LOVE, PAIN, MARY-SUES, AND THE WHOLE DAMN THING

by Sean Gaffney


The characters of Urusei Yatsura are (C) Rumiko Takahashi.  Mie, the 
Sagussans, and all that lot are (C) Fred Herriot and Mike Smith.  The 
characters of Mobile Battleship Nadesico are (C) Kia Asamiya/YOUMEX.
Carl is, to my knowledge at least, original.  Sean you can probably guess.

This is really hardcore self-insert in every way.  Sean gets cool powers, 
*eight* girls who fall in love with him, and is really cool and says all the 
right things.  That's why this will probably never be released.  I'd never 
live it down.


	When Sean first woke, or at least came to awareness, his thoughts were 
very blunt and direct.
	"Fuck, I *hurt*!"
	His next thought was to try and find out exactly how he hurt, but 
unfortunately, he didn't seem to be able to open his eyes.  Then he realised 
that they were open, he just couldn't see.  Or hear.  In fact, for all he 
knew, he might still be asleep.
	No, there was pain.  He felt that.  A dull ache that ran through his 
entire body, combined with individual sectors of stabbing agony.  So either he 
was awake, or this was a far more vivid nightmare than he'd ever had before.
	He decided to try taking this one step at a time, and start with turning 
over.  This was where the pain would come in handy.  He could use it to 
identify the various parts of his body and see where they were located.
	Unfortunately, the pain wasn't cooperating.  Just when he thought he had 
all the twinges and thuds accounted for, there would be a new one somewhere 
totally new, nureeking where it should hernunger.  So mostly what he did was 
focus on how much he hurt.
	Finally, after what seemed an eternity, the pain started to ebb.  
Unfortunately, he didn't seem to be any closer to moving.  This was beginning 
to get really irritating.  After experimenting with various other ways, he 
finally decided to concentrate on WILLING himself to move through sheer 
stubbornness.
	Amazingly enough, this seemed to work.  He began to sense his body 
moving in some way, if not actually against a surface of some kind.  *What, 
have I been floating in midair,* he thought sarcastically, and then realised 
it was entirely possible.
     Having realised his grand ambitions of moving, he began to concentrate on 
his other senses, such as smell and hearing.  He decided to leave sight alone 
for the time being, hoping it would sneak up and 'visionise' him when he least 
expected it.
     In what seemed to him like an hour or so, he managed to get his smell 
back.  He could smell himself.  It smelled like he hadn't bathed in days, and 
he appeared to be covered in some sort of machine oil.  *Great, I get my smell 
back, and I smell *foul*.  My kingdom for a shower!*
     Then he heard something.  Or at least thought he did, he wasn't sure if 
he was imagining things now.  But in any case, he willed his body closer 
towards where he thought the sound had emanated from, figuring that even if he 
had imagined it it couldn't hurt.  Not that he could tell where he was going, 
as he still couldn't see.
	This comedy of errors went on for quite some time, until finally Sean 
was able to make out with a fair degree of certainty where he was.
	In a black void.
	*How trite,* Sean thought to himself.  But he couldn't deny, that's what 
it was.  He now could see himself, and was able to identify the source of the 
pain - cuts and bruises.  He appeared to be one big purple blotch, and there 
were several minor but annoying cuts on his arms, legs, and chest.  Being 
someone who generally reacted very poorly to pain, he was thus keeping up a 
running monologue of bitching.
	"Ow.  Shit, I hurt.  Damn, what happened to me?  Ow.  Shit.  Ow!"
	You get the idea.
	Fianlly, he managed to track down the source of the noise.  It was a 
tape player.  Sitting in the middle of the black void, a small boombox was 
pounding out some unknown techno beat.  That made Sean raise an eyebrow.
	There was a note attached to the player.  It read SEAN - WHEN YOU FIND 
THIS, FOLLOW THE LIGHT UNTIL YOU GET TO ME.  CTGO.
	Sean looked up, and indeed, off in the distance, there was a faint, 
greyish light.  This made him raise the other eyebrow.
	"Right!" he suddenly said aloud.  "A destination!  Off we go, to find 
food, some bandages, and a way out of this place!  ~In the dark, where all the 
fevers grow, under the water, where the shark bubbles blow...~"
	So singing, he began to walk towards the light.

***

	About a day or so later (or so Sean thought, he was measuring time by 
singing Zappa, and had nearly run all the way to 1979, and he wasn't getting 
hungry or tired), Sean began to realise that this was a big exercise in 
futility.  The light was absolutely no closer, and he was getting very 
frustrated.
	*Wish I could fly,* he thought wryly to himself, and then remembered how 
he had regained his senses.  *Hey, maybe this is a cool world like Cephiro 
where my will controls everything.  I betcha if I thought about it, I could 
easily zip to that light in no time.*
	With that in mind, he confidently got into a leaping position, 
concentrated very hard on staying in the air, and leapt.
	*Ow.*

***

	About a week later (just randomly guessing by now), Sean managed to 
trudge up towards the light, which had now resolved itself into a warm yellow 
spotlight.  Seated in that spotlight was a slight figure, about 5 or 6 inches 
shorter than Sean.  A few days ago, Sean had been ready to kill whoever had 
left him that note.  Now he just plopped down next to him.
	The man seemed to regard him with amusement.  "You walked all the way 
here?  For God's sale, man, why didn't you fly?"
	Sean resisted the urge to slap the man.  "I like to walk.  Hell, I've 
walked over 100 New York City blocks on some days."
	"Mmm.  Distorted a bit on your distances.  Did you realise that this 
place is ten thousand miles from where you first awoke?"
	There didn't seem to be much Sean could say to this.  "Beg pardon?"
	"Well, it stands to reason.  You've been trying to get to me for the 
past two hundred years.  And that was after you finally awoke."
	Sean's syllable count was further reduced.  "Geh?"
	"Sean, my boy, you've been here for 500 years.  At first I didn't think 
you were going to live.  Not that you were hurt all that badly physically, but 
the adjustment to the new environment has always been difficult.  It took me a 
hundred years myself, and I am exceptional."
	Sean decided he'd be able to deal with this better if he knew more about 
what the hell was going on.  "What is this place?"
	The man smiled, an irritating smile that Sean wanted to smack.  "You, my 
boy, are in a world of darkness.  A world separate from the one you and I came 
from, where ideas and thoughts can be formed into reality, and your will 
reigns supreme."
	"Ah, it *is* Cephiro.  You're not gonna say you called me here to be a 
legendary magic knight, are you?"
	The man chuckled.  "Good lord, no.  I have no need for anyone to defend 
me in this land, as I've already mastered it.  No, I simply brought you here 
to keep me company."
	That brought Sean to his feet.  "I *beg* your pardon?"
	The man didn't seem concerned.  "Oh, you weren't my first choice.  "I've 
been working on this for thousands of years.  For a while, I wanted a woman, 
someone I could convince to be my lover.  Unfortunately, they seem to be too 
fragile to make the transition to this space.  So I finally settled on someone 
to converse with, to help while away the long hours here."
	"And you decided on me?"
	"You seemed ideally suited.  Not really going anywhere with your life, 
fairly intelligent and eclectic, and best of all, a hatred of arguments and 
conflict.  The last thing I needed was someone coming here and questioning 
me."
	Sean gave the man a dirty look.  "Thanks for the faith you place in me."
	The man smiled, not seeming to notice Sean's sarcasm.  "I hope I haven't 
misjudged you.  You should have been able to get here much quicker than you 
did.  I'm going to have to train you much more than I thought.  Still, can't 
be helped, I suppose."
	That does it, Sean thought.  He stood up.  "Sorry, but I've decided that 
being Igor for you is not exactly how I want to spend my years.  Bye."
	He walked out of the pool of light and got about five feet before the 
man casually waved his hand.
      Suddenly, Sean was back in the light, kneeling in front of the man.  
With his head bowed.  And try as he might, he wasn't able to move a muscle.
      "Perhaps you might want to revise your plans just a bit."
      "Glk," Sean was able to get out, which he hoped would convey to the man 
exactly what he planned to do to him once he was able to move again.
      "Let me try to explain things to you again.  I am your superior in every 
way.  I've been here for nearly five thousand years, and have managed to 
master this land, as much as it can be.  I can create matter.  I can fly, and 
I am able to exercise no small amount of mental control.  You, as yet, cannot 
master anything.  If you leave my presence, you will die.  Either you will 
starve to death -- "
      Sean interrupted.  "I haven't been hungry."
      The man looked annoyed at being interrupted.  "Yes, you have."
      Suddenly Sean cried out in pain, his stomach convusling.  It felt as if 
someone had cored it out with a melon baller.
      "See?  You're hungry, I can see it on your face.  We'll take care of 
that first, show you how to create real food that you can live off of, rather 
than merely energy in the form of matter.  Then we'd better do something about 
your inability to fly.  Probably reading Douglas Adams too much, I'm 
guessing."
      Sean looked up, trying to form a coherent sentence.  "Who...?" was as 
far as he got.
      "Mmm?  Oh, that's right, you don't know who I am."  The man stood, and 
let his chest puff out, making the most of his rather average height and 
build.  In fact, now that Sean looked at him more closely, everything about 
the man seemed almost too average.  Average height, build, brown hair, brown 
eyes... aside from the maniacal power trip, he could almost be an ad for a 
Reuter's poll.
      The man spoke, and his voice reverberated through the void, almost 
deafening Sean.
      "You may call me Carl.  Carl, the Galactic Overlord."

***