Author's foreword: This will be a collection of fairly short stories; they'd be cartoons if I could draw better and always had a scanner handy. They will use the protagonists of my story Eternal Game, which is currently on hiatus until my inspiration for it comes back; I'm hoping this will jumpstart it. These stories can be considered to take place before the events of that series. Warning, this series assumes familiarity with the various RPGs being parodied. If you don't do RPGs, you're certainly welcome to read it, but you likely won't get the joke. A quick introduction to our cast: Terri—Resident Game Master. Noted for buying every game known to man and forcing her friends to try them all. Andrew—Resident Hunk, at least in his own mind. Karin's boyfriend. Only mildly obsessed with rock musicians. Karin—Childhood friend of Terri. Resident Babe. Only superficial on the surface. Hayao—Resident would-be Samurai and group artist. Paul—Terri's younger brother, force for evil, at least in Terri's mind. Lords of Gaming #1 "Last One Falling" By John Biles [It is Friday night, and our cast is gathered in Terri's living room. As usual, her parents are gone on a date for the night (with each other, so don't be evil-minded), and Paul has been told to go hang himself. He took the 'go' part of the order, anyway. Everyone is seated around the excessively large, very nice table, which is covered with a cheap plastic tablecloth so that Andrew can't destroy the varnish this time. Hopefully] Karin: [roots through the minature box] Where's my ranger? Andrew: The dragon ate her last week, remember? Karin: [knees him under the table] I was hoping everyone forgot. Terri: [hands her a character sheet] Here's the mage you rolled up. [passes her a minature] And here's your miniature. Hayao : I painted it myself. Karin: Thanks, Hayao. [examines it closely] Good detail work. Hayao: [smiles] Thank you. Karin: But Lady Clarissa Moonbow would NEVER wear such clashing colors. [Hayao deflates] Andrew: Are you SURE you wanna run a mage, Karin? I still remember the green slime incident. Karin: [frowns] You said to burn it! Hayao: With a torch. Not a fireball when Durin the Daring was standing next to it. Terri: Enough recriminations. Let's create some new bad memories, okay? [everyone glares] Geez, people, we're here to have fun! Now, as I remember, you were all in the process of exploring the Lost City of Jo Xanth. Hayao: [pales] Jo Xanth? Terri: [narrows her eyes] Have you been buying modules and reading them in advance again? Hayao: Wasn't that Harry Weatherwax's ex-wife? Karin: Who? Andrew: What's the creator of this game's married life got to do with…wait, is this the one I heard about where the designer's ex-wife is trying to become an evil goddess? Hayao: At least if Wombat Magazine #256's review was accurate. Terri: [irritated] Check your out-of-character knowledge at the door! [frantic scribbling behind the DM's screen ensues] Karin: Oh great, the last time you two idiots did this, the demilich turned into an undead level-draining tarrasque 'just to keep the sense of surprise fresh'! If I have to roll up another character, I'll…I'll…I'll make you read my mom's entire Harlequin collection, Andrew! Andrew: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! [screams and faints] Terri: Now that we've had the obligatory Andrew freak out of the evening, can we get started? Hayao: [puts his miniature of a well armored knight on the table] Sir Reginald Percy will take the lead as usual. He directs his four men-at-arms to flank him. [places more minatures on the table] The peasant may scout ahead. Lady Clarissa, take cover behind us. Karin: I have an apprentice, Melissa Eagleeye, right? Terri: Yes. Karin: [digs in the minature box and finds one] Excellent. [puts it next to her] I've trained her carefully. And THIS time, I made sure she has the 'human shield' proficiency. Terri: [sighs] You ready, Andrew? Andrew: Hey, Little Richard is NOT a peasant! He's a halfling noble down on his luck. Terri: [sighs] Whatever. Going to scout ahead? Andrew: Yes. Terri: [rolls dice behind her screen] You scout down the corridor. Just beyond the next intersection, the tunnel forward is blocked with a pit. Four long boards capable of spanning the pit are just beyond it. The pit looks to be a good thirty feet deep and ten foot wide. Andrew: Wait, where are we? Terri: Inside the old abandoned temple in the heart of the ruins. The idol of the Snake Goddess is somewhere in this building. Karin: [tugs a lock of her hair in irritation] Not more snakes. Hayao: Sir Percy has only contempt for the pathetic worshippers of the snake goddess, for his heart is pure and his faith in Saint Christopher is strong. Karin: Wasn't he the saint who turned out to have never existed? Hayao: [snaps] Oh be quiet. Karin: Don't make me use 'Transmute Knight to Potato' on you! Andrew: Especially since she doesn't have it. [to Terri] I go back and tell them what I saw. Hayao: I suggest that the peasant use his climbing skills to cross and tie ropes to the boards so we can use them to cross. Andrew: It's a trap. Terri would never make it that easy for us to cross a pit. Karin: It's a canned module. Maybe it's in the module. Hayao: Sir Percy fears no boards. Perhaps the peasant simply lacks the skills to accomplish this task? Karin: Yeah, you do suck at Climb Walls. Andrew: [petulantly] The boards are going to be monsters or something. Karin: Look, I'll cast 'Detect Monster' on them, okay? Andrew: Fine. Karin: [passes the following note to Terri] Lady Clarissa waves her arms about and fakes casting a spell, since he won't know any better. Terri: [laughs loudly and passes this note back] Fine. Tell them you detect no monsters. Karin: All clear. Go for it, Little Richard. Andrew: [cups his dice] Lucky dice, don't fail me now! [rolls the dice, and gets a 99] ACK! Terri: Time for the critical splatting table. Andrew: Hey, you said the pit was only thirty feet deep! Terri: [laughs] Just wanted to see you freak. Andrew: Hrmph. Terri: [rolls] 10 points of damage. But you get a +10 bonus to climbing out on the rough walls. Hayao: This is the man who once managed to punch me while I was holding someone immobile in that Cthulhu game. Andrew: Oh be quiet. [rolls and gets a 89] Terri: [rolls] 15 points of damage. Hayao: Sir Reginald leans over the side. "I take it you like it so much down there you want to stay?" Andrew: All right, I've had it. I'm using a charge off my ring of Jumping. Terri: [rolls] You make it out of the pit without banging your head on the ceiling and land on the boards. They shift slightly. Andrew: I knew it! They're alive! I draw my Dirk of Stabbing and have at them! Hayo: [to Karin] Have you been using paranoia inducing lipstick again? Karin: I hope not. [turns to Andrew] Get a grip, Andy. Terri: [waving her arms about excitedly] With four mighty blows, you lay waste to the evil lumber. It is no match for your puissant might. Unable to resist, all it can do is to be carved to splinters by blow after blow from the magical blade. Karin: You idiot! How am I supposed to get across! [whacks Andrew in the head] Andrew: HEY! I seem to remember someone who suggested taking refuge from the rain in the 'old, abandoned house'. I said no, and then we all got EATEN! Karin: The rain would have ruined Alisandra's hairspray! She HAD to get out of it! Terri: Enough! Enough! Look, the boards are trashed. How are y'all gonna cross this? Hayao: Luckily, all of my men took the Long Jumping proficiency. So they'll all just get a running start and jump it. Karin: I turn to Melissa. "Hold open my spellbook." I cast Jump on her and myself. Terri: Right. Hayao, roll for yourself and your men. Hayao: [rolls four times] Eight. Six. Five. Twelve. Terri: [checks a sheet] Made it. You gonna do it too? Hayao: Righto. [rolls] Seven. Made it. Terri: Unfortunately, Sir Reginald is wearing his bright shiny full plate armor. Which means a -7 difficulty to dexterity checks. Andrew: You tried to jump ten feet horizontally while wearing hundreds of pounds of armor? You have to be winched onto your horse, you know! Karin: I get ready to lower a rope to send Melissa down for his remains once we jump across. Hayao: Ack. Terri: [rolls for damage] Only nine points. Hayao: A mere scratch to a noble paladin. Andrew: Hey, why'd he take less damage than me? He weighs more! Terri: All falling objects fall at the same rate, except for air resistance affecting that. Weight is irrelevant. However, it does matter for LIFTING those objects. Getting Mr. 800 pounds of armor out of the pit is going to fun. Andrew: [sighs] I'm tossing you my ring of jumping so we don't spend eight hours on this like the last time, okay? Hayao: Thank you, lad. Andrew: I throw him my ring of jumping. Terri: Make a dex check. Andrew: [rolls] Ack, twenty. Terri: Hmm. Lemme roll on the 'Throwing disaster table'. Karin: Clarissa hits the deck. Melissa uses her human shield proficiency to protect me. Terri: [rolls behind the screen] Oh my. Karin: [rolls] Ack! A twenty! Terri: Cool, now I get to try out the 'Human Shield Fumble Table'. [rolls] Melissa trips over her own feet and bangs her head. Two points of damage. Hrmph, that wasn't very cool. Hayao: I close my mouth so I can't accidentally swallow the ring like I did in that Middle-Earth RPG campaign. Andrew: [winces] Don't remind me of that. Terri: Okay. Little Richard rears back and hurls the ring at high speed, forgetting he wants it to actually be caught. Andrew: I'm not THAT dumb! Terri: It flies PAST Sir Reginald and bounces off the far wall, then ricochets horizontally to hit the wall in front of Sir Reginald, striking an oddly angled bit which sends it bouncing up through the eye slit. It embeds itself in your forehead like a third eye. However, you can use it like that, but you lose one point of intelligence due to brain damage, and someone with the Cranial Surgery proficiency will have to extract it. Hayao: Is this going to count towards my allowable magic items? Cause I'll have to get rid of something if it does. Karin: ... Terri: I'll think about it. Anyway, get out of the pit and mark off that intelligence point. Hayao: [scribbles the changes] Right. I leap out of the pit. Terri: Dex check. Hayao: Ack. Eighteen. Terri: You sprawl on the floor, embarrassed. The hallway here is about fifty feet long, with archways twenty five feet away on both sides, and another one at the end. Dim greenish light wafts in through the doorways and... Hayao: How does light 'waft'? Terri: Be quiet; I'm being poetic here. Just pretend I'm E. E. Cummings. Karin: So, we should pretend a cockroach is saying this? Terri: Hrmph. Anyway, you can hear the faint beating of drums in the distance, and a mosquito flies in through one of the archways. Karin: STIRGE! I HATE STIRGES! Andrew: I think it's just a... Karin: I lightningbolt it with my wand, just to be sure. Hayao: I hit the deck with all my henchmen. Andrew: I hit Karin in the head. [whaps her] Terri: [rolls dice] It fails to dodge. Roll for damage. Karin: I'm using two charges, so 12d6... [rolls] Fifty four points of damage. Terri: A mosquito has 1/8th of a hit point, so it dies. The bolt keeps going through the open archway off into the distance. The drums stop. Karin: VICTORY! [gets up and does a little dance] Andrew: I bet the ASPCA is gonna send another assassin squad after us. Hayao: This isn't Top Secret, so we're safe. My men and I get up and go down the corridor. Whoever was playing the drums must have just been shot and might need help. Andrew: And might have something valuable. I follow him. Karin: Having finished my dance, I get Melissa to buff and polish my nails before I follow. That wand always makes me chip them. Terri: The archway at the end opens up into a vast chamber shaped like a pie with a wedge out of it. You are coming out of the apex of the wedge. About fifteen feet away is the statue of the Snake Goddess, which has huge rubies the size of Little Richard's head for eyes. The room has archways along the walls, decorated with carven snakes, every ten feet. The floor is tiled in alternating black, yellow, and green tiles. Andrew: Little Richard climbs the statue and plucks out the rubies. Hayao: Wait, peasant! I must banish all evil from this place, or you may be cursed! Karin: Are my nails done yet? Terri: Does Melissa have the 'Manicure' proficiency? Karin: Yes, she...[looks at the character sheet] Ack! I can't believe I forgot it! Terri: Roll with a -8 unskilled penalty. Karin: [rolls] Seventeen. Ack. Terri: Your nails are now off-mauve, and more chipped than a can of Ruffles. Karin: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Lady Clarissa faints for 1d6 rounds. I'm gonna go get a soda. [gets up and heads for the kitchen] Andrew: [eagerly] Do I have the jewels yet? Hayao: I begin performing an exorcism. [thinks] I send Edgar to look for the poor drummer. Terri: Roll Climb Walls, Andrew. Edgar can't find a drummer, but he does hear footsteps coming down some of the hallways. Andrew: [rolls] Fifteen. Cool. I made it! Terri: What do you pick them out with? Andrew: The trusty Dirk of Stabbing, of course. It adds +30% to my 'Extract Gemstones' skill. Terri: Right. You pop out the first eye into your hand as the poison needle held back by the gem pops out. Save vs. Poison. Also, save vs. spells as the curse of the Snake Goddess smites you. Andrew: [rolls] Fifteen, made the save. Save vs. Spells, come on, lucky dice... [shakes the dice in his hands and whispers to them] Hayao: Hey, what about my exorcism? Terri: Takes a turn, and he gets the gem before you finish. Oh, and Edgar says, "I hear people coming!" Andrew: Dice, don't fail me now! [rolls, and the dice fly across the table, crash into Hayao's dice, then crash into the miniatures, sending them flying] Oh man, I got a 3! Hayao's dice passed their bad luck to mine! Hayao: Dice luck isn't contagious! Don't be stupid! Andrew: Do I fall on the Paladin? Terri: [rolls behind the screen] Yes. You each take two points of damage. And you're paralyzed. Also, the statue comes to life. And now...a horde of bullywugs rush through the archways. There's at least forty of them. Hayao: Reginald shouts, "Men, form a defensive circle!" I send Edgar to go rouse the mage from her manicure induced torpor and come help us. We form up to defend our line of retreat. Terri: What about Little Richard? Andrew: He goes and gets a soda. [sighs] Terri: Tell Karin to hurry up. Andrew: Will do. [departs] Terri: Okay, so Edgar is going to get the mage, while the other three and you form a circle. Hayao: Will I lose my paladin status if I throw Little Richard to the Bullywugs? Terri: Yes. Hayao: [sighs] Damn. Terri: Okay, roll initiative. Hayao: [rolls] A six. Terri: [rolls behind the screen] You win initiative. [They run through various not very funny fighting stuff which will therefore be skipped. Three rounds of combat pass] Karin: [comes in] Sorry about that. Paul ran off with my dice bag and I had to chase him halfway across the house and spank him again. Terri: I'm starting to think he likes that. Karin: Anyway, what's going on? Terri: They're fighting a horde of bullywugs who've rushed into the temple. Karin: Sounds like a job for my wand of fireballs. FLAME ON! Hayao: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terri: Right. Roll 6d6. Karin: [rolls] Thirty. Hayao: ... Terri: The bolt of flame erupts into the middle of the frenzied mass of bullywugs, then explodes into a twenty foot radius sphere of flame, engulfing most of the heart of the temple. The bullywugs caught in the flames scream as their flesh fries away, leaving only skeletons that crumble to ash. Karin: Woo woo! VICTORY! [gets up and does her victory dance] Hayao: Um, Karin... Terri: Hayao, roll saves vs. spell for you and all your henchmen but Edgar, who is with Clarissa and Melissa. Hayao: [rolls] Four. Three. Six. Two. [scribbles on his damage sheet] Well, that kills all three henchmen and leaves me at -2 HP. I collapse, dedicating my soul to Saint Christopher. Karin: Sorry about that. I'll just give you one of my healing potions and you'll be just fine, Hayao. Terri: Unfortunately, the temple is a good sixty feet across, which means the bullywugs in the rest of the room are not baked. They glare at you, then charge forward, shouting the praises of the Snake Goddess. Hayao: Why are frog-men worshipping a snake goddess? Terri: Shh, you're unconscious. Karin: I...uh...I fireball them! Terri: Hmm. Looks like you're out of charges. Karin: I run for my life with Melissa and Edgar! They can cover my rear as I flee. I don't stop for ANYTHING! Terri: Back the way you came? Karin: Exactly the way we came. Hayao: [snickers] Reginald's ghost laughs. Terri: You're not dead yet. Although after I roll for trample damage...anyway, you run down the hallway. Remember that pit? Karin: ... Terri: You do now. You plummet, and take...eighteen points of damage. Karin: [scribbles] Oh great, I'm unconscious! Melissa climbs down and saves me! Terri: Time for a loyalty check and... [rolls behind the screen] Critical fumble! Time for the Betrayal table! Karin: ... Terri: [rolls again] Woo! She is tired of being your maid. She turns and kisses Edgar on the lips. "Let's run off together and get married!" Hayao: [glances over at Karin, who is in shock, then smirks] He says, "Yes, my darling!" Terri: She casts Jump on herself and Edgar. They jump the pit and run away together, leaving all of you to be captured by the Bullywugs, assuming none of you bleed to death first. Andrew: [comes back in with an RC cola] So, how'd things go? Hayao: The usual. Andrew: That bad, huh? [Iris out] Author's afterword: I'm trying to decide if I should stop here or keep going on this one. In the actual game I modelled this on, everyone died and they made new characters, so I stopped here. Lemme know what y'all think! John Biles