PHOTO STICKER QUEST A BAILESUCOM Game by JOHN WALTER BILES Asleep You float in the misty void of sleep. >GOAL To find the holy grail. >REALLY? No. >THEN WHAT IS IT? Didn't you read the manual? >NO. Did you read the title? >NO. You're playing this game, and you don't know what the game is? >THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP. You are eaten by a grue. Game over. Now, go give me to someone who knows what they're doing. >YOU CAN'T DO THAT! Sigh. You're right. Okay, here's the scoop. I'm only going to repeat this once. Your name is Keitaro. Your favorite color is green. Your quest is to get a photo sticker of yourself with each of the women who lives in the women's dormitory you're the kanrinin (manager) of. Once you put them all in your scrapbook, you win. Do I need to repeat that in one syllable words for you? >NO. I refuse to go any further until you use at least one word with more than one syllable. >ABOUT HAS MORE THAN ONE SYLLABLE. HAH! Punk. Anyway, can we get back to actually playing? I need to kill you to relieve my stress. >I CAN DIE IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY? Hey, you said you didn't know what this was about! >I LIED. Punk. >HOW MANY WOMEN LIVE IN MY DORMITORY? That would be telling. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Inability to Pass College Exams Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Exhaustion Keitaro's Pajamas (Worn) Pajama Fluff (in Pajama Pocket) >LOOK OBSESSION You are obsessed with photo stickers. You have billions of them, but they're all of you by yourself. That's why you want to get a photo sticker of yourself with each of the ladies of your dorm: Naru, Mitsune, Shinobu, Motoko, Su, and Mutsumi (although technically she doesn't live in your dorm, but she is cute, so that's all that matters to you) >WAKE UP You don't want to wake up. >YES, I DO. Look Exhaustion. >WHO'S PLAYING THIS? YOU OR ME? Please don't make me answer that. >LOOK EXHAUSTION You're too worn out to get up because you had to clean up the hot spring for five hours last night, after Su tried to use it to make hard boiled eggs, then got busy working on building a functional Gundam and forgot about them. >UGH. Exactly. >SLEEP UNTIL RESTED. You sleep for a while, but then someone starts trying to shake you awake. >IGNORE SHAKING. You do your best to ignore them, but they're shaking you harder now. >AM I FULLY RESTED YET? You can't rest very well while someone is shaking you. >WAKE UP THEN There's no one named 'then' here. >WAKE UP You wake up, staring into Su's idiot savant face. "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!" she shouts. >LOOK FOR SEYMOUR There is no Seymour, only Zuul. Well, Su, anyway. She shakes you again. "I'm hungry! Feed me!" You suspect she might try to see if you're tasty if she doesn't get fed soon. >LOOK ROOM Keitaro's Bedroom Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books, especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed. There is a bed here. There is a scrapbook of stickers here. Su is standing on the bed, shaking you. "FOOD!!!!" >FEED SU Feed Su what? >FEED POCKET FLUFF TO SU You don't have any pocket fluff. >FEED PAJAMA FLUFF TO SU You stick the Pajama Fluff in her mouth. She eats it. "Thanks!" Then she runs off. You get one brownie point. >... I just tell it how I see it. >CHASE SU. Please tell me you're joking. >NO. THIS IS MY BEST CHANCE TO GET HER TO TAKE A STICKER PICTURE WITH ME WHILE SHE'S STILL GRATEFUL. Your funeral. You run after Su. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east. >EAST Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east. >EAST Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east. >EAS...WAIT, THIS ISN'T AN INFINITE LOOP, IS IT? That would be telling. >EAST You sure about that? >YES. EAST! I GO EAST AND I DON'T STOP UNTIL I CATCH UP WITH SU! As you like. You run east, through the door into Su's room. You fall into the large puddle of water just inside the door and begin to sink. Puddle of Water in Su's Room This is a small lake of water. You can make out lots of jungle plants growing all over inside Su's room. You can't see Su anywhere, though. There is an albino crocodile here. >DOES THE CROCODILE TICK? No. >SWIM TO SI...SAVE. SAVE!!!! Game saved. >SWIM TO SIDE. The crocodile eats you. Game over. (RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?) >THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A COMEDY! Hey, I'm laughing. >RESTORE Game restored. >TAKE OFF SHIRT. You take off your shirt. The crocodile blinks in confusion. >WRAP SHIRT AROUND MY HEAD Clever. Played Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I take it? >YES. Sadly, this is not the Bugblatter Beast of Braal. It eats you. Game over. (RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?) >RESTORE Game restored. >TAKE OFF SHIRT. Haven't we already gone down this road? >SHUT UP AND TAKE OFF MY SHIRT ALREADY. I don't swing that way. >TAKE OFF MY SHIRT!!! Okay, okay, you take your shirt off. The crocodile blinks in confusion. >WET SHIRT IN WATER It's already wet. >ROLL SHIRT UP INTO A 'RAT-TAIL'. TIE KNOT ON FAR END. Okay, your shirt is now rolled up and rope like, with a knot at one end. You hear Naru say, "Have you seen Keitaro? He's supposed to be making breakfast for everyone." >USE SHIRT AS WHIP TO DRIVE BACK ALLIGATOR. What alligator? >CROCODILE This sentence no verb. > USE SHIRT AS WHIP TO DRIVE BACK CROCODILE You drive the crocodile back, repeatedly whacking its nose. You get one brownie point. "Oh, he's playing with my crocodile," Su says. "But he fed me first, so I'm happy." >MOVE TO EDGE OF POOL You are now at the edge. "He fed you before he fed me?" Naru sounds angry. >HIDE FROM NARU The crocodile tries to drift over close to you. >WHACK CROC IN NOSE WITH SHIRT It retreats, yelping. "Yes! I had a wholesome breakfast of yummy fluff!" Su sounds very, very perky. >GET OUT OF POOL You clamber out, dripping wet and shirtless. Your pajama pants cling to your legs, and anyone who cares to could see your red heart boxers under them. Su stares at you. Naru stares at you. Su's Room Su's Room is rather like a micro-jungle, complete with puddles of water, wildlife, and tons of plants. It's hot and humid in here. Su is here. Naru is here. >SAVE Game saved. >PUT SHIRT ON. You can't do that while there's a knot tied in it. Naru stares at you some more. "You're half-naked in Su's room! You PERVERT!" Her fist is coming at you. >CATCH FIST. No male in anime can catch a woman's fist when she's trying to hit him for being a pervert. The fist connects, knocking you back into the pool. Puddle of Water in Su's Room This is a small lake of water. You can make out lots of jungle plants growing all over inside Su's room. You can't see Su anywhere, though. There is an albino log here. >WHACK CROCODILE ON THE NOSE WITH SHIRT The crocodile looks offended that you didn't fall for the 'I'm just a log' trick. It retreats. >GET OUT OF POOL You clamber out, dripping wet and shirtless. Your pajama pants cling to your legs, and anyone who cares to could see your red heart boxers under them. Su stares at you. Naru stares at you. Su's Room Su's Room is rather like a micro-jungle, complete with puddles of water, wildlife, and tons of plants. It's hot and humid in here. Su is here. Naru is here. "Now you've come dripping and half-naked into Su's room again! There's just no appeasing your perversion!" Naru proclaims. >SAVE Game saved. >TAKE NARU'S SHIRT. ... >C'MON, TAKE HER SHIRT ALREADY. You quickly pull off Naru's shirt. She's now topless also. Su blinks, then takes off her shirt. >CAREFULLY AVOID SEEING HALF-NAKED SU How do you do this? >STARE AT NARU'S CHEST That works quite well. This game is PG-rated, so I won't go into details. It's worth seeing, though. Maybe even worth the inevitable pain and suffering you're about to endure. Naru shouts, "PERVERT!" >PUT ON NARU'S SHIRT You are no longer topless. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT!" She covers her chest with her arms. Su puts her shirt back on. "What game are we playing?" >SAY TO SU, "THE DON'T LET NARU KILL ME GAME" "That sounds like fun!" Su begins to bounce around, getting in the way as Naru tries to punch you for being hentai. You get one brownie point. >RUN AWAY You turn to run away, only to fall into the pool AGAIN. Puddle of Water in Su's Room This is a small lake of water. You can make out lots of jungle plants growing all over inside Su's room. You can't see Su anywhere, though. There is an albino crocodile here. It stares at the knotted shirt in your hand, sighs, and retreats away from you, then begins to grumble and whine. >CROSS TO SIDE BY DOOR. Done. >GET OUT. GO TO MY ROOM. You get out, leaving Naru shouting at you and the Crocodile whining and Su demonstrating she must be the love child of Plastic Man and Radical Edward. >NOW I'M GOING TO BE SICK Not on the keyboard please. >AM I IN MY ROOM YET? No. >LOOK Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su runs east. >EH, WHAT IS SU DOING HERE? Oops, my mistake. Let's try that again. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Su doesn't run east, because she's not here. But the door to her room is to the east. >GO TO MY ROOM You don't know where your room is, relative to here. >I'M THE MANAGER AND I DON'T KNOW? Everything seems really weirdly blurry. >HEALTH You are in good health. But you're also tired and nearsighted and not wearing your glasses. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Inability to Pass College Exams Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Dampness Naru's Pajama Top (Worn) Pocket Fluff (in Naru's Pajama Top's Pocket) Wet Keitaro's Pajama Bottoms (Worn) Rolled up, knotted Keitaro's Pajama Top >BUT NO GLASSES? You were sleeping. Sleeping in glasses equals broken glasses or bent face. >GOOD POINT. So now what? >HMM. SAVE. Game saved. >WEST You walk into Motoko's room just as she's trying to figure out which side of her pants are actually the front and which are the back so she can put them on. >SO, IN OTHER WORDS, I'M ABOUT TO GET HIT. That about sums it up. You learn quickly. You get one brownie point. >SAVE. Game Saved. >POINT OUT WHICH SIDE IS WHICH. She blinks, then nods. "Stay there so I can crush you after I put my pants on." She starts to put her pants on. >RUN FOR LIFE. You flee out the door. You get one brownie point. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. You hear pants being put on in the distance. >I MUST HAVE VERY GOOD HEARING. When it comes to things likely to lead to you being beaten, yes. >RUN AWAY FROM THE PUTTING ON OF PANTS You flee. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. You hear a door opening in the distance. >RUN AWAY FROM THE DOOR OPENING You run and run. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. You hear running feet coming closer. >GO THROUGH A DOORWAY You run through a random door. Mitsune's Room Mitsune's room is neatly furnished with a very nice bed by the window. As with all the rooms, there's a sliding door to the closet, a window, and a sliding door to the hallway. Mitsune is lounging on the bed. Mitsune looks at you. "Do you normally wear that when you make breakfast?" >TAKE OFF NARU'S TOP. You take the shirt off. Mitsune begins to laugh hysterically as she looks at you, falling off the bed onto the floor. Fluff rises from under the bed due to the impact. >TAKE FLUFF Taken. You get one brownie point. Mitsune laughs even harder, her face turning red from the strain. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Inability to Pass College Exams Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Dampness Wet Keitaro's Pajama Bottoms (Worn) Rolled up, knotted Keitaro's Pajama Top Naru's Pajama Top Pocket Fluff (in Naru's Pajama Top's Pocket) Bed Fluff >PUT ON MY SHIRT You can't wear it while it's knotted up. Mitsune points at your effort to put your shirt on, laughs even more, then gasps and starts having trouble breathing. >APPLY HEIMLICH MANUEVER That's for when people have something caught in their throat. But you get 1 brownie point for wanting to do it. >TRY TO HELP MITSUNE HOWEVER I CAN. Too vague. >KISS MITSUNE You're a very brave man. >JUST DO IT! You kiss Mitsune. She stops choking and stares at you in shock, then passes out. >CHECK PULSE Her pulse is racing wildly. >APPLY CPR. She is still breathing. >I JUST WANT TO BE SURE. Right... You bend over her and start to push on her chest and breathe into her mouth. Her eyes snap open as you hear footsteps in the hallway. >SAY "MITSUNE, ARE YOU OKAY?" She blushes for just a second, then says, "I'm fine. I haven't had such a good laugh in a long time." >SAY "MITSUNE, ARE YOU GRATEFUL ENOUGH TO TAKE A PHOTO STICKER PICTURE WITH ME?" She looks at you, then grins impishly. You have a sinking feeling. >SAY "MITSUNE, IS THAT A YES?" "Only if I get to decide what you wear." >SAY "OKAY." She grins so broadly, she could eat Tokyo with one bite. "Okay, we can go later. You need to make breakfast." You get two brownie points. >UNKNOT MY SHIRT Done. >TAKE OFF NARU'S SHIRT. Done. >PUT ON MY SHIRT. Done. The footsteps are right by the door. >SAY "CAN YOU HIDE ME?" She glances at the door. "It'll cost you." >PAY PRICE She hasn't named a price yet. >GIVE BLANK CHECK TO MITSUNE You don't have a blank check. >SAY "I WILL PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT." Mitsune grins evilly. "Okay, I'll have to find something appropriate, so you can pay me later." Someone knocks on the door. >SAY "HIDE ME NOW!" "Or lose you forever?" >SAVE Game saved. >PANIC In your terror, you run right through the door and crash into Motoko. Mitsune says, "Hey, where are you going?" Motoko falls down. You fall down on top of her, your face buried in what passes for her bosom, though not very well. >COMMEND MY SOUL TO BUDDHA Buddha is not here. >GET OFF MOTOKO You SURE you want to do that? >WHAT, YOU THINK I SHOULD STAY ON HER? Oh, THAT's what you mean. You get up off Motoko. Motoko howls at you, "Foul man, trying to grope me!" >SAY "YOU HAD NOTHING WORTH GROPING." I'm just going to point out for the record that you're not carrying a death wish or anything. Motoko stands up and raises her sword. "Prepare to taste the wrath of heaven!" Naru arrives. "Give me back my shirt!" She has wrapped Su around herself as a sort of impromptu bra. Su says, "Hi! This is fun!" >GRAB SU AND USE HER AS A BODY SHIELD You quickly yank Su off Naru. Naru wraps her arms around her chest. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT!" You attempt to interpose Su between you and Motoko, but all this does is cause Motoko to knock BOTH of you into the stratosphere. And Su ends up inside your shirt, somehow. >SCREAM IN HORROR Me too. I feel your pain. High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan. Su sticks her head out of your left sleeve. "I didn't know you could fly, Keitaro." >SAY "CAN YOU MAKE US A PARACHUTE?" Su looks thoughtful. "If I had some Bed Fluff, I could." You fly upwards, even higher. Very High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air is thin here. Su puts a breathing mask and air tank on you, and another one on herself. >SAY "THANK YOU" AND GIVE BED FLUFF TO SU. Su says, "You're welcome." She takes off your shirt, then quickly weaves the Bed Fluff into string which she begins using to sew the shirt into a parachute. You drift upwards, even higher. Extremely High Up Over Asia You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Asia. The air is almost non-existent here. It's very cold. You have no shirt on and you're wet. You can feel ice forming on your body. Fortunately, Su's warm body keeps you from freezing to death, as she's somehow clinging to your torso with her legs while making the parachute. Su says, "Give me your pants." >SHOULD I JUST RESTORE FROM MY SAVED GAME NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH? No. >GIVE MY PANTS TO SU. Your legs cover with ice. Su turns the pants into a harness to attach the parachute to you and her. You begin to fall, slowly at first. Very High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air is thin here. The ice on your torso and head melts. The ice on your legs begins to melt. The Parachute opens, but there's not enough air up here for it to do much good. Su points down at a speck, "Look, there's the Inn! The wind currents should carry us into the hot spring if we're lucky. You do know how to swim, right?" >SAY "YES, I CAN SWIM." "Good, good." You fall more swiftly now. High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan. As you speed up, the remaining ice on you burns away. >WAIT FOR PARACHUTE TO OPEN It lacks the ability to open itself. You plummet like a rocket. High Above The City You Live In You are hundreds of feet above the city you live in. You can see it spread out below you. You will soon splat. >OPEN PARACHUTE It opens, slowing your fall. You gain three brownie points. You drift gently downwards. "Oh wow, it actually worked!" Su says in surprise. Tama-chan flies up to you. "Meow!" she says cheerfully. There's a photosticker stuck to her belly. >LOOK PHOTOSTICKER It's a photosticker of Mutsumi and Tama-chan, surrounded by flowers. You think it's one of the most Kawaii things you've ever seen. Your Obsession with Photo Stickers says, "I want it!" >TAKE PHOTOSTICKER Tama-chan flies out of your reach. Su grabs Tama-chan. "Lunch!" she announces. >TAKE TAMA-CHAN You grab Tama-chan away from Su. "Don't eat our friend," you say. Su pouts. You drift downwards. High Above Something or Another You're over some part of the city, but you can't see clearly enough to tell where exactly you are. >TAKE PHOTOSTICKER OFF TAMA-CHAN You take the photosticker off Tama-chan. You get one brownie point. Su is pouting. >SAY "SU, CAN I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?" "Give me something!" >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Inability to Pass College Exams Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Red Heart Boxers (Worn) Naru's Pajama Top Pocket Fluff (in Naru's Pajama Top's Pocket) Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi Breathing Mask (Worn) Air Tank with 6 hours of Air (Worn) Parachute Harness Parachute Su (Clinging to Flesh) >GIVE INABILITY TO PASS COLLEGE EXAMS TO SU Su takes your Inability to Pass College Exams and begins making a plasma rifle, forty watt range, with it. >BOGGLE You boggle. >WELL, THAT SOLVES ONE OF MY PROBLEMS. WHY DIDN'T I GET ANY BROWNIE POINTS FOR IT? Su's first field test turns your parachute into rags. >... That's why. You plummet like a rock. Rooftop Rushing Up to Meet You You're headed right for someone's roof, which is rushing up at you as you fall. >USE SU AS IMPACT CUSHION You manuever Su into position. She blows the roof open with her plasma rifle. You and Su fall through the hole. Some sort of room or something You're in some sort of room, you think. Everything is blurry, thanks to bad eyesight plus impact shock. The ground is strangely soft and yielding beneath you, but also oddly lumpy. You have a bruise on your head. >SAVE GAME BEFORE GRUE EATS ME Game Saved. >SHAKE HEAD TO CLEAR IT. Your vision clears somewhat. You realize you're lying on top of someone. Two someones, in fact, since Su is still clinging to your body. >SEE WHO IT IS. Mutsumi, dressed in a bathrobe, is lying under you. You can now feel hot air escaping the bathroom; she must have just taken a shower. >GET OF...GET UP OFF MUTSUMI You scramble to your feet. Su is still clinging to you, despite being unconscious. >USE TAMA-CHAN AS A LEVER TO PRY SU OFF ME Small flying turtles make poor levers. >USE BAD EYESIGHT AS LEVER Oh yeah, right. >TAKE PLASMA RIFLE FROM SU Taken. >USE PLASMA RIFLE AS LEVER TO PRY SU OFF ME Su falls off you onto the floor. The impact wakes her up. "Hi!" >TRY TO WAKE UP MUTSUMI How? >KISS MUTSUMI Your Crush on Narusegawa Naru says, "Out of character! You love Naru, and you're not bold enough!" >IGNORE CRUSH You ignore the crush. Crush on Narusegawa Naru says something. >KISS MUTSUMI Her lips are too far away from yours. >KNEEL DOWN OVER MUTSUMI You kneel down over her. Crush on Narusegawa Naru says something. >KISS MUTSUMI You try, but you're wearing a breathing mask. >TAKE OFF BREATHING MASK Done. >KISS MUTSUMI You kiss Mutsumi gently on the lips. Her eyes open and she smiles at you. "Good morning, Keitaro." Crush on Narusegawa Naru shouts something. >IGNORE CRUSH AND KISS MUTSUMI AGAIN. You kiss Mutsumi a little more firmly. She says, "Did you come over to take a bath?" >ASK HER IF SHE WILL TAKE A STICKER PICTURE WITH ME "You need a bath and something to wear first," she says sensibly. >TAKE BATH It's too heavy. Mutsumi giggles. "Do you need my help?" >SAY "YES." Crush on Narusegawa Naru shouts really loudly. >LOOK AT CRUSH Hey, that's not a crush! It's Naru herself! She's still topless and shouting at you. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT! AND STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OTAHIME-SAN!" >ASK MUTSUMI TO KISS NARU AGAIN Mutsumi stands up, goes over, and kisses Naru on the lips. Naru faints. You get one brownie point. >GIVE NARU NARU'S SHIRT Given. >LOOK Mutsumi's Room It's a small, fairly traditional apartment. There's a large footwarmer shoved into one corner, and a bedroll which is only half rolled up in the middle of the room. One door leads outside, one leads to the kitchen, and one leads to the bathroom. The walls are bare. Mutsumi is here. Mutsumi asks, "Ready for a bath?" She puts a hand on your shoulder. Your nose feels weird. >IGNORE NOSE That worked real well with your crush, now didn't it? >HEY, I WORKED PAST THAT. Your funeral. >TAKE MUTSUMI'S HAND Taken. "Can I have my hand back? I'm going to need it." >... Your nose feels a little less weird. >GIVE MUTSUMI'S HAND TO MUTSUMI Given. >HOLD MUTSUMI'S HAND She smiles at you. Your nose feels weird again. >OH, I GET IT. Would you like to be more vague? >I'M ABOUT TO NOSEBLEED Could be. >SEAL NOSTRILS WITH TAMA-CHAN ... >DOES IT WORK? "Would you like a tissue?" Mutsumi asks. >SAY "YES." Mutsumi hands you a tissue. >REMOVE TAMA-CHAN, THEN STUFF TISSUE IN NOSTILS Tama-chan looks at you reproachfully, then flies off into the bathroom. Mutsumi goes into the bathroom. >ENTER BATHROOM This small bathroom has two toilets and a double shower. In fact, it looks like someone knocked out the wall between two bathrooms to make it bigger. One door leads to Mutsumi's apartment, the other leads somewhere else. Tama-chan is here, taking a shower. Mutsumi is here. Mutsumi undoes her belt, showing off the swell of her cleavage, but not yet passing the bounds of decency. She looks at you expectantly. >SAVE GAME Game Saved >HAVE MAD NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI You have No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi, so you can't. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Head Bruise Red Heart Boxers (Worn) Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi Breathing Mask Air Tank with 6 hours of Air (Worn) Parachute Harness (Worn) Plasma Rifle, 40 Watt Range >HEY, I DIDN'T HAVE NO NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI LAST TIME I CHECKED! Crush on Narusegawa Naru whistles innocently. Mutsumi looks at you expectantly. >DROP NO NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI Dropped. Mutsumi picks up your No Nookie with Mutsumi and hands it back to you. "You dropped this." >DROP NO NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI Dropped. Mutsumi picks up your No Nookie with Mutsumi and hands it back to you. "You dropped this." >DROP...HRM. OUT. Out what? >OUT BATHROOM You attempt to reveal the bathroom is gay, but you fail because everyone already knows about his sexuality, since he marched in the last gay pride parade with Danny the Street. >GO MUTSUMI'S ROOM You don't have a Go Board. >GO TO MUTSUMI'S ROOM. You go out to Mutsumi's Room. Mutsumi's Room It's a small, fairly traditional apartment. There's a large footwarmer shoved into one corner, and a bedroll which is only half rolled up in the middle of the room. One door leads outside, one leads to the kitchen, and one leads to the bathroom. The walls are bare. Naru is here, still stunned. >DROP NO MAD NOOKIE WITH MUTSUMI You drop it. It lands on Naru, waking her up, then bounces back into your inventory. Naru sits up and rubs her eyes. "What's going on?" She fumbles for her glasses, which she doesn't have. >FLEE INTO BATHROOM You flee into the bathroom. >ENTER BATHROOM This small bathroom has two toilets and a double shower. In fact, it looks like someone knocked out the wall between two bathrooms to make it bigger. One door leads to Mutsumi's apartment, the other leads somewhere else. Tama-chan is here, taking a shower. Mutsumi is here. She looks at you expectantly. >SAY "NOW WHAT?" "You need to take off your clothing, so you can get clean all over," Mutsumi says, smiling. >TAKE OFF BOXER SHORTS You take them off. You hear footsteps outside the door. Mutsumi looks at you expectantly. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Head Bruise Red Heart Boxers Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi Breathing Mask Air Tank with 6 hours of Air (Worn) Parachute Harness (Worn) Plasma Rifle, 40 Watt Range >TAKE OFF PARACHUTE HARNESS AND AIR TANK Done. Mutsumi looks at you expectantly. There is a knocking on the door. >HIDE BEHIND MUTSUMI She blinks. There is a knocking on the door. Mutsumi says, "Can you see who it is, Keitaro? I'll get the shower running. Oh, and you'd better not carry that plasma rifle into the shower, or we'll both be electrocuted." >ANSWER DOOR It didn't ask you a question. >PUT ON BOXER SHORTS Wise choice. >OPEN DOOR. Naru is standing there, completely dressed. Naru says, "My head hurts. Where am I?" >SAY "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?" Naru looks contemplative. "No." >SAY "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Naru looks contemplative. "No." >SAY "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A PHOTOSTICKER PICTURE WITH ME?" Naru looks contemplative. "I need a bath and some better clothing, first." Your nose feels weird. >SAY "MUTSUMI AND I WERE ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH." "Oh, well, I'll join you then, I guess." She squints her eyes at you. "You're kinda mannish looking, you know." >SAVE GAME. Saved. >SAY "I AM A GUY." "PERVERT!" she screams and kicks you into the stratosphere. >RESTORE Game Restored. >SAY "I HAVEN'T PUT ON ANY MAKEUP YET." "Oh, that makes sense." Naru comes in. Mutsumi finishes fiddling with the shower. "It's ready," she says. >AM I NAKED? I don't want to know. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Head Bruise Red Heart Boxers Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi Breathing Mask Air Tank with 6 hours of Air Parachute Harness Plasma Rifle, 40 Watt Range >DROP PLASMA RIFLE Dropped. >ENTER SHOWER The one with or the one without Tama-chan in it? >ENTER SHOWER WITHOUT TAMA-CHAN You get into the shower. The warm water is invigorating. Mutsumi and Naru both take off their clothing. >STARE AT THEM They're quite naked, but sadly for you, this game has no graphics. Your nose feels really weird. So does... CENSOR WHACKS PARSER Oww! Well, you can guess what else feels weird. >HEY, I DIDN'T TYPE THAT! NO, I DID. >CAN I AT LEAST GET SOME SUGGESTIVE TEXT? Can he? GO RIGHT AHEAD. HEHEHE. You gaze at Mutsumi's ample bosom, your eyes following the curves of her body and... You nosebleed explosively, firing a tissue from each nostril. One strikes Mutsumi in the forehead, knocking her out. She falls. The other beans Naru between the eyes. She slips, kicking the plasma rifle. It flies up, striking you in the groin. You pass out in agony. >AND A GRUE EATS ME? No. >WHERE AM I? Unconscious. >WAKE UP. You wake up. Mutsumi's Room It's a small, fairly traditional apartment. There's a large footwarmer shoved into one corner, and a bedroll which is only half rolled up in the middle of the room. One door leads outside, one leads to the kitchen, and one leads to the bathroom. The walls are bare. Shinobu is in the kitchen, making soup. Tama-chan flies out of the bathroom, circles your head, then flies out the window. >WHAT IS SHINOBU DOING HERE? Are you illiterate? She's in the kitchen, making soup. >LOOK AT ME You are lying on Mutsumi's now spread out bedroll, wearing one of Mutsumi's dresses. >I'M WEARING WHAT? One of Mutsumi's dresses. You do have your boxers on under it, though. >ASK SHINOBU WHAT HAPPENED "I came looking to see if Motoko-chan hurt you, but you were asleep here in a dress," she says. "Are you going to a costume party?" she asks nervously. >SAY "YES." She relaxes. "Would you like some soup?" Mitsune arrives. She is dressed snappily in a nice navy blue suit and is wearing a fedora. She makes a beeline over to you. "There you are!" >SAY "YES, I WOULD LIKE SOME SOUP." Shinobu gives you some Miso Soup. Mitsune grabs you by the hand. "Come on! We have to go get our picture taken right now!" >GO WITH MITSUNE Mitsune drags you somewhere. Somewhere You're in a street, maybe. Or it could be a canyon. Without your glasses, you can't tell for sure. Mitsune is here, dragging you along and grinning. >SAY "WHERE ARE WE GOING?" "To make you up for the Five Hundred Thousand Yen Transvestite Challenge. This time, I'll win for sure! And afterwards, we can take that sticker picture I promised you." Mitsune drags you to a lot of places, and then... Mitsune's Room Mitsune's room is neatly furnished with a very nice bed by the window. As with all the rooms, there's a sliding door to the closet, a window, and a sliding door to the hallway. Mitsune is here. She gets out all her makeup and sits you down in front of the mirror. >LISTEN TO SEE IF MOTOKO IS COMING TO KILL ME You don't hear any footsteps. Mitsune starts making you up. >TELL MITSUNE TO HURRY. "You can't rush a makeover, Keitaro," she says. >LISTEN FOR FOOTSTEPS. There is only silence. Mitsune works on making you up. >LISTEN FOR FOOTSTEPS. There is only silence. Mitsune works on making you up. >LISTEN FOR FOOTSTEPS. There is only silence. Mitsune works on making you up. >ASK MITSUNE TO TREAT MY HEAD BRUISE "Do I look like a doctor?" She does cover it up with makeup so it won't show, though. Mitsune finishes making you up. "Let's go!" >ASK MITSUNE FOR MY GLASSES "Do I look like an optometrist?" Mitsune drags you across town. A Stage Somewhere You're on a big stage, in the wings, waiting your turn to go on with Mitsune. Kentaro is on the stage with Shinobu and Su. Su is wearing her native garb and holding a guitar, while she has dressed Shinobu up as Elvis. Shinobu looks rather displeased by this. >EH? HOW AM I OUT THERE AND OVER HERE? He's Kentaro, you're Keitaro. >LOOK KENTARO He's handsome, rich, well-dressed, and quite slick. And he's after Naru. Crush on Narusegawa Naru urges you to keep him away from Naru. Kentaro notices you looking at him. He smiles at you, and his teeth glint. "Hey, cutie, you busy after the show?" Your stomach churns. "Hey, she doesn't come cheap, you know," Mitsune says. "Hundred thousand yen per minute. But she's worth it." >SAY "I AM NOT A WHORE!" "Yes, yes, you're a geisha, not a whore," Kentaro says reassuringly. "Can I leave yet?" Shinobu asks. "We have to do the Safety Dance first!" Su says. She starts dancing about wildly with Shinobu. >TRIP SU Su falls down. >SAY "RUN, SHINOBU, RUN!" Shinobu runs for it. Kentaro waggles a finger. "You could get disqualified." >BAT EYELASHES AT KENTARO He smiles confidently. "But not when you look so nice." You get one brownie point. He steps up to the mike. "And our next couple, Keiko and Mifune Yoshida!" >STEP OUT WITH MITSUNE You step out onto the stage. Dozens of cameras flash, and a TV camera feeds your face all over Japan, as you realize this is on national TV. Far away, your mother howls in shock and faints. Mitsune poses with you for photos, eating up the adulation. >TAKE ADULATION You're certainly getting a lot of it. Taken. >WIN CONTEST You're being an awfully good sport about this. >I WANT MY CUT OF THE MONEY Who said anything about you getting a cut? >... Kentaro says, "Now, you must show off your talent!" >WAVE OBSESSION WITH PHOTO STICKERS TO THE CROWD The crowd goes wild, cheering. You get one brownie point. Mitsune twitches, then relaxes. "I got Keitaro to dress up in that outfit for free!" The crowd goes wild, cheering. "Keitaro! Marry me!" someone shouts. >SHUDDER You shudder. "Okay, now for our next couple..." You get ushered off the stage to wait in the wings to see who wins. The Wings You're in the area just off stage. It is full of ropes and curtains and old props from productions. A ladder leads up to the sound and light booth, a door leads somewhere, and you get on stage from here. There is a photo sticker booth here. Mitsune is here, in drag. >POINT TO BOOTH Mitsune blinks, then nods. "Okay, we can do it right now." She enters the booth. >ENTER BOOTH You enter the booth with Mitsune. >ACTIVATE BOOTH You snap off a good two dozen photo stickers in various poses, then each take half of them. You get TEN brownie points. Only five more photostickers to go! >I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD COUNT THE ONE I HAVE OF MUTSUMI AND TAMA-CHAN TOWARDS MY TOTAL? No. >LEAVE BOOTH You leave the booth. Mitsune follows you. Kentaro enters. Kentaro says, "Ahh, there you are." He stares at you intently, trying to hypnotise you with his eyes. >GIVE ADULATION OF FANS OF TRANSVESTITES TO KENTARO He takes it, polishes it with a handkerchief for you, then hands it back. "Kiss me and I'll declare you the winner." >SAY "I'M A GUY, YOU IDIOT!" He blinks. "Isn't this the Hina Love Contest?" >SAY "NO, IT'S A TRANSVESTITE CONTEST." Kentaro turns pale. "But...but...I've been kissing all the women!" >SAY "THEY'RE ALL MEN." Kentaro turns white as paper and passes out. Mitsune begins to rifle through his pockets. >LOOT KENTARO This isn't D&D, you know. >LOOT THE BODY! NOW! Okay, okay. You and Mitsune shake him down. She takes the prize money and gives you his bus pass, an Unabridged Works of Shakespeare, and a bag of Scooby Snacks. >SAY "MITSUNE, GIVE ME MY CUT OF THE PRIZE" She shakes her head. "I just did. I never promised you any money. But..." She looks impish. "Would you like a kiss of victory?" >SAY "YES" She steps in closer to you, wraps her arms around you, and... Shinobu enters, still wearing an Elvis suit. "Sempai! Hide me...Sempai?" Her eyes widen. >SAVE GAME Game Saved. >KISS MITSUNE Mitsune starts in surprise, then leans into it, blushing. "You know, you're not half bad at this." She sounds thoughtful. Su walks in. "There you are, Shinobu! Oh, hi, sempai! You look good in a dress!" Shinobu just stares at you in abject shock. >GRAB SU AND SHINOBU Mitsune blinks as you run over and grab both of them. "Sempai?" Shinobu asks in confusion. "Whee! Are we gonna fly again?" Su asks. >ENTER BOOTH You drag them into the booth. >ACTIVATE BOOTH You take a photosticker of yourself with both of them. Now you have three of your six you need. You get twenty brownie points. Shinobu faints from all the stress. Su puts on a doctor outfit. "Stand back, I'll give her CPR." >STAND BACK It's too crowded in here to stand back. Mitsune comes in. "Hey, we weren't done kissing!" Su bends down to give Shinobu mouth to mouth, and her butt sets off the photo sticker machine. There is a Very Embarrassing Photo Sticker here now. >TAKE VERY EMBARRASSING PHOTO STICKER Taken. While you bend to get it, Mitsune wraps herself around you from behind. Shinobu wakes up. "Sempai, am I dead and in hell?" >GIVE MISO SOUP TO SHINOBU. She takes it and starts eating it so she won't have to think about what's going on. You get one brownie point. Su stands up triumphantly, unbalancing how everyone is arranged. The booth topples over, falling on the side with the door. You are now trapped in the photo sticker booth with Shinobu, Su, and Mitsune. You hear footsteps. >IS IT MOKOTO? Your hearing isn't good enough to tell. >KISS MITSUNE You smooch with Mitsune, figuring that if you're going to die anyway, you might as well enjoy life while you can. She cuddles up to you. The floor feels strangely lumpy. >LOOK AT FLOOR You're on top of Su and Shinobu and a bowl of Miso Soup. >HELP SHINOBU UP WHILE STANDING ON SU That's not very nice. >DO IT ANYWAY "Thank you, Sempai," Shinobu says. She's now lying on top of you, as there isn't actually anywhere for her to stand. Su wriggles through the corner of the photobooth, vanishing into the angles of time. >... Me too. Mitsune kisses your cheek. "Oh, Keitaro..." >KISS MITSUNE Shinobu turns red. "Sempai! What about Naru?" Crush on Narusegawa Naru drops No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune into your inventory. >CURSES, FOILED AGAIN Mitsune puts her hand over Shinobu's eyes. "Kiss me again, Keitaro." Someone knocks on the photo sticker booth. "Is there anyone in there?" >SAVE GAME Game saved. >SAY IN FALSETTO, "NO ONE HERE BUT US GIRLS." "That pervert Keitaro isn't in there, is he? I hear he's been crossdressing today," Motoko says. >BLAME CANADA "A curse on those evil Canadians! So they made him into a pervert?" >BLAME AMERICAN TV "Yes, the Brady Bunch could do that to anyone! I'll go destroy them both right now!" >ASK MOTOKO TO GET US OUT OF HERE "No problem." She chops the booth into toothpicks. >TAKE TOOTHPICKS You don't HAVE to take everything I mention >TAKE TOOTHPICKS! Taken. Motoko looks at you with narrowed eyes. "You look like Keitaro." >CLAIM TO BE HIS TWIN SISTER "Oh, that makes sense," she says. "So why is your brother so...so..." >SAY "SEXY?" "Exactly." She freezes up. "No, I mean, why won't he leave me alone to wallow in my angst? I'm supposed to be lonely and bitter because my sister gave up the sword to marry a man! But then he comes around and I get these weird thoughts!" Mitsune kisses your cheek. "C'mon, let's go make out." Motoko narrows her eyes. "Is this...man...bothering you?" >SAY "NO, HE'S MY FIANCEE." Mitsune blushes. "You want to get married? But I...uh...I mean...we're so young...and you don't have a job yet...But I mean...maybe once you get into Tokyo University so you can get a degree and support me..." Crush on Narusegawa Naru pimpslaps you. Shinobu blushes. "Sempai, you're marrying Kitsune-san?" Motoko turns red with anger. "Demanding a woman take care of YOU? You are a truly evil man!" >INTERPOSE SELF BETWEEN THEM You sure about that? >YES Good for you. You stand between them. "Don't hurt my fiancee!" you say. Motoko raises her sword. You recognize this as that nifty attack that goes right through one thing without hurting it to smash whatever is behind it. >SAVE GAME Game saved >OFFER MOTOKO A SCOOBY SNACK She doesn't notice. The sword comes down and the chi passes through you and into Mitsune, knocking her through the wall, through twelve buildings, and into an iron foundry, which promptly collapses on her. >RESTORE Game Restored. >POKE OUT MOTOKO'S EYES WITH TOOTHPICKS Your arms are too short to reach her from here. The sword comes down and the chi passes through you and into Mitsune, knocking her through the wall, through twelve buildings, and into an iron foundry, which promptly collapses on her. >RESTORE Game Restored. >GRAB SWORD WITH BOTH HANDS Your arms are too short to reach her from here. The sword comes down and the chi passes through you and into Mitsune, knocking her through the wall, through twelve buildings, and into an iron foundry, which promptly collapses on her. >RESTORE Game Restored. >GRAB MITSUNE AND PUT HER IN FRONT OF ME You quickly switch places with her. The blow strikes you, leaving Mitsune unharmed. She stares in shock as you go flying up into the air. "Keitaro! You..." You can't hear the rest of what she said. You zoom upwards. High Above Something or Another You're over some part of the city, but you can't see clearly enough to tell where exactly you are. >BRACE FOR LANDING You zoom upwards. High Above The City You Live In You are hundreds of feet above the city you live in. You can see it spread out below you. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Obsession with Photo Stickers Photosticker of you in drag with Mitsune Photosticker of you in drag with Shinobu and Su Very Embarrassing Photosticker Photosticker of Tama-chan and Mutsumi Crush on Narusegawa Naru No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight Tiredness Adulation of Fans of Transvestites Head Bruise (hidden by makeup) Red Heart Boxers (Worn) Breathing Mask Air Tank with 6 hours of Air Parachute Harness Mutsumi's Blue Dress (Worn) Bus Pass Bag of Scooby Snacks Unabridged Works of Shakespeare Toothpicks You zoom upwards High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan. >PUT ON BREATHING MASK AND AIR TANK Done. You fly upwards, even higher. Very High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air is thin here. >PUT ON PARACHUTE HARNESS Done. >OPEN PARACHUTE What parachute? You drift upwards, even higher. Extremely High Up Over Asia You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Asia. The air is almost non-existent here. It's very cold. Fortunately, the dress you're wearing is very modest and it's keeping you warm. And you're not dripping wet this time. >TURN DRESS INTO PARACHUTE A good idea, but you need some string or something else to tie it into the right shape with. >TAKE OFF DRESS Done. You start to get cold. >USE TOOTHPICKS TO ATTACH BLOUSE ARMS EACH TO OPPOSITE SIDE OF SKIRT AND TO PIN TOP OF SKIRT SHUT ... >WELL? You do so. You get three brownie points. You begin to fall, slowly at first. Very High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere above Japan. The air is thin here. You feel a little bit warmer. >USE TOOTHPICKS TO PIN BLOUSE TO PARACHUTE HARNESS Done. You get two brownie points. The air is too thin for the parachute to work here. You fall more swiftly now. High Above Japan You are floating somewhere in the lower atmosphere above central Japan. As you speed up, your legs start getting hot. >OPEN THE PARACHUTE Done. You get three brownie points. The skirt billows, slowing your fall. You drift gently downwards. High Above The City You Live In You are hundreds of feet above the city you live in. You can see it spread out below you. >STEER FOR THE HINA INN You try to steer, but you can't see well enough, and you're not very experienced at this You drift downwards. High Above Steps You're over a long staircase, you think. There's some balding blurs on the stairs >AVOID BLURS You manage to do so. You touch down gently, and then the parachute falls on you. >SAVE GAME Game Saved. >CLIMB OUT FROM UNDER IT You are eaten by a retired, hot springs loving grue while you try to climb out. >I ALWAYS KNEW THOSE OLD MEN WERE UP TO NO GOOD. Yep. Do you want your final score? >RESTORE Game Restored. >TOSS OUT VERY EMBARRASSING PHOTOSTICKER You throw it out, and the old grues begin to look at it and laugh hysterically. You can feel your male pride shrivelling as they laugh about you in a dress. But you do get one brownie point. >RUN BACK TO THE INN WHILE THEY ARE BUSY You start to run, but the dress is slowing you down. The old grues are still laughing, but not as hard. >ABANDON HARNESS AND PARACHUTE Done. The old grues chuckle. >RUN UP STEPS TO INN. You sprint up the steps. Front doors of Hina Inn You're at the top of the long steps, in front of the Hina Inn. The doors hang open welcomingly. >GO TO MY ROOM You can't see your room. >GO IN You go inside. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. >NORTH You go north. Keitaro's Bedroom Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books, especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed. There is a bed here. There is a scrapbook of stickers here. >FIND GLASSES You find your glasses >TAKE GLASSES You take your glasses >PUT ON GLASSES You put on your glasses >LOCK DOOR Sadly, your door has no lock. >PUT MY PHOTOSTICKERS IN SCRAPBOOK You do so. There's three empty slots waiting for the ones you don't have yet. >LIE DOWN AND TAKE NAP You can't do that. >WHY? You're wearing your glasses. >TAKE OFF GLASSES Done. >LIE DOWN AND TAKE NAP You don't see any nap. >LIE DOWN You lie down on the bed. >SLEEP You sleep for several hours, finally getting the rest you need. You get one brownie point. Eventually, you wake up with some sort of warm cylindrical thing on your back. >PUT ON GLASSES You do so. >LOOK Keitaro's Bedroom Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books, especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed. There is a bed here. Bed Contains: You Naked Mutsumi sprawled with one leg on your back There is a scrapbook of stickers here. >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Obsession with Photo Stickers Crush on Narusegawa Naru No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight (Corrected by Glasses) Adulation of Fans of Transvestites Head Bruise (hidden by makeup) Glasses (Worn) Red Heart Boxers (Worn) Breathing Mask (Worn) Air Tank with 3 hours of Air (Worn) Bus Pass Bag of Scooby Snacks Unabridged Works of Shakespeare >LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY UP AT HOLE IN CEILING Naru sticks her head down through the hole. "Hey, Mutsumi, you need to watch out for the hole..." She sees you. "Keitaro, are you naked in bed with Mutsumi- chan???" >SAY "I'M WEARING BOXERS, A BREATHING MASK AND AN AIR TANK!" "Oh, right, you are. Here, give Mutsumi-chan this clothing while I come down to you." She throws you a red dress. >GIVE DRESS TO MUTSUMI Mutsumi is unconscious and can't accept your kind gift. >WAKE MUTSUMI WITH A KISS You're still wearing a breathing mask. >EXPERIENCE DEJA VU Feel free. >TAKE OFF BREATHING MASK Done. >KISS MUTSUMI She wakes up and smiles at you. "Hello, Keitaro." >GIVE DRESS TO MUTSUMI She takes the dress and puts it on. You hear footsteps in the hallway. >GET CLOTHING FOR ME You get up and go to your closet to get dressed. There is a knock on the door. >SAY "COME IN." Motoko comes in. "Is Keitaro here?" >HIDE IN CLOSET You press back in among your clothing. "He's hiding in the closet," Mutsumi says helpfully. >WHIMPER You whimper. "Hey, Keitaro, did you know your sister is getting married?" >SAY "YES" "She sacrificed herself to save her fiancee. I can respect that, for her sake, I won't beat you up any more until you deserve it." >PUT ON SOME CLOTHING You get dressed. >SAY "MOTOKO, WOULD YOU TAKE A STICKER PICTURE WITH ME?" "I can only take a sticker picture with a man who defeats me in hand to hand combat." >WHIMPER You whimper. Mutsumi says, "Keitaro, are you okay?" You hear footsteps in your room. >COME OUT OF THE CLOSET We've already done that joke. >LEAVE CLOSET You step out into the room. Keitaro's Bedroom Your bedroom is fairly spartan. The walls are largely unadorned, although you have sliding doors to your closet. There's a hole in the ceiling with a board over it on the top side. You have a fair number of books, especially your sticker collection scrapbooks. There's also a bedroll currently unrolled with sheets on it. You're lying on the bed. There is a bed here. There is a scrapbook of stickers here. Naru is here. Mutsumi is here. Motoko is here. >DEFEAT MOTOKO IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT You rush her, and she casually flicks her scabbard at you, as that's all she needs. You go flying up into the air. You zoom up over the city, but she didn't give you much force this time. You come crashing down through a roof into... Seta's Workplace You're in Seta's Archaeology workshop, full of old artifacts and tools for working on them. Seta is here. Sara McDougal is here. Broken Artifacts are here. Mi-Go Brain Case is here. Excalibur is here. Large Urn is here. Sarcophagus is here. Rare Artifacts are here. Seta says, "Hi, Keitaro. Can you clean up those artifacts you just landed on while I go get a soda?" >SAY "YES, IF YOU TRAIN ME IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT" "Trying to beat Motoko?" Sara stands behind her father, juggling Rare Artifacts. >POINT AT SARA Seta turns, but Sara puts the artifacts down before he can see her. "You need to defeat Sara?" >SAY "NO, MOTOKO." "You don't need to beat Motoko?" He turns back to you. Sara stands behind her father, juggling Rare Artifacts. >SAY "I NEED TO BEAT MOTOKO" "Then you'll need to train with a swordsmaster. I'm too busy with my work." >SAY "CAN I HAVE EXCALIBUR?" "If you'll babysit Sara for a while." You get a feeling of impending doom. >SAY "YES" "Okay, I'm going to go have mad passionate sex with Haruka-san. I'll be back in a few hours. Just keep an eye on Sara, okay?" Sara drops Rare Arfifacts. Rare Artifacts break. "Daddy, don't leave me with that punk! Take me with you!" Sara clings to his leg. >CLEAN UP ALL THE BROKEN ARTIFACTS. You start cleaning them up while Seta argues with Sara. Seta finally says, "I'm off to get some! See you two later!" Seta leaves. Sara begins looking at the Mi-Go Brain Case, then at you, then at it contemplatively. >AM I DONE CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS? No. >FINISH CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS While you work on that, Sara takes a tape measure and measures your skull circumference. >AM I DONE? No. >FINISH CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS While you work on that, Sara begins digging through her father's tools. >AM I DONE? No. >FINISH CLEANING UP ARTIFACTS While you work on that, Sara pulls out a chainsaw. >TAKE EXCALIBUR Taken Sara approaches you with the chainsaw. >SAVE GAME Game Saved. >PARRY WITH EXCALIBUR You block her attack. She tries again. >PARRY WITH EXCALIBUR You block her attack. She tries again. >PARRY WITH EXCALIBUR You block her attack. She goes for a leg shot. >JUMP KICK SARA You jump kick her, dodging the attack. She staggers back towards the sarcophagus, dropping the chainsaw. >KICK SARA INTO SARCOPHAGUS You kick her into the sarcophagus. >CLOSE SARCOPHAGUS You close it. She starts to pound on the lid. >SIT ON SARCOPHAGUS UNTIL SETA RETURNS You sit on the lid for a very long time while she pounds on the lid from inside. Seta returns, looking cheerful. "Did she give you any trouble?" >SAY "NOTHING I COULDN'T HANDLE." "Good. Take Excalibur with my blessing." >SAY "WHERE CAN I FIND A SWORDMASTER?" "You must go to Mount Hina and train with the master there." >GO TO MOUNT HINA It's an awfully long walk. >USE BUS PASS TO TAKE BUS TO MOUNT HINA Good idea. You get a brownie point Base of Mount Hina You're at the base of a large mountain which rises up into the clouds far above. There's a long staircase up. >GO UP You head up the staircase. On the Staircase You're on a staircase partway up the slope of Mount Hina. >GO UP You head up the staircase. On the Staircase You're on a staircase partway up the slope of Mount Hina. >GO UP You head up the staircase. On the Staircase You're on a staircase partway up the slope of Mount Hina. >LOOK AROUND SUSPICOUSLY You don't see anything suspicious >AM I MAKING ANY PROGRESS? Define Progress. >AM I CLOSER TO THE TOP? Than Su is, yes. >HOW MUCH FURTHER DO I HAVE TO GO? Until you're done >EXAMINE STAIRCASE It's an escalator going down. >GET OFF STAIRCASE You step off it. >CLIMB MOUNTAIN You climb up the mountain. Finally, you reach the top. Top of Mount Hina There is a small palace here. An escalator leads down the mountain, and you can see another one on the other side of the mountain which comes up. A middle-aged, dark-haired man is here, practicing sword forms in a tuxedo. >SAY "MASTER, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? I AM URASHIMA KEITARO." He bows to you. "I am Millard Fillmore, thirteenth president of the United States, American Samurai." >BLINK You blink. >SAY "AREN'T YOU DEAD?" "I got better." >SAY "CAN YOU TRAIN ME TO DEFEAT MOTOKO IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT?" "Do you have a spare decade?" >SAY "NO" "Then you're out of luck." Millard Fillmore's stomach rumbles. >OFFER FILLMORE-SAMA A SCOOBY SNACK He takes it and eats it. "Hmm, perhaps I could trade you something that could help you if you had more of these." >TRADE SCOOBY SNACKS FOR SOMETHING TO HELP ME Millard Fillmore looks you up and down thoughtfully, then reaches into a pocket and pulls out a big can of whoopass. He hands it to you. "Use it wisely." >BOW TO FILLMORE-SAMA He bows back. >GO FIND MOTOKO There is no Find Motoko to go to. >DOWN You climb down the mountain. Base of Mount Hina You're at the base of a large mountain which rises up into the clouds far above. There's a long staircase up. >TAKE BUS TO HINA INN Okay, you flash your bus pass and take the bus home. Front doors of Hina Inn You're at the top of the long steps, in front of the Hina Inn. The doors hang open welcomingly. >GO TO MY ROOM You can't see your room. >GO IN You go inside. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Your room is to the North. >EAST You go east. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Mitsune's room is to the North. >EAST You go east. Hallway You're in the maze of twisty, bendy hallways all alike which make up much of the interior of the Hina Inn. Motoko's room is to the North. >SAVE GAME Game Saved >NORTH You walk into Motoko's room, right as she's changing out of a towel into her kendo outfit. >SPRAY DOWN MOTOKO WITH CAN OF WHOOPASS Nothing can defeat a righteously angry anime woman. She swings with her sword and knocks the can of whoopass out of your hands, then raises the sword for another blow. >RUN FOR LIFE She strikes you with her distance attack, sending you flying into the upper atmosphere. >RESTORE Game Restored. >KNOCK ON DOOR "Just a second," Motoko says. >WAIT FOR MOTOKO Nothing happens. >WAIT FOR MOTOKO Nothing happens. >DO I HEAR THE PUTTING ON OF PANTS? Yes. >WAIT FOR MOTOKO Nothing happens. Godot arrives from the east. >SAY "HELLO, GODOT." He waves. "I'm looking for these two fellows. I was supposed to meet them, but I can't remember where I left them." >SAY "IN A DIFFERENT WORK OF FICTION THAN THIS ONE." "Oh, RIGHT! I kept wondering why this didn't look familiar." He bows. "Can I help you with anything?" >ASK FOR PHOTO STICKER BOOTH "You're in luck, I have one left." He gives you a photo sticker booth. You get one brownie point. >BOW TO GODOT-SAMA He bows back, tips his hat, and leaves. Motoko comes out. "Oh, hi, Urashima-san." >CHALLENGE MOTOKO TO DUEL "Okay, sure," she says, drawing her sword. >HOSE DOWN MOTOKO WITH CAN OF WHOOPASS You hose her down, knocking her out. You get three brownie points. >WAIT FOR MOTOKO TO WAKE UP Nothing Happens. >SKIP AHEAD TO WHEN SOMETHING DOES HAPPEN You're no fun. Motoko wakes up. >SAY "READY FOR THE PHOTOSTICKER?" "You actually beat me." She sounds very confused. >BRANDISH CAN OF WHOOPASS "Ahh, I see Father gave you his can of whoopass," she says. "Let's take the picture, then. It is fate." >ENTER BOOTH You're holding it. >DROP BOOTH Dropped. >ENTER BOOTH You enter the booth. Motoko enters the booth. >TAKE PHOTOSTICKER PICTURE It comes out perfect, with both of you surrounded by a frame of interlaced swords. You get ten points. >SAY "THANK YOU." To your surprise, she blushes slightly. "Since we will soon be married, it is appropriate." >SAY "MARRIED?" "Before I left home, Father made me promise I would marry whoever he gave his can of whoopass to." She looks at the can. "That is his can." >TWITCH You twitch. Crush on Narusegawa Naru pimpslaps you for getting into this. >LOOK AT MOTOKO She looks somewhat embarrassed. She's cute when she blushes like that. Cute like a dressed up rattlesnake, perhaps, but cute. >PUT HAND ON MOTOKO'S SHOULDER She blinks. >SAY "I WON'T MAKE YOU MARRY ME." "I must honor my promise. And you are a good man. Perhaps we can have a double wedding with your sister and her fiancee." >TWITCH MORE You twitch You hear someone outside the booth. >LEAVE BOOTH You leave the booth. Naru is here, holding hands with Mutsumi. Motoko leaves the booth. >SAY "NARU AND MUTSUME, WOULD YOU TAKE A PHOTOSTICKER PICTURE WITH ME?" Mutsumi says, "Sure, Kei-kun." Naru says, "Once we pass our exams, we can take a photosticker picture to celebrate." >PASS EXAM There is no exam here. >SAY "LET'S GO STUDY" Everyone blinks. Naru checks your forehead. "No fever." Mutsumi smiles. "Ronin Trio to battle!" She drags you both off to Naru's Room. Naru's Room Naru's room is one you know well, though for once you're not poking your head up through the hole in her floor. There's a very nice foot warmer in the center of the room, which has various school books piled on it. There's a board over the hole with a yellow doll on it. Naru sits at the footwarmer. Mutsume sits at the footwarmer. >SIT AT THE FOOTWARMER You sit. >PASS EXAM What exam? Naru hands out sample exams to you and Mutsumi. Mutsumi faints for no particular reason. >KISS M...INVENTORY >INVENTORY You are carrying: Promise to Enter Tokyo University Obsession with Photo Stickers Photosticker of Keitaro and Motoko Crush on Narusegawa Naru No Mad Nookie with Mutsumi No Photo Sticker Booth Nookie with Mitsune Artistic Ability Bad Eyesight (Corrected by Glasses) Adulation of Fans of Transvestites Head Bruise (hidden by makeup) Glasses (Worn) Blue Maison Ikkoku T-Shirt (worn) Blue Jeans (worn) Red Heart Boxers (Worn) Breathing Mask (Worn) Air Tank with 3 hours of Air (Worn) Bus Pass Unabridged Works of Shakespeare Excalibur Can of Whoopass >TAKE OFF MASK AND AIR TANK Done. >KISS MITSUMI Naru stops you. "Hey, you can't just kiss her in front of me!" >KISS NARU Naru's eyes widen in shock as you smooch her. After a moment's hesitation, she leans into it. >LOOK AT CRUSH ON NARU NARUSEGAWA FOR APPROVAL "You have my blessing," it says. >HAVE MAD NOOKIE WITH NARU You begin intensely making out with her. Motoko walks in. Shinobu walks in. Mitsune walks in. Mutsumi wakes up. >SAVE GAME Game Saved. >DO THEY KILL ME? Naru makes out with you some more. Motoko gasps. Shinobu blushes. Su erupts out of a corner, riding a Hound of Tindalos. "Get along, little doggie!" she shouts. Mitsune says, "Hey, you proposed to me first!" Mutsumi kisses both of you on the cheek. "I like you, Kei-kun. I like you, Naru-chan." She smiles. Tama-chan lands on her head. >PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO EVERYONE Naru is too busy kissing you to reply. Motoko says weakly, "We're already engaged." Shinobu gulps, "Do you really mean it, Sempai?" Su says, "Sure thing, Big Brother!" She rides round and round you. Mitsune says, "If I get to handle the money for this family, sure." Mutsumi says, "Sure!" >DO I WIN? Your goal is photostickers, not marriage. >HAVE MAD NOOKIE WITH EVERYONE, THEN GO TAKE PHOTO STICKER PICTURES WITH EVERYONE Crush on Naru Narusegawa gets jealous and pimpslaps you before you can suggest it. >SAY "SHINOBU, YES, I AM SERIOUS." "Okay, then...I will marry you!" she says and hugs you. You get six brownie points. Naru says, "You have to get into Tokyo University, and then we can all get married!" >PICK UP EVERYONE. Taken. You wobble under the weight. >PUT EVERYONE IN SHIRT POCKET You don't have a shirt pocket. >RUN TO EXAM PLACE You run as fast as you can, staggering into the exam room. Unfortunately, the next exam isn't for two months. >ASK SU TO USE THE HOUND TO TAKE US TWO MONTHS INTO THE FUTURE "Sure thing, big brother!" She yanks you all through one of the corners on the Hound's back. You arrive two months in the future, and the poor Hound collapses, exhausted. You get five brownie points. Exam Room This is a room where entrance exams are held. There are many students here. >TAKE EXAM WITH MUTSUMI AND NARU What about the others? >ASK THEM TO WATCH FOR DANGER Motoko nods and stands alert, armed with her sword. Su sits on her Hound, armed with a Plasma Rifle Shinobu blinks. >GIVE EXCALIBUR TO MOTOKO She stares in surprise. "You honor me with this gift." She bows, then stands alert with it. >TAKE EXAM WITH MUTSUMI AND NARU The three of you sit down and start working on your exams. >MAKE SURE MUTSUMI PUT RIGHT NAME ON HER EXAM "Oh, silly me. That would help." She corrects it. >WORK ON MY EXAM You work on it. It's easy now that you no longer have an Inability to Pass College Exams. Sara McDougal has arrived, carrying a long black blade that howls for blood. The exam monitor says, "I'm sorry, but evil artifact weapons are not allowed during exams. You might steal someone's answers with them." >SAY "RUN, MONITOR, RUN!" He blinks. "Run from what?" Sara McDougal leaps at you, sword out. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" >SAY "MOTOKO, TAKE HER DOWN" Motoko begins fighting, sword to sword with Sara. You get two brownie points. Kentaro comes in and makes a beeline for Naru, who is puzzling over a problem >SAY "SHINOBU, PLEASE GIVE KENTARO A WEDGIE" She blushes. "I can't touch his underwear." The Exam Monitor says, "No talking during the exam." >WORK ON EXAM You continue Kentaro begins to talk to Naru, distracting her. >UNLEASH CRUSH ON NARU NARUSEGAWA It bounds across the room and leaps onto Kentaro. He flees for his life with it in hot pursuit. >WORK ON EXAM You continue working. You're now mostly done. But you're stumped on identifying the source of the quote "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." >CONSULT UNABRIDGED WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE That would be cheating. >ARE YOU INSINUATING SOMETHING? Do you want to get into Tokyo University by cheating? >I WANT NOOKIE I'd gathered that much. >HOLD ON... Hey, you're not consulting Shakespeare where I can't see you, are you? >NO, OF COURSE NOT. Good. >I USED A WEB SEARCH Hrmph. >ANSWER QUESTION WITH 'SHAKESPEARE'S PLAY, MACBETH' Right. You get a brownie point. >WORK ON EXAM You work on the exam. Motoko disarms Sara and begins to spank her. Sara whines piteously for her father. >WORK ON EXAM You work on the exam Mutsumi finishes her exam, but faints instead of turning it in. >ASK SHINOBU TO TURN THE EXAM IN FOR HER Shinobu nods and takes it up to the front. >WORK ON EXAM You work on the exam Mitsune latches onto you and snuggles. "C'mon, better hurry up!" >KISS MITSUNE You kiss her. The exam monitor says, "No kissing. You might be swapping DNA encoded with exam answers." He pries you apart from each other with the Jaws of No Fondling. >WORK ON EXAM You are nearly finished. You hear a van approaching. >FINISH EXAM QUICKLY You finish the exam. A van crashes through the wall. >SAVE NARU FROM THE VAN You run over and heft Naru, her desk, and her exam and run out of the way. Everyone scatters. The van hits your desk, knocking your exam papers into the air. >SAY "MITSUNE, SAVE MY EXAM!" Mitsune uses her secret ninja training to leap into the air, grab all the papers, then land on the roof of the van, before vaulting down to turn in your test for you. Naru continues working on her test. Seta stumbles out of the van. "There you are, Sara!" Blood is streaming down his face. >LOOK INSIDE VAN There is a photo sticker booth inside the van. >OFFER SETA A HANDKERCHIEF You don't have one. >OFFER SETA MY CONDOLENCES You don't have any. >HOSE SETA DOWN WITH A CAN OF WHOOPASS He screams and collapses. Oddly, the blood on his face vanishes. >WAIT FOR NARU TO TURN HER TEST IN Naru turns her test in, then comes over and takes your hand. "Now, we just wait for the results in a few days." >HAVE HOUND TAKE US ALL TO THE FUTURE WHEN THE RESULTS ARE POSTED It looks at you mournfully. >THREATEN HOUND WITH CAN It sighs and drags you all to the future. >CHECK GRADES You, Naru, and Mutsumi all passed the exam. You get three brownie points. >TAKE PHOTO STICKER PICTURES WITH EVERYONE! There is no booth here. You left it in the past. >GO TO PHOTO STICKER BOOTH Where? >CARRY EVERYONE BACK TO HINA INN Okay, you do. Then you collapse exhausted. >CRAWL TO PHOTO STICKER BOOTH OUTSIDE MOTOKO'S ROOM You reach the booth, barely. >GO INSIDE WITH EVERYONE You all cram yourself into the booth. It's hard to breathe. >ACTIVATE BOOTH You take a photosticker of yourself with everyone, though it's hard to make out faces when you're all so crowded together. You get thirty brownie points. You have won! Congratulations. >HEY, I DIDN'T GET ANY NOOKIE! Well, duh. This is Photo Sticker Quest, not Nookie Quest. >I WANT MY MONEY BACK! Complain to Bailesucom, not me. Anyway, you won, so be quiet and bask in your victory. The game's over. >THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? I can't actually stop until you type Quit. >I REFUSE TO QUIT UNTIL I GET SOME NOOKIE Fine. Parser hands Some Nookie to you. >I WANT EXPLICIT, ON SCREEN NOOKIE, PREFERABLY IN 20 PARAGRAPHS OR MORE PER GIRL This is a PG rated game. And half of them are underage, anyway! >AND? Fine. You can just stay here and wait. I'm going to Disneyland. >YOU CAN'T DO THAT! Sure I can. Parser grabs can of whoopass. >HEY! Hehe. Parser sprays down Player with Can of Whoopass. >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! And that finishes that. Parser goes to Disneyland. GAME OVER. YOU HAVE SCORED A LOT OF POINTS WE'RE TOO LAZY TO COUNT, AS THE PARSER LEFT FOR DISNEYLAND WITHOUT FINISHING HIS TOTAL. THANKS FOR PLAYING!