[OPENING SHOT: We see Anthraxus at home with KALI. She is bandaging his wounds after cauterizing them with the fire from her eyes. KALI is a voluptuous woman with flame for eyes, fangs in each mouth, a tongue like a serpent, a skull- like face, four arms, and dusky skin and is clad only in a skirt made out of human hands. The first aid room has purple and green molds growing on the walls, and the worktable is covered with blue-black, red, and orange stains] Anthraxus: Thanks for coming over. Most of my staff refuses to return until we finish the repairs. Damn gnomes. [idly cracks his knuckles] Kali: [pours water from the jug on her belt and scrubs a wound] You're going to get infections all the time if you don't learn to scrub your wounds. Anthraxus: I'm the Daemon Lord of Disease. Kind of hard for me to avoid infections. Kali: [nods] I'd forgotten about that. Explains a few things. Anthraxus: Like what? Kali: Why your last twenty consorts died of venereal diseases. [cauterizes the wound with flame from her eyes, then bandages the wound and starts scrubbing another one] Who did this to you? Anthraxus: Damn Orcus keeps telling me I'm a snob because I refuse to call myself a 'Demon' instead of a 'Daemon'. Kali: [plucks a scorpion out of one wound and tosses it aside] I thought you were working together on a project. Anthraxus: Yes, but we had the usual argument about semantics and now everyone's run off to rebuild their houses and send each other nasty crystal ball mail. Kali: Hmm, perhaps I could help you. For a price, of course. Anthraxus: [flatly] Ganesh can find his own damn hooker this time. Kali: No, no, I want you to tutor Rudra. He's having trouble with this 'sterilization' thing on the TNG plane. Anthraxus: Okay, I can do that. So, what are you going to do? Kali: Well, first you have to tell me what you're up to, and then I'll formulate a plan. Anthraxus: It all started when Orcus came up with this idea for an Undeath Plague... [Cut to Credits] ***************************** The Eternal Game OAV #5: Fireball Frolic in the Forest or The Obligatory Teamup Episode by John Biles Inspired by way too many fantasy novels, El Hazard, Guardians of the Flame, Rumiko Takahashi, Terry Pratchett, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, my AD&D campaign world, Greek Mythology, and other sources way too numerous to mention (like Warhammer Fantasy RPG and Jack Vance, and...oh wait, I said too numerous to mention...) Any resemblence to persons real or imaginary is due to the alien mind-control satellites that beam thoughts into my head and make me noogie people. Can anyone recommend a good source of lead-lined hats? A Raging Wombat Studios Production. Karinth and all persons therein not created by someone else and shamelessly stolen by me, copyright John Biles (1985, 1997,1999), if anyone cares. The Lord of the Dance was not harmed in the filming of this picture, unless one counts mental damage. But he was already that way when we got him, so we're not paying for it, so there! [Cue unwritten, but probably cool theme song and opening sequence] ************************** [OPENING SHOT: We see a vast pine forest spreading along both banks of a half-mile across river which winds slowly through many twists and bends. An ancient road in the Roman style, now gradually being covered over by grass and split by other plants, runs along the northern side of the river. What looks almost like a wall of oaks runs parallel of the road, about fifty feet thick, about eighty feet north of the road. The space between oaks and river is largely a grassy green sward with small knots of flowers and berry bushes. We see the Company of Four, who have paused to pick blueberries] Gimli: [to Terri] So how are you planning to convince the Druids to hand over the Torc of Life? Angelina: We'll just tell them four gods sent us to get it. Gimli: [turns to her] Sadly, they don't worship any of those gods. Unless Old Man River here speaks to them on our behalf, they won't care. Bilko: So we steal it. Druids don't like metal, so they usually don't have locks. Gimli: [turns to Bilko] That's why they train dogs to eat hobbits. Bilko: [shakes his head] Naah. Last time I robbed a druid, he didn't have a hobbit-eating dog. Hayao: [We can now see he's wearing Champion slung from his belt. He twitches] Have you been to the City of the Druids before, Bilko? Bilko: [digs through his pouch and pulls out a wooden ring carved to look like intertwined vines. It glows softly] Yeah. I kept this as a souveneir. Terri: [eyes widen] That's the Archdruid's Ring of Office! Bilko: [blinks] Oh, that's why he put the Curse of Ten Thousand Itches on me. But don't worry, that was the old Archdruid. Hayao: Do you rob the Archdruid frequently? Bilko: The current one hired me and some friends of mine to collect proof that the previous Archdruid was a Green Dragon in disguise. So he likes me, 'cause I proved he was right to cut off the old one's head and feed him to the dogs. Although then the guy's dragon relatives attacked and levelled half the city, but that wasn't my fault. Drak: [dubiously] So he won't throw us in the dungeons for being associated with you? Bilko: [confidently] He worships me as a god. Hayao: [to the Bhellom, which he shakes] Is Bilko telling the truth? [The word 'yes' floats to the top] Even about the worship part? [The word 'yes' floats to the top] You're kidding me. [The word 'no' floats to the top] This could be very good or very bad. [The word 'yes' floats to the top] Andrew: [pauses from stuffing blueberries in his mouth] Hmm. You know, since druids live in this forest, they may tell us these are sacred, and we'll have to be killed for eating them. Bilko: Naah, the berry bushes along the road are for eating. But don't kill anything inside the forest or eat anything without permission. Don't water the Archdruid after midnight. And don't ever, ever cast any fire magic near a plant. They go berserk. They jammed poor Niltsiar's staff up his... Angelina: [hastilly] I don't want to know. Bilko: ...nose. Eh? [Angelina facefaults] Andrew: So what's this Torc of Life, anyway? Terri: It's a sort of neck ring thing. It allows you to shapechange at will. It's one of the badges of office of the Archdruid of this part of the world. Getting him to give it to us won't be easy. Karin: So what's the plan to get it? Terri: [scratches her head] Maybe we can bribe him with blueberries. [Everyone facefaults] [Cut to next scene] ************* [Our heroes are now trudging along the road, further down the river. As they come round a bend, they are confronted by an old man and two youths in the process of harvesting mistletoe with golden scythes] Old Man: [looks at the group and rubs his eyes] We don't want any. Terri: We're not selling anything. Old Man: Oh. Been despoiling the forest? Hayao: No. Old Man: Damn, today was so boring, I was hoping for an excuse to kill you all. Can't have it all, I guess. Keep an eye out for dragons. [goes back to harvesting] Gimli: Dragons? Old Man: [turns back to them] One of the greens attacked the city, so the Archdruid tried to use our Dragon Orb, but the damn thing malfunctioned again. Terri: It summoned every dragon in the forest? Old Man: [looks at her suspiciously] And how'd ye know that? Terri: That's what Dragon Orbs do. The idea is that you put it in the middle of a giant slaughterhouse for Dragons, then kill them as they come in. That's what the Old Ones used them for. Old Man: [blinks] It is? Hayao: That's what the one in 'Against the Kobolds' did. [shudders] Damn Kobolds nearly killed us all with it. Andrew: They make good soccer balls, too. [Everyone stares at him] Andrew: Well, they do! Old Man: Hmm, that's why our city got sacked the last eight times we used it, then. [The Company of Four plus Five facefault in unison] Hayao: Didn't you read the instructions? Terri: [shakes her head] Druids usually can only read and write Ogham, which is a runic language, generally not used by the Old Ones to write Dragon Orb instructions. Most ancient artifacts don't come with instructions, anyway. Old Man: [nods to Terri] Anyway, one of the dragons carried off the Archdruid, three Doordruids, and the newest Windowdruid, along with the Torc of Life, the Spitoon of Life, and the Ashtray of Life. [sighs] And my favorite cow, too. Terri: Do you know where he took them? Karin: [spins Wayfinder like a baton] I bet our little friend here can tell us where to find the dragon. Old Man: We'd be very grateful if you could save them. They've organized a rescue party, but sacking every dragon lair we can find would take too long, and they'd likely get eaten first. [Hayao shakes the Bhellom] Hayao: Have they been eaten yet? [The answer 'no' floats to the top] There you go. Let's get moving. ************* [STILL: We see a large ridge that rises in the middle of the forest. There is a great gash in the hill which becomes a cave sinking deep into it. Our heroes stand on the next rise looking over at it] Hayao: What's the plan? Terri: We wait for it to go hunting, then we sneak in and use the Magic Belt to Mass Teleport out. Karin: Won't it eat the druids before it gets hungry? Bilko: You could give me the Belt, and I could sneak in and find them, then teleport them back to us. Gimli: Are any of these druids female? Terri: Two of the Doordruids are. The Windowdruid might be. I didn't buy the revised 'Druids of Mortaur'. Sevian: We can't send Bilko, then. Bilko: [indignantly] Hey, I can keep my mind on the job. Druids don't wear very sexy clothing. And the Archdruid is my friend. Terri: Well, we could try sending Drak and Angelina. They're both sneaky. Bilko: Oh come on! I'm a professional dragon robber. Send me. Drak: Send Bilko. [thinking] I'm a professional dragon avoider. [After much bickering, they finally send Bilko to sneak into the cave. Six hours later, nothing has happened] Angelina: Maybe they teleported straight back to the City of the Druids. Terri: Too silent. The dragon should have noticed and made some kind of noise. Drak, Angelina, go check it out. [They sneak off and return a few minutes later] Drak: The dragon is dead, Bilko is too loaded down with its treasure to move, and... Hayao: [in disbelief] He killed it? Drak: The words 'Muffy the Dragon Slayer was here' were written on the wall with the dragon's own blood. Terri: [laughs] Looks like the lawsuit didn't stop that supplement in this world. Karin: Where's the druid collection? Drak: No sign of them. I guess they probably just got up and left, because there weren't any bones or anything. Andrew: [spins Wayfinder] Point out the druids and the Torc of Life. [It turns and points southeast] Looks like you're right. Terri: Let's get Bilko and any loot we can carry, then we'll get a move on. And let's pray this doesn't turn into something like that scenario where we chased a rabbit through every cage in the zoo for six hours. Andrew: I still have nightmares about those monkeys. [Fade to next scene] ************* [We see a flying carpet zooming along about five feet off the ground. Five air-sick druids are throwing up in unison off one side of it while BLANDER, a dark haired human warrior in chainmail with a golfbag full of weapons on his back, and CORDWOOD, a darkly beautiful yet obnoxious elf in a green and brown tunic and dark brown leggings argue over who's driving the carpet. VIALS, a brown-robed man wearing a silver celtic cross on a silver chain and silver-rimmed glasses, is trying to feed some anti-nauseant potions to the ailing druids. SCHNOZ, a blonde human male with a large nose and a white Stratocaster +3 strapped to his back, is sitting on the opposite side of the carpet from the druids with his tongue out and flapping in the wind. Next to him, closer to the center of the carpet is MUFFY THE DRAGON SLAYER, a blonde teenager wearing a golden amulet, a dark green blouse, dark green trousers, and a two-handed sword strapped to her back. WENDI THE GOOD WITCH, a girl with long reddish-brown hair dressed in a long black dress and wearing a pointed hat, clings desperately to the broom she is riding above them] Muffy: Schnoz, will you STOP doing that? Schoz: [stops flapping his tongue in the breeze] Sorry, instinct. Vials: [as he tries to pour a potion into the gaping maw of one of the druids] Now, now, this is good for you. Archdruid Yuil: [an old man wearing a huge neckring and tattered white robes] I'm fine. [throws up again] Really. Doordruid Morrison: [a man with curly brown hair wearing psychedlic robes] I am the Lizard King! [waves one of the potions around] Vials: Hmm, I think I mixed that one incorrectly. Blander: LEFT! [The carpet zooms leftwards] Cordwood: RIGHT! [The carpet arcs right] Muffy: Will you two please STOP it? [The carpet slams to a halt and everyone goes flying. Vials ends up buried under nauseous druids. Schnoz ends up in a tree. Muffy lithely lands on her feet. Blander and Cordwood end up face down in an ant mound, then begin to run about screaming incoherently. Wendi flies over and helps Schnoz down as Vials digs himself out. The carpet lies crumpled at the bottom of a tree] Muffy: I hate this thing! Wendi: Well, if you hadn't shouted stop at it... Muffy: [slumps against a tree] This day can't get any worse. [A handsome dark haired man wearing a blue and yellow beanie with a propeller on top steps out from behind a tree. He is nicely dressed, except for the beanie, wearing black pants, and a white satin shirt under a red jacket trimmed with little yellow flames] Man: I'm afraid it can. My father is coming to Birnam Wood. Blander: [runs by screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! [Muffy casually grabs him and shakes him so hard all the ants fly off] Muffy: Well, that's bad for Birnam Wood, Smaug, but we're in the Black Forest. Wendi: And none of us is Macbeth. [lands with Schnoz near Muffy] Cordwood: [pops up] It's also called Mortaur, in the Elven language. The much superior Elven language. We named it first. Muffy: How'd you get the ants off you? [Cordwood blinks, realizes they're still on her, then runs off screaming again] Vials: In the language of the Dragons, this is known as Birnam Wood because it is home to Birnam, a very powerful green dragon. Archdruid Yuil: [mumbles] The trees are moving. Muffy: [smugly] WAS home to Birnam. Vials: That was Surinam, his youngest, weakest child. [pulls out a pamphlet labelled 'Advanced Tunnels and Wombats Karinth Gazeteer #23: Mortaur, Forest of the Druids', and begins to read] 'Born in the year 638 IY, Surinam is Adult in age, with 15 HD, an AC of...' Muffy: [interrupts] Okay, okay, don't confuse me with all that weird Gamerspeak. So how old is Birnam? Vials: [consults the pamphlet] 'Older than Dirt'. Shall I list his attack sequence? Muffy: [unconsciously fingers her amulet, which is made of gold and has a spear embossed on it] I get the idea. [Cordelia runs by screaming] Blander, go do something about your girlfriend. Blander: She's not my girlfriend. Muffy: She was this morning. Blander: She wouldn't let me drive! Wendi: [sighs] And who failed his flying carpet test three times in a row? Blander: [angrily] She crashed hers into a parked wagon! Smaug: Um, like, can I finish? Muffy: Hold on, we're having a pointless argument. [turns back to Blander] Go take care of Cordwood NOW! Blander: Urk. Okay. [runs after her] Schnoz: Throw her in a stream. It'll wash the ants off. Blander: Thanks! [chases her out of sight] Vials: Actually, immersion in water causes Mortaur Fire Ants to explode. So that might not be a good idea. Muffy: It would help if you mentioned these things before... [explosions start in the distance] ...it's too late. Smaug: Umm...are we done being silly yet? [Wendi pushes his propeller with her broom and laughs as it spins. He glares at her] Wendi: I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. [giggles some more] Muffy: Okay, what's the ominious warning of the day? Smaug: My father, Morgath, is coming to Birnam Wood to try to kill some adventurers, the Company of Four. The nine of them stole some stuff from his lair, and... Muffy: Like, math isn't my thing, but how can the Company of Four have nine people in it? Schnoz: Maybe they all have multiple personalities. Vials: Hold on, let me consult my portable library. [reaches into his robes and pulls out a tiny bookcase which grows to the size of a full bookcase] Wendi, if you'll assist me? [Wendi and Viles begin searching through the books as Blander and Cordwood limp back arm in arm. They trample the druids in the process, knocking them out] Muffy: [sits on a handy stump] Go on, Smaug. Smaug: Anyway, he's called in some favors that Birnam owes him, and he and Birnam and Birnam's entire brood are supposed to scour the forest for them and wipe them out. Muffy: So, we need to go stomp all the dragons? Smaug: [nods] That about sums it up. Muffy: Do we have time to make out while Vials is too busy reading to stop me? Vials: [looks up from 'Hall of Zeroes'] No. Muffy: You don't ever let me have any fun! Vials: As your Gamer, it is my duty to make sure you slay Dragons, not lay them. [Muffy reaches over and spins Smaug's beanie] Muffy: But his hat is just so cute... Vials: It's a Beanie of Alignment Change. If he ever took it off, he'd turn Chaotic Evil and try to kill you. Muffy: Can you put that in normal language? Vials: [flatly] No nookie with Dragons. Muffy: Let's go back to Gamerspeak. ************** [STILL: We see Mortaur from above, a great sea of decidous trees mixed with conifers. A majestic green dragon flies over the forest. Our view plunges down through the canopy to a pile of shrubs in which the Company of Four is hiding] Karin: Is it gone yet? Bilko: [sticks his head out] Give it three more minutes. Hayao: [nervously] I have had an evil thought. Terri: Eh? Hayao: You know, our horses are outside these bushes. Karin: Horses don't hide well, you know. Hayao: And if the dragon sees them? Karin: ... Angelina: We could just use the Magic Belt and teleport away. Terri: [shakes her head] Only in an emergency. Hayao: And maybe not even then. Sevian: Would you all like the good news or the bad news first? Drak: Good news. Sevian: The bad news is still a fair distance away. Drak: And the bad news? Sevian: I can feel Ahriman is coming. High in the air, as if he was flying. Now it could be he's gotten one of his powers back... Terri: [frowns] Or it could be that priest is riding on Morgath. Hayao: [shakes the Bhellom] How did Morgath find us? [The words, 'o/~ Going back to Kali o/~' float up and appear] Hmm, apparently L. L. Cool J. told him. Terri: ... Sevian: No, that would be the goddess Kali. If she's gotten involved in this...hmm, it's probably not too late to go back to that anvil... Terri: Well, we beat Morgath once, we... Angelina: We ran away. Andrew: We ran away once, we can do it again. Bilko: All's clear. No more dragon. [They all crawl out from under the bushes] Gimli: Good. I hate hiding. Especially in bushes full of poison ivy. Karin: [scratches her arms, which are beginning to itch] I think I have 'Conjure Calamine Lotion' in my spellbook. Let me check. [gets it out and starts reading] Andrew: [scratches his arms as well] And make it snappy. Gimli: [tugs his beard thoughtfully] I wonder why all the Green Dragons are up in arms. This is the fifth one we've seen in two hours. Terri: Hmm, could have something to do with Muffy the Dragon Slayer killing one of them, maybe? Gimli: [still tugging his beard] Hmm, I hadn't thought of that. Bilko: [shakes his head] They're after my Tome of Naked Elven Women, I tell you. Sevian: Morgath is probably bribing them to join the search for us. Drak: [nervously] Maybe we should just forget about the Archdruid and teleport out. Terri: We have to get the Torc. So we can't. Otherwise, I'd say teleport out too. Karin: Ahah! Found it. [conjures several bottles of calamine lotion and passes them around] Let's get going. [They take another Wayfinder reading and get a move on] ************* [Back with the Slayerettes, Schnoz is cooking dinner with help from Cordwood while Blander tries to feed another one of Vials' concoctions to the ailing druids and Wendi and Vials continue their research. Muffy and Smaug are very slowly, inch by inch, drifting in unison towards the edge of the camp] Vials: [doesn't look up] No. Muffy: Do you have X-Ray vision or something? Vials: As your parental figure, I have limited access to 'Parent Powers', such as knowing when you're up to no good. Muffy: But...Vials, everyone knows too much repression is bad for you! If I hold it in, I'll...spontaneously combust. Blander: Hey, I'm available. [falls down when Cordwood bounces a frying pan off his head] Wendi: [puts down the last book] Weird, I can't find them in any of the NPC books. Vials: [to Smaug] Are you sure you don't know any of their names? Smaug: One of them bears Sevian the Sword God. Vials: [nods] Ahh, the Sword of Whining. [consults 'The Little Big Book of Magical Swords'] Ahh, currently borne by a Bard named Drak. Says here that he lives in Rin. But that's about all germaine to this case. Schnoz: Does he have a nice guitar? Vials: No. Schnoz: What use is he, then? Cordwood: [cheerfully] Dinner is served. Another masterpiece of Elven cooking. Blander: Run for your lives! [takes another frying pan to the head] Cordwood: Insolent peasant. Blander: [gets up] I love it when you call me that. [sticks out his tongue at her] Muffy: Enough already! Let's eat, then we can go stomp Smaug's father. [thoughtfully] So what happens if we kill your father? Smaug: He dies. Muffy: I mean, you don't turn back into a human? Smaug: I was born a dragon. Killing your father wouldn't turn you into a dragon, and it won't make me human. It's not like I'm a vampire. Muffy: [sighs] A girl can dream. Wendi: That beanie would look pretty silly on a vampire. [Schnoz nods] Vials: We'd best feed the druids only broth until their stomachs recover. Smaug: Well, I'm off to vanish until you need a last minute save. Muffy: [waves cheerily] See you later! [Smaug vanishes in a puff of smoke] Cordwood: o/~ Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the flea o/~ Schnoz: Sea. Viles: [flatly] There will be NO singing in this scene. And I keep telling you, Elves CANNOT be Bards, so stop trying. Please, before we all go mad. Cordwood: o/~ In a land called Kathie Lee o/~ Schnoz: Honalee. Muffy: [plugs her ears] Make it stop! [Nothing can stop it, except the end of this scene] *********** [We see the Company of Four riding along through the forest, following Andrew, who is carrying Wayfinder] Andrew: Hmm. They don't seem to be moving. We've been going in a straight line for nearly an hour now. Hayao: [stomach rumbling] They probably stopped for dinner. Bilko: Sounds like a good idea to me. Gimli: We should press on and try to catch up. Once we reach them, we can teleport back to the city and get some real food. Bilko: [whining] But that could take hours! I want food now! Angelina: Can we hunt for dinner without angering the druids? Bilko: [begins ticking off points on his fingers] Just don't start any large fires, only use fallen wood, and hunt the old and weak animals, leaving the young and healthy ones to renew the herd. And don't cut down all the mistletoe to make yourself a wreath. Gimli: [looks over at Bilko] Speaking from experience? Bilko: Not too much...yes. Terri: He's right, so do what he said. Gimli: He's actually right? Terri: [nods] Yes. Let's get going; I'm hungry too. ************** [Our heroes and heroines are now seated round a small fire eating cooked rabbit and dried vegetables. Karin is pigging out on ice cream] Terri: You're gonna be hungry if you don't have something solid, Karin. Karin: I'd rather eat conjured ice cream than...than... Andrew: It's not Thumper, Karin. It's just a bunny. Terri: Yeah. I didn't hear you saying we were eating Bambi yesterday. Karin: [weakly] But they looked just like my pet when I was five... Andrew: [laughs] Who starved to death because you forgot to feed him. Bilko: You should have used Conjure Koala, then. They're good eating. Karin: I can't summon a monster and then EAT it! That's like...bad. It'd be like hiring a temp and eating him so you don't have to pay him. Gimli: [slaps his forehead] So that's what that Drow was thinking! I thought he was just a freak, but he was only a miser. Sevian: [testily] Not to interrupt your wonderful meal, but Ahriman is getting very, very close. Terri: [gets up] We'd best get moving, then. [Karin casts 'Summon Smokey's Shovel' and starts shoveling dirt onto the fire, putting it out] Bilko: The hairs on my feet are standing up. Either it's going to rain, or there's a lot of dragons coming. Gimli: [dubiously] You detect dragons with your feet hair? Bilko: I bet you could do it with your beard. Gimli: [dryly] I use it to detect idiots. Bilko: Maybe I should grow a beard, then. Gimli: [thinking] He'd detect himself constantly. Hayao: [consults the Bhellom] How many dragons are coming? [The word 'Ten' floats to the top] Ten dragons. Terri: [eyes widen] TEN DRAGONS? Andrew: Tiamat must have finally figured out I was the one who lined her lair with Mirrors of Opposition back in junior high. Terri: I hate to even ask this, but... Hayao: Is Tiamat getting even with Andrew by sending these dragons? [consults the Bhellom and gets the answer 'no'] No. [Andrew gives a great sigh of relief] Sevian: We can argue about whose fault this is later! GET ON THE HORSES AND RIDE! [They all find themselves on their horses and galloping along before they quite know what's going on] Terri: What are you so worried about, Sevian? Sevian: Drak will die horribly if we don't get a move on. Drak: [stunned] I didn't think you cared. Sevian: Ahriman will laugh at me if you die. Angelina: [laughs] And you can't let him get one up on you? Sevian: Exactly. For the glory of me, you have to survive, Drak. Hayao: [thoughtfuly] Hmm. You can sense where Ahriman is, roughly, right Sevian? Sevian: Yes. Hayao: And he can sense you. Sevian: Yes. Hayao: And dragons are faster than horses? Sevian: Yes. Hayao: Which means we can't lose them. Sevian: ... Terri: If we get to the druids first, we can then mass- teleport out. They can't outrace that. Hayao: [frowns] IF. Terri: Got a better plan? Hayao: [sighs] No. Karin: [trying to read her spellbook with one hand as she rides along] Hey, Sevian, do Red Dragons fear multi- vitamins? Sevian: No. Karin: [turns the page] Well, that spell won't help. Hayao: Have you tried checking the index? Karin: Spellbooks don't have one. Hayao: Humor me. Drak: A bard, a monk, and a fighter walk into a bar... Hayao: Not like that! [They race past a man wearing a propeller beanie] Bilko: Uh oh. Drak: [twitches] Uh oh? You know that man? Bilko: Yeah, he's a red dragon named Smaug. Looks like he's still under the influence of the Beanie of Alignment Change and Flying, but... Karin: Hmm. Do Red Dragons fear Jerry Springer? I could try 'Summon Idiot'. [nearly drops her book] Maybe I'd better not try to read and ride at the same time. [They burst into a camp, where Muffy and her crew are trying to hustle the sickly druids onto the flying carpet and get moving again] Bilko: Oh great, bandits are kidnapping the druids. Archdruid Yuil, we're coming to save you! Archdruid Yuil: I must be hallucinating. I could have sworn I...Bilko? [points at him and shouts] I thought you got eaten by Illithicandaros the Off-Mauve! Bilko: Don't worry! I'll save you from those bandits! CHARGE [spurs his horse ahead] Terri: Wait, we don't know if they're bandits! [yells] We come in peace! Wendi: Do you know these people? Archdruid Yuil: He's a dragon... [falls over and throws up again] Ugh, these medicines...can't see...bright colors...potato. [faints] The Slayerettes in Unison: A dragon? Muffy: [draws her sword] Okay, everyone stand back and... Wendi: [levels her broom] Fireballs coming on line! Vials: [waves his arms] No, not in the... [Wendi unleashes a spray of fireballs, but the broom kicks like a mule, and they fly about wildly, igniting large chunks of the forest] Vials: ...forest of the druids. Doordruid Morrison: o/~ The day divides the night, the night telemarkets during the day Break on through to summerside. o/~ Window Druid Tori: [a slightly chubby woman with wavy red hair] You...you...FOREST FIRE STARTER! [leaps onto Wendi and starts wrestling with her. The other druids try to help, but are too sick to do so] [The Company of Four (plus Five) scatters wildly to avoid the fireballs. Karin panics and conjures Summon Hail Storm. Hail begins to pelt down on the Slayerettes. Cordwood runs about howling incoherently, Blander pulls out his shield and uses it as an umbrella, Vials whips out a real umbrella, the druids on top of Wendi are pelted unconscious by hail, and Schnoz simply unstraps his Stratocaster +3] Schnoz: [playing his instrument and singing] o/~ All we are is dust in the wind o/~ [A strong wind full of dust picks up and blows the hail back onto the oncoming Company of Nine. Karin, Hayao, Andrew, and Angelina are knocked off their horses and tumble to the ground. Gimli, Bilko, Terri, and Drak charge onwards. Muffy moves to attack Bilko, but Terri cuts her off] Terri: Wait, this is all a misunderstanding! I recognize you! You must be Muffy the Dragon Slayer! Muffy: And that's why he has to die! [points to Bilko, who has just ridden past her] And I'm going to... [turns to run after him, but Terri leans down and grabs her by the shirt] Terri: I can't let you do that. Muffy: [reaches up, pulls Terri off the horse and slams her into the ground] You can't stop me. [Terri springs to her feet and kicks the sword out of Muffy's hands, then gets into a boxing position] Terri: He's a moron, but I won't let you kill him because you've got the delusion he's a dragon! [An all out brawl is now in progress all around them. Schnoz is dueling with Gimli, Blander is fighting with Drak, a groggy Angelina and Cordwood are trading insults in High Elven, Wendi is still trying to get out from under a pile of druids, and Vials is facing off with Bilko. And in the background, the forest burns] Muffy: [cracks her knuckles] You're good, but not good enough. [They unleash a flurry of blows at each other, but soon it becomes apparent they are very evenly matched] Terri: We could keep this up for hours, but there's ten dragons coming to kill us all! Now, come on, this is a mistake! Muffy: [stares at the amulet Terri is wearing] Hey, that's just like mine! [stops fighting] Did I die again and forget it? Vials: [has Bilko pinned on the ground at umbrella point] Perhaps it was a social death. Muffy: [sighs] There'd be about five new Slayers every day if that counted. Archdruid Yuil: [sits up] I feel much better. I guess that the medicine finally kicked in. [points to Bilko] As I was saying, that's Bilko the dragon robber. Vials: Hmm, I'd heard of the law of the obligatory fight between the good guys in a crossover, but I'd never seen it in action before. [makes a note in his journal] Sevian: I believe we're about to have the part where we get stomped on before our big comeback next. Look, up in the sky! Wendi: It's a bird! Karin: [groggily] It's a plane! Terri and Muffy: [in unison] It's TEN DRAGONS! [The view swings up to the darkening sky, which is crimson fading to black as the sun vanishes below the unseeable horizon. A huge red dragon with Alric riding on his back hangs over the trees next to an equally large green dragon, flanked by four large green dragons on either side, the whole forming a v shape. Beneath them, the forest is burning, illuminating their highly armored bellies] Terri: Angelina! Belt! NOW!!!! Angelina: [panicked] Magic Belt, take us where we need to go! Terri: No, tell it to take us to the... Magic Belt: *Bing!* Teleport destination selected. [There is a flash of light and the Company of Four (plus Five), the Slayerettes, and the Druids vanish, leaving ten irritated dragons behind] ************* [STILL: A dusty circular tower room with a large stone dias in the middle. A sword is stuck into the dias, and next to it is a large golden stand designed to hold a spherical object. A staircase descends downward along one wall, and the walls are lined with arrow slits. ACTION: With a poof of smoke, everyone who vanished in the last scene appears] Magic Belt: *Bing!* You have used up your mass teleports for the day. Thank you for using Ozma's Magic Belt. Sevian: Oh great, that Merlin bastard's gone and stuck someone into a hunk of rock again. That you, Mithra? Andrew: [sits up groggily] Where'd the forest go? Schnoz: [looks around] Whoa. Muffy: Where are we, Viles? Viles and Terri: [in unison] The Tower of Tall Sorcery in the ruins of Mordin. Built in the...hey! [they point at each other] Stop saying what I'm saying! Muffy: Are you like, your own Gamer? Terri: I'm a Game Master where I come from. [thinks] She's heard of gamers? Muffy: So you, like, tell yourself you can't ever have any fun? Terri: [laughs] That's my mom's job. [looks around] Well, if we have to fight ten dragons, this is the place to do it. This place was designed for killing dragons by the Old Ones. All we need is a... Archdruid Yuil: [pulls a crystaline sphere from his robe pocket] Dragon Orb? Karin: I still wish we knew why the Bhellom thought Morgath would be afraid of me. Cordwood: Probably your taste in clothing. Vials: [turns to his rather conveniently teleported with them portable library] Wendi, let's see if we can find out why Morgath would be afraid of...what's your name? Karin: Karin. Muffy: How long do we have before the dragons catch up? Sevian: Ahriman can't sense me at this range, so it could take them hours or days, depending on how far away from the tower we were before. Blander: [goes over to the sword] Can I have this? Vials: [without looking up] No. Balancer awaits the coming of the next hero destined to draw it. Blander: Yeah, but that COULD be me. [tries unsuccessfully to draw it] Cordwood: Silly human. This is how you pull a sword out of a stone. [tries to draw it, her hands slip, and she falls back on her butt] Oww! Gimli: [examines the rock] It says 'Only Princess Andromeda may draw forth this sword from the stone'. I guess we're out of luck. Bilko: Yeah. But we, like NEED this for the quest. I guess we'll have to go find the princess. Andrew: [sweats, then goes over and looks at the writing, which he can't read] This looks like gibberish to me. Gimli: [irritated] Those are good Dwarven runes, boy. Karin: [comes over to Andrew] Well, Princess Andromeda, wanna give it a try? Andrew: Dammit, I am NOT PRINCESS ANDROMEDA! [everyone in the room stares at him] I'm not. Really. Muffy: [to Terri] He's a princess in disguise? Terri: [grinning] C'mon, Andrew, try the sword. Andrew: [grumbling] Okay, okay. [nervously grips the sword and fluidly pulls it out. It shines brightly and a single bell note sounds. He pauses, then sags in relief] I was afraid...never mind. So what does it do? Terri: [shrugs] You can balance it on the point. Andrew: And? Terri: That's all. [giggles] Andrew: Oh great, I get the stupid item again. Hayao gets Champion, I get this stupid thing. Vials: [looks up] It's the sword of Cosmic Balancing. Those who bear it are drawn to it by seeming chance, and its powers aid them in setting the balance of things aright. Wendi: In other words, you're about to go through hell. Andrew: [shakes his head] We've already been through hell. Hey, I need a sheath for this... [draws his sword and thrusts it into the slot Balancer was in, then sheathes Balancer] There we go. [The runes rewrite themselves, unnoticed by anyone] Terri: Someone's gonna be REALLY disappointed when they come here. ************* [It is the middle of the night. Terri and Muffy are on watch duty while everyone else sleeps] Muffy: So you have to defeat four evil gods? Terri: [nods] That about sums it up. Muffy: Geez, and I thought I had a tough duty. If Vials had shown up and told me I had to fight evil gods, I'd have run for my life. Terri: [nervously] I sort of volunteered for it because I was bored. Muffy: [stares at her] Now THAT's serious boredom. Terri: [fingers her amulet] So you were born to do this? Muffy: That annoying destiny thing. All I wanted was to have a normal life, but no, my mother had to move to Umpor, and... Terri: [winces] Umpor has a gate to the Nine Hells under it. Muffy: I know. Ugh, do I know. Damn Tiamat kept sending dragons out of it to destroy the city, and I had to fight them all. What the Queen of Dragons is doing living down in the Hells with a bunch of Devils, I don't know, but Devils and Daemons and Demons and Demodands and Dark Potatoheads and Wombats of Fear and Flame just kept pouring out of that gate until we finally managed to close it. But not before Wendi ended up taking a Pit Fiend to the Prom. Terri: Ugh. Muffy: You've got that right. So what powers did Athena give you? Terri: I stomp on people. Muffy: [laughs] The usual. So what are you going to do when you finish your quest? Terri: Go home, I guess. I don't know, really. That assumes we succeed in this quest. [sighs and stares at the ground] I'm sorry to drag you into the middle of this. Muffy: [shrugs] Dragon fighting is what I do. Although this is rather out of scale from our usual fights. Terri: Tiamat had Hong Kong movie fight syndrome? Muffy: Eh? Terri: She sent her dragons one at a time? Muffy: Yes. Terri: It's a pity there's no way to summon just Morgath with that Dragon Orb. All of us together might not die horribly at his hands if it was just him. Muffy: [scratches her head] Maybe. Green Dragons sleep twice as long as Red ones. Which means we might be able to catch him while he's awake and they're sleeping. Terri: [laughs] I begin to feel a plan coming on. ************* [The next morning, shortly before sunrise. Everyone is awake and having a cold breakfast of dried fruit] Archdruid Yuil: [to Terri] Yes, I could take on a dragon's form with the Torc. In theory, I could use all of its abilities. I'm not very experienced with taking on the form of a dragon, though. Terri: Well, your main job is to make sure he doesn't manage to fly out of the dragon trap. Archdruid Yuil: I still think we'd be better off if we all cast Transport via Plants, went back to the City, and got an army. Muffy: You're the only person here who can cast that. Archdruid Yuil: Picky, picky. Karin: I still think we ought to try my idea about dressing up as Slaad. Terri: The Jello Slaad was a joke! A joke! Angelina: Well, we could try the Magic Belt. That would take all of us. Hayao: [flatly] Take us somewhere awful. Angelina: Hey, it brought us exactly where we needed to be to fight Dragons! Terri: Ahah! You can turn Morgath into a knick-nack as he charges the tower, and then he'll fall and break. Doordruid Morrison: [looking out a crack] Hey, the dragons are coming! Sevian: [thinks] But what about Ahriman? I should have felt him coming. Terri: What? But the greens should still be asleep. Vials: Dragons have the ability to defer sleep for days or weeks if they need to, then they sleep for days or weeks to make up for it. [Terri slaps her forehead in irritation with herself] Terri: [mutters] I knew that. Muffy: [shaking Vials] Why didn't you say something EARLIER? Vials: I was asleep when you made your clever plan. But never fear, I have a cleverer plan. Cordwood: It's a good thing I already made my will. *************** [Outside, the Dragons are circling the Tall Tower of Sorcery as storm clouds gather] Morgath: Hmm, this could be bad. If they know how to activate the defenses, you could lose all your children, and we could be injured to the point where killing them all would take too long to be sure of getting them all. Birnam: We'd all be launching a suicide attack if they knew how to activate its defenses. I should have checked Surinam's pockets for those druids before I let him go home to his lair after we sacked the City of the Druids, though. [sighs] Well, he paid for it. Ahriman: [there is a towel wrapped around him] I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. Birnam: Will you shut up, you stupid mace? You're driving me CRAZY doing that! Alric: It's the only way to keep Sevian from sensing him and realizing we're sneaking up on them. Birnam: They can see us from the tower windows unless they're blind. Alric: ... Ahriman: In that case, take off the towel so I can see. Morgath: I suggest then, that your children spread out and breathe in poisonous gas through all the view slits, while the two of us... [He is interrupted by five lightning bolts streaking down from the clouds and blasting him. He gives a grunt and passes out, plummeting. Alric's fall is arrested when Ahriman sprouts an umbrella from his top, and the two of them gently drift towards the ground] Birnam: I hate druids! CHARGE! [Then the Dragon Orb kicks in and the dragons all charge berserkly towards the tower. There are only four dragon sized openings (which now open up), and the dragons begin biting and clawing each other, fighting to get through them. With an effort, Birnam manages to throw off the spell, and pulls back to come around to breathe through one of the window slits] Karin: [standing a little inside the window, with two nasty looking socks on the floor that are radiating a yellow-green miasma between her and the window] Yui gory din gaborko! [spins about thrice as Birnam takes breath to breathe. Then her Wind Mastery spell goes off right as a cloud of chlorine gas erupts from his mouth. The winds blow it back in his face, along with the sock miasma. He coughs and chokes] Now, Angelina! Angelina: Magic Belt, turn this dragon into a Beanie Baby! [Birnam is unable to concentrate to resist, turns into a green dragon Beanie Baby and plummets] Karin, what IS a Beanie Baby? [All around them, the various adventurers are hard at work beating up the deranged, and now stuck dragons who have managed to wedge themselves into the dragon traps like fifties frat boys in a telephone booth] Karin: A great force for evil. Angelina: Was turning it into one a good idea, then? Karin: A great force for evil that doesn't fight very well at all. Angelina: Oh. [A little while later, the wedged-in Dragons are all dead or about to become dead, while the two adventuring parties, while slashed up and now heavily bandaged, haven't lost anyone. The druids are going around doing what they can to heal everyone] Sevian: Hmm. I think we have a problem. Drak: Oh great, there aren't MORE dragons coming, are there? Sevian: Well, you see...Ahriman was an evil Death god, whose followers made undead and... Terri: [in horror] No. Sevian: Yes. Muffy: What? Sevian: Well, normally turning a dead dragon into a Dracolich takes long complicated rituals, but when you've got a Death god handy to help out on the spot... Drak: [slaps his forehead] Oh just great. Why don't YOU ever have any handy powers like that? Sevian: I do. I can kill anything Ahriman reanimates. Only problem is...I have to hit it. Which means getting close enough to touch it. Doordruid Morrison: We can just call lightning on them again. Archdruid Yuil: Dracoliches LIKE lightning. Doordruid Alannis: [thoughtfully] I suppose the fact that I've been continuing to rain down lightning on their corpses is bad, then. Vials: You could say that, yes. Hayao: [fingers Champion] Well, we have Champion, which is designed to slay monsters, and Balancer, and two Champions of Athena... Smaug: [who steps out of the shadows] And me. My father's reign of terror has gone on for too long. If Muffy rides me... Vials: [instinctively] No nookie between... [Wendi pulls his hood down over his face] Wendi: Can it, Vials. Bilko: [thoughtfully] Can the Magic Belt turn people into anything besides knicknacks? Terri: Well, it also turns knicknacks back into people. What are you thinking? Bilko: You could turn me into a Silver Dragon with it, and then I could carry Terri into the battle. Gimli: You'd actually be useful for once. [Bilko sticks out his tongue at him] Terri: Well, it's worth a try. And the Archdruid could become another Silver Dragon and carry Drak with Sevian. Drak: Um, how about if... Sevian: We'd better hurry; they'll be ready soon. Wendi: What about the rest of us? Muffy: You ride your broom and provide air cover. The rest of you, just rain down arrows and stuff on them. Terri: Wendi, can you carry Karin too? Maybe she'll scare the Dragon somehow, evoke some fear...whatever the Bhellom was thinking of. Karin: [bangs her head on the wall] Ahah! I finally figured it out. Terri: What about you it might fear? Karin: [faintly] I have this 'Conjure Deepest Fear' spell that I forgot I had because the book is so full of dumb spells, it's easy to lose track of them all. Unfortunately, I don't have time to memorize it right now. Terri: ... Andrew: [to Schnoz] I guess we get to do the battle theme music. Schnoz: I'm used to it. *************** [Outside, we see Alric hastilly chanting and dancing about. He then taps the mangled body of Morgath, which lumbers to its feet, groggily] Morgath: [mumbles] I hate druids. Where's Birnam? Ahriman: Congratulations. You're now a dracolich instead of a smear. Alric: [points to the tiny cloth stuffed alligator on his shoulder] That's Birnam. Morgath: [rubs his remaining eye] He's awfully small. Alric: That woman has Ozma's Magic Belt. Morgath: A pity she didn't turn your mace into a knicknack. Ahriman: Without this 'knicknack', you'd be a smear! You'd be DEAD! Morgath: I feel like I'm half dead. Ahriman: You're undead now. And they're coming to finish the job. [From above, three dragons emerge from the tower. A fierce red (still wearing a beanie which has become humongous to fit on his head), ridden by Muffy, quickly spirals downward towards the dracolich below. A cautious silver, carrying Drak and Angelina spirals down behind him. And a bold but inexperienced silver, carrying Karin and Terri leaps skyward, then plummets off to the east, rapidly losing altitude and flying erratically] Bilko-Dragon: Dragons make it look so easy. Terri and Karin in unison: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Smaug: Father, I'm going to kick your ass! Muffy: And chew gum! Smaug: Gum? Muffy: I couldn't think of a good battlecry! So sue me! [Arrows begin to rain down on Morgath from the tower as he rises into the air to meet the oncoming dragons. They simply bounce off his armored hide. He collides with Smaug in the air, sending Muffy flying. Wendi zooms down on her broom and catches Muffy] Muffy: Thanks. Wendi: Morgath's got some vulnerable points where the lightning bolts put holes in him before. [points] If we had some way you could jump on him and cling to his side to get to them... [The silver dragon bypasses the dragon/dragon battle in the air and does a flyby on Alric, who is down on the ground. One whiff of paralyzation gas and Alric is out of it] Ahriman: Alric, get up, you idiot! Alric: [thinking] I should have known no one would really sell a decent magical weapon for five gold pieces. [Across the battlefield, at the edge of the ruins, Bilko-dragon crashes through a few buildings and into the trees. Terri manages to protect Karin from the worst of it with her body, but she takes a beating herself] Terri: Note to self; never let Bilko fly. Karin: Note to self; never ride a flying hobbit. Bilko-dragon: [mumbles] Like you could do any better. Terri: [leans against a handy wall] I couldn't have done much worse. [Karin falls off Bilko and throws up] [Smaug and Morgath crash into more buildings, levelling them, and grapple admidst the wreckage. The druid-dragon closes in] Angelina: Magic Belt, turn Morgath into a beany baby! [Nothing happens] Sevian: The undead can't usually be polymorphed. It's up to us, Drak. Drak: [whimpers] You sure you can kill him with one blow? Sevian: I can break the spell that made him a dracolich. Ready? Drak: [grits his teeth] Ready. [The druid-dragon zooms down at the same time as Wendi and Muffy do a flyby. Muffy and Drak, swords in hand, both leap from their respective mounts, swords first, dropping down onto Morgath. Their blades strike home into one of the great gashes in Morgath's side, and there is a bright flash of light. Morgath howls and crumbles to dust. The dust blows over to where Ahriman and Alric lay, then begins to reform into a dragon] Sevian: Oh bloody...Ahriman's linked himself to the dragon...only way to get it to stay dead is to destroy Ahriman. And since Ahriman can drop the link and kill off Morgath at any time, he'll have Morgath as his personal stooge. Drak: ... Muffy: So how do we kill Ahriman? Sevian: It's virtually impossible for mortals to kill gods. You could probably feed him to Jubilex, though. He'll eat anything. Drak: How are we supposed to beat him? Sevian: Well, the Sunsword would kill Morgath permanently; no undead slain by it could ever return. Champ...ahah! Get me the Magic Belt! ANGELINA, WE NEED YOU! [The druid-dragon lands nearby] Smaug: I don't think you can just teleport him into the sun; Father has very high magic resistance. Sevian: Hand me to Angelina. Angelina: [takes Sevian] Now what? Sevian: Magic Belt, send Morgath to the foot of Bahumat's throne! [The Magic Belt flares into solid light and fires at Morgath, who has mostly reformed. Morgath screams and turns into light, which expands into a circle which engulfs Alric and Ahriman, then fires off into the sky. The Magic Belt is now completely gone] Angelina: Hey, my Magic Belt! Sevian: I had to overload it to do that. My powers aren't very strong, but I can tap the magic already in things. But it destroys those things. Angelina: What if we need it again? Sevian: Better we lose the magic belt than our lives. Drak: So you really DO have powers besides being a loudmouth. Sevian: I really AM a god trapped in a sword. Drak: How come you never did anything like that before? Sevian: You had no magical items for me to use to do anything like that. Muffy: So who is Bahumat, anyway? Sevian: King and god of the good dragons. He owes me a few favors. [Archdruid Yuil reassumes his human form] Drak: Hmmm...how are we going to turn Bilko back to normal without the magic belt? Sevian: That would insinuate he was 'normal' before. But I assume the Druids can probably use the Torc to turn him back to normal. Muffy: [hugs Smaug, who assumes his human form] You're finally free of your father! Smaug: And Vials isn't around to stop us... Muffy: Run! [They sprint off together] Angelina: Wait, there's a.... Smaug and Muffy: AAAAAAAA!!!!!!! [They drop out of sight] Angelina: ...big hole from one of the lightning bolts over there. [They run over and see the two are down at the bottom of the large hole, unconscious] Archdruid Yuil: The course of true love never does run smooth. *********** [We see a triumphal celebration of the defeat of the dragons. The great hall bears a suspicious resemblance to the one used in the award ceremony at the end of Star Wars. Archdruid Yuil and all the other major druid leaders stand forming a sickle shape with the Company of Four (plus Five) where the holly would normally go] Archdruid Yuil: In recognition of your services to the forest, we will grant you the use of the Torc of Life for a year and a day. Use it well and wisely. And never let Bilko turn into a dragon again. Gimli: We don't plan to let him even touch it. Bilko: Hey! Archdruid Yuil: After this is over, come back and I'll give you some flying lessons, Bilko. Then it'll be safe for you to try it. [turns to Terri and hands her the Torc] Bear it well and wisely. Terri: [hands it to Angelina] Here, we got your belt trashed, so you can try using this. Angelina: But it clashes with my clothing. [The druids facefault in unison, as does the rest of the cast] *************** [We see the two adventuring companies at the gates of the city] Muffy: Well, we're off to hunt Boo the Black in the Great Swamp. Bilko: I've heard he eats five villages a day. Gimli: I've heard he destroyed five hundred knights from Thifor who tried to kill him. Blander: I hear he's a giant chicken. Wendi: He's NOT a giant chicken. Cordwood: I know a recipie for giant chickens. Terri: [shakes her head] Never heard of him. We're off to Umpor. Wish us luck. Muffy: You're not going to try anything crazy like descending into the Hellmouth and raiding Tiamat's lair, are you? Terri: [nervously] I hope not. Muffy: Good. I was going to tell you we've already done that before, so she's probably increased her defenses. Hayao: [shakes the Bhellom] Are we going to have to do that? [The word 'yes' floats to the top] I was afraid of that. Bilko: Ask it if she's still mad about the time I tricked her into eating one of her consorts. Hayao: ... Andrew: [balances Balancer on the tip of the blade] Hey, this really works! Terri: Well, good luck! Muffy: Good luck to you too! Blander: I tell you, Boo the Black is a giant chicken! [Iris out] End of Part Five. **************