Subreality Cafe: Anime Invasion!
a CBFFA award side story
by Trisha L. Sebastian


[The SubReality Cafe belongs to Kielle--Scribe, goddess and all-around
hot muchacha--and everyone else who dreams of comic characters doing
things you'd never see in the Mainstream world.  Various fictives and 
Writers belong to themselves.  Specifically, the John Constantine and 
Skuld mentioned in this story belong to David Tai and Rod M, who don't 
know that I'm doing this... yet.  In addition, this takes place somewhat 
around the time of the 1998 CBFFA awards and fits in somewhere in around 
sections two and three.  More detailed credits will go at the end.]



"Are we there yet?"

"If you say that one more time, I'm gonna have to turn around and 
hit you."

A car careened creakingly around the corner, one headlight missing, 
splashing through a large puddle, sending a spray of muddy water onto 
a passing Rogue fictive.  She shook her fist angrily at the car as it passed.

"Foxy, why don't you let one of us drive?" cajoled one of the backseat
passengers, a soothing smile on his face.

"No way, Rod!  Mike gave me the keys to the Pinto, and that's that!"
The driver gave an angry, savage twist to the wheel, and the car careened
around another corner, this time splashing an innocent (yeah, right)
Gambit fictive.

"Um, Trisha, could you at least watch where you're going?  We want to get
to this awards ceremony in one piece, you know," the other man asked, 
fidgeting with his bowtie.

"Whose fault is it that we're late, Dave?" Trisha answered.

"Do not call me Dave."

She ignored the interruption and continued.  "Who's the bright boy who 
got directions from a Hibiki, huh?  That delay in customs in Afghanistan
cost us too much time.  Gawd, you know better than that!" the woman, known 
as both Foxy and Trisha, sneered at the other fellow, then stomped hard 
on the brake.  The car complained to a halt.  "Here we are."

All three Writers piled out of the car, pausing only to duct tape the doors
back on.  They stood in front of a brick building, with a glowing neon
sign.  "Welcome to the Subreality Cafe, gentlemen," Trisha gestured,
with an air of achievment.

Rod looked around and shrugged.  "It's not bad."

"'Not bad?'  Don't let the patrons hear you say that, they think this
place is a Heaven," Trisha replied, moving towards the door.  Just then,
a large blue skinned mutant flew out the door, groaning in agony.  
He bounced a couple of times before crashing into the building opposite.
The girl dusted off her hands and was about to return to the cafe, 
when Trisha tapped her on the shoulder.  "Hello?  Are you Mary Sue?"

Mary Sue replied, "Of course!"  Her body grew to five feet six inches,
and large furry fox ears sprouted out of her head.  A tail appeared...
where tails normally appear from and she grinned at the Writer,
her emerald eyes flashing.  "What can I do for you?"

David gasped, "Foxtrot?"

Mary Sue turned to him.  "No, but a reasonable facsimile... like I said,
what can I do for you?"

Trisha recovered from her gawking and shoved three envelopes at the now
curvaceous vixen.  "Um, we've been invited to the awards.  These guys,"
she gestured to the two gaping men behind her, "have been nominated,
and I'm their escort and chauffeur for the evening."

"Oh really?  Which X-Team did you use in your fanfic?" Mary Sue inquired 
of the duo in tuxedos.

"None of them, actually," Rod replied, blinking.

Mary Sue looked around.  "What was that noise?"

"What noise?" David blinked.

"That noise... it sounds like a..." Mary Sue racked her brain.  "A 
'piku'?"

Trisha sighed.  "Oh, that... that's the sound an surprised anime 
fanfic Writer makes when he or she blinks."

Mary Sue shook her head.  "Strange... well, since these invitations are
genuine, I guess I have to let you in."  She opened the door warily,
and guffawed as she noticed Remy on stage with his shades on, playing a
piano.

"Thanks..."  The trio weaved their way to their designated table, where two
fictives were waiting for them.

"Hi, David-kun, Rod-kun!"  Skuld, the Norn Goddess of the Future, threw 
herself onto David and hugged him first, then tacklehugged the other Writer.
"I'm so glad that you could make it.  I'm so excited!"

"Why? 'S not like it's gonna make a difference in 'ere," John 
Constantine said caustically.

Skuld punched John playfully in the arm.  "What do you mean by that?"
She beamed up at John, who scowled and lit up another Silk Cut cigarette.

The robot next to him reached out an appendage and pinched off the cigarette.
<<Smoking is unhealthy.  Please refrain from smoking in here.>>

"Bloody Christ!" John swore, waving his hand towards the murky haze coming
from a table of chain smoking Gambits.  "Does it look like this place has 
a no smoking policy?"

<<I am not programmed to look after those other people.>> the robot answered
smugly.

"Skuld...." John glowered at the diminutive goddess, who blushed.

"John, you know how unhealthy smoking is.  It's a nasty habit, and you
could get lung cancer or something," Skuld answered, twisting her hair
around her fingers.

John smirked.  "Been there, done that."

Trisha leaned forward to regard John.  "So, why do you say that it doesn't
matter what Rod and David write?"

"Look at this bloody place!" he gestured.  Rogue and Gambit cuddled next 
to each other in one corner, glaring at Rogue and Joseph in another corner,
who were making out and trying not to glare at a third Rogue and Magneto who
were having sex on top of the bar while glaring back at the other two couples.

"Them superhero spandex sots have got us outnumbered.  There's no way
you could ever win with this crowd," he muttered, watching Arclight
swipe at Warren with a chainsaw.  He grinned at her.  "Nice form."

"And them plotlines!"  John cleared his throat and affected a girlish whiny 
accent.  "O Cor!  Me life's a mess 'cuz I'm a mutant and me
son's cousin's roommate from an alternate future story line is ruining
me life even more 'cuz she's stealin' all me make-up!  What shall I do?"

Trisha giggled as John continued.  "An' I 'aven't got a thing to wear
to the Autumn Angst Ball comin' up and I'm afraid that His All-High-Mucky-
Muckness Chuckie Xavier won't want me to be on the team anymore.  
Woe is me!"

David guffawed.  John guzzled from his stein.  "Face facts.  I'd never be 
in one of them stories where them clothes are so tight it cuts off
the circulation to their nuts if me life depended on it."  Just then, 
a deafening yowl came from the back room of the Cafe.  A drenched white cat 
with a bandaid on its forehead streaked out of the room, followed merrily
by two madly grinning bunny slippers.  The cat bounced off the floor, and 
landed on a table, scattering the X-cats in its wake.  The slippers 
leaped spectacularly in the air and crashed on the table, leering at the 
cat.

"Sssskrrit?" asked Wink-Wink.

"Yeaowwwwllll!" the cat replied.

"....." interjected Nudge-Nudge.

"Mrrrowwwwwch!"	the cat yelled.

The cat hissed and leapt off the table, smack dab into John, who had turned
to see the commotion.  Dropping his pack of cigarettes, he cursed as 
it swarmed to his head, cowering on his shoulders.  Skuld leaned forward,
staring intently at the slippers.  "Those look like..." she reached out 
behind her and grabbed her mallet "BUGS!"  Skuld leaped out of her seat 
and ran up to the table, swinging her mallet high and bringing it down 
hard onto the table, smashing it into splinters.  "You can't get away
from me!"

The slippers, recognizing a force of immense power and might, chittered to
each other and led Skuld away to the back room where they would deal with
her properly, leaving John with a quivering cat on his head.

"Poor thing," Trisha murmured, wanting to pet the creature.  "Did them
bunny slippers frighten you?"

"Get this ruddy thing offa me!"

"I'd love to, but I have allergies," Trisha replied.  "Want to do the
honors, Rod?"

"You know, that cat looks awfully familiar," DAvid said, puzzled as
he lifted the cat gently off of John's head.

"Now that you mentioned it, I think I've seen this cat before, I just
don't know where I've seen it before," Rod said, looking at the
frightened animal in David's arms.

"Him," John corrected, leaning down to pick up his pack of cigs.  "And
'e's definitely been in the Guiness, from what I can smell.  'Ello,
what's this?"

"Hm?" Trisha said, studying the cat's blue eyes.  "Did you find
your pack?"

"Yeah, and I found some bloody pen thing, too.  Some 'un must 'a dropped
it."  John straightened up, holding a short black cylindrical object that
was indeed the shape of a pen.

The cat's ears perked up and it strugged to get out of David's arms.  He
held it tighter.  "Easy, big guy, no one's gonna hurt you."

Something tickled at the back of Trisha's mind.  "Um, maybe you should
put that thing down, it might be dangerous."

"This thing?"  John tossed it from one hand to the other.  "It's magical,
yeah, but I've been dealing with magic most of me life."  He peered at 
the insignia at one end.  "I wonder what it does."

Rod jerked upright and threw a panicked look at David, who was busy trying
to quiet down the cat.  "I agree with Trisha.  I think you 
*really* should put it down."  He paused for dramatic effect.  "Now."

"Wot?  Just because yer all powerful Writers it doesn't mean
you get to tell me what to do."  He looked Trisha in the eyes.  "If
I wanted to banish this thing to hell, I could."  He swiveled to 
Rod.  "An' if I wanted to thow the silly thing into the fire, I would."
He stared down at the black object.  "An' if I wanted to dress up in
women's clothing shoutin' 'Girl Power!' I will."

The wand started to glow and streams of light poured out.  "Shite!"
John yelled, feeling himself being lifted into the air.

Trisha's hand flew to grab his ankle, but John was already out of reach.
The entire cafe ground to a halt as John levitated in the air, jerking
his legs and arms about wildly.  Dark music poured out of the speakers
and John twirled about in the air, bathed in light.

Then his clothes disappeared.

Trisha turned to Rod and David, who were gaping with a mixture of disgust
and trepidation.  "You didn't...!"

David nodded weakly.  "Sailor Hellbalzer, coming soon to a computer screen
near you."

All the male patrons in the cafe looked ill as John rotated above them 
in the air, his hands over his privates, silently screaming.  Then, a 
streamer of dark energy wrapped around John's form, obscuring all the 
naughty bits.  There was a simultaneous sigh of relief.

"I thought that was just supposed to be a joke scene, you know, like
those outtakes after 'Grumpy Old Men'!"

"Well," Rod stammered, "you see we got stuck writing on 'Mortal Fates' 
and David brought it up and--"

"Me?" squealed David.  "You're the one who was responsible for it, you
and Mike Loader!"

"We can blame Mike later, but I really think you guys should leave before
the transformation sequence ends," Trisha said, making a shooing motion
with her hands.

"Right!  We'll meet you back at the Keep."

Then, John appeared to shrink, his body getting smaller, lanky muscle giving
way to luscious curves.  Again, the crowd sighed, this time because 
the naughty bits were being obscured.  A dark beam shot down from the
ceiling, spearing John, bathing hi-- er, her in darkness.  Silk rustled
and John dropped to the floor in a crouch, wearing a very short black
skirt and form fitting black bodysuit.

"I am Sailor Hellblazer!" John shouted in a husky alto voice.  She contorted
her body and waved her arms about.  "I come to right wrongs, and triumph
over evil, and that means killing them Writers what did this to me!"
She pointed at the exit door, where Rod and David could be seen trying
to sneak out the door.  "You!"

"eep!"

John vaulted over a table, and took off running.  The two Writers jostled
their way out the door and just as they managed to get out the door, John
shouted, "Nemesis Shadow Whip!"

A dark stream of energy nipped Rod in the butt and he yelped as they ran
off into the night.

"Having fun, are we?" a voice asked, amused.

"Kielle!"  Trisha turned to see the Scribe and Laersyn hovering overhead.
"I can explain..."

"No need, you just wanted to represent the anime and manga writers,
right?"  Kielle smiled down at the younger woman.

"Well, I mean, we're a part of the fanfic community, too, you know," Trisha
said, twiddling her thumbs.

The Scribe sighed, sitting down at the table.  "I know, but you've completely
disrupted the proceedings, and we're on a tight schedule.  I can't control
the others, since their parts have already been written..."

"But since I volunteered to write this part post facto, I can be retconned,
right?" Trisha sighed.

Laersyn unfolded his laptop.  "I'm afraid so," said Kielle.

"But they haven't even announced their category yet!"

Laersyn typed on keyboard as Kielle patted Trisha on the shoulder.
"There's nothing else I can do now."

"Could you at least post this for me?  Call it a side story?"  Kielle
shooke her head at the request.  "Please?" Trisha asked.  "You have no 
idea how long I've been working on this section."

Kielle sighed reluctantly and nodded.  The other woman smiled and nodded 
back.  "Alright then.  Ready when you are."

Laersyn hit 'Enter' and Trisha disappeared.


***************


As one might dispose of a bag of trash, Mary Sue hoisted Apocalypse
out the door.  He skipped several times before crashing into the building
opposite. 

Kielle looked to the entrance door, but no one entered.  She smiled
at the dark familiar over her shoulder.  "Good work."

"Any one else have a problem?" Mary Sue asked as she turned back to
the patrons at the bar.  A chorus of no's met her question. "Very good." 

Laersyn shrugged, as only an amorphous entity could, and handed her
a diskette.  Kielle put it in her pocket gently.  "All in good time,
Trisha, all in good time."

"Ah, beef stroganoff. My plans are falling into place," Sinister
said with delight as he raised the lid of the warmer.

The Scribe laughed as she got back to the mayhem that was the CBFFA awards.




End Credits:

As stated previously, the main John Constantine belongs to David
Tai and Rod M, from their stories "Dire Fates" and "Sailor Hellblazer."
Yes, they actually wrote a crossover between "Sailor Moon" and
"Hellblazer."  It's really very funny.  Trust me.

Skuld is also from "Dire Fates"--which was nominated for the best
serious crossover award.  Skuld is the Norn (or Norse) goddess
of the future.  She is also in charge of upkeep for the Ysgradail,
the central 'computer' that keeps Earth running in the anime/
manga series "Oh My Goddess!"  On of her favorite hobbies is
squashing the bugs that appear in the programming, which look
like bunnies with eight legs.  Hence, Skuld wanting to squash 
the slippers.

The bunny slippers belong to themselves, thought Abyss likes to claim
them from time to time.  

I stole my framing story from Dex, but I don't think he'd mind, since 
I kept it mostly intact.

The white cat is Artemis, and he belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, creator
of "Sailor Moon."

The Pinto... how do I explain the Pinto?  Well, the Pinto belongs
to Mike Loader, from a long and glorious fanfic called "The Nameless
Sequel."  In addition, all sick and twisted anime fanfic ideas can be 
blamed on Mike Loader.  It's all his fault.  Trust me.

Ryouga Hibiki is copyrighted to Rumiko Takahashi, creator of "Ranma
1/2."  Suffice to say, he is *always* lost and can traverse space and
time just trying to get home from the supermarket.  I'm surprised
he hasn't found his way to the Cafe by now.

The Gambits, Rogues and Joseph/Magnetos who were making out belong to 
any number of fics.  Pick one and carry the five.

Arclight and the chainsaw belong to Laersyn, from "Devil's Due."
Of course, it's a not-so-veiled reference to when John Constantine
hacked off the angel Gabriel's wings.

Foxtrot is an avatar from my own past, but she also belongs to
my fiance, too.

Laersyn belongs to himself and quite possible to the Marauders,
whom he made into decent and evil villains again.

And last, but certainly not least, the concepts of Subreality and the
Cafe belong to everyone, but is attributed the most to Kielle.
Long live the Scribe!



Trisha L. Sebastian
tls@thekeep.org
A Proud Member of the BML Productions crew