Under a Barrel

By John Biles

Series:  Mai Hime (distant aftermath)

*****************


	Coming home from school is always messy, especially 
at the end of the school year.  It's not that I have bad 
parents, even if they are completely insane, but it's all the 
strange family rituals I have to survive.  This is why I never 
bring friends home with me if I can help it, as I'd like to 
keep as normal a reputation as I can.

	Which is close to impossible if anyone ever meets my 
family.  Which tends to get in the way, sometimes, of 
making friends, though less so since I started going to a 
boarding school.

	All is peaceful and quiet as I approach the house; 
much to my surprise, Dad's car is here but not Mom's.  
That's very unusual at this time of day.  No motorcycle 
either.  Which COULD mean that she's lurking in ambush 
or it could mean she's really not here.  Which I frankly 
don't trust to be the case, as it's very rare that they know to 
expect me and there's no ambush.

	I planned for this; I plan for everything, whether it 
works or not.  That's why, when I got off the bus, I slung 
my foil at my hip instead of keeping it in its case.  

	Oh god, DAD IS HOME.  If he breaks another of my 
foils, I'm going to be pissed and HE is paying for it.  A 
double ambush...

	I scan the street.  Any unusual cars?  Who does that 
Celica three doors down belong to?  The Takayamas would 
never buy a Honda again.  Or so I thought...

	Motorcycles...no cycles.  Not really much in the way 
of cars out of place, only I can hardly remember what 
everyone had, so maybe I forgot one.

	Dammit, they weren't supposed to get clever on me.  
Now I don't know what the hell to expect.

	WHY IS DAD NOT AT WORK????

	But wait...just because his car is here...maybe he 
carpools now, or he took the motorcycle or Mom drove 
him...she's not here.

	Too much paranoia.  I'm going in.  I scooped the key 
into my left hand, sword already drawn in my right, hoping 
that one of my other relatives isn't lurking somewhere, 
spying on me.

	I kick the door open.  "I'm home!" I shout loudly, then 
step halfway into the door, then jump back.  Not good 
enough to draw anyone out.  I can see the front door closet 
and part of the living room.  She could be behind the couch.  
Or around the corner.

	I toss my suitcase down the length of the wall; sudden 
movement may draw her out.

	Or it may just pointlessly bash up my suitcase.  

	"Hello, anyone home?" I shout.

	Distantly, I hear Dad shout down from the second 
floor, "I'm in my office, honey!  There's tea and coke in the 
fridge if you're thirsty."  

	Dad working at home?  I'm stunned; I thought he was 
mystically chained to his office or something.  Mom keeps 
bugging him to work from home some, but...then again, 
today is THAT day, so that's probably why.  At least he's 
unlikely to ambush me after announcing his position.

	A quick sweep reveals a distinct lack of ambushing in 
the living room or the kitchen.  "Where's Auntie?" I 
shouted up to Dad.

	"They've gone shopping for stuff for no reason but to 
make me bankrupt," he shouted down.  

	I laughed.  That's my dad.  "If they'd waited, I could 
have helped bankrupt you!"

	"That's why I told them to get up early to beat the 
rush!"

	I laughed again, set my sword down on the counter 
between the living room and the kitchen (There's a large 
window and serving counter connecting them, you see.), 
and then I got a glass and poured myself some coke.

	That's when I felt the blade tips pressed between my 
ribs and a voice whispered into my ear, "You are already 
dead."

	I used to always spill all my drinks on myself when 
she did that, but I just laughed ruefully this time.  "You win 
again, Aunt Akira."

	She tossed the swords aside and hugged me.  "I 
thought you'd be lonely if no one ambushed you."

	"Really, I wouldn't have minded skipping that," I told 
her.

	Aunt Akira looked the same as ever, other than 
wearing golden Saturn earrings with a rather large emerald 
in each.  It was her only concession to femininity beyond a 
little makeup; she wore blue jeans and a t-shirt with grass 
stains on it.  I was a little surprised at that; she wears a lot 
of t-shirts, but not dirty ones.  

	"You been working outside?" I asked her.  "And 
where were you?"

	"The closet," she said.

	DAMMIT, I thought.  I always forget someone can fit 
in there if they're crazy nimble like Auntie or Aunt Akira.

	"Is Uncle Takumi here?" I asked.  I hoped so, as he's 
the designated sane person.  

	"We're taking care of some yardwork your father 
never gets around to," she said, with her judgemental tone 
of voice.

	"I was going to do it this weekend!" he yelled down.

	I still can't figure out how Dad can hear everything 
down here from his office upstairs.  Unless we WANT him 
to hear it.  Then he's deafer than a century old man.

	"Anyway, your mother asked me to do your inspection 
this year, as she has a huge amount of errands to run," Aunt 
Akira said.

	The inspection.  This thing would irritate me way less 
if someone would just tell me what the hell they're looking 
for.  I've tried raiding medical books, but I honestly can't 
find anything.  And they only seem to do it this time of 
year.  

	I sighed.  "Do we have to?  I mean, not that I care if 
you see me naked, but no one will even tell me why you do 
this."

	She's going to tell me I'm not old enough.  They all tell 
me that.  It pisses me off.  I'm sixteen!  I could get married, 
but they won't even tell me why they have to search me.  It 
can't be worries about drugs, as they did this when I was 
way too young to search for drugs.

	For a moment, I wondered if maybe they were afraid 
of me joining the Yakuza...no, even for my family, that 
would be a crazy thing to fear.  Me?  In the Yakuza?  No 
way.

	"You're not old enough yet," Akira said.

	"Dammit, when AM I going to be old enough?" I 
demanded.  "You don't do this to Shun!"  I paused.  "Hey, 
is Shun here?"

	"He's helping his father outside," Akira said.  Her 
voice was level.  "Your mother wants it this way.  As for 
Shun, that is between his father and myself."  I could feel 
the wall coming up.  Aunt Akira closes off really easily, 
and you have to coax her into coming out of stone-cold 
mode, which can take forever.

	Well, Shun will help me.  He takes more after his 
father than his mother, most of the time, thankfully.  Not 
that I don't love Aunt Akira, but she can be hard to deal 
with.  It's no wonder she married someone as mellow as 
Uncle Takumi.

	"Okay, let's go up to my room," I said, sighing.

	She walked with me quietly upstairs to my room; as 
usual, Mom had neatened it to death, so it would take me 
forever to find anything.  I pulled the blinds and started 
tossing clothing on the bed.  

	"You look so much like your mother did at your age, 
Crystal," Aunt Akira said.

	Don't ask me why my folks gave me a non-Japanese 
name.  It's given me nothing but grief; I thought about 
changing it, but by now, I've been hassled about it so much 
by people that I'd rather give them the finger by keeping it.  
At least no one ever forgets it.  

	"Yeah, everyone says that, though I'm blonde, like 
Dad."  I got Mom's breasts, anyway.  Which are useful for 
snaring men and not so useful for anything athletic.  I can 
see why Mom would be a couch potato if Dad didn't make 
her exercise with him.  Having them flap around in the 
middle of some game is a pain in the ass.

	I stood naked, while she carefully checked every inch 
of me.  "Next time, I'm going to demand that whoever 
searches me gets naked."

	Aunt Akira paused in the middle of searching my back 
and kicked the door shut.  I suddenly felt embarrassed that 
I'd stupidly left the door open.  Dad might have wandered 
by, and...well, he's Dad, but it's the principle of the thing.  
It's always a woman who checks me out for this...anyway.

	Then she started stripping, which surprised the hell out 
of me.  Aunt Akira typically shows as little skin as possible 
beyond maybe forearms, neck, and face.  Sometimes, she 
wears shorts.  But that's it.

	I'd never seen her naked before.  She's skinny as hell.  
I'm all curves, more than I want, she barely has any.  At 
least in comparison to me.

	Not that I'm bragging.

	"Tell me if you see anything unusual," she said.

	I froze.  The hell?  What the hell am I supposed to be 
looking for, anyway?  I studied her anyway, feeling rather 
intensely uncomfortable, more so than her looking at me, 
where I at least knew my half of the drill.

	"Your feet look kind of greasy and there's a rash," I 
said hesitantly.

	"Poison Ivy and dried lotion," she said.  "Check my 
back."

	I checked her back again.  It looked perfectly normal, 
other than a long scar, which I instinctively traced with a 
finger as she squirmed.  "Sorry, Aunt Akira," I said.  "I 
just...I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have done that."

	"Just the scar?" she asked, hesitantly, like she was 
afraid of the answer.

	"Let's see...tattoo that says 'If you can read this, you're 
too close'." 

	"WHAT?"  She squirmed around, trying to look at her 
back in my wall mirror.

	"That's a joke," I said.

	"..."  Few things are funnier looking than those rare 
moments where Aunt Akira is completely flummoxed.

	I began to laugh.  "How could you have gotten a tattoo 
on your back without knowing it?"

	"You'd be surprised," she mumbled.  

	I finished checking her over.  "You are, so far as I can 
tell, free of alien life forms clinging to your skin and 
controlling you or whatever exactly we're looking for."

	"Get dressed," she said, and started getting dressed.

	"So when do I get to find out whatever the hell you all 
are looking for?" I asked as I got dressed.

	"That's up to your mother and father and Aunt Mikoto, 
if they let her have a vote," Aunt Akira said, sounding just 
a little aggravated.  At least she wasn't being all frosty.

	They would.  Given they are both shagging her.  Or at 
least, I'm pretty damn sure my parents have a freaky 
relationship with my aunt.  Either that, or they draw the 
boundaries of affection a lot broader than most people.  
Though her not being a blood relative does at least dial the 
freakiness down some.  I call her Aunt Mikoto, but then, I 
have a small army of 'aunts' and 'uncles', none of which are 
blood-related, but all of whom...they have some joint 
secret, and us kids are not privy to it.  Yet, anyway.

	Sometimes I wonder if they all made a blood-pact 
with a demon that we'll all be initiated into when we grow 
up.  They're all too young looking for their ages, some 
more than others.  From the old pics, I don't think Aunt 
Miyu has aged A DAY.  Aunt Midori insists she's twenty-
nine, even though she ought to be in her forties.  But 
somehow, she can pull it off with her looks.  My parents 
don't look much older than her, neither do Aunt Akira or 
Uncle Takumi.  I mean, well, I don't know what I mean.

	I sometimes wonder if I'll eventually look older than 
they do.  My cousins and 'cousins' and I are all aging 
normally.  I think.

	Maybe I'm just imagining things.  We're all pretty 
healthy and fit, and I think that tends to retard aging, or at 
least the running down part of aging.

	I just don't know, but I wish they would TELL ME.

	On the way back downstairs once I was dressed, I 
went into the office and gave Dad a hug, ruffling his messy 
hair.  He claims it's a hairstyle, but I think we all know 
better--it's the total ABSENCE of a hair style.  "Whatcha 
working on?"

	"Trying to put together a proposal for a new 
purchasing deal after our first offer to Shinobi Robotics fell 
through," he said.  "Genom's making them a counter offer 
and I have to find some way to beat it without bankrupting 
ourselves."

	I frowned.  "Competition in that market's getting 
pretty tight, right?"

	Dad looked surprised, then pleased.  He'd never know 
I went and read up on some business news just to try and 
impress him; I love Dad, but we have different interests for 
the most part.  Beyond sword-fighting, but I had to pick 
that up as a survival skill in this house.  (Even if Mom 
wishes it wasn't that way.)  But I thought this would 
impress him; looks like I'm right.  "Exactly," he said.  
"There's a huge demand, but many companies are behind in 
the tech race; so the three big companies are snapping them 
up.  Well, there's also the American competition, but US 
Robots seems preoccupied with other matters, thankfully."

	We gabbled on about business matters for a bit longer 
until I felt I'd used up my research (for once, everything 
went according to the plan, WOOT!), then I headed down 
to find Uncle Takumi and Shun.

	Shun was busy digging up part of the garden, his long 
pale green hair flopping about in the breeze; his hair is way 
longer than mine; it always has been.  Shun's more 
feminine looking than either of his parents; most guys 
would hate it, but he seems to find it amusing.  

	Uncle Takumi was kneeling nearby, trying to get a 
shrub to fit into the hole Shun had dug for it.  I strode over 
and grabbed a spade and enlarged the whole.  "Hi, Uncle 
Takumi, Shun."

	Uncle Takumi smiled his gentle smile and pushed his 
bangs back.  He really needs to trim them more often.  
They're always getting in his eyes.  "Hi, Crystal.  How are 
you?"

	"I passed muster as not possessed by evil skin rashes 
or alien parasites," I told him.  He frowned a moment and 
then his smile came back.  "But your wife nailed me with 
an ambush."

	He looked around.  "Where is she?"

	"Probably lying in ambush for Aunt Mikoto, I guess," 
I told him, helping him fit the bush into the hole.  "You 
ought to measure out the hole you'll need first."

	"Takes too long," he said.

	"But then you just end up having to spend extra time 
enlarging it anyway," I told him.

	"Usually, Dad just crams it into the hole somehow 
anyway," Shun said, laughing a little.  "So Mom got you 
too?"

	"Yeah," I told him.  "How did you get home so fast?  
If I'd known you were coming here, I'd have come with you 
from school."  Shun and I both attend the Rosewind 
Academy, along with most of the rest of our 'cousins'.  

	"Mom came and got me right after exams ended; you 
didn't leave until this morning, right?"

	"Ahh," I said, grabbing a rose bush and trying to fit it 
into another of Shun's holes.  "Well, if I'd known..."

	He waved his hands.  "Hey, no one told me until this 
morning, when Dad dragged me out of bed."

	"Early bird gets the worm," Uncle Takumi said, 
standing over the wheelbarrow.  He finally plucked out 
several flowers in very small pots and began placing them.  

	"So why aren't you at work, Uncle Takumi?" I asked.

	"I'm taking some time off; we're going to take a little 
family vacation while Shun is on break," Takumi said.  
"And my sister begged me to come take care of the garden 
before..."

	Dad yelled out the window, "I WAS GOING TO DO 
IT THIS WEEKEND."

	That's my Dad.

	Uncle Takumi grinned.  He whispered, "Some things 
never change."

	"Was he always so much of a procrastinator?" I 
whispered back.

	"Opposites attract, as they say," Uncle Takumi said.  
"So, you been seeing anyone?"

	"Not lately.  I dumped Taiki because he was too much 
of a drone in the making," I said as I carefully packed dirt 
around the base of another bush.  "You guys staying for 
dinner?"

	"Yes, we're going to stay here overnight and 
tomorrow, then head off the morning after that," Uncle 
Takumi said.  "Also, I think Midori-sensei and Dan-kun 
and Natsuki-kun and Shizuru-san will be here.  And 
Natsuki's boyfriend of the month...whatever his name is."

	"Roger Smith," Shun said.  He's usually up on the 
family gossip.  He and Natasha seem to have a rivalry to 
see who can dig up the most dirt.  Natasha is another one of 
our 'cousins', Aunt Shiho's kid.  Only half as crazy as her 
mother.  

	Aunt Midori and Aunt Natsuki are cool.  Aunt 
Shizuru...I dunno.  Something happened, and everyone's 
always a little on edge around her, it seems like to me.  
She's so sweet and kind, but it seems kinda almost 
desperate at times.  
	
	"Any chance of Aunt Haruka showing?"  She's a ton 
of fun, especially once she gets drunk and Aunt Yukino has 
to try to restrain her, which is like watching a spider trying 
to restrain a bear.  

	"Too busy taking over the world," Uncle Takumi said, 
laughing.  "And Reito is off on a business trip again, as 
usual."

	She isn't REALLY taking over the world, but she is 
knee-deep in politics and big business at the same time, so 
we don't see her much.

	That being said, I won't be surprised if she DOES take 
over the world.  Probably better she not come; she and 
Aunt Shizuru bicker too much.

	"Well, our house gets too crowded, anyway, if 
everyone comes," I said.

	"Putting us all in one place at once would just be 
asking for trouble," Uncle Takumi said.

	I can't tell if he accidentally gives these hints or if he 
does it just to drive me crazy.  

	Shun gave me a glance which I think meant 'try to 
draw him out'.  Maybe if I had a few hours to plan my 
response, but I'm just not very subtle.

	"Well, the world didn't end when you were all together 
at school, did it?" I asked him.  I've tried looking up that 
school, but all you can find about it are bland platitudes and 
propaganda.

	He slumped in on himself, leaning forward on the 
spade in his hand.  "No, it didn't," he said, but it sounded 
like 'yes, it did, but I can't tell you', to me.  Though I would 
think if the world DID end, surely someone would have 
noticed.

	"Pass me the violets," he said, deflecting the subject.

	Maybe I can get someone drunk and squeeze 
something out of them tonight, I thought.  Worth a shot.

*************
	
	Much later, we were just about done when I heard the 
sound of running feet.  I knew what that meant, especially 
when they suddenly stopped a fair distance away.  I leaped 
over, grabbed Shun's shovel, and spun to one side.  

	Aunt Mikoto's first strike landed where I had been.  I 
gave ground, parrying the next four.  We slowly circled the 
yard, while Uncle Takumi shook his head and began 
cleaning up the gardening equipment.  I finally got in a 
counterattack, but she just flipped over me to stab me in the 
back.  She would have gotten me, but there was a blur from 
above, and Dad dropped down, parrying the blow with one 
of his practice swords.  "It's on, is it?" he said, grinning.

	Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow.  The 
lunacy around here makes me crazy sometimes, but other 
times, it can be fun.  "IT'S ON!" I shouted, moving to flank 
Aunt Mikoto to the left while Dad moved to her right.  
Now we drove her back, laughing, as she giggled.

	"Well, at least they aren't destroying the living room 
this time," Uncle Takumi said to Shun.

	"We're in no place to talk," Shun said, laughing 
himself.

	Then I heard more footsteps.  Here comes Aunt Akira, 
I thought.  I let her get close, then dropped low and spun, 
going for her legs.  She leaped over my blow awkwardly, 
crashing into Father; she poked him in the side, but he 
elbowed her in the gut.  They tumbled and rolled, then 
faced off, two short swords against his longer one.

	This left me to face Aunt Mikoto alone.  I wish I could 
call that a fair fight, but I think we all know better than that.

	She pressed me back across the yard and almost 
pinned me against the fence, until I shouted, "Nice bikini, 
Mom!"

	Aunt Mikoto turned to look; she's so weirdly gullible 
about some things.  Mom was, in fact, nowhere to be seen, 
and soon, I slipped out of the trap and ran.  Aunt Mikoto 
came after me; she runs like some kind of weird cat-gorilla 
thing.  I've tried to do it, and I can't even figure out how she 
does it.  But damn, she's fast.

	I dodged one powerful thrust by leaping up into a tree, 
but that was a mistake; Aunt Mikoto is MORE deadly in 
the underbrush.  She managed to grab my foot and I had to 
throw myself out of the tree to have any hope of escape.  

	We tumbled to the ground and she stood over me, 
grinning fiendishly, about to give the master stroke, when I 
heard Aunt Natsuki shout, "Dhuran, NO!"

	Then a German Shepard the size of a mountain...well, 
a hill...just a big dog...threw itself at Aunt Mikoto, driving 
her back up into the tree.  

	I grinned.  "Good doggie."  

	I rose as Aunt Natsuki ran up to me.  "You okay, 
Crystal?  Dhuran's a good boy, but he's so enthusiastic."

	"I'm fine; he jumped over me."  I let her help me up 
and I then gave her a hug.  She was wearing her motorcycle 
outfit, so I had to ask, "How did you get Dhuran here on 
your motorcycle?"

	"Roger brought him," she said.  "Shizuru and I got 
drafted as slave labor by your mother, so we'll be here a 
few days and I couldn't find a kennel I trusted for him."

	'Slave labor'.  Dammit, why does Mom always have to 
put me to work every time I come home on vacation?  Can't 
the furniture get moved some other time?  Maybe I'm being 
selfish, but it makes me crazy.

	Dad and Aunt Akira danced past us, still locked in 
combat, while Dhuran began vigorously barking at Aunt 
Mikoto, who lurked on a high branch, somehow clinging to 
it with her toes.  Shun finally came over and grasped 
Dhuran to try and pull him away, only to end up being 
dragged around the yard by Dhuran while Uncle Takumi 
tried to help stop him.

	"So this Roger is your new boyfriend, right?" I asked 
Aunt Natsuki.

	"Roger Smith.  He's a negotiator," Natsuki said.  "We 
met while he was dealing with one of my clients."  Aunt 
Natsuki is a bodyguard.  

	"That's not some kind of conflict of interest issue, is 
it?" I asked.  I'm never sure how those things work, but 
Dad, some days, can't go 20 minutes without using the 
phrase.

	"It's fine," Natsuki said.  "We're in different lines of 
work, really.  I'm a bodyguard, not a negotiator."

	"Honey, aren't you supposed to be finishing your work 
so you can help us tomorrow?" Mom shouted from the 
back door.  She was about as dressed up as when she 
works, which is to say, pretty dressed up.  She and Aunt 
Mikoto, who never wears anything formal except at 
gunpoint, must have made quite a pair at the mall.  Or 
wherever they went.

	"Just taking a little break, dear," Dad said, ducking 
under one of Aunt Akira's slashes, only to get poked with 
her other sword.  "When 'It's On,' 'It's On', you know."

	She frowned.  Mom doesn't like violence.  Why 
exactly she has two sword-fighting freaks as lovers despite 
that, I don't entirely understand.  "Crystal, come inside and 
get cleaned up.  You need to help me cook."

	"Can't Aunt Shizuru help you?" I yelled.  

	"Her slave labor starts tomorrow, but tonight, she's a 
guest," Mom said.

	That's my Mom.  It's all got to go according to the 
plan, or she gets flustered and irritable.  And you really 
don't want to be around when she loses her temper.

	"Better save Shun, Aunt Natsuki," I said to her, then 
ran inside to the kitchen, listening to the continued sounds 
of violence and frisky dog.

	Mom shook her head and pointed me to a pile of 
vegetables.  "Hack them into little bits," she told me, so I 
washed my hands and went to work.  

	"So what ARE we doing tomorrow?" I asked.

	"I bought a load of new furniture.  We've got to 
remove the old stuff to the storage unit and move the new 
stuff in when it arrives in the morning.  Then we have to 
move some other stuff around.  I hired professionals to do 
the new wallpaper, but I think you'll be back in school 
before they come," Mom said.  She was busy prepping the 
meat; looked like one of her weird chicken / beef / pork all 
come to live together things again tonight.

	I don't mind; they're good, but they're a lot of work.

	"Redecorating?  Again?"  It seems like Mom 
redecorates every five minutes.

	"It's been two years.  That's long enough," she said.

	My parents make too much money for their own good, 
I think.  At least Mom doesn't waste it on antique swords 
which will never actually be used.  Unlike some relatives I 
could name.

	Admittedly, the last redecoration had to happen after 
Dad, my aunts, and I kind of trashed the living room 
completely.  I tried to make them stop, but once we all get 
into it, it's like some kind of madness.  

	"And at the rate things are going, all this furniture will 
be broken by dawn."  Mom sighed.

	From the living room, Aunt Shizuru said, "You have 
my assurance that I will not contribute to breaking the 
furniture."  Like Mom, she's pretty pacific.  But more...I 
dunno the right word.  I get that feeling she's got wounds 
from it.  Mom too, but more than Mom.  She's more... 
fervent.  Mom's not socially conscious enough to be a 
peace activist like Aunt Shizuru.  Though the fact that Aunt 
Shizuru got a huge inheritance and can do whatever the hell 
she wants probably makes it easier too.  

	"Or I," Roger Smith said.  His Japanese was a little 
wobbly, but he looked like a smooth operator to me.  And 
rather handsome and dignified.  But I'm not going to think 
about that, as he's at least twice my age and taken.  
Dammit.

	"Thank you.  Would either of you like more tea?" 
Mom asked them.

	"Yes, please," Roger Smith said.

	"I'll get it," Aunt Shizuru said.  She came into the 
kitchen and got the teapot off its warmer.  

	"You don't have to," Mom said.

	"Oh, I insist," Aunt Shizuru said.  "Please, let me 
help."  Her voice was calm, but there was just...that 
something.  

	"Of course," Mom said, smiling.  "I'm just trying to be 
a good hostess."

	"You're a very good hostess, and always kind to your 
guests," Aunt Shizuru said, patting her hand, her voice 
more sincerely warm.  "I envy you that."  And then she 
turned and went to pour Mr. Smith some more tea; they 
lapsed back into small talk I could barely hear.

	I glanced over at Mom; she had a face full of calm.  I 
wasn't sure if it was real calm or 'I'm going to hide my 
emotions again', which she sometimes does.  Mom has a 
hard time delegating work to others.  Except when it comes 
to putting me to work on my vacations.

	"Did my sister..." Mom began.  She always refers to 
Aunt Akira as her sister.  Sometimes, she calls the rest of 
my aunts sister too, usually when she gets emotional.  But 
if she doesn't add a name, it's Akira.  

	"Yes.  I am free of evil and skin rashes," I told her.  
"She's got poison ivy on her feet, though."

	"Did you tell her not to scratch it?" Mom asked as she 
chopped meat.

	"I'm not exactly a medical authority, Mom," I told her.  
"I'm sure she knows by her age to not scratch it."  Yeah, 
Aunt Akira would take me telling her what to do with her 
injuries REAL well, Mom.

	"So when do I get to know the secrets of the 
universe?" I asked.  I always ask, even knowing it's 
probably futile.

	"Not yet," she said.  Possibly on auto-pilot.  I think 
she's hoping nothing will ever happen and she'll never have 
to talk about it.  Never mind that I will likely go crazy and 
go on some sort of axe-rampage long before then.

	"Do I even get to know when I get to know?"

	"When you're older."

	"Mom..." I began.  I should know better than to press 
the point by now.  But I can't help it.  Clearly, there's 
something dangerous behind all this.  SO WHY WON'T 
THEY TELL ME?  

	Mom glanced out into the living room, then very 
softly and tensely said, "Not now, new topic."  Louder, she 
said, "So do you think you did well on your finals?"

	It then hit me that Mr. Smith was within earshot, and 
if she wouldn't tell me, she sure as hell wouldn't tell one of 
Aunt Natsuki's disposable men.

	Okay, that's too cruel.  Slightly.

	It's just that none of them ever last more than a few 
months.  I've noticed that none of my aunts or uncles ever 
manage to hold onto anyone they weren't dating when I 
was little.  Or in other words, anyone not part of the family 
secret.  

	Probably, I would guess, the boyfriends eventually 
figure out there's something they're not privy to, and once 
they don't get told, they decide it's safer to bail.  Also, Aunt 
Natsuki has a temper, sometimes.

	Part of me was tempted to just push the point, but for 
the sake of Aunt Natsuki, I kept my tongue.  "Phys. Ed, 
English, Math, Literature, I nailed those.  Everything else, 
kind of mediocre.  History, I bombed like crazy, since it is 
BOOOOORING."

	Dan and his mom, Aunt Midori, always get mad at me 
when I say that, but it's the simple truth.  History is just a 
bunch of stupid old people killing each other for no reason.  
It just doesn't matter to my life.  Live in the present, people.

	There was gentle laughter from the living room.  "I 
never liked history either," Roger confessed.  A definite 
point in his favor.  

	"Those who do not know the past are doomed to 
repeat it," Aunt Shizuru said sharply, surprising me.  "You 
cannot understand the now with knowing what led to it."  I 
hadn't heard her get this harsh since when I was nine and 
Natasha and I sort of smashed three of her vases into small 
bits for basically no reason.  (Using them to play 
horseshoes with...I can't even imagine now why we thought 
that was wise.)

	"True," Roger said.  "But in most cases, things which 
happened hundreds of years ago don't have any impact on 
today."

	I could see Mom whack a chicken breast with her 
knife hard enough that one end flew up and whacked me in 
the face before I could stop it.  Aunt Shizuru said frostily, 
"Even the ancient past has been known to come around and 
catch people unprepared."

	I tried to assess how much of this was the way Aunt 
Shizuru usually doesn't like any of Aunt Natsuki's 
boyfriends and how much was some nerve getting hit.  
Aunt Natsuki and Aunt Shizuru...I think they were lovers at 
some point in the past, then broke up.  They can't stay away 
from each other, but they can't quite get it together, either.  
I hope I never end up like that.

	Loudly, Mother said, "Anyone seen a weather report?  
Tomorrow will be terrible if it rains."

	"I don't know, but let's check," Roger said.  I think he 
was grateful to Mom for bailing him out.  He turned on the 
TV and everyone let the TV do the talking for a while.

*************

	Shun and Aunt Natsuki and I were playing frisbee in 
the backyard while the food cooked.  "You should ask your 
boyfriend to come out before Aunt Shizuru kills and eats 
him," I told her.

	Natsuki froze for just a second, then laughed.  "Well, 
we'll see."

	She went inside to get him and I asked Shun, "So what 
do you think of him?"

	"He's less of a gorilla than most of them," Shun said.  
"Could mean she's ready to finally move on, or it may just 
be that he hides his fangs well."

 	I nodded.

	We were still playing frisbee when the back door 
opened and Dan ambled out.  He's a tall skinny redhead, 
Midori's son.  He takes more after his mom, than his dad, 
who is this suicidal archaeologist who is, I think, a lot older 
than Midori. Or maybe he just shows his age.  Given his 
absence, I assumed he was off on a dig.

	"Hey!  Can I join you?"

	"Of course," I said, hurling the frisbee to him. He 
caught it, spun around, and hurled it to Mr. Smith.  

	"You must be Mr. Smith," Dan said.

	"I'm Roger Smith, negotiator.  Nice to meet you."  He 
gave Dan a business card, on instinct, I assume.

	"Any chance you could negotiate me a way out of my 
flunking grade in Math?" Dan asked ruefully.

	"Teachers tend to be pretty hard bargainers," Roger 
Smith said, laughing, as he now hurled the frisbee to Aunt 
Natsuki.

	Aunt Natsuki caught the frisbee and spun it on one 
finger.  "You'd do better if you studied, Dan-kun."

	"Pot meet kettle," Dan said, grinning.

	Aunt Natsuki looked embarrassed.  From the stories 
I've heard, she was pretty delinquent in High School.  Dan's 
not so bad as her, but he coasts too much on his natural 
intelligence instead of studying.

	"So you're staying with us with your Mom?" I asked 
Dan as Natsuki flicked the frisbee to Shun, who had to dive 
to catch it; he flicked it to Roger Smith, who tossed it to 
me.

	"Yeah.  Gonna be crowded," he said, then laughed.  
"Aunt Mikoto couldn't quite get why Shun and I couldn't 
just sleep in your room with you."

	I sometimes wonder if aliens raised Aunt Mikoto.  
"Much as I hate to give up my nice soft bed, it might make 
more sense for you guys to take my room since I have the 
huge bed, while I sleep on the sofa or something."  I'm too 
noble for my own good, really.

	Dan continued, "She was all 'Well, Shun's half-girl 
anyway, so they could share the bed, and Dan could take 
the floor'."  He started laughing.

	Shun really does look rather like a flat chested woman.  
He also likes to crossdress to tease people sometimes.  
Really, as our family goes, that's normal, I'm afraid.  

	Shun said, "'Sibling love is the purest'," mimicking 
Mikoto's voice.  He's got a talent, I think. 

	It was at this point I remembered Roger Smith was 
listening and noticed Aunt Natsuki was starting to turn red.  
Sorry, Auntie, but you knew what you were getting into, 
bringing any of your boyfriends near us.

	"Anyway," I said, "We should..."

	"DINNER!" Mom shouted out the window.  

	So we headed in to eat.

*************

	The phone rang in the middle of dinner; I got it, being 
designated dinner time phone answerer.  I ran to the kitchen 
and got it.  "Tate household.  This is Crystal."

	"Oh, hi, Crystal, how are you?"  It was Aunt Akane.  
"I just need to know what time to bring the kids over 
tomorrow."  Aunt Akane and her husband have three kids; 
the oldest is Kasumi, who goes to Rosewind with me; the 
two boys are twins, and they're only 10, and they're total 
brats--Keiichi and Katsuhito.  TOTAL BRATS.  Kasumi's 
a sweetie, but she's too much a softie like her mom.  

	"Slave labor begins at 8 AM," I told her.  "Seven AM 
if you want to help eat Mom out of house and home."  
More help would be nice, assuming anyone actually put 
Kasumi to work instead of assuming she's made of fine 
china.  Everyone always seems to think she and her mother 
might snap in twain if you put much stress on them.  So I 
was surprised they were coming.

	"Okay.  Your mother was so much help to us when we 
had to do the house repairs, we wanted to repay her," Aunt 
Akane told me.  I remembered that.  There was a hideous 
storm about four months ago and it knocked a tree right 
through the roof of Aunt Akane's house; she and Uncle 
Kazuya almost got crushed by the branches.  Mom, being 
the mad organizer she is, moved in and basically organized 
the entire cleanup operation and repair job for them.

	"Okay, more people means less work for me.  I'll let 
her know you called," I told her.

	"Did..."  She hesitated.  

	Maybe I could get something out of Aunt Akane.  She 
tends to be the weakest link, after all.  "I could hardly 
believe it when I saw it."

	I could hear her breathe catch.  "I...you did?  Where?"

	Hot damn, I should have thought of this a long time 
ago.  "Back," I said.  I could pretend to be innocently 
talking about the scar if I have to.

	"Like Akira," she mumbled.  "Did they...have you 
been told everything, then?"

	I trembled.  So close to striking gold.  So close.  "Aunt 
Akira was kind of close-mouthed," I said.  

	"What, didn't your parents..."

	"No," I said honestly.

	She sighed.  "Well, I shouldn't say anything, then."  

 	Dammit, I botched things up, I thought.  Best to cover.  
"We are talking about the scar on Aunt Akira's back, 
right?"

	"Yes...you could call it that..." Aunt Akane mumbled.  
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

	No, don't hang up, I thought.  "You..."

	Click.

	DAMMIT.

	I went back to the dinner table.  "Aunt Akane's coming 
with her kids tomorrow."

	"When you say 'kids', you mean 'just Kasumi', right?" 
Dad asked.

	"No."

	"Well, damn."

	Mother poked his arm.  "Language, dear."

	"Well, babysitters are expensive," Mother said, 
sighing.  "We'll just have to work past it."

	"Maybe we can get Dhuran to herd them all day," I 
said.  "He is a shepherd."

	Natsuki laughed.

	"Well, they can play in the yard, out of the way," 
Mother said. 

	I prayed the fence would be enough to contain them.

************

	I was relaxing on the back porch later with Dan and 
Shun, when I felt a shadow of doom come over me.  You 
can tell Aunt Midori's mood just from looking at her 
shadow, given she tends to overexaggerate every emotion 
she has.  "Here to kick my ass for doing badly in history?"

	She deflated a bit; beating her to her big speech 
usually helps.  "It's crucial to know the past!  It's the great 
undiscovered country for us to unravel!"

	"It's boring," I said flatly, partly out of conviction, 
partly because watching Aunt Midori get worked up is 
pretty entertaining.

	If you've ever met Aunt Midori, you've heard her 
'history is good' rant roughly 3 billion times, so I won't bore 
you with it.  If you haven't, better off you not lose precious 
minutes of your life.

	She concluded with, "Those who forget the past are 
doomed to repeat it!"

	"If you think that, why won't you tell us what all of 
you are hiding?" I asked.

	Torpedo amidships!  Battleship...sunk.

	Aunt Midori deflated.  "I lost the vote," she mumbled.

	I should have known that by now.  

	"You do realize that if you don't tell us and we 
stumble into something related to it, we won't know any 
better, right?"

	She sighed.  "I know.  But I promised."

	"Dammit, Aunt Midori, we need to know!"  I pounded 
my fist on my lawn chair.  Unwise, as now it folded up 
around me and Shun had to help me get disentangled.

	"I'd like to know," Shun said.

	Dan...I suddenly wondered if she'd secretly told Dan 
and he had promised to stay silent.  As he didn't say 
anything.

	Aunt Midori helped me up.  "I won't go against Mai's 
will on this, even if I think it a mistake."  She grimaced.

	Dammit, Mom, why are you hiding this?  All of my 
cousins are curious, but I think I'm the one who worries 
about this the most.  I hate unpredictable secret things.  
They wreck my plans.

	I was unable, however, to extract more secrets from 
her before time for bed.

****************

	It took some shuffling to get everyone some space.  
Aunt Mikoto moved into my parent's room (which 
admittedly, she usually does, most nights, anyway) with my 
folks, while Aunt Akira and Uncle Takumi took her room.  
I had to give up my bed to Shun and Dan, while Aunt 
Shizuru and Aunt Natsuki took the guest room and Aunt 
Midori and I ended up on the sofa-bed.  Mr. Smith headed 
home; likely better for his continued sanity, anyway.
 
	I remain convinced that hell spawned demons made 
that sofa bed; I can hardly sleep on it.  Fortunately, Aunt 
Midori was too wired on coffee to sleep, so we were able to 
stay up late and talk to each other while everyone else slept, 
a pleasure which I knew I would regret in the morning 
when I had to get up on inadequate sleep.  But I wasn't 
ready for slumber.

	I couldn't get any secrets out of her, but I did get some 
adventure stories from her about her travels for her 
archaeology.  I must admit, she makes history sound more 
interesting than any of my teachers ever do.

	It was about 2 AM, and we were about to finally go to 
sleep, when I heard the limo pull up.  While I can't 
recognize most car engines, Aunt Haruka's limo has this 
distinctive sound to it.  Like a legion of tanks coming for 
you.

	"Is that Haruka-chan?" Aunt Midori mumbled.  
		
	"Why is she coming here at this hour?" I asked.

	The banging on the door could have woken the dead; I 
popped out of bed and ran to the door.  I could faintly hear 
Aunt Yukino; it sounded like she was trying to restrain 
Aunt Haruka.  Typical.  This had better not be like the time 
she showed up demanding some of mom's hot fresh 
muffins at 3 in the morning FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

	Only the muffins would save the world or something.

	Anyway, I was stunned to see her in her pajamas; she 
had her 'Unstoppable juggernaut' face on.  "Wake the 
adults.  We must talk."

	"At 2 AM?" I said blearily.

	"YES."

	"This isn't another nightmare, is it?" I asked.

	"I do not simply come running over here every time I 
have a nightmare!" Aunt Haruka said.  

	Because Aunt Yukino stops you, I thought.  Aunt 
Yukino was in her pajamas, but had thrown a robe on over 
them.  I sighed.  "Come in.  I'll wreck everyone's sleep."

	Aunt Midori fumbled to a stand.  "Hey, come to join 
the slumber party?"

	"I regret my duties preclude assisting with this 
redecoration; I have to make my appointments a good ways 
in advance these days, Midori-sensei," Haruka said, 
calming down a little.  "But I must see the adults, and no 
one returned my calls."

	"Probably because everyone is in bed," I mumbled.

	"Crystal, go get your cousins and go play in the 
backyard."

	"At 2 AM?  In our pajamas?" I said in disbelief.

	Midori frowned.  "What's going on, Haruka?"

	"I saw him," Haruka said.

	"I think you were dreaming," Yukino said.

	"It was not a dream!  All of the chocolate swirl ice 
cream was gone when we double-checked!" Haruka said.

	"You ate all of that when the Johnson deal fell 
through," Yukino said softly.

	"I did not!" Haruka insisted.  "I saw him and everyone 
must know."

	Midori frowned.  "Take no chances.  Crystal, go stay 
with your cousins until we finish; we'll meet down here."

	"But..."

	"No buts," Midori said.  "Now."  Her voice was 
suddenly commanding.

	I headed upstairs and soon Dan, Shun, and I were 
listening to the sound of adults milling about and heading 
downstairs.

	"We have to spy on them," Shun said.  "It's practically 
obligatory by law."

	"How the hell are we going to spy on them without 
your Mother catching us?" I asked.

	"We lurk in your dad's office; I think the acoustics 
there help him hear everything," Shun said.

	My eyes widened.  "Damn, that's clever.  It's worth a 
try."

	Dad must have pretty good ears, as we could only 
make out bits and pieces.  Something about Aunt Haruka 
finding some guy raiding her fridge and making ominous 
statements about the future or something.  Most of them 
seemed to quickly conclude it was a dream, but I could hear 
Aunt Shizuru breathing very hard, and Aunt Natsuki 
wanted to take a posse over to look for evidence.  Aunt 
Midori seconded the motion.

	They decided to send Mom, Dad, Aunt Midori, Aunt 
Natsuki, Aunt Haruka and Aunt Yukino back to look, while 
Uncle Takumi, Aunt Akira, and Aunt Shizuru stayed here 
with Dhuran in case of 'trouble'.  Whatever that meant.

	I could hear the three of them coming for the stairs, so 
the three of us scampered back into my bedroom.

	There was a knock.  "Come in," I said blearily.

	Aunt Akira answered the door.  "Aunt Haruka is 
having a little trouble with her house and needs some of us 
to come help with it right now.  Takumi and I and Shizuru-
san will be here if you need us."

	Could they insult my intelligence more?  That many 
adults and they can't cook up a better lie?  But I was too 
tired to fight.  

	Shun, however, said, "It can't wait until morning?"

	"No," Aunt Akira said.  "If you hear anything strange, 
come and get us immediately.  Do you understand?"

	"Yes, Mom," Shun said, sighing.

	And then she was gone.

	I couldn't sleep, not until they came back.  Dan was 
asleep but was mumbling in his sleep; probably Aramaic, 
which his mom forced him to learn to help her with some 
of her work one summer.  He's good with languages.  

	Shun couldn't sleep either, but we had nothing to say, 
so we both laid there in the dark and I wished I had 
someone to make out with to distract myself.

	I'm gonna be a zombie in the morning, I thought.

	Finally, we simply collapsed and I slept until morning.

***********

	Watching Aunt Akane be perky when the rest of us 
were exhausted was not fun, but seeing her twins were in 
full psycho mode didn't help either.  However, the mood of 
my family had lifted and I concluded that Aunt Haruka 
must have been dreaming.  This happens every so often.  

	It would probably happen more often if not for Aunt 
Yukino.  I dunno what exactly their relationship is.  I've 
never seen them kiss or anything like that, but they seem 
awfully close and while their boyfriends come and go, they 
seem to be eternal.

	By lunchtime, I was ready to die; I just wanted 
SLEEP.  At least it wasn't too hot outside.

	Aunt Akane said, "How about if I take everyone out to 
lunch?  You all look so tired."  She and Kasumi looked like 
spring chickens by comparison.

	"Oh, we couldn't impose," Mai said.  "You're helping 
us, we should cook you something."

	"I don't mind, and it'll take forever to cook enough for 
this many, and we won't all have room to eat together," 
Akane said.  "And I have some coupons."  Aunt Akane is 
very thrifty, like Mom.

	"Oh, well, in that case, it would be terrible to let 
coupons go to waste," Mom said.  "Let's load up and go."

	"Can I ride with Aunt Natsuki?" I asked.  I love riding 
her bike, and don't get to do it too often.

	Natsuki looked at Shizuru, who said, "That's fine, I'll 
ride with Mai, if Mai doesn't mind Crystal riding with you."

	"Wear a helmet, be careful," Mother said.

	I was surprised; she almost never lets me ride Aunt 
Mikoto's cycle or Aunt Natsuki's.

	I got one of Aunt Mikoto's extra helmets and hopped 
on with Aunt Natsuki.  We roared off towards downtown, 
where we were going.  "So was it all a dream?" I asked 
Aunt Natsuki.

	"Yeah," she said.  "Just a bad dream."

	"Someone you knew in the old days, in her dream?"

	"Can't talk about it," she said ruefully.  "But I don't 
think those days will come again.  Not after it's been so 
long."  She sounded almost as if she missed it.

	"Good times as well as bad?" I asked softly.

	"Yeah," she said.  "I know Midori was di..."  She 
smiled ruefully.  "You're good at wiggling things out of 
people."

	"I have to be, when no one will tell me anything," I 
said a little bitterly.

	"All teenagers feel that," Aunt Natsuki said as she 
took a corner faster than was strictly necessary.

	"Yes, but it's literally true in my case!  If I'm in 
danger..."

	"You're not in danger," Aunt Natsuki said.  "Or we'd 
tell you everything."

	"I'm just in danger of being in danger."  

	"Maybe," Aunt Natsuki said.

	I sighed and leaned against her.  "Fine.  Just remember 
that if I get in trouble out of ignorance, it's all of your 
faults, not mine.  I tried to get wise and you stopped me."

	I could feel her grimace, but she didn't say anything.  
So for now, I gave it a rest.

*************
	
	Lunch was pretty good; beyond the brats managing to 
douse Aunt Shizuru, Aunt Akane, and themselves in coffee, 
we had a good time, and I felt more alive once we headed 
back to the house to work more.  

	I worked my butt off all day, and at the end of the day, 
fell down on the sofa bed and went right to sleep.

	Shun, Akira, and Takumi took off the next day, though 
I could tell Aunt Akira was conflicted about it.  It took us 
three days to finish rearranging everything, by which time 
Dan and I were dog-tired.

	Things had fairly well calmed down by then.  Aunt 
Natsuki and Shizuru had to take off to get back to work, but 
Aunt Midori and Dan stayed, probably to mooch off Mom's 
good cooking.

	The rest of the vacation went by pretty peacefully; 
once again, I had been defeated in my efforts to extract the 
family secrets.  But I had some fun despite the 
aggravations, so it wasn't a complete loss.

	I plopped down in my seat on the train, wondering if 
I'd have company; there's another kid at my school I 
sometimes ride with; he's kind of young, but very 
precocious.  Sometimes, it's just good to have someone 
who will sit and patiently listen to you bitch.

	Fortunately, he was there, so I was able to unload the 
whole saga onto him, get it off my chest.  "So what do you 
think?" I asked him.

	"You tried talking to the headmaster at Fuuken 
Gakuen already, right?" he asked.

	"Yeah, she's in on it," I said.  "I didn't even know Aunt 
Fumi ran the place until I got there.  She doesn't talk about 
work much."

	"I wish I had as many relatives as you," he said a little 
mournfully, ruffling his light purple, somewhat spikey hair.

	"Well, it has its good and its bad.  I just wish I knew 
why my parents won't tell me anything."

	"They're probably afraid that you'll rush off and get in 
the same trouble they did.  Most of what parents do is 
trying to get their kids to not make the same mistakes."  He 
shook his head.  "My parents were very strict."

	"Mine are only really strict about this."  I looked over 
at him.  "Just remember..."

	"Don't tell anyone.  I know.  My lips are sealed," he 
said.  "And you didn't tell them about me, right?"

	"Right.  They'd go crazy if they knew I talked to some 
one outside the family about this.  But I need someone with 
an outside perspective," I told him.  

	"Well, they all sound like good people," my friend 
said.  "But appearances can be deceiving.  Andrew 
Carnegie is largely remembered as a charitable man now, 
but his rivals found him ruthless and destructive."  He 
sounded rather admiring of this.  Boys can be a little stupid 
like that.

	"But I'm sure they just want to protect you.  Parents 
get crazy about that," he said.  "Mine certainly do.  Still, it's 
wisest you learn more, as they can't go to school with you, 
after all.  I found something you might want to look into."  
He handed me a piece of paper with a sort of circle with a 
dot in the middle, with a kind of flechette above it.  

	"Where did you find that?" I asked.

	"It was the sign of a cult that doesn't exist anymore, 
after it was destroyed at Fuuken Gakuen, around the time 
your parents were there.  It may not have any relevance, 
but..."

	"Wow, thanks, Nagisa.  How did you get it?"

	He waggled his fingers and ruffled his light purple 
hair.  "The Internet knows all and sees all, then buries it 
under 20,000 pages of porn and junk.  Until I come looking 
for it."

	"Ahh, cool."  I need to perfect my internet skills 
anyway, I thought.  

	"This will be a great help.  Thanks."

	"You're welcome, Crystal," he said.

	"So, ready for another year of school?" I asked him.

	"I expect it will be very interesting."

	Kazahana Nagisa's a good guy; kind of weird, but he's 
been a big help to me with this.  I could use more friends 
like that.

	Someone I can trust.

The End.

*************

Author's afterword:  I have a lot more ideas for this 
universe, but lots of other fics I really need to finish first.  
But I had to get this one out of my head.