(Lights come on upon a empty stage. A gong sounds, and an assortment of people troop in.) Ranma and Ryoga: The threatened cloud has passed away, Akane and Ukyo: And brightly shines the dawning day; Tsung and Saburo: What though the night may come too soon, Shampoo and Kodachi: There's yet a month of afternoon! Kuno, Kasumi, and Tofu: Then let the throng... Genma, Soun, and Hasigawa: Then let the throng our joy advance, Nabiki: With laughing song... All: With laughing song and merry dance. (They glare at each other, bow to the audience, and stalk off.) EPISODE 1 - A Suitable Case For Treatment (We open on a business complex in Nerima. The camera pans inside, stopping before a door labeled, "Dr. Hasigawa, Psychiatric Therapy". Inside, Ukyo is lying on a couch talking to a elderly man in steel-rimmed glasses.) Ukyo: (depressed voice) And then he just walked away. Right in the middle of my "Oh thank you for saving me" speech. To check on Akane. (her voice grows bitter) Always Akane. (Flashback to the end of Varaiyah 8) Ranma: (addressing the room) You, guards! Surrender, or the Warlord dies! (The guards think this over, and stop fighting. Ranma walks over and unties Ukyo.) Ukyo: Ranchan! I knew you'd come for me! I knew... (She suddenly realizes that she's talking to his back; Ranma has gone over to check on Akane.) Ukyo: ..... Ranma: You okay, Akane? (Flashback ends. The man in the glasses kindly hands Ukyo a hanky to wipe her eyes with.) Ukyo: I was the one being held prisoner! For all he knew I could have been tortured, or ravished, or...or... He didn't even ask! Not even a, "You okay?", or "Are you hurt?". He just cut the ropes, and off he went. (pleading tone) Why, Dr. Hasigawa? Why didn't he ask? Hasigawa: (gently, slight Germanic accent) Why do you think? Ukyo: (automatically) He was trying to impress Mr. Tendo with his concern... (Hasigawa shakes his head and presses a button on his desk, causing an electrical jolt to run through the couch. Ukyo yelps and leaps a little, then turns to glare at him.) Ukyo: Is that really necessary? Hasigawa: Now, now, do not try to change the subject. What is the real reason Ranma went to check on Akane instead of you? Ukyo: He loves her. (her eyes widen as she realizes what she just said) No, that's not what I meant.... Hasigawa: Isn't it? (Ukyo thinks for a bit, then sags.) Ukyo: (low tone) I guess it is. Hasigawa: (straightening) There's something I want you to try. I want you to go on a date tomorrow. Ukyo: (puzzled) Doctor, I've been trying to get a date with Ranchan for quite a while now.... Hasigawa: Not with Ranma. With someone else. Find some nice boy, go to a movie, have fun. Ukyo: But... Hasigawa: No buts. (sighs) Ukyo, you need to realize that this Ranma is not the only eligible male in the world. Go on a date. If nothing else, you'll probably get a free movie and a dinner out of it. Ukyo: (hesitantly) I suppose so....(her voice hardens) I will! I'll go out, have a good time, and knock some lucky guy's socks off! Hasigawa: Good. You've been making quite a bit of progress, Miss Kuonji. Hopefully we won't see anything like the Incident With The Poodles again. How did that turn out, by the way? Ukyo: The judge let me off with a warning, and I had to pay for the damaged chainsaw and garden hose. Hasigawa: Well, that's all behind you. I think we're done for today. Same time Thursday? Ukyo: Sure. (She stands, walks towards the door, and suddenly turns, remembering something.) Ukyo: Oh, Soun Tendo was going to stop by later today for his first appointment. Hasigawa: Tendo....ach ja, he called just before you came to confirm. Thank you for recommending me. Ukyo: (shaking her head) The man needs help, Doctor. I hope you can give it to him. (her expression turns curious) By the way, Doctor....which country were you born in? Switzerland? Germany? Austria? Hasigawa: (puzzled) In Japan, of course. Ukyo: Then where were you raised? Hasigawa: Osaka. Ukyo: But your accent.... Hasigawa: Oh, that. That's from my mother. Ukyo: Where was she from? Hasigawa: Hokkaido. Ukyo: Never mind. (Scene changes to the Tendo living room. Ranma and Akane are seated at the shogi board, playing a game. Judging from the smirk on Akane's face and the amount of sweat on Ranma's brow, the game isn't going well for him. Nabiki is artistically sprawled across most of the sofa, reading the newspaper.) Ranma: Um......there! (moves a piece) Ha! Whaddya say to that, Akane? Akane: (moving a piece) "I win" sounds like a good response. Care for another game? Nabiki: (looking up) You just started playing three turns ago! Ranma, you have a true talent here. I've never seen anyone lose with such poise, speed, and certainty. Akane: (kindly) Don't worry about it, Ranma. You just need a bit of practice. Ranma: (muttering, embarrassed) I've bmnf plfsfing singhm wms thmghf... Nabiki: Come again? Ranma: (louder) I've been playing since I was four. Akane: (aback) Oh dear....well, you must not have played often, then... Ranma: (looking really embarrassed) Actually, me and Pop used to play for two minutes every day after dinner, until we came here. Akane: Well, that must be it. If you only played for about two minutes, you must not have ever played any full games. Ranma: They were all full games. Two minutes was all it took for Pop to beat me. Akane: You're joking. I don't think it's possible for someone to lose that fast..... Ranma: (morosely) That's right, rub it in... Nabiki: (cheerfully) Don't take it so hard, Ranma. I lose all the time at games like that, with one or two exceptions... Akane: (snorts) Yeah. She always wins at Monopoly, and for some reason she never seems to lose a game that she's bet money on. Nabiki: (shrugging) Motivation is a wonderful thing....(Turns back to the newspaper) Hmm. Looks like the dockworkers are still on strike. They refuse to go back to work until someone gets rid of that animal that's been prowling the docks. (Ranma turns pale.) Akane: (skeptically) It's been three weeks since they reported that thing. Hasn't anyone tried to do something about it? Nabiki: The police refuse to go anywhere near it, and the Army has been saying that it's too small a problem for them to bother with, and then turns around and insists that they aren't equipped with heavy enough ordinance to deal with it. I believe that the whole thing's been handed over to animal control. Ranma: Just as long as that damn cat never comes within a mile of me. Akane: (scoldingly) You can't still think it's Felix, can you? That kawaii little kitty? She wouldn't hurt a fly! Ranma: (shudders) Tell that to Ryoga. You saw what it did to him, on the ship... Nabiki: (interrupting) Where is Ryoga, anyway? He hasn't tried to kill you in days... Ranma: He went on some sorta training journey. He's just too scared of Felix and Kasumi to stay in Nerima right now. Akane: (puzzled) Why on earth is he scared of Kasumi, anyway? That makes even less sense that being scared of a cat. Ranma: She _did_ almost kill me a few weeks ago, ya know.... Akane: Ranma, you know that wasn't her fault. Nabiki: (shuddering) That's for sure. Trust me, it was like becoming a whole different person. And she did apologize afterwards.... Akane: Besides, Ryoga never even saw Kasumi while she was under the tea's influence. Now, I could understand why P-chan would be scared of her. That would make sense. But Ryoga...(she shakes her head) Nabiki: Perhaps P-chan is really Ryoga with a Jusenkyo curse. Heck, that's it! Ranma probably knocked him in, which is why Ryoga wants to kill him, and Ranma is keeping quiet about it because he feels guilty. (Silence. Ranma looks at Nabiki in horror, while Akane, her eyes unreadable, stares at her sister.) Ranma: Um....er, I can explain... (Suddenly Nabiki and Akane break into peals of hysterical laughter.) Akane: (giggling) Good one, oneechan. Ryoga P-chan...(she starts laughing again) Nabiki: (wiping her eyes) And some people say I don't have a sense of humor. Ranma: (relieved) Uh, yeah. Haha! That was really, um, funny. Um. Nabiki: (winking at him) Glad you enjoyed it so much. (As Ranma gives her an uncertain look, Kasumi, clad in her usual spotless apron, emerges from the kitchen with a plate of cookies. The Happy-Kasumi expression is firmly in place, and grows brighter as she sees the trio's eyes light up in anticipation.) Kasumi: (placing the plate on the coffee table) Enjoy. Just make sure you have room left for dinner. (Ranma makes a quick grab for the cookies, and mutters his thanks around a mouthful.) Akane: Um, Oneechan, what will you be making tonight? Kasumi: (brightening) I thought sweet and sour pork would... (Akane, Nabiki, and Ranma groan in dismay.) Ranma: Kasumi, *chew* your cooking's great and all, but this is like the 23rd day in a row that you've *swallow* made some kind of pig for dinner. Kasumi: (smiling but puzzled) I thought you liked ham... Nabiki: We do, and your food is always wonderful... Ranma: ...and unlike Akane's, never becomes sentient... (Akane absentmindedly punches him in the stomach, doubling him over.) Nabiki: (continuing) ...but there is such a thing as too much. We'd just like a change. Akane: Besides, it isn't always the best choice for a meal. Like the time daddy had that friend of his over for dinner. Kasumi: (puzzled) The glazed ham I made for them was very nice, I thought... Nabiki: (exasperated) Oneechan, the man was an ordained Rabbi. Kasumi: (slightly crestfallen) Oh. Well, I suppose I could make chicken tonight instead... Akane: (politely) Could you? Please? (Kasumi pauses for a second, then laughs.) Kasumi: Of course I will. I have a few recipes for chicken that I've wanted to try out for some time now, anyway. Nabiki: Thanks, oneechan. (Kasumi nods, and turn to face Ranma, who is lying folded over on the floor clutching his stomach.) Kasumi: (reprovingly) I'm glad you like my cookies, Ranma, but you've got to learn to eat slower if you don't want to get stomachaches. (She starts to leave, then turns around.) Kasumi: I'm going to run down to the store. Could you three make sure Daddy leaves for his appointment with the doctor on time? Nabiki: (sighing) Yeah, sure. Maybe we can even get Mr. Saotome to walk him down there. Kasumi: (brightening) Oh, what a good idea! Daddy's very nervous about this, you know... Akane: Trust me, we know. I have no idea why... Nabiki: He needs it, though. I haven't seen him break down with such frequency since mom...(she pauses)...well, he's been under a lot of stress lately. Kasumi: (clucking) He does worry so....well, have fun. Ranma, there's a bottle of the pink stuff in the medicine cabinet if you want. Ranma: (gasping for air) Ungh.... (Scene changes to a empty stretch of concrete road leading through a barren desert. The dry wind blows clouds of dust across the plain, and the occasional ball of tumbleweed rolls past. The camera pans further up the road, where a familiar looking fellow in a yellow and black bandanna trudges onward.) Ryoga: Must...find...water... (He stops before a wooden sign, and bends down to read it. It says, in large print, "WELCUM TOO BEUTIFULL MUCCAWINNA. POP. 2300(crossed out) 1823(crossed out) 1230 AN STILL GROWING!") Ryoga: At last! A center of civilization in this benighted wilderness of (he pulls out a map and checks it) Kyushu. (he frowns) I didn't know Japan had any deserts..... (He shrugs, and continues on his way. As he walks off, a large ball of tumbleweed blows away, revealing another sign behind it. This one reads, "DON'T LET THE SUN SET ON YER HEAD IN MUCCAWINNA, (a long list of derogatory ethnic terms follows), OR ELSE.") Ryoga: I wonder why the sign was in English......maybe there's an American military base here. (He crests a hill, and stops. The town of Muccawinna lies below, boasting three brick buildings, two Model T's, and a few dozen decrepit wooden structures in various states of collapse.) Ryoga: (dubiously) Not much of a place...I'll just get a drink, ask for directions, and be on my way. (his eyes harden) I shall conquer my fear of Kasumi, defeat Ranma, and claim Akane! And then, I shall get rid of that _thing_ roaming the docks! (he pauses) Well, maybe not that. Mustn't get unrealistic. (he gets a dreamy look) Akane will marry me, and we'll have lots of children, and a big house..... (He walks down the hill and enters the town proper. The locals, dressed in overalls, jeans, denim, stetsons, and cowboy boots, stare at him in a unfriendly fashion. Ryoga gives them all a polite smile and a nod, and walks on. Passing an newspaper stand showing the day's headline ("Lindbergh Lands in Paris!"), he stops before an elderly man sitting on a bench.) Ryoga: (politely, in English) Excuse me, sir. Do you know the way to a place of refreshment? Old Man: Whut? Whuzzat? Ryoga: I'm sorry? Old Man: Whut d'yew whant? Ryoga: I'm looking for a place to get a drink. (The old man deliberates for a while, popping a piece of tobacco in his mouth and chewing it loudly and noisily while staring at him. Finally, the man spits a stream of tobacco juice onto Ryoga's shoes and points down the street.) Old Man: Saloon's ovur thut way. Ryoga: (stiffly) Thank you. (He walks over to the indicated building, and enters. The buzz of noise and raucous laughter in the bar cuts off as soon as he opens the door, and the clientele slowly turn to stare at him. Undaunted, Ryoga walks up to the bartender.) Ryoga: One soda, please. (The bartender just stares at him. Three locals get up from their seats and walk over.) Local 1: Yew ain't from around these parts, are yew, boy? Local 2: Course he ain't, Jim-Bob. Heck, we know everyone in taown, an we'da seen him long fore this. 'Less ocourse he's the guy thut Joe-Ted's bin keeping locked up in the attic... Local 1: Ah know, John-Tim, but yewr supposed tew ask them that. It's parta the routine. Local 3: Mah turn. (he turns back to Ryoga) We don't go fer yewr kind round these parts. Local 1: (admiringly) Thut wuz perfect, Jean-Claude. Beutiful inflection, just the right hint o' menace, an uh wonderful looming pose. Local 3: Thank yew. I bin practising. Ryoga: (politely) I liked it too. (The three stare at him for a few seconds.) Local 1: Wanna lynch him? Local 2: Yup. Local 3: Let's make it quick, though. Ah gots mah poetry reading in half an hour. Bartender: The rope's out back, boys. An bury the body this time, ain't healthy tew just leave it lyin around. (They close in on Ryoga, who looks puzzled.) Ryoga: Did I do something wrong? Local 2: Yew gonna squeal lak uh pig afore we git done wit you, boy... (Ryoga's eyes go hard, and the blue aura comes on.) Ryoga: (quietly) Did you just call me a pig? Local 1: Hell yeah! Yah know, he really duz look lak uh pig. Lookit that face... Local 3: An the shape uh him, jus lak uh porker... Ryoga: (glowing) IT WAS A MISTAKE TO MAKE ME UNHAPPY! (Switch to a hill outside the town. Two dour faced sheep ranchers are staring down at the town with impassive expressions.) Rancher 1: It's hot. Hot day. (The other man considers this.) Rancher 2: Yup. Ryoga's Voice: (from a distance) Chaos Butterfly Weather Point! (The sky, previously clear, suddenly fills with dark storm clouds. A huge funnel cloud forms over the bar, and bolts of lightning blast down upon the hapless structure.) Rancher 2: Looks like rain. Rancher 1: (after deliberation) Yup. (With a thunderous roar, a aurora borealis style plasma discharge blasts down into the bar, sending shockwaves blasting through the town. When the dust clears, half the town has collapsed, and Ryoga is standing in the middle of the wreckage of the bar, untouched.) Rancher 1: (spitting profoundly) Them aliens again. Rancher 2: Third time this month. Rancher 1: They took five of my sheep last time. Almost fergot to pay, too. Rancher 2: Was that Um-Gonxyt and his boys? Rancher 1: Naw, it was Tfghxyyyt from the cloud nebula. Rancher 2: (spitting) I don't do business with them cloud nebula folks. Almost as bad as Californians. Ryoga: (blinking) Whoops. Need to learn a bit of control. Local 1: (blackened and pinned under a timber) Ah'll say... Ryoga: Soon Ranma....you will fall, and Akane shall be mine! MUAHAHAHAHA (he stops, looking a bit embarrassed) Um. Sorry. (Scene changes to a room in the Kuno mansion. Kodachi and Shampoo are seated in front of a Maj-Jongg board, playing a game.) Shampoo: Look at bright side, Ko-chan. Kodachi: What bright side? Ranma's not attached to either of us, Tendo and Kuonji are still sucking in air, and my brother has stepped up his picture orders from that little blackmail artist, Nabiki. Not to mention the homicidal cat-thing roaming the docks. The expedition wasn't exactly a resounding success, dear. Shampoo: Yes, but wrinkled pervert and lost guy gone.....have not seen stupid Mousse for weeks, either. Peace and quiet a good thing, no? Kodachi: It's rather unusual, yes....Shampoo, can I ask you something? Shampoo: Shoot. Kodachi: You're a reasonably intelligent, adaptable person. Why do you talk like that? Shampoo: (surprised) Like what? Kodachi: In broken Japanese. I mean, you've been making the same basic grammatical errors since we've met. Shampoo: (puzzled) I talk perfect Japanese, Ko-chan. Bought tape when first decided to come, practiced every day. Tape made by Japanese firm, too. Kodachi: (frowning) Can I hear it? (Shampoo shrugs, and removes a cassette from her pocket. Kodachi walks over to a stereo, inserts it, and hits play.) Tape: (<> indicates Chinese) "Me want fruit basket." <"I'm afraid I don't know."> "Not know that" <"Please fondle my..."> (Kodachi turns the tape off. She looks upset.) Kodachi: Cretins! They gave you a pidgin Japanese course! Shampoo: (aback) You mean....that not formal Japanese? Kodachi: No! It's stereotyped Chinese-Person-Trying-To-Speak- Japanese speech! Didn't you ever wonder why none of the rest of us spoke like that? Shampoo: (dazed) I thought was local dialect or something....OH NO! Kodachi: (concerned) What is it, dear? Shampoo: (upset) Ranma! Ko-chan, he must think Shampoo is idiot! Kodachi: No problem. I'll teach you myself. Shampoo: (dubiously) You? Kodachi: Me. I'm an excellent teacher. Watch. (snaps her fingers) WALTER! Front and center! (A servant scurries into the room.) Servant: You called, Mistress Kuno? Kodachi: Memorize the entire text of _The Tale of Genji_ by tonight. Or else. Servant: (turning pale) Yes, Mistress Kuno. (He scurries off.) Kodachi: He will, too. You just have to learn how to motivate people. We'll have you speaking flawless Japanese before the week is out! (The scene changes back to the Tendo living room. Akane, Nabiki, and Genma are trying to get a sobbing Soun ready for his appointment.) Soun: (tearfully) You look after Akane now, Nabiki - make sure she dresses warmly... Nabiki: Daddy, it's the middle of summer, Akane can dress herself, and you'll only be gone half an hour. Now pull yourself together. Akane: (soothingly) You'll only be gone for a bit, and then you can come right home, and Kasumi will make you dinner. Soun: (snapping back to reality for a second) Not pork again, I hope... Genma: What's wrong with pork? Love it. Nabiki: We had a talk with Kasumi, Daddy. She's making chicken tonight. Soun: Chicken....(he bursts into tears) Akane (whispers to Nabiki) Don't mention chicken! It's one of his sore points, remember? Nabiki: (whispering back) It is? Akane: (slightly annoyed) Yes! (pulls out about two dozen sheets of paper and hands then to Nabiki) It's #723. Didn't you read this month's list? Nabiki: (abashed) Sorry. Genma: (slapping Soun roughly on the back) Buck up, Tendo-kun. We'll go see this shrink, then go get blasted. Soun: (brightening) Okay... (The two leave. Akane turns to Nabiki, looking serious.) Akane: I've never seen him this bad, Nabiki. He breaks down crying at the slightest little things, he's overprotective, he almost never leaves the dojo anymore... Nabiki: (sadly) He was worse right after we lost mom...you were too young to really understand...he would just practice katas over and over, then suddenly run to see if we were all right, almost hysterical. You and Kasumi brought him out of it eventually...you still needed him, and Kasumi just kept everything running and acted like everything would be okay...(her voice breaks for a second)...and I kept the place afloat financially. (The two sit in silence for a moment.) Akane: But why has he been going downhill? Nabiki: That's what I hope the doctor will be able to tell us. My own guess is that the parade of kidnappings, homicidal suitors, and dangers to us has something to do with it. Let's face it, that kind of thing would make any father a bit paranoid. Akane: (grimacing) It's no fun from my standpoint either. Nabiki: (poking Akane playfully) Just think of it as flattery. (Scene changes to Ukyo's tiny apartment in back of Ucchan's. Ukyo is sitting in the overstuffed chair, going over a ledger.) Ukyo: (tossing it down) A date. I need a date. Who do I know who's male and single? (She leans back and folds her hands, thinking.) Ukyo: Kuno? He's cute, but he's got an ego the size of the US national debt. No. Ryoga? Out of town, and I believe I'd rather rub lemon juice in a cut than date him. Tsubasa? (she breaks into hysterical laughter) Right. Mousse? Nice, if slightly goofy, but I'd never get him to go along with it as long as he still thinks he has a chance with Shampoo. Gosunkugi? (she shudders) That's a definite no. Keiichi? Wrong series. Hmm. This might be harder than I thought.... (Scene changes to the Great Hall in Varaiyah. Tsung, looking lordly and disinterested, is sitting on the ornate throne. Suddenly, a disembodied tinkling, as if many small bells were ringing, echos through the hall. The courtiers and servants look around fearfully.) Servant: What is that noise? A spirit? A demon? (Tsung removes a cell phone from his robes and snaps it open. The hall gives a sign of relief.) Tsung: You have reached His Dread Potentness, the Warlord of Varaiyah. Who has the privilege of speaking with Us? Phone: (hesitantly) Hi...you probably don't remember, but you held me prisoner and threatened me with torture unless I became your concubine a few weeks back...anyway, what are you doing next Saturday? END OF EPISODE 1 EPISODE 2 - Opportunity Breaks Down The Door. (Scene opens on a small cafe in Nerima. Kuno is sitting in a booth, sipping tea and radiating a calm impatience. Nabiki enters and sits down across from him.) Nabiki: Hi. Kuno: Good afternoon. (They look at each other for a second.) Nabiki: (thinking) Kuno: (thinking) Nabiki: So how's tricks, Kuno-baby? Kuno: I am well. And how can you serve me today? Nabiki: (thinking) Kuno: (thinking) Nabiki: Photos, Kuno. Photos. Good ones. Only 5000 yen apiece, too. Kuno: An outrageous sum. I shall not pay it. (Nabiki leans over the table and whispers something in his ear. Kuno's eyes go wide.) Kuno: (stammering) Pink ones? (Nabiki nods. Kuno, with an effort, regains control of himself.) Kuno: Indeed. Very well, I suppose your price is acceptable. Nabiki: (smirking) I thought so. I think I'll have the beefbowl. You'll pay for it, of course. Kuno: (wincing) Of course. Nabiki: (thinking) Kuno: (thinking) (Camera pans to the booth behind them. Ranma-chan, in sunglasses and a large-brimmed, tiger-striped hat, is looking rather annoyed.) Ranma: (muttering) I thought so. Time for a friendly little chat with Nabiki. (Scene changes to Ucchan's. The restaurant is full of customers, but Ukyo seems less than happy. In fact, she seems downright irritated.) Ukyo (thinking) (aloud) Where on earth am I going to find a date before Thursday? Voice: Um...hello? You're looking for a date? (Ukyo turns to look at the owner of the voice, a lanky, rather ordinary looking boy with a vaguely hopeful look on his face.) Ukyo: Um...yes, I am. And you are? Saburo: (bowing slightly) Saburo Natami. I go to Furinkan high. Ukyo: (looking thoughtful) You look familiar...have we met before? Saburo: Um, yes. I asked you once if you wanted to go get a soda.... Ukyo: (interested) What did I say? Saburo: You, uh, yelled something about poodles and "Ranchan", and then hit me repeatedly with your spatula. Ukyo: (embarrassed) Oh. Sorry. You didn't catch me on one of my better days. Did I hurt you? Saburo: (cheerfully) Mild concussion. Quite all right. I'm used to it. Ukyo: Used to it? Saburo: (wincing) I share a class with Akane Tendo, you see... Ukyo: My sympathies. That must be painful. Saburo: Oh, it's gotten much better since Ranma Saotome came. She hardly ever attacks anyone but him and Kuno-sempai anymore. Ukyo: So I hear. (thinks) (aloud) So you'd still be interested in a date together? Saburo: (startled) Yeah, of course... Ukyo: (treating him to a blinding smile) Good. When's a good time for you? Saburo: Well, 1997 is free... Ukyo: Okay. Pick me up at 7 on Wednesday. Saburo: Okay, um... Another Customer: Service, please! Ukyo: Business calls! See you Wednesday. (She darts off. Saburo stammers and nods, and walks out in a daze.) Saburo: I can't believe it! Ukyo Kuonji, going out with me! Me! This is wonderful! I'll take her to.... (He pauses in horror as a thought strikes him.) Saburo: GAH! I have no money! How am I going to be able to take her anywhere? This is a nightmare! (he thinks) Loan from Nabiki? No way. Ask parents? They'll say no. Get a job? Hmm...well, desperate times call for desperate measures. (Scene changes to the outside of the cafe. Nabiki is walking out, a contented look on her face. Ranma, in male form and sans hat and glasses, emerges behind her, and taps her on the shoulder.) Nabiki: (turning) Wha? Oh, hi Ranma. What's up? Ranma: Nabiki, I saw those pictures you just sold Kuno. And unless you can tell me that there's another good-looking redhead with a great chest that you're able to get photos of, I'm afraid I might hafta do something we'll both regret. Nabiki: (grinning) What, to little old me? I doubt it. Anyway, I'm not going to be selling any more barely-clothed photos of you. Ranma: (suspiciously) Huh? And why is that? Somehow I doubt you're stopping out of concern for my feelings... Nabiki: I'm going to be selling him all-nude photos. Ranma: Ah. I see. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put you in the hospital. Nabiki: (disgustedly) Oh, they won't really be of you. (Ranma gives her a blank look. Nabiki rolls her eyes and sighs.) Nabiki: (patiently) Kuno has the intelligence of a lobotomized bullfrog. I'll buy a cheap men's magazine, cut out the pictures, paste them inside Polaroid frames, and sell 'em. As long as the head happens to be conveniently outside of the picture, he'll never know the difference. Ranma: And those ones you just sold? Nabiki: Oh, those were of you. I think I did a pretty good job of it, considering the cooperation I didn't get from my subject. Ranma: (angrily) You've got some nerve, you heartless... Nabiki: (breaking in) Me? Listen, Ranma. I work my butt off, and I hardly ever see a penny of it. When was the last time you saw me buy something, or go out to the movies? All the cash goes into the dojo. We're not in good shape at the moment, and a lot of it's your fault. Ranma: Huh? I've been trying to keep Akane from busting holes in the place... Nabiki: (wincing) ...which is no easy task, I know. But it's more than that. You eat enough for three normal people, and you don't bring in any money. What you do bring in is a steady stream of people who want to either kill or marry you, and kidnap us. It's not good on father. He's barely able to function at the moment, let alone run a business that was never very successful to begin with. Ranma: Kasumi was saying something about how you guys might have money problems.... Nabiki: Kasumi, as always, was looking at the world through a rose-colored haze. We're in trouble, Ranma. I can't make ends meet much longer. Ranma: (concerned) Is there anything I can do? I mean, to help with the money? Nabiki: Yes. Get a part-time job of some sort, one that pays well. I'm sure that the market is full of jobs that require ridiculous feats of strength and speed. And since most of them are high-risk, you should make a bundle. Give most of it to us, keep a bit for yourself, and things will be a lot better. Ranma: Okay, I can do that...anything else? Nabiki: Well, there still is the food situation...(snaps her fingers) waitaminute! Aren't you able to freeload off Ukyo Kuonji? Ranma: (embarrassed) Well, I wouldn't exactly call it "freeloading", but... Nabiki: Oh, call it whatever you want. I want you to start eating there more. Three or four times a day, preferably. (Ranma gives her a blank stare. Nabiki sighs.) Nabiki: The more you eat there, the less you eat at the dojo. Which means we spend less on food, which means we save money, which means we don't go broke. Follow? Ranma: Huh. I don't know if that's a good idea, Nabiki...if Akane finds out I'm spending a lotta time at Ucchan's, she'll kill me and tear down the dojo in the process. Nabiki: (smoothly) Let me handle Akane. You just worry about finding work. I hear that they're looking for stuntmen, and a building project needs someone to place explosives.....do you have life insurance? Ranma: What? No.... Nabiki: I'll help you fill out the forms tomorrow, with Akane and I acting as the beneficiaries. Thanks a lot, Ranma. Bye! (She skips off. Ranma stands there for a second, looking rather dazed.) Ranma: I sure told her off... (Scene changes to Dr. Hasigawa's office. Soun is lying on the couch, while Genma sits in a chair and munches from a bowl of candy on a table. Hasigawa sits behind his desk, taking notes.) Hasigawa: So, how long have you had these feelings of impending doom? Soun: Oh, ever since my wife....(breaks into tears) (Hasigawa waits for the crying fit to pass, handing him a hanky with a practiced air. Soun gratefully accepts, and becomes verbal again a few minutes later.) Hasigawa: Let's start a bit more slowly. Do you have any hobbies? Soun: Oh, yes! I play shogi with Saotome here every evening. (he beams happily) We've known each other for quite a while, he and I. Why, his son is engaged to marry my daughter, Akane.... (Another crying spell follows. Hasigawa turns to Genma, who is finishing off the last of the candy.) Hasigawa: (softly) Is he always this bad? Genma: (around a mouthful of candy) Fughdf gotten much murghf in the past fgds days... Hasigawa: Beg pardon? Genma: (swallowing) It hasn't been all that bad until recently. Hasigawa: You've been keeping up a normal reaction to him, ja? You haven't been avoiding him? Genma: Of course not. I win more games when he's like this! (Soun finally regains his composure. Hasigawa looks kindly at him.) Hasigawa: We'll just talk for a while, I think. (he casts about for a harmless topic) Um, what are you having for dinner? Soun: Chicken...(crying fit) Hasigawa: This is incredible. I've never seen anything like it before! Do you know what this means? Genma: A large bill? Hasigawa: No! Well, actually yes, that too, but it also means an essay in a major journal! Mr. Tendo, I want to start seeing you three times a week. With any luck, I'll win an award of some kind...oh yes, and maybe we can help you as well. Soun: (tearfully) All right... Hasigawa: (standing) Great! I'll see you the day after tomorrow, same time. Ja? Genma: I'll come with him. Soun: Are you sure, Saotome? Genma: (glancing at the candy bowl) Absolutely. Anything for a friend. Hasigawa: Excellent. (they shake hands) Now, don't do anything out of the ordinary until we talk next. Just go home, relax, have a nice family dinner. We don't want you to go completely psycho before I get a chance to analyze you. (Night. Scene changes to a drawing room in the Kuno Mansion, where the two Kuno siblings are sitting in overstuffed chairs. Kodachi, a pair of rather silly-looking reading glasses perched on her nose, is grading what appears to be a test. Her brother, on the other hand, is locked in permanent Oh-which-shall-I-date mode, staring at the newly-purchased photos.) Kuno: (declaiming) Ah, but they are both as splendid as the morning dew upon any rose that does not have a blackish hue (abominations, those) and are more gentle and warm than the life- giving (if cancer-causing) rays of the noonday sun, which pales before their admittedly painful but welcome attentions, which, of course, when compared with the gentle music of the babbling brook.... Kodachi: Shut up, babbling brook. Kuno: (frowning) Your vulgarity grows daily, sister. Perhaps it would be wise if you were to cease your associations with a certain lower-class Chinese laborer, as her coarse breeding seems to be rubbing off onto you. Kodachi: (sweetly) Perhaps it would be wise for you to make up your mind about which of those two tramps you seem infatuated with you intend to marry. Kuno: But how can I! for they are both as..... Kodachi: ....attractive as the finest tinned cat food, I know. Spare me the substandard poetry. But I wish you would hurry up and marry one of them. It would make catching Ranma-sama that much easier for me. Kuno: And I, dear sister, would like nothing more than for you to, ah, "catch" Saotome. Firstly, because that would free my two loves from their foul enslavement. And secondly, because not even I could come up with a more horrible punishment for him. Kodachi: Hmm. Perhaps we have some common ground here. Kuno: (shuddering) Perish the thought. Kodachi: It is a distasteful notion, yes. But worth it, perhaps, if we win our respective loves as a result. Kuno: I assume you have a plan? Kodachi: Of course. Kuno: Is it sneaky, deceitful, and underhanded? Kodachi: (frowning) Actually, it's cunning, resourceful, and ingenious. Kuno: (shrugging) I suspect that is much the same thing. What is it this time? (Kodachi pulls out a vial of something and hands it to him. Kuno reads the label suspiciously.) Kuno: (reading) "Standard Love Potion #23, industrial strength". _This_ is your plan? Kodachi: Simple, yes? Kuno: Simpleminded is perhaps more accurate! How many times has a love potion of some sort been employed to this end? Kodachi: (thinking) I've done it about 34 times, Shampoo's tried it about 28, and that Kuonji girl made some kind of Oyster Okonomiyaki that left Ranma-sama sick for 3 days. Kuno: It strikes me that this is not exactly an original idea. In fact, the word "cliched" comes to mind. Kodachi: (impatiently) True, but always before one of two things has happened. Either blind luck fouled us up, or either Ranma- sama or Akane managed to "cure" the other. If we get them both at once, we'll have done it. Kuno: And blind luck? Kodachi: We'll simply arrange it so that nothing can go wrong. After all, we have to get lucky one of these days... Kuno: Perhaps.....yes, maybe this time it will work. But which to choose? Kodachi: (firmly) Akane. She's the main obstacle to Ranma. Pick Akane, brother dear. Kuno: Very well. (looks dramatic) But fear not, oh pigtailed one! You shall be mine as well! (stops suddenly and blinks) Ah, Sister? Kodachi: Yes, Brother dearest? Kuno: What is that piece of paper you are marking? Kodachi: This? Oh, it's just Shampoo's latest Japanese test. (she adjusts the reading glasses and leans over it) She really has been improving, you know...a few more weeks and she'll have perfect diction. (she sighs) Almost a pity, me marrying Ranma-sama...I suppose she'll probably have to try and kill me... (Kuno brightens noticeably.) Kuno: (casually) She, um, is a good fighter? Kodachi: Very. Superb, as a matter of fact? Kuno: And as devious as yourself? Kodachi: In her own way, yes...Brother dear, why are you cackling? Kuno: (innocent look) Oh, merely, ah, remembering, uh, a jest. Kodachi: (darkly) Right. (Scene changes to the front porch of the dojo. Kasumi and Akane are outside; Kasumi sweeping, and Akane looking grumpy.) Kasumi: (cheerfully) Now Akane, I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe he had somewhere to go... Akane: Of course he had somewhere to go, he left, didn't he? But he left without breakfast, and that's not like him. He's up to something. Kasumi: (frowning) No breakfast? Oh dear. Growing boys need their energy. (Suddenly Shampoo and her bike fall from apparently nowhere onto the porch.) Shampoo: Nihao! Kasumi: Good morning! Akane: Wonderful. Shampoo: (squinting) Something wrong, Akane? You look a bit under the weather. Akane: No, I'm...(she stops suddenly)....okay, who are you really? Twin sister? Mind-possessing entity? Someone who fell in Spring of Drowned Amazon Bimbo? Shapechanging Alien? Kasumi: Alien? Oh dear. (peering curiously at Shampoo) Is that you, Um-Gonxyt? Shampoo: It's me. Shampoo. Akane: Nice try, but no. Shampoo talks like a TV Chinese person, with lots of "Me not know"s and "Too-too good"s. Your Japanese, on the other hand, is better than Ranma's. Not that that's saying much... Shampoo: (shrugging) I've been taking lessons. Akane: (skeptical) For how long? Shampoo: I started yesterday. Akane: (snorts) Yeah. And you expect me to believe you've improved this much in a day? How dumb do you think I am? Shampoo: Very. But, to answer your question, I had a good teacher. Very (she shudders) motivating. Anyway, where's Ranma? Akane: Why should I tell you? Shampoo: Come on, I'm not an alien or an evil spirit.... Akane: If you were, I'd be happy to tell you. But since you're really Shampoo, forget it. Shampoo: (blue aura on) If you going to be rude about it, me beat...I mean, I'll beat it out of you! Akane: (aura'd) Try it, you empty-headed.... Kasumi: (interrupting) Would anyone like some cookies? (The two combatants freeze. Kasumi just stands there, expectant smile on her face. Their faces go a little red, and they relax.) Shampoo: Yes, please, Kasumi-san. Thank you. Akane: Um, sure Kasumi. Kasumi: (heading into house) I'll just be a minute. You two go on with what you were doing, now... (Akane and Shampoo study each other warily, unconsciously circling each other.) Shampoo: I know now why you've been able to hold onto Ranma for so long. He thought I was stupid, because I spoke funny. But now...now you'll lose him.. Akane: Like hell I will. Shampoo: I thought you don't love him? Akane: (uncertainly) I don't...he's...I mean...baka.... Shampoo: I'm supposed to be the one with the language impediment, Akane. If you don't love him, why not let me have him? If you don't like him, why not let me take him back to China? Akane: NO! He's mine! (she falters) That is... (Kasumi emerges from the kitchen, a plate of cookies in hand.) Kasumi: (brightly) Here you go! And I've got ham sandwiches in the fridge if either of you are still hungry. Shampoo: (taking some) Thank you. (she puts them in a pocket) Make up your mind soon, Akane. He _will_ be my husband, and it would be well if you were over him. (She mounts her bike and rides off. Akane watches her go, a grim look on her face.) Kasumi: It's nice that you have such good friends, Akane. Akane: (darkly) Yeah. Just lucky, I guess. (Scene changes to a cramped office. A athletic-looking man, clad in some sort of uniform, sits behind a desk going over papers. The nameplate lying half-buried under papers identifies him as "Chief Matome Sugita". A knock is heard on the door.) Sugita: (loudly) Come in! (Saburo enters hesitantly, his perpetual vaguely-hopeful expression firmly in place.) Saburo: Um...I heard you were hiring? Sugita: Yes, yes we are. You actually interested? Saburo: Yes, if the pay's what your ad said it was... Sugita: (smiling) Oh yes. Yes, the pay is quite generous, and you even get extra if you incur any serious injury in the line of duty. Saburo: (laughing uneasily) Not that that ever happens.... Sugita: (under his breath) ..more than once a week, no... Saburo: Come again? Sugita: No, of course not. (looks serious) Now, of course, I have to give you the mandatory Civil Service Exam. Are you ready? Saburo: (drawing himself up) Yes sir! (Sugita picks up a badly rumpled card and begins to read from it.) Sugita: Name? Saburo: Saburo Natami. Sugita: Age? Saburo: 17. Sugita: Ever been arrested on a charge higher than manslaughter? Saburo: (blinks) No... Sugita: What's 2 plus 3? Saburo: (looking puzzled) Five. Um, what...? Sugita: (loudly) Congratulations, you have passed the rigorous Civil Service Exam. Still want the job? Saburo: Well, yes. Sugita: It's yours. You are now Animal Control Officer Saburo Natami (Third Class), with all the duties and privileges that accompany the title. (He snaps to attention and salutes. Saburo hesitantly returns it.) Sugita: As we are a little shorthanded at this time, due to circumstances that I won't go into at the moment, you'll skip the normal period of training and go right into the field. Here is your uniform. (He picks up a bundle of bluish clothing and hands it to Saburo, who eyes it dubiously.) Saburo: Uh, sir? What are these reddish stains? The ones around the jagged rips? Sugita: Oh, um, not sure. It belonged to the last fellow we had, godresthissoul. He, uh, quit. Saburo: Ah. What do my duties consist of, by the way? Sugita: (beaming) You're assigned to one of our mobile response units. You can drive, yes? Saburo: Yes, I can... Sugita: Good. The other fellow can't, you see... Saburo: What? Why not? Sugita: (shrugs) Hasn't learned how yet, I guess. Not sure, really, I just hired him too. Saburo: Um, sir, wouldn't it be better to assign us rookies to work with an experienced officer? Sugita: Normally we would, but we're a bit shorthanded. Saburo: Okay...When do I meet him? Sugita: You and Officer Saotome start tomorrow. (Saburo drops the uniform and yelps.) Saburo: SAOTOME? Not Ranma Saotome, surely.... Sugita: (puzzled) Yes.. Saburo: (groaning) Great. I'm a dead man. (looks up appealingly) Isn't there anyone else you could assign me to? Sugita: We're... Saburo: (resignedly) ...a bit shorthanded, right. Sugita: (scowling) Do you two not get along, or something? Because if you do, it had better not interfere with your work. Saburo: (hastily) Oh, we get along fine. I'm just not wild about becoming collateral damage. Sugita: (smiling evilly) Oh, you're in for that anyway. Report here tomorrow at 8 AM sharp, Officer Natami. Saburo: (sighs) Yes sir. (He leaves. Sugita chuckles, and returns to his desk.) Sugita: (muttering) Well, might as well get it done ahead of time... (He takes out a fresh sheet of paper and begins to write.) Sugita: Let's see..."Dear Mr. and Mrs. Natami, it is my painful duty to inform you of your son's demise in the line of duty on..." Hmm. Better leave the date blank, he might last out tomorrow.... END OF EPISODE 2 EPISODE 3 - A Hard Day's Night (Scene opens on the Tendo living room, late afternoon. Nabiki and Akane are seated on the sofa, talking.) Akane: I'm almost worried about him, Nabiki. He hasn't eaten anything all day, and he even turned down the cake Kasumi made. Normally we'd have to beat him off of it with a stick. Nabiki: I'm sure he's fine. Maybe he just wasn't hungry today.... Akane: (snorts) Oneechan, Ranma not being hungry is like the ocean not being wet. He doesn't look ill, though...and he never gets sick anyway. And then he was gone all this morning. Either he's in some sort of trouble, or the baka's trying to put something over on me. Nabiki: (after thinking) Well, maybe he's, uh, on a diet. Akane: (exasperated) Why on earth would he do that? He hasn't got an ounce of fat on him! (Ranma, looking rather happy, enters from the hall. He spots Nabiki and waves.) Ranma: Yo, Nabiki! I got it! Akane: Got what? Ranma: (noticing Akane) Uh, a job. With Animal Control. I start tomorrow. Nabiki: Animal Control? I thought we agreed on having you sign up to test that company's bulletproof vests.... Ranma: Yeah, but this one pays more! And it really sounds like my kinda thing; y'know, out in the fresh air, lots of healthy exercise, subduing menaces to the city. They even gave me a pay advance... (He pulls out a check. Nabiki jumps over and snatches it from him to examine.) Nabiki: Let's see, for one week's work you make...(her eyes go wide)..this has got to be a typo or something... Ranma: (proudly) Nope. Oh, is Kasumi around? They gave me this uniform, and the last guy who had it musta had a nosebleed or something... (Akane, who has just been staring at the two of them, frowns.) Akane: Ranma, why were you looking for a job to begin with? Ranma: Well, I just felt kinda guilty about freeloading off you guys all the time, and I sorta want to pay my own way. Akane: (skeptically) That's very thoughtful of you, but why on earth Animal Control? You won't last a day! Ranma: (bristling) Oh yeah? And why not? Akane: Your job is to round up animals, yes? Ranma: Yup. Dogs, bears, elephants.... Akane: Cats.... Ranma: (turning pale) No, I don't think I'd have to go after cats. I mean, not cats.... Akane: Ranma, that's what Animal Control people do. They round up stray animals, and, well, most stray animals are dogs or cats. Ranma: (sweating) Well, I'd better go tell Mr. Sugita that I can't take the job... Nabiki: (smugly) Too late. You've already been paid for a week's work, remember? Ranma: Oh no... Nabiki: Endorse this, please...(she hands the check to Ranma, who absently signs it)...I'd better go cash this before the bank closes. Bye! (She leaves. Akane turns to Ranma, a look of concern on her face.) Akane: You don't look so good, Ranma. Do you want me to make you something to eat? Ranma: (still in shock) Sure.... (Akane's face lights up with surprised happiness over his unexpected acceptance.) Akane: Well, just come with me into the kitchen, and I'll make you a nice warm bowl of soup. Ranma: (dazed) Okay... (Akane leads him into the kitchen, and sits him down in a chair. She then goes to a cupboard, and begins tossing ingredients into a mixing bowl. The camera quickly pans outside the kitchen window, where a short, black-clad figure lurks.) Sasuke: (speaking into a radio) They're both in the kitchen, Mistress. The girl appears to be conducting some sort of chemistry experiment... Radio: Excellent, Sasuke! Take your postion at the front gate, and keep an eye out for anyone who might interfere. Sasuke: Understood. Over and out. Radio: Right. Goodbye, Sasuke. (He stealthly proceeds to the front gate of the dojo, concealing himself behind some bushes. Before long, the radio crackles again.) Radio: I can see them sitting together at the kitchen table. We're going in through the window. Make sure no one interferes. Sasuke: Yes, Mistress. Good luck. (He crouches back down, waiting. Suddenly, the door to the dojo opens, and Ranma and Akane walk out.) Ranma: Soup, Akane. How did you manage to burn _soup_? You'd better hope the EPA never finds out about you... Akane: (angry) You could have at least tried it! Ranma: (incredulous) Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were forming... Akane: (irritated) It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting wasn't _that_ ominous... Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the laws of reality! (Something clicks in Sasuke's mind.) Sasuke: Wait a minute...if they're here, then who's....(fumbles for radio) Mistress! Wait! Stop! (Outside the window, Kuno and Kodachi are crouched, looking at the two seated silhouettes in the kitchen. Each holds a handful of some kind of powder.) Kodachi: Remember, brother dear. Toss the powder in her face, and stare straight at her. Ready? Kuno: I am ready. Soon, my love, you shall come to your senses! (They vault through the window, grab each figure, spin them around, and throw the powder in their faces.) Kodachi & Kuno: My darl...WHA? Figures: AhCHOO! (The titanic sneeze blows much of the powder back into Kuno & Kodachi's shocked faces. Both pairs freeze, staring at each other. The stares, however, quickly fade to dreamy expressions of bliss...) (Scene changes to a street in Tokyo. Ryoga is running along it aimlessly.) Ryoga: (panting) Must....get....back to....Nerima! (He stops, and grabs a lanky student walking by.) Ryoga: Where is Furinkan High School!?! Saburo: (blinking) Oh no, Hibiki.....Um, the high school? Just go three blocks up, catch a bus, get off at stop number 23, and go two blocks north. You can't miss it. Ryoga: (releasing him) Thank you. (loudly) Akane, I'm coming! (He dashes off. Saburo stares after him.) Saburo: (calling) No, three blocks the _other_ way....(shrugs) Oh well. I tried. (He walks on, absently kicking a bit of litter.) Saburo: Wonder why he's so eager to get back to Furinkan? Probably wants to fight Saotome again, and destroy half the school in the process. Should be fun to watch, from a... safe...distance.... (He comes to a dead stop.) Saburo: I'm going to have to work with Ranma for at least a week. An entire week. (looks hopeful) Maybe Hibiki won't find us? (Thunder rumbles, and it begins to rain.) Saburo: (glumly) This is what I get for not visiting Grandmother's shrine, I suppose. Thanks, Grandma. (Scene changes to Ucchan's. Ukyo is serving an elderly couple a plate of okonomiyaki when the door opens, revealing a soaked Ranma-chan and Akane. Ukyo hurries over.) Ukyo: Ranchan! Akane! Lovely weather we're having, isn't it? (This gets her glares from both of them. Ukyo chuckles.) Ukyo: Sorry. Just teasing. Come on, I've got a table for both of you right over here. (They follow her to a small booth in a corner near the stove. Ukyo pulls up a chair, and straddles it.) Ukyo: So, Ranchan, what brings you by again? Akane: "Again?" Ranma: (warning look at Ukyo) Um, just trying to get something to eat in out of the rain. (sour look) Funny how it always seems to pour buckets down with little or no warning around here.... Akane: You should take a hint from Ryoga and start carrying an umbrella around with you. You could certainly use it more than him. Ranma: (grinning) I wouldn't be so sure of that. Akane: What's that supposed to mean? Ranma: Um.... Akane: (laughing) Oh, right. He's really P-chan with a Jusenkyo curse. Ukyo: (looking surprised) He is? Boy, that explains a lot. Actually, I'm surprised I didn't figure it out before. Akane: I'm joking, Ukyo. Of course he isn't. Right, Ranma? (Ranma has suddenly become very interested in her placemat.) Ukyo: So, what'll you have? Ranma: The usual. Akane: Two specials. Ukyo: I'll have the waiter bring them. (half-turns in her chair) Tsubasa! Chair: Yes? (Ukyo gives a strangled yelp, jumps up, and spatulates the chair into the kitchen.) Ukyo: (grimly) I'm going to kill him one of these days. Ranma, you don't know what it's like having a crossdressing lunatic obsessed with you, constantly doing bizzare things to gain your attention.. ..Akane, why are you giggling? Akane: (innocently) Nothing. Ukyo: He's been even worse than normal ever since I made that date for Wednesday... Akane: (furious) RANMA NO BAKA!!!! (She pulls the Mallet-O-Doom out and flattens Ranma.) Akane: (stiffly) Sorry, Ukyo, but Ranma's busy Wednesday. Ukyo: (slowly) My date isn't _with_ Ranma, Akane... Akane: (blinking) It isn't? Ukyo: Nope. Akane: (small voice) Oh. Whoops. Ranma: (from the floor) Violent, Kawaikunee tomboy... Akane: (sweetly) You can have that one as a freebie, since I seem to have jumped the gun a little. (Ranma pulls herself up off the floor, and back into the booth.) Ranma: So, who's the lucky guy, Ucchan? Anyone we know? Ukyo: (coyly) Oh, just this guy. I don't think you know him. Ranma: What form of martial arts does he practice? Ukyo: I don't think he does. (Ranma struggles to grasp the concept, and fails.) Ranma: What, none? And you're going out with the guy? Akane: (annoyed) A person's skill at hitting other people has nothing to do with how good a date he'll be, Ranma. (to Ukyo) So, what's he like? Ukyo: (thoughtfully) Well....he's nice. Sort of ordinary, but interesting. I don't really know him all that well. Akane: Where's he taking you? Ukyo: I'm not sure. Ranma: (frowning) Doesn't sound like you know much about this guy. Ukyo: (thinking) Ranma: Hello? (Ukyo blinks, realising that she had been absently smiling at nothing.) Ukyo: Sorry. Just thinking. No, I suppose I don't know much about him. This _is_ going to be our first date after all. Ranma: (darkly) Well, he'd better treat you right, or I'll... (Akane delivers a left hook to Ranma's jaw.) Akane: (darkly) Baka. (warmly, to Ukyo) You'll have a wonderful time, I'm sure. And you're going to have to tell me all about it, afterwards. Ukyo: Of course I will. Ranchan, would you like me to help you up? Ranma: (from the floor) Ungh...... (A serving trolley wheels itself out of the kitchen, laden with two platters of okonomiyaki. It pulls up beside the table.) Trolley: Here you are. (Ukyo takes the platters off the trolley and places them in front of Ranma and Akane. The trolley wheels away towards the kitchen.) Akane: (staring) Tsubasa's getting pretty good with those disguises..... Ukyo: (sourly) Tell me about it. One day I discovered the grill was really him midway through cooking an okonomiyaki. I understand he's been recruited by the government for espionage work when he graduates. Ranma: (pulling herself back into her seat) Wonderful. England has Bond, and we have Tsubasa. I'll sleep much easier tonight. (Akane and Ranma turn their attention to the plates of okonomiyaki. Ukyo watches contentedly, enjoying the sight of people eating. Soon the platters are empty.) Ranma: (sighing contentedly) That was wonderful, Ucchan. Thanks. Ukyo: (beaming) No problem. (she pauses) Has Kasumi been ill or something? Akane: (surprised) No. Why do you ask? Ukyo: I was just wondering why Ranma.... Ranma: (hurriedly) ...was so hungry? Well, um, I've, ah, been busy today. Yeah. (Akane looks at him suspiciously.) Akane: You also haven't had anything else to eat today, that I've seen. (Ukyo wisely refrains from commenting.) Ranma: Um. Well, it's getting dark. We'd better head back to the dojo. (They stand, and Ukyo walks them to the door.) Ukyo: (cheerfully) Come again soon! (Ranma waves, and they leave. Ukyo slumps down into a nearby chair.) Ukyo: Could he really be jealous? Or am I just reading things into him? (She sighs, and gets up. As an afterthought, she kicks the chair, hard. It yelps.) Ukyo: (snorting) Serves you right. (Scene changes to a rather comfortable, if high-tech, room. Around a table sit a rather odd assortment of people; a man in a weatherbeaten black trenchcoat, another man with long black hair and penetrating eyes, a robed girl with a mallet and a queer mark on her forehead, a half cat/half something girl, and a grinning fellow in a black uniform and cloak.) Trenchcoat Guy: ...as the Nibek lunges forward, you suddenly see.... (The door bursts open, and Ryoga runs into the room.) Ryoga: Where is Furinkan High School?!? Black-hair: And who are you, barging in here? Cat-girl: Ish-sweetie, I thought this place was locked? Black-hair: It is. Was. Is. Trenchcoat Guy: (sighing) Jeez....okay, go back to the Nexus, take the (An) door to Nerima, and head downtown. Ryoga: Thanks. Sorry. (He charges out. The group stares after him.) Trenchcoat Guy: Kergma, was that one of yours? Black-Uniform: (looking innocent) Nope. Nothing to do with it. (Open on the Tendo Dojo, early morning. The camera zooms in on the living room, where Ramna is getting ready for work. Akane and Nabiki are sitting at the table, watching amusedly.) Ranma: Let's see.....cat repellant, tape recording of a doberman barking, running shoes, good luck charm... Akane: Your uniform's in on the dryer. I tried to get most of the stains out, but some of them were a bit too saturated. Ranma: (turning) You washed it? Why didn't Kasumi... Nabiki: We haven't seen her today. I think she went off early this morning to buy food. Akane: Besides, I'm almost as good at washing as Kasumi. Ranma: Huh. Well, thanks. If I'm gonna hafta go through hell, at least it'll be in clean clothes. (He walks out of the living room, heading for the dryer.) Nabiki: (questioning look) Almost as good as Kasumi? It's not nice to lie to your iinazuke, you know. Akane: (defensively) I've gotten a lot better since last time. (A scream of disbelief comes from the direction of the laundry room.) Nabiki: Uh-huh. Ranma: (from a distance) It's as stiff as a board! What did you _do_ to it!? Akane: (calling) I think I might have put a bit too much starch in it... (Ranma walks into the room, clutching his uniform. It's been nicely washed, ironed, and pressed. It also appears to have all the flexibility of a concrete slab.) Ranma: How am I supposed to wear this? I can't even bend it! Nabiki: You could always staple it to the front of your clothes. Akane: Well excuse me! I just put in one box too much. There's no need to bite my head off! Ranma: (despairingly) I should have known. Your laundry skills just _would_ be even worse that your cooki[WHACK]unghtgntt..... Nabiki: Nice swing, sis. Akane: (putting her mallet away) Thanks. I don't know why I even try to help that baka.... (She walks off. Nabiki chuckles, and goes into the kitchen, returning with a glass of water. She pours it over Ranma's face.) Nabiki: Rise and shine. Ranma: (groaning) Ow *gurgle* okay, I'm awake! And female, thank you very much. Nabiki: I'll put a kettle on. In the meantime, go soak that uniform of yours in the bathtub. (Scene changes to the front of the Animal Control building, where Saburo is dubiously examining the car assigned him. Chief Sugita looks on proudly.) Sugita: Yes, truly a fine vehicle. Take good care of it, Officer Natami. Saburo: I've never heard of a "Pinto" before.... Sugita: (grinning) Oh, it's very famous in the United States, I understand. A very, ah, sensitive vehicle. Saburo: (doubtfully) If you say so. (He opens the door, which promptly falls off. Sugita hands him a roll of duct tape.) Saburo: Uh, sir? Where do we put the animals? Sugita: Well, you have your choice. Either the trunk or the back seat. Saburo: (faintly) The back seat? Sir, doesn't that put the driver in rather dangerous proximity to the animals? Sugita: I suppose so. Maybe we'll put in a wire screen one of these days. Anyway, your radio is mounted there on the dash. Just cruise around the Nerima area, and wait for dispatch calls. And, of course, if you see an animal causing trouble use your own judgement. (Ranma walks up, wearing his uniform. It's soaked, rumpled, and is still as rigid as lead pipe in some places. He hesitantly throws Sugita a rather sloppy salute, which Sugita returns.) Sugita: (cheerfully) Ah, Officer Saotome! Ready to go out there and keep the city safe? Ranma: Yeah, I guess. Um, not many cats out today, are there? Sugita: I wouldn't know. Well, I'll leave you two to your work. Good luck, and try to return the car in one piece, or else. (He walks off, leaving the two new Animal Control officers to state at each other.) Ranma: Uh, hi. Ranma Saotome. Saburo: Saburo Natami. We have a class together, actually. Ranma: Really? I thought you looked familiar. Have we ever spoken? Saburo: (thinks for a second) No, but Akane Tendo once hit you with my desk. I was still in it at the time...and she once malleted you into me at about 23 mph...and then there was the time she... Ranma: Um. Right. Pleased to meet you. (They solemnly shake hands.) Ranma: So, we just drive around town? Saburo: I think so. That and wait for dispatches. Actually, if it's okay with you, I'll probably just find someplace shady to park until we get a call. Ranma: (grinning) Sounds fine. Shall we go? Saburo: Sure. Be careful of the do...um. Here's the duct tape. (After a brief taping session, they manage to get into the car. Saburo coaxes the sputtering motor to life, and they head out into the streets of Nerima. Ranma watches the driving process with interest.) Ranma: So that's how it's done. I always wondered how you made the things speed up or slow down. Saburo: (blinking) Haven't you ever been in a car before? Ranma: Nope. A bus a couple of times, but never a car. Pop never learned how to drive, and there aren't many autos in China. (he watches with interest) So, you push the pedals to steer and turn the wheel to increase speed, right? Saburo: Something like that. (The radio on the dash begins beeping insistantly) Ranma: (reluctantly) I suppose that's for us. (he picks it up) Hello? Radio: Gargle nazbin fromide blender. Ranma: Excuse me? Radio: Mets hergmish ripgarg branflakes. Ranma: I'm sorry, there's a bit of interference.... Saburo: (keeping his eyes on the road) See if there's a tuning knob or something. (Ranma fiddles with the radio.) Radio: Giants 23, Kings 5. In other news...*crackle* "I love you, Suki!" "And I love you, Shin!" "Suki!" "Shin!" "Suki!" "Sh*crackle* unit 23? Mobile 23, are you there? Ranma: Yeah, we're here... Radio: Code 546-blue, corner of Fasa and Kurita streets. Ranma: Uh, right! We're on it! (puts the radio back on the dash) Yo, Saburo! What's a code 546-blue? Saburo: (shrugging) I don't know. Is there a list or something in the car? Ranma: Lemme check....(he begins searching the floor, side pockets, and glove box, finally pulling out a leather book with teethmarks) Here we go...."Rules, Regulations, and Guidelines for Officers, 6th edition". (flips through it) Camels, Carnivorous Trees, Cujo....Aha! Codes, dispatch! Saburo: So what's it say? Ranma: "Code 546-blue : Rabid transvestite rhino creating disturbance; reactor leak imminent." (The car screeches to a halt.) Saburo: (calmly) Say what? Ranma: That's what it says. (looks relieved) At least it didn't mention any cats. Saburo: (glumly) Yeah, thank heaven. (He steps on the gas, and the car speeds off. Well, maybe "speeds" isn't the best word.) Ranma: I wonder how we'll fit the thing in the trunk? (The rear bumper falls off with a loud clatter as the car turns the corner.) END OF EPISODE 3 EPISODE 4 - Ask Not For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll... (Scene opens on the Tendo Kitchen. Akane is cooking herself and Nabiki breakfast. ) Nabiki: (staying towards the rear of the room) Uh, no offence Akane...but can't Kasumi cook breakfast instead? Akane: (annoyed) She could, but she's letting me do it. (A pan bursts into green and puce flames on the stove. Nabiki moves back even farther.) Nabiki: Oh well...at least Ranma isn't here to get you started. Akane: (scowling) He's left already? Without breakfast? Nabiki: (nodding) Three hours ago. Akane: (scowling) Probably being mean to some poor, lost, helpless doggie or something.... (Scene changes to one side of the patrol Pinto. Ranma and Saburo are crouched behind it; Saburo is clutching a long tube with a trigger and handle at one end.) Ranma: Think it's gone? Saburo: Let me check. (He takes off his uniform cap, sticks it on the end of the tube, and raises it above the car. There's a *CRACK* and several bullets whiz through it.) Saburo: Nope. Still there. Ranma: (eying the perforated cap) Good shot for an orangutang. Saburo: Oh, apes have very keen vision. Ranma: Yeah? Saburo: Yup. Besides, I think he's got a laser sight on that rifle. Looks like Darwin was right... Ranma: (crouching) Cover me with the tranq gun. I'm gonna try to take it out. Saburo: (skeptically) Ranma, it's a 250-pound wild animal. Ranma: Exactly. If I close with it, it doesn't stand a chance. From Over the Car: (defiantly) Ook! Saburo: Good luck, man. (They clasp hands, and Saburo begins firing steadily over the car as Ranma darts out. Change to a street in Nerima, where Shampoo is seen to be walking home.) Shampoo: (to herself) "I would like to order a blue sofa." "This is not socially appropriate." "Let go of my...." Damn. What's the word I'm looking for? (She turns the corner, and literally bumps into Ukyo.) Shampoo: Excuse me. Terribly sorry. Are you okay? Ukyo: Yeah, tha...(eyes Shampoo)...Twin sister? Psychic clone? Shampoo: (taking a deep breath and counting to ten) No, it's me. Shampoo. I've just been taking language lessons. Ukyo: (impressed) No kidding? Wow. I couldn't learn that fast if my life depended on it. Shampoo: (shuddering) Bets? Anyways, have you seen Ranma? Ukyo: He was in for dinner last night, with Akane. Shampoo: (narrowing her eyes) That so? Ukyo: (sighing) Shampoo...you don't have any chance with him. Shampoo: And you do? Ukyo: (sadly) No...I don't think I do either. (A beaten up, heavily duct-taped Pinto swerves past, careening drunkenly. Greyish-pink tentacles extend from the rear windows.) Person in Car: Aagggghh...it's got the wheel! Do something! Person in Car 2: Hang on, Saburo! I'm gonna try to knock it out! MOKO TAKABISHA! (Blue light flares from inside the car.) Person in Car: Gah! You got squid ichor all over me! Person in Car 2: Sorry.... (It turns the corner. Shampoo and Ukyo stare after it.) Shampoo: (after a minute) That wasn't....? Ukyo: (firmly) No. Couldn't have been. (Scene changes to the living room of the Tendo home. Akane and Nabiki are cleaning, rather awkwardly.) Nabiki: (slightly dazed) Explain again how we wound up doing this. Akane: Kasumi came home, asked us to clean the downstairs rooms, and smiled at us. Nabiki: Oh yeah. (musing tone) I wonder if she'd agree to help me negotiate a few deals... Akane: (snorting) Not a good idea, sis. They'd make their opening offer, and she'd just smile and say, "Okay!". Nabiki: True, but if I did most of the dealing and had her beam at them and say, "Please?" at a signal... (The door opens, and in staggers a shell-shocked looking Ranma. His uniform is tattered, and he's bleeding from a dozen small cuts.) Akane: (appalled) Ranma! What happened! Ranma: (distant voice) The rhino wasn't so tough, even in that pink tutu...the rabid wolverine stuck in the drain pipe was a bit harder...the giant mutant turtles were a real chore.....but the lion....they shouldn't have shaved it, it just made it mad.....I just froze.....if Saburo hadn't hit it with the car, it woulda killed me... Nabiki: (sympathetically) Yeah, I've had days like that. Ranma: (grabbing her by the shirt) I'm not going back, okay?! There isn't anything on earth that could make me go back! Nabiki: (whispering in his ear) Pity. Then I'd have to tell Akane where you've been eating lately. (Ranma thinks this over.) Ranma: Maybe a few more days won't hurt. Nabiki: (slipping out of his grasp) I thought you'd see it my way. Akane: (doubtfully) I don't know....it sounds awfully dangerous.. Genma: (seemingly appearing from nowhere) A true martial artist never backs down from any challenge, no matter how ridiculously suicidal it may be. You'll stick with this job, son. After all, where would your uncle Kenhi be if he had refused to battle the Ivory Yodeling Demon of Nanking? Ranma: Alive, from what I understand. Genma: True, but all Nanking reveres his memory, and flowers are placed yearly on the seventeen places that the Demon left him. He is a legend. This, boy, is the true reward of the Art. Ranma: Being ripped to pieces by Yodeling Demons? Maybe it's not too late to become a shoe salesman.... (The door opens, and Soun enters. There's something rather odd about him...he's lost the tired, haggard look that he's had in the past few episodes.) Soun: (happily) Ah, my family and that of my good friend, gathered together. I have wonderful news for you all. Genma: (perking up) Dinner's early today? Soun: Even better, Saotome-kun. I'm getting married! (Facefaults all around.) Ranma: (hesitantly) Congratulations, Mr. Tendo... Genma: Tendo-kun, you sly dog! (slaps Soun on the back) Akane: (uncertain) Uh, Daddy? To who? Nabiki: (reflexively) How much money does she make? Soun: (laughing) One at a time! (turns to Akane and Nabiki) How do you girls feel about this? Akane: Well, we're happy for you, Daddy...but isn't this a little fast? I mean, we haven't even met....her....yet. Soun: (frowning) I think you have, actually....dear, why don't you come inside. (The door opens and Kodachi enters.) Kodachi: (smiling at Akane) Just call me "Mom". (Akane and Ranma stare in disbelief. Nabiki's eyes roll up in her head; she gives a little moan and faints. Genma leers at Kodachi approvingly.) Ranma: (stammering) M-Mr. Tendo, y-you can't be serious..... Kodachi: I know this must hurt, Ranma, but try to understand... (Akane's mouth opens, closes, then opens again.) Genma: (slapping Soun enthusiastically on the back) A beautiful bride, old friend. You haven't lost your touch. Soun: Thank you. Will you be our best man? Akane: (calmly) Excuse me. Daddy? Soun: Yes, dear? Akane: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING OF? SHE'S MY AGE, FOR GOD'S SAKE! AND SHE'S A PSYCHOTIC MENTAL CASE WHO'S TRIED TO KILL ME AND MARRY RANMA! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?! Kodachi: (frowning) Soun-sama, I don't think your daughter likes me. Soun: (stage whisper) I think she's a bit jealous. (to Akane) Now sweetheart, I know this might get some taking used to, but I think you'll learn to love your stepmother as much as I do. Akane: LOVE HER? LOVE HER? I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER LEARN TO TURN MY BACK ON HER! Ranma: (conciliatory tone) Um, Akane.... (Akane spins around to face him, blue aura from hell lighting up the room.) Akane: YOU! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SOMEHOW! Ranma: (indignantly) Me? Me? It's not my fault your dad has an even worse fiancee than I do! Akane: BBBBBAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! (Ranma is transmuted into a big hole in the wall.) Kodachi: (amused) They're so cute when they're this age. Also destructive. I can see that stiffer....disipline....will be required. (Akane storms out of the room, running upstairs to Kasumi's room. She flings open the door to find Kasumi on the phone.) Kasumi: (sweetly, in flawless English) No, Mister Mulder, I haven't been anywhere near Nevada. Or an "Area 51". (giggles) Aliens? How silly. What? Yes, I suppose the truth is out there....all right. Bye! (she hangs up and turns to Akane) Is something wrong, Akane- chan? Akane: (almost in tears)Oh Oneechan, Daddy's getting married! Kasumi: (gently) Oh, Akane...he can't mourn mother forever...I know this must seem hard, but... Akane: I don't mind the fact that he's marrying! But he's marrying Kodachi Kuno! Kasumi: I suppose she is a little unstable... Akane: (muttering) ...And the Great Wall of China is a big fence... Kasumi: ..but has he seemed happy? Akane: (aback) I suppose so..... Kasumi: Maybe they'll be good for each other. Akane: (appalled) Oneechan, this is Kodachi we're talking about. The person who tries to kill me and drug Ranma. The girl who makes Charles Manson look like Mr. Rogers. _That_ Kodachi. Kasumi: But if she's marrying Daddy, she won't need to do those things anymore, will she? (Akane thinks for a second.) Akane: Will you at least go downstairs and talk about it with him? Kasumi: (smiling) Of course. (They descend the stairs and enter the living room. Ranma, still a bit battered, is pouring cold water on Nabiki's face in a effort to wake her up. Genma, Soun, and Kodachi are making plans for the wedding.) Akane: (nudging Kasumi) Well? Talk to him. (Kasumi walks over, pulls Soun aside, and speaks with him.) Nabiki: (coming to, woozily) Ohhh....Ranma, I had the most interesting dream...... (Soun nods and embraces Kasumi, who then turns to the rest of the room.) Kasumi: Daddy and I have decided that we'll have a double wedding. Ranma & Akane: No way am I marrying this....HEY! Kasumi: (laughing) Not yours. Mine. (Everyone stares at her.) Akane: What? Kasumi: (blushing) He finally worked up the courage to ask me....you know how shy he is..... Ranma: Yeah....I'm surprised he was able to put a coherent sentence together with you there, let alone propose. Nabiki: (slyly) I guess this'll really make Tofu the family doctor. (Everyone chuckles at this, save Kasumi, who just looks puzzled.) Kasumi: But he already is the family's doctor... Nabiki: (rolling her eyes) Yes, but you marrying him.... Kasumi: (giggling) I'm not marrying him. Nabiki: (looking confused) But you just said.... Kasumi: I'm marrying Tatewaki. (Nabiki's eyes roll up, and she faints again. Ranma and Akane stare at Kasumi in shock.) Ranma: You....marry.....Kuno....you? (Kasumi nods happily.) Akane: (horrified) Why on earth would you want to do that to yourself, Oneechan? Kodachi: It does seem a rather unpleasant thing to do, daughter- to-be. I inherited most of the family's good traits. (Everyone except Soun and Kasumi looks dubious.) Kasumi: (benign, oblivious smile) Oh, he's such a nice man. He says the most romantic things, and he's very attentive. And very proper, too. Genma: Congratulations, Kasumi. What will you be serving at the wedding feast? Kasumi: I was thinking of having a glazed ham for the main dish....and bacon-ball appetizers.....and maybe I'll get Shampoo to do a pork ramen.... (Akane just stands there, looking alternately confused, upset, and angry. Despite this, Ranma works up the courage to walk over to her.) Ranma: (taking her arm) C'mon, Akane. We gotta talk. Akane: Not now.... Ranma: Now. It's about the weddings. (Akane looks at him for a few seconds, then nods and follows him upstairs to her room.) Ranma: This is not normal. Akane: (irritated) No, really? Is _that_ what you wanted to tell me? Ranma: No, I mean...aw, hell...look, neither your dad or Kasumi should be showing any interest in the Kunos. And Kodachi's obsessed with me.... Akane: You and your ego. Just because she tries to drug you and sleep with you doesn't mean she's _obsessed_.... Ranma: (rolling his eyes) ...And Kuno is after both of us, despite the fact that we send the jerk to the infirmary on a near-daily basis. But Kasumi said that _he_ proposed to _her_. Akane: (realization hitting her) You're saying that this isn't normal. Ranma: Yes! That's what I said! Akane: Ah, but you didn't say it the right way. Ranma: ... Akane: So what could be causing it? Ranma: Dunno...maybe Shampoo and the old troll cast a spell on them or something... Akane: (after thought) No....I wouldn't put it past either of them, but it doesn't make any sense. Kasumi didn't want to marry you, and Kodachi's been hanging around with Shampoo lately... Ranma: You're right...hey, maybe they just hit the wrong target or something. It's happened before... Akane: Maybe...so what do we do? We can't just let them marry! Ranma: (musing) Oh, I don't know....it would get Kodachi and Kuno off my back.... Akane: (tightly) It would also put them in the same house as you. And as "Mrs. Tendo", Kodachi would probably insist on cooking. And finally, do you think that marrying Kasumi would slow Kuno down? Being in love with more than one person has never bothered him before. And you'll be living under the same roof as him..... Ranma: (shuddering) The marriages have to be stopped! Come on! (He turns to leave. Akane grabs his sleeve.) Akane: Uh, Ranma...where are you going? Ranma: I'm gonna go find out who I need to beat up. Akane: Right. And how are you going to do this? Ranma: Ummm.........ask? Akane: Ranma, sometimes you make Kuno look like Stephen Hawking. Ranma: Huh. And you have a better idea? Akane: (smugly) Yup. Instead of finding out who did it, we find out how to cure it. And it just so happens that I know someone who can do it. Someone who has a very effective motivation. (Scene changes to the Nekohanten, late evening. All of the customers have left, and Shampoo is cleaning up; scrubbing tables and carrying dishes into the back. A sudden pounding at the door causes her to look up.) Shampoo: (loudly) We're closed! Voice: It's Kodachi! Shampoo: (happily) Ko-chan! One second! (She walks across the room and opens the door. Kodachi enters, a big silly grin on her face.) Kodachi: Guess what, Shampoo! I'm getting married! I asked him, and he agreed! (Shampoo stares, dumbstruck. Finally, she picks up a bonbori.) Shampoo: (sadly) I will have to fight you for him, you realize. Kodachi: (frowning) Why? I thought you loved Ranma. Shampoo: I do. And that's why I'm going to fight for him, much as I dislike this. Kodachi: (comprehending) Oh! No, Shampoo, you misunderstand. I'm marrying Soun Tendo, not Ranma. (Shampoo stares for a second time.) Shampoo: You marry Soun Tendo!? Violent Girl's father? Why? Kodachi: (dreamily) He's such a man...I can't understand what I ever saw in Ranma...he's so immature, not like Soun-sama... Shampoo: (hesitantly) Well....congratulations. I think. Kodachi: Will you be the maid of honor at the wedding? Shampoo: Of course.... (The two look at each other, and then giggle uncontrollably.) Shampoo: ....as long as you're my maid when I marry Ranma. Kodachi: (sobering) Of course. Now, how are we going to hook you up with him? Shampoo: (despairingly) I don't know. It seems I've tried everything...(her voice hardens)...but that was when he thought I was stupid. Now...now that I can actually talk..... Kodachi: (sternly) You have been practicing, yes? Shampoo: Yes! Listen; "The precipitation over Iberia descends primarily in the low-lying grasslands." Kodachi: By George, I think she's got it! AHaHahAHAhAHahaHa! Cologne: (emerging from a back room) No demonic cackling after business hours, girl. You're interrupting my meditation. Kodachi: Meditation? Cologne: Yes. A highly spiritual focusing used to relax the body and mind. From the Back Room: In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you! (Kodachi stares at Cologne, who slowly and with great dignity walks into the back room and closes the door.) Shampoo: (shrugging) Great-grandmother's a big fan. Even tried to audition as a voice actress once. Kodachi: Oh? Shampoo: Yes. They offered to cast her as the voice of one of the evil monster things. Kodachi: She must have been upset... Shampoo: Oh no, she was overjoyed. I believe she's in a couple of the episodes. Kodachi: (interested) Really? Which ones? Shampoo: I don't know, I don't watch the show. All I remember was that the main character whined a lot in each of the ones great-grandmother was in. Kodachi: That could be any of them, then... Shampoo: She even had her own sailor suit made. Kodachi: (picturing this for a second) I will never understand why some people think _I'm_ odd.... (Scene changes to the Tendo kitchen. Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki are sitting around the table.) Nabiki: I can't believe I passed out like that. Twice. Ranma: Why'd you do that, by the way? I mean, you're callous and amoral and *thwack* Akane: (putting away her mallet) That's my sister you're discussing. Nabiki: It's all right. I just had two thoughts hit me at once. First of all, "Kodachi? This is horrible!". Secondly, "We just married into half the Kuno fortune!". It was a bit too much to handle at the same time. And then when Kasumi made her announcement... Akane: So you'll help us break them up? Nabiki: (twisting in her seat) Can't we wait until after the wedding, when half the cash is legally ours? Akane: (annoyed) No. Nabiki: (wistfully) Oh well. It would have been nice to be independently wealthy. I'll just have to talk Kuno into giving Oneechan expensive pre-wedding gifts. Refundable ones. Ranma: (rubbing his head) I'm gonna go change outta my uniform. (As he leaves, Nabiki looks at Akane, a serious expression on her face.) Nabiki: Akane...I know this isn't a pleasant thought, but what are we going to do if it turns out Daddy and Kasumi's...condition...is permanent? Akane: (shuddering) Adapt, I suppose. I'd rather not think about it. Nabiki: I suppose...(she looks at the floor)...being in love has really made Kasumi sloppy. There's flour or sugar or something on the floor. (She reaches down and gets some on her finger, and lifts it up.) Nabiki: (sniffing it) It doesn't smell like eith....(her eyes glaze a bit, and then come back into focus. She stares at Akane, a strange expression moving across her face.) Akane: Nabiki? Something wrong? Nabiki: (staring at Akane) Wrong? Uh, no. Nothing. Gotta go, um, shower. Yes. Cold shower. Akane: I'll come with you. I'm a bit dirty myself... Nabiki: (sweating) Uh....no, I don't think.... Akane: (puzzled) Are you sure? I can soap your back for you... Nabiki: (gulping, blushing madly) Uh, got a appointment in town with a, um, citrus merchant, uh, yeah, gotta run, bye! (She runs out. Akane stares after her.) Akane: I wonder what all that was about. END OF EPISODE 4 EPISODE 5 - Everywhere You Go (You Always Take The Weather With You). (We open on the outside of Doctor Tofu's clinic, early morning. The sun is just beginning to rise, and pastoral music is heard in the background.) Tofu's Voice: (hysterical) _SHE SAID WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_ (We zoom inside the clinic, where Ranma and Akane are looking at Tofu, who is lying on the floor in a fetal position sucking his thumb and whimpering.) Akane: (embarrassed) Please get up, Doctor..you'll get your clothes dirty.... Ranma: (kneeling down) Aw, c'mon Doc. She can't really mean it. We think it's a spell or a potion of some sort. Tofu: (grabbing Ranma by the collar) You think? Really? Ranma: (turning blue) Arrggghh. Tofu: What's that supposed to mean? Akane: I think it means that he's not getting enough oxygen. Tofu: (peering at Ranma's face) I think you're right, Akane. He must have something lodged in his throat. Akane: (gently) I think it's more likely because you're cutting off his windpipe. Tofu: (distractedly) So I am. (he lets go, Ranma starts gasping in air) But what fiend would drug poor, wonderful Kasumi? Akane: (after thought) About half the people we know, if experience is any judge. Tofu: (intensely) You have to bring her in. If I can examine her...(he lapses into a mild coma at this prospect) Ranma: (still panting a little) Wonderful idea of yours, Akane. The Doc here's gonna be of as much use as Lynn Minmei at a quantum physicists' convention. Akane: (annoyed) Doctor Tofu! Snap out of it! (She slaps him across the face a few times, and he blinks.) Tofu: ...then I might be able to find a cure. Or at the very least give her a mild sedative until one can be found. I'll need to do a full physical....(boom, out like a light) Ranma: (disgusted) I've gotta get to work. If he spaces out, just hit him. You're good at that. Akane: (sweetly) Thank you. (Scene changes to the front of the Tendo Dojo. A exhausted Ryoga staggers up to the door.) Ryoga: Finally....I finally made it....haha.... (He knocks on the door, which is answered by Kasumi.) Kasumi: (brightly) Oh, hello Ryoga-kun! Ryoga: (doing a deer-in-the-headlights impression) Ahhhh...arrgh.. ..h-hello K-k-kasumi..... Kasumi: Would you like something to eat? I think we still have a ham sandwich or two left..... Ryoga: Aggggggg. Kasumi: (oblivious) Have you come for the wedding? Ryoga: (snapping out of it) What? Wedding? What? Kasumi: (smiling) Oh, it's going to be beautiful....I think they make a wonderful couple. Akane was a little upset when Daddy set the date, but I'm sure she'll adjust after a while.... Ryoga: (shaking with barely contained fury) Ranma.... Kasumi: Ranma? Oh, he seemed happy with the idea.... Ryoga: Where. Is. He. Kasumi: I think he's at work....he has a job with Animal Control now, you know....Ryoga-kun, have you been exposed to Cherenkov Radiation? You seem to be glowing and ionizing the air next to you.... Ryoga: (racing off) RANMA, TODAY YOU DIE FOR YOUR CRIMES!!!!! Kasumi: (bemusedly) Oh my! Soun: (emerging from the house) Who was that, Kasumi? Kasumi: Ryoga-kun. He wanted to know about the wedding. (smiles) He seemed very excited. Soun: (smiling) I just wish Akane was as happy about it as Ryoga...I'm afraid she's still taking it a little hard. She burned her stepmother in effigy on the lawn this morning. Kasumi: I understand that's a natural reaction. Why don't you ask Dr. Hasigawa when you see him today? Soun: (frowning) Ah yes, that's today...you know, I've been feeling a lot better lately. I think I'll go boating with Kodachi-chan instead. Kasumi: Oh. I'd better get Nabiki to cancel the appointment, then. Do you know where she is? Soun: Up in her room, I believe. She said something about redecorating. (Kasumi walks inside and up to Nabiki's room. ) Kasumi: (knocking) Nabiki? Nabiki: (from behind the door) Um. Kasumi. Come in. (Kasumi opens the door, and stares. Blown-up photos of Akane cover the walls, and a few cardboard figures of her are scattered around the room. Nabiki is sitting on her bed, looking through some photos.) Kasumi: Daddy's not going to be going to Doctor Hasigawa's today, Nabiki. Could you cancel the appointment? Nabiki: Hmm? Oh, sure thing, Oneechan. Kasumi: Okay, then...(hesitantly) Ah, Nabiki? Interesting decor.... Nabiki: (vaguely) Isn't it? You know, we've never really appreciated what a wonderful person Akane is... Kasumi: She's a very sweet girl, yes... Nabiki: (musing) And really built as well....incredible legs, and as for her hips....wow...just amazing thi.... Kasumi: She's a very sweet girl, yes... Nabiki: (looking a bit embarrassed) Yes. Um. Well, I'll call the doctor, then. Kasumi: Okay! (She leaves. Nabiki picks up the phone, and dials a number.) Nabiki: (into phone) Yes, hello? Dr. Hasigawa? Soun Tendo won't be coming in for his appointment, as he seems to have become a well-adjusted and happy person overnight....hello? Are you crying, doctor? Anyway, I'd like to know if I could substitute a patient. Who? Me. Why? I'd rather not say over the phone. This afternoon, then? Good. Bye now. (She hangs up the phone, and sighs.) Nabiki: Maybe I've just been working too hard. Falling madly in love with younger siblings is probably a normal result of stress. (she opens her laptop) Now, how on earth am I going to manage to buy those photos back from Kuno.... (Scene changes to a Nerima shopping center. Shampoo and Kodachi are browsing through a bridal store, trying to pick out a gown.) Shampoo: So it will be a Western-style ceremony? Kodachi: For me and Soun-sama, yes. My brother is insisting on a traditional wedding, and his bride agreed with him. (rolling eyes) Not that I think she'd be able to disagree with anything. They truly are perfect for each other. Shampoo: Your brother will be very happy. Kodachi: (sighing) I know. Pity, that. (holds up a dress) What do you think of this one? Shampoo: (critically) I don't know....leek isn't really your color. Voice: (from across the store) HE HAS TO HAVE COME HERE, IT'S THE ONLY BRIDAL SHOP IN NERIMA! Shampoo: Was that...? Kodachi: Yup. Come on, we'd better stop him before he wrecks the store. (The walk over to where an irate Ryoga is holding the storekeeper by his collar.) Storekeeper: Okay! Anything in the store at only 5% over cost, and that's cutting me own throat! Ryoga: (frustrated) I DON'T WANT A BLOODY TUXEDO, I WANT RANMA SAOTOME! Shopkeeper: Sorry guvnor, fresh out of them, gotta shipment coming in on Monday... Ryoga: AARRGGHH! Kodachi: (sweetly) Hello, Ryoga. Care to put down Mr. Diblah and tell us what the problem is? Ryoga: (setting down the shopkeeper) Oh, _you_. And you. That fiend Ranma's marrying Akane! Shampoo: (horrified) He is? That's horrible! When? Ryoga: (furrowing his brow) Cybernetic android double? Evil Possessing Ki-spirit? T-2000? Shampoo: No. It's me. Now tell me before I kill you. Ryoga: I'm not sure. Kasumi told me there was a wedding, and that Akane was upset about it.... (Kodachi and Shampoo glance at each other, nod in unison, and turn back to Ryoga.) Kodachi: Ryoga, you brainless hulk, you've got.... Shampoo: (quickly) ...to do something about it. (Kodachi gives Shampoo a puzzled look.) Ryoga: I will! With my new skills, Ranma won't stand a chance! Kodachi: (interested) New skills? Ryoga: Yes. After I left Nerima, I wandered for many days.... (The scene ripples in a neat flashback effect, reforming to show Ryoga walking across mighty oceans, swimming vast deserts, and hanging around various airports.) Ryoga's Voiceover: I wandered for untold weeks...was assailed by perils both human and natural....went without food and water for days....ran out of toilet paper... Kodachi's Voiceover: Thank you so very much for sharing that. Can we get on with the story? Ryoga's Voiceover: (annoyed) I'm getting there. Anyway, I walked the earth, much like Kane in "Kung Fu", getting in adventures, helping people.... (The flashback shows Ryoga spending a lot of time being thrown out of restaurants, being chased by people with shotguns, and demolishing small Nevadan towns.) Ryoga's Voiceover: ...And searching for the technique that would allow me to defeat Ranma once and for all! (The scene shows Ryoga standing before a man in a tweed gi.) Sensei: Are you prepared? Ryoga: Hai, Williams-Sensei. (They bow to each other, and snap into a fighting stance.) Sensei: The total output of the domestic edge of the nonfixed working base (as modified by the Keynesian Sliding Vector of monocapacity) may be plotted at irregular intervals by utilizing a Production Possibility Curve on the Mandlebrot Fixed Income Pattern, assuming that the base is to be measured in terms of M1, M2, or liverwurst, unless the wurst is accompanied by tariff duties of over 23% of the GNP of Outer Zibitnik, in which case the Veblin Yoyo Model is used along with the Planck Theory of Special Capital Disbursement in Quantum Variables, leading us, of course, to.... (Ryoga falls to the ground, fast asleep.) Ryoga's Voiceover: Don't mention that to Nabiki, by the way. None of the many schools I found had anything that would defeat Saotome. None, that is, until... (The scene shows Ryoga struggling up a snow-covered mountain, heavily bundled up.) Ryoga: (teeth chattering) Must...brr...defeat Ranma....gah.....and Kasumi... (He crests the mountain, and blinks. Before him is an ornate temple, the spires ending in radar dishes. Groups of robed men move about, talking and chanting. Oddly enough, the entire temple seems to be in the middle of summer. Ryoga gratefully moves out of the suddenly ending blizzard into the warm gardens surrounding the building. Seeing a robed man passing, he grabs him by the sleeve.) Ryoga: (politely) Excuse me. Is this the Temple of the Way of Gratuitous Death And Grievous Bodily Harm, perched high atop the ghoul-haunted peaks of fabled Hyperboria? Monk: No. It's the Temple of the Chaotic Weather Monks, perched high atop the celebrity-haunted peaks of fabled Aspen, Colorado. Close, though. Ryoga: Damn. Suppose I'd better be going. Monk: (speculative look) I don't suppose you're a wandering martial artist, traveling the globe on a noble quest for revenge, honor, and love? Ryoga: (amazed) Yes, actually. How'd you guess? Monk: (shrugging) We get a lot of you, especially in the off season. We have a Secret Ultimate Chaos Weather Finishing Technique workshop every weeknight, if you're interested. Ryoga: Sounds impressive. And you just teach it to anyone? Monk: (shocked) Oh, of course not! Ryoga: That's good... Monk: Only to those who pay the $500 workshop fee. Ryoga: (outraged) $500 American? For one lousy ultimate technique? Monk: (shrugging) What do you expect? This is Aspen. You should see the prices for ski rentals. Ryoga: What exactly is this place, anyway? Monk: Come along, and I shall show you. (He leads Ryoga through the gardens.) Monk: We are all devoted to meditating on the world's weather patterns, and the seemingly random actions that influence them. One day, we hope, we will discover the Unified Pattern, and the intentions of whatever deity you believe in will be revealed, thus bringing enlightenment. Ryoga: (impressed) That's very deep. Monk: The skiing's great, also. (He stops before a statue of a fat, smiling man, with the produce of the world at his feet. The monk bows, and performs abeisence.) Ryoga: Ah. You honor the Buddha. Monk: (blinking) Hmm? No, Willard Scott. Kodachi's Voiceover: Who? Ryoga's Voiceover: Some gaijin weather deity, who is locked in a never-ending struggle with the Kami Gum-Bel, Lord of the Present. Kodachi's Voiceover: Lord of the Present? Ryoga's Voiceover: Something like that. The monk said he was in charge of Today. Anyway, I stayed with the monks for a long time, learning the mechanics of chaos, the principles behind weather patterns, and the best slopes for snowboarding. Finally, after many long hours practice, I was taught the secret technique of the Chaotic Weather Monks.... (Scene changes to a ornate hall, lined with monks. Ryoga walks up to the their leader, who wears what appears to be a cross between monastic robes and a lab coat.) Head Monk: You have prepared yourself mentally and morally? Ryoga: Hai, Sensei. Head Monk: You have cleansed your Ki and Spirit by the sacred exercises? Ryoga: Hai, Sensei. Head Monk: You have the 500 bucks? Ryoga: Hai, Sensei. Do you take Visa? Head Monk: Of course. And now, I shall impart to you the secret maneuver of the Chaotic Weather Monks of Aspen - The Chaos Butterfly Weather Point! Ryoga: Butterfly? Head Monk: As you know, a butterfly flapping it's wings in India can cause storms in America. Chaos Theory teaches us that small elements introduced to a system cascade, turning into large elements. The Weather Point is a practical application of this. If you can see the patterns in the chaos, you can influence it. Ryoga: (skeptically) To do what? Head Monk: This. (His hands stab out with blinding speed, moving in a seemingly random pattern, sending drafts of air moving in certain directions. Suddenly, a storm cloud gathers outside.) Head Monk: See that bottle on the fence? (His hands move a different way. A bolt of lightning cracks down out of the cloud, striking the bottle and shattering it. The head monk ceases his thrusts, and the cloud slowly dissipates.) Ryoga: (impressed) Wow. Head Monk: Neat, huh? Didn't you ever wonder why the snow at Aspen was so good? Ryoga's Voiceover: It took me many long, hard days to gain the proper grasp of chaos and weather.... (Scene shows Ryoga throwing paint in random patterns at a canvas, while the head monk looks on.) Ryoga: (finishing) What do you think, Sensei? Head Monk: Very good. You are improving. (He snaps his fingers, and another monk comes in and removes the canvas, walks down to the town below, and sells it to a gallery for five grand.) Ryoga's Voiceover: ...But at long last, I mastered it! (Scene shows Ryoga outside, meditating. Finally, he stands, and moves his hands in a series of blinding sweeps. A dark cloud forms above him, and begins to rain.) P-chan: (triumpantly) Bwee! Bwee! Bweehahaha! (A man in a chef's hat emerges from a building, spots him, and begins to move forward, carving knife in hand. P-chan rears back on his hind legs, thrashes his hooves, and a hailstone the size of a watermelon lands on the man's head.) P-chan: Bweehahahaha!!!! (The flashback ends. Ryoga is laughing hysterically, while Kodachi and Shampoo eye him dubiously.) Shampoo: Gee, he's almost as good as you, Ko-chan. (Ryoga stops suddenly, and looks embarrassed.) Ryoga: Um. Anyway, do you know where Ranma might be? Shampoo: Probably at work, from what I've heard. Ryoga: Right. Animal control. (he turns toward where he imagines the door is) RANMA, TONIGHT YOU BURN IN HELL!!! (He charges off, breaking through the wall on the way out. Kodachi turn to Shampoo.) Kodachi: (puzzled) I don't get it. Why didn't you tell him it was a misunderstanding? Shampoo: (shrugging) Technique or not, Ranma will still beat the stuffing out of him, and my Airen could use the practice. If we're very lucky, he might even put the lost idiot in the hospital. Kodachi: Point. (she examines a dress) What do you think of this one? Shampoo: (impressed) Ooooh. I've never seen a wedding dress done in acid-etched black leather before. Kodachi: I think the spikes are a nice touch, too. Assertive, yet feminine. (Scene changes to Doctor Hasigawa's office. Hasigawa is staring mournfully at his appointment calender.) Hasigawa: (sadly) Ah, Mr. Tendo, it was very selfish to go sane like this. My poor article, gone like that.... Intercom: Nabiki Tendo to see you, Doctor. Hasigawa: (holding down a button) Send her in. (After a few moments, the door opens and Nabiki walks in.) Nabiki: Hi Doc. Hasigawa: Ah, Miss Tendo. Please sit down. (she does) So, your father has recovered, ja? Nabiki: So to speak. He's getting married in a few days. I'm sorry he couldn't come; I understand you were looking forward to studying him. Hasigawa: (dismissing wave) Well, Soun's just this guy, you know? Nabiki: Right. Anyway, (her voice becomes nervous) recently I've been getting these, um, feelings... Hasigawa: Feelings? Nabiki: For my younger sister. Hasigawa: (puzzled) Protective feelings? Nabiki: (wretchedly) Not exactly.... Hasigawa: Hmm. I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific. When you think of your sister and you, what leaps to mind? (Scene changes to the Animal Control car park, where the Pinto is resting. Ranma and Saburo slowly approach from opposite directions, stopping in front of the car.) Ranma: Morning, Saburo. Saburo: Ranma. (They silently regard the car for a second.) Ranma: You ready? Saburo: Nope. You? Ranma: Nope. Let's go. (They reluctantly take their seats in the car, pausing briefly to duct tape their respective doors back on.) Saburo: (starting the engine) Maybe yesterday was a fluke. I mean, surely it can't be that bad every day.... Ranma: Yeah. Yesterday was just bad luck. Nerima can't be that bad animalwise all the time. Today'll be a milk run. Saburo: (perking up) You think so? Ranma: No, not really. Saburo: Me either. (The radio begins to beep insistently. Ranma eyes it with a look people normally reserve for the more poisonous members of the viper family.) Saburo: (turning left) You might as well answer. Sugita was very clear on the "No response, no paycheck" bit. (Ranma reluctantly picks up the handset.) Ranma: (warily) Yeah, what is it? Radio: Mobile 23, we have a Code 695-Delta-B on the corner of Katai and Itai Streets. Ranma: Roger that. (he flips through the code list) "Code 695- Delta-B : Waterfowl with switchblade menacing citizens." Saburo: (relieved) That doesn't sound too bad. Ranma: (frowning) No, it doesn't. But I got a funny feeling about this... Saburo: Yeah? A good funny feeling or a bad one? Ranma: In this job? Take a guess, man. Saburo: (glumly) Right. (he sighs) Pays good, though. End of the week, I'm history. Ranma: (curious look) Why'd you take the job, anyway? Saburo: (blushing) Well, there's this girl...I finally got her to go out on a date, but I don't have any cash, so... Ranma: (impressed) ...So you're subduing rabid bears for the privilege of asking her out. Must be some girl. Saburo: (fervently) Oh, she is. I can't believe she actually agreed to go out with me... Ranma: (snorting) You're doing _this_ for her, and you wonder why? Whoever she is, you're too good for her. Saburo: (turning the corner) You know her, actually. She's Uk - Holy Shit Look At That...... Ranma: (groaning) Great. I thought this might be it. (Scene changes back to Dr. Hasigawa's office. Hasigawa is staring at Nabiki.) Nabiki: (dreamily) ...while the warm water washes over our entwined bodies. That's what springs to mind. Doctor? Hello? Hasigawa: (staring) Um. Well, this is rather unusual... Nabiki: Do you think it could be stress? Hasigawa: No...no, I am not thinking this is likely. I believe it is what we call a Sappho-behavioral Orientation With Inter-Familial Subhormonal Altered Perception/Desire Complex. Nabiki: And what does that mean? Hasigawa: You're a lesbian bent on incest. Nabiki: (indignantly) I am _not_ a lesbian! Hasigawa: That was the impression I got from your monologue. Ever think of selling the film rights? Nabiki: (upset) But I like guys! Hasigawa: You do? Well, then, it seems I was mistaken. Nabiki: Good! Hasigawa: You're a bisexual bent on incest. Nabiki: NO! I'm not attracted to women, just my sister! And not even that until yesterday! Hasigawa: (furrowing his brow) Aha. Has there been any, ah, dramatic change in your family or social life? Nabiki: Well, my father's getting married to a girl younger than me...aside from that, no. Hasigawa: I see. Well, these two things are likely related. I think what you are having, Fraulein Tendo, is a subconscious response to your father's marriage. In a effort to protest and identify with him, you too display interest in a younger woman. Might even have a article in it, or at the very least an HBO special. Nabiki: (concerned) Can you help? Hasigawa: Well, they would certainly have me help as a technical consultant, and might even have me play myself... Nabiki: (annoyed) I mean can you cure me, you idiot. Hasigawa: (blinking) Hmm? Oh, yes, with therapy I am thinking you will quickly lose these impulses. Have you told your sister? Nabiki: Hell no. Hasigawa: I am thinking this is perhaps for the best. In my professional opinion it might disturb her to learn that her older sister wishes to sleep with her. Nabiki: (sarcastically) Gee, the things they teach you in med school. Hasigawa: Oh yes, they are quite thorough. So, I believe I wish to see you three times a week. With effort, I hope to see a recovery within a month. Nabiki: (relieved) Thank you, Doctor. (she pauses) They'd pay good money for the story rights, eh? Hasigawa: Oh yes. I understand there's an enormous market for this sort of thing. Nabiki: Would they change the names? Hasigawa: I believe so... Nabiki: (reflectively) Hmm. (Scene changes to the Tendo home. Kasumi is on the phone.) Kasumi: ...Yes, plane fare included. Why? I'm not sure, but she was very insistent...yes, the fee's payable in advance...what? No, we don't expect heavy fighting...last time? What last...oh, I see. Okay, then! Bye! (She hangs up the phone. Soun walks in.) Kasumi: The wedding's almost all planned, daddy. I only have a few more guests to invite. Soun: I see. Good. And the caterers? Kasumi: Shampoo is doing most of the food, and a firm from the city is doing the rest. A Unryuu and Daughter. And I just got off the phone with the band Kodachi recommended. (Scene changes to a disreputable looking bar, where four scruffy- looking gaijin are standing around looking puzzled.) Gaijin 1: Cor, all the way to Tokyo? Oi never been to Japan.. Gaijin 2: Neither have I, but they're paying for the plane fare. And our salary's obscenely large, just for one wedding. Gaijin 3: Good gig. (The fourth one bursts into tears.) Gaijin 1: Aww, don't take it so hard.... Gaijin 3: Buck up. Gaijin 4: (tearfully) 'm sorry...ah, but it's cruel hard ta be hearin' it... END OF EPISODE 5 EPISODE 6 - Duck and Cover. (The scene opens on a street corner in Nerima. On it, a duck with knives sprouting from between it's wings is fending off an assortment of men in chef's hats. The patrol Pinto has just pulled up.) Saburo: (staring) Now there's something you don't see every day. Ranma: Speak for yourself. I shoulda known this was coming. (The two push open the doors, which obligingly fall off.) Ranma: (getting out) We're beginning to run out of duct tape. After we get Mousse, we'd better stop and buy some more. Saburo: (puzzled) Moose? What moose? Ranma: (pointing) Over there. Saburo: (gently) Ranma, that's a duck. Moose have antlers and hooves; big, foul-smelling gahlumphing things. Are you feeling okay? Ranma: No, I mean the duck's name is Mousse. (Saburo thinks about this for a second.) Saburo: Wouldn't it have made more sense to name it "Duck"? Ranma: Never mind. (yelling) Mousse! Hey, Mousse! Over here! (The duck ignores him, and goes on to take off the upper half of one of the chefs' hat.) Saburo: Urr. I don't know if I can hit it with the tranq gun...it's an awfully small target... Ranma: No sweat. I'll just charge in, hit him a bit, and that'll be that. Saburo: Right. The normal plan. Be careful, okay? (Ranma walks out towards the brawl. The majority of the chefs are fleeing in disarray.) Ranma: (cheerfully) Yo, Mousse! You're under arrest! You gonna come quietly? (turns to Saburo) Always wanted to say that. (The duck stares at Ranma, snarling balefully.) Saburo: (musing) I didn't know ducks could snarl. (The duck leaps for Ranma, a series of razor sharp blades sprouting from it's wings and feet.) Ranma: (dodging) Hey, what's the big idea? I just want to help you! C'mon, get in the car and I'll take you to the Nekohanten. Saburo: (calling) I don't think offering to take it to a Chinese restaurant is gonna get you in good with it, Ranma. Especially one that makes such a good Peking Duck.... (The duck flaps into a spin, and a barrage of razor-sharp blades and shuriken fly towards Ranma. Startled, he dodges most of them...but a knife opens a slash on his forehead.) Ranma: (upset) That's it, duck-boy. You're going down. (he jumps at it) TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN! (The duck takes the ridiculous amount of punches, and keels over. Ranma picks it up by one leg and takes it back to the car.) Ranma: We got a pot or something? Something we can boil water in? Saburo: (uncertain) I can understand why you might feel vindictive, Ranma, but I don't think we're allowed to cook animals we catch. Ranma: I don't want to cook him, I just want to pour hot water on him. Saburo: (horrified) Torture a poor, dumb animal? That's sick! Ranma: (groaning) Not scalding water, _warm_ water. So Mousse'll change back. Saburo: (skeptically) Warm water turns the duck into a moose? You'd better let me have a look at that head wound. Ranma: Never mind! I'll take care of it later. Hand me the duct tape, I'll secure his wings and legs. Saburo: Ah, you mean duck tape. Here you go. (Ranma rolls his eyes. Scene changes to the Tendo living room, where Akane is talking on the phone.) Akane: (into the phone) Yes, Doctor Tofu...I'll try to get her to come in. What? No, I don't think a kidnap attempt would be a good idea at this point. I'll keep you posted, doctor. Right. Bye. (She hangs up the phone. The door opens, and in walks Kuno and Nabiki.) Nabiki: (wheedling) ....buy them back for triple what you paid. After all, you don't need them now that you're in love with Kasumi, right? Kuno: I would keep them as a remembrance of what we once meant to each other. And what is filthy money to one such as I? (notices Akane) Ah, Akane-san! Akane: (bracing herself) Sorry, Kuno-sempai, I have no time to date today. Kuno: (puzzled) I'm very sorry. But do you know where your sister is? (Nabiki is trying not to stare hungrily at Akane, and failing.) Akane: I think she's up on the roof, Sempai. Kuno: On the roof? Why is my love up there? Surely she is not forced to mend it! Akane: Oh no, nothing like that. She's just flashing bursts of light at the sky in a series of timed pulses. Kuno: (very puzzled) Whyfor does she do this? Akane and Nabiki: (mechanically) It is a very normal thing to do that we should take no notice of. Nor should we ask her about it. We will go about our business. Kuno: I see. Well, I shall ascend to the heavens to be with my lady! Goodbye, Tendo Nabiki-san. I hope you have better luck with your schedule, Akane-san. (He leaves. Akane watches him go, her face grim.) Akane: This is worse than I thought. He didn't even make a pass at me, or recite any bad poetry. I guess he really has it bad for Kasumi. Nabiki: (staring at Akane) Yeah. Got it bad. Akane: (studying Nabiki) Oneechan, I know that look. And I know what you're thinking. Nabiki: (horrified) Y-you do? Akane: Of course. The word "Lust" is practically written all over your forehead. Nabiki: (scared) Um, er, haha..... Akane: ...but I don't have any money at the moment, sis. So whatever plan you just came up with to make a few quick yen off me will have to wait. Nabiki: (relieved) Oh. Oh yes! (slams fist into palm) Darn, and it was such a good plan to get your bod, er, money! Yes, money! That's what I was after! Er. Akane: (concerned) Are you feeling okay, Nabiki? Nabiki: Oh, um, just a bit stressed. You know stress, causes people to act funny. Just ignore me. Akane: (sympathetic) Poor Nabiki. This marriage hasn't been easy on you either, has it? Nabiki: You have no idea... Akane: (kindly) I think I can guess. Nabiki: (fervently) Oh, I hope not. (Akane impulsively hugs Nabiki.) Akane: (eyes closed) Don't worry, sis. We'll stop the marriages. Why, Doctor Tofu told Ranma and I.....um, Oneechan? Nabiki: (dreamily) Yes? Akane: (eyes still closed) Why is your tongue in my ear? And what are you doing with your hands? Nabiki: (pulling back hastily) You must be imagining things, sis, it's right here in my mouth, see, where it belongs, stress must be getting to you too, better go now, bye! (She dashes off. Akane stares after her, then shrugs and sits down.) Akane: Poor Nabiki. (her stomach rumbles) Hmm, almost lunchtime. (She walks over to a window and opens it.) Akane: (calling) Kasumi, will you be fixing lunch today? Kasumi's Voice: Not today, Akane-chan. The stars are not yet right. Akane: (calling) Okay! Um, is Kuno up there? Kuno:'s Voice: Indeed I am. I am holding your lovely sister's plasma tracking device in place. Akane: (joking tone) Now now, not til after the wedding! (Puzzled silence.) Akane: (sighing) Never mind. (she closes the window.) Gee, maybe they aren't such a bad match after all....ugh, what am I thinking! Now, lunch....hmm, maybe I'll go to the Ucchan's. (Scene changes to the patrol Pinto, as it slowly pulls up before Ucchan's. With the inevitable clatter of the doors, bumpers, and headlights falling off, Ranma and Saburo emerge.) Ranma: (enthusiastically) ...one of the best restaurants in Nerima. Well, this and the Nekohanten. But I'd have to deal with Shampoo and her grandmother there. You ever been here? Saburo: (nodding) Yup. Good food, better hostess. Ranma: (cocking an eye at him) You like her, huh? Saburo: Oh yes. (looks nervous) Um, that okay with you? I mean, I understand you two have a history... Ranma: (grinning) Nah, I think you two would be great together. (frowns) Better than this guy she has a date with, anyway. I dunno bout him... Saburo: (gulping) Oh? What have you heard about m..., er, this guy? Ranma: She really doesn't know much about him...he's probably some smooth-talking womanizer out to take advantage of her. (he scowls) If he makes her uncomfortable, or tries anything funny, I'll shove his head up his... Saburo: (laughing nervously) I'm sure he can't be that bad. Ranma: Huh. (he brightens) Hey, maybe I can set her up with you, instead! Yeah! Saburo: (rolling his eyes) Look, Ranma, I'm the.... Ranma: (dismissive gesture) No need to thank me. Just trying to do a favor for two friends. (They enter the restaurant. Ukyo spots them, smiles, and hurries over.) Ukyo: Ranchan! Saburo! I didn't know you two knew each other. Saburo: Yeah, we're partners in Animal Control. I drive, he wrestles psychopathic dire wolves to the ground. Real fair distribution of labor. Ranma: (frowning) Now, that ain't entirely true...Saburo here has handled some of the tougher cases. Like the one on Sakeda Street this morning. Saburo: Ranma, that was a housecat. Ranma: (dramatically) Fearlessly, he approached the beast, while I hid behind the car... Saburo: A twenty-year-old housecat. With arthritis and no teeth. Ranma: (oblivious) With no thought to his own safety, he grappled the... Saburo: It died on the way here. Heart failure. Ranma: (finishing) The city is safe again. Ukyo: (grinning) Very brave. So, what do you two want to eat? Ranma: The usual. Saburo: Um, I'll have what he's having, I suppose. Ukyo: Right. 169 okonomiyaki, coming up. Saburo: On second thought, I'll have 1/23th of what he's having. Ukyo: (winking) Probably wise. Ranma: (thoughtful look) Oh....Saburo, could you run check on Mousse real quick? I'm not sure I used enough duck tape. Saburo: Sure. (he starts to rise) Ukyo: (startled) You guys caught a moose? Saburo: (while leaving) No, a duck. Ranma: No, Mousse. Ukyo: (puzzled) Is it a duck or a moose? Ranma: (sighing) Mousse. From the Nekohanten. You know, with the Jusenkyo duck curse? Anyway, what d'ya think of Saburo? Ukyo: He's a nice guy. You seem to approve of him, at any rate. Ranma: Yeah, he's great. I was lucky to get him as a partner. (winces) Now, about this date... Ukyo: (awkward smile) Yeah. I'm sorta looking forward to it. It's a real relief you approve of the guy taking me out. Ranma: (frowning) I don't. I think he's wrong for you. Probably a real jerk. Ukyo: (startled) But you just said he was great! Ranma: I said no such thing! Ukyo: But you....well....so you think I should call it off? Ranma: Yup. Find someone who isn't slime. Saburo: (reentering from the street) The duck...uh, the moose is fine, Ranma. Ranma: (grinning) Thanks, buddy. Let's eat! Ukyo: (thinking) (There's a temporary silence as Ranma wolfs down a ludicrous number of okonomiyaki. Saburo polishes off his with not-quite- equal gusto.) Ranma: (finishing) That was great. Thanks, Ucchan. (snaps his fingers) Say, I've got an idea. Saburo, why don't you take Ukyo out to eat this Wednesday? Saburo: (blinking) I was planning... Ranma: (elbowing him) Whatever your plans were, you can put them aside, neh? Saburo: (puzzled) I'm going to take Ukyo out on Wednesday. Ranma: Good! Ukyo: (baffled) Good? But you said... Ranma: So, you up for it Ukyo? Ukyo: (scratching her head) Well, yes, but I thought you wanted... Ranma: (beaming) Good! It's arranged. Ukyo and Saburo: (exchanging what-the...? looks) Yeah, it's arranged. (Akane walks in the door, spots Ranma and Ukyo, and heads over. Her expression is rather forbidding.) Akane: (dangerously) So, Ranma. I see you're eating lunch with Ukyo. Ranma: (gulping) Actually, I'm eating lunch with Saburo who is eating lunch with Ukyo. (hopeful look) Wanna join us? Akane: (smiling sweetly) I wouldn't want to impose on them. Why don't we move to that empty booth over there? Ranma: But...(notes Akane's expression)...okay. (They get up and take a seat in the booth. Ukyo and Saburo exchange glances.) Ukyo: Um. I don't suppose Ranchan's been acting strangely today? Saburo: (nodding) Matter of fact, he has. He took a nasty blow to the head bringing down that duck. Ukyo: Mousse? Saburo: (nodding) Yes, he thinks it's a moose. Ukyo: (worried) And then he kept changing his mind...keep an eye on him for me, okay? (Meanwhile, in the booth, Akane explains the situation to Ranma.) Akane: (muttering) Baka. Sneaking off to be with Ukyo while my father and Kasumi are heading for a fate worse that death.. Ranma: (exasperated) I had to eat somewhere! And Ucchan's the the best place in town that doesn't serve drugged food. Or would you have preferred me eating at the Nekohanten? Akane: (frowning) Don't make excuses. Anyway...Doctor Tofu says he can come up with a cure, but he needs to examine Kasumi first. And it would help if he had a sample of the drug or spell used. Ranma: Okay...we'll just tell her it's for a routine check-up. No problem. Akane: Kuno stopped by. He was polite to me. (Ranma stares in disbelief.) Akane: (nodding) Yup. It was like I was someone he had just met on the bus. Didn't try to hit on me, date me, grope me.... Ranma: (annoyed) You don't need to sound so disappointed. Akane: He really has it bad for Kasumi. When I left they were.. ..um....funny, I don't remember what they were doing. It was something completely ordinary and unremarkable. Not at all the kind of thing I should notify the government or media about. Ranma: Um. Right. Well, look, I've gotta get back to work, but when I get off we can take Kasumi down to the clinic. (he sighs) Now we just need to find a way to keep the doc's head out of the clouds. Akane: (curious) Why's the other guy in the uniform eating with Ukyo, anyway? Ranma: Hmm? Oh, Saburo. I got her a date with him. Akane: Didn't she already have a date? Ranma: Yeah, but Saburo's better for her. At least I can trust him to look after her. Akane: Whatever. I just hope I get to order soon. I'm going to get three specials, I think. What about you? Ranma: (shrugging) I just ate. I might have a soda or something before I go. Booth Table: Sure thing. Be right back. (The table wanders off into the kitchen. Ranma and Akane watch it go.) Ranma: Tsubasa's really pretty good at them disguises. The metalshop teacher calls him "Sensei", I hear. Akane: (wistfully) And he's got great fashion sense, too. (Scene changes to the front door of the Tendo Dojo, where Shampoo and Kodachi are waiting for someone to answer the door.) Kodachi: So remember, try to talk to him about intelligent things. Impress on him that you aren't a gorgeous, deadly, Amazon bimbo. Shampoo: But Ko-chan, I _am_ a gorgeo.... Kodachi: Well, yes, but you're more than that! Shampoo: (dubiously) I am? Kodachi: (firmly) You are. After all, you know enough about selective bone breaking, drugging, and highly annoying hair-care shiatzu to be the envy of any, um, psychotic barber moonlighting as a torturer. Shampoo: (brightening) This is true.... Kodachi: And you make a good bowl of ramen. Shampoo: So can any college student. Kodachi: Ah, but your Peking Duck is superb. Shampoo: (smiling thinly) I had motivation. (glares at door) What's taking so long? Kodachi: Plot device. We weren't done with our conversation. (The door opens, revealing Nabiki talking on a cell phone.) Nabiki: (to phone) ...Yes, I think 5,000,000 yen is an acceptable sum. Who will you cast in the starring role? Oh? Okay...and you _will_ change the names, neh? Good. Yes, I'll notify you if there turns out to be a (shivers) sex scene. Okay. Bye. (she hangs up, and turns to the other two) What do you want? Kodachi: I'm here to see Soun-sama, and Shampoo's here to see Ranma. Nabiki: (dripping sarcasm) How touching. Alas, neither of those two gentlemen are in at the moment. You might as well go home and resort to electricity. Kodachi: (eyes narrowing) Where are they? Nabiki: I understand you can purchase one at any good marital aids store. Shampoo: (impatient) Where's Ranma, she means. Nabiki: Ranma? Soun? Gee, I don't know.... Kodachi: (scowling, rummaging around in her pocket) So, it's like that. (she pulls out a wad of yen and hands it to Nabiki) Here you go. Nabiki: (innocently) For me? Kodachi: (gritting her teeth) A gift. Now, where is Soun and Ranma? Nabiki: I honestly have no idea. Thanks for the yen, though. Bye! (She shuts the door. Kodachi and Shampoo stare at the doorknob for a second.) Kodachi: (calmly) Tell me again why I'm not going to kill her. Shampoo: She's the daughter of the man you're going to marry. Kodachi: Thank you. Shampoo: You're welcome. Tell me again why I'm not going to kill her. Kodachi: (puzzled) I don't think there _is_ a reason, actually. Shampoo: (smiling broadly) Good. (Scene changes to the patrol Pinto, parked outside the Nekohanten. Ranma has just emerged from the restaurant, a cup of hot water in one hand.) Ranma: Yo, Saburo! Bring out the duck! Saburo: The duck's sleeping... Ranma: (grinning) Well, I guess you're just gonna havta go wake him up, now, won't you? (Saburo emerges from the Pinto, carrying the aforementioned waterfowl.) Saburo: Ah. Hot water? Ranma: Yup. Gonna change him back. Here, watch this! (Ranma splashes the duck.) Saburo: (after a few seconds) Um. Amazing. With only a cup of hot water, you've turned a perfectly normal duck into a angry, wet duck. Ranma: (horrified) Oh my God! He's stuck in his cursed form! Saburo: That's bad, right? Ranma: Right! Poor Mousse....and what if it happens to me! Saburo: Very tragic story. Um, look, we've gotta get going...why don't you stick the duck in the back, and we'll figure out what to do with him later. Ranma: (shaken) Yeah...yeah, okay... (The two get into the car, and begin driving.) Saburo: (turning right) I wouldn't worry too much about it. By the way, hadn't you better see a doctor about that cut on your head? Ranma: This? Aw, it's nothing...say, isn't that Ryoga? Saburo: (slamming on the brakes) That we're about to hit? Yeah... (The car screeches to a halt mere millimeters from Ryoga. The Lost Boy doesn't seem to notice; his fighting aura is making it difficult to look directly at him.) Ranma: (rolling down the window) Hey, Pig-Boy! Watch where you're going! We almost turned you to Bak-O-Bits! Ryoga: (enraged) RANMA, TODAY YOU DIE FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO AKANE! Saburo: (scribbling rapidly on a sheet of paper) Lessee, "I, Natami Saburo, being of sound mind and body, declare this my official will and testament..." Ranma: (cheerfully) A fight, eh? Okay, hold on! (He jumps out of the car, and snaps into a fighting stance.) Ranma: Ready when you are, P-chan. Ryoga: DON'T CALL ME P-CHAN! Ranma: Ready when you are, Ped Xing. (Ryoga snarls, and begins to execute an elaborate pattern with his hands for a few seconds.) Ranma: (snorting) Calisthenics, Ryoga? You need to warm up before trying to kill me? Saburo: (looking up from his writing) That's funny...where'd those clouds come from? Ryoga: DIE, RANMA! CHAOS BUTTERFLY WEATHER POINT! (A lightning bolt streaks down from the newly gathered storm clouds. Ranma leaps out of the way just in time, as the bolt gouges a small crater in the asphalt.) Ranma: (amazed) What the...? Okay, Ryoga.... (Ranma charges for Ryoga, dodging the bolts that rain down.) Ryoga: (thinking) (aloud) Ha! Akane will be mine, all mine! Ranma: (who's almost reached Ryoga) Dream on, you walking ham! (Ryoga suddenly makes a sweeping gesture, and a funnel cloud forms, with him at the eye of it. Ranma, who has almost reached him, is picked up by the edge of the cloud, swirled around at a enormous speed, and sent flying into a wall. He hits hard, causing cracks to appear in the brickwork. Shaking his head slowly, Ranma stumbles to his feet.) Ranma: (dazed) Somehow he's controlling the weather! How am I supposed to fight that? Ryoga: (thinking) (aloud) Ranma, prepare to meet your end! Weather Point Finish - Northern Lights Strike! (He moves his arms frantically, and a aurora borealis plasma display begins to build in the upper atmosphere.) Saburo: This is not good. (yells) Ranma, get in! Ranma: Um...good idea....(he leaps into the car) Hit it! (Saburo steps on the gas. A sputtering sound is heard.) Saburo: It won't start! Ranma: Do something! Saburo: Like what, use my kami-given mystic power over car engines? Get out and push! Ranma: That's it! (braces himself against the back of the front seat, and points backwards) MOKO TAKABISHA! (The recoil from the ki blast moves the car forward a few inches, and the motor catches. Saburo guns the engine, just as a greenish plasma discharge crackles down where they had been a second before. The car accelerates; the expanding plasma explosion's force pushing it even faster.) Saburo: (glancing in the rearview mirror) Cool. Just like "Independence Day". (notices something) Hey, Hibiki! Get out of the *THUNKBUMPBUMP* whoops, too late. (calls back) Sorry! Ranma: Well, I always thought this block was pretty ugly anyway. And it'll give the construction companies work, which'll create new jobs. Saburo: (a bit rattled) You think we hurt him? Ranma: (unconcerned) Ryoga? With this thing? It would take at least a 18-wheeler to do any serious damage. (he frowns) That was pretty odd, though. Saburo: (maniac grin) You mean the stream of green plasma smashing down from the sky and leveling an entire block? Yeah, I guess that was a bit out of the ordinary. Ranma: Naw, not that. I mean the way Ryoga nimbly leaped out of the way of the Pinto. Saburo: (puzzled) Ranma, he didn't nimbly leap out of the way. He was nimbly run over. Ranma: Exactly! A martial artist of his ability should have easily been able to get out of the way in time. Saburo: Maybe he has a death wish. Ranma: (skeptically) Via a Pinto? Saburo: Okay, a Grievious Bodily Harm Wish. Ranma: (thoughtful) Well, that would explain why he fights me all the time...but I think it's far more likely that it's due to some hidden flaw in the technique, which I will go on to exploit and win once again. Saburo: Yeah? Ranma: Yup. That's how it always works. You'd think Ryoga would have learned by now... (A ways behind them, Ryoga, a tire mark covering his face, is struggling to his feet.) Ryoga: (yelling after the retreating car) Ranma! Come back and fight, you coward! (sighs) Damn. I almost had him. (He looks around at the rubble.) Ryoga: Whoops. Guess I shouldn't use the finish inside the city. (A car pulls up, and two westerners in formal clothes get out; one male, one female. They survey the scene.) Man: They've struck again! Woman: Nonsense. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explaination behind all of this. Man: (dramatically) It's a conspiracy! Open your eyes! (turns to Ryoga) You, with the umbrella! Which way did the aliens go? Ryoga: (bewildered) Aliens? What are you talking about? Woman: See? There's a perfectly logical reason for all of this. Man: (gasps) The fiends have brainwashed him! (to Ryoga) Do you know a "Kasumi Tendo"? Ryoga: (turning pale) Y-yes, why? You don't want me to go near her, do you? Man: (triumphantly) You see? Open your eyes! The truth is out there! Woman: (weakly) Nonsense. I'm sure there's a rational and scientific reason for all of this... Man: Come! We must get permission from the local government to shoot things! Woman: (brightening) Okay! (They get back in the car and drive off. Ryoga watches them go.) Ryoga: (snorting) Americans. (Scene changes to a street in Nerima. Akane and Soun are walking home.) Soun: (puzzled) So. Why did Doctor Tofu need a blood sample? Akane: Um...it's a new procedure. You have to get a complete physical before marriage. Soun: I see. But why did the doctor keep screaming "How could you permit..." and then break down in tears? Akane: (nervously) I think he was just upset at the amount of cholesterol you've been eating. He gets very involved with his patients. (Suddenly, Shampoo and Kodachi turn the corner.) Shampoo: This new learning amazes me, Ko-chan. Explain again how sheep's... Kodachi: Soun-sama! Soun: Kodachi-chan! (As the love theme from "The Sound of Music" plays, they run into each others arms. Soun picked Kodachi up and swings her around joyfully.) Akane: (disgusted) Daddy, pleas(one of Soun's wider twirls brings Kodachi's feet in contact with her head)Urk. Shampoo: (wincing) Ooh, and in stiletto heels, too. That's gonna leave a mark. (Soun and Kodachi merrily bounce off together, taking the romantic music with them. Shampoo strolls over to Akane, who's trying to sit up.) Shampoo: (conversationally) Nasty crack on the head, there. Nice weather we're having. How 'bout them Yankees? Seen Ranma? Akane: (eyes unfocused) Oogggghtph.... Shampoo: Oh dear, you don't say? Akane: Uhhhh....daddy no baka.... Shampoo: Quite. Now, where's Ranma? Akane: (standing) Go chase a mouse. Shampoo: (frowning) What's your problem, Akane? What have I ever done to you? Akane: (pausing) Let's see....you've drugged me, tried to kill me more times than I can count, erased my memory.... Shampoo: (hastily) Okay, stupid question. But I haven't done any of that lately, have I? Akane: (scowling) Not unless you were the one who wound up drugging or enchanting my father, my sister, and the Kunos... Shampoo: (shocked) Someone drugged Ko-chan? When...? Akane: A few nights ago. Love potion. Shampoo: (reflectively) I thought the romance developed awfully quickly... Akane: So it wasn't you? Shampoo: (seriously) Kodachi is my friend, Akane. There's a difference between "cunning" and "treachery". Akane: (suspiciously) All's fair in love and war. Shampoo: Lovers come and go, but friendship is forever. Akane: Love conquers all. Shampoo: Loose lips sink ships by the horns of a sow's ear, but you can't make a silk purse out of the hair of the dog that bit you. Akane: (blinking) Can't argue with that, I suppose. So are you going to help cure her? Shampoo: Nope. Akane: But you just said..! Shampoo: I wouldn't drug her, true. But she's happy this way, and it means we won't eventually have to fight to the death over Ranma, which neither of us was looking forward to. So I'm just going to sit this one out. Akane: (snarling) This isn't over between us. Shampoo: (smiling) No, I suppose it isn't. In fact, I strongly suspect I'll wind up killing you and your sister. But not yet. See you around, Akane. (Shampoo strolls off. Akane glares at her as she leaves.) Akane: (muttering) One of these days I'm gonna toss a bucket of ice water on her, and take her to the vet's to be spayed. (She walks home slowly, absorbed in her own thoughts.) Akane: (thinking) Speaking of which, I wonder if I should have P- chan fixed...that might stop him from wandering away so often. And they say the procedure is fairly painless... (She arrives home, and opens the door to find Kasumi waiting with a measuring tape.) Kasumi: (hurrying over) Ready for the big day tomorrow, Akane- chan? Akane: What's with the measuring tape, Oneechan? And what big day? Kasumi: (taking Akane's measurements) It's for your bridesmaid's dress. The wedding's tomorrow. (pauses) Akane, dear, front doors are expensive. Please don't knock holes in them like...oh my. Well, I suppose we needed a new pair anyway. END OF EPISODE 6 EPISODE 7 - Places, Everybody..... (The scene opens on the interior of Ucchan's, late evening. Ukyo is cleaning up the tables, her expression somewhat distracted.) Ukyo: (to herself) I hope Ranchan's all right. Head wounds can be nasty, and he's been acting so strangely lately. That and he's been eating here every day... maybe he really does still care for me? (A knock comes from the front door.) Ukyo: (calling) We're closed! Voice: (from the door) WHERE IS THE TENDO DOJO? Ukyo: (sighing) Ryoga. Oh joy. (shouting) Where it normally is! Ryoga: Ukyo? Is that you? Ukyo: No, it's someone who sounds exactly like Ukyo who just happens to be in her restaurant after closing hours. Ryoga: Ah. Sarcasm. Ukyo: Gee, you're quick. (The door opens, and Ryoga walks in, looking annoyed.) Ryoga: No need to be unpleasant. We're both on the same side, remember? Ukyo: (shrugging) The Win-My-Love-Through-Violence-And- Trickery side? No. I quit. Ranchan knows how I feel; if he comes to me, fine, if not, his loss. Ryoga: (smiling nastily) That's very well-adjusted of you. I can see you're completely over Ranma. Ukyo: (nodding) Yup. The poor guy doesn't know what he's missing. Ryoga: And, of course, it doesn't bother you in the least that he's marrying Akane tomorrow. Ukyo: Nope. Doesn't bothe... (freezes) If this is your idea of a joke, I'm gonna make okonomiyaki out of your kidneys. Ryoga: (glum look) I'm not. Believe me, I wish I were. Akane isn't very happy about the idea, either. Ukyo: (pale) Maybe whoever told you about it was lying, you know, as a way to get at Ranchan... Ryoga: (sarcastically) Why, of course. Why didn't I see it before? I should have known better that to trust the word of Kasumi Tendo, Mistress of Deceit and Treachery. Ukyo: Damn. So what do we plan on doing about about it? Ryoga: (raising an eyebrow) We? I thought you were completely over Ranma. Ukyo: I said I'm leaving it up to him. Kasumi told you Akane wasn't happy with the marriage, right? Ryoga: (scowling) Yes. (growls) Saotome, you cur... (Ukyo smacks him over the head with her combat spatula.) Ukyo: Right. Kasumi said this. The same person who thinks Akane and Shampoo are ever such good friends. If Akane's reaction was enough to travel from Earth to whatever world it is Kasumi occupies, it must have been pretty severe. I bet Ranchan isn't happy with it either, but you know him. Honorbound to go along with it. Ryoga: (rubbing his head) Kasumi said he seemed happy with it... Ukyo: (sighing) Kasumi, remember? All that means is that he didn't knock any holes in the walls. Ryoga: Point. Akane does tend to, ah, express herself... Ukyo: Yeah, the way nuclear missiles express themselves. Ryoga: (scowling) Watch it. Akane isn't the one who played "Have Spatula, Will Travel" over something a six-year-old did. Ukyo: (annoyed) Oh, you're one to talk. I never tried to kill anyone over rolls. School cafeteria rolls, for crying out loud! They used to put them out to kill roaches with at my old school. Ryoga: (hotly) That's not why! Ranma's made my life a living hell by... (he trails off, realizing what he's about to reveal) Ukyo: (tapping her foot) By? Ryoga: (weakly) Nothing. Forget it. Ukyo: Uh-huh. Tell yourself that, not me. Ryoga: Huh. (They glare at each other for a few seconds. Finally, Ukyo walks over to the coatrack, and grabs her jacket. Placing it on the table, she begins to hit it repeatedly with the combat spatula.) Ryoga: (nervously) Ah, Ukyo? I think you've broken its spirit by now... Ukyo: (looking up) What? (she looks slightly embarrassed) Oh. Tsubasa's been getting awfully clever lately. Just making sure. Ryoga: (skeptically) Oh, come on. Trashcans and bushes I can see, but don't you think mauling jackets is a being a bit paranoid? Ukyo: (grimly) I thought so too, before this morning. (shudders) If I hadn't decided to iron that pair of jeans before putting them on... Anyway, I take it you haven't spoken to Ranma yet? Ryoga: (squirming) Well... sort of. Ukyo: "Sort of"? Ryoga: Does trying to kill him count? Ukyo: (scowling) No. Ryoga: Then no, I haven't talked to him. Ukyo: (sighing) Ryoga, when are you going to realize that fighting Ranma just means you get pounded into the ground? Ryoga: (indignantly) Hey! I was winning! It's not my fault he ran away! Ukyo: (blinking) Ranchan ran away.... (she snaps her fingers) New technique, right? Ryoga: (startled) Yeah... Ukyo: (satisfied nod) Thought so. He'll just think up a counter to it, or learn it and do it better than you. We've been through this before, remember? Ryoga: (muttering) Not this time... Ukyo: (kindly) All you do is make him a better martial artist, really. If you had actually tried to talk things over with him, we'd be in a better position. Besides, what would you do if you actually did manage to kill him? Ryoga: (stammering) I'd...I'd revel in the glory of my victory, and marry Akane, and... Ukyo: (shaking her head) Nope. You'd get life imprisonment, and Akane, Shampoo, and me would insist on your early release so we could kill you ourselves. Reality sucks, doesn't it? Ryoga: (scowling) I keep telling people that, yeah. Come on, let's find where the wedding's going to be. Ukyo: (putting on her jacket) First intelligent thing you've said tonight. Better let me lead. We can't stop the wedding if we're in Outer Swazili. (They leave the restaurant. Scene changes to the Tendo living room, where Akane and Kasumi are watching TV.) Kasumi: (cheerfully) You should look so nice in your bridesmaid's dress, Akane. Assuming you don't rip it to pieces like the last two. Akane: (wearily) I'm sorry, Oneechan. I just think you and daddy are making a horrible mistake. Honest, I won't damage the new dress. Kasumi: Oh, that's good. (thoughtful) I had it made from white kevlar, just in case you were still a bit grumpy. You don't mind, do you? Akane: (shrugging) The way Tendo weddings normally go, it'll probably come in handy. Kasumi: Oh, I'm sure everything will be just wonderful. Akane: Right. And flower fairies live in the rosebushes. Kasumi: (surprised) They do? Oh dear. I suppose I'd better call the pest control people. Akane: .... Kasumi: (getting up) Well! I've got to go help father with the final preparations, and begin the subatmospheric landing beacon signals. Can you tape the rest of the show for me, Akane-chan? Akane: (smiling) Sure. It's already recording. (Kasumi leaves, just as Ranma enters, still in his animal control uniform. He carries a wire cage under one arm, containing the knife-throwing duck.) Akane: Bringing our work home with us? Ranma: Yeah, sorta. It's Mousse. Akane: (shocked) Ranma! Let the poor boy out and turn him back! Ranma: (grimly) I wish I could. He's stuck in his cursed form. Akane: That's.... how did it happen? Ranma: (shrugging) I have no idea. Me an Saburo got a call saying there was some duck ripping up the place, and when I poured hot water on him nothin' happened. Akane: (staring at the cage) Poor Mousse.... Ranma: Yeah. And what if it happens to me? After all this is over, I'm gonna take him down to see Cologne. (setting the cage down, he glances at the TV) Whatcha watching? Akane: Oh, this new miniseries. It's really good, actually. Ranma: Yeah? What's it about? Akane: There's this girl, Aneka, a real unreasonable jerk. And her older sister Nakibi is in love with her. Ranma: (making a face) Ugh. You mean, like...? Ugh. Akane: (nodding) Weird, huh? Anyway, Aneka has also been engaged to an aquatranssexual named Remna.... Ranma: (frowning) Huh, sounds kinda familar. Mebbe I saw a commercial for it or somthin'. Akane: (thoughtful) Hmm. There was something familiar about it to me, too. Good show, though. (she thinks) Weren't we going to take Kasumi down to the clinic? Ranma: (nodding) Yeah. We run in, drop off Kasumi, and run like hell before Doctor Love twists us into pretzels. Akane: But shouldn't someone stay to make sure he doesn't... um... hurt himself? Ranma: Better him than me. Akane: (irritated) But we need to get Kasumi back to normal! And Doctor Tofu can't cure her if he's stumbling around, dancing with skeletons like something out of a medieval woodcut. Ranma: (sighing) Why the hell can't we have Blue Cross/Blue Shield, like normal people? Akane: (impatiently) Because they don't have a Cursed Ensorcelled Martial Artist Health Plan. Come on, let's get Kasumi and go down to the clinic. (They exit, leaving the duck behind on the coffee table. Scene changes to Nabiki's room, where the middle Tendo sister is typing away at her laptop.) Nabiki: (muttering) Net gain of 300,000 yen, miniseries royalties.... net loss of 10,000 yen, photos of Akane... book contract... (The window shatters, and Shampoo vaults into the room. Nabiki, irritated, looks up from her spreadsheet program.) Shampoo: Nihao! Ready to die, Nabiki-san? Nabiki: Haven't we been through this already? Shampoo: (grinning) Yes. And this time, you aren't hopped up on magical fighting tea. (she pulls a bonbori out of Hammerspace) I'll send flowers to the funeral. Nabiki: (calmly) All I have to do is scream, and Ranma and Akane... Shampoo: (grinning broadly) ...just left, along with Kasumi. And your father and Ko-chan are out together. Just you and me, dear. Nabiki: (looking slightly past Shampoo's shoulder) Now, Ryouga. (Shampoo risks a quick peek behind her, sees nothing, and whirls back, bonbori held in a ready position.) Shampoo: Sneaky as always. Exactly what good did you... think... that... (She trails off, noticing the Uzi Nabiki has taken from a bedside drawer.) Nabiki: (grimly) Let's talk detente, bimbo. Shampoo: (staring at the gun) You breaking... I mean, you are breaking several laws just by owning that thing... Nabiki: (shrugging) Like I couldn't get off on a technicality. Now... do you want one hole, or eight? And in the chest, or the forehead? Shampoo: (sour look) Goodbye. We will....discuss things....some other time. Nabiki: (yawning) Sure. We'll do lunch. Oh, and I'll just send the bill for the window down to the Nekohanten. (Shampoo scowls, then jumps back out through the window, hops on her waiting bike, and speeds away. Nabiki watches her go, then walks over to the laptop.) Nabiki: (typing) >Expences - One window. Bill Cologne. (She points the Uzi at a nearby plant, and pulls the trigger. A stream of water shoots from it, soaking the dirt in the pot.) Nabiki: (smug) Realistic looking, and cheaper than spray bottles. (Scene changes to the outside of the clinic. Ranma, Akane, and a bemused looking Kasumi are waiting at the door.) Kasumi: I thought I had a checkup just a month ago... Akane: (smiling) You have to have one before marriage, Oneechan. It's the law. To, um, make sure. Kasumi: (puzzled) Make sure of what? Akane: (thinking furiously) Ah. Well, to make sure... um, that.... well, it's to make sure you don't have any, um... Ranma: Venereal diseases. (Akane gapes at Ranma, who makes a "You had a better idea?" shrug. Kasumi looks politely baffled.) Akane: (weakly) Yeah. What he said. Kasumi: Oh my. Is that like a cold? Ranma: No, it's a... Akane: (calmly) Where's that hammer... Ranma: (smoothly) ...flu, yeah, that's it. Kasumi: (thoughtful) I have been feeling a bit odd, lately... I thought it was being in love, or perhaps the subatomic pile in the hyperspace beacon (Doctor Tofu opens the door, smiling) but I suppose I might very well have a venereal disease. (The smile melts like a snowball in a blast furnace. Tofu's eyes, which had begun to be obscured by fog, go as wide as saucers. Big saucers.) Kasumi: (blithely) After all, that sort of thing does travel... why, I can think of at least two dozen places I could have gotten it from... (Doctor Tofu gives a curious, strangled shriek and passes out.) Kasumi: (startled) Oh dear. Doctor Tofu, are you all right? Ranma: (smirking) Maybe he caught your ven*WHAM*urk. (Akane tucks her mallet back into hammerspace, and steps over the newly-flattened Ranma to help Tofu.) Akane: (slapping Tofu's face lightly) Doctor? Doctor? Wake up, please. Tofu: (opening his eyes) Tell me I didn't just hear what I thought I heard. Akane: (sighing) It was all a misunderstanding, Doctor. It's Ranma's fault. Tofu: (hands twisting ominously) You mean it's Ranma's fault that Kasumi has vener... Akane: (slapping him a tad harder than necessary) Kasumi does _not_ have venereal disease. Kasumi: Oh, that's good. Can I go now? Ranma: (pulling himself up off the pavement) Owww. Doc, just see if you can find out what's with Kasumi, okay? Tofu: (standing up) Of course. Kasumi, if you'll come this way, please? Kasumi: (brightly) Hai! (They enter the clinic, leaving Ranma and Akane outside.) Ranma: (rubbing his head) Why'd ya hafta go and hit me for? Akane: (scowling) You insult my older sister and the family doctor, in their presence, and you wonder why? Do you have a learning disability or something? Ranma: With all these blows to the head? Probably. (looks at the clinic door) Odd, I don't hear any screams of pain or gleeful laughter. The shock musta knocked the doc into coherence. Akane: Good. I am _not_ going to have Kuno as a brother-in-law. (The door opens, and Tofu leans out.) Tofu: The tests may take a few hours. I'll call you at the dojo when she'll be ready to come home. Akane: (worried) Do you think you can cure her? Tofu: (nodding) From the bloodwork I did on your father, it seems to be a chemical compound. I'll have to tailor-make the cure for each person, but yes, I think I can have it done before the wedding. (he frowns) There's just one problem. Ranma: Yeah? Tofu: I have a blood sample from Kodachi; she was in a week ago about... um... well, doctor-patient confidentiality, you know. Anyway, I had to take a large amount of blood for tests, and I can base her cure off of it. But I don't have a blood sample from Kuno. Ranma: (grinning) No sweat, doc. Extracting blood from Kuno is kinda a speciality of mine. How much do you need? Tofu: (handing him a syringe the size of a eggplant) Fill this. Ranma: (broad smile) My pleasure. Tofu: (speculative gaze at Ranma) Hmm.... I might have work for you during the next blood drive, Ranma. At any rate - you get that sample, and I'll get to work on the tests. (He closes the door. Ranma walks off, Akane following.) Akane: (sternly) Ranma, wipe that grin off your face. Ranma: Yeah, yeah. I wonder where the most painful place to draw blood from is... (Scene changes to a street in Nerima, not far from the Tendo Dojo. Saburo is walking home, whistling out of key.) Saburo: (to himself) Just a few more days.... just have to stay alive for a little bit longer... then no more dealing with killer rabbits and pandimensional white mice... (Shampoo zooms past on her bike, scowling and muttering.) Shampoo: (pedaling faster) I'll get you, Akane, Nabiki - and your little hog, too! HaHAhAHahAhaHA...*coughchokesputter*....Damn, how does Ko-chan do it.... (She disappears into the distance. Saburo blinks, then shrugs.) Saburo: I'm blissfully ignorant of the factors behind that. Probably a good thing. (He walks on, passing the Tendo Dojo, and stops to regard it for a bit.) Saburo: (musing) Hmm. I wonder what the enormous satellite dish shooting timed pulses of colored light at the sky is for. (Akane walks past, heading for the house. She notices Saburo and stops.) Akane: (friendly tone) Hi! You're Ranma's friend from work, right? Saburo: (nodding) Yup. Akane Tendo, right? Akane: (nodding) That's right. Didn't we have a class together? Saburo: (wincing) Yes, but the leg only hurts when it rains. (he turns his attention back to the Dojo) Um. By the way, what's that big dish with the laser? Akane: (vague look) Oh... I think that's the cable dish. (The dish assembly suddenly glows a brilliant blue, and fires a huge, continuous burst of coherent energy into the sky.) Saburo: (staring) Damn. All that for HBO.... Akane: (monotone, mechanical voice) HBO and The Movie Channel. With a second breeder reactor, receiving Showtime would also be possible. There is nothing to alert planetary authorities over. Just wholesome cable television for the entire family. Saburo: (edging away) Um. Yeah. Akane: (reverting to normal) So, what's animal control like? Saburo: (thinking) Well... you know that show with the boomers and hardsuits? The one with the silly name? Akane: (thinking for a second) Bubblegum Crisis? Saburo: (nodding) Yup. You know the AD Police? Akane: The guys who act as cannon fodder? Saburo: (nodding) Yup. It's like that. Only worse. Akane: (startled) It can't be that bad... Saburo: It's that bad. My life insurance rates are higher than inmates on death row. Akane: But the job sounds okay... catching cats... Saburo: ...bringing down tigers who accidentally wandered into a PCP lab.... Akane: ...helping stray dogs.... Saburo: ...don't ask me what a pack of dire wolves was doing in Tokyo... Akane: ...rescuing birds that have escaped from their cages... Saburo: ..."That's nuts," I told Ranma, "there's no such thing as a Roc, it's a mythical creature..." Akane: (staring) That bad? Saburo: (wearily) After this week, I'm going to transfer to a less stressful job... like the Bomb Squad. Akane: (pale) That baka, taking a dangerous job with no regard for his own safety! He could be hurt! Saburo: (shrugging) Yup. Akane: (increasingly worried) He could be maimed! Saburo: (nodding) Entirely possible. Akane: (upset) He could be killed! Saburo: Don't bet on it. Akane: (flustered) Why not? Saburo: Because Nabiki has it at four for one odds. You'd be throwing your money away. Akane: (fuming) Does she. Well. It was nice meeting you. (She gives a polite nod and leaves, walking towards the house. Saburo continues on his way home, occasionally glancing back at the beam of energy lighting up the evening sky.) Saburo: (musing) I bet they have great reception... Voice: (yelling) Katsunishiki! Come back! (A pig the size of a Volkswagon races by, a young woman in hot pursuit.) Saburo: (staring after them) Thank the kami I'm off duty. (He walks on, whistling tunelessly, occasionally pausing to kick at a bit of litter.) Saburo: Just a few more days... (Four gaijin, all carrying instrument cases, stroll by.) Gaijin 1: Where's this place at, Mahon? Gaijin 2: (examining a folded, stained beer mat) Our Lady of Grievious Bodily Harm, Shinu Street. Gaijin 3: (waving at Saburo) Oi, ya ken where Our Lady is bein' at? Saburo: (politely) Not speak English. Gaijin 4: That's okay, neither does he. Gaijin 3: Saxon molester 'o turnips! Gaijin 4: Oirish lymph infection! Gaijin 1: (to Saburo, in halting Japanese) You know Our Lady Of Getting ^#%$ Beat Out Of Her? Where at? Saburo: (pointing) That way. Gaijin 1: (short bow) Arigatou Gaijin 3: (brightly) Mebbe we can be stoppin' by the Kuno house, ya know, ta be payin' my respects ta the... Gaijin 1,2 and 4: NO. Gaijin 3: Awww... (They walk on.) Saburo: (puzzled) Odd, the church isn't really much of a tourist site.... (Two familiar-looking FBI agents, a man and a woman clad in black trenchcoats, walk past.) Man: (to Saburo) You there! Is that Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm off in the distance? Saburo: (smiling blandly) Yup. Sure is. Woman: Good. Hopefully we won't have to go nuclear. (They walk on. Saburo just shakes his head sadly.) Gaijin 3: (in the distance) BLOODY 'ELL! Something: BWEE! BWEE! Voice: Katsunishiki! KATSUNISHIKI! (The enormous pig races past from the opposite direction, with a panic-stricken Gaijin 3 hanging on to its snout for dear life. The other three gaijin race after it, waving their instrument cases.) Saburo: (firmly) Yup, _really_ glad I'm not on duty. (The young lady runs up, skidding to a stop in front of Saburo.) Akari: (politely) Excuse me. Do you know where Our Lady of Grievious Bodily Harm is? Saburo: (pointing) A few blocks that way. Akari: Thank you (running off) KATSUNISHIKI! STOP! Saburo: (humming tunelessly) o/~ And it's just another day out in the canyons... o/~ (With great fanfare, clashing of cymbals, trumpet blasts, and showers of rose petals, a small horde of soldiers dressed in ancient Chinese battle armor turn the corner. In the middle of the mob, four burly men carry a palanquin.) Saburo: (steadfastly ignoring them) o/~ And it's one more night in Hollywood...o/~ (A man swathed in green robes pushes his way through the soldiers up towards Saburo.) Robed Guy: (imperiously) Peasant! You have the honor of giving directions to the escort of His Dread Potentness, the Warlord of Varaiyah! Saburo: (examining him) Boy, what a thrill. Robed Guy: You will direct us to the eating establishment of the beauteous Ukyo Kuonji! Saburo: (smiling) Sure. (points in the wrong direction) That way. Can't miss it. Robed Guy: And now you will direct us to Our Female Of Severe Beatings! Saburo: (pointing towards the distant spire of the church) Right over there. Robed Guy: (short bow) Your services have been moderately useful. Go in awe over having come within mere meters of His Dread Potentness, and tell your children about this, the most important and meaningful day of your insignificant life. (The procession noisily marches off.) Saburo: Pleased to meet you, too. Voice From On High: YOU THERE! Saburo: (quickly kneeling) Yes, oh Kami? Voice: HOW DID YOU KNOW? ANYWAY, WHICH WAY TO OUR LADY OF GRIEVIOUS BODILY HARM? (Saburo looks up, and sees that the voice is coming from a loudspeaker mounted on the bottom of a large flying ship.) Saburo: (calmly) See that steeple off your port bow? That's it. Voice: THE THANKS OF THE SEVEN LUCKY GODS SCHOOL ON YOU, KIND SIR! Saburo: No problem. (The ship sails off. Saburo resumes his walk, his humming taking on a slightly maniac intensity.) Saburo: (extremely out of tune) o/~ Every day is a winding road...o/~ (The four gaijin race past, screaming. The giant pig gallops by in pursuit a few seconds later, the thunderous bwees rending the evening air.) Akari: (running past) KATSUNISHIKI! HEEL! Saburo: (not blinking an eye) o/~ ...I get a little bit closer...o/~ (Scene changes to another area of Nerima. Kuno is walking down the street, a bouquet of flowers in one hand. He is Ranting.) Kuno: (Ranting) Ah, what a fine day it is for the great Tatewaki Kuno! My love and I are to be wed tomorrow! TRULY HEAVEN SMILES ON BLUE THUNDER! Ranma: (turning the corner) Bets? Kuno: (contemptful tone) Saotome. What do you wish, foul enchanter? Ranma: About 235 centiliters of your blood, actually. Gonna give it up peacefully? Kuno: (shocked) You wish to drain the noble blood of Kuno? Ranma: (shrugging) Yup. Kuno: (aghast) I have been wrong in my estimation of your hell- spawned nature! You are not a evil sorcerer, but a vampire! Ranma: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, whatever. Now either roll up your sleeve for me to puncture, or start fighting. Kuno: (charging and waving his bokken) Have at thee, undead leech! (Ranma casually throws Kuno to the ground, takes his bokken, and raps him over the head with it.) Kuno: (dazedly) Sasuke! Purchase.. holy... water... (He slumps, out like a light. Ranma unceremoniously jabs the needle into his arm, and waits for it to fill. As he does, Soun and Kodachi walk by, arm in arm.) Kodachi: (waving) Hello, Ranma-san! Soun: (nodding) Ranma. Kodachi: (peering over) What are you doing to Tatewaki? (Ranma thinks for a bit, and decides to go with the truth.) Ranma: I'm draining off a little over two liters of his blood. Kodachi: (clapping her hands) Oh, I used to do that all the time! Are you experimenting with airborne bio-terminator organisms too? Ranma: Nope. Blood drive. (fake smile) Your brother is just doing his civic duty. Soun: Ah, good to see my son-in-law... Kodachi: Brother-in-law. Soun: ...that too, yes, is not shirking his responsibility to the community. Ranma: Yup. Great guy, Kuno. Kodachi: I wouldn't go that far. Ranma: Right. (he withdraws the needle) Bye, Kuno. (They walk off. Scene changes to the inside of the Tendo household, where Nabiki is watching TV with great interest. The door opens, and Akane enters, looking noticeably annoyed.) Akane: Nabiki, what's this I hear about you placing bets on Ranma's lifespan? Nabiki: (turning her attention to Akane) Akane! Hi! Nice outfit! Akane: (sternly) Don't change the subject, oneechan. Are you? Nabiki: Well, yes? You want to put some money down? Special rates for family.... Akane: (exasperated) Nabiki, can't you see that making money off the possibility of someone you know _dying_ is unethical and immoral? (Nabiki adopts a thoughtful expression.) Akane: Well? Nabiki: I'm trying to see it, Akane, honest. Got a telescope? Akane: (shaking her head) You're incorrigible. (pauses) You really think the outfit looks good? Nabiki: (enthusiastically) Yeah! It really shows off your legs well. (peers) Although I wish you'd wear something showing a bit more cleavage. Akane: (laughing) You sound like the sister in that TV show. Nabiki: (sly expression) I do? Hey, what did you think of that whole relationship, anyway? Akane: (musing) Well, on the one hand it was kinda sexy and exotic... Nabiki: (grinning) Sexy is good, exotic is good..... Akane: ...on the other hand, it's perverted, disgusting, and wrong. (laughs) If that were you or Kasumi, I'd beat the living daylights out of you and mail the remains to Iraq. Nabiki: Oh. Akane: (smirking) Besides, think of what it would do to daddy. Nabiki: (shrugging) Like he would ever be able to tell. He's so wrapped up in the Bride of Frankenstein that there could be an massive alien signaling device on the roof and he'd never notice. Akane: Oh, I don't know. I think having his two youngest daughters all over each other would get through. (Nabiki's knees buckle and her eyes go dreamy for a second.) Nabiki: (dazed) Good idea.... Akane: (raising an eyebrow) EXCUSE me? Nabiki: (snapping out of it) Um... er... (inspiration hits) Why don't we test that theory? When daddy comes home we'll pretend.... Akane: (grinning) I get it. That's a great idea, Nabiki. The look on his face... Nabiki: (grinning ear to ear) Yeah. The look on my...his...face... Akane: Well, I've got some stuff to do. See you later, 'love'. (She walks upstairs. Nabiki stares at the TV.) Nabiki: (to herself) Not healthy, nooooo no no, not at all healthy, want to get better, right? And caressing Akane in front of father is NOT going to help... hell with it, what do I care? (Her cell phone rings, and she takes it out.) Nabiki: (businesslike voice) Tendo here. (As she listens her face turns pale.) Nabiki: Right. Lower the death odds. A lot. (she listens a bit more) No, clear the area. I don't like funerals. (She hangs up, and leans back, a worried look on her face.) Nabiki: Some brave soul is gonna have to tell Akane, and it's not gonna be me. (Scene changes to Chief Matome Sugita's office in Animal Control. Sugita is seated at his desk, reams of paperwork in front of him, when the phone rings.) Sugita: (picking it up) Sugita. This had better be good news. (He listens for a few minutes.) Sugita: (calmly) I see. Keep me posted. (He hangs up the phone, and stares at the wall for a bit. After a couple of minutes, he picks up the phone and dials a number.) Sugita: (calm voice) Government House? This is Sugita, Nerima Ward Animal Control. Get me the Prime Minister. END OF EPISODE 7 EPISODE 8 - One More Time Around - Finale (Scene opens on the exterior of the Kuno mansion, late evening. Storm clouds have gathered, and thunder crackles and roars. Some distance away, a shaft of blue light can be seen shooting up into the sky. We zoom into the study, where a rather pale Kuno is dialing a number.) Kuno: (grimly) Guten abend, Frau Blutdruck, hier sprict Herr Kuno. Kann Ich mit der Doktor sprechen, bitte? (The phone makes talking noises, and Kuno smiles.) Kuno: Danke. (pauses) Doctor Van Helsing? Yes, it is Tatewaki Kuno. I fear I have horrible news. Not only is one of the fiends still alive, it haunts mine native land! It has dared drain the blood of Blue Thunder! (Split-screen to a middle aged man in a study filled with books. He is idly sharpening a wooden stake with a machete.) Van Helsing: (concerned) Ach, dis ist horrible news indeed, mine old friend! How often hast der foul fiend bit you? Kuno: He has dared lay fangs upon my person once, Doctor. Van Helsing: Then there ist still time! I shall fly to Nerima sofort, immediately! Hat keine angst, old friend, we shall deal with this... Kuno: (snarling) Ranma Saotome. Van Helsing: ...Ranma Saotome in the same way you und I dealt with Vlad Tepes! Kuno: (gladly) That we shall! Together, we shall cleanse the earth of the ancient, malignant evil that is Ranma Saotome once and for all! So promises Takewaki Kuno, BLUE THUNDER OF THE CARPATHIAN ALPS! (Thunder crashes on both sides of the split screen. Van Helsing peers out the window, where it's a warm, sunny, cloudless day.) Van Helsing: How do you DO that? Kuno: (puzzled) Do what, worthy Doctor? Van Helsing: (resignedly) Ach, never mind. I shall see you in a few hours. Courage! (Helsing hangs up, and his split-screen vanishes. Kuno stands up, and begins to pace.) Kuno: (muttering) Foul, perverted mockery of life! Now know I why he was able to ensnare Akane and the Pig-tailed one for so long! They were in thrall to his hell-spawned powers! That demon in human form, foulness from the nethermost pits of hades... Kodachi: (entering) Hello, brother! Kuno: (muttering) Speak of the devil. Kodachi: (brightly) Now, Tatewaki, be happy! We're each getting married tomorrow. Kuno: This is true... although I wish it were in a proper ceremony, not this heathen, barbarian church. Kodachi: (shrugging) It was Catholic or nothing, brother. Every other sect has heard of what happens at Tendo weddings. Kuno: Surely not every holy order holds this unreasonable prejudice... Kodachi: All of them. Buddhist, Shinto, Zen, Sufi, Bobite, Methodist, Heaven's Gate, Branch Davidian, Rot Bilong Kako, Church of Elvis... Kuno: So only the Christians agreed? Kodachi: (shrugging) Well, the Manson Family volunteered. Christian is fine, brother dear. I went to a Christian school for years, and look at me. Kuno: (to himself) A true Samurai does not weep... Kodachi: (reassuringly) The wedding will be fine. I even had Soun- sama send for that wonderful band to play at the wedding. Kuno: (puzzled) Your Husband-To-Be has booked Wayne Newton? Kodachi: (annoyed) No. Surely you remember, the band at that quaint little tavern in Germany... Kuno: (distasteful look) Oh. _Them_. Their jangling shall mar the nuptials of my goddess on earth? Kodachi: (miffed) I thought they were quite good. Kuno: (darkly) You would. Kodachi: Well excuse me, Mr. Bing-Crosby-Is-One-Of-The-Few- Joys-In-Life. Kuno: (irate) Profane not that great name! Kodachi: I wouldn't know where to begin, brother. Kuno: (stiffly) One of the few things that displeases me about my upcoming union to the paragon of womanly virtue is that I will be related to you in more than one way. It is bad enough having you as a sister; I shudder to think what having you as a mother-in-law will be like. Kodachi: (smirking) Three words, Tatewaki: Clean your room. (Scene changes to the Tendo dining room. The family has sat down to dinner, as thunder crashes outside.) Soun: (chewing) Wonderful chicken, Kasumi. Kasumi: (smiling) Duck, father. It's duck. Soun: Wonderful duck, then. (Ranma looks slightly bothered, as if by something he can't quite place.) Akane: (sweetly) So, how is the tramp you're going to marry, Daddy? I hope she catches leprosy and dies. Soun: (smiling) That's nice, dear. (Nabiki, who has been sitting to Akane's right, pokes her. Akane turns.) Nabiki: (whispering) Remember that plan we had to get him to pay attention? Ready to try it? Akane: (nodding) Ready when you are. (Nabiki suddenly glomps Akane, kissing her full on the lips. Akane goes through the motions, looking rather embarrassed and unconvincing.) Ranma: (staring) Um, Akane? Nabiki? Hey.... Genma: (gaping) Tendo...? Soun: Kasumi, could you pass the salt? Kasumi: Here you go, father. (Nabiki lunges forward a bit, and she and Akane fall beneath the table with a crash.) Ranma: (pale) Oh man... I know I always call her a tomboy, but I never thought.... Soun: (oblivious) And the pickles, please. Akane: (muffled, slight trace of panic) Um, Nabiki? Nabiki? I think you're overdoing it a bit, Nabiki..... Genma: (burying his head in his hands) My son's fiancee is a lesbian! The shame! Akane: (panicked) Nabiki! Nabiki, what are you... HEY, get your hands out of... NABIKI! (There's the sound of a punch, and Akane emerges from beneath the table, trembling slightly.) Ranma: (questioningly) Um, Akane? Are you and Nabiki, uh, I mean... Akane: (turning on him) NO. Ranma: (meekly) Sorry. Soun: Kasumi, could you get me some more tea? Kasumi: (getting up) Certainly, father. Akane: (unsteadily) I... am going to go upstairs to my room, where I am going to try very, very hard to forget what just happened. Good night, everyone. (She storms off, still shaking a bit.) Soun: (standing) Well. That was delicious, Kasumi. Come on, Saotome-kun, I'll beat you at shogi a few times. Genma: (dubious look) Okay... (They leave, and Kasumi begins clearing away the dishes, moving in and out of the kitchen. Ranma peers under the table.) Ranma: (hesitantly) Nabiki? Hey, you okay? Nabiki: Uunnngggh. Ranma: Did the tombo.. um... did Akane hit ya real hard? Nabiki: (dazed) Man... what a kiss... Ranma: (helping her up) You sure picked some way to come out of the closet, Nabiki. Uh, which are you, gay or bi? If you don't mind me asking? Nabiki: (glaring at him) I'm straight, jerk. Ranma: (skeptically) Yeah, and that was just sisterly affection you were displaying. I'm her fiancee, and _I_ haven't gotten that physical with her! This is the nineties, you know, that sorta thing's okay now... well, not exactly _that_ sort of thing, but if you take out the incest bit... Nabiki: (absently) You can stop babbling now, Ranma. Ranma: Oh. So anyway, um, d'ya think you could maybe start something up with Shampoo? I'd really appreciate.... Nabiki: (upset) Will you cut that out? I am not a lesbian! I'm only interested in Akane! Ranma: (seriously) There are laws against that kinda thing, y'know... Nabiki: (sighing) I know. I don't know where it came from, either... one minute she's my violent little sister, the next, WHAM! she's just this amazing, sexy, just really _built_ goddess with thighs like... Ranma: (hastily) Uh, I get the point. Nabiki: (embarrassed) Um. Sorry. Anyway, it just came over me. The whole thing happened even quicker than Daddy and Kasumi's thing with... the... Kunos... (Ranma and Nabiki look at each other, and nod in unison.) Ranma: What were you... Nabiki: (scowling) There was some salt or sugar or something on the floor, and I was sniffing it to see what it was. And I was looking directly at Akane the whole time. Ranma: You were drugged. Probably the Kunos were trying to get me and Akane, and screwed up. As always. Nabiki: (shaking her head) I can't believe I didn't see it before. Ranma: Not your fault. The drug must have something that steers the mind away from thinking about it, otherwise the Kunos would have cured themselves by now. You only got a bit of it, so you were able to figure it out indirectly. Nabiki: (groaning) Oh my God... Akane is never going to speak to me again. Ranma: (comfortingly) Hey, it was't your fault. Nabiki: (sighing) Yeah, but I still got farther than you'll ever get, at least until the wedding night. And Akane isn't very rational about that sort of thing, as you of all people should know. Ranma: I'll talk to her for you. Nabiki: Yeah. Tell her I'm really sorry. I'm not, I enjoyed it way too much, but I probably will be once this crap gets out of my system. (thoughtful look) Doctor Delirium DID figure out a way to cure this, right? Ranma: Yeah, but it has to be tailored to your body chemistry. He'll have to take a blood sample. Nabiki: (scowling) Damn. Could you please walk me down to the clinic, Ranma? I might as well say there overnight, and it'd be a good idea to keep me and Akane apart until I'm cured. Ranma: (fervently) Yup. Nabiki: Well, that or in bed together. Ranma: (warningly) Nabiki... Nabiki: (raising her hands) Sorry! Sorry, it's the drug talking. Stupid idea anyway, I'd just get her fist. C'mon, let's get going. (They leave. Scene changes to the inside of an American military installation buried deep under Mount Badass, Idaho. Several worried looking people in uniforms are tending monitors and flocking about a fellow with lots of brass on his collar.) Scrolling Text: (in a nifty, Tom Clancy-like teletype effect) US DEEP SPACE INCURSION PREVENTION INSTALLATION (USDSPI), IDAHO, MT. BADASS, 0023 HOURS Officer 1: (clipped tones) The object has cleared the orbit of Mars, sir. General: Does it conform to the specs of any of the 235 races we know of? Officer 2: No sir. We've never seen anything like it. Should I have the fleet move out from behind Venus? General: We don't have a fleet behind Venus, soldier. Officer 2: Yes we... oh, I see. Quite right, Sir. General: (irritated) No, I'm not being subtle! We don't have a fleet! Officer 2: If you say so, General. Officer 1: (bending over a monitor) Object trajectory will bring it to somewhere in the eastern Pacific, General. General: Right. Get me ComPac on the horn, I want to speak to CINCPac. Officer 3: ComPac is being repainted, General, and CINCPac is in labor at the moment. General: (incredulous) Admiral Arthur MacMarlon is in _labor_, soldier? Are you aware of the penalties for drug abuse on duty? Officer 3: (apologetically) He took a goodwill tour to China about a year ago, and was visiting these cursed springs.... General: (disgusted) The NinComPac. Officer 1: (straightening) Sir! Object trajectory will bring it to... Nerima Ward, Tokyo, Japan. General: (disappointed) Oh. Okay, cancel alert status. Officer 1: Sir? General: (shrugging) Nerima gets aliens every year or two. Nothing to worry about. (turns to Officer 2) Now... care to tell me about this battle fleet we have off Venus? Officer 2: (unruffled) Like the General said, we don't have any battle fleet off Venus. General: Grrrrrr...... (Fade to black. Open on the spire of Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm, early morning. Bells are pealing, as befits the joyous occasion. Pan down to inside the church, where Shampoo and Akari are surveying the place.) Shampoo: (to herself) Let's see.... ramen over there, sweet and sour pork over here... Akari: (walking over) Excuse me. Are you the other half of the catering team? Shampoo: (turning) Yes, yes I am. Shampoo. Akari: No thanks, I have delicate hair. I'm Akari Unryuu. Shampoo: (doubtfully) Pleased to meet you. So what are you providing? I understand you've been put in charge of the main course. Akari: (proudly) That's right. We're serving an Unryuu Ranch One- and-a-half ton ham. Shampoo: Pardon, my ears are going. I thought for a second you just said "One-and-a-half ton ham". Akari: (smiling) That's right. Shampoo: (shaking her head) No, that's ridiculous. Do you know how big a hog would have to be to give a ham that large? (There's a loud Bwee, and Katsunishiki the Sumo Pig waddles in.) Akari: It would have to be a little smaller than that one. Shampoo: (wide-eyed) Oh. (A door opens, and a priest walks in.) Priest: (benignly) Well, is everyone ready for the wedOur Father Preserve Us....... Akari: Is something wrong? Priest: There's a demon from Hell chewing on the Holy Book. Akari: (mortified) Katsunishiki! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT! Priest: (flipping frantically through a book) Exorcism, it's in here somewhere... Shampoo: It's just a pig, Father. Priest: (incredulous) JUST a pig? Shampoo: Okay, it's a porcine monstrosity. But it's not a demon. Akari: (shouting) No, Katsunishiki! Down, boy! Hup! Hoooya! Sit! Priest: It's drooling on the Holy Relic of St. Heiligdeng..... Shampoo: So it is. Hold on a second. (She walks up to the pig and beats it across the skull with her bonbori for a few seconds.) Shampoo: Heel. (She poses over the unconscious hulk.) Priest: (muttering) "What's so special about a Tendo wedding?" I asked. "Surely we can accommodate them..." Why me, O Lord? (Scene changes to the patrol Pinto. Ranma and Saburo are cruising the streets.) Ranma: (chewing) Mmm. Was *gulp* nice of Ucchan to leave us that lunch on *swallow* the door. Wonder where she went? Saburo: (shrugging) Dunno. (thinks for a second) Think she'd like a French restaurant? For our date, I mean? Ranma: Yeah, I guess. Women like French stuff. Not sure why, I mean, they got the same stuff there that they do here, it's just there it's a little different. (pauses) You know what they call okonomiyaki in France? One of those ones with cheese melted on it? Saburo: Le Okonomiyaki? Ranma: Crepe with cheese. Saburo: (marveling) Crepe with cheese? Ranma: (nodding) That's right. (sighs) On my lunch break I gotta stop by Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm, okay? Saburo: (nodding) Yeah, a bit of prayer wouldn't hurt with this job. I didn't know you were Christian... Ranma: Oh, it's not to pray. I have two weddings to stop. Saburo: (frowning) Our Lady, eh? Hmm.... Radio: (crackling) Mobile 23. Come in, Mobile 23..... Ranma: (blandly) Why, listen, old boy. A call. For us. Saburo: Whee. Ranma: Such a unexpected surprise, too. (He picks up the handset) Mobile 23, leaping bravely into the jaws of certain death, how may we help you? Radio: My, cocky, aren't we? The thing on the docks has started moving into the city. Bring it down. Ranma: (turning pale) You aren't, uh, referring to the cat... Radio: No, I'm referring to the _other_ nigh-unstoppable force of nature that was terrorizing the docks and is about to make Godzilla green with envy. OF COURSE THE ^$&#*% CAT! Ranma: (sweating) Gee, well, love to help ya, Chief, but we're uh, a bit busy here... Radio: Too bad. Drop whatever you're doing. Ranma: (shaking) Uh, really busy here sir, you'll have to send someone else.... Radio: (grimly) Mobiles 1 through 22 engaged the thing five minutes ago, at the intersection of Wolf Avenue and 359th Street. They will be given burial with full military honors. You two are all that's left of Nerima Animal Control. Stop the thing before it destroys the city. Central out. (Silence for a few seconds.) Saburo: (calmly) We're going to die, aren't we. Ranma: Gaaaaaaaah. Saburo: (shrugging) Ours is not to reason why... well, if we never find it, it can't hurt us. Ranma: (brightening) Good point. Think the tranq gun would have any effect? Saburo: (thinking) Mobile 1 was an armored personnel carrier with stun grenades. I don't think our tranq gun will be much use. Ranma: Huh. We should have shotguns for a job like this. Saburo: Mobile 5 had them. (Scene changes to the door of Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm. Nabiki, garbed in a rather conservative business dress, is checking people's invitations.) Nabiki: Ah, Herb and party. Go right in. Herb: (bowing) Thank you. (He walks inside, and three hooded, cloaked, strangely tall and awkward figures move forward.) Cloaked Figure 1: (odd, mechanical voice) We are here for the ritual joining of the Kasumi-unit. Nabiki: (raising an eyebrow) Really? Let's see an invitation, buddy. Or 30,000 yen. Cloaked Figure 2: We do not possess any denominations of your race's monetary symbols. Nabiki: (disappointed) Oh well. The invite, please? Cloaked Figure 3: You don't need to see our invitation. Nabiki: (mechanically) I don't need to see your invitation. Cloaked Figure 2: We can enter the center of worship. Nabiki: (monotone) You can enter the center of worship. Cloaked Figure 1: Move along. Nabiki: Move along. Move along. (They enter the church, and Nabiki looks faintly puzzled. Ukyo and Ryoga step up.) Nabiki: (smiling) Ryoga, Uk... Ukyo: (bluntly) Okay, Nabiki, let's cut to the chase. You have us over a barrel here... Nabiki: I do? Ukyo: (annoyed) Yes. Obviously we aren't supposed to be at this wedding. Nabiki: Well, actually... Ukyo: (interrupting) But we both know that for a bribe, you'll let us in. Here's 40,000 yen. Ryoga: (irate) That's way too much! Nabiki: Actually, it's... Ukyo: ...not enough? Damn you. Okay, 50,000. Take it or leave it. Nabiki: (pocketing the money) I'm a bit puzzled as to... Ukyo: (frowning) ...How Ryoga's going to get in? Tricky. Okay, Nabiki, you win. Here's another 40,000. Nabiki: (taking it) Uh, thanks. Ukyo: (scowling) You really are a heartless... Ryoga: (also scowling) C'mon, Ukyo. Before she finds another way to gouge money out of us. (They enter. Nabiki watches them go, mystified.) Nabiki: (puzzled) But they were invited. And why do they want to attend Daddy and Kasumi's wedding? (looks at the money) Oh well. (The two FBI agents walk over.) Man: We're here for the alien invasion. Nabiki: That's down at the Presbyterian Church. This is the wedding of Soun and Kasumi Tendo. Woman: We know. There's a scientific explanation for all of this. Nabiki: (nodding) Yeah, that's what Ranma and Akane said. Chemicals. Man: You'll have to let us by now, miss. Nabiki: Sure. 30,000 yen, please. Man: But the truth is in there! Nabiki: (shrugging) And it doesn't come cheap. 40,000 yen. Pay up or buzz off. Man: (handing her a number of bills) Here. Nabiki: (smiling) Enjoy the wedding. Let me know if you see any aliens. Man: I could, but then I'd have to kill you. Woman: Oh, shut up. (They enter the church. Nabiki sighs.) Nabiki: I'm not making nearly enough money for this. (Four rather scruffy Gaijin walk up.) Gaijin 1: Hi. We're the band. Nabiki: (glancing at the invite list) Rats, huh? You look the part. Gaijin 2: (eying Nabiki) Your beauty doth make the sun seem a dim and fading firefly. Might I have the pleasure of your name, O goddess who deigns to grace the dull and dreary world with her presence? Nabiki: (raising an eyebrow) He related to Takewaki Kuno? Gaijin 1: (staring) Uh, Mahon? When did you learn Japanese? Gaijin 3: Wot'd he say? Gaijin 4: Yah, what'd the taciturn bugger say? Gaijin 2: Let me speak on your earlobes... Nabiki: (speculatively) Let me speak on your bank account... Gaijin 1: (firmly) Nonexistent. Come on, Mahon... (He and the other two begin to drag a protesting Gaijin 2 into the church.) Nabiki: (calling) Nonexistent? Aren't you getting paid for the wedding? Gaijin 2: Two perfect shells, framed by thy auburn locks in shimmering - let go! - glory.... Gaijin 1: (calling back) Not much, we mostly came to sightsee and because of the traveling - OW! hold still, Mahon - expenses being prepaid. Sorry. Nabiki: (sighing) Damn. Could have gotten a few dinners and expensive gifts out of that one. (Scene switches to inside the church. Guests mill about, talking and laughing. A large spread has been prepared in the center of the hall, and wedding presents are being placed on a table near the entrance. Zoom in on three figures in Chinese clothing.) Tsung: (astounded) You mean both of you are _also_ isolated Chinese warlords with a arrogant, imperious air, a horde of powerful minions, a neat-looking palace, and a spectacular martial arts special technique that seemed unbeatable until you fought Ranma Saotome? Herb and Kirin: Why, yes. Tsung: (thoughtful) We are interested by this. Kirin: We? There's another one? Tsung: No, it is simply Our mode of speech. Herb: (Impressed) Hey, you're talking in capital letters. Nice trick. Tsung: (bowing) Thank you. It's a gift. Kirin: I shall try it. "You shall do our bidding, worm." Herb: (shaking his head) No, not quite right. Tsung: You have to move the tongue like so... Ryoga: (from across the room) Hey, isn't that the warlord of Varaiyah sticking his tongue out at Kirin? Ukyo: (looking) Yeah, sure is. Let's steer clear of them, okay? Tsung wants to kill you and seduce me. I think you have the better end of it. Ryoga: (scowling) Oh, yeah, slow torture followed by execution is worse than a pleasant dinner. Ukyo: A pleasant dinner with Tsung _is_ slow torture. Ryoga: (shaking his head) Torture isn't torture without leeches, hot irons, and genital mutilation. And rats. And glass tubes inserted in... Ukyo: (interrupting) You've got problems, y'know, Ryoga? Ryoga: Only one. His name's Ranma. Ukyo: (exasperated) What has he ever done to you? Ryoga: He... um... I can't tell you. Ukyo: (interested) Something embarrassing, huh? Ryoga: Let's just say that if it got out, my lifespan would be shorter than a fruit fly in a nuclear reactor. Ukyo: (raising a eyebrow) Wow. Bet it has to do with Akane, right? Ryoga: (nervously) W-why do you say that? Ukyo: (shrugging) Most of the stupid things you do usually involve Akane in some way. (takes some appetizers from a plate) Want some bacon-balls? Ryoga: (shaking his head) No, I don't eat pork. Ukyo: (curious) Are you Jewish? Ryoga: No, I just don't dig no swine, that's all. Ukyo: (teasingly) But bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste goood. Ryoga: (looking ill) I know. Please don't remind me. FBI Man: (from across the room) Look, Dana! The kid we saw at the blast site! Woman: The one who knew Kasumi Tendo? Man: (nodding) That's right! Him! And now he shows up here... there's something funny going on... Woman: What exactly _is_ this, anyway? Man: (impatiently) It's an alien invasion, of course! Open your eyes! Trust no one! Woman: (pointedly) It's the first alien invasion I've ever seen with a buffet spread and bacon-ball appetizers. (chewing) Not bad, either. Man: (squinting) I think it's being cleverly disguised as a wedding. (he reaches out and taps a passerby on the shoulder) Excuse me, sir. Cloaked Figure 1: (odd, mechanical voice) What do you wish, carbon-organic lifeform? Man: (conspirator's whisper) I was just wondering if you had noticed anything... odd... at this wedding. Cloaked Figure 1: Please state the functional parameters of "odd". Man: Aliens. People acting like their minds were being tampered with. Unexplainable phenomena. Cloaked Figure 1: I have not observed activity that meets your requirements. Have you observed a T'Kraal Invasion Fleet Strike Team, Char-Lee? Cloaked Figure 2: I have not. This planet is in no danger of being harvested. Cloaked Figure 1: You see? There is no danger to your planet. Your puny race is not about to be wiped out by the awesome power of the T'Kraal Empire. Woman: (annoyed) You see? It's just a wedding. Man: (doubtfully) Maybe... thank you for your time, sir. (They walk off. The cloaked figures watch them go.) Cloaked Figure 1: I think he suspects. Cloaked Figure 2: Signal the lead ship to move into atmospheric position. Cloaked Figure 3: Pass the bacon-balls. (A rumbling begins to fill the air. Zoom to outside, where a HUGE spaceship shaped vaguely like a burrito drops through the ionosphere to hang menacingly above Nerima. The city turns dark as the huge shape blocks out the sun.) Man on the Street: It's the aliens. Man on the Street 2: Again. Man on the Street 3: Hope they don't land in Tomobiki again. Property values were shot to hell in the last one. (Scene switches to another part of Tokyo, where Ranma and Saburo, wearing fake beards and dark glasses, are idly driving through the city. The words "Nerima Ward Animal Control" on the side of the Pinto have had several strips of duct tape stuck across them, hiding them from sight.) Saburo: See any cats, Ranma? Ranma: Nope. Just people, trees, cars, and a huge alien spaceship blocking out the sun. Saburo: Nothing out of the ordinary, then? Ranma: Nope. We'd better keep looking. Saburo: Good idea. Let's check Kyoto next.... Radio: (crackling to life) Mobile 23! Where the %^&*@ are you? Ranma: (picking up the handset) Uh, well sir, um, we're a little lost... and the car's making funny noises... Saburo: (muttering) ...not that that's anything out of the ordinary... Ranma: ...and we really don't know exactly where the cat's supposed to be... Radio: It's making a beeline straight for Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm. The trail of destroyed buildings its leaving should make it easy to spot. Ranma: (pale) It's heading for Our Lady? Okay, Chief, we're on it! The cat doesn't stand a chance! Radio: That's the spirit! Semper fi, damn the torpedoes, once more into the breach! Go get that thing, and remember... we're behind you! Saburo: (muttering) Way, way, way behind us. Ranma: (turning to Saburo) We gotta stop that thing. Akane's in that church, and so are the rest of the Tendos! Oh yeah, and Dad too. Saburo: (worried) You don't suppose Ukyo might be in there too? Ranma: (upset) Yeah, she was invited.... (he reaches out and peels the tape off the side of the car) How fast can we get back there? Saburo: It's 30 miles to Nerima. We've got a full tank of gas, a carton of okonomiyaki, there's an alien spaceship hanging over the city, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. (They think this over for all of a nanosecond.) Ranma and Saburo: (together) Hit it. (The Pinto lurches, accelerates, and burns rubber towards Nerima. Scene changes to the wedding. Kasumi and Nabiki are standing in front of the gift table.) Kasumi: Oh my. All these presents... Nabiki: (nodding) Lots of them (looks at the tags) Shampoo... Tsung... Foxtrot... Herb... Butler... Mousse... RpM... Mulder... Youngblood... Konatsu... Kergma... Kirin.. Eav... Akari... (she pauses) What on earth is that? Kasumi: The earth part is incorrect. It is a Vk'dargh crystal sculpture. Nabiki: (reading tag) To Kasumi, new Native Planetary Governor, from the Empire. Kasumi: How nice! Nabiki: Uh, yeah. Oneechan, have you seen Akane? Kasumi: (thoughtful) I think she went to Doctor Tofu's office. Something about getting a cure and keeping away from her perverted molester of an older sister. Nabiki: (nodding) Yeah. I tried to talk to her at breakfast, but she just screamed, threw a chair at me, and ran away. Kasumi: I think she's just going through a phase. Nabiki: Right. Kasumi: I'm going to go find Kuno-chan, Nabiki. Thank you for helping with the wedding! (She walks off, looking through the crowd. After a few minutes, she opens a side door and stops dead. Penned up in a supply room is Akari's Sumo Pig, and two of it's smaller cousins.) Kasumi: (wide-eyed, staring) Oh. My. (The pigs look at her uneasily.) Kasumi: (salivating) The glazed ham that would make...... (Scene changes to a street a few blocks from the church. A rather kawaii off-white cat, about the size of a breadbox, is cheerfully mauling a bear. The patrol Pinto rounds the other end of the street) Ranma: (voice shaking) There it is. Saburo: Yup. Doesn't look so bad. Kinda kawaii, actually. (The cat rips the bear apart in a shower of blood, and playfully begins to chew through a lamppost.) Ranma: Yeah. Just adorable. Look, I ain't fightin' that thing. Saburo: Don't worry. I have a plan. (He revs the engine.) Ranma: (nervously) Uh, Saburo? What's the plan? Saburo: (holding down the brake and gas, steady voice) I had a cat when I was a kid. Got hit by a car. Died. Ranma: (eyes widening) Oh no, you don't mean.... (Saburo takes his foot of the brake and the car shoots forward as if shot from a gun.) Saburo: (eyes a bit skewed) Ramming Speed! Brace for impact! BANZAI! Ranma: (closing his eyes tightly) Oh sh- (The Pinto smashes into the cat at an incredible velocity. It flips into the air, does the triple axle spin, and lands on it's side a few meters away. The cat does not seem to have taken any notice, and begins to playfully roll on it's back whilst tossing a semi in the air.) Saburo: (after a few seconds) Ranma? You dead, man? Ranma: (eyes still shut) Yah man. Saburo: (weakly) I don't understand. My cat got hit by a car and... Ranma: (opening his eyes) Car. We aren't in a car, we're in a Pinto. Damn, Saburo, what the hell were you thinking? Saburo: It seemed like a good idea... Ranma: (incredulous) Wrecking our means of transportation? "Ramming speed!" Jeez.... Saburo: Well, we can walk. Ranma: (groaning) Speak for yourself. Owwwww..... (They struggle out of the remains of the Pinto, and watch the cat chew up an apartment complex.) Ranma: It's heading for the church, but it's also stopping to destroy the area along it's route. If we run, we can beat it there, maybe get everyone out in time. Saburo: (shrugging) Lay on, MacDuff. (They break into a run. Scene changes to the front of the church, where Akane, in a heavily padded-looking white dress, is running up the steps. As she does, she notices Ranma and Saburo jogging towards her.) Ranma: (panting) Akane! We've got to get everyone out of there! The cat's coming! Akane: (disgusted) You and your thing about cats. Saburo: (really panting) You don't understand! It's a monster! Akane: (aback) Is it huge, scary-looking, and covered with spikes? Saburo: No, it's small, off-white, and really sorta kawaii, actually... Akane: (annoyed) Why do all of you keep acting like cute little Felix is some sort of horrible menace! Really! Anyway, Ranma, I have the cure. Tofu make it a few minutes ago. He also said that if they don't get it in the next half hour, it'll be useless and the drug will take affect permanently. (she frowns) And why is there one for Nabiki? Ranma: Why'd ya think she was sucking lips with you? She got a whiff of it too. Akane: (heaving a sigh) Oh. That is soooo much of a relief. C'mon, let's get the cure to them before the wedding starts. (They begin heading up the stairs, but are stopped by a man in the robes of a Zen monk coming out of the door.) Zen Monk: (peering at them) STOP! Ranma: Huh? Zen: (waving his arms impressively) If you marry that beast at your side, you shall die an early, horrible death! Destruction! Woe! Ranma: (confused) Man, I wasn't planning on marrying Saburo. I'm not that type of.. Zen: (annoyed) No, I mean Tendou Akane! The devil in human form! She'll... (Akane mallets the monk into LEO, where he bounces nicely off the hull of the spacecraft.) Ranma: What a weirdo. Actin' like you were some sorta murderer... Akane: Yeah. Pronounced my name funny, too. Come on, we need to give them the cure! (They race inside, there the pre-wedding party is getting into full swing. The gaijin have set up their instruments, and are playing a lively tune.) Saburo: (walking off) You two go do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing with those syringes. I'm gonna find Ukyo and warn her. (He walks off. Ranma and Akane look around, trying to spot their targets.) Ranma: You take the ones for Kasumi and Kuno; I'll handle Kodachi and your Dad. Oh, and I'd better handle Nabiki, as well. Akane: (shuddering) No argument there. (looks around) Where are they? Voice: (from a side room) ANY OF YOU ^$^#^#% PIGS MOVE, AND I'LL EXECUTE EVERY ^$^*&@% LAST ONE OF YOU! Ranma: (startled) That sounded a bit like... Akane: ...Kasumi? That's impossible. One day, in a moment of great stress, she said "dang". And then went right to the bathroom and washed her mouth out with soap. Another Voice: (shouting) SAOTOME! Ranma: Oh, good. There's Kuno. (An irate Kuno pushes through the crowd towards Ranma, followed by a middle aged man in tweed clutching a stake and a pail with the words "Holy Water - Industrial Strength" printed on it.) Kuno: There is the bloodsucking fiend, Doctor! Van Helsing: Ach! You dare defile a House of God, demon? Feel His wrath! (Van Helsing tosses the pail's contents on Ranma, who rather predictably turns female.) Ranma: (angry) HEY! What's the big idea? Kuno: (pale) Pig-tailed Girl? Van Helsing: (trumphantly) AHA! It is of the variety known as the succubus, which lures brave warriors to their doom and drains their blood! But the Holy liquid has shown us its true form! Kuno: (outraged) It is the selfsame wench that has pursued me these past months, trying to lure me astray with her wiles! Ranma: (incredulous) ME? Lure YOU? You... you...! Kuno: (flourishing his bokken, which boasts a newly sharpened tip) Devil! HAVE AT THEE! (Kuno and Van Helsing charge at Ranma, who backpedals and dodges, hampered by the syringes in her hand. Scene changes to the other side of the hall, where Ukyo and Ryoga are trying to find Ranma and Akane.) Ukyo: (frowning) It's their wedding, they have to be here! Band: (with great volume) o/~ THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY TO TRAVEL o/~ Ryoga: (yelling) I can't hear you! (Ukyo frowns and walks over to the four gaijin band members.) Ukyo: Could you turn it down a notch? Band: (not hearing) o/~ THERE MUST BE ANOTHER CAR TO CHOOSE o/~ Ukyo: (yelling) TURN IT DOWN ALREADY! Gaijin 1: (turning) We're supposed to play loud music, miss. It's in the contract. Ryoga: (coming over) What's the big... YOU! Gaijin 1: (resignedly) Oh. You. Don't break the instruments, okay? Ukyo: Where's Ranma Saotome? Gaijin 1: Dunno. Who's he? Ryoga: The source of all misery. Gaijin 4: Bill Gates? Gaijin 1: Oh, yeah, the guy you wanted to kill. No idea. Kuno: (across the room) DIE, FOUL DEMON SAOTOME! Ukyo: That answers that. Come on, Ryoga! Ryoga: (charging off in the wrong direction) RANMA, DIE! Ukyo: (calling) No, you idiot, "Ranma, can we talk?" and it's THIS WAY! Ryoga: (unhearing) SAOTOME, TODAY IS THE DAY I CRUSH.. (He collides with a group of people and they go down in a tangle of arms and legs.) Ryoga: (trying to sit up) Uh, sorry... Herb: (sorting out his arms) Clumsy oaf! Tsung: (standing up) YOU! THE INFIDEL! Kirin: (irate) Has the cur insulted you, friend Tsung? Ryoga: (small voice) uh-oh. Tsung: (enraged) Kidnapper of the Holy Prophet! DIE! CHAO KUNG MING STRIKE! (Green ki energy flares. Pan to across the room, where Nabiki is talking to Dr. Hasigawa.) Nabiki: So you see, Doc, it was just drugs. I won't be needing your services after all. Hasigawa: (mournfully) Ach, yet another profitable case gone sane. I am thinking I am too good a psychologist for my own good. (brightens) You said drugs? I also run a substance abuse clinic... Nabiki: (shaking her head) No. Shampoo: (appearing from nowhere) Die. (Nabiki yelps and leaps sideways just as a bonbori whizzes through the place her head had been occupying.) Hasigawa: (delighted) Ah! a psychopath! I haven't seen one in ages! Where ist mine notepad? Shampoo: (bloodthirsty howl) Nabiki, Shampoo KILL! Nabiki: (backpedaling) Shampoo, Nabiki SUE! You hear me! Shampoo: (eyes glowing) Dead men file no lawsuits! (Nabiki runs. Shampoo follows.) Hasigawa: (running after Shampoo) Wait! My card! Reasonable rates! (Scene changes to the middle of the room, where Ranma is trying to keep out of Van Helsing and Kuno's way.) Kuno: (swinging) FIGHT, TIMOROUS DAEMON! Ranma: (ducking a bokken swing and kneeing Van Helsing in the groin) I got my hands full, Kuno. Can we do this some other time? Ryoga: (from across the room) CHAOS BUTTERFLY WEATHER POINT! (A storm cloud forms within the church, and lighting blasts down from it. It begins to rain.) Tsung: Ha! I am undaunted! SHAN HAI GALE BLAST! (A column of focused, churning air blows across the church, blasting open a side door. With a squeal of terror, the Sumo Pig and it's smaller companions charge out, Kasumi racing after them with a carving knife.) Shampoo: Greedy girl die! Nabiki: (running) Do you understand the phrase "Punitive damages"? "Deportment"? "Lifetime fiscal debt"? Shampoo: No. I don't. Nabiki: Uh-oh. Ryoga: OW! CHAOS WEATHER POINT ATTACK - Hurricane Call! (A twister appears over the area where Ryoga and Tsung are fighting. Streamers and plates of food fly, propelled by the winds.) Band: (ignoring the havoc) o/~ I'll tell the story straight... o/~ Van Helsing: (drawing a chalk circle) Quickly, Herr Kuno, push the thing into the pentagram! Ranma: (dodging) That's a circle, not a pentagram! Van Helsing: (shrugging) Pentagram sounds neater, hellspawn. Kasumi: (slashing madly at the pigs) Oh my! Ham for everyone! Saburo: (running up to Ukyo) There you are! We've got to get out of here! Ukyo: (frowing) I've got to stop the wedding! Saburo: (hurried) Ranma and Akane are taking care of it! Come on, we've got to get out of here! Tsung: I am undaunted! LOTUS BLOSSOM DETONATION! (A explosion rocks the church.) Ukyo: (ducking a bit of flying rock) You may be right... It's a bit rough in here... Saburo: (grabbing her by the shoulders) Not this! The cat! It's heading straight for the church! Ukyo: (staring at him) The cat? Priest: (hiding behind the podium) Will the Kunos and Tendos please fight their way to the front of the melee to be married? Kasumi: (ceasing the chase) Oh my! That's me! Akane: (running at her with the syringe) Oh no you don't! FBI agents: (drawing guns) Kasumi Tendo! (Akane runs up and jabs Kasumi with the antidote just as the FBI opens fire. Akane, in front of Kasumi, catches about 23 rounds in the chest and slumps to the ground) Ranma: (horrified) AKANE! FBI agents: Whoops. (Ranma runs over to Akane's collapsed form, and cradles her.) Ranma: (crying) I never.. I never got to tell you... (Akane suddenly sits up, ruining a perfectly good death scene.) Ranma: (blinking) Wha? I was just starting my I-Never-Told-You monologue! Akane: (straightening her dress, flattened disks of lead fall off) I told Oneechan the Kevlar dress was a good idea. Kuno: (running up) Kasumi! Kasumi: (vague look) Oh dear. Am I supposed to love you? (Akane jabs Kuno with the cure.) Kuno: Ow. (he blinks) Tendo Akane! You come to show your love for me by erotically jabbing me with needles! Come to my arms! (Ranma and Akane punt him through the roof.) Ryoga: OW! CHAOS WEATHER POINT - Fists of hail! (More foul weather lashes the church.) Shampoo: Die! Nabiki: (frantically) "Court order?" Shampoo: No, not know that either. Nabiki: "Death penalty"? Shampoo: Know that, attempting to carry it out. Akari: KATSUNISHIKI! Stop! Sooooooeee! Sooooeeeee pig! KATSUNISHIKI! Tsung: Urgh.. I persevere! REALLY IMPRESSIVE KI BLAST WITH A SILLY NAME! (Bits of masonry rain down.) Band: (stoicly playing on) o/~ I hope it's not too late.. o/~ Priest: (huddled, covering his head with the Bible) Ladies and Gentleman... we are gather here in mortal combat, in the sight of God and an Alien Battlecruiser, to join this man and very young woman in holy wedlock. Given the unusual nature of this company, I'm going to skip the normal schtick and go straight to the "I do's". (Soun and Kodachi step forward.) Akane: Ranma! Do something! Ranma: (holding the two syringes like darts) Here goes.... (He throws them, with perfect aim. And they would have hit, if it weren't for the woman in black, looking vaguely like Gosunkugi save for the diamond-shaped marks tatooed around her eyes, that suddenly appeared in a flash of blue. Right in the flight path.) Soun and Kodachi: I do. Sicarii: (snarling) Kaeri, you dieOW! Ryoga: WEATHER POINT FINISH! NORTHERN LIGHTS STRIKE! Sumo Pig: BWEE! Felix: (crashing through the wall) MMMMRRRRROOWOW! Herb: FLYING SWORD DRAGON SLICE WAVE! Sicarii: (in the middle of it all) Oh shit. (A stream of auroea borealis plasma blasts down from the sky, making a nice hole in the spaceship on the way down. Right on Sicarii and Tsung. Herb's attack blasts out a column of fire. Right on Ryoga and Sicarii. The Sumo Pig and Felix collide. Right over Sicarii.) Tsung: (dazedly) I persevere! Or.. not.. *thud* Priest: You may kiss the bride. I'm going to run for my life now. Cloaked Figure 1: Our ship is damaged. Cloaked Figure 2: I have been hit by a bowl of bean dip. Cloaked Figure 3: Retreat to Neptune. (They clap their hands in unison, and begin to sparkle. Felix, attracted by the light, leaps at them. All four disappear in a Star Trek Transporter Thingie effect.) Band: o/~ ...For the Bright-Street Beach-House Back-In-Business- Blues... o/~ (A shiny blue locket, covered in bits of Sicarii, skitters aross the floor to land at one band member's feet.) Gaijin 2: (picking it up, tearfully) Ah, sure an I wish Kodachi hadn'ta fallen fer that man.. (Blue light flares from the locket, and the band vanishes.) Ukyo: (huddled on the ground) You can get off me now, Saburo. Saburo: (standing) Er. Sorry. Ukyo: (smiling) Don't be. A girl likes to feel protected, you know? Even if I could wipe the floor with you without even exerting myself. (There's a rumble, and the alien ship zooms off into space.) Ranma: Oh, man. Look at your Dad and Kodachi kiss. Akane: (sounding ill) I'd rather not. Nabiki: (running up) Ranma! HELP! Akane: What is it? Nabiki: (seeing her) Akane! Let's get rid of these uncomfortable clothes and... (Ranma jabs her with the cure) ...oh my God what am I saying I think I'm going to be sick... Shampoo: (running up) Nabiki! Come back here and die like a man! Nabiki: (looking ill) I've been thinking like a man quite enough for one day, thank you. Ranma: What's up, Shampoo? Shampoo: (brightening) Oh, hi Ranma! Lovely wedding, didn't you think? Ko-chan is very lucky. Ranma: (angrily) Huh? Perfect Japanese? You're not Shampoo! Nabiki: (in a flash of inspiration) That's right! Oh, Ranma, it was horrible! This demon killed Shampoo and took her place! The humanity of it all! Shampoo: I can assure you... Ranma: (enraged) IT KILLED SHAMPOO? HIRYUU SHOTEN HA! (The column of ki-enhanced air sends Shampoo flying through one of the new holes in the roof.) Nabiki: (applauding) Let's see, with the angle it was at, and airspeed... yup, she should land in the *splash* canal. Van Helsing: (peering across the room) Hasigawa? Is that you? Hasigawa: (delightedly) Old friend! Have I got a deal for you! A mentally disturbed demon was just sent flying though the roof! Business for both of us! Van Helsing: Ach ja? Wunderbar! Let us find the hellspawn! (They race out of the church.) Ryoga: (sitting up) Owwwwwww..... (The Sumo Pig walks over and begins to lick his face.) Ryoga: (making frantic attempts to push it away) Glug. Akari: KATSUNISHIKI! Stop that! Chief Sugita: (walking over) Akari Unryuu? Akari: (turning) Yes? Sugita: (smiling) You're under arrest. Letting a dangerous animal run free. Akari: But... Sugita: I wouldn't worry. With good behavior, you'll be out in a few years. (Zoom in on Soun and Kodachi, still locked in a kiss. Fade to black.) END OF EPISODE 8 EPILOGUE "Oh Soun-sama! Where are you? AHAhAHaHahaHAhA!" Ranma and Akane winced as Kodachi bounced merrily through the dojo, looking for her new husband. Nabiki had arranged for them to to go on a long honeymoon, far, far away from Tokyo. Everyone was counting the hours til they left. "Baka," Akane muttered sourly. "This is all your fault." "My fault! Why?" "Because you missed with the stupid cure, that's why!" Ranma glumly watched Kodachi race through the living room, leaving a trail of black petals behind her. "I didn't miss, you macho chick. It's not my fault that weirdo appeared out of nowhere." "WHERE IS THE TENDO DOJO!" Shooting Ranma a This-Isn't-Over-Yet glare, Akane walked across the living room and opened a closet, revealing Ryoga attempting to get directions from a coat. "I SAID, uh, oh, hi Akane..." Sensing that Ryoga was in one of his more volitile moods, Ranma began to edge out of the room. Sadly, the movement only attracted the Lost Boy's attention. "RANMA! TODAY IS THE DAY I..." "Look, not in the dojo, okay, P-chan?" Akane giggled in spite of herself. "That's right, Ryoga. I found out you're really *snicker* P-Chan with a Jusenkyo curse!" Ranma winced. "Isn't that funny, Ryoga-kun? Nabiki came up with that... um, Ryoga? What are you doing with that tanto?" Ranma walked over, took the ritual dagger out of Ryoga's trembling hands, and walked him a distance away from the puzzled Akane. "Look, Ryoga... I know it's rough, knowing that she hates your guts and all..." Ryoga gave a strangled whimper and reached for the tanto again. Ranma gently pulled it away. "But look, man, I think she'll forgive you. Just give me time to persuade her. In the meantime, maybe you'd better lie low for a bit, okay?" The Lost Boy jerkily nodded. "O-okay. Thanks, Ranma." Hefting his pack, he charged off into the sunset, leaving Ranma to muse over how easy some people were to manipulate. "Hi Ranma," said Nabiki. Reaching for his wallet in an almost Pavlovian response, he turned. "Yeah?" Nabiki gave a predatory grin. "Oh, nothing. Just wanted to thank you for curing me, and for taking that job. You ARE going to continue working there, yes?" "No. No way in hell." The smile got bigger. "What a shame. Guess I'll just have to tell Akane that you've been spending every meal at Ukyo's." "I'm asking for a raise." "Good boy." She yawned, and walked over to Akane. "Look, sis, sorry about... well... you know. I wasn't myself." Akane smiled. "It's okay, Nabiki. You don't have to keep apologizing." Nabiki shrugged uncomfortably. "Yeah, well, I just don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything." "It's okay, really. Look, I'll prove it. We'll go take a bath, ne? You can soap my back." Nabiki chuckled. "Fair enough." The two sisters left, passing Kasumi on their way out. Ranma shook his head. Kasumi used to seem so... reassuring. Now she was beginning to give him the creeps. Taking a dustpan, Kasumi began to sweep up the trail of rose petals Kodachi had left. "Hello, Ranma!" "Hey, Kasumi. You, uh, feeling alright again?" "Oh, yes. Although the dreams seem to be coming while I'm awake and the silly voices won't leave me alone." The phone rang. "Ranma, could you please get that for me?" Nodding, he picked up the handset. "Tendo-ke." "*Ranma? This is Doctor Tofu. Look, I've been doing some more tests on that love potion..." Ranma swallowed. "Oh no, don't tell me the cure doesn't work or somthin'!" "*Oh, the cure works. It's just that the people who were drugged might have momentary relapses for a few minutes. They should be completely gone within the week." "Okay, doc. Thanks for the warning." Akane's screams of panic started a few seconds before he hung up the phone. Ranma mentally debated whether or not to run in the bathroom and help, but wisely concluded that this would just get him a hammer blow. "Oh, Ranma, could you get me another duck? That last one you brought home was delicious." [End Theme: A Girl Needs A Knife, by the Flash Girls] * * * Guest Stars, in no particular order: Gosunkugi Sicarii - Ranma 2096 Mulder and Scully - The X-Files The Institut Rats - Tales From The Blau Teufel Van Helsing - Dracula Foxtrot | Travis Butler | RpM | Thom Youngblood |}- The Nameless Prereader Crew Kergma | Kevin Eav | Zen | The Librarian - The Discworld Series The Rifts Gamers - KawaiiMuck The Blue Locket - Converging Series * * * Shampoo lay back in her hospital bed, moaned, and wished the nurses would just sedate her until she was able to get up and about again. It wasn't the pain. Granted she _did_ hurt like hell; Ranma's Hiryuu Shoten Ha had broken her leg and sprained several important joints. The fact that he had thought he was attacking someone who had killed her made it slightly easier to bear, and Amazons are taught to ignore pain anyway. It wasn't the boredom. Kodachi visited every day, and brought her books, tapes, and a dartboard with a picture of Nabiki tacked to it. Nabiki... was going to DIE. Horribly. With loving care paid to every little detail. Shampoo had whiled away many hours by planning out torture routines that would have made the Spanish Inquisition gag. It wasn't the embarrassing application of the Fifth Rule of Hospital Stay (You can't fasten that stupid little gown properly in the back, and all your nurses are of the opposite gender). It wasn't the fact that some moron had spilled a glass of water on her. It wasn't the fact that she hadn't seen Ranma since he gave her a one-way ticket on Ki Blast Airlines. It was the fact that those two idiots with the German accents kept trying to exorcise and psychoanalyze her. At the same time. "Ah so, tell me about your relationship with your father." "I charge thee, in the Name of St Michael, remove thyself from this girl's body!" "Shut up." "Now now, you must cooperate if you wish to be cured. I am thinking perhaps the root of your problems comes from a Hostility/Attraction Complex toward iguanas...." "Return from whence thou came, hellspawn! I abjure thee from this plane of existance!" "Go away." She didn't think she could take much more of this. Luckily for her, Kodachi picked that moment to walk in. "How are you doing, dear?" "Fine, Ko-chan. Could you please defensterate these two windbags?" "What? Vas ist?" *snap*snap* "EEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Kodachi rolled her ribbon back up and closed the window. "Your room's on the third floor, you know." "Yes. Hopefully they landed on their heads." Shampoo smiled wistfully at this thought. "So. What have you brought me today?" "Well," Kodachi said, fumbling through her bag, "I have the Anarchist's Cookbook, Atemi for Romance and Relationships, 1001 Things To Do With A Dead Nabiki..." "You're kidding." "Nope. Seems she extorted money from the president of the Publications Club, and he printed a joke book as his revenge." Shampoo grinned. "And he got away with it?" "Well, sort of. Nabiki demanded and got 60% of the profits." "Wow. Still, should be a fun read." "Oh yes. Check out #23." Taking the book, Shampoo eagerly flipped to the right page. "Bronze the corpse, put on roof, and use as gargoyle to scare away evil spirits. I love it!" Kodachi began her maniacal laugh, but was stopped short by the door crashing inwards, revealing a gigantic pig and a young lady dressed in prison clothing. "Um, hi," said the convict. "Look, Shampoo, can we talk?" "Unryuu, right?" Shampoo asked, propping herself up. "Sure." "Alone?" Kodachi stood. "I'll just wait outside." She nodded pleasantly, and walked out. The pig began to chew on the IV line. Oblivious, Akari sat down by the side of the bed. "Gee, this is sorta embarrassing..." "What is?" "Well... see, the Unryuus need strong people to manage to pig farm. So every daughter gets sent out with instructions to marry whoever is able to beat Katsunishiki here." Shampoo nodded. "My village has similar customs and rules." Akari brightened. "Oh, good! Then you might handle this better than I hoped!" Alarm bells began going off in Shampoo's head, worsening the migrane that had already begun to form. "What do you mean?" "Well, see, you defeated Katsunishiki. And custom is custom, and there is a precedent...." "Oh no... look, I'm already in love with someone, and I like men..." Akari shrugged. "So do I, but the law is the law." "But I'm not an Unryuu! Your custom doesn't apply to me! You can't make me!" Somehow, Shampoo felt she had heard this argument before... "Sorry, I have no choice. The priest will be here in a few seconds, and I'm afraid..." she paused to rummage around hin Katsunishiki's saddlebags, withdrawing a pump action shotgun "...I'm afraid I can and will make you. We'll have to hurry, though. I think the police might know where I am." Shampoo stared at the 12-gauge in disbelief. "Police?" "Yeah. See, I just broke out of prison..." And suddenly the door was filled with people in uniforms, carrying guns. "FREEZE, UNRYUU!" Akari dived behind the bed and fired the shotgun wildly over it. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS! YAAAAAAAAA!" Shampoo just sank lower in the bed, pulled the covers up, and wished she was somewhere else. [End Theme: Surf Rider, by the Lively Ones (Pulp Fiction Soundtrack)] * * * The Nameless Sequel was written to the following CDs Pulp Fiction Soundtrack Maurice and I - by The Flash Girls Another Way To Travel, by Cats Laughing Numerous Cds by The Pogues I'm Your Fan - by numerous artists (REM, Pixies, Nick Cave, etc) Superunknown - by Soundgarden The Mikado - composed by Gilbert and Sullivan The Real Thing - by Faith No More Heavy Metal Soundtrack Numerous CDs by Enya Twin Peaks Soundtrack * * * Ukyo leaned back,her face slightly flushed. "Ooooooh. Aaaah. Oh, Saburo, that was wonderful." "Mmmm. Thanks, I enjoyed it myself. You've got white stuff on your face, by the way." "Yeah, it did kinda spurt all over the place." "French food is like that. Weird sauces and such. More wine?" She shook her head. "I've already got a slight alcohol blush. Let's pay and get going, ne?" Saburo nodded, and signaled to the waiter. "Well, I had fun. Thanks for coming with me." She smiled. "The pleasure was all mine. It was nice to have someone treat me to free food, instead of the other way around." Sitting up in her chair, Ukyo looked at him speculatively. "So. Who are you planning to marry?" He looked startled. "Marry? No-one, at least at the moment. I mean, I really like you, and I had a great night. But even if you asked me - and you're the leading candidate on my list of people I'd like a relationship with - I'd say no. I'm only 17; I have years to go before I'm gonna start thinking about marriage." Ukyo thought about this for a second. The more she thought, the more it made sense. Ranma was a nice guy, and she knew he'd be a great husband. But he wasn't the only one. Maybe she'd marry Ranma. Maybe Akane would. Or maybe someone they hadn't even met yet would. She smiled, and for the first time in years honestly didn't care which happened. [End Theme: Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, by U2] * * * Special Thanks To: Chris "Hey Sable, can I have a Sicarii to kill?" Willmore Trisha "What the ^$%$#^ is a carisak, anyway?" Sebastian RpM "Make it funny." and the Muhoshin Review Team "Wai! Blood and violence!" Travis "You're going to die for this, you know" Butler Thom "Why sure I'll tell you who Tybalt is" Youngblood James "But Zen doesn't dislike Akane! Really!" Bateman Kevin "I've started another story" Eav Susan "I like mental illness in a person" Doenime Kergma "Quiet, stickboy" The Chaotic Marisa "Hades should be capitalized" Price * * * The T'Kraal cruiser found the twisted hulk of the invasion ship floating off Neptune. "Life signs?" "Only one, sir. Can't quite get a fix on it." "Hmm. Very well, retrieve it and send a rescue team aboard." Firing thrusters, the mighty, city-sized dreadnought pulled close. Tractor beams slowly pulled the battered craft into one of the five-mile docking bays, as Imperial Marines and a Emergency Medical Death Commando Squad hustled into position. On the bridge, the Captain listened as the Marines used a laser cutter to open the main hatch. "*We're in... ugh, lookit that..." "*Bodies everywhere, sir. They look a bit chewed on. Something must have boarded them." "Any sign of resistance?" "*Yes sir. A lot of the dead personnel are holding blasters..." "Captain, the lifeform is moving towards them." "Leutenant, you've got something heading for your position." "*Yessir, I can hear it coming... weapons ready, men." Silence reigned on the bridge, as everyone waited for the expected laser fire over the comlink. "*There it... oh, for Gh-nodal's sake, it's only a cat. Kawaii little thing, too. Here kitty kitty..." Then the screaming started. Because of the size of the cruiser, it didn't stop for almost a week. [End Theme: Everybody Wants To Rule The World, by Tears For Fears] * * * Written on a Mac Color Classic Coffee by Mad Doug's Java Hole There probably won't be a sequel. Probably. Fnord. END OF EPILOGUE FINIS "http://www.uni-trier.de/trier/plan-e.html http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/BILES2.GIF talk bpeltier@helium.GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU