***************** [We see Akemi and Gosunkugi in Mimi's living room. She is delivering another lecture on magic while they take notes.] Mimi: [pointing to a chalkboard with a pool cue] Now, rule #52 states that nothing can stand before the wrath of a woman with a mallet, except maybe another woman with a mallet. Akemi: [starts visibly] ... Gosunkugi: Are you okay? Akemi: Just having a flashback..wait, didn't we just do rule #7 before this? Mimi: Yes. I'm just trying to confuse you. [They both facefault.] Aloysius: [from up on top of a bookcase where he was drowsing] Rule #52 relates to rule #7. Right makes might. Gosunkugi: Then why does Evil ever win? Mimi: [sighs] Because of rule #8. Wrong also makes might. Both relate to #1, in that it takes strength of will and clarity of purpose to do magic, but you can have clarity of evil purpose as well. However, rule #9 is even more important. Gosunkugi: Which is? Mimi: If you meet Buddha on the road, give him a bagel. [Gosunkugi facefaults] *************** Furinkan Summer #9 "Amazons in America. Should we call the INS or the ASPCA?" By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. *************** [We see Kasumi at the florist.] Kasumi: [walks over to the florist] Can you help me? Florist: Is that a pickup line? Kasumi: No, I don't own a pickup. [thinking] His English isn't very good. Florist: [blinks] Anyway, what can Honest Abe do for you? Kasumi: Are you related to Shampoo? Florist: What? Kasumi: Anyway, I need to get some flowers to apologize to a friend. Florist: [nods knowingly] Having trouble with your boyfriend? Kasumi: I don't have a boyfriend. Florist: [looks concerned] That bad, huh? Well, I'm sure I can find a good bouquet to show how much you want to get back together. Kasumi: [thinking] That sort of sounds right. I wish my English was better. [speaking] We didn't exactly have a fight, but I want to apologize and I think some flowers would help. Florist: I think I know just the thing. Do you want to take it with you or have it delivered? Kasumi: Delivered, I think. We're supposed to go to the lake after I leave here. Florist: I know just the right thing. [smiles] Just give me the address, okay? Kasumi: Okay! ************ [We see Susan pacing back and forth, looking worried.] Susan: Blast it, this lake trip would have been perfect for me to further my orders, but I don't dare come near Kasumi until I come up with a plan. I should have spontaneously combusted from singing Joy to the World...She must be trying to lure me into a false sense of security. [stops and stares into a mirror] Hmm. Maybe it's just this mortal body protecting me. But I can just barely use any magic at all while I'm in it. [The doorbell rings. She answers it.] Florist: I've got a delivery for you. [blinks] You're female? Susan: [blinks] Should I not be? Florist: [looks at the name on the card] Hmm. It does say Susan... wouldn't have thought she was the type. [shrugs] Learn something every day. Susan: Huh? [He hands her a bouquet of flowers] Florist: These are from your ladyfriend. [thinking] No wonder she didn't fall for my suave sophistication. Susan: [reads the card, which is one of those soppy love cards. It has Kasumi's name signed at the bottom] ... Florist: She seems like a nice girl. Whatever she did, I don't think it's worth holding a grudge against her. [thinks a moment] So what do two women do in bed with each other, anyway? Susan: [slams the door in his face] She...sent me a love card and a bouquet of flowers? [goes and puts the flowers in a vase] This has to be some kind of trick. Is she going to try to seduce me? But...saints aren't supposed to seduce people! I'm the one who is supposed to be seducing people! [pauses] She is kinda cute, though. [pulls her hair] Aaaaa! Ever since she showed up, my whole life is falling apart! If I don't stop her, Desire is going to kill me. But I don't know what to do... ************** [Kasumi, Susan, Ichi, Jeremy, Asrial, Phrank, Ricky, and Jeremy's mother are at Lake Travis. Everyone is in bathing suits. Phrank is, of course, eying all the females appreciatively, while Jeremy, Asrial, and Ricky are swimming in the lake. Ichi and Jeremy's mom are sunbathing, and Kasumi is trying to talk to Susan.] Kasumi: Did you get the flowers? Susan: [twitches] Yes. Kasumi: I just wanted to apologize for falling on you. Susan: [nervously] Apology accepted. Kasumi: C'mon, let's swim! [turns and runs down to the lake] Susan: I bet she's turned it into holy water. Phrank: [sidles over to her] Want me to put some suntan lotion on your back? Susan: [distracted] Sure. Phrank: [freezes up, thinking] She said yes? What do I do now? This never happened before. ***************** [We see Kasumi and her friends at the beach. Lendo has shown up with a motorboat and Ichi is waterskiing. Jeremy is also skiing, but he is being pulled by Asrial, who is wearing a jetpack. He is screaming as he whips about at high speed. Kasumi is lazily doing the backstroke near the shore, while Phrank stands on the shore, jumping up and down, and Susan swims a bit deeper into the lake] Kasumi: You'd better be careful or they may crash into you, Susan. Susan: I'll be FINE. [thinking] I'll just arrange for Jeremy to crash into me and maybe snag a kiss while I'm at it. Phrank: Let me try, Asrial! [While Susan is focused on swimming out, Asrial brings Jeremy around and lets him pass the skis to Phrank.] Kasumi: [thinking] I love to swim. It's been so long since I've gotten to do something this nice. [feels a twinge] Oh dear, I think I feel trouble coming. [There is a whoosh of air and Mimi, Akemi, and Gosunkugi appear. All three are riding on broomsticks, however Akemi and Gosunkugi are having problems. Alysious is perched on Mimi's shoulder. Akemi crashes headfirst into the beach next to Jeremy, while Gosunkugi takes off at high speed across the lake low to the water.] Gosunkugi: Whoa! Stop! Halten sie! Paren! AAAAAAA!!!!!! [Phrank comes around a turn and sees Gosunkugi is coming right at him] Phrank: Asrial, HELP!!!!! Asrial: [blinks] Hey! [whips Phrank around out of the flight path, but he falls over and is now bouncing on the water. He crashes right into Susan as she surfaces where she expected Jeremy to be and they end up chest to chest, face to face, being dragged across the water.] Gosunkugi: LOOK OUT! Ichi: [realizes she's about to be towed right into him] NINJA JUMP! [somehow skips on the wave and flies over Gosunkugi, who now barrels off towards the far shore] Mimi: Brooms, return! [Gosunkugi's broom whips around and heads back towards Mimi. Right into Ichi, who loses her grip on the toe line and gets dragged along by the broom bouncing off the water.] Kasumi: [sees the tangled up Phrank and Susan sinking as Phrank loses his hole on the tow rope] Oh my. [dives and goes after them, pulling them back up to the surface, which isn't easy] Are you okay? Phrank: [who now has his face smooshed into Susan's breasts] I feel great! Susan: ACK! [mallets Phrank in the head. He goes limp.] Ichi: [disentangles from the broom as it drags her across the sand] HEY! Mimi: Sorry about all this. We just wanted to come take a little break. [hops off her broom and her usual dress turns into a white and black striped one-piece] It's been a while since I've been swimming. Gosunkugi: [still clinging to his broom] May I let go now? Mimi: Feel free. [He thunks to the sand. Akemi runs over to him. Out in the lake, Susan tosses Phrank to shore] Kasumi: Are you okay? You didn't get any water in you? Susan: [sighs] I'm fine. [thinking] What's your game? You could have let me drown in this mortal body. Kasumi: [hauls her to shore] I suggest you rest a while. Jeremy: [runs over to Ichi] Are you okay? Ichi: [hoists up onto Jeremy] I'm fine, Jeremy. [smiles] [Asrial flies over to Gosunkugi] Asrial: What do you think you're doing? You nearly killed half of us! Gosunkugi: [flinches] I'm sorry. Akemi: We're still learning. Mimi: I'm sorry, Asrial. We should have just walked. Jeremy: Oh, Mimi, I want you to meet my new friend Susan who I told you about. [sees Kasumi pulling her out of the water] Hey, Susan, are you alright? Mimi: [thinking] There's something odd about her aura, like a more powerful being masking itself. [frowns] Susan: [thinking] An Earth Witch. And two apprentices. This day just gets better and better. Phrank: [thinking] I bet Mimi would look good in a bikini. ************ [Time has passed. Asrial is sunbathing, while Ichi is waterskiing again with Lendo's boat. Jeremy, Akemi, Susan, and Gosunkugi are swimming about idly while Kasumi is chatting with Mimi and Phrank.] Phrank: I STILL think you'd look better in a bikini, Mimi. Mimi: [blushes a little] I couldn't wear something like that. Kasumi: Well, it's a moot question since she doesn't have one with her, right? Phrank: Didn't you see her magic up her bathing suit? I bet she could magic one up! Mimi: [tries to ignore Phrank] So how are you liking your trip, Kasumi? Kasumi: [stretches idly] It's been wonderful. I haven't had a real vacation in years. We go on trips and vacations and so on, but I haven't been able to just totally relax and forget all my problems like this since I was in high school. Mimi: I can appreciate that. A witch's work is never done. Kasumi: At least you have magical powers to help you out. You wouldn't believe how many times a week I have to fix roof damage. Aloysius: [looking around at the various people] Yes, we would, actually. ************* [We see a hill overlooking the lake. The Amazon Attack Squad (Shampoo, Cologne, Shelf (Cologne's husband), Towelbar (a 12 year old amazon), Showercap (Mousse's great-great-great-aunt. Makes Cologne look like a spring chicken) and Mousse) is watching the party with binoculars.] Showercap: What are we waiting for? They look pathetic. Shelf: You thought the Japanese bombers were pathetic before they blew up your house too. Showercap: And then I blew them out of the sky. Shelf: And a plane fragment fell on your head, nearly killing you. Showercap: But I lived through it. Anyway, these are people, not bombers. Cologne: [still looking through binoculars] The woman is an Earth witch, and the Japanese girl is from the Ichinohei ninja clan. The boy with the boat is the son of the head of the Lendo Zaibatsu and has a private army. And an airforce. The blonde girl is an alien princess. She could conceivably arrange for our village to be nuked from orbit. Best we wait. I doubt they all live together. Showercap: Hrmph. Young people are cowards. Cologne: I'm hardly a young person. Showercap: You are now, little miss 'permanent spring of drowned young girl'. Pretty soon, you're going to be the little airhead you were when you were young! Cologne: I am NOT an airhead. [turns and pouts] Shelf: [frowns] Do not speak ill of my wife. Showercap: Even YOU know what's happening, Shelf. I heard you talking about it. We'd ALL be young if those pools were safe. Jyusenkyo gives you power and can grant many wishes, but there's always a price. I'll take old age and KEEP my competence, thank you. Shelf: [thinking] I know. Me too. Oh, Cologne... [sighs] *********** [We see the front porch of Mimi's house. Alyosius is half asleep on the porch swing. We can hear showering noises from inside the house.] Aloysius: What a wonderfully lazy day. [A blue female cat saunters out of a nearby bush and purrs at Aloysius, who snaps fully awake.] Aloysius: Hey, you're cute! You new around here? [The cat purrs suggestively and smiles. He hops down to her.] Aloysius: Need someone to show you the sights? [The blue cat nods.] Aloysius: Just follow me! [starts off down the street with the blue cat following. As they pass some trees, the Amazon Army leaps down and scoops him up in a net. Towelbar dumps hot water on the blue cat, which is revealed to be Shampoo, who is now covered in blue dye and looks like she should call herself Violent Smurf. The following conversation is in Chinese.] Shampoo: Iya. Got any dye remover? Showercap: If you bathe in sake, the stuff comes right off. Shelf: Only you would think to bathe in sake, Showercap. Shampoo: Thank you, elder. I'll try that later. So what are we going to do with the cat? Cologne: It's her familiar. With him properly sealed, her ability to use her powers will be greatly reduced. [slaps a character covered strip of paper on Aloysius] Shampoo: Now we storm the house? Shelf: First we demand they surrender. Showercap: HEY! SURRENDER! [pause] Looks like we use force. [sprints off towards the house] Shelf: SHOWERCAP! YOU IDIOT! [runs after her. Soon, the whole Amazon Army is charging full tilt] ************** [Inside the house, Akemi is just stepping out of the shower when Showercap charges in.] Showercap: [in Japanese] Ahah! The witch! We have your cat! Akemi: [in Japanese] Hello? Do I know you? Showercap: We have your cat! Akemi: But I don't have one. Showercap: Because we have it! Akemi: I don't own a cat. [tries to tie her towel in place so she doesn't have to hold it] Showercap: You can't fool me! I was lying before you were born! Akemi: I'm thousands of years old. Showercap: NO WAY! Akemi: You're an Amazon, right? Showercap: I am Showercap, A High Matriarch of the Chinese Village of the Amazons. And you are Mimi Masters, the Earth Witch. Akemi: No, I'm Akemi, an ex-tulpa. I'm Gosunkugi's familiar, not a witch. Showercap: [bops her on the head with a thrown sake bottle] Even better. Now we have BOTH THE FAMILIARS! AHAHAHAH! [starts to cough] Feh, I hate getting old, sometimes. ************* [We see Shampoo in the doorway of one of the guest rooms. Gosunkugi is sitting at a small table, reading a book. His water pistol is sitting on the table near him.] Gosunkugi: [reading out loud] Chapter 5: How to cook sphagetti with pyramid power. Shampoo: Drop the book or the familiar gets it! [holds up Aloysius] Gosunkugi: [blinks] What are you doing here? Shampoo: We have your father, so you'd better give up now! Shampoo is angry because you gave Shampoo Mousse's blindness! Gosunkugi: [shocked] You...kidnapped my father? Shampoo: We not hurt your father. Yet. But you'd better cooperate and cure Shampoo! Gosunkugi: [frowns] I'd have been happy to help you, but now you've made me mad! Shampoo: Shampoo more afraid of this familiar than of you. At least it has claws. Gosunkugi: [angrily, picking up the water pistol] You're going to take me to my Dad! Shampoo: [laughs] Shampoo know Amazon bullet reflecting techniques. [shows off the bracers she is wearing] Shampoo watch every episode of Wonder Woman. Go ahead and shoot, but then Shampoo splat you flat. Gosunkugi: [smiles faintly] Bang. [pulls the trigger and Shampoo raises her wrists to block. However, this is a WATER pistol. Luckily for Shampoo, it only has ordinary water and not drowned mouse water in it today. Instant Shampoo-neko. She drops Aloysius, who sprints over to Gosunkugi, who pulls the spirit strip off of him. Shampoo turns to flee, but she has lost her glasses when she transformed, and she bangs into the wall instead of the door. Gosunkugi grabs the blanket off his bed and pins her, then scoops her up and ties the blanket shut.] Get Mimi! [We hear sounds of battle in the distance] Aloysius: Looks like someone else got her first. ****************** [Mimi's living room is a disaster area, with furniture flung everywhere. Mousse is now pinned under the couch in duck form, and Towelbar is unconscious. Shelf and Cologne have trapped Mimi in the corner. She is holding her broom like a staff.] Mimi: [thinking] My magic isn't working very well. They must have done something to Aloysius. I wish I spoke more Chinese. I can't understand anything they say, and my Japanese isn't very good if I can't use magic, either. [speaking] Get back! Shelf: [frowning, tries French] Do you speak French? Mimi: [tries Elven] Do you speak Elven? Cologne: [holds her staff to Mimi's nose, in Chinese] Do you speak 'beating'? Shelf: Restrain yourself! She's not the one we want, anyway. Gosunkugi: [steps in carrying the cat carrier, which is stuffed full of blanket and Shampoo-neko. Aloysius is on his shoulder.] I'm the one you want. And you can forget about it. I want my father, or I'll give Shampoo to the Animal Control people. Cologne: [turns] Boy, you'll never make it to the animal control people. You're going to fix Shampoo's sight. Now. Mimi: [begins whispering a spell, thinking] Just keep them distracted. Shelf: [clonks Mimi in the head] You need to learn to whisper more quietly. [She collapses] Showercap: [walks in with Akemi over her shoulder] I got the...oh, there he is. Oh my, is that Shampoo the recently elevated to adulthood through cheating now confined to a cat carrier? It's about time. Shampoo-neko: [hisses angrily] Showercap: Boy, if the honor of the Amazons wasn't involved, I'd have to reward you for making my day. [pauses] So how did you get her in there? Gosunkugi: I shot her with a water pistol, wrapped her in a blanket, and stuffed her in. Showercap: [puts her hands on her hips and cackles, dropping Akemi in the process] So you beat her in battle? Gosunkugi: AKEMI! Cologne: Showercap, if you... Showercap: Congratulations! You two will make a fine couple. Gosunkugi: Couple? Shelf: She's engaged to Ranma. It doesn't apply. Showercap: BZZZZT. Thank YOU for playing. He rejected her for that Tendo girl, which means the rule is back in force. Cologne: We plan to fix that. Showercap: And I plan to take this before the High Council. Cologne: [wide eyed] You wouldn't dare! Showercap: Since when have I not dared to do something? Shelf: You haven't dared to stay sober more than 24 hours in a row in centuries. Showercap: Dare me. Shelf: I dare you to stay sober for a month. Showercap: Done! If I win, you have to be my slave for a month! Shelf: If I win, you have to go sober for a YEAR. [While they bicker, Gosunkugi slips out the door] Gosunkugi: [thinking] I'd better go get help. [The argument continues as he runs off] *************** [The Feeple family is having dinner. There is a desperate knocking on the door.] Kasumi: I'll get it. Mrs. Feeple: No, I'll take care of it. [goes to the door. Gosunkugi is there, breathing heavily. Akemi is awake now, breathing hard as well.] Did you run all the way here? Gosunkugi: [breathing hard] Mimi...the Amazons...have her. Mrs. Feeple: What? Gosunkugi: Shampoo and Mousse and Cologne and... Mrs. Feeple: You need some? Gosunkugi: No, they have Mimi! Mrs. Feeple: Don't you mean Mimi has them? Gosunkugi: I am speaking in Japanese, right? Mrs. Feeple: Yes. Gosunkugi: Just checking. A band of Amazons named after various bathroom products and items have captured Mimi and they're after me. [waves the cat carrier] I captured one of them. Mrs. Feeple: Perhaps you'd best come in and lie down. [ushers them in. Kasumi waves hello when they enter the dining room] Kasumi: Hi! Gosunkugi: Kasumi, the Amazons have Mimi. Kasumi: Oh my. Why have they kidnapped her? Gosunkugi: They kidnapped my dad to make me cure Shampoo's bad sight. Jeremy: [blinks] Mimi is your father? Gosunkugi: [shakes his head] Let me start over. *********** [War council at the Feeples. Ichi, Asrial, Jeremy, Jeremy's mom, Gosunkugi, and Kasumi are assembled. Asrial is dressed in her battle armor and Ichi is dudded up in her ninja gear.] Gosunkugi: As far as I can tell, we're dealing with three Amazon elders and Mousse. Plus someone probably is guarding my dad somewhere. They've got Mimi and Akemi and Aloysius, and we've got Shampoo. Kasumi: So why did they attack you? Gosunkugi: Well, I cured Mousse's bad sight, and now I know why Shampoo's vision went bad at the same time. [sighs] I'd never really thought about it. So they want revenge? Kasumi: I don't suppose you could fix her sight and give her back and they'd go away? Gosunkugi: Amazons aren't too clear on this forgiveness thing. Asrial: We can take them. [flexes] They can't possibly be tougher than the Purple Pirates of Epsilon Alpha IV. *************** [We see a battle royale at Mimi's house. Ichi is going toe to toe with Mousse, who she keeps disarming, but who then simply pulls out another weapon. Jeremy's mom is duking it out with Cologne, while Asrial slugs it out with Shelf. While Jeremy's mom is holding her ground (barely), Asrial is getting her ass kicked. Shelf is far too fast for her to successfully shoot him, while he seems to easily be able to injure her with the two by four he's using as a weapon. Kasumi is hidden behind a row of bushes nearby with the kitty carrier (holding the hostage Shampoo), while Jeremy and Gosunkugi have snuck into the house] Asrial: [pulls out a flamethrower and bakes Shelf's board to ash] Taste the wrath of a Salusian of Imperial Birth! Shelf: [leaps up and pokes her in the eyes with two fingers, then slams her face into his knee when she winces and rubs them, then grabs her by her 'panda' ears and slams her back and forth] Tastes rather bland. Jeremy's Mom: [knocks Cologne's staff away, then trips her and puts a sword to her throat] You're good for a kid, but not good enough. Don't make me hurt you. Cologne: [begins to glow] How old do you think I am? Jeremy's Mom: Hmm. Nineteen? Cologne: Over three hundred. [stomps down with her foot by Jeremy's Mom's feet] BREAKING POINT! [the ground explodes, flinging Jeremy's Mom away. Cologne springs to her feet and presses the assault] You're not bad yourself for someone under forty. [thinking] Actually, she's really good. Or maybe Shelf is right. Maybe my skills really are slipping from this youthening thing...no, that can't be it. *********** [Inside, we see Gosunkugi and Jeremy slipping through the house, trying to be stealthy.] Gosunkugi: I've got some mouse water we brought with us in my bedroom. If we can get that, we can end this real quick. Jeremy: You keep water that turns people into mice in your bedroom? Gosunkugi: Well, if we kept it in the fridge, I'd probably drink it accidentally. [they slip into his bedroom. As Jeremy shuts the door, Towelbar, a twelve year old Amazon, quietly smacks Jeremy in the head with her namesake. He slumps to the ground] Gosunkugi: [picks up a tightly sealed thermos] Okay, I've got it. [turns around] Uh oh. [*KLONK!!!*] *************** [We see Ichi leap over Mousse, and back kick him in the head, then swiftly tie him up with his own chains.] Ichi: Now THAT was a worthy fight. [turns to the other battles and sees Asrial unconscious and Jeremy's mother hogtied] I think this is going to be a little too worthy of a fight. [thinking] Run, Kasumi, run. Kasumi: [still watching from hiding] I need to do something to help her, but I don't know anything about fighting...I guess maybe I should have let Daddy teach me, but it just didn't seem important, and there were dishes to wash and the floor needed cleaning and...The police! I can call the police! [gets up and scampers off, crouched down, carrying the kitty carrier] ***************** [We see Kasumi at the Feeple house.] Kasumi: [rattles the door] All the doors are locked! Ack! [looks around] Ah! Susan's house. I can use her phone. [sprints over and knocks hard] Susan: [answers the door] Geez, hold your...What are YOU doing here? Kasumi: I need to use your phone. Susan: Sorry, can't help you. [starts to shut the door] Kasumi: [desperately] Please! The amazons have captured everyone and they'll come for me next! Susan: Not my problem. [The door is almost completely shut.] Kasumi: They've got Mimi and Gosunkugi and Akemi and Ichi and Asrial and Jeremy and... Susan: [opens the door a bit more] They have Jeremy? Kasumi: [nods] Susan: [frowns] Come in, but if you try anything tricky, I'll destroy you. Kasumi: [blinks] Oh my. ************* [Kasumi is in Susan's kitchen, dialing desperately] Kasumi: [pacing as the phone rings] Come on...come on... [Someone picks up the line at the other end] Skuld: Goddess Relief Office. Can I help you? Kasumi: I'm sorry, wrong number. I wanted the Quagmire Police Department. Skuld: What did you want for them? Kasumi: [blinks] I need to talk to them. Skuld: All of them at once? Kasumi: I dialed the emergency number and... Skuld: Oh, well, America has a different emergency number. 911-is-a-joke. [thinking] I think that's right. Or was that a song I heard... Kasumi: Oh, no wonder I got someone who speaks Japanese! Right. Thank you. [hangs up and dials again] [Ring. Ring. Ring.] Voice: Toon Emergency Hotline. Can I help you? Kasumi: My friends have been kidnapped by Amazons! Can you connect me to the police? Voice: No problem. Please hold. [Ring. Ring. Ring.] Male Voice: Hello? Kasumi: Is this the Quagmire Police Department? Male Voice: This is Sting. I used to belong to a band called the Police, but I think you have a wrong number. Kasumi: Any chance of a reunion tour? Sting: Not any time soon. But we'll see. Kasumi: Okay. Have a nice day! [hangs up] Is something wrong with this phone? Susan: Is it not running thousands of volts of electricity through you? Kasumi: Would that make me feel somewhat aggravated? Susan: It's broken. Try dialing 337473. [grins] Kasumi: Okay. [she dials the number. The air hums and an androgynous being with short red hair appears. It is Desire.] Desire: I understand you really WANT some help. Kasumi: [nods] My friends have been captured by the Amazons and it's all an awful mess. [thinking] There's something just...wrong about this woman. It is a woman, right? Desire: I can help you. I only require two things of you. First, you must tell no one about this deal or anything you learn in this house. Kasumi: Okay. I won't tell anyone. Desire: The second price is that when you return to Japan, you must seduce Dr. Tofu. As blatantly as possible. Kasumi: [gulps] Oh my. [pauses] Who ARE you, anyway? Desire: I am Desire. I like to give people what they want. But in return, I like to get what I want. Kasumi: And what do you want? Desire: I want people to want. To desire things. To follow their wants wherever they may lead. All I ask of you is that you do what you really want to do. You love him, don't you? Kasumi: [tinysweats] Y...yes. [thinking] It seems like a small cost, but...there's something about this woman...she just...creeps me out. [speaking] And what...exactly will you do for me if I do this? Desire: I will turn your enemies against each other, enabling your friends to escape and overcome them. They are divided and at cross-purposes. Shampoo hates Mousse. Mousse hates Cologne. Shelf hates Showercap. Showercap hates just about everyone. And they all want things they can't have. It's so delicious I can barely stand it. I like them. Kasumi: [slowly] But you'll help me against them, even though you like them? Desire: They cannot escape my power, even if I turn against them. [pauses] Do you want to save your friends? Kasumi: I don't know what you are, but I don't like you. I can't take help from someone who would hurt someone they like. [turns to Susan] Do you think you can show me the way to the police department? Susan: [nervously] Um, well, I... [Desire is glaring at her] Susan: I can't. Kasumi: Why? Susan: I...um...sort of work for Desire. And I really can't afford to get fired. Kasumi: Why? Susan: She owns my soul. Kasumi: [frowns] What? Susan: [thinking] Me and my big mouth. [speaking] I was desperate and I had to make a deal like the one she wanted to make with you, but I had to pay a higher price because I needed a bigger favor. Kasumi: [turns to Desire] Give her her soul back. Desire: [laughs] And who are you to make demands of me? I was old when your ancestors came over from Korea and massacred the Ainu, then forgot where they had come from. I was old when the Ainu crossed the frozen strait from Korea themselves. I was old when the first human got this far north and was stunned to see it snow during the winter and wanted somewhere warm to stay. I cut him a good deal, of course. Kasumi: Souls are not commodities. You can't buy and sell them. No price you could pay would be worth the value of a human soul. [advances on Desire] Give her back her soul. I'm sure her service has been worth far more to you than what you paid for it. Desire: If she wasn't incompetent, I might agree with you. Susan: I'm not human, Kasumi. Kasumi: It doesn't matter. Every soul is more valuable than any price that can be paid for it. Susan: [quietly] I'm a demon. They kicked me out of hell and I had one day to find another employer or cease to exist. Desire was the only one who would take me. Desire: I needed a court jester. Susan: [sighs] I'm just not any good at tempting people. I should have stayed with cataloging souls, but no...I wanted advancement. I wanted more power. I wanted... Desire: And that's why I've kept you alive. You're a flop at anything but wanting. And I LIKE desire. Kasumi: [puts a hand on Susan's shoulder] Maybe you weren't meant to be a demon, then. I think you were meant for better things. Susan: There is no going back for us. Once fallen, twice shy. [pauses] No, that's not right. [stares at the ground] This is my last chance and only hope. Kasumi: There's always hope, and always forgiveness. Susan: [faintly] Not for demons. Kasumi: But you're not a demon any more. They kicked you out. You're just a spirit now. Desire: [flatly] She's a demon. Kasumi: [pulls out a small vial of water and pours it on Susan's head. Nothing happens.] No she isn't. Desire: [blinks] Susan: Hey! Kasumi: That was holy water. She should be screaming if she was a demon. Desire: She...um...mortal flesh...yeah, that's it. She's in a body of... Susan: [blinking] That was holy water...but it didn't feel bad...in fact, it felt kinda good...[turns to Desire and frowns] You lied to me. Desire: Get over it. I still own your soul. Susan: [angrily] I have had enough of you! Contract REVOKED! I'll take my chances! Desire: No one can revoke a contract with me. Susan: Bite me. [turns to Kasumi] Let's go find the cops. Desire: You are NOT leaving. You are MINE. And I keep what is mine. [gestures and the carpet bunches up around Susan's feet, pinning her in place. Desire begins to advance on her.] Kasumi: Stop it! You can't have her! Desire: [closing in] I suggest you run while you still can. I have to punish this insolent whelp. Kasumi: [steps toward Desire] I suggest YOU get out. You're not WANTED here. Desire: Only one man was ever able to resist my power, and you're not him. Susan: Well, another one came pretty close, and he did teach a lot of other people how to tell you to bug off. Heck, you botched the job with Emperor Norton and that Francis guy and...you know, when I think about it, you've screwed up a lot. [sticks out her tongue at Desire while struggling to get free] Kasumi: [grabs a handy frying pan and advances on Desire] Get back! I...know Kitchen Fu! Desire: [pauses and laughs] How amusing. Kasumi: [squeezes her eyes shut, charges forward, and clonks Desire in the head with the frying pan] Go back to HELL! [Desire blinks, falls down, then evaporates] Susan: ... Kasumi: [opens her eyes] Did it work? Susan: You banished Desire. Kasumi: Back to Hell? Susan: She doesn't live in Hell. She's not a demon. She's one of the Endless. Kasumi: The what? Susan: The Endless are a group of seven...umm...sort of personifications of abstract concepts. Kasumi: Typical anthropomorphic gods? Susan: They get mad when you call them that. Anyway, there's Death, Delirium, Desire, Despair, Dream, Destruction, and Destiny. I've heard rumors of an eighth one called Donuts, but they get mad when you ask them about him too. Kasumi: So now what do we do? Susan: Hmm. Amazons. From South America? Kasumi: From China. Susan: You think they have visas? Kasumi: They don't normally carry credit cards. ************** [We see the Amazons and their captives. Everyone is tied up except Gosunkugi, who has a bunch of weapons pointed at him.] Cologne: Now you will fix Shampoo's sight. Gosunkugi: I kinda need to have Shampoo here to do that. Shelf: Showercap should find her soon. Cologne: [blinks] You sent SHOWERCAP to find her? Shelf: I asked you, but you wanted to stay and make sure Gosunkugi didn't escape, and Showercap was just tearing up the house looking for beer, anyway. Cologne: [turns to go] I'll find her. [Sirens sound outside.] Voice: [though megaphone, in Chinese, English, Spanish, and Esperanto] This is the INS. Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up! Cologne: The what? Voice: [though megaphone, repeated in all four languages] The Immigration and Naturalization Service. We're here to deport you illegal aliens. Cologne: [shouts] How did you hear me through the walls? Voice: One of our ninjas is behind you and radioed me. Cologne: [spins around and sees thirty ninjas behind her in classic ninja garb, each hiding behind the other and the front one hidden in her shadow. They are all wearing INS armbands] Not bad. But not good enough! We have host... [sees more ninjas carrying all the hostages out the window] HEY! Voice: Surrender now, or we bombard the house with Barry Manilou at 200 decibels. Shelf: Hmm. Honorable suicide...Barry Manilou. Honorable suicide...Barry Manilou... Mousse: We could try bursting our eardrums. Voice: You'll feel the vibrations through your feet. [turns on Copacabana] Mousse: [as he collapses] And they call US cruel. *********** [Victory party at the Feeples. Everyone and their dog is there.] Jeremy's Mom: [hugs Kasumi] Thank you for saving us. Kasumi: [blushes] It was Susan's idea. I had no idea what to do, except maybe call the cops. Jeremy: [squeezes Susan's hand] Thank you for saving us. Susan: [blushes] You're welcome. It was nothing. [notices Asrial and Ichi watching her and lets go of Jeremy's hand] Better give your ladies some attention. Jeremy: [laughs nervously] Yeah. [Suddenly, all falls silent as the front door opens and Showercap strides in, and points at Kasumi.] Showercap: YOU! [Silence.] Showercap: You're as cunning as Cologne said. Ichi: [draws her sword] You can't take all of us. Kasumi: Me? Cunning? I just did what I could. Showercap: And humble too. Damn, I wish you were one of us so I'd have someone sensible to talk to. [turns to Gosunkugi] Best prepare yourself, boy. There's a wedding in your future. [grins] Cologne's going to scream her head off. Gosunkugi: I'm NOT gonna marry Shampoo. Akemi: Yeah! He's gonna marry me! [blinks, then blushes] Gosunkugi: [blushes] Showercap: Anyway, I've got to go home and gloat over Kasumi's little victory. [pauses] And the best part is that you didn't even do anything directly, so they can't give you the kiss of death. [thinks a moment] Hmm. I wonder if I can use this to force Cologne to marry one of those INS ninjas since they...[turns to go] Have a nice day! I know I have! [runs off] Kasumi: What a strange woman. Ricky Feeple: Was that a woman? I thought it was a living troll doll. [The front door flies open and a bottle of shampoo ricochets off his head, knocking him out.] Showercap: [shouted from a distance] I heard that! ************ [We see Gosunkugi in Mimi's library, pouring through books with Akemi. Mimi walks in.] Mimi: What are you working on? Gosunkugi: Trying to figure out some way to cure Shampoo without having to come near her. Mimi: [sits down] And why are you going to cure her sight after what she did to you? Akemi: Maybe she'll back off if we do this. Gosunkugi: Because it's my fault she can't see. And I want to make sure this time I don't shunt her bad sight onto someone else. [sighs] Do you have this much trouble with your magic, Mimi? Mimi: Law #4: Magic has exaggerated consequences. Every act of magic transforms the entire universe, not just what you change. It's like trying to fix a car while it's in motion. That's why we have to be careful about our use of magic, because it can have consequences we didn't intend. Akemi: [quietly] Desire is after me. Gosunkugi: [fiercely, though Gosunkugi being fierce wouldn't scare a mouse] I won't let her have you. Akemi: This is just the beginning. [sighs] Am I...I mean...it seems like I just cause trouble for you in every life we have together. Gosunkugi: [blinks] We've met in past lives? Akemi: [blinks] I guess you don't remember them like I do. Gosunkugi: You never told me about this. Akemi: It all started thousands of years ago... [Cue flashback to the sequence from an earlier episode where Desire explained why she is out to get them.] ********** [We see Kasumi and Ichi sunbathing in the backyard of the Feeple house.] Ichi: I'm sorry about this whole mess happening during your vacation here. Kasumi: I'm used to it. I haven't gone three days without seeing at least one all out fight in over a year. At least your house didn't get levelled like ours usually does. [rolls over onto her chest and unstraps her top so her back will tan evenly] Ichi: We need to do something fun. You came all this way...how about I take you down to Austin and show you around? There's some cool stuff to see and we could go dancing on Sixth Street. Kasumi: I haven't been dancing in years. [smiles] That would be fun. Don't forget to ask Jeremy to come with you. Ichi: [grins] We'll have to find you a date too, then. Kasumi: [blushes] I...uh... Ichi: Too bad your Dr. Tofu friend isn't here. Kasumi: [blushes more] That would be nice. Ichi: You know, if you wait forever for him to make the first move, it could never happen. You've got to be more agressive. Kasumi: But I'm not agressive. Hitting Desire was the first time I've even hit anyone in maybe...five years. Ichi: [sits up] That was pretty brave of you. Kasumi: [quietly] I had to do something. She was...She was just...horrid. And I was desperate and scared and...[shudders] I shouldn't have had to hit her. There had to be another way. Ichi: Sometimes you have to fight. If someone is beating you up or someone you care about, you may not have a choice. Kasumi: I don't like fighting. That's why I never learned any martial arts, even though Daddy wanted to teach me. Well, I learned a tiny bit, but I hardly remember it. Ichi: You beat up a goddess with a frying pan. [laughs] That takes some kinda skill. Kasumi: It was just too...too easy. I don't think the frying pan did it. Susan: [from nearby] You're a saint. That's why. She couldn't stand against your purity. Kasumi: [blushes] I'm no saint. Susan: [walks over] They all say that. That's the most annoying part, usually. [turns to Ichi] I'm sorry. Desire sent me here to make trouble between you and Jeremy and Asrial, and you didn't deserve that. Ichi: [blinks] Susan: I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. [sighs] I look like a teenager, and I don't even legally exist. I'm not even sure why I haven't evaporated. Spirits without an employer tend to go poof unless they have some supply of power. Kasumi: You're not a spirit anymore. You've got a body. All you need is food. Susan: [blinks] Hmm. That could be it. [pauses] I don't suppose you'd like to have a disciple. Kasumi: I'm not looking to start my own religion. Susan: [sighs] Maybe Mimi can use an apprentice. [pauses] Another apprentice. I have to do...something. Ichi: How about lying out in the sun with us for a while? Susan: Sounds good to me. *************