Author's foreword:
In case you're wondering, yes, this takes place in the same universe as my
Green Arrow/Nabiki story.  It is set the year before the concluding events
of that story, and the year after that story started (with the plane
blowing up).

*****************

Silly Origins #2:
Starring
Ranma as Batman

"Riddlers and Barbers and Pandas, Oh my!"

An Anime/DC fusion

by

John Biles

*****************


       Commissioner Goto yawned.  It was another incredibly boring day as
the head of the Nerima District Police.  He should have been happy to be
the head of a newly created police department; most people would have
been.  However, given he had been in the running for head of Tokyo's
Central Police Department, this was essentially exile to a backwater, even
if he was still in Tokyo.

      He hadn't minded entirely.  It had been a string of unusual crimes
that had led the metropolitan authorities to give Nerima its own police
department, because the Highway Patrol was too busy dealing with other
problems to properly investigate these.  He knew the continued existence
of the department was dependent on success, and that if he failed, they
would be shut down, which was exactly what his old bosses wanted.  

      Right now, he was going over the Special Crimes files.  Three
costumed whackos had been terrorizing the ward.  The first one was a
maniacal barber with a palm tree growing out of his head, who had been
robbing barber shops AND shaving heads at random. The second one
was a rampaging sentient panda, which had been terrorizing food shops.
The third one was a crazy woman who had been robbing florists.  The weird
thing was that she took plants instead of money.  

      He had been plotting out the robberies, hoping to find a pattern,
but the only pattern seemed to be that all the robberies had taken place
in Nerima ward.  Although, if you tried really hard, you connect the dots
and get a face that looked sort of like the Prime Minister.  Or possibly
Harvey Korman.  

     Lt. Ohta came and leaned over Goto's shoulder.  "Nice picture of Idol
Angel Mami there.  Didn't know you could draw."

     "Any luck with the latest report?"

     There'd been another attack reported at Yama-san's One-Stop Sushi
Shop.  The Panda was striking again, so Goto had send Ohta's squad to try
to stop him.  

      "You're not gonna believe this, chief..."

*****************

      My name is Ohta.  There's a million tales in the big city, but I'd
rather shoot things than tell them.  I'm a cop, which means I get lots of
chances to do just that.  

      It was 5:30 pm, the rush hour at Yama-san's One-Stop Sushi Shop,
which is located just outside the business center of Nerima.  I like to go
there and grab some raw fish, so I can pretend I caught it with my bare
hands and eat it raw, just like a wild animal, listening to it scream
in...anyway.  

      My squad arrived at the shop and piled out of our mini-van.  "Get
the stun guns.  We're sending this guy to the zoo, where he belongs," I
told them.  

      Everyone nodded and got the tranquilizer rifles.  Shige had assured
me that the drugs in these were strong enough to knock out five elephants
and a marching band.  This wasn't the first time we'd faced the Panda.
"Shinohara, Izumi, you go left.  Clancy, Yamazaki, you go right.  Shinshi,
stick with me.  We'll lay down a covering fire while the others take down
the panda."

      They nodded and moved out.  I kicked the weapon to automatic and
hosed down the room, hoping to draw the Panda's attention. It was sitting
at the bar, upending an entire 3 gallon drum of sushi into its mouth.
What a glutton.  There were a few civilians in the way between us and it,
but my spray of tranquillizer darts soon removed those obstacles.  

      Shinohara was shouting something about lawsuits, but I ignored him,
having sunk into my automatic MG fire Zen no-mind state.  I always knew
that training would come in handy one day.  

      The Panda blinked as the last of the civilians went down, then
turned and tossed the drum of sushi at me.  It landed on my head, then
something heavy struck the drum and I passed out.

************

       Goto sighed.  "If you start one more report by introducing yourself
as if I didn't already know who you are..."

       "Well, my last chief had kinda bad memory,"  Ohta explained as he
sat down.

      "So then what happened?"

      "I don't know.  I was unconscious."

      A man made of less stern stuff than Goto would have probably hosed
down Ohta with bullets by now.  Instead, he said, "Did anyone actually
witness what came next?"

      Ohta nodded.  "Izumi saw the whole thing."

      "Send her in."

      Ohta left, and Izumi came in shortly afterwards.  "Hi, Chief. You
wanna know about what happened with the Panda?"

      "Yes."

      "Okay, this is how it happened..."

**********************

      As usual, Ohta lost it completely and started shooting everything
that moved.  I'd already taken cover behind a table, because I got clipped
by him yesterday during the Jewelry store robbery.  Asuma-kun stuck his
head out and shouted, "I don't think you can afford another lawsuit,
Ohta!" but he got pegged by a stray shot and went down.  

      The Panda tossed this huge drum of sushi onto Ohta's head, and
Shinishi clonked it with his rifle until he was sure that Ohta had stopped
moving.  By that point, the Panda had picked up the Sushi chef and tossed
him at Clancy and Yamazaki.  They both got knocked down, and then he
charged them.  I popped up and put three rounds of tranquillizer in his
back, but he just ignored it.  Clancy went for her handgun, but he crushed
it, then picked up Yamazaki, said, "Growf" and smacked her in the head
with them.  They both collapsed.  He turned and growfed at Shinishi, who
panicked and ran.  

       So it was just me versus the Panda.  I hid, hoping he wouldn't
think to look over here.  He held up a sign.  I've never seen a literate
Panda before.  It said, "Go away.  I'm eating."

      I stayed down and called for another squad, but my radio wasn't
working.  There was a tranquillizer dart stuck in it.  The Panda waddled
back over to the bar, and sat down, and then SHE showed up.

      She had long red hair and a black body suit with a big yellow bat on
her chest.  No, not a real bat, a sort of bat-symbol.  She also wore a
hood/mask with bat ears, and a long black cape.  She was dripping wet,
which surprised me, until I looked and saw it was raining outside.  "Yo,
Panda, back to the Zoo with you," she said.

      I was trying to remember if today was Halloween when the Panda got
up, growfed loudly, and tossed another drum of sushi at her.  She sprang
into the air, landed on the moving drum and kicked off it straight at the
Panda, who looked surprised.  He went flying.  

      Not surprisingly, the Panda got back up.  More surprisingly, he
dropped into what looked like a martial arts stance.  So did she.  They
fought back and forth across the restaurant for about three minutes, but
finally, she swept his legs, then stuck a big funnel in his mouth with a
big yellow bat symbol on it, and set up a third drum of sushi to go
pouring down it.  While he ate, she tied him up and hung him from the
ceiling with some kinda weird bat looking grappling hook.

      I got up and said, "I'm officer Noa Izumi of the Nerima Special
Crimes Unit, NSCU. Who are you?"

      She struck a pose and said, "Let the criminals of Nerima beware, for
I am..."  She paused dramatically.  "BATMAN!"  She turned and ran off into
the howling rain, leaving me to wonder why she didn't call herself
Batwoman.

****************

       Goto sighed.  Costumed Vigilantes.  Just what we need.  Then again,
with cops like Ohta...  "Right.  Izumi.  I'm promoting you to Lt. and
putting you in charge, since you're the only one who didn't get knocked
out."

       "..."

       "Ohta's not going to be happy, but we can't afford another fiasco
like that.  Report down to Supplies and get the new badge and new uniform
for your new rank."

       "We don't have a Supplies division."

       "Have Shige bust out the sewing machine, then."

       She saluted, smiling.  "Yes, SIR!"  

       Now we have another mystery to investigate, he thought.

******************

       *Flash*!  Ranma was used to cameras going off in his face by now.
Being the richest, most famous playboy in Tokyo had both its good and its
bad side.  Right now, he was attending the ceremonies for the opening of 
Wainu Enterprises new corporate headquarters in Nerima.  There was a
woman on his arm, but he couldn't remember her name.  Sayuri, he thought.
Sayuri...Yamano?  Maybe.  He needed her to be there, though, whoever she
was.  All part of the image he had to maintain.  

       A reporter was here, shoving her microphone in his face.  She had
short, spikey swept-back orangish-blond hair and he knew he'd seen her
before, but couldn't think of where.  "So, Mr. Wainu, do you have any
comments to make for the news reading public?"  

       Ranma stared at her.  Nanami something.  Yes, that was it. He'd
seen her on TV news.  Or maybe in the newspaper.  Both?  "Hello,
Nanami-chan."  One advantage of being rich was being able to call people
by their first names all the time.

      She blushed slightly.  "You know me?"

      "I've seen your work."  He turned briefly to the girl clinging to
him.  "This is my friend Sayuri Amano."

      Sayuri blushed.  "You remembered my name!"

      Ranma wished for a moment that she didn't sound so suprised.  "This
new headquarters is an expression of our belief in our city and my support
for the ward where I was born.  We won't bow to these new super criminals
who have been terrorizing this city."  He paused.  "Now, let's everyone
get DRUNK TIL THEY CAN'T STAND UP!"  He grabbed a bottle of champagne and
chugged it.  I hate keeping up this act, he thought.  Pretty soon, he
couldn't stand up well enough to keep anything up.

******************

      Yamazaki walked into Commissioner Goto's office.  "Package for you,
sir."

      It was green with big black questionmarks all over it.  "Has it
already been checked to see if it is a bomb?"  He asked.  

      "Checked by who?  I could have Ohta shoot it."

      Goto sighed.  "Call in Ohta."

      Yamazaki blinked, went to the door, and shouted, "Hey, Ohta, the
boss wants you to shoot his mail."

      Goto blinked, and before he could speak, Ohta rushed in and fired
round after round into the package.  Pieces of paper flew everywhere.
What remained was some pieces of newsprint and what had once been a spring
mechanism.  Something about 'shore of a river' and 'Witching hour'.  "Next
time, wait for a direct order, please, Ohta."

      "I thought it was about to go off or something."

      Goto sighed again.

*****************

      The guards at the Twelfth National Bank never did figure out why the
man in the question mark costume and his three giant insectoid thugs stood
around for twenty minutes after they got their money.  Nor did they
overhear him muttering to himself as he left, "Charlatans.  Can't even
figure out such a simple riddle.  This was too easy...although the money
will help with my next escapade."

      The first insectoid thug, who was wearing fake glasses and a fake
moustache said, "ADDFOWUERKUEIRUe.", which translates as, <Maybe it got
lost in the mail.>

      The second giant insectoid said, "APODREIOKVJKDJF.", which
translates as, <Maybe they thought you wrote 'Happy Hour'.>  He was
wearing a beret and had a curly black hair wig.  

      The third one tried to mime a response, but no one understood it, so
he gave up and tried to keep his blond wig from falling off.

      "There has to be someone worthy of me,"  the Riddler said.  "After I
mailed Mizuhara to Timbuktoo, life has lacked challenges."

      A little blue-haired newsboy was standing on the corner, hawking
papers.  "News Flash!  New Hero defeats rampaging Panda!  Police refuse to
make statement on any connections to 'Batgirl'."

      The Riddler smiled.  I think I've found my next target.

*******************

      Ranma slammed the newspaper down on the table.  "BatMAN, not
BatGIRL!  Or at least BatWOMAN.  I'm not a child!"

      "Perhaps you should have saved your debut for a day that wasn't
raining."  Misato Wainu was Ranma's step-sister, personal manager,
butler, cook, combat advisor, chief of supplies, and personal pain in the
butt.  She was about five years older and never let him forget it.  After
the death of his parents when he was five, he had been adopted by her
family.  Ranma had been starting to recover when they got killed too.  He
and Misato had sworn an oath of vengeance to avenge their parents, and
taken up a cover routine of appearing to be completely worthless.  Ranma
was pretty sure Misato had gotten a little too much into the cover
identity; he didn't think most women her age lounged around the house in
tank tops and shorts all the time, drinking enough beer to send an entire
fraternity to its knees.  

      Still, when push came to shove, she was highly competent.  While he
had a great tactical sense, she had a strategic sense.  Thanks to some
Wainutech technology, she could see what he saw and hear what he heard
thanks to some widgets in the suit, and then feed him relevant information
carefully stolen from every online source they could find, as well as
offering useful combat advice.  She was a decent fighter, too, though she
prefered to stay back and act as strategic commander.  That was fine with
Ranma, who didn't want to risk her getting hurt.    

      Ranma blessed the day that someone had invented microwave pancakes,
as it meant he finally got a decent breakfast.  Misato was a great cook,
but she only really cooked on holidays; it was microwave foods the rest of
the time.  Ranma was also a great cook, but he also refused to cook except
on special occassions.  It wasn't a man's job in his opinion, although
with his stupid curse...

      It had happened the day his step-parents died.  The family had gone
on a vacation to China when he was eight and Misato was thirteen.  They'd
visited a place called Jyusenkyo, and had the misfortune to be caught in
the middle of a war between some weirdo called Vandal Happy, who was some
kind of immortal perverted old man, and a white-skinned (as in chalk
white) guy with the head of a bull and hooves and tentacles and what not
named Pantyhose Grundy.  Ranma still didn't know what they had been
fighting about, but in the process, their step parents got hit by stray
rocks and fell into two of the pools and drowned.  Misato and Ranma had
tried desperately to save them, but all they got from it was a curse.
Ranma now turned into a woman when wet and Misato became a man.  They both
hated their curses, but at the same time, they were used to it by now.
They'd been looking for a cure for years, but with no luck.  Jyusenkyo
didn't even show up in maps.  Ranma suspected it must be magical and was
hiding from him.  

       "Yeah, well, evil doesn't wait for the sun to come out,"  Ranma
finally said, sighing.  "Got reports on the Barber and Poison Ivy ready?"

      "Yes.  Since she doesn't bother to wear a mask, I believe that I've
even tracked down the real identity of Poison Ivy.  According to the Tokyo
DMV records, her name is Kodachi Kunou.  She has a degree in Biology from
Ivo's Academy for the Criminally Insane.  Her metahuman ability is the
power to control plants and trigger them growing at an acclerated rate.
She's been robbing florist shops in this pattern."  Misato laid out a map
on the table with various dots marked in green.  "No apparent pattern."

      "I know too much about Kodachi.  The fruitcake's been trying to 
get me to marry her for years now.  I thought she'd gone away and
given up, though."  Ranma looked at the map. "Hmm. These numbers are the
order of the robberies?"

      Misato nodded.  "Yes."

      "What's her driver's license number?"

      Misato rattled it off.  Ranma began connecting the dots following
the order of her driver's license number.  They formed a series of kanji.
"Ranma, I WILL get you to mar".  

      Misato blinked.  "To mar?"

      "Marry, of course.  Let's go put the Batcomputer to work and project
where the next robbery will be assuming she completes the next kanji at
the same scale..."

***********


       Tsukino Usagi was bored out of her mind.  She wished once again
that her Dad had decided to give her a summer job instead of her Mom.  Of
course, if she REALLY got what she wanted, she would be slacking off with
her friends, or maybe having an adventure with her Mom's old cronies, but
instead, she was stuck here, trying to sell plants to people.  Not that
she didn't like plants.  Usagi didn't mind helping out at Tsukino flowers,
but doing it every day was boring with a capital B.  

       She sat behind the counter and read some old Justice Society manga
from her mom's collection while she waited for new customers.  Thus, she
didn't notice that half the plants were walking out until the rhodendron
behind the counter tripped and fell on her.  She looked up, and was
greeted by a sight out of Day of the Triffids.  A woman clad in a green
leotard stood in the midst of the exile of plants.  Her hair was long and
black, gathered in a pony-tail, and her face was a mask of mania.  "Be
free!  Your slavery is ended!"  she shouted.  

       Usagi said, "Hey, you're stealing all Mom's plants!"

       "Ah, the slavedriver speaks!  You have no right!"  Vines erupted
from several of the pots, surprising Usagi, since she didn't remember them
selling any vines.  They wrapped around Usagi and pinned her to the wall,
gagging her at the same time.  The woman walked over.  "I am Poison Ivy,
champion of all that is green, and the future wife of Ranma Wainu."  Her
voice softened.  "We'll be so happy together, don't you think?"  The vines
moved Usagi's head, making her nod.  "I'm so glad you agree with me.  Just
for that, I'll let you live."

        "You're not marrying anyone!"  came a voice from the doorway.  A
man clad in a black bodysuit with a batlike hood and a long cape stood in
the door.  The braided pony-tail didn't quite match the rest of the
ensemble, except for being black, though.  "Time for you to take a little
trip back to Arkham Asylum, Ivy."

      "You can't go back somewhere you've never been, and I've never been
there.  I think maybe I'll go drop in on my fiancee, Ranma, now."  She
paused and looked at the man.  "Hmm.  Are you some sidekick of Batgirl's?"

      The man twitched.  "I am BATMAN!  I am not ANYONE's sidekick!"

      Poison Ivy walked a little ways closer to him.  "Ahh, so you're just
ripping off her schtick?"

      The man twitched again.  "I can't rip off myself!"

      "You don't look female."  She moved closer again.

      Batman started jumping up and down.  "I'm NOT FEMALE!"

      Now she was only five feet from him.  "Then you are a rip off.
Batgirl came first, and you can't be her if you're not female.  Nor are
you her sidekick.  You'd better hope she doesn't sue you for trademark
violation."

      Batman was about ready to explode now. "I AM NOT RIPPING ANYONE OFF!
I'M NOT VIOLATING ANY TRADEMARKS! I'M THE REAL SUPERHERO!"

      Her hands were on his shoulders now as he ranted and raved.  She
kissed him and his pig-tail suddenly went straight up in the air.  His
eyes widened, and his body stiffened.  Quietly, he fell over, unable to
move.  

      Poison Ivy laughed. "Hmm. Not too bad a kisser. I'll let you live.
Ta ta!"

      She walked off with her army of plants, laughing.

**********

     Batman was staggering to his feet as the Nerima Police arrived.  Lt.
Izumi said, "Hey, did you see a woman with an army of plants?"

     "Yeah.  She got away."  He frowned.  "But I think I know where she
will strike next.  Probably tomorrow at the Chiba Arboretum."

     Ohta said, "Right.  We'll rig it to explode! That'll stop her."

     Batman turned to go before he would have to explain how she got away,
but Izumi said, "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Batgirl's sidekick, by any
chance?"

     Batman twitched.

     "We've got a message for her.  Tell her to come down to the station,
okay?"

     "I'll let her know."

**************

      "You do it."

      "Hey, you do it!  You're Batgirl. I'm just your Oracle."

      "I am NOT BATGIRL!"

      Misato and Ranma were wrestling in the Batcave, trying to force each
other to go downtown and pick up the message.  Naturally, Ranma won, even
after Misato dumped a bucket over Ranma's head.  Misato sighed.  "They'll
know it's not you."

      "That's what wigs are for, sister."

**************

      "So you're Batgirl?"  Chief Goto asked.

      Misato, in the Bat costume, nodded nervously.  She could hear
Ranma's voice whispering into her ear, giving her advice through the tiny
radio reciever in the large 'bat ears' of the hood, but she ignored it,
since Ranma rarely knew what he was doing.  "Yes."

      "Okay, here's what happened."

*************
      
      Lt. Izumi dropped another package on Chief Goto's desk.  "Another
message from this 'Riddler' fellow.  Except, it's addressed to 'Batgirl,
care of the Nerima Special Crimes Unit'."

      Goto sighed.  "We're not a referral service.  Open it."

      She pulled it open and they found a Teddy Ruxpin inside it.  There
was a tape in his belly.  Chief Goto blinked and pushed his on button.
"Hello, Boys and Girls.  Do you want to hear a story?"

      "Sure,"  Izumi said.

      "Once upon a time, there were three bears who lived in the forest.
They decided to take a walk, and a young girl named Goldilocks found their
house.  The door was unlocked, so she went right in."

      Chief Goto sat back and listened, wondering why he had ever agreed
to take this job.  Izumi seemed enraptured by the story.  

     "She was hungry, and she found three bowls of porridge.  The first
one was too hot.  The second one was too cold. The third one was just
right, so she took out a handy thermometer, and measured it, then used the
fridge and the microwave to adjust the other two.  Then she ate it all."

      "I bet this is supposed to be a clue,"  Izumi said.

      "Or he put the wrong tape in,"  Goto said.  Or he's just whacko,
which is my theory.

      "Goldilocks was in the middle of tossing the TV, the microwave, and
the stereo into her big magic bag when the three bears came back.  They
ripped her apart and had her for dinner."  The voice continued to be
mellow through all this.  "So Goldilocks' big brother, Hulk Hogan, went
looking for her when she didn't come back."

       "EEEP!  They killed Goldilocks!  The Bastards!"  Izumi shouted.

       Goto tried to decide if suicide really was painless.

       "The Hulkster found the three bears, and shouted, "Whatcha gonna do
when HULKAMANIA runs wild over you?"  He grabbed Papa bear and bodyslammed
him, then grabbed Momma bear and threw her across the ring into the ropes,
then jumped up high and came down on Baby Bear, who was trying to get to
the edge so he could tag off to the Undertaker.  Baby Bear got knocked
out, but then Papa Bear launched himself off the ropes like a slingshot
and knocked the Hulkster into one of the pillars.  But did the Hulkster
give up?"

       "NEVER!"  Izumi shouted.

       "I hope so, so this story ends soon,"  Goto said.

       "He grabbed Papa Bear and lifted him over his head, then threw him
at Mama Bear. They got thrown out of the ring, and the Hulkster became WWF
champion again.  They gave him the magical WWF championship belt, which
grants you three wishes and lets you turn Macho Man Randy Savage into a
Knicknack whenever you want.  So he used the first one to bring Goldilocks
back to life.  He used the second one to turn the three bears into throw
rugs.  And he used the third wish to rig this Teddy Ruxpin to explode at
the end of the tape."

       Izumi screamed and leaped behind the desk, throwing herself to the 
ground, as did Chief Goto.  For a moment, all was silent.

       Teddy Ruxpin said, "Geez, you're gullible.  Anyway, here's your
hint, Batgirl.  I am a dweller in the shadow of greatness in the
afternoon, but in the morning, it must dwell in my shadow.  I am dead now,
but with the spring, I will rise again.  What am I?"  He then began to
sing the Bannanas in Pajamas theme song.

       Izumi winced.  "Ack."

       The door flew open and Goto charged in, blowing off Teddy Ruxpin's
head with a shotgun. He then paused.  "Sorry, Chief, I thought some alien
was after you from that awful music."

       Just this once, Goto was actually glad he had Ohta on his squad.

**************
      
       Misato thought for a few minutes.  "The Tralala Art Gallery.  The
statue, 'Greatness', of old war heroes, in Hai Park, stands to the west of
it.  So in the morning, Greatness stands in the shadow of the gallery.  He
forgot to put any clues as to when he would strike, though."

       "And he put that horrid Banannas in Pajamas song on there,"  Chief
Goto said.

       "Ah!  Well, that settles it.  He will strike whenever that show is
on the air."

       "Fridays at 730 in the morning."

       Three days to prepare, Misato thought.  Wait..730 in the morning?
BLEAH.  "You can count on my help."

       "Is there some way we can contact you in the future?"  Chief Goto
asked.  "You're not in the phonebook."

       "We could toss Ohta from the top of the Tokyo Tower and use his
screams as a signal,"  Izumi suggested.

       "That only works once,"  Goto said.  "We'll build a large spotlight
that shines a bat on the clouds."

       "What if it isn't cloudy?"  Misato asked.  "I'll start an Alt
newgroup. Alt.Contact.Batman.  Then you can just post a message if you
need me.  And I'll set a robot program to watch for messages."

       "We don't have any Internet access.  They didn't fund us very
well."

       "I'll arrange to have you sent some."

****************

       The next morning, everyone had a brand new 'Wainutech 3000'
computer on their desk and a 'WAINUAC 45' mainframe they were all linked
into.  The systems ran the 'WAINUOS' operating system, and had a screen
saver of Ranma Wainu posing with a bottle of vodka and a cute model.  They
had built in cup holders AND a CD drive.  

       "Dang, Batgirl has serious amounts of money,"  Asuma said.  

       Chief Goto simply smiled faintly.

****************

       It was a dark and stormy day.  Batgirl was annoyed, as she had been
watching the arboretum for three hours and simply getting wetter and
wetter.  There was no sign of Poison Ivy.  The sound of a tile slipping
hit her eardrums, and she spun just in time to see some blond girl in a
black leather jacket over a white and blue school uniform sliding down the
tile roof right at her.  She leaped out of the way and caught the girl by
one of her long trailing pony-tails, which caused the blonde to let out a
cry that was so loud and intense, she almost lost her grip on the girl.  

       Reeling her in, she saw it was the florist's shop girl from the
previous day, now clad in a school uniform with a black leather jacket and
a black domino mask.  The leather jacket had several colored patches on
the front:  'JSA Merchandising, Inc.', 'Rick's Cafe', 'I fought the
Ultra-Humanite and all I got was this lousy patch', and 'Kilroy was here'.
There was also a very hard to see logo of a black canary, which didn't
show up very well on a black jacket.  She was also wearing high heels,
which are simply not designed for walking on tile roofs.

       "Go home, kid,"  Batgirl said.  "I can tell what you're thinking,
and I don't need some sidekick cramping my style.  I'll get your revenge
for you."

       The girl finished screaming and said, "Yeah, I know you already
have that Batman sidekick.  But, hey, I'm not just some stupid kid!  My
mother was the original Black Canary!"  She looked proudly at Batman.

      "Your mother was who?"

      "Black Canary! Of the Justice Society!"

      "Who?"  

      Misato, who had been listening in, began punching up the superhero
historical database in the Batcomputer.  

      "Anyway, I've been training to take over the job, and I guess this
is as good a time as any to start."  She struck a pose, and nearly fell
off the roof again.  "Not only am I trained in five martial arts, I also
have a sonic scream."

      "I've never heard a scream that wasn't sonic."  Ranma said, trying
to show off he knew something.

      She frowned.  "I can punch through solid stone with it."

      "So you can scream real loud.  Big deal."

      When she blasted Batgirl off the roof, across the street, and
through the roof of the arboretum, where she landed on the head of a
moderately bishonen college student named Mamoru, knocking him out,
Batgirl was somewhat more impressed.

*********

      Batgirl woke up tied to a tree by vines, along with several
employees, and 'Black Canary'.  Most of the Nerima PD was strung up as
well.  Poison Ivy was sitting on a bush trimmed to resemble a horse and
telling it to giddyup.  The disturbing thing was that it was indeed
galloping around.  

      "So what are you going to do with us, Poison Ivy?"

      "I think I'll give you all to my dear darling Ranma as a wedding
present.  He's on his way now!"

      Batgirl blinked.  "He is?"

      "I called him, and he said he would rush down to see me."

      Batgirl tried whispering into her microBatmike to Oracle, "You
there?"

      Silence.

      The arboretum doors opend, and a tall man stood in the shadows. He
was wearing a tuxedo and had a long black pig-tail.  He carried a bouquet
of roses, and walked with grace through the shadowy arboretum.  The rain
had thoroughly drenched him, and his nice shoes made squishy noises as he
walked.

      "RANMA!"  Poison Ivy bounced over to him, and took the flowers,
breathing deeply, then quietly thunked over.

      The man grinned.  "Well, that was easy."

      "Oh, Ranma, you are such a joker!"  Poison Ivy said, getting up.
"You remembered the time I used that on you!" She blushed.

      "Urk," was the man's reply.  He got a big sloppy kiss from Poison
Ivy and fell down himself, but he didn't get up so quickly.  

      "Hey, you're not Ranma!  You TRICKED ME!"

      Batgirl had taken this opportunity to wiggle a hand free and reached
down to her utility belt to get the BatAcid.  She pulled a small container
loose and opened it.  A huge four foot long spring erupted out, bounced
off the vine, and fell to the ground.  It was the BatSlinkie.  

      She went through the BatSprayCheese Dispenser, and the BatPez before
she finally found the acid and freed herself.  "Okay, playtime is over,
Poison Ivy."  

      Poison Ivy turned around.  She charged right past Batgirl and hugged
the poor acid eaten vines.  "No!  You poor babies!"

      Batgirl paused.  I don't like fighting girls, she thought.  But how
else am I gonna stop her?  "You'd better surrender or..."  She grabbed a
nearby violet.  "This plant gets it!"

      "You murdering monster!  Enemy of all green things!" Poison Ivy
twitched.  "Feh.  I give up."

      "Release everyone."  

      The vines slithered off them and the cops moved in and handcuffed
Poison Ivy.  "Back to the asylum for you."

      "I'll get you for this, Batgirl!"

      Batgirl sighed.  She turned to Black Canary.  "Go home, kid."

      "I am not a kid!  She wouldn't have gotten me if you hadn't alerted
her to us being here by falling through the roof!"

      "I wouldn't have fallen through the roof if you hadn't blown me
across the street!"

      The man who had come in with the roses was getting up now.  "C'mon,
Batgirl.  Let's go home and get drunk in a victory celebration."

      Black Canary watched Batgirl get dragged off.  Is that her
boyfriend?  He's kinda cute.  Maybe that's...yeah, that must be Batman,
her sidekick.  That makes sense.  I wonder if he's seeing anyone...

**************

       The Wainu house had an indoor heated swimming pool/super economy
size Jacuzzi.  Misato and Ranma took a nice relaxing swim and discussed
the next step in their plans.  "Look, you need to memorize which slot
holds what, Ranma.  I can't always be there to tell you."

      "If you didn't keep moving stuff around, it would be a LOT easier."

      "If you hadn't put a slinky in one of the tubes, it would be a lot
easier, too!"

      "Hey, I LIKE slinkies!"  Ranma shouted.

      "Like your latest girlfriend?"

      Ranma swam over and unleashed a power slap on the water, thoroughly
drenching Misato's face.  "I'm only dating her as a cover.  If everyone
thinks Ranma Wainu is a playboy, they'll never guess I'm actually..."

      "Batgirl."

      "I'm gonna kill you now."  He closed in.

      "I thought you didn't fight girls."

      "Sisters don't count."

      The pool was half-empty by the time they finished.

***************

      Another day, another rooftop.  The sky had finally cleared. No more
rain.  Thus, Batman was somewhat surprised when a huge shadow began moving
across the rooftop from which he was watching Hai Park and the Art
Gallery.  Looking up, he saw it was just another blimp, so he ignored it
and went back to watching the street.  

      He was very surprised when the alarms went off in the Art Gallery,
since no one had actually walked into it, and it didn't even open for
another hour.  Looking around, he saw the blimp was parked over the Art
Gallery, and three humanoid bugs were hauling paintings up and down a rope
ladder.  Taking a running jump, he reached the roof just as one of the
three bugs, all wearing little green domino masks finished lifting two
more paintings through a question marked shaped hole in the roof.

      They were no match for his skills, or for the BatRaid he was
carrying.  Spray, scream, punch, thunk.  He felt great.  Finally,
everything was going his way.  He then dropped down through the hole.
"End of the line, Riddler!"

     The Riddler had just finished attaching a huge question mark shaped
stick of dynamite to the prominently displayed Reubens painting, "Three
Dutch men stuffing their faces".  "So, Batgirl, you think you can...hey,
you're not Batgirl!"

     "I am...Batman!"  Batman struck a triumphant pose.

     He screamed.  "What do I have to DO to get some decent recognition?
I want Batgirl, not her sidekick!"

     "Don't scream and throw yourself at him like a mad dog," Oracle
whispered in Batman's ear.

     "Are you psychic?" he whispered back.

     "Tell him he's not worth the real thing.  He'll get mad and do
something stupid."

     "You're...You're...Batgirl was too busy trimming her nails to bother
with you."  Batman said.  "You're ugly, and your mother dresses you funny.
And I think you couldn't come up with a decent riddle to save your life."

     "Oh really?  Let's have a riddle contest, then!"

     "You're on!"

     A furious contest ensued.  The Riddler barraged Batman with riddles,
while he then spouted back answers provided to him by Oracle, then
counterattacked with more riddles.  This went on for a very long time, by
which time, the police, the news services, the owner of the gallery, a
crowd of passersby, Elvis, some bored aliens, and that ugly guy who sells
fish downtown were all sitting around watching.  Vendors were milling
through the crowd selling hot dogs, ramen, sodas, and miso soup.  

      After the first few hours, someone brought Batman a nice comfy
chair, and another one for the Riddler so their feet wouldn't hurt.  They
relaxed, took a break for lunch, then launched into another round of
riddles.  Finally, the Riddler said, "What is the sound of one hand
clapping?"

     Everyone oohed and aahed.  A classic, but a hard one.

     Batman said, "Come a little closer.  I have to do this by mime."

     The Riddler walked over.  Batman boxed his right ear.  The Riddler's
eyes widened and he quietly thunked over.  The cops grabbed him
immediately.  Batman waved to the crowd and bowed.

     Reporter Nanami Jinnai walked over and said, "While I have to agree
my brother just got what he deserves, I do have one question for you."

     "Sock it to me."

     "Is it true that you work for ..."

     Batman's screaming was still ringing as he fled out the door, down
the street and off into the sunset.

     Nanami blinked.  "I was going to ask if he worked for Wainutech...
Geez, what a weird guy."    

************************

      Chief Goto stamped three file folders, 'Case Closed'.  Things
were looking up.  Batgirl had brought in the Panda, Batman had taken down
the Riddler, and some girl's loud screams had apparently taken down the
Barber on his latest rampage.  

      They had a new computer system, Ohta had promised to start taking
his tranquillizers, and all in all, life was looking up.  They'd even been
transferred two new cops, who hopefully would live up to their reputation
as high speed pursuit experts.  He opened the first personell file,
'Kobayakawa Miyuki', and began to read.

****************