-- Matthew Trotter -- Surreal World MMX ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- He rushed through the dense undergrowth and dove into the prickly looking brush to his left. It hurt like hell. Normally he would have avoided pain, but when there are fifty lunatics with spears, darts and magic returning sticks behind you, you look for a place no sane person would choose to hide in. Rincewind speculated that if he kept particularly still he would be able to remain in the bush indefinitely. That was obviously a bonus as the lunatics seemed to be searching the area carefully. They did seem to be avoiding the brush he was concealed in, he was trying not to determine if this might be a bad thing...he had quite enough bad things in the past few....well most of his life actually. He wasn't sure why these little buggers were so mad at him, but apparently they had some kind of grudge against potatoes[1]...he was glad he hadn't mentioned butter... Rincewind was just beginning to get the hang of not moving at all when he noticed that the brush around him was moving. This was probably not a good thing, so he carefully looked around to see which bit of him was doing the moving. The good news was it was not him moving. That was of course the bad news as well. The lunatics outside were yelling something about baked potatoes. Rincewind decided that there was no way he was going to be in the brush if it was going to start being sentient. That was far from being in a safe place, it was probably safer with the potato haters out side. The potato haters weren't even looking at the brush, which was good for Rincewind, as he had just jumped out of the brush. They were looking at a plain white door bearing the name Rincewind in large red letters, this was probably bad for Rincewind, who had noted long ago that doors hanging in thin air (or even thick air) are normally not the kind of place you are want to explore. Potato hater 1, "Mashed Potatoes!" Potato hater 2, "Chives!" Potato hater 3, "Sour Cream!" Rincewind tried, "Melted Butter?" The potato haters looked shocked, then the look changed to anger, then terror. Rincewind wasn't like normal heroes. In fact Rincewind had long ago taken every precaution to prevent becoming a hero. He doubted very much that the potato haters were looking at him in terror. It had to be something behind him. There was only one thing behind him, and that was the brush. It would have looked comical, the way the brush was perched on top of the creatures head, if the creature hadn't been forty feet high with teeth the size of an arm. Rincewind evaluated the situation, there was one great bloody beast, forty angry potato haters and a door to who knew where, with his name on it. No sane person would ever go for the door. -------- [1] Many of Disc World's most prominent linguists had noted that most languages are created to communicate basic needs or desires. Typically these languages evolved into something convoluted and rather pointless. When choosing new words for a language most races on the Disc choose inauspicious words from neiboring tribes and attach vile meanings to them. This makes intertribal relations quite exciting and helps promote wars to stimulate the economy. ----------------------------------------------- "Target one acquired, sir." "Excellent. Chagrin, how are the rest of the acquisitions proceeding?" "As planned, sir." "Zulveria, are the cameras operational?" "They are all active, and five and six are now tracking the wizard." "Roll the credits and start the intro." ----------------------------------------------- One-Year-Late Productions brings you A Rumormonger Press release of A Matthew Trotter Fanfic The Surreal World MMX Various Dimensionally Cross Linked Locations "See what happens when anime stops being nice and starts being surreal." ----------------------------------------------- Ataru sat at his desk and looked at the list. The list was a first for him. It was a list of all the things that could go wrong while Lum was away. Well, Ataru was only looking at volume six, but the thought was there. It appeared, if he'd read the list correctly, that everything in the world could go wrong. It was actually comforting to have that little to worry about.[1] Now he could begin to think about how to avoid some of the normal trouble. 1> Get an apartment. 2> Don't tell anyone I'm moving. 3> Get a job to pay for the apartment. Damn. Everything had been looking good until number three. It was just too much work. Why couldn't he get an apartment for free? "ATARU! MAIL!" -------- [1] Ataru's list of everything that could go wrong while Lum was there is available in a lovely forty volume collectors edition, for the low low price of $27.95. (per volume) ----------------------------------------------- Ranma walked slowly, no one was going to follow him after that last out burst. He could hardly believe that he had finally told off all his fiancees at once. They were all off his back. It felt good to be free. Well, there was this nagging voice telling him that he shouldn't have made Akane cry. But he could ignore that till he found somewhere else to live. Ranma spotted a public restroom, he wanted to take a look in a mirror and see if his face was as bruised up as it felt. It was much cooler in the restroom than outside, which was nice, but it had that bathroom smell. The smell of strong antiseptic that says, trust me, you don't want to know what odor I'm masking. As he looked in the mirror, Ranma wondered why he had bothered. Akane had booted him across Nermia without consequence before...why would he get a bruise today? Well, he did need to make a good impression on a new landlord...a movement caught Ranma's eye. There was a long haired man standing behind him in the mirror. His hair was an ashy blond and he wore blue jeans and a T-shirt. There was something suspicious about him[2], but Ranma couldn't pin it down. The man reached for him, and Ranma spun on heel. "Uh, could you hand me one of those paper towels please?" Ranma sometimes hated having cat like reflexes...you looked like you were permanently wired or something...Ranma reached up and pulled out a towel. There was an envelope stuck to it. The envelope bore his name. In big red letters. They were the kind of big red letters that said, "Hi, I'm the letter that will take you on a mystical quest to far away lands in search of adventure and excitement!" Ranma tossed the letter in the garbage. He needed an apartment, not an adventure. "Should I ask why you threw that letter away?" "No," Ranma pulled out another towel, it also had a letter with his name on it, this time it was written in smudged blue ink. It was the kind of ink that was used on letters that contained phrases like, "Amount due", "Late fee" and "No Refund". Ranma threw the letter in the garbage. He didn't even have an apartment yet, he didn't want a late rent fee... "Man, your landlords good." "I don't have a landlord." "Whoa, precog...remind me not to live where ever your going to." Ranma eyed the towel dispenser and decided to risk it, the next towel had a letter on it too, it was addressed to Trotter. Ranma looked at the man behind him, "You?" "Thanks," Trotter appeared to read the letter for a moment, "man, I'm getting a B in computer architecture next semester." "That's it, I'm leaving." After another ten minutes of aimless meandering Ranma decided he wanted to get an apartment somewhere nice. Maybe the ones he was walking next to, they were nice. He looked at the letter again, and decided to see what i..t....ha.d .. ..to...s...a.y...didn't he throw this letter away once already?[1] -------- [1] For those of you who are just joining us, yes, Ranma had thrown the letter away. But this isn't just any letter, its a cheap plot device, and as we all know, you can't escape the plot that easily. [2] Hi Mom! ----------------------------------------------- Congratulations! You have just won a free all expenses paid apartment! You will share it with seven other people. All repair, all remodeling, all apartment costs will be paid for you! Your only expense is food and transport! Come immediately to: 666 Demoncourt Dr. Take a left now, that means you. ----------------------------------------------- Ranma looked to the left. There was a big sign. It said: WELCOME RANMA SAOTOME AND ATARU MORIBOSHI Demoncourt Apartments 666 Demoncourt Drive "Wow! A big welcome sign and everything!" Ranma looked behind him. There was a big idiot. It said: "Hey your not Ranma are you? I'm Ataru!" "Do you know anything about this place?" "No . . . but its free!!! That means no job! And best of all no Lum!" "What...is a Lum?" "She thinks she's my wife." "You too?" "You have women troubles?" "Do I ever..." ----------------------------------------------- Rincewind pressed the button on the magic box and the vision changed. It showed a run down hallway. Into this ran a man and a dog. Behind them was an evil looking apparition. Rincewind pressed the button a few more times. Now the magic box showed what looked to be a beach filled with Amazon women in skimpy clothing. It seemed somehow familiar. The closet door opened and shut. Rincewind casually looked that direction as he dove over the couch for cover. There was a man and a dog. They looked vaguely familiar. "I think we lost it Scoob." "Ruh roh." "What's the problem....say Scoob, weren't we just in a creepy old house a few minutes ago?" "Rats right." "And now we're in a nice looking house with, ZOIKS! Look at that!" "Rabe Ratch!" "I didn't know they made bikinis that small!" Rincewind thought it over. A scruffy looking man and a big yellow dog. They came out of the closet. That was a strike against them. They did appear to be fleeing someone or something. That was a point in their favor. They were now engrossed in the magic box. Rincewind decided to risk a look. They were definitely the two from the magic box. That meant there was an evil apparition in the closet. The man looked at him. "ZOIKS!!!! Its a wizard Scoob! Lets beat it!" That was something Rincewind was more accustomed to. Most people said that when they saw him. Rincewind turned and ran for the terrace. He figured he could get out the door and over the fence before those two could get close. ----------------------------------------------- Shaggy knew trouble when he saw it. And he had long ago developed a highly efficient defense mechanism for dealing with trouble. He ran for the nearest exit. Scooby knew trouble when he saw it, or when Shaggy saw it, or when any one at all raised any kind of alarm at all. He had a good defense mechanism in a viscous snarl and big sodding teeth. Unfortunately it had never occurred to him that he could use his teeth for anything except eating, so he had adopted his masters preferred defense mechanism. Run like hell. Scooby threw himself bodily through the door, as Shaggy opened it. He got as far as the guy in a red shirt before skidding to a halt. Shaggy looked at the two guys in the doorway, they looked pretty normal. The guy in red looked kinda tough, he might actually want to fight the wizzard. Wait a minute....wizard only has z in it. That guys hat had two Z's. "Excuse me, is this the right apartment for the contest," asked red. "Contest?" "Ronrest?" "The all expenses paid apartment. Hey, who's the guy in the dress going out the back door," asked blue looking over reds shoulder. Shaggy looked behind him. The guy with 'wizzard' on his hat was rushing out the back door. Hmmmm...no his brain couldn't deal with the thought of a wizard not wanting to terrorize them. He needed a Scooby snack and a chance to think this over. ----------------------------------------------- The back door slammed shut. Ranma looked at Ataru. Ataru shrugged. The unkempt looking guy at the door waved them in. "Like, I don't know anything about any contest, but you can come in if you want. I gotta warn you, this place is weird." Ranma and Ataru shared the look of people who had lived in Nermia ward for more than, say, a minute and a half. "No problem. I'm Ranma and this is Ataru." Ataru waved. "Hi, I'm Shaggy and this is my dog Scooby Doo. We were about to raid the fridge, you guys want anything before its all gone?" Ataru smiled, "I hope we have a microwave...I can't cook." "Ricrorave?" "Like, my thoughts exactly Scoob, what's a microwave?" Ranma watched them go into the kitchen. So this was his new home. As the kitchen door shut a strange silence descended. It was the kind of silence with out angry shouts. Without midnight challenges. It was the silence of being alone. Ranma began to wonder if maybe he should have given Akane one more chance...then he thought of all the times he got beat up for "attacking" P-Chan. Ranma smiled, and wondered what was on TV. There was a flash of light from the back yard and the sound of distant gun fire. The back door slammed open and the guy in the robe and pointed hat ran back in. He looked a somewhat cinged, and was smoking just a bit. He slammed the door and looked at Ranma. "Smurfs! There are militant Smurfs on the terrace!" OK, that didn't seem normal...in fact, it did stray towards the weird side of things. Still he wasn't engaged to any of the Smurfs, so that seemed OK. He decided to try acting like there was nothing wrong. "Hi, I'm Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts." "The Anything Goes School? Aren't they the ones cursed with the fate of the fighting fiancees?" Ranma opened his mouth to deny that, then he thought about it, "Probably." The man in the robe eyed him suspiciously, then looked at the fish tank on the table behind the couch, "oh bugger." "What?" "Snorks."[1] This was getting out of hand. Who ever this guy was...Ranma's train of thought derailed as the front door opened. There were two women standing in the door. One was average height, with red hair and a tight spandex riding suit. The other was short, with red hair a pink heart shirt and RED shoes. The shoes were blindingly red. If you looked up red in a dictionary there would have been a picture of these shoes. "So this is the dump they're putting us up in," suit. "What," asked shoes looking around, "I'm not supposed to be here, I was just talking..." Suit shrugged, "Whatever," she looked at Ranma, "Hi, I'm Priss. You living here too?" -------- [1] Unbeknownst to Ranma, but beknownst to Rincewind, is the fact that Smurfs and Snorks have been at war for generations. They have been bitter rivals since the great rating wars in the 80s. The Smurfs are by far more bitter than the Snorks, but they go great with white wine.[2] [2] At least according to the evil wizards hand book, chapter 3, page 35. ----------------------------------------------- [Ranma] Yeah. I'm Ranma Saotome, and this is... [Rincewind] Oh, me? I'm nobody, forget you ever saw me. [Priss] This is Emotion. [Ataru] Pretty lady!!! ----------------------------------------------- Akane snapped the TV off. "Hey, I was watching that." Akane glared at Nabiki. So did Ukyo. And Shampoo. And Kodachi. Akane was almost shaking with rage. After making some big speech about needing freedom from all of his fiancees Ranma would go out and get a job on some pervert TV show. ----------------------------------------------- Lum snapped the TV off. "Hey, I was watching that." Lum glared at Ten. She was gone for one day and her Darling was already on some pervert TV show...WITH OTHER WOMEN!!!!!!!! Darling was going to PAY!!! ----------------------------------------------- Nene tried to stop laughing, "Lina! Lina, come here you have to see the place Priss is staying in now!" Lina rushed into the room trying to balance a large bowl of popcorn and two drinks, she got one good look at the scene on the TV and lost it. ----------------------------------------------- The Chancellor looked at the magic viewing portal and then at the arrayed faculty, "This is where that Rincewind chap went to?" "Apparently, Chancellor." "Do you think we can call him back with Vengor's Viscous Call?" "I think so, sir." "Good. He looks just the part to deal with this dragon problem we're having." ----------------------------------------------- Velma snapped off the TV. "Hey, I was watching that." Velma glared at Dafney. So did Fred. "Well, I was..." "Fred, what are we going to do with a van load of Scooby snacks?" "I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're going to find that punk Hippie and Ram them down his throat." "Ooooo Fred, I like the way you said Ram." "Shut Up Dafney." ----------------------------------------------- "Sarcasm..." "Yes, Fellowship." "Did that look like Emotion on the TV just now?" "Lets examine the facts. The girl on TV looks just like Emotion, sounds just like Emotion and has the same name as Emotion. I'm gonna have to say no. No, I think its just a coincidence." ----------------------------------------------- Tune in next week for more of the Surreal World: MCXIIIV Various Dimensionally Cross Linked Locations. [Rincewind] Damn dragon. [Shaggy] Damn Smurfs. [Scooby] Ramn rorks. [Ataru] Damn Lum. [Ranma] Damn fiancees. Next on the Ten Spot Road Rules visits the Hidden fortress of Vega an international criminal and master of the dark psycho power... This fic is for White Wolf, I hope its what you wanted... -MJT This revisions for Foxtrot, thanks for the advice... -MJT