From ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu Wed Feb 28 00:39:43 1996 Received: from falcon.cc.ukans.edu (falcon.cc.ukans.edu [129.237.34.1]) by tendo-dojo.ranma.net (8.6.11/0.0.0) with SMTP id AAA20316 for ; Wed, 28 Feb 1996 00:39:34 -0500 Received: by falcon.cc.ukans.edu; (5.65v3.2/1.1.8.2/12Jan95-0207PM) id AA08232; Tue, 27 Feb 1996 23:37:37 -0600 Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 23:37:36 -0600 (CST) From: "Ranma al'Thor " To: fanfic@tendo-dojo.ranma.net Cc: marco@chinook.physics.utoronto.ca Subject: [Comments and commentary] Re: [FanFic] [Non-Ranma] [Sailor Moon and ?] Teenage Wasteland In-Reply-To: Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII In the not-too-distant future-- Next Sunday A.D.-- There was a guy named Bailesu, Not too different from you or me. He studied at the University of Maryland, Just another grad student in a red t-shirt He did a good job studying that British place, But his professors didn't like him So they shot him into Kansas... We'll send him lost of fanfic, The most we can find (la-la-la). He'll have to sit and read them all, And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la). Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la) Because he used that part of the budget To hire some helpful friends. Commentator Roll Call: (Let's go!) John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu! (The egotistical God of Fanfiction, just ask him :)) Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami! (The helpful commentator) Zoisite (The useless commentator) If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study and other grad school facts (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life, I should really just relax For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!" [Iris open on the Theatre at the Computer Lab of Love. Ami and Dread Space Pirate Bailesu are looking rather bored.] Ami: Please tell me we're not gonna have to see another Lemon Fanfic. Bailesu: Dr. Price promised no lemon at all in this one... Dr. Price: [on the intercom] This one is a slasher flic. Ami: Oh great. Dr. Price: I've sent your old friend Zoisite to help you. Ami: He's dead! Dr. Price: So are you by the end of this. Ami: Oh great. [Zoisite walks in.] Zoisite: Hello, Ami-chan. Ami: Don't call me that! Dr. Price: This week, you're gonna review a little slasher flick called, "Teenage Wasteland" >The eight figures cautiously advanced along the huge >cave. Although deep underground, the slightly phosphorescent >mineral which covered the walls filled the large tunnel with >a phantasmagoric, blue-ish glow. Bailesu: Eight figures? Which eight figures? Ami: Don't be impatient. It's only the first paragraph. Nice imaging here. > "C'mon guys! Hurry up!" Zoisite: Who's speaking here? Bailesu: What, you can't tell from the tone of her voice? Zoisite: I can't hear anything... Bailesu: You must be going deaf. [Zoisite starts trying to clean out his ears.] Ami: It might help if we had some idea who was speaking...This statement is too generic to instantly tell us who is talking. > "Of course I'm sure," the blue hair girl responded, >glancing at the screen of her hand-held computer. Ami: Actually, my hair is black with blue highlights. And that should be "blue haired girl". >Luna, however, was unable to continue, as Serena suddenly >exploded. Zoisite: If only I had had such an easy time disposing of her... Ami: She's not dead. It's just a figure of speech. > "Girls, please ..." > "Who do you *THINK*?!?" > "Stop ..." > "That's it Rei! I've had enough of you! In the name of the moon I will ..." > "Will you two cut it OUT!" Zoisite: This is making my BRAIN hurt! I can't tell who's talking half the time! Ami: Given that we can't actually see who is talking in a written format, it would help to clarify who is actually speaking. Some of it seems intuitively clear, but it makes it difficult to be sure. > "I don't know Lita, but I'm getting awfully high >readings, they almost go off the ..." Ami: "I don't know, Lita, >About twenty metres ahead of them a figure started to form >within the shadows. Ami: About twenty meters ahead of them, a >The monster was at least two metres high, covered with a >thick black fur which nonetheless couldn't hide the huge >muscles which delineated its body. Its intensely yellow eyes >pierced the girls with their stare, the putrid stench of >rotten meat emanating from the metallic teeth in its mouth, >blood red saliva drooling down its chin, titanium claws >glittering from the oily poison which covered them. Zoisite: Eww, gross. Ami: Nice description, good use of multiple senses. Bailesu: [hides] I'll come out when it is gone... >The beast had somehow managed evade the fireball, leaping >with superhuman force straight towards her. She opened her >mouth in an attempt to scream. Ami: somehow managed to evade >The brutal blow shattered most of the bones in her delicate >body, the claws easily ripping through skin and flesh, >almost cutting her in half, leaving a mere strand of sinew >holding her corpse together. Zoisite: [blinks] What, she died that easy? Bailesu: [Hiding] Don't ask me, I'm afraid to look. Ami: I don't think we've every faced anything capable of doing that, at least not that easily... Zoisite: If only I'd had this monster handy when I was trying to collect the Rainbow crystals! Ami: Frankly, I'm glad you didn't. I assume this must be some really important creature if it is that powerful. Senshi don't die easily. > For an instant the five remaining girls stood >paralyzed, unable to believe their eyes. Zoisite: Wait, five sailors, one dead, who's the extra one? Bailesu: Maybe she didn't really die. Ami: She was ripped in half. Not to mention the author says, "remaining". But since he never did say who all was there, I guess we have to guess. >The girls began chanting in unison, both their faces masks >of fury and determination. Ami: faces' masks >magical energy which caught the creature in midair. With >inhuman speed the monster somehow managed to twist itself, Ami: With inhuman speed, >which covered its ribs was scorched away, the flaming fur >still attached to its body painfully burning the skin >beneath, the nauseous stench of burning meat soon filling >the cave. Ami: Good imagery again. >The demon savagely snarled, a howl of pain and fury. And yet Ami: fury, and yet >it somehow managed to control its trajectory, spinning in >the air and landing on its feet, directly in front of the >two sailor senshi. Ami: How, telekinesis? Superior agility? Holds a gun to the author? >In an instant, its right hand shot out towards Mina. The >girl, stunned by the creature's inhuman resilience and >speed, tried to step back, but it was too late. The enormous >hand surrounded her neck, immediately cutting the air flow >to her lungs. As she desperately tried to break the steel Ami: Note: The Senshi can survive deep vaccuum without exploding or dying of air loss...at least not immediately. As seen in the Sailor Moon Z movie. Bailesu: He probably hasn't seen that. I assume from the names he is going by the NA Dub. Ami: Well, it's largely academic given what happens next. >grip, the hellspawn closed its fist, crushing >her windpipe, snapping her neck, and ultimately beheading the girl. Zoisite: Go, go, monster! Kill 'em all! Ami: Hmph. >to evade the beast's fangs to no avail. As soon as he made >contact with the metallic teeth the monster's mouth Ami: teeth, the >A whooshing sound ripped through the air as the monster's >arm lashed towards her. The back of its fist struck her face >before she managed to finish the spell. The blow instantly >destroyed her head, splattering small pieces of skull and >brains in all directions within a fine mist of blood. Ami: The question again comes to mind why this monster wasn't deployed earlier...Given it is so powerful and effective, why wasn't it used earlier? Zoisite: I don't care as long as you ALL DIE LIKE I DID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! >Sailor Mercury's face was a contorted expression of barely >controlled panic. Everything was happening so fast that by Ami: Sailor Mercury had a contorted expression of barely controlled panic on her face. >the time she managed to slap Serena out of her hysterical >frenzy her teammates had been slaughtered. Sailor Moon was Ami: frenzy, her Zoisite: Slaughtered. I like the sound of that. Bailesu: Watch out or you're gonna be dead again, Zoisite. >But the monster had other plans. Unable to approach the girl Ami: However, the monster Ami: You don't normally start a sentence or paragraph with But Bailesu: But what if you want to? [Ami mallets Bailesu.] >suddenly saw Amy literally blown off her feet by the force >of the impact. Before the cat could do anything, both Ami: literally knocked off her feet Ami: You wouldn't normally say that an impact "blows" you off your feet. As compared to a wind. >corpses landed heavily on her, crushing her >underneath their combined weight. Zoisite: FINISH THEM! [Mortal Kombat music begins to play.] >Slowly the beast advanced towards Serena, who lay on the >ground, curled up, whimpering in terror. A small figure >stood a few metres behind her, in the shadows. This went >unnoticed by the creature as it approached the helpless >girl. Ami: I assume the small figure is the fifth person who was left after Rei died? Zoisite: Death. Such a beautiful word. >Before she manage to fire, however, the monster smashed the >tip of the baton with one powerful blow. Such was the force >of the impact that the sceptre was actually torn from her >hands, breaking three fingers of one hand, four in the >other, including her right wrist. Zoisite: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Ami: One more crack and you're gonna get it. [Bailesu runs for the blast shelter, remembering the fate of the last reviewer.] >The creature grinned, looking around at the carnage. It knew >it had done well. Its masters would be pleased, perhaps they >would even offer to heal the painful wounds it had suffered >during the battle. Ami: What, this is just some joe schmuck monster? Kills us all singlehandedly, which no other creature has ever managed, and its just some stupid goon? Bailesu: I take it your suspended disbelief just stopped being suspended? Ami: I'm getting there... >A few metres away stood a lonely little girl in a sailor >fuku, quietly glaring back at it. Her expression was calm, >almost featureless. Only her large honey eyes showed any >glimpse of emotion. >And fear it was not. Zoisite: Eh? Who's this? Bailesu: And why has she been sitting around on her ass the whole time? > >The girl somehow managed to twist her body in mid-air so as >to evade the bulk of the creature's body. Instead she passed >right besides it. In one blinding move her fist shot out, Ami: Instead, she Ami: In one blinding move, her fist >was happening both her feet smashed against the back of its Ami: happening, both >touching the ground she performed an impossible somersault >from the monster's back. Ami: touching the ground, she >She turned around. Only the bodies of Serena and Tuxedo Mask >remained, as the monster had suddenly turned into a small >card which had quickly burned away. She carefully positioned >Serena's body on top of Tuxedo's, gently placing his arms >around her. She silently stood besides them for a minute. Ami: Why would Ail and Ann send a monster to a deep cave? Zoisite: Who cares! It killed all of you!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! [There is a bright flash of light and Sailors Mars, Moon, Venus, and Jupiter appear around Zoisite.] Zoisite: I think I'm in serious trouble.... Moon: First you, then we're gonna find the author of this fanfic and punish him in the name of the Moon! [Zoisite flees into the sunset with the Sailors chasing him.] Bailesu: [peeks his head out] Is it over? Is it safe for me to come out? ______________________________________________________ Further comments on this story: The characterization and writing is good in this story. The only major problem is that it remains unclear until the end of the story as to who all exactly has gone into the cave....And you constantly have to guess who is speaking. However, the plot bothers me for several reasons. 1. The least important reason is that it is antithetical to the spirit of the series to simply slaughter all of the characters. But especially in fanfic, it is a matter of to each their own. 2. The second, and larger problem is that since it seems that Gally was there the whole time...WHY THE HELL DID SHE JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH THEM DIE? The ending makes it stone cold clear that the monster doesn't have a chance in hell of beating her. The reference to eight people and later five makes it clear she was there. SO why does she just stand there and let them be slaughtered? She's not a moron...The rest of them panicking, not fighting together well, etc is totally in character, but it makes NO sense to me that she just waits until everyone else is a corpse to do anything. 3. The biggest problem: Why the hell wasn't this monster used earlier? If it is capable of easily slaughtering the senshi, why wasn't it deployed at some earlier point? Let's face it, the Youma generals were supposed to be the biggest badasses in the Youma legions, and they weren't 1/10th as deadly as this thing. Beryl possessed by Metallia couldn't even take down Sailor Moon by herself...but Joe Monster, who can't even count on getting medical help after his battle kills them all? I can't buy it. If this was something/one important, I might be able to buy it...but this is just a joe blow among youmas/cardians/etc., you insinuate...and thus the fact that it kicks ass doesn't make any sense in comparison to the power/success level of past youmas/cardians/daemons/evil wombats. Well, there's my $.02. John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/index.html "Love is the image you place around your significant other, and how close it is to being true love depends on how closely he or she fits into the mold."--Orlando de La Cruz