[We see Ukyou getting dressed for bed in green pajamas with golden spatulas. The phone rings.] Ukyou: [picks it up] Oh, hi, Hayao. [pause] No, I'm going to China tomorrow to try to get a...Umm...I'm going to be busy. [pause] A week from now? Sure. [pause] Friday? Sounds good. [hangs up] I think I just agreed to go on a date. [laughs faintly] Maybe I am getting over Ranma. [She scrambles into bed and drifts off into sleep. A figure appears out of the shadows of her bedroom and grins.] Mr. Mujaki: I'll fix that. [grins] ***************** Furinkan Summer #8 "Deceptions and lessons. How much trouble can our heros and heroines stir up?" By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. **************************** [We see Ukyou dressed in a beautiful blue dress, standing in a field of flowers under a cherry blossom tree. Blossoms are falling gently from the tree in the breeze as she gazes off towards the sunset. A tiny figure stands in the sunlight, slowly approaching. It is Ranma, garbed as an upperclass gentleman of the kind you might find in a Jane Austen novel] Ukyou: Ranma, my love! [runs towards him] Ranma: [walks up to Ukyou, looks nervous] I'm sorry, Ucchan, but I can't love someone who doesn't beat me. Ukyou: [blinks] But Ranchan, I can beat you if you want. Ranma: Oh, well, in that case...let's get married! [takes her by the hand, and they pose against the sun as romantic music begins to play. Suddenly, everything freezes in place, and Mr. Mujaki walks out from behind a bush] Mr. Mujaki: This is supposed to be a nightmare! [shakes a fist at Ranma] You're not supposed to agree with her! Ranma: [in a voice that is clearly not Ranma's] I'm not? Mr. Mujaki: No! You're supposed to break her heart so she'll do ANYTHING to make you hers! Ranma: But if I break her heart, why would she want me? Mr. Mujaki: Because...oh, right. Let's try another tack. [The action resumes. The romantic music plays and Ranma and Ukyou lean close for a kiss. Then the sun is suddenly eclipsed and the music changes to 'Fear the Reaper'. A huge flaming Akane, 30000 feet tall stalks across the plane, holding a chainsaw. She is wearing a hockey mask.] Akane: RANMA! HOW DARE YOU? NOW I WILL CHOP YOU TO BITS AND EAT YOU! THEN I'LL DESTROY ALL LIFE ON EARTH! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! [all life withers in her wake] [Everything freezes again, and Mujaki steps out.] Mujaki: You're overdoing it again. Akane: [very calm voice, which clearly isn't Akane's] Again? I just got here. Mujaki: I remember the last job you did for me. I mean, yeah, we need to scare her, but I think she's gonna laugh. Akane: Trust me. She'll run in fear. Mujaki: We'll see. [steps out of sight] Action! Ukyou: Oh great. Akane's finally snapped. Ranma: [runs and falls at Akane's knees] Beat me! Whip me! Call me Edna! Mujaki: CUT! CUT! [runs out] Look, if you two don't get your act together, I'll...I'll... Akane: You're stifling our artistic creativity! Ranma: Yeah, scripts are so bourgeois! Mujaki: If this nightmare doesn't work, I'll force you two to be assigned exclusively to Rush Limbaugh's dreams. Ranma: Then again, bourgeois values do have a certain consistency to them... Mujaki: [steps out of sight] ACTION! Ukyou: RANCHAN! [runs over] Akane: FRESH MEAT! I'LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY INEDIBLE BREAD! [revs up her chainsaw] Ukyou: [springboards off of a branch into the air, and reaches into a dress pocket, pulling out one lone mini-spatula, which she hurls into the chain of the chainsaw. It whips off and the chainsaw comes apart, the parts whipping about towards Akane. However, it melts to slag when it touches her flaming flesh without harming her] Akane: GRRR!!!! HULK SMASH!!!! [whips out a huge mallet] Ukyou: Run, Ranchan, run! Ranma: Yes! A Beating! A beating! SOCK IT TO ME! [The last thing Ukyou sees before she wakes up is the mallet descending towards Ranma's head] Ukyou: [wakes up screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [she shakes silently for a while, then finally goes back to sleep] [Back in the dreamland, we see Mr. Mujaki] Mujaki: Hmm. A little overblown, but whatever does the job. Let's try something a little more believable this time, though... **************** [We see Nodoka and Soun sitting in the Saotome family kitchen.] Soun: So can I stay with you until one of my daughters comes back? Nodoka: Where did Akane go? Soun: [thinks a second] One of my daughters who can cook. Nodoka: Nabiki cooked? Soun: Akane spends all her time over here with Ranma or off at the North Pole and China and so on. And all I know how to cook is boiled cabbage and fish. Nodoka: [thinks] On one condition. Soun: I'll do anything! Nodoka: You have to help me convince Genma's parents to leave. Soun: ... [thinking] Hmm. Starvation sounds good. I was getting a little flabby anyway. Nodoka: [looks desperate] Please? Soun: [strikes a noble warrior pose] All right, I'll do it! We'll harry them out of the house! We'll CRUSH THEM! I WILL BURY THEM! [Genma's father sticks his head in the door] Genma's father: Hello, Tendo-san. [tosses a wallet to Soun] I think you dropped this. Soun: [blinks] Thank you. Genma's father: Glad to be of service. We'll be back later. We're going shopping. Nodoka: I'll let the police know when they come looking for you. Genma's father: [laughs] I promise we won't steal anything. We're just going to use our new credit cards. [walks off] Soun: [puts away his wallet] They're probably stolen. [pauses and looks in his wallet] MY CREDIT CARDS! [draws a sword and charges off after Genma's father] ************* [We see Ranma-DJ (Ranma is currently locked in the form of 'Davey Jones' (Yes, the ex-Monkee) due to a misadventure with the Musk Dynasty curse locking bucket in an earlier episode) sleeping on his bed. There is a figure in the windowsill.] Ranma-DJ: [shouts] NO! NOT THE BLUE LEVER! [wakes up in a pool of sweat] Ugh. What a nightmare. This is worse than the time I dreamed I was pregnant and drowned in a well. Figure: [shaky voice] Ranma...are you okay? Ranma-DJ: 'Zat you, Pop? [rubs his eyes] Oh yeah, I have my own room now. [smiles] No more Pop squashing me in the night. [The figure leaps from the window at Ranma-DJ, who tries to dodge, but is too slow.] Hey! Figure: [Who we can now see is Ukyou] Ranchan...you're okay...tell me you're okay...[she is crying and hugging Ranma very, very tightly] Ranma-DJ: Ucchan...I can't...breathe. Ukyou: [continues to cling, but less tightly] I...I guess it was just a dream. Ranma-DJ: You had a nightmare too? Ukyou: [nods] It was awful. I went on that date I have next week, and then you got killed because I was off at the movies and ... [starts to cry again] Ranma-DJ: I died because you...[pauses] You have a date next week? [doesn't sound entirely pleased] With who? Ukyou: Hayao asked me out. Ranma-DJ: Something about that guy makes me uncomfortable. Ukyou: He's a nice guy, Ranchan. He's not a fruitcake like Tsubasa or anything. Ranma-DJ: [frowns] He reminds me of someone, but I can't think of who. Ukyou: [thinking] He's jealous. NOW he gets jealous. When it doesn't matter anymore. [frowns] Ranma. You don't even KNOW him. Ranma-DJ: I can smell trouble when I see it. [thinking] That didn't quite come out right. Ukyou: [gets up and sighs] Whatever. Goodnight, Ranma. [She leaps into the window and sprints off into the night.] Ranma-DJ: [pauses] What did I say this time? ************* [The next morning at breakfast, everyone looks cranky except Genma.] Genma: Ahh, what a wonderful morning. [Everyone eats in cranky silence.] Genma: I slept well. Ranma: [shrugs] Who cares? Genma: You shouldn't talk to your father like that! Tell him, Nodoka! Nodoka: Hmm. Enjoying your melons, 'Father'? Grandpa Saotome: Very much. Nodoka: Did you know that fruit flies sometimes lay their eggs in melons and then they hatch inside the person that eats them? I was going to burn those melons. That's why they were in a box that says, 'Don't Eat These Melons'. Grandpa Saotome: [runs screaming out of the room] Genma: [drops the chunk of melon he stole from his father] Urk. Grandma Saotome: You're making that up. Nodoka: And the cheesecake was going to be burnt because it fell on the floor. Soun: AAAAAAAA!!!!!!! [runs out of the kitchen, dropping the cheesecake he was eating] Nodoka: [sighs] [The phone rings and Ranma answers it] Ranma: Yo. Akane: [sounds worried] Ranma, I can't find my father! Ranma: [sighs] He's come to live with us. I think right now he's panicking because he's eating cheesecake that was on the floor. Akane: ... Ranma: Come on over. There's two uneaten plates you can have. Akane: I cooked a really nice breakfast! Come on over and you can have some! Ranma: [nervously] Bring it over here. [thinking] Maybe it will drive off Grandpa and Grandma before Mom goes insane. Akane: Didn't you say that... Ranma: You know how Dad eats? Well, multiply him by three. We need more food anyway. Akane: Okay! [smiles, although Ranma can't see it] I'm on the way! ************** [Akane is over at the Saotome house, with two big covered plates.] Akane: I've never made this before, so let me know how it is. Grandpa: It doesn't have fruit flies in it, does it? Soun: You made this? [faints] Grandma: What's his problem? Ranma-DJ: Try it, Grandpa. You'll like it. Akane: [blinks at Ranma] Ranma? Ranma-DJ: Mom's been teaching Akane how to cook. Grandpa: [smiles] Your mother is a great cook! Bring on the food! I'll eat it all! Nodoka: [blinks, then smiles a little] Akane: [unveils a plate full of pancakes and a big bowl of fruit salad] Here you go. [Grandpa grabs about half of each and starts eating. Ranma-DJ and Genma watch him nervously.] Grandma: [takes a little for herself] Why do you look so worried, Ranma? Ranma-DJ: Just...ahh, worried he'll choke eating so fast. Grandpa: This is GREAT! Akane: [nervously] It is? Ranma-DJ: [takes one pancake and a little fruit salad and tries it, then boggles] This really is great! Akane: [tries some herself] Wow! [Soon everyone is digging into the food. Akane is nearly buried alive in compliments.] Grandpa: I think we're going to come live with you, granddaughter-in-law to be, once you and Ranma get married. Nodoka: [thinking] Time to move up that wedding. ************* [We see Akane and Ranma-DJ sitting up on the roof of the Saotome house. She leans over and puts her head on his shoulders.] Akane: Ranma, can I ask you a question? Ranma-DJ: [absently] You just did. Akane: ... Ranma-DJ: I wish I knew why she was mad at me. Akane: Why who was mad at you? Ranma-DJ: [sighs] Ucchan. [puts an arm around Akane] We had a fight last night. Akane: When did you see Ukyou? Ranma-DJ: She came over to tell me she had a date with that bozo, Hayao. [thinking] I think that's what we had a fight about. Akane: [sounds suspicious] She came over in the middle of the night to tell you that? Ranma-DJ: I was half-asleep. I think that's what we were talking about when she got mad. [frowns] Akane: [gives Ranma-DJ a suspicious look] I don't think she'd come over in the middle of the night just to tell you that. Ranma-DJ: I hope she's not so mad she's not gonna help me try and get the kettle so I don't have to be a washed up rock star forever. If one more person asks me for an autograph... Akane: [thinking] Something's going on that he's not telling me. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. ************** [We see Shinnosuke and Hitomi over at Ucchan's.] Hitomi: Hey, can we get some SERVICE over here? Ukyou: [stomps over looking cranky] WHAT? [looks at both of them, thinking] Ranma, you jerk. Do you want me or no...there's something about this guy... Shinnosuke: [thinking] She's cute. I wonder if I'm supposed to know who she is? [whispers to Hitomi] Do I know her? Hitomi: [sarcastically whispers back] She's your mother. [loudly] Can we get actual FOOD here or are we just supposed to IMAGINE it? Shinnosuke: [looks at Ukyou] Mom? Ukyou: [blinks] What? Hitomi: [thinking] I would never have said it, but I know he'll forget that the second she gets out of his sight and he's driving me NUTS! I deserve a little fun. [out loud] Look, can we order now? Shinnosuke: Mom! I thought you were dead! Ukyou: I...uh...I'm not your mother. Hitomi: [sarcastically] He's your son from the future. [thinking] Who's that guy from Tokyo that Grandpa mentioned? Ryoma? Ranga? Ranma. That's it. [out loud] Some guy named Ranma was his father. I'm just his guardian angel. Now can I get some FOOD? Ukyou: [gulps] Your father was named Ranma? Shinnosuke: I can't remember my father. I...[nervously] I have really bad memory. Ukyou: [thinking] He does look kinda like Ranma. [out loud] I...I look like your mother? Shinnosuke: I can't remember her either. Just her smile. [smiles at Ukyou] Grandpa says she was very pretty. Ukyou: [nervously] What's your grandfather's name? Shinnosuke: [sighs] Umm...I always call him Grandpa. Ukyou: Is he kinda fat and balding? Shinnosuke: [nods] You've met him? Ukyou: ... Hitomi: Come on, Shinnosuke, let's go somewhere we can get REAL food and not just trip down a lane of imaginary memories, okay? Shinnosuke: Huh? Ukyou: Let me get you some food and you can tell me about the future, okay? [heads over nervously to the grill] ************** [Lunch at the Saotome Household. Everyone is eating like a pig.] Ranma-DJ: Wow, two meals without fatalities! This is great! Akane: RANMA! [whacks Ranma in the head with a ladle] Ranma-DJ: Hey, I'm just telling the truth! Grandpa: Ranma, be nice to your fiancee. This is excellent food. [Everyone chimes in, and Ranma-DJ wilts under the verbal assault.] Ranma-DJ: I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Akane: So I'm a HORSE now? Ranma-DJ: Hey, I... [He is forced to flee an all-out Akane assault.] ********** [We see Ukyou, Hitomi, and Shinnosuke eating lunch together.] Hitomi: Yeah, we were sent by Grandpa back through time to find this great and powerful wizard named Gosunkugi to cure Shinnosuke's memories. Shinnosuke: [thinking] We went back in time? No wonder Mom's alive. Ukyou: You used the Naniban mirror? Hitomi: [nods, thinking] The what? [speaking] Yeah. Ukyou: Is Happousai still alive in the future? Hitomi: [thinks a moment] I've never heard of him. Ukyou: [gives a sigh of relief] That's good. Shinnosuke: This okonomiyaki is really great! Just like mom used to make! Ukyou: [smiles] Thank you. [thinking] Could he really be me and Ranma's son from the future? But that would mean... [looks hopeful, thinking] No. I can't count on that, but... [Akane walks in] Akane: Ukyou! WHY DID YOU....[pauses] Shinnosuke? Shinnosuke: [turns] Akane! Hitomi: [thinking] Time to get out of here. Shin's gonna blow my big fibs out of the water if he can actually think clearly enough to remember her. Akane: [runs over] What are you doing in Tokyo, Shinnosuke? Shinnosuke: Did you travel through time too, Akane? Hitomi: [gets up] I think Shinnosuke and I need to... Shinnosuke: I've missed you, Akane. Akane: [smiles] I've missed you too, Shinnosuke. Ukyou: [blinks] You know him? Akane: He's a friend of mine from Rugenzawa. Ukyou: [frowns] Not from the future? Hitomi: [tries to drag Shinnosuke] We really HAVE to be moving on. Ukyou: HITOMI! [chases Hitomi out into the street and out of sight] Akane: So what brings you to Tokyo? Shinnosuke: I can't remember. Hitomi was taking me to get my uh...wisdom teeth pulled? Akane: No dentists in Rugenzawa, I guess. Shinnosuke: Do you know a good dentist? Akane: Here, I'll take you to Dr. Tofu. *************** [We see Dr. Tofu's office. He ushers Shinnosuke and Akane in.] Dr. Tofu: So what seems to be the problem? Shinnosuke: My cousin is missing. Akane: What? Shinnosuke: I did come to Tokyo with Hitomi, right? Dr. Tofu: ... Akane: The annoying girl who Ukyou chased off? Shinnosuke: My mom is named Ukyou? Akane: Ukyou is not your mother. Shinnosuke: Oh. But Hitomi was here? Dr. Tofu: So he suffers from memory loss? Shinnosuke: I think I need to have my wisdom teeth pulled. Dr. Tofu: [pokes Shinnosuke's shoulder.] This should help. It's called the Memory point. Unfortunately, it only lasts fifteen minutes. Shinnosuke: [shudders as suddenly ALL his memories come back at once] Akane! I...I forgot that I HAD told you that I love you. And then...I told you again and forgot and... [blushes more] Akane: [blushes bright red] I...I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. I'm getting married to Ranma. Shinnosuke: [sighs] Maybe I was better off not having my memories. Dr. Tofu: I wish I could help you keep them permanently, but I'm not a memory expert. However, Cologne might be able to help you. She's an expert with herbal shampoos, including the memory affecting ones. Akane: I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. Shinnosuke: Do you know where to find this Gosunkugi guy? Grandpa heard stories about him. Dr. Tofu: Really? Hmm. [looks in the phone book and writes something down] Here's his address. Shinnosuke: We went there and they said they didn't have any wizards. Akane: Try asking for Hikaru Gosunkugi. He's gone to America, but he should be back in a few days, I think. Shinnosuke: Thanks! [blinks] I think we need to find my cousin Hitomi before Ukyou kills her. Akane: So that girl is your cousin? Shinnosuke: Yeah. Hitomi can be a brat, but she's the only reason I actually made it to Tokyo with any clue of why I was going or where. [sighs] Akane: Well, we'd better go save her then. *********************** [We see Ranma-DJ trying to practice. He is breathing hard.] Ranma-DJ: [sighs] This body is pathetic. Five minutes and I'm exhausted. This is almost as bad as that shiatsu thing. The only good part is that I don't turn into a girl. [The door flies open and Kunou strides in.] Kunou: Saotome! I know you're here! Where are you? Ranma-DJ: Right here. Kunou: You're not Ranma. Ranma-DJ: I...umm...got cursed. Kunou: If you're Ranma, then show me how well you fight. You look like a washed up reject to me. Ranma-DJ: [growls] I'll show you! [He unleashes a barrage of attacks at Kunou, who blocks them all while reading a book of poetry] Kunou: [lashes out with one blow and KOs Ranma-DJ] Hmm. I should have struck less hard so I could ask where that coward Ranma is hiding... ************** [We see Nabiki and Ryouga, at the Golden Potato Cabaret in the Golden Potato Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas. They are eating dinner, which is steak and potatoes.] Ryouga: Wow, I think they gave me half the cow! Nabiki: [laughs] No, they just eat more meat than we do. Announcer: [From somewhere unseen] And now, for Vegas' hottest new act! Ken Hibiki, the world's leading practicioner of Martial Elvis Imitation! Everyone give a big hand to the King of Imitating the King of Rock and Roll! [The audience laughs and applauds. Ken Hibiki walks out, dressed as the 'old Elvis'. He is holding a microphone and wearing dark sunglasses.] Ken: Hello, Chicago! [Everyone laughs.] Ken: I think I'll start with 'Blue Suede Shoes'. [launches into the song. He's a decent singer. While he is singing, a squadron of ninjas charges out and attacks him. Grinding his hips, he hipbutts them off the stage, then swings his microphone around and knocks out the last one, following up by launching into 'Blue Moon'.] Nabiki: [laughing and applauding] Your father's quite a comedian, Ryouga. Ryouga: [buries his face in his hands] Maybe this wasn't a good idea. [Ken goes through several more songs, demolishing martial artists to the point where the stage is littered with them and he can hardly move without stepping on one.] Ken: I'm dedicating this next one to my son, Ryouga, whereever he is. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. Let's hope that wherever he is...it's not the Jailhouse. [launches into Jailhouse Rock] Ryouga: Maybe I should kill myself now and get this over with. Nabiki: Hey, I think dedicating a song to you is sweet. [pauses] Although that's probably not the best choice. Ken: [finishes off the song] Well, we've got time for one more song. [starts looking around the audience] Anyone want to make a request? Nabiki: [waves her arms] Me! Ryouga: [hides under the table] Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll get lost. Ken: Ahh, a woman from my homeland! What can I sing for you, little lady? Nabiki: Can you do 'High on the Mountain of Love?' I know that's not really one of your songs, but I wanna dedicate it to my boyfriend, who's hiding under the table. [grins] Ken: [smiles] Sure. I'll make an exception for you. And who is this lucky guy? Ryouga: No, not in front of all these people! Nabiki: HIBIKI RYOUGA! Your son! Ken: Ryouga! Come on up here, boy! Ryouga: [nervously goes up on stage] D...dad. Ken: You finally got a girlfriend! I'm so happy! [hugs Ryouga] Come on, boy, let's sing 'High on the Mountain of Love' just like we used to at home. Ryouga: Dad, this is the first time I've heard you sing in my life. Ken: [laughs] Well, fake it! [launches into 'High on the Mountain of Love'. Ryouga follows along, while Nabiki sits back and grins.] *********** [We see Herb, who is chained up in a prison cell. He is in his female form. There is a lovely young woman next to him. She has long blonde hair and is dressed in a saffron robe.] Herb: [groggily] What happened? Girl: I was fighting someone and...Herb? Herb: Who are you? Girl: [looks down at herself] I'm a WOMAN! Now I can save time and just grope myself! Herb: [thinking] No...not... Girl: [strains] But I can't move my arms! NO! I'M IN HELL!!!! Kirin: [looking through the cell door] How are you and Happousai getting along? Girl: YOU BASTARDS! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME? Kirin: Well, I voted to use the 'Jusenkyo Pickled Vegetable Mix' we'd just bought, but we decided that would be cannibalism, and this isn't the British navy, you know. Herb: [angrily] The army of the Musk Dynasty will destroy you! Kirin: What army? We used Nihaoumaonichuan water on them. Herb: ... Kirin: Most of them are busy grooming themselves and trying to find a nice dress or merchandising themselves right now. Herb: It can't end like this! Kirin: Don't worry. We'll let you loose eventually. Girl: I want to see my LAWYER! Kirin: We have to figure out how to mix the love potions first, though. [Herb screams loud enough to wake the dead.] **************** [We see Kunou stomping through the Saotome house. He walks into the living room.] Kunou: SAOTOME! WHERE ARE YOU? Grandpa: Can I help you? Grandma: Looking for Saotome Genma? Kunou: I seek the foul sorceror Ranma Saotome. He has hidden my beloved pig-tailed goddess! I cannot find her anywhere! Grandpa: Ahh, we can help you. My wife and I are professional detectives. We work cheap. Only 30,000 yen a day. Kunou: Done! So where is he? Grandma: We're detectives, not sorcerors! We'll be on the case. We'll need daily payments, so we can meet our expenses. Kunou: Sasuke! [Sasuke pops up] Sasuke: Yes, Master Kunou? Kunou: Pay them. Sasuke: [does so] Grandpa: [gets up] We're on our way. ************* [We see Nabiki and Ryouga back at his father's apartment with his pet guide dog and guide cat. They drag Ken over to a plush chair, while Nabiki and Ryouga sit down on the couch.] Ken: So you're that Tendo girl Ryouga kept sending us letters about? Nabiki: [blushes slightly] I didn't realize you'd written your father about me. Ryouga: [nervously] Ub wubba, err... Ken: You don't look like a martial artist, but I'm sure you're as good as he says. Nabiki: [twitches slightly] Ryouga: [quickly] When did you last get a letter from me, Dad? Ken: About six months ago. Your mother will be back from recording in LA tomorrow. I can hardly believe she got a record contract. [pouts] I guess my act wouldn't work so well, recorded. Although you can buy a videotape of me! Only 29.95! For family, I'll only charge you half price. Nabiki: How many of these have you sold? Ken: About 50,000 so far. Nabiki: [yen signs light up in her eyes] Need a business manager? Ken: Well, my current one's pretty good. [turns to Ryouga] How long are you staying? Ryouga: Well, my job doesn't start again until the fall, so... Ken: You have a job? Ryouga: I'm...umm...teaching history. [looks embarrassed] Ken: So you have the summer off? Great! Stay as long as you like. [looks slyly at them] Planning to take advantage of all the wedding chapels they have here? Nabiki: [blushes] We...I just wanted to meet Ryouga's parents. Ken: Well, you'll have to pass the marriage tests, but that should be easy. Nabiki: Marriage tests? Ryouga: Marriage tests? Ken: But for a skilled martial artist, this will be EASY! Nabiki: Yes. Easy. Of course. What...um...if my skills aren't up to it? Ken: Well, I can afford a nice funeral for you, pretty easily. What color dress would you like? Ryouga: DAD! Ken: I'm sorry, son, but it's part of the family curse. Ryouga: Family curse? Ken: Ever noticed how we get lost all the time? Ryouga: It's a curse? Ken: You have noticed other people don't get lost, right? Ryouga: [irritated] Yes. Ken: Anyway, your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Dmitri Hibikoff was the one who got us all cursed. Nabiki: [raises an eyebrow] Isn't that a Russian name? [thinking] Sort of. Ken: Our family was once Russian. I'll get to that. Dmitri was one of those people who didn't know how to leave well enough alone, you see... ************* [We see a man who looks rather like Mr. Yotsuya from Maison Ikkoku (slicked black short hair, a little snakey looking, thin and tall) dressed as a Russian peasant. He is holding a golden harp, one end of which is carved in gold to resemble a beautiful woman] Dmitri Hibikoff: Now, if I can just find my way out... [He looks around a maze of twisty, bendy passages, all alike] Dmitri: Ummm...That way. [goes left. This takes him past cells, mostly full of bones. One of them holds a young girl, somewhere around twelve years of age] Girl: Help me! Dmitri: [peers in through the window] I don't have a key. Girl: There's an ogre with the keys down the hall. Please save me! Dmitri: An ogre? So Baba Yaga is down there? Or does she have kids? Girl: [frowns] No, not Baba Yaga. Just some goon of hers. Dmitri: [looks at the harp] Does it like music? Girl: Yes. Dmitri: [swallows nervously] I'll...see what I can do. [thinking] I really should just sneak out, but...poor kid. Baba Yaga will probably eat her. [sighs and heads down to where the ogre is busily throwing darts at a dartboard] Harp, play a soothing song. [The harp begins to play. Dmitri watches the ogre, which begins to yawn. It then lies down and falls asleep. He creeps over and gets the keys, then begins to yawn.] Dmitri: Harp, that's enough. [It stops. He creeps down and unlocks the door, letting the girl out.] We have to hurry. Grandmother will be back soon. Girl: She's your grandmother? Dmitri: She likes to be called that, I heard. So just in case she's listening... Girl: [looks at the harp] So why are you stealing her harp if you want her to like you? Dmitri: Because my family is starving. I can make some money with this. [hurries down the hallway] Girl: Won't she come after you for revenge? [hurries along] Dmitri: Well, she'll likely come after me for freeing you too, but if we hurry, she won't know where to look. Even if I put it back, I'd still be stealing you, so to speak. [sighs] I've got to remember to stop by the Ivanovs and see about borrowing some sugar too. Girl: This place is huge. [looks around] Do you know the way out? Dmitri: I never get lost. Take me anywhere once, and I can always find my way back. This place is a maze. Girl: How did you find the harp anyway? Dmitri: [leads them down a side passage] It was singing because it was bored. Harp: All she ever wants to listen to is funeral marches. I'm sick and tired of them. Girl: I find them rather relaxing, myself. [glomps onto Dmitri's arm] I'm very, very grateful to you for rescuing me. Dmitri: If you need somewhere to stay, you can stay with us. Girl: Us? You and the harp? Dmitri: [laughs] My wife and I and our children. Girl: [sounds disappointed] I was hoping to reward you with the gift of my love. Dmitri: Well, if you really want to reward me, my wife could use some help with the children. They're sick again. Girl: Are you listening to me? Dmitri: [looks around] Trying to find the way out. And like I said, I'm married. Girl: [points] This way, I think. [they head down a long hallway and into a large art gallery, a long hall with dozens of paintings and over a dozen doors] There's a lot of valuable paintings here. We could be set for life with these. Dmitri: I think this harp is enough. Best not to steal more than I have to. [hurries across the hall] Girl: You're an honest man for a thief. Dmitri: You've a sharp tongue for someone who would be rotting in a cell if I hadn't gotten you out. I didn't have to help you, you know. Girl: So why did you? Dmitri: I couldn't leave you here to be eaten. So why did Grandmother lock you up, anyway? Girl: She...um...I'm not sure. Dmitri: [thinking] She probably tried to rob the old woman herself. [They hurry down another hallway to a door, which opens out onto a ladder. Seen from the outside, Baba Yaga's house is just a small hut. Well, a small hut on giant chicken legs, taking a stroll through the forest. They scramble down the rope ladder, and through the woods to a small peasant house, where Dmitri's wife, Olga, is trying to run herd over half a dozen small children. Half the kids are sick, the others are berserkly hyper] Olga: Did you bring the sugar? Dmitri: I got us a magic harp. Olga: But you forgot the sugar. Dmitri: Umm...well, I did bring a helper. Olga: Where did you get that magic harp? [pause] You stole it from Baba Yaga, didn't you. Dmitri: [nervously] Well, I was on the way to get the sugar and... Olga: This is worse than the time I sent you to get salt and you sold the cow for those magic beans! In fact, that looks like the same harp! Dmitri: [looks at the harp] Do I know you? Harp: Hmm, you do look kinda familiar... Olga: [begins beating Dmitri in the head with a turnip] You idiot! The last time you stole one of those, the Duke confiscated it and gave us that stupid medal you're wearing and three copper coins as a 'reward'! And the giant's brother found our house and ate it! So we had to move to this god-forsaken forest! [chases him around the room] Girl: I'll...just...be moving along. Thanks for the rescue. Dmitri: Don't mention it. [tosses her a loaf of bread] This should keep you fed to the next village. Olga: YOU JUST GAVE AWAY DINNER! Dmitri: With the magic harp, we can... Olga: I think I'll make you EAT THE HARP THEN! [The girl flees. The next morning, there is a knock at the door.] Dmitri: [swathed in bandages, he opens the door] Hello? Baba Yaga: [a wrinkled troll of a woman, who looks rather like Cologne in Russian peasant garb, sitting in a cauldron, which is hovering a few inches off the ground. She holds a huge pestle in one hand.] I've come to punish you for stealing my harp. Dmitri: Please don't eat my family. I'll even sautee myself if I have to. Baba Yaga: I was going to eat all of you, but after seeing how you live, I decided that was punishment enough. So I'm just going to curse you. [sprinkles dust on his head] You'll never find my house again. Or anything else. You and your progeny will be lost for eternity, wanderers unable to find their way. Dmitri: [falls to his knees] Thank you, Grandmother. Baba Yaga: [blinks] No one has ever thanked me for a curse before. Dmitri: It beats being eaten. Baba Yaga: You can keep the harp. I went and ate the Duke for breakfast and took the one he took from you. And if you ever steal anything from me again... Dmitri: I'll just go tell my wife about this. [walks past her, into the forest] Baba Yaga: I suppose I'll have to tell her myself. ************** [Nabiki looks dubious. Ryouga looks confused. Ken sits back.] Ken: You understand now? Nabiki: Not only does that sound like you made it up, what does it have to do with magical tests? And how did a family of Russian peasants become Japanese martial artists? Ken: Dmitri later accidentally stole the soul of a leshee and had to flee Russia. Then his son offended the spirit of Mount Fuji, which imposed a geas on his line. Anyone who would marry into it had to pass three tests. If she succeeds, she gains enhanced power and skill. If she fails, she dies. Nabiki: [pauses] So how do you people ever get married? I mean...it sounds rather dangerous. [thinking] I love Ryouga, but I don't want to risk killing myself...Not just to get married. Ryouga: You die if you lose? You never told me THAT before. Ken: Well, there hasn't been a death in eight generations. It's not like you have to walk on the edge of a swordblade without cutting yourself or drag yourself through the desert using your tongue. The wish is worth it, I think, anyway. Nabiki: Wish? Ken: Yeah, you get a wish too. Money, fame, even greater skill than the Kami normally grants if you succeed, whatever you want. Nabiki: Like a cure for a curse? Ken: Yeah. Nabiki: Why hasn't anyone cured the curse on your line with it? Ken: Baba Yaga always comes and recurses us, so we stopped wasting our time on that one. Nabiki: But you could cure some other curse? Ken: Yeah. Why, are you under one? Nabiki: [thinking] This does give me rather more incentive. [speaking] No, but someone I know is. Ken: Well, our great-great-grandfather was cursed to fall down every time anyone said 'it', and the kami broke that curse, so I'm sure it can help you. Nabiki: Who cursed him? Ken: Some band of knights, I think. I can't remember anymore. Oh wait, now I remember. It all started on a dark and stormy night... ************* [We see Ranma-DJ, Akane, Ukyou, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi, who has a large spatula still bent around her head, at Ucchan's okonomiyaki.] Ranma-DJ: If you help get my grandparents to leave, I'm sure Mom will let you stay as long as you like, Shinnosuke. I think Gos and Kasumi will be back in a week or two, right? Akane: Why don't you stay at the Dojo? Everyone's gone but me, and it gets kinda lonely. Shinnosuke: I'd be happy to stay with you. [smiles] You won't mind, will you, Hitomi? Hitomi: It depends on if she's going to fold things over my head, too. [glares at Ukyou] Ukyou: Only if you claim she's Shinnosuke's mother. [sighs] Ranma-DJ: What? Ukyou: Don't ask. Anyway, when's the next planning mission for the raid? Ranma-DJ: [sighs] Apparently they've decided to hunt down and maim Gosunkugi instead, and that takes priority for whatever reason. They think he did something or another to Shampoo. Akane: Well, we still have the sleigh, but it's not much use without any reindeer. Shinnosuke: Reindeer? We've got some giant ones in Rugenzawa. Ukyou: ... Akane: That would work. Getting the sleigh to Rugenzawa may take a little work, though. Ranma-DJ: We'll just have to plan carefully. ************** [It is dinner time at the Gosunkugi household. There is a knock at the door. Mr. Gosunkugi gets up. ] Mr. Gosunkugi: I'll get it. [walks to the door] Who is it? Voice: [female] Amazon. Mr. Gosunkugi: Amazon who? Voice: [after hurried whispers on the other side of the door] Landshark. Mr. Gosunkugi: You can't fool me! I know there's a Girl Scout out there! Well, I won't let you in! I already bought eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I can't afford any more. [turns to go] Voice: Elvis. Mr. Gosunkugi: Even at his worst, the King was still male. [starts to walk away] Voice: Priscilla Presley. Mr. Gosunkugi: [stars in his eyes] Oh wow, I'm your biggest fan! [pulls the door open] I've watched the Naked Gun 1000 times! [A bonbori bops him on the head and two hands reach in and drag him off.] ********** [We see Ranma-DJ and his family at the dinner table. Akane, Soun, Hitomi, and Shinnosuke are there too.] Ranma-DJ: So, we're taking the sleigh and going to Rugenzawa to get some giant reindeer, then we're going to China. [thinking] Please don't laugh. Grandpa: Say hello to Chairman Mao for me! Grandma: He's dead, dear. Grandpa: No wonder he stopped sending us Christmas cards. [his wife bops him on the head] Akane: We'll be back in just a few days once we fix Ranma. Grandpa: That sounds kinda drastic. Grandma: [mallets Grandpa again] Not THAT way! Soun: Bring us some souveneirs! Genma: Reindeer? Ranma-DJ: [shrugs] We have magic feedcorn to make them fly. Soun: [waving his arms about] But none of you have a pilot's license! Akane: I'll drive under the speed limit, Daddy. We'll be fine. Soun: Oh, okay. *************** [We see the Amazon Army (Shampoo, Shelf, Towelbar (a young 12 year old Amazon), Cologne, Mousse and Showercap(Mousse's Great-Great-Aunt)), surrounding Mr. Gosunkugi in a dark alley.] Shampoo: So, whyfor you blind Shampoo? [waves a bonbori at Mr. Gosunkugi] Cologne: You got the wrong Gosunkugi. Shampoo: [turns to Mousse] There you are! Whyfor you put Shampoo in the cold, cold ground? [pauses] Um, Shampoo means why did you blind Shampoo? Mousse: It's me, Mousse! Shampoo: Shampoo should have known Mousse made you do it! [turns to Shelf, who is a little gnomelike man the same age as Cologne, and married to her] NOW YOU DIE! [pauses] Are you kneeling down, Mousse? Shelf: [springs onto her head, then puts her glasses on and krazy glues them in place] I've had ENOUGH of that. Shampoo: Hey, where did Gosunkugi go? Who's this creepy old guy? Mr. Gosunkugi: Are you looking for my son? Towelbar: Someone was actually willing to bear the children of someone as creepy looking as you? [recoils in shock] Mr. Gosunkugi: [whips out a camera and flashes it in her face. While she is stunned from the flash, he picks her up and dropkicks her into the sky. Far away, she plummets into a pond in a distant park. He then collapses, breathing heavily] I think I pulled a muscle. Shampoo: Great-Grandmother, why you not save Towelbar? Cologne: Even I am sometimes surprised, child. Mousse: You realize this means she has to marry him in two years when she's old enough. Cologne: [shakes her head] The law doesn't apply until you're old enough to marry or every Amazon child would be married by age five. Mr. Gosunkugi: So why have you kidnapped me? Cologne: I meant for Shampoo to kidnap your son, actually. Where is he? Mr. Gosunkugi: Some little town called Quagmire, in Texas in the United States. Shampoo: You expect us to believe that? Shampoo not born yesterday! Mr. Gosunkugi: So you've already reached your expiration date? Shampoo: [blinks audibly] Showercap: I can get the truth from him. [whips out a bottle of sake] And have some fun at the same time! Shampoo: [thinking] Shampoo have very bad feeling about this. ************** [We see Ukyou, Ranma, Akane, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi on a train going through the countryside. Each row of seats consists of six seats with an aisle up the middle (Three on each side). Ranma and Akane are seated in a row by themselves while Ukyou is seated in the aisle seat behind Ranma, with Shinnosuke and Hitomi to her right. ] Ukyou: So what is the Ryugenzawa like? Shinnosuke: It's a beautiful forest, full of tall, green trees and many flowers and meadows and giant animals. Hitomi: [shakes her head] It's a deathtrap. Shin and Grandpa are nuts to stay there. Shinnosuke: [frowns] It is not a deathtrap. Most people just get maimed. Ukyou: [thinking] I shouldn't have asked. Hitomi: It is beautiful, but if you get killed, it doesn't matter if something pretty or ugly kills you. My family's always patrolled the forest, keeping the giant animals under control, ever since the civil war where...um...It has something to do with the Shoguns taking over. Anyway, for centuries. My dad moved out when I was little. [sighs] How we're gonna catch some giant reindeer... Ukyou: GIANT reindeer? Hitomi: You do know all the animals are gigantic, right? Shinnosuke: Of course I know! My memory isn't THAT bad. Hitomi: I was talking to her! Ranma-DJ: [sticks his head around] What about Giant Reindeer? Shinnosuke: Even I haven't ever forgotten all the animals are gigantic. Ukyou: [to Ranma] How are we gonna catch giant reindeer? Ranma-DJ: We'll improvise. Ukyou: In other words, you have no idea? Akane: Well, if we get a really big one, we can just feed it the corn and just fly back to Tokyo. Ranma-DJ: Maybe we can dress Shinnosuke up as Santa...all reindeer obey him, right? Akane: He's not the god of reindeer, Ranma. Ukyou: [teasing voice] Maybe they'll be Monkees fans, Ranchan. Ranma-DJ: I ain't singing the Last Train to Clarksville for anyone. ***************** [We see Ranma-DJ tied to a tree, singing 'The Last Train to Clarksville'. Everyone else is lurking off behind various trees.] Ranma-DJ: [thinking] If I just think of this as Martial Karaoke, maybe I won't go mad. [Animals begin to flock out of the forest, gathering around him, listening and swaying to the music.] Akane: [mutters] I can't believe this is actually working. [looks over at Ukyou, who is also swaying to the music] Then again, this could explain a few things. ************** [We see Happousai, still trapped in a woman's body (Brought to you by Instant Jyusenkyo Mix (TM)), and Herb, both chained up in a cell. Herb has his eyes closed, and has somehow gotten one foot behind his head, despite all limbs being chained.] Onna-Happousai: Got an itch? Herb: Despite being a disgusting wretch, surely you can recognize what I'm doing. Onna-Happousai: The eighth Lotus Sutra? Herb: I learned this from Harry Houdini. Onna-Happousai: I never stu...hey, he died before you were born! Herb: Did you really think the afterlife could hold him? Onna-Happousai: You mean to tell me that... Herb: This is a chi technique for escaping bonds. Onna-Happousai: [begins contorting around, trying to imitate him] How do I do it? Herb: First, put your foot behind your head. [Soon, Onna-Happousai is tangled up in her chains, hanging upside down from the ceiling, like the tarot card, the Hanged Man. She does have her right foot behind her head.] Herb: Your left foot. [Soon Onna-Happousai is folded into a chain pretzel.] Herb: Now put your left foot out. [With more thrashing, she manages to extend her left leg. Both her arms are now trapped behind her back.] Onna-Happousai: Urgle. Now what? Herb: Now shake it all about. Onna-Happousai: I feel like I've done this before. [shakes her foot] Herb: A past life, perhaps. Now put your right foot behind your head. [thinking] Right foot in, right foot out, then turn about and do the Hokey Pokey...if I irritate her too much she might break free. I should be focusing my chi, but I deserve some amusement. *************** [We see Ukyou, Ranma-DJ, Shinnosuke, Akane, and Hitomi clinging to the top back of a sixty foot long reindeer, which is flying over the ocean. Ukyou is trying to steer with her feet. Given that it is too broad for her to put her legs on both sides of it at the same time, this isn't easy. In fact, it's completely ignoring her.] Ukyou: LEFT! Go LEFT! Ranma-DJ: Where is this thing going? Hitomi: New York City, to lay waste to it and nest. Shinnosuke: Reindeer don't nest. Akane: How would it know where New York City is, anyway? Hitomi: Ask Godzilla. ************** [We see Kirin's castle dungeon. Happousai is asleep. Herb is still meditating.] Herb: Blast it, why can't I focus my chi to get out of these stupid chains? Benten: [sticks her head into the little cell window to look in] We used special chi draining chains, of course. Otherwise you could just blow a hole in the wall and walk out. We couldn't hold you, otherwise. Herb: Where did you get chains that drain chi? Benten: You can find just about anything on the Internet these days. *********** [We see Nabiki and Ryouga at the LA airport, waiting to pick up Ryouga's mom.] Nabiki: What is your mother like? Ryouga: Very well organized. Heavily armed. Very sweet, except when she punches you through a wall, then leaps onto your head and begins using her family's secret technique on you. Nabiki: What, a death noogie? Ryouga: You've seen it? Announcer: Flight 546 has now arrived. Unloading at gate 54. [We see our hero and heroine are at gate 34] Nabiki: Shouldn't we be at gate 54 then? Ryouga: [shakes his head] Nope. [A tall woman with long black hair and a stout figure walks out of gate 34, despite there being no plane connected to the gate. She is dressed in solid blue, except for a green and red headband, and her clothing is similar to Ryouga's usual outfit. She sees Ryouga and runs over to him.] Woman: Ryouga-kun! It's been so long! [hugs him tightly] Ryouga: [smiles] Hi, Mom. Nabiki, this is my mom, Ryoko Hibiki. Mom, this is my...my girlfriend, Nabiki Tendo. Ryoko: [hugs Nabiki to where she can barely breathe] It's nice to meet you! Nabiki: Nice...urk...to meet...urgle...you too. Ryoko: So where's your father? Nabiki: Tokyo. Ryouga: He's at the condo, Mom. Ryoko: [takes Nabiki by the arm] You'd better guide us so this family reunion doesn't take months. Nabiki: [laughs a little] Quite. ************ [We see the giant reindeer sink down onto a mountain as the sun sets. It wanders over to some trees and starts eating them, then flops over, asleep. Our gang leaps off just in time to avoid a squashing.] Ranma-DJ: I guess we camp here for the night. [They soon set up their camp, a circle of sleeping bags around a small fire. Dinner is sandwiches. Hitomi clonks out shortly after dinner, Ranma-DJ and Akane go off together and talk quietly, and Ukyou wanders off to do some exploring. To her surprise, after circling around, she finds Shinnosuke off by himself, sitting on a rock, looking up at the stars.] Shinnosuke: [blinks] Do I know you? [looks around] Where am I? Ukyou: [thinking] No wonder Hitomi is so irritable. Still, he is a nice guy, despite having a brain like a sieve. [speaking] Your name is Shinnosuke. You're in China. You're on a quest to help us get Ranma back to normal. Shinnosuke: [looks at Ukyou] Are you my mother? Ukyou: [thinking] I'll beat Hitomi tomorrow. [speaking] No, I'm Kuonji Ukyou. Shinnosuke: You're really pretty. Ukyou: [blushes] Why, I'm not that cute. Shinnosuke: [looks up at the stars] Not as cute as Akane, but really cute. Ukyou: [twitches, thinking] Does EVERYONE fall in love with Akane? Then again, everyone falls in love with Ranchan too. [sighs] Shinnosuke: What's wrong? Ukyou: I just can't understand why everyone...nothing. Nothing at all. [sits down by Shinnosuke] So how long have you had a crush on Akane? Shinnosuke: I can't remember. Since she came to Ryugenzawa a few...um, whenever that was. Ukyou: Why is your memory so bad? Shinnosuke: Dad angered a kami, then tried to claim he didn't remember doing it, so she cursed him to never remember anything. The curse is hereditary, but it gets weaker with each generation. That's how Dad died. Ukyou: How? Shinnosuke: He forgot about the traps we set for the animals, and one of them killed him. [sighs] It's one of the few things I never forget. [sighs] I can't even remember if I ever told Akane I love her. Ukyou: It's too late now. Shinnosuke: She loves Ranma. I know. I can remember that too. [stares up at the stars] Ukyou: [quietly] And Ranma loves her. Shinnosuke: And you love him. Ukyou: [jumps] How...did you know that? Shinnosuke: It's obvious. My memory is bad, but I'm not blind. [turns to Ukyou] Don't worry. You'll find someone. Ukyou: Well, there is this other guy, but Ranchan really doesn't trust him. I think he's just... Shinnosuke: Jealous. Yeah, sometimes people are like that. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either. Ukyou: [swiftly] Ranchan's not like that! Shinnosuke: You sure of that? Ukyou: [sighs] No. Do you resent Ranma, Shinnosuke? Shinnosuke: Life is too short to resent your rivals, Ukyou. [pauses] It also requires you remember them. I'll probably forget Ranma even exists if I go too long without seeing him. [sighs] I'd live alone forever if it got me my memories back. Be glad you have memories of good times with him, Ukyou. Ukyou: How do you know we had good times? Shinnosuke: I've watched you two together. I barely remember any of it, but the way you two act...I know there have to have been good times. I know I've had good times, even if I've forgotten most of them. Ukyou: Yeah, we have had a lot of fun together. Shinnosuke: Then remember that. I'm sure someone as pretty as you will find someone new easily if you just set your mind to it. Ukyou: [blushes again] You really think I'm pretty? Shinnosuke: [looks up at the stars] Your eyes shine like the stars, your teeth glisten like the Milky Way, your...[trails off] Ukyou: [a little excited] Go on. Shinnosuke: [starts] Ukyou? When did you get here? Ukyou: [bangs her head against a tree] ************* [We see Nabiki and Ryouga's mom relaxing in the Hibiki family condo.] Nabiki: [looks around nervously] Are you SURE we can let them out of our sight? Ryoko: Don't worry. That guide dog and cat we got are really smart. They'll keep them out of trouble. Nabiki: Did you really have to pass a set of tests to marry Mr. Hibiki? Ryoko: [laughs] Did he tell you the story about how his ancestor killed seven giants? Pierre Hibiqui? Nabiki: [blinks] What? Ryoko: Ken likes to tell these incredibly wild stories, but he steals almost all of them from various faerie tales he has heard. He tried to tell my parents that his family got lost because one of them looked at Amaterasu naked. [laughs] Actually, there are tests, but no potential bride has ever passed them. You're supposed to try, though. Nabiki: [frowns slightly] Go on. Ryoko: There's a sacred cave. The spirit who cursed the family line to get lost all the time lives there. If you can beat him best two out of three in the three tests, then he will release the curse on the family. If you fail, then you get cursed just like the rest of us. You don't HAVE to try it, but... Nabiki: It's traditional. Ryoko: No Hibiki can break the curse. And it has to be a bride, because only women can find the sacred cave. Nabiki: So did a woman in the family make the spirit angry? Ryoko: No, a man did. Nabiki: How did a man find its cave to anger it if only women can find the cave? Ryoko: No one knows. Nabiki: And a woman can't lead a man to the cave? Ryoko: We've never wanted to risk further angering it. Nabiki: I'm going to have to think about this one. *************** [We see our band of heroes and heroines, riding a giant reindeer, zooming over the mountains. They crest a peak and Kirin's castle comes into sight.] Ranma-DJ: We made it! Ukyou: Wow, that's big! [The reindeer flies right past the castle and keeps going.] Akane: WHOAH! [Zoom. It speeds up.] Hitomi: Umm...speed up? [The Reindeer begins to trail streaks of color and generally display the special effects of something about to hit warp speed or enter hyperspace] Shinnosuke: Well, it'll get hungry and have to land eventually. Akane: That won't do us much good if we land in Jerusalem. [The flying boat of the Seven Lucky Gods rises and speeds up, soon matching them for speed] Kirin: If you don't slow that thing down, you're going to attract the attention of the Chinese Air Force or worse. Ranma-DJ: We don't exactly know how to stop this thing! Benten: Oh wow, it's one of the Monkees! I have all your records! Ranma-DJ: Well, I'll never make another if you don't SAVE us! Kirin: [turns to the crew] Snag the reindeer with the anchor. [Soon the anchor is secured in its horns. All this does is drag the boat after the reindeer] Kirin: Climb along the rope to our ship! We'll cut it loose! [They all nervously clamber along the rope to the ship. Ranma- DJ flops down exhausted afterwards.] Kirin: Are you...Akane? Akane: [kneeling by Ranma] Um, hi, Prince Kirin. Kirin: So you dumped the Saotome boy for Davey Jones? Well, he's a bit old for you, but still, a good choice. Ranma-DJ: If I could move, I'd make you pay for that. ************** [Our heroes and heroines are seating at a meeting table with Kirin.] Kirin: The problem is that there is no pool of drowned boy. Ranma-DJ: WHAT? Kirin: We can go ahead and unlock your curse so you turn back and forth between Davy Jones and your normal body, though. [sends a servitor to fetch the Musk Dynasty items] Akane: There's a pool of drowned Davey Jones, but no pool of drowned boy? Kirin: That's exactly the problem. They're all pools that didn't register a generic imprint, but rather turn you exactly into the person that drowned there. You only get a generic pool like drowned girl if the victim had weak chi. There's four other pools that turn you into a woman, but each of those turns you into a specific woman, instead of just making you become the woman you would have been if you were a woman. Akane: There has to be something we can do! Ranma-DJ: Yeah, this Jones' guy's body sucks. [pauses] Wait... Davey Jones isn't dead. How did a pool get his...imprint? Kirin: Well, some of the pools don't have a curse yet, so I suppose he drowned in one of them. Ranma-DJ: But he isn't dead! Kirin: Well, his career is. Maybe that counted. Hitomi: [bangs her head on the table] Maybe he rose from the dead. Ukyou: Are you sure this really came from Jusenkyo and not some special pool? Or maybe Davey Jones fell in this pool and was curse locked and... Hitomi: Maybe aliens built Jyusenkyo, and everyone who falls in is slowly possessed by a virus that turns you into one of them over a period of decades. Shinnosuke: [scoots away from Ranma at the table] Urk. Ukyou: Hitomi, if you don't have anything useful to say, please be quiet. We're trying to be serious here. Hitomi: Look, I'm only here to make sure Shinnosuke makes it back home alive. I couldn't care less about your ex-boyfriend and his stupid curse life. I couldn't care less about you making pouty looks every time you see him with his fiancee. [voice getting louder] Look, you people don't know jack diddley squat about these curses, how they work, where they really came from, or what they're for. [stands up] You play around with magical artifacts with no real idea of their purpose or their limits. How did you know the magic feedcorn wouldn't give out over the ocean with a giant reindeer? [Everyone looks uncomfortably at each other] Ranma-DJ: But it didn't. [pauses] Santa said the feedcorn lasts for a day. Hitomi: Then there's a giant reindeer who is going to be circling the Earth at lightspeed all day long! Given any thought to what that's going to do to the weather? What if it gets mistaken for a missile and starts world war 3? Akane: I think you're exaggerating. Hitomi: [thinking] If you actually THOUGHT that, it's the first time any of you have THOUGHT since I met you! Look, before we start pouring magic water on people's heads or drowning them in wells, we have to think about the facts! Akane: We don't have any facts. Hitomi: Then we need to FIND SOME! [waves her arms about hysterically, then takes a deep breath] Let's...let's try and go over what we know. What exactly is our goal here? Ranma-DJ: I want to get back to my natural body and not have my curse. Or at least not have any forms that are pathetically weak like this one. Hitomi: Okay, that's a start. Now, you used to turn into a girl, right? Ranma-DJ: Right. Hitomi: So if we used girl-drown water on you, then you'd be back to your original status quo, right? Kirin: If we unlock his current state, yes. Otherwise, the Davey Jones body would become his natural state he reverts to with hot water. Hitomi: Are you sure of that? Kirin: Well, we have Happousai in the basement. We could use him for experiments. Hitomi: Are you SURE there's no generic boy-drown pool at Jyusenkyo? Kirin: The Jyusenkyo Springs Mail Order company catalog doesn't have any permanent boy-drown water. Just temporary stuff. And it's pretty thorough. Hitomi: But it doesn't actually SAY there's no such pool? Akane: [starts] Wait! Happousai got turned young by some pool. We could use that one! Kirin: The pool of drowned young adult male has an age element...those tend to mess you up. Ukyou: There has to be a generic boy-drown pool. Herb's tribe... Akane: [shakes her head] They made women, remember? Ukyou: Ahah! You could use instant generic one-time boy water, then lock it with the bucket! Hitomi: Sounds reasonable. Ranma-DJ: Let's find out. ************** [We see a teenage girl with short black hair in a gi and an old man, also in a gi, standing in front of the Tendo dojo.] Old Man: This is the place. Once you crush him and his disciples, the insult he gave to our family honor will be at an end. Girl: As if I cared. How do you even know he's here? Old Man: I saw him get out of a taxi and go in. Girl: When was that? The place looks shut up. Old Man: A few days ago. Girl: Let's get this over with. [knocks on the door. No answer] Well, no one is home. [turns to go] Old Man: He's hiding. He has to come out eventually. We'll wait. Girl: I have school, you know. Old Man: You're on summer break. Girl: You call standing in front of an empty dojo Summer Break? [sighs and sits down] **************** [We see Ranma being splashed alternately by hot and cold water. He remains in his normal male form through it all.] Ranma: Okay, I think that's enough. [They keep splashing him] Ranma: That's enough! [They stop.] Akane: [runs over and hugs Ranma] Finally! [Ukyou splashes both of them, and Akane is now thoroughly wet] Ukyou: [laughs] Just making sure. Akane: Ukyou! [chases her out of sight] [We see Ranma dancing about, practicing a few moves] Shinnosuke: Congratulations. Ranma: Looks like everything is finally going my way. ****************** [Down in the dungeons] Herb: [sung to the tune of the Cotton-Eye Joe] Swing your partner round the floor, hit them in the head with a two-by- four... Onna-Happousai: [swings around in her chains] I'm getting dizzy...I'm...feeling woozy... Herb: Talking...like...Shatner? Onna-Happousai: I can hear them...in my head...want to be free... Herb: [blinks] What? [thinking] He's finally flipped. Onna-Happousai: [eyes widen] Wait, you just tricked me into doing the hokey pokey! While wrapped in chains! Herb: That does about sum it up. We were working on the Cotton-Eye Joe next, but it just isn't quite working right. Onna-Happousai: And it's June... Herb: Would you like to recap your life further or are you done now? Onna-Happousai: [sighs] Well, in about three minutes, we're going to be piled in demons to the ceiling. Herb: [laughs] I'm not that stupid, you know. Just because I made a fool of you... Onna-Happousai: I suppose selling my soul six times and using the same trick contract on all six demon lords wasn't very bright, but how was I supposed to know this would happen? I mean, a contract where they can only come to collect when I...anyway, I suggest you say your prayers. Herb: [laughs] No demon lord in his right mind would sign a contract where he only got your soul if you did the hokey-pokey in June while wrapped in chains. Onna-Happousai: I tricked them into signing a magic contract where the real text is invisible until AFTER it's signed. I bought them from this Barter guy...anyway, the seventh demon lord was wise to me, and he wouldn't sign. But the first six fell for it. Herb: Then why aren't they here yet? Onna-Happousai: I get five minutes to fret before they arrive. Down to about 30 seconds now. Herb: [nervously] Well, they'll just be coming for you. Onna-Happousai: I also sold away the soul of anyone who was around when they came for mine. Herb: [big eyes] You can't do that! Onna-Happousai: Well, if you're lucky, you may be killed by collateral damage before they can take your soul. Herb: Or unless I kill you before they arrive. Onna-Happousai: Not much time left for that. Herb: My chi techniques don't work on these chains, but I bet they'll work on you... [Six portals pop open and demons begin to pour out] Demon #5: [a sixteen armed, five legged, three headed monstrosity with armor plated skin, big blue teeth and seven noses] Hmm. Neither of them look like Happousai. Onna-Happousai: I'm female. Happousai is male. Herb: That's Happousai under a curse! Demon #3: [looks like Jim Morrison with fangs] That's what they all say. Herb: I'm going to kill you, Happousai. Demon #5: Suicide won't save you now. You're coming with me. Demon #3: He's coming with me! Demon #2: [A huge blue Big Bird, dripping ichor, and chewing on a demon that looks suspiciously like the Cookie Monster with gangrene] Ohroeeijre! [spits out his meal] He's mine! [The demons all draw weapons] Herb: [thinking] Maybe Happousai will be killed in the crossfire. [One of the demons rips down the tangled mass of chains and Onna-Happousai and hurls it at one of the other demons. It misses, knocks down the door, and rolls off down the hallway to safety] Herb: [thinking] I swear I will destroy you for this, Happousai. [gets clocked in the head by wildly swinging demons] Some day. [passes out] [End Chapter 8]