It really had been a nice wedding. Most couples pick spring or summer to get married in. You know, bright sun, renewal, all that. But Kasumi and Tofu decided to hold their wedding in the heart of December, when snow covered the city like a white linen sheet. There had been a bit of trouble, initially, with the ceremony rehearsal. Namely, getting the groom to stop gibbering with pleasure at the sight of the bride. Sedating him was out, everyone agreed. Blindfolding him would ruin the wedding, and probably wouldn't be very effective anyway. Ranma's offer to beat some sense into the good doctor was briefly considered, and then rejected. In the end, Kasumi had taken matters into her own hands. "Tofu, can I speak with you?" "C-certainly...K-k-kasumi..." *rip* "Kasumi, that was a new suit..." *rip* "That was your...new...dress..." *GLOMP* "Oh boy...." After that, the doctor was a lot more stable around her. Even if he did have a tendency to blush madly. The actual ceremony was held in the dojo proper. The crests of both families were placed above the doors, streamers were festooned around the rafters, and the floor was covered with petals and confetti. Nabiki had planned the decorations, and had shown a surprising gift at it. The hall had appeared cheerfully tacky and formal at the same time. Yes, it had been a nice wedding. The next few months had been even better. Tofu was in heaven. Kasumi was his wife, his practice was thriving, and every night they...um...nevermind... Kasumi was in heaven. She was married to a devoted husband, she got to baby him _and_ her pregnant little sister, and every night they...um...nevermind... That June, Akane gave birth to a son, Kaneda. Now Kasumi had a nephew to dote on. She enjoyed this. So did her nephew. Then, one fine day in January, Kasumi went to visit Ranma and Akane. * * * "I made you lunch." Ranma turned pale. Marriage to Akane was...well...wonderful. He loved her, she loved him, the sex was...um...nevermind... But every once in a while, Akane would make a Grave Mistake and attempt to cook. There were usually warning signs. Cookbooks would appear. Julia Child would be taped. Akane would return home with a new crock pot. A stream of mice would be seen running out of the basement as fast as their feet could carry them. Not this time, though. Not only was it completely unexpected, but it was only minutes before Kasumi was supposed to arrive. Ranma loved Kasumi like a sister, and really didn't want to spend her visit in the bathroom retching. So he did what he imagined was the smart thing, and ran, muttering a excuse about "wasn't that Ryoga, gosh, I think it is, I'm gonna go talk to him.." Akane, not being stupid, ran after him. Much to Ranma's relief, she brought her mallet and Kaneda, but not the lunch. While they were out, Kasumi arrived. * * * "Hello? Is anybody there?" Kasumi pushed the door slowly open, looking around the living room. Neither Ranma, Akane, nor Kaneda was in sight. "Hello?" No answer. Strange. Maybe, she speculated, they were in some other part of the house. There was a metal panel set into the wall, with a voice grill, button, and twinkly lights. An intercom! She thumbed the button. "Hello? Ranma? Akane?" * * * Akane, after her pregnancy, had been concerned about home security. "We want Kaneda safe, right?" "Well, yeah, but we have a home security system. It's called us." "But what if we're out? What if we're asleep? What if you're sick? What if.." "You're overreacting, dear." The sound of carnage was heard. "...uhhhhh..." "I think we should buy a security system. One of those fancy new "Instant Fortress" machines." "Fine...fine...argh....just call Doctor Tofu, will ya?" The machine was installed, placed next to the door, and forgotten. * * * "Hello? Ranma? Akane?" ">please stare your identity<" Kasumi peered at the voice grill. "Ranma? Is that you? What room are you in?" ">please state your identity now<" "It's me, Kasumi. Who is this?" ">subject 'Kasumi' not in user file. you will state your purpose<" Kasumi frowned. "I'm here to visit." That certainly didn't sound like Ranma or Akane. "Is this a recording?" ">define parameters of 'visit'<" "I'm going to take Kaneda-chan for a walk. Are you the answering service?" ">you intend to remove subject Kaneda from this building?<" "Yes. I was thinking maybe the park..." ">SECURITY ALERT!<" "Oh my!" ">kidnapping in progress! authorities has been notified! locking down house!<" "What? What?" ">this terminal is shutting down to prevent tampering<" The panel lights flickered and died. "Oh dear..." Kasumi turned to leave, and found the door closed. And locked. From the outside. A swift check of the windows found that they had been locked as well. Kasumi sighed, and headed into the kitchen. At least she could make lunch for when they got back. * * * In the dark recesses of Ranma's lunchbox, something stirred. Two glowing red eyes...if you could call them that...opened. A crude sensory organ akin to a nose sniffed the air. It had started out as a chicken salad. Then it had been mashed in with a beefbowl. But it wasn't until the addition of the Uncle Yogger's Extra Zesty Original Old-Fashioned Mexi-Pep Cajun Red Hot Sauce that the bits of DNA decided to recombine into a new life form, a life form far nastier and terrible that the average chicken salad. It was hungry. It smelled another living thing. Close by. Larger than it, but chicken salad/beefbowl things laugh at size. It was hungry. The other living thing would do quite nicely as a snack. * * * Kasumi hummed her usual mindlessly happy tune as she made sandwiches. Her heart wasn't really in it though, which was alarming in and of itself. She was nervous. Kasumi never got nervous. It wasn't normal. It was, in fact, at least as abnormal as water suddenly ceasing to be wet. The security system had rattled her a bit, and now... Now, she felt someone was watching her. And not in a nice way. On a sudden impulse, she grabbed the nearby toaster and swept it around in a wide, sweeping arc, attempting to brain whoever it was she felt leaping out at her. It missed completely, which, considering nothing was attacking her, wasn't very surprising. Kasumi brought the toaster down, feeling rather foolish. And that's when the Thing jumped out of Ranma's lunchbox at her, all three sets jaws snapping. Luckily for her, the Thing's leg muscles hadn't quite finished attaching themselves to its brain, and the nerve impulses sent to them came in a bit too strong. Soaring over Kasumi's head, it became one with the spice rack. "Oh dear," said Kasumi, and ran like hell. The Thing peeled itself off the rack and, after pausing to sort out its appendages, stalked after her. Kasumi was, while trying to keep out to the reach of the culinary horror behind her, trying to find an appropriate expression to wear. "Mild Annoyance" didn't seem right, "Shock" was really no good for a continued encounter, and "How nice!" was right out. She really wished she knew how to do "Blind Panic," which fitted her current mood perfectly. The Thing didn't bother with expressions. It had only one mood, which was "Ravenous, Bloodthirsty Hunger," and that mood was permanently stamped on what might count as a face if you're using the term loosely. When faced with a pursuer, humans instinctively flee upwards. This, they say, is due to racial memory of being a furry snack who's best chance to avoid becoming brunch for some carnivore was to make a jump for the trees at the slightest provocation. It is thus interesting to note that Kasumi, upon reaching the stairs, headed down to the laundry room. Where she found a dead end. Listening to the noise of the Thing scrabbling down the staircase, Kasumi concocted a hasty plan. If it worked, she might be safe. If it didn't...well, maybe the funeral would be a nice one. A snarl, and it was in the doorway, leaping, claws dripping a caustic soy sauce... At the last moment, Kasumi ducked. The Thing sailed over her and into the open washing machine. As it turned, she slammed shut the door. Now let's see.... She set the knit to Really Thick Wool and the heat to Very Hot, filled the cup with bleach, and put it into the spin cycle. Then, noting the dents beginning to appear in the washing machine door, she fled upstairs. That should hold it for a few minutes, she thought, but not for much longer. She need to do something, and quickly... Her gaze flickered frantically about the living room, trying to find something useful. A bookshelf...Akane's weights...coffee table...Home Network Terminal.... Hmm. By the year 2000, the TV, computer, and several other appliances had been merged into one unit. The Terminals could be used for email, web browsing, home shopping... Kasumi knew all this. She had, however, never used one before in her life. "Terminal on." "I need something to defend myself, please." "Some horrible beefbowl thing's trying to hunt me down, and I need a weapon..." "Oh, goodness me..." Images of several large, high-powered devices appeared on the screen. Kasumi stared in blank incomprehension. "Oh dear..." A roar of rage and pain came from below. "I'll take the biggest one you have, please." "Yes...account number 555-555-2323...deliver to this terminal." Kasumi waited for the *slidehiss* noise of the mail shunt receiving a package, and opened it. Cutting away the shipping foam, she took out...well...it was obviously a gun of some sort. With a roll of ammunition, and instructions on how to load it. How clever, she marveled, and how convenient that you could get this sort of thing through the mail! * * * "Freeze!" Police poured into the warehouse, catching the startled arms dealers by surprise. A quick search of the billing records revealed that the latest one to trigger the secret access flag was one Kasumi Tendo, only seconds before. The address was recorded, and given to the Tokyo Main Police Computer, who reported that units were already converging on the house...apparently the security system had reported a kidnapping, and while the system was prone to make mistakes, a routine check was required. The Computer quickly advised the responding units that a unlikely kidnapping had just turned into a likely hostage situation, and to get moving. * * * The Thing raced up the stairs, bright, lemon-scented, and angry. Dryer sheets did _not_ taste good, and the other living thing was going to _suffer_ before being devoured... "Maa, eat lead." The Armageddon 23000 cradled in both hands, Kasumi opened fire. *whoosh*BLAM* The grenade took out most of the doorframe, and the stream of high-explosive rounds shredded the wall. The Thing took a second to make sure it was still alive, and ran. Kasumi grimly stalked after it. * * * "Think it's anything?" "Naw, it's nothin'. These security systems give false alarms all the time, especially the older AIs. And no terrorist would be dumb enought to order a weapon banned in almost every country in the world and not have the address wiped on delivery..." A stream of bullets raked through the house's windows, neatly blowing the top off the approaching police car. "SHIT! My hat!" "Central, this is Car 54, get us backup NOW...." * * * Kasumi blew the smoke from the barrel and stared at the wreckage of the kitchen. It was in here somewhere... There we go...movement.... * * * "Okay, boys...here we go...remember, there might be hostages, and I don't want any civilians killed..." * * * Kasumi frowned. The shape through the doorway seemed somehow bigger...it was growing! No, it was preparing to spilt into more monsters! She was all that stood between the world and a invasion of Chicken Salad from Hell! Kill it before it multiplied! Setting the Armageddon 23000 to full automatic, she opened fire, unusual amounts of adrenaline coursing through her. * * * "DOWN! DOWN!" The SWAT team hit the dirt as a fusillade of bullets shredded the wall behind them. A grenade soared over them a second later, reducing yet another wall to rubble. "Damnit, that's it! Open fire!" * * * Kasumi ran, a hail of bullets following her. The creature seemed to have gained a weapon. Well, she wasn't going to go down without a fight. She was actually beginning to enjoy herself. Ducking behind the remains of the dining room table, she squeezed off another burst. * * * Around a table, a group of men in dark clothing stared intently at a clock. "He is late! We should have been notified of the target by now!" "Perhaps he is stuck in traffic?" "Perhaps he has overslept?" "It is possible...." One of their number, a submachinegun gripped in one hand, listened anxiously to a police-band radio. "#...the situation?" "#Heavy weapon of some sort, dunno about *BOOM* SHIT! Cover!....dunno about hostages...I thought I *BLAM* damnit! saw a girl in an apron...." "Comrades! Come listen!" They did. "Could it be him?" "Who else could it be!" "Hurry! We shall join him, and with the hostages he has taken usher in a new era of Marxist-Stalinist Democracy for the glory of Allah!" "Tremble, western capitalist infidels, for Scarlet People's Glorious Revolutionary Jihad rides to the aid of our leader!" * * * "Hello, General Demay here." "#General, we have a Situation. " "Oh? Chinese invading? Don't you little fellas worry, I'll have the bombers in the air in six minu..." "#No, General, it's not the Chinese. There's a terrorist attack going on in Nerima, and we were wondering if..." "TERRORISTS? Damn un-american pinkos, no doubt! Don't you worry, I'll have the marines there in six minutes!" "#No, General, we just wanted you to inform your coun.." *click* "Sergeant! Get me Major Vedd on the horn. Tell him I'm gonna need a division of tanks...oh, and how many choppers do we have on standby?" * * * Ranma and Akane arrived home to find the house rather different than they'd left it. For one thing, it wasn't there anymore. It had been replaced, along with the nearby buildings, by a rubble-choked crater. American Marines stood at the edges of it, while tanks rumbled by. A decontamination team, radiation suits covering them, was busily scouring away the traces of the tacnuke that had gone off in the dining room. Ranma stared. Akane began to turn red. Kaneda gurgled happily. "RANMA........" "It's not my fault! Honest! It's not my fault!" An official, noticing the pair, walked over. "Are you the Saotomes?" Ranma turned. "Yeah...what happened to our house?" "The Scarlet People's Glorious Revolutionary Jihad took a hostage there, and got into a shootout with police. Then the Americans arrived. Then the Iranian commandos arrived to go after the Americans. Then the Mossad tried to get the Iranians, which brought Hamas into the affair. And then some cat-thing from Mishima got loose and blundered into it." "Oh. I hope the policy covers this." "I wouldn't worry. The Americans have volunteered to pay for rebuilding the place, and will put you up in a five-star hotel until it's finished." "That's...very generous of them..." "Oh, they're in a very good mood. Global terrorism lost a lot of its most dangerous people today." "That's good, I suppose...." "Shame about Kasumi Tendo, though..." "WHAT?" yelled Akane and Ranma. "Is Oneechan all right? She's okay, yes?" "If anything's happened to Kasumi, I'm gonna..." The official cleared his throat. "She's in custody at the moment. Apparently there's some confusion over whether she was a hostage or a terrorist." "..." * * * Kasumi Tendo was found guilty on several counts of international terrorism, and was sentenced to fifteen years in a maximum security prison. She was out in six months for good behavior. Actually, the warden and guards had threatened to mutiny if she wasn't released as soon as possible. She got cards from them and the inmates every Christmas. Life returned to normal, more or less. Except for one little thing. Kasumi was afraid to cook. The mere sight of ingredients would start her shaking. And so, it fell upon Tofu to prepare the family's meals. Sadly, he was only slightly better than Akane at this, and failed to improve with practice. Kasumi felt extremely guilty over her inability to take care of her husband. Tofu was embarrassed at the ineptness of his cooking, unhappy over the poor diet he and Kasumi were getting, and worried about his wife's new hobby, which seemed to be reading gun magazines and manuals. Both, in fact, were feeling a bit annoyed at it all, and were looking for something to blame it on. Then the invitation came.