[Opening shot: STILL: A vast grecian style hall with fluted columns, fountains, birds, tables, couches, statues of almost-naked people with ridiculously perfect bodies, and a vast array of people, black, white, yellow, mauve, off-chartreuse, scaly, clad, unclad, bodies to kill for, bodies to kill to avoid having, etc, etc. ACTION: Shot pans across the hall, revealing the inhabitants are dressed in the style of dozens of times and places. Some one-eyed guy with a pair of wolves at his feet is having an argument in the corner with some young dark haired guy carrying a spear with ravens on it and wearing a medallion, while a dark haired girl in a sailor fuku and a pair of ravens on her shoulders is yelling at both of them. A red-bearded fellow with a big hammer hanging from his belt is trading lightning bolts with a white-haired fellow who seems to be holding out for a better deal. A thin fellow in white robes is trying to convince a bunch of ochre-robed fellows he really never was fat, nor did he shave his head, although he did smile a lot. Soon a lot of head-smacking with begging bowls is underway. Finally, over at a relatively high table, four people are whispering and looking at a map. The first, ATHENA, is dressed in Grecian robes, and has a golden helmet on her head, a spear lying by the table next to her, and a covered shield next to the spear. Her hair is long and blonde, her features are finely chiseled and perfectly beautiful, and her eyes are grey and shining, except for the fact that she has a black eye. The second, BALTOR, is short and fat, with greying hair except for the large bald spot in the middle. He is impeccably dressed, however, in blue and gold Renaissance style garb, complete with a big floppy hat that makes his head look like a mushroom. He has gold rings on every finger. The third, SANDY, is tall, with a lush figure, wearing a red dress that leaves rather little to the imagination, along with a jeweled tiara, a ring on the fourth finger of each hand, and a pair of bracelets and anklets. There is an ornate jewled staff made of some sort of blue and orange wood leaning against the table near her. Her hair is long and red, and she has green eyes. She sits with both hands behind her head, stretched out in a blatant act of fanservice, that would be more blatant if this was visual, and not just in print. The fourth, EHLVIZ, has short black hair, and is wearing a white rhinestone studded jacket. There is a microphone lying on the table near him. He is a little bit pudgy.] Baltor: I take it Mobius was not amenable to an alliance? Athena: He is rather focused on getting revenge on some thin guy or something...One of his minions got snooty and punched me in the eye after he tried to make some moves on me and I said no. Sandy: [raises an eyebrow] He punched you in the eye for saying no? Athena: [blushes slightly] Well, it was after I hit him in the head with my shield and punted him into one of Mobius' crocodile pits. [pauses] Why he feels it necessary to litter the halls of his domain with crocodile pits and deathtraps... Ehlviz: It's a genre thing. Being the god of evil masterminds would warp anyone after a while. Baltor: So what did you do to him after he hit you in the eye? Who was it anyway? Athena: Who knows. Mobius goes through servants the way most people go through kleenex. Well, my brother is taking care of the fellow now. [Cut to shot of Apollo driving the chariot of the sun with a guy in a goofy super-villian costume being used as the tire on one of the wheels. Then cut back.] Baltor: So it's just the four of us against Orcus, Anthraxus, Metallica, and Slayer. Ehlviz: You're getting planets confused again. We're dealing with Karinth in this round, not Bastard!. Baltor: [mutters to self] How many hotels do I have on this planet? Sandy: Perhaps you should add forgetfulness to your portfolio to go with wealth, merchants, and the need to diet, Baltor. Baltor: Why, you! [starts to get up] Athena: [pulls Baltor down] Calm down. We'll never stop Orcus, Anthraxus, Tiamat, and Hamstur the Unbearable by fighting among ourselves. Agreed? [Baltor and Sandy sullenly nod.] Ehlviz: Well, I think what we need is to use the old switcheroo. Baltor: The what? Ehlviz: Fake left, go right and then... Sandy: This is not a football game! Athena: I've been talking to Jordan, the god of extremely long fantasy series, and I have an idea. Baltor: I want 50% of the movie rights. Athena: What? Baltor: Weren't you about to say we could write a really long set of novels, with associated films, toys and a tv series, and use the funding to hire mercenaries to stop Orcus and his goons? Sandy: Get real, Baltor. We're gods. We don't need money. Baltor: EVERYONE needs money! Sandy: Yeah, yeah. What we need is heroes capable of stopping their minions. Unfortunately, all of Karinth's heroes are either busy, retired, or have already been borrowed by other gods who needed them to save other worlds. Athena: Will you people let me finish? [They all shut up.] Athena: Better. Now, I did a little asking around, and I found the perfect world. It's full of people who would jump at the opportunity to be heroes and save a world. They're called , whatever that means. I've already filled out the hero request forms. We just have to go collect them and imbue them with a bit of our power. We can turn them loose, and with a little guidance, they'll save the world. Ehlviz: How'd ya get the request through the celestial bureaucracy so fast? Athena: [blushes again] I uhm...had to promise someone a date... Sandy: Now that's using your noggin for once! Baltor: I bet that's not all she'll be using...Hmm...maybe that's how you got those breast implants, Sandy. Sandy: [leaps to her feet and glares at Baltor, pointing at one of her breasts] These are natural! Besides, I'm a goddess! We don't NEED breast implants! Baltor: [waves around a picture of a slightly geeky looking red haired female teenager with glasses and a flat chest in rather demure stereotypical wizard's robes who bears some resemblance to Sandy] Oh, and who's this in this picture? Sandy: [tries to grab it] HEY! I was a mortal then! [The meeting degenerates into a brawl. Iris out] *************************************************************************** [Iris in: STILL: A sea-gull flying in the sky. ACTION: The camera follows the bird as it dives towards a medieval city by a river. The bird dives towards four figures standing on the city wall. The image goes still again.] Voice: CUT! Cut! That's been done a million times! No more bird diving towards heroes standing on some high place for no apparent reason shots! Voice 2: Uh right. So what do we do? Voice: I don't know! Something...DIFFERENT! Voice 2: Right. *************************************************************************** [Cut to: STILL: A busy market in a fairly normal medieval city. MUSIC: Cuts in at this point. ACTION: A sound like thunder rumbles through the market. People turn and stare. Soon, it becomes apparent that the crowd is moving out of the way of...something. ] Voice: AAAAHHH!!!!! Second Voice: What are YOU DOING? Third Voice: Don't worry, I read about Elephant handling in that Cthulhu adventure I got for Christmas! [The mob opens up and an elephant barrels through, with four people clinging to it, chased by several dozen city guards.] Woman in glasses [The third voice]: [looks back] Maybe we'll get to see if an Elephant can stomp Nylarathotep as flat as that truck you guys ran him over with during that adventure I ran set at... Man in a suit: JUST DRIVE!!!!!!! Woman in glasses: Drive an elephant? Man: WHATEVER! DO IT! [The elephant crashes along, and knocks down a series of signs which spell out: The Eternal Game OAV #1: Opening Moves by John Biles Inspired by way too many fantasy novels, El Hazard, Guardians of the Flame, Rumiko Takahashi, Terry Pratchett, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, my AD&D campaign world, Greek Mythology, and other sources way too numerous to mention (like Warhammer Fantasy RPG and Jack Vance, and...oh wait, I said too numerous to mention...) Any resemblence to persons real or imaginary is purely intentional, unless it makes you angry, in which case it's all the fault of Libyan terrorists. Go sue Kodachi...I mean Kaddhafi. A Raging Wombat Studios Production. Karinth and all persons therein not created by someone else and shamelessly stolen by me, copyright John Biles (1985), if anyone cares. Elminster was not harmed in the filming of this OAV, nor were any gods or ridiculously powerful maguffins, I mean wizards. Sir Not Appearing in this Picture, however, was beaten, stapled, folded, spindled, mutilated, then gut shot and thrown off a ferris wheel onto an iron spike fence. Never, ever forget to get mayo on my hamburger if I ask you to get me one. Enough said. [Cue unwritten, but probably cool theme song and opening sequence] *************************************************************************** [Iris open on STILL: A typical two story house in a typical suburb full of one to two story houses all built to the same specification, in nice, neatly laid out streets, with one tree each per yard. The only real difference between houses is who lives there, if they mow their lawn frequently, and what kind of car(s) they have. Call it Suburbia, USA. Or call it Plano, Texas. It's not that Plano is visually boring. Plano transcends visual boredom and enters an almost exalted realm of clone housing. Some kids who grow up there reward their parents for sacrificing for years to raise, feed, clothe, and educate them by going on wild drinking parties and making fools of themselves. The more desperately bored go the total rebel route and become goths, punks, or homeboys, spouting their disgust with their parents' square ways, while failing to notice that by becoming different, they've simply become just like all the other rebels, and thus don't have to face the real challenge faced by the tiny few who are different. Some embrace school and become the geeks, whether ashamedly or defiantly. They find their release in the activities of the mind. And some deal with the boredom by chopping orcs into hamburger, saving the world from Cthulhu, making the Kessel run in 2 parsecs by taking the shortcut through Alberquerque, and speculating on whether Lord Foul or Sauron would win in a cage match. The narrarator will humbly admit he's one of those people, and so are the heroes of this tale. Well, the protagonists are...it remains to be seen if they will measure up to true herodom or die horribly like typical Michael Moorcock characters. ACTION: The camera zooms into the house, phasing through a wall and the audience now sees a table like many others. Four college students, home on summer vacation, sit around the table. TERRI HATCHETT sits behind a screen, papers and books and dice strewn across the table. Her blonde hair is short and a pair of glasses perch on her nose, enabling her grey eyes to see clearly. She has a faint smile on her face as she reaches for a pair of dice. Her figure is slim, and she wears a loose blue shirt that reads, "Kiss the DM" along with blue jeans. She is around five foot five. Looking nervously at her from across the table is a Japanese college student named YAMAFUJI HAYAO in the Japanese name order or HAYAO YAMAFUJI in the European style. He has short, neatly combed black hair over brown eyes. He wore a navy blue suit with a blue tie, embossed with the symbols of various currencies in gold. Marginally shorter than TERRI, being only five foot four, he makes up for it with an imposing presence and a maturity of visage that makes him look in his late twenties, rather than twenty. Right now, his brows are furrowed with worry. To his left sits ANDREW TALK, who is busily fiddling with a miniature of a bard. In contrast to YAMAFUJI, he is somewhat androgynous, with almost the same hairstyle as TERRI, but his hair is black, his eyes brown. His figure is slender and his voice soft; he wears a t-shirt that reads, "I go to Southwestern, NOT, NOT, NOT Southwest Texas." and blue jeans. He winks at KARIN THOMPSON as TERRI rolls the dice. KARIN THOMPSON is a beautiful woman, with long red hair, dressed in a green blouse that matches her green eyes, and a slightly darker green skirt. She smiles back at ANDREW, then makes some adjustments to her character sheet. Her clothing is fairly tight on her; its hard to be sure if it is just her full figure, or whether it shrank in the wash, or she deliberately went for the tight-fitting look. ] Karin: [moves her hand and moves a miniature female wizard from an upright to a lying down position] Morgan hits the deck. Andrew: [does the same with the bard miniature he has been fiddling with] Buddy Holly does the same. Terri: [before looking at the dice] Can't you chose some other name? It's jarring to have a bard named Buddy Holly in a world full of rampaging wombats, evil dragons, wizards named Mordenkainen, and... Andrew: I LIKE Buddy Holly. [crosses his arms] The name stays. So is Samurai boy toast or what? Karin: Samurai boy died last session saving Princess Elayne from those trolls. Hayao is now running Aradil Eglarond, an Elven Fighter/Thief, whose about to prove for the fifth time today he can't find traps to save his life. Hayao: [flatly] Thanks for the vote of confidence. Karin: You're welcome. Good thing we stocked up on healing potions, back in Rin. Hayao: [nods gravely] And Aradil is quite grateful to you for it. Karin: No problem. You keep blowing yourself up, but that means the rest of us don't get hurt and we're all getting loot out of it. So does he get shot full of darts this time or what? Terri: [looks at the dice] Aradil carefully removes the poison needle trap, while failing to notice the contact poison the lock is coated with. Save vs. Poison. Hayao: [rolls a die] Three. Terri: Aradil turns five different shades of green, then collapses frothing in a delicate manner. [scribbles notes on her notepad] Aradil takes five points of damage and is unable to do anything but froth 4d6 bubbles a round for a turn. [Hayao buries his face in his hands. Terri frowns slightly and sighs. Andrew gets up and goes to the refrigerator to get a coke.] Terri: Sorry, Hayao. You really should have put more points into find traps, and less into look cool. Although you really did impress that merchant's daughter. Hayao: [looks up and smiles faintly] True. Andrew: Too bad her father hates Elves and tossed you through a wall. [He opens the fridge. Mist swirls out of it and he vanishes in the fog for a moment, then staggers back.] Andrew: Umm, Terri, I think you need to turn down your refrigerator. Terri: [starts to get up] Paul's been trying to cryogenically freeze frogs again, I bet. My brother can be such an idiot. [The mist boils forth, filling more and more of the room. Terri fumbles around in the fog.] Terri: Where's that stupid refrigerator? [Soon the mist engulfs them all.] Karin: Oh man, it's gonna eat us or something! [starts screaming] Andrew: Don't panic! It's just the fridge malfunctioning.... Hayao: I wish I'd brought my sword. [stands protectively near Karin. Andrew frowns.] Andrew: Calm down! This isn't any worse than the time Paul spilled liquid nitrogen during that Call of Cthulhu adventure. Karin: Yeah, right when the Dark Young came charging forward, shrouded in mist! I think Terri planned that! Terri: I DID NOT! [mutters] I can't even find the counter in this... [The mist clears. The foursome stands at the top of a fog-shrouded cliff, under a stormy sky. Thunder booms in the distance. ] Karin: [faintly] Well, that explains why you couldn't find the counter. [swoons. Hayao reaches to catch her, but somehow she ends up in Andrew's arms instead] Terri: Okay, Paul. Very funny! We've had enough! Hayao: Even Paul would have a rather hard time with this one. Terri: Remind me to tell you about the Klingon invasion one time... Andrew: Where are we? Someone put a portal to Narnia in your refrigerator or something? I've been telling you for a long time that thing needs serious repairs, but... Booming Voice: [shakes the cliff top as it speaks] WELL YOU MIGHT ASK! Second voice: Not that loud, you idiot! They'll go deaf! Booming Voice: Shh, they can hear you! Terri: Okay, Paul! What's going on here! Booming Voice: I have been called many things, but Paul is not one of them. Terri: How about IDIOT? Or MORON? Look, Paul, I'm sick of you disrupting our gaming sessions! I come home for vacation and all I get is harrassed by you and your stupid Goth friends! Now show yourself or I'll give you a paddling when I find you. Booming Voice: ... Third Voice: Are you sure we got the right people? Fourth Voice: Are you four Terri Hatchett, Andrew Talk, Hayao Yamafuji, and Karin Thompson? Karin: [wakes up] Is someone calling me? Terri: Yeah, that's us. Gee, Paul, I'd almost think you weren't certain who we are...IF I WASN'T YOUR OLDER SISTER! Second voice: [laughs] I'm hardly male. Andrew: Maybe Paul finally got a girlfriend. Terri: And maybe my dog has run away to live with Snoopy. Booming Voice: Look! Take us seriously! We're gods! [The four college students start laughing.] Andrew: And I'm the King of all the Britons! Booming Voice: Hmm...that's not on your fact sheet. Hayao: If you're gods, do something divine. Second Voice: Right. The King of all the Britons will now become a slimy toad. [Andrew becomes a slimy toad. Karin acks and leaps back. Terri and Hayao blink.] Hayao: [thinking] This has potential. Terri: Hey, turn him back! Second Voice: So now you're ready to believe? Terri: Well, I'm pretty sure you're not Paul now...Paul would have done that a long time ago to me if he knew how. [The four heavenly voices laugh faintly.] Second Voice: Kiss him and he'll turn back if he really is a King. Karin: That was a joke...he was making fun of you. Second Voice: Well, in that case... Booming Voice: He's not going to be any use to us as a toad, Sandy. Terri and Hayao: Sandy? Karin: I don't know any Sandy. Wait, there was that girl in the fifth grade... Second Voice: Toad, be as you were before. [The toad turns back into Andrew.] Karin: [eyes him warily] You're not gonna turn into a frog again are you? Andrew: I hope not. Terri: Wait...Sandy? The Goddess of Magic Sandy? Second Voice: You know me, mortal? Terri: Yeah. The designer of Advanced Tunnels and Wombats named the goddess of magic in the official campaign world, Karinth, after his girlfriend Sandy. I learned that in Wombat Magazine (TM) #57. Booming Voice: [starts laughing maniacally] I always wondered why you had such a stupid name! Second Voice: At least I'm not one letter away from being an animated dog! [The heavens rumble.] Fourth Voice: [quietly] Why didn't I just stay on Olympus... Third Voice: Well, while these two lovebirds have a little spat, Athena and I will... Booming Voice and Sandy: WE ARE NOT LOVEBIRDS! Athena: Anyway. We have chosen you four to be our champions to save Karinth from a deadly threat. Karin: US? Third Voice: You have rather impressive resumes. You've defeated Cthulhu, Hastur, Tiamat, approximately 4,500,000 orcs, enough dragons to build a castle from the bones, blown up 300 Klingon starships, whatever those are, defeated 234 supervillians, ... Hayao: 236 supervillians. And we beat Magneto ten times. Including twice after I shot him with a mutant neutralizer and he got his powers back in a [pauses to glance meaningfully at Terri] never-explained fashion. Terri: Sue me! I like Magneto! Third Voice: A little task like defeating Orcus should be no sweat. Karin: He has a wand that kills on contact! Andrew: He has an army of demons! Hayao: He has around 200 Hit points. Terri: And most importantly, he's completely imaginary! Sandy: Like the way I turned your friend into a toad was imaginary? Terri: Good point. But everything you've listed...that's all imaginary too. Third Voice: What? Terri: That's all just RPG stuff. We don't have any powers. We're just a bunch of college students. Hayao and I both know some fencing...but I mean...Orcus eats high level characters for breakfast, and we're first level at best...I don't want to throw away my life. Athena: Maybe this is why that clerk was laughing maniacally when he handed me that list. Sandy: I'm going to kill you, Athena. Andrew: Can't you send us home and get someone else? Third Voice: It's too late now. We've invested too much power in bringing you here to find someone else...we don't have time. Our enemies are on the move. The world needs your help. We can give you a portion of our power to aid you. We planned to do that anyway. Hayao: Why can't you do it yourself? Booming Voice: It violates the rules of the game. If we come down, Orcus and his lot will come down and the whole world will go up in a poof of massive destruction. Gods never fight directly. We tend to break entire planets. We all have to play by the rules. Of course, the evil ones cheat...but that's all part of the game. Oh, I'm Baltor, and my other companion is Ehlviz. Andrew: Elvis? Ehlviz: Please, call me Ehlviz. Andrew: So have you been making appearances or what? Ehlviz: I plead the fifth. Athena: Enough! Will you accept this task or must we send you back to your...games? Terri: [pauses and thinks. A strange light flickers in her eyes.] All right. We'll do it! Andrew: WHAT? Karin: But I've got a hair appointment tomorrow! If I miss it, I'll have to wait at least a month! Hayao: If a world is truly in danger, and we are the only ones who can save it...then we must. It is duty. Terri: Come on guys! We all grouse about how boring our lives are! Here's our chance to change that! Andrew: We could die! Karin: Mom's gonna get really angry if I don't come home tonight! Terri: Well, you two can go home. I'm ready to finally have a REAL adventure! So zap me with power or whatever! Athena: Perhaps you have the stuff of heroes indeed. I choose you as my champion. [A spear flies down from the heavens and strikes Terri. Instead of impaling her, it vanishes into her without causing injury. She glows brightly, then settles to the ground. She is now wearing a golden medallion with a spear insignia.] Terri: I feel...tingly. Athena: Concentrate on the medallion. [Terri clasps it in one hand. She glows again and grows about three inches taller. Her muscles grow and she becomes fairly muscular, though not at a body-builder level. Her form shifts to a fuller figure, and her clothing looks about ready to explode. A rapier appears in her hands.] Terri: [looks at herself] Wow! Hayao: I am ready. Andrew: That's better than Nautilus. Okay, I'm in. Karin: Andrew...I... Andrew: I could workout half my life and never get like that. Karin: Well, I guess if everyone else is going for this... Baltor: I choose the dark haired one. Ehlviz: I will take the one who knows of me. Sandy: I get stuck with the coward? Baltor: Sounds about right to me. Karin: I'm not a coward! Athena: Save your brawl for later! We need to get on with this! Baltor: Recieve my gift...The golden touch. [Hayao begins to glow.] Ehlviz: Recieve my gift...The golden voice. [Andrew begins to glow.] Sandy: Here's a spellbook, kid. Lose it and I'll make you beg to be a slimy toad. [A huge book the size of a volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica drops into Karin's hands.] Sandy: Oh, and here's a makeover too. Your fashion taste needs work. [Karin glows. Soon, she is wearing a slinky red and green dress, cut similar to Sandy's, but marginally more modest, and with a belt strung with ten pouches.] Karin: AAAH!!! Baltor: More blatant fanservice. Sandy: SHUT UP, BALTOR! [More thunder in the heavens.] Terri: So how do we find Orcus and them...Where in Karinth are we? Ehlviz: Near Rin. Terri: [looks around] Umm...There's an ocean down there. Did part of the continent sink? Baltor: No, this is all just an illusion for dramatic effect. Actually you're in a barn. [Karin is paging through the book. Andrew is staring at the microphone now in his hand. Hayao realizes he now has his rapier too.] Terri: Right. So where do we go to next? Athena: We must go now. Find the temple to me. They will aid you. Karin: [mutters as she reads] What kind of mage makes goatcheese a material component for a spell? Where am I gonna find goatcheese... Sandy: The hard to find components are all in your pouches. Baltor: Oh, here's some money. [A pouch of gold and silver coins falls to the ground.] Distant heavenly voice: Hey, you people aren't supposed to be in here! Athena: Right. We must go now. Have a nice day and we'll be seeing you! [The voices cease and the cliffs vanish, replaced by the four walls of a barn.] Andrew: Great! All I get is a microphone with no speakers, no wire...Why didn't I get buffed up like you, Terri? Terri: I'm cooler than you? Andrew: [into the microphone] Testing, one, two, three [His voice reverberates through the barn.] Hey, it worked! Where's the speakers? Hayao: [quietly] Perhaps they're stored in the empty space inside your head. Andrew: [loudly] I HEARD that! Karin: [still reading] Andrew's Marvellous Aquifer, Conjure Koala, Harrass Tree Sloth...Who picked these spells anyway? Half of them are useless, and most of the rest are ridiculous... Terri: Hey, I seem to remember you slaying Zak the Ungodly with Conjure Koala a few sessions ago. Karin: Yeah, but how many ogre chieftans are so afraid of koalas they'd jump off a cliff to get away from them? Hayao: I thought Conjure Koala was a priest spell. My druid cast that twice when we visited the Great Swamp back in March. Andrew: And the second time it turned on you and killed you. I couldn't believe it. Hayao: Well, it nearly killed YOU too. Perhaps you shouldn't have taunted it. Karin: [laughs] Maybe it was angry because the previous koala was sent to its death holding off that giant alligator so we could get away. [Terri starts searching the barn while the others reminisce about how badly their trip to the Great Swamp went during their spring break gaming.] Terri: Hmm. Stalls for horses, but no horses. Lots of hay, no apparent traps, hayloft, one door. [Terri continues to wander around the barn making comments on the obvious like the color of the walls, etc.] Andrew: WILL YOU STOP THAT! You're driving me nuts! We can see what the place looks like. Terri: [blushes] Sorry, habit. Karin: Well, I guess I ought to sit down and see how many of these stupid things I can jam into my head. I wonder what level I am... [They all laugh.] Terri: Andrew, you stay here with Karin. Hayao and I will go check out the immediate area...and we can see about food. I'm getting hungry. Hayao: Perhaps it would be better if you took Andrew and I stayed here. If anything dangerous came along, [pauses] a rapier would be more effective than a microphone in defending the fair lady. Andrew: Hey! Terri: He's right, Drew. [grabs his arm and drags him away] You and Karin would just spend the time snuggling anyway. Andrew: [quite shocked to see that his efforts to not be dragged away are about as effective as a straw fighting a hurricane] Wow, you've gotten strong... Terri: Yeah! This is great! Andrew: [as they head outside, glumly] All I got was a microphone. Terri: I'm sure Ehlviz wouldn't cheat you. [laughs] Maybe he gave you a hunka, hunka burning love to go with it. Andrew: [aggravated] TERRI!!!! [She giggles as they look around. They are standing just outside a plain, unpainted wooden barn. The view pans around with them remaining in the center of the screen. A few dozen feet away is a simple farmhouse surrounded by fields, a dozen more houses, two more barns, a larger building with actual glass windows and a plow on the roof over the front door. About fifty feet off to their left, a road of tiled stone runs through the hamlet, north and south. ] Terri: Hmm. Plow on the roof...probably means Corialians. Andrew: Like in Star Wars? Terri: [noogies Andrew] No, the priests of Saint Corial, the patron of farmers. Can't think of any other priesthoods that would put a plow on the roof. Andrew: Maybe it got blown up there... Terri: Would you leave your car on the roof it it blew up there? Andrew: Our roof couldn't hold up a car. Terri: [sighs and drags Andrew] Let's go see if the priest is in and we can find out where we are. [Dissolve to next scene.] *************************************************************************** [Andrew and Terri are inside a long building that resembles a barn with a large stone plow at one end, and long wooden benches filling most of the other end. The walls are painted with pictures of some farmer at work. The PRIEST is a old man in a blue tunic and pants with a big floppy yellow straw hat on his head. ] Priest: If you're here about the strawberries.... Andrew: Actually, we just wanted to know how to get to Rin from here. Priest: All I can say is that I can only bless so many fields per day. I've used up all my third level spells...I mean the Saint has only allotted me so much power... Terri: What does that have to do with the road to Rin? Priest: The headpiece of Frinn only rarely adheres to skin. Andrew: The what? Terri: Maybe he's deaf. Priest: If you're here about the strawberries... [Andrew and Terri blink. A door opens and THE REAL PRIEST walks in. He looks almost exactly like the first priest.] Real Priest: Can I help you? Priest: All I can say is that I can only bless so many fields per day. I've used up all my third level spells...I mean the Saint has only allotted me so much power... [The real priest pokes the priest in the back. He falls silent.] Real Priest: Sorry about that. This golem I made seems to be defective. This is the last time I buy a Manual of Golems from a peddlar, even if he throws in a free love potion. Terri: [thought] Love potion? Andrew: Well, do you know the way to Rin? Real Priest: Go left at the road and follow it for about thirty miles. If you fall in the river, you've gone too far. Terri: Thanks! Real Priest: Why do you want to go to Rin anyway? It's just a den of theives and worthless nobility. Andrew: Because my friend has a big mouth, [Terri whaps him in the head], we have to save the world. First step is to visit the temple of Athena in Rin. Real Priest: Yeah, we get people like that coming through here all the time. Why, that Drazzt fellow was in here the other day trying to find somewhere to hide from a bunch of those Cow people. I mean Drow people. So we hid him in Nellie's barn til they got tired of digging through cow patties and hay and left. Then that Eric fellow, you know, the one with the sword that eats souls, came through about two weeks ago. I sat him down and gave him a good talking to and now he isn't depressed anymore. He left his sword behind so he wouldn't have to listen to it whine. Old Bob, our smith, melted it down and made a new plowblade out of it. Works really good, too. [He continues to ramble, becoming more and more implausible] Terri: Umm. Very nice. Thank you! [They run before they can spend the rest of their life listening to the priest ramble.] Real Priest: Hey! I was just getting to the part where that luggage ate old Tom! [Cut to next scene.] *************************************************************************** [STILL: Fields of corn, stretching to infinity. ACTION: Viewpoint moves down to the road, which is Roman style, made of tiled stones mortared together. It is fairly well maintained. Our little band of heroes is marching down the road. Well, walking down the road.] Andrew: My feet are hurting! Terri: Well, if anyone besides Karin actually knew how to stay on a horse for more than five seconds, we could ride, but I think I've gotten enough bruises for one day, thank you. Hayao: Are you sure there's not a teleportation spell in there somewhere, Karin? Karin: [still reading the book] None of them are any good if you've never seen the place you're going to, Hayao. I could try and cast Bob's Used Horses again, but I think we already proved once today that I'm the only person here who can ride. Hmm. Wait, this could work! [runs her fingers down the page] Yeah. Gimme a little while to try and memorize this thing. Andrew: What is it? Karin: Conjure Bicycles. [They sit, bored, by the side of the road while Karin slowly reads and memorizes the spell.] Karin: [stands up] Well, let's see if this works. [she waves her arm and recites a string of nonsense syllables. Nothing happens.] Aargh! Nothing happened! Bicycles are supposed to rain from the sky! Terri: [looks up] Wait...I see... [A card flutters to the ground, then more, then a total of fifty four cards rain down from the sky. They are playing cards with a bicycle insignia on the back.] Hayao: Well, real bicycles would have been damaged if they rained from the sky. Karin: Someone tell me this is just a bad dream. I've had too much ice cream and... Andrew: At least you have magic, even it's mostly useless! All I got from the gods was a stupid microphone! Hayao: I have yet to learn what the golden touch is...It hasn't done anything so far. Andrew: At least you have a weapon! If we get in a fight, I'm gonna have to try and sing our opponents into submission! Terri: Maybe we should start calling you Lin Minmei. Andrew: Maybe I should beat you to death with this thing! [starts chasing Terri, who runs off down the road laughing] [Cut to next scene.] *************************************************************************** [Still: Sunset across a field of corn. Action: Our heroes plop down by the side of the road as the sun is setting. ] Andrew: My feet hurt. Terri: Well, if you hadn't chased me for two miles, then maybe... Karin: Great, we're gonna have to sleep on dirt by the side of the road. Hayao: We had best keep a set of watches, in case bandits or the like find us. Andrew: Do we have to? I'm so tired I could die. Terri: He's right. One in ten chance of wandering creatures, check twice per night. Of course, most encounters this far into Rin are peaceful, but... Andrew: This isn't Advanced Tunnels and Wombats, Terri! Hayao: Yes, but this world does seem to closely approximate that world. It is quite possible we could encounter Orcs or worse. Karin: [starts paging through her spellbook] Maybe there's something here to make a tent or a nice plush bed or something... Andrew: Well, you can keep watch. I'm gonna pass out now. [slumps over] Terri: Well, at least we got dinner in that village back there. How much money do we have left, Hayao? Hayao: 200 Rin Gold Crowns, and fifty five Rin Silver Swords. And two copper. Terri: Well, we can live for quite a while off that. You want first watch? Hayao: I would be honored to take the first watch. Terri: [smiles faintly] Wake me up around 1 am or so and I'll take over. I'll make Andrew take the last watch. Hayao: Assuming we can count on him to stay awake. Terri: Well, I know I can count on you, at least. [curls up under a tree] Karin: Ahah! [starts intently reading a passage from the book. Hayao looks over at her and smiles faintly. ] Hayao: Found a useful spell? [Karin holds up a sign that says, "Shhh. Mage at work".] As you wish, m'lady. [No reply] [Hayao gets up and begins to pace around the camp, then stops and watches the sun drop below the level of the corn-shrouded horizon. Karin gets up and recites a string of syllables while waving her arms and dancing about, then spins on one foot and kicks herself in the butt. A huge four poster bed with a canopy appears by the side of the road.] Karin: It worked! It worked! Hayao: Conjure Bed, I assume? Karin: Create Bed and Breakfast. Not only will it make the bed, eight hours from now, breakfast will appear! Hayao: Nice spell Karin: Yeah! Hayao: What do you propose to do with the bed in the morning? Karin: Umm...[starts paging through the book] Maybe there's a dispel bed spell.... [Dissolve] *************************************************************************** [STILL: Starry night sky with two moons. One is white, the second is green. Action: Hayao is pacing around the camp. He stops and stares up at the sky.] Hayao: I wonder if the other one is made of green cheese...I suppose Terri would know. Or make something up if she didn't. [turns and looks at all of his compatriots. Andrew is now ensconsced in the bed with Karin. He is sprawled out like he fell from a height. Karin sleeps next to him, snoring softly. Terri is still curled up under the tree with her rapier leaning against it. Hayao sighs faintly.] You baffle me. Sometimes, you can be so responsible...and sometimes you act like such a complete nut. Yet, we lead whever you follow. I don't understand that either. I hope you know what you've gotten us into. [glances over at Karin, who snores a little more loudly.] I am such a fool... [returns to pacing around the camp] [Dissolve to next scene] ***************************************************************************** [Still: Shot of the sun high in the sky. ACTION: The corn along the road blows in the wind. Our heroes round a corner in the road, and are confronted with the sight of a group of twelve bandits in leather, with bows and axes robbing a young brown haired man in a blue tunic and brown pants. He has a longsword and a bandolier of throwing axes on the ground by his feet and is busily handing over his purse to the leader of the bandits, a one eyed man.] Young man: Oh woe is me, to be laid low and left destitute to starve. The gold I have so carefully saved up to pay for the cure disease for my poor mother all gone in just a moment. I must curse the day that... Terri: [quietly to the others] We've got to help this poor guy. Andrew: [rolls his eyes] He's lying out his ass. I can tell. Hayao: He's still being robbed, liar or not. Yet, I am not sure if we can deal with this many armed men. Karin: Well, I did find a few spells this morning that might be of some help. Terri: Right! Karin, you blast them. Hayao, you take the ones on the left. I'll go on the right. Andrew...umm...you hide over there. Andrew: AARGH! There's got to be something I can do. Terri: Hmm...Ahah! Start singing something loudly and distract them while Hayao and I get into position. Andrew: Uh...like what? Terri: Just ask yourself, 'what would Minmei sing here?' Andrew: I'll get you for that. [They suddenly realize the bandits have noticed them and most of them are coming over. The other four watch the young man.] Bandit: All right. Fork over your valuables, kids. Terri: [angrily] I am not a kid! I'm twenty! Bandit: Yeah, yeah. Just give us your gold. Hayao: I think we have other plans. Karin, if you will? Karin: I am the great and powerful Karin Thompson! Tremble at my might! If you surrender immediately, I will spare your miserable lives! [Several bandits fall down laughing.] Bandit: You and what army? You're no wizard. Karin: Yes, I am! Bandit: Right. Turn him [points to a second bandit] into a toad, then. Karin: [waves her arms and chants a string of nonsense syllables. The bandit turns into a teddy bear in leather armor.] Hey, Transmute Thug to Teddy actually works! Bandit: Uhh.... Karin: [thinks] I won't mention I only memorized that spell once... I wish I could cast these things without having to read them slowly or memorize them so the spell is fixed in my head. Terri: Now flee before she does that to ALL of you! Bandit Leader: Cut her down before she can do it again! [The bandits rush forward. The young man grabs his weapons while the bandits watching him are distracted and throws a pair of axes at two of the bandits, who get nasty cuts and run. He then engages the other two with his sword, which begins to glow and hum.] Terri: Right! [draws her rapier] En garde! [charges in, doing her best Errol Flynn imitation. To her surprise and theirs, she moves with blinding speed and far greater strength than theirs, disarming all of the bandits on the left while Hayao is hard pressed and forced back by the four he is facing. Andrew stands helplessly, while Karin stares at the bandit leader, who is frowning. The bandits facing Terri turn and run.] And onward to the leader! Bandit Leader: Cowards. Well, little girl, let's see how you do against a real man! Terri: [looks around] Where is he? Bandit Leader: [growls and charges Terri, who has not noticed Hayao is getting slowly overpowered.] Where'd you get that stupid thing, anyway? [lunges at Terri who casually parries his blow] Terri: What thing? [yawns as she parries a series of frenzied blows from him, thinks] Wow, didn't realize I was THIS good. Bandit Leader: That flimsy sword of yours. Terri: [disarms the bandit leader, then casually carves her initials into his shirt] This is a rapier. Karin: Ahah! I have a spell that should help. [babbles for a few seconds, then tries to stand on her head and fails.] Andrew, I need some help here. [He props her up. She flicks a booger at one of the bandits. It explodes into a ball of fire. He collapses, on fire and screaming.] Karin: Well, that spell works. Andrew: That's really disgusting. Karin: Thanks for the help. Andrew: At least I've done something useful during this fight. Hayao: Thank you, Karin. [tries to press the bandits back, but is still overmatched, but not as badly. He has taken several minor cuts and looks tired.] Bandit Leader: Hmm, looks like your friend is in trouble. Terri: Oh please. I'm not dumb enough to fall for that. [chases the bandit leader off into the corn by the side of the road] Andrew: [picks up the weapon of the fallen bandit and charges in. One of the bandits turns and engages him, giving him a nasty arm cut and forcing him back] OWWWW!!!!! Bandit: Well, at least one of you sucks at fighting. Karin: YOU!!!!!!! [pulls out a small golden lightning bolt and hurls it at the bandit, shouting magical phrases. It enlarges to a huge lightning bolt and flies past the bandit, vaporizing a tree. The bandit blinks, then runs for his life] I missed! AAARGH! Andrew: Why didn't you do that earlier? Karin: I only have the components to do that once...I was saving it for a dragon or something. Andrew: Thanks for saving me. [They move closer and kiss.] Hayao: I suppose you two might spare a few moments to help me? [manages to wound one of the two remaining bandits. He now has the advantage due to his superior skill] Karin: Right. Okay, give up you guys or I'll do to you what I did to your friend. Bandit: You missed him. Other bandit: And we heard you say you can't cast that again either. Karin: Uhhh... [Terri emerges from the corn dragging the bandit leader.] Terri: Hey, Hayao, quit playing around and finish those guys off! We haven't got all day! Hayao: Right. Bandit: [looks around] Hey, where did everyone go? Terri: [points to the unconscious bandits scattered about] They're napping. Want to join them? [The bandits flee.] Terri: I guess not. Hayao: [to Karin] I don't suppose you have any healing spells? Karin: Dammit Hayao, I'm a mage, not a cleric. [giggles] Terri: [blinks] You guys got hurt? Andrew: [crankily] We can't all be all powerful barbarian warrior princesses like you. Hayao: [faint smile] I don't know, 'Princess Andromeda'. Maybe you could qualify. Andrew: Will you guys STOP bugging me about that? That was YEARS ago! Karin: I still have the pictures. Terri: You do? Can I get copies? Andrew: NO! Karin: I think we have the negatives still too... Andrew: I forbid it! Hayao: I too would like prints. Andrew: Will SOMEONE listen to me? Karin: No. [The young man approaches them, counting coins into his pocket. Apparently the bandits he was fighting have either died or fled.] Young Man: Hi! I'm Drak the Blade. Thanks for the help. Drak's sword: Hey, don't forget to introduce me too! Terri: Hey, an intelligent sword! [thinks] This guy must be pretty good. Drak's sword: No, he's just lucky. And undeserving. Did I mention he's also a liar and a... Drak: Will you BE QUIET? Drak's Sword: I'm a god. Gods don't have to be quiet! Hayao: A what? Drak: My sword likes to claim he is the god Sevian. Terri: Sevian died at the battle of Barisdowne. He and Ahriman killed each other. Then the Hildorian civilization collapsed because their gods were dead. Sevian: [would blink if swords could blink] What, you know about that battle? Terri: The South Kingdoms supplement devotes two pages to the... Sevian: We didn't die. We both suffered such severe injuries that we had to retreat into artifacts we had created. I fled into the sword of the Holy Emperor of Hildor. Drak: And he stuck you in that anvil I found you in, then? Sevian: That was his chief wizard, that Merlin bastard. Oh, I hate HIM! If he sticks me in ONE MORE ANVIL...I'll... Drak: Whine and pule about it? Terri: If you really are Sevian, why haven't you been able to resume a godly body or whatever yet? Sevian: Umm...[quietly] I don't have any worshippers, so I don't have enough power to make one... Andrew: So you're stuck as a sword trying to convince people to worship you. Sevian: [would blush, if a sword could blush] Uh, yeah, that about sums it up. Karin: [pats the sword] Well, at least you're bright and shiny all the time! Sevian: [sarcastically] How comforting [Cut to next scene] ************************************************************************** [ACTION: We see Hayao counting the group's money as they go along. He and Andrew have several improvised bandages on themselves. Drak seems to have joined them.] Hayao: Well, we got a reward of fifty gold for turning those guys in at that village, plus that ring the guy tried to bribe us with, plus some free food. We're doing pretty well. Terri: [worried] You guy's injuries don't hurt too badly, do they? Andrew: Not as bad as the time we all fell down that mountainside together. The cleric at the village helped some. I guess he rolled a one on his cure light wounds... [They all laugh.] Sevian: Rolled a what? Terri: Um...long story. Sevian: Incompetent priests...I haven't seen a competent priest since all of mine died...Now Father James the Mighty! He was a priest. Why I remember the time that... Drak: [interrupts Sevian] And we should finally reach Rin soon. Andrew: No more corn. That's all I ask. No. More. Corn. Terri: So you'll be okay? [still worried] Hayao: We'll be fine. Terri: I didn't even realize you guys might have a hard time with the rest of the bandits. Andrew: [sighs] At least I've got an axe now. Hayao: Your power seems to have augmented your strength, speed, and fighting skills. Andrew and I's powers remain to be seen. Andrew: I got a microphone. Boo rah. Hayao: Well, I do not seem to be turning everything I turn into gold, so I'm not sure what the golden touch is... Terri: Maybe it means you'll be really good at making a profit? Hayao: I'm not sure how that's supposed to save the world, though... [Freeze frame and cut to next scene] ********************************************************************** [Still: A pitchblack room with a crystal ball in it. Four figures lurk in the dark around it. Action: The crystal ball is frozen with the image of the end of the previous scene. It emits a faint high pitched tone. The lurking figures speak.] Sandy: Aargh. This stupid thing is on the fritz again. Ehlviz: So what did you give the boy as his gift, Baltor? Baltor: Like the girl said. Every moneymaking thing he does will profit. And he'll never be broke. Athena: How's that supposed to advance our goals? Baltor: I'm the god of wealth! I can't make people kick butt! Could you give him what I gave him? Athena: Why would I want to? Baltor: Hmmph. Some people just don't appreciate money. Sandy: Or your cheesy hairpieces. Baltor: Why, you! [A divine brawl breaks out in the dark. Freeze frame and cut to next scene.] ***************************************************************************** [STILL: A dark gloomy evil looking throne room. How do we know it's evil? Let's see. The paint scheme is the same one they used for DOOM. The primary form of decoration is interestingly painted and deformed skulls. The room is lit by a dull red glow from a huge bonfire with human corpses as the fuel. The floor and walls are stone, carved with scenes of depravity, death, and door to door salesmen. The lord of the manor, so to speak, is a huge male? bipedal humanoid with huge black bat wings and goat horns on his head, which is ape-like. His white fur looks blood-stained in the fire light. Wait, scratch that, those are real blood stains. He wears only a loin cloth made from the hide of really old, really dead dragons, and in one hand he holds a rod tipped with a shrunken human skull. A long line of skeletons stands at attention across the wall behind him. ACTION: Zombie servitors enter.] Zombie: [to a demonic minion of ORCUS.] Uhhszlkd? Demonic Minion: I'd like some human blood, chilled. Zombie: URHDllk. Demonic Minion: No! HUMAN blood! Not Cow blood. Zombie: Ssdhfh? Demonic Minion: You don't use wine glasses with blood, you idiot! Orcus: [sighs] It's so hard to get good help these days. Young Demon: [runs in] Sir, sir! Hamstur is here to see you, sir! Orcus: [sighs] Show him. And see if you can find some zombies who still have some of their brains left, will you? Young Demon: [does a Nazi salute] Yes, sir! Orcus: Demons aren't supposed to salute each other, Doorgong. Doorgong: [The young demon] Yes, sir! [bows and departs] Orcus: [mutters] What's the Abyss coming to these days.... [A huge ugly rotting demon who looks somewhat like Orcus, if Orcus had suffered from leprosy for the last 3000 years to the point where his wings fell off, enters. He has a slightly bluish tint to his fur. Some call him disgusting, but his real name is ANTHRAXUS. He is attended by a dozen humanoids with wolf heads and brown fur, dressed in a variety of colors of robes. They all smell rather like Deep Woods Off, perhaps trying to ward off the flies that buzz around Anthraxus and the cockroaches on his body.] Anthraxus: So, how's your end of the plan coming along, Orcus? Orcus: The plague is ready. Are your servitors ready to unleash it? Anthraxus: Whenever you actually deliver it to us. I haven't heard anything from Hamstur about his end of the plan lately. Orcus: And you think this is a bad thing? Anthraxus: [pauses] On second thought, maybe that's not so bad after all. So why isn't Tiamat here? Orcus: Because you dropped in unannounced? Anthraxus: I thought we were supposed to have a meeting here today! Orcus: I didn't say anything about a meeting! Anthraxus: Bah. I passed up a tryst with Lovitiar for this... [Faint laughter echoes from the walls, then the ceiling collapses, burying them both and all the demons and daemons under rubble.] Voice: Demons suck! Gnomes are cool. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh.... [sound of scampering feet] Anthraxus: I'm a Daemon, not a demon, you idiot! Orcus: Dammit, I thought we sprayed for gnomes... [Dissolve to next scene] **************************************************************************** [Still: Shot of our heroes standing on a hilltop looking down across a wide spread of open farmlands. Far across the fields is a walled city by the shore of a huge river that is perhaps half a mile in width. ACTION: The sun begins to set off across the fields on the right side of our field of view.] Terri: There it is! Rin, the capital of Rin, once known as Rindon, founded around 1500 BE by the... Andrew: We don't need a history lesson! We just need to find that temple...Maybe I can get some armor there or something so I don't get hurt so bad in our next fight. Hayao: Yes, some armor would be good. Karin: And some horse riding lessons for you guys so we won't have to walk everywhere. Drak: It is a wonderous city. Almost 10,000 people live there. There are few cities that can lay claim to be its equal in size. Terri: Well, we grew up in a city of several million, so... [Drak faints.] Terri: [kicks him] Will you stop fainting for dramatic effect already? Drak: No appreciates good acting these days... [Fade to black] ************************************************************************* [End of OAV 1. Roll closing credits.] Author's afterword: Look, John has decided to make his life even harder by starting another story. This is the story I write at home when the lab is closed on my mom's computer that she won't let me hook up to the internet for fear she'll get a virus. I had to smuggle this story onto a disk in the middle of the night as a result :P This story was inspired by my vast consumption of fantasy literature, and by watching El Hazard, Red Riding Hood ChaCha, and Magical Knights Rayearth all in one weekend at Akon :) Karinth itself is my AD&D campaign world, which I've been working on for close to ten years now, after reading an article by Roger Moore in Dragon Magazine on World design and another by Ed Greenwood on designing gods. I've made it a sillier place for this story though :) Drak originated as a PC in a rather ridiculous campaign I played in. He died at third level, but I brought him back as an NPC in a campaign I ran at College Park for two years. He aquired Sevian the god sword in that campaign. Some other characters from that campaign will be making appearances. I have mapped out a six OAV story. I promise I really WILL finish this. Possibly before Jeremy finishes part 4 of Ta'averen 1/2 :P Lemme know what ya think!