[STILL: A vast hall of vaguely greek decor, much better described in the start of OAV #1, so I won't repeat myself. As usual, the hall is crowded with deities, who are relaxing, plotting, romancing, drinking, gaming, and wenching/studding, as appropriate. Four of the gods are gathered around a table, looking at a map. ACTION: View zooms in on the four gods around the table: SANDY, EHLVIZ, BALTOR, and ATHENA.] Elhviz: How are the chosen ones doing? Baltor: They've substantially increased the amount of money we gave them. Sandy: How delightful. Perhaps they can pay for funerals for everyone when the Undeath Plague destroys all the sentient races! Baltor: Or your next boob job. Sandy: [Energy crackles around her hands] Why, you... Athena: [whaps them both in the head with her spear] Will you two please STOP? Ehlviz: I think she likes him. Sandy: I'd rather eat hot coals! Athena: To answer your question, Sandy, they've reached Rin. Hopefully, they will reach my temple without any problems and my priestesses will be able to brief them. Baltor: I was starting to have second thoughts about getting a bunch of people from Earth to do this, but given the rate at which their finances are increasing...Of course, I did give one of them the golden touch. Sandy: What is the golden touch, anyway? Baltor: He can't lose when it comes to money. He'll always come out ahead. Sandy: Oh, that's going to stop the Undeath Plague. What's he supposed to do, bribe the zombies? Give Orcus a kickback? Baltor: Money is power. Sandy: Orcus is a GOD! Gods don't need money! You can't just buy them off! Baltor: You'd be surprised what a god needs. Sandy: Well, you need a new BRAIN. Besides that... Baltor: Why, you...!!!! [Fade to black as Athena sighs and another brawl breaks out.] ****************************************************** The Eternal Game OAV #2: The Second Book of Lost Sw...Weap...things. by John Biles Inspired by way too many fantasy novels, El Hazard, Guardians of the Flame, Rumiko Takahashi, Terry Pratchett, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, my AD&D campaign world, Greek Mythology, and other sources way too numerous to mention (like Warhammer Fantasy RPG and Jack Vance, and...oh wait, I said too numerous to mention...) Any resemblence to persons real or imaginary is purely intentional, unless it makes you angry, in which case it's all the fault of my gym coach from Collegio San Carlos. Feel free to staple, spindle or mutilate him at will. A Raging Wombat Studios Production. Karinth and all persons therein not created by someone else and shamelessly stolen or parodied by me, copyright John Biles (1985), if anyone cares. The Bhellom was not harmed in the filming of this OAV, nor were any gods or ridiculously powerful maguffins, I mean magical gems. Ayn Rand, however, was beaten, stapled, folded, spindled, mutilated, then gut shot and thrown off a ferris wheel onto an iron spike fence. Philosophy is its own reward. Enough said. [Cue unwritten, but probably cool theme song and opening sequence] ******************************************************* [STILL: A crowded city street. The street is a narrow dirt road, barely wide enough for two people to walk abreast, or one person on horseback to get by. The ramshackle houses loom over the road, cutting off the sky. Drak is leading the little band of would be heroes down the road. ACTION: Someone empties a chamber-pot, and Andrew has to dodge the contents, which shoves Karin into a building.] Karin: HEY! Andrew: I didn't have much of a choice! Terri: Couldn't we have gone down a less crowded street? Drak: Someone might have recog...This way is faster. Sevian: He's afraid someone in the thieves' guild will spot him and have him killed. Drak: Shut up, Sevian! Sevian: Because he hasn't paid his dues in five months. He also had an affair with the guild master's wife. Or was that his daughter? Drak: Gods are meant to be seen and not heard! Sevian: Setting the dining hall on fire by accident didn't help much either... Drak: That was your fault! Sevian: You wielded me! Karin: You're a thief? Drak: I am not a thief! Sevian: He's not competent enough to be a thief. Drak: I'm an entertainer! I do blade tricks! I do amazing deeds with thrown weapons. Sevian: You left out the part where the audience gets pickpocketed by the other guild members. Drak: I've never stolen anything from anyone! Sevian: Anyone in Alfheim, maybe. [Everyone is eyeing Drak a little nervously.] Drak: Will you stop spreading LIES about me? Sevian: Well, I do have to admit you've never stolen from the poor. That's one good thing about you. Drak: [breathes a sigh of relief] I don't suppose you could try being the god of silence for a while? Sevian: And you wouldn't let that noblewoman pay you five thousand gold to have sex with her. Terri: Well, that's good. Drak: See, I'm not a bad guy. Sevian: Because you were holding out for ten thousand. I can't blame you. She was really ugly. I'd have asked for fifteen thousand, at least. Drak: AAAAAHHHH!!!!! [Cut to next scene.] ************************************************** [STILL: The group reaches the doors of the Temple of Athena. It looks like the Parthenon would if it hadn't been bombed during World War II. Oh, and hadn't had the giant statue of Athena taken down and shipped off to Constantinople. And...Okay, you get the picture. There are two women in greek style robes with spears and shields standing in front of the open doors. ACTION: They turn and look at the heroes.] Acolyte one: Greetings travellers. Acolyte two: Decided you're tired of life, Drak? Drak: [sullenly] Someone declared this beat on Drak day, I see. Sevian: Every day is Beat on Drak Day. Drak: Shh. We're about to enter someone else's temple. Be respectful. Sevian: You haven't heard me say anything bad about Athena, have you? Karin: We need to see the high priest. Acolyte one: We don't have one. Andrew: He died? Acolyte two: We've never had a high priest. Karin: Then who's in charge? Terri: The high priestess. Acolyte one: The high...aah, you know. Terri: The High Priestess is named Nicola Popopolis. She's twelfth level, with 72 hit points. Her dominant personality traits are Valorous, Energetic, Honest, Witty, and Obnoxious. Current age is about forty five or so. Blonde, 5'8, 170 pounds. Acolyte two: Ahah! I thought so. She claims she's isn't getting fat, but I can tell... Drak: [frowns] She is NOT getting fat. Trust me. Sevian: They're not stupid enough to do that. Drak: Will you SHUT UP? Karin: How do you remember all that stuff, Terri? Terri: She was in the Rin Citybook, which was the second Advanced Tunnels and Wombats (TM) supplement I ever bought, right after I got the basic set. Besides, don't you guys remember the time Andrew smarted off to her and he got turned into a stone statue after she summoned the Aegis on him? Andrew: Maybe I ought to wait outside... Karin: It's not like she's gonna recognize you! You were a dwarf at the time. Acolyte one: You used to be a dwarf? Acolyte two: You're Durin the Dumb? You actually came back? Wow, you're brave. You're kinda tall for a dwarf, too... Andrew: That's Durin the Daring! Not the DUMB! Hayao: Actually, call him Princess Andromeda. He much prefers that title. Andrew: I do NOT! Acolyte one: Come in. I'll see if the high priestess has time to see you. Who should I say is calling? Hayao: Yamafuji Hayao, Karin Thompson, Terri Hatchett, Drak the Blade, Sevian the sword god, and Princess Andromeda. Andrew: That's Andrew Talk! Not PRINCESS ANDROMEDA!!!! Hayao: Now, now...Don't make me get out the picture from my wallet. Andrew: You...I thought I destroyed all the pictures! Karin: You forgot I still had some. Andrew: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! [Cut to next scene] ********************************************** [STILL: Shot of a crowded room, with five tables and about a dozen priestesses sitting at tables busily pushing coins around and scribbling on pieces of paper as acolytes run hither and yon. One of the priestesses is wearing a slightly more ornate robe. She is blonde, 5'8", and 157 pounds. She is however, not pudgy, but rather well muscled, especially for a middle aged woman. Her name is NICOLA POPOPOLIS. Our heroes stand in front of her. ACTION: Nicola looks up at the band. She sees Drak and frowns.] Nicola: Decided to come beg for forgiveness, eh? Drak: [thinking] Why did I come in here? Am I totally insane or what? [out loud] I've turned over a new leaf, and I'm trying to expiate my misdeeds by helping these nice people. Terri: He's been a real help despite all the mean things his sword likes to say about him. [thinking] I hope they're not true. Drak: [plops down a ring from his hand on the table] Please accept this as a peace offering. Nicola: [picks up the ring, reads the inscription on the inside] 'To my darling Angelina with love on the day of our wedding, Franco Coriolois.' [pauses] This is the wedding ring of the wife of the guild master of the THIEVES' GUILD! Drak: [blushes] I...uh... Sevian: I thought you pawned that to pay for Spugnois' new spellbook after his old one got eaten by that carrion crawler. Drak: No, no, I pawned that cursed ring Mindi gave me just before I discovered she was a professional assassin hired by the guildmaster of the Bakor Thieves' guild to kill me. Nicola: He finally found you? [touch of anger in her voice] I was wondering who that cheap bimbo I saw you with was. Karin: [thinking] There's something funny going on with those two. Terri: Um, we're here to see you about... Nicola: I NEED to settle this first. [turns back to Drak] And what about that blonde girl? Drak: That was my sister. Nicola: [irritated voice] How many SISTERS do you have? Drak: [sweats] She's a priestess of Corial! I'm not into incest! Nicola: And her name is? Drak: Back me up, Sevian! She's my sister Shayla, right? Sevian: They did not have sex. Drak: [triumphant voice] See! I told you that... Sevian: At least while I was watching. What happened while I was in my sheath and shoved under the bed where I couldn't see anything, I can't speak of. Nicola: DRAK!!!! Karin: [aside to another priestess, who is now watching Drak and Nicola] Are they lovers or something? Priestess: [has ceased any useful labor, is now watching the fight] Sometimes. He's too young and stupid to settle down successfully, while she can't join him in the wild adventuring life. So periodically they have a massive fight and he runs off and does stupid crazy stuff and runs around on her. Then he finally ends up getting guilty and coming back and apologizing. They go off on some kind of holy mission together and come back all loviedovie until he goes stir crazy again. He's a nice guy, but a complete idiot at times. Terri: [getting impatient] Look, you two can have your lover's spat later! Your goddess sent us to get information and stuff from you! Now are we gonna get the info or are you two going to fight until we all die of old age? [Nicola and Drak continue arguing, with Sevian pitching in 'helpful' comments.] Terri: [bangs on the table with her fist. The table shatters.] Look, we don't have all day! Nicola: [pauses and stares at the table] Hey, that thing was expensive! Hayao: I'm sure we can recompense you for the loss of your table. Nicola: [looks at Terri, notices the medallion, gets very quiet] Where did you get that? Terri: Your goddess gave it to us and told us to come here and talk to you! Looks like you're more interested in other things, though. Nicola: [thinks for a moment] Ahh, you must be the ones here to save the world. Andrew: That about sums it up. Got any all powerful magic weapons you can loan us? Nicola: [gets out some sheets of paper in a folder labeled 'Olympus Express'] We got this this morning. [reads off the first page] 'Greetings, heroes from the all powerful and all wise Athena, goddess second class, operating portfolio War, Wisdom, and Justice, daughter of Zeus Megacranisophia (Zeus of the Big Wise Head), queen of weavers, who transformed Arachne into a big ugly spider, patron of Athens, bearer of the sacred Aegis, frequent wearer of helmets, blah, blah, blah, blah... Hayao: [thinks] Truly Terri has the patronage of an important Goddess. Terri: [thinks] She has 250 HP. Her AC is -7. She gets three attacks a round... Andrew: [thinks] The entire first page was just her titles? Karin: [thinks] I bet I can't get a decent manicure in this town. I wonder if I've got a spell for that in here somewhere. [starts paging through her spellbook.] Nicola: [still reading] 'I do solemnly declare that Sandy, stop beating on Baltor! Right this minute. Where was I, oh yes, I do...' [pauses] That doesn't make any sense. Andrew: Someone must have been taking dictation. Sevian: Baltor...I know Baltor. He's the god of being fat and worthless. Nicola: The god of wealth and merchants, not of being fat and worthless! Sevian: Whatever. Nicola: Anyway. 'Four are the number of the evil gods you must defeat. You shall not defeat five evil gods, unless you really want to, nor shall you defeat three, unless it be on the way to also defeating the fourth. Twelve is right out. Paragraph Break. Four gods have risen up to smite the land of Karinth with the plague of Undeath. Tiamat, Orcus, Demogorgon, and Hamstur the Unbearable have...' Andrew: Shouldn't that be Hastur the Unspeakable? Nicola: No, no, this is the god of evil, stinky hamsters and of small children who refuse to bathe. Karin: ... Terri: The one who can be banished for a thousand years by flea dipping him? Nicola: [nods] 'My priestess will give you Wayfinder, which will guide you to what you shall need to defeat the forces of evil and prevent this world from being turned into a super economy size Night of the Living Dead remake. The owls are not what they seem. Beware Bar-Abbas. Don't take any wooden nickels. Twice dawns the best days for doing laundry. This side up.' Sevian: Oh, what pearls of divine wisdom. Nicola: [still reading] 'Shut up, Sevian. Be brave and...' Sevian: Hey! Nicola: I'm just reading what the letter said. 'Be brave and no one shall overcome you. Semper ubu sub ubi.' Andrew: What does Semper ubu sub ubi mean? Terri: Always wear underwear. Karin: Wait, wasn't Wayfinder one of the Swords of Power? Andrew: I thought it got destroyed by Shieldbreaker. Terri: Well, Saberhagen sued them after they released the Swords of Power boxed set, so they changed the names of the weapons in the second edition or turned them into other things. Wayfinder is now a six foot long dowsing rod. Nicola: Recently stolen by the [looks at Drak] Thieves' Guid. Drak: Hey, I was off visiting my mom! Nicola: Uh huh. Sevian: He was! Nicola: Really? Sevian: He was running for his life after he seduced the guildmaster's wife. Drak: Hey, she came after ME! [sees Nicola giving him the look of death] Okay, maybe I didn't put up quite as much resistance as I should have. Sevian: To quote, 'oh baby, oh baby, oh...' [Drak bangs Sevian against the wall.] Nicola: Well, Drak, I think a good way to show your repentance would be to assist these good people in recovering Wayfinder and assist them in their quest. Drak: I'm an entertainer, not a hero! I can't fight gods! Nicola: Or we can hand you over to the watch. I understand your old friend Theodosius is running it now. Drak: They put...HIM in charge? Nicola: I understand he's sworn to flay you alive starting with your appendix if he ever catches you. Assuming he's feeling merciful that day. Drak: [bigsweats and throws himself to his knees in front of Nicola] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do it! It was all a mistake, please don't give me to the watch, I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! [starts babbling maniacally] Nicola: I take it you'll help them, then. Drak: Yes, I'll do anything! Anything! Nicola: I'm sure Drak can show you how to get to the Thieves' guild. Hopefully, they still have Wayfinder. [pauses] I do have something that might be of help. [turns to another priestess] Theodora, bring out the Bhellom. [Theodora goes to fetch it] Terri: The Bhellom? Karin: As in the Prison of the Troll Gods? Hayao: I thought the Old Gods were trapped in it. Andrew: Didn't it get thrown in the ocean and Cthulhu ate it or something? [Theodora returns with a big blue gem.] Nicola: Well, we're fresh out of child-goddesses to go with it, and the fisherman who found it lost the user's manual on his way here, but I'm sure you'll find some use for it. [Theodora tosses it to Hayao] Just remember the three rules of Bhellom care and feeding. Andrew: Which are? Nicola: 1. Never have sex in a summer camp haunted by an axe murderer. 2. Don't get it wet. 3. Don't feed it after midnight. Hayao: ... Andrew: Wait, don't get it wet, but they threw it in the ocean? Nicola: The word 'it' was referring to the axe murderer. Karin: Uhuh. Terri: Are you sure those are the right rules? Nicola: Well, the instruction book got lost, so those were the only rules I could remember. Terri: [pauses] Right. Anything else you can tell us? [Hayao examines the Bhellom. It has a faint blue glow and seems to be filled with some sort of hazy liquid. A pentagonal figure suddely floats up to the facet that Hayao is looking at. There are words on the figure, 'Ask again later.'] Hayao: [mutters] I wonder if this thing is just a big answer ball. [On an impulse, he shakes it and the figure sinks out of sight, then rises, with the word 'yes' visible.] I should have known... Nicola: [reads through the papers] Hmm, any of you know what a 'microphone' is? Andrew: [holds up his] Like this? [Nicola hands him a piece of paper] Nicola: I think this is instructions on how to use it. Andrew: Hey, cool! [starts reading the instructions] Nicola: Let's see, 'one obscure prophecy'. [hands to Karin] Karin: Hey, this is written in Sanskrit! Terri: You can recognize Sanskrit? Karin: Well, it's some kind of chicken scratchings. [Drak takes a look at it.] Drak: Ahh, Ancient High Elven. I can make out something about hairdressers. Terri: Well, that's useful...if we were ancient High Elves! Nicola: [pulls an odd gun that looks like a refugee from a bad sci-fi movie out the envelope.] Here's the last thing. One mutant neutralizer. [reads the warning label] 'Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Only rarely adheres to skin. Use in conjunction with SDF 2000 for maximum protection. This side up. Uses three D-cell batteries. Does not work on Magneto.' [Andrew laughs. Terri giggles. Hayao looks annoyed.] 'Do not under any condition shoot the Bhellom with this. Nor should it be used as a hairdryer. Thank you and have a nice day, Acme Corporation.' Terri: Right. We'll remember that. [takes the Mutant Neutralizer] I wasn't aware this world had any mutants. Nicola: What's a Mutant? [Everyone facefaults. Dissolve to next scene] ************************************************ [STILL: A slightly dingy room a little more than ten by ten feet with a large double bed in it. Two cots have been pushed into one corner. Terri is sitting on the bed dressed in a rather tight white shift decorated with little yellow spears. Karin is in a similar outfit, which doesn't quite fit her either. Karin's hair is bound up in a towel. ACTION: Terri is polishing her rapier, while Karin is paging through her spellbook.] Terri: You never realize how good baths are until you can't have one for a while. Karin: I feel so much cleaner. Now if I could just find a manicurist... [sighs] I guess we should be happy the temple has baths. Terri: [looks over at Karin] I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I know you weren't too enthused. Karin: Well, being able to do magic is nice, even if my spellbook is so full of entirely stupid spells. You'd think Sandy, the goddess of magic, could have done BETTER when she gave me this. Terri: [sighs] Poor Andrew. All he got was that stupid microphone. He really got rooked. Karin: We don't know what, if anything, Hayao's 'golden touch' does either. Terri: Yeah, but at least he can defend himself. I've always admired Andrew's ability to stay out of fights, but... Karin: [sighs] Yeah. [dreamy voice] He's so gentle and kind and handsome and... Terri: Yeah, yeah, you've told me about 10,000 times. Karin: [blushes] I'm sorry. Terri: [thinking] If it hadn't been two years since my last date that wasn't a disaster, I probably wouldn't mind so much. [out loud] I'm used to it. [thinking] Everyone I like falls madly in love with you, but I won't mention that either. Karin: It's too bad Drak is taken. I think he likes you. Terri: [sheathes her sword] Yeah, right. I'd go mad dealing with his sword, anyway. [thinking] Nobody that cute ever likes me. At least he isn't in love with Karin. Karin: [thinking] Well, that didn't work. She has such awful luck with guys. There has to be some way to perk her back up. I'm sure I can come up with SOME kind of plan. [Cut to next scene] ***************************************************** [STILL: Another bedroom cubicle. This one has Andrew and Hayao in it. ACTION: Hayao is busily cleaning his rapier while Andrew reads the microphone instructions.] Andrew: [pushes a button on the microphone and soft tinkling music begins to play] Hayao: What's that? Andrew: The background music option. Hayao: Going to sing our enemies into submission? Andrew: Shut up. Hayao: Of course, I suppose if you're Minmei, that would make Karin Rick Hunter and I'd have to be Lisa Hayes. [thinking] And we know which one of them won. Andrew: [laughs] Then who would Terri be? Hayao: Xena, Warrior Princess. [They both laugh.] Andrew: [pushes another button, then speaks into the microphone] Testing. [His voice booms through the room.] Hayao: You didn't HAVE to turn it up to eleven, you know. [Andrew sings the Star Spangled Banner into the microphone. Hayao stands and salutes an imaginary flag.] Hayao: Hey, what the... Andrew: Hmm? Hayao: I couldn't help myself. Andrew: I guess this thing does work. Hayao: Work? Andrew: It's supposed to help you inspire and emotionally influence people. Hayao: Not bad. Andrew: Now if I could just remember a song besides the Star Spangled Banner... [Hayao facefaults. Dissolve to next scene.] ********************************************** [STILL: The Temple of Athena at daybreak. Our heroes are gathered in front of the temple with Nicola. All five of them have heavily packed horses now. ACTION: Several Acolytes finish loading the horses. Hayao is amusing himself by shaking the Bhellom and asking it stupid questions.] Hayao: Does Eddings repeat the same plot over and over? [The word 'yes' floats to the top.] Should people who watch Melrose Place die horribly? [The word 'yes' floats to the top.] Andrew: Will you STOP THAT? Hayao: Hey, this is more fun than I ve had in a long time. Andrew: That's because you have no life. Hayao: Does Andrew have a life? [The phrase 'Definitely not' floats to the top.] Well, that settles that. Andrew: Damn Troll Gods. They're starting to annoy me more than the Smurfs. [turns to Nicola] So why did you pack that armor away? Nicola: Because if you walk around the streets in armor, the city watch will follow you everywhere, waiting for you to do something illegal. Andrew: Robbing the Thieves Guild is illegal? Terri: Thanks for all the gifts, Nicola. Nicola: It was my pleasure to aid a champion of my goddess. If you need healing after your raid, come to us and we ll take good care of you. [kisses Drak goodby.] Terri: Well, let's go. We need to go scout out the area and make a plan. [Dissolve to next scene.] ******************************************** [STILL: A dark, dank tunnel. A Sewer to be precise. ACTION: Five figures slog through the darkness. One of them is carrying a faintly glowing sword. Three of them--Terri, Andrew, and Hayao--are now wearing chainmail and open faced helmets.] Drak: You know, this place really stinks. Andrew: I seem to remember it was YOUR idea that we sneak in this way? Sevian: Ahh, this brings back memories of the time Drak dropped me in his laundry pile. Terri: Do you ever stop complaining, Sevian? Sevian: I prefer the term, 'continuing lifestyle critique'. Terri: Drak, why haven't you melted down Sevian and made something more useful like a backscratcher out of him? Drak: Well, he's the only magical sword I ve ever managed to hold onto for more than a day. He is useful sometimes. He knows about ancient history and is full of interesting stories. He's also basically indestructible. Sevian: That's because I'm a god. Drak: Plus he makes interesting noises when I bang him on the wall. [whangs Sevian against the wall. The ringing echoes.] Sevian: I hate that! Drak: Then be quiet. [looks around] Assuming we don't get attacked by the wererats living down here, we should reach the secret enterance in about three minutes. Hayao: You didn t say anything about wererats. Karin: WHAT? Terri: How are we supposed to fight wererats without any magic weapons? Although they only have three hit dice, but still... Drak: Three what? Terri: [looks around nervously] You did stock up on attack spells, right, Karin? Like I told you to? Karin: What attack spells? This stupid spellbook is full of spells for bleaching your hair and conjuring kiwi fruit...I do have some attack spells, but mostly I just tried to memorize anything that wasn't completely stupid. Terri: Anything good against wererats? Karin: Lemme think. [There are scuttling noises in the darkness. Everyone looks around nervously.] Andrew: Tell me I didn't hear that. Karin: You didn't hear that. [There are loud splashing noises.] Drak: Sevian, full light. [Sevian shines brightly, clearly illuminating the tunnel. About thirty rat-like humanoids are swarming through the shin high water and muck towards our band of heroes and heroines.] Drak: Halt! We claim the right of passage as emmisaries of the Thieves Guild. Were-Rat #1: What's the Password? Drak: Caveat Emptor. Were-Rat #2: No, the new password. Hayao: [whispers to the Bhellom and shakes it] Are we all going to die? [The phrase 'Omens Unclear' floats to the top] Drak: Uhh... Sevian: Drak is a big, fat idiot. Drak: Hey! Were-Rat #1: Right. Sorry to bother you. [The were-rats turn and leave. As they pass out of sight, one of them can be heard to say...] Were-Rat #3: So, if we assume that the utilitarian calculus is to be performed on an abacus, then we can assume that... Terri: ... Drak: ... Sevian: Right. Let's get moving before this stink finishes off the rest of Drak's brain. Drak: How did YOU know the new password, Sevian? Sevian: You have to know these things when you're a god. Hayao: [whispers to the Bhellom] Was Sevian just being randomly insulting and got lucky? [The answer 'Yes' floats to the top.] [Dissolve to next scene] ************************************ [STILL: The blasted wastelands of the first layer of the Nine Hells, the home of Tiamat, queen of evil dragons. A huge red sun shines down through murky clouds, giving a reddish tint to everything that isn't already getting a reddish tint from all the volcanoes everywhere. And from the fireballs that periodically explode for no apparent reason all over the landscape. A huge mountain rises at the center, and at its base is a cave enterance a quarter mile across, carven from the rock by Tiamat's acid. Inside the cavern, her court of dragons lives and her huge pile of treasure big enough to crush even Rush Limbaugh. Well, a man can dream. However, Tiamat was currently outside because Anthraxus was rather worried about a repeat of his last meeting with one of his allies. ACTION: Anthraxus moves so he can be silhouetted by the huge red sun behind him and so that his front won't be red-tinted anymore. It's starting to annoy him.] Anthraxus: So the Cult of the Dragon will be ready to move when the time comes? Tiamat: Yes. Will your demons be ready? Anthraxus: Daemons. Tiamat: Yes. Will they be ready? Anthraxus: Yes. I've heard rumors that our competition has picked some champions. Tiamat: [sounds very surprised] They stopped arguing with each other long enough to accomplish something? Anthraxus: Apparently so. We haven't found their champions yet. Tiamat: Well, enough business. Are you sure you won't come inside and have a nice drink of some cold brewed fermented Devil's blood? Anthraxus: Can you promise the ceiling won't collapse on me? Tiamat: I ve lived in this cave for 20,000 years. It s about as sturdy as they get. [There is a loud explosion, a deep rumbling, and the entire mountain collapses. We hear the sound of five draconic consorts being squashed flat.] Voice: [somewhere in the rubble] Dragons SUCK! Gnomes are cool! Tiamat: ... Anthraxus: I think I ll destroy my own palace, just so I won't have to worry about going home. [Iris out.] ******************************** [Iris in. STILL: Utter total darkness. ACTION: If anything is happening, no one can see it.] Terri: [loud thumping noise] Are you SURE they'll notice if we use any light? Drak: Just everyone hold onto me and I'll lead you. And be as quiet as you can. [The three people in chainmail jingle in unison. We hear a lot more thumping noises.] Drak: Addendum. Everyone hold onto me from BEHIND, not in front. Andrew: Oops. Karin: Hold my hand. [SLAP!] My HAND! Andrew: Oops. [Fade to Black, as if anyone could tell.] ************************************* [Fade in. STILL: A dimly lit wooden hallway. ACTION: Our heroes are creeping along as silently as they can, with Drak in the lead, showing everyone where to step.] Terri: So how far is it to the vaults? Drak: About thirty more feet, then we have to break into the Guildmaster's bedroom so we can get to it. Andrew: Hmmm. How are we going to get the vault OPEN? Karin: I'll use my Transmute Lock to Jello spell. Andrew: What if it's warded against magic? Hayao: We'll have you touch it first to see if any wards go off. Andrew: HEY! Drak: SHHH! Remember we re in a building full of theives! Andrew: Hmph. [Drak waves for them to stop when he reaches a certain door. He kneels down and listens at the door, peeks through the keyhole and looks through the crack under the door. He then pulls out a key and unlocks the door.] Terri: You have a key to the guildmaster's bedroom? Sevian: The guildmaster's wife gave it to him for their... Drak: Be quiet! There's thieves around here! Sevian: Oh no, they might pick pocket me. [The band heads into the guildmaster's bedroom. It is very ornately decorated with a huge four poster bed, nice tapestries on the wall, plush hand-woven carpets, two wardrobes and a large mirror next to one of the wardrobes. The far wall is a huge vault door with 12 locks. The canopy is drawn shut on the bed.] Andrew: I guess crime does pay. Hayao: The wages of sin are death. Karin: [takes a look at herself in the mirror] Bleah, I seriously need a bath. Drak: Time enough for that later. I hope you can effect all these locks. Voice: [from inside the canopy. Sounds female] Is someone there? Drak: [waves at everyone] No. No one is here. Voice: Right. I'll just...hey, Drak darling! Terri: [whispered] Darling? [The Guildmaster's wife, a raven haired beauty who looks to be around 30 and is currently wearing a silk nightgown pulls the canopy open. Drak quickly steps over to try to block her view of the room.] Guildmaster's wife: You came back for me! Drak: Uh, yeah. [behind his back, he makes frantic gestures at everyone. They stand around paralyzed, trying to figure out what to do next.] Guildmaster's wife: That's sooo romantic! Get me some clothing so I don't have to wear this when we go. Drak: Yes, dear. [heads over to the wardrobe, shutting the canopy on the bed as he goes] You just rest a few minutes while I find something nice. Guildmaster's wife: Okay! Drak: [whispers to Karin] Like, zap the vault locks already! Hayao: [whispers to the Bhellom] Are we about to get in even MORE trouble? [The answer 'yes' floats to the top.] Will it be Drak's fault? [ 'Yes' ] Andrew: Will I hit Hayao if he doesn't stop playing with the Bhellom? [The answer 'Yes' floats to the top. Guildmaster's wife: Did you say something, dear? Drak: No, no. Trying to decide if you should wear green or blue for the escape. [Karin quickly casts Transmute Locks to Jello on the vault door, then Terri and Hayao slowly pull the vault door open.] Terri: This seems too easy. [The Vault Door begins to scream.] Vault Door: THIEVES! HELP! I'M BEING ROBBED!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Drak: ... Sevian: I wonder if it does that every time the guildmaster opens it...he is a thief after all. Guildmaster's wife: Thieves? WHERE? SAVE ME! [She leaps out and runs over to Drak.] Terri: Hayao and I will guard the door. Karin, you and Andrew, find Wayfinder. [Karin and Andrew run inside the vault, which is overflowing with gold, silver, gems, tapestries, fig newtons, depleted uranium necklaces, sceptres, rods, staves, blue diamonds and green clovers. They start frantically digging through the room, trying to figure out where a six foot long divining rod could be hidden.] Drak: Don't worry, you're safe. Guildmaster's wife: Who are all these people, Drak? Drak: Two of my sisters and their husbands. Sevian: How many relatives do you have, anyway, Drak? Guildmaster's wife: Oh, hi, Sevian. Has Drak been keeping you polished? Sevian: He's been keeping something polished... Drak: SEVIAN! Terri: Great. I hear people coming. Hayao: At least they can't backstab us through the doorway. [A ceiling panel opens and five men in leather armor tumble down into the room with swords.] Hayao: At least they don't have poisoned weapons. [The men pause and dip their blades in some kind of reddish gunk they are carrying pots of.] Hayao: At least... Terri: Shut up, Hayao. EN GARDE! [charges into the midst of the men] Hayao: Watch out! [charges in after her. He soon finds himself hard-pressed by two of the thieves who are pressing him back towards the bed, while three more engage Terri.] Terri: [swiftly disarms two of the thieves, who flee, while the third manages to keep his sword] I've got you now! Thief: You'll never get out of here alive! [Drak charges the two thieves attacking Hayao from behind, while Andrew and Karin desperately start digging through the piled up wealth with a conjured shovel.] Karin: You know, I never thought someone could have too much money. Andrew: Ahah! [finds a bit of wood sticking up. He pulls and pulls out a six foot long dousing rod with runes carved up and down its length.] Just what the doctor ordered. [They emerge into the room just as the last of the first waves of thieves flee back through the trap door.] Terri: Drak. What's the best way out of here? Drak: Dead or alive? Terri: [rolls her eyes] Take a wild guess. Andrew: Silly, that's what THIS [holds up Wayfinder] is for. [holds the rod in front of him] Wayfinder, show me the best way to get out of this place. [the rod twists about and points at Sevian] Hmm. It thinks Sevian can get us out of here. Sevian: Kneel and worship me, and I'll save you! Andrew: How? Sevian: Ummm.... Drak: He'll just talk and none of our enemies will want to come near him. Sevian: Drak! Drak: Perhaps he'll bore them to death with another speech about good old Father James the Mighty and the time he had three lumps of sugar with his tea. Sevian: I thought I hadn't told you that story yet. Drak: [looks at the wall] Hmm. [sticks Sevian into the wall. It slides in like a knife through butter] Ahaha! Sevian: [muffled] Don't leave me stuck in the wall, you bastard! Terry: Wow, you can cut through walls with him. Hayao: Or floors. We can tunnel our way out without having to face the thieves. Sevian: I am not the god of shovels! Drak: True. You'd be useful then. [starts carving a tunnel down through the floor of the vault. It is slow work. The group can hear people scuttling about in the ceiling and the hallway. Meanwhile, the guildmaster's wife goes and gets dressed.] Angelina, Franco doesn't still have that huge pot of poison gas, does he? Angelina: [the guildmaster's wife] I think he was saving half of it for you. Why? Drak: [nervously] I just hope he doesn't think to dump it into here. Angelina: [confidently] Oh, he'd never do that to me. Drak: [has carved about a four foot deep tunnel] Whew. Franco Corialis: [The guildmaster, through the door] Open up or I'll use the poison gas! You have five minutes! Angelina: He's bluffing. Franco: That you, Angelina? Angelina: It's me, Franco dear. Franco: Make that two minutes. Karin: Remind me never to take your advice, Angelina. Angelina: How soon would you like to be reminded? Karin: [buries her face in her hands] We're doomed. Angelina: Drak dear, why are you carving a tunnel? Drak: So we can get out of here alive. Angelina: Wouldn't it be faster to use the trapdoor? Drak: There's thieves up above the trapdoor. Angelina: No, I meant the one in the floor under the carpet. [peels back the rug, revealing a trap door] Sevian: I'm going to kill you, Drak. It'll take me forever to get rid of the taste of this rock. Angelina: Hey, we used only the best quality stone! Sevian: I never liked caviar either. [Terri pops open the secret door and they scramble down it. Cut to next scene.] ************************************** [STILL: A deep, dark, dank sewer, very dimly lit by phosphorescent lichens. We see a rat gnawing on a piece of cheese. ACTION: A pair of alligator jaws rise from the water and eat the rat. The camera pans to reveal our heroes slogging down the tunnel towards where the rat was eaten.] Angelina: Bleah! This place is really smelly and disgusting! Drak, carry me! Drak: [sighs and picks her up] Okay, we go left at the next intersection and then we can climb up one of the maintenance ladders. Karin: [covered with muck] Someone please tell me they've invented washing machines already. Hayao: Unfortunately, the washing machine is a twentieth century invention. At this point, you still scrub your clothing on a board with rocks and soap. Assuming you bother to wash your clothing. Many people went without bathing for months, and their clothing... Karin: I really could have lived without knowing that. Terri: I'm sure you have a spell somewhere in that book. Karin: I've got one for stripping people buck naked, but I don't think that will help. Angelina: You really don't have the figure for that, anyway. Karin: [glares at her] Would you like me to try it on you? Angelina: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Drak, save me from the pervert mage! Terri: [thinking] What does he see in this floozy? Hayao: [whispers to the Bhellom] Is Nicola going to string up Drak by his thumbs when he brings this woman back to the temple? [The words,'Definitely Yes' float to the top. Hayao laughs.] [Cut to next scene.] **************************************** [ACTION: Our heroes have just finished clambering out of the sewers. They are all a filthy mess, even Angelina.] Terri: You should have asked for the best clean route, Andrew. Andrew: Wayfinder, show us the best way...the best clean way to where we can get cleaned off. [Wayfinder twists and bends off to the left] [They follow Wayfinder's lead through a series of alleyways. They emerge into a small marketplace, now closed for the night at the same time as Franco and his thieves charge into the marketplace on horseback. They have a green-robed wizard with them, who is gazing into a mirror.] Wizard: Okay, they should be right here. Andrew: [very quietly] Wayfinder, show us the best way to get away from these guys. [It twists and points right towards the thieves.] No, AWAY from them. [It continues to point at the thieves. He speaks louder] Are you DEAF? Show us the best way to get away from them! Terri: [hisses] Keep your voice down. [Everyone scrambles to hide admidst the stalls] Andrew: [Wayfinder points right at Franco this time] Wayfinder, you MORON! Are you TRYING to get us captured? Franco: Ahah! There's one of them! Wizard: Your wife is in the fruit stall over there. [points]\ Franco: CHARGE! [The thieves charge forward.] Terri: [looks around and spots an exotic animal stall. Four bored looking guards are sitting there, watching over the animals. Clearly the owner has nowhere else to put them. There are three lions, two leopards, a spotted parrot, a coatl, a giant wombat and an elephant, complete with howdah.] Head for the stall! [They all bolt towards the stall.] Wizard: [pulls out a wand] SIM SIM SALABIM! [Lightning flies from the wand at our heroes. Drak raises Sevian and deflects the bolt.] Sevian: OWWWWW!!!!!! That hurt, you know! Hayao: Why didn't the bolt conduct down into your arm? Drak: Huh? Hayao: Never mind. Terri, why are we charging the wild animal stall? Terri: [shouts at the guards] We're buying your elephant! How much for it? Guard: Ummm...200 Gold Pieces. Guard 2: [whispers] Don't they only cost 100 Gold? Guard: [whispers] Are you insinuating something? Guard 2: Ahhh. Terri: Hayao, pay the man. [The wizard unleashes more lightning. The thieves can't get near our heroes because it is too dangerous. Drak deflects all the bolts.] Sevian: THIS IS STARTING TO REALLY HACK ME OFF! Drak: You wanna go back to the anvil? [Hayao pays the guards and they all start scrambling up into the howdah.] Franco: Stop with the lightning! We can't get near them! Wizard: But...I LIKE lightning! Franco: But would you marry it? Wizard: Huh? [While Franco keeps his own wizard busy, the thieves close in our heroes. Drak scrambles up the elephant into the howdah.] Terri: Giddyap! Hayao: I don't think elephants respond to giddyap and whoa. Andrew: [gets out the microphone] Let me try. [begins singing 'On the Road Again'. The elephant lumbers forward, trashing the rest of the stall. The wild animals escape just as the thieves arrive.] Wizard: Get out of my way! They're getting away! Karin: [puts one foot behind her head while chanting] Um shaka laka, um shaka laka, um shaka laka! [does a handstand while humming 'Ima gadda da vida'. A purple ray fires from the back of her feet at the wizard] Wizard: Ahhhh!!!!! [runs away, screaming] No! NO! You can't make me eat beans through my nose!!!!!!! Andrew: What spell was THAT? Karin: It conjures up your deepest fear. [Everyone gathers at the back of the howdah, watching the scene of anarchy fall behind them.] Terri: I hope you never shoot me with that. Hayao: Hmm. I'm sure the city watch isn't going to be happy about those wild animals running loose. [Andrew continues singing.] Karin: This is almost like having a car radio for our elephant. Hayao: Hmm. So who's driving our elephant? [Everyone stares at each other, then rushes to the front of the howdah. The elephant is headed right at one of the city gates.] Drak: You know, this is right along the route Wayfinder pointed out. Terri: Andrew! Stop! Stop the Elephant! Andrew: [stops singing] Umm....I can't think of any good songs about stopping. Angelina: We're going to hit the gate! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! [buries her face in Drak's chest] [Everyone grabs onto something. Terri grabs Andrew with one hand and the side of the howdah with the other. Karin grabs onto Andrew and Hayao grabs onto Karin. Drak sheathes Sevian and clings to the other side of the howdah, while Angelina clings to him.] Angelina: At least I'll die for love. I will never stop... Andrew: That's it! Angelina: What's it? [As the elephant crashes through the gates, Andrew begins singing, 'Stop in the name of love' The elephant tries to skid to a halt. Unfortunately, it can't slow down very well and ends up going over the banks into the river, about twenty feet below. Drak leaps clear with Angelina. Terri springs loose with her friends trailing after her. The elephant simply trumpets and plummets into the thankfully deep river.] Terri: Nice timing, Andrew. Andrew: I aim to please. [They all hit the water and sink. Soon, they all bob back to the surface.] Hayao: Next time, I'll drive. Angelina: Poor elephant. Heroically, it gave its life so that... [she is cut off as the elephant comes up under her and Drak, sending them flying] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Andrew: Hey, I got us clean, didn't I? [They notice all the gook from the sewer has washed off them.] Terri: It was a pretty clean route, too. I guess we swim for shore, now. Andrew: Wayfinder, where should we go next? [Wayfinder twists and points downstream, away from the city] So what's that way, Terri? Terri: Eventually, we'll get to Bakor, though that's a few hundred miles. Drak: Here, gimme that. [takes Wayfinder] Which way do I go to get in the least trouble? [points the same way as when Andrew asked his question] Guess I'll be staying with you a while longer. Angelina: What, you were thinking of leaving your family behind, Drak? Hayao: Yes. After all, Andrew and I are your brothers-in-law. And what about your sisters? Sevian: [muffled by the sheath] And me, your poor old grandfather! You'll bring shame on the family name! Drak: [thinking] Me and my big mouth. [Fade to black] ******************************************************* Author's afterword: That's all for part 2! Part three takes our heroes and heroines to play with the Elves!