"Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking but my smile still stays on." -- Queen, "The Show Must Go On" Leifker Presents... A Real Fanfic Writer A work of non-fiction by Nicholas Leifker All rights reserved. I ask that you not do anything with any part of this work without the author's permission. ************************************************************************ "Mackie looked down at herself, her brow etched with worry. She felt so inadequate for this job, so unprepared for the battle to come. In crises like these, Sylia always knew what to do, handling the problems with her typical style and grace. All she could do was guess, and hope for the best. Even the clothes she wore seemed wrong; Sylia would have dazzled them with some haute couture outfit, rather than look like a participant in the Mummer's Parade. To sum it up, the Knight Sabers didn't need Mackie Stingray right now; they needed a legend - and a miracle." I look over the passage one more time, trying to find... something, whatever little bit is in there that makes it sound so wrong. The first draft of the passage seemed too short and abbreviated; this one seems long-winded. I let the paper drop to the bed and prepare to pack up my writing. I know I'm not going to write any more tonight. ************************************************************************* Two years. Only two years ago, I was a burned-out, frustrated college student just learning about something called "anime". I've learned so much since then... including things I didn't want to know. I am stronger than I once was, but more frightened than I ever imagined. You see, I am a fanfic writer, one of many out there in the electronic wastes. Like a majority of them, I focus on Ranma, though I do not limit myself to only one title. I have ideas swimming in my head, ideas barely born in the world... but could someday be so vivid as to almost be tangible. Two years ago... I searched through the ol' Web, looking for any Ranma information I could find. Fate brought me to the fanfic guide... and my imagination did the rest. There, stored neatly in one archive, were some of the finest works of fanfiction available at the time, and I stormed in like a man possessed. Biles made me laugh, Palmer made me smile, but Benares did something far greater... he made me think. Spurred on by such writings, it was not long before I tried my hand at the craft. It is... when it is done right, it is very much like riding a horse. You are in control... but only to an extent. Oftentimes (and this is when it gets magical, people) the stories write themselves, with only your hand to follow the path it takes. It also takes some practice. My first idea was a bust; I didn't know enough about the character of Akari at the time to make it work. The second was a strange, artsy-fartsy idea. The first draft took only a week, but it was a couple of months before "Sunrise" was finally released. Things seemed to blur from there. From a whirlwind of writing on Easter Sunday to a month struggling over a Kodachi work, I weaved my tales, finding voice for my soul in the written word. No idea was too ridiculous (I once thought of "Circe Project" as such), nor any idea too ambitious. While my own youthful immortality was fading, my soul continued to fly on the edge, its love and sorrow like music in my mind. To my surprise, I found my own voice changing as I continued to speak. Honour took on new meaning as it saw life and death in the stories, as did love, happiness, and faith. Demons sprang up, faults of myself that I had to learn to overcome, making me stronger. From my madness and ego I learned humility; from a rival-to-friend's patience, I learned the value of the virtue; and from the many lives that form the ML, I learned tolerance, something my younger self would have sneered at. Then it all went wrong. Even months after, it's difficult to explain what happened, the darkness I went through that time. I thought I was staring at someone else... but found only a mirror there, a looking-glass into who I am. To put it bluntly, boys and girls, I have seen the future, and it scares the shit out of me. And, all through it, I had to carry a smile, and not let the screams out into the open. Still... while I have almost paralyzing fears, I have no regrets. I am who I am, and I can (and will) live with this. Now... for the moment, I am in limbo. I can't write exactly like I used to; the tears are lessened, but closer to the skin. I've become accustomed to writing by computer, so the pencil-and-paper method is notoriously slow unless I am _possessed_ by an idea. Finally, I am not quite who I was, and this is taking some getting used to. At least I know the man I am now. Not many can claim that. ************************************************************************* I look over at the clock, and frown. 12:30 AM. I prepare for bed, as my 8-to-6 job (with overtime ^_^ ) calls, and I value my sleep. Before I go, though, a strange impulse seizes me, bringing me to a stack of printouts. I look through it, searching for one in particular. Stuck in between "Bitter End" and "Putting Your Heart in the Right Place", I find words sung with hope, and innocence. "The young woman stood, katana at the ready, her body and mind in absolute focus as the sun began to set, its fire dancing off of her sword, shoulder-length brown hair, and black satin Mandarin-style outfit. Her adult features, hardened by life but lacking the decay of age, marked her in her mid-twenties, though the pain shadowed in her eyes suggested a much greater age. A small amount of that pain escaped as she and the small dummy before her became an instant blur." The first fanfic words I posted - the opening to "Sunrise". The work stays pure and raw in my mind, a beacon to show the beginning, and how far I've come since then. There have been good times so far, with people I consider myself honored to know and call friend, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world - including the rough times. They aren't over yet, I hope - not by a longshot. ************************************************************************* Nicholas Leifker stormwalker@airmail.net http://http.tamu.edu:8000/~nwl9354 July 10, 1997