Beryl couldn't take it any more. Abandoning her duties as an evil queen, she had spent the last three days watching MTV. This did more to restore her desire to destroy the human race than anything else could have. "The Real World. Feh! I'll show them the REAL WORLD!" Her strength of purpose restored, she sent a psychic summons to Generals Ego and Horny. Much to her surprise, they appeared a few seconds later, actually dressed in their uniforms. "We live to serve," General Ego said flatly. Beryl blinked, then smiled. "I have a new mission for you. Finding Serenity's rings can wait a few days." "We live to serve," General Horny said in a far more subdued voice than usual. "You will find the cast of 'The Real World' and turn them all into Youma. Then we will be able to drain energy from everyone who watches that show. And they won't have enough brain cells left to tell." "Yes, Queen Beryl," Ego said flatly. "And while you're at it, bring me the head of Pauly Shore. On a plate." "Yes, Queen Beryl," Horny said calmly. Perhaps they've finally learned some discipline, Beryl thought. "Also, after watching the Vanilla Ice retrospective, I have realized that this man would make a perfect leader for my armies. Bring him to me." "Your wish is our command," Ego said flatly. "And bring me a copy of 'The Big Eighties' CD." "Your wish is our command," Horny said calmly. A whiff of suspicion struck Beryl. "Horny, state your name." "I will do all that you have requested," Ego said flatly. Beryl waited thirty seconds. "I will do all that you have requested," Horny said calmly. Beryl held up her staff. "Staff, smite all animatronic puppets present." Two dark bolts of energy flew forth and vaporized Horny and Ego's animatronic doubles. Beryl sighed and sent out another psychic summons. This was clearly going to be one of those days. ******************* Marmalade Moon, Episode 7: "Double Doom. Double the fun?" http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/MMoon by John Biles ******************** Yuu, Makoto, and Ginta sat back and watched two giant robots duke it out with each other with huge nerf weapons. It was 'Giant Robot Attack' day at the Hundred Yen Theater. The ladies had turned down the invitation to come watch some of the cheesiest giant robot movies of all time, like 'Ultraman vs. Frankenstein, Jr.', 'Gundam Express 999', 'Giant Robo vs. Robo-Smurf', and 'Robby The Robot's Rampage'. Right now, Robo-Smurf was throwing Giant Robo at the Great Pyramid. "Go, Robo-Smurf! Wipe out that nuclear monstrosity!" Makoto shouted, along with half the audience. "Get up, Giant Robo! You can do it!" Ginta shouted, laughing. Yuu simply smiled as various other audience members laughed and yelled comments at the screen. Eventually, he said, "I wish they'd blow up our school before exams." "They that tough at your school?" Makoto asked. "Naah, he's just lazy," Ginta said. "Said #106." They glared at each other for a moment, then Ginta laughed ruefully. "It's gonna be time to start studying for college exams way too soon." "We've got three fourths of a year to go," Yuu said. "I'm not worried." "I've got science down pat," Makoto said, "But I'm not so sure about literature and history. I've never been good at them, other than writing poetry." "You write poetry?" Ginta asked, surprised. "Yeah." Ginta nudged Yuu. "I bet he writes Nanami love poems." Makoto turned red. "I...uh..." "So how long have you two been dating?" "We're not dating!" Makoto said. "Uh huh," Yuu and Ginta said in unison. On the screen, Giant Robo picked up the Sphinx and hurled it at Robo-Smurf. It transformed into Robo- Azrael and began to chase him. "We're just friends," Makoto asserted. "Uh huh. Friends joined at the hip." Yuu said. "We are not joined at the hip!" Makoto said. "We just hang out a lot because we've been friends since childhood." "Uh huh." Makoto stood up and shouted, "I AM NOT DATING NANAMI JINNAI!!!!!!" "So, you're secretly engaged?" Ginta teased. Everyone turned and stared, and Makoto quietly shrank in on himself, wishing he had the power to become about an inch tall. He faked it well. ************ Meiko, Arimi, Miki, Setsuna, and Nanami were at Setsuna's house, watching Shoujo anime, a concert tape, and various other things they greatly enjoyed but which would have sent the menfolk into conniption fits (as the giant robot fest would have done to them). As j-pop crept insidiously into their brains, consuming valuable storage space that could have been spent better on almost anything else, like memorizing potato textures, Setsuna said, "Hey, Nanami, are you any good at tennis?" Nanami grinned. "You could say that." Arimi and Miki both laughed. "How about a game of...oh wait, we have five people." She sighed. "My family has a tennis court, but I rarely get to use it." Miki's eyes widened. "Your own court? How loaded is your family?" "Pretty ridiculously. Father has some kind of super-stock speculation power, or something. At least, Mom claims it must be magic. So, we're pretty well off." "I can just keep score if you want to play a game," Meiko said. "You don't mind?" Setsuna asked. "I hate to make you watch." "I'm used to watching Miki play," Meiko said. "And since I'll destroy you all when we play Mah Jongg later, it'll all even out." "Hah! I am the QUEEN of Mah Jongg!" Nanami announced, cracking her knuckles. "I will DESTROY you." "Right. First Tennis, then we'll see who is Queen of Mah Jongg," Setsuna said. "I'll go get the rackets." She quickly sprinted off. Miki said, "Poor Setsuna doesn't know what she's gotten into." Nanami nodded. "Do I know tennis. BWAHAHAHAH!!!" ************ Nanami drooped back into the house after the game was over. "Arimi, you suck." "I suck? I suck? You're the one who served the ball into the net EIGHT times!" Arimi bellowed back. "Good thing you two aren't Tennis Warriors or anything," Meiko said, her eyes twinkling. "Maybe Miki and Setsuna should see if they're recruiting." Miki laughed. "Setsuna could be...Tennis Warrior Pluto, maybe?" "Naah, I wouldn't want to be named after an animated dog," Setsuna replied. "I'd want to be Sailor Sun so I could set things on fire." Nanami said, "Crack out the Mah Jongg. I feel the need to avenge my honor." ************ Meiko buried Nanami's honor at sea. "That makes five victories." "Best of eleven!" Nanami shouted. "I'm afraid I have to go to bed now," Setsuna said. "So I think this war will have to end with a truce." "Thanks for having us over!" Miki said to Setsuna. "No problem," Setsuna replied. "It was fun! I just wish the guys had come instead of going to that stupid film festival." She sighed. And I wish I'd gotten to Ginta before Arimi did, she thought. So maybe it's better he didn't come, but... "Yeah, it was fun," Arimi said, smiling. "Next time, we'll get together at my place, okay?" "Sounds great!" Setsuna said. ************ Miki and Meiko walked down the street towards Meiko's house. As it came into sight, they both saw an upstairs window shatter as a vase flew through it. The vase plummeted to the ground, and they heard a crash. Miki's eyes widened. "What the..." Meiko stopped, and looked, and sighed. "Can I stay at your house tonight, Miki?" "Uhh...sure," she said. "What was that?" They must be drunk already, Meiko thought, sighing. "Nothing I want to think about." ************** Zwei-lite frowned intensely at the Plot Device Beryl had given him. You took newspapers and magazine articles and cut them up into strips or single words or pictures, then fed them into the machine, which used them as a barometer of the winds of Drama and then used the readings in accordance with the Laws of Drama to produce an evil plot for you to conduct. While Zwei-lite agreed with the power of the Laws of Drama, he found the idea of trusting a machine that looked like a cross between a shredder, a computer, and a prune danish to be a stretch of his capacity to trust. The 'Made in Al Amarja' label failed to inspire confidence either. But Beryl's instructions had been quite precise. He'd been putting off using this thing, but once he'd arranged to get her the EVA Dojinshi 'I Mustn't Eat Almonds' she'd been wanting, he had no more excuses to put off giving the Plot Device a try. He fed in several newspapers and magazines, then hit the 'Digest' button. It made various annoying noises, then spat out 'Forces/ squabbling/ sleek/ drunken/ Rumbottle/ parents/ Changelings/ culminate/ Sandmen/ massive/ technical/ twin/ rubber/ Dooms/ Boo Blast/ endangering/ shipments/ Princess'. He frowned at it. I bet she hired Burroughsite to make this, he thought. 'twin rubber Dooms' indeed. And what was a 'Boo Blast' anyway? And how is this supposed to tell me what to do? Probably this means the Princess is shipping a drug called 'Boo Blast' for her Sandmen to distribute, disguised as massive technical twin rubber Dooms. He prayed he was wrong. *********** Sailor Pluto tried beating on the Gate of Time with her staff, but it didn't help. She was locked out of the timeline now. That was the proof that this so-called 'Tennis Warrior Pluto' had pulled off her coup completely. No Pluto could use another Pluto's Gate of Time without permission. This wouldn't make it impossible to get back into that universe, but it would make it a lot harder. I should have known better than to listen to her talking about Madonna-Pluto, Sailor Pluto thought. She's not smart enough to pull off something like this. She quietly vanished, heading off to put some thought into how to undo what had been done. ************ "So you still don't know who the second one is?" Meiko asked Miki. They had both changed into pajamas (Meiko had borrowed some from Miki), and now Meiko was curled up in a sleeping bag on the floor. They'd entered the 'talk in the dark' phase that happens in almost every sleepover. "Nope. Or Tennis Mask." Meiko debated with herself whether to tell Miki she knew who Tennis Mask was. I suppose if he wanted her to know, he'd tell her...but why wouldn't he tell her? Well, if it becomes really important, I'll tell her, she decided. "I wonder why all the male magical warriors don't tell anyone who they are." "I'm guessing they're like Yuu, where they used to not remember turning into a Masked Whatever. It must be the power of their love that forces them to...ahah!" Miki sat up. "I know, the second one must be Ginta!" Meiko blinked. "What makes you think that?" "Well, if it's the power of love that overcomes their lack of memory briefly, then it has to be someone who is in love with one of us, and that means Ginta, since he's dating Arimi-chan." She nodded. "So Tennis Mask must be Miwa-kun." "NO WAY!" Meiko shouted, then looked embarrassed. "And even if you were right, who would Yuu be in love with, then?" "..." Miki frowned. "I didn't think of that." Maybe he really does like Arimi, but he won't say so for some dumb guy reason, she thought. She frowned deeply. "But who else could it be?" "Hmm. Makoto, maybe?" Meiko speculated. "As to why...maybe it's just because they're needed. It's time for them to awaken, and without Luna or anyone to nudge them, they're just kinda slowly stumbling into it?" "Yeah, I guess so. But having it be the power of love is more cool." Meiko laughed gently. "The universe doesn't always do things the cool way." "But it should." Miki sighed. "We need more information. All we can ever do is scramble around, trying to thwart the Dark Kingdom when it's too late and they've already half-won. But we don't have enough clues, especially since Mercury's computer likes to make everything difficult. We tried to ask it what the Moon Princess looked like, and it told us that she 'had a pleasant smile, often wore green, and was loved by several men'. We did get one useful clue, though." "What was that?" "When all of Serenity's Rings are gathered together, the sigil of the moon will appear on her forehead. Which still won't tell us WHERE she is, but at least we'll know her on sight." Miki rolled over on her stomach. "Of course, with my luck, it'll turn out to be Mom or someone else I see every day." Meiko giggled. "Maybe it's Setsuna." Miki rolled over to face Meiko. "Hmm. Now that's possible. Tennis was the royal sport of the Moon Kingdom, and she is pretty good at it." "I wonder if I was alive during the Moon Kingdom," Meiko mused. "I'm sure you were," Miki said. "Luna said the Moon Kingdom had enough people that probably most of Asia is reincarnated people, and maybe some other areas as well." "Wow." *************** "Go home," Tennis Warrior Venus said to Miwa. "You're gonna get yourself hurt! You're not tough like me." "Yeah, you'd better take her advice and stay back," Artemis said. "This could get ugly." Miwa bit back the temptation to point out that Suzu and Artemis were probably the two people in the universe whose advice was most likely to be bad that he knew. I wouldn't be here if you idiots hadn't dragged me out of bed and made me borrow Dad's car without him knowing to drive you over here, he thought. I can't even legally drive yet! "And how do you plan to get home at one AM without me?" "Umm...okay, just stay with the car, okay?" Miwa leaned against the car. "I don't think you're going to find the seventh Doom in there." Venus looked across the street at the electronics store. "But Artemis and I had the same dream! It has to be right." He sighed and looked over at the store, then pointed to the sign in the window. "Hmm. DOOM VII on sale now?" Artemis and Venus sweatdropped in unison. Miwa contemplated beating them to death. *********** Jin (AKA Miki's father) smiled at Meiko. "It's always fun to have one of Miki's friends stay with us." "Especially if she cooks better than Rumi-chan," Youji (AKA Yuu's father) said. Rumi threw her jam covered toast at him and got a bullseye, nailing his nose. "Hmmph." Meiko laughed. "It was the least I could do." "Any chance we could get you to come cook breakfast for us every morning?" Chiyako asked, smiling as she added some creamer to her coffee. "At least when it's Rumi's turn," Youji said, taking off the toast and eating it. Yuu just smiled and shook his head at his father, then said, "Thanks for making me pancakes, Meiko. Whoever marries you won't starve to death. I'm surprised Miki and her father have made it this long." "I've learned to live on light like a plant," Jin said. "I pick up Mama's slack," Miki said. "Like I said. It's a..." He never finished his sentence before he got a fresh pancake...on his right eye. This was the signal for an all-out food fight to erupt. Meiko watched from the kitchen, laughing. At least until she got orange slices in her hair, and then it was time for the chef to join the fray. They were, as might be expected, late to school. *********** "You were late to school because you got in a food fight with your parents?" Setsuna asked in disbelief. "My parents are insane," Miki said. Meiko laughed. "Miki's just mad because Yuu and her mother doubleteamed her." "Betrayed by my own mother!" Miki shook her fist at the heavens. "There is no justice!" I'd be happy if my mother did that to me, Meiko thought. It'd be better than how things usually are. I need to stay over at Miki's house more often. I haven't felt this good in a long time, even after we got stuck standing in the hallway for half an hour with buckets for being two hours late. ************ "I think it's time for you to hook up with the other Tennis Warriors," Miwa said to Suzu and Artemis. "No point in you going it alone. And last night's disaster clinched it for me." "Hey, anyone would have made that mistake," Artemis said. "If they had no brain, yes," Miwa replied. "But we don't know how to find them," Suzu said. "If you hang around Meiko long enough, sooner or later there will be an attack and they'll show up." Artemis gave Miwa a look. "Hmm. And who is it that you hang around all the time, hmmm? Could this be looking for an excuse to do more of it?" Miwa blushed. "This is for your own good. I don't NEED an excuse." "Hmm. Makes sense. And I think it's just fine for Miwa-kun to hang around her. She looks cute, just the sort of woman he deserves." "I just have a bad feeling about this," Artemis said. "This'll work out GREAT!" Suzu said. "Heck, she may even already know who the other Tennis Warriors are!" "With our luck, one of them will be Sana, and you two will mutually annihilate." "Naah, she HAS to be Dark Kingdom. She is utterly EVIL!" "And she's on the cover of TeenPeople Japan this week," Artemis said. "So I guess Evil does pay." Suzu began to froth, and he began to regret mentioning this. ********** The house was silent when Meiko arrived at home, except for the housekeeper, who greeted her at the door. "What would you like for dinner? It's just us tonight." "My parents are out?" Meiko asked. "They are having dinner at 'A Taste of Paris' tonight." "Together?" Meiko asked in surprise. The maid looked uncomfortable. "I don't think so." "But they're both going there?" "Yes. They..." She stared at a handy plant. "Think the other one doesn't know." Meiko laughed very briefly. "Were they mad that I didn't come home last night?" "They didn't say anything about it," she replied. "And I didn't ask. It's not my place." "I'll have to think a little about what I'd like for dinner," Meiko said, "but I'll let you know soon, okay?" "Okay." *************** Ryouko stared at the phone in frustration. She didn't feel like cooking, but going out to eat by yourself was no fun at all. Unfortunately, after she'd spent an hour steeling herself to call Namura-kun and ask him if he wanted to go out to eat with her, he wasn't home. He hadn't come home in the last half-hour, either, and now her stomach was trying to eat its way out of her body in desperation. And then the phone rang. She was on it in a second, almost destroying it in her haste. "Hello?" she asked, praying it was Namura- kun. "Hi, this is Miki. My parents decided they wanted to meet my Tennis Coach, so...uh...would you like to come eat dinner with us?" She sounded rather hesitant, and Ryouko wondered why. Does she not want me to come for some reason? But why? Maybe their house is a mess, she guessed. Or maybe I'm just imagining things, she thought. "Sure, I'd love to." It beat eating alone. *************** Zwei-lite was feeling depressed and frustrated. He had only one vague hint as to what he could do to try to take advantage of the Plot Device, and that was to go to 'A Taste of Paris', a supposedly 'French' restaurant noted for its snooty staff and long waiting list for a table. It served rum, so he hoped that maybe there would be a message in his rum bottle or something, as he had no idea what else to do, besides buying all the rum in Tokyo. Still, being one of Beryl's generals had its advantages, and he hypnotized his way to a good table, a good meal, and some good rum, along with his new assistant, Youma Britannia. He wondered again where Beryl got these Youma; this one was a statuesque woman with a shield, a spear, and a magic helmet, dressed in a woman's toga. She looked to be in her mid-thirties, and had long brown hair and strong brown eyes. He was tempted to ask if she had sisters named Albania and Hibernia. "We should have gotten fish and chips," she said for the fifth time since they arrived, as they waited for their food. "Or perhaps some good roast beef." "I'm just following the only clue we have," he said, slightly acerbically. "I'm telling you, if the Princess is pushing drugs, then she must be in Amsterdam. Where else would you find 'Twin Rubber Dooms'?" Zwei-lite didn't want to understand what she meant. A couple went by their table, and Zwei-lite started. He could feel the spiritual malaise radiating from them without even looking. Youma Britannia had felt it too. The pair looked like ordinary wealthy people, though--a dark haired wealthy man and his slightly younger personal blonde bimbo. "You think he's one of ours in disguise?" Britannia asked. He felt like one of the Dooms, Zwei-lite thought. Except not quite strong enough. Like half a...ahah! This Doom must be two people together, he realized. So one of those two is one of the Dooms and the other Doom must be...a twin sibling? Probably. I'll have to keep an eye on those two. "Youma Britannia, keep an eye on them. I'll watch to..." Wait, I've seen them before, he thought. Well, I've seen the man. Someone showed me a picture. He tried to remember where, but it wouldn't quite come to him. Maybe he was on the news. "I'll be right back," he said. Nature was calling. On his way back after answering Nature's call, he passed by a table that was no longer empty, and got the same jolt. A middle-aged woman was at the table with her younger lover. She was more nicely dressed than he, and like the man from the previous couple, she evoked a vague feeling of recognition from Zwei-lite. In fact, she seemed more familiar. Something about her hair, or maybe it was her eyes. A rich couple who are both out for the evening with their lover, he thought. How pathetic. They must be the twin dooms...but how does 'rubber' come into it? I suppose they both would bounce fairly well, but... He went back to his table to try to figure out the best way to keep an eye on them until they were ready to manifest and the Ring to be collected. "Have the ones you're watching done anything interesting?" "The man chewed out the waiter for being too slow." Zwei-lite thought that was a good idea. ************ "Young mistress, there's a boy, a girl, and a cat here to see you." Meiko looked up from her homework at the housekeeper. "Yuu and Miki and Luna?" "I don't know. I've never seen them before." Her curiosity piqued, Meiko went downstairs, only to see that MIWA of all people had managed to infest her home. There was a young blonde girl, rather cute, about twelve years old, with him, and a white cat...with a yellow crescent moon on its forehead. Normally, she would have hurled Miwa out of the house, but she was curious as to why Miwa had brought Tennis Warrior Venus to her house. Hmm. I wonder if Miki knows about her, she thought. "Ahh, is this your new girl friend, Miwa-kun? Been robbing the cradle?" "No, I'm his cousin, Suzu!" she announced. "We met a few weeks ago, remember? Anyway, Miwa-kun brought me over because you're a good writer, and I need some help with my literature and writing skills and with my English homework. So, we were hoping you could be my tutor. I can pay you enough to make it worth your time, although I can see from your house that you probably don't need it." She scooted across the room to Meiko and took her hands. "You'll help me, won't you? You look very kind." Her irritation with Miwa quickly dispersed, and she smiled at Suzu. "Sure. I'm saving up for something, so I could use the extra money." That way, when I run away with Na-chan, I'll have more money for us to spend, she thought. "Come in and sit down and we can work everything out." ************** Ryouko stared at the coffee maker, which was perhaps the gaudiest home appliance she'd ever seen. It looked like four Glitterators had exploded in its vicinity. Jin noticed her staring. "Pretty ugly, eh? I can't even think why I bought that thing. But it makes GREAT coffee." She laughed. "I could use some great coffee." She started brewing up another pot. "Sit down, sit down. You're the guest," Chiyako said. "Let me cook." "Hold down Rumi so she can't cook," Youji said teasingly. Rumi pouted. Yuu looked up from playing 'Super Gastaman Brothers V' on the Saturn. "Is dinner ready yet?" While he was distracted, Miki quickly grabbed all the energy pellets on the screen with Gastaman Blue, then giggled. "I'll win this time." "Hey, it was supposed to be on pause while I asked!" She stuck out her tongue at him. "All's fair in love and video games." They began to bicker, and Ryouko laughed. She said to Rumi, "You'd think they were really brother and sister, the way they fight." "Well, I always wished I'd been able to have another child. Now I do," Rumi said. "So how is Miki's tennis team doing?" "Really well. We recovered from the disaster at Tomobiki, and Miki, Naoko, Ranko, Megumi, and Setsuna have been dominating everything in sight. Umi's not been doing so well, though; she got hurt in a fencing match and now she's having some problems with her right arm. And poor Michiko is having leg problems. Still, we expect to crush Mugen Gakuen in our next game." "I thought Mugen Gakuen was supposed to have a really good team?" Youji asked. "Miki's been worried about them all week." "They're number three in Tokyo!" Miki asserted, turning aside from arguing with Yuu. "I can't see how you're so sure we'll beat them." "Because we aren't a bunch of stuck up rich snobs. And the best team always wins." "So why are we going to beat them?" Most of the room laughed. Ryouko simply said, "You'll never beat them if you go in expecting to lose." "Miki's just being practical," Yuu said. "There's no point in building yourself up to a level of false optimism when there's no real chance." "There's always a chance!" Ryouko said. "Defeatism never wins." "The wise man picks his fights carefully. Better to stick to people you can handle until you become good enough to face them. Why'd you schedule a match with these people if they're so good?" Ryouko looked a little embarrassed. "Last year, they stunk. But the new tennis coach they have has really turned things around. I didn't know they'd hire him when I made the schedule." "Dinner is served!" Chiyako announced. ************* Meiko finished writing down directions on how to get to Suzu's house. "Okay. Would you like some cookies before you go?" she asked. "Sure!" Suzu said. "I'll go get them from the kitchen," she said, and headed down the hallway to the kitchen. She heard a car pull into the drive. I guess Mother or Father is home, she thought. Hopefully they won't come to the living room. She quickly got the cookies and headed back. ************* General Zwei-lite looked across the street at the house the male Doom had gone into. It had taken a little effort to get them to notice each other at the restaurant, but when they'd started fighting, he'd been able to sense that they were indeed the next Doom. Britannia was tracking the woman, who had left with her lover. The man had some sort of argument with his lover and had dropped her off elsewhere, so this was probably his home. The house looked familiar, and he racked his brain. Then it struck him. This was Meiko's house, which meant...no wonder they'd looked familiar. He frowned. This was going to get ugly. *********** Meiko watched her father storm through the living room without actually saying anything. In his wake, Suzu said, "Your father?" "Yes." "Not his day, I see," Miwa said. "He's very handsome," Suzu said. "I suppose your mother must be very beautiful like you." Meiko sighed and ate a cookie, then replied, "Yes, she is." "It must be nice living in such a lovely house with such lovely parents." For a moment, Meiko wanted to shove Suzu into a sausage grinder. Then common sense returned, and she said, "It is a lovely house." She rose. "I need to finish my homework. I'm sorry to throw you out, but I have an essay to write." "Okay, lemme just go use the bathroom, and I'll be ready to go." She darted off. "I'm sorry if she's irritating you," Miwa said. "She's a model, and I'm afraid she judges things by their cuteness level too much." "I know she means well," Meiko said. "So how did she get to be Tennis Warrior V and are you setting me up to tutor her so she can bodyguard me?" Miwa blinked then grinned. "I love intelligent women." Meiko narrowed her eyes slightly. "Don't be evasive." "It was her idea. And she really does need a tutor. And as to being Tennis Warrior V, she was reincarnated. And Artemis here talks, but he never says anything worth listening to." From the couch, Artemis said, "Hey!" "You two must get along well, then," Meiko said. "I don't need a bodyguard." "You practically have the words 'Drain my energy' stenciled on your forehead," Miwa said. "It's not like she's going to be following you around, or even around most of the time. But you'll be safer a few hours a week." "You'd better not use this as an excuse to hit on me," Meiko replied. "Naah, this'll be when Artemis gets to do it," Miwa said. Artemis simply grumbled and stared at some fish in a nearby fishbowl. ************** >Give location of next Doom ['Blue/ squabbling/ earthquakes/ drunken/ paradox/ parents/ doesn't/ culminate/ rain/ massive/ urges/ twin/ expression/ Dooms/ spheres/ endangering/ ninja/ Princess'] >Would you like to be more obscure? [I DON'T THINK I CAN TOP THAT] >But what does it mean? [I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT THE 'BURROUGHS INSIDE' STICKER THAT WAS ON THE BOX I SHIPPED IN MEANT] >Can you give us any clues at all? [THOSE WERE CLUES] >Clues that make sense? [I THINK THERE ARE TWO DOOMS WHO ARE KARMICALLY LINKED. OR MAYBE ONE DOOM WITH TWO BODIES. THIS COULD BE THAT ONE] >Which ring does that doom have? [THE EARTH/MOON RING. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT] >Why is it important? [IF THE MOON PRINCESS WEARS IT, IT WILL INSTANTLY REVEAL HER] >Woo woo! That would be very important. What is this double doom called? [LAUREL AND HARDY] >Please tell me that was a joke. [ACTUALLY, THEY ARE JUST CALLED YIN AND YANG] >Where do we find them? [BEATS ME] Nanami put down the computer and turned to Makoto. "What do you think?" "I think I'll have to think about this. I hope it doesn't mean they cause earthquakes." "Ugh. Yeah." ********* Namura-sensei paced back and forth in his living room; he would have chewed his nails if they weren't clipped short. Meiko's in danger, and I don't know what to do about it, he thought. I'm not ready yet to get her out of there. Not yet. I can't just carry her parents off either. She was supposed to stay safe, dammit, he thought. But the pin wouldn't save her if the Dooms took a disliking to her for some reason. It would only help keep her from being energy drained, but the Dooms weren't after energy. Sure, he would know she was in danger...but he wouldn't necessarily be able to act in time. There were other considerations as well, but he wasn't willing to risk her unless he had to, and only very reluctantly even then. At least Ryouko isn't in danger too, he thought, or Kijima-kun. I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but no one would understand, he thought. Dammit. ************ [Eyecatch: We see the Tennis Warriors, Tennis Mask, both Masked Golfers, Luna, Ginta, Setsuna, Miwa, Namura-sensei, and Meiko doing the Can-Can in a line across the screen from left to right. They then drop part way down the screen and do it right to left. A second line, just like the first one drops into sight. Lasers begin to erupt up from the bottom of the screen, turning people into dust, but yet more lines of our protagonists drop down into sight above the ones being wiped out. They begin to dance faster and faster, and the view pulls back, showing endless serried dancing ranks, being mowed down by Beryl, who runs back and forth along the bottom of the screen, blasting them with her staff. Finally, they get so fast she can't kill them quickly enough to stop one of the Moons from dropping down and tap-dancing on her head. She falls over and the words 'Game Over' flash on the screen. The view pulls back, and we see Artemis playing the game on an Atari 2600. Freeze Frame.] ************ Commercial: [We see Sally Struthers standing in front of a burning medieval village where marauding orcs are laying waste to everything] Sally Struthers: Don't you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. [We see the orcs looting all the houses] Sally Struthers: At the Sally Struthers School of Marauding, we can teach you how to be a rampaging land pirate, who burns, kills, pillages, and takes whatever he wants, wherever he wants. [We see the orcs stuffing all the pigs into bags labeled 'brides'] Sally Struthers: Once you're a bandit, you'll be able to set your own hours, choose your own targets, and enjoy the death of your enemies and the lamentation of their women. [We see the orcs busily laminating every woman in the village] Sally Struthers: Even if you can't spell. Call now. 1- 800-JOIN-ORC. Do it now before the king's knights find us and force us to change locations again. [One of the orcs picks up Sally Struthers and throws her over one shoulder] Orc: The few. The disgusting, unclean and ugly. For only fifty gold, you can learn to be part of this elite force of unkempt, mindless evil. Do it today. ************ [Eyecatch: We see Miwa, Meiko, and Namura-Sensei roaring around the rink in a roller derby. Namura-Sensei grabs the little blue robot recorder, which is bouncing up and down from its chain clipped to Meiko's waist and throws it at Miwa's feet. He trips over it and goes flying into the wall and collapses. Then Meiko elbow-smashes him while he's busy gloating, sending him flying, and roars through the finish line. She gives a roar of triumph and the words 'Meiko Wins. Skateality' appears on the screen] ************ It was Tennis Warrior (Plus One Masked Golfer and Makoto) Meeting time. They had all gathered at a secluded corner in a small park near Miki's house, sitting in a circle near a knot of trees. Nanami said, "So that's our clue." "Ninja princess?" Arimi said, sounding confused. "She's a ninja?" Luna shook her head. "I'm pretty sure she's not a ninja." "Do any of you know anyone who has drunken, paradoxical parents?" Nanami asked. Yuu frowned. "How can parents be paradoxical?" Ryouko began scribbling silently on a notepad, then scratching out pieces of what she was writing. "Magic? Is there a famous paradox involving parents? I know Zeno's paradox involves turtles, and..." Miki racked her brain, trying to think of any other paradoxes. "This sentence is false. No, that doesn't work. Ummm..." "Ahah! I've got it!" Ryouko said. "Scratch out all the odd numbered words and you get 'squabbling drunken parents culminate massive twin dooms endangering Princess'. Which I guess would mean that the Princess' parents will turn into the twin dooms and put her in danger. Or at least, some kind of princess' parents. It doesn't say 'moon princess' specifically, so it could be she's some other kind of princess." "Hey, your parents fight sometimes, right?" Makoto asked Nanami. "Everyone's parents fight sometimes!" she bellowed back a bit more sharply than she'd intended. "Doesn't make them drunken. And I doubt I'm the Moon Princess." "Anyone else know someone whose parents get drunk and fight?" Ryouko asked. "Rokutanda's parents." Yuu said. "But if he's the Moon Princess, I'm moving to Siberia and hiding in a cave." Arimi laughed so hard she fell over and nearly inhaled some grass. "That's one of the most horrible thoughts I've ever had." Luna snorted. "I'd join you, Yuu." "Can't you remember SOMETHING about her, Luna?" Miki asked. "You're the only one of us who can remember anything about her." "She was very kind and gentle and used to leave me nice treats every Marsday. She was very good at ice skating. She loved to swim and tend her garden. She had long hair and she loved to draw and write poems. Half the men in the palace had a crush on her. She had a sort of odd love/hate relationship with Prince Endymion, who was her fiancee. Her parents had arranged it, but she'd had her eye on someone else. As a result, they fought all the time, but what happened on the last day showed she really did care for him, she just wasn't good at showing it." Luna paused to lick her paws for no discernible reason. "What did happen?" Arimi asked. "Well, Beryl was out to capture him because she wanted him for herself. During the battle, she sucked him into the sky and tried to conduct a wedding right there. But the Princess used her power over wind to fly into the sky to save him. Unfortunately, they started having a fight over whose fault it was that he got captured, and then Beryl got hold of both of them, and things went to pot after that." Luna sighed. "She was usually patient, but when she got mad, she would just explode. And he set her off without even trying, even though he never got mad at her." "Maybe it's Setsuna," Miki speculated. "She's patient." "Her parents didn't fight drunkenly, though," Arimi said. "Neither do mine," Miki said. "Although they do act stupid sometimes and embarrass me." "Was the Princess bad at Mah Jong?" Arimi asked, smirking a bit. "Wasn't invented yet. She was good at most card games, though." "Definitely not Nanami, then." "Oh, be quiet." Nanami crossed her arms and leaned against a tree, frowning. "Wait." A memory struck Miki. "I know Meiko's parents had a fight recently where they threw a really expensive vase out the window. I don't know much about them, but..." "And she keeps being attacked by monsters. If nothing else, she'll probably stumble into the Dooms," Ryouko said. Miki slapped her forehead. "The Luna Mask! I could use it to check out her parents and see if they show up as monsters. It'll work on the Dooms, won't it?" Luna scratched her own forehead. "It might work." Miki stood up. "Time to test it. I can drop in and visit Meiko and get en eyeful of her folks while you all wait outside, ready to rush in if the explosions start." "Sounds good to me," Arimi said. Most of the others nodded. Yuu frowned. "What if they spot you using the mask and tell Zwei-lite?" "I'll have to take the risk." *********** The screaming had started. Meiko gritted her teeth and tried to ignore it. I'm not going to cry, she told herself. She simply pulled her bedroom door shut. Artemis rolled over in his sleep but didn't wake up. Suzu, who had come over for her first lesson, said, "Are your parents having a fight?" "No, they're staging a reenactment of the murder of Thomas a' Becket," Meiko replied with a tiny drop of venom in her voice. "Anyway, you need to rewrite this paragraph because it's just one big run-on sentence for no good reason. And here..." Her corrections were interrupted by the sound of an explosion. "So that's Thomas a' Becket blowing up?" Suzu asked. Meiko's eyes widened. "No, but something is wrong." They ran out of the room and down the stairs, only to find that the living room was on fire. In the middle of the fire, a pitch black man in boxing trunks and gloves was duking it out with a stark white woman clad in a gi and limned with white flame. The flames were igniting everything around her, although they died out wherever he stepped. "You stupid, ignorant bitch!" he shouted. "You would be NOTHING if it wasn't for me!" "I could have finished college if you hadn't gotten me pregnant, Yin, you slut! You'd stick it in a light socket if you thought it would be fun!" She nailed him in his flabby stomach, sending him flying backwards. "Then maybe I'd have something to do besides sit around the house with the brat!" "Don't pretend you're not cheating on me, Yang!" he bellowed, hurling the couch at her. It burnt to ash. Suzu turned to Meiko. "This isn't normal around here, right?" Meiko watched, paling by the second. "Not...like this. I think it's time for you to transform, Suzu." Her eyes widened. "Geez, does everyone know?" "Maybe you should stop dragging the same cat around with you who shows up whenever Tennis Warrior Venus does." "Ahah! So it's Artemis' fault!" Meiko began to retreat up the stairs. "I'll go call the rest of the Tennis Warriors." Suzu turned and said, "What, you know who all of us are?" "It's a good thing for you that the Dark Kingdom doesn't know I know. Now, get to work." Suzu gulped. "I don't know if I can handle both of them at once." "Join the club," Meiko whispered. *********** "Sir, either you were right, or the Akizukis have decided to level their own house from the inside," Youma Britannia said into her Dark Kingdom Crystal Phone (available from Bandai for only $24.99. Buy one now!). "Blast it, I can't make it there; I'm stuck here for at least another half an hour. You're going to have to save her and get the Ring yourself. Use the Finding Crystal I gave you," his voice was scratchy and distorted, but she could tell he was mad. "Yes, sir, but what about the Tennis Warriors? I can't fight them all." "They aren't there yet, are they?" "I haven't seen any of them." "Hmm. That could mean this is something else. Well, save Meiko first. We will need her later. Then get the Ring. Assuming this isn't just some effort by the Tennis Warriors to lure us into a trap. My Dramatic Calculations tell me there's a 40% chance of them trying that at this point." She nodded. "Yes, sir. I'm on my way." ************* "I'm afraid Miki's gone to tennis practice or something," Rumi said. Over the phone, Meiko said, "Is Yuu there?" "He went with her." "Tell her to call me the SECOND she gets in," Meiko said urgently. "Okay!" Rumi said cheerfully. "Will do." She hung up the phone and went back to the couch. Jin said to her, "What was that about?" "Just one of Miki's friends. Must have wanted help with a video game or something; I could hear explosions." He frowned. "I don't suppose we should call the police?" "I'm sure it was just a video game. Why would she call Miki instead of the police if her house was exploding?" "Good point." ************ Youma Britannia carefully made her way across the room, crawling low so Yin, Yang, and Tennis Warrior Venus couldn't spot her. Her crystal pinged, and she dug a white gold band out of the rubble that had once been a couch. Ahah, she thought. She pocketed it, then tried to creep over to the stairs so she could go look upstairs for Meiko, since Meiko didn't seem to be downstairs. Then Yin spotted her. "Ahah! Another enemy! Even more pathetic than you, Yang!" "I am not PATHETIC like you!" Yang shouted, then threw a bolt of fire at Youma Britannia, who barely rolled out of the way. "I can take her out with one shot!" "Looks like she's still here!" Tennis Warrior Venus said, "Watch out for her fire!" She then blinked and stared at Britannia. "Are you Meiko's sister or something?" Britannia started to speak, then Yin hit her in the head with a lamp, knocking her down. "Hah! I took her out with one shot!" She reversed her spear and slammed the butt-end into his groin-end. He fell back, howling, and she stood up. "I have better things to do than..." She got kicked halfway across the room by Yang. "No one but me kills my husband!" Yang shouted. Youma Britannia stood up. "Right. I'll just maim you both, then." Forgetting her mission, she charged forward, spear in hand. ************* Arimi looked over at Miki. "Looks like the party started without us." Miki watched a window at the Akizuki mansion explode outwards, and Tennis Warrior Venus fly out the window and slam unconscious into the ground. "Hey, it's Tennis Warrior Venus!" "Maybe we'll finally learn who she is," Ryouko said. Yuu simply twitched and wished he'd learned to control his transformation already. "Yuu, you find Meiko and get her out," Miki said. "Nanami, scan and find the Dooms, let us know their weaknesses. Ryouko-sensei, you get to open the front door if it's locked. Arimi, you're with me; we're going the door once it's open. Makoto, you stay out here and keep an eye out for any new trouble, okay?" Everyone nodded, and the massive stock footage sequence began. ********** Meiko sat in her room and desperately wished she could do something about everything besides wait to be saved. Artemis was trying to guard the door, for whatever that was worth. I wish I had some powers, she thought. Or...I should call Na-chan! What is with me? She got up to go to the phone when a woman wearing a outfit evocative of the Roman empire and carrying a long spear ran in and slammed the door. She dragged a chair over and jammed it into place. "Tennis Warrior V went down. We've got to get you out of here. Oh great, the only way out is the window." Meiko blinked. "Umm...who are you?" "Britannia." "Are you lost?" "That about sums it up." A pitch black fist rammed through the door, followed by a blindingly white foot. The door ripped apart, and Yin and Yang stood in the doorway. Yang glared at them. "Ahah! Protecting the little bitch who wrecked our lives, I see," she said. "We were in love until you came along, and then you destroyed everything! I got fat and he never loved me again!" "You wrecked our marriage! I have to waste all my money on trash for you, and you don't even appreciate it! All you do is whine about your life, but I don't see you whining when it's time to get your money! You're a whore, just like your mother!" Yin screamed. He screamed even more after Yang stomped on his foot. "I am not a whore!" "True. You do it for free." They began to slap each other around, and Britannia turned to Meiko. "We've got to...Meiko?" Meiko had crumpled up in a ball and began to cry. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I never...I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "Don't listen to them," Britannia said. "They're both pathetic. He's a flabby patron of cheap whores and she's a drunken sot who couldn't finish college in Japan, when a dead gerbil could get a degree once they got into the school." "They...but I..." Meiko began to recover, just a little. "Liar!" Yang shouted. "I couldn't finish because I was pregnant with the sniveling brat you're protecting!" She charged into the room in a frenzy, but then Artemis leaped up and latched his teeth into her left arm. She fell over, thrashing about and trying to get him loose. "Clumsy twit," Yin said. "Now, I'm going to kill you and your little friend with the funny hat." In the hallway, Yuu yelled, "I found her! There's two weird critters trying to kill her! And in case the laws of drama are listening, I think this would be a good time for a transformation if you don't mind!" "Stop playing with the kitty, you worthless slut and deal with the Tennis Warriors while I kill our daughter," Yin said. Yang flung Artemis onto the bed. "I want to kill her! I'm the one who had to go through labor!" "I'm the one who had to have sex with YOU to conceive her. Trust me, that was much worse." Youma Britannia whispered to Meiko, "Head for the window." They began to very slowly drift towards it. "Breaking into Meiko's house and beating up Tennis Warrior Venus and leveling everything in sight isn't very nice!" Tennis Warrior Moon began a little tap-dance to the tune of 'Soul Man' while she continued her speech. "You've probably done something horrible to her parents AND the housekeeper too, so you're going to pay! In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" Yang got into the doorway and grinned. "Come and get me!" "Jupiter FLYING KICK!" Tennis Warrior Jupiter shouted, leaping at Yang. Yang stepped to one side and let Tennis Warrior Jupiter fly right past her, across the room, and through the wall, leaving a Jupiter-sized hole. "Next." "BURNING PASSION SERVE!" Tennis Warrior Mars unleashed a flaming tennis ball at Yang, who ducked. It went through the door, through the hole, and out of sight. They heard Jupiter scream distantly. Yin then lashed out with a barrage of punches and Tennis Warrior Mars said, "Ouch," and passed out. "Next." "GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF RAIN!" The hallway filled with a thick mist. "How is that supposed to stop me?" Yang asked. "Umm...good question." Yang stepped forward, grabbed her, rolled backwards, and tossed her through the Jupiter hole. "Next!" As Tennis Warrior Moon was about to step forward, Yuu tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey, no cutting!" she said. "Umm, why is everyone attacking her one at a time?" "Because...uh..." Yang began to laugh. "I possess the Ultimate Technique of Hong Kong Kung Fu! It forces my enemies to attack me one at a time, just like the movies!" "I suggest strategic retreat," Yuu said. Yang charged forward. "I suggest you pass out." "Moon, run! I'll hold her...ooooof." Yang trampled over Yuu, who transformed just as he passed out. Moon ran. Meanwhile, Yin was facing off with Britannia, slowly driving her back towards the window. Only the fact that she was armed was keeping him from swatting her like a bug. Britannia said, "You're going to have to jump, Meiko." "But...I can't jump that far!" "I can't beat him, and I can't hold him off forever. If you don't jump, he'll get you." Meiko hesitated by the window, then opened it, then turned back and stared at Yin. She could see he had been her father, but she didn't want to believe this was all he was. Was he just a monster all along, she wondered. The human just a thin veneer over it? But if both of my parents are monsters, what does that make me? She shuddered at the thought. Will I turn out to be the next Doom? She stared at him. Is that my fate? It can't be, she thought. Please, no, not like that. And yet, the things he said... With effort, she fought off the urge to faint, to abandon everything and let the world work out its problems without her being dragged into them. I can't run away, she thought. I have to do something. She picked up her clock from the end table by her bed and hurled it at Yin. All it did was get his attention when it bounced off his head. "Take that!" She shouted. "You ungrateful little...DIE!" he shouted, lunging straight at her, ignoring the spear blow to his ribs as he knocked her out the window. She screamed and fell. The fall was swift, and to her surprise, someone caught her. It was Miwa. "I guess I won't be taking Suzu home any time soon," he said. "What are you doing here, you idiot? You'll get yourself killed!" she shouted. "You're welcome," he said, grinning, and put her down. She promptly fell over, clutching her stomach, and his face darkened. "Meiko!" "I'm fine. Get out of here before you die." Tennis Warrior Venus came running up just in time to catch Britannia as she went out the window. "Jeez, what's this guy got about knocking people through windows?" A few seconds later, he leaped out the window, holding Britannia's spear, and she got her chance to ask him. ************ The parlor was a burnt out shell now. Moon, Jupiter, and Mercury faced off with Yang there. "Has she got any kind of weakness?" Moon asked. "Hmm. 'Pretty Boys Half Her Age', 'Rum', and 'Jerry Springer'." "There's probably rum in the kitchen. Go get it," Moon said. "Hah! I'm not dumb enough to get drunk DURING a battle," Yang said. "So, who wants a beating first?" Jupiter cracked her knuckles. "Batter up." "No, no, we can't let her make us fight her one at a time again!" Moon said. "We need a plan!" "Like what?" Mercury asked. Moon looked around. "Like running past her up the stairs to get Mars and the Masked Golfer. Mercury, cover us." "GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF RAIN!" Mist settled over everything, and Yang began to howl about how the water stains would never come out of her expensive drapes. ************** Miwa was down. Britannia's head was stuffed up inside her hat, and she wasn't moving. Tennis Warrior Venus was desperately dodging attacks from Yin. He was much stronger; she was much quicker. Finally, he managed to grab her. "Well, end of the line! Oh, by the way...YOU'RE UGLY!" Venus winced. "I am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Not as ugly as your corroded heart!" A male voice proclaimed from a tree limb. "You've allowed your marriage to crumble into a pile of rot, and you blame everyone else but yourself. Well, I've come to settle this the manly way. I'm going to pound you flat." It was Tennis Mask, who was wearing a Dr. Laura mask today. He had a tennis ball cannon slung over one shoulder, and he now opened fire. Yang dropped Tennis Warrior Venus, fell backwards under the barrage, and collapsed. Tennis Mask dropped down from the tree and ran over to Meiko. "Are you okay?" Venus said, "Take off the mask so I can tell if you're cute!" He laughed. "No can do." "I'm fine," she said, then hunched over. "Sort of." "I'd best get you to a doctor." "You've got to stop..." She winced. "Mother." "I'll just..." He suddenly went silent, mainly because Yang had just hit him in the head with Britannia. Quietly, he slumped over. "FASTBALL SPECIAL!" He got barraged by balls from Tennis Warrior Venus and fell down, then slowly began to get back up. "That hurt, brat." "That was the idea. FAST...ack, I don't have any balls!" "Not too many women have balls," he said, then began chasing her around the yard again. ************ "Ahah! I've got it!" Mercury said. They'd managed to hook up with Mars and the Masked Golfer, Yuu edition. "Computer says there's two ways to beat them. One is to get them to beat each other unconscious. The second way is for Mars and Venus to use the two rings of Serenity we have to 'Super Size' themselves. That will make them strong enough to beat these two Dooms. And it only costs 39 yen each." Mars reached into her bosom and pulled out the ring, which she had strung on a cord. Snapping the cord, she put it on. "How do I do it?" Mercury spent a few seconds typing. "You yell, 'SUPER SIZE ME!'" "I shouldn't have asked. SUPER SIZE ME!" Mars shouted. A pillar of flame roared down, destroying more of the house, and when it cleared, Mars was six inches taller, and her uniform had turned a bright red with yellow trim. Her hair had turned bright red as well, with yellow tips. Super Sized Mars wobbled slightly from the sudden perspective change. "Hey, everyone shrunk!" "No, you've been supersized," Mercury said all- knowingly. "Now we've got to find Venus. Super Sized Mars, you can go kick Yang's butt while we do that." Super Sized Mars raised an eyebrow. "All by myself?" "The computer says you can." "Oh, like we all love and trust your computer." "Hey, it hasn't gotten any of us maimed beyond recognition yet!" ********** While Tennis Warrior Venus was distracting Yin, Meiko managed to shake Tennis Mask awake. He groggily said, "Zat you, mom? Just five more minutes." "We don't have five more minutes, Na-chan! You've got to get up!" She could see his eyes widen. "How did you know?" She poked the white gold pin of two racquets he had pinned on his shirt. "I gave you this." He slapped his forehead. "Urgh." Dragging him to his feat, she said, "Pound my father flat for me while I go try and help Britannia." "With pleasure." ************ "End of the line, crack whore!" Super Sized Mars shouted across the kitchen at Yang, who had dropped in for a quick tankard of rum. "I am NOT a crack whore!" She hurled the tankard at Super Sized Mars, who vaporized it with a single flaming tennis ball. "Drunken whore just doesn't have the same flare to it," Super Sized Mars replied. "Here, have some flaming Dr. Pepper, hold the Dr. Pepper. FLAMING BARRAGE!!!!" She unleashed a torrent of flaming tennis balls at Yang, who staggered backwards under the onslaught, crashing into the pantry. Super Sized Mars ran after her, only to get an entire bag of flour flung at her face. She instinctively tried to parry it, only to have it break, exploding into a great cloud which engulfed her. Humans not being designed to breathe flour, she soon found herself hacking, coughing, and choking. Then Yang grabbed her and threw her through the serving door into the dining room, where she slid the length of the table, sending three sets of flowers and all the place settings flying. Yang leaped up onto the table and charged towards her, only to stumble and fall off the table when a golf ball suddenly rolled under her right foot right as it came down. Super Sized Mars, who was still trying to get to her feet, turned and looked and saw Masked Golfer II in the doorway. "Don't give up hope, Super Sized Mars! With the power of love, you can overcome anything!" "What's love got to do with it?" Music started up. o/~ Love ain't nothing, but a second-hand emotion o/~ Yin began to sing. Super Sized Mars stared at the Masked Golfer II in confusion, then they began to sing as well. o/~ Who needs a heart if a heart can be broken o/~ The glories of three-part harmonies soon filled the room. ************ Tennis Mask and Tennis Warrior V were still going at it with Yin when the rest of the heroine brigade arrived, signaled by Yin getting a golf ball to the head. "Come and get me, your ugliness," the Masked Golfer said. While Yin chased the Masked Golfer, Moon ran over to Venus and gave her the ring of Venus. "Put this on, and shout 'Super Size Me!'" Moon said. Venus put it on. "Super Size Me? Like a..." A heart big enough to hold the entire world fell on her from the heavens, and a wave of light and perfume exploded outward from her. When everyone finished blinking, Venus now looked about six years older, several inches taller, and much more yellow (well, her uniform was now totally yellow with a blue fringe). "Whew, I was afraid I'd become a hamburger." "Now, kick his butt," Moon said. Masked Golfer I now was headed right for the Tennis Warriors and company. Super Sized Venus twisted the end of her racquet and a short metal rod, about five inches long and an inch and a half in diameter dropped out. She gripped the rod in her right hand, placing her thumb on the button at the top end. "VENUS LOVE-ME NEURONIC WHIP!" She punched the button and a three foot long chain of hearts erupted from the end of the whip. She reared back with it, and accidentally nailed Tennis Mask, Moon, and Mercury, who all howled, and collapsed. Blissfully oblivious, she lashed out at Yin. Not having any practice, she nailed Masked Golfer I AND Yin, who both screamed, "ELVIS!" and collapsed, despite not knowing what, if anything, Elvis had to do with this. "Cool," she said, then hit the button again and the whip retracted. "Another triumph for Tennis Warrior Venus, the Cutest Tennis Warrior in the UNIVERSE! Suck on that, Sana!" Miwa sat up and muttered about people not knowing how to keep their secret identity very well. ************ They went searching for Mars and Yang, and found both of them, along with the second Masked Golfer, busily singing o/~ It's a hard knock life o/~ and downing sake in the kitchen. The Masked Golfer II stopped singing and came over to the others. "Don't bother them. They're bonding." "..." Near-universal disbelief sank in. Britannia, who was leaning on her spear, said, "Now what?" Yang looked up and saw Meiko and began to cry instead of singing, babbling incoherently about how she was sorry and didn't know what she was doing. Meiko glared at her and spread her arms to encompass all the visible damage. "Saying you're sorry won't undo the fact that you WRECKED OUR HOUSE AND TRIED TO KILL ME!" "I know," she mumbled. "Yoush shoulda jusht shtayed in your room and let ush kill eash other. Then you be free. All the money and everything." Meiko continued to stare daggers at her, but then her anger began to melt. Her mother, monster or not, looked more pathetic than Meiko had ever seen her before. She couldn't stay angry at her, not when she was like this. Slowly, her tensed muscles relaxed, and she sagged herself. "I won't put up with any more of this," she said. "I don't care what people say, either this stops, or I'll leave, even if I have to live in a gutter, because I have had enough." Her voice was stronger than it had ever been, talking to her mother. "Can't get divorced," her mother mumbled. "Families would cut ush all off. Not until parents die and we inherit." "Then I'll have to leave." Yang's eyes widened in horror. "No, you can't leave...shure the only good thing left. My baby. The only thing I didn't fail at." "You said you wanted to kill me because I wrecked your life!" Meiko had to restrain herself, aided by knowing she couldn't actually really hurt Yang anyway. Moon put a hand on Meiko's shoulder, and she started to relax again. "She's not worth it, Meiko." "She's wright. I'm not worsh it," Yang said, then took another chug of sake. "I didn't mean it. I mean, I did, but I wasn't thinking, I was just hang...angle...angry, and I needed shometing to blaym. I sorry. Can't shrink straight when I'm shober." Meiko felt a mixture of sorrow, pity, digust, and exhaustion. What she wanted to do was to leave right now and go live with Na-chan and NEVER EVER come back. But she didn't want to leave like this, either. Especially not leaving them as monsters. They'd probably try to kill each other again once her father woke up. "Mother, what are you and Father going to do when he wakes up?" "I'm gonna drink 'til I pass out. So I'll give him some shake too. You want shome?" She offered the flask hopefully to Meiko, who waved it away. Makoto ran in. "The cops and the fire trucks are coming." They could hear the sirens now. "We've got to turn your parents back to normal!" Moon said. "But...all the other ones turned back when we knocked them out." Artemis said, "Because Yang is still awake, and they're linked. Yang, you have to let go, if you want to turn back to normal." Yang dropped the flask, which spilled sake on her. "Like that?" He rolled his eyes. "No, you have to want to go back to normal. Or let us knock you out." "Don' wanna go back to normal. Wanna go back to junior high and shtart over." Super Sized Venus said, "You need to do it for your daughter. If the cops find you two and haul you off, she'll have to be all alone. And you're really pretty when you're normal." "You shink I'm petty?" "Very pretty. Pretty people shouldn't have to be monsters," Super Sized Venus said gently. "It's bad for the complexion." "Would you marry me?" she asked. Super Sized Venus facefaulted. "Jusht joking," she said. She closed her eyes and gave a great sigh, and color flooded back over her, turning her back to normal and her gi into a battered dress. She slumped over, her body relaxing as she passed out. Her husband reverted as well, now wearing a torn and burnt suit. "Time for us all to turn back to normal," Moon said. "So we don't have to answer any funny questions." Mass de-transformations followed, then many of the people present said, "NA-CHAN?", except for Arimi, who said, "Hey, the second Masked Golfer ran off again!" Namura-sensei shuffled about nervously. "Umm...yes." His eyes widened. "Ryouko?" They both scratched their heads nervously, then smiled. "Now I know what you were talking about," Ryouko said. "Funny world, isn't it. Now, if the second Masked Golfer turns out to be Kijima-kun, we'll all be together again, eh?" He laughed. "Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised. I never would have guessed, although I should have." Meiko had to fight herself to resist the urge to throw herself into Na-chan's arms, but she couldn't. Not yet. "Miki, can I stay at your house again tonight?" "Of course you can," Miki said. And then the cops arrived. *********** Miki, Yuu, and Meiko dragged home late, carrying luggage for Meiko. Jin answered the door, looking mad. "It's 1 AM! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Meiko bowed deeply. "I'm sorry, Mr. Koishikawa. My house burned down, and they've been helping me pick through the rubble and get everything I could save. Also, I had to explain everything to the police and fire department." "..." "Please, may I stay with you for a few days?" "Uhh...sure. Where are your parents? Are they hurt?" His tone had changed completely, and now he was worried. "Yes. They've both gone to the hospital," Meiko said. "But they should recover." "I'll set up the guest room." He turned and shouted down the hallway. "They're home! Meiko's house burned down and they were helping her." A flurry of activity began. ************ Yuu and Miki finally got Meiko into bed in the guest room. After she closed the door, she turned to Yuu. "And I thought my parents could be bad." He nodded. "I'd never thought I was lucky to have the ones I do, but..." He put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad to be living with good people like your parents, too." She smiled at him. "And I like yours too. I think they'll be good for Meiko." He nodded, then frowned. "Or it might make her more depressed, knowing they're not hers." "She'll probably almost forget they're adults, the way they carry on sometimes," Miki said. "But they're great at making people feel at home. They'll probably tell her to call them mama and papa." "She doesn't call her own parents that," Yuu said quietly. "I think it'll take a while for her to get to that point, but I think you're right. They probably will make her feel better. Lunacy and all. I guess I'd better get to bed," he said and turned to go. "Thanks for helping me move Meiko's stuff," Miki said. "You didn't have to, after all." "You'd have broken in half under the weight," he said. "I kept wondering if she packed some bricks to keep as keepsakes. And it would have been pretty rude to walk along while you two were loaded down." "Never stopped you before." "I'm only rude when it's funny, not when it hurts someone," he said, then turned again. "Goodnight, Miki." "Goodnight, Yuu." *********** General Zwei-lite pocketed the Earth/Moon ring. This should prove quite useful, he thought. And for once, my youma got out alive! This has gone far better than I expected. Well, except for everything being laid waste and Meiko being put in far too much danger. He frowned. Now she was homeless. The Koishikawa girl would take care of her until it was time for him to move in and take her away, though. Better than her own parents would. He smiled. Now I have all their secret identities, except for that second Masked Golfer. And I have four of the six rings. And a way to keep tabs on what they're doing. I'll have to tread carefully, but yes, this is shaping up very nicely. The Laws of Drama won't be able to stop me, he thought. Victory will be mine.