[We see our gang of heroes and heroines (Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi) getting ready to board Kirin's boat for a ride home] Kirin: Fare well on your trip. Ranma: Thanks! And thanks for letting me use your stuff to finally get back to normal! [thinking] Better than normal! Finally, no more girl-body! [The castle shakes from an explosion downstairs. A page boy runs up to Kirin.] Page Boy: Sir, six armies of demons have invaded the dungeons. Kirin: ... Ukyou: Six entire armies? Page Boy: Well, six different forces, several dozen each. Kirin: WHY? Page Boy: [steps back, pales slightly] I don't know, my lord. Something about Happousai. Hitomi: Happousai? Ukyou: Happousai. Great. Just Great. [Onna-Happousai runs up and leaps on the boat.] Onna-Happousai: GET THIS THING IN MOTION! Kirin: Happousai, why have you unleashed demons on us? Ranma: That's Happousai? [boggles] Onna-Happousai: Herb tricked me into it! Ranma: Herb's here? Kirin: Even Herb isn't crazy enough to unleash dozens of demons... Onna-Happousai: [interrupting] Hundreds, actually. Kirin: Hundreds of demons, then. WHY? Onna-Happousai: Apparently, Herb sold his soul to Mephisto, Satannish, Dispater, Mammon, Dormammu, Beelzebub, Arawn, Cthulhu, Elvis, Graz'zt, Hunter Thompson, Chthon, Thulsa Doom, and some girl in a brothel in Singapore. At least six of the above just sent their armies to collect. Ranma: No way! Onna-Happousai: Look, we don't have long before they stop fighting each other and team up to come after us too. I know how to stop them, but I need help. Kirin: Are you sure you're not the one who sold your soul? Ukyou: I doubt he has one to sell. Kirin: Good point. Onna-Happousai: [desperately] Look, we have to go and go NOW! Look, if I was lying, I'd just steal the boat and leave you all here to die, right? Hitomi: You would? [whacks her with a broom] You're evil! Onna-Happousai: Hey, I said I'd do that IF I was lying! Don't hit me! I need your help, Ranma, and the rest of you's help too. Ranma: If you're trying to trick us into helping you on a panty raid... Onna-Happousai: I give up. I'm leaving. You want to stay here and die, be my guest. [hops onto the flying boat] Kirin: [frowns] What exactly do you need them to do? Onna-Happousai: We have to go to the temple of the Angry Buddha. Kirin: [blanches] You're kidding. Ranma: The what? Hitomi: You can't have a temple of the ANGRY Buddha. Buddhas don't get angry. [pauses] Well, maybe if you met Buddha on the road and killed him. That would make me angry. Shinnosuke: Maybe he forgot he was a Buddha and got mad. Hitomi: So he's your evil twin, then. Onna-Happousai: I don't have time to explain it all! We're leaving! Now! Kirin: If Happousai is desperate enough to risk the temple of the Angry Buddha, then he must be telling the truth. [pauses, then smirks] She must be telling the truth. Onna-Happousai: I am NOT a woman! Hitomi: I wish I looked as feminine as you. [Ranma laughs while Onna-Happousai froths] Kirin: Take the boat with my blessing on your quest. I must go rally my forces. And hurry. Hitomi: [to Shinnosuke] Why did we come on this trip? Shinnosuke: We're on a trip? [Hitomi screams so loudly the castle shakes] *************** Furinkan Summer #10 "The Temple of the Angry Buddha. Round 1, Fight!" By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. *************** [We see Desire playing with several plushies of the cast members, sprinkling some kind of fluid onto each one] Desire: This should push them over the edge. And if not, then I'll have to step things up. A little anger for this one, and lust for this one, and loosening the mouth of another... *************** [Back in Vegas, Ryouga and Nabiki are helping his parents pack to go meet her father in Japan. This is not helped by her having to make sure none of the three ever leave her sight. This is starting to try her patience, as they can't even be sent to the bathroom without a rope or the guide cat or dog.] Nabiki: I don't think they'll let you take the Karaoke machine as a carryon, Mr. Hibiki. Ken: But...Life without Karaoke isn't worth living! Nabiki: We have one, anyway. Ryoko: I'll just go grab the CDs. [starts to head for the living room. Nabiki grabs her] Nabiki: Take Runt with you. [puts the huge dog's leash in her hands] Ryoko: [frowns] I'm only going 20 feet away. Nabiki: I've gone from Tokyo to eastern Kansas in 60 seconds with Ryouga because I didn't look where we were going. You could end up on Mars. Ken: No Hibiki has ever ended up on Mars. **************** [We see a man who bears a strong resemblence to Ken, but dressed in jungle fatigues, tracking across a grey, dusty desert under a starry sky.] Ryu Hibiki: [Ken's brother] Hmm. This doesn't LOOK like I'm getting any closer to Saigon. Maybe this walking tour was a bad idea. [He sees an odd multi-legged gold and grey platform off in the distance. There is a flag flying near it. He runs towards it, then blinks at the US flag.] Ryu: First that weird ruined palace, then a US flag in the middle of Vietnam. [looks at his map] And I can't find this desert on here. Hrmph. I probably got conned by my travel agent and he sent me to the Mojave or something. That's in the US, right? [looks up at the sky] And the Moon looks funny, too. [The camera view pulls back and we can see the Earth hanging in the sky over where Ryu is standing.] Ryu: [snaps a shot of the platform and flag] I can use this as proof to complain to my travel agent. Right? [pauses] I really need to stop talking to myself all the time. ************** [The living room of the Saotome household. Soun and Genma are playing Shogi. Grandma and Grandpa Saotome are watching Speed Racer: Trixie's Revenge on the TV.] Nodoka: [comes out of the kitchen] Will everyone be here for dinner? Grandma: Of course. Nodoka: Best go clean up, dear. My parents are coming to dinner. Grandpa: [freezes up for a moment, then says] Your...parents...are... coming? Nodoka: They thought they'd come stay with us for a week. Soun: It's been quite a while. I look forward to seeing them. Grandma: It's a pity that my husband and I have to go hide at the bottom of the Paris sewer in a few hours. I was looking forward to seeing your parents again. Really. Grandpa: [springs to his feet, and hefts Genma over one shoulder] Come, Son. We've got to go dig a really deep hole and not come out for a few centuries. Nodoka: [grabs Genma] I'm keeping my husband. Grandpa: Didn't they swear to eat the heart of every Saotome if they ever saw any of us again? Genma: Run, Dad, RUN! Nodoka: They won't eat my husband's heart. Especially if they sate themselves on your hearts first. [Grandpa and Grandma run out the door. We hear frenzied packing, and then a car driving away.] Soun: I didn't realize they had a car. Nodoka: [sighs] Well, it was costing too much to fix, anyway. Genma: [cries] I'm going to die. Nodoka: They won't eat your heart. Genma: They said if I didn't shape up, they'd shave my head! Nodoka: You're bald, dear. Genma: [pauses] They'll shave my feet. Soun: Why would you care? Genma: They'll use a chainsaw. Nodoka: My parents are not monsters! Genma: If they just wanted to eat my flesh, I'd be a lot happier. Nodoka: [waves her arms, sounds rather aggravated] They don't want to eat your flesh! Genma: Ahah! I've figured out what to do! Soun: What? Genma: Get me a bucket. Nodoka: No bucket! No running away! Genma: Mark my words, you'll be begging me for directions to the Drowned Panda pool by the time this is done. ************* [We see the flying boat cruising over a desert. Everyone is lounging around bored.] Hitomi: Are we there yet? Shinnosuke: Yes. Hitomi: [blinks] We are? Shinnosuke: Wherever you go, there you are. Hitomi: [only barely restrains herself from killing Shinnosuke] Okay, Happousai, tell us about this Temple of the Angry Buddha. Onna-Happousai: Once upon a time, there was a Buddhist Priest. Ukyou: This isn't the story where he ends up sleeping with the farmer's daughter, is it? Onna-Happousai: No. Ukyou: Or the one where he is tricked into marrying a cow? Onna-Happousai: No. Ukyou: Or the one where he tied up the cat every day during prayers and.... Onna-Happousai: Would you like to tell this story? Akane: It's not very exciting so far. Onna-Happousai: [twitches] I haven't been able to start it because none of you know how to shut up. Shinnosuke: How to shut what up? Onna-Happousai: Once upon a time there was a desperate master of martial arts who was highly tempted to kick a bunch of people off a boat flying 2000 feet in the air over a desert that instantly kills anyone who lands on it. [pauses] Would you like to see how this story ends, or shall I go back to my first one? Hitomi: The desert kills people? Onna-Happousai: The boat seems to have chosen the approach to the temple that crosses the Deadly Desert, which instantly kills anyone touching it. Akane: You're making this up. Onna-Happousai: [advances on Akane] Would you like to participate in a demonstration of whether or not I'm lying? Akane: [big eyes] Umm...no. Onna-Happousai: Once upon a time, there was a Buddhist priest. [pauses and looks around. Silence.] His name was Ohwa Tagu, which means 'Keeper of Wisdom' in the ancient Akkadian tongue, and 'Self-Righteous Twit' in Ancient Unabridged Davidian. However, he was of the obscure culture known as the Tchu- Tchus, who had branched away from the Tcho-Tchos when they abandoned cannibalism and took up running convenience stores. They're one of the few cultures to invent the hotdog before the wheel. [Everyone looks VERY dubious] Anyway, so in their tongue, his name meant 'District Manager'. However, he had become a priest against his parent's wishes, managing a temple of the obscure sect of Golden Ohm Way Buddhism. He sold trinkets, blessing strips, and love charms, performed exorcisms, and convinced people to set up subsidiary temples in return for 'official' trinkets, strips, and charms provided by him. He had become quite wealthy by middle age, and had largely retired, spending two hours a day blessing strips in bulk, and occassionally performing special blessings and the monthly worship ceremonies. Then one day... ************ [We see Ohwa Tagu, a fat, balding man in an ochre robe, kneeling before a statue of the Fat and Happy with a Bump On His Head Buddha] Ohwa Tagu: Ohm....Ohmm....Dulang Dulang....Dulang Dulang...Ohm... Ohmm...Unskinny Bop...Bop...Bop...Potato Pancake. [gets up] I need to come up with some less boring mantras. I nearly fell asleep. [There is a resounding pop, and the Angry Buddha appears. He looks like a typical Happy Buddha...played by Arnold Schwarzenegger circa the mid-eighties...with a heavy scowl on his face and a seven foot long prayer rod...with stone ribbons hanging from it.] Angry Buddha: Ahem. Ohwa Tagu: [turns around] What are you doing here? The uninitiated are not allowed into this sacred chamber. Unless of course you've made the proper offerings to the Golden Ohm Buddha. Even then, you have to repeat the lesser mantras twelve times first. Angry Buddha: I am the Buddha of Anger. Ohwa Tagu: [laughs] And I'm the Buddha of Illusion. There is no such thing. Besides, Anger is NOT a Buddhist virtue. Angry Buddha: You have exploited the kindness of the Buddhas and the trust of the people to steal their wealth in the name of Enlightenment. I've come to teach you the error of your ways. Ohwa Tagu: Why are you mad that I teach people to worship you? Sure, I'm not living in poverty, but... Angry Buddha: We don't want to be worshipped! I didn't fast for thirty years because I wanted people to think I was a god, or that I could somehow give them my enlightenment! And I stuck around and taught people so they could learn how to achieve enlightenment and gain the release of Nirvana themselves! Ohwa Tagu: So you're saying that you're mad because I don't kick people in the head and tell them to do all the work themselves? Like you did? That you don't want me to share the blessings I've earned with others? Angry Buddha: [yells] No! That's not what I'm saying! Ohwa Tagu: Then you want me to continue with what I'm doing. Angry Buddha: No! Ohwa Tagu: But I told you what I was doing, and you said it was okay. Angry Buddha: I'm afraid I'm going to have to show you a new path to enlightenment. Ohwa Tagu: What's it called? Angry Buddha: Peace through superior firepower. [proceeds to pound Ohwa into the ground with the stone prayer rod] ************ [Back on the boat] Onna-Happousai: Ohwa retired the next day, and his disciples divided on the issue of what to do next. One branch continues to follow the Ohwa school of Golden Ohm Way Buddhism. A second branch decided to take up yak herding. A third group moved to Japan and founded the obscure sect, Yen Buddhism. But the youngest of his disciples, or regional managers as he called them, went off into the wilderness and built the temple of the Angry Buddha, founding an order of monks who would fight against evil. Ranma: [yawns] Tell us another story. I could use a good nap. Onna-Happousai: [looks around and sees everyone but Hitomi is snoozing or almost asleep] Idiots. Hitomi: So you expect these monks to beat up the demons? Why do we even have to worry about the demons since we got away from the castle? Onna-Happousai: I was present at the summoning. They can't return to Hell until I've been dealt with. Hitomi: So why should we care if they drag you off? Onna-Happousai: Fighting demons is the task of honorable martial artists. Hitomi: So why should I care if they drag you off? Onna-Happousai: Because I'll cling to your legs if you don't help, so they'll drag you off too. Hitomi: You don't look very tough. [ten seconds later, Onna- Happousai has her hog-tied and hanging from one of the masts] Maybe I need to have my eyes checked. ************** [We see Shinnosuke, Ukyou, and Hitomi lying on their backs on the deck, looking up at the starry sky] Hitomi: Where's Ranma and Akane? [Shinnosuke and Ukyou wince in unison] Ukyou: Busy. Hitomi: I've got some cards, but all the games I like need four people. Shinnosuke: We could invite Happousai to play. Hitomi: [shakes her head] I think she'd cheat. And I think the demons are really after her. She may even plan to give us to them. Ukyou: I think she's serious. She hasn't tried to grope anyone at all. Hitomi: Whatever. Anyway, where'd they go? Ukyou: This boat has some bedrooms. They're using one of them. [winces] Hitomi: I can't believe they've gone to bed this early. The only good thing about this trip is staying up as late as I want. Ukyou: [laughs faintly] I doubt they're sleeping. Hitomi: [starts to get up] I'll go see if... Shinnosuke: [grabs her hand] Not a good idea. Hitomi: Why? Shinnosuke: You're too young to know. Ukyou: [nods] Trust us. They won't want to be disturbed. [winces again] Hitomi: Are you in pain? You keep making these faces. [imitates Ukyou wincing] Ukyou: Not any physical pain. Hitomi: [sighs] Whatever. So what are they doing? Why can't I know? Shinnosuke: You're only twelve. Hitomi: [irritated] I'm surprised you can even remember my age. Shinnosuke: Better than you can remember any manners, I think. Hitomi: [gets up] Forget it! Everyone on this boat is NUTS but me! [stomps off] Shinnosuke: [gets up] Hitomi! I didn't mean to... [she ignores him and heads off to the front of the boat. He sighs] Maybe we should have told her. Ukyou: If she couldn't guess, better to let her keep her innocence. [sighs] I wish I had mine. Sometimes I wish I'd never heard of love or thought about sex, or anything. Shinnosuke: Did you and Ranma ever... Ukyou: [gets big eyes] NO! [blushes] I've kissed him a few times, and he kissed me once, but... [sighs] I'm a virgin. Shinnosuke: I think I'm a virgin too. Ukyou: ... Shinnosuke: Given my memory, I might have forgotten something. I'd like to hope I'd remember, but I can't even remember if I ever told Akane I loved her. [pauses] I think I did. But then, I once watched a TV show and remembered the events as something that happened to me. I don't watch TV anymore if I can help it. Ukyou: Have you even ever been kissed? Shinnosuke: [shakes his head] I don't think so. [pauses] Not counting relatives. Aunt Meiko usually kisses me when she comes to visit. She'll kiss anything that moves, though. Ukyou: [laughs] Probably related to Happousai. Shinnosuke: Happousai does sort of look like her. Ukyou: [laughs again] I hope she doesn't act like him. Shinnosuke: You hope who doesn't act like him? Ukyou: [blinks] Your aunt Meiko. Shinnosuke: You've met my aunt? Ukyou: [thinking] This is surreal. Shinnosuke: So what's kissing like, anyway? Ukyou: [blinks] You forgot you told me about your aunt Meiko, but you remember I told you I'd kissed Ranma? Shinnosuke: You've kissed Ranma? Didn't Akane get mad? Ukyou: She doesn't know. Shinnosuke: Before they got married? Ukyou: They're not married yet. Shinnosuke: [eyes widen] They're...but they're not married? Ukyou: [thinking] Geez, I feel old and corrupt now. [speaking] I was engaged to Ranma for a long time. Shinnosuke: Well, you don't have to be engaged to someone to kiss them. Was he a good kisser? Ukyou: [nods firmly] It was a great kiss. He'll never kiss me again, but at least I know what it would have been like. Shinnosuke: I never got to kiss Akane. [sighs] I did get to eat her cooking, which was almost as good, though. Ukyou: [laughs, thinking] I pray for Ranchan's sake that she kisses better than she cooks. Shinnosuke: I'm surprised he didn't marry you. Or did he think you didn't kiss well enough? Ukyou: [eyes widen] What? Shinnosuke: [thoughtfully] Maybe he decided to marry the better kisser. Ukyou: I did NOT scare him off with how I kiss. Shinnosuke: Are you sure? Ukyou: I didn't! Shinnosuke: I mean...You're very pretty and very nice, and you fight well, and you're very patient...at least compared to Hitomi. Of course, everyone is patient compared to Hitomi. Anyway, I can't understand why he didn't want to marry you. Ukyou: [sags and sighs] Maybe he likes being beat up. Shinnosuke: Akane would never beat someone. Ukyou: [twitches] Maybe eating Akane's cooking too much destroys men's brains so they fall in love with her. Kunou's brain was destroyed before he met her, so he fell for her first... Shinnosuke: [angrily] Akane's cooking is WONDERFUL! [stands up] I won't stand for this! Ukyou: You're standing now. Shinnosuke: [sits down] I won't stand for this! Ukyou: [laughs] Stand for what? Shinnosuke: [blinks] Should I stand up? Ukyou: [laughs more] So you've never kissed a girl? Ever? Shinnosuke: Is that what we're talking about? [shakes his head] Weren't we having a fight? Ukyou: I think I got your point. Shinnosuke: Good. Yeah, I've never kissed a girl. Ukyou: [sidles a little closer to him] But you wonder what it's like? Shinnosuke: Yeah. I mean, I've dreamed about kissing Akane, but it's not the same thing. Right? Ukyou: Real kisses are much better. [looks intently at Shinnosuke] You wanna find out what it's like? Shinnosuke: [dreamily] Yeah. Ukyou: [suddenly lunges over and kisses him on the lips, wrapping her arms around him. His eyes widen to about twenty times normal size for a second, then he returns to normal and leans into the kiss. After twenty or so seconds, Ukyou sits back, her face a mask of shock] Eep. That was... [thinking] Eeg. I'm trembling. Just like when I kissed Ranma. Is this gonna happen every time I kiss someone? Shinnosuke: [wide eyed] Wow. That was...wow. [looks nervously at Ukyou] Umm...uh...thank you. Ukyou: [thinking] I can't believe I did that. He'll probably forget it ever happened twenty minutes from now. Why am I so scared? I feel like I did something wrong. [speaking] You're welcome. You can tell the next girl you kiss that I taught you. [laughs] If you remember this happened. Shinnosuke: [shaking slightly] I think even I can't forget this. Ukyou: Just try to make sure you don't tell them I was your mom. Shinnosuke: [big eyes] You're my mother? Is this like Back to the Future? Ukyou: [thinking] It's times like this that I understand why people take oaths of silence. *************** [We see Nodoka answering the door at the Saotome house. Genma and Soun are playing Shogi. An old man and an old woman stand in the doorway. They look to be in their sixties or maybe seventies, with grey hair in severe hair styles, and very nice clothing. The woman bears a strong resemblance to Nodoka, while the man bears some resemblence to Soun, especially his moustache and eyes.] Nodoka: Mother! Father! [hugs them] Genma: I think I hear my mother calling. [stands to run] Soun: [stands up] Tanuki-san! So good to see you! [walks over and shakes hands with Grandpa Tanuki] Grandpa Tanuki: It is good to see you again, Tendo-san. How are your wife and children? Soun: My children are fine. I'm afraid my wife has been dead for ten years. Grandpa Tanuki: And she's not gotten better in all this time? Soun: ... Grandma Tanuki: This isn't a good time for jokes, dear. Grandpa Tanuki: [rubs his ears] Wait, did you say she was dead? Soun: Yes. Grandpa Tanuki: Oh, I thought you said she had been in bed for ten years. Sorry. Grandma Tanuki: [tries to mime the phrase 'hard of hearing' without Grandpa Tanuki seeing] We're very sorry for you. Grandpa Tanuki: [looks around] Amazing. Saotome-san isn't hiding behind the furniture. Genma: [straining to escape Nodoka's iron grip] Why would I hide behind the furniture? Grandpa Tanuki: Well, I thought you had wimped out and weren't going to commit suicide after all. Can we finish that before dinner? That way we can't lose our meal if it gets gruesome. Genma: [turns to Nodoka] WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I WAS GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE? Grandpa Tanuki: Well, if you'd rather have privacy for it, we can come back later. I assumed it was just going to be the centerpiece of the night's festivities. Nodoka: I did NOT tell you that Genma was going to commit suicide! Grandma Tanuki: [pats his shoulder] I merely said that he would do that if we were lucky, dear. Genma: ... *************** [Breakfast time on the flying ship. Hitomi sits next to Shinnosuke, who is next to Ukyou, who is next to Ranma, who is next to Akane, who is not pleased to sit by Onna-Happousai. However, Onna-Happousai seems a model of decorum. Cranky decorum, but decorum none the less.] Ranma: How much longer until we get there? Onna-Happousai: We'll only have to 'feast' on pickled vegetables one more time, I think. Shinnosuke: I'm sure Akane could cook us something nice if you don't like this, Ranma. Akane: [smiles] Thanks, Shinnosuke. Ranma: She did cook this. Ukyou: [boggles] What? I thought you made this. Akane: There's nothing but pickled vegetables on this boat. Kirin's the same way about pickled vegetables that Happousai is about underwear. Ranma: Yeah, he started dying if he ate anything else, just the way Happousai starts dying if he can't touch women or their underwear. [pauses] Hey, Happy, why aren't you dying? Onna-Happousai: [frowns] Take a wild guess. Akane: Being female meets your need for contact with women? Ranma: [thoughtfully] So if we turned Kirin into a pickled vegetable... Ukyou: I don't think that's a good idea, Ranma. Onna-Happousai: It's my geasa. Virtually every path of martial arts or any other road to power contains some kind of limitations on our power, or induces some kind of compulsion, or has some other kind of 'cost'. Those who are unwilling to pay a cost for power either never achieve it, or have to do it the hard way. Ukyou: The hard way? Onna-Happousai: Spending decades and decades slowly training or practicing. So you become a master around the same time you drop dead. People like Ranma and I don't have that kind of patience. Ranma: HEY! Ukyou: Ranchan is NOT like you. Onna-Happousai: We both strive to excel. Excel at different things, but both of us wanted to be the best martial artist we could. So each of us paid the cost that has to be paid to achieve greatness faster than is normally possible. The price of power. I had my cravings and my desires, and he had his curse and the chaos of his life. Ranma: I don't want a crazy life! Onna-Happousai: [turns to Ranma, very seriously] Would you be willing to give up your martial arts to find peace? Ranma: I ain't giving up my martial arts! I've spent eleven years on it! I've earned my skills! Onna-Happousai: By having an insane life. Ranma: I never said I wanted all this craziness! Onna-Happousai: You never lifted a finger to stop it. Ranma: [angrily] I looked for a cure! Onna-Happousai: Boy, when I finish this quest, I intend to go straight to Jyusenkyo and get back to normal. I'd rather lust after underwear than be a woman. And I'll succeed. So would you, if you'd ever REALLY tried. But deep down, you know I'm right. If you do fix the insanity of your life through cheap and easy tricks, you'll lose all the unearned skills and power you've gained. Ranma: Hey, I picked Akane as my one and only fiancee! And I didn't get any weaker! Akane: Yeah! What, are you saying he has to be miserable forever to be a good martial artist? Onna-Happousai: There's many ways to pay the price of your power, boy, but you took the easy way out because you're lazy, just like your father. [shakes his head] I respect Akane because she's earned every ounce of power she has. Same for Ukyou. She paid for her skills in misery. But you...you haven't suffered. Ranma: I turned into a girl when I got wet! Onna-Happousai: Compared to what you've put everyone around you through, that's NOTHING. Better than turning into a duck or a...cat. Ranma: [twitches] Hey, I suffered then! Onna-Happousai: You earned the cat fist. Exactly. Haven't you ever wondered why you could master moves in hours or days which take most people a lifetime? Ranma: I'm damn good, that's why! Onna-Happousai: Some people earn their power by doing good. All you've done with your skills is squabble with Ryouga, your fiancees, their would-be lovers, Cologne, myself, and your Dad. Your curse, and the chaos you cause just by being around is the price you've paid for power, Ranma, and if you try to stop paying it without finding another way to pay for your power, you're going to lose it. Ranma: What, are you saying I can't be happy and be a good martial artist? Onna-Happousai: Do you know any happy martial artists? [Ranma looks away] All I'm saying is that power has its price. I thought you understood that deep down, and that you accepted the mess your life was, and that was why you sabotaged your every effort to escape the chaos. I suppose your father simply neglected to teach you this. Haven't you ever wondered why Jyusenkyo is a training ground? Ranma: I just assumed they were all as stupid as Pop. Onna-Happousai: Assuming makes an ass of you and me. Akane: Not very hard in your case. Onna-Happousai: Dammit, people! I am SERIOUS! Martial Arts isn't just a way to beat people up! For a serious Martial Artist, the Art is Life, and Life is the Art. Jyusenkyo was made to serve two purposes. It provides power, and it provides a cost for that power. It teaches each person a lesson they have to learn. Once they learn that lesson, then the price is complete, and they can be free of their curse and keep the power. Otherwise, the power leaves them when the curse leaves. Such is the nature of geasa. Ranma: [uncomfortably] What kinda lesson? Onna-Happousai: Never let Herb talk you into doing the Hokey Pokey. Shinnosuke: [blinks] What? Onna-Happousai: Never mind that. You can't run away from your burdens, Ranma. If you take the quick and easy solution, there will always be a price, and often it may be more than you're willing to pay. Now, that doesn't mean you can't EVER solve your problems, but it means that you have to pay your karmic debts the right way, and not the wrong way. Ranma: [more nervously] Such as... Onna-Happousai: Such as curing your Jyusenkyo curse with magic instead of learning what it is meant to teach you. Ranma: So I suppose the fact that we used the Musk Dynasty bucket to lock me in this form would be a bad thing? Onna-Happousai: [eyes widen] You WHAT? Ranma: Did they use drowned hard of hearing girl water on you? Onna-Happousai: Well, you can kiss your strength and speed goodbye. [sighs] We're toast. Ranma: Hey, I'm not locked in that WIMPY form anymore! Onna-Happousai: Oh, you'll still be tougher than most people, but you won't be superhuman anymore, because you're not enchanted anymore. Ranma: What? Onna-Happousai: You have noticed that not everyone can leap dozens of feet in the air and toss things around that weigh several tons, right? Ranma: Hey, that's just me using my chi! Onna-Happousai: Fine. Have it your way. When you die horribly, I'll send you flowers. Assuming we don't all end up in Hell, being forced to film a live version of 'La Blue Girl'. Akane: But Ukyou and I can do that too, and we're not enchanted. Onna-Happousai: Can you jump as far, or hit as hard? Akane: No. Onna-Happousai: Can you fire energy blasts or create tornadoes? Akane: No. Onna-Happousai: Has Ranma crushed both of you with ease the few times he's actually fought you? Akane: No! I gave him a good fight! [Onna-Happousai glares at her] I've hit him lots of times! He couldn't defend himself against me! Sure, he's won some fights with me, but... Ukyou: [quietly] Ranchan could kill everyone on this boat but Happousai all at the same time if he felt like it. Hitomi: Urk. [waves her broom] He'd better not try! Ranma: Hey, I ain't gonna kill no girls! [pauses] Or you, Shinnosuke. Ukyou: You really think Ranchan couldn't kick you to the moon if he actually WANTED to, Akane? Akane: [frowns] So you have to get cursed to be a good martial artist? What about Cologne? Onna-Happousai: Do you want to end up looking like a troll, trying to force someone who doesn't love one of your great- grandchildren to marry her? Akane: [shudders] No. Onna-Happousai: Don't think she eluded paying a price. Not every great martial artist is cursed. But we all pay for it, one way or another, whether it be payment in decades of practice, or one of the quicker but more dangerous and costly roads like Ranma and Ukyou and I followed. Ukyou: [starts] What? Onna-Happousai: Obsession is a price too. You were a raving madwoman when you arrived here. Ukyou: [leaps to her feet and draws her spatula] I WAS NOT! Ranma: Ucchan is NOT insane! Shinnosuke: Yeah! Hitomi: Depends on if you think responding to words with violence is a sign of insanity. [Akane and Ukyou both look embarrassed. Ukyou almost visibly shrinks] Ukyou: I...I had a right to be mad! Onna-Happousai: Most people don't spend ten years hunting down their first boyfriend to kill him. Ukyou: Our family was dishonored! Our yatai was stolen! Everyone made fun of us! Onna-Happousai: If I hunted down everyone who ever made fun of me, you'd all be dead. Ukyou: We never stole YOUR family's sole means of livelihood! Onna-Happousai: So naturally, you instantly forgave him when he said you were cute. Did you ever consider he might have been lying to get you to trust him to set you up for a worse fall? Ukyou: ... Ranma: [stands up] HEY! I was being honest! I didn't want to fight Ucchan! She's my best friend! Onna-Happousai: If you hunted someone for ten years to avenge the loss of everything you owned and the betrayal of your trust, would you then turn around and forgive them everything when they said you were cute, Ranma? Ranma: I ain't got nothing worth stealing. Ukyou: It wasn't his fault! That was why I forgave him! Onna-Happousai: Have you made any progress in your arts since you forgave Ranma? Ukyou: I've gotten better. Onna-Happousai: As much better as Ranma has in the same time? Ukyou: [quietly] No. Onna-Happousai: Exactly. No more paying of a price, no more easy gains. Unlike Ranma, you're having to EARN what you get through practice, instead of some other way. Ranma: [frowns] I think you just want me to have my curse back so you can grope me. Onna-Happousai: Have I groped anyone since this trip started? Ranma: No. Onna-Happousai: Don't I usually try to grope Ukyou and Akane just like you, normally? Hitomi: EWWW!!!!! Ranma: But it sounds like you're saying I shouldn't ever try to solve any of my problems! Onna-Happousai: I'm saying you can't solve them like your father does! Cheating, running away, and trying to find the easy way out! Ranma: That's what you always do! Onna-Happousai: You wanna be like me? [Ranma falls silent.] Ukyou: Two points for Happousai. Onna-Happousai: Perhaps whatever skill and power you have retained will be enough to hold your weight in the tests we must pass to enter the Temple of the Angry Buddha. But I doubt it. Ranma: [leaps to his feet] I'm good enough to kick YOUR butt! Onna-Happousai: I doubt it. Ranma: Come and get me! Onna-Happousai: Come and get me! Ranma: [frowns] You chicken? Onna-Happousai: Even though you know I'm a man, you won't strike the first blow. Or maybe you're afraid I'm right. You need an excuse in case you fail. Ranma: [angrily] I'm not gonna fail! Onna-Happousai: [shrugs] I'm not going to attack you. I'm not Ryouga who you can badger into attacking you, then act self- righteous about it when he strikes the first blow. Ranma: I do NOT do that! Akane: Actually, I have to agree with Happousai on that one. You get in all those stupid fights with him, and they can't all be his fault. Not to mention you do harrass him and... Ranma: Why are you on HIS side? Akane: I'm not on his side, I just...What if he's right, Ranma? It makes sense. Ranma: It doesn't! Come and get me, Happy! Onna-Happousai: [shakes her head] No. Ranma: [shaking with rage] Dammit, I want to show you that I haven't lost anything! Onna-Happousai: Then why are you holding back? I think you're afraid I'm right. Ranma: [screams and charges forward] I am NOT AFRAID! Onna-Happousai: [stands calmly as Ranma rains down blows on her] Try harder. [turns to Shinnosuke] Hmm. I'm not too familiar with your style with the brooms. Who invented it? Shinnosuke: One of my ancestors was a street-sweeper in Nara during that period. He invented it to deal with the city's thieves. Hitomi: You can remember that, but I bet you don't remember where you slept last night. Shinnosuke: Of course I remember. I slept with Ukyou last night. Akane: [boggles] WHAT? You two...together? Shinnosuke: Yeah. She kissed me and then we slept together. Ukyou: Not like you and Ranma slept together, Akane! We just both slept near each other on the deck! Hitomi: There's different ways to sleep? Or do you mean they slept face down and you were face up? Onna-Happousai: [continues to ignore Ranma's all out assault] Probably Ranma was face up and Akane was face down, but... [turns so Ranma is pummeling her back] Can you try working my shoulders, Ranma? I need a massage. Akane: You just...slept on the deck. But you did kiss him? Ranma: Take me seriously! Onna-Happousai: You don't really want that. Ukyou: Um...well...[starts twiddling her fingers together] Shinnosuke: It was a great kiss. Ukyou didn't say if it was better than when Ranma kissed her, though. Akane: [turns red] Ranma KISSED HER? Shinnosuke: Not last night. It was a while ago. Before this trip. Akane: [turns to Ranma] RANMA! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? Ranma: DAMMIT, HAPPOUSAI! FIGHT ME! [Onna-Happousai lashes out casually, flooring Ranma] Onna-Happousai: [turns back to Shinnosuke] So this is a sub school of Street Sweeper Fu? Shinnosuke: We've added various forest combat techniques since we became guardians of the Ryugenzawa forest. Ranma: [starts to get up, then Akane is in his face] Get out of my way, Akane! Akane: WHEN DID YOU KISS UKYOU? Ranma: [blinks] What? Akane: [grabs his collar] Is it true? Ranma: Is what true? Akane: Don't go playing like you're Shinnosuke! Shinnosuke: Hey! Akane: [gets up on her tiptoes to look Ranma in the eye] Did you kiss Ukyou and when? [thinking] Calm down. Just a kiss. Why do I feel so hyper about this? Ukyou: He didn't kiss me. I kissed him. When he was trying to decide who to marry. Akane: Is that what happened? Or is there another occassion? Ranma: I...uh...she...we...studying...um... Akane: And is that ALL you did? Ranma: Hey, I don't complain about you smooching P-chan! Akane: He's just my pet pig! If he was a human, they you could complain! Ranma: And what if he is? Akane: He's a PIG! Ranma: And sometimes, Mousse is a duck! Akane: [blinks] He...No way! Why would anyone in their right mind want to be someone's PET? Ranma: Seen P-chan lately? Akane: What did you do to P-chan? Ranma: He fell in love with someone else. That's why he did it! [pauses] He was your pet because he loved you and he couldn't bring himself to stop because he was desperate! Then he fell for someone else! Akane: [angrily] Why didn't you ever tell me this before? Ranma: Because it was my fault he got cursed! I knocked him into Jyusenkyo on my way out of the area after Dad knocked me in! And I didn't realize when I made the promise he'd try to be your pet! Akane: But who is it? Ranma: Dammit, Akane, I made a promise! Akane: [waves her fists] You made promises to ME too! What's more important? Ranma: Dammit, if I tell you, it's gonna make a HUGE mess! He ain't never gonna do it again, so it doesn't matter anymore. Akane: Dammit back to you! He betrayed my trust! I deserve to know! I TOOK THAT PIG TO BED WITH ME! Shinnosuke: You slept with...a pig? Hitomi: UGH. [to Ukyou] Is that the different kind of sleep you were talking about? They had a pig with them? Akane: [screams at them] NOT LIKE THAT, YOU PERVERTS!!!! Hitomi: [reels from the wave of air and sound] I just want to understand what's going on! Ukyou: You'd better tell her, Ranma. Akane: What, you knew too? Ukyou: I only found out recently, and then he stopped after that l...after he found someone else. I didn't want to cause trouble. Akane: [trembles] Damn you all. Ranma. This is your last chance. TELL ME. Ranma: [quietly] Ryouga. Akane: [wide eyes] No! You're lying! Ryouga would never do that! Ranma: He's loved you almost as long as he knew you. Akane: [crosses her arms in front of herself, haunted look] No, not Ryouga. He couldn't have been P-chan. He wouldn't. Ranma: He is. [sighs] I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I made a promise. I don't want to be like Pop, breaking my promises every time they're inconvenient! Akane: I thought I meant something to you! Ranma: You do! You're very important to me! Akane: If you're telling the truth, you let Ryouga sneak into my bed, night after night, without telling me! Ranma: Dammit! I did my best to KEEP HIM OUT of your bed! Why do you think I was always trying to mangle your pet? Akane: Because you were jealous! Ranma: DAMN RIGHT! He was being a bastard, and it PISSED ME OFF! But I didn't want to break my promise and be just like him! Akane: Why the hell haven't you told Nabiki about this? She's dating him now! Ranma: SHE KNOWS! Akane: [pales] What? Ranma: Don't you remember her blackmailing him just before they 'fell in love'? Do you even remember that the reason they're in love is they both got splashed with a love potion? Akane: ... Ranma: Do you pay ANY attention to what's going on around you? Why the hell didn't you ever figure out that Ryouga was goddamn P-chan on your own? Akane: My sister...didn't tell me. WHO ELSE KNOWS? [thinking] She betrayed me! I can't believe it! AAAAA!!!!! Ukyou: Cologne. Shampoo. Mousse, I think. Onna-Happousai: Me. Shinnosuke: Who's this Ryouga person? Hitomi: I didn't know. Ranma: I think Pop might know. You now. Akane: Now. NOW! [rears back to sock Ranma into orbit, then begins to cry] Damn you, Ranma. Damn you, Ryouga. Damn you, Nabiki. Damn you, Ukyou. I hate you! I hate all of you! Shinnosuke: [stunned] You hate me? Akane: DAMN YOU ALL! DON'T YOU EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN, RANMA! [runs off crying] Shinnosuke: [faintly] She...she... Hitomi: [puts an arm around him] She was just yelling because she was mad at Ranma. [hugs Shinnosuke] She'll be fine when she calms down. You didn't do anything to her. Shinnosuke: I...I've never seen her so mad before. Ukyou: You'll get used to it. Usually isn't this bad. You really screwed this one up, Ranchan. Ranma: [turns and snaps at her] This all got started because you told Swiss-Cheese For Brains Boy about me kissing you! Ukyou: I didn't think he'd remember! Or that he'd tell Akane! And I didn't exactly MAKE you tell her about P-chan! Ranma: I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't been so aggravated about how you... Ukyou: DAMMIT! I didn't make you make things worse! You did that with your own BIG MOUTH! Onna-Happousai: This needed to come out before their marriage anyway! Ukyou: Take your reformed Kung-Fu master self and go give a lesson to a grasshopper! [punts her across the ship with her spatula] Ranma: [stares] You...how did you do that? I couldn't hurt him? Ukyou: BECAUSE HE WAS RIGHT! You keep trying to weasel out of things the easy way and it gets you in trouble! If you'd told Akane all this stuff earlier, she wouldn't be exploding now! Ranma: I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO KISS ME! Ukyou: [in Ranma's face] I DIDN'T MAKE YOU NOT TELL HER! Yeah, I was an idiot! Only an idiot would want to kiss an idiot like you, anyway! Ranma: [growls] I am NOT an idiot! Ukyou: You're just like your father! Ranma: [screams] I AM NOT LIKE YOUR FATHER! [pauses] My father. Ukyou: See? You're an idiot! Ranma: I don't have to take this! [stalks off to the far end of the ship] Ukyou: RANMA NO BAKA! [stomps off to the other end] Shinnosuke: [to Happousai] Does this happen often? Onna-Happousai: Usually, they beat the hell out of each other next and destroy the house. I suppose the fact that this would cause us all to fall to our deaths convinced them to not do this. [sighs] I'm not meant to be the wise one. Shinnosuke: Should we talk to them? Onna-Happousai: They won't trust me. [sighs] You saw where talking got us before. Hitomi: I'll go beat some sense into Ranma. You go handle Akane, Shin-chan. You know her better than me. [thinking] At least if he remembers any of his past experiences with her. Shinnosuke: What about Ukyou? Hitomi: We can push her off the boat to her death? Shinnosuke: Hitomi! Hitomi: Happousai, you go calm her down. Onna-Happousai: I'll try. Hitomi: Do not try. Do, or do not. [laughs] I always wanted to say that. ********** [We see Akane lying in a bed, crying, in a small, cramped room. There is a knock on the door.] Akane: [screams] GO TO HELL! Shinnosuke: [through the door] I thought we were trying to avoid that. Akane: Oh, it's you, Shinnosuke. Please...just leave me alone. Shinnosuke: Are you sure? Akane: Yes! [pauses] No. I don't know. Shinnosuke: [sticks his head in the door] Can I come in? Akane: You'll probably forget if I tell you no, anyway. Come on in. [lies on the bed, her face in the pillow] Why are men such idiots? Shinnosuke: I'm not an idiot! Akane: I didn't mean you, Shinnosuke. Shinnosuke: But I'm a man! Akane: [sighs] Why are some men so stupid? Shinnosuke: Who are we talking about? Akane: Ranma. Ryouga. My sister. Shinnosuke: [boggles] Your sister is a man? Akane: Okay, why are some PEOPLE so stupid? Shinnosuke: Yeah, PEOPLE is a pretty stupid magazine. Oh, you mean, some people. Akane: ... Shinnosuke: Everyone is stupid. Different people just find different ways to be stupid and different things to be stupid about. My stupidity is that I can't remember anything, so I do the same dumb things over and over, like walking into my own traps. [sighs] Ranma's just trying to not be like his dad. Akane: But you don't lie to people you love! If you love them, you're honest with them about everything! Shinnosuke: Haven't you ever told someone they looked good when they really looked awful to make them feel good? That's lying. Akane: That's not on the same scale! It's the difference between stubbing your toe and sticking your leg in a meat grinder! I deserved to know what Ryouga was doing! Shinnosuke: What was Ryouga doing? Akane: [screams] YOU IDIOT! GET OUT OF HERE! [chases Shinnosuke out of the room, then goes back to crying] ********** [We see Ranma skulking at the prow of the ship. Hitomi approaches him.] Ranma: Go away. Hitomi: Stop pouting like a five year old. Ranma: Dammit, all I did was keep a promise! Hitomi: It was a stupid promise! Ranma: [turns around] Kid, you have NO right to judge me! You haven't gone through the kind of living hell that I have! Hitomi: That's because I'm not a moron who screws up all the time like you! You bring all your trouble on yourself because you run away from any problem you can't simply bash in the head until it surrenders! [waves her broom around] You're a muscle-bound macho fool! Ranma: Look, Little Miss Temper, I keep my promises. Whatever the cost. I may wiggle around, and bend them a little if I have to, or if I was forced into them, but I don't break them. I don't wanna be like Pop, whose promises aren't worth anything! Hitomi: Sometimes you can only keep one trust by breaking another one! She deserved to know that Ryouga was sneaking into her bed! Ranma: He stopped doing it! Hitomi: That doesn't matter! If I stop burning down someone's house every day, it doesn't negate the fifty times I did it before! Ranma: [boggles] You burnt down someone's house fifty times? Hitomi: [screams] Akane's right! All men are IDIOTS! [runs off] Ranma: [frowns] Women are insane. ************** [Ukyou is at the far end of the boat. Happousai approaches.] Ukyou: Bugger off, Happy. I don't know why you're on the Wise Old Master kick today, but... Onna-Happousai: I find myself at peace against my will. If I return to what I was, I will bring myself torment, yet I do not wish to live as a woman. You can take advantage of what I know while it is still available, or you can all ignore me and we can die horribly at the temple of the Angry Buddha. Ukyou: [snorts] Or we can leave you to die. This is your quest. I don't know what the hell I'm doing on it. Onna-Happousai: Ranma is here, and you won't let him go into danger without you. You can't let go of him. Ukyou: [turns around] One more word of psychoanalysis, and I'll shove spatulas up your nostrils. Onna-Happousai: So much power you all have, and yet less maturity than I usually have. [shakes his head] I hate being able to think clearly. You realize how doomed you are. [sighs] Whatever. Say your prayers. At this rate, we'll be lucky if any of us live to see another sunrise. Ukyou: Why are we going there if it's so suicidal? Onna-Happousai: The tests that must be passed to enter are very rigorous, and the physical ones are child's play compared to the rest. But they can stop the demons. Ukyou: Are you sure? Onna-Happousai: If you have a better suggestion? Ukyou: Umm...no. Onna-Happousai: If not, if we die in the tests...better than if the demons get us. Ukyou: Better we not die at all. Onna-Happousai: Nothing is certain but Death and Texas. Ukyou: Taxes. Onna-Happousai: That too. **************** [We see Herb floating in a bizarre void full of swirling lights and distant floating platforms with no means of support. Far in the distance, we can see Steve Ditko directing the construction of more of the background. Nearby, hordes of faceless minions caper about a tall man dressed badly in purple with a flaming head.] Herb: I take it you bought Escher's soul and had him redesign Hell for you? Or maybe Dali? Being: I am the Dread Dormammu, but you already know that, Happousai. Herb: Have you had your vision checked lately? I am Herb, Emperor of the Musk Dynasty. Dormammu: I won't be fooled by your tricks this time! As set forth in your contract, I'm going to use you to plug a hole in the barrier that holds back the Mindless Ones. Herb: Your relatives? Dormammu: I own your soul. Do not taunt me. Herb: I'm not Happousai, and you DON'T own my soul. Return me to Earth IMMEDIATELY. Dormammu: [waves to his minions] Take him to the leak. Herb: I won't stand for this! [minions drag him away] Dormammu: And this time, remember to spackle around the edges! *********** [We see Onna-Happousai, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi sitting quietly together at the edge of the boat.] Shinnosuke: Do you think they'll go in with us? Onna-Happousai: [sighs] When we get there, I'm going to send you two back with the boat. This isn't your quest. You don't owe me anything. You didn't deserve to be dragged into this. Hitomi: You got that right. Shinnosuke: If Akane's going, I'm going. I want to help her. Hitomi: Shinnosuke, she loves Ranma, not you. Shinnosuke: She's my friend, even if she'll never be my wife. I won't abandon her. And that's that. Hitomi: Shinnosuke, if you get killed, Grandpa's gonna kick my butt to the moon! Shinnosuke: I'm a grownup. I make my own choices. Tell him I tied you up. Hitomi: [frowns] If you go, I have to go. Someone has to remember things for you. Shinnosuke: You don't have to go. I know you don't like anyone on this trip. Hitomi: [sighs] It doesn't matter. You think I have any clue where we are or how to get home by myself? I can't turn back now. Onna-Happousai: [looking out across the desert at a huge mountain whose top is shrouded in clouds] We're about to arrive. ************ [Our heroes and heroines are halfway up the mountain, outside the three gates that lead into a huge temple, somewhat in need of repair, set into the mountain. Only the angry head of a giant Buddha statue can be seen over the temple walls, and a single spire topped with an onion dome.] Ranma: You sure we really need to do this? Onna-Happousai: [turns and points off across the desert. Five black clouds of tiny black dots are approaching] They're coming. Ukyou: There's only five groups. Onna-Happousai: Let's not remind them there should be six, okay? [turns to the temple] We split into three pairs. One man and one woman in each pair. Hitomi: I count four women and two men here. Onna-Happousai: I'm really a guy. Hitomi: Are you sure? [Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou all laugh briefly.] Ukyou: Happousai's really a guy. Trust me. Onna-Happousai: Okay. Shinnosuke goes with Akane. Myself with Hitomi. Ukyou with Ranma. Hitomi: I wanna be with Shinnosuke. I have to take care of him. Akane: Hey! Why isn't Ranma with me? Onna-Happousai: So you won't have an all-out battle instead of getting inside. Would you rather have me than Shinnosuke? Akane: [takes Shinnosuke's hand] Come on, Shinnosuke. ******************** [We see Onna-Happousai and Hitomi walking down a narrow stone hallway, about seven foot wide and seven foot high. There is no light except for a torch every sixty feet.] Hitomi: I should be with Shinnosuke. Onna-Happousai: I should be in Hawaii with native women fanning me with fronds and fighting to feed me cocoanut milk. We can't always get what we want. Hitomi: You're gay? Onna-Happousai: [jumps up and down] I AM A MAN! Hitomi: You don't look like it. Onna-Happousai: Trust me. [looks at the dirty walls] Scuff here, will ya? Hitomi: What? Onna-Happousai: Brush off the dirt here. [points] Hitomi: Why? Onna-Happousai: Trust me. [She brushes the wall off anyway, and they keep walking. Soon, they come to a clean spot on the wall that looks suspiciously like the one she swept.] Hitomi: Hey! Onna-Happousai: Just as I thought. This hallway is a circle. Hitomi: But it's a STRAIGHT LINE! Onna-Happousai: Welcome to the world of magic. We can't see far enough to tell its a circle, but it is one. The torches are just far enough apart to hide that, and since we can't see where we're going, or where we've been, we can't tell we're repeating the same path over and over. Hitomi: So how do we get out of here? Onna-Happousai: Poke the ceiling. Hitomi: [waves her broom around, which goes right through the ceiling] Hey! Onna-Happousai: I'll boost you through the ceiling. Tell me what you see. [picks Hitomi up and lifts her. From our viewpoint, she is halfway through the ceiling] Hitomi: Well, there's these poles leading to this big axle and....EEP! [something pulls her out of sight] Onna-Happousai: Just great. [tries climbing the walls, but there are no handholds, and the wall actually extends higher than the illusionary ceiling, so she can't pull herself up] Time for plan B. If I had one. ************* [We see Ranma and Ukyou. They are covered in dirt and soot and cobwebs. They have been wandering through a web shrouded maze for what seems like hours.] Ranma: I'm so hungry, I could eat Akane's cooking. Ukyou: I'm so hungry, I could marry Kunou if he offered me a single pickled vegetable. Ranma: [laughs] You win. Ukyou: Isn't there some rule for mazes? Always go left? Ranma: We have always been going left. Maybe no one told the maze maker about the rules. [sighs] This is boring. [Five trapdoors in the walls open and five huge wolf spiders pop up. Each is the size of a small pony.] Ukyou: If you ever say you're bored again, I'm going to KILL you. *********** [We see Shinnosuke and Akane going down a gently sloping natural tunnel. A trickle of water runs down it on one side. Glowing lichens light the cavern dimly.] Akane: Except for sheer boredom, this really isn't so tough. Maybe we stumbled out of the testing zone. Shinnosuke: There's a testing zone? Akane: We're not just going spelunking. Shinnosuke: We're not? Akane: How can you live like that? Shinnosuke: Like what? Akane: [shakes her head] Just watch out for... [they round a bend, and a giant three headed dog sits in front of a pair of bronze gates. It looks up at them and snarls] Something like that. Shinnosuke: So THIS is where that dog went. I was thinking maybe I'd forgotten it dying. Akane: [blinks] You know this...ummm... Shinnosuke: Well, it didn't use to have three heads, but I recognize Sparky. Come here, Sparky! [makes come hither gestures to the dog, which stops snarling and bounds forward, knocking down Shinnosuke and licking him] Akane: ... Shinnosuke: Good boy, Sparky! [wrestles with Sparky for a while, then stands up and pets all three heads] How'd you get down here? Come and pet him, Akane. Akane: [nervously pets the three heads] Good doggie. [Sparky bowls her over, licking her and wagging his three tails happily. Soon, Akane is laughing] What a nice dog! Shinnosuke: Yeah, Sparky was the greatest. I dunno where he got these extra heads. [pauses] Maybe I just forgot them. ************ [Hitomi finds herself in a shop full of odd knick-knacks. She feels confused, and doesn't recognize the place. A man is sitting nearby on a chair. He is a bit burly, and has neatly combed brown hair and a bushy moustache. He wears a suit.] Man: Hmm. So what will I actually do with you? [shakes his head] The purchases that man can talk me into... Hitomi: What's going on here? Man: A guardian spirit was supposed to eat you, but he doesn't like the taste of children, so he sold you to me. Hitomi: You can't OWN me! Man: Anything can be owned, bought, and sold. I should know. I've dealt in just about anything under the sun. [shrugs] I prefer not to traffic in slaves, however. Do me a simple service, and I'll let you go. Hitomi: [lofts her broom] I know how to use this! Man: I suppose you do. You're free to go, then. [steps back and points to the door] Be my guest. [Hitomi runs to the door and opens it. It opens into a black void. She drops a yen into it, and doesn't ever hear it hit bottom. She slams the door.] Hitomi: Where am I? Man: What are you willing to pay to find out? Every bit of information has its price. Hitomi: [waves the broom] Don't make me beat it out of you. Man: Go right ahead. [She rushes him, then an anvil falls on her. She passes out, and the man lifts the anvil and tosses it aside] Man: How that thing can knock people out without killing them...best not to ask questions I can't answer, I suppose. [sits back down] The meter is running, child. Best you wake soon while you can still afford it. ************ [We see Ranma and Ukyou running for their lives.] Ukyou: Use the Moko Takabisha on them! Ranma: I...I... [thinking] I tried. Nothing happened. Why didn't it work? [speaking] It doesn't work on spiders. Ukyou: [looks dubious] Well, my spatulas sure don't work on this thing, and they laughed off your punches. At least they're not too quick. And they can't shoot webbing and run at the same time. Ranma: Trapdoor spiders don't snare things in webbing. They just ambush and eat prey by popping up by surprise. Ukyou: Then where did all the rest of the webs around here come from? [They round a bend and slam into a huge web across the corridor, made by a one foot across spider which is working on it as they slam into it. Soon, they are both entangled in the web.] Ranma: I guess they put their relatives in charge of that.. ************* [We see Akane and Shinnosuke standing on the banks of an underground river. It rushes by at high speed.] Akane: I guess we have to turn back. Shinnosuke: Yeah, swimming across this would be hard. [pauses] Especially since the other side is just a wall. We could just follow the current, but coming back would be hard. Akane: There has to be some way across. The monks wouldn't dig a tunnel all this way for nothing. And someone must be feeding Sparky. Shinnosuke: [peers down the river] Hey, I see a boat coming! Akane: Cool. [The boat is being poled by a man in a robe. The robe hides all but his pale, soft white hands] Shinnosuke: Can you take us down the river? Or wherever we need to go? Boatman: All who would ride must pay with two coins. Akane: [digs out two hundred yen coins] Like this? Boatman: Yes. [looks at them] Hmm. You're not dead. Shinnosuke: Neither are you. Boatman: ... Shinnosuke: [hands the man two ten yen coins] This is all I have. Hitomi carries the money. I may have some money I forgot though. Boatman: Did someone get confused and baptize you in the...never mind. Let's get going. I have to pick up some demodands at five. [They hop in the boat, and he begins to pole them downstream. Oddly, despite the current, the boat doesn't move unless he poles it along.] Akane: What river is this? Boatman: The last one you'll ever see. [pauses] Oh wait, the Lethe runs through...never mind. Forget I said that. Shinnosuke: So where are we going? Boatman: Are you two lost? Shinnosuke: We're trying to get into the temple of the Angry Buddha. Boatman: Good thing you mentioned that. I don't suppose you'd settle for Hades instead? Akane: ... Shinnosuke: No, we need to go to the Temple of the Angry Buddha. Boatman: Blast it, I'm gonna be late for that appointment. Oh well, demodands usually try to stiff me anyway. [starts poling upstream] Akane: What's a demodand? Boatman: It's like the difference between a Trekkie and a Trekker. Shinnosuke: I forgot something, right? I mean...that would have made sense to a normal person, right? I just forgot something important to understanding what you said. Akane: No, I didn't understand either. Boatman: Think Yuppie Demon. Akane: Bleah. Do I have to? ************ [We see Ranma and Ukyou trussed up in some webs while a bunch of one foot long spiders and the huge wolf spiders are having a discussion.] Wolf Spider #1: No, no, you use white wine with humans, red with cats. Large Spider #1: I still think we need to marinate them. Wolf Spider #2: What is it with you and marinating things? And if you start talking about Chinete paper plates, I'm going to eat you. Large Spider #1: Hey, man, Chinete doesn't let the blood leak out on the ground. That's the best part of humans, usually. Besides, I got T'Z'l'L'c'chk to make the marinade in advance THIS time. T'Z'l'L'c'chk: [another large spider] I was supposed to use jalapenos, right? Wolf Spider #3: Look, only rattlesnakes are so uncouth as to use jalapenos in HUMAN marinade. That's for ELVES. Ranma: [whispers to Ukyou] I think a hobbit shows up and saves us next. Ukyou: [whispers back] What are you talking about? Ranma: [whispers] Hmm. Maybe they'll turn to stone when the sun comes up. Ukyou: [whispers] We're underground. [struggles] I've still got my mini-spats, but I can't reach them. Ranma: [wiggles] Maybe I can reach them. [he tries, but his arm won't reach] Hmm. Maybe I can reach one with my mouth... Ukyou: ... Ranma: [wiggles around, and manages to snag one with his mouth, burying his face in Ukyou's cleavage in the process] Ukyou: [thinking] And now Akane walks in and KILLS us. Wolf Spider #3: Hmm. I think our dinner is trying to mate. Large Spider #3: Let's watch. I'm curious as to how it works with humans. Wolf Spider #2: If she eats him afterwards, I'm gonna get pissed. He looks yummy. Ranma: [tries to choke down laughter, nearly drops the spatula in his mouth, then nearly swallows it.] Hgrmehs. Ukyou: [thinking] Great. Just what I need. Ranma drooling on my spatula. Wolf Spider #1: Ahh, she carries her eggs on the outside. He fertilizes them in his mouth, then probably passes it into her mouth and she carries it inside for a while, then lays it somewhere safe. Large Spider #1: Weirdly shaped eggs, though. Ranma: [mumbles incoherently at Ukyou, who stares uncomprehendingly at him. Finally, he points at her hand with his left foot. She extends it as much as she can, which isn't much. He spits the spatula into her hand] Bleah. Ukyou: Did you really have to drool on it? Ranma: Just get on with it! Wolf Spider #2: Hmm. Looks like the mating failed. Unless maybe she then bears the young in those pouches on her chest. Large Spider #3: Ahh, some humans must be marsupials, then. I guess she's Australian. Large Spider #2: Hmm, now she's rubbing it against the webbing...ahh, I bet she can't figure out how to get it back to the right place with her arms pinned to her side. Wolf Spider #1: Hmm, looks like she cut the webbing off with her egg. I'm glad my species doesn't lay eggs that sharp. I'd be dead. Large Spider #2: You're male. You don't lay eggs. Wolf Spider #1: I guess this is where she eats him. Wolf Spider #2: We'd better stop her! There won't be enough for all of us if she eats him first! Large Spider #3: Naah, I GOTTA see this. [Ukyou slices Ranma loose, then unleashes a barrage of mini- spatulas, sending the large spiders running] Wolf Spider #1: Maybe she's embarrassed to eat her mate in public. Wolf Spider #2: Maybe she's escaping, you idiot! [charges Ukyou] [All five Wolf Spiders charge, but Ranma and Ukyou spring to the attack. In a few seconds, two spiders go down and the rest run for their lives. Ranma is rubbing his hands.] Ranma: Those things felt like they were made out of rock. Ukyou: [pokes an unconscious one] They don't feel so tough to me. Ranma: [frowns] Let's get going. Ukyou: Well, now I'm even MORE lost. [A door opens with a sign over it saying, 'THIS WAY'] Ranma: It's probably a trap. Ukyou: Got a better idea? Ranma: Travelling through time and convincing myself to stay home. Ukyou: Right. Let's go. *********** [Hitomi wakes up, sitting at a table. The man from earlier is talking to a tall man with strange hair, wearing cheesy John Lennon glasses, overdressed in an outfit that screams, 'I am Evil'] Man: If I knew the secret of the Radiant Hawk Wings, I wouldn't be running this shop. 'EVIL' Man: Good point. [looks at Hitomi] Does she know? Man: Would she be carrying a broom? 'EVIL' Man: Right. Well, while I'm here, can I get these glasses tinted? Man: Sure. [takes the glasses] Come back tomorrow. ['EVIL' Man leaves] Hitomi: Secret of the Radiant Hawk Wings? Man: I don't suppose you DO know the secret? Hitomi: What would it be worth to you if I did? Man: [boggles for just the tiniest of seconds] What do you want for it? Hitomi: Passage to the center of the Temple of the Angry Buddha. We have to stop this army of demons that are after us because of Happousai. Man: [laughs] I told him those contracts with invisible text were dangerous...he never was one to listen. Seriously, though, I have a contract with them. I can't just let people in; I help keep people out if they can't pass the tests. Hitomi: [sighs] Not even for the secret of the Radiant Hawk Wings? [pauses] Do you have a name? Man: You can call me Barter. And how can I be sure that you know the secret? Hitomi: I know where the Radiant Hawk lives. [thinking] I never thought Grandpa's rantings would come in useful. Barter: And that is? Hitomi: What do I get if I tell you? Barter: I like you. Tell me the Secret of the Radiant Hawk Wings, and I will take you wherever you want to go, except to the heart of the Temple of the Angry Buddha, because that would violate my contract. Hitomi: Take me safely to Shinnosuke and...I want something to help his memory. He's under a curse. Barter: There's no cure. That I possess. Hitomi: Got any magic brooms? Barter: Yes. Hitomi: Give me a magical fighting broom and take me to Shinnosuke, and I'll teach you the secret of the Radiant Hawk. Barter: [goes and plucks out a broom with norse runes on it] Frigga used to use this to beat up Odin when he got out of line. Hitomi: [takes it] Okay, take me to Shinnosuke, and I'll tell you. Barter: [hands her a rock] Swear on this that you won't cheat me. Hitomi: I won't cheat you. Barter: [reaches for the rock, but Hitomi pockets it] Hey! Hitomi: You gave it to me. Barter: [frowns] I did not. Hitomi: You didn't say to give it back. Anyway, I'll throw in the secret of Nidhogg as well. Barter: Well? Hitomi: [holds out the rock] Swear you won't cheat me, and that you'll give me back the rock. Barter: You're good. [he swears] Now tell me. Hitomi: The Radiant Hawk perches in the branches of the Alder Bole, the great tree Yggsdrasil that is the spine of the universe. The great serpent Nidhogg gnaws eternally at its roots and wars with the Radiant Hawk. Everytime the serpent attacks a root, the Radiant Hawk shields it with one of his feathers, a great barrier of light, which nothing can pierce. Whenever the tree is threatened, it calls upon the Radiant Hawk to defend it. Supposedly, it is the greatest power in the universe. Frankly, I think Grandpa was drunk off his ass and making things up. He also claimed the same night that our grandmother was Freya, and that his old martial arts teacher was actually a prince from another planet. [laughs] Supposedly his sensei got drunk one night and started teaching Grandpa all the 'deep secrets' of the universe, so one night when Grandpa was drunk he decided it was time to pass them all on to me and Shinnosuke and Taiki and Genko. Too bad Genko was only three, Taiki was smashed, and Shinnosuke has a brain like a sieve. Barter: [thoughtfully] So how would one call on the power? Hitomi: Hang from the Alder Bole until it teaches you its secrets like Odin, I suppose. Barter: And where is it? Hitomi: Dammed if I know. Everywhere. Nowhere. Zimbabwe. I haven't got a clue. That good enough for you? Barter: If you had not sworn on the stone, I would suspect this was a trap, but...enough. I shall take you to your brother. Hitomi: Cousin. Barter: Right. ********** [We see the Boatman drop Akane and Shinnosuke off on a dock. Hitomi is sitting and dangling her feet in the river, splashing about.] Hitomi: Howdy. Akane: What happened to Happousai? Hitomi: I got captured by a spirit, who sold me to a weirdo, and I had to buy myself out of slavery. Shinnosuke: This isn't like the time you claimed you got abducted by aliens, is it? Hitomi: [waves her broom around] I was! If I had been a cow, I would have been mutilated, but instead they just put my clothing on backwards and brainwashed me to forget, then sent me home without any supper. Akane: ... Shinnosuke: And they ate all the cookies, too? Hitomi: [whacks Shinnosuke in the head with the broom. He goes flying off the pier.] I am NOT LY...Shin-chan! Akane: Shinnosuke! Shinnosuke: [bobs to the surface.] This tastes nasty. [swims to shore] Luckily, I didn't forget to swim after the first ten times Grandpa taught me. Akane: [helps him out] Are you okay? Shinnosuke: I'm fine. [shakes himself off, dousing Akane, who jumps back...right off the pier] Akane! Hitomi: Don't worry, unlike you, there's no danger she'd forget how to swim. Akane: But I don't know HOW to swim! [flails and goes under] Hitomi: ... [Shinnosuke dives in and rescues her, pulling her out, then holding her tightly as she coughs and recovers] Shinnosuke: Are you okay? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Akane: [coughs] I'm fine. I should have been more careful. Shinnosuke: I should have been more careful. I didn't want to drown you. I'm sorry. [sighs] Akane: But then you dived in and saved me. I forgive you. [sighs] I wish I knew how to swim. Shinnosuke: I wish I could remember anything else. Besides... [falls quiet] Akane: Besides what? Shinnosuke: Besides the fact that I...I...I love you. I never had the courage to tell you before. Akane: [thinking] I wonder how many times he's going to tell me this. [speaking] I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. I love someone else. [pauses] I think. Shinnosuke: Well, I know I love you. [sighs] I bet you'd love me if I didn't forget everything. Akane: Shinnosuke, it has nothing to do with your memory. I...I lo...I already had feelings for him when I met you. Shinnosuke: Then why do you two fight so much? Like on the boat. You said you hate him. Akane: [sighs] I'm pretty mad at him, but I don't really hate him. Shinnosuke: Then you...don't really hate me either? Akane: [flash of memory] I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. I was just mad because you...I was just mad. I do like you, Shinnosuke. Hitomi: Look, enough snuggling, okay? We gotta find the Angry Buddha and kill him or whatever before I die of hunger. [Akane and Shinnosuke both blush and spring away from each other. Which sends them both off the pier.] Hitomi: You two haven't quite mastered this thinking thing. ************* [We see Ranma and Ukyou in a hall of mirrors, all bent into various convex, concave, and just plain funky shapes] Ranma: [looks at one mirror that makes him look sixteen feet tall and stretched out like sphagetti] I bet Pop would like this one. Ukyou: [looks in another one. It shows her, but she is wearing a dress, has a rose in her hair, and is smiling broadly] Huh? How can you do THIS with a mirror? Ranma: [comes over and looks. He sees himself dressed in a t- shirt and jeans, with a pencil behind one ear. His reflection walks over and kisses the Ukyou reflection, then turns and smiles at him] ... Ukyou: What the... [thinking] I WISH. Ranma: [thinking] Akane would punch me to the moon if she saw this. [speaking] This one must be magic. [He and Ukyou look at each other and their reflections kiss again, more intimately] Ukyou: [looks longingly, then turns away] Let's go this way. Ranma: [speeds ahead of her] Righto. [They wander for a while, lots of weird reflections catching his eye. Finally, one of them draws Ranma's attention. It looks like Ranma-chan, but in a blue frilly dress, with her hair done up elaborately like in the second movie. She is wearing several rings and a nice necklace. Ranma stares in shock] Ukyou: Damn, you look good. Ranma: [waves his arms] I don't wanna look like that! That's NOT me! [We see the reflection casually blast someone out of sight with a Moko Takabisha, then goes back to trimming her nails] Ranma: ... Ukyou: [stares at the mirror] What are these weird images for? [she doesn't reflect] And why don't I reflect? Ranma: [looking at another mirror] Hey, I don't reflect in this one. Ukyou: [comes over and looks. She sees herself, dressed in her usual okonomiyaki sellers' outfit. She is snuggled up to a blonde bishonen guy in plaid white and green slacks and a long white buttoned shirt. He is somewhat androgynous] Hmm. This me has pretty good taste in men. Ranma: [frowns] Who is that guy? Ukyou: [thinks] I dunno. I don't recognize him. [The two in the reflection start to get VERY intimate, and Ukyou and Ranma blush and turn away VERY quickly] Ranma: Now I'm afraid to look at more of them. What are these things? [They head down the hallway further, and find one mirror with a oval hole in the middle of it. It doesn't reflect at all. There is more glass beyond the hole, but it doesn't reflect anything since the silvered back faces through the hole.] Ranma: [frowns] That...something about that... Ukyou: It's the same size as the naniban. Ranma: ... Ukyou: Are these all some kind of giant sized nanibans? Ranma: Hey, yeah, I bet that's it! It must be picking up subconscious thoughts and stuff. [pauses] Or something. [Everything seems to go grey, and Ranma freezes in place] Voice: [andrognyous] You're right, Ukyou. They are special nanibans. Each of them opens into a different timeline. The one with the hole is the one that shows your timeline. Touch the one you want, and you and Ranma will be drawn into that one. Ukyou: So if I wanted a world where Ranma and I were smurfs, I could find the right mirror, touch it, and we'd be smurfs? In a universe where we always had been? Voice: Yes. I don't think being a smurf is what you really want, though. Ukyou: [looks over at Ranma] There's one where we... Voice: Thousands. And thousands where he hates you, or he never met you, or he met you, but you were a cow. With just a little effort you could find one. In fact, you already did. Ukyou: But we'd still be us...I mean, it wouldn't help. Voice: That's if you cry over it. If you just touch it and will yourself to enter, it is as if you always were there. Ukyou: [looks at Ranma again, then longingly back down towards where the one where she and Ranma were happy together was] It can't be that easy. Voice: Getting here was easy? Ukyou: Good point. [starts to look at mirrors, then stops] No. I can't do it. Voice: It's what you want, isn't it? Ukyou: [faintly] Yes. Voice: Then do it. Ukyou: I want to, but... [looks longingly at Ranma again] Voice: Don't you deserve a little happiness? Ukyou: We have to stop the demons. Voice: You'll be safe. So will he. And doesn't Happousai deserve to be eaten by demons, anyway? And he's not here to drag you down with him. Ukyou: [sudden realization] This is a test. I've got to resist the temptation...yes, that's it. Hah! I win! You can't MAKE me do it! [One of the reflections catches her eyes. It is herself, dressed as she is now, standing in the hall of mirrors with Ranma. They are holding hands and smiling at each other.] Voice: Not every one of these means abandoning your quest. Why this one...is just like this one, except Ranma loves you. Ukyou: [gulps and stares longingly. She takes a step towards it, then stops] No. Voice: It's what you most desire. Ukyou: [angrily] You're trying to trick me. Voice: I have not lied once. I'll swear any oath you wish. May the Buddha be my witness. Ukyou: No thanks, Mara. Voice: [if a voice could start, it would] What? How... Ukyou: This may not be a ..umm..whatever kind of tree it was, and I'm not meditating, but I remember how Mara came and tempted Buddha with his desires. This is a temple of Buddha, after all. Voice: As you like. Perhaps your friend will be more amenable. I remember how much he wants a cure for his curse. Ukyou: You're a bit late for that. Voice: I know a few other things he wants too. Or fears. [The Voice fades and the world returns to normal. Ukyou sees Ranma reaching for a mirror] Ukyou: RANCHAN!!!! *********** [We see Ranma. He sees the world go kind of greyish and Ukyou freezes in place.] Ranma: Ucchan? [shakes her, but nothing happens] Great. Magic. I can't do anything about that. Maybe I can find something...like what? [As he looks around, in one mirror, he sees Shinnosuke pulling Akane out of an underground river onto a dock. She isn't breathing.] Ranma: AKANE! [Shinnosuke starts giving her mouth to mouth resucitation] Ranma: [gives a sigh of relief] I hope. I hope you know what you're doing. [She starts to breathe. Ranma gives a huge sigh of relief. Then she kisses him and his eyes widen. So do Ranma's.] Ranma: ... [She and Shinnosuke start making out intensely, then start taking each other's clothing off. Ranma watches in disbelief] Ranma: No way. She wouldn't. [mouth wide open] [Soon, they are doing the horizontal tango. Ranma's disbelief turns into anger] Ranma: And you got mad because I kissed Ukyou! I never had sex with her just cause she saved me from DROWNING! Of course, it helps that I know how to swim! Voice: Touch the mirror and it will take you to that place. [He reaches out to touch the mirror, but Ukyou suddenly unfreezes and the lighting returns to normal] Ukyou: Ranchan! No! Ranma: [turns to Ukyou] Look! Look what they're doing! Ukyou: [sees it, blushes and turns away] It's a trap, Ranma. Mara is trying to trap us. [In the mirror, Shinnosuke speaks] Shinnosuke: Oh, Akane, you're even better than Ukyou. Ranma: [wide eyes] He had sex with you too? Ukyou: [shouts at the mirror] All we did was KISS, DAMMIT! I can't believe I... [raises a fist, then trails off] It's trying to trick us into touching a mirror. If you do it, you'll be sucked in. Forever, I bet. [Akane and Shinnosuke are moaning VERY loudly.] Ranma: [turns away] It looks so real. Ukyou: There has to be a way out. [They wander for what seems to be eternity, viewing a hundred million versions of themselves, an infinite range of possibilities, from burned out drug addict Ranmas and pregnant, homeless Ukyous to shiny happy Ranmas and Ukyous that are too painful for them to watch, because they fall so short of their other selves' perfection] Ranma: Maybe there is no way out. Voice: Only by picking a future you desire. Ukyou: No way. That's a trap. Voice: Any future is a trap. But it's a trap you've chosen for yourself. What more could you ask for? Ukyou: To be free! Voice: No one can escape desire, and it is desire which molds our choices, and our choices our future. Even Buddha could not escape me, for the desire to have no desires is itself a desire. He was most thoroughly trapped when he thought he was most free. Ranma: Don't try and trick us with words. Voice: You can't fight your way out of this. Whatever choice you make, you will be mine. For you must choose, in order to leave. Ukyou: Then we won't choose. [sits down] Voice: That is itself a choice. And if you stay here, you will starve. Ranma: [stomach grumbles] Ugh. [thinking] There has to be SOME way out of this. ************* [We see Akane, Hitomi, and Shinnosuke walking down a long hallway painted with pictures of various boddhisatvas.] Hitomi: So did you dump Ranma for Shin-chan or what? Akane: No! Hitomi: Then you apologized to him. Akane: I'm not the one who did anything wrong. Hitomi: Why were you two clinging to each other, anyway? Shinnosuke: It was an accident. Hitomi: Like the time we found you out behind Grandpa's house with the cookie jar, having just eaten three dozen cookies, and you claimed it was an accident? Shinnosuke: [irritated] That was you. Hitomi: Oh, NOW you can remember everything. [pouts] Akane: Did you train somewhere special to be a brat, Hitomi? Hitomi: Did you train somewhere special to have stupid fights with your boyfriend? Akane: Dammit, I am not being stupid this time! I deserved to know about P-chan! Hitomi: So cook him and eat him. Akane: [wrinkles her face] That's disgusting. Hitomi: Well, what ARE you gonna do? Akane: Scream a lot and hit people. Hitomi: Oh, THAT's constructive. Akane: Well, what would you do? Hitomi: Kill them all slowly. Make Ranma grovel until the sun goes out. Cook the pig-boy and serve him at my wedding. Shinnosuke: That's a joke, right? Hitomi: Yeah. He'd turn back into a guy if you tried to cook him. Shinnosuke: ... Akane: [thinking] I hope I never sound like that. [speaking] I'm going to make sure he doesn't marry Nabiki. I will NOT have someone like that as my brother-in-law. Shinnosuke: Even if he apologizes? Akane: [hrmphs] I doubt he's sorry. I don't think I'll ever really trust him even if he does apologize. [sighs] He was a good friend. I can't...I don't want to believe he really did that, but... Shinnosuke: Maybe Ranma made it up because he was mad. Akane: I wish. No, it all makes sense now. [sighs] I wish I didn't know. Shinnosuke: I guess forgetting everything does have its advantages. ************* [We see Ranma and Ukyou sitting in the hall of mirrors and talking] Ranma: Maybe if we break them all, we can get out. Voice: Break it and you destroy the universe it represents. Ukyou: I think you're lying. Voice: Do you want to take the chance I'm not? Ranma: Maybe we can break the ceiling or the floor. [They give it a shot. The floor opens into a misty, featureless void, and flames lap beyond the ceiling] Voice: No way out but touching a mirror. Ranma: Hmm. Maybe we should pray to Buddha. Ukyou: Didn't he beat the founder of this place in the head for praying to him? Ranma: [hopefully] Maybe he'll take us with him after he leaves after he beats us up. Ukyou: [sarcastically] Maybe if we wait long enough, we can braid your hair into a rope and use it to climb down into the pit. ************** [We see Akane, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi walking along through the apparently VERY long hallway we saw them in before.] Shinnosuke: We must be inside the mountain by now. Hitomi: Of course we are! You two took a ride down an underground river! Akane: There's something just wrong about this hallway. Maybe they ran out of good painting ideas, but haven't we seen these before? Hitomi: Ah, this is like the trap Happousai and I got stuck in. Don't try climbing the walls. Shinnosuke: Wouldn't the ceiling get in the way, anyway? Hitomi: [shakes her head] It was an illusion. [looks around] There's probably a secret door. Shinnosuke: [thinks a moment] Let's find an Angry Buddha painting. It's probably there. Akane: [blinks] Good idea. [They soon find one, and with some shoving, get the wall to rotate, letting them out. They find themselves in a dank tunnel dimly lit by glowing lichens. Shinnosuke and Hitomi start sweeping the floor.] Akane: ... Shinnosuke: Sorry, instinct. [With effort, they both stop, and the trio heads down the hallway, finally emerging into a large cavern whose floor plummets into a crevice. There is a short tunnel with a well lit staircase beyond the chasm.] Shinnosuke: Hey, I saw this in that movie...um...anyway, there was an invisible walkway. [strides towards the edge. Hitomi pulls him back] Hitomi: This isn't a movie! Akane: There has to be some way across it. Hitomi: Or this could be a dead-end trap. Or they expected us to be so holy we float. Akane: I'd better not have to float. In water, anyway. Shinnosuke: I could probably jump across this. Akane: Yeah, me too. Hitomi: I bet I could scream really loudly as I fell to my death. Shinnosuke: [picks up Hitomi] I can carry you. Hitomi: If you forget where you're going in mid-jump, I'm gonna kill you. [They run and leap across the chasm. Akane makes it. Shinnosuke falls about six inches short.] Akane: Shinnosuke! [Shinnosuke hurls Hitomi forward to Akane, who catches her, and they both watch in horror as he plummets out of sight.] Hitomi: [kneels at the edge] Shinnosuke! If you don't live, I'm going to KILL YOU!!!! Akane: [watching in horror as a single tear runs down her cheek] Shinnosuke. No. No. No. [Shinnosuke's fall is silent. If he ever hits the bottom, he makes no noise.] ************* [End Chapter 10]