ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu (Ranma al'Thor <John Biles>)

Author's foreward:

     This story is a parody of various bad fanfics I have 
read.  Expect Gratuitious sex, Gratuitous abuse of the 
English Language, and huge amounts of bad musical 
accompaniement.  

Anyone who asks me where this fits in the Ranma--Putting 
Your Heart in the Right Place continuity is wasting their
time.  This doesn't fit in any continuity...

Enjoy!


{music cue: Mr. Tambourine Man, the William Shatner 
recording} 

     The moon shone down on Ranma's bedroom.  Once again, 
Genma-panda had rolled over on Ranma and was forcing him 
awake by squashing him flat.  Ranma shoved his pop off him 
and rubbed his eyes.  "Stupid old man.  I wish he'd at least 
bother to turn human before going to bed.  Baah.  Now I've 
got to..."
     He now realized someone was standing in front of him.  
A mysterious figure in a t-shirt and jeans.  He racked his 
brain, wondering what horrible foe had returned to do battle 
with him this time.  Some fiancee his father hadn't 
mentioned yet?  Someone he bumped into on the playground who 
stubbed a toe and swore eternal vengeance?  Some otaku come 
to muscle in on his territory and write some ego-swelling 
fantasy about running around beating up everyone in this 
universe?  The first harbringer of an invasion from another 
dimension with no apparent purpose other than to get Ranma 
and his friends into a lot of fights?  Or maybe it was just 
an insurance salesman with another lawsuit.  He waited for 
the mysterious figure to announce itself.

     The moon reflected off the figure's glasses and for a 
moment, Ranma wondered if maybe it was just Mousse after a 
haircut and a wardrobe change.  But the figure lurking 
silently in the shadows was too short to be Mousse.  The 
figure looked down at Ranma.  "Hiya, old buddy.  Time for 
another story."

     Ranma blinked and looked more carefully.  Yang?  Tai?  
Nope.  Wasn't asian.  Gallegos?  Elvis?  Gedaneken?  Nope.  
He'd recognize any of them.  King? Nope.  No blood dripping 
off the walls and no monsters in sight.  King always had a 
monster escort.  De la Cruz?  No...this guy didn't look 
serious enough.  Couldn't be Hosmer either.  Not serious 
enough and no sounds of battlesuits and mechs in the 
distance either.  Gagne?  What did Gagne look like anyway?  
He always got his communiques by computer from 
him...Stone...it had to be...no wait, this guy just didn't 
seem Canadian.  Ranma wasn't sure how he could tell...but he 
knew this couldn't be Stone...or Demain...Wrong 
attitude...wrong look.  He wasn't drooling either.

     The clouds drifted away from the moon and the figure 
was lit up.  He was wearing a red t-shirt that said 
SECURITY, and a pair of black jeans.  He had short ash-blond 
hair and a pair of battered gold rimmed glasses.  For just a 
few seconds, Ranma felt like he was seeing some incredibly 
twisted reflection of himself.  Horribly twisted...Suddenly 
he realized who this had to be.  Biles.  Ranma shook his 
head.  "I ought to recognize this guy by now.  I've 
certainly starred in enough stories he's written.  Heh.  
That was pretty slick the way I manuevered to seize control 
of that Right Place story back from ol' Gosunkugi.  Oh was  
he mad.  But he did get a cute girlfriend out of it.  I 
think he talked Biles into making me get my curse back,"  
Ranma thought.

     The man smiled.  "No, I planned that from the very 
beginning.  Well, from the moment I realized an effort to 
cure your curse was inevitable."    He pulled over a chair 
from the desk, apparently settling in for a while.  Ranma 
sat up.

     Ranma cursed himself mentally for forgetting that 
authors can read their character's minds, then cursed 
himself mentally again for bothering to not say it aloud 
since Biles would hear it anyway, then stopped himself 
before he could get trapped in a recursive mental loop.  "So 
what's up?  Here to give me the low down on the next 
Furinkan Summer Episode?  You're not planning on starring 
yourself in your next story and beating me up and taking the 
best women in town are you?  Is this a type 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 
story?"

     Biles smiled.  "I'll leave that to the professionals.  
No, I've decided to do a parody.  I suppose it would be 
categorized as a type 3...with some type 5 and 2 added for 
flavor.  Oh, and type 1 as well.  Heck, might as well throw 
in type 4 just to make categorization harder."

     Ranma perked up.  That could be fun.  "A parody of 
what?"  Images sprang through his mind.  The Ta'averen 1/2 
project was kinda fun, even if he still couldn't get used to 
fighting with a sword...or being engaged to Akemi of all 
people...even if that was gonna change...Bubblegum splash 
was fun too, even if he was a girl all the time.  Ranma 
enjoyed singing, but would never admit it out loud.

     "Okay, Ranma.  I'll let you sing in this one too."  
Biles smiled again...the smile of the all-knowing one.

     Ranma almost cursed himself again, then stopped since 
Biles would hear that too.  "So what are you parodying?"

     "Lots of hackneyed Ranma 1/2 plots ...especially two 
kinds of story."  Biles shifted forward in his chair 
slightly.  

     "Will you get to the point?"  Ranma asked.  Biles 
ALWAYS rambled if you didn't make him get to the point.  

     "Lemon stories and gratuitious alien Invasion stories.  
And all powerful Otakus writing themselves into the story."

     Ranma counted in his head.  "That's three."

     "Whatever.  So how does it sound?"  Biles leaned back 
in his chair.

     "I'm going to be ill.  You want me to put up with all 
three of those things at the same time?  Well, the first 
part isn't so bad, but the last two make me gag.  I'm not 
going to do it!  No way!"

     Biles raised an eyebrow.  "You can't stop me you know."

     "You think you can stop me from walking right out of 
here?"  Ranma said.  "MAs don't stop fists very well."  

     "Go right ahead.  Please.  I invite you to step 
outside."  Biles smiled again.

     Gears rumbled inside Ranma's brain.  Did Biles want him 
to go outside?  Or to stay here?  How could he best thwart 
Biles' plans?  Unfortunately, Ranma forgot Biles was reading 
his mind.  While Ranma was distracted, Biles quietly made 
the final preparations.  The story was about to begin.

     Biles said, "Come on Ranma.  This will be a lot more 
fun if you play along.  Besides, I know that deep down you 
want to sleep with Akane, anyway. "

     Ranma turned red.  "What makes you think I want to 
sleep with a sexless tomboy like Akane?"

     Biles smirked.  As Ranma said that, Akane opened the 
door.  "Who are you talking to, Ranma?  Oh, hi, Biles-sama."  
As she heard him say that, her face turned red.  "Who's a 
sexless tomboy?"

     Blushing, Ranma said, "Uh...him.  Yeah.  Err...Okay!  I 
was talking about you!  He said I wanted to sleep with you!"

     Akane glared at Ranma, "A sexless tomboy, eh?  You 
don't think I'm a sexless tomboy, do you, Biles-sama?"

     Biles sidled over to Akane, smirking at Ranma.  "Not at 
all.  I think she's very attractive.  You don't mind if I 
take her, do you?"

     "WHAT?  She's my fiancee!"  Ranma shook.  Only the 
knowlege that  this had to be some kind of trap kept him 
from breaking all of Biles' bones.  

     Akane smiled at Biles.  "Maybe I should get a different 
fiancee.  He thinks I'm attractive, unlike you.  He's not 
too bad himself, either."   She put an arm around him.  He 
leaned down to kiss her.  Something in Ranma's brain 
exploded.  Trap or not, this was too much.

    He leaped at Biles, feet first!  "Get away from my 
fiancee!"  Biles and Akane side stepped and Ranma flew out 
the window, which flared brightly.  He vanished.

     Biles smiled.  "Thanks for helping, Akane."  He, Rippongi 
Akemi, and Akane had planned this well.  Ranma would find 
himself in the first scene when he arrived.  And then it would 
be too late to escape.  No one gets out of Biles' fortress of 
solitude.  Too bad they had to fire the first script writer.  
And the new guy hadn't shown up yet, something about a mock 
exam.  Baah.  Well, Akemi said she had a really great idea 
for an opening scene.  Biles trusted Akemi's judgement.

     Akane smiled back.  "No problem.  That's what he gets 
for calling me a sexless tomboy."  They kissed long enough 
that Ranma would have had a heart attack if he had been 
watching.  "Mmmmm.  That was good.  So how many sex scenes 
do I get?"

     "You get to seduce Ryouga for one thing.  Lots.  More 
than you can take."

     She smiled evily.  "Really?  I can take quite a bit."

     "Going to put your money where your mouth is?"  He drew 
closer to her.  She smiled and drew him in for a kiss.  And 
then....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Ranma 1/2:  Lemonade
By John Biles
This story is dedicated to :
to everyone brave enough to post a Ranma fanfic to the net 
and especially to all those I'm making fun of here :)
to Rumiko Takahashi, without whom all of us Ranma Fanfic 
writers would probably be writing stories with Giant Mechs 
trashing each other for no apparent reason :)

to my indestructible canadian ally and #1 fan, Kahm-Himesama

to Mr. Pizza Man, the company without which I would never 
have been even half bored enough to come up with all the 
ideas for this story.

to my mailing list for all their constant help and 
assistance

and finally to all my cohorts at AnimeMush for their 
feedback and evil ideas!  (Orlando..please don't kill me for 
what I've done with your character in this story :)

(Random Character Theft notes:  Akemi and Kappa Bang in 
Interlude 1 created by Jeff Yang for Ranma University.  Mimi 
stolen from Ninja High School.)
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
{music cue:  "Domino Dancing", The Pet Shop Boys)

     Warmth all around him.  Ranma smiled.  He liked warmth.  
Especially since getting the curse, Ranma was becoming quite 
a heatphile.  Warm meant he was male...cold was the emblem 
of female.  No water here.  Wherever here was.  For a 
moment, Ranma wondered where he was and what he was doing.  
He had just finished...something.  Something that left him 
with a nice warm glow.  Relaxed.  So relaxed.  He was on top 
of...something.  Something warm and soft.  He could feel 
sheets on top of him.  He must be in bed with...someone.  He 
got his vision to focus.  Some part of his brain registered 
that this always seemed to happen after...orgasm?  Who was 
he in bed with anyway?  

     Nabiki smiled, bemused.  Ranma always zoned out after 
sex for a bit.  Did some part of his brain realign maybe?  
She ran a finger up and down his back, idly speculating on 
whether perhaps it had some connection to his curse.  She 
watched his eyes focus and tilted her head up to kiss him 
softly.  "Ranma.  You awake in there?"

     Ranma heard the voice. Eyes snapped into focus.  
"Nabiki...-chan."  Nabiki smiled more.  Ranma always became 
more affectionate after sex.  Not quite like most men who 
just passed out afterwards.  Indeed, he was usually at his 
best after a good tumble, in her opinion.  Perhaps it was 
because it was the only time he was really relaxed.  "That 
was wonderful...If only..."

     "If only what, Ranma-kun?"  Nabiki moved her hand up to 
gently tug his braid, moving the other hand up to gently 
stroke his cheek in a circle.  She felt his weight pressing 
her into the sheets.  The sheer control he had over his body 
never ceased to impress her.  If only he wasn't so 
completely uneducated and violent most of the time, she 
might have made a move to take him away from her sister.  As 
it was, this let her get the best aspects of him without 
having to put up with the bad ones.

     "If only you weren't charging me for this..."  Ranma 
sighed to himself.  Sure he could get free sex any time he 
wanted...but that meant going to Shampoo or Kodachi...and he 
didn't trust either of them not to try and warp his brain in 
the middle of it...or the start...or the end for that 
matter.  Shampoo had a body that wouldn't quit.  But if he 
ever zoned out around Shampoo, he knew he'd be in China by 
the time he woke up.  Ukyou wasn't that kind of girl.  And 
Akane...She hated him.  They had hit it off on the wrong 
foot, and things had only got worse.  The worst part of it 
was he didn't hate her.  But he kept hurting her without 
meaning to...she just couldn't take a joke...and when she 
yelled at him, he just couldn't stop yelling at her.  
Slowly, he had felt a growing attraction to her despite her 
total lack of everything he thought he was looking for in a 
woman.  And then there was Nabiki...the woman he had just 
had incredibly good sex with...her sister.  Akane would kill 
him if she ever found out.  He didn't want to have an affair 
with Nabiki...it had just happened...He thought she was as 
surprised as him, really.  The next time someone asked him 
if he wanted a special massage, he fully intended to make 
sure they defined what made it special in advance.  He was 
hooked now.  He needed the release, and there was nowhere 
else to get it except from Mr. Hand and Nabiki was a lot 
more enjoyable than Mr. Hand.

      Nabiki shook her head slightly, her hair mysteriously 
remaining in perfect order despite the long ordeal it had 
just undergone that would have reduced most people's hair to 
abject defeat.  "Consider this one a freebie, Ranma."  She 
tugged his pig-tail again.  It was fun to play with.

     He narrowed his eyes.  "A freebie? " Nabiki didn't do 
freebies.  There was always a price.  

     "Can't I be generous on occassion?  It's not as if I 
don't enjoy doing this.  "  Ranma looked confused.  She 
giggled inside her head.  Ranma needed things expressed 
clearly and concisely.  He was no fool...but he had lacked 
human contact when he was a child to learn to pick up on 
subtleties of speech and emotion.  "I liked it, Ranma.  
I like you, for that matter.  I'd rather just talk with you.
Consider that the price if you will."  Her finger moved under
his chin, the other hand stroking his neck.  

     Ranma hmmed.  Nabiki had to be up to something.  But 
talk was cheap.  And for once, he felt like it.  At least 
Nabiki was feminine in bed.  Women liked to talk after sex.  
And cuddle.  So did Ranma, but he refused to admit it or 
draw any logical conclusions from those facts.  He moved his 
idle hands, one sliding up under Nabiki's neck, the other 
moving to stabilize him in his position on top of her.  He 
felt her warm body wiggle a bit under him.  Relaxing more, 
he kissed her softly on an impulse.  She smiled back at him.  
"Mmmm.  You're so warm."

     She giggled softly, her face relaxed in a smile that 
would have made her unrecognizable to most of those who knew 
her.  "Is that all you have to say?"  An impulse of 
curiousity struck her.  "Is Daisuke really planning to ask 
Sayuri out this weekend?"

     Ranma smiled back and said, "Yeah.  Apparently he wants 
to do a triple date.  Him and Sayuri, me and Akane, and 
Hiroshi and Yuka.  It's gonna be a disaster."  He grumbled a 
bit, then said, "You know how well Yuka and Hiroshi get 
along."

     Nabiki nodded.  "Ever since...you know.  Yeah."  
Actually, she had no idea they didn't get along.  But she 
was about to find out.  Ranma was an excellent source of 
information.  And when he was relaxed and happy, she could 
easily get it all out of him.  She reassured the little 
accountant in her head that the information she was getting 
would outweigh the payment she would not be recieving.  She 
had never charged Ranma all that much anyway.  Really, it 
was more intended to reassure him that she wasn't trying to 
manipulate him in some subtle fashion, than it was intended 
to make a profit. If he thought of it as him buying a 
service, he would trust her not to blab or to be using him. 
After two months of this, he was slowly growing to trust her 
and actually talk to her outside bed as well.  Not only was 
this profitable...she enjoyed him being more friendly to 
her. Most of the guys at her high school thought she was 
going to just milk them for presents and food and never get 
anything in return.  As a result, she had few male friends, 
and all of her past dating relationships had turned to 
poison.  Of course, most of them had been right to think she 
was just using them.  But the men she had really liked had 
never been able to trust her as a result.  If only she 
hadn't extorted all that caviar from Mikhail, the russian 
exchange student.  That had really been the last straw for 
her reputation.  But how else was she going to get caviar in 
this penniless household?  And she deserved it.  It was her 
keen financial mind that kept this house of unemployed 
freeloaders and high school students afloat.  That and the 
money Kasumi was making as a part time nurse down at the 
Ogenki Clinic.  Nabiki wondered how a part time nurse could 
be making so much money, and whether the clinic could use a 
part-time masseuse...but time enough to worry about that 
later.  The real thing to worry about was whether Akane had 
come home yet.  Because if she had, it was all too possible 
that the beatings were about to commence.  


     Akane, she thought.  If only you and Ranma would either 
break it off or get it together before you drive us all mad.  
He really cares about you...I can tell.  And I think you 
care about him.  Hmm.  Maybe I can do something about 
that...Yes.  I can feel a plan forming already.  As long as 
Ranma is smart enough not to tell you I've been sleeping 
with him for the last two months.  Hmm.  Better not count on 
that.  Well, I certainly never planned this...

     Nabiki's mind wandered back to how this had all 
begun...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Obligatory Flashback #1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Music cue:  "She works hard for the money", Donna Summer.}

     Ranma was having a rough day.  Ryouga attacked him 
during class and they both had to stand in the hallway, 
holding up the ceiling, which was threatening to collapse 
because some students in the upper story had brought a tank 
in as part of some preparations for a school festival.  He 
had gotten rained on during Gym Class and had to sprint to 
the Men's shower to change back...right as the soccer team 
was coming off the field.  That had been embarrassing.  Then 
the fashion club kidnapped him to use as a modelling dummy.  
He finally escaped by leaping out a window...right onto 
Akane.  His face had landed right between her breasts.  That 
had earned him a triple-slap and gotten him his latest 
problem...a hard on that just wouldn't go away.  "I can't 
believe I got this from such a sexless tomboy," he grumbled 
to himself.  The only other time it had been this bad was 
after seeing Akane, Kasumi, and Nabiki naked that one time.  
He could feel it inside his pants, starting to ring the 
bongos in his brain.  There was only one way to stop himself 
from searching for relief...He hated to do it, but it was 
less embarrassing than the danger of being caught applying 
the other solution.

    Ranma strode past Nabiki, who was lying on the floor in 
the living room doing leg exercises.  He paused, noting her 
slender legs as they moved up and down, bending, lifting, 
stretching.  Nabiki had quite a nice body.  His mind began 
to drift back to that time in the bathouse...He yanked his 
braid to distract himself and turned to the kitchen to get 
that bucket of water.  He strode over to the sink and turned 
on the tap.  Nothing.  He blinked.  Then he saw the note 
from Kasumi:  <Water shut off for three hours for line 
repairs. Will be back in time for dinner.  Gone to clinic 
for a massage, Love, Kasumi.>


     Ranma's hand quivered and so did various other parts of 
his anatomy.  He wouldn't be able to turn female and get 
some relief.  Wait, the pond!  He ran over to look outside.  
The pond had been drained to get rid of a bad algae 
infestation.  Baah!  No water there either!  He felt so 
tense, especially his manhood.  His mind began running 
through a list of possible places he could find to remain 
undisturbed long enough to...

     His reverie was disrupted by Nabiki.  She was lounging 
in the doorway, one slender leg raised up alongside her 
head.  Years of practice had made Nabiki incredibly 
flexible.  If she had actually sought out martial arts 
training, she would probably have been the best in her 
family.  Ranma ran his gaze down her leg, stopping just 
before he would have been gazing somewhere men are not 
encouraged to gaze at on a woman.  She said, "Ranma...you 
look tense."

     "I am tense.  What do you care?"  Ranma felt himself 
shake a bit.  He hated this, hated the loss of control, 
hated the need to fulfill physical urges that didn't bring 
him any pleasure, just a vague feeling of guilt afterwards.  
He wanted to do this with a girl...even...  He shut that 
line of thought off.  It would have required admitting 
attraction to a sexless tomboy.  And that was something his 
pride would not let him do.  It also didn't let him think 
about why an encounter with her would leave him this horny.

     Nabiki smirked at him.  Ranma was horny as hell and she 
knew it.  It would be easy to get some money out of him for 
a good massage.  And after reading The Joy of Swindling 
People Who Want SEX, she had plenty of other ideas as well.  
"For just 1000 yen, I'll give you a massage.  I'm sure it 
will take your mind off your troubles."  And she had been 
wanting to test out her massage training anyway.  She had 
mostly taken it so she could gaze upon the hunky 
instructors, but she had come to enjoy it as well.  Anyone 
who could calm down Ranma when he was this horny would show 
themselves a true master of massage, and Nabiki liked to 
excell in whatever she did.

     Ranma said, "1000 yen?  This had better be a really 
special massage!  And if I'm not relaxed afterwards, I'm not 
paying."  He knew he had to add that or he might just get a 
five second massage.  

     "Hey!  I gave you a discount 'cause you're almost 
family.  At a massage parlor, you'd pay a lot more than 
that."  She was giving him a discount.  But charging him 
more was pointless.  When she had rifled through his wallet 
this morning, he only had 1500 yen, so asking for too much 
would just get her nothing at all.  She visualized Ranma 
laid out on a futon with his shirt off.  Start here, here, 
and here, she thought, visualizing points on his back to 
apply pressure to first.  

     He narrowed his eyes.  "Promise that no matter what, 
you won't stop until I am fully relaxed.  And I'll throw in 
another 300 yen."

     "Throw in an IOU for twice that if I can do it in less 
than 15 minutes and it is a deal."  Odds on that weren't 
very good, but it shouldn't be too hard to relax Ranma.  
That special technique should work perfectly.  She offered 
Ranma an arm.  

     He took her arm.  He felt a wave of sensation run 
through his body, like a squirrel on acid.  His manhood 
twitched again.  This had better be good, he thought, or I'm 
going to really embarrass myself.  I can't hold out much 
longer.  

     She lead him upstairs to her room, and dragged a futon 
out of the closet.  Getting a bottle of strawberry scented 
massage oil out of the closet, she said, "Lie down and take 
your shirt off."  He raised an obviously suspicious eyebrow.  
"What, you want me to rub oil into your shirt?"  The eyebrow 
fell and he quickly undid the front of his shirt, hands 
moving at a rapid pace.  The shirt got tossed aside.  Nabiki 
looked up and down his muscled chest. She felt a tingly 
sensation on her skin, especially on her upper chest.  
Brushing the impulse aside, she grabbed his shoulders and 
lay him face down on the futon.  Applying the oil to her 
hands, she then began to gently rub his back, applying 
pressure at key points as taught to her by Sven-sensei.  She 
remembered working with him, his muscular arms stroking her 
back, as he eased away her tensions, teaching her to 
recognize where she was touching and being touched by the 
feelings her body gave her.  The wondrous, glorious 
feelings.  Bringing her body to life...so that it was not 
just a tool, the way she had always treated her body.  She 
smiled happily at the memories, her body tingling, As she 
kneeled at Ranma's side, part of her mind was in the past 
remembering a full body massage...the rest directing her 
body in a zen like trance, moving up and down Ranma's back, 
slowly easing the tension from his muscles.  

     Meanwhile, Ranma lost himself in a haze of fantasy and 
memory.  Past battles ran through his mind.  His first 
transformation.  His training.  Meeting Akane.  Seeing Akane 
naked.  Ukyou's return.  Ukyou in that skimpy dress from 
that prince's island.  Punting Kunou into orbit.  Whapping 
pop in the head.  Shampoo popping up naked in the bathtub.  
Kodachi reaching to kiss him.  Punting Ryouga into orbit.  
Being seduced by some goddess or something for no apparent 
reason.  Seeing Nabiki naked.  Nabiki who was now running 
her hands along his bare back...Suddenly Mr. Hard On was 
back in double force.  The rest of his body was marvelously 
relaxed, but the need was growing even stronger.  No, I 
won't fantasize about that tomboy or her mercenary sister.  
I won't.  I won't...

     Nabiki blinked.  Why was Ranma saying, "I won't." over 
and over?  What kind of weird half-dream could he be having.  
She snapped out of her reverie and realized her whole body 
was tingling.  Her breasts shook a bit and the tingly 
feeling grew.  Great.  I'm trying to get him unaroused and 
now I'm aroused.  She looked down at the much more relaxed 
Ranma.  His bare back was fully relaxed now.  But to finish 
the technique, she would have to roll him over.  "Ranma.  
You need to roll over so I can do your chest."

     Ranma moaned a bit.

     She sighed and rolled him over.  There was a quite 
noticible bulge in his pants, but the fabric held for now.  
Her tingling got a bit worse.  His arms were clutched in 
front of his chest, in an almost protective pose.  She 
sighed and tried to spread his arms.  He resisted.

     "Ranma, move your arms or I'll take off your pants."

     Ranma snapped out of it.  "What?"

     "I need to massage your chest.  Before your body beats 
me to it in the tension relief competition."  Ranma blushed 
and spread out his body.  She rubbed her forehead a bit.  
She felt warm.  Applying more oil, she began to rub his 
chest and apply strategic pressure.  She watched his slowly 
pulsing, straining manhood press against his pants, using it 
as a barometer of success.  Nothing seemed to help.  It kept 
fighting, even as Ranma's chest relaxed.  A stray thought 
ran through her head.  "You may have to use the ultimate 
Technique."  She ran over that thought with a steamroller.  
She couldn't.   It would be a betrayal of her family.  And 
she wouldn't make enough of a profit to make it worth it.

     She tried every trick in the book, but nothing helped.  
The fifteen minutes were long gone.  His manhood seemed to 
be taunting her in morse code or something, and it took half 
her concentration not to try and interpret its movements 
that way.  

     Ranma said, "I feel really relaxed, except..."  She 
nodded.  "Isn't there something you can do?"  He fought down 
a mental image of her taking off his pants and...  No.  He 
wouldn't do that.  Not to her. That would be a betrayal of, 
well, of common decency.  Yes, that was it.  It certainly 
wasn't because of, well, no, of course not.  He did not want 
to go find Akane, strip her naked, and make love to her 
until they passed out.  Nope.  Not at all.

     Nabiki felt herself tingling with excitement.  Who's 
gonna give me a massage after this, she thought.  He's got 
such a nice body...so muscular.  Touching it just makes me 
feel good.  She caught herself trying to interpret his 
manhood's motions as morse code again and stopped herself.  
"Only the ultimate technique can help you now, " she said.  
That was foolish.  Now she was going to have to use it.  
That was bad, right?  Or then again...he was handsome, with 
a nice body.  A body that was turning her on in a major way.  

     "Do it!  Do anything!  Just get me unaroused!"  He 
blushed as he realized he had given away his problem 
explicitly.  He waited for Nabiki to laugh at him.

     To his surprise, she simply gazed at him.  He saw her 
face was a bit red.  If he didn't know better, he would have 
thought she might be aroused too.  But he knew Nabiki only 
wanted men for their money.  She couldn't possibly be 
aroused.  

     "Anything?  At all?"

     "I don't care if you have to throw a cat at me!  Just 
do it!"  He then cursed himself for giving her the idea of 
throwing a cat at him.

     For a moment, Nabiki contemplated finding a cat.  Then 
she decided the dojo could not afford any more property 
damage today.  "Do I have your word you won't make me stop 
until I finish the technique?"

     "What, you think I'm not brave enough?"  Nabiki nodded.  
"Hah!  I can take anything!  Bring it on!"  Some dim 
rational part of his brain noted he had just given Nabiki a 
blank check.  But he didn't care.

     Nabiki nodded and took each of his hands with one of 
hers.  She paused.  Do I really want to do this?  She looked 
down at his desperate, but handsome face.  He looked horny, 
pathetic, and alluring at the same time.  It was time to 
cross the Rubicon.  Time to roll the dice.  Time to go for 
broke.  Time to...stop making literary allusions and do it.  
Goddess, please don't let Akane come home, she thought.

     She pulled his hands towards her, to her waist.  She 
guided them up inside her shirt, sliding up her stomach 
until they touched the base of her small, firm breasts.  She 
placed them there, then shucked off her shirt.  Ranma gazed 
at her with shock in his eyes.  His lips moved,  but no 
sound escaped them.  This was the point of no return, the 
rubicon, the place from which she could not turn back, the 
time of decision, the, the time to stop making metaphors and 
start making whoopee.  

     She looked down at him and smiled.  "Feeling afraid, 
Ranma?  Never done this before I suppose?"  She hadn't.  
Sven had been able to teach her the Ultimate Technique...but 
she had never actually been able to follow through on 
it...something always happened.  The gas went out.  The 
ceiling collapsed.  The bed caught on fire.  The Sweedish 
Bikini team crashed through the ceiling in desperate need of 
a massage.  She had suspected Ranma was a virgin too...any 
non-virgin would have been in bed with Shampoo by now...or 
very strong-willed.  She wasn't a virgin by choice--She 
spent two months trying to get to use the Ultimate technique 
with Sven,..he had the best body she had ever seen and knew 
how to use it...but then...then...She felt the mental tingle 
that meant a flashback was coming on.

~~~~~~~Obligatory Flashback within a flashback #1 ~~~~~~~~~~

{Music cue:  Music from any scene depicting a flashback to 
the destruction of the temple in Kung Fu:  The legend 
continues}

     It was a hot summer afternoon at House of Massage.  
Once again, Nabiki had come to try and finally demonstrate 
her mastery of the Ultimate Massage technique.  She had long 
awaited that day.  The massage room had been carefully 
prepared.  It was non-flammable.  It had a nice open window 
so there would be enough air.  There was just a futon so no 
one could fall out of bed.  The phone was off the hook.  All 
the bills were paid.  And absolutely no one had been 
informed where they were.  Nothing could go wrong.  There 
was a faint rythmic paddling noise off in the distance from 
the river, but what importance could that have?

     Nabiki smiled.  Finally, she would get to experience 
true rapture.  The Ultimate Technique.  Months of 
frustration would end at last.  Sven, a true blond 
Norweigian god smiled at her.  He was clad in little more 
than a towel, as was she, for they had just taken a long 
relazing steam bath together.  Rarely had Nabiki ever been 
this happy.  Now as long as Daddy never found out, she was 
about to experience true ecstasy.  "Lie down, Sven-sensei."

     He smiled and lay down.  "Begin with a simple back 
massage."  She began to slowly ease the tension from his 
magnificent body.  Somewhere, the paddling stopped, but 
Nabiki didn't even notice.  Soon he was almost fully 
relaxed.  There remained only the final step.  The Ultimate 
technique.  She reached down and lifted his hands placing 
them on her chest just below her breasts.  Her body ached 
for his touch, tingling with desire.  Then there was the 
sound of a low chant.  "Bork Bork Bork"  over and over and 
over and over and over.  Was it mentioned that they were 
repeating themselves?

     Nabiki concentrated.  This had to be just another test.  
This time, she would bring the Ultimate technique to 
completion.  Then she looked down and saw Sven's face.  It 
had turned grim.  "Nabiki.  Grab your clothing and run.  
They have found me at last.  I must acquit myself as a true 
son of the northlands."  He got up and threw on some 
clothing.

     Nabiki hustled for her clothing.  Again they were 
interrupted.  But this time...it was different.  Sven wasn't 
laughing.  The chant got louder.  Something was ramming 
against the door.

     Sven said, "Jump out the window!  Run!"

     Nabiki hesitated.  "Should I call the cops?  Who are 
they?"

     "Some old enemies of mine.  Run!  Don't let them see 
you or they'll hunt you to the ends of the earth!  And if 
you see a longboat, stay away from it!"

     Nabiki stopped at the windowsill.  "Will they..."

     "I will always remember you.  One day...you will get to 
use the Ultimate Technique.  I trust you will use it wisely 
and well.  Live long and prosper."  The door shook and one 
of its hinges popped off.  It sagged.  "Now go!"

    Nabiki leaped out the window, but hesitated and turned.  
She saw the door fall and the axe weilding, chainmail 
wearing vikings break through.  Sven-sensei grabbed the 
first one, throwing him across the room and stealing his axe 
from him.  He cut down a second viking and a third, but it 
was clear there were too many for him.  She turned and ran, 
crossing the nearby bridge over the river.  The house began 
to burn as she looked back at it.  Down in the river, the 
vikings mannning the docked longboat gave up a cheer.  "Spam 
Spam Spam Spam!"

  She glared at them.  They had taken away her sensei...the 
only man she had ever loved.  One day, she would make them 
pay...pay...pay.  "I shall not forget you, Sven.  I will 
make your proud of me!  And you will be avenged."

~~~~~End of Obligatory Flashback within a flashback #1 ~~~~~

     Nabiki felt a flush of warmth at the memory.  She was 
still looking for those vikings...and when she found them, 
she intended to sue them into the ground.  They would rue 
the day they slew her Sven.  She looked down at Ranma.  She 
would complete the ultimate technique!  Not for herself, but 
to show her devotion to her master, to show he had taught 
her well.  Her hands slipped behind her back and whipped off 
her bra in one swift motion.,  Her breasts jiggled a bit. 
Ranma's hands twitched.  He stared, but did not nosebleed.  
She guessed that perhaps seeing himself naked as a female 
had rapidly gotten rid of that reflex.  Then she saw just 
the tiniest trickle of blood come out. Her body quivered.  
Her beautiful form had actually gotten through his defenses.  
She leaned forward slightly, guiding his hands to slide up 
her body onto her breasts.  

    His eyes got bigger.  For a moment, he seemed to 
struggle with himself.  She wondered what he was thinking.  
She guided his hands to slowly stroke her breasts, feeling 
them grow warmer and tingle in the wake.  Suddenly he 
wrenched his hands free.  She stared.  Was he going to stop?  
Please don't stop, she thought.  His hands lunged behind her 
pulling her down into a fierce embrace.  His tongue slid 
between her lips, searching deep into her mouth, kissing her 
with unleashed passion.  She shook with delight.

     And that day, Nabiki finally performed the Ultimate 
Massage Technique to exquisite perfection.  It took about 
two hours, because they decided to try it again a few times 
just to make sure they got it right.  Finally, they were 
both so relaxed they could hardly move.  They lay in each 
others arms.  Nabiki saw Ranma zone out for a few seconds 
and thought, "Just like a male...and some male he is.  
Mmmmmm."  Then Ranma zoned back in.

     He gazed into Nabiki's eyes, "That was 
wonderful...Nabiki-chan.  I never realized how beautiful you 
are before.  And so soft and feminine...you never really 
seemed feminine before this..."  

    She relaxed in his arms.  "Mmmm.  You're quite a 
handsome guy, Ranma.  Was it worth the money?"

    He smiled.  "Definitely.  A true bargain. "  Gently 
stroking her cheek, he said, "I guess I have a lot more to 
learn from you than I ever thought possible."

    "And I have a lot to teach.  And my lessons are always a 
bargain for family.  And you may be teaching me a few things 
yourself.  I certainly enjoyed tonight's lesson."  He pulled 
her closer and kissed her again.  As the sun began to set, 
they lay in each other's arms, happier than they had been in 
a long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of Obligatory Flashback #1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     For a moment, Nabiki wondered how she had incorporated 
insights into what Ranma was thinking when she wasn't around 
into her flashback.  Then her brain returned to the matter 
at hand, the handsome hunk of manflesh she was holding in 
her arms.  Should she help him out with Akane or keep him 
for herself?  There was a time when the answer would have 
been help him and charge him heavily for the service, but 
now she wasn't so sure.  She might help him for free...or 
try to keep him.  But could they sustain a real 
relationship?  He would always be special to her, just as 
Sven-sensei was special...but could they have a future 
together?  It would be easy to get the engagement 
switched...if they both wanted it.  But she was pretty sure 
he still cared for Akane, little as he wanted to admit it.  
Should she stand in their way?  Would she be able to take 
not sleeping with Ranma anymore?  All the other handsome 
guys in town were either morons, lost all the time, 
egomaniacs, or afraid of her.  She sighed.  She would just 
have to take this one day at a time.

{Music cue:  YMCA, by the Village People}

     Both of their minds were in turmoil as they talked of 
many things, of leather strips and sealing wax, of cabbages 
and kings, and if the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs 
have wings.  Well, actually, they talked about people they 
knew, places they had been, hopes and dreams and 
aspirations. Finally, Nabiki said, "Akane's going to be home 
soon."

     At that very moment, they heard the sound of footsteps 
coming up the stairs.  And a voice broke the brief silence, 
"There you are P-chan."  It was Akane.  "I need to ask 
Nabiki something, P-chan."  Ranma and Nabiki froze like deer 
in a headlight.    

     Ranma sprang into action rolling backward, flipping up 
onto the windowsill and leaping to the roof.  Nabiki 
breathed a sigh of relief.  Then she noticed he had left his 
clothing scattered across the bed and floor.  As Akane's 
footsteps closed in on the door, she sprinted over, grabbed 
the clothing and tossed it out the window.  As the doorknob 
began to turn, she sprang back into bed, pulling her 
clothing in with her.  

     Ranma shivered a bit on the roof as a chill wind blew 
by.  I left my clothing in the room, he realized.  Then he 
saw his clothing fly out the window, tumbling through the 
air down to the edge of the pond.  Great, just great, he 
thought.  I'm now stranded butt naked on the roof.  And my 
clothing is twenty feet down right past Nabiki's window.  

     Nabiki pulled herself together and put on her best 
yawny sleepy look.  Akane smiled.  "Look at you sleeping in 
the late afternoon."

     Nabiki rubbed her eyes.  "Just got...tired."  She faked 
a yawn and stretched.  The sheet fell revealing her chest.  
P-chan got BIG eyes and then tried not to look.

     Akane smiled again.  "Stop squirming P-chan.  She's not 
a pig, so it doesn't matter."  P-chan bweed loudly.  Nabiki 
laughed a bit.

     "You've got such a cute little pig.  Hey, he's got a 
little piggy nosebleed."  Nabiki reached out and tickled P-
chan's nose.  P-chan started to glare then closed his eyes 
again.  "Maybe he's desperate for female companionship."

     "I don't think that's the problem", Akane said.  For a 
moment, she smirked in a way that reminded Nabiki uncannily 
of how she herself looked when she knew a secret no one else 
did.  Then the smirk faded to a natural smile.  "I'm just 
kinda surprised you're not downstairs exercising at this 
time like you usually do."

    "I just kinda felt worn out, so I decided to take a nap.  
Is Kasumi home yet?"

     "She's been home for about twenty minutes, I think.  
Smiling and happy as usual.  I'm going to help her cook 
dinner."

     Ranma heard this on the roof and instinctively made 
loud gagging noises.  Akane blinked.  "Did you hear 
something?"

     "Must have been an owl, Akane," Nabiki lied poorly.
  
     Akane blinked.  "An owl?  On our roof?  Maybe I should 
go check."

     "No, don't worry.  An owl won't hurt anyone."  Not like 
Akane would hurt Ranma if she found him on the roof naked, 
anyway.  She paused.  She heard something coming...something 
coming fast.  Out on the street?  It sounded like someone 
running...loudly.  She ignored it to focus on the disaster 
at hand.

     The wind cut through Ranma's skin like a knife.  He 
shivered and gagged at thought of Akane's cooking.  Then he 
noticed the cloud of dust on the road.  A cloud that was 
heading right to the front door of the dojo.  And then 
inside the dojo.  Who could it be?  

     "I had better be sure."  She headed towards the window.  
Ranma froze up like a cat watching an on coming car.  What 
could he do now?  But salvation came with red hair and a 
sailor fuku.  The sound of running feet erupted up the 
stairs and into Nabiki's room right as Akane moved for the 
window.  A red haired girl dressed in a sailor suit moved 
through at about 2000 MPH, carring a giggly blond girl 
saying, "WWWWHHHHEEEEE!!!!!!"  A-ko trompled over Akane and 
leaped out the window and across the yard to a rooftop, then 
took off roof hopping.  While Akane was distracted, Ranma 
swan dived off the roof into the pond.  Splash!

    The cold water closed in around him.  His entire body 
tingled, the sensation spreading from his hands and head 
along his arms and torso, through his entire body.  The 
water washed away his masculinity, which shrank and was 
reabsorbed into his body, replaced by a crack beneath his 
pubic hairs. His hair turned red, and his bones reconfigured 
themselves subtly.  The tingling grew fiercer.  His breasts 
swelled larger and larger; the nipples changing color 
slightly.  His face and skull altered in subtle ways.  Then 
the tingling sensation faded, leaving only a slight feeling 
of excessive sensitivity in the most changed parts of her 
body.  He was now a she.  He barely noticed the changes.  
Except when she was really aroused, or looking in a mirror, 
Ranma-chan barely noticed which form she was in any more 
unless other people made a point of it.

     Ranma-chan clambered up out of the water and started 
getting dressed.  By the time Akane made it to the window, 
she was fully dressed.  Akane stared down at him.  "Ranma!  
Did you just step on me?"

     "That wasn't me!  I just fell in the pond."  Akane 
glared down at him suspiciously.  "IT wasn't me!  Why won't 
you listen to me, you untrusting tomboy?"

     "Tomboy?  TOMBOY?  YOU CALL ME A TOMBOY?  RANMA NO 
BAKA!"  Akane hefted Nabiki's bed, stuffed it through the 
window and hurled it at Ranma-chan.  Too bad Nabiki was 
still in it.  Ranma-chan leaped up to the screaming Nabiki.  
Akane blanched at her error.  Ranma-chan gathered Nabiki 
into her arms, letting the bed plummet into the pond.  She 
landed in the windowsill glaring at Akane.  Nabiki herself 
had buried her face in Ranma-chan's neck and shoulders.  
Akane stared at them for a moment.  Memories of times Ranma 
had carried her like that flitted through her mind.  Raging 
jealousy that it was Nabiki, not her that Ranma was 
carrying, did battle with guilt over throwing her sister out 
the window.  Ranma simply stared at her silently.  The 
silence tipped the scales. An accusation in the eyes was 
worse than one on the lips.  And she couldn't argue with 
something unspoken.  And...was that pain in Ranma's eyes?  

     Akane dropped her gaze and stared at the floor as 
Ranma-chan hopped out of the windowsill and carried Nabiki 
over to the closet and set her down.  Nabiki blushed a bit 
and ducked inside.  She tried to summon the anger to squash 
Ranma but she couldn't.  She had endangered her sister over 
nothing but a suspicion.  And only Ranma had been able to 
save Nabiki.  She waited for Ranma to berate her, but he 
said nothing.  Would she actually have to apologize?

     "Akane, " he said.  She froze.  Here it came.  The 
yelling, the recriminations.  But this time it was her 
fault.  "I'm sorry I yelled at you."  She froze more.  
He..what...but...this time it was her fault.  She didn't 
want to apologize.  He.  He had actually backed down.  Was 
he sick?

     Akane looked up at Ranma-chan, who was shuffling her 
feet.  "I shouldn't have yelled at you."  He had to be sick, 
she thought.  Or maybe, just maybe, oh could it be?  Her 
body tingled ever so slightly.  Perhaps he really did like 
her?  She didn't think it was possible.  But sometimes she 
hoped desperately he felt for her what she felt for him.  
Did he find her attractive?  Did he dream of her at night?  

     Apolgize.  She didn't want to, but she had to.  
Especially if he had done it.  "I'm sorry I threw Nabiki's 
bed at you, Ranma.  I just thought you had run me over and 
leaped out the window with some blonde girl."

     "I don't know any blond girls.  They're kinda rare 
around here, you know."  Her voice grew a little more 
normal.  Ranma-chan sighed with relief inside her head.  
Akane didn't have a clue what had been going on.  Akane.  
How I wish you felt for me what I feel for you.  I've been 
betraying you.  I'm sorry.  I...I really do care about 
you...even if you are a tomboy.  

     Ranma...you baka.  I...I l..l...care about you.  I just 
wish that I knew if you cared about me.  What would you do 
if I kissed you?

     They drifted closer together.  Half-looking at each 
other, half-staring at the floor.  Nabiki finished dressing 
and stepped out of the closet, very, very quietly.  They're 
going to kiss, she thought.  I can't believe it.  Especially 
after he just finished being with me.  Well, it's about 
time, but still, it does seem like he's a rather fast mover.

     Then P-chan bit Ranma-chan on the butt.  Ranma-chan 
leaped to the ceiling and glowered at P-chan.  "You stupid 
pig!"

     To P-chan's surprise, Akane picked him up and shook 
him.  "Bad boy!"  P-chan stared mindlessly.  

     From below, Kasumi called out "Dinner!"  

     Ranma said, "Come on!  Let's eat!  I'll settle matters 
with you later, P-chan."  He sprinted off to dinner with 
Kasumi and Nabiki following at a more leisurely pace.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Meanwhile, at Biles's Story Command Center, the cast 
and crew were hard at work.  Biles had hired a new script 
writer and wanted to test him out.  Godai Yusaku was hard at 
work on one of Biles's new computers, the Computerniichuan 
1000.  It has the new Jyusenkyo '95 operating system, the 
only operating system that lets you transform your computer 
from an IBM clone to a Mac clone and back just by applying 
hot and cold water.  Biles had hired Nene Romanova to 
network a bunch of them together, so Godai had all the sheer 
power of 30 Jyusenkyo '95 work stations, plus the 
Computerniichuan 3000 (which changes between a Braniac clone 
and a Cray clone with hot and cold water respectively) they 
were all linked into for networking.  With Nene's special 
software, he could choose to raid any computer in the world, 
pillage it dry, and steal all the best parts.  He could 
telnet and multimush into 7890 sites simultaneously from 
this station alone.  He could start world war III just by 
hitting F666.  Unfortunately, Godai was still trying to 
master the concept of clicking on a file to open it.

     But he kept plugging away, working on the script for 
the next scene.  Biles appeared by his side, as if by magic.  
(It was.)  Akane was hanging on him as if attached by 
superglue.  (She wasn't.)  "Is the script ready for the next 
scene?"

     "Um, just as soon as I figure out how to start up Word 
Perfect."  Godai frowned.  He had to do well at this job!  
He would make Kyoko proud of him!  Bailesu had promised him 
riches beyond his imagination if he wrote well!  He would 
come home and humiliate Mitaka!  Then Kyoko would finally 
see what he was really worth!

     Akane blinked and slightly untwined herself, looking at 
the computer screen.  "This system doesn't have Word 
Perfect.  It has Jysusenkyo Word '95."  She called up the 
program for him.

     Biles frowned.  "In other words, you haven't written 
nada."

     "Uhhhhh"  Godai succinctly said.  "You aren't going to 
destroy me, are you?"

     "I am a merciful and horny god.  The horny part won't 
help you."  He squeezed Akane,  who planted a kiss on his 
cheek.  "But the merciful part will.  Just get writing.  
We'll have to pull some filler footage.  Make heavy use of 
stock footage."

     Bailesu's directorial assistant, Rippongi Akemi, 
appeared from nowhere and said, "What stock footage?"

     "I don't know!  Go find one of my unfinished stories 
and stick a long enough scene in that Godai will have time 
to finish the scene after it."  He turned and kissed Akane.  
They began to snuggle in a way that said, Everyone go to 
work, we're going to ignore you and make out.

     Akemi sighed and headed down to the tape vault.  Yet 
another Akemi looked up.  She sighed at Rippongi.  "Come to 
argue with me again about our name?"

     Rippongi smiled. "The boss wants me to find something 
from the tape vaults.  Unused footage."

     The other Akemi smiled, pushed back her glasses, and 
shook her green hair.  "I have just the thing."  She pulled 
out a dusty roll of film that read, "The Adventures of Pen 
and Pencil, episode 1".  Finally, something with her in it 
would be shown again!  She cursed her incompetent agent for 
hooking her up with that one TV contract.  It looked good, 
but the rate of production was far too slow.  Two episodes 
in as many years?  Bleah.  But now, the world would see her 
true Genius.

     "Great.  Thanks, kid."  Rippongi Akemi poofed off to 
show the boss.  Akemi grunted.   Hmph.  I'll show your 
little horny self who's the kid one of these days.

     
---------------In Biles's Story Command Center-------------

########################Interlude #1########################

    BZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!  The alarm went off in Nabiki and 
Akemi's room at 7 AM.  Akemi rolled over and went back to 
sleep.  The back up system kicked in at 7:30:  Nabiki 
started yelling in Akemi's ears."GET UP!  GET UP!  GET UP!"
     

     Akemi leaped out of bed, looked at the clock and 
panicked.  Twenty minutes later she was ready to go, and 
only fifteen minutes away walking distance from her first 
class.  She grabbed Tenpiko from beside her bed.  "Akemi's 
going to have to teleport, or she'll be late."  She waved 
Tenpiko in the air.  "Off to class!"  She vanished in a  
poof of smoke and a bright green flash, leaving Nabiki 
blinded and coughing.
     

     She appeared in front of the Miyazaki Building, home of 
the fine arts department.  Unfortunately, she needed to be 
at the Fuji Building, home of the Language departments.  She 
was supposed to be going to her Japanese Composition class.  
Everyone around her seemed to be screaming and running away 
for some reason.  She turned to try to see what they were 
running from.
     

     It was a sorcerous duel.  Akemi hadn't seen one of 
those since she was very little.  Kappa and Mimi were facing 
off across a water fountain.  A lot of frogs, toads, and 
slugs bearing various SU insignias were wandering around the 
fountain.  Mimi was dressed, not in her usual puritan 
outfit, but in a black and white one piece low cut bathing 
suit, with a black cape.  Her hair flowed freely over her  
shoulders and she wasn't wearing her glasses, perhaps 
because of the glowing red light coming from her eyes.  She 
was slowly blasting the waterfountain to bits and 
occassionally turning someone into a toad,  frog, or slug.  
Whenever she did that, Kappa cast a spell at her, but she 
didn't seem to notice.  
     

     "Join me, Kappa, and you shall have power beyond your 
imagining.  Refuse and I shall destroy you."  Mimi began to 
levitate.
     

     "I knew we shouldn't have hired a gaijin."  Kappa began 
a spell that Akemi recognized as The Hand of Stone.  It 
would cause the ground to reach up and grab Mimi, binding 
her arms.
     

     "Insolent Wretch!  I, Preceptor Mimi Masters, am a 
greater being than you shall ever be!  And any gaijin could 
do better than a washed up incompetent like you!"  She began 
to gesture with one hand, and pulled out a small bag of 
powder from thin air with the other. 


     Akemi concentrated on the thought of wind.  Soon, the 
wind picked up and yanked the powder from Mimi's hands.  It 
blew away.  Akemi smiled.  For once, her magic had worked 
right!
     

     Mimi scowled and turned to Akemi.  "The pup has chosen 
to sacrifice herself for her degenerate master, I see."
     

     Akemi said, "Akemi is not a pup!  Why are you doing 
this?"
     

     "I have seen the light!  Now I follow the path of true 
power.  You can serve me, or I shall have to get rid of you.  
No more groveling service for me!"  She gestured and an 
invisible hand grasped Akemi tightly, pinning her arms to 
her sides.  "And now for you, old man."
     

     However, Kappa had finished his spell.  The earth 
reached up and grabbed Mimi, pulling her down and burying 
her up to her head.  She laughed, and ripped the ground 
open.  But while she was doing that,Kappa broke the spell on 
Akemi.  Akemi began trying to focus on putting a dome of 
energy over Mimi.  Mimi broke out of the ground, as Kappa 
began trying to draw a huge circle in the ground around 
where Mimi was.  Mimi began to levitate and fired an energy 
blast at Akemi. The energy dome stopped the blast, but broke 
and collapsed.  Akemi had to hit the dirt to dodge a second 
blast.  She concentrated and stepped through hammerspace, 
hoping to come out behind Mimi.
     

      Instead, she ended up on Mimi's head, overloading her.  
Mimi crashed to the ground.  Kappa continued his circle.  
Mimi picked up Akemi and threw her at Kappa, but Akemi cast 
a flying spell. It didn't seem to work.  She crashed into 
Kappa, and Mimi flew out of the circle before it was 
finished.  "I won't fall for that twice."  She began another 
spell. 

      
      Akemi now realized she was floating a half inch off 
the ground.  She thus avoided the crack that opened up 
underneath her when Mimi finished her spell.  Kappa, 
meanwhile had run to one side and started another spell.  
Sirens rung admidst the buildings as Campus Security showed 
up.  Mimi turned to them, "Go now or be destroyed."
      

      "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but turning people into amphibians 
is against campus regulations.  You're going to have to come 
with us,"  the lead campus security officer said.  Mimi 
began to laugh.
      

      "How about mammals, then?"  Mimi turned them all into 
mice.   Kappa finished another spell, and caught Mimi in a 
cage of ice.  Mimi broke it to bits.  Akemi started trying 
to think of another spell.  


      Mimi gestured, and now the earth swallowed up Kappa 
Bang up to his head.  "The old dog is done for.  Now the 
puppy shall join him."  


      Akemi was desperate.  She tried to cast a spell to 
break all the spells in the area, hoping it would free 
Kappa, and maybe cure Mimi.  As Mimi was about to finish her 
spell, Akemi waved Tenpiko, closed her eyes, and yelled, 
"Help!  Help!  Spells, spells, go away, come again some 
other day!"  Everything went silent. Tenpiko pulsed in 
Akemi's hands, spitting lightining into the sky.  The 
struck clouds began to pour down rain.  


      Mimi laughed.  "No wonder you have so much trouble if 
you can't even manage a simple spell to break spells.  What 
an idiot."  Then the plush bunny dolls began to rain from 
the sky.  Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, all 
falling on Mimi.  She tried to fly to one side, the fall of 
plush bunnies compensated and continued to pile up on  
her.  Also, the rain began to slowly free Kappa Bang by 
washing away the earth from him.  Tenpiko continued to spit 
lightning skyward.  


      The rain of plush bunnies ceased.  The lightning did 
not.  Mimi started another spell, but then monkeys typing on 
typewriters began raining down.  One of them was busily 
typing "To be or not to be. That is the..." as it struck 
Mimi in the head, briefly stunning her." 
      

      "What are you doing, Tenpiko?"  Akemi asked.  This was 
getting messy.  Now angry penguins were showing up.  The 
lightning bolt stopped.  Mimi finally was able to do her 
spell uninterupted.  A massive blast of fire surged towards 
Akemi....only to be stopped by a shimmering yellow shield.  
Kappa Bang had been freed by the rain. Now, he surrounded 
Mimi with a similar shield.


      "Surrender and we won't hurt you!"  Kappa hoped Mimi 
had not really gone crazy, but he couldn't let her run loose 
anymore.  As it was, it would take hours to fix this mess.  
They had had a running battle all the way from his apartment 
to this campus fountain that was now circulating wine 
instead of water.  The angry penguins were getting drunk on 
it.
      
      "I'll never surrender.  I'll be back.  You may have 
won this battle, but I'll win the war."  Mimi laughed, 
gestured, and disappeared in a foul burst of red smoke.
      

      Kappa Bang scratched his head.  "Well, time for us to 
clean up this mess, and then we'll need to get ready for 
when she comes back. I think she may be possessed.   I hope 
she can be cured. She would have made a good professor if 
this hadn't happened.  And at the start of the semester..."  

#########End of Interlude #1#########

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Rippongi Akemi said to Biles, "So, how did you like 
it?"  

     "It didn't have any sex."

     "You didn't say put any sex in it!  Besides.  We have 
NO stock footage of sex.  You don't normally do that kind of 
thing"  Akemi checked through her clipboard.  "I ran a 
check.  Absolutely NO sex in anything you have written.  Not 
even much heavy necking. "

     Biles cursed.  "Blast it!"

     Mr. Yotsuya lurked nearby, grabbing donuts off the 
studio table.  "Perhaps I can help you.  I have...some 
footage you can use while the ronin tries to get the next 
scene written."

     "Excellent!  Plug it in!  Plug it in!"  Biles caressed 
Akane and made impatient hand gestures.

     Mr. Yotsuya scuttled off to get the next clip.  Biles 
thought for a moment.  Who is that guy, anyway?

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center-------------
{Music cue:  Nights in White Satin, by the moody blues}

     Time passed.  The world almost came to an end because 
no one in Nerima was hitting each other.  Thus it became a 
necessity to add some pointless sex or violence to the 
world's events.  Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, all we 
can bring you is :


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   


     Hope you enjoyed that.  On with our story.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Ranma burst into the command center.  Biles and Akane 
were busy necking in the command chair.  "Akane!  Get off 
Biles!  We're on!"

     Akane blinked.  "Is this the scene, John-chan?"

     "What, Godai finished the script?"

     "Yeah.  Now come on, Akane!  Everyone is in place!"

     "Gomen, Ranma-kun."  She leaped over to Ranma and took 
his hand, then kissed him on the cheek.  He blushed hard.  
"You know I care about you, Ranma.  But we never get to DO 
anything.  I'm so looking forward to our love scene."  She 
snuggled closer to him.  

     Ranma turned red.  "Love scene?"  

     "John promised it would be even better than he 
and...Uh, even better than the one you and Ukyou get."  
Ranma blinked.

     "Ucchan and I get to..."  Ranma's brain smiled with 
anticipation. And Akane.  Just as long as Shampoo and 
Kodachi don't get a piece of me this time.  And if Biles 
tries to make me sleep with myself, I'll kill him.  Dead.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center-------------

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


{Music cue:  Be cruel to your school, Twisted sister.}
     The next day at school, Ranma was nervous.  Very 
nervous.  Akane kept smiling at him.  This was, to say the 
least, not normal.  Usually, he was lucky if she didn't hit 
him more than three times a day.  So far, she hadn't hit him 
once.  In fact, he found himself smiling back.  It was 
really kind of pleasant except for the feeling that the 
other shoe hadn't dropped yet.  At lunchtime, they headed 
outside.  He plopped down under a tree, and Akane plopped 
down next to him.  They were soon joined by Ukyou, Daisuke, 
Sayuri, Hiroshi, and Yuka in a rough circle.  Daisuke kept 
whispering to Hiroshi and poking him.  Sayuri kept 
whispering to Yuka and poking her.  Hiroshi and Yuka kept 
glancing over at each other like they had the plague or 
something.

     Finally, Daisuke leaned over to Ranma.  "Have you asked 
her yet?" he whispered.

     Ranma blinked for a moment.  Asked who what?  Oh, that.  
"Uh..." he cleverly answered.

     Daisuke elbowed him.  "Ask her!"

     Akane heard that.  Eyebrows narrowed.  "Ask who what, 
Daisuke?"

     Ranma erred.  "Um, Akane...would you...ah...like 
to...um...you know."

     Akane stared at him.  Sayuri elbowed her and whispered 
in her ear.  Akane's eyes got big.  She looked over at 
Ranma.  He stared in shock as a smile spread across her 
face.  "Sure, that would be fine, Ranma."

     Ukyou stared over at them.  "What are you guys talking 
about?"

     Akane smiled at Ukyou with just a hint of triumph.  
"Ranma and me and Daisuke and Sayuri and Yuka and Hiroshi 
are going on a triple date."

     Ukyou felt an icy hand grip at her heart.  Then Yuka 
and Hiroshi exploded.  "What?"  

     "I'm not going out with that gonad controlled moron!"

     "I'm not gonna ask out the living brain!  She's about 
as attractive as a three day old bento." 

     They glared at each other.  Ukyou smiled just the 
tiniest bit.  "You two sound like Ranma and Akane fighting."

     "WE DO NOT!" they said in unison.  Ranma and Akane 
blinked.

     "I'd rather go out with...uh...Hey, Ukyou, you wanna 
come on the date with me?"  Hiroshi said.

     Ukyou blinked.  Why hadn't Ranchan asked her out?  She 
felt hurt.  But at least this way she could come along.  
Probably it had been Daisuke and Sayuri's idea.  Sayuri was 
one of Akane's oldest friends after all.  "Okay."  She saw 
Ranma visibly relax.  She smiled over at him.  Akane's 
little ploy was foiled.  

     Yuka sputtered.  "Hey, what about me?"

     Hiroshi sneered at her. "I thought you weren't 
interested in a gonad controlled moron?"

     Yuka humphed.  "I'll find a much better date than you 
and make this a quadruple date.  And I'll have ten times as 
much fun as I would with you!"  

     Hiroshi glomped onto a rather surprised Ukyou.  "Hah!  
Ukyou is thirty times as fun as you would ever be!"  

     They got in each other's face.  "Oh yeah?"  "Yeah!"  
"HAH!"

     Ukyou stifled a smirk.  She could easily imagine Akane 
and Ranma doing the same thing.  This was going to be a real 
disaster of a date.  And if she played her cards right, it 
would end with just her and Ranchan, together at last.  Let 
the games begin.

     By this point, Hiroshi and Yuka were hitting each other 
with their lunches as Sayuri and Daisuke and the others 
tried to calm them down.  Ukyou smiled and joined in, 
pulling Yuka away as she tried to pour hot tea on Hiroshi's 
head.  Just be glad she didn't feed you some of Akane's 
cooking, Hiroshi, she thought.  Hmm.  I wonder who Yuka will 
ask?

     As they dragged her away, Yuka thought, who am I gonna 
ask?  Stupid Hiroshi wanting to go out with Ukyou when he 
could have a smart girl like me.  Hmph.  Baka.  I'll show 
him!  I'll have ten, twenty, no thirty times as much fun 
with...uh..someone.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------     
Biles ran over his notes.  Yes, things were progressing 
nicely.  Godai had written a good scene.  No smut, but hey, 
they had to develop the plot too.  The music, now that was 
another issue.  Time to call in the Music director.  
"Takashi!  Front and center!"

     Takashi, one of the stars of Video Girl Ai, had been 
unemployed since then.  So he had eagerly taken the job as 
Biles' music director.  He ran up, music in hand.  "Yes, 
sir?"

     "This music is totally inappropriate.  If you can't 
start matching the music to the scenese better, I will have
to feed you to the Daleks.  Or give you a love scene with Azusa."  

     Takashi visibly wilted.  "I will do better, sir!"  He 
saluted and moved out.  

     Yuka, Sayuri, Daisuke, and Hiroshi came into the 
command center.  "Thank you sir for giving us better roles!"  
Daisuke said.

     "I have real lines!"  Sayuri said.

     "I get to finally get kissed!"  Yuka said.

     "Oh, this is great!"  Hiroshi said.  

     "I will be counting on you to fill in if major 
characters cannot make it.  Are you ready for that?"  They 
cheered.  

     "YES!  We will do anything to get more screen time!  
Anything!"  They groveled in mindless abasement.

     "Good.  I need someone to play the part of the main 
henchman of the badguy.  Our robot ran off with L-Ron 
somewhere and didn't come back.  I choose...you, Hiroshi.  
Go suit up."

     Hiroshi ran off to the dressing room where Wasyuu was 
waiting for him.  "Thanks for volunteering to be a guinea 
pig for my experiment, boy!"  Hiroshi began to regret his 
enthusiasm.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%Interlude #2%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
{Music cue:  Tell me More, from Grease}

      V'ger, junior looked up from his monitoring station.  
"I believe I have found a world ripe for the conquering.  It 
is a class M planet in the SK system, dimension R."

     From his dark throne, the booming voice of V'ger's 
master spoke.  "Tell me more." 

     "Class M world, inhabited by carbon based life forms.  
The planet is rich in many minerals, including large 
quantities of untapped flubber and fruitcake.  The 
population is divided into three major races and three minor 
ones.  Two genders, digital watches, and home comuters."

     The basso voice boomed again.  "But are there babes?"

     V'ger sighed.  Did the master ever think about anything 
other than watching TV, conquering worlds, and babes?  
"Many, many babes.  Some of the best seem already tied to 
one man, according to a probabilistic estimation study."

   "What?"

     "They are taken already."

     "That can be fixed.  What is the best way to deal with 
this world's defenders?  And who are they for that matter?"

     "This dimension is noted for an abnormal level of 
supremely powerful martial artists."

     "Like dimension DBZ?"  boomed the powerful voice.  The 
robot's master clenched a fist.  Such martial artists could 
be quite dangerous.

     "Yes.  However, they have a weakness."  V'ger was proud 
of discovering this weakness.  His new sensor equipment was 
paying off.

     "HA HA HA!  There is always a weakness.  What is it?"

     "I have determined they are highly vulnerable to H-
rays."

     The mysterious figure on his ornate throne began to 
laugh.  "Yes.  H-rays.  An excellent idea.  Flood the entire 
dimension."

     V'ger made some calculations.  "I'm afraid we won't be 
able to pay our power bill if we do that, sir."

     "I anticipated that.  That is why I have collected a 
powerful natural H-ray source."

     "Natural, sir?"  V'ger raised a robotic eyebrow.

     The master punched a button.  Happousai could be seen 
in a large cage full of women's underwear.  A giant funnel 
hung under the cage, hooked into a large funky cannnon like 
device.  "This machine extracts H-radiation from Happousai 
and stores it in the H-cannon."

    "Excellent.  Initiating H-Ray bombardment.  Target:  
Nerima."

     The master settled back in his chair.  "It has begun."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%End of Interlude #2%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Biles sighed.  This music director wasn't working.  
"Akemi. Send in the Daleks."  Akemi punched a button.  

     Takahashi fled down the hallway, followed by the 
rythmic cry of "EXTERMINATE!  EXTERMINATE!"  

     Biles turned to Akemi.  "Promote the assistant music 
director.  That Madoka girl.  She plays Sax, right?"

     Akemi nodded.  "Have her do music for the next scene?"

     "Right.  Does this scene have any sex?"

     "No."

     "Hmm.  Going to have to talk to Godai about that.  I 
have a reputation to uphold."

     "He is upholding that reputation."

     "Okay. I have a new reputation to make then.  And see 
if Akane is busy right now."  Akemi smiled.  The boss said 
that a lot.  She went off to do her work.  

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center-------------
{music cue:  Centerfold, J. Geils Band}

     Later that day, Nabiki was over at Gosunkugi's lab.  
She had gone into partnership with him running photo 
development out of his basement.  There were a large number 
of people who wanted discreet photo developing, including 
themselves, and they were making a tidy profit.  

     She hummed a merry tune as she finished developing an 
especially nice print of Ranma-chan soaked to the bone after 
yet another dip in the Tendo pond.  Kunou had earned some 
bonus prints after buying 300 photos in one month.  
Sometimes she wondered what he was doing with all these 
photos.  She looked over at Gosunkugi, who was dressed in 
his shinto outfit again.  What was he up to this time?  He 
was adding some kind of funky salts to his film...apparently 
before he loaded it into the camera.  More magic, no doubt.  

     She finished that print, and started on another one.  
"What are you doing there, Hikaru-kun?"  She was the only 
person she knew who called him Hikaru.  Well, besides that 
Akemi girl.  It seemed to make him so happy, she could get 
him to do just about anything.  You had to be careful not 
to make Gosunkugi suspicious, or he would clam up on you.  
Or babble.

     "Magic film."  He sat back, chanting something softly 
as the noxious smelling liquid soaked into the film.

     "Lets you take pictures through walls or something?"  
Gosunkugi was noteworthy for his ludicrous magical devices.

     "How did you guess?"  Gosunkugi seemed shocked.  So was 
Nabiki.  Hmm.  That could be really useful if it worked.  
Ranma and Akane kept too close an eye for her to easily get 
good pictures anymore.

     She looked Gosunkugi up and down.  What would it take 
to get some of the film?  Money?  A date with Akane?  Hot 
passionate sex on the photolab table?  She contemplated that 
last option for a few seconds then shook her head.  Whatever 
made her think of that?  With Gosunkugi, the Addams Family 
representative in Nerima?  Bleah.  Still, she knew he 
wouldn't tell anyone.  And she was feeling a bit horny.  But 
what if he rejects me?  That would be humiliating.  No, 
surely he can see how attractive I am.  He may want my 
sister, but what man can..ack.  Kill this line of thought!  
Kill it!

     Nabiki grabbed the entire sleeping with Gosunkugi line 
of thought and jumped up and down on it.  I won't sleep with 
Gosunkugi, I won't sleep with Gosunkugi.  Then she realized 
Gosunkugi was staring at her, perhaps because she was now
saying that out loud over and over.

     "I wasn't asking you to sleep with me, Nabiki.  You're 
not my type, anyway.  Can you pass me the sodium chloride 
monophosphate glycomide?"  He pointed to a nearby silvery 
bottle.  Nabiki blushed hard.  

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Biles smiled.  Now Akane got the first of the juicy 
scenes he had promised her.  Hmm.  Where was Akane?  "Akemi, 
where is Akane?"

     "I think she's in her dressing room with Ranma, if you 
know what I mean."  Akemi smirked.

     "What?  She's gonna miss her first big scene!  Ack!  
Rewrite!  Godai!  Write Yuka into the scene."

     "What?  But why would she sleep with Ryouga?  And I 
think all this sex is a bad idea, anyway."   Godai said.  
Kyoko would never approve of this smut.  How had he let 
himself be trapped into this?  But he would turn it around.  
Somehow.  

     "Just do it!  I can think of a good excuse!  Hmm.  
Yuka, you willing to do this?"

     Yuka jumped up and down, cheering.  " A major scene!  I 
get to steal Akane's scene!  HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  She ran 
around in a circle, cheering.  

     "Where is Ryouga?"  Biles asked.  

     "Right here,"  Ryouga said from right behind John.  
John jumped in shock.  Akemi smirked.  

    "How do you do that?"  John asked.  Ryouga had a knack 
for just popping up.  He was never late, but you didn't 
notice him until you looked for him.  "Are you ready?"
     "I'm ready.  Where's Akane-san?" Ryouga asked.  He had 
been looking forward to this scene.

     "Akane?  Um... well, Akane's not feeling too well..." 
Biles stammered.

     "Yeah, she's laid up in her dressing room right now with 
R--" began Akemi.

     "ANYWAY, I've decided to put Yuka in this scene.  Don't 
worry, I'll have Godai write an even better scene for you 
and Akane... later."  Godai turned and looked at Biles in 
shock.  "What are you looking at, script boy?  Write!  And 
Ryouga, just get out there!"

     Ryouga did.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

{Music cue:  I touch myself, by the Divynls}

     Yuka sat by her phone, thinking hard.  Who could she 
ask on the quadruple date?  He had to be fun.  And cuter 
than Hiroshi.  Much cuter.  Her mind lingered on Hiroshi's 
image.  He was indeed good looking, so whoever she chose had 
to be five times better.  She felt a slight tingly sensation 
across her body.  It was pleasant, and she had already 
finished her homework, so she had nothing better to do.  She 
let her mind run through the list of handsome men that she 
knew.  Daisuke, Hiroshi (that unappreciative slime!), Ranma, 
Kunou, Ryouga, Youta, Takashi, Jinpachi, Keiichi, Ito, 
Taro...  The images ran together in her mind as she imagined 
kissing each of them one by one.  Their warm bodies pressed 
against hers.

     The tingling grew fiercer and the feeling of 
anticipation.  She got up and locked the door to forestall 
any possible interruption.  She closed the window and the 
shutters.  She installed iron plates on the ceiling, walls, 
and floor so no one could crash through them.  Taking the 
phone off the hook, she lay back on the bed.  Now she could 
do this in peace.  She hated herself for doing this...but 
being a bit character meant she never got a boyfriend, never 
even got to be kissed.  She wanted kisses, hugs, embraces, 
hot passionate sex in the back of someone's car, endless 
orgasmic ecstasy over and over and over.

     She moaned a bit at the thought.  She stripped off her 
school uniform and looked at herself in a mirror.  She had a 
medium figure. Not too big, not too small.  Soft, pale skin 
contrasted with her short, light brown hair.  Her body was 
pleasing to the eye.  Why doesn't anyone want me, she 
wondered?  Just because most of the guys around here have 
half my intelligence and aren't worthy to tie my shoes 
doesn't mean no one should ask me out.  Hmph. Akane doesn't 
even like guys and she has a totally buff fiancee.  Now if I 
had Ranma, we'd do it every night.  A clear mental image of 
Ranma pulling her down into bed formed in her mind.  Yes, 
that was the way.  Slowly stripping her naked, stroking her 
body and...


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Gratutitous Imaginary Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

{Music cue: The bluegrass tune of your choice}

     Yuka moaned as in her mind, Ranma's mighty manhood rode 
deep within her femalehood, bringing her to heights of 
ecstasy.  Then a voice spoke, "Can you tell me the way to 
the Tendo Dojo?"  Yuka froze, one hand inside her panties, 
the other on one of her breasts.  She looked up.  It was 
Ryouga.  

     Ryouga said, "I'm sorry.  Were you...."  He realized 
what she was doing.  It was time for the nosebleed that ate 
New York.  The pressure throbbed in his brain.  While he 
waited for it to build up, he took a good look at her.  I 
shouldn't do this, he thought, but I can't help myself.  
Really.

     Ryouga took a long slow look in the time it took for 
his body to build up a massive charge for the mother of all 
nosebleeds.  Yuka was spread out on the bed before him, 
wearing pink panties and a pink bra.  Her hair spread out 
below her head and upper torso.  Her legs were splayed 
about, cocked at 45 degree angles.  Her breasts were small 
firm mounds, largely concealed by her bra, but still 
pleasing to the eye.  He felt a rumbling in his nether 
regions.  The dawning of desire.  He stomped it down as the 
blood zoomed towards his nose.  

     Yuka saw that look and recognized what it meant.  
Acting quickly, she moved to stopper the nose bleed with the 
only thing available.  She stuck two fingers up his nose.  
When the rush came, she pushed with all her might, and the 
tide  did not pass.  Taking a handkerchief, she quickly 
cleaned her finger tips.  Ryouga just stared, his eyes 
constantly bobbing down to her breasts, then back up to her.

     Ryouga said, "I..never realized..."

     Realized what, she wondered?  How beautiful I am?  That 
you really want to rip off your clothing and take me now?  
She felt the still pounding heat of her arousal pulsing 
through her veins.  She needed him...badly.  Some part of 
her brain wondered why she was so horny today, but didn't 
care.  "What, Ryouga-kun?" she breathed.

     "I never realized you lived in the Tendo house.  Am I 
upstairs?"  Yuka facefaulted.

     Recovering her dignity, she conceived a plan.  "Ryouga.  
You must be punished for coming in and gazing upon my 
undressed frame.  And then you nearly bled on everything,  
You must make atonement."

     He dropped his eyes.  "I'm sorry.  I just got lost 
again.  What must I do to atone?"

     She leaped up, grabbed him, and pulled him down on the 
bed with her.  His eyes got big as he sprawled across her 
body.  "First, you must go on a quadruple date with me."  

     Ryouga nodded.  Not too bad.  Yuka was cute, and better 
a date than to have anyone find out about this.  Then she 
shocked him.  "Two, you must make love to me until I pass 
out from ecstasy."

     Ryouga stared at her.  She smiled and pulled him into a 
deep kiss.  He resisted, then grew enthusiastic, beginning 
to stroke her nubile form, then his conscience rallied for a 
counterattack.

     "But..but...I love someone else!"  Why did this always 
happen everytime he wandered into the wrong bedroom?  Ever 
since that time when he was 15 and somehow ended up in that 
Australian girl's bedroom, it seemed like he couldn't go a 
day without ending up in bed with someone.  And it was never 
the woman he wanted to be with...Akane.  

     "You want me to tell her you came into my bedroom and 
laid on top of me when I was half naked?"  Yuka smiled.  She 
clearly had the upper hand for once.

     "Urp.  No."  Yuka slid a hand down into Ryouga's pants 
and gently touched his manhood.  It twitched and began to 
swell.  His eyes got big.

     "And I think you want me."

     Ryouga consulted his gonads.  She was indeed correct.  
This had happened far too many times for him to be able to 
stop himself it he didn't leave in the next five seconds.  
"Err...ahh..."

     She kissed him passionately, grabbing his hands and 
placing them on her breasts.  "Show me you're a man!"  
Ryouga felt the firm mounds of flesh beneath his hands, just 
below a layer of cloth.  Akane, forgive me, he thought.  I 
am vulnerable to the cravings of the flesh.  Taking a quick 
look around to make sure there was no water in the area, and 
abjectly missing the glass of ice water on the desk, Ryouga 
began to move his hands up and down Yuka's body.

     "OH, YES!"  She began to strip him in a virtual frenzy.  
Within 30 seconds, his clothing, except his headband, was on 
the floor.  He looked into her eyes and smiled.  He would 
hate himself in the morning, but for now, it was going to be 
pure enjoyment.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

     Ryouga relaxed in the aftermath of release.  He gazed 
into Yuka's eyes, which to his surprise were still mad with 
desire.  "More." was her command.  A command he would gladly 
fulfill.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Second Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

     Ryouga relaxed in the aftermath of release.  He gazed 
into Yuka's eyes, which to his surprise were still mad with 
desire.  "More." was her command.  A command he would gladly 
fulfill.
     
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Third Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

     Ryouga relaxed in the aftermath of release.  He gazed 
into Yuka's eyes, which to his surprise were still mad with 
desire.  "More." was her command.  He moaned ever so 
slightly.  How much sex could anyone want?  Well, there was 
that one girl in Australia.  OR was it New York?  Well, he 
had to buy her silence.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Fourth Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

     Ryouga relaxed in the aftermath of release.  He gazed 
into Yuka's eyes, which to his surprise were still mad with 
desire.  "More." was her command.  He moaned ever so 
slightly.  How much sex could anyone want?  Well, there was 
that one girl in Australia.  Or was it New York?  Well, he 
had to buy her silence.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Fifth Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     Ryouga relaxed in the aftermath of release.  He gazed 
into Yuka's eyes, which to his surprise were still mad with 
desire.  "More." was her command.  He moaned a bit more.  He 
was getting exhausted.

     "I...I don't know if I can do it."  He was telling the 
truth.  He was exhausted.  

     "You can do it!  You've been SOOOO good.  I'm actually 
starting to get tired.  Come on Ryouga!  Show me you're a 
man!"

     An idea came to mind.  He smiled and went to work.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Insert Sixth Gratutitous Sex Scene Here
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     Ryouga relaxed in the aftermath of release.  He gazed 
into Yuka's eyes, which to his surprise were still mad with 
desire.  "More." was her command. More.  She wanted more.  
He began to wonder if she was actually a sexaroid or 
something.  More was not an option.  Then he realized she 
was actually asleep...just operating on autopilot.  He 
moaned a bit.  It could be weeks before he even felt desire 
again, let alone acted on it.  He moved one of his arms to 
get himself comfortable and whacked the icewater.  Instant 
piggie.  He tried to flee with his now piggie self, but Yuka 
simply tightened her grip on him.  He was truly doomed.  
Giving up, he went to sleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

{Music cue:  The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company C, by 
the Andrew Sisters}

     Kodachi was feeding her alligator, later that night.  
"Yummies for my little green turtle!"  She finished empyting 
several crates of sea monkeys into the water, then watched 
as her alligator ravaged the little castles and munched the 
sea monkeys one by one.  What to do tonight?  Hmm.  

     Ahhh!  I haven't carried off  Ranma-sama in days!  Yes, 
tonight he will be mine!

     The door opened.  "Mistress Kodachi!  I have urgent 
news."  It was Sasuke.  If this was a really disgusting 
story, they'd end up in bed, but I'm not that desperate for 
laughs.  Instead, she waited for the news.

     "Ranma and akane have a date tomorrow night!  With a 
bunch of their friends."  Sasuke bobbed his head, accenting 
his resemblence to a balding groundhog.  

     "HOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"  Kodachi laughed.  "Then 
we must plan for my date with Ranma-sama!  And how best to 
dispose of that annoying girl!"

     Evil ideas began to form, all of them ending with 
Ranma-sama in her arms!  And Akane out of the picture.  Just 
how she wanted it.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Biles sighed as Akane gave him a pleasant backrub.  
"You'll get your scene, Akane.  I'm sorry I sent in Yuka, 
but you were busy."

     Akane sighed..  "Kodachi, Ukyou, and Shampoo all showed 
up before I could even get properly started."  John smiled 
and let himself enjoy the backrub. 

     Ukyou ran in.  "Is my scene next?"  She glared at 
Akane. Slut. Sleeping with the director.  Hah!  I've read 
ahead! I'll get Ranchan before you do!  "Do I really get to 
finally do it with Ranchan!"  Many, many eyeglints.

     "Take a quick break. I have to tell the music director 
to never, ever use bluegrass for a love scene again unless 
she wants to try matching guitar picks against Daleks."  He 
felt himself relax.  "Did someone remember to feed the 
facehuggers?"

     Akemi nodded.  "We threw some of the extras to them so 
we wouldn't have to pay them."

     "Good job, Akemi.  Where did we get those things, 
anyway?"  

     "That Chance fellow sold us some.  I think Yotusuya set 
up the deal."

     "Right."  Who is this Yotsuya anyway?  Did I hire him?
************************Interlude #3 ***********************
    
{Music cue:  Any five minute snippet from Demon City 
Shinjuku soundtrack}

     Skuld ran through the hallways of heaven.  More 
trouble.  Sitting on her shoulder was a tiny redhaired 
female about the size of a UFO catcher doll, clad in a red 
t-shirt that said SECURITY, and a pair of black jeans.  Her 
hair was short, her eyes were hazel, and battered gold 
rimmed glasses perched on her cute nose.  A second tiny 
figure, this one male, dressed similarly to the female was 
sitting on the other shoulder reading a book.  Various 
noises of anarchy rampaged through the hallways behind her.  
Soon she reached the chambers of her sister, Belldandy.

    She hammered on the door with a mallet.  Soon the door 
opened.  The beautiful goddess first class, unlimited , 
Belldandy, stood before her.  "What's wrong sister?"

     "Urd messed up again and they're all rampaging around 
except these two and I can't stop them and they're trying to 
reprogram Yggsdrasil to bring them hamburgers and one of 
them is out running around messing up a universe and it's 
not my FAULT!"  Skuld was babbling.  The two figures on her 
shoulder looked up at Belldandy and smiled.

    The girl said, "Hi!  I'm John Biles, goddess third 
class."

     The boy looked up from his book.  "Actually, I'm John 
Biles, god third class."

     They stared at each other and started making faces.  
Skuld said, "Urd tried to teach John that trick for 
splitting into multiple bodies, but he got hit in the head 
while doing it and all the personalities came out different 
on the different bodies."

     Belldandy looked at the little girl.  "And genders."

     "He's part of the Jyusenkyo Affairs department, under 
Goddess First Class, Unlimited Takahashi.  They all change 
into girls and boys and animals and stuff."

     "He's cuter as a girl."  Belldandy observed.  The three 
inch girl smiled.  The boy frowned. 

     "I'm not supposed to be a girl!" The boy sulked.

     "Anyway, some of his personalities escaped and are out 
running around terrorizing the universes.  And trying to get 
Yggsdrasil to give them toys."

    Belldandy nodded.  "Have you told Takahashi-sama about 
it?"

    "Apparently, she's locked herself in the office trying 
to finish off some universe by the rest of the year.  And in 
her absence, all the lesser gods and goddesses have been 
running wild."

     Belldandy smiled.  "Even when she doesn't do that, her 
servants tend to run wild.  It's just the way she trains 
them, I guess.  Well, let's find Urd and see what we can 
do."

*********************End of Interlude #3********************

{music cue:  Airline Amy, by Wierd Al Yankovic}

     Ukyou finished closing up shop.  She sighed.  Another 
lonely night without her Ranchan.  She had dreamed of him 
off and on all evening while working and cooking.  She 
quivered with anticipation of seeing him tomorrow, even if 
Hiroshi was supposedly her date.  Ranma really wanted to be 
with her, not Akane.  Only his duty kept them separate.  
Somehow, he would win free.  And then she could truly escape 
her past.  

     She shuddered a bit at how she had lived all those 
years, thirsting for revenge.  Living as a boy...why?  To 
steal the power of maleness, she supposed.  Boys were 
supposed to be tougher, so she had to become one to beat 
one.  And she couldn't afford to waste time on feminine 
graces.  As a result, she had to learn so many things in the 
past year when she and Ranma were reconciled.  But there 
were still things she wanted to learn.  The taste of his 
lips.  The feeling of his body pressed against hers.  What 
it felt like to make love.  Her body flushed with a rush of 
blood, and she felt a warmth gathering in her breasts and at 
the base of her torso as she thought of these things.  She 
stood up, trying to distract herself.  

     I've got to be a nice girl for Ranchan, she thought.  
That's what he wants.  Not the old me.  The new me.  I have 
to forget...forget...what Tsu-chan meant to me.  He's part 
of my past.  I can't play the boy to his girl any longer.  I 
don't want to.

     Yes you do, whispered a tiny voice in her head.  You 
don't have to give that up.  Ranma can go either way.

     Shut up!  I'm not that kind of girl!  And I don't want 
a fake girl!  I want a boy that looks like a...A boy!  A 
man!  A real man!  Like Ranma!  She gripped the table and 
started piling mental okonomiyakis on that part of her mind.  

     Buried in mental circles of baked goods, the voice 
struggled to continue.  Then go to him!  Right now!  Make 
him take you!  Show me that what you really want!  

     She stared at the table, breathing heavily.  Who are 
you?  Why do you want me to...to...

     I am you, you idiot!  The part you try to hide from 
yourself!  You know you want Tsu-chan.  You know you want 
Ranma.  Now you can do either one, I don't care.  But I'm 
gonna sit here and harrass you until you do!  The voice 
began crawling out of the mental food pile, and Ukyou became 
more frantic.

     I'm a nice girl!  I don't do things like that!  Shut 
up!  Why are you so insistent today?  Why can't I get you to 
shut up?  She had had this argument many nights before, but 
she always managed to suppress the part of her that craved 
men, in whatever form.  Breaking herself of...past 
practices...had been hard, but she thought she had finally 
succeeded.  But now the voice was after her again.  

    For a moment, her mind calmed.  She remembered how all 
of her customers had seemed unusually affectionate today.  
One couple had almost gotten naked in one booth before she 
calmed them down.  Was there something funny in the water?  
Maybe this was all due to excess flouride or something.  The 
voice grew a bit fainter as her mind turned to contemplate 
this.

     Do them, it urged.  Show Ranma you really want him.  
But she ignored it.  The tingling began to fade as she eked 
out another victory.  Yes.  Something was definitely wrong.  
Perhaps Cologne was up to something.  Hmm.  I have to go 
warn Ranma, she thought!  She quickly gathered her 
armnaments and sprinted out the door, pausing only to lock 
up.

     Unseen, a garbage can began scuttling down the street 
following her.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------
     Biles relaxed under Akane's loving attention.  He felt 
all the tension unwinding.  Then a loud, strident voice 
filled the air.  "Aiya!  When do I get a scene?"  Hands 
grabbed his head and pulled it up.

     It was Shampoo.  "I want a scene and I want it now.  No 
more putting me off!"  She spoke with a slight English 
accent and perfect diction.  

     "Right.  A scene you want.  A scene you get.  Hey, 
Godai!  Write her a scene!"

     Godai nodded.  "You got it."  He began banging away. 
Time to try and sneak a scene without any sex past the boss.  
Hmm.  What to write.  

     Shampoo smiled.  "Finally.  And please. Just once.  
Don't make me talk with stupid cutesy bad Japanese?  
Please?"  She ran a hand up and down Godai's arm.  He smiled 
nervously and went to work.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
{Music cue: Those were the good old days, by Wierd Al}

     Nearby, Shampoo scampered out of the Nekohanten, 
heading for Ranma's house with a basket of ramen and a 
bottle of sake.  She knew he would be up late studying 
tonight, because she had gotten Daisuke hammered when his 
family came by for a meal and extracted the information from 
him.  And she knew about the date.  But she had a clever 
plan.  

     Mousse slipped from rooftop to rooftop.  Shampoo was up 
to no good, and it was his duty to thwart it.  He might not 
like Saotome, but he couldn't risk one of Shampoo's schemes 
actually ensnaring Ranma.  Shampoo would be his!  He had 
always loved her, ever since they were little.  The torture 
and humiliation she inflicted on him only made her more 
appealing.  He was used to pain.  Not getting a beating in 
his household meant no one loved you.  The more she hit him, 
the more he knew she really cared.  One day, she would 
realize this, and then they would be together forever.  "By 
striking me down, you only engrave your name deeper into my 
heart, my beloved Shampoo!  I will only rise up more 
powerful than before!"

     His heart pulsed at the thought of her soft, luscious 
form.  Her perfect breasts.  Her long purple hair running 
down her back, shining in the moonlight.  Her clothing, 
tightly clinging to every curve, was a pleasing pink with 
purple flowers.  He felt his body shiver as he contemplated 
how gracefully she moved.  He could see her nipples pressing 
against the soft fabric.  He imagined seeing the fabric part 
at his loving touch, revealing large mountains, with soft 
pink peaks.  Held in his hands...

     He breathed harder, slowing as his mind turned in on 
itself, into its own fantasies.  Shampoo heard the tense 
heavy breathing and smiled.  Her erstwhile husband wannabe 
was obviously in the area.  <Mousse, come on down,> she 
said.  

     Mousse stared.  His lovely Shampoo wanted him!  He 
leaped down off the roof to throw himself into her arms.  
She stepped aside and he landed in a puddle from the recent 
rains.  Splash!  Instant Duck.

     Shampoo smiled and picked Mousse up, placing him on her 
shoulder.  He stared.  Why was she being so friendly?  Not 
that he minded...but...

     Shampoo smiled.   Make Mousse watch Shampoo make love 
with groom.  Or perhaps if things went badly, she could just 
endulge in gratuitous auto-eroticism in front of him like 
that other time.  For a moment, she regretted she couldn't 
simply sleep with Mousse to relieve all her sexual 
frustrations.  But only a man with a braid could really turn 
her on.  And Mousse wouldn't braid his hair.  Too bad.  And 
since leaving an amazon sexually unsatisfied meant the death 
penalty, she would have had to kill him.  And she didn't 
really want to see Mousse dead when he could be in emotional 
agony.

____________________________________________________________

{music cue: She blinded me with Science, Thomas Dolby}

     Ranma's room had a very rare phenomenon going on:  A 
study session.  Ranma, Hiroshi, Akane, Sayuri, and Daisuke 
were in the midst of studying for a vicious math test.  
Paper and calculators were strewn everywhere.  From Nabiki's 
room, occassional noises erupted, the result of a study 
session for a history test.  

     Ranma finished doodling a little Ryouga tied up over a 
pit of cats with his own bandanas in one corner of his 
paper.  Sayuri looked over at him.  "Finished with problem 6 
yet, Ranma?"

     He blinked.  "Hmm.  What?"

     Akane looked over at the paper.  "Ranma!  How can you 
draw something so cruel?"

     "Okay, I guess I should have been studying.  It's just 
that math is so boring!"  

     Akane flushed.  "Ryouga-kun is a nice person!  That's 
cruel to draw something like that."

     Ranma flushed a bit now.  "Hmph.  If you knew the 
truth, you'd tell a different story!"

     Bored with the usual round of arguements, Sayuri sidled 
over to Daisuke.  She clambered into his lap.  He smiled and 
kissed her.

     "The truth about what?  That he isn't a perverted baka 
like you?"  Akane angrily put her hands at her sides and 
glared at Ranma.

     "Me?  Me a pervert!?  You've got to be crazy!  At least 
I don't...oh, never mind."  He sulked with great skill and 
panache.

     "WHAT?  You always accuse Ryouga of some horrible 
thing!  But you won't ever give any details."  Akane glared 
at Ranma.  How could he be so mean to such a sweet, cute guy 
as Ryouga?  With those bulging muscles and the cute little 
fangs.  Akane's anger diffused as a different emotion 
started to seize control.  She fought to hold on to her 
anger, but desire began to well up inside her.  Her mind 
roved over mental images of Ryouga and Ranma in her mind.  
Their muscular bodies gleaming in the sun.  Fluid motions 
and...

     Ranma poked her.  "You alive in there?"

     She glared at him.  Can't you tell I am fantasizing 
about you?  Well, beating you up is fun too.  She picked up 
the futon and buried him under it.  Sayuri and Daisuke 
looked up from making out, scooted sideways, and began 
necking more intensively.  He started to unbutton her shirt.

     Hiroshi said, "Can't we all just get along?"  Akane 
turned and punted him out the window.  Hiroshi no baka!!  
Then she glared at Sayuri and Daisuke, who popped away from 
each other like two peas ..uh..out of a pod.

     Ranma said, "Calm down, Akane.  I just asked if you 
were okay.  You zoned out on us."

    Akane pulled herself together.  "I was just...well. 
Let's just study some more, okay?  I mean.  We're all going 
on a date tomorrow.  I guess we shouldn't fight...and 
stuff."

     Ranma nodded.  "Yeah."  

     They slowly began to study, except for Hiroshi who 
entered low earth orbit.  Sayuri sighed as she got stuck on 
another problem.  "I wish Yuka was here.  She's a lot better 
at this than any of us."

     Daisuke nodded.  "Where is she?"

     Akane shrugged.  "I tried calling and she seems to have 
fallen asleep early, or so her mother thought.  She thought 
maybe Yuka felt sick.  She heard her moaning in there for 
hours, but Yuka wouldn't unlock the door."

     Daisuke said, "I hope she's not too sick for the date."  

     "Where are we going, anyway?"  Ranma said.  

     "Good question," Sayuri said.  "How about if we go see 
a movie and go somewhere to eat?"

     "Eating sounds good to me, Sayuri."  Ranma struggled 
with problem six some more.

     "Eating always sounds good to you, Ranma, except when I 
cook."  Akane frowned at Ranma.

     "Are we going to study or are you two going to fight 
instead? "  Daisuke asked.

     Ranma and Akane both blushed a bit and returned to 
their studying
++++++++++++++++++++Commercial Break+++++++++++++++++++++++

[Scene : A rather busy warehouse-style store.  People run up 
and down the aisles, drooling in capitalistic greed, shoving 
around shopping carts loaded down with kitchenware like they 
were NASCAR drivers.  Zoom in on the small wooden 
kitchenette to the right and Ukyou Kuonji.]

Ukyou :   Hello!  I've got two pages to get you to visit 
Spatula City, the world's only web site named Spatula 
City. 
          [blinks]  Is that cue card right?

[Quick-pan over to the cue card holder, who notices the card 
is upside down.  He waves the camera back to its original 
angle and we hear frantic cardboard noises.]

Ukyou :   Uh... anyway.  Anyway, I've taken some time out to 
set up a branch of Ucchan's here at this... store... and 
I'm inviting everybody to visit!  I've even got some 
new recipes, and a revised menu including Windex on the  
beverage menu!  [BLINKS]  Look, are you SURE you've got the 
right cards?

Card Guy: Lady, this is what I was given.  Now are you gonna 
read 'em or not?

Ukyou :   Isn't Windex a glass cleaner?  Ugh.  That's 
disgusting.

Card Guy: It's comedy, ma'am.


Ukyou :   It's unsanitary.  No pun intended.  Look, you do 
the commercial yourself if you're going to put things like 
that in there.  I've got better things to do.  
[leaves]

[Pan back to a stunned cue card guy.  A big anime sweatdrop 
appears on his head.]

Card Guy: Ummm... okay... uhh, you really oughtta visit 
because we have a lot of cool amateur computer raytraced 
graphics, some really cool spatulas you can't order by mail, 
a buncha silly stuff and, umm, stuff.  Yeah.  COULD 
WE GET A REAL SPOKESPERSON ON THE FLOOR, PLEASE?!?

PA System : (ping...) Spokesperson on Aisle 4, please.

[A crew of Store Toadies wheel in a man in a business suit 
with a large key in his back.  They take off the price tag, 
wind him up and push NARRATE.]

Narrator :     Yes, SPATULA CITY!  Where you can laugh, cry, 
and  possibly fall down!  Where you can read really strange 
stories that you wouldn't bring home to mother!  Where you 
can violate copyright law and have fun doing it!  Where you 
can push a button and have nothing happen!  Where you can 
witness full frontal nudity!  Where you can engage in a 
virtual reality staring contest!  Where you can be 
all you can be!  Where youuuuuccccaaaaaaannnn 
gggooooooo  aaaaa.......

[The crew runs back in and rewinds the Narrator's spring.]

Narrator :     ...aaanndd have a real hum dinger of a time! 
Simply visit the following URL...

[The cue card guy holds up a sign backwards that reads
rwolfowt~\ude.dmu.maw.www\\:ptth.]

Narrator :     ...kick off your shoes, your socks, your 
shirt, your pants, your underwear, your lederhosen, your
pacemaker, and RELAX.  Enjoy!

Duck :    squeak.

Ukyou :   Now, back to a story with a role I wish I had 
never agreed to play.  Where's my agent?!

PA System : (ping...) Agent on Aisle 4, please.

[Iris out.  @ 1995 Spatula City Productions, a division of
Something You Can Divide.  Special guest director Oliver 
Stone.]


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------     
Godai smiled.  Another scene with no sex.  Soon he'd have 
this story back on track.  He finished off the script for 
the next scene, and went to save.  Unfortunately, he 
sneezed and clicked on Utterly Annhilate File, instead.  
"AAAHHHH!"  He went back to work.

     Meanwhile, up in the control booth, Gosunkugi and 
Nabiki were working on finishing the computer editing on the 
last scene.  Well, in theory. Actually, Gosunkugi was 
reading Teen Magazine to see if the story they did on him 
was actually accurate.  Being Hunk of the Month was an 
important accomplishment in this business.  But they had 
caught him at a bad angle.  Sigh.

     Meanwhile, Nabiki was busy editing together a blackmail 
tape from the security camera footage in Shampoo's dressing 
room.  As a result, she didn't notice at all the little 
light that came on to signal a disaster in progress, perhaps 
because she was too busy staring at Daisuke's butt in the 
footage.  

     And the cause of the disaster?  That would be telling.  
But somewhere, it caught the attention of a man in black 
robes, riding a pale horse.  He turned.  And came.  He had 
an appointment to keep.  Too bad he forgot to doublecheck 
the exact name.

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center-------------
-addclothes bathrobe1=A yellow bathrobe|Akane is clad in a 
nice yellow bathrobe and a pair of slippers. It has 
embroidered purple flowers on it.  The bathrobe reaches just 
below her hips, giving a very nice view of her well shaped 
legs and smooth, light skin. She has belted it tightly at 
the waist, the better to show off her beautiful figure 
with.|Akane-kun is clad in a yellow bathrobe with slippers.  
It has embroidered purple flowers on it.   The bathrobe 
reaches down to barely below his hips, showing off his 
muscular legs.  He has belted it tightly at the waist.

addclothes bathrobe2=A blue bathrobe|Akane is clad in a nice 
blue bathrobe and a pair of slippers. The bathrobe reaches 
just below her hips, giving a very nice view of her well 
shaped legs and smooth, light skin. She has belted it 
tightly at the waist, the better to show off her beautiful 
figure with.|Akane-kun is clad in a blue bathrobe with 
slippers.  The bathrobe reaches down to barely below his 
hips, showing off his muscular legs.  He has belted it 
tightly at the waist.

@@@@@@@@@@@@We are experiencing technical difficulties, 
@@@@@@@@@@@@please stand by.

shin @succ here=@$obvexits
shin @set here=jump_ok

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@@@@@@@@@@@@We are experiencing technical difficulties, 
@@@@@@@@@@@@please stand by.

@set scene =null


|||||||||||||||||||||||Interlude #4 ||||||||||||||||||||||||
{music cue:  any music from Oh!  My Goddess of your choice}

     Skuld, Urd, and Belldandy poured through intelligence 
reports for the purposes of preparing to intervene and 
recover the renegade Biles personality.  Skuld banged away 
at the computer as Urd and Belldandy poured over printed out 
reports.  "Ahah!  There has been a goddess intervention 
previously in this universe.  Someone misfiled the report 
under fiction."  

     "Which office?"  Belldandy asked, her melodious voice a 
joy to be heard.  She smiled over at her energetic, if oft 
incompetent sister Skuld.  Skuld smashed the narrarator flat 
for calling her incompetent.

     "Whoever filed this didn't use a spell checker, I 
think.  It appears to be a report from the fates office."  
Skuld said.

     "Which fates office?"  Urd asked.  "There is more than 
one."

     Skuld began reading the report.  "Must be the Greek 
Fates office.  Their names were Lachesis, Clotho and 
Atropos."

     "What did they do there, Skuld?"  Urd asked.

     "Let me see.  They decided to take a vacation, it looks 
like.  They were looking for some guys for some reason.  
Let's see, one of them found Ranma and ...EEK!"

     "She eeked?"  Belldandy asked?

     "She took off her clothing and touched his...and then 
he...and she...and they ...oooohhhhh"  Skuld fainted.

     Belldandy took a look over at the screen.  "I can't 
believe a group of goddesses could be so crude.  Grabbing a 
man by the...and touching his..,.and ...and...letting him 
kiss her..."

     Urd shoved Belldandy out of the way.  "Let me see it!"  
She quickly read it.  Belldandy sat down and fluttered her 
hands.

     Urd said, "I think I am gonna like this place."

     Belldandy stared at her.  "Well, you won't be doing 
anything like THAT there.  Mark that file restricted 
access!"

     "Awww."  She marked the file restricted access.  Plus a 
backdoor for herself.  She intended to study this file.  She 
labelled it Immoral Runabout and filed it, accidentally 
mailing it to Rec.arts.anime.stories in the process.  

|||||||||||||||||||||End of Interlude#4|||||||||||||||||||||

---------------In Biles's Story Command Center--------------     
Biles cursed.  Blast.  So much stuff lost because Ensign 
Uraki couldn't get those calculations right, and the alien 
Mecha all blew up.  There went a third of the budget.  Gonna 
have to call Shinohara Industries for more Mecha.  At least 
Noa had escaped the blast, and Alphonse was okay.  

     And then the transmissions got messed up.  Someone was 
sabotaging things. But this movie WOULD go through.    On 
with the story. 

     "Ucchan!  Go for it!  Your big scene is coming up!"  
Ukyou smiled.  She ran off to the set to get ready.  

     John turned to Akane.  "Shall we adjourn?  This scene 
will take a while."  

     Akane nodded.  "Hmm. Yes, practice for my big scene."

     John took Akane by the hand.  "This scene is in your 
hands, Akemi.  I want a grand production."

     Akemi nodded.  "Yes, sir!  A grand production it will 
be!"  HAH!  Now I'm in charge.

     John and Akane adjourned into the Director's chambers.  
The sound of much moaning soon drifted out.  Akemi smiled.  
Total power.  This would be a scene to remember!  

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{Music cue:  Splish, Splash, I was taking a bath}

     Ranma sank into the hot bath.  He aaahed.  Warm water 
all around him.  It was a comforting presence.  Blessed heat 
soaked into his body from the water, soothing the tension of 
his muscles.  He had scrubbed himself clean, and now he 
would relax.  The study session hadn't gone too badly, even 
with the brain of the group gone.

     I hope our date goes well.  And I hope Daisuke and 
Sayuri don't just suck face the whole time, Ranma thought.  
'Cause Akane won't want to do that.  I wonder who Yuka is 
going to ask out?  She never manages to get a date.  Too bad 
she and Hiroshi are too proud to apologize for whatever 
happened to get them on edge.  I'd never be that stupid.  
Why can't they just apologize and move on?  We all know they 
really do like each other.

     Ranma sank a bit deeper and soon only his face was 
above the water.  His pigtail floated horizontally on the 
surface.  His muscles slowly relaxed.  He didn't even hear 
the door open to the changing room, or the movement within 
it, or the door from the changing room opening.

     Ukyou peeked out of the changing room.  She could just 
barely see the top of Ranma's head.  She hesitated, trying 
to decide whether or not to go in.  He would definitely be 
embarrassed.  But she had to tell him what was going on.  
And you get to see him buck naked, the little voice in her 
head said.  She stifled it, and opened the door slowly.  
Ranma did not notice.

     She crept across the room.  She could see he had his 
eyes closed and was soaking peacefully in the water.  His 
body could be clearly seen, every inch of it.  For a moment, 
she just stood there and soaked in a good view of his manly 
form.  Her body tingled a bit as she contemplated stripping 
down and getting in the water with him.  Not only did she 
need a warm bath, but she felt an increasing urge to 
experience Ranma's body.  At very close range.  

     Her eyes ran up and down his body again and again.  Her 
body grew warmer and desire spread.  The little voice was 
silent, perhaps because she was deciding to listen to it 
without it having to actually speak.  She began to loosen 
her belt.  Oh yes.  Finally, with Ranchan.  The way it 
should be.  With a real man.

     Ranma lay in the water, letting it flow around him, 
keeping him warm and happy.  He felt a presence vaguely, but 
ignored it since it wasn't slapping him.  

     It was at this exact moment that Shampoo crashed 
thorugh the wall with Mousse-duck on her shoulder and food 
in her arms.  "Ni hao!"

     Ranma snapped awake.  He stared at Shampoo.  Ukyou 
slipped back unoticed into the changing room and watched for 
a moment.

     "Sh..ampoo?"  Ranma said.  Just great.  There goes this 
moment of peace.

     "Shampoo has come to feed her groom and enjoy his 
company!"  She put Mousse down on a towel rack, and laid out 
the ramen and sake, quickly preparing two portions and 
bringing one over to Ranma, who nervously took it.

     "You're not going to get in the tub with me, are you?"  
Ranma asked, knowing the answer was almost certainly yes.  

     "First we eat, then we make love, groom!  Otherwise we 
might spill the food in our passion."  She began to eat as 
Ranma nervously took a taste of the Ramen.  Then Ukyou 
stormed out of the changing room.  She had heard enough.

     "You are not making love to my fiancee!"  Ukyou yelled.

     Ranma eeped and wondered if Kodachi and Akane were 
going to storm in on him too.  He felt a stirring at the 
base of his torso and tried to ignore it.  This was not the 
time for a turnon.  Too bad his towel was out of reach.  
"Ucchan, can you pass me a towel?"

     Shampoo smiled.  A good meal, a good fight, and a long, 
passionate love session with her husband to come.  This was 
indeed going to be a night to remember.  Whipping out her 
bonbori, she charged.

     Ukyou quickly took her giant spatula off her back and 
charged.  Shampoo parried the spatula with one bonbori and 
struck her in the chest with the other one.  Ukyou and 
Shampoo began dueling back and forth across the bathroom.  
Shampoo was stronger, but Ukyou soon began carefully keeping 
her distance.  Meanwhile, Ranma scrambled out of the tub and 
quickly got his pants on.  He looked over at Mousse.

     "Mousse.  I know you don't want Shampoo to get hurt, so 
help me get her out of here. "  Mousse-duck nodded.  "When I 
turn her into a...a...you know, pick her up and fly away 
with her."  Mousse nodded.  

     Ukyou and Shampoo fought round and round and round the 
tub.  The slick floor hampered their footing, and whenever 
one of them got the upper hand, they usually slipped and the 
other would get back in action.  Ranma gathered a bucket of 
water and watched carefully.  Finally, when Shampoo came 
round near him, he tossed the bucket of water on her, then 
put it over his own head so he couldn't see her become a 
cat.  

     As Ranma stood in the dark, Shampoo transformed into a 
cat.  She quickly clawed her way out of her clothing, but 
Mousse dived down and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck 
with his beak.  He flew out the window with her caterwauling 
and howling.  

    "You okay, Ucchan?"  Ranma said from inside the bucket.  
Ukyou smiled and took it off his head.  

     "I'm fine, Ranchan.  Are you going to finish your bath?  
I can give you a nice massage if you are done."  Ukyou 
smiled.  It was good to know Ranchan really did prefer her 
to Shampoo.  

     "Yeah, that would be nice.  Hmm.  Most of the house is 
asleep.  I guess we'll have to go to the living room."  Yes, 
a massage would be nice.  It wouldn't be the same as one of 
Nabiki's massages...but Ucchan wasn't that kind of girl.  
Much as he sometimes wished she was.

     A tiny part of Ukyou's brain started yammering at her 
that someone would certainly show up and ruin everything if 
she didn't just pick up Ranma and run for the hills with 
him.  She ignored it, picked up the food Shampoo had 
abandoned and headed out of the bathroom and over to the 
living room.  

     As she and Ranma walked into the living room, Genma and 
Soun were in the depths of a game of Shogi.  Things were 
looking bad for Genma.  Ranma said, "Hey, Pop."  

     Genma nodded and said, "Hello, son."  

     Soun turned around and said, "You're still going on the 
date with Akane tomorrow, aren't you, Ranma?"

     "Yes of course," Ranma said.  Genma took this 
opportunity to take twelve moves in a row while Soun was 
distracted.  "We're gonna hit a movie and get some food."

     "Good,"  Soun said.  "You and Akane need to go out more 
often.  And I haven't heard you fighting lately.  That's a 
good thing.  Love needs peace in which to grow."

     Then love is doomed around here, Ukyou thought idly.  
None of us lives by that.  How am I going to get these two 
out of here...ahh.  "Mr. Saotome, did you just take twelve 
moves in a row?"

     Soun spun and blinked. After staring at the board, he 
growled.  "Saotome...."

     Genma said, "I did not take twelve moves in a row."  He 
stood and assumed a dignified position.

     "Saotome!  You've tricked me for the last time!  Now 
you have to let me take thirteen in a row to compensate!"    
He stood up and tried to look dignified also.

     "Are you accusing me of cheating?"  Genma said.  "I do 
not cheat!"

     Ranma laughed.  "You just play by a different set of 
rules, right pop?  That change so that you can always win?"

     "Right!"  Genma paused.  He realized Mr. Tendo was 
hefting the table.  "I mean no!  That's a lie!  That's...my 
cue to run!"  He fled the room as Mr. Tendo took swipes at 
him with the table.  They ran out the door into the street 
and off into the night.

     "Do you think they'll be back tonight, Ranma?"  Ukyou 
asked.  The last thing she needed was public interruption of 
a tender moment.

     "Probably.  We don't need the table for this, though."  
He took his shirt back off and lay down on the floor.  Ukyou 
kneeled over him and started to rub his back.  Her hands 
moved from muscle to muscle, gently probing and kneading his 
back.  Ranma felt his body relax even more, inch by inch.  
But he also felt something else.  His purple hatted warrior 
of love was starting to arouse.  Slowly at first, but 
growing more urgent.  He could sense her body looming over 
him.  

     For a moment, he wondered why he was getting horny so 
soon after his last session with Nabiki.  Then, the 
pyschology class he slept through last semester suddenly 
paid off.  He had trained his body to act this way.  Every 
massage he had had for the last two months had been followed 
by mad passionate sex.  He had conditioned himself to become 
highly aroused as the result of a massage.  

     This was a problem.  He wasn't sure if he really wanted 
to have sex with Ucchan, but this certainly wasn't the place 
for it.  And he knew Ukyou wasn't that kind of girl.  But if 
he let her turn him on much more, he was going to do 
something they would both regret.  And if they didn't do 
that, he'd have to go calling at Nabiki's door.  And the 
more they did that, the more likely they would be caught.

     Ukyou sidled down Ranma's body, now kneeling over his 
legs.  She let her hands caress away the tensions in Ranma's 
lower back.  I've had no formal training, she thought, but 
Tsu-chan used to love this.  She grabbed that thought and 
locked it up.  Tsubasa.  Don't think of him as Tsu-chan.  
He's out of my life.  I'm normal.  Normal.  Ranchan's 
wonderful normal girl.  And I want him sooooooo bad.  She 
could feel her body tingle a bit with anticipation.  A nice 
warm feeling ran through her.  

     At this moment, there was the sound of running 
footsteps.  She froze.  Disaster.  Someone was coming.  
Probably another fight.  There goes this romantic moment.  
The kitchen door flung open and Genma-panda rumbled through, 
followed by a soaked Mr. Tendo, now wielding a table in each 
hand.  He swatted away at Genma-panda, who leaped over 
Ranma's prone body, narrowly missing Ukyou's torso and head.  
Then he fled upstairs, followed by Mr. Tendo.   The sound of 
rain could now be heard from outside.

     "That was close," Ranma said.  "Pop didn't clip you, 
did he?"

     "No, I'm fine.  But where did Mr. Tendo get the other 
table?"  It even matched the room's decor.

     "I have no idea.  I feel a lot better.  Would you like 
a massage, Ukyou?"  Ranma felt wonderfully relaxed.   More 
massaging would be good, but he was overly aroused already.  
Another night I'm likely gonna have to sleep as a female.

     "Hai.  That would be wonderful, Ranma."  To feel his 
loving hands caress her body would be ecstasy, she thought.  
The only better thing would be a true union.  But unless she 
could get him to her house somehow.  Hmm.  Now there's an 
idea.

     Ukyou took off her bandolier of spatulas and laid down 
her mega-spatula.  She then began to loosen her belt.  Ranma 
stared with big eyes.  "I have to take off my top, Ranma, or 
the cloth will get all wrinkled from the massage."

     Ranma nodded, his brain unable or unwilling to deal 
with that logic.  He had never seen Ukyou in her scanties 
before.  The belt slid off, and the wrap around top easily 
slid off her shoulders.  She was still wearing black pants 
from her waist down, but from her waist up, only a simple 
white bra covered her.  Ranma looked up and down her chest 
and stomach.  Her stomach was tight and flat, the happy 
result of years of exercise and combat.  Her breasts were 
larger than Ranma expected, not quite on a scale with 
Shampoo or himself in female form, but very pleasing to the 
eye.  She smiled at him and he blushed a bit, causing her to 
blush a little too.

     "Well, I am your fiancee," she said.  "And it's not any 
more revealing than a swimsuit. "  He blushed a bit more.  
She was pleased to see he obviously appreciated her body.  
He'd appreciate it more before the night was through.  She 
turned and laid down, resting her head in her folded arms.

     Ranma went to work, expertly locating the points of 
tension and softly rubbing them, kneading them, carressing 
them.  Ukyou felt the tension flow out of her body, replaced 
by a delightful tingling.  Her body responded to his touch, 
coming alive.  She gasped softly.  If only they could do it 
right here, right now.  

     Ranma smiled at his own work, seeing the joy in Ukyou's 
face and feeling her body relax.  It was nice to make one of 
his fiancees happy for once.  So often, he seemed to bring 
them nothing but trouble.  

     They both heard footsteps from the stairs.  It was 
Nabiki in her blue yen pajamas.  She walked up and smirked a 
bit.  "I see all those massages must be teaching you 
something, Ranma."

     He humphed and said, "Guess so.  Mine are free, 
though."  His hands continued to work on Ukyou's back.  

     Nabiki laughed a little and said, "You get what you pay 
for."  Ranma snorted and Nabiki went into the kitchen to fix 
herself a snack.  

     Ukyou relaxed more, feeling all the knots in her 
muscles relax.  She had this vague feeling she had come over 
to tell Ranma something, but she couldn't remember what, 
now.  

     Nabiki poked her head out of the kitchen.  "You do 
realize Akane will freak if she comes downstairs."

     Ranma froze.  "She's still up?"

     "She's trying to finish some problem.  It's got her 
really frustrated."  Ranma felt relaxed muscles retensing.  
So did Ukyou.  Nabiki smiled and went on in a light and 
cheery tone of voice.  "She likes to pound things when she's 
angry.  You never know when she might just wander downstairs 
to break ...bricks."

     Ranma sighed.  "How much, Nabiki?"  He still didn't 
have any money.  As it was, Dad was gonna have to start 
printing yen himself if the Saotomes were even going to 
pretend to be financially afloat.  But he'd scrape up the 
cash somehow.

     "1000 yen.  I need to get some more film for my  
camera."  Ranma sighed and began digging through his wallet, 
praying for a visit from the cash fairy.  While he flailed, 
Ukyou dug 1000 yen out of her discarded top and handed it to 
Nabiki.

     "Very good.  I'll keep an eye out for you.  If you hear 
me running down the stairs, you'll know Akane is coming.  
Been a pleasure dealing with you."  Nabiki carted her ice 
cream sundae off upstairs.  

     Ranma said, "You didn't have to do that, Ucchan."  
Somehow I would have paid for it.

     "It was no problem, Ranma."  Ukyou relaxed as Ranma 
started back into the massage.  Finally, he finished. Ukyou 
smiled and got up.

     "Thank you, Ranma."  She leaned closer to Ranma, hoping 
for a kiss.  Then they heard running down the stairs.  She 
eeped, dived, threw on her top and tied it tightly.  Ranma 
sprang back across the room and perched up on the table.  
Genma-Panda sprinted across the room, followed by Mr. Tendo, 
now wielding a table and a large futon.  Ukyou sighed.

     "Can you walk me home, Ranchan?  It's a long walk in 
the dark."  She moved over to Ranma and took his arm in 
hers.

     Ranma smiled at Ukyou.  "Sure."  They walked out the 
door and into the rain.  Ranma acked.  Instant Ranma-chan.  
Sighing, she walked down the street, arm in arm with Ukyou.  
It was kinda strange, but at the moment, she didn't care.  

     They walked through the rain.  At one point, they got 
splashed hard by a car zooming by.  Muddy water all over 
their clothing.

     After walking together in the rain a while, they 
finally came to Ukyou's Okonomiyaki shop.  They darted 
inside away from the rain.  Ranma-chan sighed.  "Another hot 
bath for me.  And some new clothes."

     "I can loan you an outfit and help you get dried off.  
And I've got an umbrella you can borrow.  Come on up with me 
and we can relax a little and get you dressed cleanly."

{music cue:  Girls just want to have fun, Cyndi Lauper}

     Ranma-chan nodded.  Ukyou had some guy clothing he 
could borrow.  And getting clean would be nice.  She and 
Ukyou headed upstairs.  Ukyou clicked on the TV while they 
changed.  It was a rerun of a song contest show.  Once she 
got changed, she put a kettle on to boil on her hotpad that 
she kept for making hot beverages without having to go 
downstairs.  She sat down on her bed in her pajamas while 
Ranma-chan rifled through her closet looking for something 
to wear.  She finally emerged in a t-shirt and jeans, 
because it was the only thing vaguely masculin