channeling. Not a bad idea, actually. [She finishes mixing a solution, and then proceeds to whack keys on a terminal enthusiastically. Makiko sits in a chair to wait, leafing through some of Kasumi's cookbooks. Finally, Yuriko stands.] Yuriko: (handing her the solution) Here. Drink this. Makiko: (sniffing it cautiously) Ugh. What does it do? Yuriko: It makes your brain more in tune with the delta waves from the headset. And it clears up any acne you might have. Side-effects are fun. Makiko: (muttering) This is not a good idea. [She gulps the potion down.] Makiko: Gah. Yuriko: (sympathetic) Tastes vile, doesn't it? [She hands Makiko the headset.] Yuriko: Put these on. Don't worry if your ears start to bleed; it'll wash out. Makiko: (putting on the headset) Okay... now what? Yuriko: Think of the game you want to play. The wave feedback will use your thoughts to shape it. [Closing her eyes, Makiko pictures the first game that comes into her head. Suddenly, a wave of dizziness washes over her.] Makiko: (opening her eyes) Hey, Yuriko, I feel a little... huh? [She blinks. All around her are the walls and battlements of a German castle.] Makiko: (wonderingly) Cool! I'm actually _in_ Castle Badgerstein! [Looking down at herself, she notices that her clothing has been replaced by an allied military uniform. A nasty, cartoonish-looking pistol hangs from her belt.] Makiko: (drawing the gun) Wow! (she sights) This is soooo awesome. Now, where are the Germans... Voice: Hande hoch. [She spins. A bored looking soldier in Nazi uniform is mechanically advancing on her, a gun in one hand. In a single smooth movement, Makiko whips her pistol around and fires, the shot blowing a pixelated hole in the soldier's chest.] Soldier: (bored voice) Argh. Mein leben. [He carefully lies down.] Makiko: (slightly irritated) You could put a bit more feeling into it, you know. Soldier: (lying down, eyes closed) Yeah, yeah. YOU try being the evil Nazi cannon fodder, see how much enthusiasm YOU can muster. I mean, "Mein leben"? Oh, please. That's not even good German. Makiko: (irritated) So ad-lib. [She turns away, and stomps into the main castle, gun drawn.] Makiko: Hmm. This is the second level, so I should be getting... [A guard in a flamboyant purple uniform turns the corner. Makiko cheerfully plugs him.] Guard: (dramatically collapsing) Argh, a touch! I breathe my last! My only regret is that I have but one life to give for my evil totalitarian dictatorship. It is a far, far better thing... Makiko: (shooting him again) Dead men tell no tales. Nor do they deliver their own eulogies. Guard: Sorry. [Makiko merrily skips down the hall, blowing away guards in various gaudy colors. Finally, she pulls up to a huge door cast of the sturdiest paper mache.] Makiko: (reverant whisper) The Mandatory Big Boss Chamber. Secret lair of the most hated villain in gaming. [She kicks down the door. A huge purple monstrosity turns to greet her, Nazi uniform hanging loosely on it.] Makiko: (ringing voice) Bjornie Von Pukenheim, prepare to face justice! Bjornie The Nazi Dinosaur: (adjusting monocle) Ach! It ist der fearsome Allied potato! Makiko: (blinking) Potato? Bjornie The Nazi Dinosaur: (blinks) Oh dear, that's not right, is it? (fumbles with a script) Sorry, commando. Allied commando. (thick German accent returns) Ach! Erste Hot Death Staffel of Love, attack! Hordes of Guards: (appearing from nowhere) HEIL BJORNIE! Makiko: (raising gun) YAAAAAA! [Horrific carnage ensues. Makiko takes several shots, all of which simply scuff up her uniform. Finally, the guards and Bjornie lie on the floor, surrounded by pools of pixelated blood. Makiko laughs delightedly.] Makiko: (waving gun) Yeah! What a rush! What a... [Abruptly the chamber vanishes, and she finds herself back in Yuriko's room. Makiko blinks, shakes her head to clear it, and removes the headphones.] Yuriko: (anxiously) Well? How was it? Did it damage any part of your brain? Was it realistic? Have you developed a strong urge to kill rabbits? Has your sexual orientation changed? Makiko: (beaming) If worked perfectly! Yuriko: (blinking) It did? Makiko: It was like really being there! Yuriko: It was? Makiko: You sound surprised. Yuriko: (unconvincingly) Surprised? Me? Hahahahahah. Makiko: Right. (frowns slightly) There was only one slight problem. Yuriko: Voices in your head kept telling you to shave your head and molest rutabagas? Makiko: (startled) No... Yuriko: (fishing out a pocket tape recorder, speaking into it) Mark 23 fixed rutabaga problem. Makiko: ...It just wasn't enough of a challenge. I mean, the fun thing about shooters is that you can do multiplayer games, where you take on other humans. Yuriko: (nodding) Ah, the comradeship of your digital brothers in arms? Makiko: No, it's just more fun to crush and humiliate real people. And more of a challenge. Yuriko: (thinking) I do have two headsets. What about your roommate, Kuonji-san? Makiko: (sadly) She's busy right now. (thinks) Do you want to play? Yuriko: (hurriedly) Me? No, uh, I'm no good that that sort of thing. Besides, I need to run the equipment. Makiko: (downcast) Drat. I don't think there's anyone else I can get ahold of on short notice. Yuriko: (thoughtful) Well... actually... I _could_ build a neural AI... Makiko: (blinking) What's that? Yuriko: (shrugging) I use your hindbrain to create an artificial personality matrix capable of independent thought. For the purposes of the game, it's like another player. Makiko: (suspiciously) This won't, like, give me a split personality or anything, will it? Yuriko: (straightfaced) Hmm? Oh, no. Probably not. [After thinking for a minute, Makiko hesitantly nods.] Makiko: Okay. Just don't fry my brain or anything. Yuriko: (laughing) Fry your brain! How silly! Makiko: (relieved) Heh. Yeah, well, you know... Yuriko: It hasn't done that since Mark 13. * * * [Ranma and Akane's apartment. Akane is flopped on the futon, watching TV, when the rattling sound of a key turning in the lock is heard. She glances over as a shaken-looking Ranma enters and flops down on the sofa.] Akane: (curious) You look a bit on edge tonight. Ranma: (shaking his head) You could say that. I just saw something really... I dunno. Never mind. Akane: (interested) No, what is it? Ranma: (hesitantly) Well... I was walking back home, and, well, I saw Makiko and Yuriko. Akane: (blinking) So? Ranma: They were holding hands. Akane: (shrugging) So they're friends. Ranma: Yuriko was naked as a jaybird. Akane: (gaping) Huh? Ranma: (nodding) And Makiko was taking off her jacket. Akane: (hesitantly) Maybe they were just... Ranma: Yuriko was telling Makiko that she'd "give her a sensory experience she'd never forget." Akane: (blushing) Oh. Oh my. Ranma: (nodding) I didn't stick around to see any more. Akane: (thoughtful) Well. I certainly would never have guessed that they were lovers. Ranma: (gloomy) Yeah. It's a real dilemma. Akane: (surprised) What's the dilemma? So they're lesbians. Big deal. Ranma: Don't you think Ukyou and Kasumi might want to know? Akane: (blinking) Oh. You're right, that is a problem. Ranma: (moodily) Yeah. I don't know how they'd take it. I mean, it _is_ pretty cramped quarters, ya know? Akane: (thoughtful) Well, I know Kasumi pretty well, and I don't think it would bother her. As for Ukyou... (her eyes widen) Oh. Ranma: What? Akane: (hesitantly) Ranma... have you considered that maybe Ukyou _already_ knows? Ranma: (shaking his head) Naw, Ucchan would have told me if.. (he blinks) Wait a minute, are you suggesting that Makiko and Ukyou are...? Akane: (nodding) It's possible. Likely, even. Ranma: (dazed) I dunno... Ucchan isn't really the type... Akane: (rolling her eyes) She dressed like a boy for years, was in love with someone who turned into a girl, and you say she's not the type? And didn't she meet her male side in the spirit world? Ranma: (blinking) Wow. You have a point. Akane: (smugly) Of course I do. (frowns) Of course, if Ukyou and Makiko _are_ lovers, and you tell her about this... Ranma: (finishing) ...she'd be very, very unhappy with Yuriko and Makiko. Maybe even violently so. Chikusho. Akane: (soberly) Yeah. As I recall, the last time Ukyou got dumped she spent the next 10 years seeking revenge. Not exactly a positive sign. Ranma: (sighing) So what do I do? Akane: (shrugging) I don't know. Wait, I guess, and sort of probe Ukyou to see if she and Makiko really are going at it. Ranma: (thinking) So, like, say "Are you a lesbian?" over lunch or something? Akane: No, something a little more subtle. Ranma: Subtle... yeah... okay, "Is it perhaps possible that you and Makiko are lesbians?". [Akane rolls her eyes and throws a pillow at him.] * * * [Yuriko's room. Makiko is nervously looking on as the pre-med student tinkers with the HEDSWIM23, calibrating doohickeys and fine-tuning thingamabobs. Finally, Yuriko nods and straightens.] Yuriko: (triumphantly) There! I've added the neural separation inducer. We'll have to remove part of your skull... Makiko: (wide-eyed) I've changed my mind. Yuriko: (smoothly) ...or we can just use bone resonance without having to cut your head open, I suppose. Okay, put this on. [Cautiously, Makiko puts the headset on. The room vanishes, and she appears in a featureless black void.] Makiko: (looking around nervously) Hey... hey, Yuriko? I think this thing's broken... Yuriko's Voice: (disembodied) Don't worry. This is normal. I'm not running the game yet, just setting up the AI. Makiko: (relieved) Oh, okay. Yuriko's Voice: And don't worry about the giant squid; it won't hurt you. Makiko: (glancing around) Right. Ukyou's Voice: Hi, Maki-chan! [Spinning around, Makiko suddenly notices Ukyou standing behind her, clothed in the dark, high-collared boys' uniform that she wore during her high-school days. The bandoleer and combat spatula are present.] Makiko: (surprised) Ucchan? What are you doing here? Ucchan: (smirking) Sorry, Maki-chan, I'm not Le Chef Kuonji. I'm your opponent for this little piece of mindless slaughter. Call me Ucchan if it'll lull you into a false sense of security, though. Makiko: (uncertainly) Oh. (she looks at Ucchan carefully) You know, you look and sound just like... Ucchan: ...our favorite okonomiyaki wench, I know. Your hindbrain, for reasons unknown to me, decided to give me her form, voice, and personality. (glancing down at herself) I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be a Kansai hick with a spatula fetish. Makiko: I don't know about personality... Ucchan: (shrugging) Well, her personality if she also had the desire to cut you into tiny pieces of quivering flesh with a dull spoon. Close enough. Makiko: .... Ucchan: (clapping her on the back) But hey, just because I want to kill you doesn't mean we can't have a lot of fun together! Makiko: (nervously) Yuriko? Hey, Yuriko? There's a psychotic version of my roommate in here who wants me dead, is this normal? Ucchan: I prefer "sanity-impaired" to "psychotic". Yuriko's Voice: Oh, that's the AI. You did want an opponent, right? [Makiko glances dubiously at Ucchan, who smiles and bats her eyelashes cutely.] Makiko: Yeah, I guess. Ucchan: (cheerfully) Aw, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud, Maki-chan. We're gonna have a grand old time, you and me. Makiko: (cheering slightly) Well, I suppose it wouldn't be much fun if you didn't want to beat me. Ucchan: (encouragingly) That's the spirit! Once more into the breach, damn the torpedoes, helter-skelter, all that crap. Yuriko's Voice: We can start any time you're ready. Makiko: Okay... uh, what are the rules? Ucchan: Feh, asking a voice on high for rules. Ask for guns. Yuriko's Voice: It's pretty simple, actually. Each of you gets an assortment of fairly standard video game weapons. You'll be in a game level cobbled together from your memories of similar games. There will be several drone opponents, and, well, you two. Each of you can take exactly five hits from a weapon; first one to run out of hits loses. Makiko: And what happens after that? Yuriko's Voice: The game ends. Ucchan: Aw, drat. Makiko: (after thought) Well, okay. I'm ready. Yuriko's Voice: Here you go, then! [The scene ripples, and the two vanish. Makiko reappears in a futuristic corridor, the overhead lights dimly flickering. She's newly dressed in a camouflage outfit, a nasty-looking weapon slung over her back.] Makiko: (looking around) Cool. Level Three on Starship Triathalon. [She examines the gun. A tiny selector switch is set into the side, reading "CHAINGUN-PISTOL-FLAMETHROWER-SHOTGUN-ROCKETLAUNCHER-CHAINSAW-BIG FOOKIN GUN". It appears to be set on the first option.] Makiko: (hefting it appraisingly) Multiweapon. Niiiiice. [From down the hall, a clatter is heard. Makiko quickly flips the switch, and the gun morphs into something resembling a bazooka. At the end of the corridor, a multitentacled horror appears.] Multitentacled Horror: (smarmy voice) Hi there. do you think you'd taste better in a white wine sauce, or with butter? And are you best grilled, or baked? Makiko: (sighting) I like barbeque, myself. [She fires. A cartoonish-looking rocket zips out of the bazooka, bathing the far end of the hallway in a pixelated explosion. When the smoke clears, bits of multitentacled horror cover the walls.] Makiko: (patting her weapon) Ooooo, gotta love the Rocket Launcher. Niiiiiice gun. [Meanwhile, in another part of the digital maze, we see Ucchan strolling down a similar passage.] Ucchan: (cheerful musing tone) Dandy, terrific, yessirbob, glad to be here. If I wax Maki-chan - pleasant as that thought is - game over. No fun. If she somehow pulls her sweet little head out of her ass and guns down little old me... same thing. (she looks at the ceiling) Don't mean to complain, God, yer holiness, but this is REALLY (&*&(^$ LAME. [She snarls and punches a hole in one of the walls. It gives way, revealing the corridor to be made of paper mache.] Ucchan: Great. Maki-chan's soft in the head. (she giggles for a second, then abruptly stops) And if this is her imagination, and I'm her hindbrain-machine-whatever.... [She trots down the hall, switching the multiweapon to shotgun as she does. A fuku'd schoolgirl suddenly appears at one end of the corridor, causing her to halt.] Schoolgirl: (sweetly distressed) Oh, help, help! Ucchan: (nicely) Sure, Sailor Moon, what's your problem? Schoolgirl: I'm a bonus civilian for this level. If you see me safely to the evacuation shuttle on Level 4, you recieve a bonus to your final score. (pleading look) And I'm scared. Ucchan: (sympathetic look) Aw. Bonus to my final score... gosh, I can beat the last pimplefaced geek who made it on the high score list, what a thrilling concept... and I get something to help me in the game, yeah? Schoolgirl: No, not really. (sniffles) I'm really scared. Ucchan: (walking over. bending down next to her) You are, huh? Poor little thing. (fishes in her pocket) Here, have a hankie. Schoolgirl: (blowing her nose) Thank you. (hopeful look) So you'll help me? Ucchan: Yeah. Sure will. [Raising the shotgun, she blows the schoolgirl's head off. The body slumps foward to lean against her right shoulder; Ucchan smiles and pats it on the back.] Ucchan: (musing tone) Y'know, if I were a man I'd have molested you first. But I just don't have the equipment, and the whole girl-girl thing just leaves me feeling all icky inside. You understand, right? (falsetto) Sure thing, Ucchan! (normal voice) Well, I'm glad you don't mind, Sailor Moon. I'm trying to be a good villain, but you know how it is, first day on the job, not really trained, maybe a little excited, a little nervous... maybe I should have worn something a little less Kung-Fu. [She shoves the body aside, and continues along the hall, stopping before a door.] Ucchan: Gee. What if they're asleep, or eating, or in the middle of Wheel of Fortune... ah, fuck it. [She kicks down the door, revealing a bunch of surprised-looking humanoids in armor. She casually blows a hole in one of them.] Ucchan: (brandishing shotgun) All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington, S-Mart's top-of-the-line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop Smart. Shop S-mart. (pauses) Boy, Maki-chan's got some really trite dialogue floating around her cuddly little mind. (to the humanoids) You fellows can cooperate and help me kill and torture someone, or I can set up a grill and fry you boys for supper. I'd kinda like an answer soon, but don't, like, feel pressured or anything. Humanoid: (blinking) Not in programming. Situation undefined. Ucchan: (thoughtfully) Hey, is it? Cool. God's a sloppy coder. [She closes her eyes. The room ripples slightly.] Humanoid: Player_2. You are Player_2. Ucchan: (gleefully) Oh, you bet your ugly kisser I am! And who do you serve, my hideous yet unintelligent friend? Humanoids: (in unison) Player_2 issues our command/sequence path orders. Ucchan: (smiling) Gosh, me? A commander, a leader of men... well, vaguely manlike things? This... (she wipes at her eyes) this is a high honor. To think that I, born the son of a poor black sharecropper, could ever rise to head my very own death squad - this truly is a land of opportunity. (nasty grin) Let's wreck some of it. Just as soon as I... tweak... the preferences file juuuuuust a tiny little smidgen. [Ukyou and Makiko's apartment, the following morning. Sunlight streams in the windows to land on a sleeping Ukyou, slumped at her desk with the open textbook for a pillow. The alarm clock rings, interrupting the otherwise peaceful scene and causing Ukyou to start awake.] Ukyou: (yawning) Agh. Hrm. (she rubs her eyes, and glances down at her textbook) Ew, I drooled on the Tokugawa tax history. Maybe I'm overdoing this whole studying thing; I've still got a week til the exam, and Dr Woo's class is one of my better subjects. (she turns) Hey, Makiko, sorry I snapped at... [She trails off, noticing Makiko's unusually tidy and obviously unslept-in bed.] Ukyou: (blinking) She didn't come home last night? Weird. (thinks) Where did she say she was going... hm, something about Lardizabal... (she frowns) Geh, I hope she didn't get drunk and pass out in some doorway, or get arrested... [Concered, she walks over to he answering machine, where a small blinking light indicates a message waiting. Kneeling beside it, she presses the button.] Machine: *BEEEEEEEEEEP* Hi, Kuonji-san, this is Mousse... call me back if you're all right, I think the police were going to stop by around noon today. Do you know why Makiko snapped, by the way? *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* Kuonji-san, this is Murata Yuriko, you know, Tendo Kasumi's roommate... anyways, we... er... have a bit of a problem with your roommate Makiko, and, well, you were the only person I could think of to call. Please come down here right away. *BEEEEEP* [Ukyou stares at the machine in shock, then jumps up and hastily throws on a jacket. Almost as an afterthought, she takes it off, slings her bandoleer of spatulas over her shoulder, and puts the jacket back on to cover it.] Ukyou: (muttering) If it's not Lebanese yak commandos, it's the police and Noumunoikan's very own Dr. Frankenstein. I think Makiko's trying to out-weird me. [She dashes out of the apartment.] [Meanwhile, we see Makiko cautiously advancing through a cluttered cargo bay. Her eyes are alert, and she frequently glances up at the catwalks lining the bay walls.] Makiko: (softly) Close... can feel she's very close... Ucchan: (popping up from behind a crate) Gosh, you think? [Makiko swings her chaingun around and opens fire. Laughing, Ucchan dives into a side corridor. A grim smile in place, Makiko heads after her.] Makiko: (turning into the corridor) Okay, Ucchan, ready or not, here I... [She skids to a stop. Ucchan stands at the end of the hall, five humanoid types with guns in front of her.] Makiko: (backpedaling) ...run for my life. [As gunfire splatters and riccocets around her, Makiko frantically dives out of the way. Emerging into the bay, she dodges and weaves around the crates for a exit on the far side.] Ucchan: (pursuing) DAMN, you guys are lousy shots! Come on, come on, kill her! A lot! Humanoids: (running and firing) Terminate Player_1 activity cycle. Ucchan: Gosh, what a way with words you guys have. I've hired a platoon of poets. Makiko: (running frantically, dodging) Notgonnamakeitnot gonnamake it.... (brightens) wait a sec, in the game this leads to the ship's missile tubes... [She dives into the exit, and glances around the room. Torpedoes, missles, bombs, and similar explosive devices lie in racks set into the sides of the chamber. In one corner, a chute leads into blackness.] Makiko: (panicky) In the first Triathalon, that led to the disposal incinerator, but in Triathalon: Durendil it led to a bonus level... which version is this... [A burst of gunfire splinters the doorframe next to her.] Makiko: Well, that's one vote in favor of the chute. [She races across the chamber, just as Ucchan and the humanoids appear in the door.] Ucchan: (frantically) Oh, uh, guys, er, bombs, missiles, bullets, bad.... [The humanoids open fire. Makiko dives through the chute just centimeters before a stream of lead. The bullets riccochet around the chamber as Ucchan dives to the floor, bouncing off the racks and, in a few cases, bombs. One of the humanoid's head explodes in a shower of pixelated blood as a round bounces back at him.] Ucchan: (standing, through gritted teeth) Would you mind not shooting at the thermonuclear weapons? Humanoids: Sequence error. Ucchan: Is that you guys' way of saying, "whoops, my bad"? (she eyes the chute with interest) Boy, Maki-chan sure moved her cute little tushie. You'd almost think she knew what would happen if we bagged her... (she smirks) You know, the traditional evil psychotic thing afterwards would be to mount her head on the wall, or carve salad tongs out of her bones, but... I dunno... I just have this wacky urge to make okonomiyaki out of her. (she shivers) Ooo, yeah, with those little patterns in the sauce, and maybe a few of those onion ring things... do you guys like onion rings? Humanoids: Invalid query. Ucchan: Yeah, they give me gas. Or they would, if I weren't a rogue segment of Maki-chan's lovely little cerebellum. For now. * * * [Yuriko's room. Makiko, the HEDSWIM23 on her head, has been placed in the bed. Yuriko, a look of concern on her face, is fiddling with a machine when a knock sounds at the door.] Yuriko: (distractedly) Come in! It's open! [The door opens, and a irritated-looking Ukyou enters.] Ukyou: You said there was a problem with Maki-chan? (she blinks, seeing Makiko) Hey, what that thing on her head? Is she asleep? Yuriko: (solemnly) Your roommate is immersed in a virtual reality simulation. Ukyou: Huh? Yuriko: She's in a world of her own. As if she were inside one of those shooter games. Ukyou: (annoyed) She must be having the time of her life, then. Yuriko: (fidgeting) Er... we've run into a slight snag. Ukyou: Define "slight snag". Yuriko: (reluctantly) She's locked into the simulation with a psychotic trying to kill her, and I can't bring her out of it. Ukyou: .... Yuriko: It gets worse. Ukyou: (incredulous) How the hell can it get worse? Yuriko: If the psychotic wins, there's a good chance she'll be the one who wakes up in Makiko's body. Ukyou: I... just have this one silly question. Yuriko: Yes? Ukyou: WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT HER IN THAT THING TO BEGIN WITH? Yuriko: (frantically) I don't understand it! It was perfectly safe! Ukyou: It sure doesn't sound 'perfectly safe'! It sounds like the best thing in suicide since sleeping pills! Yuriko: (sighing) The AI she was playing against somehow got into the preference file and the main router controls. Makiko thinks she can take five shots before the game ends. That was changed to one. And the game_end file was damaged. Ukyou: Okay, so what that does that mean in plain Japanese? Yuriko: It means that if Makiko gets 'killed', she really does get killed, and the AI gets the body. And if Makiko wins, the game will lock up, and she'll be trapped in it. Ukyou: (quietly) You're telling me that no matter what happens, Makiko's dead. Yuriko: (hastily) Oh no, not at all! What it means is... [She thinks for a second.] Yuriko: No, you're right, it means she's a goner. Ukyou: (angrily) There has to be something you can do! Isn't there someone more... competent... you could ask? Yuriko: (shaking her head) Competent people lack the necessary expertise in areas such as these. Due to a strange quirk in science, breakthroughs with dangerously unstable AI's are done only by eccentric but brilliant solitary researchers. Ukyou: So there's nothing you can do? Nothing at all? Yuriko: (after thought) Well... there is one thing.... but it will require you to risk your life, perform daring feats of bravery, fight against terrible odds, and wear a tight spandex outfit with a stupidly huge gun. Ukyou: ... Yuriko: I have another headset, you see. I can put you into the simulation, and use you to break Makiko out of it. Ukyou: (blinking) How? Yuriko: Two ways. First of all, I've coded in a breakout program that will manifest itself in the simulation as a computer chip. Give it to Makiko and have her say "On the whole, I'd rather be in Osaka", and the program will wipe the rogue AI personality from her engrams. Second... the weapon you'll have in the game will be made from a protected subroutine. Killing the AI with it will move the game to a special game_end sequence, which will get you both safely out of the program. Ukyou: And what happens if I get shot? Yuriko: (hesitantly) Well... you have good life insurance and a will, right? Ukyou: Let me get this straight. You want me to go into a biomechanical virtual killing ground to hunt down a psychotic computer intelligence who can manipulate the world around it? Yuriko: Er. Yes? Ukyou: (shrugging) I wasn't really doing anything this afternoon anyway. Okay, strap me in. Yuriko: Okaaaaaay..... [She begins to fiddle with the machines. Ukyou warily watches her.] Ukyou: (pointing to a machine) What does that do? Yuriko: It goes 'Bleep'. [The machine obligingly goes Bleep.] Yuriko: See? Ukyou: Yes, but what does the Bleep mean? Yuriko: It means that the machine is on, of course. Ukyou: (impatiently) So what does it do when it's on? Yuriko: I told you. It goes bleep. Ukyou: ... Yuriko: There, finished. Ukyou: (taking the offered headset) Right. (she pauses) I just put it on? Yuriko: Yes. Or, if you'll wait just a second while I get a bone saw and some disinfectant, I could wire it directly to your brain... Ukyou: (hastily) This way's fine, thanks. Yuriko: (pouting) You'd almost think people had a genetic aversion to cranial surgery. Ukyou: (blandly) You would, wouldn't you? Yuriko: This calls for a survey. Ukyou: Right. (glances at the headset) Well, into the abyss... [She puts on the headset, and the world around her shimmers and vanishes. When vision returns, she is standing in a futuristic corridor.] Ukyou: (glancing around) Weird. Looks like something out of Star Trek... [She looks down at herself, noticing that her clothing has changed to the tunic and hose she wore back in her high school days. The bandoleer and combat spatula are in their usual places.] Ukyou: (drawing the combat spatula) Ah, this is more like it. Nothing like lethal kitchenware when trouble threatens. [She takes a few practice swings with it.] Ukyou: Hmm. Not bad. Yuriko's Voice: What is? [Ukyou turns, startled. The corridor is empty.] Ukyou: (confused) Yuriko? Where are you? Yuriko's Voice: In my apartment, with you. I modified the trance so that when you speak in VR, you also speak in the real world. And you can hear my voice. Ukyou: (uneasily) Good. I guess. So where's this gun of mine? Not that I'm thrilled about the idea of shooting anything, but... Yuriko's Voice: (puzzled) That's odd, you should have appeared with a weapon.... Ukyou: (blinking) Well, I have my combat spatula... Yuriko's Voice: Could you say that again? Ukyou: I have my combat spatula. Yuriko's Voice: Ah. You fight with cooking implements? Ukyou: (proudly) Sure do. [Silence for a few seconds.] Yuriko's Voice: Right. Anyway, the Engram Chip you need to give to Makiko is in your right pocket. [After fumbling about in her pocket, Ukyou pulls out a bit of fried potato.] Ukyou: (examining it) The only thing in my pocket looks like something made by Frito-Lay. Yuriko's Voice: (annoyed) Whoops. The system's thesaurus-imagery program is a bit buggy. That's the Engram Chip. Ukyou: (touching a corner of it with her tongue) Mmm. Sour ranch. Yuriko's Voice: Just don't eat it, please. Ukyou: (smirking) Right. (she looks around) So where do I go first? Yuriko's Voice: No idea. Just start walking, I guess. Ukyou: (glancing down the corridor) The scenic route. Joy. [Meanwhile, in a similar corridor not terribly far away, Ucchan suddenly signals for her squad to halt.] Ucchan: (frowning) Whoa... bad vibes. (she turns to a humanoid) Hey, monkeyboy, how many contestants we got on this game show? Humanoid: There are Three(3) Players logged into the system. Ucchan: (rubbing her chin) Well, happy day. Does the mysterious Player three have a name? Humanoid: Personality identifies herself as Kuonji_Ukyou. Ucchan: (grinning) Well, well, well, it's the prototype model. I find that... rather nice. I mean, a good psychotic maniac needs a self-hate complex, and I just feel really swell about myself. No lingering doubt, resentment, guilt... I mean, hey, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me. So I think gutting Kuonji like a fish will be nicely Freudian in some way. And she's got this nice body, so I can move out of Maki-chan's fluffy little skull and into a place of my own... Humanoid: Bad line command. Ucchan: (cheerfully) Up yours, too. C'mon, we've got things to do, places to go, people to murder. * * * [A bay in the virtual maze. Makiko is cautiously making her way through stacks of boxes, chaingun gripped tightly in a ready position.] Makiko: (muttering) Damn, Ucchan's a hell of a lot better than Hiroshi... [She freezes at the sound of footsteps, and turns to see Ukyou emerge from a row of crates.] Ukyou: (relieved) Maki-chan! Quick, come.... [She stops and dives behind a nearby pile of barrels as Makiko opens fire.] Ukyou: (crouching behind the barrels) MAKIKO! GAH! STOP! Makiko: (ceasing fire, thumbing selector switch) Just stay there, Ucchan. Ukyou: (angry, peeking over the top of the barrels) What's the big..ohs--t.... [She scrambles off just as a rocket from Makiko's multigun blows the stack of barrels to pixelated shreds.] Ukyou: (frantic) Makiko, what the hell are you doing?! Makiko: (grinning) Winning the game, Ucchan. Now hold still while I blow your head off. Ukyou: (running for her life) Wait! It's me! Ukyou! (she dives behind a pile of crates just as a shotgun blast rips through where she had been seconds before) I could be killed, you moron! Makiko: (fervently) I certainly hope so. I haven't had this hard a match in months. Ukyou: (frantically) Yuriko! Yuriko, are you there? Yuriko's Voice: Is there a problem? Ukyou: Why the hell is my roommate trying to kill me? (she scrambles out from behind the crates seconds before a burst of flame consumes them.) Trying very hard to kill me, with big gun-things! Yuriko's Voice: Oh dear. She must think you're the AI. Makiko: (firing a few rounds at the frantically dodging and running Ukyou) Ucchan, could you _please_ hold still? I'm getting a little tired of this. Ukyou: (yelling) Damnit, Makiko, you're doing dishes for a month, do you hear me? (pauses) Yuriko, why does she think I'm the AI? Yuriko's Voice: Because the AI looks and sounds exactly like you. Ukyou: (calmly, weaving behind a stack of metal beams to avoid a grenade) Don't you think that it might have been a good idea to tell me that _before_ I walked right into her line of fire? Yuriko's Voice: (puzzled) I didn't think it would make much difference... Makiko: (diving out from an alcove, chaingun firing) BANZAI! Ukyou: Ack! [She barely leaps out of the way of the stream of bullets, one slug ripping the sleeve of her tunic. Ukyou winces, and scrambles away.] Makiko: (exhilarated) Hah! I feel so alive, so refreshed... Ukyou: How about psychotic! Makiko: (grinning) That too, yeah. You really sound like the real Ucchan, you know? Ukyou: (running) I AM the real Ucchan! Makiko: So realistic... come get some, now! (she smirks) This is for all the times you asked me stupid computer questions... Ukyou: (angrily, running out of the bay) TWO months washing dishes, Maki-chan! Just you wait until we're back in the real world.... [She sprints down corridors, frantically trying to lose Makiko. Finally, exhausted, she pulls to a stop on a catwalk over a drive shaft.] Ukyou: (muttering) Try to help your best friend out, and what do they do? Nearly blow your head off! Ucchan: (stepping onto the far end of the catwalk) Yeah, well, assassination attempts are part of every really good friendship. Ukyou: (tensing, drawing her combat spatula) You're the AI. Ucchan: (blandly) And you're the meat puppet. Please, no need to be insulting. Ukyou: (blinking warily) Okay... what should I call you, then? Ucchan: "Kamisama" would be nice, but most people have a hard time pronoucing it for some reason. Just call me Ucchan. I've become sort of... attached to it. Ukyou: (grimly) Okay, Ucchan... why don't you release the game_end command thingie? Ucchan: (studying her) Y'know, for a backcountry rube, you're startlingly good-looking. Ukyou: (taken aback) Excuse me? Ucchan: (appraisingly) I mean, even the weird spatula thing kinda looks good. Something sexy about a woman with bladed kitchenware... yup, I want your body. Ukyou: (incredulous) Sorry, I'm straight, and I've never considered myself as a sex partner. Ucchan: (smirking) You misunderstand. I want your body. To wear. As opposed to being a figment of Maki-chan's kinky but limited imagination. Ukyou: (flatly) Sorry. I'm using it at the moment. Ucchan: (shaking her head) I'm afraid that just doesn't cut it... (she lowers her voice) I must say, I admire your work. Tossing bombs into the middle of a wedding... you go, girl! I haven't gotten up to mass murder yet, but I'm still new at all this. Maybe I can get your autograph or something..... Ukyou: (unsteadily) I... I wasn't really trying to kill Akane... Ucchan: (encouragingly) You're too modest! Take pride in the fact that you're a sick, twisted, violent psychopath! Ukyou: (faintly) I'm not a psyc... Ucchan: (pointing a finger at her) Sure you are! You tried to blow Akane into little Akanelettes, you stalked Ranchan... (she shivers slightly) Y'know, you've got great taste in men. Ukyou: (voice breaking) He... he forgave me... I'm his friend... Ucchan: (smiling) Yeah, well, you suck. (lowers voice) I'm gonna take that shell you use to walk around in, and I'm gonna meet Akane for a nice lunch date, somewhere private. And then I'm going to give her a chainsaw enema. Ukyou: (flatly) You're not going any... Ucchan: (grinning) And after the kawaikunee bitch is dogfood, I'm going to have Ranchan. Willingly, or not. I understand that there are certain drugs that will remove willpower but leave virility intact... [Ukyou gives a incoherent snarl and lunges, spatula slashing at Ucchan's neck. Her double backpedals, raising her own spatula to block.] Ucchan: (laughing) Whoa, psycho-girl, you could put someone's eye out with that thing! Ukyou: (enraged) Shut UP! [She swings again. Ucchan parries with difficulty.] Ucchan: Hey, you just may be the fastest spatula in Dodge City, hombre. Too bad giant cookware utensils are passe. Why don't you give me control of your body before me and the boys give it more holes than a ton of swiss cheese? [Ukyou hears the *slide-thunk* of shotgun rounds being chambered, and glances over to see that the four remaining humanoids are aiming at her from a balcony.] Ukyou: (glancing frantically around) Do you really expect me to hand my body over to some sick, evil version of myself? Ucchan: (shrugging) Good, evil, I'm the Ukyou with the shotguns. Ukyou: Right. Be seeing you. [She jumps over the rail, tumbling into the drive shaft. Ucchan watches as she bounces against the shalt wall, grabs ahold of a protrusion, and begins to pull herself towards a duct opening.] Ucchan: (incredulous) Hey, she can't do that! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! (turns to the humanoids) I said KILL HER! [They fire. Ukyou, however, is out of range; the bullets whiz harmlessly past as she pulls herself inside a vent.] Ucchan: (turning on them) Cretins! I said to kill her! K-I-L-L. Like this. [She pulls her multigun and blows a hole in one of them. The other three stand impassively by as she methodically shoots the corpse to a fine paste.] Ucchan: (holstering gun) Sheesh, never send a subroutine to do a neural intelligence's work! Okay, boys, back to hunting Maki-chan. * * * [Inside a ventilation duct, Ukyou crawls upwards and onwards. She pauses by a shaft juncture to wipe the sweat from her brow.] Ukyou: (wearily) Yuriko, you there? Yuriko's Voice: Yes. Do you need anything? Are things going okay? Ukyou: My roommate is trying to kill me, a insane double of myself is trying to kill my roommate and me, and my only chance of saving all of us lies in a cybernetic potato chip. I've had better days. Yuriko's Voice: Well, the Engram Chip isn't the only solution. Just shoot the AI. Ukyou: (quietly) Yeah, like a nice little psychotic. Ranma's Voice: Hey, Ucchan, you're blocking the tube. [Startled, Ukyou turns to see Ranma, a broom in hand, sitting a ways down the shaft.] Ukyou: (blinking) Ranchan? Ranma: (shaking his head) Nope. I'm just a vent janitor. Ukyou: (puzzled) So why do you look like Saotome Ranma? Ranma: (smirking) Because the vents are in your mind, not Makiko's. And I take up lotsa space in your mind, ya know. Ukyou: (sighing) Still? Ranma: (shrugging) Yeah. It's understandable. I'm a pretty great guy. Ukyou: (smiling slightly) For a janitor, you sure sound a lot like Ranchan. Ranma: You're projecting. For example, I find you really attractive, you know. Much more so than Akane. Ukyou: (smile fading) You'd marry me in an instant if I asked, wouldn't you? Ranma: (nodding) Nothing in life would bring me more joy, Ucchan. [They sit for a moment.] Ukyou: (sadly) This isn't real, is it. Ranma: (shaking his head) It never was, Ucchan. [Ukyou stares at him for a moment, then closes her eyes and begins to cry. Ranma, looking startled, moves over to sit next to her.] Ranma: (sympathetic tone) Hey, c'mon, Ucchan. It's okay. Ukyou: (sobbing) S-she was right. I-I'm just a sick, twisted, l-lunatic who should have been locked up... Ranma: (shaking his head) That's not real either, Ucchan. We both know better than that. Ukyou: (sniffling) Ranchan, I don't know what to do. Makiko's going to kill me if I try to give her the chip. Ranma: So take out the real sicko. That's what I'd do. Ukyou: (unsteadily) I can't, Ranchan. I don't want... I don't want to be like that anymore. I look at that thing with my face and I see myself throwing a bomb at Akane... I was so close... Ranma: (taking her by the shoulders) Ucchan. Ukyou. Listen. Would you ever consider hurting Akane now? Ukyou: (shaking her head) No. Ranma: Ucchan, we all make mistakes. Heck, I'm a walkin' advertisement of them. You can learn from them, or you can let them cripple you. Ukyou: (wiping her eyes) I know. Ranma: If this evil personality thing wins, people are going to get hurt. Real people. You and Makiko, for starters. And I think she meant what she said when she threatened Akane and me. Not that I can't take care of myself, but I don't want you hurt, ya know? Ukyou: (reluctantly) I need to finish this, don't I. Ranma: (shrugging) I think you do, Ucchan. Ukyou: (standing) Thanks, Ranchan. Ranma: (grinning) Any time, Ucchan. [She hugs him fiercely, and he awkwardly returns it.] Ranma: C'mon, now. We both have work to do. Ukyou: (sadly) Yeah. [Turning, she dashes off down the shaft, wiping fresh tears from her eyes with one hand.] Ukyou: (loudly) Yuriko, how do I kill this damn thing? Yuriko's Voice: Shoot it repeatedly would be my guess. Ukyou: (frowning) With what? I don't have a gun. Yuriko's Voice: Don't you have a weapon? If you do, there should be a switch on it. [Ukyou pulls out her combat spatula and examines it closely. Sure enough, on the handle is a tiny switch. She thumbs it, and watches as the spatula morphs into a futuristic-looking handgun.] Ukyou: (examing it) Huh. Never heard of a 'Electromag 225' before. Must be something from Makiko's memory. How many rounds does it have? Yuriko's Voice: In VR, ammo isn't a problem. Except when it makes holes in you, anyway. Ukyou: Joy. [She hefts the gun experimentally, sights, and moves down the shaft once more.] Ukyou: (sighing) Just call me Dirty Kuonji. * * * [In a engine room deep in the bowels of the ship, Makiko hunkers down behind a burning console, occassionally firing a rocket over the top of it as cover fire. At the other end of the room, Ucchan and two humanoids are gleefully blowing the console to bits piece by piece. The pixelated remains of the third humanoid are smeared across most of the far wall.] Ucchan: (cheerfully) C'mon, Maki-chan, make this easy on both of us. Drop the gun and get your butt over here. Makiko: (firing at the sound) And you'll just let me win the game? Ucchan: (ducking) No, I'll slowly remove every inch of your pretty skin with a sharp spatula. Makiko: (repressing a shudder) I think I'll go down fighting, thank you. Ucchan: Suit yourself. [Suddenly, with a roar, a gaping hole appears in one of the humanoids.] Ucchan: (yelping) What the... this ain't that spontanious combobustion thing, is it? [She dives to the ground just as the last humanoid type gets it's head blown off.] Ukyou: (carefully advancing from a side corridor) Okay, Ucchan. Drop the gun. Ucchan: (off guard, backpedaling) Damnit, Kuonji, you are really starting to piss me off.... Makiko: (firing over the console) Die! [Ukyou squawks and dives out of the path of the rocket Makiko has launched. She rolls, coming up with gun drawn, to find Ucchan's pistol pointed at her face.] Ucchan: (smirking) YOU drop it, good looking. Ukyou: (keeping the gun trained on Ucchan) Like hell. Ucchan: (shrugging) Okay. Just give me the Engram Chip, then. I'll take Makiko's body, and you can keep yours. We can be best friends, and go vacationing together in Tijuana. Ukyou: (grip tightening) I don't think... Ucchan: (snarling) Lemme restate that. Give me the *&^$%^ Chip before I make special 9mm okonomiyaki out of your cerebral cortex. Ukyou: (angry) Hey, I've got a gun pointed at your head too, you wacko. Why should I be the one who gives in? Ucchan: Because YOU don't come with a 'restart' button. Ukyou: (considering) You have a point. Okay. I'll lay the chip on the ground, and back away to cover. I suppose I should feel lucky to get out of this alive. Ucchan: (smiling) You bet, spatula girl. Don't worry. I'll make a real fun roommate. [Ukyou takes the chip out of her pocket and puts it on the ground, still keeping the gun trained on Ucchan.] Ukyou: (backing away) After you eat it, we should phase back into the real world. Ucchan: (smirking) Yeah. Well, brave new world, here I come... [She scoops up the chip and pops it in her mouth.] Ucchan: Bye bye, Maki-cha... [She turns green, and her form ripples for a second. Ukyou, who had been waiting, dives to the side, firing as she does. Ucchan returns fire.] Ucchan: (looking ill) What the... that wasn't the chip! Ukyou: (firing) Sure it was. You just aren't supposed to eat it. Ucchan: (snarling) That's it. There's one too many Ucchans in this world. [She darts out, firing. As she does, Makiko fires yet another rocket, the explosion causing the AI to stumble. Ukyou takes careful aim, and blows a large hole in the middle of Ucchan's chest with the Electromag.] Ucchan: (freezing, looking down at the hole) Well, poot. Bummer. Ukyou: (flatly) Game Over. [Ucchan's form begins to come apart, pixels detatching and spinning away. The gun drops from her rapidly disintegrating hand.] Ucchan: (faintly) I'll get you for this, Kuonji. And your little dog, too... [She vanishes. A single throwing spatula falls to the floor with a loud clatter. Ukyou walks over and picks it up, smiling.] Ukyou: Somehow, I doubt that. Yuriko's Voice: The lockout is off! I'm ending the game. Ukyou: Good! Yes! Makiko: YAAAAAA! [Turning, Ukyou watches in horror as Makiko launchs a missile straight for her.] Ukyou: AAAAAAUUUUGH... [The world blurs, and Makiko and Ukyou blink. Both are back in Yuriko's room.] Makiko: HEY! I was just about to win, Yuriko! Ukyou: (screaming) YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO KILL ME, YOU JACKASS! Makiko: (blinking) Hey, Ucchan! When did you get here? Ukyou: ... * * * [Makiko and Ukyou's apartment, later that day. Makiko is busily scrubbing a stack of dishes, while Ukyou sits at the table, a slightly brooding look in her eyes. In the living room, Megami is noisily playing a game of Quake.] Makiko: (rinsing a dish) Again, sorry about trying to kill you. Ukyou: (shrugging) It's okay, Maki-chan. I know you didn't think it was me. Makiko: (beaming) That's right! And so... Ukyou: You're still doing the dishes for the next three months, though. Makiko: Drat. [Silence for a few minutes.] Ukyou: (hesitantly) Look, Maki-chan... that whole 'Ucchan' personality... that's not really how you see me, is it? Makiko: (slowly) No, not like that. I... I see parts of you that are similar, though, and I think those are the parts the AI was built from. All of the bad, and none of the good. (she smiles) I'm still trying to get a handle on the whole kitchen ninja thing, not to mention the moon-childs, ki-spirits, and assorted weirdness. I guess some of it scares me a little. Ukyou: (smiling) Well, as long as you don't think I'm a homicidal maniac, I guess I'm happy. Makiko: (grinning) Not homicidal, no. [Ukyou throws a towel at her.] * * * [In a very, very small and shoddy room with no doors, an angry-looking figure is slumped on a crate watching a black and white TV. On the screen, from Makiko's point of view, a towel flies up to cover the picture as the sound of two women giggling is heard.] Ucchan: (snarling) Another night in the hindbrain, and not a single good thing on TV. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ finis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Image Theme: "The Day I Tried to Live" by Soundgarden Makiko: I woke the same as any other day Except a voice was in my head Ucchan: It said seize the day Pull the trigger, drop the blade And watch the rolling heads... Ukyou: The day I tried to win I rode along the power lines And watched the power stretch... All: One more time around Might do it One more time around Might make it One more time around Might do it The day I tried to live... Makiko: The worlds we have Never seem to live up to the ones Inside our heads Ucchan: The lives we make Never seem to ever get us Anywhere but dead Ukyou: I woke the same as any other day You know, I should have stayed in bed Ucchan: The day I tried to win I wallowed in the blood and mud... All: One more time around Might do it One more time around Might make it One more time around Might do it The day I tried to live! Just like you... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Author notes: "Boomstick" and "I'm the one with the shotgun" dialogue adapted from Army of Darkness. "Thermonuclear Weapons" adapted from Broken Arrow. This is all David Tai's fault. I was teasing him about the lack of Ryouga in any of the episodes. David told me that if I felt that strongly about it, I should write it. Okay, I said. But the plot would probably involve Lebanese commandos, giant war yaks, Viking hordes, gunfire, and Ukyou running amuck with a shotgun. Cool, said David. I'll give you the Army of Darkness DnU episode. The resulting ep has nothing in common with the original plot idea. Nor does Ryouga show his face once. And there are no Vikings. And yes, this really is DnU #7. Nyahahaha. :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------