BACKSTAGE AT THE BRONZE...


Xander Harris eyed his co-presenter with some trepidation.  "Are you sure you
want to do this, Will?  I mean, remember the last time you got up on
stage?  Do the words 'Willow running off as fast as she can' ring a bell?"

"Piece of cake," said Willow.  She smoothed her dress in place.  "That
was a long time ago, before I got my witch powers."

"So you can levitate pencils, big deal?"  Xander backed away from her
glare.  "Not that being able to levitate pencils isn't bad!  Comes in
handy when when you need to write something a hundred feet above you."

"You must really like the taste of 'foot'," Oz commented from the side.

"I've gotten better!" Willow protested.  "Remember the ionization spell?"

"Remember Amy the Rat?"

Willow pouted.  "You've got a point.  But this spell's not as hard.  It's
a basic mind-over-matter spell.  You know how they say that when you're
speaking in public, you should just picture the entire audience naked?"

"I tried that once.  In Speech Communication class."  Xander's face fell.
"It was the day that Darrell was sitting in the front row instead of 
Cordelia."  He shuddered.  "The strange part is that he looked kinda...
okay."

"Anyway, I'll just do a simple mind displacement chant and I'll be able to 
actually see everyone in their underwear," Willow grinned.  "It's as easy as
that."

"If this does work, could you teach me how to do it?"  At Willow's protest,
Xander explained.  "It may come in handy when I need to save beautiful
women from their treacherous underwear."

"Xander!"

"I can see how that would come in handy."

Willow turned on her boyfriend, but by that time, the stage manager came by to 
tell them that they were on in five minutes.  As Xander made his way towards
the stage, Willow closed her eyes, and began chanting the spell.


*_*


"Excuse me, do you know the way to the Tendo Dojo?"

The vampire looked up from his victim to see a sturdy looking Japanese
boy with a backpack on his back holding a map.  "Bite me," he replied.  The vampire
turned to his buddies and they started to laugh in appreciation of the little joke.

"Um, if it isn't any trouble to you, mister, could you like, save me from this
freaky undead guy?" Aura wailed.

"Hmm?"  The boy looked at the vampire, who had his fangs and "grrr" face on,
and it finally registered that perhaps he wasn't a boyfriend out for some nookie.
Of course, the thought of nookie threatened a monumental nosebleed, but Ryouga
Hibiki, for once, managed to stop his thoughts before they went in that direction.
He grabbed the vampire's hand and squeezed it hard.  "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you to stop."

"Or what?  You gonna stop me?"  The vampire sneered at Ryouga, and then he realized
exactly how hard he was squeezing.  Bones started to pop and crack, and the vampire
looked up in surprise.

"Yes."  Ryouga yanked him forward and tossed him over his shoulder and into the
others.  They all went down hard, and he extended his hand towards the frightened
girl.  "Are you alright, miss?"

"Look out behind you!"

Ryouga turned and faced the onrushing vamps, punching and kicking them into
unconsciousness.  He turned again, to help Aura up.

"Um, behind you again?"

"Man, these guys are worse than Ranma!" he growled, kicking and punching at them
again.

"Well, duh... they're undead and all," Aura said.  "You need to make them go 
all dusty."

Ryouga ducked a punch and followed up with a sweep kick.  "Pardon?"

"Like this."  She went over to one who had just been knocked down by Ryouga and
taking a stray tree branch, she staked him in the heart.  Instant dust.  "See?"

Ryouga took the hint, and "dusted" all the vampires, finally helping her up.
"Are you some sort of a vampire slayer?"

"Me?  No way.  And get all sweaty?"  Aura dusted off her designer outfit and
shook her head.  "The girl you want to see is Buffy."  She spit out the name
with a sense of disgust.  "C'mon, I'll take you to see her."  She turned
and walked off.

"I just want to get to the Tendo Dojo..."  Ryouga shrugged and followed her,
careful to keep her in sight.  "Maybe this Buffy person will know where 
it is."


*_*


The crowd was at a fever pitch.  The Dingoes finished up their set to tumultuous
applause, the curtain closing slowly in front of them.  Off to the side of the 
stage, was a large TV screen that was showing the events back at the Subreality Cafe.
The onsite producer listened intently on his headset, then motioned the stage manager.
"And we're live in three... two... one..."

Oz, dressed in something that resembled formal attire, stepped through the curtains
up to the mike and said, "Here's the presenters for the next award, the Best Humorous
Crossover."  He walked away, and the stage manager shoved Willow and Xander out onto
the stage.

"Geez, man, you didn't have to push so hard!" Xander said, adjusting the lapels of
his rented tuxedo.

"...lumina, vetement disparatu..."

Xander waved to the audience, blowing kisses into the crowd.  In response, the
audience cheered even louder, and some of them even started to laugh.

"Man, that was a cool special effect."

"Oh, god, you can almost see his..."

"You can present to me anyday!"

Xander reached the center of the stage and smiled broudly, and turned back to Willow,
holding out his hand.  The look on her face was perhaps best described as wary panic
and utter shock.

"C'mon, Willow, it ain't that bad," he coaxed.

A woman from the audience called out, "You can say that again, sweet-cheeks."

Xander began to wonder exactly what the woman meant and reached up to
straighten his lapels again.  Only he didn't have lapels.

He didn't have a tuxedo, either.

More women whistled, and he realized with a dawning horror that in his rush to get
dressed for tonight's event, he'd just thrown on any pair of boxers he could find,
thinking that no one would even be able to tell.

Xander looked down at his dingy gray boxers, ripped in the back, and ran screaming
from the stage.  The audience turned its attention to Willow, who realized not only the
mistake she made in casting the spell, but that she was also alone on stage.

Very, very alone.

Ever see a deer caught in headlights?  Willow was doing a very good impersonation
of one.

She turned to run off stage, but the stage manager was making threatening gestures and
Oz was no where to be seen.  In blind panic, she reached behind her through the curtains,
grabbing onto a very solid shoulder and yanked hard.

Ryouga Hibiki stumbled through the curtains and collided with Willow, hard.  The two
of them fell onto the stage, and the audience broke up in laughter again.

"Ano, I'm so sorry," Ryouga said, as he helped her up to her feet.  "Can you tell me the
way to the Tendo Dojo?"

"I don't have time for that," Willow said through her teeth.  "Just go read the Teleprompter,
okay, and I'll hide behind you."  With that, she shoved him in front of her, and cowered
behind.

Ryouga blinked at the cameras, the crowd, and the spotlights.  "Miss, I just seem to be
lost.  Could you tell me the way to the Tendo Dojo?"  He looked around, and whispered
loudly, "What is this?"

"It's an awards ceremony for fanfic.  I kinda made a mistake, and made my co-presenter's
clothes disappear."

"You're a wizard?" he whispered in awe.  Perhaps she would be able to remove the
accursed curse of Jusenkyo for him.  "Can you help me?"

"Help me present first, and then I'll do anything you ask me to do," she said, still
hiding behind him.  "Just read, okay?"

Ryouga's eyes lit up.  "Don't you worry, miss!  I'll do anything to help you!"  He
gripped the microphone in two hands and there was a loud screech of feedback.  Ryouga
leaned forward and started to read slowly.  "Our... next category... deals with the 
flip side of the (what's that word?) crossover.  For every... tear, there are... is 
laughter.  For every bit of ... of..."  He stared hard at the word, but he couldn't
see it.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!"  Willow stepped out from behind him and grabbed the mike.
"Go wait for me backstage."  She cleared her throat and continued.

"For every bit of angst, there is a bit of happiness.  Here are the four nominees
for Best Humorous Crossover, in no particular order."  Willow stepped aside, and 
the screen came down.

"First up, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer/New Mutants crossover by Hekatis,
'A Producer's Nightmare'":

<i>
Sam: "But how, I mean, who, I mean where are we?"

Doug: "The computer tells me that some guys from a TV series called "Buffy
the Vampire Slayer" were going to have a guest appearance in one of our
comics, but something went wrong and now we have been transferred to the
Buffyverse."

Roberto (enthusiastically) and Illyana (horrified): "Buffy the Vampire
Slayer?!?"

Illyana: "You mean, we really ended up in this wretched series with all its
incredible plot twists and pathetic characters?"

Roberto: "You mean, in this wonderful series with all its witty dialogue and
beautiful heroines?"

(Illyana and Roberto stare at each other furiously.)
</i>

Pleased by the fact that no one had booed her off stage, Willow continued.
"Next, another X-crossover, a nominee from last year featuring the folks 
from Bloom Country and the X-Men, 'Meadow X, by Sabia'":

<i>
Pete ambled through the mansion, drink in one hand and cigarette in the other. 
The X-Men who hadn't gone insane were drinking like they never planned to see 
sobriety again. It was amazing. And to think he thought he wouldn't enjoy his visit. 

He wound his way down to the lowest sub-basement. The experimental computer lab 
housed all sorts of illegal, alien-derived toys that were kept under strict lock
and key. Pete paused in the doorway, head tilted to one side as he caught a hint 
of His Kitty's Voice. 

She was giggling. Breathlessly. "Oh, Oliver! That was so good!" 
"It was nothing," a young male voice demurred. 

Shite, Pete thought instantly. 

"I've never seen anyone get that much performance out their hard drive before," 
Kitty cooed further to her unknown paramour. "The response time is amazing." 

Bloody buggering hell. He'd show her some response times! Steeling himself against 
any possible array of sickening displays, Pete kicked the door open. Or at least
he tried to. The motion detector opened the door automatically, leaving him with 
one leg flailing in space before he worked out that he should put it down again. 

The computer lab was in that specific disorder that instantly confused anyone 
except the select few who under stood the order in the chaos. Instead of the 
torrid scene he had half-expected, Pete was treated to the sight of Kitty 
fussing over a yellow box in the company of some black git with big eyeglasses. 

"Hey, Pryde," he began. 

Kitty spun around and smiled. "Pete! I'm so glad you're here!" 

That was a bit better, his ego noted approvingly. 
</i>

Giggling, Willow continued.  "Third, we have another nominee from last year, 
crossing the worlds of John Constantine: Hellblazer with..."  She looked closer
at the teleprompter, to make sure it was saying the right thing.  "...Sailor
Moon?  'Sailor Hellblazer', by Rod M and David Tai'":

<i>
John stared at the pen for a moment, mesmerized by the
swirling patterns on its surface.  It seemed to encourage
him to say whatever came naturally to his mind.  It seemed,
in fact, very urgent that he say what came naturally to his
mind.

What naturally came to his mind at that point were these
words:

"Bloody friggin' hell..."

The wand somehow seemed puzzled, an amazing achievement in
itself.  Those weren't quite the words, no.  Normally, it'd
be something like 'MOON CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!' or 'PLUTO
PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!' or something like that.

'Bloody friggin' hell' was not quite it.

It was, however, the words that came naturally to the
subject's mind.

So....

*POOF*

"What the.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!!!"
</i>

Fighting to contain her laughter, Willow said, "And finally, we have the biggest
romp through universes ever.  It's a cross between The Authority and almost 
all the books they could think of, Indigo and Redhawk's 'The Midnighter
vs. All Comicdom'":

<i>
* * * * *

Midnighter:  "I..."

Phoenix:  "Don't tell me,  'I have gone over this fight a hundred times
in my own head already and I know every possible turnout,' right?" 

Midnighter: "..."

Phoenix telekinetically tosses Midnighter into orbit.

Cyclops: "JEAN!!!!!!" 

Phoenix:  "What?!  Okay, so I'm a little PMSsy...! "
</i>

A beautiful woman in a slinky dress handed her the envelope, and the TV monitor showed
all the nominees in a split screen.  Rod was whispering in the ear of the woman sitting
next to him, who was shaking her head, while David yawned and looked at his watch.  
Sabia was busy gripping the armrests of her chair so hard, that everyone
feared that she'd break them off.  Redhawk and Indigo had their fingers crossed, and
Hekatis was busy trying to calm down the irate Rahne, who'd been forced to pretend
to be Oz in the story.

"And the Creative License goes to.... ROD AND DAVID, FOR "'SAILOR HELLBLAZER!'"

All attention focused on Rod and David, who looked surprised.  The woman shocked them
both by kissing them on the cheek, and prodding them in the shoulder with a small,
pen-sized cattle prod.  The two men went up to the stage, and took the mike.

"Well, we're a bit surprised to have won again, especially for this, because I
hate Sailor Moon," Rod began.  "I mean, we worked harder on 'Dire Fates' and
THAT should have been nominated.  Needless to say, I'd like to thank everyone
who voted for us, and our beta-readers, the Keep Rats, for keeping us sane while
doing this."

"Also, much thanks go out to Foxy for putting the story up on OTL and basically
running interference for us," David continued, gesturing to the woman in the
audience, who was waving around her mini cattle prod triumphantly.  "And I'd like
to say on a personal note that Rod is a horrible typist."  He grinned at his
co-writer, and the two of them waved again, and made their way backstage.

Backstage at the Bronze, Willow was jumping up and down with glee, hugging Oz.
"I did it!  I did it!"  She composed herself and tried to look dignified.
"I mean, it wasn't really all that hard."

Because he knew his girlfriend very well, Oz kept his mouth shut and just hugged
her again.  Ryouga scratched his head.  "Can you help me get to the Tendo Dojo now?"

Willow nodded.  "Sure!"  She brought out a handful of dust from the pouch she'd
used to cast the other spell and sprinkled it on Ryouga's feet.  "Sands of time,
sands of snow, take this traveler where he wants to go!"  A small blue portal opened
up behind him and he stepped through to find himself at the Tendo Dojo.

"Wow!  I actually made it!" he exclaimed with glee.  "Akane's gonna love the present
I got for her."

Ranma ran around the corner, dressed in a tuxedo, holding a garment bag.  "Where
have you been, pigboy?"  Before Ryouga could have time to insult him back, Ranma
said, "Never mind that, we're gonna be late.  We need to meet LaShawn at the 
ampitheater!"

"Ampitheater?  For what?"

"The Chicken Ball ceremony... don't you remember?"  Ranma smacked his forehead
with his hand.  "We're co-presenting for the fanfic award?"

"But I already did that, didn't I?"

Ranma shook his head and pulled at Ryouga's hand.  "Baka.  Come on, we're gonna
be late!"  Ryouga let himself be tugged off by Ranma, because by this time,
he was too confused to figure anything out.



THE END



META:  Acknowlegements are as follows:

The Bronze, Oz, the Dingoes, Aura, Xander, Willow and everything else Buffy belongs
to Joss Whedon and his ilk, and I am heartily grateful to him for creating them.

Ryoga Hibiki belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.

The fanfics mentioned belong to the authors, who are not making any money off
of them, and do it for the pleasure of writing fanfic.

The Subreality Cafe was created by Kielle, as was the original concept of the
CBFFA Awards.

The Chicken Ball Awards are an acutal award, given to anime fanfic.  They
just finished posting their ceremonies.  You can read it at: 
http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB/, where Ryouga did indeed present another
award.  Which makes this segment a crossover in itself. ^_^