Weakness and Strength

by Sean Gaffney

Utena (C) 2003 Ikuhara and company.  This is an alt-uni fic taking place three 
years before and during the run of Shoujo Kakumei Utena.  It has nothing to do 
with my other Juri/Shiori fics.


     Shiori rounded the corner and leaned against the wall, finally allowing a 
few tears to escape.  She couldn't do it, couldn't be the impassive, uncaring 
supergirl that Juri was.  Juri tried to tell her how irrelevant the others 
were, but it wasn't that easy.  They loved Juri.  Her face was the perfect 
heart shape.  Shiori's was too thin and pinched.  Her body was in the full 
bloom of womanhood.  Shiori was a late developer.  Juri was on three middle 
school teams, including being the star pupil of Ohtori's fencing prodigy, 
Tsuchiya.  Shiori could barely pass athletics.

     Shiori and Juri were best friends.  Always had been from the first days 
they'd met.  They'd both felt out of place among the talkative chatterers in 
their class, and had been drawn together for just that reason.  They brought 
out the best in each other, with Juri helping Shiori feel less awkward and 
ugly, and Shiori making sure Juri didn't fall into one of her depressions.  
Ichiro had been hanging out with them a lot lately, but he was still just a 
good friend.  Not a best friend like Juri and Shiori.

     But it wasn't the same anymore.  Shiori was falling behind as Juri became 
more and more popular, and everyone was asking why Juri bothered to hang 
around such a loser.  And it seems Juri was starting to wonder too.  The last 
couple of months she'd caught Juri giving her long looks, then looking away 
when Shiori turned.  When asked, she'd change the subject.  It was as if she 
were analysing Shiori, and finding her wanting.  She and Ichiro were talking a 
lot lately... did Juri have feelings for him?  Was Shiori just getting in the 
way now?

     It had happened again, at the junior fencing trials.  Juri and Tsuchiya-
sempai had been down on the field, with Juri winning match after match.  
Shiori had cheered at the first couple, but then noticed the other girls 
looking at her with their upturned noses.  She reddened, feeling stupid about 
showing such behavior.  She quickly moved off, hiding behind the building here 
to gain some composure.

     But it hadn't worked.  Two girls appeared around the corner.  Aoi and 
Hikaru, two of the worst social climbers in all of their class - and this 
being Ohtori, there was some pretty stiff competition.

     "Hello, Takatsuki-san," Aoi said.  "Come to cheer on your best friend?"

     Shiori put her shoulders back and faced them.  "Of course."

     "You looked so enthusiastic up there," Hikaru smirked.  "Just like a 
little puppy."

     Shiori felt a little bored.  This was nothing she hadn't heard before.  
"I should really be getting back to the match."

     She tried to move around them, but Aoi's arm blocked her path.  "What 
makes you think she'd even notice you were gone?  The only reason she keeps 
you around is as a little cheering squad.  Someone to make her feel special.  
If she ever found out what you were really like, she'd be disgusted."

     Shiori ducked under the arm.  "That's probably true, but she'd certainly 
never talk to either of you.  I *am* her best friend, and I can tell you for 
certain that she hates bootlickers."

     Suddenly she felt a sharp pain at the back of her head, as a hand grabbed 
her hair and yanked downward.  She screamed and fell to the ground.

     "You conniving little bitch," Aoi hissed.  Shiori gasped as the girl 
kicked her in the stomach.  She tried to get her breath back but was yanked 
back up against the wall.

     "Don't you dare tell us you're better than we are.  I've seen the way you 
whine and simper around Juri.  Always needing her to make you feel better.  
Because you're nothing.  You're a pathetic little girl who can barely manage 
to get good enough grades to stay here, hanging around with Juri to improve 
your social status.  I was serious.  She keeps you around to be her little 
doll.  Someone to tell her how wonderful she is, someone she can mother.  You 
think she thinks of you as a friend?  You could never be friends with someone 
like Juri.  Even you know that, deep down."

     Aoi let go of Shiori, and she slumped back against the wall, sobs 
hiccuping uncontrollably from her.  She heard Hikaru's concerned voice.  
"Dammit, Aoi, that's gonna bruise.  Juri's going to beat the shit out of us 
when she sees it!"

     Aoi just laughed.  "I did it deliberately.  And I know Juri will go after 
us.  After all, Shiori needs someone to fight her battles.  It's what she is."  
She turned back for a moment.  "And I'm not telling her anything she hasn't 
thought a thousand times before."

     They walked off, headed back to the match.  Shiori didn't follow them.  
Instead she returned to the dorm room, stripped down, and took the hottest 
shower she could.

     The bruise on her abdomen was turning purple already.  She could hide it 
with pyjamas, but just moving around made her wince.  And her head ached as 
well from the hair tug.  As the hot water cascaded down on her body, the pain 
seemed to grow even worse.  Her eyes roamed all over her body, picking out 
every flaw she'd discovered over the past year.  She was ugly.  Ugly and 
pathetic.

     She didn't know how long she sat in the shower stall, the water flowing 
over her.  It turned from hot to lukewarm, then to cold.  She began to shiver, 
but made no effort to get up.

     "Shiori?"  That was Juri's voice, coming from the entrance to the 
showers.  "Shiori, is that you in there?"

     She tried to tell herself that if she made no noise, gave no impression 
that she was in the room, that Juri would retreat and look elsewhere.  Even as 
she did, she heard the footsteps move closer.  She knew Juri to well to assume 
that would happen.

     The curtain opened a fraction.  "Shiori, are you i-"

     Suddenly the curtain flew open, and Juri stood there.  She was covered 
with sweat, and hadn't even changed out of her fencing outfit.  She stared 
down at Shiori, who could only look up at her helplessly.

     Juri shuddered briefly, and Shiori's head dropped.  There it was, the 
look that the girls had been talking about.  Disgust.  She lay her, splayed 
out in the corner of the stall, looking a wretched and appalling site.  No 
wonder Juri was disgusted.  She would be too.

     Suddenly she was in Juri's arms, and being carried out of the stall and 
back to their dorm room.  Juri didn't even seem to care about her undressed 
state, and Shiori gave thanks no one was in the halls to humiliate her 
further.

     Juri threw a robe around her, and put her on the bed.  She began to 
examine Shiori closely, and Shiori reddened as she found the bruises to her 
head and abdomen.  "Shiori, who did this to you?"

     Shiori imagined the future.  Telling Juri it was Aoi and Hikaru.  Juri's 
cold, calm acceptance.  Leaving the room later in the evening, telling Shiori 
she had some late studying to do in the library.  The next day, hearing that 
the two girls were in the infirmary, having come down with stomach problems 
last night.  She pictured it all in her mind, and for a moment she revelled in 
it.  She wasn't being needlessly cruel.  The girls deserved it.  Juri would 
make them pay for what they did to her best friend...

     The vision vanished, and Shiori opened her eyes to face Juri calmly.  "I 
fell," she said.

     Juri shook her head.  "You're lying.  That's not from a fall.  Shiori..."

     "Juri, leave it!  I don't want to think about it any longer!"  She turned 
away, even though it caused her pain.

     That was worse, though.  Now she could feel Juri's stare on her back.  
The same stare she'd felt for months.  What was it?  What was it that Juri saw 
in her and found wanting?

     She spun around hard, gasping with the pain.  But she saw it.  Juri's 
eyes raking her body, lingering over her scrawny thighs.  Juri started, then 
turned away, her face coloring even worse than Shiori's had earlier.

     "Juri, please, stop this," Shiori said, her voice breaking.  "What is it?  
Tell me!  I can't take anymore of you trying to decide what exactly it is you 
hate about me now?  Because we aren't best friends anymore, and it's my fault 
somehow, and every time you look at me I keep waiting for you to tell me to 
leave!  Is it me?  WHAT IS IT?!?!"  She was screaming, all of the day's 
tension pouring out of her.  Juri's complexion had gone from red to ash white.

     For a moment they were frozen like that, Shiori leaning on her arm 
heavily, Juri in a chair next to her gaping in shock.  And then she shuddered 
again, only it didn't seem like disgust this time.  It seemed like... fear?

     "We aren't best friends anymore.  And it's my fault, Shiori.  All my 
fault."

      Shiori suddenly felt the room wobble a bit, and her head fizzed as if 
she was dizzy.  "How can it be?  What did you do wrong?"

     Juri looked up, and reached out to touch Shiori's face.  "I fell in love 
with you.  I fell in love with my best friend, who can't see what she's really 
like, but can always see what I'm feeling."

     There were tears in Juri's eyes now, and she was talking faster.  "And 
that was it, I knew you would know what I was feeling, because you always do, 
you always know.  So I hid it from you.  I stopped being with you all the 
time, because I knew it would give me away.  And I knew when you found out 
what I was feeling, you'd run away."

     "Juri," Shiori breathed.

     "Shiori, I've never felt this way before.  What am I supposed to do?  How 
can I make it so that... will you..."  Juri stopped, and just stared at the 
floor.  "I'm sorry."

     Shiori sat back, stunned.  Juri loved her.  Not in the way they always 
loved each other as friends.  Juri desired her.  Nothing like this had ever 
happened to Shiori.  In the past months, the boys were finally beginning to 
take notice of girls, but it was always Juri they noticed, Juri with her 
perfect curls and ripening body.  Juri who never even gave them a second 
glance.  Because she wasn't interested in them.  She was interested in Shiori.

     It wasn't disgust back in the shower.  It was desire.

     They weren't friends.  Aoi was absolutely right, Shiori realized with a 
sick feeling.  Juri was near her because of her feelings, not for any other 
reason.  They weren't friends at all.

     She should leave, should run out the door, should tell Juri that she 
didn't think about her in that way, should tell her that they should just stay 
being friends, should tell Juri the truth about how she felt, how she hated 
herself, how she was starting to hate Juri.

     But in the end, she couldn't deny Juri anything.  How could she?  They 
were best friends, even if only to Shiori.  And she'd always done her best to 
cheer Juri up, to keep her moody friend from getting too depressed.  This was 
just another way of doing it.

     And so Shiori swallowed down her fear and jealousy, reached out, and took 
Juri into her arms.  "It'll be all right, Juri.  I promise.  I... I love you, 
too."

***

     3 years later.

     Utena Tenjou walked away from the rose garden, lost in thought.  She was 
still trying to decide what to do about this girl.  The duel last night, Anthy 
returning to the dorm with her... it was still too much to take in.  What were 
these duels?  Why was Anthy the prize they fought over.  Could that be legal, 
essentially selling a fourteen-year-old girl like that?

     She sighed, and leaned up against the wall.  All she wanted to do was 
find her prince.  Why did there always have to be so many complications.

     She blinked, noticing an older girl sitting down by the lake, staring out
at the water.  She was running her hands along the water's edge, letting her
fingers drift.  Her face was a study in misery.

     Utena had always been told that she shouldn't interfere in other people's
business, but had never mastered the art.  She walked over to the girl.  "I'm
sorry to bother you... are you feeling all right? 

     The girl shook her head, and stared back calmly at Utena.  For a moment
Utena shivered, seeing something cold and dead in her eyes.

     Then it was gone, and the girl was smiling pleasantly at her.  "No, I'm
fine, thank you.  I don't believe we've met?"

     Utena stared.  It was as if a switch had been thrown, and now the girl in 
front of her looked happy and open.  She rubbed the back of her neck and 
stammered a bit.  "I'm a new transfer student... Utena Tenjou."

     Shiori blinked.  "Of course, I should have realized by the uniform.  
You've made quite a name for yourself, Tenjou-san."

     "Yeah, everyone just loves me."  Utena couldn't stop a little sarcasm 
creeping into her voice.  "I'm getting more attention than I really wanted, 
though."

     Shiori shrugged.  "Then dress in the school uniform.  And don't threaten 
Student Council members in a public setting.  If you want to draw attention 
from yourself, there are lots of ways to do it."

     Utena couldn't help but smile at that.  "Good point," she said.  Then 
stopped smiling as she saw the serious look in Shiori's eyes.  "You must 
really know how to do that sort of thing, then?  Draw attention from 
yourself?"

     Shiori glared, and for a moment Utena thought she might have angered her.  
But then she shuddered, and drew back into the passive mask.  "What brings you 
out here?"

     Utena recognized the change of subject, but realized she was likely being 
too nosy.  Again.  "I was with a friend of mine... she has to take care of the 
roses.  It takes a while, so I thought I'd wander around a little, see more of 
the campus."  

     Now that *did* produce a reaction.  "The roses?  You mean Anthy 
Himemiya?"

     Utena tensed.  She remembered the other student's reactions to Anthy.  
She hoped Shiori wasn't like that.  "Yes.  It's... well, it's a long story."  
She began to walk back towards the gardens as she did so, and Shiori followed 
behind her.

     "You've only been here a few days."

     "My life invites long, complicated stories," Utena grumbled again.

     Shiori shrugged, this time letting Utena change the subject.  "I only 
know her because some of my friends have compared us.  They say we're a lot 
alike."  She ran her hand up her body as she said this, fingering a small gold 
locket at her breast.

     Utena blinked.  "Really?  Well, I guess you're both fairly quiet... so 
far Anthy just lets me do all the talking.  I'm hoping once we get to know 
each other she'll open up."

     "So you have become friends?  That's fast.  How did you meet?"

     Utena thought about the dueling arena and the Rose Bride, and tactfully 
edited.  "We're roommates."

     They arrived back at the gardens, just as Anthy seemed to be finished.  
"Welcome back, Utena-sama," she said sweetly.

     "Hey, Himemiya.  Wow, I got back just in time.  Um..." Utena fumbled a 
bit.  "This is Takatsuki-san, I met her down by the lake."

     "Oh yes," Anthy smiled.  "You're Juri-sempai's girlfriend, aren't you?  
Pleased to meet you."

     Utena's eyes bugged out, and she reddened in embarrassment.  Shiori 
seemed to take it in stride, though, bowing slightly.  "Pleased to meet you, 
Himemiya-san."  She turned back to Utena.  "It's not exactly a well-kept 
secret.  Juri and I have been lovers for years now."

     "Shiori?  Are you there?"  The voice came from outside the garden.  
Shiori stiffened visibly, but called out.  "In here, Juri!"

     The girl who entered wore a uniform similar to Shiori's, but that was all 
that was the same.  Juri held herself proud and regal, her hair almost a 
flowing mane around her head.  The effect would have been perfect except for 
her hands, which she was wringing almost compulsively.  "Shiori, there you 
are!  I was worried sick!"  She reached out and took Shiori into a tight 
embrace.

     Shiori's voice, when it emerged from Juri's shoulder, startled Utena.  
"I'm sorry, Juri.  I only wanted to go sit by the lake for a few minutes.  I 
know I should have told you..."

     "Yes, you should have!"  At this time, Juri looked up and noticed their 
audience.  "Oh, I'm sorry, you were talking with friends..."

     Shiori turned.  "I met them a few minutes ago.  This is Utena Tenjou, she 
just transferred here.  And I think you already know Anthy."

     Juri's face darkened briefly.  "So you're Himemiya.  I've heard a lot 
about you."

     Anthy's sweet smile didn't dim for an instant.  "And I you, Arisugawa-
sempai."

     For a moment, the two stared at each other, then Juri blinked and turned 
away.  "And you, Tenjou.  You've only been here a few days and everyone's 
heard of you.  Wearing a boy's uniform?  I tried doing that, but was 'advised 
against it' by the faculty."

     Utena shrugged.  "There's nothing in the rule book about it.  And I like 
the boy's uniform."

     "Oh!"  Shiori had let out a surprised gasp, and looked back and forth 
between Anthy and Utena.  Then she blushed, and settled bakc into Juri's arms.  
"Sorry, I didn't mean..."

     Juri interrupted smoothly.  "Anyway, we should be getting to dinner.  It 
was nice to meet the both of you."

     Utena bowed quickly.  "It was nice to meet you as well.  I hope to see 
the two of you again at some point."

     Juri smiled, but didn't respond.  She turned and led Shiori out of the 
rose gardens, neither of them looking back.

     After a moment alone, Utena sighed.  "Something about the two of them 
makes me uneasy."

     "Arisugawa-sempai is very pretty, isn't she, Utena-sama?"

     Utena blinked.  It was probably the first time Anthy had spoken about 
something other than their new friendship.  "Um... yes, she's really nice-
looking, I guess."

     Anthy nodded.  "She used to be stunning."  She then moved to Utena's 
side, ready to go wherever she wanted.  Utena stared at her for a moment, 
wondering if, as it sounded, Anthy had just insulted Juri.  No, she must be 
imagining things.  Anthy wouldn't do anything like that.  Sighing, she moved 
towards the dorms, hearing Anthy's footsteps behind her.

     "Anthy, walk beside me!"

     "Oh, I couldn't, Utena-sama..."

***

     Back in their own dorm, Shiori sat quietly on the bed, listening to Juri 
rant.  "They said they refused to recount the votes for a third time.  That I 
should just accept my defeat.  Dammit, I know what the results were!  I won 
that position by an avalanche!"

     Shiori nodded.  "I know."

     "Then why won't they admit it?" Juri cried.

     "They obviously don't want you to be on the Student Council."

     Juri turned.  "What?"

     "It's the only explanation that fits.  We know what Ohtori's like.  If 
you lost the election even though everyone voted for you, then someone doesn't 
want you on the Council."

     Juri considered this, then fell back on the bed.  "Dammit.  I deserve to 
be on the Council."

     "I know you do.  There's no one in the student body who should be there 
more than you.  But that doesn't matter.  Saionji's on the Council, and he's a 
violent psychotic.  The Council's always been creepy, you're better off away 
from them."

     Suddenly an arm snaked its way up Shiori's own, and she began to get 
chilled.  "Shiori..." Juri purred.

     "Juri, do we need to do this now?"  Shiori already knew the answer to 
that.

     "Are you thinking of someone else?"  It always went the same way, Shiori 
sometimes wondered why they didn't simply fuck each other while letting a tape 
recorder play their dialogue.

     "There is no one else but you, Juri.  I love you, you know that."

     A gasp escaped her as Juri's hand had manuevered inside Shiori's uniform 
top, and started to play with her breasts.  "You seemed very interested in 
that new transfer student today.  Getting on very well, I thought."

     Shiori winced.  "I only met her a few minutes ago.  She's not my type.  
And I think she already has a girlfriend, even if she doesn't know it yet.  
You know Himemiya Anthy's reputation.  When she's with a man, she's utterly 
devoted to following them everywhere.  And now she's following Utena."

     Juri had been listening to this while divesting Shiori of the rest of her 
uniform.  She was planting little kisses on her stomach.  "Utena's young.  She 
can't possibly do to you what I can do."

     Shiori stared at the ceiling.  Truer words were never spoken.

     Juri was at her thighs.  "I love you so much, Shiori.  Why have you been 
like this lately?  I want you to smile."

     A finger, then two.

     "I want you to scream my name in pleasure."

     Release.

***

     Utena was sitting on the  bed in her nightgown, waiting for Anthy to 
return from her shower so that they could sleep.  Her mind was still wandering 
around that conversation she'd had with Takatsuki-san earlier.  Saying that 
people compared her to Anthy.  And seeing the way she and Juri were with each 
other.

     How much of a bride was the Rose Bride, anyway?

     At that moment, Anthy walked back in, looking as cheerfully impassive as 
ever.  "Are you ready to go to sleep, Utena-sama?"

     "Himemiya... I have a couple of questions about this whole Bride thing."

     Anthy's smile broadened and she moved to sit next to Utena.  "Of course."

     "What does it really involve?  Seriously?"

     "I am engaged to whoever wins the duels."

     "And do whatever they wish?"

     "I can do anything you wish, Utena-sama."

     Utena frowned, noticing Anthy didn't really answer the question.  
"Well... what if they wanted to, um..."  Utena blushed.  "What if they took 
liberties with you?"

     Anthy didn't even flinch.  "I am the Rose Bride, Utena-sama."  The word 
bride had a slight note to it.

     The more Utena heard about these duels, the more she hated them.  "Did 
Saionji make you do these sorts of things?"

     "Saionji-san?  That wasn't what he wanted."

     Utena relaxed a bit.  Maybe the whole bride thing was more of a metaphor, 
then.  "So you wouldn't let me say 'Make love to me all night', or anything 
like that," she added jokingly.

     To her surprise, Anthy's eyes seemed to light up.  "Of course I would, 
Utena-sama."

     There was a long pause, then Utena lay back on the bed in frustration.  
"Well, what if I said to get me some pie or something?"

     Anthy stood.  "I think there are some stores in the area... I can have 
one delivered."

     "Himemiya, these are hypothetical questions!  I don't want pie!"  Utena 
grimaced as she noticed her tone.  "Sorry."

     "That's all right, Utena-sama.  Would you like anything else?"

     Utena sighed.  "No, let's just go to bed."  They both slipped under the 
covers, and Anthy turned off the lights.

     After a moment, Utena said, "Himemiya?"

     "Yes, Utena-sama?"

     "What if I asked you to hate me?  Would you have to do as I said?"

     There was a long, chilling pause.  "Do you truly wish that, Utena-sama?"

     "No... no, Himemiya, forget it.  Let's just go to sleep."  Utena turned 
over and tried to sleep, but kept thinking of Anthy as the Bride to others, 
being forced to do whatever they wanted.

     Well, at least that wasn't going to happen while she was with Utena.  
Whatever Anthy wanted to do, it would be of her own free will.

     If she had any.

***