[STILL: You will never find a more annoying hive of scum and villainy than the Mos Eisley Cantina franchise on the five hundred and fifty fifth plane of the Abyss, the layer of the Abyss controlled by R'nco, the Demon Lord of Useless Widgets, and his wife, Kree-Gah the Large Mouthed, Demon Lady of Telemarketers. Even telemarketers deserve better than to fall into their hands, and the wailing of former phone harassment squad members forms a constant counterpoint to the Cantina band, which plays the song 'Rawhide' over and over for all of eternity. The interior of the cantina is smokey and poorly lit, and the band drowns out most conversations, which makes it ideal for covert meetings. This is why the Alliance of Four Demon Lords is meeting here. That and the fact that they can actually SEE here. ACTION: A gnome waiter comes up to them] Gnome: Would you like some more chilled monkey blood? Tiamat: [grabs him with her white dragon head] Ahah! You won't drop the ceiling on us THIS time! Gnome: AAAAAAAA!!!!!! Anthraxus: Put him down, Tiamat. Evil gnome souls often end up serving R'nco, since they love useless widgets as much as he does. He's not going to drop the ceiling on us. Tiamat: [spits him out] Feh. You can't trust a gnome. Gnome: Thank you, Lord Anthraxus! Anthraxus: [pats him on the head] Don't worry. I'm not paranoid like Tiamat. I'd like some chilled monkey blood. Gnome: Yes, Lord Anthraxus! Anthraxus: And if the ceiling does collapse, you'll die from the plague I just infested you with. Gnome: I'm already dead, Lord Anthraxus. [turns to the others] Would anyone else like something? Hamstur: [to the gnome] I'd like some ichor pellets. [turns to the others] I'd like to know why we're having another meeting. Anthraxus: Two reasons. First of all, I vote we change our alliance name to 'Anthraxus and Allies', since two of us aren't Demon Lords. Tiamat: And I think I should get five votes since I have five heads. Orcus: Anthraxus, you've got to stop living in denial. You are a Demon Lord. And we already agreed we each only get one vote, or Hamstur will start gluing mannequin heads to himself again. Hamstur: Those were real! Orcus: Really mannequins. [to the gnome] Bring me some lightly chilled Green Slaad Jello. Gnome: Yes, sir. [looks at Tiamat, who snorts fire through her red head's nose, then turns away] I'll go fill your order. Anthraxus: [irritated] I'm a Daemon. Orcus: [bangs on the table] Daemons are demons, you idiot! Just because some mortal couldn't spell, all you people keep putting on airs! Anthraxus: We're a completely different culture! We're neutral evil! Orcus: So you've all been castrated. Big deal. Hamstur: [to Tiamat] You become neutral evil if you're castrated? Tiamat: [to Hamstur] I think Orcus needs a hearing aid. Anthraxus: [stands up and points] You're the one who has to carry a giant phallic symbol to reassure himself! Orcus: [whips out the wand of Orcus, which is a large obsidian rod with a human skull on the end] Bring it on! At least I'm not named after a cheesy heavy metal band! Another Gnome: [approaches Tiamat] Would you like to buy a pocket fisherman? Tiamat: Got anything for testosterone induced stupidity? Another Gnome: [whips out a set of knives] Authentic Knives of Rendering Eunuch +6. I'll sell them to you for 20,000 gold each. Tiamat: [looks them up and down] If I had any hands, I'd buy them. Hamstur: [gets between Orcus and Anthraxus] Calm down! Let's settle this like demons! [thinking] Hmm...maybe that wasn't the best way to put it. Anthraxus: Right. COME MY ENDLESS LEGIONS! [hordes of hydrodaemons, mezzodaemons, wombatdaemons, arcanadaemons, and unixdaemons erupt through the windows and begin attacking everything in sight] Orcus: KISS MY GRITS! [hordes of undead erupt out of the ground, engaging the daemons and everything else] That which is already dead cannot die! Tiamat: [turns to Hamstur] Let's catch a movie while they go at it. Hamstur: [sighs] Right. Let's go. [An Arcanadaemon blasts out the roof supports] Arcanadaemon: Demons suck! Daemons rule! Hamstur: [from under the rubble] I hate my life. [Fade to Opening Credits] ***************************** The Eternal Game OAV #4: Please Don't Squeeze the Shaman by John Biles Inspired by way too many fantasy novels, El Hazard, Guardians of the Flame, Rumiko Takahashi, Terry Pratchett, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, my AD&D campaign world, Greek Mythology, and other sources way too numerous to mention (like Warhammer Fantasy RPG and Jack Vance, and...oh wait, I said too numerous to mention...) Any resemblance to persons real or imaginary is all the fault of those meddling gnomes. Demons suck! Gnomes rule! A Raging Wombat Studios Production. Karinth and all persons therein not created by someone else and shamelessly stolen by me, copyright John Biles (1985, 1997,1999), if anyone cares. Patrick Stewart was not harmed in the filming of this picture, and trained handlers were used. [Cue unwritten, but probably cool theme song and opening sequence] ************************** [STILL: Dark clouds hide the stars and the moon as rain pours down. There is little light to be seen except for what is given off by periodic flashes of lightning. A huge tent clings desperately to a small flat area on the lee side of a ridge from the wind. The terrain is lightly forested ridges that gradually rise into a huge mountain range to the east. A little to the south, a river cuts through the ridges, flowing southwest from the mountains. VIEWPOINT CHANGE: The camera zooms in on the tent, which can now be seen to be glowing faintly through the canvas; something inside it is giving off light. Drak stands outside with Sevian, cold and miserable, keeping watch. The view passes right through the canvas to the interior. STILL: The Company of Four (plus five) can be seen inside, scattered around a large glowing rock. Gimli, still wearing his helm, is curled up inside a blanket, with a rock for a pillow, asleep. Bilko is asleep as well, using his backpack for a pillow. Angelina is sprawled out, only half covered by her blanket, using her balled up skirt as a pillow. She seems to be topless, but is sleeping face down, so no one gets a nosebleed. Andrew is clonked out and topless as well, using Karin's spellbook as a pillow; he has no blanket, and is wearing what used to be jeans, but now only barely passes as shorts, though he still has shoes. Karin seems to basically be wearing a blanket, and is in the process of sewing together several pieces of leather rather clumsily. Terri is wearing a battered, but still viable Company of Four surcoat, and some heavily torn trousers with ring shaped marks all over them. She is also sewing leather, but much more nimbly. Hayao is currently trying to clean a suit of chainmail, and has joined the legion of topless people; he is wearing pants much like Terri's.] Hayao: Well, at least Gimli and I will still have armor. Karin: Andrew needs it more than you. Hayao: He shouldn't have abandoned his suit in the river. Terri: [irritatedly] He was TRYING to not drown. Hayao: I know. I know. This entire week has been one prolonged disaster. If Angelina tries to use the magic belt one more time, I may finally snap. [puts down the bit of cloth he was using] There, got all the muck off. Anything I can do to help with that? Karin: Did you learn leatherworking in Boy Scouts? Hayao: I can do just about everything else with a deer except make clothing out of its hide. Which is why I was tonight's cook. [sighs] I feel a little envious of Gimli; he still has all of his clothing. Karin: [laughs] He just sank to the bottom of the river, held his breath, and walked out. [looks down at what she's making] I could do a lot better job with cloth than hide. Terri: Well, if a cotton field wanders by for us to plunder, we can try making cloth. [sighs] I'm gonna turn this surcoat into a dress for you, Karin, once I finish making something I can cover my chest with. Karin: Thanks. This blanket just isn't quite my style. [They all laugh] Hayao: [to Karin] How's the jacket coming along? Karin: Well, don't expect it to fit great. Terri: [finishes what she's working on] Ahh, here we go. Hayao, turn around. Karin: [laughs] He's worked so hard, you should let him watch. [Hayao and Terri both blush] Terri: Karin! Hayao: [turns around] I won't look. [Terri takes off the surcoat, leaving her topless. She puts on what is basically a hide bikini top, and a crude jacket over that. She tries to lace it shut, but she mismeasured; the two sides can't get within three inches of each other. She sighs and leaves it unlaced, then reaches over and puts her spear medallion back on. Meanwhile, Karin pulls the surcoat in under her blanket and puts it on, then belts it with a strip of deer hide. It is fairly modest except for dipping down low in front, which shows off much of her cleavage, and it is fairly tight] Karin: Okay, you can turn around. Hayao: [looks Terri up and down] Damn, you look good in that. Terri: [blushes faintly] Really? Hayao: [nods] So does Karin, of course. Karin: I look a frightful mess. You don't have to lie to make me feel good, but thank you anyway, Hayao. [leans over and kisses his cheek] And that's for staying up and trying to help, unlike everyone else, who decided to go to bed. Hayao: [blushes] Well, after standing watch for four hours, Andrew needed his sleep. And most of the others went running around with me hunting deer. And since I cannot sew my way out of a wet paper bag, I will now go to sleep so I have some rest before I stand watch. [bows, then finds some empty space on the floor and curls up in a blanket] Karin: You know, I never realized it before, but Hayao looks pretty good with his shirt off. I'm tempted to claim we can't make him one. Terri: Karin! You've already got ONE boyfriend! Karin: [laughs] Doesn't mean I can't look. Or am I poaching on your territory, hmm? Terri: [blushes] He'd never go out with me, even if I was interested. Karin: Did you just see how he looked at you? He liked what he saw. Terri: [looks down at herself and blushes] That's because I'm not hiding very much. Karin: If you've got it, flaunt it. Terri: Then why are you wearing something more modest than this? Karin: I've already got a boyfriend; I don't need to advertise. You do. And Hayao's a great guy. He'd make a great boyfriend for you. Terri: [thinking] If he didn't want to date you. Karin: Plus, you'll never be poor. Terri: That's no reason to date someone! Karin: And a nice butt. Terri: Karin! Karin: [sighs] Sorry, I'm getting a little randy because Andy and I haven't been able to have any privacy to...you know. Terri: That would explain some of Angelina's behavior. Karin: With Sevian around, I'm surprised Drak ever gets any privacy for that. Terri: I don't suppose you can conjure a tape measure? Karin: Tape worms, yes. Tape measure, no. Afraid Hayao and Andrew will end up with shirts they can't wear? Terri: And Angelina with a top that doesn't fit, since she's only got a skirt, a scarf, and a Magic Belt left to wear. Karin: You know, I'd have picked different merit badges in Girl Scouts if I'd known this was going to happen. Terri: I always hoped something like this would happen. But I didn't prepare well enough for it. Karin: Well, I hated it at first, but I'm starting to enjoy it. I figured out yesterday that I'm a sixteenth level wizard at least. Terri: ... Karin: Unfortunately, while I have a lot of useful spells for puttering around the house, or doing minor repairs, or for camping, I don't have many useful for combat or Evil God Stomping. But being able to summon a giant tent or get ice cold Coke is pretty nice. And...I hope we get to keep our powers when we go home. Especially the manicure spell I found. Terri: Well, this body would be nice to keep. Karin: Even the dangerous stuff is kinda cool. Like when I knocked down that Orc King's palace with a giant bowling ball. Now, if we just knew where the stupid Magic Belt sent us THIS time... Terri: I think we're on the west side of the Welin Peaks, possibly near Great Dwarf Pass. Karin: [thinks for a minute] Where the big Mind-Flayer empire is? [shudders] Terri: We'd be up northeast of them, in the Horseclans territories. Karin: So only about a thousand miles from where we need to be. Terri: Something like that. We need to get to the City of the Druids to get the Torc of the Gods, and to the Isle of the Rainbow to get Balancer. [yawns] I'm gonna have to get some sleep. Karin: Me too. Goodnight, Terri. Terri: Goodnight. [Fade to black as Karin douses the magical light] ************* [Fade in. STILL: We see the outside of the tent. The rain continues, but now it's daytime. Gimli is on watch, standing stolidly in the rain. Camera moves inside the tent, where a meeting is taking place. Angelina has cut off her skirt to knee-length and turned the cut off part into a tied-on wrap around that covers most of her torso, though her lower midriff and shoulders are bare, and it looks hideous. She is wearing Ozma's Magic Belt. Hayao and Andrew are both wearing roughly made leather jackets that won't quite close right, while Terri has simply given up on her jacket completely. Champion lies on the ground next to Hayao. Drak still has his studded leather, and Bilko's leather armor, while torn, is still mostly functional. Karin is curled up with Andrew to Terri's right, while Hayao sits on her left, next to Angelina, who is next to Drak] Terri: Well, we have a couple of options. We can try to find some Horseclans members and haggle for some horses. We can simply take off on foot for the mountains and look for trade caravans coming through Great Dwarf Pass. We can try the Magic Belt again. Karin: One more Magic Belt trip and we'll all be butt naked. No thanks. Drak: Do we have enough money to get horses? Hayao: It depends on if the Horseclans take Elven gold. Between what we had, and what Andrew, Bilko, and Angelina acquired in the process of searching for Champion, we're up to about 50,000 gp worth of gold, gems, knicknacks, letters of credit from Nimost merchants, and the like. Andrew: Wait...how are you carrying all that stuff, Hayao? Hayao: [pulls out a very stuffed coin purse] A holy coin purse of Baltor. It can hold infinite money, gems, jewelry, and the like, as long as I can stuff it through the opening. I didn't realize that until recently; I was just thinking I was a good packer, and then I noticed the label. [laughs] But it won't let me put the Bhellom in it; I guess Baltor doesn't think it has any value. Andrew: [thinking] Baltor's got the right idea. Bilko: I say we go looking for some horseclansmen. It's not like the pass is going anywhere, but walking all the way to the Shire would take weeks, maybe months, and then we'd just be in the Shire. Andrew: I'm with him. Angelina: Aren't the Horseclans suspicious of strangers, though? Sevian: [loudly] I am a god. I'll command them to give us horses. Drak: [rolls his eyes] Oh, that'll work. Bilko: [confidently] They trade with us. Let me do the talking. Hayao: Only if you promise you won't accidentally end up inside anyone's clothing. Bilko: That only happens in bodies of water. I swear I'll be good. Terri: Right. Then we go hunting the Horseclans when it stops raining. [Cut to next scene] ********** [STILL: From high above, we see the rolling ridges that form the western foot hills of the Welin Peaks. Our band of hero(ine)s can be seen trudging up one side of a ridge, while a small knot of horse(wo)men are riding up the other side. It is quickly obvious that the women are all dressed like Terri, while the men simply wear nothing above the waist except for a colorful, knotted scarf around the neck. ACTION: Both groups crest the ridge, and pause and stare at each other] Terri: [thinking] Please speak Common. Please speak Common. [speaking] We are the Company of Four. I am Terri Hatchett. We come in peace. Andrew: [whispers] Shoot to kill. [Karin elbows him] Male rider: [ugly as sin, built like Andre the Giant with long red hair and a huge claymore] I am Randi of Clan Hogun, and these are my clansmen. You are one of the strangest groups of travellers I have ever seen, though I travelled extensively beyond the mountains when I was younger. How came you so far from the Far Lands on foot? Terri: We lost our horses due to sorcery. Then we lost most of our clothing due to a river, and several suits of armor as well. We would have no shelter if our magus, Karin, [points to Karin] was not able to conjure large tents. [She then proceeds to introduce each of the members of her group] We were hoping we might be able to trade you something for some horses. [pauses] Umm...although now that I think of it, we don't have much to trade unless you take coins and gems. Randi: Come and ride with... [he pauses] Come with us, and we discuss this in our camp, where there are horses to be traded. Karin: [looking Randi up and down, thinking] You know, he looks kinda familiar. Andrew: [looking at the various women in Randi's party, thinking] I wonder if I can convince Karin to dress like that. Hayao: [thinking] If you hit Tom Masterson with an ugly stick, you'd have...wait a second...Tom played a Horseclansman named Randi! I wonder if Jillian the Axe is here too. [notices one of the women has long pink hair and a huge axe with runes on the blade] We're dead. Bilko: [eyeing the horseclanswomen] Now, this is how women should dress more often. Jillian the Axe: [looking down from her horse at Bilko] More often? We always dress like this in summer. Bilko: Back home, I mean. Well, not home, home...halfling women tend to get kinda fat once they settle down, but you know what I mean. Jillian the Axe: I have no idea what you mean. [thinks a moment] Oh, you mean hobbit women. I remember that. Terri: Right. Off to your camp we go. Hayao: [to Jillian] Did you once set a temple of the Sea Queen on fire after getting sea sick? Jillian: Yeah, I had to show her not to mess with me. Andrew: [eyes widen] No. No. No. Karin: [blinks] Jillian the Axe. [thinking] Please don't let us run into any temples or priests or blind beggars or cockatrices or... Terri: What is wrong with...oh. Jillian the Axe: I take it I am famed in your lands? Gimli: [shrugs] I've never heard of you. Terri: It's a long story, and I'm sure most of it isn't true. [thinking] If this is Erika's character from that one game...No one mention we're working for another deity. No one mention it. [The group gets moving along] Randi: So what brings you to the Great Plains? Angelina: They [points to Terri, Hayao, Karin, and Andrew] have been chosen by four gods as their champions to stop the Undeath Plague, and the rest of us are sort of along for the ride. Jillian: [gets a light of crazed fire in her eyes] Chosen by...four gods? Hayao: [desperately] She meant dogs. She's dyslexic. Terri: [thinking] One of these days, I'm going to kill Erika for the way all her clerics take 'Raging Fanatic' as a flaw. Karin: [cringing] Please don't attack us! I'm sure the Horse Lord is on good terms with them! Randi: Jillian, will you stop being an idiot? [gestures to several of the others, who quickly grab her before she can go on a rampage] Jillian: [struggling] Heretics! Gnostics! Radical Masculinists! Andrew: [suddenly steps forward, next to Jillian] Let go of her. I'll deal with her. Terri: [runs over to him] Andrew, the last we saw of Jillian the Axe, she was a thirteenth level cleric! And that axe is +4! Andrew: [shrugs] I can deal with her. Terri: [shakes him] She's got at least a hundred hit points! Randi: [confused] Hit points? Angelina: The chosen of the Gods speak rather strangely, I've learned. Jillian: [struggles] Let go of me, or I'll ask the Horse Lord to hobble your steeds! Hayao: [dryly] That would be an interesting trick since we don't have any. Andrew: [confidently] Let go of her. I'll deal with her. Terri: [lets go of Andrew] Andrew, she will turn you into kibbles and bits if they let her go. Andrew: [stares at her with an utterly serious look] I know how to handle her. Terri: [steps back] Andy, if you get yourself killed... Karin: Andy, don't be an idiot! Remember the time she cut off that giant koala's head with one blow? Andrew: [turns back to face Jillian] Let her go. [The people holding her glance over at Randi, who nods. They let go of her] Jillian: Finally! Death to all her... [raising her axe] Andrew: Put down the axe, or I'll tell everyone about what happened in the basement of the Red Lion Inn on Frost 23, 828 IY. Jillian: [freezes in place] How do you know about that? Karin: Eh? Hayao: What? Terri: [thinking] Wait, is he thinking of the... Andrew: I was there, that's how. Would you like me to tell everyone who I found you with? Jillian: [turns beet red] But the only two people who knew about that... Andrew: Remember when you cut off your own foot and I loaned you my ring of regeneration? Remember how I carried your body three hundred miles across the desert to get the curse of Amut-Ra broken? Jillian: But...you're a human! And he was... Andrew: Durin the Daring. Randi: [boggles] You're Durin? Andrew: Reincarnation spell went awry again. Like the time Sir Percy ended up as a carp. Jillian: You make a better looking human than you ever did a dwarf. [drops the axe and jumps off her horse, tackle-hugging him] I thought I'd never see you again after you fell through that portal into the Abyss! Terri: [thinking] You're a genius, Andy. Jillian had a loyalty of 25 to Durin...And you know stuff only Durin could know. Andrew: I never thought I'd see me again, either. [pauses] You're crushing me, Jillian. Jillian: [helps Andrew up] This is great! I always wanted to be your lover, but I was afraid I'd crush you to death. Karin: [growls] I'm his girlfriend. Andrew: [thinking] You'd STILL crush me to death. Randi: What happened to your axe of throwing, Durin? Andrew: When the gods reincarnated me, they made me a bard and gave me this magical microphone instead. [brandishes it] And I'm afraid I'm already dating someone, Jillian. [goes over and holds Karin's hand] This is Karin, my girlfriend. Jillian: [looks over at Hayao] Hmm. You know, you look sort of like Percy. Hayao: [amusedly] We're distant relatives. Jillian: [looks at Terri] Do I know you? Terri: Probably not. [for a moment, she has a brief fantasy of herself as a tiny little gnome in robes saying, 'I am Dungeon Master' and laughs] Jillian: So the Dwarf Gods chose you to come back as a human? Has Moradin been drinking again? Andrew: He's a Dwarf god. Of course he has. Jillian: Silly me for asking. [Cut to next scene] *********** [STILL: We see a huge bonfire surrounded by large and small tents, along with a handful of permanent wooden buildings and two wells. Dozens of Horseclansmen and women are busily eating and talking and singing and dancing. Our band of heroes sit together with the people they met earlier on one side of the fire ACTION: Randi comes over from talking to the Shaman] Terri: What did the Shaman have to say? Andrew: [whispered to Karin] Please don't squeeze the Shaman. [Karin laughs] Randi: He wants to test the Chosen Ones. If you pass, he'll give you all horses. Hayao: And if we fail? Randi: He burns you for heresy. But I'm sure you'll pass. As long as Durin doesn't smart off to any more priests of Athena, anyway. Andrew: Hey, I was trying to COMPLIMENT her by telling her she'd look good with a beard! Sevian: Sounds like one of Drak's lines for getting women. Drak: Be quiet! Jillian: I'm sure Durin will pass his test. Angelina: What kind of test do we have to pass? Randi: Not all of you. Just the four Chosen Ones. I assume it will be hand tailored for each of you. Terri: [nods] So I'll probably fight, Karin will probably have a sorceror's duel, Hayao will have to....out-bargain someone? [pauses] And Andrew would have...a singing contest? Jillian: Ack! No one in their right mind would let Durin sing. Randi: Maybe he's better when sober. Andrew: [confidently] I am. Bilko: [looking around] When does everyone get naked? Randi: After we lock up the children and hobbits. Bilko: Feh. [Fade out] ********** [Fade in. STILL: Andrew and Karin are together in a huge tent, which is far larger than they really need it to be, even to fit the large bed which is in it (thanks to a 'Bed and Breakfast' spell). They are cuddled up to each other] Karin: Andy, why did you try and stop Jillian all by yourself? Andrew: I just felt like I had to prove I wasn't useless. Karin: [frowns] Andy, you are NOT useless. Andrew: I just can't control what this microphone does when I sing well enough to be much help, usually, but I've always been good at talking my way out of a fight. And I had some blackmail on Jillian. Karin: So what DID happen down in that inn basement? I remember notes flying like snowflakes in January. Andrew: I promised not to tell, so I won't. Karin: [frowns] It was just a... Andrew: [shakes his head] Not any more. She's real. Karin: [softly] Which disturbs me. Andrew: Jillian wasn't that bad. Karin: We already know Durin, Percy, Randi, and Jillian are real. What about our other characters? When Clarissa blew up the party that one time, were real people dying in another universe because of my actions? Andrew: ... Karin: They might just be flukes, maybe everything possible exists somewhere, and we happen to have gone to that somewhere. Or maybe we're somehow controlling real people when we play. Andrew: ... Karin: That scares me. What if every universe is someone else's game? What if someone is playing us? In some sort of multileveled, eternal game? Andrew: I wish they'd bought me a higher 'Use Magic Microphone' skill, then. [sighs] I'm more worried about tomorrow's test. Hopefully it will be more like 'Star Search' then 'Highlander' for me, but... Karin: They didn't sing in Highlander. Andrew: I couldn't think of any song battles to the death. [irritated] You know what I mean. Karin: I know. [sounds scared] We could die. This could be our last night together. Andrew: At least we can spend it together. [sighs] I think you'll be okay, though. Karin: Depends on what kind of duel we have. If it's a duel to see who has more dumb spells, I've already won. Andrew: You and Terri got the best powers. Karin: I'd love to have Hayao's power, especially if I got to take it back to our world with me. I couldn't use yours; I can't sing worth beans. Andrew: I'd trade with Terri in an instant. Karin: I wouldn't. I don't want to look like Cory Emerson. Andrew: [blinks] Cory Emerson is cute. Karin: I wonder what Hayao and Terri are doing right now in their tent. Andrew: [laughs] Probably not what we did earlier. Karin: I think they'd make a cute couple. Andrew: If Hayao wasn't in love with you, and either of them had any courage at all with the opposite sex, maybe. Karin: [frowns] He's not in love with me. Andrew: Are you blind? Karin: [shakes her head] Oh come on, he would have tried something. He's had years to try something. Andrew: We've been dating since the day he met us. You know Hayao; he'd never try to break two people up. Find every excuse he can to be near you, yes. Break us up, no. Not directly. He'll just long for you until he goes mad or I do. Karin: [starts counting on her fingers] He went out with Julie Fisher for six months! And he dated Trang Pham for three. And he dated five or six women last semester, even if none of them worked out. I think you're imagining things. Andrew: [sighs] Whatever. Karin: [scratches her head] You really think he likes me? Andrew: Karin, every guy who spends more than fifteen minutes around you falls in love with you at some point. And you never notice, and you end up encouraging them. Karin: Drak hasn't. Andrew: Drak already has too many women. Karin: [rolls over on her back and stares at the ceiling] I keep wondering if I should tell Angelina about Nicola. Andrew: Actually, I was wondering why Sevian hasn't said anything. Karin: Maybe he likes Angelina. Andrew: [yawns] I guess we'd best get some sleep, especially since you'll need to memorize spells in the morning. Karin: [leans over and kisses him] Good night, my love. Andrew: I love you too, Karin. [Fade to black] ************ [Fade in. STILL: We see Terri and Hayao in a small tent of hides, obviously borrowed from the Horseclansmen. They are both wrapped in blankets with a pile of furs as a pillow] Terri: Do you think they're... Hayao: Blue? Terri: I keep thinking about...You're not going to snore tonight, are you? Hayao: [faintly irritated] How should I know? Worried about tomorrow? Terri: Yeah. I think I'll do okay, but I'm not sure about anyone else. Hayao: [flatly] Thanks for the vote of confidence. Terri: [rolls over to face him] Dammit, we don't even know what these tests are. I'm sure mine will involve beating things up, and I'm good at that now. [voice getting louder] But I have no clue what the rest of you will face, and it scares me, okay? I'm afraid you're all going to die, and it's going to be MY fault because I browbeat everyone into this! [shouting] I'm scared out of my freaking mind that my best friends are going to get killed while all I can do is watch! Hayao: [quietly] We all chose to follow you. I'm scared too, but I think we'll be okay. We haven't failed yet. Terri: We're so far in over our head...I'm too used to being the GM, where I can control everything that happens except what the PCs do, but even then, I can usually predict it. [sighs] And you know what usually happens when I play. Hayao: Like the time Susan Arabela opened the wrong book and lost forty sanity points from the frontispiece of Shub-Niggurath? Terri: Exactly. When I'm not all-knowing, I tend to screw up. Hayao: I think you're selling yourself short. You're a good leader, and it's been honed by years of trying to get insane players to cooperate with each other. And you're never afraid to try something new, unlike the rest of us. I never would have gone dancing in my entire life if you hadn't forced me. Terri: Sometimes new things lead to disaster, though. Hayao: We're too young to hide in a box in case something new bites us. [reaches over and squeezes her shoulder] We'll be fine. Terri: How can you be so confident? Hayao: It's a lot more fun than despair. [laughs] I just feel confident. After seeing you kick so much butt, I'm surprised you're scared. Terri: [shivers] Terrified. Hayao: Natural since you're Terri, I suppose. Terri: [reaches over and noogies him] Hayao! Don't make me make jokes about your name! Hayao: A difficult feat in English. Terri: I'll...uh...dance about naked! Hayao: I find that HIGHLY implausible. Andrew would marry Bilko first. Terri: [gags] That's a horrible thought. Hayao: [yawns] We'd best go to sleep. Terri: Only if you don't snore. Hayao: You snore worse than I do. Terri: You could wake the dead with your snoring, Hayao. Hayao: Well, if the dead rise, maybe we'll get out of the tests. [rolls over] Good night, Terri. Terri: [sighs] Goodnight. [Cut to next scene] *********** [STILL: We see a flat field just south of the Horseclans village. The clan is spread out along two sides of the field, watching the clan Shaman, an old man wearing a West African style devil mask with a fringe of hair, and the four Chosen Ones.] Shaman: Who's first? Terri: I am. Hayao: You should wear my armor, Terri. Terri: Won't fit me right. [hefts Champion] I'm ready. Shaman: You must defeat Andre in a wrestling match. Terri: ... [ANDRE steps forward. He is seven foot tall, built of spring steel and rawhide. Quite likely the toughest looking man Terri has ever met. Not a barber, though] Andre: [cracks his knuckles and the Earth shakes] I'm ready. Terri: [hands Champion to Hayao] Urgle. Is this the standard 'pin the person's shoulders to the ground for three seconds' thing? Shaman: Or until someone has all their bones broken. No use of weapons. Grabbing clothing is okay, however. Terri: [steps forward] Right. Come and get me. [Andre charges forward, arms reaching out to grab her. She leaps up and kicks him in the face] Andre: Gimme a real kick! Terri: ... [She lands and rolls away from him. For about a minute, he chases her around as she tries to think of a plan. Various Horseclansmen begin to boo] Sevian: Stop acting like Drak and fight him! Drak: Well, if she was acting like you, he'd break her neck while she was mouthing off. Hayao: [whispering to the Bhellom] How can Terri win this? [The answer 'It would be cheating if we told you' floats to the top. He sighs] Karin: [to the Shaman] Are we allowed to shout advice? Shaman: Not unless the crowd starts it. Karin: [frowns] Right. Terri: [thinking] This is the one time I've ever wished I watched pro-wrestling religiously like Paul does. Andre: Stop running! Andre is getting tired! Terri: [thinking] If only I had a folding chair... Andre: [manages to grab her shoulder] Har har! [throws her into the air, then tries to stomp on her when she lands, but she rolls away] Stay still! Terri: No. Andre: Pretty please? Terri: Definitely not. [points over at Jillian] Hey, look, Jillian took her top off! Andre: [turns and looks] She did not. [Terri hefts him and throws him up into the air] Andre: Hey, no fair! Terri: [leans back and does a high kick into Andre's groin as he comes down, sending him off in another arc, and knocking her back onto her butt] Oww! Andre: OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! [*Slam!* The ground shakes. Terri charges over and tries to pin him. However, he is howling and rolling about, and she can't manage to keep him still long enough to pin him for three seconds] Terri: [thinking] This sucks. Andre: NOW YOU DIE! [grabs Terri and slams her head into the ground repeatedly as he howls incoherently] [Hayao growls and fingers the hilt of Champion. Angelina buries her face in Drak's chest, unable to watch, and Drak simply winces. Bilko doesn't notice as he's too busy wandering around trying unsuccessfully to hit on women. Karin begins chewing on her fingernails, while Andrew repeatedly clenches and unclenches his fists, breathing heavily. Gimli frowns and tugs on his beard thoughtfully] Gimli: She should summon the Aegis if she's truly Athena's Chosen One. Andrew: Let's not all get turned to stone, okay? I still have nightmares about the time Nicola used it on me. Hayao: Using a weapon would count as cheating. Karin: I thought this was supposed to be the EASY TEST! Gimli: A shield isn't a weapon. It's armor. Terri: [thinking] While this does hurt, my head isn't cracking like a walnut like it should be. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. [reaches up and grabs his hands, pulling them away from her head, saying] That hurt! Andre: [struggles to get his arms free] And kicking my balls didn't? [They struggle in silence, slowly rising to their feet. He tries lunging forward, but it just pushes her back. She strains, sweating profusely, as is he. Slowly, she brings his arms together in front of her, then falls back, throwing him over her, crashing head-first into the ground. She rolls to her feet, then jumps on him as he tries to get up, pulling his arms behind his back. They flail about, as he is closely matched with her for strength, and has an edge in toughness. She begins to kick the sides of his head with her feet as they struggle] Terri: [thinking] Oh bloody hell, I'm pulling his shoulders off the ground! How the hell do wrestlers pin each other, anyway? [She tries pushing his shoulders down, but loses her grip on his arms, and he manages to wrench around, slamming her into the ground. He stomps her in the gut, but she grabs his foot and throws him into the air] Terri: [sits up and breathes hard] I need time to think. Too bad the wisdom of Solomon didn't come with this job. Sevian: Turn him into a spider! Drak: Yeah, like she did to Arachne! Karin: Arachne? Andrew: Some woman who pissed Athena off, so she turned her into a spider...she beat Athena in a contest or something. Karin: [frowns] That wasn't very nice. Andrew: Even the nice Greek Gods were petty. Although... [taps his microphone against one leg] I remember one of them killed some dude for seeing her naked. Karin: [watches Andre chase Terri around] That's not much help. Andrew: Really, though, this should be a weapon contest. Athena wasn't the goddess of wrestling. Hayao: Quite. And how did this guy get so tough, anyway? Shaman: He drank eight potions at once. Four of them became permanent, one of them gave him constipation for three years, and he spent a few months with smoke pouring out of his ears. They also fried his brain. I didn't expect the fight to go this long, though. Drak: Hmm. Athena burst out of her father's head...no, that doesn't help. Angelina: I suppose turning Andre into a knicknack would be cheating. Shaman: If someone outside the fight does it. Angelina: Would throwing her the magic belt be cheating? Shaman: Is it sacred to Athena? Angelina: I doubt it, unless Athena spends her spare time pretending to be a faerie queen. Shaman: She may use anything sacred to Athena or her own body. Or clothing. Hayao: So I could use my magic coin purse, Andrew could use his microphone, Karin gets her spellbook...hmm, you know, Athena didn't give Terri a magic item. Karin: Technically, my spellbook isn't magical by itself. I think Terri's enhanced body is her magic item. Gimli: [stubbornly] I still think she ought to summon the Aegis. Drak: Only the high priestess of the cult in a given country can do that. Gimli: You see any other priestesses of Athena around here? Hayao: We're not priests and priestesses, though. I'm Buddhist, myself. Gimli: Does Buddha know anything about wrestling? Hayao: I suspect not. Andrew: What does that amulet do? Karin: Isn't that what's giving her the superbody? Hayao: Hmm. Maybe it does do something else, like summon armor. Karin: It could summon Voltron for all we know, but that won't help if we don't how it works. [Andre manages to grab Terri and slam her into the ground. He stomps at her legs, but again she gets out of the way in time. Then they both sag to the ground, breathing hard] Hayao: What happens if they both pass out from exhaustion? Shaman: Whoever's shoulders hits the ground for three seconds first loses. Karin: [frets] I wish we could give her advice! Andrew: We don't have any useful advice. Karin: I just hate having to watch! Andrew: Now if this was a real wrestling match, we could beat up the referee, and then she could cheat while he was knocked out. Shaman: [without looking] Don't even think about it. Hayao: Not having a ring alters the dynamics as well. There's no way to get a height advantage. Terri: [thinking as she and Andre face each other warily] Wish I could tag off with the Masked Avenger or some such person. Masked...aha! [whips off her top and leaps over Andre, tying it around his eyes on the way over him. It's like a Zorro mask...with no eyeholes] Andre: [flails about] I can't see! Terri: Exactly. [As he is about to fumblingly untie the blindfold, she kicks him in the back, knocking him down, then grabs a clod of dirt and shoves it into his mouth. While he is gagging and trying to spit it out, she manages to pin his shoulder to the ground for three seconds as the Shaman counts it out. She then quietly falls back onto her back] Gaah, I hate wrestling. [Everyone rushes out to her, and Hayao and Andrew carry her off the field] Hayao: Terri, are you okay? [pauses] Stupid question. [Terri is a dirty mess, with a fair number of new bruises. She is also still topless as they suddenly realize. She then covers her chest with her arms] Terri: Did I win? Shaman: Yes. Terri: Good, I'm going to sleep now. Wake me when you all win. [thunk] Andrew: [gulps] Who is next? Shaman: Your choice. Hayao: I'll go next. [reaches over and squeezes Terri's hand, then stands up] Andrew: If we all have to wrestle someone, I'll just kill myself now. Shaman: Each test is tailored to your strengths. Terri: [weakly] Can I sue the tailor? Shaman: [to Hayao] Are you sure you want to go next? Hayao: [firmly] Yes. Shaman: [waves his staff and chants. An Eskimo appears] You must sell snow to this man. Hayao: What snow? Eskimo: [points at the Shaman] I'm really sick of you doing this. Send me home now, or I'll pepper spray you. [pulls out a pepper sprayer] Shaman: Okay, maybe I've used this test too many times. [gestures and the eskimo vanishes] How about... Hayao: I don't have any sand to sell to a Saudi either. Shaman: Well, what do you have? Hayao: Can I just identify something's value? If I had anything to sell, we wouldn't be stuck doing these tests. Shaman: How about...ahah! [runs off to his tent, then returns with a battered old nag of a horse] Here's a stake. Trade your way up to enough horses to mount your entire group, and you pass the challenge. Hayao: [thinks a moment] Right. [takes the reins and heads off towards the audience to do some trading] Shaman: [to Andrew] You're next, boy. Andrew: [steps forward nervously] So what's my test? Shaman: You must sing everything Elhviz ever recorded. Andrew: You do realize how long that takes, don't you? Shaman: [shakes his head] I'm not even sure what that means. Just going by what the spirits tell me would be appropriate. Terri: [moans from where she's lying] It means we're about to all be plunged into hell. Can someone please knock me out so I can sleep through this? Andrew: I do get breaks for food, water, and sleep, right? Shaman: Uh...sure. Andrew: Right. o/~ Hey baby, I ain't askin' much of you No no no no no no no no baby, I ain't askin' much of you Just a big-a big-a hunk o' love will do o/~ Karin: Can I take my test while he sings? Shaman: [calls over his disciple] Conan, watch him, will you? Conan: [flatly] Crom cares nothing for singing. Shaman: That's nice, Conan, but I want you to listen anyway. Conan: [flatly] The only music I enjoy is the lamentation of the women of my enemies. Karin: That's fine, Elvis doesn't count as music, regardless of Andrew's worship of fifties and sixties singers. Conan: [flatly] I live only for... Shaman: You could go clean the stables again. Conan: For listening to singing. [goes over and sits down crosslegged to watch] Shaman: [nods] I thought so. [turns to Karin] Let's get on with your test, then. You must have mad passionate sex with me and satisfy my every whim. Karin: [aghast] WHAT? That has nothing to do with magic! Shaman: Had to try. [shrugs] You must turn lead into gold. You must make it rain from a cloudless sky. And you must extract water from the Sea of Sand. Karin: Hmmm. How am I supposed to get to the Sea of Sand? Shaman: That's part of the test. Karin: Do I have time to memorize spells? Shaman: [looks over at Andrew, then back] You have until he finishes his test to prepare to start yours. Karin: [grins] Right. I'll get to it. [Iris out] ************* [Iris in on a virtually identical scene, except that the audience and Conan are now covered in dust and Gimli and Drak took Terri to rest in a tent the previous day. Karin is now wearing the Magic Belt and holding Wayfinder] Andrew: o/~ Oh break it, burn it, drag it all around / Twist it, turn it, you can't tear it down / Cos' every minute, every hour you'll be shaken / By the strength and mighty power of my love o/~ Karin: I'm ready. Shaman: [points at the Belt] You can only use items sacred to your goddess. Karin: [grins] All magic items are sacred to Sandy, Goddess of Magic. I checked with Terri. Shaman: That's hardly kosher. Karin: People don't become magicians to fight fair. Shaman: True. Okay, show me the magic. Karin: [pulls out a handful of gold coins and puts them on a handy stump. She then dances about, chanting. The coins turn into lead] Step one complete. Shaman: I said you had to turn lead into gold. Karin: [grins] It's lead now, right? Shaman: Right. Karin: [snaps her fingers, dispelling the spell. The lead turns back into gold] Done. Shaman: [frowns] Okay, make it rain. Karin: [pushes a knob on Wayfinder. The top pops open and an umbrella springs out] Here we go... [casts 'Summon Hail Storm'. In the heat, the hail melts and becomes rain, which drenches everyone] That good enough? Shaman: [dripping wet] Okay, now you have to extract water from the Sea of Sand. Karin: No problem. Magic Belt, take me and Shaman boy here to the Sea of Sand. [There is a flash of light, and they vanish, reappearing in the Sea of Sand, a great, seemingly endless plain of golden sand] Karin: Now, watch carefully. [spins about three times, chants 'Igy Igy Wa Poo Ding', and then does a quick Can- Can. Nothing seems to happen] Okay, now for step two. Shaman: Nothing happened. Karin: Andrew's Marvellous Aquifer creates an Aquifer, which by definition, is underground. Shaman: A what? Karin: Wait and see. [waves her arms, vogues, and chants three haiku about fires. A shovel appears in her hands] Summon Smokey's Shovel. Now, I dig. [This takes about a half-hour, by the end of which she is exhausted and sweaty. Water begins to well up into the hole she has dug] Shaman: But the Sea of Sand doesn't have any water; the Sandworms trap it all! Karin: That's what conjuring a Marvellous Aquifer is useful for. It wouldn't be an aquifer without any water in it. Well, did I pass? Shaman: [nods] Yes. Karin: Magic Belt, take us back to the tests! [There is a flash of light, and they return] Andrew: o/~ he wrote upon it: / Return to sender, address unknown. / No such number, no such zone. / We had a quarrel, a lover's spat / I write I'm sorry but my letter keeps coming back. o/~ [Conan is straining to restrain himself from a kill frenzy] Shaman: I officially declare you've passed, Andrew, because my sanity can't take any more of this. [Conan sags with relief and collapses] Andrew: But I didn't even get to the comeback tour songs! Shaman: [nods] Thank the heavens. [Hayao comes up with a herd of horses in tow] Hayao: Well, I've got enough for all of us. Andrew: You know, now that I think about it...don't you have a spell that summons used horses, Karin? Karin: [twitches] AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! Hayao: ... Andrew: I'd forgotten about it. So how'd you get so many horses? Hayao: I traded the horse for some candles, then made earplugs out of the wax, and sold them to protect the tribesmen from your singing. Andrew: ... Hayao: Well, once Terri recovers, we'll be ready to go. Shaman: You've passed your tests. You're free to go. And I'll send Jillian to heal your leader. Gimli: [to the Shaman] So, did you set Hayao his test in order to avoid having to give us horses yourself? Shaman: You're a wise man. [Cut to next scene] ************ [Opening Shot: We see the village from above on a bright sunny day. It is bustling with activity. Gradually, the camera view descends to where the Company of Four is preparing to depart. Everyone has packed their bags and mounted up] Terri: Everyone ready to go? Jillian: [to Andrew] C'mon, ya gotta let me go with you. Andrew: [nervously] Your tribe needs you. Karin: [paging through her spellbook, thinking] Gotta be a spell that turns idiots into potatoes in here somewhere. Jillian: Clan. Andrew: Your clan needs you. Plus, you'd go mad and try to break Sevian in days. Sevian: That would insinuate she wasn't mad yet. Drak: [sharply] Shut up or I'll give you to her. [Sevian falls utterly silent] Jillian: True, trying to deal with that big-mouthed sword could make anyone go mad. I remember when Sir Percy's sword announced we'd come to kill the High King of the Orcs and would stop at nothing to do so, right in the middle of the Grand Orc Ball. We never did find Sir Percy's right hand. Hayao: [winces] Actually, it came back as an evil artifact and tried to strangle him, remember? Jillian: Oh yeah. Andrew: Why don't you go pray for an omen as to whether you should go? Jillian: Right! [rushes off to her tent] Andrew: RIDE! RIDE LIKE THE WIND!!!!!! [Terri, Hayao, Andrew, and Karin spur their horses forward. The others turn, stare at each other for a moment, then shrug in unison and spur their horses forward] Sevian: Anyone want to lay odds on her getting mad and hobbling our horses with a curse? Drak: Let's not give the universe any ideas. [Iris out] END EPISODE 4.