Leifker presents... Reflections A Please Save My Earth work of fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker PSME created by Saki Hiwatari. All rights reserved. I ask that you not do anything with any part of this fanfic without permission. If you want to, ask. I'm not unreasonable... usually. ^_^ Anyway, on with the show... *** I dreamed a dream. Only once, a single, solitary dream. I dreamed of Shion holding me as we watched the Earth from space. He listened as I spoke to him of my dream, his strong arms comforting me with his warmth. A single dream, and I'm left with so much to wonder. I haven't dreamed since them. I wish I could, believe me, then maybe I could make sense of all this. But the dreams haven't returned, so I'm left to question. Am I really this 'Mokuren' they speak of? I... if my life didn't raise so many questions, I'd just call it a fluke dream. I mean... for some reason, animals seem to be attracted to me. And the plants... I can feel when they're happy or sad. I can feel it - all of it - and it scares me. It scares me that this might start to make sense, but in such a senseless way. I don't want to be like this; I wish I could just be some ordinary girl with ordinary dreams. Let the questions die away; let this soul within me rest. But they won't rest. It's not just questions; it's a calling. It's being given both the question and the answer, and trying to find out how they're related. This is all pointing somewhere, and I don't want to see which way it's pointed. Because, if I see, I might mind myself staring back. And where would that lead? To Rin? Jinpachi? Or to Shion, wherever he is? What will become of us once all of us are together? Who will I be? *** Have you ever noticed how adults tend to forget their childhood? It's as though once they reach that point, it's okay to forget the struggle that got them to that point. They try to put behind them the pain and agony of a body adjusting to the world, and forget that some people are still going through it. Adults may say they treat children kindly, but they fail to realize that nature treats us most cruelly. I'm seven years old. I'm an adult in a child's body, and I hate it. Alice is here. She lives next door; I can hear her voice from my bed. I try to play my games, try to get her to notice me... but I know it's all a game to her. She can't see Shion, can't see the man I am... all she sees is a child, a remarkable child, but still a child. Do you know what it's like to be separated like that? She gives me affection, she loves like no one I've ever met... but it is the love like a mother to a child. Each hug hurts; each kiss only makes me wish for what I can't have. Damn Shokaido. I never thought I'd burn like this; every fiber of my being wants him to live in torment, just as I lived for so long. He deserves it; he took Mokuren with him in death, leaving me behind. Worse, he threatens to take Alice's heart - I saw how she looked at him, how he looks so much like I used to... damn him. Damn him! I've got so much time to catch up on... but time is the one thing I can never catch up. I steal my kisses, I twirl my ribbon... but I can never catch up. All I can do is manipulate the playing field, and hope for a Mokuren-made miracle. Time has flowed by - and I am left behind. *** I wish I knew what it was like to live. I suppose I won't; to be honest, I don't deserve to. I knew there wasn't enough. I knew that the moment I made the vaccine. I wanted Mokuren, and I wanted Shion out. Maybe it seemed a noble act, but deep inside, I knew. I knew. And now, so does Shion. The game is his; I'm merely a puppet. I hate it, hate what he's doing... but I have no choice. Shion wants me to suffer and, if I don't want those I love to follow, I must play along. This is penance. My greed did this; I will not hurt any more. My life is done; all I can do is make everyone else happy, though I doubt I can do even that. All that's left is for it to end. *** I love him. Sarjalim help me, I love him. I can feel the bond between us; beyond friends, beyond lovers, we're soulmates. We belong together. His eyes may be elsewhere, but... his heart is with me. I can feel him, even with my eyes closed. I love him, but I don't know if I can. Do you know what it's like to be so close to the one you love? To talk with him every day, to hear his dreams and passions, to taste every moment of his life, but never, ever share in him? I dream, more often than I care to admit. When my eyes are open, I'm Issei. By night, I'm Enju. I feel what she feels; I yearn for what she wants - what I'm not supposed to have. I can feel it, sometimes. He's so close, so unguarded... what's to stop us from taking it further? But that way... that way lies madness. Then as now, Mokuren has caught his eye; I'd be angry at her, if I knew she sought it. I.... I think I wanted this, then. I couldn't have him as a woman; at least as a man, I could have him as a friend. But... I want him. I *really* want him. I want to share my life with him - and relish as he shares his life, all his life, with me. What's going to happen to me? It's all happening again, just like before, and there's nothing I can do about it. I... I wonder what his lips taste like, but know I'll never know. I'll never know. *** Where did it all go wrong? It all seemed so innocent, once. I dreamed of a life with six others on the moon. My friend also dreamed of the same life, only from a different view. We were dreamers, seeing an idea life that seemed so different from what we know. Little did I know that reality would interfere. We met Mokuren; her magic still thrives, even if she can't see it. Hiiragi and Shusuran came soon after, largely unchanged from who they were. Things started to change once the kid came into the picture. He's no kid; regardless of what he may look like, he's more man than child. He's hurting Alice with his promise of marriage, I know it. She's trapped like an animal; trapped by her own guilt. She's so scared now that she doesn't want anything to do with us. Then... Issei. No way was that a joke. I'm willing to take Issei at his word for the moment; however, he's feeling it. I think we're all feeling it, but with Enju... it's a special case. I don't know what's going to happen to him... but it can't be good. Finally, Shion. He's definitely not what he seems; I've never known Shion to be that expressive. Of course, he's still got problems; he's hiding something, and it has something to do with the kid. We're a mess, now. Alice is afraid of her own shadow - literally. Shion and Shokaido have their own agendas. And Issei... the very thought scares me more than anything. Is he... is she... We are who we were - and the very idea is deatroying us. We are departed ghosts, too strong to die, and we're being punished for our sins. *** Nicholas Leifker nightelf@thekeep.org http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic July 20, 2000