EPISODE ONE - Guess what's coming to dinner? (Night. The camera pans across the rooftops of Nerima, coming to rest on the Nekohanten. Suddenly, from out of the shadows, a black-suited, masked figure appears. She stares at the Nekohanten, nods, and begins to slowly make her way towards it. The figure reaches a window, and begins to open it, then appears to reconsider.) Figure: (in scratchy, my-voice-is-disguised whisper) They wouldn't.... (The figure takes out a pole, which was somehow concealed in the next-to-skintight bodysuit. Stepping back, she uses the pole as a lever to open the window. As it is about halfway up, a click is heard, and a barrage of about fifty butcher knives shoots out of the window.) From off Camera: MEEEEEYYYOWWWLLLLLL! Figure: (impressed) I guess they would. Poor kitty. (cautiously enters the restaurant through the half open window) (The inside of the Nekohanten is dark and still. Tables with chairs piled upon them dot the room. The figure hesitates, then begins to make her way across the room. Every once in a while, she stops, checks the floor, and carefully steps over the suspicious patch.) Figure: Why couldn't she have wanted me to break into a nice, safe bank, or the Imperial Palace, or something easy...(freezes)...ohshit. (The figure drops into a forward roll just as a pendulum blade swings down from the ceiling. The roll carries her just ahead of the sharpened spikes that sprout from the floor. She dives through the door to the kitchen just as a portion of the ceiling opens, releasing a stream of boiling oil. The figure stands, brushes herself off, and closes the door. We hear a thump, and two spears drive themselves into the other side of the door.) Figure: That's it. I am definitely asking for more money. (She turns towards the rest of the room. It's the kitchen, filled with the usual stoves, spice jars, etc. Shampoo is lying on a cot in the middle of the room, asleep. A book with a pink cover lies beside her; she appears to have fallen asleep reading it. The figure picks it up.) Figure: 'How To Catch Your Man'...hmm...(opens book)...'Chapter One, Hogtying and the importance of square knots'...(sets book back down) I should have guessed. (The figure walks across the room towards the spice racks, and pulls out a sack. Taking a couple of jars at random, she begins to toss them in the bag. After about half the jars have been taken, she starts to rummage through drawers.) Shampoo: (rolls over, mumbles) Yes, oh yes, Mousse... Figure: Huh? (facefaults, then claps hand over mouth) Shampoo: ....Yes, you can come to me and Ranma's wedding. You stop chasing me? You throw yourself in volcano? (sighs with pleasure) Well, okay... Figure: Oh. (She finds something in one of the drawers, and pulls it out. It appears to be a tome of some sort, bound in leather and inlayed with metal.) Figure: 'Cooking Secrets of the Joketsuzoku, 5th Edition' - Jackpot! Now to get out... (Shampoo stirs, rolling over on the cot. The figure freezes) Shampoo: No, Ranma...move the cucumbers to left, *sigh*, the hedgehog should go there... Figure: Urk. Yes, I am definitely gonna ask for more money. (The figure carefully drops a single black rose petal on the floor, and exits through the rear door, ducking the blizzard of poisoned darts that fly from the doorframe.) Shampoo: ...Ukyo is killed by exploding grill? Akane too? (she gives a sigh of contentment, and rolls over again.) (Outside, we see the figure slip into the Tendo Dojo.) * * * * * (Morning in the Dojo. In the dining room, Mr. Tendo and Kasumi are eating breakfast. Soun is in his normal feeding frenzy, while Kasumi is her typical calm, content self. After a while, Soun seems to notice that the table isn't as full as it normally is.) Soun: (between mouthfuls) Ah, Kasumi, where is everyone? They'll miss breakfast, and I'll have to finish it by myself. (His eyes light up) After all, no point in letting good food go to waste... Kasumi: Mr. Saotome and Ranma are in the garden, practicing. (A loud splash comes from outside) I don't know where Nabiki and Akane could be. Maybe they decided to sleep late. (Genma-panda comes flying through a wall, landing in the middle of the table. Food flies everywhere.) Kasumi: (splattered with food, but not seeming to notice) Good Morning, Mr. Saotome. I'm afraid breakfast is over, but I can heat you up some leftovers if you're hungry. Soun: (also splattered, crying his eyes out) Yes, *sob* please do us the honor, *sob* OF DESTROYING AND EATING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!!!!(cries some more) Genma: (via sign) 'sorry.' (The scene switches to the dojo practice hall. The lights are off, flooding the room in shadows. The figure stands in the middle of the hall, speaking to someone hidden in a shadowy corner.) Figure: I did it. (pulls out bag) I got half the old hag's spices, and a book of recipes to boot. Figure 2: (also in whisper) Good job! Here, give them to me. Figure: Uh, uh, uh. The money, first. (pulls off mask, revealing herself as Nabiki) I believe we agreed on 6000 yen? Figure 2: (angrily) 6000 yen? You said 3000! Nabiki: What can I say? The old crone held out for a lot. Figure 2: Well, okay. I still don't know how you got Cologne to sell you them. Nabiki: I'm a master of persuasion. Now, about the yen? Figure 2: Oh, (digs out a purse, and takes out a number of bills) Here you are. (Nabiki reaches for the yen, Figure 2 pulls back the money) The bag? Nabiki: Of course. (They make the tradeoff.) Nabiki: There. Enjoy. Although what use you could have for them is beyond me... Figure 2: (grimly) This, Nabiki, is going to show Ranma once and for all. Nabiki: If you say so. C'mon, let's go before they miss us at breakfast. (Nabiki leaves. Figure 2 hesitates for a moment, then hides the bag behind a stack of practice mats and follows her. As Figure 2 moves out of the shadows, we see her face. It is....Akane?) * * * * * (The dining room. The hole in the wall has been covered by nailed boards. Genma-Panda and Soun are playing their usual Shogi game. Both of them are still a mess. Kasumi and Ranma-chan are attempting to clean up the mess. Although Kasumi seems to be enjoying herself [The Kasumi Housework Hum pervades the air], Ranma is muttering under her breath and not being very effective.) Ranma: (talking to herself) So I threw him through the wall. Big deal. It's not like he _had_ to land in the food. I mean, he could have, uh, twisted in midair, or, or....well, why should I be cleaning this mess up when he was the one who caused it? (Akane and Nabiki enter. They stare at the room in silence.) Kasumi: Good morning, you two! My, you certainly slept in late today. I'm afraid breakfast is over. Ranma: Over the walls, the ceiling, my old man... (Soun bursts out crying yet again at this reminder.) Genma: (via sign) 'Show respect' Akane: That's...That's no problem, Kasumi. I'll just fix me and Nabiki something. Nabiki: Will you look at the time! I have a deal going down in just five minutes, lost track of time, no time to eat, silly me, gotta run, bye! (She darts out the door.) Akane: Well, I'll just fix myself something, then. Or is anyone else hungry? Everyone: NO!!! Akane: (beginning to get upset) Well, more for me then! (She starts to stride off towards the kitchen. Ranma trails along behind her. She is rummaging through the pots and pans when Ranma taps her on the shoulder.) Akane:What? Do you want something after all? Ranma: (seriously) Akane...I know we fight a lot, and, well, I know I always say I could never like such a violent, macho girl, which is true and all, but.... Akane: But? Ranma: ...But I guess I do care a little about you (Akane looks touched), even if you are uncute, and, well, that's why I'm going to ask you... Akane: (In soft, hopeful voice) Ask me what, Ranma? (Their eyes meet) Ranma: Akane... Akane: Yes? Ranma: Please don't make yourself breakfast. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't throw it away like this! (In the dining room, Soun, Genma, and Kasumi watch as Ranma comes flying through the wall, a dented pan covering his head) Akane: (through the new hole) RANMA NO BAKA! Hmph. Kasumi: I'll go get the lumber. Soun: Saotome! Your son persists in driving a wedge between himself and my daughter! And he is very hard on the house! Do you know what our insurance rates would be like if it weren't for Nabiki? (Lifts off the pan and puts his face next to Ranma's.) DO YOU??? Ranma: (raises his head, dazed) Kawaikunee..(slumps back down, unconscious) (Soun bursts into tears. Genma drapes a comforting arm around his shoulders) Genma: (via sign) 'Come, come. Let's go and get some sake.' (Soun, still crying, nods. The two of them leave) Kasumi: Be home in time for lunch! (Scene changes. Akane is sitting on the roof, alone. She seems upset.) Akane: Baka. Why can't he just be nice to me once in a while? He knows how hard I try to cook, but he just keeps insulting, and, and,....why can't he just try my food? (flashback showing Akane's food doing assorted threatening things.) Akane: Well, maybe I do need some help with my cooking - but that's why I had Nabiki get those spices and the cookbook! Tonight, I'll make them all a meal fit for an emperor! (Akane stands. The sky goes dark, and lightning flashes.) Akane: Ranma, you WILL eat my cooking, and LIKE it! (Thunder crashes) Voice from next door: Will you hold it down! (Sky returns to normal) Akane: Sorry. (Scene changes to dining room. Kasumi has boarded up the second hole, and is sweeping the floor. Ranma is still lying where she fell.) Ranma: Uhnnn...(her eyes flick open)...that Tomboy. Try to show a little concern, and look where it gets you. Kasumi, is it still Saturday? (Kasumi picks up a kettle of hot water and pours a bit on him.) Kasumi: Yes. You and Akane really should find a less expensive way to fight, you know. It's really hard on the dojo. Ranma: (Winces) Hard on the dojo? What about me? Kasumi: Well, you martial artists are tough sorts. (Ranma nods, Kasumi smiles inwardly) You can handle a little pain, right? Ranma: (laughs) Of course. I'm not afraid of a little discomfort. I can take anything Akane dishes out! Kasumi: The dojo, on the other hand, can't. Father has been crying more then his normal four times a day, and Nabiki is beginning to run out of dodges to pull on the insurance people. If this keeps up, we might be in real financial trouble. Ranma: (concerned) Gee, is there any way I could help? I mean, I don't want you guys to go broke or anything. Kasumi: You can try to avoid upsetting Akane, at least while you're in the house. Ranma: Well - I'll try. She flies off the handle at the slightest things, though. And sometimes, just when I'm trying to tell her how I really feel...(realizes what he is saying)...not that I actually feel anything for her. Anyway, she takes things in the wrong context, or I slip, and then out comes the mallet. Kasumi: Just try. Don't say things that you know she's sensitive about... (P-Chan comes wandering in) Kasumi: Like P-Chan, for example. Akane loves him, you know... Ranma: (glares at P-Chan, who is looking smug) Yeah, although why she puts up with the squat little pile of... Kasumi: You see? That's just the sort of thing she'd get upset at, and the kind of thing you have to control. For example, I never mention my intense desire to carve the little sucker up and serve him in a nice orange sauce, which I'll probably do one of these days, because I know it would upset Akane. (Ranma and P-Chan stare at Kasumi in horror) P-Chan: Bhweeeeeeee! Bhweeeeee! (scampers out the door as fast as his legs can take him.) Kasumi: And speaking of food, you need to have a bit more respect for how hard Akane tries to make something you'd like. It really hurts her feelings when you run off screaming after she tries to cook something. Ranma: But what else can I do? I can't eat her cooking! Kasumi: I thought you said you could take anything Akane could dish out? You aren't afraid, are you? Ranma: (Indignantly) I'm not afraid of anything! It's just that, well....Okay. You're right. I will try her food the next time she asks. (Scene shifts to the front of the dojo. Genma-Panda and Soun are trying to open the front door. Both of them are very, very drunk.) Soun: Thish...Thish is ridiulu....ridaku...shtupid. I'm the man of thish dojo, an I want in! (He tries to open the door again, not noticing that he is pulling in the wrong direction) Genma: (via sign) 'hic' (The door is opened from the inside by Akane.) Akane: DADDY! Mr. Saotome! What have you been doing! Soun: WE...(sways, Genma steadies him)..we have been bonding, shee... Akane: I see. (Gets a crafty look) Daddy, can I make dinner tonight? Soun: Of coursh you can, my darling girl. (sways into the house) Genma: (via sign) 'Tendo! Think what you just said! TENDO!' (Waving his arms, Genma frantically rushes after Soun. Akane smiles evilly, and closes the door.) * * * * * (The Tendo bathroom. P-Chan is desperately trying to manipulate the hot water tap on the sink. Ranma walks in. On hearing the door open, P-Chan squeals and dives for cover.) Ranma: Take it easy, Ryoga. It's just me. P-Chan: (Gestures at sink) Bwee! Ranma: Okay, okay. Hold your horses. (Pours a cup of hot water, and splashes P-Chan with it.) Ryoga: OW! Hot water, not scalding water! Ranma: Huh. There's gratitude for you. Y'know, I could have just left you. Ryoga: Hm. Where's Akane? I'd like to see her. Ranma: Yeah, I bet you would. (smirks) Wait right here, I'll go and get her. Ryoga: (Realizing his current state of undress) Uh, no..that's okay, Ranma, uh, you don't happen to have any spare clothes, do you? Ranma: Bye, Ryoga. (leaves) Ryoga: *gulp* (He looks around for something to wear. Unfortunately, Kasumi is doing laundry, and the towels are absent. One solitary washcloth is all that remains.) Ryoga: Better than nothing, I suppose. My pack is in the garden, under a bush - I should be able to make it there. (Using the washcloth to cover his, uh, vital area, Ryoga opens the window and jumps out. We hear a crash and two screams.) (The scene changes to the dining area. Akane and Kasumi are talking. Ranma enters.) Kasumi: Are you sure about this, Akane? You know I don't mind cooking. Akane: Yes, I'm sure. Kasumi: But what about father? You know how he... Akane: Father has given his permission. Kasumi: (startled) He did? Okay, then. You can cook dinner. Ranma: (horrified) You're gonna cook tonight? Akane: (with level stare) Yes. And? Ranma: (remembering his talk with Kasumi) That's, uh.....that's fine. Great. Akane: Then you'll eat it? (Ranma begins to sweat, then visibly controls himself) Ranma: Sure. It'll be a nice, uh, change. Akane: (a bit flustered) Why, that's...that's very gracious of you, Ranma. I'll put some extra effort into it. (She darts off for the kitchen) Kasumi: That was very good of you, Ranma. Ranma: Maybe, but why do I feel like I've just done something horrible? (Soun and Genma, who is back to human, rush into the room) Soun: Where is Akane? I've got to tell her that I've changed my mind about... Kasumi: Too late, father. She's already started. Soun: What have I done? In my drunken stupor, I have brought death upon this house! Kasumi: Now daddy, it's not that bad. Soun: Saotomes, for the sake of your lives flee! Honor demands that we face this horror, but there is no need for you to suffer as well! Genma: My thoughts exactly. Come on, Ranma, let's get going... Ranma: I can't. I...I promised Akane I'd eat dinner. Genma: Son...Maybe I've been too hard on you. I know your life is rough, but there's no need to do this! You have your whole life ahead of you! (Ranma pictures Akane's face when she comes out to serve dinner and finds him gone.) Ranma: I have to. (Happosai bursts in from outside.) Happosai: Aagh! Horrible! Hideous! And to happen to me, a defenseless old man! Genma: What is it, master? Happosai: I've been attacked by a pervert! (silence) Ranma: Don't you have things backwards? Happosai: He, he jumped on me! Naked and screaming, from above! Ranma: (looking down at Happosai pointedly) It would be hard to do it from any other direction. Happosai: It was horrible! I had to beat him off! I feel unclean! Kasumi: Did you get a good look at him? (Everyone stares at her.) I mean, could you identify him? Happosai: No...I was too flustered, and it was dark...but he dropped this. (Holds up the washcloth) Kasumi: That looks like... (Ryoga enters, clothed) Ryoga: Er, hi... Kasumi: Oh, hello Ryoga! Master Happosai here was attacked! Ryoga: (Weakly) Really? (Ranma looks suspiciously at Ryoga) Ryoga: I hope I'm not intruding. Ranma: (with evil grin) No, never! As a matter of fact, would you care to stay for dinner? Ryoga: D-dinner? Ranma: Yup. It'll make Akane very happy... (Ryoga is wary, but doesn't see the trap) Ryoga: In that case, I accept. By the way, where is Akane? Ranma: (with wide, lazy grin) She's in the kitchen. Fixing dinner. (Zoom out on the Dojo as Ryoga's scream fills the air.) (A dark and stormy night. We zoom in on the dojo. Bach's Toccata, the organ bit that gets played in b-horror movies, is heard. The zoom enters the kitchen, as the music swells. Akane is cooking. About seven different pots, cauldrons, crock-pots, etc. are bubbling and fuming. Jars and vials are spread accross the room. Akane is chopping vegetables.) Akane: Oh, this meal will be the best they'll have ever eaten! (She begins to sing her Happy Cooking Song, which clashes horribly with the Toccata. Behind her, unseen, a tentacle rises out of a pot and reaches for her. A crab-like claw from the crock-pot intercepts it, and the two begin to fight.) Crock-Pot: (in croaking, distorted tone) Ia Cthulhu R'lyeh.... (Eventually, the tentacle-thing is dragged into the crock-pot. Hideous crunching noises are heard, and then a faint burp. Akane, of course, hasn't noticed any of this.) Akane: (consulting book) Let's see: Half a teaspoon of Varaiyah Tea. Okay. (She takes a cannister, goes over to a pot, and dumps the whole thing in.) Akane: I hope that was enough. (Scene changes to the dining hall. Genma, Soun, Nabiki, Ranma, Kasumi, and Ryoga are staring at the kitchen door anxiously. A red glow is coming from under the door.) Genma: Do you think she's all right? Kasumi: I'm sure she is. (turns to Ryoga) Can I get you anything, Ryoga? (Ryoga backs away from her, a look of fear in his eyes.) Ryoga: That's okay, Kasumi...just stay back... Soun: I can't stand this! Ranma, go and check on her. Ranma: (gulps) Okay... (He walks over to the red-glowing door, and knocks) Ranma: Uh, hello? Akane? (Akane opens the door. The kitchen is obscured by fog and glaring red light. In the background, we hear chittering and cackling.) Ranma: Akane? Are....is everything okay in there? Akane: Yup. No problem. Dinner will be ready in about half an hour, I just have to finish the teriyaki chicken... Demonic Voice from Kitchen: THERE IS NO TERIYAKI, ONLY ZUUL! Akane: Whoops! Have to get back to work! (closes door) (Ranma shakes his head, and goes back to the others. About an hour passes, and Akane finally emerges bearing a HUGE platter. She walks over to the table, where everyone is seated, and sets it down.) Akane: Enjoy, everyone! (She whips the lid off with a flourish. The platter is empty. Facefaults all around.) Akane: As you can see, I made..(Notices empty platter)...MY DINNER! WHERE IS IT? (As everyone else looks puzzled and relieved, the camera zooms in on the open kitchen door. We see a shadowy blob move out of sight. Camera fades.) END OF EPISODE ONE EPISODE TWO - Doc Frankenstein, eat your heart out. (The dining room, later that night. Gaping holes and splintered furniture seem to have appeared since the last episode. Kasumi is trying to effect repairs. She is sweeping bits of table up when Nabiki enters.) Kasumi: Why hello, Nabiki. Nabiki: (surveying the room) Boy, Akane sure did a number on the place this time. (Whips out notebook) I'd better get started. Kasumi: What are you doing? Nabiki: Totaling up the amount of rare, antique chairs that were destroyed by the rampaging drug-crazed bikers. Kasumi: What are you talking about? You saw what happened; Akane accused Ranma of hiding her meal, Ranma denied it and used the T-word, and Akane.....(gestures at the room)....I wish they would go outside before they argue. But there were no bikers, and we would never keep anything rare in the Dojo. Nabiki: What the insurance people don't know won't hurt us. Besides, they're getting off easy. Akane causes far more damage than any drug-crazed biker could, although the policy doesn't agree, of course. (The two work in silence. Eventually, they stop to rest.) Kasumi: Would you like some tea, Nabiki? Nabiki: Yeah, sure. Thanks sis. (Kasumi wanders into the kitchen. A tired-looking Shinto Priest is packing up various equipment.) Priest: The exorcism is done, ma'am. The kitchen is now safe. You'll get our bill in the morning. Kasumi: Oh, good. Daddy was so worried about the eldritch chanting coming from the Pop-Tarts box. (He stalks out, muttering about horrible gibbering knuckles.) Kasumi: Now let's see. (She picks up a near empty cannister) "Varaiyah Tea"....that should make an interesting change. And there's just enough left for two cups! (sets it on the counter) (She puts some hot water on, and turns to get a teapot and two cups. Behind her, on the counter, the cannister pulses with a golden light...) Kasumi: (Still reaching for the cups) A good cup of tea after a good day's work is always so pleasant. (scene changes to the street outside the dojo. Happosai, armed with a flashlight, is peering cautiously into bushes.) Happosai: (muttering to himself) Attack a old man, eh? Expose himself in public, will he? Well, not in my neighborhood! We don't go for sex perverts around here, and I'm gonna teach this one a lesson! (He briefly pauses his search to take out and fondle a bra.) Happosai: (piously) Fear not, Nerima! Happosai will ensure that perversion is driven from the city! (There is a rustling in the bushes nearby. Happosai starts, then dashes over.) Happosai: Pervert! Feel the wrath of Happosai, defender of decency! (Jumps into the rustling bushes.) (The garden. Genma and Soun are sitting on the porch.) Genma: Well, Tendo, that was quite an evening. The dining room is destroyed, no one knows what happened to Ranma, and Akane won't talk to anyone, even Kasumi. Soun: Yes. You're right, we did get off easy. Imagine actually having had to eat that meal. Genma: (grimacing) I'd rather not, thank you. (A scream is heard.) Soun: That sounded like the master! Genma: He must be in trouble! Soun: We must go to him! Genma: Otherwise, he may escape unharmed! (They vault over the garden wall. The scene shifts to the kitchen. Kasumi and Nabiki are finishing their tea.) Nabiki: Oneechan, this stuff is great! Where did you get it? Any chance of buying it directly from the source? Kasumi: I don't know where it came from. It was in a cannister in the kitchen. Akane must have bought it. Nabiki: Oh. (looks a bit nervous, then shrugs and drains her cup) Okay. (They get up, and go back to work. Neither of them notice the teapot and cups suddenly flare with light, then sprout legs and crawl away.) Kasumi: Amazing how a cup of tea will reenergize you! I feel like I could clean the whole house... Nabiki: I know what you mean. (Scene shifts to the street outside the dojo. Happosai is desparately fighting off what appears to be a giant ambulatory bread pudding, or perhaps okonomiyaki. A menacing greenish aura covers the foul entree; it is shifting its form to avoid Happosai's attacks, and attacking with tentaclelike pseudopods. The fight seems to be a stalemate.) Happosai: Die, you amorphous pervert! (He pulls out a lit fuse bomb, and tosses it at the thing, blowing a small hole in it.) Creature: WWWWOOOAAAGGGHHHH! (Genma and Soun arrive on the scene. They stare in horror at the scene.) Soun: My god! This is a nightmare! The Master is winning! Genma: (yelling) Don't worry, eldritch horror from the nethermost pits of Hades! We'll save you! (The two rush forward, and grab Happosai.) Happosai: Let me go! The pervert must be destroyed! Genma and Soun: Our thoughts exactly. (They toss Happosai into the hole in the thing. The hole reseals.) Genma: Foul thing! You have eaten the master! Soun: How can we ever repay you? (The thing looks distinctly ill, which, considering the fact that it has no facial features, is quite an accomplishment. It begins to flow towards Soun and Genma, who begin backing away. The thing flows faster.) Genma: Tendo, while I would never run from a fight... Soun: Neither, of course would I... Genma: ....I just remembered an appointment I (he dodges a psuedopod) have in town. I must be going. (He runs away) Soun: Wait, Saotome! I shall come with you! (Soun runs after Genma. The thing flows after Soun.) Thing: WWWOOOOAAARRRGGGHHH! (Scene changes to the Tendo bathroom. A nervous looking Ranma is trying to hide under a pile of laundry, with little success. Ryoga enters.) Ranma: (not turning to see who it is) HonestAkaneIhadnothingto do with.... Ryoga: Take it easy, Ranma. It's just me. Ranma: Ryoga! Have you seen Akane? Is she still after me? Ryoga: I don't know. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure how I feel towards you myself. On the one hand, you have made Akane very unhappy (his eyes go angry)... Ranma: Me? How? I didn't DO anything! Ryoga: ...but on the other hand, you probably saved all our lives by stealing her meal. (he looks curious) How did you manage that, anyway? Ranma: Haven't you been listening to me?!? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! Nothing! Nil, zip, zero, nyet, nein, nada! Ryoga: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. Right. I suppose it just got up and walked away? I don't believe... (The door opens and one of the teacups enters. It hops, walks, and climbs its way to the tap, which it turns on. It procedes to fill itself with water. Then it hops down, and walks out, sloshing water all over the floor in the process. Ranma and Ryoga just stare.) Ryoga: Then again, maybe I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. (Scene changes to the Kuno Mansion. Kuno, Kodachi, and Sasuke are eating a late dinner.) Kuno: Dear Sister. What, may I ask, is the name of this most delicious spice you have added to the Ramen? Kodachi: Tenopyhilac Tribarbitol, brother. (Sasuke turns pale, and dashes off.) Kuno: It is delicious. May I inquire as to why you have not gifted our paletes with this heavenly additive before? Kodachi: Because it is illegal in over 50 nations, due to its extreme lethality. (Sasuke returns with a pill bottle.) Sasuke: Here, take this, Master Kuno. Kuno: And what is this, faithful retainer? Sasuke: It is the antidote to the poison Mistress Kuno has laced the food with. Kuno: Ah, excellent! (swallows the pill) Kodachi, you must use that poison again. It is far better tasting than most of your others. Sasuke: Indeed, Master...(stops in midsentence)...Hark! I hear the sound of a intruder! (Sasuke races for the door, which he reaches just in time to have kicked down on him. Shampoo stands in the doorframe, looking really pissed.) Shampoo: Nihao, Crazy Orchid Lady! Return spices and book or prepare to die! Kuno: I shall retire to my study. You two ladies have my permission to stay. Come, Sasuke! (Kuno leaves. Sasuke weakly crawls out from under the shattered door and drags himself after Kuno.) Kodachi: For the last damn time, these are roses. (tosses one at her) Now, what exactly is it that you want? Shampoo: You have stolen Grandmother's spices! Kodachi: Sorry, but no. I can think of no reason why I would ever want to take some old Chinese hag's pathetic little kitchen set. Why on Earth do you think I did? Shampoo: I find this (holds up black petal) in kitchen this morning! Kodachi: Let me see that. (takes petal, looks at it closely) I see. Come with me, Hairspray. Shampoo: That's Shampoo, psycho. Kodachi: Whatever. (Kodachi leads Shampoo down several hallways, until they emerge in a huge greenhouse. Not surprisingly, all of the plants are black roses.) Kodachi: Ah, look at my beauties. Each genetically engineered to perfection, each perfect in every way. HaHaHAhahahAha! (This gets her a dubious/nervous look from Shampoo.) Kodachi: Anyway, take a look at this. (She takes a clear pitcher of water and drops the petal in. The water begins to turn black. After a while, Kodachi takes out the petal, which is now pink.) Kodachi: You see? Its just a common inferior red rose petal dyed black. No Kuno Black Rose petal would be caught dead hanging around your grungy little lowerclass restaurant. Shampoo: Then why... Kodachi: Use your admittedly limited mind, girl. Someone is taking advantage of my undeserved reputation for villainy to mask their own involvement. Shampoo: (reluctantly) Makes sense. Okay, I believe you. But who do something so devious, underhanded, unscruplous, sleazy... Kuno: (heard yelling) Sasuke! Nabiki Tendo will be arriving tomorrow afternoon with more photos of her sister. Remove an appropriate sum from the safe. (Shampoo and Kodachi slowly turn to look at each other, and slowly nod.) Kodachi: What do you say we.... Shampoo: ...Teach Tendo a lesson? You have deal. (Zoom out on the mansion. Kodachi and Shampoo's laughter fill the ears.) (Scene changes to a steet in Nerima. Soun and Genma are still running, and the thing is still chasing them. Problem is, Soun and Genma are getting tired and the thing isn't.) Genma: (panting) Can't run *puff* any further. We make *puff* our stand here, Tendo. Soun: (also panting, and crying) We shall go down together, Saotome. Goodbye, *sob* my darling girls! (The two back up against a wall and prepare to go down fighting. The thing slides forward, and is about to attack, when... ...A car comes speeding down the road at about 210 mph, running over the thing. The driver sticks his head out the window and looks back.) Bean: Sorry 'bout that. (A horde of police cars, with some guy in front raving about busting roads, goes roaring past in pursuit. They also flatten the thing. Soun and Genma just stand there for a moment.) Soun: The drivers these days. No respect for the rights of pedestrians. Genma: Exactly. I think the maniac in front was American, too. Soun: (sadly) Don't these tourists realize that they are guests in our country? (They walk back towards the dojo. Zoom in on the now flat Thing. Slowly but surely, it begins to pull itself up off the road.) Thing: wwhhooougggaarrr...ppanntttiieeessss...wwwoohhhrrgghhh... (It slithers away. Zoom on the dojo. Inside, Ranma and Ryoga are standing in front of Akane's door. Ryoga is holding a squirming bag.) Ranma: Thanks again, Ryoga. I really appreciate this. Ryoga: I'm doing this for Akane, not you. I don't like to see her so upset. So I'm still going kill you one of these days, make no mistake. Ranma: Huh. Right. (He knocks. After a few minutes, Akane answers.) Akane: Hello, RyogRANMA! YOU...(Out comes the mallet...)...BAKA! (Ryoga hastily steps in front of Ranma) Ryoga: Akane, listen to me. He may be a jerk... Ranma: HEY! Ryoga: ...but I don't think what happened at dinner was his fault. Akane: (still mad but no longer violent) Oh really? And why is that, pray tell? Ryoga: Because we saw a teacup walk into the bathroom and fill itself. (Silence. Akane stares at the two, who have absolutely straight faces.) Akane: Someone must think I'm awfully stupid. (She begins to shut the door. Ryoga grabs it. Out comes the mallet.) Ryoga: Akane, waitURK! (Wham. Akake slams Ryoga in the head; he drops like a stone. The bag flys open, and the teacup rolls out. It stands up. Akane stares.) Akane: Then again, maybe I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. (Suddenly, the teacup sprouts big, sharp, nasty fangs from around it's rim. It snarls, and leaps for Akane's throat.) Ranma: AKANE! (He lunges, swinging his arm out in an intercepting punch. It connects, but the cup bites down hard on his arm and begins to dig in. Ranma screams in pain.) Akane: Ranma! Let go of him, you little monster! (She swings the mallet like a baseball bat, striking it from Ranma and onto the floor. It stands, wobbling a little, and prepares to charge again.) Ryoga: Uhhhhh...my head....(he sees the teacup, and slings a headband at it. The cup is cut in half. Ranma, holding his shoulder tightly to stop the flow of blood from his wound, walks over to inspect it.) Ranma: This thing is actually bleeding....It's flesh! (He slumps a little, the blood is really flowing from the wound.) Akane: I think we'd better take you to Doctor Tofu. Ranma:Naw, that's..(A wave of dizziness rushes over him, he sways)...Okay. I'll go. But I think you're gonna have to walk me there. (Akane exits with Ranma, helping him walk. Ryoga is still slumped were he fell, rubbing his head.) Ryoga: Don't everybody thank me all at once... (Scene changes to Nabiki's room. Nabiki, sitting on her bed with a laptop, is typing at a furious rate. There is an intense, maniac gleam in her eye, and she appears to be glowing faintly. Suddenly the window is shattered by a thrown gymnastics club. Shampoo and Kodachi jump through.) Shampoo: Nihao, Thief. Where you put spices? Kodachi: Any last words, Nabiki? Nabiki: (not looking up from the laptop) Go away. Kodachi: AhaHAHahahAhaHAha! Shall we, Styling-gel? Shampoo: That's Shampoo. Yes, we shall. (They jump, screaming, at Nabiki. Without apparant effort, Nabiki grabs them in midair, one in each hand. She throws them into the far wall. They leave dents.) Nabiki: Now go away. Before I hurt you. (Shampoo and Kodachi stagger to their feet and exchange grim looks.) Shampoo: Crazy Hibiscus Lady ready for second try? Kodachi: They're roses, for Pete's sake. Shampoo: Who Pete? Why he drink sake? Kodachi: Noone, it's a figure of speech. Shampoo: (puzzled) Ah, Peter Noone? Kodachi: Never mind. GET HER! (They charge, waving bonbori and razor hoops. Nabiki stands and faces them.) Nabiki: You asked for it. TAO-KIKOUSHO! (Twin bolts of Ki-energy shoot from her hands, slamming Kodachi and Shampoo out the window.) Nabiki: Good riddance. (Nabiki resumes her frantic typing. Her body begins to pulse rapidly with golden light....) END OF EPISODE TWO EPISODE THREE - Varaiyah Tea is the Spice of Life. (Doctor Tofu's clinic. Ranma is lying on the examination bed, unconscious and looking rather pale. Tofu is checking him over. In a corner of the room, Akane is looking on worriedly.) Tofu: Hmm. Very interesting. (Tofu walls over to a cabinet, and begins to prepare a shot.) Akane: Doctor Tofu, what's wrong with him? The bite didn't seem that serious. Tofu: The bite itself isn't the main problem, Akane. Whatever bit him was poisonous. And as to the whatever - well, normally I would say both of you are delusional, seeing as teacups aren't noted for their savagery. But hey, who would believe in a boy who turned into a girl without major surgery? Akane: (very worried) Poisonous? He...he's not going to... Tofu: (reassuringly) No, no, of course not. I'm going to give him a general anti-toxin, and keep him here under observation for the night. But really, Akane, he's in no danger. He's just going to be very ill for the next few hours. Akane: I still don't understand how that cup could have come to life like that. I recognized it; it's one of our teacups. We've had it for years, and it never even so much as twitched before. Tofu: (shrugs) Don't ask me. Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a sorcerer. Akane: Jim? Tofu: Bones. (Points to a new skeleton in a corner of the office) Betty was getting a little run-down, so I got this new one. I'm calling him Jim. Akane: Oh. (She thinks: Sorcerer....maybe Cologne could give us some answers) Tofu: (injecting the shot) There you go. You'll feel better in no time. (Ranma moans a little, and rolls over.) Tofu: You might as well go home now, Akane. If he's well enough, I'll send him back to the dojo tomorrow. Akane: (hesitantly at first, then firmly) No....No, I'd rather stay here tonight, Doctor Tofu. Just in case he needs anything. Is that all right? Tofu: Sure. I'll set up a cot for you in the corner. I'll be just down the hall if there's any change, and I'll check in every once and awhile. Akane: (gratefully) Thank you so much, Doctor. Tofu: No problem. It just means less work for me. (Tofu leaves. Akane walks over to Ranma's bed, and sits down on the edge of it. Ranma, still delirious, doesn't seem to be aware of her presence.) Akane: Ranma, you jerk, why did you have to be so careless? You'll be fine, though, Doctor Tofu said so. You'll be fine. (Ranma gives a low, almost inaudible groan in the back of his throat, then a louder one. Akane takes his hand, and begins to stroke his forehead.) Akane: (soothingly) It's all right. You're going to be fine. Ranma: (muttering) Akane...Akane.... Akane: Shh. I'm here. I'm here. It's all right. (Scene changes to the outside of the Dojo, at night. Shampoo and Kodachi, their clothing and hair singed, are lying flat on their backs. After a while, Shampoo groans, and opens her eyes.) Shampoo: (dazedly) Ohhh....what happen? (She looks around, and notices Kodachi. Shampoo leans over and shakes her.) Shampoo: Wake up, Crazy Geranium Lady! Kodachi: *moan* ...roses...*moan*..Uhh, what hit me? Shampoo: A bolt of Ki-force. Since when Nabiki know how to do that? Kodachi: Since never. She sparred with my brother one day, about a year back. It wasn't much of a contest, and Takewaki was pulling his punches out of a sense of chivalry. Curse it all, Lotion, she shouldn't be able to do that! Shampoo: That's Shampoo. She has defeated me. Me, champion of the Joketsuzoku! (Her expression goes grim) I deliver kiss of death to her! Kodachi: (rolling her eyes) And some people say I'M psychotic. Look, while I'm as fond of a nice open fight as anyone else, neither of us, quite frankly, can take her on openly. I think we will have to resort to subtler means. Shampoo: But honor demands... Kodachi: Face facts, dear. She brushed us off like we were insects. That wasn't a fight to her, it was an interruption. She was barely paying attention to us. Shampoo: So what can we do? Kodachi: At the risk of sounding like my brother, I believe we were defeated by foul sorcery. Doesn't that old hag have some expertise in that area? Shampoo: Of course! Grandmother! She know what to do! Kodachi: Come on, then. Let's go get the old crone's opinion. (Kodachi begins to stand up. Shampoo restrains her.) Shampoo: Wait. Not until morning. Grandmother very bad-tempered if woken up. Kodachi: But...Well, what are a few hours? Okay. Come on, you can stay at the mansion tonight. (They slowly walk off.) Shampoo: By the way, do you play Mah-Jongg? (Scene changes to the garden. Ryoga is sitting on a rock by the pond, looking depressed.) Ryoga: Where could Akane be? Doctor Tofu's clinic isn't that far away, she should have been back by now. I hope she's all right... No, she's fine. (Bitterly) After all, Ranma's with her. He wasn't hurt very badly, either. He's probably faking it, to get her sympathy...he knows how compassionate she is. (Visions of Akane and Ranma together flit through his head.) Ryoga: (Really pissed now) I was the one who saved her! Curse you, Saotome! I shall see you burn in Hell! (He slams his fist on the rock, which shatters. Ryoga, suddenly sitting on empty air, falls backwards into the pond.) P-Chan: (Struggling out of the pond.) Bhwee. (P-Chan walks sadly back towards the Dojo. The scene changes to the front of the house, where Soun and Genma are just arriving.) Genma: And their unhealthy fascination with handguns! Yes, Tendo, we were very lucky today. That foreign lunatic probably would have run us down or shot us without a second thought. Soun: (nodding sagely) You are right, Saotome. Why so many people actually vacation in America is beyond me. Genma: Yes...I have put Ranma in intentional danger many times, to sharpen his skills. But not even I would take him to New York. You have to draw the line somewhere. (They open the front door, and stop dead. The house is so clean it is actually sparkling.) Soun: (With awe in his voice) Kasumi must be working rather hard tonight. (They enter, and look around. They are forced to squint because of the glare from the sparkling floor and walls.) Genma: It makes operating rooms look like a pigsty. You have a fine daughter in Kasumi. Kasumi: (from behind them) Thank you. (They turn. Kasumi stands in the middle of the room, wearing a pristine white dress and apron. In her hand is a mop, also completely clean. She seems to be glowing slightly. On her face is the normal Happy-Kasumi expression, but with a hard edge to it.) Kasumi: Hi Daddy, Mr. Saotome. Did you have a nice walk? Soun: Why thank you, dear, as a matter of... Kasumi: (breaking in) Oh my. You've tracked dirt all over my nice clean floor. (Genma and Soun look where she is pointing. The camera zooms to reveal one small dirt particle.) Soun: That's all right, Kasu... Kasumi: No it isn't, Daddy. The house must be kept clean. Could you wait outside while I tidy this up? Soun: (a bit annoyed, and not budging) Now wait, Kasumi, don't you think all this is a bit... (Kasumi grabs him by the neck and slams him up against the wall. His feet are about an inch off the ground.) Kasumi: (Still in her normal tone) You are filthy, Daddy. I try to maintain a decent level of hygiene, and you smear muck over my efforts. Really, I don't think you should be doing that. Soun: (Struggling to breath) aaauggghhh... (Kasumi tosses him out the door, one handedly. She then turns to face Genma.) Kasumi: As for you, Mr. Saotome... Genma: (Dangerously) Watch it, girl. Try that trick with me and I'll put you on the floor. (Shot of outside the front door. Soun is lying in a heap. There is a crash, and a unconscious Genma flies out the front door to join him. Kasumi appears in the doorway.) Kasumi: (Same pleasant tone but with evil-looking, nasty grin) Oh my! (She closes the door. Zoom out on Soun and Genma's motionless forms. Scene changes to the clinic. Akane is slumped on the floor against Ranma's bed, asleep. Ranma is tossing a little, zoom in on his face. Sweat is pouring from his brow, and his expression had a tortured look to it. The picture wavers, and we do a rapid zoom on his forehead that ends with a switch to Ranma running along a fence. The blurriness at the edge of the picture makes it clear that he is dreaming. He looks terrified, and a shadow behind him indicates that something is chasing him. He keeps running, but the shadow seems to be getting closer.) Ranma: (panicking) Help! Somebody, help! (Kuno materializes next to the fence, standing on empty air and floating alongside Ranma.) Kuno: But why? Isn't this what you want? Ranma: What I want! Are you crazy! Kuno: What we all want. But run, Saotome. I shall hold it at bay for a while, although not even I can stop it. (Kuno steps behind Ranma, his bokken raised in challenge. Ranma keeps running. Behind him, he hears the sound of a fight between Kuno and whatever's following him. Then he hears Kuno shriek in agony, and he senses the shadow following him again. It begins to pull closer.) Ranma: No! Stay back! NO! (Ukyo and Shampoo appear on either side of him.) Both: We'll save you, Ranma! (They leap behind him. Again, there are the sounds of a fight, screams, and the shadow pulls closer.) Ranma: Why can't I get away from it! Ryoga: (appearing out of nowhere) Why don't you really try? Ranma: What do you mean! I'm running as fast as I can! Help me! Ryoga: I'd like to, Ranma. Nothing would please me more than to see you get away. (The shadow is almost on top of Ranma now.) Ranma: (screaming) HELP ME! PLEASE, HELP ME! Ryoga: (sadly) I don't have a chance. Neither did any of the others. Goodbye, Ranma. (He vanishes. The fence beneath Ranma flies apart, and he falls, screaming... ...He is standing on a mountaintop in China. A fortress sits upon a nearby peak. Ranma walks toward it, and is soon inside, in a vast hall. A stone figure sits on a throne at one end.) Ranma: Where am I? Figure: Varaiyah. It is below. Ranma: What is? Figure: What you seek. Here it is now. (We sense the shadow enter.) Ranma: NO! I'm not looking for it, I have to get away from it! (The floor disappears. Ranma falls... ...Ranma is in the middle of the dojo. His father and Soun are watching him curiously.) Ranma: Dad! Something's after me! Help! Genma and Soun: If we feed you to it, we'll be saved. (They grab Ranma, and throw him into a pit. Ranma finds himself in a small room with a door at one end. Heavy footsteps approach the door. Ranma turns and begins clawing at the far wall.) Ranma: No...no....no...I must be dreaming...no....no.. (The shadow enters the room, and advances until it is right behind Ranma. Slowly, sobbing with fear, he turns to face it. But it seems to have vanished; Akane is standing there.) Ranma: Akane? (Akane's face suddenly swells, and her mouth becomes circular and fanged like the teacup. As Ranma screams, the horrible mouth lunges towards his face....) Ranma: (sitting upright in bed) NNOOOOOO! DON'T....oh God..... (Akane wakes up with a start, and sits down next to him.) Akane: Ranma? What's wrong? Ranma: (clutching her by the shoulders) Akane! God, what a nightmare...where am I? What happened? Akane: (soothingly) The teacup poisoned you. You're in the clinic. Doctor Tofu says that you'll be fine, just a little weak for a while. Ranma: What was that thing? What could it have been doing in the dojo? Akane: I don't know. Tomorrow, when you're better, we'll go to see Cologne. Maybe she can tell us what's happening. Ranma: (in tired voice) Okay, tomorrow. God, what a dream.... Akane: Go back to sleep. You need your rest. Ranma: Sure...(He falls asleep) (Akane pulls the blankets over him. She regards him for a few seconds, and then slumps back against the side of his bed and falls asleep.) (Scene changes to the dojo's dining room. P-Chan has managed to open the door, and is walking across the room on his way towards the bathroom. He is leaving small, muddy footprints behind him.) P-Chan: (sounding tired) Bhwee. Kasumi: (from behind him) Oh my! (P-Chan freezes, and then slowly turns around. Kasumi, a butcher knife in one hand, is staring at him and the muddy tracks. The Happy-Kasumi expression seems strangely predatory.) Kasumi: (reprovingly) Now, P-Chan. You've gotten mud all over my nice sterile floor. Whatever will we do with you? P-Chan: Bhwee? Kasumi: (brightly) Oh, I know. We'll make a glazed ham out of you! P-Chan: BHHWWEEEEEEE! BHWEEEEEEEEEE! (P-Chan scampers away, with Kasumi in pursuit. Scene changes to Nabiki's room. Nabiki is on the phone, still typing away at the laptop.) Nabiki: Have we obtained controlling interest? Good. (Phone makes talking buzz) Nabiki: If Disney won't cooperate voluntarily, we'll send them a message. Have Death-Commando Team 5 board a plane for Orlando immediately. (Crashing noise comes from out in the hall) Nabiki: I don't care about the Bavarians, I want that company. (to the hall) Sis, could you hold it down? I'm trying to seize control of the world's economy in here...(to the phone) Tell Zurich to hold off on the Eschaton. (Scene change to P-Chan, who is hiding under a cabinet.) Kasumi: (looking around the room) P-Chan! Oh, P-Chan! Come out, come out! Kasumi has a nice little surprise for you... (She leaves the room. P-Chan sighs with relief, until he hears a hissing noise behind him. He turns, and sees the teapot advancing on him. The spout is swaying in a manner similar to a snake, and is noticeably fanged. P-Chan squeals, and dashes off. Scene changes to morning at the Nekohanten. Cologne, looking rather peeved, is rearranging jars and bottles.) Cologne: (muttering) Something's not right. First my herbs and spices being stolen right out from under my granddaughter's nose. And NOW she didn't come home last night. Hmph. I don't know whether to be angry or worried. (Someone knocks at the door.) Cologne: We're closed! Come back tomorrow! Ranma: Its me! Open up, you old ghoul. Cologne: Hold on. (she opens the door) Son-in-Law! Come in! (Ranma and Akane enter. Cologne looks less than thrilled to see Akane, but doesn't say anything.) Ranma: We've got a few questions for you. Cologne: All right. (Peers intently at Ranma) What's wrong with you, son-in-law? You look like hell. Akane: That's what we wanted to talk to you about. He was bitten by a teacup. Cologne: A what? Ranma: A teacup. Me and Ryoga found it wandering around the dojo. We caught it in a bag, but it got loose, grew fangs, and attacked us. Akane: And my dinner that I cooked seems to have walked off by itself. By the way, thanks for being so reasonable with Nabiki. I though you'd never sell me anything. Cologne: What are you talking about, girl? Akane: The spices and cookbook you sold to Nabiki, of course. Cologne: So THAT's what happened to them! Girl, I didn't sell anybody anything. That stuff was stolen the night before last. Akane: (shocked) STOLEN? When I get my hands on Nabiki...I'm so sorry, Cologne! Ranma: Wait a minute. You were cooking with Cologne's spices? The same kind of stuff that makes people love other people, or can't stand hot water, or any of the other hundred things the old troll here has done to me? Those spices? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, AKANE?!? Akane: WELL EXCUSE ME! I was just trying to make something you'd like! Is that such a crime? Ranma: Yeah it is, as a matter of fact. Theft, to be precise. Cologne: Shut up, Son-in-Law. Now Akane, what exactly did you try to make? Akane: I was going to combine the Teriyaki Chicken with the Wu- Shu Pork, with a stew for a side dish. Cologne: Hmm...How much Varaiyah Tea did you put in the sauce for the pork? Akane: Most of the cannister. Cologne: Girl, that recipe called for half a teaspoon! Akane: Yes, but that was just for one serving. The meal was going to be for about seven people, plus leftovers. Cologne: Dear, that cookbook was written for the Grand Feasts. If you had read the introduction, you would have noticed that one serving feeds 500 people. Akane: (in a small voice) Oh. Ranma: So what does that mean? What's this Varaiyah Tea stuff, anyway? Cologne: It's been called the Spice of Life. A pinch of it will enhance perceptions, quicken reflexes, and speed up mental processes. Warriors used to take it before going into battle. Ranma: So? What does that have to do with the teacup, or Akane's meal disappearing? Cologne: In large doses, the tea can actually bring inanimate objects to life. Akane: So my meal is... Cologne: ...probably roaming the city, yes. Still, its a good thing no one ate any of it. Ranma: Yeah, that's generally the case with Akane's meals. (Akane glares at him.) Akane: But why would eating my meal have been bad, if it does all those positive things? Cologne: That was in small doses. Large amounts grant you great power, but also affect the mind. The user's desires and traits are amplified and twisted, often in a negative, dangerous manner. Ranma: They go nuts. Right. Akane: Wait a minute...would a cup of tea be considered a large dose? Cologne: Yes. A safe dose would be a single tea leaf, diluted in water. Akane: If that cup came to life through contact with the tea, wouldn't that imply that someone in the house had drank a cup? Ranma: I hate to say it, but you've got a point. (looks worried) But who? I wasn't either of us, and it probably wasn't Ryoga. (The door opens, and Shampoo and Kodachi enter.) Cologne: Granddaughter! Where have you been? Shampoo: I stayed at Crazy Petunia Lady's mansion. Kodachi: Roses, dear. Shampoo: (in ashamed tones) Grandmother, I...I have been defeated in battle. Cologne: (with disapproving look at Kodachi) Not by her, I hope. Shampoo: No. By, (she gulps) by Nabiki Tendo. Akane, Ranma, and Cologne: NABIKI? Kodachi: She took both of us out at once. Threw us into a wall, and then Ki-blasted us out the window. The little bitch didn't even raise a sweat. Akane: But that's insane! Nabiki's had some training, all the Tendos have, but I can beat her easily every time we practice. She shouldn't be any match for either of you! Ranma: (Grimly) I think we know who drank the tea now. Cologne: If you're right, Son-in-Law, she's a danger to everyone she meets. Akane: (gasps) Daddy! Kasumi! Mr. Saotome! She wouldn't hurt them, would she? Cologne: Not if they stayed out of her way. But she'd have no qualms about killing any of them if she felt it would advance her interests. Ranma: Wait a minute! Nabiki may be an amoral blackmailer, but she wouldn't... Cologne: She isn't the Nabiki you knew. This Nabiki could care less about whether any of you live or die. Kodachi: Great. And Nabiki was always SO concerned about our welfare before. She always did strike me as the disturbed type. AhaHahAHAha. (Everyone stares at Kodachi for a second.) Akane: (under her breath) Thank you, Miss Stability. Ranma: But can't we just stay out of her way until it wears off? Cologne: (slowly shakes her head) Not with a dose that size. If it isn't purged from her system within two weeks, the effects will become permanent. END OF EPISODE THREE EPISODE FOUR - Cooking with Kasumi and P-Chan (Zoom in on Uk-Chan's. We go to the back of the cafe, where Ukyo has a small apartment. Ukyo, wrapped in a bathrobe, is lounging in a overstuffed chair drinking tea and watching the morning news on TV.) TV: ...leading the Chronos Corporation to issue a 400,000,000 yen reward for information leading to the apprehension of the courier known as the Roadbuster. The Tokyo Police Department had no official comment, but our sources say they are doubtful the reward offer will be of any help. The Police Department has already gone so far as to call in a officer of the Chicago Police, who has been attempting to apprehend the courier for some time now. (This fails to stir any interest from Ukyo, who is still half- asleep.) TV: On a stranger note, Police in Nerima Ward have been barraged by calls from hysterical women, all of whom claim that they were assaulted by a amorphous creature who then made off with, uh, articles of their clothing. An investigation of Nerima's water supply failed to discover any hallucinogenic drugs, which, incidentally, the city has tested the Nerima plant for over ten times in the past year. City Officials had this to say. (TV shows a dignified man in a business suit.) Official: The place is full of nut cases. TV: The Nerima Community Organization has turned out in protest. (Ukyo, who had been paying mild attention, chuckles.) Ukyo: As interesting as Nerima is, I gotta agree with that official. Amorphous monster! (she laughs) Happosai has some competition as the Scourge of Nerima's Women. (There is a loud knocking from the front of the cafe.) Ukyo: (sighing) Damnit, the opening hours are posted right there on the door. (She continues to watch TV. The knocking continues.) Ukyo: (mutters) Idiots. (she yells) ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING! HOLD ON! This had better be good... (She stands slowly up, sets the teacup on her dresser, and adjusts her bathrobe. The knocking continues.) Ukyo: (angry) HOLD ON, DAMN IT! I'M COMING! (She strides out of her apartment, into the cafe, and opens the door. A bruised and miserable looking Soun and Genma are standing there.) Ukyo: (shocked) Mr. Tendo! Mr. Saotome! What happened to you? Genma: It's a long story. Have you seen Ranma or Akane? Ukyo: No...didn't they come home last night? (she looks worried) Genma: We don't know. Kasumi threw us out of the dojo. (Soun bursts out crying.) Ukyo: Kasumi? When was this? Soun: (crying) Kasumi, *sob* her own father.... Genma: Last night, right after we were chased by the monster. (Ukyo begins to laugh, then sees that he isn't joking.) Ukyo: You mean there really is a monster roaming Nerima and attacking women? Genma: (gulps) Attacking women? Ukyo: Yes, it was on the morning news. It's been stealing, ah, certain articles of clothing, too. Genma: Yes...it looked like a giant semi-liquid okonomiyaki, as a matter of fact. (Ukyo's eyes light up with interest.) Ukyo: (casually) Really? You don't say...You both look famished, by the way. When did you last eat? Genma: That would be yesterday's lunch. Soun: Kasumi made it for us...my darling baby....(he has a crying fit) Ukyo: (sympathetically) You poor men. Come on inside; I'll start up the grill and you can tell me all about this. (Scene changes to the Nekohanten. Ranma and Akane are staring at Cologne in horror, and Kodachi and Shampoo are also staring at Cologne, though not particularly horrified.) Akane: Permanent? What do you mean? Cologne The tea's energy will have gained enough of a foothold to begin actually producing more tea inside her bloodstream. If that happens, Nabiki's lifespan will be very short and very destructive. The average human simply can't hold that much raw energy for a prolonged period of time. Kodachi: (yawns) What a pity. My brother will have to find a new source. Ranma and Akane: Source? Kodachi: Never mind. Well, Bodylotion, it looks like you don't have to give the kiss of death after all. Nabiki can die horribly all by herself. Akane: (furious) Why, why you.... Shampoo: That's Shampoo. And you right, punishment does fit crime. Ranma: No...that's...(he turns to Cologne, appealing) There must be something we can do! Nabiki isn't my favorite person in the world, but I can't just let her die like this! Cologne: There is one hope for her, if you can call it a hope. It's a pretty slim one, at best. Akane: (a bit tearfully) What? What can we do? Cologne: There is a herb known as Temerrit, that if blended into a tea and given to Nabiki will purge the Varaiyah Tea from her system. But this will only work within the next two weeks. Once her body begins producing the tea on its own, the Temerrit will be outclassed and useless. Kodachi: Much like Nabiki herself. (Akane lashes out with a punch, but is blocked by Shampoo.) Shampoo: If you going to hit Crazy Begonia Lady, you at least warn her first. Kodachi: Roses, dear, roses. Come along. You're up two games on me, and I want a rematch. Nobody defeats the Black Rose, not even at Mah-Jongg! Shampoo: (smirks) You think so, dear? (They leave.) Cologne: I can't say that I approve of my granddaughter's choice of company. That Kuno girl is one taco short of a combination plate. Ranma: (sarcastically) No, really? I hadn't noticed. Thanks for pointing that out. Now, where can we find this Temerrit stuff? Cologne: Both herbs come from the same place. Varaiyah, China. (Ranma's face suddenly goes slack, he gets a blank expression. Zoom on a flashback. ...He is standing on a mountaintop in China. A fortress sits upon a nearby peak. Ranma walks toward it, and is soon inside, in a vast hall. A stone figure sits on a throne at one end.) Ranma: Where am I? Figure: Varaiyah. It is below. Ranma: What is? Figure: What you seek. Here it is now. (We sense the shadow enter.) Ranma: NO! I'm not looking for it, I have to get away from it! (The floor disappears. Ranma falls...) Akane: (breaking in) Ranma? Ranma? Are you all right? Ranma: (coming back to reality with a start) Huh? Oh, yeah, I just got a bit dizzy for a moment. The poison still hasn't quite worn off. Cologne: Varaiyah is in many ways a harsh, backwards place. It is ruled by a feudal overlord of some sort, who holds his power by fear. Akane: Wait a minute. This is ridiculous. Isn't there _anywhere_ in China controlled by the government? Didn't the Communists take over back in the fifties? Cologne: Girl, when YOUR country takes up most of the biggest landmass on earth and a fifth of humanity, then you can criticize them for being a little slack in some areas. Besides, all the Communists had were guns and tanks and bombs. The rulers of Varaiyah have the tea. Ranma: How can that make such a difference? It can't be that potent, can it? Cologne: You've seen my granddaughter fight. And I understand that Kodachi is no slouch herself. Nabiki fought off both off them with no effort. Am I getting my point across? Ranma: Okay, old ghoul. I get the idea already. Akane: Daddy and Kasumi! We'd better warn them about Nabiki. Ranma: Yeah, right. Thanks for the advice, troll. Cologne: Anytime, future Son-in-Law. Be careful. I don't want to have to find another fiancee for my granddaughter. Akane: (sweetly) I'm sure you'll have to do that anyway, eventually. Goodbye, Cologne. (She leaves, pulling Ranma after her. Outside, Kodachi and Shampoo watch them go from behind a bush.) Shampoo: Damn. Maybe I have to give kiss of death after all. Kodachi: And I was looking forward to providing the flower arraignments at Nabiki's funeral. (They are both silent for awhile.) Kodachi: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Shampoo: Yes, I believe I am. Kodachi: Not that we would do anything that might hurt Ranma darling.... Shampoo: Certainly not! But if they delayed, for a week or two.... Kodachi: Well, a pity about poor Nabiki. Shampoo: Come on. We have bag to pack. Kodachi: I'll charter a boat. AHahaHAhAHaha.... (Shampoo's laughter joins hers, and they walk off together. Scene changes to Uk-chan's, where Genma and Soun are wolfing down okonomiyaki by the plateful. Ukyo is looking on, a pleased expression on her face.) Ukyo: You say Happosai was actually eaten by this thing? How could that be? The pervert was a such a nimble little bastard. Genma: (sweating) Well, uh, he..... Soun: (also sweating) ...He, er, tripped. Over, an, uh..... Genma: ...a hedgehog in the middle of the path. (Soun gives him an incredulous glare, Genma elbows him in the ribs.) Soun (wincing) Yes, that's it. A (he rolls his eyes) hedgehog. Genma: They blend right in, hedgehogs do. Unobtrusive little buggers. The master didn't see it at all, fell flat on his face... Soun: ...and twisted his ankle. Genma: (at the same time) ...and broke his ankle. (They glare at each other.) Ukyo: (puzzled) I don't understand. Did he break his ankle, or twist it? Genma: (sweating) Uh, well, um, funny thing..... Soun: ....he broke one and twisted the other. Genma: Yes! Yes, that's exactly what happened. (sincerely) Our poor master. (Ukyo stares at them suspiciously. They both look back at her with guileless, innocent, wide-eyed expressions.) Ukyo: Right. (Genma and Soun's expressions become even more innocent. Ukyo sighs.) Ukyo: Well, it seems that Happosai had some kind of influence on the thing. The creature has been collecting undergarments all around Nerima, if you can believe the TV. Something's going to have to be done about this. Genma: (nervously) Now, let's not jump to conclusions.... Soun: No need to be hasty... Ukyo: (determined) Look, gentlemen. Your master is the influence behind these attacks, which makes it your responsibility to stop it. Genma: Now wait a minute! Even if that were true, which it obviously isn't, what could we do? Not that we're afraid.. Soun: Of course we aren't... Genma: ...but how do you fight an amorphous blob of dough? Ukyo: I don't want you to fight it. I want you to distract it. Soun: Distract it? Ukyo: (firmly) I shall fight it. (she gets a distant look) This shall be the ultimate triumph of my art, to actually face an Okonomiyaki on the field of battle. This is what I have been training all my life for! Genma: You WANT to fight it?!? Ukyo: (still miles away) I shall go down in history as the greatest practitioner of Martial Arts Okonomiyaki Cooking that ever lived! No, all I want you to do is serve as bait. This thing is mine! Genma: (in courageous tone) Well, that's different! Never let it be said that either a Tendo or a Saotome shirked combat! Soun: Of course! We shall be happy to fight by your side! Ukyo: That's a relief, because you'll be in considerable danger for part of this. Soun: ...but, sadly we can't. We, uh, threw out our backs fighting the monster... Genma: (loudly) OOWWWW! My back! (clutches his spine) Soun: So we can't, good luck though... Ukyo: (sweetly) That's okay. I'll just call Kasumi and have her pick you up. Genma: (in astonished tone) My back! It's healed! Soun: Mine too! A miracle! Ukyo: (hefting her Combat Spatula) Come on, gentlemen. We have a rogue pancake to bring down. (Her eyes shine fiercely) It shall be glorious! Genma and Soun: (less than thrilled) Right, glorious. (They stand, and follow Ukyo out the door.) (We open on Ranma and Akane running back towards the dojo. Ranma, for once, isn't running along the fence. Akane notices this.) Akane: (in teasing voice) Suddenly afraid of heights, Ranma? Ranma: (slows a bit, he seems a bit serious) No, I just.. (Flashback. Ranma is running along the fence. He looks terrified, and a shadow behind him indicates that something is chasing him. He keeps running, but the shadow seems to be getting closer.) Ranma: (panicking) Help! Somebody, help! (With a start, he comes back to reality. He has stopped running, and is trembling a bit.) Akane: Ranma? Are you okay? You got that distant look again... Ranma: (shaken) Yeah, I'm fine. I had this crazy dream last night... Akane: I remember. You woke up screaming. Whatever it was must have scared you pretty bad. (She braces herself, expecting him to angrily deny being frightened by something like a dream. Instead, he sits down by the side of the road.) Ranma: (in a low tone) Yeah, it did. I've never been so terrified in my life, not even that time dad threw me in with the cats. I felt so helpless, so... (Akane sits down beside him.) Akane: People get frightened. Especially in dreams, where you don't have any control. With all that poison in your system, it's no wonder that you had that kind of nightmare. The thing to do is just to try and forget about it. Ranma: I guess. But I can't help feeling that it was trying to tell me something... Akane: They say dreams do have hidden meanings to them. But in this case, I think the message was worse that whatever it was addressing. Ranma: (shudders) You got that right. Listen, Akane, (he gets a slightly embarrassed tone) thanks for, you know, staying with me last night. It was real, (he fumbles, looking for what to say.) , uh, real nice of you. Akane: (also slightly embarrassed) Oh, that..well, you know, it wasn't any trouble really, I mean... (She breaks off, and they just stare at each other for a few seconds.) Akane: (flustered) Well, we'd better make sure daddy and Kasumi are okay, right? (she stands.) Ranma: (also stands, both relieved and slightly disappointed) Yeah, warn them that there's yet another psychotic female Tendo around. Akane: (in a playful tone) Baka. (She runs off towards the dojo. Ranma stands there for a second, a strange look on his face, and then runs after her. Scene changes to the inside of the dojo. A terrified looking P-Chan is hiding behind a stack of mats in the dojo. We can hear Kasumi's voice in the distance.) Kasumi: Oh, P-Chan! P-Chaaannnn! Kasumi's got a wonderful recipe for pork chops she'd like to try! P-Chan! You come on out, now. (P-Chan hunkers down, trying to keep a low profile.) Kasumi: (her voice seems closer) Now where could you be hiding? You seem so skittish, you'd almost think you understood what I was saying...(she laughs.)...Now, you come out, you succulent little morsel... (P-Chan gives an involuntary squeal of terror, Kasumi hears it and knocks the mats away with a sweep of her mop.) Kasumi: Oh my! Lunchtime! P-Chan: BWHEEEEEEE!!!! (He tries to make a dash for it, but Kasumi throws her mop with deadly accuracy between his legs, tripping him. Kasumi pounces on him.) Kasumi: (stands, holds the dazed P-Chan up to her face) You should make about two or three servings... P-Chan: (weakly struggling) Bwheeee... (The doorbell rings.) Kasumi: (brightly) Visitors! (Holding P-Chan in one hand and the mop in the other, she walks off to get the door. Scene change to the front porch. Ranma-chan and Akane are standing there.) Akane: I still don't understand why you changed. Ranma: If Nabiki decides to stop us from getting our parents and Kasumi out, I want to be in a form that I'll feel comfortable attacking her in. You know I don't... Akane: (rolling her eyes) ...Hit girls when you're a boy. Right. But couldn't you have though of this earlier? My hands are all muddy from scooping up that rainwater in the road. (Kasumi opens the door, holding a squealing P-Chan.) Kasumi: Ranma! Akane! Come in! I was just about to make lunch. Ranma: (urgently) Kasumi, you've got to get Pop and Mr. Tendo and leave, as fast as you can. Nabiki's drunk some Chinese herb that's made her dangerous. Kasumi: Oh my! Ranma: Hurry and get them, we'll be waiting for you right here. Kasumi: Sorry, but I can't. I've got so much work to do, and I'd never get it done if I leave now... Ranma: You don't understand. Nabiki could kill you! Kasumi: Oh, I don't think so. Were you going to stay for lunch? Akane: Kasumi, please...(she reaches out and takes Kasumi by the hand, intending to gently pull her outside. Kasumi sees Akane's muddy hand touch hers, and her face contorts with a most un- Kasumilike expression of rage.) Kasumi: (screaming) DON'T YOU SMEAR ME WITH YOUR FILTH, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE VERMIN!!! (She brings her free arm around in a vicious backhand, knocking Akane across the porch.) Ranma: AKANE! (She runs over to Akane, who is sitting up with an expression of sick disbelief on her face) Akane: (in a numb whisper) Onee.....Oneechan? (Kasumi has been violently wiping her arm off on a cloth. Ranma stares at her in horror.) Ranma: No. Oh no. She must have drunk the tea was well... (Kasumi finshes, and her face goes back to the normal Happy- Kasumi expression.) Kasumi: (brightly) So, were you staying for lunch? Ranma: Kasumi, what are you doing with P-Chan? Kasumi: I'm going to be cooking him for lunch, of course. You like pork chops, don't you, Ranma? Akane: No...no, Oneechan, you can't, you wouldn't..... Ranma: Drop the pig, and back away slowly. Where are Pop and Mr. Tendo? Kasumi: They tried to come in, but they were so dirty...I had to throw them out, before they polluted the whole house. Ranma: (quietly) Did you hurt them? Kasumi: I don't know. They didn't move for a while, but they're gone now....how many pork chops do you want, Ranma? Ranma: Give P-Chan to me, Kasumi. Please. Kasumi: (laughs) But I haven't prepared him yet! My goodness, you're impatient today! Stay right there, and I'll bring you both a big plate... Ranma: Sorry about this, Kasumi. (He makes a grab for P-Chan, attempting to push Kasumi back at the same time. Kasumi twists, pulls the mop out of nowhere, and brings it around in a swing that catches Ranma in the stomach. Ranma doubles over and stumbles back.) Kasumi: Now, that wasn't very considerate of you, Ranma. (She swings the mop again. Ranma tries to dodge, but Kasumi is wielding it with a speed that puts Kuno and his bokken to shame. First one swing, then another connect, until Ranma is finally knocked to the ground. Kasumi stands over him, holding the mop tip to his throat.) Kasumi: Well, you'll be one less person to clean up after. (She raises the mop, preparing to bring it down full-force on his windpipe. Before she can, however, a mallet swing strikes her in the back of the head, bringing her to her knees. She drops P-Chan, who scampers away, squealing.) Akane: (whispering) Oneechan, I'm sorry.... (Ranma groggily stands up.) Ranma: (grabs her) C'mon, Akane, we gotta get out of here! Akane: But... (Kasumi is shaking her head, and beginning to stand.) Ranma: (pleading) Akane, please. We can't do anything for her here. (Akane whips her head around to stare at Ranma, then Kasumi. Then, with a sob, she runs. Ranma follows her. Kasumi, who has regained her feet, watches them go.) Kasumi: Those two are always in a hurry. Well, I'd better make lunch. Maybe duck, instead... (She walks back inside the house. Cut to a guy sitting in a chair, typing on a Mac. He has a slightly crazed air to him, and the near- empty 2-gallon coffee mug sitting by him gives a likely reason for his hands shaking.) Writer: (still typing furiously) Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket.... (A lightning bolt somehow does a U-turn through an open window, striking him. There is a flash of bright light, and suddenly he is standing in front of the Kuno Mansion.) Writer: Huh? Isn't that....it is! My God, I'm inside the fanfic! Kuno's Voice: (from a distance) ...the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High... (There is the expected crash of thunder. A lightning bolt slams out of the sky, striking the writer, who finds himself back in the chair.) Writer: Oh. Never mind. (He resumes typing.) (Zoom on Ukyo, Soun, and Genma wandering through the streets of Nerima. Ukyo has a determined air to her, while Soun and Genma seem to be wishing they were somewhere else.) Ukyo: (frustrated) Damn! Where could it be? Why won't it show itself? Genma: No doubt it is scared to approach three people together. Soun: Yes, that must be it. We are hindering your search! Come, Saotome, let's go. Ukyo: Isn't that Kasumi over there? Genma: For shame, Tendo! We couldn't possibly leave Miss Kuonji to face this thing alone. We must stay to insure our, I mean her safety. Soun: (glancing nervously around for Kasumi) Of course, how silly of me... Ukyo: Thank you SO very much. (She peers up and down the street. Nothing.) Ukyo: (frustrated) Of all the women in the city, why won't it attack me? (Genma and Soun look at her work shirt and jeans pointedly.) Ukyo: (looks at them for a minute) Oh no...you don't think... Genma: (coughs embarrassedly) Well...I mean, er, it isn't exactly obvious... Soun: I suppose, mmm, it might not realize, uh, that you.... Genma: ...that you are... Soun: ...Well, it would be an understandable mistake.... Ukyo: (irritated) Yeah, tell me about it. Genma: (hastily) Not that that's a BAD thing, of course.... Soun: Far from it! Ukyo: But it HAS to show itself! (Raises her voice) CREATURE! HEY AMORPHOUS CREATURE! LOOK! (She raises her shirt. The entire street stops, and stares. Genma hastily covers Soun's eyes.) Genma: Um....Miss Kuonji...I don't think it's around here...um....your shirt? Guy on the Street: (to another) Amorphous creatures have all the luck. (Ukyo seems to come to her senses, and lowers her shirt. There is a collective groan of disappointment, and motion resumes. Genma removes his hand from Soun's eyes.) Ukyo: (embarrassed) Sorry. I don't know what came over me. Genma: I think that was a matter of what didn't come over you. Ukyo: Er. Right. (There is a scream from about a block away.) Ukyo: (suddenly alert) The creature! Follow me! (She dashes off. Genma and Soun look at each other, shrug, and follow her.) END OF EPISODE 4 EPISODE 5 - Ukyo vs. Okonomiyaki! Round One! Fight! (We open on a street in Nerima. Ranma-chan and Akane are running along it. After a while, they begin to slow.) Ranma: (out of breath) I don't think she followed us. Akane: (still in shock) My God, I just hit Kasumi... Ranma: It's a good thing you did. She was about to kill me, remember? Akane: But...but what if I hurt her? Ranma: Akane, I don't think anything short of a cruise missile would hurt her at this point. Akane: (miserably) I suppose so. (They walk silently along for a few minutes.) Ranma: (hesitantly) Look, Akane...that really wasn't Kasumi back there. You know she'd never say or do the things she just did. Akane: I know that, really. But it there was just enough of the real Kasumi in her to...(she sighs)...I just wish didn't have to have hit her. Ranma: (miffed) You hit ME all the time, and never seem to mind. Akane: That's different. You always deserve it. Ranma: Huh. Violent tomboy. Akane: (with a bit more spirit) Hentai. (Ryoga enters from a sidestreet.) Ranma: Look, it's P-Chan! Akane: (looking around) Where? Ranma: My mistake. It's just Ryoga. Akane: Kasumi must have hit you in the head. How could you mistake Ryoga for a small black pig? Ranma: (innocently) Oh, I don't know. I've seen other people do it before. (Ryoga sees them, and dashes over.) Ryoga: (flustered) Akane! You aren't hurt, are you? Akane: (puzzled) No. Why would I be? Ryoga: Well, Kasumi...(he stops, realizing "Ryoga" wasn't there)...that is, uh, I mean.... Ranma: ...You found out that Kasumi and Nabiki are acting strange and violent, and were worried? Ryoga: (shoots a grateful look at Ranma) Yes, exactly. Akane: We're both fine. I just wish I knew that father and Mr. Saotome are too. Ryoga: What's happened to Kasumi and Nabiki? I assume they both didn't just wake up one day and decide to go psychotic and stalk small, defenseless, harmless pigs? Akane: P-Chan! What if he decides to go back to the dojo? Ryoga: I don't think he'd do that. Ranma: Listen to him, Akane. Ryoga knows how P-Chan thinks. (Ryoga glares at him.) Akane: Well...all right. As for what happened, it's a long story. Ranma: ...But in the end, it's all Akane's fault. (Akane glares at him.) Ryoga: Tell me about it, Akane. Akane: I'd be glad to. (They both turn their backs on Ranma, and begin to walk away, talking.) Ranma: Hey! Wait up! (He runs after them. Scene changes to a old wharf. Shampoo and Kodachi are sitting on the edge.) Shampoo: What we waiting for? Kodachi: The boat. The Kuno family is very active in the salvage industry, and I secured our transportation through this fact. Shampoo: Crazy Rose Lady get good boat, I hope. Kodachi: These are ro...(she breaks off) Shampoo! You got it right! Shampoo: So did you....Kodachi. (They sit for a few more seconds. Suddenly, a periscope rises from the waters off the coast.) Shampoo: (rising and pointing) What that? Kodachi: (also standing) That, Shampoo, is our boat. (The periscope rises, as does the conning tower it is attached to. As Shampoo and Kodachi watch, the sub rises to the surface and pulls alongside the wharf.) Shampoo: (amazed) You got us a sub? How? Kodachi: Like I said, the Kunos are active in the salvage industry. The old USS Growler here was decommissioned in 1946, and spent the next 50 years in a two-bit naval museum in Florida. The museum went broke, the Growler was sold for scrap, and we bought it. Shampoo: It still work? Kodachi: I've had it restored and modernized. It should run like a dream. (The hatch opens, and Sasuke, outfitted in a gaudy naval uniform, sticks his head out.) Sasuke: (saluting) Ready to depart, Mistress-Captain Kuno! Kodachi: Excellent! (she gives an ornate bow to Shampoo) After you. Shampoo: Thank you. (She leaps aboard. Kodachi follows, and the two descend through the main hatch. As the sub submerges, we zoom in on the name _Searose_ painted on the bow. Switch to the bridge. The Kuno family ninjas, dressed in slightly less flamboyant versions of Sasuke's uniform, are manning the various control stations. Sasuke is standing in the middle of it all, gesturing and barking orders. No one seems to be paying any attention to him. Shampoo and Kodachi are sitting in a pair of deckchairs towards the rear of the bridge, playing Maj-Jongg.) Shampoo: How we know when Ranma leave if we in here? Kodachi: I have one of our agents watching the harbor. When they try to leave, he'll notify us via radio. Then, after they are out on the ocean, we shall strike! AhAHAhahAhaHahAHaHAha. Your move, dear. Shampoo: (musing) ya-ta-ta...(moves piece) 1 - shanten. (Switch to Ranma, Ryoga, and Akane walking along a street in Nerima.) Akane: ...And that's the story. Unless we get this Temerrit stuff to Kasumi and Nabiki within two weeks, they're as good as dead. Ranma: We're going to try and find Pop and Mr. Tendo, and then get a boat. Ryoga: I shall come with you! The name Varaiyah sounds vaguely familiar; perhaps I've been there in my travels. Ranma: Oh joy. (We hear a scream in the background.) Akane: (startled) What was that? Ranma: Only one way to find out! (He dashes off in the direction of the scream. Ryoga and Akane follow. After turning a corner, they stop dead. The amorphous thing is rampaging along the street, liberally festooned with undergarments. Screaming women, some with newly rearranged wardrobes, are running in all directions.) Ryoga: What the hell is that? Ranma: Dunno...it looks like something Akane would cook. (Out comes the mallet. Akane, unseen to Ranma, prepares to send him into low earth orbit.) Ranma: (snapping his fingers) Wait a minute! It IS something Akane cooked! That's the runaway dinner! (The mallet halts an inch from Ranma's head. Akane sheepishly puts it back into malletspace just before Ranma turns to face her.) Ranma: (amazed) You wanted us to eat THAT? Akane: (defensively) Hey! It didn't look like that when I cooked it! Ryoga: Why is it covered with bras? (They stare at the thing for a second.) Ranma: Nice going, Akane. You didn't just create a monster, you created a Hentai Okonomiyaki Monster. Who taught you how to cook, Happosai? Akane: (angry) WELL EXCUSE ME! Like any monster you created would be any better! Ranma: If I did create one, which, I might add, I wouldn't, mine wouldn't look like a cross between Uk-Chan's and Victoria's Secret! Akane: RANMA NO BA.... Ryoga: (nervously breaking in) Er, excuse me but, uh, it's _looking_ at us.... (Ranma and Akane break off, and turn to regard the thing. It is somehow managing to stare at them without eyes.) Ryoga: (in a small voice) I wonder if that's a friendly stare or a how-would-they-taste stare? Ranma: I don't think it's either, actually. Thing: Wwhoogharrrgghh....Pppprreeettttyyyyy Laaaadddiiiessss... Ranma: (upset) Hey! Who're you calling a lady? (The thing charges.) Ryoga: Nice going, Saotome. (He whips out his umbrella, snaps it open, and sends it whirling along the ground towards the creature. It slices a large cut in the creature, who gives a howl of pain.) Ryoga: Ha! Piece of cake. (The cut reseals. The thing is still charging.) Ryoga: Whoops. (He stands his ground, snapping out the beltblade. As the creature charges him, he begins hacking bits off it. Ranma charges into the fray.) Ranma: Watch this, Ryoga! TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN! (He rains the usual ridiculous amount of punches on the creature. The thing doesn't seem to notice.) Ryoga: (being slowly driven back) Wonderful, Ranma. That was just wonderful. Akane: It's not solid, Ranma! Impact doesn't hurt it! Ranma: (ducking a pseudopod) Great! It's gonna take Ryoga here a few centuries to slice up that thing! Ryoga: (angrily) I'm doing my best, damnit..... (Distracted, he fails to see a pseudopod go in low and wrap around his leg.) Akane: Ryoga, look out! Ryoga: Huh? (the pseudopod begins to retract, jerking him off his feet.) Hey! Let go! (He begins to hack at the pseudopod with the beltblade. Ranma, seeing him down, is trying to get to him. He's being slowed, however, by the need to dodge the dozens of pseudopods aimed at him.) Ryoga: (through gritted teeth) I could really use some help here... (Suddenly, a throwing spatula whizzes through the air, slicing of the pseudopod holding Ryoga. Pan across the street to where Ukyo, Soun, and Genma have just arrived. Ukyo: (doing the Blue Aura Thing From Hell) At last we meet, Okonomiyaki! Prepare to meet your end! (She charges, tossing a small hail of spatulas. With a roar of pain, the thing charges to meet her.) Thing: WWWHHOOOOAARRGGHHH!! Ukyo: First you get the shape right..... (Whipping out the combat spatula, she neatly flips the charging thing over her head and into the ground behind her. It gets a flat, pancakelike shape.) Ukyo: (in a dreamy, singsong voice) ....then you prepare the grill.. (She throws a spatula at a pair of power cables overhead, severing them. The ends fall atop a air vent grating, which begins to crackle with voltage.) Ukyo: Then you cook it..... (She spatula-flips the thing onto the grating. It begins to spasm and bubble.) Ukyo: And finally, you slice it into bite size pieces! (She walks over, pulls out a rubber-handled mid-range spatula, and quickly hacks the thing up. The others just stare.) Ukyo: Hungry, anyone? Ranma: (disbelieving voice) That must have taken up all of 20 seconds. How... Ukyo: My art is swift and sure, especially if you're a Giant Animated Hentai Okonomiyaki. That was exactly the sort of thing I was trained for. Akane: (incredulous) You were trained to kill giant living okonomiyaki? (One of the lumps of thing starts to move.) Ukyo: Hold on. (She hefts her spatula, and walks over, preparing to finish it. Suddenly Happosai springs out of the lump and glomps her.) Happosai: Free! Free! Ukyo: (turning to Soun and Genma) You see? It can tell the difference! Happosai: What? No bra? (She brings the spatula up in an arc, sending Happosai into the stratosphere.) Ukyo: Well, that's that. Ranma: Not quite. (notices Soun and Genma) Pop, Mr. Tendo! Kasumi didn't hurt you, did she? (Soun bursts out crying.) Genma: I'd rather not talk about it. Ukyo: (puzzled) Why would Kasumi hurt them, Ranchan? I don't think Kasumi would hurt a fly. Ranma: (grimly) She almost killed me a few minutes ago. If Akane hadn't been so quick with her hammer, I wouldn't be here. Ukyo: What brought this on? Ranma: I'll explain on the way to the harbor. (Cut to the sub's bridge. Kodachi and Shampoo are still playing their game.) Kodachi: ...and the little slut called me a psycho, right there! Shampoo: What did you do? Kodachi: I denied it, then broke both her kneecaps. Shampoo: (giggles) That so appropriate! Kodachi: (also giggling) Isn't it? (Sasuke approaches, holding a piece of paper.) Sasuke: Word from our agent, Mistress-Captain Kuno. Ranma and a group of others are attempting to charter a boat! Kodachi: Others? What others? Sasuke: Akane Tendo, Ukyo Kuonji,.... Shampoo: THEM! Those weak, puny.... Kodachi: ...sniveling little tramps! What are they doing with him? Sasuke: Trying to save Nabiki and Kasumi, I think. Kodachi: A likely story! No, they're trying to get close to Ranma! Shampoo: I not know why he just not tell them to go away. Kodachi: He's engaged to them. Not by his choice, of course, but Ranma dear takes these things so seriously. Shampoo: Yes, Ranma is very honorable.... Kodachi: (with narrowed eyes) Of course, If they were gone, Ranma would be free to marry one of us. Shampoo: Sea travel very dangerous. (grins) Your move, Ko-chan. Kodachi: (also grinning) So it is. (Scene changes to a harbor. Fishing boats, freighters, and the occasional pleasure craft can be seen riding at anchor. Ranma, back to male form, and Co. are wandering around one of the less savory parts of the dockside. They pull to a stop before a dilapidated waterfront dive.) Genma: (solemnly) The Mermaid's Armpit. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Soun: They have a good salad bar, though. Ranma: (openly skeptical) Do you really expect us to find a boat in there? Genma: No, not really. But I'm hungry. You might as well try to find a captain willing to take us while Tendo and I finish our meal. (They enter. The inside is filled with pipesmoke and sailors. The floor is buried under sawdust, and the walls are liberally festooned with nautical objects. A battered stuffed dolphin hangs from a rafter, with a harpoon protruding from it. Everyone but Soun and Genma stares at the place in disgust.) Ukyo: People actually come in here willingly? Genma: Most of them. Excuse us... (He and Soun walk over to the bar, and begin chatting with the bartender, who seems to know them. Ranma shrugs.) Ranma: Well, we might as well try to find someone. Ryoga: I don't know....I've been around, and I've never found anywhere I'd rather leave without making friends. Akane: (impatiently) We aren't here to look for wedding guests; we need a boat. (she grabs a passing sailor) Excuse me, sir? Sailor: Arr? Akane: Do you know where we could hire a boat? Sailor: (nodding and cackling) Arr, arrhargh. Akane: Excuse me? Sailor: (pointing vaguely towards the back) Arrgh, har har. Akane: Do you speak Japanese? Sailor: Arr. Avast. Arrgh. Akane: Right. Uh, thanks. Sailor: Arr. (Ukyo has walked over to a table where four scruffy-looking Gaijin are drinking.) Ukyo: Excuse me, but do any of you know where I could hire a boat? Gaijin 1: Oi dunno. Lotsa places. Gaijin 2: But if ya want a good seaman atta low price, I'd try Shinshiro Kuga. He's the man I'd be hirin' if I had ta take an ocean voyage. Gaijin 3: Ditto. Ukyo: Where can I find him? Gaijin 4: (pointing) Right over there, in the far booth. You should find his rates reasonable. Ukyo: Thanks a lot. Gaijin 4: (smiles) Don't mention it. (Ukyo walks over to Ranma, who is talking to a elderly fisherman.) Fisherman: That was right after the great storm of '32, or was it '62? I forget. It was right before Yuichi caught the haddock in the spring of.... (Ranma's eyes have glazed over. Ukyo shakes him.) Ranma: (waking) Huh? What is it? Ukyo: Those Gaijin over there say that a Mr. Kuga is the best for the price. Ranma: What Gaijin? (Ukyo turns to point, and sees that the table is empty.) Ukyo: (puzzled) They were there a minute ago.... Ranma: Never mind. Did they tell you where to find him? Ukyo: That booth over there, under the fake crabs. Ranma: Okay. Let's check him out. (They approach the booth. A large, heavyset man is drinking a noxious looking concoction. He looks up as they come.) Kuga: (booming voice) Ho there! What the @$#@&%! do you want? Ranma: (dubious) Er, are you Captain Kuga? Kuga: Damn right, boy. Ranma: We need to hire a boat. Kuga: (narrowing his eyes) Do you? What for? Ranma: We need to get to China. Kuga: (laughing) Boy, you don't want to go to China. Trust me on that. Ranma: (evenly) I believe I'll be the judge of that. And don't call me boy. Kuga: It's got teeth! So you want to go to China, eh? That's not very specific. It's a big place. Ranma: The name of the province is Varaiyah. (Kuga inhales sharply and turns pale.) Kuga: Look. I only think you don't want to go to China, but I _know_ I don't want to go to Varaiyah. That's a good place for catching a bad case of dead. Ranma: It's a matter of life and death. Kuga: It'll be your death, if you go. They're nuts over there. You wouldn't last a minute. Ukyo: Come on, Ranma. We're wasting our time here. He's obviously too afraid to be of any use. Kuga: (standing) Now just wait a *$%#@^&! minute! Captain Shinshiro Kuga is afraid of nothing on this earth! Ranma: You're sure doing a good impression of it, then. Kuga: Look here, pup. I've run the coast patrols of China for 30 years. I've landed nine groups at Varaiyah, and not one of them ever returned. It's you I'm concerned about. Ranma: We can take care of ourselves. Kuga: Funny, it seems I've heard that about nine times before. Ranma: Look, you're the best captain in these parts, right? Kuga: Believe it. Ranma: If you don't take us, we'll just have to get someone else. That way, we might not even make it to Varaiyah. Kuga: Hmm. (pauses) You really are determined to do this, aren't you? Ranma: (quietly) The lives of two people who mean a lot to me are riding on this. (Kuga thinks for a second, and then gives a rueful chuckle.) Kuga: I like your spirit, boy. Okay, I'll take you. 500,000 yen. Ranma: Deal. Let me get the others. How soon can we leave? Kuga: Let me just finish my drink. How many passengers am I taking? Ukyo: Six. Kuga: There's three cabins. Meet me at pier 94 in fifteen minutes. Ranma: (repeating) 94. Right. We'll be there. (Scene changes to the street in front of the dojo. Happosai is bouncing back towards it, a huge bag slung over one shoulder.) Happosai: Hehe! Whatta haul! I wonder if Ranma and Akane are back. (He bounds up to the door, and knocks loudly. Kasumi answers.) Kasumi: (cheerful as always) Why hello, Master Happosai! Beautiful evening, isn't it? Happosai: It sure is, honey. Is everyone back yet? Kasumi: No...they all ran off somewhere. (Happosai looks disappointed, then brightens.) Happosai: Oh well. I suppose I'll have to make do with what's at hand. (lecherous grin) Anything to eat? Kasumi: Roast duck. (her expression goes predatory for a second) Put up quite a fight, it did....would you like some? Happosai: That's me girl! (He bounds into the house. Kasumi gives an angelic smile, and closes the door.) END OF EPISODE 5 EPISODE 6 - Slow U-boat to China (We open on a weatherbeaten sign reading simply, "94". As the camera pans left, we see a pier, covered with barrels and boxes. A somewhat shabby-looking trawler is tied up at the end of the pier. Enter Ranma and Co.) Akane: Are you sure he said 94, Ranma? Ranma: Yeah....maybe he's just bringing the boat around. (Kuga appears aboard the deck of the trawler. He waves cheerfully to them.) Kuga: Hello! Don't just stand there, get the #@*^%($! aboard! Genma: You know, sea travel has never agreed with me, maybe I'll just wait for you to get back... (Soun and the others glare at him. He looks back for a second, and then looks at the deck in resignation.) Genma: (mumbling) Just a thought. (They walk warily up the trawler's gangplank. It sags noticeably. Aboard, conditions aren't much better. The old boat seems to contain more rust than metal. Kuga is standing proudly on the foredeck.) Kuga: Welcome aboard the Pride of Kyoto. Genma: I wasn't aware that Kyoto had so little community spirit. Ranma: What a piece of junk! You expect us to go to China in this? It'll sink in the first strong breeze that hits it. Kuga: (defensively) Now hold on, there. I've been making runs in the Pride since before you were born. Ranma: I'm willing to bet this floating scrap pile was making "runs" during the Meiji restoration. Kuga: (coughs) Earlier, actually. But she's a good girl, and can still move with the best of them. (A door falls off its hinges with a loud clatter.) Kuga: (gesturing towards the now open door) Your quarters are right through here. (They cautiously enter. The ceiling is a little low, and we hear a chorus of pain-noises as they discover this fact.) Kuga: As I said earlier, the boat has three staterooms. Who sleeps where is up to you. Ranma: Great. (vague gesture towards Akane) I'm NOT sharing a room with her. Akane: (annoyed) I'm glad we see eye to eye for once. Soun: Enough! It seems simple to me; the girls will bunk together, Ranma and Ryoga can share a room, and Saotome and I will take the third. (Ranma and Ryoga exchange dubious glances, as do Akane and Ukyo.) Ranma and Ryoga: I don't know if that's a good idea....hey! (They glare at each other.) Genma: There shouldn't be any problem. Where are the cabins? Kuga: Uh.....you're standing on one. (Pan to Genma's feet. He is standing on a trapdoor labeled "3".) Ranma: (grinning) Don't you want to see your cabin, old man? (He kicks the trapdoor's holding pin out. The trapdoor opens.) Ranma: Going down. (Genma falls, landing with a crash. Pan down into the cabin. It's not very big, and has one bed. Genma has landed on it, and as a result the cabin now has _no_ bed. A group of large rats are eyeing him.) Ukyo: Ugh. The ship has rats? Kuga: They climb aboard when the Pride's in port. Once we put out to sea, they'll disappear fast enough. Akane: (skeptical) I don't see where they would go to, if the ship's at sea. Kuga: They don't GO anywhere, 'cept maybe hell. Felix gets them. (As he says "Felix", the rats bolt for a hole.) Akane: Felix? Kuga: The ship's cat. Ranma: CAT! There's a cat on this ship!?!? Kuga: Yup. Old Felix is probably the most vicious, evil-tempered, bloodthirsty cat that ever stalked a deck for prey. (Ranma looks decidedly nervous.) Ranma: It isn't, uh, around much, is it? Kuga: (cheerfully) Oh, she gets all over the ship. Locking the doors doesn't seem to help, she just gets mad and chews through them. Ranma: (weakly) Chews through them? Kuga: Wear heavy blankets at night. She'll go after your feet if she can't find any rats. (Ranma's eyes roll up into their sockets, and he begins to collapse. Ukyo catches him.) Kuga: What's wrong with the boy? Akane: He's, uh allergic to cats. Kuga: Too bad. I'll get a bucket of water to bring him around. Everyone else: NO!!! Kuga: (taken aback) What, is he allergic to water, too? Soun: Er, ah..... Ukyo: We just didn't want to get the deck wet. Kuga: (shrugs) So bring him topside. Akane: Ryoga, why don't you take Ranma to your cabin. Ryoga: If you want me to, Akane. (He casually slings Ranma over his shoulder, and walks off down the corridor.) Kuga: Ah, boy - the other cabins are _that_ way. (Scene changes to the inside of the Tendo dojo. Happosai is hiding under a table, a look of panic in his eyes.) Happosai: Must remember....leave Kasumi alone in the future..... Kasumi: (voice from a distance) Oh, Master Happosai? Where are you? I've got dinner all ready.... Happosai: (relieved) Maybe she was just in a bad mood. Kasumi: And after that, I've got a few vials of hydrochloric acid and a sandblaster that should get some of that dirt off you. Happosai: Or maybe she's really, really upset. (Kasumi enters the room, holding a beaker containing a bubbling and sizzling liquid.) Kasumi: There you are! Now hold still... (Happosai gives a yip of terror, and runs for it. Kasumi follows in pursuit.) Happosai: I'm clean enough! This isn't necessary! Kasumi: You're a dirty old man. (She pulls a squirt pistol from her apron, and fires at Happosai. The liquid grazes the top of his head, leaving a burn mark.) Happosai: OOOOOWWWWW! Kasumi: You must be cleansed! Everyone must be cleansed! Happosai: (clutching his bag protectively) Never! (He opens a door, and dives through, slamming it behind him. Kasumi stops short.) Kasumi: Oh my! (We follow her gaze. The nameplate attached to the door reads, "Nabiki Tendo, CEO") Happosai: (from behind the door) Well, hello dear (glomp) Waitaminute...ohno....AAAUUUGHHHHTTTTGGHHH!!!! HELP!!! (Scene changes to the _Searose_'s bridge. Kodachi and Shampoo are sitting in their deckchairs. Sasuke rushes over.) Sasuke: They're put to sea, Mistress-Captain Kuno! Kodachi: (standing) What heading? Sasuke: "Nerima citizens going abroad". Shampoo: What? Sasuke: (holds up a newspaper) That's the heading they gave it. Page 8, under Dear Abby. (Shampoo and Kodachi look at each other.) Kodachi: (patiently) No, faithful retainer. What is their course and bearing? Sasuke: Mark two-oh-eight, at a speed of 15 knots. Kodachi: Plot us an intercept course. Load the tubes with Mark- 23's, and inform the crew. Sasuke: Your will, Mistress-Captain. Shampoo: We no torpedo Ranma! Kodachi: Of course not. We need to find a way to get him off the boat. If we can't, we'll just cripple the scrap heap he's in, pick him up, and then send the shorthair hussy and the spatula slut to the bottom. Shampoo: Good idea, Ko-chan. But what if he mad at us? Kodachi: We try to keep out of sight at first. Hopefully, we can sink them without Ranma ever seeing us. Shampoo: (shrugs) If he too upset, I just use number 110 rinse on him. (she glares at the ninjas) Move ship quick, silly men! Kodachi: Kuonji and Tendo, your bones shall be gathering coral before the day is out! (Scene changes to Ukyo and Akane's cabin. Ukyo is sprawled in a hammock, toying with one of her throwing spatulas and reading a book. Akane, in her gi, is practicing in a corner. Finally, Ukyo looks up.) Ukyo: (slightly exasperated) Akane, you've been training for five hours now. Why don't you sit down? Akane: (stopping) Sorry. Just trying to work off a little irritation. Ukyo: (mutters) You'll have to train a lot longer for that to happen... Akane: What? Ukyo: Just talking to myself. So, have you ever been to China? Akane: Not by choice. Ukyo: What's it like? Akane: I wouldn't know. Except for a small part of Nekrolon, I didn't really see much. I was a virtual prisoner for most of it. Ukyo: I think I remember Ranchan telling me about this. Something about eight interesting deities... Akane: Seven Lucky Gods. They were a group of martial artists, weird ones. They ate nothing but pickled vegetables and rice. We were lucky to escape with our lives....If Ranma hadn't thought of using water... Ukyo: Mousse and Shampoo were along for that one, weren't they? Akane: And Kuno and Happosai. (she makes a face) I don't know which of those two I'd welcome least. Ukyo: Well, I hope I'm better company for you and Ranchan than those four. Akane: (mutters) That's the problem. Ukyo: Excuse me? Akane: I said, you certainly are. I wonder what they're up to? (Switch to Ranma and Ryoga's cabin. Ryoga is sprawled on the bed, reading a manga. Ranma, a big stick in hand, is perched in a corner looking nervous.) Ranma: What was that? Ryoga: (disgusted) Just the boat moving. For God's sake, Ranma, calm down. I'd like a little peace. Ranma: Yeah, right, sorry..... (Ryoga goes back to his reading. A few seconds later, a scampering noise comes from out in the hall.) Ranma: AAAUUUUGHHHH!!! It's the cat! Ryoga: (Angry) You stinking coward! You ruin my life, and then interrupt my moment of solitude with your shrieking! I should put you out of your misery right now! Ranma: (also angry) Go ahead, P-Chan....Pigs I can deal with! (Ryoga leaps out of his bunk, and comes into a fighting position. Then he relaxes.) Ryoga: Tomorrow we'll settle this man to man. I'll be right back. Ranma: (scornfully) Don't get lost, now. (Ryoga climbs out the hatch, and looks around the corridor.) Ryoga: Now where was the bathroom? (A moving patch of white down the corridor catches his eye. He runs after it. As he approaches it, we see that it's a off-white cat. The cat, while having a few scars and slightly matted fur, seems to look rather cute.) Ryoga: Felix? Felix: Mrrooww? Ryoga: (incredulous) You're the monster ship's cat Ranma is scared to death of? You? (Felix rolls over on her belly, and begins to purr. Ryoga bend down to pet her.) Ryoga: Aww, how cute. Kitty like that? (Felix continues to purr.) Ryoga: This just proves Ranma's cowardice. Imagine anyone being scared of you. Felix: Mrrrooww? (Switch back to Akane and Ukyo's cabin.) Akane: So, then you stir the batter at 2000 degrees? Ukyo: No, 200. Akane, I don't think you.. (A series of screams ring out. Ukyo and Akane give each other startled glances.) Ukyo: That sounded a bit like Ranchan! Come on! (They scramble up the hatch to the hall. Soun and Genma emerge from their room, and Ranma pokes his head cautiously out the hatch to his room.) Genma: What's all this noise? Ukyo: Ranma, was that you? Ranma: It wasn't me! Where's Ryoga? He left just a few minutes ago. Akane: (calling) Ryoga! Where are you! (As if in answer, Ryoga turns the corner and comes barreling down the hall at full speed. He trips and falls.) Ryoga: (panicked) Get it off me! Get it off me! Akane: Get what off you? (Ryoga slowly realizes that nothing is on him. He stands, and we see that his clothing is shredded. He had some big, nasty looking cuts and gashes.) Akane: (shocked) My God, Ryoga, what happened? Ryoga: (hysterical) The cat! The cat! I was just petting it, and I must have rubbed it the wrong way, and then it was all over me, biting and clawing and spitting..... (Ranma's eyes roll up, and he faints.) Ukyo: A _cat_ did that to you? Ryoga: It's not natural! It's a demon from Hell! It's evil! (Felix turns the corner.) Ryoga: THERE IT IS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! (He dives through the hatch to his and Ranma's room, and bolts it behind him.) Felix: Mrrrroooowww? Akane: Oh, what a cute little kitty! Ukyo: Isn't it? (They walk over, and begin to fawn over the cat. Felix just poses for them.) Genma: Ranma's fear must be contagious. Soun: Ryoga must have tripped and hit his head. Look at the sweet little thing. (chuckles) Demon from Hell! I've seen bunnies that were more sinister. (They return to their room.) Akane: Ohh, does kitty want its tummy rubbed? (Switch to Ranma and Ryoga's cabin. Both of them are huddled together in a corner.) Ryoga: (clutching his umbrella) It's not natural! I tell you, Ranma, Satan lives in that cat! Ranma: (barely in control) Just keep a sharp eye out... (A rat scuttles across the floor. The two jump, and then relax when they see what it is.) Ryoga: (fervently) If we live through tonight, I'm never going near a cat again! Ranma: Yeah, Ryoga. Join the ranks of us "stinking cowards." Ryoga: Shut up, and get ready to run if you see a bit of white come in. (Scene changes to a view of the Pride through a periscope. Zoom out to see Kodachi peering intently through it.) Kodachi: There it is. Range to target, Mr. Sasuke? Sasuke: 45 of these little marks on the viewing thingie, Captain. Shampoo: Is that torpedo range? Sasuke: I think so. Kodachi: Plot a firing solution. Rig for silent running. All ahead full. Prepare some ramen. Sasuke: Solution, silent, ahead, and ramen. Aye, Captain. Shampoo: How far we from China? Sasuke: Only a mile or two. Shampoo: Ko-chan, we not act quick, they land. Kodachi: I know. We'll get closer, and fire a shot off their bow. When they sink, we'll pick up Ranma and leave the others to drown. (A crewman enters the bridge, bearing two steaming bowls of ramen.) Shampoo: (surprised) That was fast. Crewman: Mistress Kuno insists on speed. (he shudders) So we're fast. Really fast. In fact, we had it prepared before she ordered it cooked. Shampoo: (puzzled) How you know, then? Crewman: It's a gift. Kodachi: Thank you, Walter. That will be all. Crewman: Yes, Mistress Kuno. (He sets the bowls on a bank of controls, and leaves.) Kodachi: Mr. Sasuke, report! Sasuke: It's pork broth, Captain, with a bit of meat for protein. And of course the noodles are up to our usual stand..... Shampoo: She mean target, idiot. (Sasuke give Kodachi an appealing glance, but gets no sympathy. Somewhat miffed, he continues.) Sasuke: The target is now well within torpedo range, and keeping it's bearing. It is flying Chinese colors, and has been disguised as a fishing vessel. Kodachi: Soon, soon. Ranma darling will be troubled by two less fiancees after tonight. AHahaHahAHAhAhahAhAHAha! (Shampoo joins the laughter.) Shampoo: Sluts die at bottom of sea! (She slams her hand on the console to punctuate her words. One of the bowls of Ramen spills onto an instrument bank. Sparks fly, and smoke begins to billow out of the panel.) Kodachi: (sees the smoke) Wha?.....Fire! Fire! Sasuke: Aye-aye, Captain. Firing both tubes. (He presses a button, and the ship shudders as the torpedoes are released.) Kodachi and Shampoo: YOU IDIOT!!!!!! (Shampoo grabs him by the collar, and slams him up against the wall.) Shampoo: You shoot at Ranma! Sasuke: Gah....but she said..... Kodachi: Idiot! I was referring to that! (points to the flaming console) Sasuke: (notices the burning console) AUGH! Fire! Crewman: Aye, sir. (He presses a button, and the ship shudders again.) Shampoo: (in tears) Tell me those not aimed at ship! Sasuke: Is that a direct order? Kodachi: He'll be blown to pieces! What do we do? Sasuke: We can use the torpedo destruct button, just like James Earl Jones! Kodachi: Great! Where is it? Sasuke: (points to the flaming console) Right over...oh. Oh dear. Sonarman: Captain! I've got something.... Kodachi: (wincing) Explosions? Sonarman: No..I thought I heard singing. (Scene changes to the deck of the Pride. Kuga is sitting by the rail, watching the stars and singing in a loud voice.) Kuga: (singing)....with a snail if you slow to a crawl, but the Hedgehog can never be bugg....(something in the water catches his eye) What the......TORPEDO! (He runs belowdecks) Kuga: (hammering at the floor) UP! UP! TORPEDO! (The hatches open, and Ranma and Co. emerge, rubbing the sleep from their eyes.) Ukyo: *yawn* Whas happing? Kuga: (tersely) Get to the lifeboats. Now. Hurry! (He races off. The six stare at each other, and dash after him.) Ranma: Where is it? Ryoga: Over here! (He beckons from the aft deck. Amazingly, he's found the boat.) Genma: Everyone, quickly! (They clamber into the boat, and lower it into the water.) Akane: Why are we abandoning ship, again? (The torpedo strikes the Pride, and explodes with a thunderous roar, soaking the small boat with water. Ryoga manages to whip out his umbrella just in time.) Akane: (small voice) Oh. I guess that answers that. Ranma-chan: Who's attacking us? Didn't Kuga say something about a torpedo? Ukyo: Captain Kuga! Where is he? (The second torpedo strikes the Pride, blowing most of it to bits. It quickly sinks.) Akane: That poor man. And Felix! (Ranma and Ryoga brighten, and dance a little jig of grief.) Soun: Um, what's that? (he points towards a wake of foam approaching the lifeboat) Genma-panda: (via sign) "TORPEDO!" (They stare numbly as the torpedo approaches. Ryoga begins to hurl his headbands at it, but they miss or bounce off. Ranma throws herself over Akane, in a futile attempt to shield her from the inevitable blast.) Soun: (sobbing) Poor Kasumi and Nabiki.... Genma: (via sign) "Poor WHO?" Ukyo: (pointing) Wait! What's that? (A dark shape just below the waterline swims alongside the torpedo, gradually nudging it out of the path of the lifeboat. A collective sight of relief is heard as the torpedo passes them.) Akane: (still covered by Ranma) Ahem. Ranma: (getting off her) Um. Sorry. Believe me, it was just as unpleasant for me as it was for you. Akane: (furious) Why you..... (She mallets him through the air and into the water.) Ranma: (sputtering) Macho, violent..... Ukyo: What was that? A dolphin? (The shape breaks the surface of the water. The triangular fin identifies it fairly easily.) Ryoga: (bitterly) We should be so lucky. (The shark makes a beeline for the floundering Ranma.) Ukyo: Ranchan! Look out! (Ranma, still slightly dazed, begins to turn.) Akane: (aghast) What have I done? Ranma! END OF EPISODE 6 EPISODE 7 - China Beach (We zoom in on the lifeboat. Ranma-chan is floundering in the water a few feet away, her eyes trying to focus on the rather large shark bearing down on her.) Genma-panda: (via sign) My poor son! How am I going to explain this to Nodoka? Soun: (crying) Who'll take over the dojo now? Ranma: (finally focusing on the shark) Oh shit...... (He awkwardly tries to come into a fighting position. The shark shoots forward like a torpedo, and suddenly dives when it is only a few feet away from him.) Ranma: (panicked) Huh? Where is it? Akane: (covering her face) I can't watch! (The shark erupts from beneath the water, right under Ranma. But instead of catching him in its jaws, it comes up between his legs and begins to carry him towards the lifeboat.) Ryoga: What's it doing with him? Akane: (looks up) Is he....huh? (The shark carries the still dazed Ranma over to the side of the lifeboat, and then dives. Everyone hurriedly pulls him into the boat.) Ukyo: Oh Ranchan! You're safe! (She throws her arms around him. Akane's expression darkens, but she is too shaken and relieved to comment.) Ranma: (uncomfortably) Um, thanks Ucchan, uh, excuse me.... (He slowly disentangles himself) Ryoga: I was always under the impression that standard procedure for sharks that find struggling humans was to eat them. Ranma: Yeah, I don't think sharks normally play lifeguard. Not that I'm complaining. (The shark surfaces in front of the lifeboat.) Ukyo: (darkly) Maybe it just wanted all of its snacks in one place. Ryoga: It isn't getting me without a fight! Ranma: (sarcastically) Boy, that water looks cold....wish we had P-chan here. That thing might leave us alone if we tossed it some bacon. Akane: Don't talk that way about P-chan! (The shark is staring at them with a rather impatient look.) Soun: It seems to be waiting for us to do something. Ukyo: (exasperated) Do what? Feed it? Talk to it? Sing to it? Ranma: Hey! You throw me to the sharks without a second thought, and then you get upset when I suggest tossing that waddling little potential sausage to it? Akane: (not sure whether to be sorry or angry) How was I supposed to know there were sharks around? Ryoga: It's coming closer... Ranma: Don't you know anything about the ocean? A ship gets blown to bits, of course there are gonna be sharks! Trust a tomboy like you to... Soun: (breaking in) Not in front of the shark, children. (The shark latches on to the bow of the lifeboat with its teeth.) Ryoga: (gulps) It's going to eat the boat! We're done for! (The shark begins to swim backwards, pulling the boat along with it.) Akane: (puzzled) What is it _doing_? Ukyo: It's probably taking us home to meet mother. (The shark stops pulling, and goes limp for a second, as if resting.) Ranma: This is not your normal, everyday huge killer shark. Ryoga: What I wouldn't give for a harpoon. (The shark gives a very human glare at Ryoga.) Ukyo: Call me crazy, or strange, but I think it understood what you just said. Soun: Crazy. Genma: (via sign) "Strange." Ranma: I think she's right.... Akane: (skeptical) How could it understand us? It's just a dumb animal. Ranma: Akane, how many times has P-chan gone after me when I've insulted him? Akane: (faltering) Okay, but P-chan's different from most animals... Ranma: (grinning) You don't know the half of it. (Ryoga elbows him.) Akane: ...and he's probably set off more by your tone than anything else. Besides, Ranma, you could irritate a brick wall. Ranma: You would know, being built like one. Akane: (blue aura on) Why you stupid, pigheaded... Ranma: No, that's Ryoga. Akane: Leave Ryoga out of this! HE would never say that kind of thing to me! (A look of bliss spreads over Ryoga's face.) Ranma: (angry) So you like Ryoga, is that it? That directionally- challenged idiot? Ryoga: (snapping out of blissful state) What did you call me! Akane: (Icily) What exactly are you implying? (Soun and Genma give each other despairing looks.) Soun: (on the verge of tears) Unending weeks in a lifeboat with this....I must have died and gone to Hell. Yes, that's the only sensible explanation. (He bursts into tears. Genma looks at him sympathetically, and pats him on the back.) Genma: (via sign) "At least the shark's quiet." (Scene changes to the bridge of the Searose. Kodachi, Shampoo, and Sasuke have just finished extinguishing the control panel fire.) Sasuke: That should do it, Mistress-Captain Kuno. We've lost a few minor things like steering and dive control and speed, but other than that we're fine. Shampoo: Ranma! Did torpedos hit? (Kodachi rushs over to the periscope, and peers through it for a while.) Kodachi: The ship seems to have sunk, but I see a lifeboat out there. There's a flash of red that looks like that shirt he's always wearing. (she shivers) I just love that shirt.... Shampoo: Did we get hussys? Kodachi: I can't tell....the boat's too far away. We can always hope. But the important thing is, we've succeeded. Shampoo: (puzzled) What you mean, Ko-chan? Kodachi: They'll never make it to China in that lifeboat fast enough to get the cure to Nabiki. She'll die a nice, painful death, and we'll have our revenge. Shampoo: (grinning) When you right, you right. I kill those bimbos anytime I want, but Nabiki is special case. Cannot defeat her in power mode, no honor in killing her when she her pathetic, moneygrubbing self. Kodachi: Good. We _have_ to go on these little outings more often. Mr. Sasuke, bring the ship about and return to Tokyo. Sasuke: The engine room is sending someone up to see about the controls. Until then, we'll just have to wait. Kodachi: (pleasantly) Tell the engine room that we will get underway in ten minutes. Or I will have a, (significant pause) chat with them. Sasuke: (pale) Yes, Mistress-Captain Kuno! Kodachi: (to shampoo) Men. You've just got to learn how to train them. Crewman: Captain, the guard at the hatch is calling. Should I put it on speakers? Kodachi: Go ahead. (Crewman flips a switch) Guard: (over speakers) ...You'd better tell the psycho serving as captain to get down here... (Everyone on the bridge makes sure to look at something other than Kodachi.) Kodachi: (frigid tone) The "psycho" is receiving you loud and clear. What seems to be the matter, _dear_? Guard: *gulp* Ah, captain, haha, um, I, well, just a joke, you know... Kodachi: (thinly) Quite amusing. Now, you were saying? Guard: Uh, something's chewing through the hatch. Everyone: WHAT? Guard: I can hear the gnawing, and the metal's beginning to give way... Kodachi: Sasuke! Surface the ship! Sasuke: Engine room's working on it now, Mist- Guard: It's coming through! It's...oh, kawaii! What a cute little kitty! Here kittAARRGGGGUUUUGGGHHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT AGGUUUUHHGHGHHBHB...... (Static pours from the speakers. Everyone exchanges uneasy glances.) Kodachi: (hesitantly) Hello, hatch station? Come in? Hello? (Static.) Shampoo: (furrowing her brow) He say "Kitty"? That perhaps Japanese slang term for "Huge death-dealing horror from watery hell at bottom of sea"? Kodachi: Not to my knowledge. Crewman: Report from the forward wardroom, Captain! Kodachi: (snapping) On speakers! Wardroom: (over speakers) ...can't hold it! My God, it got Kari! The cat! It bit his head clean....(crashing noise, screams in the background)....Bullets won't stop it! Bullets won't stop it! Kodachi: Excuse me. Is this a cat you're talking about? Four legs, size of a breadbox? Frequently domesticated by humans, and kept as pets? Wardroom: That may be what it looks like, kind of kawaii actually, but its (meowling noise is heard in background) AYUGGGGAAAAUUGGHHHH!!!GET AWAY! GET AW...(static) Shampoo: Silly men, scared of tiny Mao. Come, Ko-chan, we go beat silly kitty into a pulp. Kodachi: (dubiously) Dear, are you sure this is a good idea? Shampoo: It just a little kitty! How much trouble it make? Crewman: Captain, the men in the forward companionway report that grenades only seem to make it mad, and are requesting that we send down a rocket launcher Kodachi: (grimly) Come on, then. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Shampoo: Forget skinning, just chop cat into little cat bits. (Scene changes to the lifeboat. The shark has a lasso-like rope attached above it's fins, and is tugging the boat along at a rapid pace. Soun and Genma sit in the back of the boat, playing Shogi on a crudely marked board with driftwood pieces. Everyone else seems to be locked in permanent facefault mode, staring at the shark.) Ranma: This is _not_ normal. I'm fairly sure that most sharks can't tie square knots. Ryoga: (somberly) This bodes ill. Cats that act like rabid wolverines, sharks that rescue humans and are highly proficient in the proper use of ropes....a great evil is undoubtably afoot. Ukyo: You would rather the shark ate us? C'mon, Ryoga, cheer up. We're almost to dry land! (she gestures at a rapidly approaching coastline) With any luck, that might be this Varaiyah place. Ryoga: Maybe. But I still think that it's not eating us is all part of an elaborate plot to lure us to our deaths. Ukyo: (kindly) Ryoga, what color is the sky in your world? Akane: Well, I think its very nice of it to give us a lift like this. It almost makes you wonder if sharks might normally be nice, peace-loving, gentle creatures. Ranma: Akane, nature builts things for a purpose. What purpose do you think a lightning-fast behemoth with a mouthful of razor sharp teeth was designed for, flower arraigning? Akane: The one out there certainly seems helpful enough. Ranma: Yeah, well, I've got an idea about that one....Ucchan, is there anything left to eat? Ukyo: Depends. How do you feel about seaweed? Ranma: Fine. Love it. Ukyo: Good, cause that's all that's left. Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome finished off the other rations while you and Ryoga were having your little discussion. (Ranma glares at Genma, who pointedly ignores him.) Ukyo: Anyway, here's your share. (She hands him a rope of greenish-yellow seaweed. The word "putrid" comes to mind upon viewing it.) Ranma: (dismayed) What's this!? Ukyo: Seaweed. Ranma: (anguished) You got this out of the ocean, didn't you! Akane: (snidely) That's where seaweed comes from, Ranma. (Ukyo smiles at that.) Ranma: Suddenly I'm not really hungry anymore. (Scene changes to a corridor on the Searose. Kodachi and Shampoo, their clothing shredded [No, you Hentai, not _that_ shredded.], are running frantically down it. Blood is streaming from several nasty cuts and gashes, and they have a look of panic to them.) Shampoo: Keep running, Ko-chan, it right behind us!!! Kodachi: (dazed tone) The cat....it can't be a cat. A devil from hell stalks this ship! Shampoo: Cat, devil, who care! It bite Bonbori in half, then eat it! (A snarling meow is heard behind them, along with some screaming.) Kodachi: (glancing back) It stopped to gnaw on the cook. Turn left at the next passageway. Shampoo: Where we go? Kodachi: Lifeboat. I hate to abandon ship, but I'm not, repeat, NOT going to take on that fuzzy little horror again. Shampoo: Kind of kawaii, actually... (Sasuke dashes out of a side hall.) Sasuke: Mistress Kuno! Thank God you're okay! Someone said the cat ate you! Kodachi: That's ridiculous. Have the man diciplined. Sasuke: Um, I can't, Mistress. The cat ate him. Kodachi: (shaken) Oh. We'll let him off with a warning, then. Shampoo: Is lifeboat much further? Sasuke: You're heading for the lifeboat? Kodachi: (rolling her eyes) Yes, I know, death before dishonor, down with the ship.... Sasuke: Ah, haha, no, but I think...I mean....well, there's something you should know, Mistress Kuno... Shampoo: Cut to chase, stupid man. Sasuke: We forgot to install the lifeboat. Sorry. Kodachi: (screaming) YOU WHAT!!!!!!! Shampoo: (shrill) We stuck on submerged sub with stupid men and cat-devil? With no way out? Sasuke: I suppose this is a bad moment to discuss my salary? Kodachi: Okay. Let's not panic. (A hideous gurgling scream is heard behind them.) Kodachi: Well, okay, panic. But let's be orderly about it. Head for the bridge. We'll lock the door and train a flamethrower on it. Shampoo: You really think that work, Ko-chan? Kodachi: Not really. But unless you have a better idea... Sasuke: (glancing back) Oh dear. Here it comes again. (Scene changes to a beach surrounded by a forest. The lifeboat has been pulled up on the shore, and Ranma and Co. are sitting around a campfire made of driftwood and branches. We can see the shark just offshore, looking anxiously at the group.) Ranma: Is the hot water ready? Ukyo: One second, Ranchan. Be patient. Akane: That'll be the day. Ranma: Oh sure, and you're a model of...(with unusual restraint, he stops.) Ukyo: (slightly concered) Is something wrong, Ranchan? You seem a bit jumpy. Ranma: There's something familiar about this place... Ryoga: You feel it too? I'm sure I've been here before, but I can't quite place it. Genma: (via sign) "It's just a beach." Ranma: Maybe. Still, I have this feeling.... (He exchanges a glance with Ryoga, and then makes a slight gesture towards Akane. Ryoga nods, catching his meaning, and moves between her and the forest.) Ukyo: Water's done. (She pours a bit on Ranma, and then some on Genma. Ranma stops her before she can pour all of it, though.) Ranma: Hold on a sec, Ucchan. I need your help with something. Ukyo: (pleased) With what? Ranma: Help me drag the shark up onto the beach. (Ukyo stares at him.) Ranma: Okay? Ukyo: (measured tones) Ranma, I don't think the shark would like that. It might get upset. Do we really want to make something with that set of jaws mad? Ranma: Trust me, Ucchan, it won't be upset. I know what I'm doing. Ukyo: It's an awfully big shark.... (Ranma bats his eyes at her for a second.) Ukyo: (relenting) Well....okay. But be careful. (They wade into the surf. Ranma changes back.) Ranma-chan: Damn! Should have thought of that before... (The shark swims over, in a friendly manner. Ukyo and Ranma bend down, hesitantly grab it on each side, and begin to haul it onto the shore. The shark seems to be having trouble breathing, but is not resisting. They pull it up onto the beach.) Ranma: Now to test my theory. (He grabs the cup of hot water and pours a bit on the shark. Steam hisses up, and he suddenly finds himself facing Shinshiro Kuga. Facefaults all around.) Ranma: (pleased) I knew it! Kuga: (slightly embarrassed) Um...anyone have a blanket, or a big leaf, or...? (Ukyo, her eyes averted, gets a blanket from the lifeboat and tosses it to him.) Kuga: Thanks, girl. Akane: I take it you've been to Jusenkyo? Kuga: Yes, in my youth. I was guiding a group of smugg...er, independant businessmen through the area. We stopped to rest, I decided to take a bath, and had the #&%$@# fortune of choosing Spring of Drowned Shark. Genma: (skeptical) How can a shark drown? Kuga: (confused) Y'know, that never occured to me... Soun: What was a shark doing at a inland training ground in the first place? Kuga: Hey! I just fall in 'em, I don't make 'em up. Anyway, the Guide fished me out after some coaxing, and changed me back. I kept away from water after that, but....well, after a few years of living with the curse you begin to get these feelings.... Ranma and Genma: Feelings? Kuga: (shrugs) I just had to go to sea. I think I would have gone mad if I had stayed on dry land. (The two exchange nervous looks.) Akane: Well, thanks for pulling us to shore. Kuga: (shrugs) You hired me to bring you to Varaiyah, and that's what I did. Ranma: That's where we are? Varaiyah? Kuga: Yep. The castle of the Warlord should be only a few miles to the west. Soun: Wonderful! Surely this Warlord person would know where this Temerrit herb grows, wouldn't he? Kuga: Probably, but I don't think you want to ask him.. Soun: Nonsence! I'm sure he'll understand....my darling girls....(fresh spate of tears) Ukyo: (to Akane) Has he ever considered getting professional help? Kuga: Go if you want, but I'm staying here with the boat. Maybe I can rig a sail or something... Genma: I'll help you. Good luck, son. Hope you find the herb. (Soun stops crying long enough to whack Genma over the head with a branch.) Ranma: (firmly) Come on, old man. Genma: (whining) But... (Soun glares at him. If looks could kill, Genma would have to be carried home in a basket.) Genma: (grumbling) Okay... Akane: Wait a minute. Where's Ryoga? Ukyo: I saw him wander off into the forest. I think he had to, uh, you know... Ranma: Great. He's probably in Tibet by now. Akane: Should we wait for him? Soun: There's no time. We have to get that herb back to Japan before....(sobs) Ukyo: (to Akane) I know a really good psychiatrist who specializes in obsessions and emotional disorders, he could probably do wonders for the poor guy... Ranma: Well, no sense in just standing here. Let's go! Genma: *moan* (Scene changes to the middle of a forest. Ryoga, lost, is wandering aimlessly.) Ryoga: Let's see...moss always grows facing the southeast....or was it southwest.... I knew I shouldn't have gone out for sight of camp! It must be all Ranma's fault! (He hears the sound of conversation up ahead.) Ryoga: (overjoyed) At last! AKANE! OVER HERE! (Four men wearing ancient Chinese armor emerge from the forest.) Warrior: What's that nois....YOU! Ryoga: YOU! Damn, I thought this place looked familiar.... Warrior: Take the blaspheming dog! (The four each pull a tea leaf from a pouch, swallow it, and charge. Ryoga grimly draws his umbrella and waits. Scene changes to Ranma and Co. making their way up a mountainside. A steep mountainside.) Genma: (panting) Can't we stop for a bit? A short rest, maybe a snack or two to renew our strength? Soun: (also panting) Shut up and climb, Saotome. Ranma: A few miles, Kuga said. Forgot to mention that it was a few miles straight up! (They crest the top of the mountain, and stop dead. Situated atop a peak to the south is a titanic fortress of greenish stone. A bridge connects their peak to the fortresses, providing the only means of enterance.) Ukyo: That must be the place, unless private homes are a lot fancier over here. (Ranma is staring at the fortress in shock.) Akane: Ranma; the dream again? Ranma: (dazedly) Yeah, it just came true. That's the castle I saw in my dream. There's a hall inside, with a figure seated atop a great throne.... Soun: That's nice, Ranma. Come on, let's find this Warlord fellow. (They cross over the swaying, precarious brid