Annotated by Sir Jermaine, Keeper of the Archives of New Graceland
Day 187, ARWFUBAR... (After Reality Was Fucked Up Beyond All
Today I write this from the bridge of the shadow-shifting caravel, "Beat It". Mr. Loader is off in the galley brewing up some concoction of foul bluish leaves that smells divine, will probably taste like the piss of a leprous horse, and cause me to need another replacement spleen... I sniff that wonderful aroma and let my mind wander to the past. I remember it like it was only yesterday...
Ah, that fateful day of my father's death... Sure, he was a crusty old
bastard at times, but he was always good to me. He was on his deathbed,
or so everyone else thought, and was doing the reading of the will... I
knew in advance that he was merely abdicating, though, and I was prepared
to step forward and assume the throne. Things were handed out, and he was
announce my ascention to the rulership of Amber.
Then, someone dropped the lights something fierce. I tried to create a sorcerous light, but failed due to a fairly nasty anti-magic field. About that time, my father screamed in pain, and I heard a female voice saying something about her revenge and killing his whore of a wife. Considering that said voice was talking about my beloved mother, I immediately drew the patternblade Justice and hauled ass for her side. The only drawback with this was that all my siblings that had been TRAINED to fight in the dark ran like violated orangutangs...
So, there I was. Heroically defending the Queen against the unknown
assasin. I was trying to parry madly, but the bitch attacking us slipped
a Logrus dagger into my guts. A lesser mortal would have been paralyzed
with shock immediately from the pain. A lesser mortal also probably would
have exploded from the Primal Chaos tendrils trying to rip them in half...
however, stayed on my feet, and had the presence of mind to try and trump out! This failed, so I pushed Queen Anthy down and covered her so that I would take the force of the blows to save her life, even if it cost my own. At that point, I had no other alternatives, as I saw my death looming...
I pronounced the dread syllables of the Unbinding of Ymrr'Atgawath, a potent working of Outer Sorcery, and managed to dispell the black sorcery that covered us and prevented Trumps from working. However, this gave the assasin bitch time to slam another Logrus Dagger into my guts, accellerating the process of me being converted to Primal Chaos...
I still survived, however, and managed to trump both myself and the unconscious Queen Anthy to Ember, the Primal Realm of Fire. Any other of my siblings would have been torn apart by then by the Primal Chaos clawing at my guts, but I held on through sheer force of will. I alone had the courage and nobility to stand forth and act selflessly to save the queen... (those selfish, cowardly bungers... but I digress)
Yep, I called it. That brew Mr. Loader created is definitely better as incense than tea... Time to steer the Beat It to a technological Shadow so that I can get a replacement spleen again... *sighs*
Anyway. I still have time to relay what happened... There I was, with the unconscious Queen by my side, barely spirited out of danger. There I was, mere seconds away from certain death by Primal Chaos. Inspiration struck, and I recalled a certain sorcerous twist that Fuyutsuki taught me... He had gifted me with the strange artifact known as the PatternFez, the strange hat he cautioned me to wear whenever working with Primal Forces... I concentrated on it and focused all of my massive sorcerous power through the lens of the Pattern inscribed upon it.
The resulting explosion destroyed a fair chunk of Ember's courtyard, unfortunately severely wounded Queen Anthy, and disintigrated everything except for my head, which was protected by the might of the PatternFez, and my right hand, which was protected by the Patternblade Justice, which I still bear...
The Force of My Will and Massive Endurance was such that I did not die,
but was able to ride the waves of energy and use them to keep myself alive
and animate my hand to serve as mobility... It was touch and go for awhile,
I am not ashamed to admit! But I rode it out. Fortunately, shortly thereafter,
I was contacted by my Sainted Sister Leoness, who now reigns
in Chaos as the Queen of All Reality, who got in touch with Mr. Loader through Sean the Librarian. Mr. Loader was able to come to me and bring through a Robotic Michael Jackson that we had Fuyutsuki create as a way of keeping him out of trouble...
He and I then began a delicate operation to replace its control module with my severed head and graft my right hand onto it's cybernetic arm. In the middle of all this, a gigantic meteor, sent by the dastardly Prince Harpo, entered the realm of the Fire Pattern. We had about a minute before the castle and surrounding countryside was destroyed utterly...
Cool as can be, we managed to shift the still unconscious Queen Anthy onto the operating table where I was being rebuilt, and trumped to Amber Castle's roof. From there, I trumped the Pyricorn and warned it about the threat to its realm. It managed to wear down the meteor enough to only lose the city and castle, instead of destroying most of the Primal Realm of Fire, as that utter bastard Harpo planned...
Even that, I was prepared for, as we immediately began work on a gigantic parabolic mirror, to focus the entire power of the sun on a single point. Since we had a crater already made, it was fairly easy... The work proceeded apace, during which time I got fully recovered from my efforts in Graceland, my fast-time Shadow of the Realm. I also managed to raid the Vault and take the Crown and various other mystic implements along with vast amounts of gold. Chiefest amongst them was, surprisingly enough, the Pattern Potato. It was a simple potato, yet it was chock full of happy shiny Pattern goodness. I also found my flagship, the Beat It, stored there. During this raid, I discovered that Lord Baen, my pawn as Castelain, had been sorcerously corrupted by Harpo, spawn of evil. I also managed to prepare a case in the courts of Amber to grant me the throne, since Primogeniture goes through the eldest legitimate child. Since the second time Gendo married Sakura and she convinced him to annul ALL previous marriages, I was the eldest surviving legitimate child. Too bad I never got to use that...
I also proceeded to put in motion plans to sorcerously control the generals
of EVERY BLOODY ARMY out there... 8) If it was in the field on the
land, I owned the brains of it's commanding officers before a full day
had passed. I also controlled the Admiral of the Northern Shalomar Fleet,
and the Vice Admiral of the Southern Mystara Fleet. However, because of
that being anticipated, they were tied up and thrown in closets... So I just picked their brains, and sent in a pair of awsomely powerful sorcerous bombs. They were keyed to the phrase, "I want to shine like the sun", and they did... 8)
Eventually, after this was done, I finally set into motion plans to consolidate my position amongst our surviving siblings. I'd found out that almost everyone was dead, so I gathered with Leoness, Nyall the Unpronounceable, and my younger brother the Marshall. We gathered our diverse forces, and agrreed to a truce to assault the stronghold of Harpo himself.
This was because his infamy had sunk to new lows, and after getting
the demiJewels of Metal and Fire, he created his own Pattern, which was
sapping the life from Amber's sun and weakening things considerably...
Makoto the Mad, sorcerous asskicker supreme, sent a huge asskicking bomb
in, which tore the hell out of the landscape, but left the Corrupt Pattern
Mr. Loader and I then gathered Anthy, Fuyutsuki, and myself, and we forced a Trump contact with Touga, and ate his brain to find out that he was behind all the assasination attempts. We used his mindless husk to call a pair of Chaos Shapeshifting Adepts to our side, who I dominated into taking Mr. Loader's and my places at the final battle.
I also rigged up a sorcerous bomb ten times more powerful than the previous one, linking it to the mighty Pattern Potato to fuel the holocaust. And we then sent our merry pawns on their way to die...
I don't know the end, but it was sure hellish here. Graceland fell apart around my ears, Anthy and Fuyutsuugi blew up messily, and Mr. Loader and I *barely* escaped with our lives in the Good Ship Beat It with a few of our faithful Black Ops Elvii...
Ah, I must draw this entry to a close. We have arrived at a port with sufficient technology to repair the robotic spleen of the Cybernetic Michael Jackson that I wear while the rest of my body regenerates. It'll probably do so by the time we sail over to the Courts of Leoness, High Queen of Chaos who I *really* apologize to for setting traps in all the Library's Trump Decks to kill anyone unwary enough to use them...
~Tenchi of Amber.
the shadow-shifting caravel, "Beat It": This is a magical folding boat, capable of being folded up into one's pocket, or unfolded into a ship capable of swift travel through shadow. It can carry up to a hundred people, if you don't need any cargo or supplies.
I tried to create a sorcerous light, but failed due to a fairly nasty anti-magic field. : Scholars now agree this was probably caused by the use of a 'Mario Ball', a small black metal sphere with something rattling inside it. When thrown to the ground, it detonates, using powerful Logrus effects to block all powers but Logrus, Pattern, and apparently, Outer Sorcery.
the Unbinding of Ymrr'Atgawath, a potent working of Outer Sorcery, : Lord Tenchi has never revealed exactly what 'Outer Sorcery' is, or where he learned it, although some people whisper he may have studied certain works of esoteric lore, such as Liber Ivonis or the dreaded Cursed Black Book of Conv'Ser.
PatternFez: The Pattern Fez is still worn by Lord Tenchi; it's a blue felt cylindrical hat with the Pattern drawn upon it in white. It is generally assumed to have lost most of its power with the Primal Pattern's destruction.
Sean the Librarian: A friendly, skinny man noted for his large collection of anime porn and Frank Zappa tapes and Doctor Who books. He was a close friend and ally of Lord Tenchi until brutally murdered by Queen Leoness. Her reasons for doing this remain unclear.
Nyall the Unpronounceable: Historians have been unable to discover any trace of this person in any of the admittedly fragmentary records of the Day the Pattern Died or any previous events. Many scholars assume this must be a reference to Queen Yenll of New Rebma, elder sister to Lord Tenchi. Except that records indicate she did not join the group assault Harpo until they reached Marx, and then only by Chance. Makoto the Mad and Lina and Davros have also all been speculated to have been this person, as they are known to have been present.
Black Ops Elvii: The ancestors of the present day Elvis Honor Guard of Lord Tenchi's estate. In Graceland, they were an elite commando squad, armed with Flawed Pattern Laser Guitars.
for setting traps in all the Library's Trump Decks : The Queen is known to have set off at least six of these on herself during the Day the Pattern Died. Some scholars believe this is why she killed Sean the Royal Librarian and Firefly, his wife, in retaliation for having given her a rigged deck.