Helpless Dancer

A Magic Knight Rayearth fanfic

By Sean Gaffney

All characters are (C) 1999 by CLAMP and all of their subsidiaries.  Luckily, 
this isn't a lemon, so probably shouldn't irritate them as much, I hope.

NOTE:  I make no attempt to write an accent for Caldina.  Assume she has one.  
I refuse to do 'Brooklyn' or 'Valley Girl' to deal with Osaka accents when I 
don't have to.

NOTE 2:  This takes place between Books 1-3 and 2-1 of the manga (in anime 
terms, between episodes 20 and 21).  There are spoilers for the end of the 
first part and beginning of the second.  Be warned.  This mean you, Richard. 
^_^


     We all had our reasons, in the end.  Despite what some people are saying, 
it wasn't that we were brought over to the side of darkness, or that our minds 
were contaminated to do Zagato's evil work.  Well, not all of us.  But no, 
each of us had a very definite reason for why we chose to serve Lord Zagato.
     Alcione did it for love, and in the end was betrayed by that love.  But 
her motivation was pure.  She loved her lord, and felt that if she did enough 
for him he would abandon Emeraude and turn to her.  She may have been stupid, 
but her reasons were pure, at least.
     Ascot was probably the most noble.  He did it to save his friends, who 
were being shunned and destroyed by the people of Cephiro.  Lafarga and I made 
sure that everyone knew of his true reasons.  He came out of all this the 
best.
     Speaking of Lafarga, how can you question his motives?  He was the 
bodyguard of the Princess, and followed her to the end.  Even after Zagato had 
to mentally control him, his love for Cephiro and Princess Emeraude shone 
through in the end, allowing him to break free and help the Magic Knights.  
Like Ascot, the people are now seeing him as one of the heroes of the war.
     And me?  My pure, noble motivations?
     I did it for money, of course.

***

     I sat by a window in the castle, watching another monster wreaking havoc 
on Cephiro's landscape.  Not that the landscape amounts to much anymore.  It 
looks like a gigantic quarry out there now, all the forests and streams dead 
and gone.  The monster rears his head and bellows.  Probably annoyed that it 
got here too late to do any real damage.
     I turned as the door opened.  It was Lantis, Zagato's brother.  He showed 
up shortly after Emeraude died, helping to reinforce the castle to survive the 
earthquakes and firestorms, and bringing in refugees from the far reaches.  
I'd like to say he did it because of a need to atone for what his brother had 
done, but I've no idea really.  He treats me with cold disdain, the same as he 
treats everyone else.  Quite reasonable of him, really.  He doesn't play 
favorites, he hates everyone equally.
     Knowing he would simply stand there until I acknowledged him, I broke the 
ice.  "Yes?"  A few weeks ago, I would have teased Lantis unmercifully, trying 
to draw a reaction out of him, make him angry.  These days I just don't feel 
up to it.
     He spoke using that voice that was so similar to his brother's, it sent 
shivers up my spine.  "I am trying to make sure that all my brother's affairs 
are taken care of.  Since we could not recover his body, we will be having a 
short service for him tomorrow."
     I was a bit surprised.  I would have thought myself one of the last 
people that Lantis would invite to a funeral.  Still, it must have taken some 
effort for him to do this, the least I could do in return was be polite.
     "Thank you for inviting me.  I would be honoured to attend."
     His eyes narrowed.  "You are not invited."  This threw me; then what was 
he here for?
     He reached into his clothing and pulled out a small packet.  "I have come 
to understand that my brother promised you payment for serving him.  I offer 
you this sum, so that I may clear his debts."
     For a few seconds I couldn't move.  I cannot believe that even Lantis 
would have the effrontery to do something like this.
     He must have seen my shocked expression.  "Please, take your blood 
money," he said, his expression hardening.
     I was able to move then, to turn away from him.  "Get out, please."  He 
may show no politeness or kindness, but I'm damned if I would follow his 
example.
     "I will."  He turned and moved to the door.  But he couldn't resist one 
last jab.
     "Take your own advice, Caldina.  Get out.  This world does not need you."
     Then he left me alone.
     I went back to the window and stared out of it, trying to calm myself.  I 
had been angry so much lately.  Angry, scared, lonely.  I wondered if this is 
what everyone would be like in Cephiro now?  Selfish, only thinking of 
themselves.  The way I had been.  The way I still was, for the most part.
     I almost laughed.  Everyone else was finally learning to think only of 
themselves, just as I was learning what compassion meant.
     Comapssion.  Compassion and love.  Something lacking on my home planet.  
Despite Lantis' words, I felt no desire to return there.  Even before I had 
come to Cephiro, it was only a place to live, not a home.
     Comapssion and love.  Why did I keep coming back to those words?  
Emeraude loved Cephiro, then she loved Zagato.  So it couldn't just be love.  
Love had led to Cephiro's destruction.
     Alcione loved Zagato as well.  Ascot loved his friends.  The Magic 
Knights seemed to love everyone and everything.
     What place did I have here?  Lantis was right, I should just go.

***

     The last thing I needed just walked into my room.  I wanted to pack 
quietly and go, but he arrived just as I was shoveling the last of my 
possessions into a suitcase.
     "Caldina."
     We came together for reasons that seemed perfectly sensible to me at the 
time.