[We see Ranma somewhat later, digging through the small pile of his stuff in the hotel room his family is at. He pulls out a gift wrapped package] Ranma: Cool. [unwraps it. It is a yellow and black book] Bleah. [He turns to the title page. Jyusenkyo for Idiots] ... [There is movement just outside the window] Ranma: [frowns and goes to the window, opening it. He sticks his head out] Hello? [No one answers, but we the viewers, can see something with a big fluffy tail vanish onto the balcony above the one outside Ranma's hotel room] Ranma: I must be imagining things. Well, let's see if this book is any good. [sits down to read] *************** Furinkan Summer #13 "History Repeats Itself. First as a Tragedy, then as a Farce." By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. *************** [We see a huge valley, which looks like Jyusenkyo, but with no pools. It is just a grassy valley. An army is camped on one side of it, and the sun is setting. A flag flies over the valley, showing a shining sun with a rune embossed on the sun] Lord Commander Dyil: [a tall handsome man who looks somewhat Chinese, except for his long red hair] We will make our stand here. Knight Commander Yu: [a short, skinny man who looks somewhat like the Jyusenkyo guide...if the guide lost half his body mass] It's too marshy. Our cavalry will sink into the muck if it goes much farther into the valley than this. Lord Commander Dyil: Just imagine what this will do to those huge...whatever they are. Knight Commander Yu: Tsathoggua's Spawn. Lord Commander Dyil: Exactly. We'll fight on foot. They'll cross the bog, and then they'll sink into the muck, and we'll slaughter them. [Night sets and the stars come out. Then the stars vanish from a part of the sky on the far end of the valley, forming a vaguely humanoid shape. Dozens, maybe hundreds of vaguely humanoid forms swarm down into the valley from the mountains, then begin to sink into the muck. They keep changing shape, but the muck seems to suck them down. They howl in agony, and the soldiers move forward with weapons that shine in the darkness and begin to chop them up] Lord Commander Dyil: I told you it would work! Knight Commander Yu: [sighs and points to the edge of the valley] Look. You can see the stars. Lord Commander Dyil: [sarcastically] Am I supposed to see the sun, instead? Knight Commander Yu: Something was blocking them before. [The valley shakes. The approaching creature can barely be seen in the darkness. It is huge, dozens, maybe hundreds of feet tall, with a furry body that somewhat resembles a huge toad-man, although it has human like feet. With every footstep, it punches a deep hole in the marsh which begins to fill up with water, forming a pool. The human army breaks up in fear before it, fleeing the valley. The creature pulls some of its minions out of the muck, but leaves the most helpless to die when the sun rises. The creature itself marches off east out of the valley] ************** [We see Ranma put down the book] Ranma: No way. [turns back to the book and sees the next words are 'Yes way'. He drops the book and jumps back] What kinda crazy book is this? [The book begins to glow] This is gonna be worse than when Pop tried to give me that 'Four Gods Earth and Sky' book for my fourteenth birthday. [The glow engulfs Ranma, who vanishes] *************** [We see Soun at the airport, pacing back and forth. As soon as Kasumi, Susan, Akemi, and Gosunkugi step off the plane, he rushes forward and hugs Kasumi so hard she nearly passes out] Kasumi: I love you too, Daddy. [urks] My ribs. Soun: My baby! You came back to me! Kasumi: I told you I'd come back. Soun: You didn't change your name to 'Elvis' and become a lounge singer, did you? Kasumi: [laughs] Nope. Soun: No Knife or Gun Fights? Susan: Does your father usually take LSD before going to the airport? Kasumi: I'm fine, Daddy. [pauses] I did hit a powerful kami in the head with a frying pan, and she may try to kill us all, though. Soun: But no knife fights? Kasumi: No, but I still have the bowie knife Mr. Saotome gave me. It's in my purse. [pauses] Oh, Daddy, this is my friend Susan. She's moving to Tokyo, so I'm going to show her around and help her out. Can she use our guest room for a few days? Soun: Sure, that's fine. We'll need to get a taxi home. [turns to Susan] I hope you brought a crash helmet. Susan: [big eyes] Are the taxies dangerous here? Soun: I'm talking about once you get to our house. Susan: ... Gosunkugi: Mr. Tendo, I need to find Ryouga and Ranma and Akane. Are they all still living at your house? Soun: Ranma is at a hotel room. What do you need them for? Gosunkugi: The Amazons have my parents, and I need their help. Soun: Once Kasumi negotiates another Versailles treaty for us, I think we can help you. Akemi: Wasn't that the treaty that pretty much guaranteed the outbreak of World War II? Soun: Well, we're up to about World War XIX in our house, so it won't be a problem. I'd be happy to go back to World War II in comparison. Akemi: ... ********** [We see Ukyou, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi eating breakfast. They have donuts and fruit and milk.] Ukyou: Making okonomiyaki would have been easier than buying these. Hitomi: If I smell ONE MORE okonomiyaki, I'm gonna go stark raving mad. Ukyou: Like we could tell the difference. [They glare at each other] Ukyou: [sighs] Okay, this is good. I guess I just... Hitomi: You're addicted to okonomiyaki. A flour and toppings junkie. Desperately shooting up on... Shinnosuke: Will you LAY OFF? Hitomi: [sinks in on herself] I wanna go home. Ukyou: Gosunkugi's mom said he's flying in today. [looks at her watch] Where is Ranma? [Phone rings] Ukyou: [on the phone] Hello? Nodoka: [on the other end] Have you seen Ranma? He seems to have vanished. Ukyou: ... [on the phone] No, he's probably at Akane's. Tell him he and his father were supposed to work here today. Nodoka: [on the phone] I will go look for him while Genma works, then. Ukyou: [on the phone] I'm sure he's fine. [thinking] I hope. ********** [We see Nabiki and Ryouga in the living room of the Tendo House, eating breakfast] Nabiki: Yeah, he sprayed me too. [shrugs] The Amazons are weird. Probably was supposed to make us love mashed potatoes or something. Ryouga: [looks around and sighs] My parents didn't enjoy their visit. Nabiki: It's not MY fault my sister decided to be an idiot. Ryouga: She's right. I was a beast. I want to apologize, but she won't listen. Nabiki: [frowns] Stuff her. If she won't accept your apology and all she does around here is destroy everything with her loser boyfriend, I could care less what she does. [Kasumi and Soun walk in the door with Susan] Kasumi: Hi, everyone! [runs over and hugs Nabiki] It's so good to see you! Nabiki: [smiles a little] It's good to see you too. Ryouga: Kasumi, you don't...hate me...do you? Kasumi: I understand your little secret came out. [frowns at Ryouga] I had hoped I was wrong about that. Ryouga: ... Nabiki: You knew? Kasumi: I suspected, but I didn't want to accuse without proof. [sighs] What is done is done. I know you won't do it again. [the tone of her voice is such as to insinuate Ryouga should fear for his continued existence if she is wrong] Ryouga: I swear. I want to apologize, but she won't listen. Kasumi: You'll certainly apologize. [turns to Susan] I'll show you to your room, then I'll go see about Akane. [turns to Ryouga and Nabiki] This is my friend Susan. She's moving to Tokyo, so she'll be our guest for a few days while I help her find somewhere to live. Susan: [flawless Japanese] Nice to meet you! Your sister is very nice to help me like this. Nabiki: I hope you can beat some sense into Akane. I couldn't. Kasumi: [turns on Nabiki and frowns] You didn't help matters, trying to throw your own sister out of the house. Nabiki: Hey, she was... Kasumi: Mad at Ryouga for things he was guilty of. [narrows her eyes] So you had a screaming match with her and acted even more childish than she is, threatening to cut off your own father. Nabiki: [frowns] She's a bum! Dammit, I've made sacrifices for this family! When has she ever... Kasumi: Which one of us was forcibly engaged to someone she'd just met because her father made a stupid promise ten years ago? [Soun visibly shrinks] Which one of us was used as a photo subject without asking repeatedly, and even after she asked you to stop? [advances on Nabiki] Which one of us has been kidnapped more times than I can count? Which one of us was attacked every day for two weeks by every male in her grade? Which one of us carried you through the snow on her back at age nine after you fell down and broke your leg? Which one of us used to chase off the bullies who harrassed you in the fourth grade? Nabiki: Okay, she's done a few things... Kasumi: If you had ever ASKED her to help, she would have been willing to! But since you never tell any of us what you're up to, she never had any way of knowing! And your boyfriend has trashed this house as often as hers has! Nabiki: [stares at the floor] She told me my love was just a lie, just a magic spell. Dammit, this is the only love I've had in my life! Kasumi: [sighs and hugs her] I know, Nabiki. At least your boyfriend doesn't go insane around you. [turns to the stairs] I'll go talk to Akane. [leaves with Susan] Nabiki: Whose side is she on? Soun: Mine! [dances around happily] Ryouga: I don't think she's interested in sides. ************** [Kasumi knocks on Akane's door] Akane: [shouts] Burn in hell! Kasumi: What a way to welcome your sister. Akane: [acks and runs over, letting Kasumi in and hugging her] I'm sorry, I thought it was Ryouga again. He just won't go away! Kasumi: [hugs Akane] He just wants your forgiveness. Akane: What he did is unforgivable! Kasumi: We can all be fools for love, Akane, and do things we know we shouldn't. Akane: [face still pressed to Kasumi's shoulder] Dammit, I trusted him! I thought he was a nice guy! That he was my friend! And now he's turned my sister against me! Kasumi: [strokes Akane's hair] She loves him. If Ranma was in trouble with Nabiki, you'd be on his side. Akane: She only loves him because he used a potion on her! Kasumi: I was there. It was an accident. He never meant it for her. Akane: Then he meant to use it on me! The bastard! [lets go of Kasumi and beats on the wall] Kasumi: That sort of thing is why Nabiki banished the Saotomes, Akane-chan. [sighs] It was just another accident, the sort of hapless lunacy we get all the time, like when Daddy had the head of a fly for a week. Akane: [shudders] Don't remind me. Stupid movie. But their love is still fake. Kasumi: Love potions don't last this long. It might have started with magic, but I think it's real now. Akane: How would you know how long love potions last? It's gotta be magic. Kasumi: I found this old cookbook of Mom's in high school and I... [shudders] I used it. Akane: ... Kasumi: Remember Gurio Matsumoto? Akane: The cute guy with the scar across his face? Kasumi: [sits down] I had the hugest crush on him, but he didn't notice me at all. So I got really desperate and then... Akane: You used a love potion on him? But I never saw you together. Kasumi: The first one only lasted a day. But there was a better recipie, for this stuff called Passion Pancakes, you see. Akane: ... Kasumi: [stares at the ground] I got on the cooking staff for the ninth grade graduation breakfast. In fact, I'd helped make sure there would be one, just so I could try this. I was just...obsessed. Akane: I just can't believe you would... Kasumi: I just wanted him so badly...I can't even understand why now. He was just cute and funny and nice and whenever he smiled at me, it made me feel like I was alive. [pauses] More alive. So I made the special pancakes, and brought them to him. But I put too much pepper in them, and he sneezed. Then he fell out of his chair, and the first thing he saw was Naoko Moteuchi. Akane: ... Kasumi: They started making out right there. Then three days later, he dumped her. [shakes her head] Those magic love things...they just can't go the distance. They can't make something that shouldn't exist last for long. Akane: But Ryouga and Nabiki have been dating for months! Kasumi: Exactly. Akane: It still doesn't excuse what he did. Kasumi: Haven't you ever done anything foolish for love, Akane? Akane: [stares at the ground] Not over and over like that. Kasumi: What he did was wrong, but he did stop without anyone forcing him. And he tried to go away, to stop doing it before. Akane: [sighs] I don't want to feud with Nabiki, but I'm still...It's going to be a VERY long time before I can ever trust Ryouga again. Kasumi: It's a start. Peace isn't built in a day. Now, will you help me figure out what I need to buy to keep us all fed? Akane: [gets up] Okay. Kasumi: Let's go. *********** [Ranma finds himself in a valley that looks like Jyusenkyo, but without any poles in the pools. Nor is the Guide's hut to be seen] Ranma: [looks around] What the... [He sees a woman slowly descending the slopes into the valley. She is tall and thin, beautiful, but sad, with long black hair, probably European in origin from her skin tone and features] Ranma: [runs across the valley, carefully avoiding the pools] Hey, you! [The woman looks up and blinks as he approaches. This takes a while, even for Ranma] Ranma: Don't fall in the pools! Woman: [nods quietly] I know. The valley of the fallen is a dangerous place even in daytime. That is why I have come to cleanse it. Ranma: [blinks] The valley of the fallen? Woman: It was here that one of the first defeats at the hands of the Things That Should Not Be occurred, long, long ago. Ranma: The big furry thing and its funky flunkies? Woman: [blinks, then peers at Ranma] Yes, you could say that. [laughs faintly] A bit more comic than they deserve, but still. [turns and gazes upon the valley] This will be dangerous. Ranma: This looks a lot like a place I know...called Jyusenkyo. Ever heard of it? [thinking] Have I been sent through time? Woman: That is this place. Or will be. It is my final task on my road. Do you know what the name means? Ranma: Bad Luck Valley? Woman: The Forge of Lives, in the Silver Tongue. [sighs] Which few remember. Ranma: The what? Woman: [turns to the valley and spreads her arms wide as the sun begins to set across the far end of the valley] I suggest you get to high ground. Ranma: I ain't afraid of nuthin. Woman: So be it. [As the sun sets, the valley floor becomes a sea of writhing black mist, or more accurately, of clouds of mist, each chained to a pool from which it erupts. The clouds nearest the woman begin to close in on her and Ranma. She begins to sing in a tongue Ranma does not know, and the mists boil, then begin to turn the colors of the rainbow nearest her and Ranma. Slowly, the rainbow colors spread through the valley, and each mist sinks back into the ground. The woman visibly ages a little as she overcomes each mist] Ranma: You sure you can survive this? Woman: [holds up a sign as she sings, which says] Who said I planned to survive? Ranma: ... [Finally, the last of the mists have been turned into rainbow clouds and sunk back into the ground, though now the whole valley shimmers with faint iridescent light. The woman sags, looking almost as old as Cologne] Woman: It is done. The last of my errors is undone as best I cannot undo it. If only I had never opened that box. [sighs] Ranma: Box? [starts as he sees the sun is now coming up behind her, which means he's been watching this all night] Woman: [sags to her knees and looks up at the sky] I come to you, my husband. [turns to Ranma] When I die, throw me into that pool. [points to one of them] It will make my journey easier. Ranma: You don't want a grave? Woman: I shall not need this body where I am going. [laughs] I wonder if my husband and his brother will recognize me. [pulls out a box from somewhere. It is small and ornately carved] He probably already knows I'm coming. Take this. Ranma: [takes it] Um, okay. What is it? Woman: Once it held all the evils of the world. Now it holds only something put into it by mistake. [pauses] Maybe. Ranma: Mrr? Woman: Open it when you are most desperate. [falls to her knees] And remember that.. [coughs, and closes her eyes, falling silent] Ranma: Remember? Remember what? Woman: [mumbles, then slumps over] What I told you. [a stream of light coalesces from her eyes and mouth and rises into the sky, vanishing into the dawn] Ranma: ... ***************** [We see a pair of male hands carving something onto Akane's windowsill. Then the door opens and whoever it was leaps through the window and vanishes] Akane: [plops down on the bed] Yeesh, that was tiring. [looks at the window] Did I leave that open again? ****************** [We see Kasumi and Susan looking around an apartment. It is very spartan, with virtually no furniture except for a desk, although it has a nice closet with a sliding door and a large window] Susan: It'll do for a start. Somewhere to live while I look for a better one. Kasumi: [frowns] I dunno. One of your potential neighbors gave me a lewd look, and the old woman looked like a drunkard. And that girl...parading around in her underwear in broad day light! Susan: [shrugs] I'm used to a lot worse company. [laughs] I'll have them all worshipping you yet. Kasumi: Susan! Susan: C'mon, let's go talk to the landlord. [they leave the room, closing the door behind them. It has a pseudo-stained glass window in it, with the number 'five' in the glass] ************* [We see the 'Jyusenkyo for Idiots' book, still lying on the floor of the Saotome hotel room. A female hand reaches down and picks it up, then pages through it briefly. We hear soft laughter] ************* [We see Gosunkugi and Akemi over at Ucchan's. They are seated at a table with Hitomi and Shinnosuke while Ukyou and Genma take care of the customers] Hitomi: So there you go. Help him out, we'll help you out. Gosunkugi: [nervously] Well, I can try. I don't have a really high success rate so far. Shinnosuke: It can't make it any worse. Akemi: Sure, we'll help you! My Hikaru-kun is a GREAT wizard! We could use the spell of 900 Scintillating Candelabras! Gosunkugi: Um, Akemi, where would we find 900 candelabras? Akemi: The Spell of the Vacillitating Vole? Gosunkugi: He loses his memories, not his armpit hair. Akemi: [thinks] The Oath of the Unspeakable Word? Gosunkugi: I never quite understood how that would work. And that's not a very nice spell, anyway. Hitomi: [sarcastically] The Admission of Complete Ineptitude? Akemi: That's it! Hitomi: ... Shinnosuke: I never knew you studied magic, Hitomi. Gosunkugi: Sure, begging Destiny is a LITTLE dangerous, but it can't hurt. Much. Hitomi: Define much. Gosunkugi: It's never killed more than eight people. Hitomi: ... *************** [We see Shinnousuke, Akemi, Hitomi, and Gosunkugi upstairs at Ucchan's in the guest room. They are standing, forming a square] Gosunkugi: Okay. Now, after I invoke the angels of the four corners, then we do the Mashed Potato for exactly 23 beats. Akemi, you clap out the beats. Hitomi, you will then stand on your head. After that, Shinnosuke, you will step to the middle of the square and repeat what I tell you to repeat. Hitomi: Will this work even if I think it's stupid? Gosunkugi: Just do your part. Hitomi: If he steps into the middle, it won't be a square anymore. Gosunkugi: [frowns] Now I see why this keeps killing people. Okay, someone get Ukyou up here. [Akemi soon hustles Ukyou upstairs and explains everything] Ukyou: So what do I do? Gosunkugi: You'll be the fourth point. Shinnosuke, stand on her shoulders and jump into the middle after Hitomi stands on her head. Akemi: Is that in the... Gosunkugi: I'm improvising. Hitomi: Will it ruin the ritual if I just go ahead and scream and runaway now? ************* [Hitomi is now on her head, and Shinnosuke leaps into the middle of the square of people] Shinnosuke: Okay! Gosunkugi: I, Shinnosuke, Shinnosuke: I, Shinnosuke, Gosunkugi: Do humbly petition Destiny Shinnosuke: Do humbly petition Destiny Hitomi: To make this stupid ritual work so I can go home. Gosunkugi: To make this stupid ritual...no, wait, that's not it! Hitomi! Shinnosuke: To make this stupid ritual...no, wait, that's not it! Hitomi! Hitomi: Finish it already! All the blood's rushing to my head! [Mist begins to bubble up in the center of the square of people] Shinnosuke: Is this how it's supposed to work? Gosunkugi: Hitomi, you idiot! Hitomi: Hey, I didn't make YOU mess up! [The mist boils higher] Ukyou: Do something, Gosunkugi! Akemi: Umm...Let the mists be dissipated back to where they came from! Let this be at an END! Umm...Mist, mist, go away, come back again some other day! [frantically] Um, beam me up Scotty...Ia! Ia! Cthlhu Ftaghn! Sim S... Gosunkugi: Let everyone and everything present be returned to their natural state! [The mists swirl about, obscuring everyone] Gosunkugi: This room's natural state is NOT FOGGY! Mists: You didn't say the magic word. Gosunkugi: Abracadabra? Sim Sim Salabim? Open Sesame? Twenty Three Skidoo? Tanelorn? Woo woo woo? [thinks a moment] SHAZAM! [suddenly, Gosunkugi is dressed as Captain Marvel, although he looks just as wimpy as always. The fog clears and everyone is naked, except him] Ack. Hitomi: EEE!!!!! Ukyou: AAAAAA!!!!!! [runs out of the room] Akemi: [jumps behind Gosunkugi] Hey! Shinnosuke: Where'd my clothing go? Gosunkugi: At least I didn't say the state in which we entered the world, eh? Hitomi: [bonks him in the head] Don't make me hurt you! Gosunkugi: But you just did. Hitomi: ... ************** [Somewhat later, we see the group fully clothed once more, sitting around a table downstairs. Genma is sleeping on a table] Gosunkugi: Well, with some further study, I have good news and bad news. Shinnosuke: Okay. Gosunkugi: The good news is that the curse will grow weaker over time. Shinnosuke: That's great! Gosunkugi: Each generation will have less of it than the previous one, and in about seven generations, it will wear off completely. Shinnosuke: That doesn't help me. Akemi: [hands a purple ribbon to Shinnosuke] If you wear this, then once a day, for fifteen minutes, you can use it to have perfect memories. Shinnosuke: [takes the ribbon] Well, it's better than nothing. Hitomi: [frowns] And that's all you can do? Gosunkugi: I could set him on fire. Ukyou: [laughs] Can you do something about Mr. Saotome being lazy? Gosunkugi: I could set him on fire. [We see Genma LEAP off the table and start sweeping up] **************** [We see Ranma still standing in the shimmering valley. Suddenly, he is in the middle of what looks like an ever accelerating stop motion film as dozens, hundreds, thousands of years pass in minutes. He is starting to sway on the verge of passing out from repeated, rapid climactic changes. Suddenly, time slows back down as a group of women enter the valley, carrying bamboo poles, which they start sticking in the various pools] Ranma: The pools are cursed! Stay away from them! [One of the women looks at him, blinks, then goes back to her work. Ranma runs around, trying to warn them, but they pay no attention to him. Then they start tossing various animals in the pools and rather callously watching them drown] Ranma: Hey! [sees an octopus get thrown in one pool] Well, that does answer that, but...you can't just slaughter all these animals! [They ignore him, so he tries to stop them and soon finds himself hog-tied and being held over a pool] Ranma: NO!!!!! [*Splash!* Ranma falls in the pool and changes, then begins to drown] Ranma: [last thought] You know, I think this is the pool I fell into to get this curse. ************* [We see Nodoka wandering all over town looking for Ranma. She doesn't look very happy.] Shampoo: [approaches Nodoka] Have you seen Ranma? Nodoka: [shakes her head] I've been looking all over for him. Shampoo: [frowns] Shampoo about to leave Japan for a while. Wanted to see if Ranma would come with Shampoo. Nodoka: He's...[sighs] You never give up, do you. Shampoo: Just like Ranma. Nodoka: ... Shampoo: But Shampoo may not have much choice. Boat leaves in two hours. Nodoka: Well, if you want to look with me, feel free. I'm about to go back to the hotel and grab some lunch, then search some more. Shampoo: Sounds good to Shampoo. *********** [We see Shinnosuke, Hitomi, Genma, and Ukyou grabbing some lunch before the lunch rush starts] Shinnosuke: So what do you plan to do in the long term? Ukyou: Go get a business degree, run my shop, maybe eventually start a chain. Hitomi: Sounds kinda boring to me. Genma: Be quiet, child. Don't stomp on people's dreams. Ukyou: [thinking] Too late for that. [speaking] What are you going to do, Shinnosuke? Shinnosuke: Be the guardian of the Ryugenzawa, I think. Like Dad and Grandpa, and everyone way back to the sixteenth century or so when Tokugawa put my way distant ancestor in charge. [finishes off his okonomiyaki] I'd been thinking of going and getting a forestry degree, though, or biology or something like that, but I've never really gone to school. Genma: A true martial artist has no need of fancy degrees. Shinnosuke: [nods] Yeah. Hitomi: [mutters to herself] Genma: [to Shinnosuke] Hmm. How are you going to find someone to marry you to carry on the family line, though, living in the forest? Shinnosuke: [sighs] I don't know. A tourist, I suppose, even though it's really not smart for tourists to come to Ryugenzawa. I'll probably meet her soon. Ukyou: How can you be so confident? Shinnosuke: Every male in my family usually meets his future bride by the age of eighteen. It's just a weird knack we have. How did your parents get married? Genma: They both tried to con the same business man with the same con, by sheer random chance. After spending a while in a jail cell together, they fell in love and eventually married. Hitomi: Dad saved Mom from a rampaging giant wombat. Ukyou: ... Shinnosuke: Dad claimed Mom rode into the forest on the back of a unicorn, but since there aren't any unicorns in Ryugenzawa that I know of, I'm really not sure. Ukyou: Mom ate some of Dad's cooking and just sort of decided to never leave his store ever again. [Everyone turns and stares at her] Ukyou: Dad's good. Unfortunately, there was an earthquake. A giant worm thing carried Mom off and we couldn't afford to rebuild, so Dad and I hit the road, where we met Ranma. You know the rest. Hitomi: [dubiously] A giant worm thing. Shinnosuke: We have several dozen in Ryugenzawa, Hitomi. It's perfectly plausible. And a giant tunnelling squid ate Uncle Seiji after he stole its marble. Hitomi: Its marble? Shinnosuke: Some big round stone, about two foot across, looked like a good tiger's eye marble, but not quite as translucent. [shrugs] Weird, eh? Ukyou: Not as weird as some things I've seen. ************* [We see Shampoo and Nodoka walk into the Saotome hotel room. As they open the door, a glowing figure appears in the middle of the room. It looks like Akemi...if she was translucent] Translucent-Akemi: BWAHAHAHAH!!! I have your son, and soon, I will sacrifice him to my dark master! And nothing you can do can stop me! Nodoka: ... Shampoo: YOU! [charges the translucent Akemi, but flies right through it, crashing into the wall] Holo-Akemi: In three hours, I will sacrifice your husband, Shampoo. Too bad you'll be on a slow boat to China, eh? Shampoo: Hah! I know where you live! I'll rip you apart. Holo-Akemi: But I'm not living there since you kidnapped my lover, the evil sorceror's parents. Shampoo: If you kill Ranma, Shampoo will kill his parents! Holo-Akemi: [shrugs] Go right ahead. We care nothing for such things. We live only for EVIL! Nodoka: [frowns] And I thought she was a nice girl. Holo-Akemi: Then we'll have Panda for dinner. Nodoka: [big eyes] Not... Holo-Akemi: Hey, he's a lazy bum, right? You should thank us for taking him off your hands. And you'll never find us at Uky...oops. Shampoo: The damn Spatula girl! Shampoo always knew she was evil! [They both run off. The Holo-Akemi laughs and laughs and laughs] Holo-Akemi: What fools these mortals be. ************* [We see a nervous looking postman at the Tendo house. He knocks, but looks like he expects to be bitten] Nabiki: [answers the door] What's...oh, hi! [smiles] Don't worry, all the maniacs are gone right now. Nervous Postman: Are you... [reads a note] Tendo Kasumi? Nabiki: I'm her sister. Nervous Postman: [hands her a postal slip] Sign here, please. Nabiki: [glances at the slip, which is just a normal acknowlegement of delivery form] What is this? Nervous Postman: [looks at the box, hesitantly] Looks like cosmetics. [looks around] Are you sure no one's gonna crash through the wall? Nabiki: [laughs] Not used to this route yet? Nervous Postman: First day, but I've heard stories. The panda isn't really a cannibal, is it? Nabiki: If he was a cannibal, he'd eat pandas. [signs the slip] Anything else? Nervous Postman: Ummm... [hands her a sheaf of envelopes] And one more funky thing. [goes back to his postal cart, and pulls out a huge stone box. He staggers with the weight of it] Some whacko labelled this with nordic runes, and it took forever for them to figure out where to send it to. It's for some Ryouga guy. Hibiki Ryouga. Nabiki: Umm...lemme go get him. I don't think I can lift that. [She soon brings out Ryouga] Ryouga: Dang. I wonder if it's from Mom and Dad. Nabiki: Why would they send it in a huge stone chest with nordic runes on it? One of your relatives a viking? Ryouga: Well, Dad once claimed Erik the Red was a Hibiki. [hefts the box] Anything else? Nervous Postman: No, that's enough damage for one day. [gulps] That's all. BYE! [leaps in the postal cart and drives off] Nabiki: [picks up the big box of cosmetics] Yeesh, this is heavy. Kasumi must buy in bulk. [pauses] A good idea, really. [looks at the box and sounds out the label, which is in English] M...a..r..y...K...a...y. She sure sent Kasumi a LOT of cosmetics. Ryouga: [crashes through the wall since he can't see over the box] Help. [They finally manage to stumble through the house, putting the envelopes on the kitchen table, the big box for Kasumi in her room, and then they go to Nabiki's room to open the big stone box, which makes the floor sag] Nabiki: ... Ryouga: Hmm. It's locked shut. No key, either. Nabiki: [sighs] I don't suppose you can read the runes and see who sent it? Ryouga: [sounds out the runes, translating as he goes] Danger...Will...Robinson...Danger...Squiggle...Squoggle...This...end...u p...Fahrvegneugen...uber...alles. [frowns] I think whoever wrote these had bad handwriting. Nabiki: I thought you were just trying to be funny. Ryouga: It's like they carved these runes with a horn or something. They're shaped funny and some of them don't look right. Hmm. The return address is some cave in Sweden. I can't even read the name. Something about a squirrel. Nabiki: [blinks] A squirrel from Sweden mailed you something? Ryouga: A seriously rich squirrel. The postage on this must have been hideous. [fiddles with it, and finally manages to pry it open with a crowbar, as the lock is rusty. It flies open, revealing a thick one foot spear, a letter written in runes, and a large golden helmet. When Ryouga picks up the letter, there is also a silver necklace with five opals and a small pouch of coins under it. Ryouga tosses the necklace to Nabiki] Here ya go. Lemme try and read this. Nabiki: [looking inside] What use is a one foot long spear? [puts on the necklace and looks in the mirror] This thing is pretty valuable. Someone really likes you. Ryouga: [reading the letter] Oh, this is from that Dragon we met a month ago. It's in apology for destroying our house. The spear is a expandible duplicate of Gungnir. The helmet is a 'fliegenhelm of kinder bar', whatever that means. The necklace makes its wearer immune to poison. Nabiki: I'm tempted to give it to Ranma. He'll need it. Ryouga: I thought you were mad at him. Nabiki: I don't like him very much, but if he's going to marry Akane, he'd need it. However, I think I'll keep it; it's really pretty and I could probably use it too. And the coins? Ryouga: [tosses the coins to Nabiki] See if you can identify them. He says he just grabbed some of the duplicates in his coin collection. Nabiki: [gets out a jeweler's glass, puts it on, and starts looking, consulting a book from her bookcase] Hmm. Crusader coin, issued by the King of Jerusalem in 1134 AD. Ohh, a rare double Anthony Solidus from 30 BC or so. A Babylonian silver coin with Nebuchanezzar. [moving faster and faster] Two Drachmas issued to celebrate the battle of Salamis. A silver coin I can't find, but with hebrew inscriptions and some king on it. A wooden nickel. [laughs] A bronze coin? A gold coin with an inscription in greek...something about Lydia. A gold coin with a latin inscription proclaiming some Pope...Well, once I sell these, we'll never have to worry about being poor. [laughs] Maybe I'll reinforce the dojo with battleship plate. Ryouga: [picks up the spear] Let's see. Probably you just flick your wrist and... [flicks his wrist. The spear extends to seven feet long and glows] Cool. And to retract it, you... [reads from the letter] Hang from the tree of wisdom for seven days. Nabiki: ... Ryouga: I think I'll just keep it extended. [puts down the spear] Let's see about the helmet. [puts it on. It is too big, but suddenly adjusts to fit his head] Eep. Nabiki: I wish my clothing did that. Ryouga: Okay, helmet, do something. [Ryouga fires through the ceiling like a rocket, punching a hole] Nabiki: ... [Far above the dojo, Ryouga looks panicked] Ryouga: Down! Put me down! [Ryouga plummets, crashing through the floor of Nabiki's room, then down through the floor of the room under it and into the ground] Ryouga: More slowly, okay? [dusts himself off. Then the stone chest falls through the hole he made and clonks him in the head] Ack. [thunks over] **************** [We see Ranma-chan come to, lying on a simple canvas and wood cot in a crude log house] Ranma-chan: Didn't I drown? Girl: [tall and ugly, but very well muscled and toned, dressed in a simple cotton shift. She looks European or possibly Middle Eastern, with Caucasian features, but a dark complexion and long black hair] We saved you, just in time. We'd thought we'd thrown a guy in, but then we saw you. Ranma-chan: Why did you drown all those animals? Girl: Artemis told us to. We are to make of that valley a great training ground, but those who train there will risk taking the form of an animal. [pauses] I suppose whoever falls in the one you fell in would take the form of a woman. [laughs] Not quite so scary, eh? Oh, I'm Helen. Nice to meet you. And you are? Ranma-chan: [nervously] Ranko. Helen: Are you a local or a traveller like us? I haven't seen anyone around here with red hair. Ranma-chan: [sits up] I'm from Japan. Helen: From what? Where's that? Ranma-chan: Across the ocean. Helen: We're originally from the far west, but we had to flee after all that trouble with Hercules. [frowns] We shouldn't have run away. Ranma-chan: [thinks] Um, what year is this? Helen: The five hundred and thirtieth year since the founding of our nation. Ranma-chan: What's that in AD? Helen: I've never been there. Ranma-chan: So you're an Amazon? Helen: [nods] Ranma-chan: So does Helen mean Bodyspray in Greek or something? Helen: Eh? Ranma-chan: [sighs] Never mind. ************* [We see Ukyou, Genma, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi busilly working during the lunch rush at Ucchan's, when Shampoo and Nodoka come storming in the door] Shampoo: YOU HUSSY! [charges Ukyou] Nodoka: Come out, you cowards! What have you done with my son? Genma: What, Nodoka-chan? Nodoka: My own husband has thrown in with the enemy! DIE! [charges Genma, who screams and runs] Ukyou: [can't bring her spatula, which has five okonomiyaki on it, around fast enough and gets clocked by Shampoo. The food goes flying and lands on several customers who yell angrily] What are you DOING? Shampoo: [berserkly] Shampoo knows what you're up to! Shinnosuke: What is going on? Hitomi: She's a moron, but I can't let you beat her up while I'm living here! [charges Shampoo, who turns and swats Hitomi down like a bug, even with her magic broom] Shampoo: [turns to face Ukyou] Stupid Street Sweeper Girl won't stop Shampoo! Ukyou: [smacks Shampoo in the knees with her spatula, then hooks Shampoo's glasses, sending them flying] Hey, I'm trying to SERVE food here! Fight me later! Shampoo: [attacks a customer] There you are! Shinnosuke: I don't know who you are, but I won't stand for this! [charges Shampoo. She's a better fighter, but can't see well, and he's hacked off, which makes it fairly even. Until Ukyou whacks Shampoo in the head from behind] Shampoo: No...Ranma...Shampoo...will...save you. [thunk] Ukyou: What is she TALKING about? Shinnosuke: I have no idea. Ukyou: [frowns] Maybe something has happened to Ranma. ************** [We see Akane in her room, busily trying to read, and frowning] Akane: Stupid Ranma. He was supposed to come at lunch with me. Where is he? [P-chan appears in the window] Akane: [frowns at him] Go the hell away, Ryouga. [P-chan does a little insulting dance and moons her] Akane: RYOUGA, YOU BASTARD! [runs at P-chan, then leaps at him. He sidesteps and she goes through the window and vanishes in a poof of smoke] P-chan: Bwee ha ha ha. *************** [We see Nabiki down in the living room with Ryouga, putting ice on his head. Kasumi comes out of the kitchen] Kasumi: Akane went upstairs, didn't she? Nabiki: Hey, a big box of cosmetics came for you. Kasumi: [blinks] Really? Nabiki: Yeah. A LOT of them. Some Mary Kay woman sent them. Kasumi: [smiles] How nice of her. I'll go check. [She goes upstairs and looks in Akane's room. The window is open, but there is no Akane. She goes and shuts the window] Kasumi: I suppose Ranma came in the window to avoid Nabiki. [sighs] Maybe the makeup will cheer me up. [She goes to her room and opens the box. A two foot sphere of iridescent basalt is in the box, along with enough styrofoam peanuts for an army, and a small bottle of purple hair dye] Kasumi: [scratches her head] Maybe this is some kind of weird bubble bath product? A soap? [checks the hair dye: All Natural Purple Hair Dye--Look just like the grape you've always wanted to be] ... [laughs] Well, I've been needing a good bath. I guess we'll see if this thing works. ************* [We see Ukyou has closed down her shop, and she, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi have taken Shampoo upstairs and have been trying unsuccessfully to interrogate her] Ukyou: You think we're going to kill Ranma? But I would never hurt Ranchan! Shampoo: You're in league with the evil sorceror and his evil woman! You made Shampoo blind like Mousse and now you want to kill Shampoo's love! Hitomi: Uhuh. I say we mail her back to her village. Shinnosuke: Evil sorceror? Shampoo: Creepy boy! Ukyou: Gosunkugi. [We see Shelf at the door] Shelf: Sorry about this. Shampoo, WHAT are you doing? Shampoo: Shampoo has to kill the people who want to kill Ranma! Shelf: No one wants to kill Ranma. [picks up Shampoo] My apologies. You people have nothing to do with this. [drags off a screaming Shampoo] Hitomi: Finally, someone sensible. Ukyou: [frowns] I have a bad feeling about this. ************* [We see the Bishoujo Kitsune shaking The Idiot's Guide to Jyusenkyo, over and over. She is in Desire's lair.] Bishoujo Kitsune: Hmm, he's stuck. [Ranma-chan falls out of the book] Desire: She's stuck. Ranma-chan: I'm a GUY! Desire: Same difference. Stuck is stuck. Ranma-chan: Where am I? Desire: My beautiful home. The realm of Desire. Where anything I want is real. Ranma-chan: [looks around] Looks butt-ugly to me. Bishoujo Kitsune: So where's my century lotus? Desire: While this one's antics amuse me, she is not who I want. I want the heads of the sorceror and his magical whore on a plate. That is what I told you to bring me. What use is he? Bishoujo Kitsune: Surely you can understand what she is. Ranma-chan: HE! Desire: [conjures a chair for her and BK, leaving Ranma standing] Tell me. Bishoujo Kitsune: She is the focus of so many people's desires. She is what makes you strong in Nerima. And with her gone, my husband and I can make her seem to do whatever is necessary to turn everyone on those you hate. But we have to make sure she's out of the way. Desire: I am not a jailor. Ranma-chan: Yeah, she's not a jailor! Bishoujo Kitsune: Do you want this to work? Desire: Yes. Bishoujo Kitsune: I can't ride herd over her AND carry out your vengeance. Ranma-chan: You can't hold me here! [Desire gestures and she and the BK vanish] Ranma-chan: Cowards! [starts looking for a way out] ************** [Cut to the Tendo Bathroom. Kasumi is in the bathtub with the big stone sphere. It isn't producing any bubbles] Kasumi: I wonder if it was supposed to be heated first or something. [lies back in the hot water] Oh well, I'll just relax. [sinks back into the water, rests her head on the edge of the tub, and closes her eyes] **************** [Cut to a boat leaving Tokyo Bay. We see the Amazon Brigade on board. Shampoo is hog-tied with Shelf sitting on her] Shampoo: NO! Shampoo has to find RANMA! Shelf: You were tricked by some sorcery, Shampoo. Shampoo: Even Ranma's mother agreed with Shampoo! Cologne: [frowns] We will make them come to us. No one can beat a sorceror on his home ground. You should know that, Shampoo. Mousse: Cologne is right. Showercap: [pops up] And that's so rare you should savor the moment. Cologne: Hey! Showercap: Be quiet, KID. Cologne: I am not a kid! Showercap: You are now, even more than you were before. [grins] At least Gosunkugi didn't beat you too. Although I wish he had. If I could force both of you to marry him...woo, I'd be in heaven! Cologne: Shampoo will be getting her revenge on him, not marrying him. Showercap: [laughs] We'll see. ************ [Dinnertime at the Tendo Household. Nabiki, Ryouga, and Soun are seated at the table, looking expectant] Nabiki: Hey, Kasumi, what's for dinner? [Silence] Soun: Where's Akane? Nabiki: Run off with her idiot boyfriend again. [shrugs] She can't try to cook if she's gone. Soun: [frowns] Nabiki. Ryouga: [frowns] Nabiki. Nabiki: Do any of you WANT to eat her cooking? [silence] Ryouga: You know, I don't smell any food cooking. Nabiki: [looks in the kitchen] Hey, no Kasumi! Soun: But...but...who will feed us? Nabiki: Let's search the house. Something must have happened to her! [They all run in three different directions. We see Soun upstairs, poking into various bedrooms. We see Nabiki outside. We see Ryouga in the hallway] Ryouga: Okay, this is her bedroom. [opens the doors and walks in. It's the bathroom antechamber] ... [looks around] Kasumi? [There are yawning noises from the bathroom] Kasumi: Did someone say something? Ryouga: Hey, Kasumi, are you taking a bath? Didn't you say dinner would be ready at six? Kasumi: It's only three or so, right? Ryouga: [looks at his wrist. He has no watch] Umm. No. I think. Kasumi: I'll have dinner ready soon! [thinking] I feel so relaxed. ************ [We see Shinnosuke, Hitomi, and Ukyou busily playing poker again after closing up shop] Shinnosuke: I bid three. Hitomi: I see your three and raise you twenty. Shinnosuke: ... Ukyou: I see the twenty three and raise five. Shinnosuke: How can you bid twenty eight tricks with only 13 possible? Ukyou: What? Shinnosuke: This is Spades, right? Hitomi: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! [leaps to her feet] I'm going for a walk. I can't stand this. [runs off] Shinnosuke: Hitomi! [starts to get up, but Ukyou grabs him] Ukyou: Just let her relax. She doesn't have much patience, and I think she's starting to feel cooped up. Shinnosuke: [sits down by Ukyou] I can't blame her. I drive her nuts, even though she does so much to help me. Ukyou: [sighs] So what you wanna do? Shinnosuke: Well, Poker is fine, as long as I can remember we're playing it. Ukyou: [laughs] How about Strip Poker? Hard to forget that. [thinking] I shouldn't tease him, but he blushes so funnily. Shinnosuke: Okay. [picks up the cards and starts shuffling] Even I can't forget that. Ukyou: [blushes, thinking] He's taking me seriously! [looks at Shinnosuke, thinking] He won't remember. He'll forget halfway through. I wouldn't mind seeing him with his...control, Ukyou. Control. If we're going to play strip poker, we might as well go straight to mad passionate sex. Which wouldn't be half bad. [blushes a LOT, thinking] Down girl, down! No biscuit! Shinnosuke: Just one item per hand, okay? Otherwise we both end up naked way too fast. Ukyou: [faintly] You've done this before? Shinnosuke: My family has really whacko Christmas parties. [shuffles] This'll be the first time I won't pass out halfway through the game, though. Ukyou: ... Shinnosuke: You know the rules, right? Ukyou: Umm...five card draw? Stud? Shinnosuke: [blushes] You think I'm a stud? Ukyou: ... Shinnosuke: [deals out the first hand] You can throw in as many cards as you want after the first bet, or fold immediately. Oh, and you can wear all the clothing you win and use it to bet later. But if you collapse from the weight of the clothing, you lose. Ukyou: ... ************* [We see a giant wombat! Okay, actually, the scene shifts to Gosunkugi's bedroom. He looks gloomy.] Gosunkugi: Great. Ranma and Akane are missing, and Ranma's mom thinks we're to blame. Akemi: Well, Ryouga said he would help, and we'll have Ukyou, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi. Gosunkugi: We need Ranma or we're toast! What if he's run off to marry Shampoo? Akemi: [laughs] I don't think so. I bet he and Akane just wanted some privacy [hugs Gosunkugi] Don't worry. We'll get your parents back. Gosunkugi: Some master sorceror I am. [sighs] Akemi: You were a great sorceror in Hyperborea. Gosunkugi: Too bad this isn't Hyperborea. [sighs] How can you be so sure that was me? Akemi: I know your soul. Gosunkugi: Any way for me to get all my old sorcery knowlege back? Akemi: All the ways are too dangerous. But you've got the talent. You just need practice. And this'll be great for that. Gosunkugi: I wish I had your confidence. Akemi: [quietly] All the confidence I have is yours, for it comes from how much I know you. Gosunkugi: [gulps] I hope I can fulfill your trust. Akemi: You will. ************** [We see Ranma-chan pounding on the walls] Ranma-chan: Can't I at least have some hot water? [Boiling hot water falls on her] Ranma: You can't do this to me! [Silence] ******************** [We see Akane in a stone room similar to the one Ranma is in] Akane: RYOUGA YOU BASTARD! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! [The door opens and Desire walks in] Desire: You want revenge on him? Akane: Yes! Desire: I can help you, if want help. Akane: Just point me to him! Desire: [holds out a long, elaborate contract] Sign here, and I swear I will aid your revenge. [Akane signs and Desire laughs] *************** [Ukyou and Shinnosuke are down to their underwear. She is blushing a lot, while he seems unaffected] Shinnosuke: I did mention you can wear all the clothing you win, right? [There are large piles of each other's clothing by each of them] Ukyou: [nervously] None of your stuff fits me right. Shinnosuke: Oh, right. And I couldn't wear a...oh wait, you're still wearing that. Ukyou: [thinking] Not for long with this hand. Why am I doing this? [pauses, then thinks] Because I'm hoping we'll end up in bed. Then why don't I just grab him? [pauses, then thinks] Because I'm afraid he'll forget what he's doing. Or say no. Especially that he'll say no. Shinnosuke: I bid five. Ukyou: This isn't Spades. Shinnosuke: Oh, right. Well, I did play Strip Spades once, but it didn't work too well. Ukyou: [nervously] Did you ever play to the point where someone ended up naked? Shinnosuke: Aunt Mei always ends up naked. [shudders] Not something you wanna see. Usually that's when I pass out. [smiles] I'm sure you look much better naked than she does. Ukyou: [looks around nervously] When will Hitomi be back? Shinnosuke: It'll be a while. That was a major snit. Hitomi: [from the hallway] I'm going to bed, people! Goodnight! [footsteps recede] Ukyou: Well, that answers that. Shinnosuke: Strip poker always embarrasses her anyway. [blushes slightly] And me, sometimes. But I feel comfortable about it with you. Ukyou: [mumbles] I wish I wasn't so nervous, then. Shinnosuke: I'm sorry, I didn't realize it would embarrass you. But since you suggested it, and I tend to forget what game I'm playing otherwise... Ukyou: [quietly] Is that the only reason? Shinnosuke: Well, I was wondering if you look as good without clothing as with. [pauses] Did I really say that? Ukyou: [gulps and moves closer, incredibly nervously] Wanna find out? [thinking] I've gone mad. If he says no, I'll die. Shinnosuke: [gulps] Sure. [This is not a lemon story, so what happens next is left as an exercise for the reader] ************** [We see Ranma, who is watching what was left as an exercise for the reader through a magic mirror as Desire stands nearby. Or to be more precise, he's trying to not watch, but can't quite help himself, so he keeps turning back and forth] Desire: [laughs] I take it you are regretting letting her go. Ranma: [frowns] Did you bring me here to torment me? This probably is just a trick of yours, whoever you are! Desire: I wish. This is quite real. Surely you did not think she would pine away for you forever? [smiles] Or is that what you really wanted? That all four of them revolve around you forever? Ranma: I never wanted to make them unhappy! Desire: But you don't want them to be happy without you. Ranma: [points at Desire] Damn you! Don't tell me what I want! Desire: That's my job. To make people want. You were one of the finest tools I've ever forged for that. Now I just have to figure out how to make you work correctly again. Ranma: You can't make me do nothing! [sneaks a peek at the mirror] I can't believe she...she never... Desire: [smiles] It hurts, does it not? To lose her love? Ranma: [frowns] Shut up. Desire: To know she has given someone else something she never gave you. Ranma: I didn't want her to give it to me! Desire: [raises an eyebrow] Then why does this displease you? Do you think he means to harm her? Ranma: [curtly] No. Desire: Do you think he forced her into this? Ranma: No. Desire: Then why is she not free to give her love to whomever she pleases? Ranma: Because it...because...you did something to her! I can tell! Desire: I tried to make her seduce you. Clearly, that is not you she seduced. Ranma: Ucchan wouldn't just jump into bed with Shinnosuke so fast! Desire: [laughs] You never really understood her. She would have jumped into bed with you if you had so desired. She loved you with all her heart, but you rejected her. And now she loves him. Ukyou changes on the drop of a coin. Haven't you noticed that? Ranma: [shouts] She does not! She's my friend, and I probably know her better than I know myself! Desire: [laughs louder] Given you don't know yourself well, that says little. Ranma: You did this! [points to the mirror] Desire: You're just jealous. How delightful. [smiles] Ranma: I am NOT jealous! Desire: As you like. Doesn't it stir you to watch them rut? Ranma: SHUT UP! Desire: [shrugs] You don't fight girls. You can't hurt me if I don't attack you. Ranma: [shudders] I can't tell if you're a guy or a girl. Desire: I've borne children, though I've shaped far more than I've borne. Like you. Ranma: You ain't never made me do nothing! Desire: There's very little you've ever done that didn't feed me. [grins] Though your would-be lovers were even more delectable. [turns and watches the mirror] Nine of ten says he forgets what he's doing at some point. Ranma: You trying to provoke me? Fine! Come and get me! Desire: Nope. I'm just going to relax and watch this. And so will you. Ranma: [turns away] You can't make me. Ukyou's Voice: [from the mirror] I love you, Shinnosuke. Ranma: [winces visibly] Damn you. Desire: [smirks] Oh, now you're cursing your best friend? Ranma: DAMN YOU, WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE! Desire: I am Desire, one of the Endless. Ranma: Bullshit! Desire: [sidles over to Ranma] I think you like watching this. Ranma: I'd rather burn in Hell! Desire: That can be arranged. So you want out of here? Ranma: Yes! Desire: You want to go stop them from doing what they're doing. Ranma: Yes! No! [pauses and glares] Damn you! Desire: It is tempting to send you, but I must keep you out of the game until the full hand is played. One by one, I will eliminate their guardians, until no one is left who can protect my enemies. And since you are already off the board, it would be foolish to send you back, no matter how much wonderful trouble you would make by popping in on their assignation. Ranma: Ucchan wouldn't do no...uh, whatever you said. Desire: Boy, you need a vocabulary implant. ************* [We see Nabiki asleep in her room. She wakes up, hearing a loud noise] Nabiki: [in her pajamas] Someone there? [There is a flash of lightning, and we see Genma silhouetted in the window. He has an axe, and is dripping wet] Nabiki: [frowns and gets out of bed] All right, who's snuck into my room? This isn't funny. [Genma tosses Ryouga's head onto the floor] Genma: Neither was throwing us out. But now we're even. [laughs maniacally] Nabiki: [sees Ryouga's head] Ryouga! [runs over to the head and cries] Ryouga! No! Genma: [laughs] You shouldn't have messed with me. Nabiki: [stands up] You bastard! I can't believe you killed Ryouga because of... [stares at Genma] Why aren't you a panda? Genma: [blinks in surprise] I'm supposed to be a panda? Nabiki: [eyes narrow] You're dripping wet. Genma: [raises an eyebrow] I am human, right? Nabiki: [frowns] Unlike everyone else in this ward, I am not an idiot. Who the hell are you, really? I may not like Mr. Saotome, but I won't let anyone trick me this easily. [looks down at the head] Nice fake. Genma: [raises the axe] It's all real! I killed him, really! Nabiki: What's your favorite game? Genma: Umm...curling. Nabiki: What's your son's name? Genma: Ummm...Ryouga? Nabiki: Why did I throw you out? Genma: Because I was cheating on you? Nabiki: [laughs faintly] I bet this isn't even my room. [walks over to the wall] Probably just a stage prop. I don't know what your game is, but... [pulls back a fist] Genma: No! Don't do that! I'll chop you up! Nabiki: That's probably just a rubber axe. Genma: [chops the bed in half] Quite real. Nabiki: [tensely] I'm not afraid of you. You don't think I grew up in a dojo without learning martial arts, do you? Don't make me use my...Martial Arts Accounting on you. Genma: Yeah, right. There's no such thing. [hefts the axe] Now, be scared and angry at me like you're supposed to, okay? Nabiki: [punches the wall, which falls down. The entire bedroom dissolves away into the mists] Well, not QUITE what I expected. Genma: [charges her with the axe] Sorry, but I'll get in trouble if you don't die horribly like you're supposed to. Nabiki: [turns around] Maybe I'm dreaming this. Genma: No, no, this is real! Honest! Nabiki: So it is a dream. Genma: No! Nabiki: Then where are we? Genma: Umm...the highlands of Scotland. Yeah, that's it. [the mists swirl and part, revealing a boggy moor with lots of sleeping sheep] Nabiki: [looks around] I prefer Las Vegas. [Bink. Instant Las Vegas, complete with policemen dressed as Elvis] Genma: No! We're in Scotland! [The landscape begins to change] Nabiki: In the middle of the battle of Flodden Field. With you in a Scottish army uniform. [Suddenly, they are surrounded by a swirling battle of pikemen and cavalrymen, with muskets firing wildly everywhere. A squad of English pikemen chase 'Genma' off into the distance] Nabiki: And then suddenly it was 'We love Queen Nabiki Day' at the Tendo Imperium. [The battle turns into a high tech palace with an army of scantily clad male servants all grovelling at Nabiki's feet while an endless array of mayors present her expensive gifts] Nabiki: [smiles] Now THIS is how a dream should be. [Suddenly, the entire palace collapses, nearly killing Nabiki. A dapper little man strides out of the mists] Mr. Mujaki: This will NOT do. Nabiki: [stares at him] So this is your doing. Mr. Mujaki: You're a smart one. Too smart. I should have just tricked your sister into killing you instead of your boyfriend. Nabiki: [sighs] I won't believe you unless you have proof. Mr. Mujaki: Well, you won't wake up until he's already dead. Assuming my partners did their job, anyway. Nabiki: [frowns] Who are you, and what do you want? Mr. Mujaki: I'm not the sort of idiot who explains their plans to their victims. Nabiki: Mists, show me his plans. [The mists show Mr. Mujaki talking to Desire] Mr. Mujaki (Vision): I should have become the new lord of dreams, not this Daniel moron! Desire (Vision): [smiles] You help me, and I can help you. Mr. Mujaki: Mists, don't show her anything! Nabiki: Mists, show the Lord of Dreams what this guy has been up to. [grins] Mr. Mujaki: No! Don't do it! [A bird forms from the mists and flies off into them] Mr. Mujaki: [starts to run after the bird] Come back here! Nabiki: Mists, drop an anvil on him. [*WHAM!*] *********** [We see Akane trying to climb to the Tendo roof while holding a butcher knife in one hand. She slips and falls to the ground. *WHAM!* Ryouga wakes up on the roof] Ryouga: [blinks groggily] Did I hear someone? [peers over the edge] Akane! [leaps down to her, picks her up, and carries her inside. The knife is left outside] What were you doing? Akane: [mumbles while unconscious] Pudding. Ryouga: ... *************** [We see Ranma sitting with his eyes closed and his ears plugged in the room with Desire] Desire: Hmm. Looks like Akane and Ryouga are doing something together. Ranma: I can't hear you. Desire: Oh my, now they're ripping each other's clothing off. Ranma: [twitches] Liar. Desire: I thought you couldn't hear me. Ranma: I was talking to my father. Desire: I wish. I tried to seduce your mother once, but then...well, I'd rather not remember that night. It would be too dangerous to play this game with you if you did bear the blood of the Endless. Ranma: Why? Desire: Those who shed the blood of their family will be hunted by the Furies to the ends of the Earth, until their death comes. And any child of any of the Endless counts as family of mine. Even though indirect causation doesn't count, such as getting someone else to slay someone of my blood for me, it's still too risky, especially when it's a simple revenge against that foolish sorceror and his familiar. Ranma: What, you wanna get even with Gosunkugi and Akemi? Why? Desire: They thwarted me long ago. Then she escaped the punishment I designed for her. I do not like to lose any more than you do. Ranma: [stands up] I'd never do anything like this! Desire: Only because you lack the power to do so. No one can escape Desire, for everyone wants something. You want glory and skill. And you have recieved it in plenty. And the price has been paid by others. [smiles] That's why I like you. Ranma: [frowns] I do NOT make other people pay! Desire: Well, you do seem to be mending your ways somewhat, but I'm sure you'll revert to type, soon enough. Just like your father. Ranma: I am NOT like my father! Desire: Everyone says that, then they turn into him. Ranma: Damn you! Desire: They all say that too. ************ [We see Nabiki back in the lap of luxury again] Nabiki: I wish all my dreams were like this. Maybe they will be, now. [The door opens, and Daniel, Lord of Dreams, walks in. He is tall and pale, with white hair and chalk white skin, dressed in formal garb] Daniel: [looks around] You learn swiftly. Nabiki: [points to the smear] Did you get the bird? What is going on? Daniel: One of my predecessor's more insolent creations got a little out of control. [sits down on the anvil] It would seem that Desire is on another one of her petty rampages again. I wonder what Morpheus was thinking of when he made those tulpas with her. [sighs] One of the few times they ever collaborated. I am sorry for this. My servants are not supposed to manipulate the dreams of mortals for their own benefit. Nor is Desire to tamper with my realm. I cannot allow this to pass. You must waken now, and prevent your lover from being slain. Nabiki: He..he's in danger? Daniel: Your sister's anger with him has been exploited. As soon as she awakes, she'll try to kill him again. And he feels so guilty, he just might let her. Nabiki: Why is Desire doing all this? Daniel: She wants to clear away everyone who might be able to defend the targets of her revenge, Gosunkugi and Akemi. So she's tried to turn you all against them first, then when that failed, against each other, which seems to be working much better. Nabiki: [sighs] Okay, wake me up. Although, how I'm going to stop a berserk Akane, I have no idea. Daniel: You wouldn't happen to know anyone capable of dimensional travel, would you? Nabiki: You're the lord of dreams, I'm a high school graduate. Daniel: She has your sister's fiancee captive, but it is difficult for us to enter each other's strongholds when we are not welcome. Nabiki: Well, my boyfriend can go from Tokyo to Kansas in 60 seconds. Does that help? Daniel: Perfect. ************** [We see Ranma pouting on the floor, still. The Bishoujo Kitsune walks in] BK: Okay, just about everyone's en route to slaughter each other. I had to use my last bit of the oil to get the old fat man to do what I wanted. So where's my Century Lotus? Desire: As soon as they are all dead, you will get it. BK: If you cheat me, I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born. Desire: I always keep my deals. So Ranma's parents are on their way to slaughter his ex-fiancee and her lover? BK: I still don't see why you didn't just have us send everyone directly to kill Akemi and Gosunkugi. Ranma: [horrified] My parents are on their way to kill Ucchan and Shinnosuke? BK: It does seem kinda irrelevant. Desire: Too many of my plans have crashed in the past because I did not plan in the long term. Best to make sure they will have no defenders, difficult as waiting is for me. Ranma: [clenches his fists] I won't let you do this! Desire: [laughs] You can do nothing. Without my permission, you cannot leave, and you can't even beat me up. You won't fight women. BK: Aren't you a sort of hermaphrodite, anyway? Ranma: I'm not a robot that you can just push my buttons and make me do things. I don't fight girls. Normally. But you ain't no lady. [charges at Desire, who blinks with surprise. Ranma unleashes hundreds of punches in seconds, sending Desire flying across the room. He then turns to the Bishoujo Kitsune] I remember what you did to me. Bishoujo Kitsune: [backing up] Hey, I just wanted a few boyfriends! I was lonely! Ranma: [suddenly in her face] You're going to undo what you did to my parents, or I'll feed you your own intestines. Bishoujo Kitsune: You're bluffing! Ranma: [grabs her wrist. Snap.] You're right. I'll start by ripping off your hands. Desire: Amusing as that would be, I can't let you do that. [gestures and Ranma is now tied upside down to the wall] Did you really think you could defeat me in my own stronghold? Ranma: ... Desire: The Queen and her land are one. This stronghold is me. You can't beat me any more than I could beat you in your fantasies. Bishoujo Kitsune: Can you fix my hand? Desire: [gestures] There you go. [turns to Ranma] You can't win. Do you understand that? Your parents are going to be murderers, and nothing you can do can stop it. Unless... Ranma: Unless? Desire: I have no real need to see them do that, as long as they stay away from Akemi and Gosunkugi when the time comes. Sell yourself to me, and I will break the spell on them. Ranma: You'll break your word. Desire: I never break my word. Wiggle and bend it a bit, but not break it. Ranma: I don't believe you. Desire: [shrugs] So be it. The blood shall be on your hands. You'll live, knowing you could have saved Ukyou, but you didn't even try. Ranma: [thinking] I'm just surprised she didn't send someone to kill Akane if she really wanted me to sell myself to her. Desire: What an excellent idea! Kitsune-chan, send your husband to make sure Nabiki kills Akane after Akane kills Ryouga, okay? BK: Sure thing. [steps through a door and vanishes] Ranma: ... *************** [We see Hitomi in the guest room. A noise wakes her up.] Hitomi: [mutters] Try to be quiet, Shinnosuke. [Footsteps in the hallway] Hitomi: [sits up] That you, Shinnosuke? [looks around] Maybe he went to the bathroom. No, that's two sets...are he and Ukyou up to something? [goes to the door and peers out, seeing Genma and Nodoka creeping down the hallway] Great. The crazy woman. [goes and grabs her magic broom, steps out in the hallway, and speaks loudly] Okay, WHAT are you two idiots doing? [shouts] Hey, Ukyou, Ranma's psycho parents are here! Genma: [crazed] One of the evil ones who stole our son! [charges at Hitomi] Hitomi: Urk. [fends Genma off desperately. While he is clearly better than her, the magic broom helps her just enough to hold her own] [Nodoka, meanwhile, goes to the door to Ukyou's room. She is curled up on her futon with Shinnosuke cuddled up to her asleep. She is half-asleep, half-awake, mumbling happily to herself] Nodoka: [robotically] Die! [stabs down at Shinnosuke, but the blade breaks on his skin. He doesn't even wake up, but this jars Ukyou awake] Ukyou: [blinks] Mrs. Saotome? Nodoka: You kidnapped my son! DIE! DIE! DIE! [stabs down with the hilt repeatedly] Ukyou: [tries to wake Shinnosuke, but he is sound asleep] What are you DOING? [looks at the broken sword] ... Nodoka: [leaps at Ukyou and begins to strangle her, rolling around with Ukyou on the ground] You aided the evil sorceror! He took my son! Ukyou: Are you nuts? I would never kidnap Ranchan! [kicks Nodoka away from her] Snap out of it! Someone's tricked you! [Nodoka grabs Ukyou's own spatula off the floor and attacks her] Ukyou: Just great. ************* [We see Nabiki sprinting down the stairs in her pajamas. She slips on a lost sock and tumbles down the stairs, landing with her head] Nabiki: AAAAAA!!!!!!! [staggers to her feet] The things I do for love. [stumbles into the living room, where Akane is choking a crying Ryouga] Akane: [literally frothing as if she was rabid] You beast! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Nabiki: [tackles her, knocking her away from Ryouga] Stop it, Akane! Damn it! Akane: [tosses Nabiki aside] You only love him because of a potion! Your love for him is false! He's just using you like he used me! Ryouga: [crying] I'm sorry, Akane. Maybe I should die for what I did. Nabiki: [staggers back] You want him, you have to go through me. Akane: [looking even more deranged; clearly, this is not natural, as Akane is not noted for true beserkergang] Fine. I'll enjoy making him watch you die! [charges at Nabiki, who grabs Akane and rolls back, flipping her overhead as she rolls. Akane slams into the wall] Ryouga: ... Nabiki: [to Ryouga] I didn't grow up in the house for nothing. I'm not even a third as good as Akane is, because I never really wanted to be good at fighting. But I know a few tricks, and she's fighting like she's possessed. Maybe she is. Akane: You're the possessed one! [charges at Nabiki again. Nabiki sidesteps and trips her. Akane crashes into the wall again] Nabiki: C'mon, Ryouga, I can't keep this up all night! You're the good fighter! Ryouga: [gets up] I just.. Nabiki: We can decide who kills who later! [desperately blocking blows from an Akane onslaught] Ryouga: Right! [charges at Akane, misses her as she presses Nabiki back, and charges right out the door into the kitchen. He does not return] Nabiki: Great timing, boyfriend. *********** [We see Kasumi and Susan flying over bright fluffy clouds. They both are dressed in white robes, carrying harps, and have angel wings] Kasumi: [nervously] Are you sure this isn't blasphemous? Susan: You're the one who said you wanted to fly! You can change it by just willing it, anyway. Anyone can control their dreams once they're cognizant that it IS a dream. You wanna learn to do this, right? Kasumi: Well, it was your idea. Susan: Look, I won't make you, but it's important for a saint to have control over her dreams. Kasumi: [blushes] I'm not a saint, or an angel. Susan: Yet, maybe. [There is a flash of light and Daniel, Lord of Dreams, appears] Daniel: Your sister needs you. [looks at Susan] What are you doing here, Raguela? Susan: [blushes] I'm just Susan now. I got kicked out of Hell, and Desire finally fired me too. Kasumi: [nervously] Are you... Daniel: I am not the Almighty. Or even close. Merely the lord of dreams. Your sister needs you. Desire's minions are trying to make your sister kill Ryouga. Kasumi: ... Daniel: He is safe now, but your sister is in danger, and I cannot do anything directly to help her. You can. Kasumi: [nervously] Akane's on a rampage? I...I can't even fight as well as Nabiki, and if she won't listen to reason. Daniel: Only you are close enough to help her. I could try to insure that her boyfriend returns on his next jump, but that could be hours from now. Kasumi: I'll go. How do I wake myself up? Susan: I'll come over to your place as fast as I can, once I wake up. Daniel: Just will yourself awake. [sighs] I am sorry you have been caught up in my family's games. [looks around] You made this, Raguela? Susan: [blushes] You like it? Daniel: You should know Heaven doesn't REALLY look like this. Susan: [quietly] I couldn't bear to see it as it truly is, not after being gone so long. Daniel: [to Kasumi] Go with my blessing. *************** [Ranma is watching his parents fight Hitomi and Ukyou. Hitomi goes down, and now Ukyou is being double teamed] Ranma: Dammit! Desire: Ready to reconsider? Ranma: No! You're trying to trick me! Desire: Coerce, yes. Trick, no. Well, except for when I claimed Akane and Ryouga were getting it on. Ryouga: [from the doorway] Nabiki, I'll save...hey, where the hell is this? Ranma: Ryouga! Run while you still can! Ryouga: [blinks] Ranma? [A second later, Desire has him hogtied] Hey! Desire: [gestures and the large window they're watching the fight through splits to show Akane beating up Nabiki as well as the Ranma's parents versus Ukyou fight] Let's make a deal. ************ [We see Kasumi running down the hallway in her pajamas] Kasumi: [thinking] Why do I feel so reluctant to leave my room? I feel like my brain is full of molasses or something. [sprints down the stairs] Must be evil magic. [She runs into the living room. Akane has grabbed Nabiki and is pounding her hard] Kasumi: STOP IT! Akane: [pauses] She threw my boyfriend out! She called him worthless ! Her boyfriend tricked me! Now I have to KILL THEM BOTH! Kasumi: [takes a deep breath] No. Akane: [glares derangedly] You can't stop me. Kasumi: [walks over] Akane, this isn't like you. You're not a killer. Akane: I deserve my revenge! Nabiki: [weakly] Run, Kasumi. Get Daddy. Maybe he can stop her. Kasumi: If you kill her, Ranma will hate you. Akane: [freezes up] No. Kasumi: He'll think you're just like Shampoo. Worse. She only TALKED about killing. Akane: [shakes her head] No! Ranma loves me! He hates Ryouga and Nabiki too! Kasumi: Ranma would never kill any of his relatives, no matter what they did. He wouldn't hurt someone he loved. Akane: I hate her! She didn't tell me! Kasumi: I had my suspicions, and I never told you either. If you have to kill her, you have to kill me. Akane: [hesitantly] But I.. Kasumi: [steps over] Go ahead. Kill me. I won't fight you. Nabiki: Are you nuts! RUN, KASUMI! Akane: [begins to cry] No, I'm not supposed to kill you. She didn't tell me to... Kasumi: Who told you to? Akane: The woman who saved me from P-chan. Nabiki: ... Kasumi: And what did P-chan do? Akane: He kidnapped me! With magic! Kasumi: Since when did Ryouga know any magic? Akane: But it had to have been him! It looked just like him! Nabiki: [weakly] Someone tricked you, Akane. Akane: [shakes] No, but the lady..she... Kasumi: She tried to use you to kill your friend and your sister. Akane: [looks at the battered Nabiki] Nabiki! Oh god, I nearly... [begins to bawl] I'm sorry! I don't know what I was doing! I can't believe I...I tried to kill Ryouga...I... Kasumi: [hugs Akane tightly] There will be a reckoning. Nabiki: Damn Desire, whatever the hell she is. Kasumi: [frowns] I have had enough of her meddling in people's lives. I'm going to end this. Nabiki: [coughs] Ugh, I hurt. Now I remember why I never pursued this. [to Kasumi] How are you going to end this? Kasumi: I have no idea. [Akane and Nabiki both facefault]