[STILL: A vast hall of vaguely Greek decor, much better described in the start of OAV #1, so I won't repeat myself. As usual, the hall is crowded with deities, who are relaxing, plotting, romancing, drinking, gaming, and wenching/studding, as appropriate. Four of the gods are gathered around a table, looking at a map. ACTION: View zooms in on the four gods around the table: SANDY, EHLVIZ, BALTOR, and ATHENA.] Elhviz: How are the chosen ones doing? Baltor: They...wait, haven't we already done this scene? Sandy: Yes, but this time it ends differently. Baltor: [close up on Baltor] So you won't be so pathetic this time? Sandy: [close up on Sandy] This time I'll chop off your head! [View pulls back to encompass all four again] Athena: Look, we need to do some exposition BEFORE you two mangle each other. Elhviz: So, like I said, how are the chosen ones doing? Baltor: They're in Nimost. Sandy: [blinks] Why are they in Nimost? They need to be getting Champion from Morgath! Morgath lives in the OLD Elven capital, not the new one. Baltor: Who knows. Wayfinder never explains why it's taking you somewhere. But...I have made arrangements to send them an omen. Athena: Through your priests in Nimost? Sandy: Ahh, good idea. I'll have my priestesses from my MUCH LARGER temple in Nimost talk to them too. Baltor: Wasn't that the temple you were complaining was being turned into a brothel by your high priestess? [Ehlviz begins to laugh.] Sandy: NO! Baltor: So which one of your temples is now a brothel? Was it the one in Hale? Athena: [sighs] Let's go get lunch while they make a mess, Ehlviz. Ehlviz: [takes Athena's arm] I could go for some fried chicken. [They depart to the sound of explosions. Fade scene out, fade title sequence in] ***************************** The Eternal Game OAV #3: The Burrahobbit Revisited. by John Biles http://www.tass.org/~rhea/Stories/EG Inspired by way too many fantasy novels, El Hazard, Guardians of the Flame, Rumiko Takahashi, Terry Pratchett, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, my AD&D campaign world, Greek Mythology, and other sources way too numerous to mention (like Warhammer Fantasy RPG and Jack Vance, and...oh wait, I said too numerous to mention...) Any resemblance to persons real or imaginary is purely intentional, unless it makes you angry, in which case it's all the fault of Keanu Reeves. Maybe if you hit him enough times, he'll learn how to act. Just don't tell him I sent you. A Raging Wombat Studios Production. Karinth and all persons therein not created by someone else and shamelessly stolen by me, copyright John Biles (1985, 1997,1999), if anyone cares. Sheriff Lobo was not harmed in the filming of this OAV, nor were any other fictional police officers. Rush Limbaugh, on the other hand.... [Cue unwritten, but probably cool theme song and opening sequence] ************************** [STILL: We see an ordinary seeming medieval inn room. Well, ordinary if you are used to silk sheets, an ornate tapestry of gold and silver thread on every wall, showing typical scenes of Elven life, a table carved of solid mahogany with a small silver statue of an Elven hunter, glass windows, golden flagons, flasks of wine, and two solid silverleaf wardrobes. Okay, not typical at all. The door opens and KARIN and TERRI step in.] Karin: I still would rather have a room with Andrew. Not that I don't like you or anything like that, but...you understand, right? Terri: Look, Hayao snores. I'm NOT sleeping with him any time I don't have to. [thinking] And since Drak and Angelina have their own room... Karin: You and Angelina could share a room. Terri: I want to keep my sanity. [sighs] She's driving me insane! Karin: [looks around. The view pans with her] Well, at least we got a nice room. Terri: [blinks] Now I know why the cheapest room in the inn costs so much. [They go over to the table. There is a note, which reads 'Feel free to keep any of the complimentary clothing.'] Karin: [Eyes light up] WOO! [rushes over to the wardrobe. It is full of beautiful, expensive dresses] I'm in HEAVEN! Terri: I'd better go see exactly how much we're paying. [crosses the hall to Andrew and Hayao's room. Their room is similar, though painted blue instead of green] Hayao, how much are we paying? Hayao: [thinks a moment] I talked him down to only 100 gold per night, from three hundred. Terri: The cheapest room was THREE HUNDRED gold? Remind me why we're staying here? Hayao: Wayfinder pointed it out. Besides, after all the hell we've been through, we deserve some luxury. Also, after we rescued that caravan on the way north from Bakor, we made a pretty hefty sum of money. I made a good investment with them and it paid off, so we now have... [pauses to count through a large bag of coins and gems] Our treasury holds about 10,000 gold pieces. Terri: [blinks] Dang, you've got the... Hayao: [laughs] I think we can see what the golden touch is good for. Now if only we could buy Andrew a brain. Andrew: [looking through the clothing in the closet] I HEARD that! [pauses] We ought to all get dressed up and go celebrate a little. This city is so beautiful, and I'm sure there must be some nice restaurants. We could go catch a...um, a troubadour performance or something. Hayao: Sounds good to me. [Cut to next scene.] ************************** [STILL: The dining room of the Welcome Inn. It resembles a plush French restaurant...if everyone in France had pointed ears and used magic to do everything. The diners are all exquisitely dressed in outfits that cost about the average lifetime income of a human peasant...if he finds a pot of gold in his backyard. Every day. For the rest of his life. The place is dimly lit, though the source of the light is uncertain. The staff is dressed better than some heads of state in our own world. They wear green and black livery with a smiley-face badge. There is a bar by one wall, and a check-in and payment desk by a second wall. A third wall holds the door to the street, while stairs lead up to the upstairs through a door in the fourth wall. ACTION: Our band of heroes descends the stairs from their rooms. Camera views them from a forty- five degree angle from the ground, panning across them. Angelina is wearing a long blue low-cut dress laced up the front with an incredibly long train. Drak looks nervous beside her, wearing a green and blue outfit that makes him look like a forester, complete with a hood. His shoes are especially noteworthy, since they have a massive curled up extending 'toe' in front with bells hung on it. He jingles as he walks and Sevian can be heard snorting every time Drak moves. Next to him is Terri, who is wearing a long white dress with little golden spears worked into all of the hems. The skirt on it is short, coming down only to a little below her knees. Much of it is hidden by a white surcoat with a golden sword emblem which she is wearing over it, belted at the waist, or by the long white cloak with a red lining that she is also wearing. Hayao wears a long blue tunic gathered at the waist with a belt, and tights, which seem to be making him rather uncomfortable. Andrew is wearing a ridiculously colored outfit that makes him look rather like a court jester, which seems to be amusing Karin to no end, probably because she made him wear it. He is carrying Wayfinder. Karin herself is wearing a long green dress with a matching wimple and long pointy hat. A second dress hangs loosely over that one, laced in front down to the waist.] Andrew: Do I HAVE to wear this? Karin: Yes. It's the height of medieval fashion, you know. Terri: [laughing] I still think we should write 'Wizzard' on your hat, Karin. Karin: My name is NOT Rincewind. Drak: Who? Angelina: You know they never answer questions like that, Drak darling. Let's get a table. [They soon get a table and order some food.] Karin: [staring at her menu] So what is there is to do for fun in this town? And does anyone know what any of these things on the menu are? Angelina: We could go see a theater performance. Nimost is noted for its plays. Or we could go swimming in the Nimduin. It's very nice and cool at this time of year. Terri: I think we're a little overdressed for swimming. [Angelina prattles on about various potential entertainments.] Terri: How do you know about all this stuff? Angelina: My parents used to come here for vacations all the time. Andrew: Who are your parents? Angelina: The Duke and Duchess of Aylynn. [Everyone but Drak facefaults.] Karin: Your father is a DUKE and you were married to the guildmaster of a cheesy little guild in a backwater city? Angelina: Well, Rin IS the capital of the Duchy of Rin, not a backwater. And it was the best way to make them really mad. They never let me do anything fun. Andrew: Why? Angelina: They wanted to marry me off to the Count of Umpor. He's ugly, though, so I said no. Also, he's already been married twice and I'm kind of suspicious after what happened to the last two. Karin: What happened? Angelina: The first one fell on a knife. Eight times. The second one sold herself into slavery in a moment of boredom. Supposedly. Karin: Uh huh. Drak: [sounds surprised] You never told me you were noble. Angelina: [shrugs] You never asked. Anyway, I know just about every way there is to have fun in this city. Just about every way to get in trouble too, but that's another story. Karin: So should we eat here or do you know somewhere better? [pauses] That won't get us in trouble. Angelina: [thinks a moment] Ah! I know the PERFECT place! [Cut to next scene] ************************* [STILL: A Silverwood balcony on the side of a huge 500 foot tree. The balcony itself is about 400 feet up in the air, curving around a eighty foot diameter tree, itself a giant Silverwood. The tables are made from magically stiffened Silverwood leaves, and thus are green with long silvery streaks running through them, polished to a smooth finish. The chairs are made from Nimbril wood and thus are a perfect white, with gold trim. There are half a dozen tables spread out on the balcony, which looks out on the city of Nimost. Nimost is an eldritch sight by starlight, full of huge trees strung together with walkways, crystal towers, streets of gold, silver and californium, small, beautiful parks with a market value roughly that of downtown Tokyo, and more elves than you can shake an orc at. Our heroes are seated at a pair of tables pulled together, finishing off a meal. Camera view is from up above them where we can see the city spread out below the balcony.] Terri: [taking another drink of wine with a silly smile on her face] Wow, this stuff is good! Angelina: Yes. [frowns] I'm not sure you should drink so much of it, though. It's pretty potent. Terri: I never thought I'd find something better than Doctor Pepper. Drak: [confusedly] What does a doctor have to do with wine? Hayao: It's a drink where we come from. [turns to Terri] Angelina is right. [thinks] Now that's something I never thought I'd EVER say. [speaks] Getting drunk when we're 400 or so feet off the ground is a bad idea. Terri: I am NOT drunk! Hayao: [closeup on Hayao as he brings out the Bhellom] Is Terri drunk? [shakes the Bhellom. The answer 'yes' floats up to the top.] The Bhellom agrees with me. [view cuts back to the wider angle again] Terri: [sips more Elven silverale] Ask it if it wants some. Hayao: We're not supposed to get it wet. Terri: Well, if it's afraid of the stuff, it should be happy I'm NOT afraid of it! [looks triumphant] Angelina: [to Drak] You've got to stop her before she does something foolish. Drak: [to Angelina] She'll kick my ass! I want to live! Angelina: [thinks] Never send a man to do a woman's job, I guess. Hmm...how to rein her in. Andrew: [finishes his food] Man, this stuff is great. [pauses] What exactly did I just eat? Angelina: Nimost fried Catoblepas, I believe. I can't remember which kind of gravy you got, though. Andrew: It had eyeballs in it. Don't you remember me screaming when I found it? Hayao: [quietly] If only I had a camera. Angelina: Ahh, a light white Beholder sauce. Really, it's better with Black Dragon blood marinade, but that usually costs more than it's worth. It's like buying a gold plated wagon wheel, then throwing it away after the first use. [pauses] Ahah! [grabs Wayfinder from by Andrew's chair and whispers something to it. It swivels about and points to the kitchen door.] Hmm. Karin: Asking it where to find dessert? Angelina: [laughs] I'm not THAT petty. Terri: [Camera now shifts to focus on her and the railing she's sitting next to] I am! [grabs Wayfinder] What's the best way to go to get dessert? [It points over the railing. She gets up to go over the edge and everyone has to dogpile her] Drak: You idiot! That's a four hundred foot drop! Terri: But Wayfinder said it was the best way! Drak: Aargh, do you always get stupid when you get drunk? Terri: I'm NOT DRUNK! [Camera pulls back as a waiter approaches] Waiter: Would you like some... [blinks] Perhaps I should come back later. Hayao: [struggling with Terri] Bring the check. We need to leave before our friend does anything else stupid. Karin: [pulls her spellbook from under her chair] Maybe I've got a spell for inducing sobriety. Waiter: [close up on the Waiter as he chants and gestures] Aku Soku Bork Bork Bork! [Closeup on Terri's face] Terri: [shakes her head, eyes wide] Hey, why's everyone on top of me? [Camera cuts back to show the whole pile] Andrew: You were trying to jump off! Terri: Wow...so that's what being drunk is like. [shakes her head] A little too dangerous for me. Karin: [goes over to the waiter. Camera follows her] Can you teach me that spell? Waiter: Do you have the spell 'Compel Tipping'? Karin: [digs through the book] Yes. Waiter: Come with me, and we can trade. [Camera cuts back to Hayao] Hayao: We'd best go pay our check NOW. [Cut to next scene] ******** [STILL: We see the beautiful streets of Nimost. One can tell this is a seedier part of town from the fact that the street is paved with silver, the locals only wear a duke's ransom in clothing instead of a king's ransom, and by the fact that Donald Trump MIGHT be able to afford to build one or two buildings like these if he didn't mind going bankrupt. ACTION: Our gang is walking down the street, following Angelina, who is holding Wayfinder] Angelina: Hmm. Looks like we're headed for the Linguistics Guild. Hayao: Ahh, so we have to defeat four evil gods with the power of semantics! Karin: With Sea Monkeys? Andrew: [shakes his head] Semantics, as in...uh...it has to do with... Hayao: Word meanings and grammar. I think. Terri: Unless it's magical semantics, I don't...ahah! [whips out a piece of paper] I bet they can translate this prophecy written in Ancient High Elven! Angelina: [takes the paper] Hmm. One of Birdagor's prophecies. The second half is actually in Old High Dwarven but with Old High Elven characters. 'In the Year of the Twin Eclipse, four shall come from beyond the walls of the world, serving four who oppose four in four ways. Four powers shall be given to them, and they shall travel the fourfold path that leads to finding four things. Then they must fight the four fists of fiendish fury to... Andrew: [thinking] Did someone replace her with a clone that actually has a brain? Hayao: Don't trail off for dramatic effect! Angelina: The rest is in Dwarven, which I don't know well. Terri: [thinking] Maybe she won't be completely useless after all. Drak: Isn't there something about hairdressers? Angelina: The characters for 'hairdresser' and 'four' are pretty similar in Old High Elven, along with the characters for 'Dwarf' and 'idiot', 'spork' and 'The Five Hundred and Twenty Third Layer of the Abyss', 'human' and 'cow' and a lot of other similar characters. Most scholars agree the Old High Elves had a weird sense of humor. [shrugs] Karin: I take it this is the Year of the Twin Eclipses? Drak: We did have two in one month. Everyone was pretty surprised when it happened. [points] Is that the linguist guild? [The camera follows his finger to a ramshackle building, well, what passes for ramshackle in Nimost. It looks like six different buildings (the Eiffel Tower, the Cathedral of Tours, the Great Pyramid, the World Trade Center, the Taj Mahal, and Mount Vernon) were fused together into a sprawling monstrosity of architecture. As one looks at it, you can hear architects exploding in the distance. There's a large sign: Linguistics Guild of Nimost, written in 20 languages. The camera then swings back to our heroes/heroines in a series of head shots] Terri: Impressive. Hayao: Like a train wreck. Andrew: Exactly. [The view pulls back to show the whole group. They walk up and head in the front door. The front lobby is about two hundred feet across with stairs leading off in six different directions, four exit hallways, and a tiny desk in the middle with a bored secretarial male elf with long blue-black hair, reading a book] Angelina: Hello! Elf: [looks up and rubs his eyes. Camera zooms in on his shocked face] Are you real? [View pulls back to encompass everyone] Angelina: Yes. We need someone who speaks Old High Dwarven. Elf: So this isn't me falling asleep from boredom and dreaming you? Terri: Not many visitors? Elf: Most elves already speak five to ten languages and don't need to hire linguists often. [stands up] But we're always glad to help! Old High Dwarven...follow me.. [They pass through the building, which is an immense non-Euclidean maze] Hayao: Does anyone ever get lost and wander forever, never to be seen again in here? Elf: Not beside the kobold tribe and the lost band of adventurers who think they're trapped on an Outer Plane and keep attacking our members, accusing them of being Demon Lords. [shrugs] Keeps the thieves away. [They come to a door, which is labeled, 'Alliandra, Specialist in Dwarf Languages. I am not Llolth, so stop attacking my office'. Terri and company all laugh. The elf opens the door and ushers them in. The ugliest elf any of them have ever seen is seated at a table, poring over several maps and consulting two large reference works. Alliandra is only about four foot eight and has badly sunburned skin, multiple warts, deep green eyes, and pitch white hair. She wears a very tacky flowered kimono] Alliandra: [not looking up] I'm still not Llolth. Elf: It's me, Davros. We've got some adventurers who want to consult with you about a prophecy. Alliandra: [still doesn't look up] Davros isn't here. I'm Alliandra. Davros: Will you STOP that! I'M DAVROS! Alliandra: [turns the page] Then don't call me Davros. Davros: [loses his composure completely; starts jumping up and down] Look, there's real customers here to REALLY talk to you! Alliandra: [looks up, sees them, then stares at Andrew with hearts in her eyes] Oooh, a cute one! C'mere, boy! Andrew: [thinking] I'm dead. [takes the prophecy and comes over] Can you translate this? Alliandra: [takes it and glances at it] Yes. Andrew: What's it going to cost us? Alliandra: Five nights of mad passionate sex. Andrew: ... Karin: NO WAY IN HELL!!!! Alliandra: [turns to Karin] I'm not asking you. [looks at Hayao] I'll cut it down to three if you throw him in too. Hayao: ... Angelina: [grabs onto Drak] He's mine! But you can have the others. Terri: Hey! Andrew: [nervously] Uh...I don't think Karin's gonna go for this. Alliandra: I don't like men with talking swords anyway. Sevian: [surprised] How'd you know I talk? Drak: My name is Drak, not Karin! Karin: I'm Karin, and HE [glomps onto Andrew] is my boyfriend. Alliandra: Hrmph, you people are no fun. [turns to Sevian] And as for your question, anyone can recognize the Sword of Whining quite easily. Sevian: HEY!!!!!!!! Drak: I should have guessed that. Alliandra: It is written that he who carries the Sword of Whining will triumph over all his enemies. Sevian: Much better. Alliandra: But will wish they would steal it from him so that he won't have to listen to it complain. Sevian: HEY!!!! Alliandra: As to payment...hmm...Hey, that's Wayfinder! Terri: [holding it] You can't have it. Alliandra: Damn. What can you pay me with? Hayao: How about a mutant neutralizer? Alliandra: A what? [sees the microphone] Is that some kind of wand? Andrew: It's a magical microphone. [uses it to sing YMCA, forcing everyone to dance around. When he finishes, everyone glares at him] Heheh. Angelina: ... Alliandra: Can you sing Hall of the Mountain King? Andrew: It doesn't have any words. Alliandra: You wouldn't happen to have the Axe of the Dwarvish Lords? Terri: It's still buried in Surost the last I heard. Alliandra: [boggles] You know where it is? Terri: It's in the secret treasure house behind the throne of Dwalin IV. You twist Gimli II's head on the left armrest and it opens up. Then you say 'watermelon' and enter. There's also a lot of mithril, gold, gems, platinum, armor, jewelry, tapestries, etc. in there. The Drow haven't been able to break in because Drow has no word for watermelons. Angelina: How'd you find THIS out? Terri: I own 'Fear and Loathing in Surost'. Both editions. They had to take Cthulhu and Hunter S. Thompson out of the second edition, even though they won the copyright lawsuit. And I got Steve R. Kneeson to autograph my first edition. The barbarian in the art was drawn to look like him...well, if he worked out every day. [pauses] Or if he was like me. [grins] Alliandra: Can you prove that location is correct? Terri: Gimme the Bhellom, Hayao. [catches it when he tosses it to her] Am I right? [The words 'yes' float to the top] There you go. Alliandra: You have the Bhellom? Terri: Yes. Alliandra: All right, I'll accept that knowledge as payment. Show me the prophecy. [Andrew puts it on the table. Camera zooms in on her. She examines it, copies down the script, consults some books, then holds up a small glowing bottle to it] Alliandra: I thought so. Now, watch. [snaps her fingers. View pulls back and we see the three hanging ceiling globes go out. Only the tiny glowing vial can be seen] Now, all of you gather around me. [they move in, and the camera zooms in on the sheet of paper with the prophecy. She is holding the blank side of the sheet up. As she holds the glowing liquid over it, letters fade into view first, and then the map which they label appears] Moon letters. And a moon map. Andrew: Moon letters? Alliandra: They only appear in moonlight. Luckily, I keep liquid moonlight for such contingencies. Took me two hundred years to gather this vial, but it was worth it. Anyway, the prophecy is just a false front. All it really says is that the chosen heroes have to get Champion, Balancer, and the Torc of Life to defeat Mirdon and prevent the Undeath Plague being unleashed. Would you like it in flowery language? Terri: No, plain is fine. So what's this map? Alliandra: It's of the ruins of Sindabar, where the dragon Morgath lives. Hayao: Morgoth? As in the evil renegade Valar? Terri: No, as in the Red Wyrm who sacked the city a long time ago, completing the wreck of the western kingdom of the Elves. He's got Champion. [sighs] There's nothing quite so fun as having the Dragon already possessing the only weapon that would give us a chance against him. Alliandra: Just hire a hobbit to steal it from him. Angelina: Yeah! All hobbits grow up robbing dragons for a living. Terri: That's sarcasm, right? Angelina: Eh? Hayao: [suddenly is in Terri's face] I told you to buy the Hobbit Sourcebook, but no, you kept putting it off! Terri: I wasn't expecting to COME HERE! [While they bicker, Andrew examines the map] Andrew: So what does all this writing mean? Alliandra: Most of it is street labels, but this [points] is the city library, this [points] is the city armory, this [points] is a really good bakery, and this [points] is the royal palace where Morgath lives. Andrew: Any secret entrances? Alliandra: [points] Right here. Karin: Any spellbooks that don't suck on the map? Alliandra: Well, if Morgath hasn't looted the library, you might find some there. Karin: Right. We check the library, then, so I can get better spells than 'Massacre Kiwi Fruit'. Alliandra: You'd be surprised how useful that spell can be. Drak: So, how old is this Dragon? Terri: About 1500 years. He has vorpal claws, breathes fire at will, and has enough treasure to buy your homeland, Drak. Drak: [cups a hand to his ear] Hmm. I think I hear my mother calling. Sevian: Only if she's slopping the hogs. Angelina: [shrugs] Oh, it'll be easy if we find the right hobbit. Terri: Right. You're in charge of hobbit recruiting. The rest of us are going to go pray for a miracle, and stock up on supplies. Karin: [turns to Terri] Are we REALLY going to do this? Terri: Hey, the gods wouldn't have chosen us if we couldn't handle this. Hayao: [pointedly] I seem to remember the Company of the Golden Lance being chosen by the gods too. Terri: You think the gods are going to let us keep these powers if we give up? You wanna be stuck here as just normal college students? Karin: Bleah. Terri: We're in too deep to back out now. [shrugs] Let's get to it! Andrew: Well, we'll die confidently, at least. Alliandra: You could stay here and be my love slave, handsome! Andrew: [heads for the door] Here we come, ready or not, Morgoth! Hayao: Morgath. Andrew: Whatever. [Cut to next scene] ************ [STILL: We see our company, except for Angelina, back at their inn, eating dinner. ACTION: Angelina walks up with a hobbit who has curly brown hair and dark blue eyes, who is wearing a blue ankle-length tunic, belted at the waist] Angelina: Here's our man. This is Bilko Hasselhoff. Bilko: [grabs a chicken leg off Andrew's plate and eats it in one bite, bones and all] Hi there. [looks at Karin] Nice dress, but it needs to be more skimpy to show you off to full effect. Karin: ... Bilko: The nice thing about human women is that they can have...anyway, I'm Bilko Hasselhoff, professional halfling life guard and part-time adventurer. Andrew: Lifeguard? Terri: You're up to sneaking into a dragon's lair? Bilko: I've robbed three hundred dragons since I was born. [cracks his knuckles] No problem. Terri: THREE HUNDRED? Bilko: Well, only two hundred and eighty. I robbed one of them twenty one times. Sevian: So, how long have you been a habitual liar? Hayao: [surreptitiously pulls out the Bhellom] Has he robbed two hundred and eighty dragons? [the words 'yes' float to the top] He's telling the truth. Bilko: Hey, it's the Bhellom! I thought I threw that in the ocean. Hayao: It came back. Terri: How did you FIND so many dragons? There's only five I know of in this part of the world. Bilko: You can't kick a rock in the Shire without hitting a dragon. Hayao: Hmm. And who didn't want to buy the Shire book because it didn't look exciting? [glances over at Terri] Terri: [irritatedly] Oh, be quiet. Hayao: Well, you sound good to me. Andrew: So what do you want as payment? Bilko: I'll just steal myself a payment. But you all have to keep me safe on the way there, because I can't fight very well. Terri: Sounds good to me, then. We leave tomorrow morning. Bilko: Right. I'll meet you here. [Iris out] **************** [Iris in. STILL: Our band of heroes is standing in front of their inn with their horses all saddled up and supplies stowed away. Terri, Hayao, and Andrew are all wearing chainmail with surcoats over it showing the symbols of the four gods they're working for. Karin is wearing a long red dress and a cloak with the symbols, while Angelina has them worked into her blouse. She is wearing a green blouse and black trousers, with a bandolier of knives, similar to Drak's own outfit, although he is also wearing a studded leather jacket] Karin: Hmm. You sure those are a good idea? [points to the surcoats] Terri: Every adventuring party needs a good symbol and a name. Hayao: What's our name, then? Andrew: The Doom Patrol. Terri: The Company of Four. Might as well flow with the prophecy. Andrew: [looking at Angelina's knives] You know how to use those? Angelina: [points at Andrew's sword] Better than you know how to use that. Andrew: [pouts] Hrmph. Where's the hobbit? Terri: Probably sleeping. Angelina: [points] Ahh, there he is. [The view swings and shows a horde of hundreds, maybe thousands of Elves chasing a desperately fleeing hobbit who has a sack slung over his shoulder] Bilko: Sorry I'm late! I had a little accident! Andrew: [jumps up onto his horse] LITTLE accident? Terri: Everyone, get moving! Hayao, go get Bilko! Hayao: Oh great. [mounts his horse and charges towards Bilko] Can you jump up on here? Bilko: [leaps up onto the horse quite nimbly. His bag, however, nearly knocks Hayao off the horse. He yanks the reins and turns it around] Ride! Ride! Hayao: [gets back properly into his saddle] What did you DO to these people? Bilko: I saved the Queen from drowning when she went swimming. Hayao: [blinks] They want to kill you for that? Bilko: I sort of accidentally stuck my head inside her bathing suit in the process. Hayao: ... Bilko: If she'd worn a skimpier suit, it never would have happened. I hate it when people wear one-pieces. Terri: [looks back at the approaching horde] Got any spells to slow them down without hurting them, Karin? Karin: [clinging desperately to her horse] Even if I did, I couldn't cast them like this. Terri: [holds Wayfinder with one hand] What's the best way to get out of the city? [it points straight back at the horde] Right. [wheels her horse about in something suspiciously like a bootlegger reverse, and doubtless impossible in a more realistic universe] Let's go! Bilko: That's suicidal! Hayao: [sighs] That's Terri. If this comes out like that incident in Lima, I'm going to maim you, Terri. Terri: If it comes out like that, there won't be enough of us left to worry about it. WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? CHARGE! [spurs her horse and bolts forward] Karin: I wouldn't mind living forever. Angelina: [laughing as they gallop towards the oncoming horde] This is exciting. Don't you think so, Drak dear? Drak: I hate exciting. Sevian: Just this once, I'm going to agree with you. [The mob parts as they charge forward, elves diving out of the way of the galloping horses. They zoom right through the masses and continue off down the street as the horde turns and gives chase] Terri: Hah! I win again, Lews Therin! Hayao: ... [They gallop off down the street. Fade out] ********** [Fade in. STILL: We see our heroes and heroines and hobbit camping in the forest. The trees tower high above them, mostly elms and oaks, with a few spruce and dogwood. Starlight filters down through the leaves, but the scene is largely lit by the bright fire in the middle of the camp. They are eating. There is a huge pile of bones on Bilko's plate; everyone else is still eating] Bilko: This is the best meal I've had on an adventure in a long time. [falls back on his back] Karin: Well, the 'Cook Deer' spell is one of the more useful ones I've got. [sighs] If we fight this thing, we're toast. Terri: We don't have to. We just need Champion. He probably hasn't even looked at it in centuries. Hayao: [shakes the Bhellom] Has Morgath looked at Champion lately? [the words 'How would I know?' float to the top] Well, that wasn't much help. Bilko: Well, really, we need two more people to do this right. Or seven more. Terri: What? Bilko: [tries to sit up and fails] Adventuring companies should either consist of five, nine, or fourteen people. Terri: ... Hayao: What's wrong with seven? Sevian: There's nothing wrong with me! And I count as a person, so that makes eight. Bilko: Eight is the number of abject disaster. Karin: That would explain all the trouble our public TV station keeps having. Andrew: I guess eight isn't enough. [Karin noogies him] Drak: What? Oh, never mind. [sighs] You could have told us about this before we left Nimost. Bilko: I assumed you all knew. [tries to sit up again and fails] You may have to carry me until I lose enough weight to be able to sit up. Andrew: ... Angelina: Well, it's about a three month trip to where we're going, so you'll have plenty of time to walk it off. Karin: THREE MONTHS? Angelina: Didn't you look at that map we bought? Terri: I suppose we're going to miss some school. [shrugs] Oh well, I was going to have to take more Spanish anyway. Hayao: We could probably save some time by riding down to the Formenduin and making a boat. Terri: We'd have to row upstream, though. Karin: [digs through her spellbook] Ahah! I've got a spell for making wind and another one for conjuring boats! We're good to go. Bilko: Well, I know how to sail a ship, and I can save any of you who fall off the side, so it sounds like a good idea to me. Karin: 'Accidentally' get inside my swimsuit and I'll turn you into a turnip. Bilko: Hey, it really WAS an accident! If it had been deliberate, I would have simply stripped her naked. Hayao: [thinking] Maybe if we put a bathing suit on the Dragon... Karin: I'm gonna need a scale model of the ship, though. Terri: No problem. This road leads to Celembar, which is on the Formenduin. There's a community of dwarves there who mine the edges of the big crater it sits in. They can build us a good model. Andrew: Sounds like a plan to me. [cut to next scene] ************************* [STILL: From high above, we see a beautiful city of crystal and shining steel and platinum worked into high towers connected by bridges at various levels, seated in the bottom of a huge crater that is cracked open on its eastern side. Two rivers plunge over the side of the crater on its north and west sides, flowing together and merging at the great crack on the eastern side, from which the now larger joint river flows through a canyon to the east. The cavern walls are riddled with mines connected by hanging bridges and staircases. ACTION: Our viewpoint plunges down into the city, which is inhabited by a mixture of Elves and Dwarves. We move quickly along the streets, and finally into a building labeled 'Gimli's Hobby Shop'. It is full of ships in bottles, dioramas of cities, tiny zeppelins floating about the shop bumping into people, and a clockwork dwarf. Our heroes and heroines have just entered.] Gimli: [a middle aged dwarf wearing black trousers and a dark green leather apron] Welcome to my store, travelers. How can I be of assistance? Angelina: [swats away a zeppelin which is ramming her head repeatedly] Stop it! Gimli: Stop...oh, I see it likes you. Angelina: ... Terri: We need a scale model of a ship. Gimli: Would you like to be more vague? Sevian: Ask Drak if you want that. Drak: Shut up, Sword of Whining! [laughs] Sevian: Hrmph. Andrew: Karin, tell him what you want. Karin: [gesturing with her hands to give an idea of the scale] I need a scale model of a ship that can hold seven people comfortably while cruising up the Formenduin. Gimli: [confusedly] You want the model to hold seven people? Karin: [shakes her head] No, no, I want a model of a ship that could hold seven people comfortably. I have the 'Conjure Ship' spell, but I need a model of the ship. Gimli: [nods] Ahh, right. Bilko: And I'd like an inflatable Elf. [everyone turns and stares at him] Never mind. Cancel that. [wanders off to look at the miniature collection] Gimli: Well, I can sell you a small yacht. If you like, I can build some miniature furniture, so your boat will be furnished as well. That'll take a few days. Karin: That sounds great. How much is it going to cost? Gimli: It'll take me two days and cost you three hundred gold. Andrew: For a SHIP MODEL? Gimli: Well, the unadorned one is only fifty gold, but after a few days of sleeping on the deck.... Terri: Right. Th... Hayao: Hold on. [steps forward] We're going dragon hunting. How about fifty now, and we pay you two percent of our plunder on our return? Gimli: You're going dragon hunting? Which dragon? Terri: Morgath. But we're planning to... [Gimli begins to turn red] Hayao: [cuts in] You know him? Gimli: That bastard ordered five hundred model kits and then decided he didn't want them after I spent five years building them! If you're going after that deadbeat, I want in! Terri: ... Hayao: Right. The faster you get the boat made, the faster we get on the road. Gimli: [grimly] It'll be done tomorrow. [The zeppelin drifts into Angelina's head again. She flails away, but it dodges the blows] Angelina: Stop it! Gimli: Down, Duran! [The zeppelin pouts and floats over to a stand, settling down onto it] Gimli: Sorry about that. He tends to get affectionate. Angelina: ... [Cut to next scene] ********** [STILL: In the busy bazaar of the city, a maze of stalls and booths, manned by a mixture of Elves and Dwarves. Hayao and Terri are here. ACTION: Terri picks up a cloak and looks at it] Terri: Oooh, an Elven cloak! Hayao: Let me look. [takes it and turns it over, finding a tag. 'Made in the Five Shires'] Hmm. I smell product fraud. Elven merchant: I never SAID it was an Elven Cloak! Besides, it works just fine! [takes it and puts it on, then wraps it around himself] I'm invisible! [He's not invisible at all] Hayao: [sighs] Next booth, Terri. Terri: Thanks, Hayao. Hayao: [bows] Glad to be of assistance. Terri: How'd you know that Dwarf would want to join us? Hayao: It just came to me. The Golden Touch, I guess, saving us some money. Same way I knew to look for the tag. Terri: And now we have nine people if you count Sevian. And Angelina. Hayao: She's not as stupid as she looks. She read the prophecy none of the rest of us could, and she knows quite a bit. And none of us are exactly experienced at real adventures, anyway. Terri: [sags] You really think we can pull this off? Hayao: Do we really have a choice? Terri: I suppose saying yes without really getting into the details wasn't too wise of me. Hayao: Well, we've all always been crazy enough to follow your lead. And we've done okay so far. [puts a hand on her shoulder] You've made a good leader. Terri: [blushes] I'm just starting to think I've gotten in over my head. Hayao: I know we have, but we'll pull through, somehow. Terri: [leans over and hugs him briefly] Thank you, Hayao. Hayao: [shifts nervously] You're welcome. Terri: [spots another booth] Ahah, maybe this one will have authentic cloaks. Hayao: Cheap Umporian knockoffs. Terri: I think your power is getting stronger, Hayao. Hayao: Well, this is the best time for it; it won't be much use in the Dragon's lair, unless we find some way to sue him for breach of contract. Terri: I should take you with me the next time I go down to Plano Mall. Hayao: Not if I can help it. [cut to next scene] ********* [STILL SHOT: Utter pitch black darkness. ACTION: Something is happening, but you can't see it.] Hamstur the Unbearable: Do we REALLY have to meet here? Anthraxus: Well, I leveled my own house before the gnomes could, and they already collapsed Tiamat's cave and Orcus' palace, so I rented this level of the Abyss from Darkoth. Orcus: Well, I suppose it does save making an effort to decorate. Tiamat: But how can we be sure one of us isn't being impersonated by one of the gods of Good? Or that they aren't spying on us. Anthraxus: I can smell Hamstur, and I know your voices from memory. Besides, how would they know where to find us? Orcus: Have any of you had any luck finding the champions chosen by our opponents? Tiamat: I've been busy renovating my cave and auditioning new consorts to replace the flattened ones. Hamstur: Elmyra tried to flea dip me again! Anthraxus: I've been busy negotiating the lease on this layer of the Abyss. Orcus: [bangs his fist on the not visible table] So, in other words, they're running around loose! We need to do something about them! Hamstur: My rodent minions are keeping an eye out. Not much else I can do. Tiamat: I just thought of something. Anthraxus: Yes? Tiamat: This plane is pitch black. How do we find the exit portal to get out? Anthraxus: You can't see what I'm holding, but it's a magic wand that makes the exit portal light up like this. [nothing happens] Like this. [nothing happens] Tiamat: Darkoth used a black light, I bet. Anthraxus: ... Orcus: [mutters] I should have gone into dentistry like Mom told me. [Fade to Bla...uh...wipe to next scene] ********* [STILL: We see a broad river wending its way through primeval forest which goes right up to its banks on the south side. A cobblestone road wide enough for two carts to pass each other runs along the northern bank, and there is a twenty foot wide bank of grass to the north of that before the forest resumes. A small sailing vessel is cruising upstream with a very strong wind that only seems to affect the sails, not the deck, and our heroes and heroines are camped out on the deck, watching the world go by. ACTION: Andrew is on the back of the boat, trying to teach Drak how to waterski while Angelina watches] Drak: [clinging to the guide rope desperately, and trying to not look down at the two carved planks doubling as waterskis] Are you SURE this is a good idea? Angelina: It looks like great fun! I wanna go next. Bilko: [pops up] I think you should have taken your armor off first, Drak. Drak: I always get attacked by river monsters when I do this sort of thing. Andrew: [gestures] Lean over more. [pauses] River monsters? Drak: Yeah, they breed up in the mountains and come down all the major rivers. They usually don't get to civilization, though; there's lots of orcs and goblins and whatnot to keep them busy upstream. Andrew: [twitches] Which is where we're going. Drak: Right. Andrew: Should I make out my will now? Angelina: Don't worry, River Monsters prefer to eat men. Andrew: This is supposed to make me not worry? Angelina: Well, your lover will be okay. Andrew: ... [View sweeps across the ship to the deck where Karin and Terri are sunbathing, half-asleep, Gimli is sharpening his weapons, and Hayao is reading a book] Gimli: Any of you ever fought a dragon before? Karin: [eyes still shut] It depends on your definition of fight. Gimli: [curiously] How do you define fight? Karin: We've killed dozens of dragons...in simulation games. Gimli: Simulation games? Karin: Terri, you take over. Terri: Oh boy...let's see how to explain this... [view swings back to the back of the ship, where the waterskiing continues] Drak: My arms are getting tired. Andrew: Okay, I'll just...oops. Bilko: You want me to dive in and save you? Drak: Uh...not yet. [thinking] That would be reasonably humiliating. Sevian: If I end up eaten by that whale again... Drak: In a river? Andrew: I just realized this thing doesn't have a motor I can stop. Lemme go see if Karin can slow us down. Drak: What if she can't? Andrew: You can swim, right? Drak: ... Andrew: And we've got a lifeguard. [laughs, then goes to edge of the rear elevated deck they are up on] Hey, Karin, any way to slow this thing down so we can pick up Drak? Karin: I'll see about breaking the spell. [groans and sits up] I wish I had a bathing suit. Andrew: Maybe your spellbook has something. Karin: I'd be afraid of wearing a magic bathing suit. Bilko: You could just cut off most of the cloth from that. Karin: But then I wouldn't be able to wear it as a dress. I'd have to wear the bathing suit all the time. Bilko: And? [She whacks him on the head once she goes up the stairs to the rear observation deck. Down below, Terri and Gimli continue talking] Gimli: In other words, none of you have ever actually seen a Dragon in the flesh. Terri: [nervously] Yes. Although Sevian claims he's slain three dozen and Bilko has robbed hundreds of them. So, we should be okay. Gimli: You have an interesting definition of 'okay'. [sighs] Well, at least I can sell my life honorably in pursuit of a breacher of contracts. Terri: Hmm. Is there any way to bring him to court? Gimli: Only if we could find a dragon judge; he already ate three people I sent to summon him to the Duke's court in Celembar. Hayao: Like the one described in the Shire supplement that Terri wouldn't buy, but which was mentioned in the review of it in Wombat Magazine? Terri: Stop reading those spoiler-laden reviews! You and Andrew always end up knowing too much! Hayao: You've got the supplement with Morgath in it, right? Tell us everything you know about him from it. Terri: He's in the 'Older than Dirt' age bracket, he has an Armor Class of -8, he has 255 hit points, and his attack sequence is vorpal claw/vorpal claw/bite/tail/wing sweep/wing buffet/jimmy buffet/curb stomp. Gimli: Curb Stomp? Terri: I have no idea. It's his succession technique, but they don't describe it very well in the book. Hayao: Jimmy Buffet? He hits people with a pop singer? Terri: If you fail your save vs. spells, you are teleported to Margaritaville. Hayao: [boggles] Please tell me you're joking. Terri: I wish. The errata in Wombat Magazine #138 removed that attack, though. But that doesn't mean anyone notified the real one of that. Anyway, he can see invisible within 150 feet of himself, he can track by smell, he has vorpal claws, wears a necklace of protection from enchanted missiles, and he has five thousand ships-in-a-bottle. He's got a buttload of treasure, but that won't help us fight him. He keeps Champion buried under the part of his horde where he sleeps. Our best bet is to break in while he's gone, since he does have to hunt once a week. However, about two hundred dragon men guard his lair. Gimli: Does he have any weaknesses? Terri: He has a tendency to eat people who bring him bad news, sometimes before they finish with the news. He's a sucker for a good looking red dragon. He can only cast the first five levels of spells. He is vulnerable to cold magic, like any red dragon. And he becomes sluggish during winter. Gimli: Too bad it's High Summer in five days. Hayao: [yells] Hey, Karin, do you have any cold magic? Karin: [yells back] I can 'Conjure Snow Cones and Ice Cream'. I have the 'Cone of Cool' spell, but I'm not sure if it chills things or makes them neato. If I had a polar bear, I could 'Summon Icy-Cold Coca-Cola'. I can 'Transmute Slime to Lime Frostie'. Oh, and I can cast the spell 'Summon Hail Storm'. Terri: Cool. [Hayao thwacks her] Better memorize that one a lot. Hayao: Aren't 'Older Than Dirt' age level dragons supposed to have some kind of secret, obsessive fear? Due to creeping senility? Terri: He's from a first edition supplement, before they instituted that rule. Gimli: Ancalgon the Squeaky Clean was a Black Dragon noted for fear of dirt. Which must have made living in a swamp pretty hellish. Hayao: I'd imagine. Hmm....idea. [takes out the Bhellom] What is Morgath's greatest fear? [The words 'Do I look like Morgath's therapist?' floats to the top. He sighs] Had to try. Terri: Ahah! I should have thought of this before! [takes Wayfinder and holds it up] Point the way to whatever can cause Morgath to experience his greatest fear! [It tugs and points towards the upper deck, where everyone is hauling Drak back onto the boat] Oh, I bet it's Sevian! Hayao: If he fears being bored to death by a lecture about the good old days, anyway. [Terri, Gimli, and Hayao follow Wayfinder to the upper deck, and it then points towards Karin] Karin: Hey, don't point that at me! Hayao: The dragon is afraid of Karin? Terri: [circles around Karin; Wayfinder continues to point towards her] Maybe he fears sorceresses. Karin: What? Gimli: We asked it where we could find what would scare Morgath the most. Bilko: The color red, maybe? Terri: Somehow I doubt that. Angelina: Her bad fashion taste? Karin: Hey! Wanna be a newt? Hayao: Probably he fears sorceresses. It can't be just women, or it would have pointed at you, Terri. Karin: You really think he's going to be scared of me? Terri: Wayfinder is never wrong, though you can misinterpret it. Karin: [smiles] Hah! I'll show that dragon who's boss! Terri: I certainly hope so. [Fade to next scene] ********* [STILL: From high above it, we see a huge ruined city nestled between two rivers and engulfed by thick pine forest. Sindabar is shaped like a piece of pie, with a vine-covered wall along the curved part. Many of the buildings have crumbled, their crystal towers toppled, and the streets are now pathways of grass. A single bridge over one of the rivers still stands, while three more are now only broken arches. Yet, in the heart of the city, three triangular buildings still rise above the trees and stand relatively intact. ACTION: Our view zooms down to the docks at the tip of the pie, where our heroes and heroines are busily tying up their boat at the docks] Bilko: [checking through a bag of thieves' tools] So what's the plan? Terri: First we find out if the Dragon is out hunting. Hayao: [takes out the Bhellom and shakes it] Is Morgath out hunting? [The word 'Yes' float to the top] Any idea when he'll be back? [shakes it again and the words 'Do I look like Morgath's personal calendar?' float up] Right. Bilko, you get to sneak in and steal the sword, then. Bilko: What does it look like? Terri: White hilt with a dragon head crossed by a slash and surrounded by a circle at the point where hilt and guard meet. The blade is blue-grey steel with the word 'Champion' in the runes of the Old Ones on it. Angelina: Do you know everything, Terri? Terri: Only if it's in a supplement I've purchased. Andrew: She has 200 of them. Hayao: But of course she didn't buy the hobbit one. Terri: Lay off about that! Andrew kept saying he was going to buy it, anyway! Andrew: I didn't buy it because you always yell at me if I buy anything for gamemasters! [Soon, all three of them are shouting incoherently at each other] Karin: [turns to Angelina] See what you've done? Angelina: I don't even understand why they're arguing. Sevian: They're idiots. Drak: You say that about everyone. Sevian: Most people are idiots. Karin: [sighs and shake her head] Right about now, someone's going to make a crack about Princess Andromeda, and Andrew's going to lose it completely. Angelina: You keep mentioning that...who was Princess Andromeda? Karin: You see, the four of us basically grew up together from about age three. When we were...I guess maybe six, one day, Andrew and I were over at Terri's house, and her aunt helped us dress up. Well, she didn't know Andrew very well, and somehow didn't realize he was a guy. Or maybe she did it deliberately. I don't know. We all ended up in dresses that were too big for us, and the Aunt called me Princess Starshine, Terri was Princess Stargleam, and Andrew was Princess Andromeda. Angelina: [laughs] I remember doing stuff like that when I was a kid. Karin: And she took photographs. One day, many years later, Andrew and I went to a costume party, and I convinced him to dress up as Andromeda again, just as a gag, while I was dressed up as a guy, complete with a fake beard. But someone took photos of him, and Hayao and Terri got them, and teased him mercilessly, and now he just blows up at the very idea. Gimli: I wonder if he could sing the dragon to sleep with that magic wand of his. Karin: Hey, that's a great idea. [Hayao, Terri, and Andrew are now wrestling like idiots on the docks, rolling towards the edge] Bilko: Does this happen often? Karin: Hopefully not. Bilko, go rob the dragon while I deal with these idiots. [hands him a small crystal] Break this if you get in too much trouble. It'll send me a signal you need help. Bilko: Are you sure I shouldn't wait for them to finish? Karin: We may die of old age first. And if you've robbed three hundred dragons, this should be easy. Bilko: [nods] Righto. Off I go. [Wipe to next scene] ********** [STILL: We see Bilko standing in an alleyway across a huge plaza from one of the huge triangular buildings. The plaza is full of trees which have thrust their way up between the blocks of stone, tossing them aside.] Bilko: [peering with a spyglass at the front entrance. Ten humanoids with long tails, alligator heads, and red scaly skin, are lounging about the front door. Four of them are playing a dice game, two are trying to pick their noses with their tails, and four more are actually keeping watch] Hmm. Only one choice. Plan 12. [strolls openly across the plaza] Hi there! Can I join your game? Dragon-man #3: You're here to rob the boss! Bilko: Am not. Dragon-man #3: Are too! Bilko: If I was here to rob your boss, would I walk up to the front door and ask to join your dice game? Dragon-man #2: He make good point. Dragon-man #3: Boss not be happy at you people playing dice when we supposed to keep watch! Bilko: Well, let me play and I won't tell him. Dragon-man #2: Yeah! Me know you like to play too, Birg. You just in pissy mood because Bragtha tell you your breath don't stink. Birg: Me know my breath stink the best! Bilko: [kneels by the game] Five Drunken Dwarves, right? Dragon-man #2: Yeah. You know rules? Bilko: Like they were written on my hand. [puts down five gold coins] May I? Dragon-man #8: [hands him the dice] Roll the bones. Bilko: [rolls a five, a three, a six, a two, and a one] Rats. That's a lousy hand. Okay, gonna reroll the six and hope for a straight.... [tosses the dice and gets another six] Dammit! Junk--six high. Dragon-man #7: Ho, ho, me win with three fives! [sweeps up all the gold] Everyone place stake for next hand! [Bilko smiles and the game continues. Fade to next scene] *********** [STILL: We see a rectangular building poking up above the trees. The roof is crumbling in places, but our band of heroes/heroines is up on top of it, by one of the railings, watching the huge triangular building that Bilko went up to earlier. There is a huge gash part way up one side, big enough for a dragon to fly through. They are watching the gash] Terri: Ahah! Gimli: Eh? Terri: [lifts Wayfinder] We can use this for an early warning system. Wayfinder, point towards Morgath. [It twitches, then pulls her around to point off northwards] This way, we'll know he's coming. Karin: Good idea. [frowns] I dunno if we'll be able to get to Bilko in time from all the way up here if he gets in trouble. Angelina: We can just fire a rope over to the building and tightrope walk it. That wouldn't take more than a few minutes. Karin: Not everyone can walk a tightrope. Andrew: Quite. Angelina: You can't? I thought everyone learned that. [Everyone facefaults. Fade to next scene] ********* [We see Bilko still playing Five Drunken Dwarves] Bilko: [rolls the dice and gets two ones, a three, a four, and a two] Hmmm. Dragon-man #8: You unluckiest halfling I know. Birg: You don't know any halflings. Dragon-man #8: Yep. Bilko: Gonna bet two more gold and reroll one die. Dragon-man #8: You crazy! Me got three fours. How you beat that with just reroll one die? Bilko: Everyone gonna match me? Dragon-man #8: Me match. [So do the others] Bilko: [picks up the one] Here we go. Birg: You total crazy man! Only way you can win is to get a five! Bilko: [rolls a four] Dammit! Now I'm broke. Dragon-man #8: [sweeps up all the money] Maybe you do better after next payday. Bilko: Well, I'm wiped out. I'm gonna go take a nap. [gets up and wanders in the front door] Birg: Have a good nap! Come play next time you wanna lose all your money! Bilko: [thinking] Now which way to the Dragon's hoard... *********** [STILL: We see a vast triangular room with a four hundred foot ceiling that contains a vast gash in it that opens to the outside world. There are several doors in every wall, each of which is painted with a huge mural. One mural shows a great technological city ruled over by a strange race that combines aspects of humans, orcs, elves, dwarves, gnomes, halflings, lizardmen and a few other races to boot. The second shows a peaceful forest at night inhabited by wild animals. The third shows the city of Sindabar from the air at the height of its glory. The floor of the room is carpeted several feet deep with coins, tapestries, rods, staves, wands, cloaks, potions, bracers, jewels, suits of armor, jewelry, pole arms, glaive-guisarme-glaive-spam-glaives, ships-in-a- bottle, the bottle city of Kandor, and a complete set of Dragon Orbs (batteries not included). There is a huge table in one corner of the room, where a variety of model equipment (glues, paints, putty knives, etc.), along with several dozen half-finished model kits stand. Careful observation reveals that the second corner of the room has a dragon-shaped imprint in the piled up stuff, though no dragon. Balconies ring the room on the second, third, fourth, eighth, tenth, and fifteenth stories. Bilko is currently on the eighth story balcony] Bilko: What I want to know is how a several hundred foot dragon builds those modeling kits. And if he's got one of Galadriel I can nick. [thinks a moment] Time to climb down. [ties a rope to the balcony, then clambers down it to the ground level. Once he gets a little way out into the treasure, he pauses, takes out his purse, and fills it with gold and platinum coins] Got to make good my gambling losses. [reaches the edge of the dragon-shaped indentation] Well, this is going to take a while. I should have taken Wayfinder with me. [Bilko finds a golden shovel and starts digging with it. Soon, he is beginning to sweat copiously, but not making much progress. The shadows move across the room as time drags on, until...] Bilko: [pulls out a tome bound in blue leather, and begins to page through it] Alright! A Tome of Naked Elven Women! [pages through it some more] No wonder these things sell for a hundred thousand gold...it's worth it! [drools and loses himself in the book] [Wipe to next scene] ********** [Back to the Company of Four] Andrew: [looking at the sun, which is setting] He's been in there ALL day! Karin: Well, he hasn't crushed the Panic Crystal yet. Andrew: Maybe he lost it. Terri: Well, the Dragon hasn't come back yet. [Wayfinder suddenly begins to jerk; the dragon is now drawing closer from an angle] Ack. Gimli: He probably decided to lie down for a nap. Andrew: Or he 'accidentally' got his head stuck inside the dragon's swimsuit collection. Hayao: I suggest we adjourn to the street level, so we can act faster if we need to. Angelina: I suggest Drak darling and I cross over on a tightrope, go inside, and find him. Drak: .... Sevian: Don't worry, Drak, you only fall off tightropes half the time. You fell the last three times, so the odds say you aren't too likely to become a pancake. Terri: [frowns] You think you can get across before the dragon returns? Angelina: Piece of cake. Gimli: You've done this before? Angelina: I was trying to outrun my parents the last time, but... Karin: [laughs] I know the feeling. Drak: How are we going to put a rope all the way across, though? [Karin turns to Gimli] Karin: Can you hold my spellbook? Gimli: Eh, sure. [He holds it open and she reads off a spell from it, then points at the building. A grappling hook shoots out of her sleeve with a rope tied to it that rapidly uncoils. The hook sinks into the stone on the far side of the street, and she ties the near end of the rope to a handy gargoyle] Karin: Woo! It worked! [rubs her arm] But now I have rope burn. [curses] Man, this hurts! Angelina: [tests the tautness] Perfect. Let's go, dear, before the Dragon arrives. Drak: [acks] Okay. Sevian: Just don't look down. [They take off along the tightrope, and the others head for the stairs. Despite Drak wobbling and panicking frequently, they both make it across without any problems. Looking down into the treasure chamber, they can see Bilko sprawled out on the pile of treasure, continuing to read the Tome] Drak: Hey, BILKO! Bilko: [jumps up, drops the book] I didn't do it, I swear! [looks around, but sees no one] Angelina: You found Champion yet? Bilko: [blinks] Oh yeah, that is why I came. Drak: [angrily] What have you been doing? Bilko: [holds up the Tome] Looking at this. Drak: ... Angelina: [lithely drops down to the treasure] You can drool later! We have to find the sword or we're DEAD! Bilko: [puts the Tome in his backpack] Let's get to it, then. [Wipe to next scene] ************* [Down on the street below, our heroes and heroines are hiding in an alley, watching the great gash. Terri is holding Wayfinder, which is swinging ever closer to the gap] Terri: C'mon guys, hurry up.... Andrew: I just thought of something. Hayao: That's a first. Andrew: [spins to face Hayao] Shut up! [turns back to Terri] How are they gonna get out of there? Karin: Tightrope walk back out. Andrew: What if the Dragon gets to the entrance and cuts them off? Gimli: We carve our way in past the guards and get them out that way. Andrew: I was afraid of that. Hayao: [points] I can see him. [Morgath is a magnificent sight, with a hundred foot wingspan, a good hundred and fifty foot long, covered with red scales that shine brightly in the light of the setting sun. His great maw is large enough to swallow a cow whole. For the first two minutes of gazing upon him, all any of them can do is stare in shock] Terri: [mumbles] Damn Dragonawe. [During these two minutes, Morgath flies down to the gash in his home, which they can now see is too small for him to fit through. There is a flash of light, and he turns into a falcon and zips in. Once he vanishes into the building, the Dragonawe fades and they are able to move] Andrew: Mommy. Terri: Well, we're officially screwed. Time to save our friends. Andrew: How do you propose we not stand around knocking our knees together the second we see him again? Gimli: Well, if Wayfinder was right, he'll be scared of Karin. Karin: [shifts nervously] Urgle. So we'll both stare at each other in terror. Terri: C'mon. We've got to get inside now before the explosions start. Karin, take down the guards. Karin: [steps forward, and with Andrew's help, casts one of her few attack spells, which creates a ball of fire. The front door is now twice as large, and the dragon-men guards are thrown about like nine pins by the blast] Here we go! Andrew: o/~ Who wants to live forever o/~ Hayao: Can you please pick a different song? [Cut to next scene] *********** [STILL: From the top of the great treasure chamber, we see Drak, Angelina, and Bilko knee deep in treasure, caught in the act of shoveling it aside with Sevian, a shovel, and an axe respectively. ACTION: A falcon begins to spiral downward] Angelina: [sees it and points upwards] Look, a falcon! They're omens of victory, right? Drak: Yes. And the Church of Light claims its founder sometimes comes and watches over heroes in the form of a falcon. Bilko: The Wild Elves raise them for hunting, I've heard. [pulls up a jeweled belt, which he examines] There's runes on this, but I can't read them. Angelina: Toss them to me. [catches it when he throws it to her] 'Ozma's Magic Belt'. I wonder who Ozma was. Sevian: [deep in the treasure] Mrufle snitx sfiec, divlel. Drak: [pulls him out] What? Sevian: A legendary faerie queen. The belt was supposed to have many wondrous powers. Drak: And what was the flaw? Sevian: I don't know. Among other things, you could teleport with it, and turn things into knickknacks. Angelina: [puts it on] Magic Belt, tell me where Champion is! [Nothing happens] Sevian: Answering questions was not one of those wondrous powers. Drak: Thank goodness. The last thing we need is two big mouthed magic items. [The falcon lands on an ornate Corinthian pillar, now broken in half, which pokes up out of the treasure horde, and watches them] Sevian: [suddenly shakes in Drak's hands] I just felt something. Bad. Drak: Your arthritis acting up? Sevian: No, you moron! Ahriman! Bilko: Taking up speaking in tongues? [There is an explosion in the distance] Angelina: The dragon must be coming! Bilko: By blasting its way through its own guards? Sevian: EXCUSE ME, BUT AN EVIL GOD IS COMING! Drak: What? Sevian: [twists Drak around to point the opposite direction from the explosions] That way. Bilko: You people didn't say nothing about any EVIL GODS when we went on this mission! Angelina: Which one? Sevian: Ahriman. Drak: Who? Angelina: Is he a Southlander deity? Sevian: Yes. We were both worshipped in the Southlands millennia ago, but our cults were both wiped out by an incursion of the plains barbarians, and we both ended up trapped in the sacred weapons we'd given the heads of our cults. That's why I'm stuck in this damn sword. Drak: So he's another talking sword? Sevian: Spiked mace. [From one of the portals, approximately fifty dragon men, lead by a human clad in red platemail with a helmet shaped to resemble a dragon's head. He carries a huge pitch black spiked mace in one hand] Mace: I told you we'd get here faster the other way, but noooo, you wouldn't listen! Human: SHUT UP, AHRIMAN! Mace: Hah! I'll take away your clerical powers if you don't give me some respect, Alric! Alric: I serve the Dragon Gods, not you! Don't make me put you back in that portable hole full of ale I found you in! Sevian: You always were a wastrel, Ahriman! Angelina: Um, Sevian...we're outnumbered fifty to three. Sevian: But they've got Ahriman, who has accidentally killed eight of his past wielders. Ahriman: Those were no accidents. So, you've taken to hanging out with petty thieves, Sevian? [Alric sweatdrops] Angelina: We are not thieves! Bilko: Yeah, we're just browsing. [The sound of fighting gets closer. Strains of o/~Lightning striking again o/~ drifts briefly above the fray, interspersed with flashes of light and crackling thunder] Sevian: Hah! We've come to take Champion and hack your stupid dragon boss to tiny bits! I laugh to see you stuck working for a moron who thinks dragons are gods! Alric: Dragons ARE gods! Children of the Dragon, destroy the intruders! [The Dragonmen charge forward] Drak: This would be a good time for you to use one of those godlike powers you're always bragging about, Sevian! Sevian: Pardon me, but I'm busy keeping Ahriman from turning your brain more into mush than it already is! Angelina, I think Champion is under that suit of armor by your foot. Ready to die heroically, Drak? Drak: Hell no! Sevian: Too bad. [At this moment, Terri, Hayao, and Gimli come charging through another door, with Karin and Andrew bringing up the rear] Terri: Karin, stop the dragonmen heading for Angelina and Bilko. Andrew, help them find Champion! Hayao, Gimli, come with me, we're going to save Drak. Karin: [thinks desperately as everyone starts running about] Where is the dragon? And what can I use without...ahah! [whips out a dirty sock and does a quick chant] Chew on this! [hurls the sock into their midst. A great yellow and black miasma erupts from the sock, causing the dragonmen heading for Angelina and Bilko to collapse, coughing and gagging] Hah! Come out wherever you are, Dragon! I'll kick your ass! [Terri, Hayao, and Gimli plow into the rest of the dragonmen, along with Drak. While Drak quickly cuts his way through them, the others find themselves pushed back quickly, as they are badly outnumbered. Drak finds himself face to face with Alric] Drak: How about if we just throw our weapons on the ground and let them fight it out with each other? Sevian: DRAK!!!! Alric: I'm tempted. Ahriman: You bastard! Kill Sevian and his mortal pawn! Alric: But since Morgath told me to keep this moron, it would be in defiance of the will of the Dragon Gods. Sevian and Ahriman: [in unison] Dragons are not GODS!!! Karin: [looking around and sees the falcon] Ahah! There's the dragon! Bilko: [looking up] But it's not... [The falcon suddenly transforms into the dragon, falling down on top of Angelina, Andrew and Bilko, who vanish under its bulk] Morgath: It seems I must take a direct hand. Pity, I was hoping to take a nice nap after my hunting, and my belly's already full. So, sorceress, prepare to.... [With a violet flash of light, Morgath turns into a dragon shaped salt shaker, only about three inches long. Andrew and Bilko lie stunned, while Angelina stands up. wobbling] Angelina: I think I'm going to keep this belt. Karin: ... [Across the room, Alric and Drak begin to do battle] Drak: So you got your personal annoyance from Morgath? Alric: [nods, parrying an overhand blow, then bringing the mace around to try to smack Drak's legs] How about you? Drak: [leaps high and avoids the blow, flipping back and drawing Alric further into the room] Pulled him out of an anvil. That was a mistake. Sevian: You'd be dead right now without me! Ahriman is trying to peel your brain like a grape! Luckily, I'm protecting your mind. Not that he'd find much to peel, but... [The knicknack smokes and begins to expand] Karin: I think it didn't take! Angelina: [quickly pulls away the suit of armor that Sevian mentioned, finding a sword hilt jutting out] Ahah! [pulls out the sword, which flashes in the sunlight filtering down from the jagged hole in the ceiling. A single high note sounds through the room] Wow! Karin: Get back, Angelina! I'm gonna Hail Storm him before he gets much bigger! [the dragon is up to the size of a large bull, and quickly growing] Angelina: Right! [grabs Andrew and Bilko as best she can while holding the sword] Magic Belt, take us over behind Karin! [With a flash, they teleport across the room] Karin: Take this, Morgath! [she spins around in a circle, then throws a handful of tiny crystals into the air. They spin as she chants, forming a dark nasty cloud in the top of the dome, then massive hailstones rain down. On everyone except her] Ack! I forgot about the area of effect! Morgath: [rolling about as he gets bigger] Ow, ow, ow, ow, my ear! Ow! ow! Dammit! I HATE THIS SPELL!!!! [Many of the dragonmen are pelted unconscious. Andrew and Bilko get finished off, and Hayao and Terri collapse to their knees, trying to fend off the hail. Gimli, on the other hand, keeps going with golf ball sized hail bouncing off his helmet, and starts carving a swathe through panicked dragonmen. Angelina is reeling. The hail that comes near Alric and Drak simply melts away, however, and their duel continues] Drak: [parries three heavy blows from Alric, then takes it in the side. He starts to bleed, and goes flying] AAAAAAA!!!!!! Sevian: This wouldn't happen if you wore armor. Drak: It would be kind of hard to be acrobatic in armor! Sevian: Then be acrobatic instead of trying to fight like you know what you're doing! Ahriman: As if anyone who used you would know what they're doing! Drak: [turns and runs as best he can] Come and get me, worshipper of a soon to die god! Alric: [charges out after him into the great pile of treasure, then starts to sink deeper and deeper with every step] Ack. Drak: [stands back and watches him sink into the coins] Another reason to not wear armor. [clutches his side] You know, we really should have brought a cleric on this trip. Sevian: Who needs a cleric when you've got a god? Drak: You can't heal anyone. Sevian: Picky, picky. [The hail storm dies down] Morgath: Now, you will die by fire! [opens his mouth, which begins to glow] Karin: [chants some strange words, and waves her arms about. Five gallons of ice cream and twelve sno-cones appear in Morgath's mouth, melt, and pour down his throat. The glow stops] Hah! Taste the power of ice cream! Terri: I think that's supposed to be 'the power of cheese'. Karin: You want him spitting molten cheese at us? Morgath: Ack! I hate vanilla! [coughs and hacks, still growing larger] Angelina: [nervously clutching Champion] Maybe I should attack him with this. Karin: Didn't save the last person who had it. Terri: [whacking half-unconscious dragonmen all the way out] He's a monster, so he has to save versus death every time you hit him with it. But his saving throw is pretty good. And once you take Champion into battle against a monster, you have to fight it to the death. Morgath: You...you put out my pilot light! DAMMIT! Terri: ... Karin: Hah! I am the avatar of Sandy, the goddess of magic! And I've come to punish you for hoarding magic items! Alric: [now sunk down to his mid-torso] Help me, great dragon master! Morgath: Well, I still have my vorpal claws and my ring of prismatic spray, and I suppose I would have melted some of my treasure...you claim you're an avatar of Sandy? Terri: We are the Company of Four, chosen by the gods to save Karinth from destruction! Morgath: There's eight of you. Hayao: [groggily] Gods don't need to count. Karin: Did you say, 'Ring of Prismatic Spray'? Morgath: [now up to one half his normal size] Yes. Karin: Angelina! Belt! NOW!!!!! Angelina: Eh? Oh, right. MAGIC BELT, GET ME AND MY FRIENDS OUT OF HERE! [The Company of Four vanishes in a flash of light] Alric: Help! Morgath: [mumbles a few words and waves a paw. Alric flies up out of the coinage, back to the doorway] Some mighty priest you are! Alric: One of them was carrying Sevian the Sword God, and I couldn't effect him with my spells! And Ahriman was too much of a putz to manage anything. Ahriman: You didn't see me get defeated because I sank into the pile of treasure! Morgath: And why didn't you cast your spells on the others? Alric: Uhh... Morgath: [sighs] Call your fellows in the Cult of the Dragon and arrange for them to send me more Children of the Dragon. And then we get to track down and destroy these annoying thieves. Alric: [salutes] Yes, sir! Morgath: Especially the one who turned me into a salt shaker. Alric: Yes, sir! [pauses] So why don't you ever use that belt? Morgath: Like any artifact, it has nasty side effects. Also, if you're not careful about your commands, you tend to get things you didn't ask for as well. Now, go kill everyone who failed to stop them getting in here. Alric: [salutes] Yes, sir! [Fade to next scene] *********** [STILL: A shot of Karinth from space. Like Earth, it is mostly water, but with several large continents. One of them looks vaguely like North America, perhaps as drawn by someone trying to copy it from memory in a darkened room with crayons. ACTION: The camera view plunges towards the planet, breaching the clouds and closing in on a strip of ocean hundreds of miles from shore. We can see the Company of Four desperately trying to tread water, which doesn't work so well for those of them in chainmail] Angelina: MAGIC BELT, TAKE US SOMEWHERE DRY! [There is a flash of light, and the group finds itself sprawled across a dinner table at a huge orcish feast] Angelina: MAGIC BELT, TAKE US BACK TO NIMOST! Magic Belt: *Bing!* You have used up your Mass Teleports for the day. Thank you for using Ozma's Magic Belt. Terri: [looks up, having landed face down in the Orc King's pudding] Truce? Orc King: [in Orcish] Kill them all and don't BOTHER to sort them out! [Fade to black. End of Episode]