*

               Rod M presents
         yet another stupid idea....

                     *

The collected Tendos and Saotomes, seated at the porch of
the Tendo abode, stared at the letter Soun had recieved that
day, all puzzled and surprised at its implications. 

"Well I'll be," said Soun.

"Why didn't you tell us you had Irish blood in you before,
Tendo?" asked Genma.

Soun shrugged.  "Well... it didn't seem important, really."

"One certainly wouldn't guess just looking at you," agreed
Nodoka, nodding.

Genma adjusted his glasses in a sage-like manner.
"Actually, Tendo, this would explain a few things."

Soun lifted an eyebrow.  "Oh, Saotome?"

"Indeed," nodded Gema, crossing his arms.  "I mean, the
drinking, the singing, your penchant for telling... ahem...
long tales."

Soun's demon head radiated in full force, right into Genma's
face.  "Exactly what do you mean, _Saotome_?"

"Ain't they supposed to be short tempered too?" asked Ranma,
blissfully ignorant of Soun and Genma's confrontation going
on behind him.

He also forgot Akane.

*WHAM*

Nodoka shook her head as Akane stalked away, mallet in
hand.  "Now that he had coming." 

                     *

                 "O'Tendo"

          A Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction
       in honor of St. Patrick's Day

                     *

In an ancient and elegant castle in Ireland, several lawyers
stared at the new arrivals, their jaws hanging down in
shock.

["These're the last surviving heirs, are they?"]

["Well... it seems t'be the case now, if'n all the records
are correct.  And they DO seem to be correct."]

They gave a collective sigh.

["Tis a strange world indeed, Sean."]

["Aye."]

One of them stepped forward.  ["Would you be Soun Patrick No
Ishikawa-MacSweeney Kawamura Tendo?"]

The middle-aged man with the moustache nodded.  ["Hai."]

["An'hello t'you too, sir,"] said the lawyer.  ["I'm Sean
O'Riley, lawyer for the MacSweeney estate."]

Soun nodded again.  ["Hai."]

Sean blinked.  ["Um... yes, hello.  Anyway, as the last
surviving members of the MacSweeney line..."]  He had a
feeling something was wrong, and hesitated to think it over.
There was something about the somewhat blank expression on
Mr. Tendo's face...

["Sir,"] he asked, ["Ye dunna understand a word I'm saying,
do ye..."]

Soun nodded his head solemnly again.  ["Hai."]

Genma gave Soun a flat look.  "You don't have a clue what
he's saying, do you?"

"No, Saotome, not a one."

The collective Saotome/Tendo clan facefaulted.

"Dad!" yelled Nabiki.  "Let _me_ handle this, at least I
speak some-"

["Sorry for me da's behaviour, he's a bit of a blowhard in
his old age, 'e is.  Wouldn't admit he was in trouble if a
sheep bit'em in the rear."]

Sean laughed and nodded.  ["Aye, me da was the same way."]

["Nice t'meet ye.  Akane Tendo."]

["Charmed, lass.  Let's show yer kin the estate and what
comes with it."]

The collected Tendo/Saotome clan stared at Akane in shock.

"Hey, since when did you talk like an Irishman?" asked
an annoyed Nabiki, arms folded.

Akane shrugged.  "Watched a few movies."

                     *

["And here we have a gallery of notable MacSweeneys in times
past,"] said Sean as they entered a long corridor.  Lining
the walls were rows of paintings, each one a portrait of a
dignified figure dressed in fine clothes.  ["There's Brian
MacSweeney, who fought heroically against Nazis in World War
II.  This'n is Aengus MacSweeney, he added to the MacSweeney
fortunes when he went away to America in the 1800s as a
sheephearder.  And-"]

["Mr. O'Riley,"] interrupted Akane.  ["Who's this?"]

She stood before the portrait of a young, red-headed woman,
clad in armor, a fiery and defiant look on her face.

["Ah, that be Lady Anne MacSweeney, one of your wilder
ancestors,"] replied O'Riley.  ["She was inspired by 
Joan of Arc, but dinnae believe in killing, so she fought
without a sword."]

["No sword?"] asked Akane.  ["She must've been really
good."]

["Aye, swung a mean war hammer, she did.  It still hangs
o'er the doors of the main hall."]

Ranma hit his palm with his fist in the traditional 'a-ha!'
gesture.  "That'd explain a few things."

-thwap-

"Ow!"

                     *

The sounding of the bell heralded the serving of dinner, and
the heirs to the MacSweeney castle emerged from their rooms.

Soun and Genma took the lead, eagerly walking down the
stairs to the dining hall.  Behind them, Nodoka strode with
her usual dignity and grace.  And further back, the children
casually strolled.

"I still can't believe this is happening," said Kasumi. 
"It's all so sudden, we're about to inherit an Irish
estate!" 

"Yeah, ain't it cool?" asked Nabiki.

"Man, I'm starving," said Ranma.  "Irish food, this'll be
great!"

Nabiki looked at Ranma with a catty grin.  "You don't even
know what Irish cuisine is, do you?"

"Sure I do!" said Ranma confidently.  "It's, er, like,
steak!  And ham!  And lots of corn, right?"

"That's right, my boy!" said Genma from the front.  "Isn't
that right, Tendo?"

"Oh, I'm sure of it, Saotome!" agreed Soun enthsuiastically.

                     *

They stared at the table, not entirely sure what to say.

The cook presenting the dishes seemed happy, at least.

["And here we've got corned beef and cabbage, and o'er here
is some boxty, some baked & stuffed herring, lamb stew,
pot-roasted chicken, dressed cabbage..."]

Aside from Akane and Nabiki, nobody had a clue what the cook
was saying.  Again, they just took the cook being happy as
a good sign.

Ranma took a fork and hauled a large slab of corned beef on
his plate.   He poked at it experimentally, then smelled it.
"Well... certainly better than-"

-thump-

A quick stomp on the foot from Nabiki cut him off.

"Saotome," she said, "were you born with your foot in your
mouth?"

Meanwhile, Genma and Soun looked over the table of Irish
cuisine with curiosity and an analytical eye.

"They sure are sure fond of boiling things," observed Genma.

"Quite fond of potatoes too," added Soun.

"Yes, very fond."

They both folded their arms in perfect synchronicity, then
nodded.

Soun spoke first.  "Let's eat."

"Right-ho!"

Large chunks of beef and lamb were quickly cut up, and the
first bites were taken with some hesitation but no major
objections.  Mostly, they chewed thoughtfully on their food. 

Soun was the first to voice his opinion.  "Hm... not bad...
but... there's something missing... I can't quite name it."

Genma adjusted his glasses in a sage-like manner.  "I think
I can name a few things.  Nodoka?  Did you bring them?"

"Of course I did, Genma.  Here."

She handed him a pair of chopsticks, with which he began
eating with a more relaxed and comfortable manner.  "Makes
it feel a little more like home."

"Ah, good point, Saotome!" said Soun.  "You wouldn't happen
to have an extra set, would you?"

Genma laughed heartily.  "But of course!"  Nodoka passed
another set of chopsticks to Soun, then they resumed eating.
On the third bite, though, Genma stopped again.  "Is it just
me, or are these dishes a bit..."

"Mild?" guessed Soun.

"Bland?" asked Kasumi.

"Needs salt?" wondered Akane.

"Slightly better than Ak-"

-thump-

Genma nodded.  "Once again, I have come prepared.  Nodoka,
pass the soy sauce."

Ranma frowned.  "Ya know, dinner just ain't the same without
rice." 

                     *

Meanwhile, from the small window on the kitchen door,
several eyes peered at the MacSweeney Tendos.

["Wot're they duuuin naao?"] 

["They're eatin' dinnah wid pointy sticks, Angus."]

["S'wrong with th' bloody silveware?"]

["Must be'em foreign ways, y'knoo.  M'cousin's a sailor,
e'said them folk eat with chapsticks."]

["Bloody fookin'ell!"]

["Wot?  Wot naew?"]

["They're pourin' some vile black piss inta yer stew,
Angus!"]

["Wha?!  Ay'll be fooked!  Wot sorta nastiness issit they're
pourin' in there?!"]

["Looks unnatural, it does!"]

["Aaargh!  Naoo they're ruuuinin the potatoes!"]

                     *

With the moon passing high over the MacSweeney estate, most
of the staff went home for the day.  

Nabiki, being the data addict that she was, pulled out her
laptop and tied up the castle phone lines for the rest of
the night.

Kasumi, not used to having no chores, decided to pay a visit
to the kitchen, and perhaps get a few interesting recipies.

Nodoka was somewhere with Genma.  She'd whispered in his ear
something about wanting to see how manly he still was.  Some
things are best left in vague detail.

Soun Tendo turned in early for the night, feeling a bit
tired from the trip.

This left Akane and Ranma with absolutely nothing to do.

Again, it was a moonlit night.

And they were alone.

In a castle.

Of course, the spirit of romance utterly failed to descend
upon them immediately.

"So why the heck do I havta walk with YOU?"

"This place is kinda creepy at night, okay?" sniped back
Akane.  "It's not like I'm asking much."

"Aw, with your looks, you'll probably scare the ghosts
away."

                     *

"Mmm.... did you hear something, Gen-chan?"

"Hm?"  Genma remained still for a moment and listened.  "Ah,
it's just Akane hitting the boy again.  Now where were
we..."

                     *

"Akane!  Wait up!"  yelled Ranma.  "Stupid girl can't take a
joke.  Sheesh."  

He ran down the stairway after her, and soon the two were
walking along the castle grounds, their footsteps echoing
across the cold stone floor. 

Moonlight shone through the castle windows, and the gentle
wind whistled now and then, falling upon tapestries,
sculptures, and portraits.  Ranma followed Akane silently,
for once knowing when to shut up. 

"You know, I used to pretend to be a princess in her castle
when I was a little girl," said Akane.

"Hey, really?" asked Ranma.  "Considerin' how many times you
get in trouble, I guess I'm your knight in shining armor,
huh?"

Akane thought about that.

Slightly insulting, it was, but also flattering.  Might as
well take it as a compliment, since it was just too nice of
a night to be fighting.

"I saw a garden maze when we were driving in," said Akane.
"Let's go take a look at it."

Ranma frowned.  "At night?"

"It can't be that bad," said Akane confidently.  "C'mon!"

"I dunno..."

"What's the matter?" asked Akane teasingly.  "Chicken?"

"What, me?  Heck no!  Let's go!"

                     *

Ranma sighed.  "I don't believe we're lost."

"Okay, maybe this wasn't such a good idea," admitted Akane
sheepishly.

"Gee, ya think?" mumbled Ranma.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing."

The maze was made of thorny bushes, ten feet high, as well
as several marble fountains and stone walls.  In the
darkness, hints of patterns and images could be seen cut
into the bushes and chisled into the walls, but they hadn't
really been paying attention.  Their attention was focused
on the journey.

"So this is how Ryouga feels," muttered Ranma.

Akane frowned.  "Stop making fun of Ryo-"

"WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW?!"

The two of them blinked.

Akane spoke first.  "Could it be..."

"It... might be," said Ranma.  "C'mon, I heard it over
here!"

They rushed through the maze, turning several corners, then
stopped again.

Ranma scratched his head, puzzled.  "I coulda sworn I heard
him just over... huh."  he sighed and shrugged, then turned
back to Akane.  "Oh well.  C'mon, let's keep on... hey,
what'cha staring at?"

She was blushing, hands covering her mouth in a most
Kasumi-esque manner, and staring at a large stone slab. 

"Hey, what's the matter?" asked Ranma, poking her shoulder.
She jumped at his touch and blushed even more, looking down
at the ground.

"Um, Ranma, take a real good look around."

"What?  More hedges and junk."

"No, Ranma, _look_ at it."

Crazy girl, he thought, it was probably something stupid
like WHOA!

In intricate detail and interesting variations there
were engraved many figures.  Men. Women. Men and women.
Men and men.  Women and women.  They were clearly... ah...
frolicking... though Ranma never knew that people... um...
frolicked... in those positions.

He blushed.  A small trickle of blood ran from his nose.  At
first, he turned to Akane, then realized that more of the
same... frolicking... was cut into the bushes.  Staring at
all of that with her standing next to it sent his head
spinning in directions he didn't want to go.

So he quickly stared at the ground, exactly like Akane was
doing.

It was a moonlit night.

They were alone.

The Spirit of Romance really did try to get in on things,
but as fate had it, the Spirit of Romance would always come
up short with those two.

Though there were those who tried to help anyway.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

The two nearly jumped out of their skins as Nodoka suddenly
appeared behind them.

"M-mom!"

"Aunt Nodoka!"

Their blushes raged into deep red, terminal embarrassment
threatening.

"You two are engaged, are you not?" asked Nodoka.  "It's a
romantic night out, you two are alone.  Son, be a man for
her."

"B-but it ain't AAAGH!"

The two young "lovers" were shocked again as Genma sprang
from the bushes and stood by Nodoka, looking solemn.

"Indeed boy," he said with a booming voice.  "And if you
didn't have a clue, there are, after all, plenty around
you." 

Gee, pop, thanks for reminding us, thought Ranma sourly.

And yet another individual emerged seemingly from nowhere.

"Oh my!  Shouldn't they wait until they're married?" asked
Kasumi.  "Oh, what curious figures these are on the bushes."

"Kasumi?!" both Ranma and Akane yelled in shock.

"Great, what's next?" asked Ranma.  "Maybe Mr. Tendo'll-"

"MY LITTLE GIRL IS ALL GROWN UP!  WAAAH!"  Soun's cries
echod through the night, the megaphone in his hand booming
his already loud voice.

"Daaaad!  Cut it out!"

"NOW THEY'LL BE READY TO MARRY AND CARRY ON THE ANYTHING
GOES SCHOOL OF MARTIAL ARTS!"

"Ack!"

["Ey!  Who's makin' all the fecking noise!"]

["Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, what's going on?"]

"Daaad!" whined Akane.  "Let's just go back inside, okay?"

"I agree," said Nodoka.  "A bed would be more comfortable
for Ranma and Akane."

"Mooom!"

"OH MY LITTLE GIRL!  IF ONLY HER MOTHER COULD SEE HER NOW!"

["SHUT THE FECK UP!"]

And so The Spirit of Romance left that little castle in
Ireland, once again utterly defeated.

                     *

Somewhere in Ireland...

["Ouright, ye little bastard, tell us where y'keep the
feckin' pot'o gold."]

"I don't know!  I don't know!  Let me goooo!" screamed
Happosai.

["Douglas, y'sure this's one'a the little people?  I dunna
recall them spaekan in soocha funny language."]

["Ugly little beastie, too, innit?"]

                     *

Sunrise found Soun and Genma atop one of the castle walls,
watching the sun rise.  The shogi board was in its customary
place between them, and fresh, steaming cups of tea were by
their sides.

"Y'know, Tendo, it still feels a bit awkward."

Soun nodded.  "Do you suppose a goldfish pond in the main
courtyard would help?"

Genma thought about this.  "Well... maybe."

They both drank their tea, took a deep breath, then sighed.

"Refreshing air, though," said Soun.

"Indeed," said Saotome.

They both had a particularly vexing dilema on their minds.
At first, this seemed to be an ideal situation, too good to
be true.  However, as Akane explained after the lawyers
explained it to her, they could only keep the inheritence if
they stayed in the manor and made it their residence.

"Made a decision yet, Tendo?"

"Not yet, Saotome, not yet."

                     *

The kitchen staff of the MacSweeney castle watched with
curiosity as Kasumi Tendo took control of their kitchen.

It was partly curiosity, since they wondered just what the
new lord of the manor ate, and partially because they just
found Kasumi so enchanting last night as she asked them in
her rough English about traditional Irish recipies.

And so now they watched with rapt curiosity as Kasumi
prepared a japanese dish.

["'ey, Angus, there's more'a that black piss.  Suy Sosu, Ah
think she calledit."]

["S'nae so exotic, now is it?  Look there, s'just chicken
onna stick, innit?"]

Humming merrily, Kasumi went from the recently finished
yakitori to the rice cooker, checking on the contents
inside.

["Aye, an'there's the rice."]

["'erd them asians live on th'stuff."]

["Ech.  Cannae imagine doooin that."]

And then she brought out some fish, sliced them carefully,
de-boned them, and then laid them out on a tray.  As she
prepared the sushi, the cooks were puzzled.

["Wot, issat it?"]

["Hold on, Angus, she's still doin more."]

["Wot's this?  She's puttin' on some green pasty goo on th'
rice naaaw.  Wonder wot it tastes laik?"]

One of the cooks went to Kasumi and pointed at the wasabi
and generally conveyed that he wanted to taste it.  Kasumi
nodded and offered him a squeeze tube of it.  Recklessly, he
squeezed a large amount of it onto his finger, then he put
it in his mouth.

["Well?  ow'sit taste?"]

["AAAAAAAAAH!  Feckin'HOT!]

As he ran off to get a glass of water, the other cooks
continued watching Kasumi.

["Nae a lotta boiled things."]

["Dinna think she boiled a thing, actually."]

["And nary a potato on anything."]

And then, placing several of the items on the tray, Kasumi
picked it up and began walking to the door.

["Hey.  She dinna cook tha fish."]

One of them ran up to her and pointed at the sushi.  ["Miss
Kasoomi, ye fergot ta cook the fish!"]

["It okay,"] she said in her reassuring voice.  Not noticing
the cook's astonished look, she merrily left the kitchen,
with all the uncooked fish, unboiled food, and absolutely no
potatos with her.

["Shite.  Now that's a strange diet, that is."]

                     *

Between lunch and dinner...

"Decided anything yet, Tendo?"

"Not yet, Saotome, not yet."

"There must be a way to keep this cash cow and yet continue
the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts."

"Don't worry, Saotome, we'll think of something."

                     *

As dinnertime, rolled around, Ranma and Akane ate very
little while the others ate their Irish cuisine with a bit
more gusto than before.  They were apparently getting
accustomed to it.

Ranma and Akane weren't.

"Hey, Akane," asked Ranma.  "Can ya ask if they have some
take-out joints around here or something?  I kinda miss
normal food."

"I know what you mean," said Akane.  "I just can't get used
to this stuff.  I'll be right back."

She excused herself from the table, then went to find the
kitchen staff and hoped they wouldnt' be too offended.

["Excuse me, ladies'n gents, I was hopin' you'd be able
t'help me'n my fiancee."]

The kitchen staff in general smiled and nodded.

["Sure, lass, what be troublin'ye?"]

["Would ye need some advice on... y'knoo... issues o' the
bedroom?  Eh?"]

Akane blushed while the staff giggled and snickered.

["That's enough outta you lot,"] said Akane playfully.
["Actually, me'n Ranma were gettin a bit homesick for some
home cooking, an' I dunna want t'bother Kasumi forrit.  Is
there any Chinese or Japanese takeout in town?"]

["Aye, but it's in the next city, y'see."]

["Mai's, I think it was called."]

["Aye, that was it.  Mai O'Donnel-Chan, o'the Joketsuzo
O'Donnel-Chans."]

["Well established family, that."]

Akane blinked.  ["Joketsuzo?"]

                     *

"So, any luck?"

"Nope, sorry."

"Aw, man."

                     *

Genma and Soun relaxed once more atop the castle walls, this
time with Nodoka by Genma's side as they relaxed in a
post-dinner afterglow.

"Made a decision yet, Tendo?" asked Genma.

"No, not yet," said Soun.

"What are you two talking about?" asked Nodoka

"Whether to keep this interesting estate," explained Genma,
"or to reject it and return to Japan so that our children
may continue the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts."

"A very vexing dilema," added Soun.

Nodoka blinked.  "Ah... why can't we have both?"

Genma laughed heartily.  "Why, that's simple!  Because..."

"Yes," agreed Tendo, "because..."

"Ah..."

"You see..."

"Er."

"Hm."

Genma finally frowned.  "She's got a point there, Tendo."

                     *

Elsewhere, Ranma and Akane were once again wandering the
castle grounds, but this time staying inside of it.  They
walked on the high castle walls, towers, and stairways,
fascinated by the beauty of it all.

"Still kinda weirds me out," said Ranma.  "You bein' Irish."

"Yeah, I still find it strange too."

"You mean your dad never told you?"

Akane shook her head.  "No, not really."

"Huh."

"So, Ranma, do you think my dad'll really stay here?"

He shrugged.  "Hey, it's a lot of money.  Wouldn't blame him
if he did."

"I guess you're right but... I'm going to miss everyone back
home."

Ranma frowned.  "Well, hey, you've still got me."

The Spirit of Romance zoomed away, giggling madly as it at
last finally scored a hit.  It left Ranma realizing what
he'd said, and absolutely embarrassed about it.

"I mean, er, well," stumbled Ranma.  Akane smiled at him,
that cute smile that he never got tired of seeing.  The
smile that helped further ruin his speech patters.   "Er,
not that I, y'know..."

And of course, this warm and fuzzy moment wouldn't last.

"RANMA!  AKANE!"

The two of them screamed in surprise as Soun and Genma
suddeny jumped into the scene, both looking terribly proud
of themselves.

"Jeez, pop, what's the big idea?!"

"Ranma!" boomed Genma, pointing down at Ranma with
authority.  "Tendo and I have decided upon what the future
of the Tendo and Saotome lines shall be!"

"Indeed we have," agreed Soun.  He turned dramatically
towards the two, nearly giving them whiplash as their heads
snapped back in reflex.  "Ranma!  Akane!  We shall remain in
Scotland-"

"Ireland," corrected Nodoka as she stepped into the room.

"We shall remain in Ireland," continued Soun, "while you two
return to Japan to continue your education and training."

"And when you are done with college, Ranma, Akane," said
Genma, "You shall return here and train with us."

"And then you two shall contine the Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts and Shepherding!!!"

Soun and Genma looked even more pleased with themselves.
Nodoka seemed happy as well.

Ranma and Akane stared at their parents in shock.

"Martial arts... shephearding?" asked Ranma.

"Aheh... I'm sure they'll forget this stupid idea," said
Akane nervously.

"Yeah," mumbled Ranma.  "Hey, it could be worse..."

                     *

"Cretin!  I ask again, where is the Tendo Castle?!"

["Hands off, ye daft slanty-eyed, stick-shakin' hooligan!"]

                     *

<"Cologne!  What a surprise?  What are you doing in this
part of the world?">

<"Oh, just checking in on my future son-in-law.  Have you
met my great-granddaughter?  Shampoo, come over here!">

                     *

["Wot'sat yer eatin, Brian?  Looks like a meat pancake, it
does."]

["Dunno, but is'nae bad.  Some fine lassie is sellin' it
offa her cart down the road.  OO-kayo, ah think she called
'erself."]

                     *

"WHERE IS THE TENDO DOJO?!?!"

["Tendo?  There's Tendos livin' in the keep down the road,
there is."]

"There is?!?! WHICH WAY?"

                     *

Ranma shuddered.  "Suddenly, I got a bad feeling about
this."

                     *

              the feckin' end

                     *