[We see Shampoo in a field of flowers at the edge of a deep, dark forest. A tall, beautiful green-haired woman stands nearby. Shampoo stares at her and falls to her knees.] Shampoo: Queen Hippolyta! Mother of us all! [grovels] Hippolyta: [offers Shampoo a hand] No need to grovel, child. Shampoo: [takes the hand and gets up] Why have you called me, mother of us all? Hippolyta: You have been the victim of an evil plot. An evil witch has stolen your sight and given away your husband as part of her plan to destroy the amazons. You must destroy her! Shampoo: Akane is a witch? Hippolyta: Not her, but the red-haired one who calls herself Akemi. She and her sorceror seek the death of all my children. They will turn your husband against your nation. Shampoo: [nods] They arranged for Mousse to beat Shampoo? Hippolyta: They made it possible. It was his and her magic which gave you Mousse's blindness. Shampoo: [angrily] Shampoo will make them pay! Hippolyta: Good girl. If you destroy them, you will get your sight back. Shampoo: What about the ugly tomboy and the crazy cook? Hippolyta: They are not your real enemies. Not yet. Shampoo: [nods] Shampoo go find her right now! Hippolyta: Wait! [Shampoo crashes off into the woods. Hippolyta sighs, and unzips herself. Mr. Mujaki, a ugly little dream demon with bad taste in clothing, steps out.] Mr. Mujaki: FINALLY! I was starting to think I was losing my touch. Voice: [cold and androgynous, comes from nearby] She has always been easy to lead by the nose. And a rich prize for me. [for a moment, the voice sounds happy, though in an unpleasant way] Much as it would amuse me to turn them all loose on each other, the first priority is my revenge. I will destroy them for what they did. Mr. Mujaki: What did they ever do to you, anyway? Voice: They thwarted me. No one is allowed to thwart me. Mr. Mujaki: [sarcastically] Could you perhaps be more vague? Voice: It all started thousands of years ago... ***************** Furinkan Summer #7 "Deceptions and lessons. How much trouble can our heros and heroines stir up?" By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. **************************** [We see a tall stone tower standing in the middle of a small village in a valley full of fields of wheat, rye, and barley. There are pastures at the north end, with several herds of cattle. There are people everywhere, clad in simple brown and grey tunics that go down to their knees and gather at the waist with belts. Most of them have fairly dark skin, but their features are more asiatic than negroid. Many have curly black or brown hair, while the rest have straight hair. Inside the tower, a man who shares the curly black hair of the locals, but has huge, disturbing eyes and looks much paler, like a sick version of the locals, is staring into a crystal ball.] Glorindel: All is crumbling, one by one. [sighs] The lights are going out, one by one. Mu has fallen to the Tentacled One and his minions. A good thing I didn't listen to mother and go seek that court wizard position there, I suppose. Raguela: [A blonde demon trapped in a summoning circle halfway across the laboratory. She sounds hopeful as she speaks.]. It's not too late to make a demonic pact to save your valley! Glorindel: You know, the Things from Beyond find a variety of interesting uses for demons. Raguela: [pales slightly] Hey, I'm supposed to be the evil one here! Glorindel: [sighs] I didn't even rate a competent tempter. I feel insulted. Raguela: [puts her hands on her hips] Hey, I've uh...okay, this was my first job. [looks embarrassed] If I get sent back to cataloging souls because of this... Glorindel: [stares into the crystal ball again] The windwalker stalks the neighboring valleys. I think he likes to eat demons for lunch. Raguela: [pales more] Hey, I didn't ASK for this assignment, you know! I wanted to start with something easy, like a peasant, but Marller volunteered me for this! [There is an audible pop and an androgynous figure appears, wrapped in a simple, but expensive red robe of silk.] Figure: Greetings, Glorfindel. Glorindel: Glorindel. No F. I'm hardly an elf, either. [A girl with short black curly hair peeks in the doorway, watching everything.] Figure: That's not your real name, though. Glorindel: No sorceror in his right mind reveals his real name. [makes a hand gesture and the girl with the short black hair pulls out a very large mallet] So what can I do for you, Desire? Desire: You want something. I like people who want things. I can give you what you want...for a price. Glorindel: And what price might that be? Desire: You must break your oaths of self-restraint. Glorindel: If I do that, I'll lose my powers. I have not eaten for three years, nor drunk for the same time. Neither have I...anyway, you get the idea. Desire: I can give you new powers. Glorindel: Dependent on your whim. Desire: As everything should be. [looks over at Raguela] I will give you her, if you agree. She is lovely, is she not? Raguela: Hey, you don't own me! Desire: Silence. You are a pathetic grovelling fool, cast down for disobedience. You will obey, or I will destroy you. Raguela: [frowns and mutters] Damn Endless...they always think they're right. Desire: We are always right. Glorindel: I still say no. Desire: If you do not take my offer, your valley will be destroyed. Glorindel: I fight and die by my own strength. [gestures again] [Raguela sees the curly haired girl slowly creeping across the room, mallet raised high. Raguela looks over at Desire, then at the girl, who is miming 'be quiet', and grins, sitting back.] Desire: [angrily] Then you have sealed your fate. I should sit back and let you be destroyed, but I've always been impatient. A flaw, I suppose, but I enjoy it. [raises her hands] Girl: [leaps into the air and mallets Desire in the head. Desire blinks, then crumples] I can't believe that worked. Glorindel: Law 52. Nothing can stand before the wrath of a woman with a mallet, Lallia. [starts drawing another circle on the ground] ************ [Back in the dream field] Mr. Mujaki: Yeah, I'd be kinda mad if someone did that to me. Desire: I've been working on breaking them, inch by inch. I've destroyed their lives over and over, finally snaring her into becoming one of my servants, my tulpas, in order to preserve his miserable life. So of course, he was killed by a nomad attack the next day. [grins] But it wasn't MY doing. Mr. Mujaki: But she broke free. Desire: Without even knowing what she was doing. It would have been so sweet, to use her to destroy him...but it didn't work out. [frowns] She thinks she is free. I will crush them! Mr. Mujaki: [shrugs] As long as I get what I want, it doesn't matter to me. You'd better keep up YOUR end of the bargain. Desire: [smiles] Now, now, Mujaki. I always keep my bargains. [grins] ****************** [We see Akemi, Gosunkugi, and Kasumi disembarking at the Austin Metropolitan Airport. Akemi and Gosunkugi seem to be dressed to star in a cowboy movie, complete with big white hats and 'pistols' (actually water pistols)] Kasumi: [looks around] Hmm. Someone was supposed to pick us up. [A woman pushes through the crowd. She is a cute teenage blonde, with one odd quirk: what look like racoon or panda ears poke up through her hair, as well as a set of ordinary ears.] Woman: [stares, speaks in Japanese] Hi, are you Kasumi Tendo, Akemi, and Hikaru Gosunkugi? Kasumi: [blinks] You don't look much like your pictures, Ichi. Woman: [laughs] My name is Asrial. Nice to meet you. Ichi is sick, and she doesn't have a car, anyway, so I kinda got sent to pick you up. [looks over at Akemi and Gosunkugi] Planning to star in a 'High Noon' remake? Gosunkugi: [looks at all the people, none of whom are dressed anything like him, except for one man who is wearing a cowboy hat and boots] Umm...We wanted to blend in. Asrial: I hope everything you brought doesn't look like that. Gosunkugi: Umm...I have the clothes I wore onto the plane... Asrial: ... ************** [We see Ranma-DJ (For those who missed Episode 6, Ranma has been splashed with water from the pool of Drowned Davy Jones (of Monkees fame) and locked in that form by the Musk Dynasty's bucket and ladle that lock curses. As to why they're riding in a sleigh...), now dressed in a Santa Suit, along with Akane and Ukyou, also dressed in Santa Suits. Ranma is also wearing a fake white beard, has a pillow stuffed under his shirt, and is practicing 'ho ho hos' Akane and Ukyou are wearing Lee Press-On Elf Ears and contact lenses that give them golden irises. The sleigh (pulled by eight reindeer) is zooming over rice paddies.] Akane: If this works, they're the stupidest people on Earth. Ranma-DJ: Hey, if I could convince Ryouga I was his sister when he doesn't even HAVE a sister... Ukyou: [looks at the pile of presents] Hey, there's a present for Kasumi here! And one for each of us. Akane: We can't open them until Christmas, though. Ranma-DJ: You really think they'd survive until then in your house or mine? Akane: Good point. [Ukyou tosses each of them a wrapped package.] ********** [Asrial's flying car zooms into the Feeple family driveway. They have dropped off Akemi and Gosunkugi at Mimi's.] Asrial: Welcome to the Feeple household. Jeremy's mother is from Japan, so everyone will be able to talk to you in Japanese, if you like. Kasumi: That's good. I've been working on my English, but it's very rusty. [starts getting her luggage out of the car] I hadn't realized she was Japanese from Ichi's letters. Asrial: Well, she's actually Russian, but she was raised by a Japanese Ninja clan. Kasumi: ... [There is a shout and Ichi leaps off the roof, in Ninja garb, coming straight down at Asrial. Halfway down, she notices Kasumi.] Ichi: Oh, hi, Kasumi! [Because she is distracted, she gets knocked across the yard by Asrial, who grabs a gun out of her backseat. The two of them go to it, knocking down a tree. The door opens and a woman in a red and black ninja outfit, of a somewhat more sedate style than Ichi's, walks out.] Mrs. Feeple: Nice to meet you, Kasumi. Sorry about that. Kasumi: I'm glad to see Ichi is feeling better. [watches the fight and smiles] It feels like home already. *********** [We see Gosunkugi and Akemi eating lunch at Mimi's house. Aloysius is perched up on top of a filing cabinet, eating a fish.] Gosunkugi: So what do we do first? Mimi: We drill you on some standard magic procedures until you can't stand them anymore, and then I'm going to teach you some cosmology, so you don't run into anything and get yourself in over your head. You'll know when to run and when to run really fast. Akemi: So, are we really dressed wrong? Mimi: Well, I could loan you some clothing. Gosunkugi: Mom watched some modern American movies, to see what it was like. Mimi: Like what? Gosunkugi: Umm...Desperado. Young Guns. Silverado. Let's see, what else... Mimi: ... ***************** [We see a bandage swathed Ichi up in her bedroom, lying on the bed, while Kasumi puts a cold compress on her forehead.] Ichi: Thanks. Kasumi: I could probably pass a nursing test without going to class with all the first aid I have to do at home. Ichi: They're still beating each other up and trashing your house all the time? Kasumi: I suppose if they ever stop, we wouldn't know what to do for entertainment anymore. Ichi: [laughs and stretches, then groans] I can't believe I got beat this badly. Kasumi: So why were you attacking her? Ichi: She...uh... [frowns] I can't remember. Kasumi: [raises an eyebrow] You can't remember? Ichi: Well, Susan came over to hang out with Jeremy and I, and we were playing cards and...I'm not sure what happened next. [frowns, rubs her head] Must be this boot to the head I took. Kasumi: And Susan is? Ichi: Our new neighbor. A rather hapless social reject, but very sweet. Her parents are gone all the time. I haven't seen them since two days after she moved in. They take long vacations and leave her behind. Kasumi: [smiles] It's nice of you to befriend her. Ichi: I'm sure she'll be around a lot. Kasumi: [starts rolling up bandages and putting them away] So you and Asrial are competing for Jeremy's heart still? Ichi: [sighs] I'm starting to think of giving up. He's a nice guy, but he's not the only fish in the sea. It's just...everything I try, doesn't work out. Not that Asrial is doing much better. Kasumi: I can't see why he doesn't like you. Like that, I mean. Ichi: [smiles] Thanks, Kasumi. ************** [We see Shinnosuke and his cousin Hitomi (age 12) knocking on the Gosunkugi family residence's door.] Mrs. Gosunkugi: [answers the door] Can I help you? Shinnosuke: Yes. Mrs. Gosunkugi: how? Shinnosuke: I have no idea. Hitomi: [clonks him in the head with her broom] We're looking for the great and powerful Wizard of Nerima. Mrs. Gosunkugi: I'm afraid we don't have one. The Schneiders next door might. Hitomi: ... Shinnosuke: Have what? [Hitomi sighs.] *************** [Days have passed. We see Gosunkugi and Akemi in the backyard of Mimi's house. They are both trying to walk on their hands around a small pecan tree that is only a few years old. Both are dressed in what look like Pilgrim outfits. Gosunkugi's hat keeps falling off.] Gosunkugi: Is this REALLY necessary? Mimi: It's the only way to do it without a human sacrifice. Akemi: [falls over on Gosunkugi] We're never going to manage to make it around this pecan tree going widdershins seven times. Aloysius: [picks up the hat with his teeth and hands it to Gosunkugi] It's easy! [thinking] And if it works, I won't have to spend all my time keeping squirrels away from the pecans. Mimi: Actually, now that I think of it, there is another way. Akemi: [hopefully] Yes? Mimi: But you'd have to smear peanut butter all over your body. Gosunkugi: [handstands again and starts walking with his hands] This is just fine. ****************** [We see a nice backyard with a pool. Jeremy, Asrial, Kasumi, and Ichi are there, all in bathing suits. Ichi and Asrial are both wearing bikinis, while Kasumi is in a purple and green flowered one-piece. Asrial is banging on the backdoor.] Asrial: Hey, Susan! [The door opens and Susan steps out. She is dressed in a red bikini, more modest than Ichi and Asrial's, but not by a lot. She has shoulder-length blonde hair and a nice figure, and also very large round glasses that seem constantly on the verge of sliding off her nose.] Susan: Hi! [turns to Kasumi] You must be...[starts] Kasumi. Kasumi: [offers her hand] Nice to meet you. Susan: [hesitantly shakes hands, sounds shy] Nice to meet you. You're very pretty. Kasumi: [blushes slightly] Thank you. So are you. Susan: [shakes her head] No, I'm not very pretty. Jeremy: [who is getting up on the diving board] Yes, you are. [Susan smiles shyly. Ichi and Asrial frown in unison.] ************* [We see Gosunkugi and Akemi sitting at a table, still dressed as Pilgrims. Two thick test booklets sit by them, and they each have a twenty-foot long scantron. Mimi is nearby, setting an alarm clock.] Mimi: This will test your magical and cosmological knowledge. Akemi: [looks at the cover] What does TAAS stand for? Mimi: Texas Assessment of Achievement in Sorcery. Standard State test. Akemi: Oh. Mimi: You have three hours. Remember to only use a #1 pencil. Akemi: Not a #2? Mimi: If you use a #2, this corresponds to an elaborate demon summoning ritual and you will be carried off to the Abyss. Gosunkugi: ... ***************** [We see Susan wave goodbye to everyone, then back into her house and slam the door. She takes a deep breath, then lets it out.] Susan: Maybe just once I'll get an assignment where a kami or a boddhisatva or a saint or someone else like that doesn't show up. [sighs] But this isn't it. At least in this mortal body, she can't detect me. I hope. [She goes to the kitchen and gets herself some tea, then goes to the living room and turns on the TV. Desire appears on the TV.] Desire: Report, Debbiegibson. Debbiegibson: Did you REALLY have to give me this stupid name? Even when they kicked me out of Hell for failing too many times, they didn't make me take a stupid name. Desire: Every time a mortal speaks your name, you will gain power from it. Debbiegibson: It also means I'm constantly being distracted by people invoking my name. Couldn't I at least get a cool person's name? Desire: That would require that you know what you're doing. Debbiegibson: If I'm so incompetent, why did you even GIVE me this job? Desire: I was going to destroy you, and you begged for one more chance. Debbiegibson: I should have found a better employer when I... Desire: Who would have taken you? Debbiegibson: Anyway, I have bad news. I think some kind of saint has come to town. Desire: [raises an eyebrow] Tell me more. ************* [We step backwards in time to when Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou brought the sleigh in for the approach to Kirin's castle.] Ranma-DJ: [thinking] I just have to think of it as martial Santa impersonation and I'll be fine. Akane: [now driving] Okay, let's see if I can land this. [She makes a perfect landing on the roof, right by a chimmney.] I still think I should go in with you. Ranma-DJ: He probably doesn't remember Ukyou, and he can't recognize me, but even Ryouga wouldn't be fooled by your current disguise. We can't risk Kirin spotting you. Ukyou: You're also the only one of us who can drive the sleigh very well. Have the engine run...uh, make sure the reindeer are ready on a moment's notice. Akane: [sighs] Good luck, Ranma. Ranma-DJ: [leans over, takes Akane's hand and squeezes it] I'll be back. Ukyou: [sighs mentally] Ranma-DJ: [hefts a bag of presents] Let's go, 'Glorianna'. Ukyou: Yes, Santa. [giggles] [They each step over to the chimmney, carrying a bag, then lay fingers alongside their noses and jump down the chimmney. They land on the head of a cook who was just about to light a fire.] Ranma-DJ: Now we know why Santa waits for night. ********** [We see Ukyou and Ranma-DJ in the cellblock. Most of the prisoners are snoozing or staring at the walls. Shampoo spots them.] Shampoo: Santa Claus? We've been here for six months? Aiya! Mousse: [turns and blinks] Dang. [The Happy Monkies, now locked in a barrel inside a cell, start all making monkey howls at once.] Ranma-DJ: Hmm. Let's see, best way to open these cells... Ukyou: [whips her present from Santa, a Swiss Army Mega-Spatula off her back, and pops out the lock picks. She quickly picks the locks, freeing Shelf, Cologne, Mousse, and Shampoo.] There you go. Cologne: We have to free Happy-chan! Shelf: [thinking] My wife is in love with a barrel of monkies. This is humiliating. Ukyou: I am NOT going to get Happousai out of there. Cologne: I am a matriarch of the Amazons! Ukyou: [leans on her spatula] I'm one of Santa's elves. You want to get coal in your stocking forever? Cologne: Uhh... Mousse: You look rather like... Ukyou: [interrupting him] Distant relative of mine lives in Nerima. Mousse: Oh, okay. Ukyou: [thinking] Getting better sight didn't improve his brain. Ranma-DJ: Ho ho ho, time for Santa to go! [digs in his bag] Oh, here's a present for you, Shelf. Shelf: [unwraps it. It is a spraycan of instant love potion nuetralizer and bug repellant] Thanks, Santa. [sprays down Cologne.] Cologne: [snaps rigid for a moment, then screams at the top of her lungs] AAAHHH!!!! Someone made me fall in love with HAPPOUSAI! Ranma-DJ: They'll be getting coal in their stocking for sure. Let's go. [starts hustling the group along] Shampoo: Did Santa bring Shampoo a present? [Ranma hands her a present. Shampoo unwraps it. It is the Mandarin chinese translation of 'Women carry mallets; Men run for their lives--A guide to relationships'] Shampoo: Shampoo been wanting this! Thank you, Santa! [The doors fly open at the far end of the hallway. Kirin and the rest of the Seven Lucky Gods are there.] Kirin: Ahah. Prisoners escaping. Shelf: We didn't steal your boat! Kirin: [blinks] I don't believe it. Benten: Santa is aiding a jailbreak! Ranma-DJ: [whispers] Run to the roof, everyone! [out loud] Well, I couldn't fit their presents through the bars. [He and Ukyou stride forward with the presents, which they start distributing while everyone else runs. ] Benten: [unwraps her present] Oh wow, Jimmi Hendrix's guitar! Kirin: A LIFE TIME SUPPLY OF PICKLED VEGETABLES AND RICE-A- RONI! All right! [While they are all dancing around, Ukyou and Ranma run off.] ************** [We see Ranma-DJ, Ukyou, and Akane, still all in Santa outfits, in the sleigh, on the roof of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.] Ukyou: We've got to get that kettle from the Musk Dynasty people, Ranchan. [yawns] But right now, I need sleep. Akane: Thanks for helping us out, Ukyou. Ukyou: Anything for Ranchan. You know that. [sighs faintly. The other two look vaguely uncomfortable. Leans over and is about to hug Ranma, but then simply reaches down and take his hand, giving it a squeeze.] Ranma: [quietly] Anything for you too, Ucchan. Ukyou: [smiles a little] Goodnight, Santa. [winks and leaps off the roof] Akane: [takes up the reins] Time for us to get back to the North Pole. [laughs as they go] *************** [Back to the Present. We see Gosunkugi and Akemi sweating over the test.] Gosunkugi: [reading the question to himself] A monster with five blue tentacles, three red tentacles, a wart on the left side of its nose, eight legs, three feet, and a detachable cow is: A) A Wollyump, B) The Second Coming of Elvis, C) Ayn Rand, D) Gorgamel, E) Ugly. [Fills in C] Akemi: [reading the question to herself] Selling your soul to two or more demons or other supernatural beings at once is: A) Incredibly Stupid, B) Incredibly Stupid and Incredibly Dangerous, C) Ayn Rand, D) Profitable, E) a plot thread from both Hellblazer and Dr. Strange. [Fills in B] Gosunkugi: [reading the question to himself] If you are confronted by a succubus, you should: A) banish her with a cross, B) run to Papa Smurf for help, C) offer to give her Ayn Rand, D) have mad passionate sex, E) tell her you don't date girls with bat wings. [Fills in E] Akemi: [reading the question to herself] The Endless are A) Dream, Desire, Death, Delirium, Despair, Destruction, and Destiny, B) Moe, Shemp, Curley, Laurel, Hardy, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, C) Charles Dickens, Robert Jordan, Terry Brooks, James Mitchener, and Ayn Rand, D) ugly and their mothers dress them funny, E) Kool and the Gang. [Fills in A] ************** [We see Kasumi, Ichi, and Susan at the mall. Susan looks very nervous. They are buying clothing. Everyone is speaking English.] Kasumi: [holding up a blue dress to Susan] What do you think, Ichi? I think she'd look good in this. Ichi: [puts a hand under her chin and strikes a thinking pose] Hmm. I think purple is more her color. Kasumi: It would set off her hair. Susan: [tinysweats] You really think so? [thinking] She's taunting me. It's probably holy clothing that will fry me to a crisp. Find her weaknesses, Desire says. I can outswim her. I wonder if that counts. She's got to know I'm a spirit by now. Saints always know. Kasumi: [thinking] Poor girl. She's so shy. [speaking] Try it on. [Susan nervously goes to a dressing booth. Kasumi and Ichi switch to speaking in Japanese.] Ichi: I think you're right, Kasumi. She will enjoy herself, once she relaxes. She's even more tense than usual. Kasumi: I think I'm making her more nervous. [frowns] Ichi: You, make someone nervous? Not unless she's fallen in love with you or something. [laughs] Kasumi: [looks thoughtful] Hmmm. Ichi: I was joking! Geez, you don't ever get my jokes. Kasumi: I've seen weirder things happen. Ichi: You really think she... Kasumi: [holds up a blue blouse] You think this would look good on me? Ichi: Yeah. [Susan steps out] Susan: How do I look? [spins about] Ichi: [switches back to English] You look great! [Kasumi spots Akemi and Gosunkugi, both back in their 'gunslinger' wear. Akemi is looking for clothing, and Gosunkugi is futilely trying to give advice, which is always wrong, of course.] Kasumi: Hi! Akemi: [comes over with Gosunkugi] Hi! Susan: [pales more] Um. Hello. Akemi: [looks at Susan, in English] You to Akemi look like someone she knows. Gosunkugi: Nice to meet you. Ichi: Armed for battle? Gosunkugi: [laughs] Water pistols. Susan: I don't think we've met, Akemi. [bigsweats] Akemi: Mimi grading tests, so we went to buy better clothes. Gosunkugi: Any help you could give us in helping us look normal... Ichi: [thinking] It'd take plastic surgery for you. [out loud] Sure, we'll help. *************** [Mimi finishes grading the tests.] Mimi: Hmmm. Aloysius: So how did they score? Mimi: He should be the familiar and she ought to be the sorceror by this. [sighs] We've got a lot to teach them. [The door opens and they walk in. They are now dressed in 'homeboy' garb. Gosunkugi falls down because his pants are on backwards, and hamper his movement] Gosunkugi: I'm starting to think we should have asked someone else for help. Akemi: [helps him up] Well, this didn't get as many stares as our other outfits. Mimi: Have you studied any cosmology at all, Hikaru? Gosunkugi: I read some books by HP Lovecraft, and I watched Cosmos. Mimi: Go put your pants on the right way, and we'll get down to it. ************** [Mimi is standing in front of a projection screen while Aloysius works the projector. Akemi and Gosunkugi are seated, eating popcorn and taking notes.] Mimi: There are 101 rules of magic. If you know them all, you can accomplish almost anything, and you will know why you can't accomplish the other things. Akemi: Like the 101 Dalmatians. Mimi: Exactly. That movie is actually a heavily coded mystic treatise laying out some of the laws. Gosunkugi: [blinks] You're kidding, right? Mimi: I wish I was kidding. [Akemi and Gosunkugi both tinysweat] Mimi: However, we don't have time to get into the Kaballah, so we'll skip analyzing that film. The first and most basic law is that magic never works unless you believe it will and unless you believe in what you are doing. [The slide projector clicks and a simple black and white picture of the first law appears] Even the most evil of mages believes in what they are doing. This one, I have already taught you. The second one is that everything you do has consequences. These are not always proportionate, for the the tiniest of actions can ripple through the world and produce much larger effects, just as a small stone tossed in a pond can create a wave dozens of feet across. ************** [Back in Japan, we see Shampoo reading through a book labeled, 'The Little Big Book of Horrible Vengeance'. She is taking notes. The following scene is all in Chinese.] Mousse: [sticks his head in] We're about to start our war council now. Shampoo: Go away, Mousse. I'm plotting. Mousse: I thought you wanted to help Ranma. Shampoo: This is to help Ranma. [pushes her glasses up her nose] Mousse: [sighs] He was wondering where you were. Shampoo: Shampoo come out later. Mousse: [thinking] Something is seriously wrong. **************** [We see the army of the Musk Dynasty, surrounding and beseiging the Castle of the Seven Lucky Gods] Herb: Give us back our bucket! Kirin: You sent your men to steal our boat! Herb: We needed it! Kirin: Well, we're keeping the bucket as your boat rental! Herb: You don't have any use for it! Kirin: I'll use it to chill wine! [gestures to Dai-Hakusei] Launch our secret weapon. Dai-Hakusei: That's cruel! Kirin: Not as cruel as us having to put up with them. [A catapult fires a barrel into the Musk Dynasty camp. It cracks open and Happy Monkies erupt, rampaging everywhere.] Herb: CURSE YOU, KIRIN!!!!! [One of the monkies grabs the unlocking kettle and starts to run off with it.] Herb: NOT THIS TIME! [chases the monkey through the anarchy, finally grabbing it. The kettle tips over and pours on the monkey. It turns into Happousai. So do all the other monkeys. There are now a hundred Happousais running around the camp.] Ack. *************** [Cologne is sitting and reading 'Seventeen', while Shelf pores over a map and Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou reminisce about their past encounters with the Musk Dynasty and the Seven Lucky Gods.] Akane: Maybe if we help Herb recover the bucket, he'll let us use the kettle. Ranma: I wouldn't count on it. Ukyou: [glances over at the map] Oz is in China? Shelf: The Red Army tried to invade in '53, but the Deadly Desert killed most of their army and General Gale crushed the remainder. For understandable reasons, the Red Army covered it all up. I think General Liu ended up being turned into a knicknack by Ozma's magic belt. Ukyou: I thought it was on a big island. Shelf: As Confucious said, magical places tend to move without leaving forwarding addresses. Mousse: [comes out] Shampoo won't come out of her room for some reason. Cologne: I'll get her out here. [heads into Shampoo's room] Shelf: Anyway, getting the kettle away from Herb won't be easy. Akane: We should ask first. Shelf: [blinks as if he had never thought of this for a second] An interesting idea. Akane: [thinking] I have a bad feeling about this expedition. ************* [Kasumi, Jeremy, Ichi, Asrial, Susan, and Phrank are playing Truth or Dare at Jeremy's house. For no apparent reason, Phrank is wearing a pair of pants on his head, and Asrial is trying to sit with one foot behind her head. She keeps falling down.] Phrank: Dare. Unless you're going to make me wear something else on my head, too. Jeremy: Hmmm. Okay, Phrank. You have to stand on your head until you pass out. Phrank: ... Jeremy: Hop to it! Phrank: [stands on his head] Okay, my question, right? Jeremy: Right. Phrank: Okay, Kasumi, Question for you. Kasumi: [smiles] Okay. Phrank: So who is the cutest guy you've met here? Kasumi: [blushes] Dare. [thinking] If I say Jeremy, Ichi and Asrial will get mad. Asrial: [mutters] Bad choice, Kasumi. Phrank: [big grin] Okay, your dare is take off your blouse and keep it off for thirty seconds. Kasumi: ... [blushes horribly, notices Susan is watching her intently] Well, I want to be a good sport, so... Jeremy: PHRANK! Phrank: Hey, I'm doing both of the dares I was set to! She doesn't even have to pass out like me! Ichi: You don't have to do this, Kasumi. Pick another dare, Phrank. Asrial: [grins] I have an idea. [scoots over and covers Phrank's eyes] Okay, close your eyes, Jeremy. [closes his eyes] Phrank: That's CHEATING! Asrial: You never said that YOU have to see it. [Jeremy closes his eyes, and Kasumi takes off her blouse for thirty seconds, then puts it back on, blushing bright red. Susan stares at her unblinking in surprise for a moment.] Kasumi: My question now? Jeremy: Yes. Kasumi: One for you, Susan. Susan: [nervously] Okay. Kasumi: Name a boy you like. Susan: [bigsweats] I...uh... [glances at Jeremy, glances at Kasumi, Asrial and Ichi] Phrank: Me, I bet! Susan: Dare. Kasumi: Umm. Ummm. [looks increasingly frantic, thinking] I don't have any good ideas... Ichi: [whispers in Kasumi's ear] Have her trade bras with you. [giggles] Kasumi: [blushes horribly] Oh my. Phrank: [weakly] Make her stand on her head until she passes out. Kasumi: [look of a light coming on] Sing um...Sing Joy to the World while standing on your head. Susan: ... Asrial: Oh, the do two things at the same time trick! Ichi: That's not so hard. Susan: I...uh...don't know it. Kasumi: [pulls a small hymnal out of her purse, pages through it] I bought this so I could practice my English and sing at the same time. [smiles] Susan: You're Catholic? Kasumi: Anglican, actually. Mother was Anglican, Father is sort of Buddhist, and sort of confused, I think. Nabiki never thinks about it, and Akane can't make up her mind. Ichi: Anglican? In Japan? Kasumi: Well, we're not exactly overrunning the nation with sheer numbers. [smiles] But there's close to 200,000 of us. Anyway, [tosses the book to Susan, who holds it as if it was on fire] Susan: [thinking] I should be catching fire. Sing 'Joy to the World' she says. Saints aren't supposed to be sadists, but I can't afford to blow my cover. [stands on her head, speaking] Here we go. Kasumi: [sits back and smiles pleasantly] I really like this song. Susan: [nervously] Joy to the world... *************** [We see Gosunkugi and Akemi in Mimi's laboratory.] Mimi: Now, what you have to do here, is use the principles we've taught you to get the coins in your pocket into Akemi's pocket without physically moving them. Gosunkugi: Any of them at all? Mimi: [smiles] You can move one of them, but that's all. Gosunkugi: [thinks a moment] Ahah! [reaches into his pocket and pulls out one coin, chants briefly, then hands it to Akemi. He concentrates again, and Akemi jumps slightly. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a lot of change] It worked! Akemi: Wow! [thinking] I could feel the power for that flowing through me, but still...it was a bit of a shock. Mimi: And you used? Gosunkugi: Principles of Contagion and Similarity. The coins had been in contact, and the similiarity was the movement of the coin. Mimi: Very good. Now get the coins into my pocket by another method. Akemi: Would clonking you in the head count? Mimi: [blinks] No. Akemi: Claiming a monster ran by and slipping it into your pocket while you're distracted? Mimi: No. Akemi: Summoning a Demon Lord to do it? Mimi: That would be overkill, and foolish. Akemi: How about sleight of hand? Mimi: Such as? Gosunkugi: Check your pocket. [Mimi pulls out the coins] Mimi: Very nice. Now let's try it with MAGIC. Gosunkugi: [tinysweats] ************** [Susan sits back down, looking dizzy, and tosses the hymnnal back to Kasumi.] Susan: [incredibly nervous] My question? Kasumi: [smiles] You sing well, Susan. Susan: Uh, thanks. [turns to Jeremy] So Jeremy, who do you think is the prettiest girl in the room? [Asrial and Ichi pivot and STARE at Jeremy. He begins to sweat.] Jeremy: I...uh...Dare. Susan: Kiss the prettiest girl in the room. Jeremy: ... Phrank: [still on his head] Hey, you can't turn the question into a dare to the same point! That's cheating. [wobbles] I think I'm about to go thunk. Jeremy: [breathes a great sigh of relief] Whew. Susan: Right. Kiss Kasumi then. Kasumi: [big eyes] ... Jeremy: ... [Ichi and Asrial both look about to explode. Kasumi glances over at them, and recognizes a familiar situation.] Kasumi: [leans over and whispers to Jeremy, who smiles] I...I'm ready. [Asrial and Ichi are going for their weapons as Jeremy leans over and quickly pecks Kasumi on the cheek. She blushes horrendously anyway. Asrial and Ichi look tense, but sit back down.] Jeremy: Uh...my question? Phrank: Someone catch me! [flops over, and everyone simply gets out of the way, except Kasumi, who tries to catch him, but slips on a pillow and flies across the room, out of control, crashing into Susan on the couch. The couch flips over and they end up face to face, lips about an inch apart] Kasumi: I'm so sorry! I didn't see that pillow. Susan: [thinking] Sure you didn't. [Everyone rushes around. Ichi helps Kasumi up.] Kasumi: I'm really sorry. Susan: [gets up] I think I need to go home now and take a nap. I'm tired. [strides off] Kasumi: [runs after her] I really didn't mean to do that! Susan: [stares at her silently, then leaves] Kasumi: [sighs] It was an accident. Ichi: I know. We can bake her something later, so you can take it to her as an apology. I think she's just a little too shy to play this game. Kasumi: [thinking] So am I. ************* [We see Akane back in her bedroom.] Akane: Well, THAT was a disaster of a planning session. [sighs, reaches onto her desk and pulls a book off it. It is titled, 'Cooking for Tomboys'. She sighs] Even Santa makes fun of my cooking. [pages idly through it, and begins to smile] Hmmm...I think the oven is calling me. ************** [At the Saotome household, Genma's parents and Genma are watching TV.] Grandpa: Hmm. This Crayon Shin-chan reminds me of Genma, but more mature. Genma: [fumes] Grandma: Now, dear, Genma graduated past juvenile pranks a long time ago. Genma: [smiles] Grandma: He never quite made it out of adolescent pranks, but... Nodoka: [walks in] You two had better be careful. I just put out some rat poison. Grandpa: [drops the cheese he is eating, screams, and runs out of the room] Genma: Nice joke dear. Nodoka: That wasn't a joke. [Genma screams and runs out of the room. Nodoka looks expectantly at Grandma.] Grandma: That was one thing he didn't learn from ME. [Ranma-DJ walks in, looking depressed.] Grandma: I take it the planning session went badly? Ranma-DJ: It turned into a brawl. Grandma: [gets up] Let me give you a hug. [hugs him tightly] Ranma-DJ: Can I have my wallet back, Grandma? Grandma: [blushing] You're much more clever than your father. [hands over the wallet] Ranma-DJ: And the money. Grandma: [smiles] Here you go. Ranma-DJ: [tosses a wallet to Grandma] And here's yours. Grandma: Such a CLEVER boy! Nodoka: [gives a strangled cry and stomps out] Ranma-DJ: I'd better go see to Mom. [runs after Nodoka into the kitchen] Mom, are you okay? Nodoka: My son is a pickpocket! Ranma-DJ: Only with Grandpa and Grandma. You know that. They cry if I don't. Nodoka: It just...It just isn't right. Ranma-DJ: Then throw them out. This is your house, not theirs. Nodoka: I can't throw out my husband's parents! Ranma-DJ: Do you think you're going to convince them to stop stealing? Nodoka: [sighs] I'll teach water to run uphill first. Ranma-DJ: [walks over and puts a hand on his mother's shoulder] It's like I learned, living with Dad. If you can't change someone and you can't either leave or get them to leave, you just have to accept how they are and put up with it as best you can. [Genma and Grandpa crash through the room, fighting for control of a first aid kit, then tumble out into the living room.] Nodoka: Which can be pretty hard sometimes. Sometimes I wonder why I married your father. Ranma-DJ: Why did you marry him? Nodoka: He's a good man when he's not being lazy, irresponsible, or dishonest. Ranma-DJ: So why did you marry him? Nodoka: I used to be as nuts as him in some ways. Maybe I still am. With all his flaws, he's utterly faithful to me. I know that in all the years he was gone, he never looked at another woman. Ranma-DJ: And no wo...yeah. Nodoka: [sits down] You never find the perfect person to marry. I could have waited for someone better, but there's no guarantee that I would have found one. Ranma-DJ: [sits down] I guess most people aren't as overly blessed with choices as I was. Nodoka: So why did you pick Akane over the others? Ranma-DJ: [looks nervous] Because...well,...she...I mean, it's not like I didn't like Ukyou. And I kinda liked Shampoo. She could be really nice sometimes. Kodachi was right out, though. But with Shampoo, I never knew if she was going to suddenly decide she had to kill one of my friends or if she was trying to manipulate me into something. [shifts nervously] And with Ukyou...I dunno. I dunno if I could marry someone I used to think was a boy, even though...I mean, she's seriously cute now. And nice. But...Akane just...we fight sometimes, but she just...I always know where I stand. I...I love her. [sits up straight] Maybe if I understood why better, I could have made my choice sooner. Nodoka: Exactly. I love your father. I'm an idiot, and I know it, and I don't care. Love is the best thing to be a fool for. And he loves me. With both of you by my side, I can face anything. [Genma chases Grandpa across the kitchen. Grandpa is waving the first aid kit over his head and making faces at Genma. Grandma is in hot pursuit.] Nodoka: And I may have to. ********************** [We see Soun watching TV. Nabiki comes in.] Nabiki: Daddy, we're going to Las Vegas to find Ryouga's father. Soun: [leaps at her, looking desperate] No! DON'T LEAVE ME! Nabiki: We'll only be gone a few days, Daddy. Soun: [begins to cry] But...there will be no one to cook for me! Nabiki: I don't cook anyway. Soun: But if you and Akane both leave... Nabiki: I'm going with Ryouga, not Akane. Soun: On second thought, take Akane. I'll go live with the Saotomes. [grins] Finally, I get to mooch off of someone! [dances around happily] Nabiki: No one can say Daddy is hard to please. ************* [We see Herb's army disintegrating under assault from a hundred Happousais. However, one by one, the Happousais are starting to fuse back together, whenever one of them comes near another one. Unfortunately, Herb's army is running for the hills faster than the number of Happousais is diminishing. Finally, all that is left is Herb and Happousai.] Herb: I will destroy you for what you have done! Happousai: Your stupid minions caused me to turn into a barrel of monkies! Well, I plan to be NO FUN AT ALL! DIE! [charges Herb who stands his ground] Herb: Dragon Flying Spirit Attack! [We see he and Happousai vanish in a blast of chi] ***************** [End Part 7]