Ten Degrees of Random Tenjou



-1-

	Random Tenjou?  Yeah, I knew her.  Used to be in the army with
her, back in the wars.  One of the most bubble-headed commanders I'd ever
had to serve under, but when things got ugly, somehow she always got us
out of it.

	Here, have a seat.  Lemme tell ya about this one time we had....
what was it... you remember the stories about the battle of Ang Sehn?  We
were in that.

	Our platoon hadn't been together long, just a week, and none of us
was liking our odds of survival on account of what we thought was a
spoiled air-head Amberite princess that got dumped on us.  I mean, she
just seemed so damned _casual_ about everything, and kinda happy too, like
she was smokin' some low grade wacky weed.  If commander Drake knew how
she was, we all figured she'd get drummed outta the army in a heartbeat.
Hopefully, before she got us killed.

	Did I mention her eating habit?  Unless we were actually fightin',
she was _always_eating_.  Sandwich, candy bar, hell, I think one time she
was gnawing on a squirrel.  Must have a heck of a metabolism.

	Anyway, so there we were, the guys and this greenhorn smiling fool
of a princess, and our first orders were to go to the Ang Sehn valley,
where our forces had been fightin' for a month with no progress.  None of
us was lookin' forward to it, except commander Random.  Or maybe she
wasn't.  I dunno.  She's always smiling anyway, so it's kinda hard to
tell.  Anyway, Ang Sehn was looking kinda ugly as our forces were there
too long, worn out, and the other side just got themselves doubled with
reinforcements.

	Right, anyway, the first battle we got into, our damn CO gets
nailed in the opening minutes, didn't see that arrow goin' to his head.
Now, this was the sorta thing that could break an army, as First thing
Random does is take his place on the horse, wave her saber around and
start bellowing for the whole damn army to hold firm.  Me'n the guys who'd
been serving directly under her, we're all boggling.  This wasn't the
wingnut idiot we was expecting, this was somebody ya just felt was
_in_command_.  There's that unspoken, ya know, thing that you feel when
you're in the presence of a mighty commander, and we all felt it. She
wasn't just sittin' back and giving orders either, she rode right up to
the front line and got herself messy real fast.  So despite bein'
outnumbered we were actually holding the line.

	And then she did something we thought was really gonna end it for
everybody.  After two hours of nonstop fighting, she takes the horse and
just BOLTS into enemy territory.  Well, that kinda left us feeling left in
the lurch, but we didn't get stomped on like we thought we was gonna.  
The Melnibonean army was so wrapped up in hunting her down, they don't
take advantage of the moment and push on us.

	Thirty minutes later, they start retreating.  We dunno why, but we
ain't gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.  A moment later, she rides on
in, lookin' stern as Drake and holding four decapitated Melnibonean heads
by the hairs.  Turns out, despite being neck deep in enemy turf, she went
off and cut down the enemy command staff, then taunted whoever was left to
keep on tryin'.

	Anyway, seein' this, our guys give the commander a roarin' cheer
and then suddenly that whole aura of command goes away, the bubbleheaded
idiot face is back, and she's lookin' tired and bored and saunters off
looking some battle mages to magic-clean off her uniform and some privacy
for a bath.  For the rest'a the night, we heard nothin' but musical
numbers coming from her private tent.  Annoyed us like heck, but
considering she saved our asses, everybody let it slide.

	Gave us free concert tickets too, that was awfully nice'a her....

-2-

	Random Tenjou?  Oh my, yes, she's a wonderful princess, if a bit
odd.  It's thanks to her donations that our orphanage is still running.

	Running an orphanage, especially in the ward of the Dead Unicorn,
isn't easy at all.  Caring for the children alone is a handful, but with
bills to worry about, maintenance of the facilities, paying the employees,
oh, I could go on and on....

	Ahem.  Oh my, sorry about that.  I do go astray sometimes.

	So as I was saying, the orphanage was on the brink of collapse, it
always used to be.  Things were never the same since Shaft left the Ward.
But that's another story.  So sorry about that, where was I?  Oh, yes, so
one day Princess Random walks in, looking so very regal, although a bit
boyish in my opinion.  Anyway, she comes in and _so_ elegantly greets each
of the staff, introducing herself with such a beautiful smile.  
Apparently she'd been assigned to police the Ward, so she was introducing
herself to everyone in the neighborhood, starting with us.

	Of course, we take her through a tour of the facilities, which
were, sadly, under a state of disrepair.  She tsks about this and mumbles
something about repairs.  A moment later, a dozen repairmen show up and
begin working!  We were feeling very happy about having working plumming
again, but what really struck me was how well she got along with the
children!  They just seemed to have a.... how to describe it... a bond of
sorts.  She bonded with them so very easily, and then treated us to a few
songs she said she was going to use for her next album!

	Ever since then, Princess Random visits every time she's in town,
although it's a pity it's far less frequent these days.  And we're also
receiving monthly donations from her as well, though why she has those
trollops from Bumpy's Whore Shack deliver them, I honestly can't
understand.



-3-

	Yes, what?

	Oh.

	I.  Don't.  Wan't.  To.  Talk.  About.  Her.



-4-

	Random Tenjou?  *sigh* Whatta cutie.  I know, sounds strange
comin' from a woman, but ask any of the ladies down at the House, they'll
all tell ya the same.  She knows how to make a girl feel special.  Even
got boss Bumpy cryin' tears, an'that ain't an easy thing.  Maybe she's a
princess, but to us she'll always be one heck of a prince.

	So it was just another Saturday night, a few years back, when
suddenly someone wearin' all bright white strides inna the place and just
_gets_ our attention.  Had that sorta.... well... presence that made you
look, y'know?  Well, first thing we notices was the uniform, typical Amber
royalty digs, y'know?  So we figure this must be one'a them royals lookin'
to raise a little hell for the boss, like ol' Shaft used to do, or maybe
get some 'service', like Saionji used to.  Second thing we notice was this
was one awfully girly lookin' prince.  Third thing we notice is that's cos
he is a girl.  Either that, or them bumbs on the chest weren't boobs.

	And then the girl introduces herself, y'know?  Like she was a
neighbor movin' in or something, which was actually kinda what she was
doing, actually.  Then strides about all princely-like and starts talkin'
with us girls, askin' how the day was, if there was anything we needed,
y'know, real neighborly stuff.

	Of course, boss Bumpy was thinkin' this was the absolute stupidest
thing, an' sicced his boys on her.  They don't even lay a hand on'er,
while she smacks'em both down with a broom that was layin' around.  But
before Bumpy busted out his magical pimpstaff'a doom, Princess Random asks
the man to chill and hold fire forra minute, then takes him behind closed
doors and they talk.  About what, ain't nobody know for sure, but after
that, we sees Bumpy all teary-eyed comin' out the door and with Princess
Random's arm around his back, an' all seems to be well again.  He was
blubberin' something about poor orphans, I ain't really sure, though....
anway.

	And THEN she asks Bumpy if she can take his girls out on a date,
an' the guy says sure, s'long as she pays the goin' rate, which she does,
an'the first person she chooses was me.  Now, considerin' how them royals
was in the past, I figured yeah, this was gonna be another rough romp in
the hay, but instead she tells me to put on some nice clothes an' follow
her.  But I ain't got any fancy clothes, I says to her.  She kinda frets
ferra moment, then gives me this _smile_, an' then takes me shoppin' for
clothes!  Pays for everything too!  So now there I was all dressed like I
ain't ever been dressed in my life, feelin' on top of the world, an' she
goes and brings us to this first rate restaurant, candle-light, no less,
and we talk.  Before the Prince, I ain't ever talked to nobody about
myself, really.  The girls back at the house, we all got somethin' we're
getting away from, if ya know what I mean, and the johns all just wanna
get laid.  But Random really listened to me, a high royale of amber,
listening to me.  An' she told me... well... told me ain't nothin' really
impossible yet, and if I wanted to get outta there and start over again,
try chasin' after my dreams again, wasn't any reason not to, really.  
Made a girl feel special, don'cha know.

	And to top it off, afore we left the joint, she swept me offa my
feet and onto the dance floor.  Doin' the _Tango_ no less, then escorts me
back t'the joint, and lays the whammy on me with a goodnight kiss that
just about had me gaspin' and turnin' lesbian.

	A few months after that, I finally decided t'head out somewhere
else an'start all over.  Managed to get outta there without Bumpy givin'
me too much of a hassle, big surprise there.  Was hopin' to talk to the
Prince before I headed out... see if... well... I dunno.  But I hear ain't
nobody heard from Ramdom for a while now.  Hope she's alright.  As for me,
I'm headin' off to Begma, always wanted to go to cookin' school over
there, and I's got enough money saved up to see me through, at least for a
little while.

	Wish me luck, yeah?


-5-

	Yeah, I remember Random Tenjou.

	It was back in the King of Fighter tourney that Lipun sponsored
that I saw her.  Lean, fast, looked promising for goin' pretty far in the
tourney, but two things ruined any chance she had of gettin' far.

	First thing was she didn't know about the no-weapons policy,
an'she was apparently way better a weapons fighter than a bare-hands one.

	Second thing was she drew Princess Nanami Minor as her first round
opponent.  It was ugly, I tell you, just unspeakably ugly....


-6-

	I first heard Princess Random sing in Arden.

	I was coming back from patroling the forest with my bretheren when
we all heard this distinct _voice_ singing a piece of an old elven tune,
the Lay of Turin Turambar.  The voice was just... mesmerizing, really, and
it drew us all to the open air theatre, where we came upon the Princess,
singing along, and occasionally stopping to let Deedlit sing the next few
lines.  The princess was apparently learnining the song for the first time
right there, but she was picking it up extraordinarily fast, and with
such... well... such an ability that we all found ourselves lingering
there and sitting quietly as Princess Random went over the song again and
again and again, until finally she sang the whole song straight through.

	I kid you not when I say doves were flying and leaves were
tumbling and the moon was at its bightest as she sang, it was uncanny and
majestic, and for a moment we forgot about her habit of eating small
forest animals whole.  A lot of us were crying.  Not me, of course.

	Legend is that after that performance, she went to Beleriad with
her aunt, Isillome, The Sword of the Heavens, and sang the song before the
Gods, and even they were moved to tears at her performance, even great
Mandos.

	Of course, legend has it that she swallwed the Unicorn whole and
managed to hold it for a few minutes, so you can't believe everything you
hear, but still, I suppose it is possible....

	Making the Gods cry, that is.  Not the Unicorn-swallowing.

-7-

	Oh, yes, she visited us often, seemed to be right at home here in
House Gainax, really.  It's strange watching her, so much like Master
Anno's son in the way she carried herself, except when she was eating.  
Which was often.

	Whenever she visits, she always seeks out Jewel straightaway, and
from there they talk for hours on end.  Jewel is greatly curious of the
worlds out there, and Random has traveled much of it, so they always have
lots of things to say.  She tries to teach Jewel things, like how to sing,
but Jewel's just a little too shy to try that, it seems.  And dancing,
they dance together often. There was one time I saw them waltzing in the
eastern balcony, it was so sweet to see them getting along so well.

	The Logrus?  No, it doesn't seem to mind, too much.  Except when
Random introduced Jewel to sippin' logrus.  It was quite upset about that.

	The last time she was here?  Oh, yes, that was during the I'm
Retiring For The Tenth Time But This Time I Mean It tour.  She stayed here
during the concert's run in Chaos, and was frequently practicing her songs
here.  She even held a private concert for us in House Gainax as thanks.  
The songs were all so romantic and wonderful, in particular the 'Logrus
Serenade' seemed to even make the Logrus blush a little.

	No, I haven't seen her since then.  It has been a while, yes.  
Who knows, maybe she actually did retire.  I do hope she's finally decided
to settle down with that nice boy Ian, they make such a nice looking
couple.


-8-

	Random?  Jeez, can she eat.

	Remember all that cheese we had piling up?  Guess who.

	Aside from that, well, yeah, she seems alright.  She's got a
little bit of her granddad's swagger in her, yeah.  Man, Shaft, been a
while since I.....

	What?  NO.  Just because I like men's clothes-

	NO I did NOT.  Besides, it'd be too weird.  I mean, I, um, knew
her grandfather, so....

	NO for the last time... fuck it, get outta my bar!  Out!  Out!


-9-

	Yes, she was among us for a while.

	She made a very promising Stylite at first, but towards the end of
her stay with us, I'm afraid it just went downhill.  Once, I came upon her
to see how she was doing and.... *sigh*.

	There she was, passed out on her pillar, engaging in physical
pleasures with that lecherous Kundali monk Miroku!  Really!  I understand
and respect the order of Kundali, but to meddle with a Stylite bretheren
in such a manner is just... just.... aargh!

	Well... that combined with her other past transgressions... no,
I'd rather not go into detail about those.  It suffices to say that she is
no longer of the Stylite order in any way whatsoever.




-10-

	She who is called Random, that is but a lie.

	She is the gate.

	She is the key.

	She is the light and the way, the spawn and heir of our dread
Lord!  The stars are right!

	Hey, where are you going?  No, wait, there's more you should hear!

	Wait, come back!


- end -