[We see a pool sitting in a streaky void kinda like those backgrounds you see during fight sequences. Well, the pool is actually surrounded by multicolored sands, but the sky is a streaky void...anyway, Purple Robes is standing by the pool, gazing into it.] Purple Robes: Blast it! I've failed again. [The vision of suicide in the water fades.] Purple Robes: That was my most miserable failure to date. At least SOMEONE was happy the other times. I should have known better than to choose Ranma. [For a while, all is silent, as Purple Robes simply stares into the water.] Purple Robes: I cannot give up. Nabiki did not give up when the time came...But I never had her strength. She was the one who had the strength to do what had to be done...to get rid of...my predecessor in this job. [Cue cheesy flashback special effects.] ********************** [We see a dark, shadowy library that seems to stretch to infinity, full of books, scrolls, crystal balls, computer terminals, tablets, leaves with scrawled words on them, tapestries, and many other forms of written records. Two figures sit in shadow at a table, one with a short haircut, the other with long hair. Their genders are indeterminate from this angle.] Nabiki: We have to kill him. It's the only way to undo what he did. Long-haired, taller figure: There has to be some other way. Nabiki: You saw what he did to Ranma and Akane! You think the two of us can FIGHT him? [We see Ranma and Akane, standing on a crowded street. The Nanban mirror lies on the ground near them. Akane is on her knees trying to stanch the flow of blood from her stomach with her hands. Ranma is crawling towards the mirror. His legs are broken in several places. As he reaches for the mirror, a booted foot steps on his hand and we hear deep male laughter.] Figure: [puts a hand to his or her head] But...a child. I can't kill a child! You can't punish someone before they're guilty. Nabiki: [pulls out a handgun] You won't have to. I'll do it. Figure: But...[splutters ineffectively] Nabiki: You think I LIKE THIS? That I want to put a bullet through a child's head? But it's the only way! We have to stop him before he kills us like he killed everyone else! He's gone...he's out in Time where we can effect him! We don't have much time! Figure: It will create a paradox, though...if he never did any of the things he did, how can we have known to stop him like that? Nabiki: If he tried to change history and succeeded, then how would he have been motivated to make the change in the first place? [waves the gun about] Why did he decide we all had to be eliminated from the timeline? How did he sense Ranma and Akane trying to use the Nanban to save Dad? If we knew what we were doing, maybe we could find a better solution, but we don't have much time before he finds us. [checks to make sure the gun is loaded] And if it comes down to him or me, it's gonna be him. I'll avenge Akane, even if you won't. Figure: Akane...[sounds wistful and sad, then begins to cry] Nabiki: I'm sorry I yelled at you. If this doesn't work...if I don't make it back...run. Don't let him get you. Don't let us be forgotten... [picks up a scroll and begins to read from it] Let the wheels of time reverse themselves. Let me be plunged into the river of time on the day my heart most desires. Figure: [stands up] No! Nabiki! There has to be... [Nabiki fades away, leaving the shadowed figure crying.] ****************** Purple Robes: I have not forgotten, Nabiki. I will never forget the sacrifice you made for me. You risked your soul so I could keep mine. I can't let your sacrifice be in vain! I have to find a way to undo what the damn bastard did completely! Always, something lingers of his tampering in our lives! I will NOT let him get the best of us! I won't! [There is a shimmering, and Yellow Robes appears.] Yellow Robes: You know, talking to yourself is a bad sign. Purple Robes: Go away. Yellow Robes: You'll never undo everything. For one thing, trying to keep Mr. Tendo alive forever will never work. Everyone dies in time. Purple Robes: He deserves to live out his life in peace! Yellow Robes: If you keep creating more and more timelines and stealing people from the main one to give them a creative vision, all of creation will unravel, and all your efforts will be for naught! [Yellow Robe's voice softens] Purple Robes: I have to do this! It's my duty! Too many people have died! [Yellow Robes looks at the pool.] Yellow Robes: Like what just happened? Purple Robes: BEGONE! [gestures and Yellow Robes vanishes] There has to be someone...someone with a vision that I can use. [gazes into the pool, and sees Kodachi ringed in by an angry Soun, Genma, Nabiki, Kasumi, and Kunou] Kodachi: I have NOT done anything to Ranma! Or those wretched girls! Kunou: It saddens me when you lie. Both Akane and my pig-tailed goddess are missing, and only you would wish to dispose of both of them. Nabiki: Get real, Kodachi. Ranma's fiancees have all vanished. Except you. Ranma is missing. Unless they've run off to all have a group marriage, I think it's pretty clear who is to blame. Soun: [in giant demon head mode] WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAUGHTER? Kasumi: You deserve a good spanking for what you've done! This joke has gone far enough. Kodachi: [starts to cry] I haven't done anything! All I ever wanted was to marry Ranma! You know I never really hurt anyone permanently! And if I had Ranma, I'd be flaunting him in your face right now! [gulps] If he's gone...I don't know what I'd do. Purple Robes: If she married Ranma...well, it's worth a shot...it can't be any more of a disaster than the last try...Arranging this isn't going to be easy, though. ********************* [Opening shot: We see the rooftops of Nerima at night. A thunderstorm is raging and howling winds are blowing. The camera slowly pans across the rooftops to the roof of a restaurant, "Beef Bowl #7". RYOUGA stands on the roof, down on his hands and knees, looking down at a delivery truck. Three men are busily unloading packages and taking them into the restaurant.] Voiceover [Ryouga]: I had been tracking this truck for weeks, waiting for it to make a delivery. It probably would have helped if I could keep it in my sights for more than five minutes at a time without getting lost, but that's another story. Finally, I had managed to find it when it was actually making a delivery. This time, I wouldn't miss out on the raid and get yelled at by my packmates. Ryouga: [opens fire on the deliverymen with a barrage of bandanas] Taste the wrath of Gaea, you Wyrm-tainted monkeys! [The deliverymen look upwards. One of them gets clobbered by a barrage of bandanas. The other two take cover and draw pistols. One of the restaurant staff charges out with a shotgun] Ryouga: [mutters] Great, this time, everyone else got lost. [runs back and forth along the rooftop like a character in a shooting gallery game, trying to dodge bullets] Deliveryman #1: We've got you now, you damn punk! [We hear a distant moo.] Staff #1: [reloads] Did I just hear something moo? Deliveryman #2: I'm pretty sure there's nothing still able to moo in our truck. Besides, pigs don't moo. [As Ryouga keeps dodging gunfire, the camera pans around to the truck. We can see the logo: 'Pentex Pork Council: Serving the Other White Meat to the Wyrm since 1905.' The truck suddenly rises into the air. A teenage girl with long red hair and large cat ears, dressed in a typical schoolgirl's uniform with a blue skirt and a red 'tie' has picked the truck up. She tosses it to one side and it explodes dramatically. A scrawny cow with blood-shot eyes and a mean look stands to her left and a huge pig, bigger than many humans, stands to her right. A girl with long black hair with white streaks sits on top of the pig.] Pig-Riding Girl: Nuku, take out the restaurant. Cow-chan, take out the deliverymen. Katsu-niri, take down the man with the shotgun. [slides off the pig.] GO! [The gunmen turn around, but not fast enough. The cow runs down one of the deliverymen, trampling him underfoot, while the pig crashes into the man with the shotgun, then sits on him. Nuku sprints off into the building. We hear much thrashing around inside.] Ryouga: [stops running back and forth] And what do I do, Akari? Akari: [looks up] Ryouga-kun! I thought we lost you in Hokkaido! Ryouga: [leaps down, casually landing on the second gunman] This was easier than I thought it would be. [The doors of the restaurant fly open and Nuku is thrown out the doors, over Akari's head, and lands just short of the burning truck wreckage. Three men and two women in dark black clothing, all smoking clove cigarettes and displaying overly developed fangs walk out.] Vampire #1: How quaint. Look at all the fuzzy animals. Vampire #2: Dammit, the rain put out my cigarette! [gets out a lighter, tries to light her cigarette, then her eyes lock on the flame] Fire! FIRE! AAAAAAA!!!!!! [drops the lighter and runs back inside] Vampire #3: You know, Meiko just isn't cut out for this. Ryouga: Foul servants of the Wyrm! We will destroy you in the name of the Moo...In the name of Gaea the Earth Mother! Vampire #4: Given that one of you is a cow, in the name of the Moo is just about right. Vampire #5: [pulls out an Uzi] Just hold on a second while I load my silver clip. [Man-Eating Cow, Katsu-Niri, Ryouga, and Nuku charge the four remaining vampires, while Akari begins to chant. A strong wind flings the vampires into the building, but also blows away Ryouga's umbrella. Instant Piglet.] Vampire #5: Oh no, it's a rampaging piglet! I'm sooooo scared. If werewolves are Gaia's rage, I guess you must be Gaia's sausage. [opens fire on P-chan, who starts dodging bullets wildly. Every bullet misses] Okay, I'll just rip you apart. [tries to grab P-chan, who bites him on the ankle. He dances about, and is unable to shake P-chan off, so he starts kicking the wall, using P-chan as an impact tool] Akari: No! Don't hurt P-chan! Vampire #5: Don't worry, I'll let you have some of the pork chops. [keeps slamming P-chan into the wall] Akari: I have had...ENOUGH! [pulls out a red crayon, runs forward and scribbles a rune on the vampire's forehead, then steps back] Now, you'll regret what you're doing! Vampire #5: Hey! You're wrecking my state of gloom using that bright color! What did you write on my head, anyway? Akari: Target. [P-chan leaps away from the vampire, and then a bolt of lightning stabs down from the storm, crisping the vampire to ash. We can see the rest of the pack has shredded the other vampires.] Nuku: Time for the victory celebration, I think. [They all form a conga line and start singing, "It's a Dark World, after all."] [Cut to Credits] *********************************************** Elseworlds 6: Rage Across Nerima By Night by John Biles The Kodachi Elseworlds. *********************************************** [STILL: We see a beautiful garden inside a greenhouse. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands of plants. Through an open doorway, we can see the entrance to a hedge maze. KODACHI is here, clad in her schoolgirl's uniform, busily watering the plants. ACTION: Sasuke runs in through the door.] Voiceover [Kodachi]: Little did I know on that day that one of the greatest missions of my life was about to begin. Sasuke: Mistress Kodachi, I have good news and bad news. Kodachi: Well? Sasuke: The good news is that I succeeded in delivering that tip to the Wrestling Pig Pack, and they destroyed that nest of vampires. Kodachi: And the bad news? Sasuke: [holds up his left arm, which is missing a hand] The cow chewed my hand off again. Kodachi: AGAIN? Isn't he getting bored of the taste of your hand by now? How plebeian. Sasuke: I think she likes the poisons you put on my hand this time. She looked happier than usual. Kodachi: Well, luckily, you came back here to our Horizon Realm, so I can heal your hand without those annoying Paradox spirits coming around to harass me. Also importantly, no one will be able to hear you scream except brother, and he's off chasing that annoying red-head again. [puts down the watering can she is carrying] You're type O, right? Sasuke: Right. Kodachi: Let's go over to where I keep Aubrey III. She'll appreciate whatever of your blood gets spilled beyond the necessary amount. Much more efficient that way. Sasuke: Didn't we do that last time, and you had to replace my entire arm afterwards? Kodachi: You're no fun. [pulls out a knife and advances on Sasuke] We'll just have to do this the boring way. Sasuke: [backs up nervously] Mistress Kodachi, please, I can explain! I...uh... Kodachi: [walks past him and goes over to a bush on which a bunch of vines are growing. She slices one off.] And what have you done this time? Sasuke: [gives a great sigh of relief] Nothing. Kodachi: [comes over and takes the bandage off the stump, then wraps the vines around Sasuke's arm, finishing by pricking the stump and her own finger, then touching the bleeding finger to the stump] Do you know what I'm doing? Sasuke: Swearing an oath of blood sistership with me? Kodachi: Only in my nightmares. You'll never make a good Verbena if you don't pay attention to my lessons. Sasuke: I'm not a Verbena! I'm your personal ninja! Are you having another episode of Quiet? Kodachi: I'm never quiet. You know that. [chants for a minute] Sasuke: [watches as the vines wrap around his stump, moving of their own accord, then fuse with his arm, transforming into a normal human hand. He flexes his fingers] It worked! Kodachi: I've done this for you ten times! Why did you come to me if you didn't think it would work? Sasuke: Yes, but all the other times, you poisoned me as well. Kodachi: I knew I forgot something. Any other news? Sasuke: The Nekohanten is having a special on 'Red Sauce Ramen'. I got some coupons for free food from this cute Chinese girl who was handing them out. Voiceover [Kodachi]: Little did I know that... Sasuke: Are you throwing your voice again, mistress? Kodachi: [mallets Sasuke] You're not supposed to react to the VOICEOVERS!!!! Sasuke: Oops. ****************************** [Cut to the Tendo Dojo. It looks much the same as in any universe, right down to the screaming match coming from the dojo. The view pans down to the door of the Dojo, then through the door, where we see KASUMI and NABIKI fighting a duel. Okay, maybe this isn't quite the same as ANY universe...The inside of the Tendo dojo doesn't look like a Steve Ditko drawn Dr. Strange story in most universes either. There are little floating islands of matter connected by strange multi-colored tendrils while strange patterns of color float with no apparent support in the background. Kasumi, dressed in a long white dress, and holding a golden cross stands on one island, while Nabiki, dressed in her purple T-shirt with the yellow and red intersecting hearts and blue jeans, stands on another one with a small table with a computer on it. AKANE, RANMA, GENMA, SOUN, and NODOKA float on more islands nearby, but NOT between the two.] Soun: No! Not a duel between my daughters! You make an old man cry! [begins to bawl] Genma: I'd be more concerned if this didn't happen at least once a week. Nabiki: [turns to face her father and Genma] Hey, I'm not the one who started a certamen duel over whose turn it was to wash the dishes. Ranma: [looks bored] This time. Akane: Kick Nabiki's butt, Kasumi! She always weasels out of washing the dishes! Nabiki: I do not! Kasumi: [closes her eyes and prays. Seven glowing spheres form around her, each with a golden symbol within them] I am ready. Nabiki: You sure you want to do this, Kasumi? Kasumi: Will you do the dishes if I don't do this? Nabiki: It's NOT my turn! Kasumi: Then let it begin. [One of the spheres drifts over to her hand and becomes a shield. A second one becomes a sword. The other four whir about Kasumi's head like planets] Nabiki: Hey, I'm not ready!!! [punches some buttons on her computer. [Six icons form near her in the air, each looking like a strange arcane symbol. Some of them are the same as the symbols in Kasumi's spheres. She reaches out and grabs one of them, which becomes a giant megaphone, while a second one forms into a suit of hi-tech armor. Nabiki rises into the air] Okay, now I'm ready. Soun: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Genma: Let the ancient and honorable rite of Certamen begin. Kasumi: [awaits Nabiki] Come and get me, naughty sister. Nabiki: Oh yeah, I WANT to come close enough for you to hit me. I don't think so. [flies into the air, then holds the megaphone to her mouth] Which one of us was the one who threw up in Dad's bed and never told him who it was? Who flushed Akane's pet gerbil down the toilet after it ate her hair rollers? Which one of us is the NAUGHTY one? [As she speaks, the words turn into solid kanji which barrage Kasumi, who blocks them with her shield, which glows brighter as it absorbs the words, but also slowly starts to darken in color] Kasumi: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. My shield of Prime can absorb anything you throw at me. Akane: So that's what happened to H-chan! [looks angry] Soun: I never knew! [looks angry] Nodoka: [quietly whispers to Ranma] It seems Kasumi has underestimated the power of Mind magic. Nabiki's greatest power is over words and getting people to believe her. Ranma: [nods] I know. All too well. Kasumi: [pauses and the sword turns back into a sphere, while a second sphere floats down and becomes a giant broom] Is that all you can do? Spew insults? Nabiki: Well, I did stash a frog down your dress. [Kasumi looks and gets clocked by Nabiki's kanji. Kasumi then starts squirming around as if there was a frog in her dress, though no one else can see it] Ranma: Didn't she use that last week, too? Nodoka: I think she likes that rote. Genma: It is an ancient rote of our Tradition, son. I taught it to her in return for a loan I needed. Ranma: How can one of the Virtually Inept use one of our rotes, though? Nabiki: [turns and shouts through the megaphone] I HEARD THAT! [The kanji batter Ranma, who falls over] Kasumi: [having recovered, now swats Nabiki in the head with the broom, which grows to fifty feet long in order to reach Nabiki] Never let yourself become distracted in combat. [the broom suddenly teleports halfway across the ...whatever they are in] Hey! Nabiki: You should know better than to swat an Adept of Correspondence with something. Kasumi: You should know better than to sleep with Ranma when a Disciple of Correspondence is watching. Akane: [leaps to her feet] WHAT????? Ranma: [leaps to his feet] I did not sleep with Nabiki when Kasumi was watching! Nodoka: What a manly son I have! Genma: Was she good, son? Soun: WAAAA!!!!!!!! Nabiki: [thinking] I should have realized she had come out of her usual zoned out state of Quiet when she actually challenged me to Certamen. [turns to the others] I did NOT sleep with Ranma! Akane: Not even when Kasumi wasn't watching? Nabiki: I'd rather sleep with Kasumi's broom! Kasumi: [prays quietly. Her broom zooms around and flies straight at Nabiki and clocks her in the head] You may get your wish. Nabiki: Just remember I can't wash dishes if I'm unconscious. I win anyway. [quietly passes out] Ranma: Hmmm. Good point, but not a way I'd want to win. Soun: [tries to rush over, and simply runs off the platform and begins to plummet] Nabikiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!!! Kasumi: [sprouts wings and flies down] Daddy! [catches Soun and flies up with him] Ranma: Next time, let's NOT have the duel in the Deep Umbra, okay? Kasumi: [blinks] Uh oh. Akane: Uh oh? Kasumi: Ummm...I just realized Nabiki is the only one who can get us back to our Horizon Realm in less than about a month. [laughs nervously] Luckily, she should wake up soon, but... Ranma: WHAT? Kasumi: Well, I can get us back into our realm, but Nabiki's the only person here with enough Correspondence to move us anywhere very quickly. Akane: Then how did you move the broom? Kasumi: I didn't. I kept continuously reshaping it until it was over by Nabiki, striking her. Soun: You've got to learn to use less vulgar magic, daughter, or you'll spend your entire life in a state of Quiet. Akane: She usually DOES, daddy. That's why she's normally so mellow...She's not in touch with our reality. Kasumi: [glares literal daggers at Akane, who parries them] I wouldn't have to get so much Paradox buildup if you two didn't TRASH OUR HOUSE all the time! Didn't you ever listen to Mom when she told us to take it to the Horizon Realm if we REALLY had to fight? Nodoka: Calm down, children. Nabiki will wake up soon, and then we can go home. Nabiki: [thinking] I wonder how badly they'll all beat each other up if I pretend to be asleep a while longer? Let's find out. ************************ [We see the Nekohanten. It is crammed to the gills with people, hungrily eating ramen. The camera zooms in on HIROSHI and DAISUKE, who are busily eating lunch. They are both dressed in pure black.] Hiroshi: [reading the newspaper] Hmm. Five bodies turned up dead last night with their blood gone and noodles in their hair. Daisuke: [repeatedly chanting and holding a clove cigarette in one hand. It finally ignites. He takes a drag] Cool. Let's go down to the morgue, play 'Dead can Dance' and reanimate them. Hiroshi: We already did that when this happened yesterday. Once could have been random chance, but twice... Daisuke: [takes another drag] Would be cliche. Okay, I get the point. I can't think of anything else dark and angstful enough to do. Hiroshi: [leans back in his chair] We could go taunt Gosunkugi over his having less Arete than us. Daisuke: You're using 'game terms' again, Hiroshi. You know the paradox spirits don't like that. Hiroshi: [opens the newspaper again] Well, we could try hunting down the vampire and then paint happy faces on his coffin after he goes to sleep. Daisuke: [takes another drag] I say we go get laid. Hiroshi: We never get laid. Not even in lemon stories. [An anvil falls on him, squashing him flat.] Daisuke: You just don't learn to stay in character, do you? [takes another drag, then finishes his bowl of ramen] They must have added something new to the Ramen. Last two time I came here, I felt a lot stronger afterwards. Must be this red sauce. Probably some Chinese magic or something. [casually picks up the anvil and tosses it out the window. We hear a car crash outside] C'mon Hiroshi. I gotta find a tire pump or something so I can reinflate you. [The camera pans across the crowd to the kitchen, where we see Mousse at work cooking. Mousse is busy mixing up a batch of a reddish sauce.] Mousse: [reading from a book while mixing a bowl and adding things to it] Corax's feathers, [adds some ground up black feathers] mermaid's hair, [adds some incredibly thin noodles] extract of Benny Hill's brain, [shakes an apparently empty bottle into the bowl] wombat claws, [drops some tiny black wedges into the bowl] and vampire blood. [pours some reddish liquid from a pitcher into the bowl and stirs vigorously] Hmm. Cologne's going to have go hunting tonight again. ************************ [Cut to the Deep Umbra. Ranma, Akane, Genma, and Kasumi are beating each other up while Nabiki tries hard not to laugh. Cut to the Kunou family Horizon Realm. Kodachi is standing in front of a large cyborg who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger and is hanging by his feet from a tree, just out of reach of a huge twenty foot tall Venus Flytrap. Well, to be more precise, she standing under the Cyborg, since his is over twenty feet up in the air.] Cyborg RKNEE-3: Resistance is useless. You will be assimilated. Kodachi: So, where's the Technomancer Chantry that sent you? I want to mail your remains back to them for burial. Cyborg RKNEE-3: What is your clearance, citizen? Kodachi: [bounces a gymnastics pin off his head] How long can you survive being eaten by a Venus Flytrap? Cyborg RKNEE-3: Computing. Kodachi: [sighs] I hate Iteration X's goons. You try to threaten them and they take it as a scientific problem to solve. Cyborg RKNEE-3: This unit would survive between 3.3 and 3.5 seconds, depending upon the age of the Venus Flytrap. Kodachi: LOOK! TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! OR I'll do something HORRIBLE TO YOU! Cyborg RKNEE-3: My pain sensors have been removed. I cannot be tortured. Kodachi: Sasuke! Sasuke: [pops out of a tree] Yes, mistress? Kodachi: Bring me Dad's home movies of my brother as a child. Cyborg RKNEE-3: Computing. Your brother is Tatewaki Kunou? Kodachi: Yes. Cyborg RKNEE-3: I'll talk. Ask me anything. Kodachi: Hmmm....Compute the best way in which I can get all those dreadful girls away from my one true love. Cyborg RKNEE-3: Insufficient information. Kodachi: What do you need to know? Cyborg RKNEE-3: Tell me about your true love. [Kodachi launches into a long rant, and we cut to the next scene.] *************** [We see Akane and Ranma busily raking the sand around the rocks around the pool around the fish.] Akane: Hmph. I don't see why I have to do this. Ranma: I don't see why I should have to do this...with you. Akane: Hrmph. [goes and rakes on the other side of the pond] Besides, hasn't this been done? Ranma: Different author, different point. Stop breaking the fourth wall, anyway. Akane: I'll break any wall I want to! Ranma: I thought that was Shampoo's schtick. Akane: Now who's breaking the fourth wall? [Shampoo crashes through the wall of the dojo and into the yard.] Shampoo: [dressed in a red chinese dress with purple flowers] Iya! Ranma come try some of Shampoo's new special red sauce ramen, right? Akane: Speak of the devil. Ranma: Is it fresh? Shampoo: Shampoo make it fresh just for you, ai ren! Ranma: Right. [drops the broom] Let's go. All this raking is making me hungry. Akane: Ranma, you're supposed to be raking, not running off to stuff your fat face! Besides, everytime she gives you free food, it's part of some scheme to warp your brain. Ranma: Actually, she very rarely does that in the manga. [An anvil falls from the sky, squashing him flat.] Akane: And you tried to lecture ME on breaking character. [thinking] At least this isn't as bad as the time he got that paradox backlash that caused him to change species at random intervals for three days. We nearly went bankrupt buying pet licenses. [Shampoo picks up the anvil and tosses it onto Akane, who gets knocked out. She drags Ranma off by his pigtail.] Shampoo: Stupid tomboy is no match for Chinese Bastet. Come, ai ren, time to blood bo...feed you. [She leaves through the hole, and Nabiki pops her head out the door of the house.] Nabiki: Looks like those spy cameras I put everywhere are starting to pay off. [yells] Kasumi, Akane's unconscious in the garden again! Kasumi: [from inside] I'll come heal her in just a minute. How much property damage? Nabiki: [yells] Standard Shampoo entrance/exit. Kasumi: [from inside] I'll come fix it in a minute. Nabiki: Now let's go see what we can do to make a buck out of this. [whips out her laptop and types, 'mv nabiki.va ../Ucchans/Outside/'. She turns two-dimensional, then one-dimensional, then shrinks to a point and vanishes in a tiny flash of light.] ******************** [We see Ukyou's okonomiyaki shop. Ukyou is hard at work, whipping up an okonomiyaki for a customer and singing merrily to herself.] Ukyou: o/~ Oh a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down o/~ Customer: [stands up] No! NO MARY POPPINS! You're destroying the mood of soul crushing ANGST! Ukyou: But I don't have any soul crushing angst. Customer: Your futile love for a man who will never love you should be leaving your heart rent in two, weighing you down with the agony of unrequited passion! Ukyou: What on Earth are you talking about? Customer: Your love for Ranma! Ukyou: What does that have to do with unrequited passion or soul-crushing anchors? Customer: Angst! Ukyou: You're welcome. [starts mixing the sauce, starts singing again] o/~ You light up my life o/~ Customer: How can you be so cheerful? The world is going to hell in a handbasket! How can you contain your rage at the oppression you suffer at the hands of the elder Vampires? How do you keep your bloodlust under control? How can you stand to be just a PAWN in the great Jyhad? Ukyou: What on earth are you talking about? I'm not a vampire. [adds some herbs to the sauce] Customer: [begins to pace round and round the grill] Then how can you contain your rage at the Wyrm's assault upon Gaea, your mother? How can you hold back the urge to frenzy when you see the sinking of all the world into endless darkness, the... Ukyou: I'm not a werewolf either. Customer: [pauses] Then how do you can you be so cheery when you're exiled from the Dreaming, caught up in a world where you have to pretend to... Ukyou: I dream every time I sleep. I'm not a Changeling, if that's what you're wondering. [sings and stirs the sauce with one hand and flips the okonomiyaki with her other hand] o/~ Girls just wanna eat lunch o/~ Customer: [walks over and pokes her arm] You're awfully solid for a wraith. Ukyou: I'm NOT a wraith! What even gave you that idea? [flips some pork and beef over, then puts it on the okonomiyaki and adds sauce, singing] o/~ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me o/~ Customer: [points] Ahah! You're one of those deluded religious fools in the Celestial Chorus, who thinks God is going to save them! Well, you're all... Ukyou: I can sing a religious song without being Celestial Chorus, just like I could sing 'Kung Fu Fighting' without being an Akashic Brother. Customer: [sags] Okay, I give up. What are you? Ukyou: Less depressed than you. [passes him the Okonomiyaki on a plate] Here you go, Mr. Haagen-Daas. Customer: That's Rein dot Hagen! Ukyou: Well, here, eat this and maybe you'll see the light. Mr. Rein dot Hagen: [goes off and starts eating his okonomiyaki] Hmm. I never did get around to gypsies or mummies, or...ahah, she might be ANOTHER kind of mage she didn't mention. [starts counting on his fingers as he eats.] [Nabiki walks in.] Nabiki: Hi, Ukyou. I've got a proposition for you. Ukyou: Sorry, I don't like girls. Nabiki: I meant a business proposition. Rein dot Hagen: [still counting on his fingers] Hmm. She could be Order of Hermes. What would a Hermetic be doing running a cheap restaurant, though? Ukyou: Technically, what I was referring to often is a business proposition. Like in that story where you... Nabiki: Are you trying to get Paradox points? Ukyou: Let's not turn this into another argument about who's breaking the fourth wall worse. I hate anvils. Nabiki: Anyway, for a free meal, I'll sell you some important news about Ranma. Ukyou: What kind of news? Nabiki: I can't tell you without rendering it valueless. Ukyou: Okay, I'll buy it. One free meal on the house. Nabiki: Isn't that redundant? Ukyou: The news had better not be. Nabiki: Fix the food first. I want to make sure I get paid. Ukyou: [as she whips up a chicken okonomiyaki] I hear the shape-shifters blew up some more restaurants and a pork truck recently. Nabiki: Yeah. It cost me a lot of money I'd invested. Bunch of lunatics running around babbling about the Wyrm. Rein dot Hagen: [glances over] You with the Syndicate? Nabiki: [starts] NO! I'm a Virtual Adept! [holds up her laptop] Can't you tell? Rein dot Hagen: Not doing a very good job of keeping up the Veil, eh? Nabiki: GAROU have the Veil. Do I look furry? Rein dot Hagen: [takes another bite of his okonomiyaki. His eyes start to glaze over] I understand now...all wisdom is hidden on page XX. I must find it. [gets up and staggers towards the door] Nabiki: What's with him? Ukyou: Hmm. I guess I won't be trying THAT particular mix myself. Nabiki: You know, if you keep experimenting on your customers, the Technocracy is going to find you, one of these days. Rein dot Hagen: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! AAAAAAAA!!!!!! [runs screaming out the door] Ukyou: I DEFINITELY won't be trying that one. Nabiki: Why do you drug these poor sods, anyway? Ukyou: It's part of my quest for enlightenment. In the Cult of Ecstasy, we seek 'Ecstasis', a state of escaping normal consciousness into a higher state where you gain enlightenment. Some of our group use drugs, others use sex, some watch TV until their brain rot...I come up with unique Okonomiyaki combinations. For example, mixing pineapple, garlic, anchovies, pork, and pepperoni with a light white wine and mustard sauce is a good way to achieve the state in which you can see into or enter the Umbra. Nabiki: I hope they have bathrooms in the Umbra for when you throw up afterwards. Ukyou: I never said it was a perfect method. [hands Nabiki her okonomiyaki] Nabiki: [pulls out a 'salt shaker' and attaches it to her computer by a phone wire, then runs it over the food while watching the screen] Hmm. Ukyou: Hey, I didn't do anything special to yours! Nabiki: Just wanted to be sure. I've been all over the Umbra, and finding a bathroom worth using there is a pain. [takes the first bite] Excellent as usual. Anyway, Shampoo's kidnapped Ranma. She's carried him off to her restaurant and is probably pumping him full of interesting stuff like Mr. Rhine dot Haagen-Daas had, but with a slightly different goal. Ukyou: [grabs her spatula] Right. Time to go punish Shampoo in the name of myself. Nabiki: Want me to close down for you? Ukyou: Sure. Make sure you find Tsubasa and throw him out. Nabiki: [punches in 'mv Tsubasa.pho ../..Tokyo/Bay/Middle'. A table vanishes, and far off, there is a distant faint splash] Anything else? Ukyou: Now if you'd just invent a TV where I could push a button and make the head of whoever I'm watching explode... Nabiki: How much are you willing to pay for one? ****************************************** [Cut to the Unryuu Pig Farm, also known as the 'Wrestling Pig Caern' to the changing kinds. Imagine a cross between a forest glade, a pig wallow, a Wrestlemania arena, and the Japanese Mountains. Now do it while smoking pot. That's what this is like. Man-Eating Cow is busily patrolling the outskirts, while Katsu-Niri, Akari, Nuku-Nuku, and Ryouga have a council of war.] Akari: Shampoo and Mousse should be here by now. Nuku-Nuku: Nuku thinks they missed our last two meetings. Didn't you go to see what was wrong, Ryouga? Ryouga: [hands everyone Tiki dolls] And I got some nice souvenirs for everyone on the trip. Akari: In other words, you didn't come with a thousand miles of the Nekohanten. Ryouga: This place is within a thousand miles of the Nekohanten, right? Katsu-Niri: Oink oink oInk, oinK. {I think we should have sent Nuku-chan.} Nuku: Where's the Angry Tusk pack, anyway? Shouldn't they be here too? Ryouga: They're liberating some of our brothers in Hokkaido. Don't worry, Babe doesn't get lost like me, and he's in charge. Akari: Well, we need to start hunting for this vampire who's been leaving noodles behind as a trademark. Nuku: Nuku likes noodles! Ryouga: Can you try scrying for the vampire, Akari? Akari: I can certainly try. [leaves, then returns with some noodles and a mirror. She puts the mirror on the ground, then spreads the noodles around it, forming them into various Norse runes. She then dances the funky chicken around the mirror, widdershin, seven times] o/~ Sacred spirit of the chicken, guide us to see what's cooking o/~ Ryouga: [tries very hard not to laugh, mumbles] I'm glad I don't have to do anything like that. [An image forms in the mirror, showing Ucchans at night.] Akari: Ahh, that is where the Vampire will strike tonight. We must prepare to be there and be ready. Nuku: [grabs Ryouga] This time, you're not getting out of Nuku's sight. Akari: I must prepare myself. And someone let Cow-chan know about the plan. [takes the mirror and noodles and goes] **************** [Back at the Kunou Horizon Realm, Kodachi is listening to RKNEE's suggestions.] RKNEE: I still think handing him over to the White Tower for conditioning would be more effective than blowing up all of Tokyo to kill off the other women. Kodachi: The White Tower would reprogram him to hunt us all down. RKNEE: I didn't say it was a perfect plan. Kodachi: Sasuke, bring the TV and VCR. RKNEE: Okay, okay, I'll give you a REAL plan! Defeat the vampire that has been terrorizing the town. That will show everyone you are the best potential wife for him. Kodachi: Ahh! Now that's a plan I like. Tell me more. RKNEE: It's killed dozens of people. We believe it is a powerful Methusalah. Kodachi: Did someone hold a requiem for it? RKNEE: [ignores that comment] You do know what a Methusalah is, right? Kodachi: He was on the old Star Trek I believe. RKNEE: No, a Methusalah is a very ancient vampire, hundreds of years old and very powerful. Kodachi: No problem. I can take him. RKNEE: Her. Kodachi: What does the vampire look like? RKNEE: I don't know. I just know that if you have fangs, you're a reality deviant and must be purged for the good of humanity. Kodachi: Doesn't your possession of lots of metal body parts make you a bit of a reality deviant? RKNEE: No. Kodachi: Why? RKNEE: Because I say so. Kodachi: I'm starting to like you. RKNEE: So you'll let me go? Kodachi: I'll save you for my mostly non-fatal experiments. Sasuke: That's a great honor! Even I don't get that much respect! RKNEE: [computes the appropriateness of crying, but his internal computer rejects that option] Ack. ********************* [Cut to the Nekohanten. It looks much the same in the universe as any other, except for the druggies and wastrels littering the streets outside and the heavy haze of smog over the city. Inside, though, it's the usual nice little Chinese restaurant. The song 'I like Chinese' is playing on infinite loop in the background.] Ranma: [munching on red sauce ramen] Wow, this stuff is good! Shampoo: Eat all you want, we'll make more. Mousse: [comes out of the kitchen and embraces Ranma] Shampoo, we're out of the special ingredient for the red sauce. Ranma: [boots Mousse into the kitchen] I am NOT Shampoo! Shampoo: Well, great-grandmother will get more tonight. Ranma: So what's your great-grandmother like? I've never met her, even though she's been here for weeks. Shampoo: Great-Grandmother worked all night, so now she sleep all day. Mousse: She's so ugly, she makes me happy I can't see very well. [The doors fly open and Ukyou runs in.] Ukyou: RANCHAN! [sprints over to Ranma] What has she been poisoning you with this time? Ranma: It's pretty good, actually. You want some, Ucchan? Shampoo: [hands Ukyou a bowl] Try it. You'll like it. Ukyou: [blinks] What, you're giving me free food? Shampoo: Shampoo feel generous. Shampoo throw in Mousse with meal if you want him. Mousse: SHAMPOO! Shampoo: Heck, Shampoo pay you to take him. Mousse: [starts to cry] How can you be so cruel? Shampoo: It comes naturally. Stop crying, you're out of character. Mousse: Right. SAOTOME, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! Ranma: What is my fault? Mousse: The...ummm... I'll be right back. [leaves] Ukyou: [eyes the ramen warily] How do I know you haven't poisoned this? Shampoo: [eats some of the Ramen] See, it's harmless. Ukyou: Well, in that case... [sits down and eats some ramen. Shampoo grins.] ******************* [The streets of Nerima at night. We see Kodachi moving from roof to roof, clad in her usual black leotard. Kunou and Sasuke are leaping along after her.] Voiceover: [Kodachi] After the home movies reduced the Cyborg's mind to the consistency of over steamed Broccoli, I set out to hunt the vampire. I brought along my cannon fod...assistants. I had performed a ritual rune-casting and determined that the vampire would strike at Ucchan's Okonomiyaki next. Sasuke: If that's where we're going, I think I'll get a beef okonomiyaki. I'm HUNGRY! Kunou: [lightly bops Sasuke with his bokken] Methinks thou will call down the forces of Paradox upon us if thou continuest in thine course of responding to voiceovers, mine servant. Sasuke: Oh, I thought Mistress Kodachi was talking to me. What's a cannon fod, anyway? Kodachi: [leaps onto the next roof and sits down] It's a term of affection. Sasuke: Really? Kodachi: No. It actually means you need to put on this shirt. [hands it to Sasuke. It reads, 'I am Type A, no diseases. Insert fangs in neck for snack.'] Sasuke: [puts it on.] Isn't this dangerous to wear with vampires around? Kodachi: That's why I'm not wearing it. Kunou: So the plan is to use Sasuke to draw out the vampire? Kodachi: Yes. Kunou: [looks down and sees they are across the street from Ucchan's Okonomiyaki] So we will wait here and watch, then strike? Sasuke: What if it bites me? Kodachi: You've survived losing your hand ten times to the same cow. Being bitten by a vampire is nothing. Sasuke: True. [leaps down to the ground and begins wandering around] o/~ La la la la la o/~ Kunou: [spots a blur entering the okonomiyaki shop] Hmm. I think it may have just entered the shop. Kodachi: After it drinks all of Ukyou's blood, it should be gagging on it, and then we'll strike. Kunou: I cannot allow such a monster to strike such a fair maiden. Kodachi: [points off down the street] Look, another vampire is carrying off Akane! Kunou: [sprints off that way] I'm coming to save you! Kodachi: Now we wait. Sasuke: o/~ La la la la o/~ [wanders around, trying to look tasty] Kodachi: And struggle to keep our sanity. ********************* [Cut to the Tendo Dojo. Akane is practicing some katas in the training hall.] Akane: [kicks the heads off three dummies that resemble Ranma, Shampoo, and Ukyou] Now, how can I get the three of them to stand that close together in real life... Kasumi: [enters] Can I ask a favor of you, Akane? [her voice sounds deeper than usual and her vision seems a bit glazed] Akane: Kasumi-chan, are you sinking into Quiet again? Kasumi: If you and Ranma-kun have mad passionate sex again tonight, can I join you? I'm feeling bored. Akane: [thinks] This is not her usual Quiet. She must have performed some extremely vulgar magic when she was fixing everything. I really ought to learn some Matter magic so I could help her. [says] I'm still a virgin, Kasumi. I think you're slipping into Quiet again. Kasumi: Oh, that wasn't you he was with last night? Akane: [thinks] If she's not hallucinating that part, I'm going to KILL Ranma. [says] I think you dreamed that. Kasumi: Well, do you mind if I take him if you don't want him? Akane: Where is he? Kasumi: I think he went off to Ukyou's. She said she'd found a cure for his curse or something. Akane: REALLY? Kasumi: [wanders over to the dummies and hums a little tune. The heads fly back onto the dummies, which turn into highly realistic mannequins of Ranma, Shampoo, and Ukyou. Her eyes glaze over a bit more.] Looks like they're right here. Did it work, Ranma-kun? Akane: [drags Kasumi off] FATHER! Kasumi's sinking into a really BAD Quiet this time! ********************* [Ukyou and Ranma are in Ukyou's bedroom. He is sitting on her bed watching TV, while she is cooking something on the portable grill.] Ranma: So how is watching TV going to get rid of this stupid curse of mine? Ukyou: Paradox flaw. It's a permanent Paradox flaw, not a curse. Curses use Entropy, not Life. Ranma: [rolls his eyes] Whatever. Is this movie supposed to bore my paradox flaw to death? Ukyou: You could change the channel, you know. Ranma: [puts on the Martial Arts Channel and watches someone punch their way through a mountain] Much better. Anyway, so what's the cure? Ukyou: [finishes the okonomiyaki] Here, eat this special okonomiyaki. It should cure your paradox flaw. Ranma: [starts eating] It can't be this easy. Ukyou: It's my secret ultimate recipe. Ranma: [starts to gag] This is WRETCHED! Ukyou: You have to eat it all. Medicine always tastes bad. It's a law of nature. Ranma: [chokes it down] Bleah. [Ukyou dumps a bucket of water over him. Nothing happens.] Ukyou: See! It worked! Ranma: [leaps to his feet] I'm cured! Ukyou: [smiles] Yep! Ranma: [rushes over and kisses Ukyou passionately] Now we can be married my darling! Ukyou: Mmmmmmmmmmmm. [kissing madly] Ranma: You have such wonderful dreams. So much glamour. Ukyou: Mrr? [opens her eyes. She is kissing Tsubasa, who was hiding inside the matress of her bed. Tsubasa has big bunny ears] Tsubasa: You know, you shouldn't fantasize while you cook. [We see the okonomiyaki on the grill is on fire. Ukyou dreamed the whole thing. She rushes over to save it.] Ranma: Hey, how did you get in here? Tsubasa: Thanks for the glamour, Ukyou-sama. I needed a recharge and your dreams are the best source of it I can find. Ukyou: I kissed a bunny! BLEAH! [wipes her lips and tries to put out the food fire] Tsubasa: I'm a Phooka, not a BUNNY! Well, okay, I'm a bunny Phooka, but that's another story. Ranma: [punts Tsubasa out the window] Now pretend you're a BIRD Phooka! [turns to Ukyou] So what's this cure you found? Ukyou: [starts cooking a fresh okonomiyaki] Well, since you vetoed trying the Tantric cure... Ranma: I would if this was a lemon story, but it's not. [A tiny cloud forms and lightning bolts him. He turns black and crispy for three seconds] Anyway, what does this do? Ukyou: It's a special Okonomiyaki for preventing shapechanging. It uses hair from a werelemur and silver nitrate in the sauce. Ranma: Isn't silver nitrate poisonous? Ukyou: That's why I added my special poison antidote to it. Now, I just have to grind up this tass. [grinds some purple mushrooms and adds them to the sauce] Ranma: You ground up an anime club from New Mexico? Ukyou: Tass, not TASS, Ranchan. Solidified Quintessence. I traded some of my hallucinogen Okonomiyaki at the last CoE meeting I went to in order to get it. Ranma: This won't cause Wrinkle to appear like the last time you tried to cure my cu...paradox flaw, will it? Ukyou: No Time magick, this time. You'll be just fine. [finishes the Okonomiyaki] Here you go. Ranma: [eats it quickly] Hmm. Not bad. Ukyou: It should taste horrible. Ranma: It was really yummy. Ukyou: Uh oh. Ranma: Does this mean you did something wrong? [Cologne, looking like her usual twisted ugly self, steps out of the shadows behind Ukyou. Ranma sees her, but Ukyou does not.] Ranma: Ahh! WRINKLE! You lied! He did show up! Cologne: I am not Wrinkle! Ukyou: [turns around] Wrinkle isn't that short, Ranchan. Cologne: How did you people see through my level 6 obfuscate anyway? Ranma: You forgot to cross your arms in front of yourself so we'd know. Ukyou: This isn't a live action game, Ranchan. Cologne: Let's try this again, okay? Ranma: Right. [Cologne crosses her arms in front of herself and steps back into the shadows.] Ranma: [thinks] Where were we? Ukyou: [hopefully] I think we were kissing. Ranma: Right. [sweeps Ukyou into an embrace. They begin to kiss passionately] Cologne: [slips out of the shadows and walks over to Ukyou, then mutters] Hmm. I can't reach her neck without uncrossing my arms so I can climb up to her neck. Oh wait, there's a major vein on the ankle...jeez, this is embarrassing. [kneels down and bites into Ukyou's ankle with her fangs and starts drinking Ukyou's blood, thinking] Hmm, tastes like chicken. Ukyou: [moaning] Oh, Ranma...more....more... Ranma: [stops kissing Ukyou] More what. [pauses] Wait, why were we kissing just now? Ukyou: [eyes glazed over] Feels so good... Ranma: Ucchan, are you having an attack of Quiet? You're not making any sense. Ukyou: [lost in a full blown hallucination] Never realized you had a foot fetish, Ranchan.... Ranma: [lets go of Ukyou] You don't normally do this when we kiss. [pauses] Actually, I don't think we ever have kissed before. [pauses] I do NOT have a foot fetish! [looks at Ukyou's feet, but doesn't see Cologne due to her high level of Obfuscate, so he drags her across the room, smacking Cologne into the bed as he puts Ukyou down on it.] Cologne: [whacks Ranma with her staff] That HURT, boy! Ranma: Ahh! WRINKLE! [drops into a fighting stance] You won't take me alive! Cologne: [wipes her lips] Call me great-grandmother-in law, boy. Ranma: My great-grandfather married a PARADOX SPIRIT? Jeez, and I thought dad's side of the family was a mess... Cologne: I am not married to your great-grandfather! He's dead! Ranma: So I'm not descended from a Paradox Spirit? Cologne: I AM NOT WRINKLE! Ranma: Are you an animated prune then? Ukyou: [mumbles] I feel so weak. Ranma: Then what are you talking about? Cologne: You'll find out soon enough. Anyway, I have to finish draining this girl of her blood. We can chat later. Ranma: [gets into a fighting stance again] I won't let you kill Ucchan! I guess you're just an ugly vampire. Cologne: We prefer the term Nosferatu. Ranma: So you're German? Cologne: [sighs] Come and get me, boy. Ukyou: [tries to sit up] I feel so drained. Did we do something naughty? Ranma: No. Ukyou: Oh. Wake me up when we do. [passes out] Ranma: You evil tree-frog! [leaps at Cologne, unleashing a barrage of attacks] Face the wrath of Saotome style Anything Goes Do! Cologne: [blocks every attack with ease, then yawns.] Anything Goes D'oh? You were trained by Homer Simpson? Ranma: [drops low and tries to sweep Cologne's legs, kicks her in the stomach instead] That's DO! The Akashic Martial art! Cologne: Not as in doe, a deer, a female deer? [vaults over Ranma, tapping his forehead as she passes, then whacks him in the back of the knees, sending him sprawling] You cannot hope to beat me, great-grandson in law. Ranma: [staggers to his feet] I won't let you hurt Ucchan! Cologne: You can't stop me, boy. [unleashes a barrage of attacks, which Ranma narrowly dodges] Ranma: Looks like you can't hit me either. Cologne: There's more tricks where that came from. [vaults up onto his head again, then leans down and gazes into his eyes] Sleep. Ranma: [his eyes begin to glaze over] No...can't sleep. Wrinkle will eat me. Cologne: I AM NOT WRINKLE! Ranma: Actually, I was thinking of the paradox spirit that looks like a psycho clown...what's his name again? Cologne: [starts malleting Ranma's head repeatedly] When in doubt, pound it out. [As Ranma falls to his knees, the ceiling suddenly breaks open in a spectacular explosion. A cow, a huge pig, Nuku-Nuku, Ryouga, and Akari look down through the hole.] Akari: Sorry about the hole, but we needed a dramatic entrance. Ranma: [clutches his head] Got any Excedrin? Akari: No, but I could try circling you three times and invoking the Goddess of the Moon. Ranma: Can you get this fomori off my head first? Cologne: I am not a ... [gets whacked in the head by one of Ryouga's bandanas] Ryouga: Oh, that's a fomor? I thought it WAS your head. Ranma: Laugh it up, pork rind. Cologne: I'm a Vampire! Not a Fomor! Not Wrinkle! Not SHERIFF LOBO! [jumps off Ranma's head and flashes her fangs] See! Fangs! I'm a Nosferatu Vampire from China! OKAY? Man-Eating Cow: MOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {I like Chinese food.} Ryouga: And we're the local lycanthropic welcome wagon. Akari: And Wendy...I mean, Akari, the good witch. Cologne: I guess tomorrow's special is going to be pork. [whips out a bowl of ramen] NOODLE STORM! [the noodles fly up through the hole and entangle the entire pack, except Akari] Akari: Not bad, but since when did Vampires control noodles? Cologne: I developed my own unique and tasty discipline through years of careful study. It's actually a thaumaturgic path. I have to make the noodles using my own blood as an ingredient. Ranma: BLEAH. I guess they won't be eating their way out. Cologne: So, girl, how did you avoid my noodles? Ranma: How can you keep a straight face while you say that? Akari: [starts making a tiny doll out of stray noodles] I stood behind Ryouga and he protected me. Ryouga: [struggles] Are you sure you didn't add some IRON to the mix for these noodles? Cologne: Anyway, I need to be finishing taking that girl's blood. [turns to Ukyou] Ranma: [punts Cologne into the wall] I won't let you... Cologne: You won't have a choice. [leaps up and whips out a mallet, knocks Ranma out] Much better. Akari: [still making the doll, which resembles Cologne] Path of Conjuration? Cologne: [nods] Now to feed on that blasted girl some more. Akari: You're not going to do anything to me? Cologne: Go play with your doll. [The door opens and Kodachi enters] Kodachi: I won't let you feed on my one true love! Cologne: You're in love with Ukyou? Kodachi: Wait, you're not about to drain Ranma dry? Cologne: No, I'm going to drain Ukyou's blood, then turn her into an ugly vampire like myself. Kodachi: Oh, go right ahead. I'll just be taking Ranma-sama with me. [picks up Ranma and runs off] Cologne: Well, as I was saying... [clambers up onto the bed where Ukyou is sleeping] Akari: Can I bother you for a light? Cologne: Since when did vampires carry cigarette lighters? Ryouga: One of the ones in the first scene did. [An Anvil starts to fall from the sky towards him.] Ryouga: Yo, stupid, I'm a werecreature. No paradox. [The anvil turns around and flies back up out of sight.] Akari: [goes over to Man-eating Cow] I hear they opened a new McDonalds in town. [Angry sparks shoot from Man-eating Cow's eyes, igniting the little doll on fire that Akari is holding up to the cow's eyes. It bursts into flame. So does Cologne.] Cologne: FIRE! FIRE! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! [runs off screaming, out the window the same way Kodachi went] Akari: Quick, everyone, we have to follow her! Nuku-Nuku: Can you get Nuku loose first? Nuku can't move. Akari: I knew I forgot something. ********************************* [Ranma comes to. He is lying in a bed in the middle of a beautiful garden.] Ranma: [rubs his eyes] What a weird dream. I think Ucchan must have used that peyote Okonomiyaki recipe again... Sasuke: [pops up next to the bed from behind a sunflower] Ahh! You're awake! Ranma: Oh great, this must be Kodachi's garden. [thinking] I wonder how much of anything I remember really happened... Sasuke: It was all real. Ranma: Since when did you read minds? Sasuke: Oops, I goofed again. [sprints off, dodging falling rocks] Ranma: [clambers out of the bed and heads off across the garden] I've got to find Ucchan before that ugly thing finishes her off. [starts running] Kodachi: [runs up alongside Ranma] Hello, Ranma-sama! Enjoying a morning jog? Ranma: How do I get out of here? I have to find Ukyou before it's too late! Kodachi: Too late for what? I'm sure you have a few days before the funeral. Ranma: She...she's dead? Kodachi: I'm afraid the vampire finished it off. Finished HER off. Would you like to help me hunt it down and destroy it? Ranma: [stands in shock for a moment, then says] Yes! I'll hunt that damn thing to the ends of the EARTH! I swear I'll avenge Ucchan's death! Kodachi: [smiles] And then we can be married! Ranma: Uhhh.... *************************** [Ukyou wakes up in her bedroom. There is a massive hole in the roof and she feels very weak.] Ukyou: [mumbles] What happened, Ranchan? [looks around] Ranchan? Baah, just like a man...make some romance, then run off. [sighs happily] But it was soooo wonderful. [We now see a bunny rabbit watching from the hole in the roof.] Ukyou: [tries to get out of bed, falls down on the floor] Why am I so weak? And my ankle hurts. [looks up and sees the bunny jumping down at her] Ahh! Vorpal Bunny! [holds up her spatula. It clonks itself into the end of the spatula, then falls and rolls under the bed.] Tsubasa: [crawls out from under the bed] That hurt, you know. Ukyou: You watched me and Ranchan make out from under the BED? Tsubasa: [points to his bunny ears] I was the rabbit! Ukyou: So you were watching from the roof. Tsubasa: Look, you weren't making out with Ranma. You were attacked by a vampire! Ukyou: When? I don't remember a vampire. Tsubasa: Don't you remember seeing 'Wrinkle'? Ukyou: We retconned that. Tsubasa: Oh. Anyway, you were attacked by Ranma's great-grandmother-in-law. A bunch of werecreatures chased her off. Ukyou: What happened to Ranma? Tsubasa: I think the vampire's minions took him. Ukyou: [leaps to her feet, then falls down] After I take a very long nap and get something to eat, I swear I'll hunt down and destroy the vampire! Tsubasa: Let me help you. Ukyou: I can do this on my own. Tsubasa: Vampires are the antithesis of my kind. We hate them, for they bring the banality of the Winter we fear. They are beasts, wrapped in stasis, destroying glamour by their very presence, wiping out the abilities of humans to dream of anything but power and lust. Ukyou: What? Tsubasa: They're bad for us to be around, so we don't like them. Ukyou: [nods] Well, drag my grill over and get me some ingredients. I'll have to make an okonomiyaki of scrying. [slumps] After a nice long nap. [clonks out and snores] **************** [We see Akane smashing Shampoo, Ukyou, and Ranma dummies again in the dojo.] Akane: Blast it, Ranma! Where ARE you? Nabiki: [walks in] You know, if you're worried about him, you COULD try looking for him instead of just destroying dummies. Akane: [pauses] ... Nabiki: Heck, for the right price, I'd happily do a search for him. Akane: I promise I won't cook for the next three weeks. Nabiki: Deal. [sits down and punches in, 'finger ranma@tendo-dojo.nerima.jp'] This might take a little while. [The screen comes up: Name: Saotome, Ranma Office: None Phone: 888-8845 Project: To find a cure for my curse. Address: Kunou family Horizon Realm Plan: 1. Find a cure for my curse. 2. Perfect my martial arts. 3. Sleep with all my fiancees. 4. Repeat 3 as necessary. ] Nabiki: [thinking] Better not let Akane see this. Akane: 'SLEEP WITH ALL MY FIANCEES?' THAT PERVERT! Nabiki: Well, he's in the Kunou family horizon realm, I see. Akane: I couldn't care less! Baka! [storms off] Nabiki: Hmmm. [types 'finger Akane@tendo-dojo.nerima.jp' The screen sits for a few minutes, then comes up: Name: Tendo, Akane Office: Bedroom Phone: 888-8845 Project: To get Ranma to admit he loves me. Address: Tendo Dojo Plan: 1. Get Ranma to admit he loves me. 2. Get Ryouga to admit he loves me. 3. Get them both to survive my cooking. 4. Have Mad Passionate Sex with both. 5. Repeat 4 as necessary. 6. Perfect my Martial Arts. 7. Find where I left my Trig notes. ] Nabiki: Hmmm. Either things are messier than I thought or my 'finger' rote is malfunctioning. [tries 'Finger Nabiki@tendo-dojo.nerima.jp'. The screen comes up: Name: Tendo, Nabiki Office: Bedroom Phone: 888-8845 Project: ***Make money fast*** Address: Tendo Dojo Plan: 1. ***Make money fast*** 2. Perfect my magic. 3. Sleep with all the male members of the cast, except Happousai, Dad, and Genma. 4. Repeat 3 as necessary. 5. Don't let Akane find out about 3. 6. Don't let anyone find out I'm also in the Syndicate. 7. Don't let the Syndicate find out I'm in the Virtual Adepts. 8. Play both ends against the middle. 9. I am the Eggman, googa googa joob. 10. Finally catch the Red Baron. 11. Get the round-headed kid to buy some better dogfood. ] Nabiki: ... [pauses] I think I need to rewrite this rote. [pauses] Or see a psychiatrist. ******************* [We see a collage of scenes: Akane carefully handcrafting an exact duplicate of Ranma from clay and smashing it to bits, Kodachi and Ranma wandering all over town asking people if they've seen any vampires, Ukyou snoozing while Tsubasa prepares food for when she wakes up, Kasumi talking to birds...that aren't there, Ryouga and his pack tramping about town asking people if they've seen any vampires, and finally, Hiroshi and Daisuke wandering around bored.] Hiroshi: So what would you do if you were locked in a room with Jean Paul Sartre for eternity? Daisuke: Shave him bald and spraypaint his head. Hiroshi: ... Daisuke: What would you do? Hiroshi: Force him to stage 'Waiting for Godot' with me, over and over. Daisuke: You've memorized the whole thing? Hiroshi: I'm sure Hell must have a library. Daisuke: Yes, but everything in it must suck, by definition. Hiroshi: [nods] I'm hungry. [Ranma and Kodachi run up.] Ranma: Hey, guys, have you seen a vampire who tangles people up with noodles and is REALLY ugly? Hiroshi: No, but maybe you ought to go ask Shampoo. She knows everything about noodles. Kodachi: She's an ignorant Chinese peasant! Daisuke: You're just jealous because her breasts are bigger than yours. Kodachi: Am not! Besides, Ranma-sama doesn't like big-chested women, right, Ranma-sama? Ranma: If I don't have the best figure in the room, it really bugs me. [pauses] Pretend I didn't really say that. Kodachi: Whatever are you talking about, Ranma-sama? Ranma: [thinks] Kodachi does have her moments. Daisuke: Anyway, let's go get some Ramen. I'm hungry and... Hiroshi: No, I'M the one who is hungry. Daisuke: There's a difference? Let's go to the Nekohanten. I'm sure Shampoo can help you. ************************* [Cut to a dismal boardroom, like millions of others upon the planet. Three men and two women are sitting around the table.] Woman in business suit: The imbalance of men and women in this room reflects the sexism that is still rampant in our Technocratic Union! Man in black suit and sunglasses: There are only five seats in this Symposium. How do you propose we divide it equally? Short Woman in Labcoat with spiky red hair who looks suspiciously like Wasyuu: I could create a hermaphrodite! Cyborg WOMBAT-5: I am half machine, so technically, there are only 2.5 men at this symposium. If our NWO or Void Engineers Representative would submit to extensive Cyborging, this would solve the problem. I calculate this would take approximately 3.5 hours, leaving time for us to continue this meeting later today. Man in an orange jumpsuit with 'Rogers, Buck' on the back in Romanji: Thanks, but I prefer to avoid permanent sources of paradox. Cyborg WOMBAT-5: In 13.3 years, 20% of my equipment will become part of the Consensus according to the timetable. We could pick the cyborg parts carefully to reduce your paradox level. [sounds hopeful] Man in suit and sunglasses: Anyway, I hereby call this meeting to order. Woman in business suit: I think I'd like to order a large soda, fries, and a Big Mac. Man in suit: Not that kind of order! Woman in suit: Oh. I'd like to buy a vowel then, Pat. Man in suit: [bangs his head on the table] I would get the only person in the Syndicate with a sense of humor in the Tokyo Symposium. [turns to the woman] Can we get serious now, Akiko-san? Akiko-san: One of my operatives has a lead on that renegade cyborg my ex-husband created. I'm hereby authorizing $600 million yen in Technocracy funds to spent by Wombat-san to build something capable of stopping her. WOMBAT-5: Excellent. I think this time, I'll try rebuilding Tokyo Tower to transform into a giant robot. THAT should stop her. Man in Glasses: Hey, I need some of our budget for my operations! Akiko-san: I left you 5000 yen. That should be enough for you to get a decent haircut and pay the postage for their pink slips. Capturing Nuku-Nuku has to be our first priority. Buck Rogers: I think we should try an orbital laser strike again. WOMBAT-5: Too cliche. Man in Glasses: Destroying Tokyo Tower is also cliche. Wasyuu: How about if I just unleash a giant squid that has a burning hunger for cats? Man in Glasses: Am I the only sane person in this symposium? Did I get lost and attend a meeting of the MARAUDERS? Wasyuu: If we were the marauders, I'd turn YOU into the giant squid. Man in Glasses: [mutters] I should have listened to mom and gone into being a dentist. Wasyuu: [suddenly standing next to the man] I heard that! Wanna play doctor with me? [Iris out to the tune of a loud scream.] ********************************** [We see Ukyou munching down an okonomiyaki while Tsubasa makes himself a second one. ] Ukyou: [her eyes glaze over] Ahh! Ranchan is...with KODACHI? Maybe I mixed the sauce wrong...I've got to go find him! [gets up and leaps out the window] Tsubasa: [runs after her] Hey, wait for me! [pauses outside the window and does the Charleston for a few seconds] I really need to get a better bunk for my Wayfare. [An Anvil falls on him.] Tsubasa: HEY! Changelings don't get paradox! You can't DO THAT! Anvil: Maybe I fell on you in my spare time. Tsubasa: Hey, anvils can't talk! Anvil: Then why are you replying to what I'm saying? Tsubasa: Maybe I'm replying in my spare time. [Another anvil falls on him.] Tsubasa: Bastard. [passes out] ******************** [Shampoo's restaurant is crowded with people scarfing down 'red sauce ramen' like maniacs. They look disturbing, almost obsessed with their food. Ranma has to toss some people out the window to get a table. He, Kodachi, Daisuke, and Hiroshi sit down. Kodachi frowns.] Kodachi: This place is creeping me out. Daisuke: [stares in shock] This. is. creeping. YOU. out? Ranma: [thinking] I hope Dad and I don't look like these people do when we eat. Kodachi: They remind me of... [trails off] Hiroshi: Don't trail off like that! Shampoo: [walks up] Nihao! Shampoo ready to take your order! Hiroshi: Gimme some red sauce ramen. Daisuke: Ditto. Ranma: It was pretty good yesterday. I'll have some too. Kodachi: I will have what Ranma-sama has. [gets out some powders after Shampoo leaves and blows them in everyone's face. They all cough.] Daisuke: Whaddya do that for? Kodachi: A general poison antidote. I have a bad feeling about this. [*OMINOUS THUNDER*] Daisuke: [looks up] Could we foreshadow a little more blatantly, please? [The Monty Python credit sequence foot squashes him.] Hiroshi: You never learn, do you. [Shampoo brings them their meals.] Shampoo: Here you go! [puts down the food and four glasses of Pepsi.] Kodachi: [sticks a rune-carved gymnastics pin in her glass and stirs it. It transforms into Coke.] Much better. Shampoo: If you want more, just holler! [leans over and kisses Ranma, who is too busy eating to notice] [Everyone eats up, except Kodachi, who is drawing a circle around her bowl with blood, forming runes. The ramen glows with a black light.] Kodachi: Don't eat the Ramen! It's got vampire blood in it! Ranma: Huh? Daisuke: Oww...my hand hurts. [He looks at his hand and sees it is dripping blood. Apparently Kodachi pricked his hand to get the blood she just used.] HEY! Don't use my blood without asking! Hiroshi: [keeps eating] And? Vampire blood is cool. Being a ghoul is dark and angstful. And it'll make me stronger! Daisuke: Then we can REALLY pick up chicks! [munches down the entire bowl] Ranma: It makes you stronger? [starts to eat the rest of the bowl. Kodachi dumps the entire contents of the salt and pepper shakers into it. He sneezes and blows noodles everywhere.] Kodachi: [stands up] Don't eat the noodles! They were made with vampire blood! [Everyone ignores her and keeps eating. A few people mutter about maniacs.] Ranma: So what's bad about vampire blood? Kodachi: If you drink the blood of the same vampire three times, you become its slave through what is called the 'blood bond'. Same applies to eating it as a garnish on your food. Ranma: So if I ate this red sauce ramen a third time, I'd be enslaved by the vampire? Kodachi: Yes. It's like being madly in love with the vampire. Hiroshi: I think we're in trouble. [The image of Cologne wells up in Hiroshi and Daisuke's mind. They both get hearts in their eyes.] Hiroshi: Wow, that's the most wonderfully beautiful ugly old troll I've ever seen! Daisuke: Yes...I must do whatever she wants...if I knew where she was. [A similar refrain begins to echo through the room.] Kodachi: [grabs Ranma] We have to get out while we still can! [A translucent image of Cologne appears.] Cologne: Can anyone see me or do I need to go practice my Auspex some more? Crowd: DARLING! [dozens of people pile on top of Cologne's astral form, and of course fall right through it] Ranma: AHHH!!! It's WRINKLE! Cologne: Subdue Ranma in a very painful manner. [to Ranma] STOP CALLING ME WRINKLE! Ranma: [looks at the oncoming crowd] Time for the Saotome Secret Technique. [points behind the mob] Look! It's Anne Rice! [They all turn and rush off that way, and Ranma and Kodachi run for it.] ************************** [We see Kasumi busily cooking in the Tendo kitchen. The kitchen utensils are dancing around as she hums a tune, and many of them are hard at working doing various minor tasks like slicing the lettuce for her.] Soun: [walks in] You know, Kasumi-chan, you would spend less time in a state of Quiet if you didn't use so much vulgar magick. Kasumi: It's the only way I can cope with all the insanity around here. [Faint strains of a song begin to drift through the air.] Soun: Do you hear something? Kasumi: It sounds like...uh oh. [The tune becomes more clear. It is 'Purple Haze'.] Soun: No...not... Kasumi: [suddenly dressed as a hippy with a headband in her hair] Hmm. I think I'll bake some marajuana brownies to go with dinner tonight. [goes to work on it] Soun: [now dressed like Davey Jones of the Monkees] The master has returned. [pulls out a bong and sets it up] No...must resist. I won't let the Master warp my mind... [The room itself begins to twist and reshape itself. Everything is now in psychedelic colors. HAPPOUSAI enters, dressed as Jimi Hendrix, complete with guitar. He is playing 'Purple Haze'. He smashes his guitar on Soun's head.] Happousai: Listen to the music and let it take you away! Googa googa joob, ya know! Soun: Your bong is ready, master. [glazed look] Kasumi: I'm making your favorite brownies, master Happousai. Happousai: You're a good girl, Kasumi. Have you been getting any lately? Kasumi: I tried to do what you told me, master, but Dr. Tofu always seems to freak out. I think he must be having problems with some kind of permanent paradox flaw. Happousai: Well, I'll go fix him tomorrow, then. He's such a square, anyway. I'll loosen him up for you. Akane: [walks in, eyes tightly shut, struggling] Blast it, Happy! We don't...allow...Marauders here...you've got to... [for a moment, she is suddenly dressed in a tye-dyed shirt with a big blue peace symbol and cut off jeans and sandals] give peace a chance. NO! [her yellow gi returns] I hate peace! Well, maybe I don't hate it, but... please, just go away! Happousai: I'm afraid I don't take requests. [pulls another guitar out of nowhere] Akane: Try to remember! You used to be an Akashic Brother before you became a Marauder! Show just a tiny smidgen of dignity! [her clothing flickers and becomes the outfit worn by the Supremes in concert] Stop! In the name of love! [her clothing flickers back to normal] Happousai: I am not a marauder! I'm a member of the Cult of Ecstasy. Hmm. Maybe I should go commune with my sister in Ecstasy, Ukyou. Akane: [struggling mentally] You go do that. Happousai: [runs through a wall without breaking it] o/~ Break on through to the other side o/~ [Everything snaps back to normal. Soun is in the middle of puffing on the bong, and looks massively embarrassed.] Kasumi: That was very clever of you, Akane, but what am I going to do with these marajuana brownies now? *************************** [We see Kodachi and Ranma fleeing the mob of angry ghouls. They round a corner and encounter Ukyou, who is leaning weakly against the wall.] Ukyou: I should have learned that recipe for blood-restoring okonomiyaki... Ranma: Ucchan...I thought you were dead! [picks up Ukyou] Come on! We've got to get out of here! Kodachi: [frowns] Leave her, Ranma-sama. We can't outrun the mob while you're carrying her. Ranma: I'll take my chances. [They continue running. Kodachi, however, is right. Slowly, the mob is closing in.] Kodachi: [hands Ranma a packet of seeds] Scatter these on the ground as we run. Ranma: I don't think we have time for some gardening, Kodachi. Ukyou: [looks at the packet] Ah. I'll do it. [throws seeds everywhere.] Kodachi: [sprinkles blood on the ground] Make my MONSTER grow! [pauses] I mean, spirits of the earth, heed my call! Feed upon the blood I have shed and grow to greet the sun! [A massive crop of waist-high grains grows up at a lightning pace.] Ukyou: Hey! [realizes Kodachi got the blood from her ankle, which is bleeding a little] I am not a blood bank! Ranma: How is grass going to stop that mob? [the mob reaches the edge of the grass.] Ukyou: [laughs] Watch. [pulls out a lighter and sets the grass on fire. The wind blows the fumes into the mob, which begins to mill about aimlessly] Daisuke: I feel...kinda mellow. Hiroshi: Tokin'... Ukyou: Don't you remember the time I served you some marajuana Okonomiyaki, Ranchan? Ranma: It didn't exactly look like that, you know. Kodachi: Now we have to run. Ukyou: Why? Kodachi: The wind is shifting. Ranma: Uh oh. [they run] ******************************* [We see the sun setting over the Nekohanten. Deep below it, Cologne clambers out of bed in the basement and stretches, then heads upstairs. Dozens of people are here, eating ramen. Shampoo is busy running the cash register, while Mousse serves the hordes.] Cologne: Any news from the mob we sent out? [The mob hears her voice and shout as one.] Mob: DARLING! Cologne: ... [They rush Cologne, all trying to hug her. Within seconds, she is buried under a mountain of people.] Shampoo: Shampoo thinks your blood must be very strong, great-grandmother. Cologne: [weakly from under the pile] I'm beginning to wonder if this was such a good plan, after all... *********************** [We see Kodachi, Ukyou, and Ranma on a rooftop.] Ranma: Well, we've lost them. I need to get home for dinner. Ukyou: You can't go home! The vampire will expect to find you there! Kodachi: Come to my horizon realm, Ranma-sama! I can protect you there. Ranma: I don't need to be protected. I can take care of myself. Ukyou: If you come with me, you'll get good cooking instead of poison. Kodachi: You think the vampire won't finish you off this time? Or have you forgotten it knows where YOU live? [thinks] I shouldn't have bothered warning her, but I can't risk Ranma-sama going home with her and ending up as a blood doll. Ranma: Kodachi's right. You shouldn't go home either, Ucchan. I've got to make sure you're safe. Ukyou: This time, I'll set wards. Kodachi: Your wards couldn't stop Sasuke, let alone a vampire. Ukyou: Your horizon realm has a marauder living in it! I want Ranchan to KEEP his hair! Ranma: Your father finally came back from the Deep Umbra? Kodachi: Dano threw him out of the Hawaii 5-0 realm he found. He's been crying for five days. Ranma: I'm not going near your dad. He'll send the Warners after me again. [briefly remembers being shaved bald and his head being spraypainted] Never again. Kodachi: Where else can we go? Ranma: [thinks a minute] I know! We can go stay with my cousin Ataru. [thinks a moment] On second thought, I'd rather deal with your Dad than him. [Their clothing flickers for a moment. Ukyou is briefly dressed in beads, a tie-dyed t-shirt and rumpled jeans, with a headband around her hair just above her eyes. Kodachi is wearing a long shapeless black dress and wearing John Lennon glasses. Ranma is wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt and black cutoffs. Their clothing flickers back to normal.] Ranma: Oh great, he must have gotten back from searching for Jerry Garcia in the Shadowlands. Ukyou: RUN! Kodachi: What the...what was that? Ranma: [grabs Kodachi by the hand and starts running, as does Ukyou] Don't ask questions! We'll explain later. Kodachi: [blushes, thinking] Ranma-sama is holding my hand! How romantic as we flee for our lives from an unknown threat! Happousai: [yells from the distance] Stop running! I'm just here to hang out with my fellow Cultists! Ranma: Sorry, I gave up hanging out in airports for Lent! Ukyou: Would you even know what Lent is? Ranma: Your in characterness is slipping, Ukyou. Mentioning my breaches doesn't help any, either. Ukyou: Yeah, but you wouldn't SAY something like that! [They pause and start arguing over who is breaking character worse. While they do this, Happousai catches up with them and suddenly, they're all ready for Woodstock, so to speak.] Ukyou: [setting up a giant combined bong/griddle] Like wow, let me fire up some good vibrations for everyone. Happousai: [pulls out his guitar] How about a round of 'Ticky Tacky Houses'? Kodachi: [pulls out some seeds and starts growing more marajuana] You two sing while I grow us a little crop of happy weed. [Ranma and Happousai start singing 'Ticky Tacky Houses' over and over.] ********************* [We see Hikaru Gosunkugi busily making an elaborate voodoo doll of Ranma.] Hikaru: [consults a book] 'Now bind a three-headed spectre into the doll.' Where am I supposed to get a three-headed spectre? [consults the table of contents] Ahh. The spell for that is 30 pages after this one...who edited this thing? Palladium? [The door flies open and Cologne enters.] Cologne: So, you want revenge on Ranma, do you? Hikaru: Hey! Paradox spirits aren't supposed to show up when you're only CONTEMPLATING casting a spell. Cologne: [gets a crafty look] Ahh, but do you know which one I am? Hikaru: You're Monchichi, right? The paradox spirit that attacks people who abuse tacky children's toys for magical purposes. Cologne: No. Hikaru: You're Neuromancer, the spirit that punishes Virtual Adepts for making too many William Gibson allusions, right? Well, I'm not a Virtual Adept, so go away. Cologne: Do I look like something you'd find in a computer? Hikaru: Well, you do look sort of like Bill Gates if a tribe from the Amazon cut off his head, shrunk it, and attached it to a monchichi doll. Cologne: ... Hikaru: But I doubt that's what happened. Cologne: One more guess. Get it wrong, and you'll regret it. Hikaru: Ahah! You must be Ross Perot in disguise...no, wait, he's not a paradox spirit. Cologne: Think the letter 'W'. Hikaru: [consults his 'Little Big Book of Paradox Spirits'] Wimpy, the paradox spirit who punishes hamburger company employees who abuse magic? Cologne: [turns the page] THIS one. Hikaru: ... [runs and hides under the bed] I don't even HAVE the Time sphere! You can't come and get me! Cologne: One day, you will, and I've come back in time to punish you now. Hikaru: [starts to cry] Don't kill me! I'll do anything! Cologne: Well, I might let you off if you do me a little favor... Hikaru: I'll do anything! Cologne: [hands him a bottle] Drink this. Hikaru: [opens it] This looks like blood. Cologne: Well, those big eyes are good for something. Hikaru: [sniffs] Smells like blood. Cologne: Look, this isn't a wine-tasting contest. DRINK IT [Her eyes flash red. Hikaru goes stiff and drinks it mechanically.] Much better. [crosses her arms in front of herself] Now, carry me into the Tendo dojo, minion. Hikaru: [looks around, eyes glazed over] I can't find you. Cologne: I'm right here! Hikaru: [looks right at her] I can't see you. Cologne: [uncrosses her arms] I'm right here! [thinks] Okay, use Obfuscate AFTER he picks me up. Hikaru: [tries to pick up Cologne, manages to lift her, then topples over with her sitting on his chest] You need to lose weight, mistress. Cologne: I turned you into a ghoul! You should have enhanced strength! Your strength should have doubled! Hikaru: [groans at her weight on his chest] It has doubled. Cologne: [thinks] Okay, time for Plan #2... ***************** [We see a young couple, Mr. Soup and Ms. Noodle at a small cafe. He is holding her hand.] Mr. Soup: Darling, I have something to ask you. Ms. Noodle: Yes? Mr. Soup: Will you ... [A head suddenly dips down upside down between them. It is Nuku, hanging upside down from the umbrella over their table.] Nuku: Nuku is sorry to interrupt, but Nuku needs to know if you've seen any vampires! Mr. Soup: Vampires are imaginary! Ms. Noodle: There was some TV show with a vampire... Nuku: No! Vampires are real! Nuku fought some yesterday! Mr. Soup: [backs up] I see. Ms. Noodle: [points off down the street] There goes one now! Nuku: [turns and sees a young man walking down the street with a flying green-haired girl in a bikini following him] The boy or the girl? Mr. Soup: ... Ms. Noodle: [looks more closely] The girl is...flying. Man-eating Cow: [wanders over and sniffs the two people's meals. We can see the rest of the pack harassing other diners] MOOO!!!! [glares at the two juicy steaks on the table] Mr. Soup: [stares at the angry cow] You can...have my steak if you want it. [Man-eating Cow charges Mr. Soup, who runs for his life. ] Nuku: [chases them both] Come back, Cow-chan! You can eat him later! We have to find the vampire first! Akari: Hey, where are you going? Ryouga: I'll follow them! [runs off down the street that the boy and the flying girl are going down, which is of course, the wrong way] Akari: Katsu-Niri, get Ryouga-kun. [runs after Nuku-nuku and Man-eating Cow] Come back! *************************** [The Tendos are eating dinner. Kunou walks in.] Kunou: I have come to warn the beauteous Akane of a grave danger! Kasumi: Would you like to eat with us? Kunou: Why, thank you. [sits down and starts eating with them] Nodoka: I understand your father finally returned from his seeking, Kunou. Was he successful? Kunou: Sadly, he failed. I was hoping he would become an oracle, since they rarely enter the material plane. It would rid us of him forever. Akane: [passes Kunou the plate of rolls] Here, try these rolls I made. Nabiki: I thought you promised me you wouldn't cook for three weeks! Akane: Well, YOU don't have to eat them. Kunou: [munches on a roll] Interesting. You are getting better at turning stones into bread, Akane. Akane: [flatly] I made them with flour and yeast. Kasumi won't teach me that rote. Nabiki: Because Kasumi knows that even your cooking is better than your magic. Akane: NABIKI!!!!! Kunou: Nabiki, I demand you retract that insult against your kind sister, who consented to grace us with her cooking! Nabiki: If she was kind, she wouldn't grace us with her cooking. [Her cellular begins to ring] I'll be right back. [gets up and leaves] Akane: So what's this grave danger? Kunou: An army of blood-bonded ghouls is coming to sack the dojo. Nodoka: [blinks] How soon? [We hear smashing noises in the distance.] Kunou: Well, they were about ten feet behind me most of the way, so Sasuke held them off while I went ahead to warn you. Nodoka: That was very noble of him. Kunou: I shall mourn his death. [We see a quick flashback of Kunou tossing Sasuke into the oncoming horde of Ghouls and running off ahead to the dojo.] Kunou: Nobly, he chose an honorable death. Kasumi: [gets up] I'll go reinforce the walls. [walks off, singing] o/~ If I had a hammer... o/~ Akane: Who sent these ghouls? Genma: So they're all female? Nodoka: [mallets Genma] Get serious. Genma: I am serious. Soun: My poor dojo! They'll tear it apart! They'll flush all the pets down the toilet! They'll forget to take off their shoes when they enter! Kasumi: [returns, her eyes glazed over a bit] There. That only took a little vulgar magic. Soun: What did you do? Kasumi: I turned the outside walls of the dojo into Neutronium. That should hold them off. Soun: ... Genma: How is Ranma going to get in when he comes home? Kasumi: The doors aren't sealed, but with the wards, only a mage can open them right now. Oh my, I think I feel another episode of Quiet coming on. [Her eyes glaze over completely] I hear knocking. I should go invite our guests in for tea. [Soun grabs her before she can make it out the door to the kitchen] Soun: Akane-chan, take Kasumi to the horizon realm and make sure she stays there. [Akane drags off Kasumi] Kasumi: [as she is dragged up the stairs] Why, Dr. Tofu, you're so bold... ***************************** [We see the Man with Shades in his office, reading reports. He looks frustrated.] Man with Shades: [typing] I am the last major Technocracy agent in this town not to sink into Marauderdom. Please send reinforcements immediately. Entire city of Tokyo may fold in on itself and sink into the Umbra if measures are not taken immediately. Our effort to enforce discipline in the High School failed miserably, as LAST special agent you sent me turned out to be the Marauder father of two Tradition mages. Please run a more thorough background check this time. [His phone rings. He picks it up.] Man with Shades: Hello? Akiko: One of my best agents just called me, reporting that a dojo is under seige by ghouls. I believe this falls in your corner? Man with Shades: How do you propose I do anything when you diverted my entire budget to let Wombat-san turn Tokyo Tower into a giant robot? Send the robot. Akiko: It's not ready yet. Man with Shades: Well, I think I can buy a bouquet of roses for the funeral for the people in the dojo with the five thousand yen you left me. Akiko: You can't let one of my people die! Man with Shades: We suspect that place is a Tradition base anyway. Let the reality deviants kill each other. Akiko: I've just transferred enough money to your Swiss Bank Account to pay for a proper operation. Man with Shades: Ahh, now we're talking. I'll send some of my best agents. [pulls out a list titled, 'Expendables'] They're on their way. ********************************* [We see the horde of Ghouls pounding unsuccessfully on the walls of the Tendo residence. Principal Kunou skates up to the horde of people.] Principal: Hey, has anyone seen my son? Ghoul: Is he short and wrinkly? Principal: Not lately. Ghoul: He's not stuffed in a garbage can on Fifth Street, then. Principal: Well, he's probably visiting the Tendo girl. [walks over and opens the door] Ghoul: How did you do that? Principal: Come closer and I'll tell you. [The Ghoul comes over and the Principal shaves his head.] Principal: You can do anything with a good haircut. Ghoul: HEY! Principal: Be seeing ya! [does the Village salute and walks in, shutting the door after himself] [The ghouls try to open the door, but they can't get it open.] Ghoul with shaved head: LIAR!!!!! *************************** [We see Ryouga running along, clinging to Katsu-niri's tail. The pig has taken point so Ryouga won't get lost.] Ryouga: Are you SURE Akari is this way? Katsu-Niri: Oink! Ryouga: [his clothing suddenly flickers, and for a moment, he is wearing a tye-dyed Rolling Stones concert shirt and blue jeans. Katsu-niri, meanwhile, is suddenly tatooed all over] Hey, why do I suddenly look like my brother? [They flicker back to normal.] Katsu-niri: OINK oInk. {I sense powerful magic.} Ryouga: Head for it. [They follow Katsu-niri's senses and soon spot Ranma, Kodachi, Happousai, and Ukyou who are taking turns breathing okonomiyaki fumes from the griddlebong up on a rooftop. Ryouga's clothing changes again.] Ryouga: Why do I have this sudden urge to follow the Dead everywhere...[concentrates] Ranma, what have you done with Akari? Ranma: [looks down] Yo, Ryouga! Whassup? Ryouga: What kind of degenerate magical ritual are you up to this time? Ranma: Tuning in, turning on, dropping out. Come take a puff from the magic dragon here! Ryouga: You degenerate! This is worse than the time you served pork when Akane invited me to lunch! Ranma: C'mon man, chill! Come on up and get some good vibrations. Ukyou: Yeah! [tries to walk over to the edge of the roof, then falls off and lands on Ryouga] Oops. [passes out] Ranma: Ucchan! [He tries to leap off, but Kodachi restrains him] Kodachi: Ranma-sama, you may think you can fly, but you can't! Ranma: o/~ Learning to fly o/~ [leaps off the roof with Kodachi and lands on Ryouga's head] Ryouga: Katsu-niri, avenge me. [passes out] [Katsu-niri, overcome by Happousai's constant 'bad sixties reality' field, wanders off in a drugged haze. Ranma and Kodachi haul Ryouga and Ukyou up onto the roof.] ******************** [We see a man and a woman watching the Dojo. The man is tall and handsome, with short, neat brown hair. The woman is short and looks to be around 12 or so, with long black hair and a blue tatoo on her forehead. They are both dressed in black suits and wear matching black sunglasses. She is carrying a six foot long mallet.] Man in Black: Hmm. Looks like a group of people infested by alien parasites, engaging in standard swarming procedures. Woman in Black: Do you get paid for every stupid theory you come up with, Smoulder, or do you just spend your spare time creating them? Smoulder: And what's your explanation? Woman in Black: It's all my sister's fault. Or Keiichi. Smoulder: You ALWAYS blame your sister, Skuld. Skuld: It usually is her fault. And don't call me Skuld, RYO. My code name is Emma Peel. Smoulder: Okay, Emma. So with your infinite knowlege, you find the solution while I go hit on the cute one over there. [walks up to one of the ghouls] Hey, baby, wanna get vertical tonight? Ghoul: Only if you're short and wrinkly like Cologne-chan! Smoulder: What kind of Cologne do you like? Skuld: [mallets Smoulder unconscious] We're here to rescue agent #77340, not pick up chicks! Smoulder: Who cares about some stupid guy? I could be... Skuld: [whips out a picture and shows it to Smoulder] This is agent #77340. Smoulder: [suddenly snaps to attention and looks serious] Right. Why are you malingering, Jane? Skuld: EMMA. EMMA. Smoulder: Right. Anyway, Emily, let's get to work. [raises his badge] This is the FBI! Clear a path! Ghoul: What's an FBI agent doing in Japan? Smoulder: [pulls out a gun] Would you like to discuss this with agent Wesson? Ghoul: Ahh, the Japanese branch. I understand. [The ghouls all back off.] [Smoulder and Skuld walk in. They leave the door open, and a few seconds later, the ghouls rush towards the door. Just before they can get in, Skuld leans out and slams the door shut.] ************************************** [Up on the rooftop, we see Kodachi and company all busily tripping out. They are singing 'Kumbaya', badly. Ukyou is still out of it. A mailbox begins creeping across the roof towards her.] Happousai: o/~Kumbaya, my lord, Kumbaya o/~ Ryouga: o/~I would walk five hundred miles o/~ [Okay, they're actually all singing different songs badly. The mailbox grabs Ukyou while no one is looking and runs.] Ukyou: [starts to wake up] Huh... Mailbox: Ukyou-sama! Ukyou: Ugg...My head...[holds her head] Mailbox: Has Happousai's glamour worn off? Ukyou: Blast it! He's got Ranchan and I'm too weak to fight off his magick. [sighs] Mailbox: We've got to get you to safety so you can rest. Ukyou: [thinking] I can't believe I'm agreeing with Tsubasa. [Gosunkugi walks by, pulling a little red wagon. Cologne is riding in it, arms crossed in front of herself.] Ukyou: Then again, maybe it hasn't all worn off. Mailbox: Gosunkugi, you still play with little red wagons? Gosunkugi: Can't talk. Busy. [sounds very tired] Cologne: Stop the wagon. [Gosunkugi keeps going] Cologne: STOP THE WAGON! Mailbox: Did you hear something, Ukyou-sama? Ukyou: [shakes her head] Nope. Cologne: I'm starting to hate my own powers. [uncrosses her arms] STOP the WAGON! Ukyou: Ack. Gosunkugi: You don't have to shout. I'm not deaf. Mailbox: Run, Ukyou-sama! I'll hold her off! Ukyou: Blasted vampire! [hefts her combat spatula] Cologne: Gosunkugi, use your magic on the sentient mailbox. I'll deal with spatula girl. [Cologne faces off with Ukyou. They spar warily, staff versus spatula. Meanwhile, we see Gosunkugi nail a voodoo doll to a handy wall. ] Gosunkugi: This time, Saotome, you will DIE! [draws a rune on the doll's head and crushes it] This time you die! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! [does a victory dance] Mailbox: Interesting. One problem. Gosunkugi: Hey, you should be dead! Mailbox: I'm not Saotome. [runs wild over Gosunkugi, who ends up thoroughly stamped and tossed into a passing mail truck, with the mailing address 'Hoboken' on his forehead] That was easy. [sees Cologne has knocked Ukyou out] This on the other hand... ************************* [We see the Tendo residence's living room. Nodoka, Genma, Soun, Kunou and Nabiki are holding a council of war.] Genma: I say we run out the back door and never come back. Soun: I won't abandon the chantry! Kunou: To flee would be the act of a cowardly cur like Saotome. Genma: I am Saotome! Kunou: Oh, well, go right ahead and run then. [As Genma prepares to whap Kunou, the Principal walks in.] Principal: Hiya, boys and ghouls! I'm here to make sure you all look good when the army of slavering maniacs breaks in! [The room starts to change color. Suddenly, everyone is wearing shorts and a hawaiian T-shirt. Luckily, Principal Kunou lacks the ability to twist their minds as well as their envionment.] Kunou: I will never let you shave my head again, father! Principal: But I can't read the map to my talisman collection that I tattooed on your head unless I shave it. Genma: [grabs Kunou and forces him to his knees] Do your filial duty, boy! [thinks] I bet I can grab the talismans before the Principal can once I see the map. [In slow motion, we see the Principal closing in. Kunou looks up in horror as the shears close in.] Kunou: Damn you, Saotome! [Just as the shears are about to cut off Kunou's hair, there is a gunshot and the shears go flying in a dozen pieces. Everyone spins. Agent Smoulder and Agent Skuld^H^H^H^H^H^HEmma Peel are standing in the doorway.] Smoulder: I won't let you shave #77340's hair! Skuld: That's NOT agent #77340. Smoulder: [looks again] Oops. Go right ahead. Principal: YOU!!!! You killed my favorite shears! DIE! [tosses a pineapple down Smoulder's shirt] Smoulder: I really don't like pineapples. Skuld: [dives for cover] It's a grenade, you idiot! [*BOOM!*] Smoulder: [charred like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon] I'm not too fond of grenades, either. [passes out] Nodoka: [to Skuld] Do I know you? Skuld: [starts whapping the Principal with her mallet as he tries to strangle Smoulder] We're from the IRS. We need to talk to your daughter about your last tax return. Nabiki: Right. Come with me. Aunt Nodoka, can you take care of that poor IRS agent? Nodoka: [draws her katana and walks over to the principal] Stop that or I'll cut off your tree. Principal: [falls to his knees] NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! ***************************************** [Outside the dojo, Cologne arrives, towing the little red wagon. Gosunkugi, Ukyou, and Tsubasa are all clonked out in it.] Cologne: [sighs] I don't suppose any of you are mages? [Everyone dogpiles Cologne.] Crowd: COLOGNE-CHAN! Cologne: [thinking] I'm never blood bonding anyone ever again. [speaking] Are there any mages present? Hiroshi: I am. So is Daisuke. We're both Hollow Ones. Cologne: Is that a reference to your head? Daisuke: Basically, yes. Cologne: Open the door. [Daisuke opens the door.] Hiroshi: Can we hug you again now? Cologne: No. Rush into the dojo, overpower everyone, and bring them to me. [Hiroshi and Daisuke rush inside. Everyone else stands still.] Cologne: What are you people WAITING for? Ghoul: We thought you were just talking to them. Ghoul #2: You didn't say "Samuel Haight says". Ghoul #3: I was waiting for Godot. Cologne: GET IN THERE AND STORM THE PLACE, NOW! [The horde of ghouls rushes in.] ******************************************** [Nabiki and Skuld are in Nabiki's room.] Nabiki: I take it they sent you two to rescue me? Skuld: Yes. We need to get Smoulder and get out of here. Nabiki: Do we REALLY need to get Smoulder? Skuld: Hmm. Right. Let's go out the window. [They hear fighting break out downstairs. Nabiki frowns, though Skuld can't see it.] Nabiki: The ghouls broke in. Skuld: Alright, we'll have to do this the quick way. [grabs Nabiki and leaps INTO a glass of water on Nabiki's desk. They vanish. Seconds later, an anvil falls and crushes the glass.] Anvil: I missed. ************************ [We see the interior of the Nekohanten. Cologne has Akane, Nodoka, Genma, Soun, Smoulder, Kunou, Tsubasa, and Ukyou strung up by their feat like hunks of meat in a freezer. Shampoo, Mousse, and her horde of ghouls flock around her.] Cologne: Let's see. Vampirize the two rival fiancees, use Smoulder for kindling, serve the phooka as rabbit ramen, keep Kunou around for laughs, sell Genma to the Zoo, mail Soun to Hoboken. Shampoo: What you do with Ranma's mother? Cologne: Force her to watch the entire Overfiend series and see if her brain will run out her ears. Mousse: That's cruel! Cologne: Humanity 2 means rarely saying you're sorry. Mousse: You still have two points? Cologne: Don't make me add duck to the menu. Tsubasa: Ranma will kill you if you turn Ukyou and Akane into vampires. Cologne: Not after he eats my ramen one more time and becomes my blood-bonded slave! Tsubasa: Yes, but he has a special spell that will blow up Tokyo just like in Akira if anyone turns Ukyou into a Vampire. Cologne: I'll just crush her to death, then. Tsubasa: Anything bad that happens to her sets it off. Cologne: Does being kidnapped count as bad? Tsubasa: I'd say so. Cologne: Shouldn't it have gone off, then? Tsubasa: Ummm... Shampoo: Great-Grandmother, you know phookas are all habitual liars. Cologne: But this is the first time he's lied in this story. Daisuke: Hey, why don't YOU get squashed for breaking the fourth wall? You should be getting paradox points out the butt! Cologne: I'm a vampire. I don't get paradox unlike you pathetic mages. Hiroshi: Hey, we don't burn up in the sun, like you people! Cologne: Anyway, now, I will destroy you all. I think I'll start with... [Happousai, Ranma, Kodachi, Ryouga, and Katsu-Niri charge in, singing o/~ Give Peace a Chance o/~] Cologne: Great. Ghouls. Destroy them! [All of the ghouls are suddenly dressed as various members of the Mamas and the Papas. They join in a spontaneous chorus of Summer in the City.] Cologne: Shampoo, Mousse! DESTROY THEM! [Shampoo and Mousse are now dressed as Sony Bono and Cher, circa 1970.] Mousse: Like wow. Shampoo: Groovy. Cologne: [leaps at Happousai] THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! [She and Happousai begin to duke it out while Ryouga, Ranma, and Kodachi lead the ghouls in a chorus of "White Rabbit".] Happousai: I am the Eggman! [hurls a barrage of exploding eggs at Cologne] Cologne: [leaps high over the explosions and lands on Happousai's head, whacking him in the stomach with her staff] Googa googa joob to you too. Happousai: [hooks her feet with his guitar and flings her into the ceiling] How dare you profane the name of the four apostles of British pop! Cologne: [slams into the ceiling, then the floor] Hah! Yoko Ono was working for ME! Happousai: [glows with a rage aura] You...you...NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!!!! [charges berserkly at Cologne] Cologne: [sidesteps, then sweeps low with her staff, knocking Happousai off his feet as he runs by her. He rolls across the floor into the wall] You know what it'll take to reunite the Beatles? Three more bullets! Happousai: [screams incoherently and charges at Cologne again, his guitar raised over his head] DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cologne: [concentrates and suddenly Happousai is ringed in by Cologne duplicates] Go ahead and try. [As Happousai starts squashing illusionary Colognes, she keeps whapping him until finally he passes out. All of the sixties paraphenalia and mind-warping effects instantly wink out.] Cologne: Now, back to business. Ranma: Much as I'm grateful that you did that, I'm gonna have to squash you for what you've done to my family and friends. Cologne: Minions, kill all of them except Ranma. I need him alive. [Ryouga, Kodachi, Katsu-niri, and Ranma suddenly realize they're hemmed in by over a hundred ghouls, plus Daisuke, Hiroshi, Shampoo, and Mousse.] Ranma: Kodachi and Katsu-niri, take care of the ghouls. Ryouga, you stomp Shampoo and Mousse. I'll take the old hag. [leaps at Cologne] Mousse: [unleashes a barrage of chains at Ryouga] You should join us, Ryouga! Ryouga: [dodges the chains] Why are you two working for a wyrm-tainted vampire? You should be helping us kill her! [lashes out with his belt, catches Shampoo's bonbori and flings them away, sending her running after them] Shampoo: Great-Grandmother will help Shampoo marry Ranma! Mousse: This is my best chance to finally revenge myself on Saotome! [presses his assault on Ryouga] Ryouga: She's an evil blood-sucking leech, a blight on the face of our mother Gaia! [dodges the attacks, falling back across the room] Mousse: We all have our flaws. Ryouga: Don't make me hurt you! Shampoo: As if that was a real threat. [smacks Ryouga in the head as Mousse tangles up his legs. They start pounding Ryouga into the ground] Ryouga: Have to...change.. [concentrates and suddenly becomes a little black piglet, which scampers out of the now loose chains. Shampoo and Mousse begin chasing him around the room] [Meanwhile, Kodachi and Katsu-niri are hard pressed. Kodachi is riding around the room on Katsu-niri's back like people who stand on the back of horses in the circus. She snags ghouls with her ribbons and slams them into other ghouls, while Katsu-niri simply rams their opponents out of the way.] Hiroshi: We need to do something impressively magical to them. Daisuke: We could summon the Cure! Hiroshi: That's not exactly going to stop her. Daisuke: It would be cool, though. Hiroshi: And it would meet our angst quotient for the day. Hmm. Ahah! Daisuke: We could summon the ghost of Jean Paul Sartre and let him challenge her to a philosophical debate. Hiroshi: He whines too much. Daisuke: How about Foucault? Hiroshi: I don't think she's gonna sit still for a philosophical debate. Daisuke: We could reanimate Neitszche and glue him to her arm! Hiroshi: GET OFF IT ALREADY! I say we lightning bolt her. Daisuke: But that would be vulgar magic. Hiroshi: And conjuring up a dead philosopher isn't? Daisuke: Good point. [pulls out a stereo and puts the song "Lightning striking me again" on.] Hiroshi: That's not a very angstful song. Daisuke: I don't know any angstful songs about lightning. Hiroshi: Right. [They start singing along and lightning builds up around them. Finally, as Kodachi and Katsu-niri break through the horde and charge at them, the song finishes and they unleash the lightning at the duo. Kodachi leaps high over the bolt, while Katsu-niri gives a great squeal and passes out] Kodachi: What a plebeian song. [whips out a pair of rune-carved gymnastics pins as she soars through the air] I invoke the power of Raiden through the blood of Hiroshi and Daisuke... Hiroshi: You don't have any of my blood. Kodachi: [smacks both of them in the head as she lands, getting a little blood on each of the pins] I do now. Let your power charge these gymnastics pins, in thy mercy. [the pins crackle with electricity] Hiroshi: You have a strange definition of mercy. [joins hands with Daisuke] Time for more paradox. BY THE CRIMSON... [Kodachi hurls the pins and Daisuke and Hiroshi are transfixed with electricity.] Hiroshi: [in pain] BANDS OF... Kodachi: [starts hurling pins at their heads] Pass out! Hiroshi and Daisuke: CYTTORAK! [Crimson bands of energy wrap around Kodachi, pinning her in place] Hiroshi: Hah! Now we have you! Daisuke: We're going to make you listen to ALL the albums Nine Inch Nails has ever released. Kodachi: NOO!!!!!!!! [look of abject terror] Anything but that! Daisuke: [starts looking for the tape] Let's see, where did I put those tapes... Dr. Strange: [suddenly appears] I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're guilty of copyright violation. I'm going to have to lock you away in a paradox realm for a while as a punishment. Daisuke: Hey! What about HER vulgar magick? Dr. Strange: I only punish people who use vulgar Marvel Comics magick. Besides, she hasn't been breaking character all story long like you two have. Hiroshi: Can we at least torture her a LITTLE before you take us away? Dr. Strange: Okay, you can have fifteen seconds. Hiroshi: [joins hands with Daisuke again] We curse you by the power of STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE! [Kodachi is suddenly wearing a little hat that looks sort of like a strawberry, and a pink dress that goes down to her knees with little strawberries all over it. She has become super-deformed as well.] Kodachi: [falls to her knees as the bands vanish] No! ANYTHING BUT THIS! Dr. Strange: It is fate. [claps his hands, then fires the eye of Agamoto at Hiroshi and Daisuke, who vanish] If it's any comfort, I've trapped them in a universe where everyone was drawn by Rob Liefeld. Kodachi: [staggers to her feet] Okay, they are being punished more than me...almost. How will I ever marry Ranma-sama looking like...THIS? Dr. Strange: [shrugs] Not my problem. [vanishes] [The ghouls close in on Kodachi, and the battle begins again.] ************************** [We see the Technocracy boardroom again. Nabiki and Skuld are reporting to Sunglasses-wearing man, Akiko, Wasyuu, WOMBAT, and Buck Rogers.] Nabiki: I recommend immediate action against the reality deviant Cologne, before she turns an entire city into her ghouls. She has captured the entire chantry I was infiltrating, and will likely turn them into her blood-bonded slaves. This could set back our timetable for Tokyo by decades. Skuld: Can we let them kill my partner first, though? Nabiki: What if she just ghouls him and sends him to get you? Skuld: KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!!!!! Buck Rogers: I could direct an orbital laser strike at the site. Sunglasses-wearing-man: Is that your answer to everything? Buck Rogers: Well, I don't try to make coffee with orbital lasers. Wasyuu: Sometimes. Buck Rogers: Okay, I have made coffee with a real coffee maker once or twice. Akiko: There is a technocracy agent on the grounds, plus, I want to buy out this restaurant, not destroy it. WOMBAT, is Tokyo Tower ready for battle? WOMBAT: Yes, although I estimate a 2000% chance of massive paradox backlash if we use it. Sunglasses-wearing man: We are NOT going to unleash Tokyo Tower unless we have to. [thinking] I can't believe I actually said that. Nabiki: How about if we just send some HIT Marks? WOMBAT: Sounds good to me. Akiko: That would be acceptable. Buck Rogers: We could stage a fake alien invasion! Sunglasses-Wearing-Man: Why? Buck Rogers: Hey, it worked in 'WATCHMEN'! Wasyuu: Come on, Rogers-san. We can go make some plausible aliens in my lab. [They leave together] Akiko: WOMBAT-san, send the Hit Marks as soon as you can. Skuld and ... Skuld: That's Peel! I'm agent Emma Peel! Akiko: Anyway, Nabiki and Skuld, you get to lead the attack. Nabiki: ... ************************************** [Back in the Nekohanten, Ranma and Cologne are still duking it out. Shampoo and Mousse have just caught Ryouga and put him in a silver cage. Everyone hanging from the ceiling is starting to wake up, and Kodachi is now facing off with Shampoo, Mousse, and the remaining ghouls.] Shampoo: Give up now, ugly nutcase girl. Mousse: You can't beat us all. Kodachi: I won't have to. Mousse: What makes you say that? Kodachi: I'll have help! [leaps into the air and whips a barrage of sharpened gymnastics pins at the ropes hanging everyone from the ceiling, slicing the ropes] Once they're all free... [They all fall and bang their heads on the ground. Everyone but Sasuke passes out.] Sasuke: I'm coming, Mistress Kodachi! Shampoo: [punts Sasuke into Low Earth Orbit] Even Mousse never do anything that stupid. Kodachi: [tosses a bouquet to Shampoo] Okay, you win. Here's your victory bouquet. Shampoo: [tosses it aside. It lands in Mousse's face and he passes out.] Shampoo not that stupid. Kodachi: [looks around and sees something] You'd better move or you're going to be run over. Shampoo: [puts her hands on her hips and laughs] Shampoo not stupid enough to fall for that old trick, either! [Mr. Soup slams into Shampoo from behind, knocking her down and running over her. Inches behind him, Man-eating cow then crashes into Shampoo and crushes her beneath her hooves. Nuku-Nuku and Akari follow close behind.] Shampoo: Shampoo meant to do that. [passes out] Kodachi: Akari-san, the vampire you're looking for is over there! She turned your pet pig into bacon and trapped your boyfriend in that cage. [points to the various things she's talking about] [Mr. Soup crashes through a wall, with Man-eating Cow still chasing him. Nuku-Nuku and Akari stop running, however.] Akari: [looks at Katsu-niri and Ryouga with tears in her eyes] No... Nuku-Nuku: Nuku will liberate P-chan! Go stop the vampire, Akari-chan! [Races over to Ryouga's cage] Cologne: [sprints into the kitchen with Ranma in pursuit, then throws some fish into the air] Look, fresh fish! [Nuku-nuku turns and leaps across the room, catching them all and getting bopped on the head by Cologne, who then turns back to fighting Ranma. Their match seesaws back and forth, but Cologne is starting to get the upper hand.] Ranma: Old bag, if I had any skill in the Matter sphere, I'd turn you into a lawn chair! Cologne: I guess you like anvils falling on your head? Ranma: Unfortunately, for you, I have achieved mastery in one thing. Cologne: There's a sphere for acquiring fiancees? Ranma: Forces. BALL OF ABYSMAL FLAMES! [The whole room starts to go dark as all the light and energy in the room zoom towards Ranma's hands, forming into a growing sphere in his hands] Akari: [applauds] Bake the pig-hater! Cologne: Umm...isn't that a Hermetic rote? Ranma: [spreads his arms to contain the growing energy. The entire room is pitch black and silent except for his and Cologne's voice. Even the energy of the sonic waves has been absorbed] I'd give you a long lecture on how we're all basically the same, the higher up you go in Arete, but that would be out of character. Any last words? Cologne: Doesn't the Ball of Abyssal Flame make an explosion about the size of a city block and get you enough paradox for any five mages? Ranma: And? It'll kill you, and that's what matters. Cologne: So you don't care about all your friends you're about to bake? Ranma: ... Cologne: [smacks Ranma in the head while he is distracted. He passes out.] And as to that spell... [swipes the ball with her staff. It is sucked into the staff, and suddenly all the lights and sound come back on] Akari: [staring at Cologne] That's impossible! Only a master mage could even hope to stop a ball of Abyssal Flame like that! Cologne: I AM a Master mage. Kodachi: That's impossible! When you become a vampire, your Avatar is destroyed! All you do is Thaumaturgy, which pales as nothing compared to the power of the Force...I mean compared to Magick. Cologne: Well, I thought that was stupid, so I kept mine. My only mistake was letting a Nosferatu embrace me...I shouldn't have listened to his 'War scars' story. [to the ghouls] Kill them and bring me their heads. Ghouls: Yes, dear Cologne who fills our life with joy! [The somewhat shrunken horde of ghouls rush Akari and Kodachi] [Cologne starts dragging Ranma off. Suddenly the walls explode open in thirty or forty places. Skuld and Nabiki, both dressed in trenchcoats, black hats, and black sunglasses, followed by fifty people with phased plasma rifles, 40 watt range. About a third of the fifty look like Arnold Schwarzenneger, another third look like the T-1000, and the last third look like 'Cyborg' from the old Teen Titans.] Skuld: All right, all you reality deviants, I want you to drop your foci and come out with your hands up! Nabiki: [whips out her laptop and has one of the Arnies bend over and act as a desk for her. Her voice synthesizer speaks. It sounds like the computer from Red Dwarf.] Dave, they're dead. They're dead, Dave. [she whacks her computer] Don't spend any blood points, either. That means you, Cologne. Cologne: Hey, you should be glad I'm eliminating these reality deviants for you! Skuld: Drop the staff. [Akari and Kodachi try to sneak to Ryouga and Ranma respectively while this is going on.] Skuld: No rescuing your boyfriends and running off, either! Kodachi, drop your ribbons. [Kodachi drops two gymnastics ribbons] Skuld: And everything else. Kodachi: I'm not stripping naked. Skuld: You can keep your clothing. [Kodachi begins dropping bouquets, bottles of poison, gymnastics pins, beakers, roses, Peterson's Field Guide to Poisonous Plants, copies of the Watchtower, wrapping paper, gymnastics balls, and spare leotards. Soon, she is shrouded by the pile of stuff.] Skuld: Thank you for demonstrating your skill with the matter sphere. Now come out where we can see you. [Silence] Skuld: Open fire, ALL WEAPONS! DISPATCH WAR ROCKET AJAX TO BRING BACK HER BODY! [The cyborgs all open fire on the pile of stuff.] Nabiki: [by voice synthesizer] 'War Rocket Ajax'? Skuld: [blushes] Okay, I got a little carried away. Cologne: [crosses her arms in front of herself and starts to sneak off] Time to make a tactical withdrawal. Oh blast it, I can't drag Ranma and Shampoo and keep my arms crossed at the same time. Guess I'll have to get a little vulgar. [waves her staff around, then goes to pick up Ranma and Shampoo] Akari: I feel incoming magick [concentrates and countermagicks it, then sees Cologne] AHAH! Now I understand! Cologne: [glances over at the continued massacre of the pile of Kodachi's stuff, which Kodachi seems to have successfully avoided becoming a part of, given that she isn't being riddled full of holes] This is getting worse than that fiasco in Mexico where I had to fake my own death... Akari: You're not a vampire at all! You're just faking it so you can use your magic without paradox! I recognize that staff now! Cologne: Hey, lots of people have staves! [In the background, the cyborgs are digging frantically through the pile of stuff, looking for Kodachi's remains] Skuld: Hey, where did she go? [A trenchcoated and sunglassed NWO operative rushes up and hands Skuld a package.] Operative: #2 sent me with this urgent package for you. Skuld: [looks at the package, which reads, 'For Emma Peel's Eyes Only'] They got my NAME RIGHT! [rips open the package. IT is full of nice red roses. She sniffs deeply and passes out.] Operative: [takes off her fedora and sunglasses. It is Kodachi, of course] Ho Ho hoHo Ho hoHo Ho hoHo Ho hoHo Ho hoHo Ho hoHo Ho ho! [charges Nabiki] You're next! Nabiki: [takes off her sunglasses for a moment] It's me. I infiltrated their forces like you. Kodachi: [blinks] Right. Get the cyborgs to take out the vampire, then. Nabiki: [nods, and sends the command by voice synthesizer] Cyborgs, focus on the reality deviant known as Cologne Akari: I know who you really are! [The Cyborgs look around] Cyborgs: We find no Cologne. Akari: [points where Cologne is] She's right there! Or should I say...HE'S there, SAMUEL HAIGHT? Cologne: [rips off a mask and suddenly swells to a normal sized blond caucasian male in his late twenties] I'd rule this city if not for you meddling Verbena! Only one choice left...time to POWERGAME! Stuff Obfuscate, I'm gonna blast you all back to the STONE AGE! [levels her staff at the horde of cyborgs] EAT FORCES 5, MAGGOTS! [a huge gout of coruscating energy vaporizes all the cyborgs, leaving only smoking boots behind, except for RKNEE-2] RKNEE-2: I'll be back. [collapses and falls apart] Nabiki: I'll...um...go get reinforcements. Yeah, that's it. [punches some buttons, and suddenly, she, Akane, Nodoka, and Soun turn two dimensional, then one-dimensional, then shrink to points and wink out] Akari: [manages to get Ryouga's cage open] Get him, Ryouga-sama! Sam Haight: Oh no, a pig. Gonna give me too much fat in my diet? P-chan: [howls and leaps into the air towards Haight] Sam Haight: Let's see...Forces 3 should fix you in the air... [gestures with the staff. P-chan is frozen in mid-charge.] Hmm. With Life 4, Matter 3, I could make a silk purse out of your ear... Akari: [runs over to Kodachi] Join your power with mine! [cuts her palm so that blood drips down it] Kodachi: [cuts Akari's palm a second time] Like this? Akari: YOUR palm! Kodachi: Sorry, force of habit. [cuts her palm and joins hands with Akari] Sam Haight: [still looking at the frozen-in-midjump P-chan] Or I could use use life 5 and turn you inside out, or I could use Correspondence 4 and Life 4 and teleport you to two different locations at once...So many possibilities! P-chan: [starts to concentrate. A tiny ball of energy starts to form between his paws] Sam Haight: Let's see..gotta be something cool I could do to you with Entropy... Akari: Let our hearts, our minds... Kodachi: Our souls, our power... Akari and Kodachi: mingle together as does this blood. [their hands begin to glow] [P-chan turns into Ryouga, still bound in place, but now his feet reach the ground] Sam Haight: Nice use of your powers, but it won't get out out of that bond. I'm stealing your kinetic energy with forces 2. Ryouga: Too bad this isn't kinetic energy. [The ball of energy between his palms is getting larger] SHISHIHOKODAN! [the energy envelops Sam Haight] Hah! Chew on that, Mage boy! Sam Haight: [emerges from the blast unhurt] I'm far too munchkin to be effected by that. Besides, since when did were-creatures hurl energy blasts? Ryouga: Thanks, but you're munchkin enough without me telling you THAT secret. Akari and Kodachi: [speaking as one in an eerie voice that blends their voices] We invoke the guardians of game balance! Sam Haight: Uh oh. Akari and Kodachi: A great Munchkin walks upon the land, spirits of Paradox, HEED OUR CALL! [Sam Haight tries to run, but his own staff slips and trips him. There is a great popping noise and Wrinkle walks in. He is an old man who looks suspiciously like Ed Mcmahon with more wrinkles, dressed in a slightly out of date suit.] Wrinkle: So you're the one who has been impersonating me, eh? Sam Haight: I only did that once! Wrinkle: And breaking every game law known to man. Sam Haight: Hah! I don't get paradox as long as I have my...[realizes his hands are empty] Uh oh. [We see Kodachi and Akari, their hands still clasped, holding the staff. A greenish glow flickers around them, and they have the same disturbingly calm expression.] Wrinkle: Well, you know the drill. Undo all the vulgar magick you've done, or I go back and kill you when you were an infant. Sam Haight: But I'll blow up from paradox if I do enough vulgar magick to fix everything! Wrinkle: Right. Would you rather I strangle you in your crib or arrange for your parents to accidentally back the car over you while you were playing with your toy cars that one time? Sam Haight: [turns to Kodachi and Akari, desperate] If you send him away, I'll...I'll do anything! I'll make sure Ranma marries BOTH of you if that's what you want! Akari: Justice cannot be denied. Kodachi: He'll marry me anyway. Wrinkle: Look, I don't have much time, Haight. I think I may finally be able to nail that Dick Clark guy if I finish you quick. Sam Haight: Can't you just banish me to a paradox realm? PLEASE? Wrinkle: Okay. That'll save time. [wiggles his fingers at Sam Haight.] Sam Haight: [finds himself in a really tacky living room] Hmm, this doesn't look too bad. [The Brady children walk into the room where Haight is, in the pardox realm.] Marcia: Hi, DAD! Sam Haight: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Back on Earth, Kodachi and Akari hand the staff to Wrinkle] Akari: Destroy this horrible item, laden with the power of the Urge Wyrm of Powergaming. Wrinkle: [takes it. It crumbles to dust.] Long have we hunted for this horrible thing. I owe you both a boon. Use it well. Akari: I would like a 'Get out of the Paradox Realm free' card, for the next time I mess up. [He hands her one.] Kodachi: I want to marry Ranma-sama. Wrinkle: Right. No problem. Akari: Oooh, can I marry Ryouga while you're taking care of that? [Wrinkle drags Ranma, still unconscious, over. He joins Ranma's right hand to Kodachi's free hand. He then drags Ryouga over to Akari, breaking the spell binding him in place] Ryouga: I...uh... Wrinkle: By the power invested in me by the Consensus of the Sleepers, I now pronounce you man and wife. [Ranma snaps awake.] You may kiss the groom. [turns to Ryouga and Akari] And I pronounce you two man and wife as well. You may kiss the bride, since you can actually move, unlike the last groom. Ryouga: ... Ranma: WHAT? Akari: Congratulations, Ranma, Wrinkle just married you to Kodachi! I'm sure you'll be very happy together! [grabs Ryouga and kisses him] Wrinkle: Just doing my part as a guardian of society. See you later kids and remember, vulgar time magick BAD, coincidental time magick GOOD! [vanishes] Ranma: Kodachi...why...why...why are you dressed as Strawberry Shortcake in a trenchcoat? Kodachi: Just kiss me, darling! [lets go of Akari's hand and the glow around them fades. She kisses a stunned Ranma, just as Ukyou wakes up.] Ukyou: ... [Iris out as the usual gleeful brawl gets started.] ************************* [We see repairs in progress at the Dojo. Kasumi is giving orders to a pair of RKNEE model cyborgs, who are doing all the work. Their eyes are heavily glazed over, while she has a much sharper and alert look than the Kasumis of most universes. In fact, she looks a little like Nabiki.] Kasumi: These were worth every penny I paid Nabiki. [to the cyborgs] Now fix that hole there. [points] RKNEE-1: [to the other cyborg] Are you Sarah Connor? [RKNEE-8 whaps him.] Nabiki: [steps out onto the porch] See, I told you, sis. Now they can get all the paradox instead of you. [As they talk, the cyborgs are busily rebuilding the house at an accelerated rate, doing weeks of work in minutes. ] Kasumi: So how long have you been working for the Technocracy? Nabiki: ... Kasumi: I'm not stupid, you know, unlike most of the inhabitants of this house. Nabiki: I'm just infiltrating them so I can keep us safe! They'd have shut us down a long time ago if I wasn't feeding them false information about how harmless and inept we are. [There is shouting from inside the house.] Genma: I DID NOT CHEAT! Soun: [crying loudly] It pains my heart to hear you lie like that! Nabiki: Okay, it wasn't all lies. Kasumi: I want to trust you, but... Nabiki: I could have turned you all over to the Technocracy if that's what I wanted after Cologne knocked you all out. Kasumi: [nods] Hai. Well, I need to go see if RKNEE-6 is doing a good job in the kitchen. [We hear shouting from the kitchen.] Kodachi: Ranma-sama, as your new wife, I WANT to cook for you! Ranma: These cyborgs really react badly when someone tries to interfere in their mission. Akane: Kodachi, Ranma is NOT married to you! RKNEE-6: Interfering with this unit is a sign of inefficiency. Prepare to be terminated. [We hear machinegun fire as Nabiki and Kasumi run towards the kitchen.] Nabiki: Looks like there may not be a kitchen left after this. Kasumi: At least we have no more financial worries. Nabiki: Now you're talking! [Fade to black.] **************************** [Back at the End of Time.] Purple Robes: Hmm. Not so bad. Let me just fast forward a bit. [Images zoom by on the pool, then freezes on Soun and Genma arguing about a chess game. Soun suddenly explodes as he tries to use his Demon Head rote in a spectacular paradox backlash.] Purple Robes: No...NO!!!!!!!! [The screams echo futily as we zoom back and see that Yellow Robes is watching this in a mirror.] Yellow Robes: I have to convince you to stop before it is too late. I knew it would come to this, and yet...I had to try. There is only one person who can stop you, and I cannot be sure it will work this time around. [gestures at the mirror, which changes to focus in on the group that had been confronting Kodachi] Genma: She vanished! Nabiki: Thanks for stating the obvious. Well, looks like it wasn't her fault...but who could be doing this? Kunou: No! Not my own sister! [begins to cry] I will miss you poisoning me. You will be avenged! Kasumi: [frowns] I don't like this at all. Yellow Robes: Yes. You are the one. Purple Robes does not understand...almost all who take that job go mad, for they always seek to change more than can be changed. And in the end, they raise up the serpent that bites their heel. This time, you must be the one who challenges the ruler of the end of time, young one. I pray you will not fail. [Fade to black.]