[We see Ranma and Akane walking down the street together. Unlike their usual behavior, this time, they are BOTH walking on the fence.] Akane: Wow, you really can see a lot more from up here. Ranma: That's why I like to do this. It's good balance practice too. [They come to the end of the fence.] Akane: Until this happens. [Ranma leaps off and lands on a crack.] Ranma: Oops. Akane: [leaps down] Oops? Ranma: [thinking] Step on a crack, break your mother's back. [out loud] Just being silly and superstitious. Don't mind me. [He turns and walks under a nearby ladder, then a black cat being chased by a white cat runs in front of him. He dodges and crashes into a deliveryman carrying a mirror. It breaks.] Uh oh... [The deliveryman chases Ranma all the way to the dojo. Akane follows them and looks at the calendar as she goes by it in the kitchen. The date is June 4.] Akane: Urk. An unlucky day. This could be bad. [A monk wanders out of the pantry, holding a string of sausages. He is short, ugly, and sounds rather like Happousai, though he looks different] Monk: [claps his hands] It is fate. I have foreseen a great and terrible event will take place on this day. Akane: Food THIEF! [She picks him up and punts him into orbit.] I wonder who that was. Monk: I got to keep the sausage! [claps his hands and drops the sausage, sighs] Such is fate. ************************* Furinkan Summer #6 "Heeeere's Happy! But will anyone be happy to see him?" By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. **************************** [We see Happy and Cologne get off the boat. Both look like they did when they were around 20 or so. (See episode 5 for why) This isn't much of an improvement in Happy's case. They catch a taxi.] Happy: Take us to the Tendo Dojo! Taxi-driver: What are you, nuts? Only crazy martial artists want to go there. Happy: [pulls out a happo-darikin] You SURE you don't want to take us? Taxi-Driver: YES, SIR! Here we go! [He roars off.] ************************ [We see Kasumi busily packing up in her room. Nabiki walks in.] Kasumi: Hello, Nabiki-chan. Nabiki: Hiya, sis. Excited about your trip? Kasumi: Very excited. [smiles] Gosunkugi-kun and Akemi-chan are really excited too. I hope you won't have trouble staying fed while I'm gone. Nabiki: Well, with Ranma and Genma and Saotome-san gone, we'll have less mouths to feed. Assuming their grandparents leave with them. Kasumi: [laughs faintly] I see you have somewhat more respect for Ranma's mother than father. Nabiki: That surprises you? Kasumi: I feel sorry for Mr. Saotome. No one ever gives him any respect. Nabiki: He doesn't deserve any. Kasumi: Disrespecting someone is not a good way to make them worthy of respect. Nabiki: [blinks] I suppose, but I think respect has to be earned. Kasumi: [tries to close her suitcase, but it springs open] Can you sit on this? Nabiki: [clambers up on the suitcase] Have you ever met Ryouga's father? Kasumi: I think Ryouga hasn't even met him in a few years. [closes the suitcase, which quivers as if it is going to explode. Nabiki scrambles off it] Nabiki: Do you think he'll like me? Kasumi: [smiles] I'm sure he'll like you. You're a very sweet girl. Nabiki: [blinks] Uh, thanks Kasumi. Kasumi: I'm sure he'll be proud of Ryouga getting a nice job, too. Nabiki: Assuming the principal is crazy enough to keep him on next year. Kasumi: Well, we signed renewal contracts yesterday for next year, so we're both set. Nabiki: ... Kasumi: I'm going to be teaching home ec in addition to my duties as chief disciplinarian. Nabiki: [smiles] If you can make them half as good at home management as you are, Furinkan will probably become world famous. Kasumi: [smiles brightly] Thank you, Nabiki. So what are you going to do this summer? Nabiki: We're going to try to find Ryouga's parents. That should take up all our time until I start at Tokyo University in the fall. Kasumi: Are you going to move into a dorm, or stay here? Nabiki: A dorm. I don't want to try to commute. Kasumi: So Ryouga will commute? Nabiki: Ryouga's going to stay here. Dad would explode if Ryouga lived with me, and I'm gonna be in the dorm the first year. I'll probably come home some weekends, and he can always come down for an evening or vice versa. Kasumi: So when's the wedding? Nabiki: [laughs] Not for a while. We're in no rush. [thinking] Well, I'm in no rush. Better to wait and make sure we're gonna last. Ryouga's kinda antsy, though. ************************ [We see Happy and Cologne getting out of their taxi in front of the Tendo Dojo. An old man is walking down the street, and he stops and stares in shock at them. The old man is only a little taller than Happousai, and is fairly balding, but not so balding as Happy used to be.] Old man: So that's where that...I have him now. [smiles] Yes. Our last encounter will be avenged. Steal my techniques, will he? I'll show him. Happousai: [sneezes as he gets out of the taxi, tosses five gold coins to the driver] Keep the change. Taxi Driver: Are these real gold? Happousai: They're real Musk Dynasty gold coins. Stol...borrowed directly from their treasury. Cologne: Come dear, we need to let everyone know we're back. Happousai: [throws two pairs of panties to the driver] Here's your tip. Taxi Driver: Uh, right. Old Man: [sneaks across the street while Happousai is distracted] Time to do a little scouting before I send in my granddaughter. ************************ [We see Shinnosuke and a young girl, who looks to be around age 12. She had long green hair, but is dressed similarly to Shinnosuke, complete with a long broom. They are walking through a field.] Shinnosuke: [looks around] Hey, where did the forest go? Girl: If you tell me you don't know my name too, I'm going to hit you again. Shinnosuke: You're my sister, right? [She whacks him in the head with the broom.] Girl: You're an only child. Shinnosuke: You're my mother, time travelling from the past?" Girl: [whacks him again, sounds irritated] No! Shinnosuke: Oh wait, you're my cousin Hitomi, right? Hitomi: Yes! Shinnosuke: Why do you have a girl's name if you're a boy? Hitomi: BECAUSE I'M A GIRL! [mutters] Geez, I'm glad I didn't inherit the brain damage on your side of the family. Shinnosuke: So where are we...oh, I remember where we're going. Hitomi: [looks stunned] Really? Shinnosuke: We're off to see the Wizard of Oz so he can fix my memory problems, right? Hitomi: Close. We're going to see this wizard that Grandpa heard about, to see if he can fix your brain. Shinnosuke: Maybe he can give you a better temper too. Hitomi: When you can remember who I am for more than five minutes, you can talk about my temper. Shinnosuke: Who are you? [Fade to next scene to the tune of screaming.] ************************ [Akane follows Ranma into the living room.] Ranma: Crazy deliveryman. Well, I'm safe now. Akane: Unless... [The sliding doors slide open. Happousai and Cologne walk in.] Happousai: Did everyone miss me? Ranma: Do I know you? Akane: [thinking] They look vaguely familiar. Cologne: [laughs] They don't recognize us. Happousai: I'm sure that my stunning handsomeness should be recognizable, no matter what age I am. Akane: What stunning handsomeness? Cologne: I am Cologne, and this is Happousai. We took a little trip to Jusenkyo and got ourselves youthened. Ranma: So you turn old and ugly again with hot water? [pauses] Well, I guess it doesn't affect Happy much either way. Happousai: [bounces a travel guide off Ranma's head] HEY! Cologne: [holds up the Musk Dynasty's form locking bucket and ladle] We used this. Ranma: Didn't that thing get buried? Cologne: [rolls her eyes] The amazing thing about burying something is that you can dig it up. Herb waited for everyone to go home, then dug it out. Ranma: Well, keep it away from me. Last thing I want is to be locked in my cursed form. Happousai: What a great idea! [leaps at Ranma, who runs for his life...well, his manhood, anyway. Akane runs after Happousai, and Cologne brings up the rear of the pack] **************** [We see the Nekohanten. Shampoo is adjusting her glasses surreptitiously, while Mousse is busy manning the cash register. We can hear Shelf at work in the kitchen.] Customer: [a sad looking blonde girl, who is somewhere in the fifteen to seventeen range] I'd like to order. Shampoo: [walks over to the girl] What would you like? Customer: I...I want my boyfriend back. [begins to cry] Shampoo: Shampoo afraid that Nekohanten doesn't have boyfriends on the menu. How about some nice pork ramen? Customer: I just...he was in love with...this other girl, and I never realized. I thought he loved me. [begins to cry] Shampoo: [pats the girl on the head] So he lead you on with promises, then dumped you? Customer: [sighs] I fooled myself. It was all in my head. I can look at it now and see that Kasuga-kun never loved me, but... Shampoo: Shampoo understand. Mousse has same problem as you. Mousse: HEY! I HEARD that! Customer: [giggles a little] Is he your brother? Shampoo: Shampoo wish Mousse was brother. Then he couldn't pester Shampoo to marry him. [Before Mousse can reply, Ranma runs in the front door, leaps across the room, and hides behind Mousse, who blinks. Happousai charges in a second later and leaps towards Mousse, who simply sidesteps, then sees the bucket and jumps halfway across the room. Akane and Cologne run in a few seconds later.] Akane: GET AWAY FROM RANMA, YOU OLD LETCH! Cologne: Happy! Stop it! Shelf: [in the kitchen] Oh great. Happousai. [runs out into the dining area. Ranma and Happousai are circling the cash register, watching each other warily. Mousse has grabbed Shampoo and dragged her to the far side of the room] Shampoo: Let go of SHAMPOO! [starts beating on Mousse's head.] Mousse: [deftly steals her glasses] Okay. [lets go. Shampoo runs over to the blonde customer] Shampoo: Leave Ranma alone! [gesticulates wildly at the customer, whose eyes get big. She runs out of the store with Shampoo in pursuit] Shelf: WHAT is going on here? Ranma: Happousai's trying to turn me into a girl permanently with the Musk bucket thing! Cologne: [sees Shelf] Oh, hello! [turns to Happy] Happy-chan! [glomps onto him] What are you doing? You've got me, you don't need to turn Ranma into a girl! He can't marry Shampoo if that happens. Happousai: [snuggles up to Cologne] Hmm. So he'd be my great-grandson-in-law if he married Shampoo? Cologne: Is that a proposal? [Her eyes light up] Shelf: YOU CANNOT PROPOSE TO HER! SHE'S MARRIED TO ME! Cologne: Now, now, Shelf-chan. You know we don't have any problems with polyandry in our tribe. Shelf: I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH IT! I can't BELIEVE you're snuggled up to this perverted little thief! [waves his arms about and jumps up and down. Mousse: [walks over] She accidentally ate love cookies. [thinking] I won't mention it was my fault. Shelf: Oh, ho, ho! Well, then! [runs into the kitchen. Sounds of frantic cooking] Happousai: Sure, I'll marry you, Cologne-chan! [thinking] Then I'll be able to order Ranma to stay still so I can use this bucket on him. [cackles] Akane: [whispers to Ranma] We've got to get the bucket away from him. Ranma: [nods, whispers] You distract him, while I get the bucket. Akane: [shakes her head, whispers] You distract him, I'll get the bucket. It won't do anything to me if he splashes me with it. Ranma: [gestures to Mousse] Yo, Mousse. Mousse: [comes over] Yes? Ranma: That's the Musk dynasty bucket. Mousse: The one that... Ranma: [nods] Guess what he's planning to do with it. Mousse: [has a vision of himself being served by Shampoo as Peking Duck at the double wedding of Shampoo and Ranma and Happousai and Cologne] Not while I live! [he snakes out a chain and grabs the bucket from the distracted Happousai. The bucket flies into Mousse's hands] Akane: [thinking] Guess I won't be needing that diversion. Happousai: HEY! Cologne: Give us back the bucket, duck boy! [charges at Mousse] Shelf: [runs out, carrying a small keg] Here, try out this sake, Happousai. Happousai: I must punish Ranma for theft first! Shelf: [quickly writes on the keg while no one is looking] But it expires in five minutes. You wouldn't want this poor sake to die undrunk, would you? Happousai: That would be a shame. [grabs the keg and starts chugging. Shelf grins] Cologne: Hand over the bucket now, or you'll never marry Shampoo! Mousse: I doubt you'd ever let me marry her anyway. [Cologne leaps at Mousse, staff in hand. He parries the staff, then kicks her across the room.] Mousse: [blinks] Did that really happen? Cologne: You got lucky! [She leaps at him, and they go at it. Amazingly, Mousse has the upper hand, which leaves the spectators confused.] Shelf: I have you now, Happousai! That was my patented knock-out sake! No one can drink that and remain conscious, not even Shower Cap! Happousai: [belches] Hmm. Tasty. Shelf: [blinks] You should be collapsing now. Happousai: You've forgotten the time I drank Shower Cap under the table, I see. [turns and sees Mousse beating up Cologne] Hmm. Am I supposed to hallucinate? Shelf: No, just pass out. Happousai: DIE, MOUSSE! [charges at Mousse, pulling out a happo-darikin. Mousse casually punts him through the ceiling] Maybe I'm dreaming this. Ranma: [watching in awe] Mousse must have been putting in some serious training. Akane: I think something's wrong with Cologne. She's not fighting half as well as she should. Shelf: [walks over and sighs] There are reasons why Cologne and I hadn't used Jyusenkyo to regain our youths before this. The longer she stays fixed in her youthful form, the more she will regress to who and what she was when she was that age. Ranma: She'll be a teenager forever? Shelf: And she'll never be able to change or improve. She'll be locked in more ways than one. Playing around with the age changing pools is not very wise at all. [sighs] ************** [We see Mint and Lime circling over Tokyo in their flying boat. The crew is running around taking care of sailor business.] Mint: Hoist the Mizzenmast! Swing the yardarm! Shiver me timbers! [The crew ignores him and goes about their business] Lime: How are we ever going to find the old pervert in this huge city? [The boat shakes and someone howls from the underside of the boat] Voice: MOUSSE! [Mint and Lime look over the side and see Happousai stuck into the side of the boat] Mint: Someone give me a rope. Sailor #1: Here you go. [hands Mint a rope] Mint: Now, get me a fishing pole. Lime: [thinking] I don't like this. [Soon, Lime finds himself being lowered on the rope from the fishing pole down to where Happousai is.] Mint: Now, just pull him out of the building. Lime: I'm going to kill you, Mint. Mint: You can kill me later. [Lime pulls Happousai loose and they haul him up to the deck.] Lime: So where's the bucket and the ladle, Happy? Happy: Mousse STOLE IT! I was tricked! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE! Mint: I remember that Mousse guy. Lime: This won't be too hard. We just need a plan. Mint: We charge in, kick Mousse's butt and take the bucket and ladle. Lime: [thinking] Well, that's somewhat like a plan. *************** [Back in the Nekohanten, Cologne is suspended by a chain, hanging from the ceiling. Shelf is nearby, reading a book. Akane, Ranma, and Mousse are seated at a table nearby, eating ramen.] Cologne: Let me down! I have to go find Happy-chan! Shelf: [paging through the book] As soon as I find the cure for those cookies, I'll be happy to. Akane: I guess we ought to head home. Ranma: Good luck putting your wife's head back together, Shelf. Did Conditioner already go back to China? Shelf: She's off having a drinking duel with some red-headed girl she encountered in a bar with a weird name. Akane: What bar? Shelf: Chachacha, or something like that. She was ranting about finally finding a worthy apprentice or something. If we're lucky, she'll never return. Cologne: Don't bet on it. Shelf: Ah! This should do it. [pokes Cologne in the leg] Now what do you think of Happousai? Cologne: [looks shifty] What have you done with my precious? Gollum. [a weird swallowing noise] Shelf: Okay, not THAT pressure point. ************ [We see Nabiki up on the roof of the dojo, looking around.] Nabiki: RYOUGA! [Ryouga taps her on the shoulder] Ryouga: Yes, dear? Nabiki: [starts, nearly falls off the roof. Ryouga easily snags her with one hand] You weren't up here a moment ago. Ryouga: I wasn't? Nabiki: Anyway. I understand you signed a renewal contract at the High School? [sounds ever so slightly tense] Ryouga: [nods] It was that or a haircut. Nabiki: [blinks, then laughs a little] He threatened to cut your hair if you wouldn't sign? Ryouga: He threatened to shave you bald. Nabiki: And how did he propose to do that? I've graduated. Ryouga: You think that would stop him? Nabiki: Good point. We need to find your father, Ryouga. Ryouga: Unless you've got access to spy satellites, we could spend forever looking for him. [sits down and sighs] Nabiki: Hmm. Ahh! [takes his hand] We can discuss our future on the way. Ryouga: On the way where? Nabiki: [starts humming 'We're off to see the Wizard'] ************ [It's dinner time at the Gosunkugi household. Mr. and Mrs. Gosunkugi, Hikaru, and Akemi are eating dinner, which is soup and fried vegetables.] Mrs. Gosunkugi: Did you pack your underwear? Hikaru: Yes, Mom. Mrs. Gosunkugi: Did you pack your toothbrush? Hikaru: Yes, Mom. Mrs. Gosunkugi: Did you pack your teddy bear? Hikaru: [blushes] Yes, mom. Mrs. Gosunkugi: Did you watch all the videos I rented you so you would know how to act? Hikaru: Yes, mom. [pauses] Are you sure they still act like that? Mrs. Gosunkugi: Some of those were made recently, so I'm sure they're accurate. Hard to believe they're still so crazy in America, but... Mr. Gosunkugi: Given the number of shootings and whatnot you hear about, it doesn't surprise me. [turns to Akemi] Did Aiko give you the new dresses? Akemi: [smiles] And the boots and the hat, yes. Mrs. Gosunkugi: Bring us back some new pictures! Hikaru: No problem, Mom. [The doorbell rings] Akemi: [gets up and answers the door] Hello? Nabiki: Hi, we need you and Gosunkugi's services. Akemi: Okay, we'll be done with dinner pretty soon. ************ [Akane and Ranma are in the process of leaving the Nekohanten as the ceiling shatters, and dozens of Musk Dynasty warriors burst through the ceiling.] Ranma: What the... Shelf: Huh? [Five of the warriors charge Mousse, who begins battling with them. Others peel off to attack Shelf, Ranma, and Akane. Lime drops through a hole, knocks down Cologne, and carries her off.] Ranma: Hey! What's going on? Warrior: [charges Ranma with a sword] You are confederates of the notorious criminal and bucket thief Mousse! DIE! Ranma: [sidesteps and punts the Warrior back into the horde] Thanks, I'll pass. Akane: We didn't steal the bucket! [drops low and swipes the feet of another warrior, then kicks him in the face] [Mousse gets knocked down and carried off by some of the warriors. Shelf is easily fending off his assailants. Mint engages Ranma, and they begin trashing the store in a massive fight] Mint: We meet again! Ranma: And you still stink. [dodges a flurry of punches by ducking under them and punching Mint in the stomach. Mint: [oofs and bends over] Hey! Ranma: And now...[he is cut off as Shampoo reappears and attacks him from behind.] Shampoo: MOUSSE! No attack Ranma, Mousse! Ranma: [now overmatched by the combination of Mousse and Shampoo's onslaughts.] HEY! I'm Ranma! Shampoo: Mousse no can trick Shampoo with voice imitation! Real Ranma not so blurry! Akane: That's really Ranma you're pummeling! [Lime returns and snags Ranma with a lasoo while he is distracted fighting on two fronts. Ranma gets hauled up through the roof. Shampoo is carried off as well, still cursing Mousse.] Ranma: [thinking] I don't know whether I should be mad or glad about this... Akane: RANMA! [Lime casually punts Akane out the door.] Lime: Time to go, Mint. Mint: Hey, I was winning! Lime: You can practice on him later. [They both grab ropes and ride up out of sight. Before they go, Shelf tosses what looks like a prayer ribbon onto Lime's back. It shines for a moment, then turns invisible.] Shelf: At least Conditioner wasn't here to see this. [The door opens and Conditioner walks in with a red-haired girl, who looks to be around 20. They are both soused.] Conditioner: Looks like you got your butt kicked. Shelf: [sourly] It might have been different if you had been here instead of getting drunk. Conditioner: Yeah, I would have helped them take my lazy, worthless great-grandnephew! Then I'd be riding in a magic boat instead of having to listen to you. Shelf: [sighs] Here, have some sake. [hands her the jug Happy drank from.] Conditioner: [chugs it] Hmm. Not bad. [passes out] Apprentice girl: [grabs the jug and tries to take a deep draught] Hey! It's all gone! Shelf: Well, I don't feel completely useless now. ******************* [We see Nabiki, Ryouga, Hikaru Gosunkugi and Akemi up in Gosunkugi's room.] Gosunkugi: So, what can I do for you? Nabiki: We need to find Ryouga's father. Gosunkugi: He's lost? Ryouga: [sighs] Did you really have to ask? Akemi: Gonna ask his permission to marry Nabiki? Ryouga: [blushes] Uh... Nabiki: [pulls out a wad of bills] You'll need some spending money on your trip, so... Gosunkugi: Get the magic answer ball, Akemi. [She digs around in the closet and finds a small black ball with a foggy window. A little triangle can be seen with pale writing, 'Ask a wombat later'. She hands it to Gosunkugi, who shakes it.] Gosunkugi: Oh mighty answer ball, where is Ryouga's father? [The word 'Yes' floats to the top.] Nabiki: [frowns] That's an answer? Gosunkugi: Hmm. He's at a Yes concert. Ryouga: ... Nabiki: If you don't take this seriously... Gosunkugi: Magical divination is often enigmatic. Get the Updated I'Ching, Akemi. [Akemi digs a book out of a messy pile in one corner, then gets eight ornate coins with holes in the middle, a pair of six sided dice, a foursided die, and a ticket to a U2 concert.] Gosunkugi: [takes the items, and hands the ticket and the dice to Ryouga, and the coins to Ryouga] Now, toss them into the air. [They do so] Akemi: [looking at the fallen objects] Heads-Tails-Heads-Heads-Heads-Three-Tails-Tails-Snake Eyes-Heads-Bono. Gosunkugi: Hmmm. [paging through the book] Are you sure it's not Heads-Tails-Heads-Heads-Tails-Three-Tails-Tails-Snake Eyes-Heads-Bono? Akemi: [looks carefully] Nope. Ryouga: What would that have meant? Gosunkugi: Either you would have met Susan Sarandon and been adopted by her, or that your father was living on Barsoom. However, what we actually got was: Heads-Tails-Heads-Heads-Heads-Three-Tails-Tails-Snake Eyes-Heads-Bono Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head. Fish. Giant Carrots. Alien spaceships. The wreck of the Marie Celeste. Elvis. Men who turn into pigs. Pigs who turn into men. Lumberjacks. Viva Las Vegas. Yes concerts. Lost fathers. Meeting Buddha on the road and killing him. Meeting Buddha on the road and giving him a ham sandwich. The Wombat sutra. Catherine Romanova. The Popmart tour. Selling out. Loss of a band having any purpose in living. Nancy Drew. Successful marriages to a travel agent. Jyusenkyo curses. Heavy rain. Bad haircuts. Transformation sequences. Highlander 2. Movies that should never have been made. Heaven's Gate. Ishtar. All Elvis movies. Rita Hayworth. Marrying Rita Hayworth. Getting Divorced from Liz Taylor. Las Vegas. Flooding. Ama Gadda Da Vida. Harry Belafonte. John Denver. Chris Claremont. Atlantis. Ancient Judo Masters. Kung Fu--the movie, but NOT the series. What have I got in my pockets? Sell Exxon stock NOW. [takes a deep breath] Ryouga: There's MORE? Gosunkugi: Musk Dynasty attacks. Curse-locking buckets. Mariel Hemingway. The French Riviera. Geraldo Riveria. Spoon. People named Nabiki in bunny suits. Nabiki: I think you're making this up! Gosunkugi: [shows her the place he's reading from] As I was going to Saint Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven credit cards, and every credit card was at its limit. How much debt was going to Saint Ives? Sheriff Lobo. Porky Pig. Babe. Flash Gordon-- the newspaper cartoon, not the movie. Timothy Dalton. [takes a deep breath] Okay, now we interpret this. Ryouga: My father went to Vegas to attend a Yes Concert and married Rita Hayworth? Nabiki: Isn't she dead? Akemi: Maybe he met Buddha on the road. Gosunkugi: Do you know any travel agents? Ryouga: My uncle runs a travel agency. Akemi: Is he married? Ryouga: She was a lion tamer. [pause] Not a very good one. Nabiki: That's awful! Ryouga: The last we saw of her, the lions carried her off to the jungle and were teaching her to play fetch. [sighs] Nabiki: ... ************** [We see Akane and Shelf trying to plan their next move. They are outside, watching Mint and Lime's ship slowly drift west. They can hear fighting from the ship.] Akane: The only person I know who can fly is on the ship. Shelf: I don't suppose you've got any reindeer, do you? Akane: ... Shelf: Well, I've got magic feedcorn that enables reindeer to fly. Akane: Hmm. The Zoo has reindeer, but... Shelf: Time to visit the Zoo! Akane: [thinking] I've got a bad feeling about this. ************** [We see Gosunkugi and company standing over a Scrabble board. Various chits are strewn across it, some face up, others with the letters buried. We can see several words. 'Vegas', 'Yes', 'Bad Haircut', 'Elvis', 'Rita', and 'Dad'. Many meaningless letters are scattered about forming no coherent patterns as well.] Gosunkugi: Looks like your father is living in Vegas with Elvis and/or the band Yes. Akemi: And has a bad haircut. Gosunkugi: And may have married Rita Hayworth. Ryouga: But what about my MOM? Gosunkugi: [shakes the answer ball] What about Ryouga's mom? [The words 'Nothing can stop the GORFIAN robots' float to the top. He sighs and shakes it again. This time, 'She's recording an album in Los Angeles' came to the top.] Gosunkugi: She's recording an album in Los Angeles. Nabiki: If this is all a joke, I'm going to kill you all. Ryouga: If this isn't a joke, I may kill myself. [The stereo downstairs comes on, and a voice begins singing loudly, and well in English.] Ryouga: MOM! [faints] ********************** [We see Shelf, Akane, and Ukyou riding in a sleigh being pulled by eight reindeer. The humans, but NOT the reindeer, are all dressed in Santa suits. Ukyou is wearing a bandolier of spatulas over hers.] Ukyou: [looks at her outfit] Was this REALLY necessary? Shelf: They won't get suspicious if they see Santa Claus. They won't be expecting an attack from him. Akane: But it's June. Shelf: We're on a supplies run. Ukyou: I should have said no when you two came by to get my help. Akane: Ranma needs our help. Ukyou: [sighs] I know. [pauses] Where'd you get this sleigh, anyway? Akane: Dad rented it last Christmas and sorta never took it back. Ukyou: Why haven't they come for it yet? Akane: He identified himself as living in Osaka on the rental form. Ukyou: ... Akane: It was Mr. Saotome's idea. [The flying boat draws into sight. It is flying over the ocean now, and they are about to run out of land.] Ukyou: How long can these reindeer fly? Shelf: The part of the label that says how long got torn off back in 1949 when we first used this stuff fighing the Red Army. I'm pretty sure we stayed airborne for at least six hours. Ukyou: Where did you find reindeer in China? Shelf: Pool of drowned reindeer. Ukyou: How did a reindeer get to Jyusenko? Shelf: Maybe the octopus was carrying it. ************* [Back at Gosunkugi's house] Gosunkugi: [sitting at his computer] Ahah! Here we go. [points to the screen] Nabiki: [reading off the screen] Ken Hibiki, noted Elvis impersonator, now will have his own stage show, starting March 23, in the Golden Potato Hotel and Casino, in downtown Las Vegas. [There is a picture of what looks like Elvis with a yellow and black headband under the story] Wow, he does look like Elvis. Ryouga: I guess we're going to Las Vegas. Nabiki: I'm surprised he can make it to his gigs on time. Akemi: Maybe he uses a guide dog. ************************** [We see a backstage area.] Stage Manager: He's LATE AGAIN! Lighting Tech: He'll make it just before the show. He always does. Probably hanging out with his wife. [There is a crashing noise from deeper backstage.] Lighting Tech: Ahh, here he comes. [We see a man who looks like Elvis with a yellow and black headband, clad in the classic 'old Elvis' look. He is being dragged on a leash by a cat.] Man: Ahh, here we are. Stage Manager: Ken! You're on in five minutes! Ken Hibiki: C'mon, Dave. You know Rita here never lets me be late. [A big shaggy friendly dog barrels out of the darkness and crashes into the Stage Manager. He flies backwards into a huge baloon of Wayne Newton, which falls on him.] Dave: I hate my job. [The dog drools on him] Ken: [pats the dog] Don't hurt the stage manager, Runt. Dave: Why did you name him Runt when he's huge? Ken: [shrugs] It's his name. That's what he said, anyway. Dave: [thinking] I hate this city. ************** [On Mint and Lime's boat] Mint: I still think 'The Good Ship Lollypop' is a good name. Lime: I still think you're having a drug flashback. [They glare at each other.] Ranma: [chained up in a cage] How about naming it the HMS 'Doubletwit Twins'? Mint: Oh, you think you're funny, eh? I'll show you funny! [opens a cask] Guess what this holds? Ranma: Your brain? Mousse: Monkeys? Shampoo: Love Potion #9? Happousai: PANTIES!!!!! Cologne: Do we get a prize? Lime: It probably is Mint's brain. Mint: You're close, Mousse. This is water from the pool of the drowned sea monkeys. [pours it into the bucket] Ranma: How do you drown a sea monkey? Happousai: A what? Monkeys don't live underwater. Mint: [takes the ladle and grins] I guess we'll find out. [he tosses a ladleful of water onto Ranma who howls and transforms into Davey Jones] Ranma-DJ: I think you misread that label. Cologne: Well, Davey Jones' locker is at the bottom of the sea, but... Mint: [frowns] Well, I guess we'll have to use the backup. Lime: If you splash our victory sake all over them... Mint: [opens another keg] I don't even know what this is. Happousai: [beginning to sweat] I need...panties. I...I'm starting to go into withdrawal. Lime: Too bad. Mint: We'll use THIS on the bucket thief! Happousai: Nice seeing you, Mousse. Mint: The first one. [He is just about to douse Happousai when a crewman taps him on the shoulder] Crewman: Sir. Mint: Yes? [The crewman points at the sleigh and its Santa-suited passengers.] Lime: It's Santa! [runs over] I've been a good boy, I have! Mint: [puts down the ladle into the bucket and runs over] Wow, Christmas came early this year! [They both stare at Santa's helpers.] Lime: Do we...get them as our presents? [drools a little] Akane: NO! Ukyou: [leaps onto the boat and runs towards Ranma] RANMA! Shelf: [hands stockings to Lime and Mint] Here you go. [They eagerly open the stockings and boxing gloves on springs slam out and send them flying.] Akane: [follows up the spring with a kick that sends Mint flying off the far side of the boat] I'm afraid you've been BAD this year! Ukyou: Coal in your stockings for everyone! [She unleashes a hail of spatulas, sending the crew running for cover.] Lime: [leaps back and begins focusing his chi] Giant... [Shelf charges him and engages him, trying to disrupt the Chi attack. He succeeds, smacking Lime around with a long board. Meanwhile, Akane and Ukyou liberate the prisoners. Unfortunately, Happousai immediately sprints for the bucket, racing with Ranma, while Cologne launches herself at Mousse again.] Cologne: I'll show you who's boss here, DUCK BOY! Happousai: THE BUCKET IS MINE! Ranma-DJ: I don't think so. [despite his big words, Happousai is clearly in the lead] Happousai: [throws a happoudarikin, which hits Ranma-DJ, blasting him halfway across the deck] The bucket is MINE! MINE! MINE! [pauses to laugh maniacally] Ukyou: Mine. [hefts the bucket and ladles the water onto Happousai, who turns into a hundred monkeys, which scatter everywhere] ... [Two dozen of them close in on her, and she responds by dumping the rest of the water in the bucket over the side and leaping up onto one of the masts and scrambling up it with dozens of monkeys in pursuit. Unseen, Mint climbs up a rope on the far side of the ship] Ranma-DJ: [busy boggling and looking charred] This shouldn't hurt so much. Akane: [busily malleting monkeys trying to climb on her and into her clothing] It must have been the pool of drowned monkeys! Shelf: The pool of a drowned barrel of monkeys, to be precise. Akane: ... ************* [Time has passed. The sun has set, and far off on the horizon, we can see the shore. A half moon is shining down on a continuing brawl. Most of the crew is scattered unconscious across the deck. Shampoo-kitty is up on one of the sail-beams, hissing at three Happy-Monkies. Mousse has just finished stringing up Cologne, who looks frustrated, from another sail-beam. Shelf has put Lime in one of the cages, along with most of the Happy-monkies. Ranma-DJ, Akane, and Ukyou have Mint trapped at the edge of the ship.] Ranma-DJ: Give it up! Mint: [grins] I know a little secret. Ranma-DJ: What's that? Mint: Unless you get the kettle, you're going to be very weak. Ranma-DJ: [looks worried, thinking] I do feel kinda weak. Ukyou: You're lying! Mint: You're stuck in Davey Jones' body, and he's not exactly a trained martial artist. Sure, you may remember how to fight, but your body doesn't and it's pretty puny. And there's an important consequence of that. Akane: What? Mint: You can't stop me from doing...THIS! [suddenly lunges forward, grabs Ranma-DJ and punts him across the ship and over the far side.] Ukyou and Akane: RANMA! [They run after him. He is plunging towards the ocean. They both jump into the sleigh.] Ukyou: DIVE! [The reindeer plunge down towards Ranma, galloping at full speed. They pull alongside Ranma, then dive under him. Akane catches him while Ukyou drives.] Akane: You okay, Ranma? Ranma-DJ: I hope this thing has good brakes. [Up above, Mint turns and begins gathering energy for a chi attack on Shelf and Mousse. Mousse hasn't even noticed him, but Shelf swiftly pivots on one foot and tosses a board. It takes Mint in the chest, and he goes over the side.] Shelf: [walks over to the side, and sees Mint caught one of the ropes hanging over the side and is climbing up it again. He pulls out a knife and brandishes it] Want to see how well this cuts rope, boy? Mint: [holds his hands over his head] I surrender. [pause] Oops. [plummets out of sight towards the ocean below because he let go of the rope] Ukyou: I guess we'll find out. [She pulls on the reins, and the reindeer cut a tight U, arcing around on air and zooming upwards. Too bad sleighs don't come with seatbelts. Akane and Ranma tumble out of the sleigh. Ukyou jumps to the back of the sleigh and manages to catch Akane's hand, hooking her feet on the bench so she doesn't fall out] Hold on tight! Akane: [holding onto Ranma with her other hand] Ugh. Go on a diet, Ranma. Ranma-DJ: HEY! This body may be puny, but it's not fat. Ukyou: You both need to lose weight. [almost loses her grip on Akane's hand] Here, heft Ranma up. [Akane starts to lift Ranma, visibly straining, her jaws clenched, when suddenly, Mint plummets out of the sky and smacks into Akane's head, then Ranma's. He grabs hold of Ranma's leg. Ranma passes out.] Ukyou: [grabs her mega-spatula with her free hand.] Mint, you idiot! Mint: I'm not dumb enough to attack you. Put it away and pull me up, and I'll help pull them up. I don't want to fall to my death, either. [suddenly looks groggy] Then again... Ukyou: Climb up them! Akane: [grits her teeth more] Ugh. [Mint scrambles up them, then grabs onto the bench and clings to it.] Mint: Okay, pull them up and I'll heft them to the bench. Ukyou: [working with Akane, she manages to lift Ranma-DJ up to Mint, who puts him in the footwell.] You're next, Akane. [almost loses her grip again.] Sorry about that. Voice: [heard by Ukyou in her head] If you 'lost your grip', no one would ever know you let her fall. Ukyou: [starts and looks around] What the hell... Akane: What? What's wrong? Ukyou: [pants] I'm getting tired. Voice: If she was gone, Ranma would be yours again. She stole him from you. [For a moment, Ukyou has a fantasy about her and Ranma holding hands at Akane's funeral, of her comforting him, of...] Ukyou: [closes her eyes and shakes her head] No, no, no! I won't do it! Akane: [looks scared] What are you doing, Ukyou? Ukyou: Nothing. [sighs] Mint, try to level this thing out, okay? I don't know if I have the strength left to lift Akane. [Mint takes the reins and pulls the sleigh level.] Ukyou: What a relief. [pulls Akane into the sleigh, just in time for Mint to kick them both over the side.] HEY! [She and Akane are clinging to the sides] Mint: I never said I wouldn't attack you once we got out of the danger of falling to our deaths. Ranma-DJ: Neither did I! [sits up and kicks Mint in the rear, which doesn't do much] What the...TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN! [He unleashes a hail of lightning blows. They look slower than usual, but more importantly, Mint simply ignores them.] Mint: Ahh, feels like a good massage. [moves about so Ranma's blows will strike various parts of his back] Thank you, Ranma. Now, back to business. [By now, Ukyou and Akane are back in the sleigh.] Akane: You got that right! [She and Ukyou strike Mint in unison, sending him over the side and plunging towards the ocean below] Ranma-DJ: Who's driving? [They rush to the reins, just before they are about to crash into the mainmast of the ship, which they circle around to the left. The sleigh turns north and the reindeer zoom off, ignoring any further directions from the reins.] Ukyou: What the? Akane: This had better not be like what happens with lemmings. ************ [We see Shampoo, Mousse, and Shelf on the deck of the ship. They've locked up everyone else, including all the Happy-monkies. Mousse is inventorying casks of Juysenkyo water.] Mousse: [making tick marks on a list] Pool of Drowned Keith Richards. Pool of Drowned Wombat. Pool of Drowned Davy Jones. Pool of Drowned Barrel of Monkies. Pool of Drowned Sea Monkies. Pool of Drowned Smurf. Pool of Drowned Strawberry Shortcake. Shelf: [tries poking Cologne] Did this work? Cologne: [begins thrashing about] ADRIAN! Shelf: Okay, that was the Rocky Point. Let's try this one... Shampoo: [wearing her glasses again, staring off north] We have to go find Ranma! Shelf: Well, the problem is that we locked up the crew and we can't drive this by ourselves. Mousse: So how are we going to land? Shelf: Well, we're heading west, so eventually we should crash into a mountain. Mousse: Maybe I should fly for help. Shelf: To who? Mousse: Maybe throwing all the monkies over the side would help. Shelf: Tempting as that is... ************** [We see Tokyo Airport. Gosunkugi's parents, Soun, Genma, and Nodoka are there to see Kasumi and Gosunkugi and Akemi off. Genma's parents are circulating through the crowd, picking pockets.] Soun: [crying] My baby! My baby is leaving me! Kasumi: I'll be back in a month, daddy. Soun: Promise me you won't change your name to 'Elvis' and become a lounge singer! Kasumi: [laughs] I promise. Soun: Promise me you won't get in any knife fights. Kasumi: ... Nodoka: I don't think that's going to happen, Tendo-san. Genma: [hands Kasumi a bowie knife] But just in case, here's a going away present. Kasumi: Oh my. Soun: WAAA!!!!!!!!! [Meanwhile, Gosunkugi's mom is hugging him and bawling and nagging all at once] G's Mom: Did you pack clean socks? Gosunkugi: Yes, Mom. G's Mom: Did you pack lots of ties? Gosunkugi: Yes, Mom. G's Mom: You did pack the vests and the hats, right? Gosunkugi: I've got everything, Mom. I'll even change on the plane like you said to. G's Dad: You did bring lots of film, right? Akemi: [holds up 20 rolls] We're armed and dangerous. [giggles] Soun: My baby...Don't let anyone challenge you to a gunfight, promise me you... Kasumi: They don't have gunfights anymore, Dad. [thinking] I never should have let him watch those movies. ********** [It is early morning somewhere in a frozen wasteland. Ranma is curled up on the driver's seat, while Akane and Ukyou are clonked out in the back of the sleigh.] Akane: [rolls over and glomps onto Ukyou in her sleep] Ranma... Ukyou: [starts to wake up, realizes someone is hugging her, thinking] Someone's holding me...But...Is it Ranma? [cracks open an eyelid, still thinking] Oh great, it's Akane...gotta get loose. [Ukyou tries rolling away, but Akane slides over and tightens her grip. Ukyou tries to stand up, but Akane's legs are wrapped around her. The grip gets stronger and she starts having trouble breathing.] Ranma-DJ: [sits up and yawns, looks down, and doubletakes] No way. Akane: [mumbles] Ranma, you're so strong. And you look good in a clown suit. Ukyou: [tries not to laugh, thinking] A CLOWN SUIT? Ranma-DJ: ... Akane: [mumbles, squeezes Ukyou tight] And you're so squeezable, like Charmin. Ukyou: [can no longer hold back, so she begins to laugh] Akane: [snaps awake] ACK! [lets go of Ukyou and gets as far away as she can in the back of the sleigh] Ranma-DJ: You think I'd look good in a clown suit? Akane: [blushes bright red] It was a dream. We worked in a circus. I was the strongwoman and you were the clown... Ukyou: [points at the horizon] Hey, is that a castle? [A castle that resembles one of Ludwig the Mad's designs (Think the one from Sleeping Beauty) sits admidst a grove of evergreens. There is a sward of grass around it, on which reindeer are grazing. The sleigh begins to descend] Akane: I don't believe this. Ukyou: At least we're dressed to blend in with the locals. Ranma-DJ: [laughs] I guess you are. ************************* [We see the flying ship. Everyone has clonked out and is sprawled about the deck, asleep. Far off, we can see Kirin's castle. The boat is drifting straight towards it. ] ************************** [We see Kasumi and Akemi on the plane, which is somewhere over the Pacific. There is an empty seat by the window, and Gosunkugi is nowhere to be seen. Akemi is holding a folded bundle of clothing in her lap.] Kasumi: Hikaru-san's mother gave you both special clothing to wear? Akemi: [nods] She was worried about us standing out too much. [The bathroom door opens and Gosunkugi walks out, wearing a cowboy hat, white buttoned shirt, a dark blue vest, blue jeans, boots with spurs, and a pair of holstered pistols, one on each side, on a nice leather belt.] Kasumi: [boggles] How... Akemi: They're actually water pistols. Kasumi: ... Gosunkugi: [comes and sits down, taking off the gun belt since it won't fit right when he's seated] Loaded with Jyusenkyo water mix. Pool of Drowned Mouse, according to the package. Kasumi: [laughs] This will be an interesting trip. *************** [We see Ranma, Ukyou, and Akane surrounded by hundreds of tiny elves with bows pointed at them, standing before a big throne in which Santa Claus sits, looking amused] Fingon (Elf): Santa! We caught some intruders! They had your sleigh! Akane: Hey, we rented that Sleigh in Tokyo! Feanor (Elf): That's what they all say. Santa: Hmm. Let me check my list. [runs a finger down a huge scroll that runs onto the floor, across the room, and out a door. A few feet down the list, he finds what he is looking for] Galadriel (Elf): Let's put them on Barbie breast reduction duty with the last group! Akane: ... Ukyou: I'm not qualified to perform surgery. Feanor (Elf): That's what they all say. You'll learn. [cackles maniacally] You should be happy! Impersonating Santa used to be punishable by eating Fruitcake until you died or gained 1000 pounds. Glorfindel (Elf): Or both. Santa: Hmm. Looks like you've all been pretty naughty this year. Why the property damage alone...Looks like all three of you got coal in your stocking last year too. Ranma: Hey! It wasn't MY fault! Glorfindel (Elf): They ALL say that! Santa: So when you knocked Ryouga through the wall of the Dojo on March 3, it was his fault? Ranma: He attacked me! Santa: After you taunted him and called him P-chan. Ranma: He was sl...[falls silent] I was just defending myself! Santa: Hmm. 52 counts of Assault and Battery for Akane. Akane: [pulls out her mallet, charges forward, then skids to a halt and looks embarrased] Uh... Santa: And that's just counting the ones on Ranma. And for Ukyou Kuonji...oh my. Ukyou: ... Santa: 20 counts of murder, 50 counts of assault and battery, 764 thefts, 12 muggings, 3 counts of arson, five of embezzlement, 3 counts of mass murder, and one parking violation. Ukyou: WHAT? [Ranma and Akane look at Ukyou in horror.] Santa: Oh wait, that's the one who lives in Sapporo. Sorry about that. Ukyou: [faints] Santa: Ahh, much better. Just the usual round of fights and plots to steal people's fiancees and the like. [Akane frowns] Ranma: We haven't done entirely bad stuff! Tuor (Elf): Send them to find the Silmarils! [All the elves start chanting the word 'Silmaril' over and over.] Santa: FORGET ABOUT THE....[takes a deep breath] Don't mind them. They never quite got over that Silmaril business. I know you didn't mean to barge in, so I'm not going to make you stay. Although we could use some help with that doll surgery... Ranma: We've got to go find some friends stuck on a flying ship. Santa: [nods] Yes, the Seven Lucky Gods have imprisoned them. Ukyou: [sits up] Why? Santa: Because that was their boat which Lime and Mint stole, but they don't know who really stole it and when they find who is in control of the boat... Akane: Well, if they lock up Happousai, I say we should let them keep him. Ukyou: [starts to say something, then glances over at Ranma] Ranma: I guess we'll be heading off to find them. If our reindeer will take them. Santa: [hands Ranma a small can] They'll need these. The magic feedcorn for flying only lasts about a day, until they feed on it for a year, and then they can fly forever. Ranma: [takes the can] Thanks, Santa. Santa: Now, try to be good so I don't have to bring you all coal again. Ukyou: Yes, sir. ***************** [The court of the Musk Dynasty. Herb is sitting in court, looking bored. Two peasants are before the throne, each holding one leg of a chicken.] Peasant 1: This is my chicken! Peasant 2: No way, man! He stole my chicken! I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS CHICKEN! [pulls back some feathers] See, I tatooed my name onto its wing! [exposes a meaningless squiggle that looks sort of like a Japanese or Chinese character, but isn't really one] Herb: That's a meaningless squiggle. Peasant 2: IT is not! I made up my own character, because I changed my name! I am now the Peasant Formerly Known as Pepper! Peasant 1: Oh yeah? Well, you can call me the All-Powerful, always right, all knowing and all benevolent peasant formerly known as Salt! Herb: [draws his sword] I will now render judgement. Peasant 1: Oh, is this the Solomon thing where you threaten to chop the chicken in half to see who really deserves it? Herb: This is where I chop both of YOU in half and give you to the chicken. It deserves better. [Both peasants drop the chicken and flee screaming.] Herb: Sometimes I hate my life. [Jalapeno, a tall, heavyset, bearded courtier walks in.] Jalapeno: Bad news, sir. Herb: What is it? More peasants seeking justice? Jalapeno: Lime has been captured by the Seven Lucky Gods. They are planning to execute him. [Pause] Herb: And the bad news is? Jalapeno: They also have the bucket and the ladle. Herb: Gather our men. Time to see if they will give back what is ours and to take it if they will not. **************** End Chapter 6