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Nine Princes in Anime
Chapter 4:  Ranma goes to Jail

by 

John Biles

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        I was locked up.  Locked up well.  Locked up tighter 
than Queen Nabiki's purse.  The problem with living in a 
magical castle is that magic is great for keeping people 
imprisoned.  They magically sealed the door to my old 
bedroom, then simply transported food in magically.  I 
had my own bathroom and a never ending roll of toilet 
paper.  No threats.  No physical damage.  The sheets 
replaced themselves magically when I took a bath.  

          I shouted threats.  I demanded to see my wife.  I 
demanded to see my lawyer.  I demanded to see Usagi.  I 
demanded they torture me, just so I could get some 
human contact.  I even offered to kill myself if they'd 
just give me five minutes with someone, anyone, even 
Happousai.  My underwear went missing the next day, but 
that was about as far as that got.

          I had never believed that solitary confinement was 
an effective punishment.  Months and years of luxury 
isolation changed my mind.  I got good food.  I had good 
clothing.  I had all the wine I could drink and a good fifty 
books, none of which I had read before, because I'd 
always preferred doing to reading.  In fact, one of them 
had been on the shelf for a good five hundred years when 
I picked it up.  Someone named Gendo wrote it.  I wasn't 
sure who he was; one of my deceased elder brothers, I 
think.  Got waxed in some war before Pop even met 
Mom.  Probably before Mom was born.  Possibly before 
Mom's shadow even existed.  She's dead now; after Ryo
pissed off some country by trying to seduce the heir to 
its throne, and we got into a war, Mom took me and Kunou 
and Usagi on a nine-year training trip while Pop was busy 
fighting the war.  Then she got killed by demons, who also 
managed to kidnap Kunou.  Usagi and I had to travel through 
Shadow alone for the first time to get back to Anime and 
tell Dad while Wasyuu (who had joined us along the way) 
rescued Kunou.   The two of us have been close ever since.

         Anyway, getting back to the book.  It was called, 
"Prophecies of the Unicorn; Visions of Laputa."    It was a 
bizarre book, a collection of poems, parables, and visions 
gathered from various corners of Shadow and from things 
seen in Laputa.  Laputa floats in the sky, and if you climb 
Mount Fuji to its top, you can find the staircase.  But the 
staircase doesn't go all the way; only on moonlit nights 
does the staircase appear.  The more moonlight, the more 
solid the stairs.  When the moon is full, Laputa is as 
solid and real as any place, although even then, it is 
stalked with nightmares and dreams and visions.  It too 
holds the Pattern, etched in a room deep inside the 
clouds upon which it rests.  

          One passage especially got my attention.  One of 
them was a vision Gendo had while wandering its streets.  
A woman clad in black robes, carrying an hourglass had 
announced, "The day shall come when the third generation 
shall war among themselves, for their father is fallen, 
gone beyond their reckoning, and the great maker is 
hidden away that he might not destroy his own creation 
in his madness.  The father has favored the younger over 
the elder again and again, turning them against each 
other, not once, not twice, but many times.  Blessed be 
the children of the great rebel who have no siblings too 
close to them in age, but few, few indeed.  And now 
ancient quarrels become wars, and wars become 
destruction.  The vengeance of fire comes from the sea.  
The vengeance of air smites the ground.  What is seen is 
not understood, and prophecies must trick their way to 
fulfillment.  Doom comes from above and below, inside 
and out.  It walks a long dark road.  With the power of a 
million lives, the one who dreams madness will smite 
the sustainer of all that is, and then weave his dreams 
into reality with a serpent's eye.  Beware the coming of 
that day."

        I had no clue what it meant.  Other than being a kind 
of attack on Pop's parenting style.  But all the other 
stuff...the vengeance of fire?  How does fire take 
revenge?  And how the heck could it come from the sea?  
But I spent a lot of time thinking about it, because I 
could understand the start.  

           There is much to be learned in Laputa.  I read the 
book a million times in my cell, trying to divine 
whatever hints I might find. I read all the books, over and 
over.  Some of them were actually good.  I hadn't known 
this since I had never bothered to read them; I kept 
getting them as gifts, so I had saved them, but never 
really gone through them.

          I didn't just rot in my cell all the time.  They did 
let me out on a few occasions .  The first time was 
Kunou's coronation.  They splashed water on me and made 
me wear a Playboy bunny costume to it.  They thought it 
would humiliate me, but I was so glad to be out of that 
room that I didn't care.  

         Most of the family was there.  Youshou, Goto, 
Mendo, Ryouga, and Kasumi held places of honor.  
Gosunkugi and Rei looked rather less thrilled but were 
also there.  I was surprised Rei was there; not that I 
expected her to oppose Kunou, but Rei doesn't seem to 
care if any of us live or die.  Usagi wasn't there.  Neither 
was Yuu or Ryo or Wasyuu.  Or Ukyou.

        No one would tell me what happened to them, except 
for Rei.  However, all she said was "They live."  Just 
knowing that helped.

        Youshou was especially angry with me.  He isn't a 
man who gets mad easily, but he spent the entire 
coronation glaring at me.  I had no idea why; he had 
kicked my butt, not the other way around.  

        Ryouga also looked pissed, but Ryouga always gets 
mad at me, even when it's his fault, which it virtually 
always is. 

         Kunou strode in, garbed in the lush satin and velvet 
black and yellow robes of the King of Anime.  For all that 
I hated him, I had to admit that he does look regal.  I was 
quite certain his brain was only slightly larger than a 
pea, but he walked like a monarch.  

         Each of his favored ones carried something.  
Youshou carried the ceremonial sword.  Mendo carried the 
royal sceptre.  Goto carried the royal mirror.  Kasumi 
carried the crown itself.  And Ryouga...he had the real 
prize.  Upon a purple velvet pillow, he carried one of the 
most dangerous objects in the universe.  It hung from a 
silver chain; it could be worn as a necklace, although 
that would be sort of like the president of the US 
wearing the nuclear attack signal box around his neck.  
Which the king does on ceremonial occasions here.  The 
Empyrian Crystal, also known as the Philosopher's Stone, 
the Silver Crystal, the McGuffin Rock, and many other 
things.   

          Every eye turned to it; even if it hadn't been 
shining brightly, the temptation to grab it and run was 
almost irresistable.  I'd never even come this close to it 
before.  Most of us never had.  Every artifact in the room 
had power, but it...it WAS Power.  But with a price.  Use 
it too much, use it wrongly, and it could kill.  Pop had 
virtually never used it.  There were rumors, legends of 
some sort of war where he had destroyed a thousand 
shadows at once with it, summoning a surging sea of 
destruction.  I hoped the rumors weren't true.

          One by one, they presented the artifacts to him.  I 
could see various of those present eyeing the artifacts.  
Not only family attended, but the major nobles as well.  
Kunou made me serve them, bringing them food and drink.  
Several pinched my butt, made comments, or otherwise 
made my life lousy.  And Kunou smiled through it all.

          Gosunkugi especially eyed the artifacts.  
Especially the Imperian Crystal.  I couldn't blame him.  
My mind was flowing through a thousand plans to steal it.  
Youshou blathered on, reciting ceremonial words as each 
item was given to Kunou. 
    
         And then I felt it.  A tickle at my mind.  Just the 
faintest touch of a Trump contact.  I had been wondering 
why Ryo or one of the others (if they were alive) hadn't 
tried to trump me.  I tried to open myself to it, but I 
couldn't...couldn't quite reach it.  Somehow, the contact 
was being blocked, or maybe the other person wasn't 
trying very hard.  Or something.  It was a barrier, I 
realized.  It made sense; they wouldn't want someone 
trying to save me during this, although how you could 
block a Trump contact, I had no idea.  My cell must have 
been blocked somehow, too.

          Well, how you blocked it if you weren't the one 
getting it, that is.  You can almost always refuse a trump 
contact; it's pretty easy unless the other's person's mind 
is a lot stronger.  At which point you'll probably get your 
mind made into swiss cheese.  

          I tried to focus on it.  For just a moment, I heard 
something.  "Ranma...help me."  It sounded 
like...Gosunkugi?  I glanced over.  He had no trump in his 
hands.  

         Several things happened at once.  First, I tried to 
focus on the Trump Contact.  I couldn't see whoever it 
was, but I sent him a message.  "That you, Gosunkugi?"

         "Yes.  We're both prisoners.  Kunou claimed he was 
offering amnesty and I foolishly believed him.  He took 
away my trumps while I was asleep, then locked me up.  
The only reason he didn't put me in a costume like yours 
was..."  He didn't have to say.  Gosunkugi looks wretched 
normally.  He'd look worse in this.  "Well, you can guess.  
But if we work together, maybe we can get out of here."

         "How?"

         "The Silver Crystal.  If you can grab it and get to 
me, I can get us out of here.  Or at least make enough of a 
mess for us to have a fighting chance.  I know we've 
never gotten along, but I can't do this myself.  I need you 
and you need me.  Fair enough?"

          It was our best chance.  Dangerous and crazy, but 
it beat rotting in prison.  I dove for the crystal.  They 
hadn't bound me; I couldn't serve drinks properly in 
chains, and there were enough good fighters that I 
wouldn't be able to get away, anyway.  Without the 
Crystal.

         My hands closed around it.  I flipped away from 
Ryouga before he could react.  The glowing gem in my 
hands, I landed by Gosunkugi.  "Go for it,"  I said out loud.  

        He took the gem in his hands, then howled.  "IT'S A 
FAKE!"

        Goto nodded.  "We thought you'd try this."  He shook 
his head.  "The penalty for trying to steal the Silver 
Crystal...is very harsh."

        Gosunkugi began to cry.  "I almost had it!  THIS IS 
ALL YOUR FAULT, RANMA!  You should have seen it was a 
fake!"

        "How was I supposed to know?  It ain't like I wear 
the thing every day, you know!"  I poked Gosunkugi in the 
chest.  "You're the sorceror, not me!"

        Most people would have attacked me.  He whipped 
out a hammer and nails, and I jumped back.  Seconds 
later, he nailed a doll of me to the throne and started 
pounding nails into it.  "Die, Ranma, DIE!"  It looks 
ludicrous, but it actually works.   He'd forgotten one 
thing...you need hair from your victim or something like 
that.  And you need to do it somewhere that Kunou isn't 
holding the Philosopher's Stone and glaring at you.

       "That is enough!  Who let him have those nails?"  
Kunou said.  He was holding the Stone, still mounted on 
its chain, in his hand.  He had been wearing it already the 
whole time.  It must not have been glowing before he 
started using it.  

         Gosunkugi leapt for the Crystal.  Kunou swatted him 
aside.  He fell down, knocked out.  

          Youshou frowned.  "I believe he conjured them."

          "In seconds?  Conjuration takes time."

           "Not with a spell of conjuration,"  Kasumi said.  
"If you know both arts, you can do the conjuration in 
advance, then release it in seconds.  But you would need 
something to store the prepared spell.   But you could 
prepare just about anything.  For example, he might have 
enchanted his underwear.  If you strip him and bring me 
his possessions later, I can check them.  Just don't do it 
here."  She blushed.  "That would be...lewd."

         When did Kasumi learn sorcery, I wondered.  Do I 
really know any of my siblings anymore?  Or maybe she 
had always known, and I never noticed.  What else had I 
not noticed?  Kasumi must have been acting as my jailor 
on the Shadow Earth.  Unless maybe she decided to take 
advantage of the...no, Kunou trusted her.  Of course, 
everyone trusts Kasumi.  Which would make her perfectly 
placed to manipulate people...no way.  Kasumi is about as 
sweet and innocent as you get.  Three hundred years ago.  
I shuddered.  Just about any of them could be almost 
completely different.  Kunou certainly was.  In the old 
days, he would have been ranting about Gosunkugi's foul 
sorcery by now.

         "Let it be done.  For now, take him away.  Ranma, 
we will set your punishment AFTER the coronation is 
done."

           "Watching you become Otaking is punishment 
enough," I said.  

           Kunou turned to Ryouga, "I don't see your lovely 
wife here."

          Ryouga got married?  Well, that was less 
surprising than Kunou getting a brain.  Some women liked 
Ryouga, although he usually didn't have the sense to love 
them back, setting his sights instead on women he could 
never have.  

           He looked around, looking worried.  "I know.  She 
said she'd be here."

           The doors flew open and a woman ran in.  "Sorry, 
I'm late!  I tried to follow the directions Ryouga gave me, 
but I ended up at some place called 'Bloody J. R. Dobbs' in 
Death Alley."  She frowned at Ryouga.  "And you were 
supposed to come and get me!  Ryouga no baka!"

          I stared at her.  I knew her.  Every word.  Every 
feature.  The tone of voice.  The clothing.  The anger.  
Especially the anger.  Anger mixed with love.  That was 
her keynote.  Akane.  It couldn't be.  She was dead.  Dead.  
Dead.  I had seen her corpse.  I had touched her...I...I 
started crying.  Men aren't supposed to cry, but I was a 
woman, and I didn't care.  "A...Akane?"

         She turned and looked at me.  "Do I know you?"

         It couldn't have hurt more if she had driven bamboo 
under every inch of my flesh.  She had to remember me.  
"It's me, Ranma."

         "Who?"

          Everyone was simply staring; I ignored him.  No one 
else existed but us.   My curse.  That was it.  I got my 
curse AFTER my time in Lodoss.  No wonder she didn't 
recognize me.  I poured some hot tea on myself.  Instant 
male.  She stared in horror, jumping back.  "Keep that 
stuff away from me!"

          I stepped forward.  "It's me, Ranma, your husband."  
I was pleading.  I wouldn't have expected something like 
this to hit me so hard, but I had loved Akane with all my 
heart.  And to see her again.  And it was her.  Or a copy so 
good I could scarcely tell the difference.  If it was a 
joke, it was well done.  

          "Stay back you pervert!"  She backed away, getting 
into a clumsy fighting stance.  "My father taught me to 
take care of myself!"

           The clothing, I thought.   And she wouldn't expect 
to see me here.  That had to be it.  I stumbled towards 
her.  "Akane!"

          Ryouga and her both clocked me in the head at the 
same time.  A symphony in umbrella and mallet.  That 
was the last I saw of the coronation.

*****************

         Imagine being locked in an air-conditioned, nicely 
equipped hotel room for a year.    Then imagine that your 
destiny is to do that forever.  They gave me a sentence of 
eternal boredom for trying to steal the crystal.  To have 
the same fifty or so books to read forever, to never see 
another human being, to stare at the same four walls, the 
same furniture, the same everything.  Some people would 
like it.  It began to drive me absolutely nuts.  I would 
have preferred that they poke out my eyes; at least I 
wouldn't have to stare at the same things every day.  

          All the things I wanted to know but didn't ate at 
me.  Was Ukyou alive?  Was Usagi alive?  Had that really 
been Akane or some kind of trick?  There were likely 
shadows of Akane out there, although I would have 
expected them to all die long ago.  But not so much like 
my Akane.  

           My Akane with Ryouga.  It ate at me sometimes.  
Ludicrous, because it couldn't REALLY be my Akane.  But 
it bothered me anyway.  

           The worst part was wondering if Ukyou and Usagi 
had died or were trying to save me or had given up or 
were locked up or what.  

           I settled into the rythm of it, eventually.  Get up.  
Eat.  Work out.  Eat.  Read.  Eat.  Work Out.  Sleep.  I kept 
in shape, and I read all the books over and over.  
Especially the Prophecies of the Unicorn.  If anything 
kept me sane the first year, it was that book.  I had never 
cared for it before this, but now I devoured it.  Every 
paragraph became something I could spend hours, days 
thinking about it.  I came up with a million theories, 
contradicting myself three or four times a day.

         And I worked out.  Many of my katas weren't too 
workable, but I drilled with every one that could be done 
in my bedroom.  Due to a lack of competition, I had 
slacked off a lot while on Earth.  Even during the building 
up of the army, I hadn't really trained.  Now...there was 
nothing else to do but eat, read, sleep, and train.  

         I was in my girl body all the time; I suppose Kunou 
thought to humiliate me; I never got any hot water; cold 
baths every day.  But I was used to it.  I'd spent three 
hundred years as a woman.  One more wasn't the big deal 
it once had been, much as I wanted my boy body back.  

         Time gradually ceased to exist.  I only found out I 
had been there a year when I woke up to the surprise of 
having someone in the room with me.  It was Kasumi.  I 
assumed I was dreaming.  "Kasumi?"  I hadn't spoken in 
months once I'd gotten past the point of screaming at the 
walls constantly.  

         She nodded.  "I'm here to clean you up for the 
celebration of the first anniversary of Kunou's 
coronation."  She had clothing on hangers in one hand.  
"And dress you up properly, as befits a young lady."

         "I ain't no lady!"

         "That would be 'I am not a lady', which is true.  
You're much too crude, but that can be fixed."  She 
hummed a little tune as she hung the clothing in my 
closet.  "A bath for you first.  I brought some creams and 
special soaps to get your skin clean.  Hopefully, I won't 
have to scrub out your mouth."

          I was too stunned to protest.  And too grateful for 
human contact.  Heck, I would have let Kunou and Ryouga 
bathe me, just to have another human around.  In fact, it 
was kinda nice, even with only cold water.  The scents 
filled the air, finally banishing the faintly musty smell 
of stone and old carpet which had dominated the room.  
"Where's Ukyou?  Where's Usagi?  Are they okay?"  I was 
sure Ryo was fine; with luck, he might have even been the 
one who had tried to trump me when I was fighting 
Youshou.  He could have saved them.  

          "Kunou thinks they're in Anime-3, but Queen Misato 
denies it.  However, several survivors of your army DID 
get there.  The Queen locked one of them up for trying to 
seduce her and another for impersonating her, but one of 
them now works for her, building combat mechs."

           "Ultrastoner?  He's dating one of your daughters, 
you know."  Kasumi's hands were soft, her touch was firm 
as she scrubbed me.  Still, she could been beating me 
with a stick; I would have been happy with that.  "They 
got lost when we messed up with the Wave Motion Guns," 
I said.

          "They're fine," she said.  "Youshou rounded up most 
of the rest of your army and took them back to their 
home shadow, but every once in a while, some crazed 
Otaku pops up leading a bandit gang or signs up for our 
army.  But they're not the real problem."

          "What's the real problem?"

           She dunked water on me, wiped off the suds, then 
started on phase two, which was much the same as phase 
one.  "Creatures from Shadow.  The attacks seem random, 
but they're getting more common.  And some sort of giant 
monster tried to destroy Anime-3.  Queen Misato asked 
us for Youshou's help, but he's ridden off into Shadow and 
won't talk to anyone.  No one knows why."

         I felt myself relaxing more and more.  It was 
wonderful to get this much attention after so long alone.  
"Who...who is Ryouga's wife?"

         "He found her in shadow after a long quest.  He 
decided he wanted to find the perfect woman for him, so 
he rode through shadow until he found her.  Which took a 
few decades, given that he 'shadowstumbles' more than 
'shadowwalks'."  She laughed a bit.  "Who did you think 
she was?"

          "She's just like my first wife!"  I fumed.  He 
probably deliberately sought the closest match to her he 
could find, just to spite me, I thought.  "That's why I...I..."

        "Why you cried," she said softly.  "If a shadow of Ono 
walked in, married to Wasyuu or Usagi or Rei, I'd cry too."  
She reached down and squeezed my hand.  "None of us ever 
met her, Ranma.  You never even showed us a picture."

          "I didn't have any.  Lodoss was destroyed,"  I said 
faintly.  "My daughter died.  My wife, my friends...Parn, 
my chief knight.  His wife, Deedlit the elven sorceress.  
Slayn, my court wizard...everyone.  Everyone died and it 
all blew up and..."  The pain was faded, but I still didn't 
want to think about it.  "Have there been any rescue 
attempts?"

          "A handful of Otaku tried to break in, but they 
failed."  She rinsed me off again and started applying 
some scented oils to my skin.  I guessed I would be 
babysoft for the ceremony for what that was worth.  
"Usagi led an attack by a squad of her Senshi, but it 
failed.  They're all locked up and she only got away by 
making it to the Pattern and walking it."

           "Was...was Ukyou one of the ones..."

           "I don't believe so."  

           I was starting to fall half asleep.  The whole rite 
of cleaning was far more relaxing than my usual regime.  
Normally, I would have been working out by now.  "Is he 
really going to keep me here forever?"

           "Pretty much.  Until it breaks you.  He's had you 
and Usagi declared illegitimate and barred from the 
succession.  And he undid the annulment of Father's 
marriage to Nabiki.  And he barred all of Beryl's children."

          That woke me up a bit.  "What?  How could me and 
Usagi be illegitimate and him not?  We all had the same 
mother!"

          "It's a side effect of you committing treason," she 
said matter of factly.  "You forfeit everything, including 
your royal blood."  She was done with the oils.  She 
handed me a towel.  "I'll go get the clothing for you now."

          I covered myself, not that it mattered too much.  "I 
didn't commit treason!"

          "You led an armed assault on Anime in defiance of 
its Regent.  If that isn't treason, I don't know what is."  
She brought back the underwear, which I put on, even the 
bra, though I hate them.  I would have done almost 
anything to get out of the room.

          "I...I had to."

          She shook her head.  "It was the most incredibly 
stupid thing I've ever seen.  You didn't even make sure 
your main source of transportation would work.  I can't 
even imagine how many Otaku died."

           "Pop said I had to overthrow Kunou because he was 
holding Pop prisoner,"  I said flatly.  

           Kasumi froze in place.  "What?"  She was in the 
middle of turning to hand me the dress.  

           "He sent me a message through our sister 
Setsuna."

          Kasumi blinked.  "Another one of the Lost Ones?"  
That's what we called all the kids of Pop's who 
sometimes show up out of Shadow because he got some 
woman pregnant and never came back.  

          "Yeah.  I can't believe you're working with Kunou, 
Kasumi.  After all he's done."

          "I am not a warrior, though I have fought when I 
must, Ranma.  I don't like politics and I've never wanted 
to rule Anime.  He's been a good king, and he's been here 
to defend Anime when it needed him."

          "You knew where I was for three hundred years and 
you didn't do anything!  The others may think I'm lying, 
but you KNOW I had amnesia."  I was starting to get mad 
now.  "You just watched me!"

          "Father set me to watch over you," she said 
quietly.

           I nearly fainted for dramatic effect.  "What?  He 
knew?"

          "I assumed it was part of one of his punishments; 
you know he tends to favor creative ones.  He said to 
make sure you didn't leave until you started to get your 
memories back."  She held out the dress.  "Here you go."

          "I'd have gotten them back a lot faster if you'd 
done something about it!"

          "Well, after someone tried to kill you, I decided it 
was best to do something about it.  Which is why you're 
here and not still back in that shadow with amnesia.  I'd 
started to worry about you before then; I had a bad 
feeling, so I let Wasyuu know where you were; I thought 
she could cure you if anything short of the Pattern could, 
and I couldn't take you to the Pattern without defying 
Father's orders.  You know how he gets about that."  She 
helped me get into the dress; it was one of those 
elaborate things with a million ribbons, hooks, buttons, 
zippers, and so on.  "But since he said you could leave 
once you got your memories back..."

        "When did you get sneaky?"

        "Probably rubbed off on me from dealing with you 
all those years.  I've been your mother, your cousin, your 
sister, your daughter, your evil twin...a million different 
things, every time your memory lapsed again."  She 
laughed.  "The hardest one was the time you decided I 
was your one true love and you would romance me or die."

           I remembered that; many embarrassing memories 
came back to me.  "I think dumping your laundry hamper 
on me that time I tried to serenade you was uncalled for."

          "But effective."  She tied the last ribbon, then got 
out four more and began tying them into my hair.  "I wish 
I had time to do something with your hair, but brushing it 
will have to do."

           "So why did you do it?"

           "I was desperate to get you to go away; my 
boyfriend was there."  The last ribbon was tied, and now 
the brushing began.  Since I hadn't done much in the way 
of hair care the last year, this took a lot of work.  Yank, 
ouch, yank.

          "No, I mean...you watched over me for hundreds of 
years.  Why?"  I could see Usagi doing it, but while 
Kasumi was a kind and gentle soul, she also was a bit 
flighty and not particularly close to me.  We'd been 
friendly, but that was it; different interests.  

           "Father said it was vital.  And I had a fun time in 
that Shadow; it was like a neverending party with myself 
as the hostess.  I've never wanted to rule Anime, but...if I 
did, I would want it to be like that.  And keeping you out 
of trouble always gave me something to do when the 
round of parties and celebrations palled.  But mostly I 
did it because Father asked me to.  He...He had never put 
me in charge of anything before."  Her voice was soft, but 
the yanks from when the brush hit a snarl made me 
wonder if she was taking out repressed anger on me or 
something.  "Except a few parties.  Never a real 
responsibility; I don't think he paid much attention to any 
of his daughters, except maybe Usagi because she tried 
to be a warrior like him.  That he entrusted me with 
something, finally...I can't really describe how glad I felt.  
Plus, I hoped to reform you."

          Snag.  Yank.  Ouch.  "Reform me?"

          "You were the most obnoxious of my siblings."

          "HEY!"

          "Really.  Supremely confident, sure that you were 
better than everyone, constantly picking fights with 
Ryouga and Kunou..."

          "They always attacked ME!"

          "After you provoked them into it.  Like the time 
you pretended to be a fiancee of Ryouga's set up by Father 
for him.  Just to wreck his date with that girl."

          "I only did that because Ryouga attacked me in the 
middle of my date the previous day!"

          "After you ate his lunch."

          "It didn't have a sign on i!"

          "It was in his room."

           I stared at the ground.  "I thought he wouldn't 
come back for a few days and it would go bad.  I didn't 
want it to get wasted."

           YANK.  Big ouch.  "You're a lousy liar, Ranma.  But 
you keep trying."

           "Okay, okay, I've made a few mistakes.  We've all 
done mean things to each other."

           "If these feuds continue, it will drag us all down 
into the darkness."  She put the brush down.  "Well, I 
should spend about five more hours on your hair, but we 
don't have five hours."

          I stood up.  "I don't like looking girly, but...thanks, 
Kasumi.  I've been so..."

          "Which is the idea, of course.  Kunou wanted to 
burn your eyes out, but I convinced him this would bother 
you more."

          I shuddered involuntarily at that.  Ugh.  "Now if 
you'd just bake me a cake with a trump card in it..."

          She laughed and stood up as well.  "Wouldn't work.  
Goto's deduced a way to jam Trumps, although I have 
no idea how it works.  I'm sure Usagi would have simply 
trumped you out by now if that wasn't the case.  Are you 
ready?"

           "Could you...take a message to Ukyou and Usagi for 
me?"

           "Depends on the message."

            "I just want them to know I've been thinking 
about them."  

             She handed me a blindfold.  "Put this on."

             "What, you're going to take me somewhere 
secret?"

              "It was announced that your eyes were burned 
out.  This is so people won't be able to tell the truth."

              This meal was going to be too much fun, I could 
tell.

*************

          They seated me directly across the table from 
Ryouga's Akane, who wasn't any happier about this state 
of affairs than I was.  I'd had a year to calm down, so I 
didn't freak out again, although it hurt just to look at her.  
She was so much like my Akane, every word, every 
gesture a reminder of my first wife.  I was actually glad 
for the blindfold; I only got a few glimpses of her 
physically, although the voice was enough to revive the 
past for me.

        I could only guess where most of the other guests 
were.  Kasumi was next to me, and I heard the voices of 
Mendo, Ryouga, Kunou, and various nobles I only dimly 
remembered.   Kasumi had to help me eat, which was 
embarrassing.  I felt like a one year old.  From the bursts 
of laughter that happened whenever I spilled any food, I 
got the impression I looked like one too.  

         I've forgotten most of what happened; it was 
alternately humiliating and boring.  But I remember the 
toast.  Mendo rose and said, "A toast to King Kunou of 
Anime!  Long may he reign!"

        Everyone rose and toasted him but me, and then I 
gave him my own toast.  "To King Kunou, may he get what 
he deserves when our father returns.  Assuming he hasn't 
killed our father yet."

         There was shocked silence, and then Mendo said, 
"SILENT!  You are here only on sufferance!"

         I can only shut up for so long and my time was up.  
"I'm certainly suffering."  Then I launched into a long-
winded and utterly pointless rant, which only 
accomplished getting me beaten up and thrown down the 
stairs on the way back to my cell.

           This went on for four years.  I'd had boy's clothing 
the first year; after that, they left me nothing but 
women's clothing.  Every year they came and Kasumi 
would pretty me up for the dinner; it got more elaborate 
every year.  I think by the fourth time, I was probably the 
best dressed person there.  Not that I could tell with a 
blindfold over my eyes.  

          I kept trying to make myself shut up; being beaten 
up pointlessly was no fun, and I was hoping I could 
convince Kunou he had broken me.  If I could do that, he 
might actually let me out of my cell more often, and then 
I might be able to escape.  Unfortunately, at some point, I 
always broke down and started chewing him or someone 
else out, and wrecked the whole thing.

        Some time in my fifth year of imprisonment, I woke 
up one night because a knife-wielding maniac had just 
stabbed my bed.  I should have died, but with the luck 
that only seems to work when I need to not die (not that I 
should complain), I had rolled over just before the blade 
stabbed down into where my upper chest had been.  The 
woman, or maybe man, who was responsible, had not just 
stabbed the bed, but driven her/his? arm into the 
mattress, and was now, in fact, stuck.  This bespoke 
great strength and a lack of agility.

         She/he wore a dimly familiar uniform, a sort of 
double breasted purple jacket and similar slacks with 
grey buttons and trim.  I'd seen it on someone before but 
couldn't remember who had worn it.  It wasn't normal 
garb for assassins in Anime.  She had long blonde hair 
tied back in a pony-tail and a slender figure.  Although 
she was rather flat-chested, I was inclining increasingly 
to think she was female as I observed her, although her 
voice was harsh and deep.  She was cursing as she tried 
to get her arm loose.

        She never did.  Two seconds after I woke up, I broke 
her nose with a quick jab, then unleashed a series of 
blows to the chest, stomach and head with hands and 
feet; I don't mess around with assassins.  Her torso went 
flopping around, and I think it dislocated her arm.  She 
started screaming.  

        I dove for clothing; one way or another, either I 
would escape or people would show up, and either way I 
didn't want to be half-naked when it happened.  She 
wasn't going anywhere.  "Who the hell are you?"

        "I am Zoicite, and I have come to kill you and all 
your wicked brood!  We cannot wait any longer for you to die!"

        "Who sent you?"  I asked, as I threw on a blouse and 
hastily pulled on a skirt.  I could hear guards coming, and 
I could see the door was open.  

        "We are the vengeance of Fire!  Your father thought 
he destroyed us, but we live!  And ANIME WILL BURN!"  
With her free hand, she fired a ray of purple energy at 
me; I had to roll desperately to dodge.  My wardrobe 
crumbled to bits, which made me glad I'd already grabbed 
something to wear, even if it was a skirt.

       I remembered what Rei had told me, but decided to 
think about it later; it was time to book it.  I sprinted 
out the door, only to be confronted by eight armed guards.  
Now, while Anime does have better armed guards than 
most places, most of them can't hold a candle to me.  
"There's a maniac in there!  She killed Princess Ranko, 
and nearly killed me!"  They had started calling me 
Princess Ranko at the dinners; I don't know whose idea it 
was.

        The guards ran past me in a fit of stupidity; stress 
does that to people.  By the time they remembered that I 
was Princess Ranko, Zoicite was trying to kill them.  I 
simply ran.  It wasn't the honorable thing to do, but I 
didn't want to go back to my cell.  Never again.  

          My plan was very simple; make it to the Pattern 
and vanish into Shadow.  Eventually, I would hook back up 
with Usagi and Ukyou.  If I could, I'd get the Pattern to 
take me directly to them, but I wasn't sure if it could do 
that.  Take me to a place yes, but a person?  I had never 
tried it.  

         I barreled through the corridors of the Palace, 
sending guards flying like bowling pens.  I took a few 
seconds off to knock down a statue of Kunou just because 
I could.  At one point, I think I might have actually run 
past the real Kunou; if it was him, all he did was blink in 
surprise, although I heard something a few seconds later 
which might have been a shout.

         Down the stairs I ran.  I had been imprisoned in my 
old rooms, which meant I had to get from the fourth floor 
to the dungeons.  Luckily, the guards are trained to stop 
prisoners from escaping the dungeons, not from escaping 
into them.  Many had heard the alert, but didn't really 
know what was going on, so they watched the wrong 
directions, and usually assumed I was reinforcements 
until it was too late.  

        I flung open the door to the Pattern room, and 
started to run towards the Pattern, which was easy to 
find since it glows in the dark.  Then I got hit by a 
mattress.  It hurt.  I went flying, and then it hit me again.  
While Zoicite had yet to demonstrate much brains, I have 
to admire someone who can keep going with the amount 
of beating she had taken.  For that matter, figuring out 
where I would go showed some brains as well.  Zoicite 
had cuts all over her uniform and a bruised face.  
Wielding the mattress with one hand showed she had a 
lot of strength and nimble fingers as well.  

         Once the surprise factor was over, however, I 
simply grabbed the mattress and swung it around.  She 
clung to it and went flying towards the Pattern.  I winced 
and closed my eyes; I hadn't planned that, I was just 
trying to disarm her.  When I opened my eyes, she was 
gone.  What a horrible way to go, I thought.  There was 
never anything left of people who tried to walk the 
Pattern if they didn't have the blood of Anime, but not 
everyone burst into flames; some just vanished silently 
like Zoicite.  

         I stepped towards the Pattern, setting my feet upon 
it just as Goto and Ryouga sprinted in with a squadron of 
guards.  I ignored them and started walking; they couldn't 
chase me, you can't go very fast on the Pattern and I had 
a head start.  "Too late boys and girls," I said, going as 
fast as I could, just in case they decided to try chasing 
me anyway.

         Ryouga snarled  "Your confederate killed six of our 
guards!"

         "That maniac was trying to kill ME!"  I shouted back.  
"But she's dead now; she fell on the Pattern while we 
were fighting."

         "A likely story!"  Ryouga shouted.

         Goto sighed.  "I think he's telling the truth.  Let's 
go, Ryouga."

        "GO?  We have to stop him!"

        "We could try shooting him down, but the Pattern 
doesn't take kindly to things trying to pass over it.  I 
once tried throwing a rock over it and the back blast 
knocked me out for a day.  Would you like to give it a 
try?"

         Back blast?  There hadn't been one when Zoicite 
went on it, I thought.  Maybe he wants me to get away for 
some reason, I thought.  

         They turned and departed, though Ryouga clearly 
wasn't happy about it, and I kept going.  Finally, I reached 
the center.  "Pattern, take me to..."

         Then the crystal daggers slammed home into my 
gut.  I coughed up blood onto Zoicite, who had appeared 
again.  One of these days, I need to learn that 
teleportation trick.  Zoicite laughed.  "This is how it 
ends.  Your blood on the Pattern made by the blood from 
which you sprang.  Even better than I had planned."  Not 
too much blood on the Pattern, really; real humans rarely 
spurt blood in huge quantities.  But I did see a few drops 
land on the Pattern, which sizzled and turned black 
where they fell. 

        Most people would have crumpled and died.  I'm not 
most people.  Still, I knew that even I was gonna need 
help desperately.  But if I said where I wanted to go, 
Zoicite would hear, and might be able to follow me.  So, 
instead, I dropped low and swept Zoicite's legs, then 
kicked her back towards the Pattern.  She vanished for 
just a few seconds to avoid landing on it.  That was all I 
needed.  "Take me to somewhere I can get help."

        I found myself standing on a king-sized bed with 
blue and green satin sheets, occupied by two sleeping 
people.  I hadn't seen them in centuries; I had found my 
way into the bedroom of Queen Belldandy of Megami City 
and her husband, King Keiichi of House Morisato.  
Belldandy was Kasumi's mother, but things hadn't worked 
out between her and Pop.  Mostly because he was married 
to Nabiki at the time, but she had been tricked into 
thinking Nabiki was dead.  Or something like that.  I know 
she wouldn't have had an affair with my father if she had 
known Nabiki was alive.  For that matter, I can't 
understand how he won her heart under any conditions.  

        I woke them up by collapsing, moaning, and bleeding 
all over the sheets.  That's one way to get people's 
attention.  I don't know what they did next, because I 
followed that up by passing out completely.

*********

         I woke up with bandages around my chest, feeling 
clean and rested, in a nice soft bed with striped red and 
white sheets, and several nice pillows.  The room was 
dimly lit by a glowstone; there were no windows.  The 
walls were decorated with tapestries of pastoral scenes, 
and a pleasant floral scent filled the air, stronger than 
the small vase of flowers on the table near the bed could 
account for, especially since peonies rarely smell like 
roses and violets.  At least in most shadows.  I can tell 
you that a rose by any other name often isn't a rose at all 
sometimes, though.

       There was a small pull cord by the bed, and a large 
wardrobe, and several chairs.  And that was about it.  Oh, 
and two doors out.  One was ajar and showed me part of a 
bathroom, the other was shut tight.

       I pulled the cord instinctively.  A tiny bell rang, and 
a few seconds later, a young lady with a green tattoo 
that resembled a tree stuck her head in.  She had long 
blonde hair, but most of it was hidden by the black and 
green hood she wore over it.  She also wore a long green 
tunic gathered at the waist with a black belt which went 
down to just below her knees and long black boots.  
"Greetings, Lord Ranma.  Welcome to Megami City.  I am 
Flora, a third class Megami, a tender of the Tree.  Would 
you like some breakfast?"

       My stomach rumbled on cue.  "Very much.  And I'd like 
to send my apologies for bleeding all over Queen 
Belldandy and her husband."  I usually end up making a 
mess every time I visit her, but this time took the cake.  

        She nodded.  "There is clothing in the wardrobe.  I 
will bring you food, and I believe Queen Belldandy wishes 
to see you once you are ready to rise and shine."

       "I don't think I'm gonna be shining any time soon."

       Laughing, she departed.  By the time I got dressed in 
a nice white shirt, some black pants and a blue vest, she 
came back with breakfast, which was pancakes, eggs, and 
bacon.  Death by cholesterol for most people, but being 
from Anime means not having to care about such things.  

         I went down to see Queen Belldandy, feeling much 
better.  Flora took me to her in the Lesser Garden.  That's 
lesser in the same sense that the Indian Ocean is a lesser 
ocean in size than the Atlantic or Pacific.  It's still 
humongous, a vast expanse of flowers and trees, and 
shrubs and hedges cut into interesting shapes.  I walked 
down a path lined with begonias and bluegrass.  Literally 
blue grass. 

         Queen Belldandy was talking to some sunflowers as 
I approached; no, she's not a whacko.  The flowers talk 
back to her.  Like Pop, she's got enough magical power to 
level a small city; unlike Pop, she wouldn't ever use it 
that way.  She's beautiful, although her hair flies 
everywhere; it looks good on her.  She was wearing one of 
her elaborate fifteen layer dresses, brightly colored, and 
probably very hot to wear.  But she likes them.  "Hello, 
Ranma," she said without looking.  She always does that.

         "Hello, your highness.  Thanks."

         She turned and smiled; it's easy to see where 
Kasumi got her personality from.  She's a lot more like 
Belldandy than Pop.  "I'm glad you're okay.  So what will 
you do now?  You're welcome to stay as long as you like."

         "I can't.  I have to go rescue Pop.  Somehow.  And 
find Ukyou and Usagi."

        "Your wife is very lovely, although she nearly burned 
down the guest house,"  Belldandy said.  It was an 
observation, not a complaint.  Belldandy rarely 
complains, and when she does, it's time to listen, 
because for her, that's the equivalent of most people 
screaming in a berserk rage.  "She and Usagi should be 
here soon."

          That made me feel much better.  "So where are 
they?"

          "Hidden away in some shadow Usagi found a long 
time ago."  She shook her head.  "Youshou passed through 
here a few days ago."

          I looked around instinctively, expecting Youshou to 
pop out of a tree or something.  "You didn't tell him about 
me?"

          "Before you arrived.  He consulted the Oracle."

          "About what?"  I didn't expect her to tell me, or 
even to know necessarily.  There's a cavern deep in Mount 
Delphi, which stands to the west of Megami City, and if 
go far enough in and fight enough ghosts, you reach the 
Oracle, who sits over a big crack in the ground sniffing 
fumes that come up out of the ground.  Besides having 
really clear sinuses, she can answer questions you ask 
her.  But the answers are usually pretty hard to 
understand.  And sometimes misleading if you interpret 
them wrong.  

          "He has reason to believe his first wife is alive."  
Belldandy said.  "He is searching for her."

          She had died a good four hundred years ago or 
more, as far as I knew.  Youshou had been ruling a shadow 
named Jurai about the same time as when I was in exile; 
a lot of us did that around then.  It got destroyed by a 
some sort of shadow travelling pirate named Kagato, and 
his wife died.  A good five hundred years ago, in fact.  
Maybe a little more.  

          "She's alive?  What makes him think that?"

          "I have no clue," she said.  "But he's been looking 
for her for years now, apparently."  A butterfly landed on 
her hand.  She smiled at it, and continued.  "You're 
welcome to stay as long as you like."

         "Thank you.  I'll probably move on once I get back 
with my wife.  And finally go find my blasted magical 
sword.  And..."  I thought a moment.  "I was attacked by 
this nutcase; that's how I got hurt, and...she was babbling 
about the vengeance of Fire or some such thing."

         Belldandy's face darkened.  "I have feared 
something like that would happen."

         "Like what?"

         "There are three Patterns commonly known to those 
of Anime.  One on land.  One in the water.  One in the air.  
One might logically deduce that..."

        "There should be one which is in some kind of fire 
place."  I'm not a genius, but a ten year old could have 
made that deduction.  "So, did Pop blow it up or 
something?"

        "Before you were born, when your father was still 
married to Beryl, there was a war between Anime-3 and 
the City of Brass, as it was called.  Your father signed an 
alliance with Anime-3, and used the Silver Crystal to 
destroy the City of Brass."

          I shuddered.  "The entire thing?"

         "A great fire-drake sent by them had burnt most of 
Anime to the ground the previous year, and he was trying 
to retaliate.  He overdid it a little.  The city vanished as 
if it had never existed, sending a great shockwave 
through Shadow.  Worst of all, your older brother Gendo 
was caught in the blast and has never been seen since.  
Apparently he was leading a secret commando raid which 
he had neglected to tell anyone about.  He was always too 
secretive for his own good."  She  sighed and gently 
flicked the butterfly away, then walked over to me.  
"Beryl went berserk; she had many relatives in the City 
of Brass and had opposed the war from the start.  She put 
a curse on your father and stormed out, trying to take her 
children with her.  But Genma somehow stopped her...I 
don't know the details.  She hasn't been seen since."

         "So probably Pop just made it get lost, and now the 
people from it are trying to get even.  Or maybe they're 
survivors.  And they might have Beryl leading them."

          Belldandy nodded.  She was close to me now; I 
could smell her floral perfume, and wondered why anyone 
going to a garden full of flowers would bother with a 
floral perfume.  "Your father made many mistakes, but he 
usually meant well."

         "I wish I could believe that."

         "Still, he has sown a whirlwind, and I'm afraid it 
will fall to your generation to reap it.  Dark times are 
coming.  I have seen hands reaching through Shadow, 
stained with blood.  And Genma's children stand in the 
eye of the hurricane."  Her voice was somber, a rarity, 
but then it lightened.  "Here they come."

         I heard the running feet a few seconds later, and 
then Ukyou slammed into me.  I went flying into the dirt 
with Ukyou on top.  Her hair was bright red now, but her 
eyes were still the same soft brown they had always 
been.  "You're alive, alive, alive, alive."  

          Usagi was there a few seconds later, with Mamoru 
in tow.  Pretty soon, I came close to being crushed to 
death, or simply flattened.

         Finally, I managed to get to my feet.  "Kunou 
couldn't kill me, but you nearly did."

         Ukyou laughed, and picked me up.  "Time for us to 
catch up on lost time."

         "Nice to see you again, Mamoru," I said as she 
carried me off.  "See you later, Usagi, when she's done 
with me."  Normally, I would have protested anything this 
embarrassing, but I hadn't been with my wife for years 
now.  I'm only human, after all.

***********

        Once physical catching up was over with, we got 
down to telling each other what we had been up to.  It 
didn't take long for me to describe years of boredom; 
Ukyou took longer.  

          "Usagi and I got saved by Wasyuu and Ryo, who 
dropped us off at Anime-3 while they went off looking 
for something they wouldn't tell me about.  So we hung 
out there for a few months, trying to reassemble the 
Senshi as best we could, then headed to Shadow Juuban 
to build up a rescue force."

          She slumped against me, and put her head on my 
shoulder, talking to my cheek.  "Usagi wouldn't let me go; 
she was afraid I'd be captured.  She was probably right, 
but I wouldn't talk to her for weeks.  She got stomped.  
She was the only one who got away.  Well, and Mamoru.  
And Uranus and Neptune, although they had to dive off the 
walls to get out.  Apparently whatever stops trumps 
doesn't extend past the castle walls."

        She sighed and stroked my cheek contentedly.  
"Setsuna managed to rescue a few of the senshi by 
disguising herself as Santa Claus one Yule, but most of 
them are still locked up.  Well, most of the powerful 
ones.  So we've spent the last few years building up an 
army in Shadow Juuban and trying to figure out some way 
to rescue you.  And covertly helping Queen Misato.  These 
giant monster things have been attacking Anime-3, and 
each one is stronger than the previous one.  Well, that's 
the short form of what we've been doing.  So what's the 
plan?"

         "First, I find my magic sword.  Secondly, I'm 
going...to find a shadow of Lodoss.  That will give us an 
army capable of functioning in Anime without any 
problems.  And thirdly...we have to go looking for the Fire 
Pattern.  If these maniacs are going to be hunting 
me...then I'm going to start hunting them.  Kunou can 
wait; I don't like people trying to murder me."  I ran my 
fingers through her hair; the jury was still out on 
whether or not to like its new color.

          She nodded.  "But first...I'd like to take a nice little 
vacation with you somewhere wonderful.  We...I want to 
be with you, with just us.  No interdimensional wars or 
assassins or Fire patterns or anything for just a few 
days.  Please?"

          I could use a break myself.  "Hmm.  I know a 
shadow which is one giant beach resort.  How does that 
sound?"

         "Wonderful.  Shadow Acupulco?"

         "Shadow Club Med," I said, laughing.  "I'll wheedle a 
car or some horses or something from Queen Belldandy 
tomorrow, and we can go spend a few weeks there 
relaxing.  Just the two of us."

          As fate would have it, we ended up with the two 
us, Usagi, Mamoru, a gaggle of Senshi, their boyfriends, a 
flock of Megamis who overheard and decided it was a 
good idea to take a beach trip, Queen Belldandy herself, 
King Keiichi, and...well, I'll talk about that in the start 
of the second book.  But we did manage to relax, in 
between the large bursts of total chaos. 

**********

End of book 1 of the Chronicles of Anime.

Book 2, The Water Guns of Juysenkyo, will start as soon 
as I get cracking on it.