This Story No Title A School Rumble Fanfic Chapter 17: Exams! Exams in the Deep! By John Biles **************** Eri grumbled to herself. Stupid army confiscating her books. She could probably have found some way to get them all out of the cells if only they'd let her keep the books. Also, she was going to kill Mikoto for calling Imadori. What kind of a crazy idea was that? Even if my parents would kill me and maybe all of us, we should have called them; they'll get us out of here. There was one good thing, though; at least Yakumo couldn't make any moves on Kenji. She could be content with that. ************ All alone in a room with no need to think. Harima was in heaven, for now. ************ Akira wished very much that Itoko hadn't been dragged with them, as from outside, she could have gotten them sprung out of this joint by now. On the inside, with no way to make contact...she was helpless. Indeed, the entire Sukuran Tea Club was in captivity here. Only she and Itoko even knew how to contact other Tea Club cells yet. Still, there had to be SOME way out of here. She just hadn't figured it out yet. ************ Yakumo watched soldiers go back and forth past the cell that she, Satsuki, and Sara were in. Company helped, but she wished she had Kenji with her. And her books. And her big sister. One wish was granted as the door opened and they shoved Tenma in. She could see flashes of their thoughts; the soldiers were clearly confused as to what was going on. Her powers had definitely gotten stronger; maybe more than she would have liked when she realized one of the soldiers was checking Sara out. She instinctively shielded Sara with her own body, startling Sara, then turned to her sister when the door closed. "Onee-chan!" "I'm okay," Tenma said. "I refused to give them anything but my name, rank, and serial number." "You have a serial number?" Satsuki asked. "I like Product 19, when we can afford it," Tenma said. "..." Tenma hugged Yakumo. "Don't worry, little sis, I'm sure they'll soon figure out this is a misunderstanding. There's hardly any chance they'll think we're terrorists and ship us off to some secret prison." "I think we're already IN the secret prison," Satsuki said. "I didn't realize it had a jail, but this is where NORAD is based," Sara said. "And I guess where the US army conducts secret experimental travel to fantasy worlds." "To level up their commandos, no doubt," Tenma said. "Anyway, I refused to give up any of our secrets." "We have secrets?" Satsuki asked. "They'll have to kill me to get Mother's secret brownie recipe!" Tenma said, waving her fists in the air. Delightful, Satsuki thought. I'm sure Japan will be safer because of you. She sighed and flopped back on the bed. "You think our boyfriends are okay?" "I'm sure they're fine," Sara said. "They're very sensible." Beat. "Well, mine and Yakumo's." Beat. "Mine." Beat. "I hope." ************* "Sir, two of the prisoners are fighting," Cpl. Blank said to Sgt. Roll. "Let them clobber each other," he said. "Kids need to learn some discipline." "Yes, sir." ************* "State your name," the interrogator said. "Lala Gonzales," Lala said, sitting sternly in her chair. "Daughter of Arturo Gonzales." The dusky-skinned Captain tapped his check. "Hmm, name sounds familiar...You're a Mexican national, right?" "Yes, sir. My last name is very common in Mexico, like your Smith." Lala wanted to scream and rage, but desperately controlled herself. "And my father was El Platado Zorro, the Silver Fox as you'd say it, before his retirement." From too much damn drinking, she thought. "The Silver...THE SILVER FOX? As in 'The Silver Fox and Santa vs. Dracula and Wolfman?'" he asked. Lala cringed. Another terrible movie her father had appeared in that had somehow made a ton of money, but of course he hadn't seen much of it. "Yes." The man got out his intercom. "Hey, everyone, the Silver Fox's daughter is here! Come on down to room 1187." Soon, Lala found herself surrounded by soldiers trying to get autographs, asking questions, trying to get her phone number, taking pictures of her, and generally treating her like royalty. It was rather flattering, really, and they gave her a proper bedroom instead of a cell. On the other hand, she now had the impression they wanted to keep her as their own totem of celebrity. Which might not work so well. Papa, thank you, she thought. You got me OUT of trouble instead of INTO it, for once. ************* "I will translate for you," the expert translator, a short, skinny man who was actually Korean by ancestry, said. "Oh, I speak English well," the young lady said in English. "I'm ready for my test." She sat down opposite the interrogator, a tall, muscular black man. "State your name," the interrogator said. Karen smiled broadly at the interrogator, who felt embarrassed at interrogating such a cute young lady. "I'm Ichijou Karen. Nice to meet you." "Where are you from?" "Tokyo, Japan. I attend Sukuran School." She continued to smile brightly, and the interrogator fidgeted. How could he keep someone so bright and cheerful locked up in this dingy place? "Grade?" "Eleventh, according to the American system. Second Year High School by Japan's. Class 2-C," Karen said. Her voice had a lyrical tilt to it; he could just listen to it forever, really. There were scuffling noises in the hallway. The interrogator frowned. "What the hell is going out there?" The translator, having nothing to do, stuck his head out. "One of the drug dogs is getting frisky a little too much." "Stupid dogs," the man mumbled. "Anyway, please explain how you got into this high security facility." "Didn't you see us come in through the stargate?" She blinked. So cute and innocent, he thought. Really, there's not much point in her being handcuffed. She's just a kid like the others. They could hear the dog barking wildly. Damn dog, he thought. "Humor me." "Well, it started with some people going to the wilderness..." Karen began explaining everything. She had reached, "And then I got sick from the mushrooms," when he saw the crazed looking drug dog come running in the door, looking half angry and half stoned. The damn thing kept finding people's private stashes and raiding them. More like a 'druggie dog' in the interrogator's opinion. It bowled over the translator and was leaping at Karen from behind. Time seemed to slow down, the dog leaping in a frenzy at the poor, cute girl from behind, the interrogator going for his gun but not sure if he could shoot safely and then... And then Karen's eyes glazed and she vaulted out of her chair, flipping up and catching the dog with her legs. She spun on one hand and redirected the dog into the wall, then flipped along the table to come down on it, feet to the head. As the dog flailed, she seized it and leaped straight up and twisted to land on it, knocking it out as her mass helped push it into the concrete floor. Then she suddenly looked panicked. "Oh, you poor doggie, I hope I didn't hurt you," she said, petting his head. "You shouldn't surprise me like that." The interrogator stared in shock. "How..." She could probably break those handcuffs and kill us all any time she wanted to, he thought. But she seems so nice. She got back in her chair. "I'm sorry I interrupted the story, sir. Anyway, so I was getting sick..." He listened to the whole thing. "So, you say you can sing?" "Yes, sir," she said. "A little. The rest of our band is better." "You brought your band with you?" he asked. "Yes." Hmm, the base did need entertainment...time to talk to the commander. **************** Tani-sensei finished explaining everything. It would sound crazy, but what else could he possibly tell them? There were no plausible lies in this situation. "Hmm. I have only one final question," the tall skinny white interrogator said. "Yes, sir?" "How did you ever get two women to shack up with you at once? I HAVE TO KNOW. I'll smuggle you out of here myself if you'll only teach me your secret!" the interrogator said desperately. "..." ************ Nakamura, Eri's butler, stared out the window of the limousine. Why was one of the little miss' classmates running down the street mostly naked being pelted by girls with some sort of...nuts? Male solidarity forced him to intervene, pulling over and opening a door. "Hop in," he said. The boy took the chance and jumped into the car. "THANK YOU," he said. "You are the best person who ever lived." "You are one of the little miss' classmates, correct?" Nakamura asked. "Uhh..." He studied the man. "Are you Eri-chan's butler?" "Yes," he said, surprised the boy referred to her so familiarly. "Praise Doujibiron!" the boy shouted. "She's in big trouble." "She's been gone quite a while. If her parents paid more attention to her, I think she'd be grounded for all of eternity by now," Nakamura said. "But the old ninja clan doesn't seem to have her and our detectives came up blind." "The US Army is holding her prisoner in Cheyenne Mountain," Imadori said. "..." "I swear it's true!" he said. "We need a lawyer. And maybe a commando team." Well, it was a lead, Nakamura thought. It couldn't hurt to look into it. "Let's get you some clothing," he said. "Thanks. I am really grateful." Beat. "If utterly incapable of...well, if you want to learn how to pick up women..." I have neglected my duty to carry on the family line too long, Nakamura thought. "Deal." "Excellent." Imadori relaxed. "Umm...can I borrow a phone to call Mom and tell her I'm okay?" "There's one in the glove compartment." "Excellent. Thank you." Imadori began taking care of business. ************ Lala stared at the tape library. "All five of father's movies." The soldier with her nodded proudly. "We only have limited tapes to watch, so we've all seen these about a billion times." "You really liked Father's movies?" she asked in shock. "Yeah, they're a ton of fun," he said. "Not so impressed yourself, huh?" "I was very little when they got made," Lala said. "I just..." "Have you ever seen them?" the soldier asked. "Well...only the one with the Batman ripoff." "Here, take this one. You can watch it in your room," he said, removing one of the tapes. Later, Lala watched it in her room, and laughed and laughed. It was very silly, but it sucked her in and held her attention, and for a little while, she could forget all her problems, and sing along with the stupid songs and watch her father beat up badly costumed monsters. It hurt and felt good at the same time. "You have a lovely singing voice," Karen said. Lala half jumped out of her skin. "How did you get here?" "The soldiers brought me, after I mentioned we're in wrestling club together," Karen said. "What's this?" She looked at the movie. Lala wanted to hide it. "A movie." "Can I watch it with you?" Karen asked. "Do you sing often?" "I rarely feel the urge to sing," Lala said, grunting and making room on the bed. Karen came over and sat by her, and Lala felt nervous, having seen the other Lala and other Karen making out a lot. There was no reason to think her Karen wanted anything like that, but... Karen said, "You should join our band. We could use a second singer to handler the deeper stuff I don't do so well." "I...you want me to join your band?" Lala asked in surprise. "Sure," Karen said, watching the movie. "I'll have to ask the others, but I'm sure they won't mind." "I'm really not that good." "You'll do great. You always do at everything that interests you," Karen said, smiling at Lala. Lala crumpled in on herself a little. "You flatter me." "You're a great wrestler, and you could be a great singer," Karen said. Well, it might be fun to compete with her there, too, Lala thought. Even if performing made her nervous. But fear was something to fight and overcome. "Alright, I'll try it." "Good," Karen said. "Do you think they'll let us go?" "I'm sure they will," Karen said. "They seem very reasonable." *************** The concert for the troops was in full swing when the commander was pulled aside by one of the base military lawyers. "We have a court order for their release, sir." "Habeus Corpus?" "Yes. Also, our country's supply of Swedish porn will be cut off if we don't release them." "We can't have that," the base commander said. No more naked nordic women? That would be un-American. "Their story checked out, anyway, with the natives on the other side. Just a coincidence." "What about the secret things they've seen here?" the lawyer asked. "That's what a good solid hit in the head and whacky amnesia are for," the base commander said. "As you will, sir," the lawyer said. The base commander watched the six students jam. "They're pretty good, really." "And how many bands can say they played here?" "So true," the commander said. "Pity they won't remember it." "A pity." ************ Eri rubbed her head as she sat up; she was lying on a bed inside an odd room; the ceiling was a huge endless arch, all rounded; there was another bed across an aisle from her; Tenma and Mikoto were sprawled out on it. She felt something bump her back and twisting, she saw Akira very gently head-butting her in her sleep. Akira then curled her arms around Eri. "Kentarou-kun," she mumbled in her sleep. Where are we, Eri wondered. She remembered passing through the stargate...and now she was here. There were weird doors at either end of the room and these dinky little windows... She curled around, tangling herself with Akira to peer out. There were CLOUDS below and now she recognized distant engine roars. A plane? Wait, this was... The door opened and her mother walked in. "Eri- chan, I see..." She paused. Eri looked at how she and the sleeping Akira were tangled. "This isn't what it looks like!!!" "Given how you kissed that boy, I'd be surprised," her mother said. "Your father is going to go back in time and kill you before you were born. I'm just paying for the time machine." Eri paled. "Mother, I..." "You're lucky you have such a dedicated friend who brought this to our attention or you would still be in jail." "Jail?" Eri asked in confusion. "I was in jail?" "He must like you a lot to make helping you his first priority after being mugged," her mother said. "The poor boy was being chased by a delinquent girl gang when Nakamura found him." "I...who?" Eri asked. "Imadori Kyousuke. He's in the boy's room if you want to see him." "Running naked with women, that's him alright," Eri said, sighing. "Don't take that tone, young lady. He went to great lengths to help you, even though you won't give him the time of day." Her mother looked quite angry. "He's a woman-chasing pervert!" Eri protested. "He's a fine, respectable young man. Much better than the young delinquent you have your heart set on. That's why we've decided to engage you to him." Her mother made a gesture across her lips. "Don't even bother protesting." "You want...you engaged...you..." Eri began to shake, trying to repress the urge to violence. "TO IMADORI?" "His mother was quite agreeable," Eri's mother said. "Normally, we'd want someone richer, but how often can you find a young man of such high character?" "High...character..." The bed shook as Eri shook, and now Akira snapped awake, glanced at Eri, and disentangled herself. "Sawachika-sama," Akira said, bowing. "I am most grateful for your assistance." She looked around. "Are the others on board?" "A few of your male classmates are on board; everyone else is going to be on a commercial flight," Mrs. Sawachika said. "I expect everyone to observe the rules of propriety, however." "Of course," Akira said. "Is..." "Yes, he is," Mrs. Sawachika said. Tenma sat up groggily. "Hey, Eri-chan, Sawachika- san." She yawned. "Akira-chan, hi!" She looked around. "Am I dreaming of being filthy rich again?" "No, this is real," Mrs. Sawachika said. "You're on your way back to Japan." She frowned. "I tried to contact your parents, Tsukamoto-san, but they're out of Japan." "They're on the Grand Line," Tenma said, yawning, as Mikoto began to rise. "Did they leave you with a guardian?" Mrs. Sawachika asked, worried. "We're big enough to take care of ourselves, but if we need an adult, we call up Uncle Takumi. He's a lawyer." I wish you'd mentioned that when we only had one phone call, Eri thought. "Alright." Mrs. Sawachika seemed relieved. Mikoto had to be told everything when she finally got up, to which she responded, "Do you have a phone? I have to make sure..." "Your mother said your father is in Hokkaido, engaged in 'extreme training' of some new students," Mrs. Sawachika said. "Actually, two friends of mine, I need to see if they got home okay." Mrs. Sawachika passed her a phone. "Now that you're all awake, I'm sure Eri will want to tell you all about her engagement. And I have business to take care of. Suou- san, you can just give me that phone when we land; I have another." "Thanks!" "Engagement?" Tenma asked. Once her mother was gone, Eri punched her bed. "Mother engaged me to Imadori. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT." Tenma and Mikoto facefaulted. Akira said, "I find it hard to believe." "This is just... I cannot marry that man-whore." Eri tried to make herself stop shaking and hitting things. "I can't." "He's far too poor. Your parents would never do this," Akira said. "Logically speaking, this is probably a joke or possibly a punishment for running off." "I hope you're right," Eri said. "Well, it would mean you and Yakumo wouldn't have to...fight over Kenji..." Tenma said tenatively. Mikoto felt a faint jealousy of Eri. Not that she wanted Imadori, but now he... No, it was silly to be jealous. She didn't want him. Of course, my parents will likely forbid me to ever see Hanai again after this. She sighed. "The game isn't over YET," Eri proclaimed, though she had no clue what to do. "Not yet." ************ Hanai sat up, looking over at Nara, who for some reason, was in the same bed with him. "Where are we?" Nara didn't answer, but from the other bed, Karasuma said, "Bed." "Ha," Hanai said. "Is this a plane?" "Yes." Groggily, Nara sat up. "What sex am I?" "Male," Hanai said. "Oh, good," Nara said. He looked down inside his shirt anyway, though. "We are on the Sawachika family jet on our way to Japan," Karasuma said. "Imadori is in the lounge." "Wait, how did he..." Hanai asked. "He contacted Sawachika-san's family, who got us out of Cheyenne Mountain," Karasuma asked. "I...wait, where?" He couldn't remember anything since leaving the stargate. "Never mind," Karasuma said. "We're going home." I hope Dad didn't escape, Hanai thought. Not that Mom won't kill me anyway. "Where is everyone else?" "Sawchika-san, Suou-san, Tenma-san, and Takano-san are in the next bedroom. Imadori-san is in the lounge. I think everyone else is on a commercial flight," Karasuma said. "I guess her parents didn't want Harima in here with Sawachika-san," Hanai said. "Yeah, sounds right." "But why is Imadori here?" "He came with them to get us," Karasuma said. Hanai stretched. "Well, let's go say hello to everyone, then." Too bad for Harima, he thought. But the man would probably break a wall and kill us all anyway. "Sounds good," Nara said. "Alright," Karasuma said. They headed out. ************** Harima woke up on a plane with Yakumo seated next to him, asleep with her head on his arm. He stared at her a moment, then carefully threw a blanket over her. I wonder where we're going, he thought. Have I blanked out a large chunk of my life somehow? He had been going through the stargate and then...boom, on a plane somewhere with Yakumo. Maybe my manga got an award...my manga! He'd hardly gotten any work done on it during the whole trip...did he have it? Where was it? But if he looked for it, he'd wake up Yakumo. And she looked too peaceful to disturb. He glanced across the aisle; Sara was asleep, curled up to a sleeping Asou. Maybe this is some kind of class trip, he thought. Well, it was quiet and peaceful. He needed that. He sank down in his chair and went back to sleep. ************** Mai tied the rope in place. "There," she said. "I'm impressed," Kozue said. "I didn't think a rope existed strong enough to keep Buddha hanging from the ceiling." "And Yoshidayama too," Madoka said. "I'm impressed." Mai now hung a flag over the door. "I now declare this the Women's Republic of 2-C! First order of business, we need a new homeroom teacher. Female. Must hate men except for our boyfriends." "Yeah. We need to replace our losses too," Kozue said. "The dating pool is shrinking." "Well, we can start taking applications tomorrow." Kozue nodded. "And today...we party!" ************ Imadori was enjoying a glass of champagne and discoursing on philosophy when Eri and company arrived in the lounge. "Well, you see, Bishop Berkeley believed that all of creation was inside God's mind. God was basically 'imagining' the world into existence. We could trust thus that the world had a stable form beyond our perceptions of it, but at the same time, God had total control of it." He wore an elegant white suit that fit him perfectly. "Hmm, an interesting approach to the problem," Mrs. Sawachika said. "Don't you think so, Henry?" Her husband, Henry, said, "Yes, but wouldn't that mean God's attention could wander and things could evaporate at any time?" The lounge was very nice, with padded chairs and couches, several TVs (all off), and a nice buffet and drink bar. Nakamura stood at the bar. "HOW CAN YOU ENGAGE ME TO IMADORI?" Eri shouted. "My darling fiancee!" Imadori said, waving. "It's so lovely to see you." I thought he only liked women with very large chests, Mikoto thought. But he seems happy with this. Though Eri is on the high side of average. "He's a very bright and engaging young man," Henry said. "With a very good character. You'll be good for each other." "He's a pervert and a lech!" Eri shouted. "Haven't you already lost this argument, dear?" Mrs. Sawachika said. "He's an intelligent young man who is more cultured than we might have hoped," Henry said. "And while not rich, he is not dirt poor either, unlike some folk." "Once I get my business degree, I expect I'll be able to change my level of wealth, finally," Imadori said. "Fortunately, my trust fund will pay for college and Mother has already set aside monies towards my future retirement, gaining interest each year, since I was six. We'll both have to work, no doubt, but I will do my best to support her." His voice was serious, though not grim. Mikoto could hardly believe it was him. "Karen's not going to be happy," Akira pointed out. "I'm sure her true destiny is with Gonzales-san," Imadori said. "I will always remember her fondly, but in time, we must all move on from the carefree flings of those joyous high school days." "Exactly," Henry said. "Please, everyone, sit down and relax. We have a long flight and you will get tired if you stand the whole way." "I suppose I'm grounded forever too," Eri grumbled, getting a glass of whiskey and sitting down on a couch. She drank it all in one bitter swig, then began to cough and gag. "I would suggest something milder," her father said, frowning a little. "No grounding. You and your fiancee will be too busy with the social plans we've made for you to have time for anything else, once you finish your mandatory study periods each day." I'm in hell, Eri thought. I died in the gateway and now I'm in hell, suffering for my sins. And Imadori is the devil. Everyone got a drink and sat down. Henry turned to Nara. "Your father is the famous financier Nara, correct?" "Is he famous?" Nara asked. "Yes, I am." "Do you plan to follow in his footsteps?" "I...I don't know," Nara confessed. "I haven't figured things out." "Well, it's never too early to start investing for the future, as Imadori-san pointed out. You should talk to him about investing part of your allowance." "Very wise," Akira said, glancing at Imadori, who was now debating the philosophical merits of Hume vs. Berkeley in comparison to Kant. Akira wondered if they'd actually been sent home to the correct universe. "Anyway, Imadori-kun says you are a very smart young man and that Akira-san is the smartest woman in your class, so I'm sure you two will do well together, so long as you plan ahead," Henry said. He then got into a complicated finance discussion with Akira that the others couldn't understand, as Eri worked on drinking herself unconscious. Mikoto sipped her own wine, then said to Eri, "You sure that's wise?" "Maybe if I pass out, time will reset and the world will suck less," Eri said, taking another swig of wine. "Eri-san," Imadori said. "It isn't healthy for a young lady your age to drink that fast." "You do NOT get to sue my first name." Beat. "USE my first mane. Name. DAMMIT," Eri said. "He's right," Mrs. Sawachika said. "Nakamura, don't give her any more alcohol." "DAMMIT!" "One more dammit and I'll have to wash your mouth out," Mrs. Sawachika said. "You're talking just like the delinquent." "He's not a delinquent any more!" Eri said. "And he's three illion billion times better a man than Imadori, even when he's a woman!" "Oh yes, delinquent crossdresser," Mrs. Sawachika said sourly. What's an 'illion', Nara wondered. Mikoto frowned, putting down her phone. "I still can't raise Miki or Masahiro." Hanai frowned as well. "I hope they're alright." "They may be asleep or something, due to time zone differences." "True." *********** "I have good news for you," Hanai's father told Miki and Masahiro as they slumped on the ground, trying to muster the energy to eat dinner. "We get to go home?" "Haruki-kun and Mikoto-chan will soon be coming to save you or die trying," Mr. Hanai said. "I will be curious to see if they're strong enough to defeat the Seven Fists of Fury." "Is that a move you know?" "Mercenary Shao-lin ninjas," he began. From the shadows, a voice shouted, "WE ARE NOT NINJAS! WE ARE MONKS OF THE WHITE LOTUS." "Ninjas of the White Lotus." "WE ARE NOT NINJAS!" "What if they lose?" Miki asked weakly. "Then we wait and see if any of their friends can save you all or if I end up with everyone they've ever met training here. Which could be fun," Mr. Hanai said. For some values of fun. ************* "We can't let you into the country, since you have no passport," the immigration officer said once again to Tani- sensei. "But I'm a Japanese citizen! I have a driver's license! I work in Japan!" "There's no record of you leaving the country; ergo, you can't be the real Tani-san," the officer said. "Also, you dressed like a cosplayer for an international flight, probably marking you as completely insane." Tani-sensei wished he could legally smack down immigration officers. He could use the XP. Though he did wish the stargate had turned their magical world clothing into normal clothing. "I could just kick his ass, sensei," Harima said. "Once we're out of this security area, it's not like they can kick us out of our homeland." "No violence," Tani-sensei said firmly. Yet, anyway. Yakumo studied the jumbled thoughts of the immigration officer, then frowned. "He wants a bribe." "What?" Tani-sensei said in shock. "I am not angling for a bribe!" the immigration officer said. "Also, he's cheating on his wife," Yakumo continued, her voice turning just a little harsher. "I...no, that's not true! What makes you say that?" Harima looked at Yakumo nervously. Looked like she, at least, still had her witch abilities. Abilities which creeped him out a bit...mind-reading...a woman who could read a man's mind...what privacy could he have? But she never seemed to use his mind against him...why? Maybe she can't read my mind, he thought. The purity of my heart must shield me. Buddha defends me! Truly I am blessed. He resolved to go visit a temple later in thanks. Sara frowned. "That is a sin in the eyes of God! Get on your knees and repent!" "You can't intimidate me! You're not old enough to be a real priestess, anyway!" the immigration officer snapped. Sara held out her cross, which began to glow. "Oh lord, if this man has been unfaithful, curse him with..." "NO, DON'T SHRIVEL MY FAMILY TREASURE!" the panicked officer shrieked as he saw Sara began to glow all over. "I'm guilty! I take bribes, I cheat on my wife, I PULL THE TAGS OFF PILLOWS JUST TO AMUSE MYSELF!" He collapsed crying, and Sara said, "I assign you the penance of letting us into Japan." Her glow faded. "If you do this, God will forgive you." "Go! Go into Japan with your stupid cosplay outfits! Just leave me my mini-me!" And thusly did our heroes and heroines return to Japan. *********** Mikoto felt bad for Eri, but maybe Imadori had turned over a new leaf in their absence. He seemed so...more polished and cultured. If he'd always been like this...she might have actually gone for that. He hadn't even made reference to the existence of breasts in hours. She could hardly believe it. As they were getting ready to leave the plane, Imadori came up to her and said, "I hope you all didn't end up spending too much time in the US Jail. I did my best, but things took a while." "Jail? Wait, we were in jail?" Mikoto tried to think about it...a cell...some mountain... He blinked. "You know, where we picked you up? You were asleep, but...you did call me from there, right?" "Security Amnesia," Mrs. Sawachika said. "The US Government had to make you all forget everything you're not high enough clearance to know by hitting you in the head." "They can do that?" Mikoto asked in shock. "Only in people prone to whacky amnesia. Fortunately, you were all vulnerable to that." Mikoto said, "Won't it wear off, though, like normal whacky amnesia?" "Well, I would think so, but I can't pretend to expertise," Mrs. Sawachika said. "Well, time to go chivvy my daughter home. We'll see you in the morning, Kyousuke-san." "Of course, Sawachika-sama," he said. He bowed to her and turned back to Mikoto. "So what...what happened to you all? I thought at first everyone was trying to go on vacation without me again, but as the disappearances racked up, I grew very worried." He certainly sounded worried. Everyone must be worried sick, Mikoto thought. She felt terrible. "I'm sorry, you see..." She explained the whole thing. "Well, I've been acting as class president, but I think Mai decided to stage a coup, invading my apartment with her goons and I had to flee naked into the street. I hope Mother is okay." He frowned. Mikoto frowned. "Invaded your own home?" "They threw...PECANS...at me," he said, shuddering. She laughed softly, then made herself stop. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh. I know you hate them totally. Anyway, I'm very grateful." She kissed his cheek hesitantly. "You're a good friend, Imadori-kun." "So are you," he said, twitching slightly. "I had best see to my dear fiancee." "Please be kind to her," Mikoto asked very seriously. "She's had it very rough and...be careful. It seems weird to me that her parents would pick...well, not to be rude, but..." "I'm a very lucky man. And we're hardly poor," Imadori said. "I am sure all will be well." She hoped so. "See you in school tomorrow, then." "See you. I hope you're ready for exams. We're almost to winter break." I AM SO DEAD, she thought. "No, not ready at all, but I'll do my best." "See you, Mikoto-kun," he said. Still so familiar with me, she thought. But he's just so...different. I wonder what happened. "See you, Kyousuke-san," she said. Just a touch more intimate; she owed him that much. And then she headed out to face familial doom. ************* "KAREN!" her father shouted as she nervously walked in the door. "Papa!" She hugged him tightly. "Where have you been? We thought you'd eloped with one of your boyfriends, but they didn't know where you were!" he said urgently. She laughed nervously. "I got stuck in another universe." "Damn other universes," he said. "Every so often, I go in the closet, trying to find my shoes, end up in some magical land...boy does it ever piss your mother off." He sighed. "However, I'm going to have to ground you for life, anyway." Karen sighed. "But wrestling club..." "Oh, you can wrestle all you want," he said. "But no more dating skanky boys and running off to other worlds without telling us. So, therefore, you are grounded until roughly the end of time or when you move out to live on your own." He sighed. "Come on in, tell us all about it." Imadori-kun, she thought. I hope you're okay. ************* "Mom, I'm home!" Sagano shouted as she came in. "Oh, hi, dear," her mother said. "I hadn't realized you left." "..." "Anyway, set the table for supper; we're about to eat." "Yes, ma'am," Sagano mumbled weakly and got to work. ************ "MY PORN!" Fuyuki said, crying. "That's your punishment. I found all your porn, even the stuff you hid inside the walls of our bedroom, and burned it all," his mother said. "Couldn't you just ground me?" he asked weakly. "This should suffice." He cried until no tears were left. ************ Nara's mother hugged him. "My dear boy, how's life as a married man?" "..." "Akira-san's mother told us you two ran off to Vegas to get married. Time flies so fast," his father said, shaking his head. "Still you might have wanted to sow your wild oats before marriage, but, then, she is a very sweet girl." Nara rubbed his forehead. Oh boy... ************ There was red everywhere, holes in the walls, and her mother lying on the floor in torn clothing, in a red puddle. Akira looked down at the kitchen floor. "Did you try to open the jam with a nailgun, Mother?" "Couldn't you at least pretend to think I'd died?" Akira's mother asked sadly as she sat up. "I could see AND hear you breathing," Akira said. "Well, I've lost that talent, then," Akira's mother said. "Clean this mess up while I take a bath." "Mother, I..." "Nara's parents think you and he eloped to Vegas to get married and your friends went with you," Akira's mother said. "..." "Well, I had to tell them something so they didn't die of fear," Akira's mother said. Akira felt her head spin. "They bought you a nice house for when you get back." "..." "Anyway, you should go see them after school tomorrow, clear things up. Or Nara may do so." "A house?" Akira began trying to think of some way to keep it. "I suppose you and Nara can use it as a love shack for you and your friends," Akira's mother said. "Anyway, get this mess cleaned up." "Are you going to ground me?" "I think Nara's parents will do the killing for me, while I enjoy all the wedding presents." "..." "See you," Akira's mother said, going out. ************ Hanai bowed deeply. "And that's what happened." "DIE, YOU BASTARD!" Mikoto's father shouted, leaping at him. Hanai's mother batted him aside with a broom. "Let us crush them like civilized folk. First of all, you two need to go fetch my husband from Hokkaido. He's holding your college friends hostage, I think, and probably plans to put you through hell." Hanai and Mikoto nodded. "Once he's clobbered you, the three of us will have figured out more punishments for you," Mikoto's mother said. "Yes, ma'am." Hanai said. "Now, go fetch," Hanai's mother said. "We're on our way." ************ "Poor Arisa-chan," Yuri said wearily. "She probably thinks I'm dead." "You should call her," Tani-sensei said. "Let her know you're okay. We can go back to my place and you can call from there." "I'm going to have to arrange to go home tomorrow and get my business going again," Yuri said, sighing. "I've already way overstayed my vacation, and I have no income if I'm not running the bakery and the bills mounted up and..." She sighed. "This is going to be a huge pain in the...the rear." "Well...our students take their exams soon," Tae- sensei said. "Oh man, my class is going to DIE," Tani-sensei mumbled. "So...if you wait until they finish, then we could come down with you and we could help you get things running again, and I could meet your families," Tae-sensei said. That would be really nice, Yuri thought. Or possibly my parents will kill us all; they are rather conservative. And this relationship is...unusual. "They take the exams soon?" "Yes, very soon," Tae-sensei said. "We've been gone a while. Assuming the school doesn't fire us, anyway." "..." Tani-sensei felt his gut clench. "Wait, wouldn't your parents be running the bakery?" "They passed it to me, while they built up a catering service so they could semi-retire. They're making three times as much as before for half the work, while I work myself to death keeping it going," Yuri said a little enviously. She sighed. "They're going to lecture me." "We'll defend you," Tae-sensei said firmly. "Right, Tanisa?" "Of course, Tae-chin," he replied. "This is all my fault, anyway." Yuri asked, hesitantly, "What about...I mean...long- distance relationships are difficult and..." "Sell it, move here, start a bakery here, be with us, everyone wins," Tae-sensei said. "My parents would kill me!" Yuri said, shivering. "After facing down dragons and ogres, are you really afraid of your parents?" Tani-sensei asked. "You know my parents," she said urgently. Dragons, by comparison, were weaklings. "Sometimes, you have to gamble," Tani-sensei said. "Are you happy running that shop?" "It's nice, sometimes, but...no. I feel like I got left behind...all that studying and everything, and I just ended up running a bakery in a little town in the middle of nowhere, while all the other smart kids left town," Yuri said, sighing. "Sell it, use the money to go to college, get a business degree, and you can start a bakery in Tokyo that will make a lot more money," Tae-sensei said. "And you'll be free of your parents." She dug into her pockets. "Also, don't forget, we all still have this." Her hand was now full of gold and silver coins. "Unless you all threw your cut of the loot away..." Yuri's eyes sparkled. Maybe they could make this work. "I...alright. Let's try it. I want a better future." Tani-sensei nodded. "For the future!" Yuri was not a risk taker at heart, but sometimes, you just had to gamble if the prize was big enough. She just hoped she wouldn't regret this. ************** "He's WHAT?" Lala asked her host mother. "He flew to Japan and is looking for you," Lala's host mother explained. "But...he doesn't even speak Japanese!" "Well, I can't say it's going well," the host mother said. "You should go look for him. He heard report of your boyfriend's father being in Hokkaido and headed that way." Papa, she thought. How do you always manage to cause me so much trouble? "I am jet-lagged and tired, but I will set out tomorrow to get him." "Wise, I think. Good luck." I'll need it, Lala thought. ************* Harima flopped down on the floor; Yakumo went to make them some tea. "Are you sure Tenma is alright?" he asked her for the fiftieth time. "She got to fly in the private jet," Yakumo said. But I'm not jealous at all, she thought as she worked on the mint tea. "We need to work on the manga, or we'll miss the deadline, which is...IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS." Harima cringed. "We'll just have to work extra hard," Yakumo said. "We got some done on the trip, which will help, right?" "Right, right," he said. She brought the tea over and sat down by him, handing him a cup. "Kenji-kun...how do you..." She could feel her confidence draining away. She couldn't bear to ask, or even to look too closely at his thoughts, for fear of what he would say. How did he feel about her? Not the same as he did about Tenma. Or about Eri. And yet, he did like her, and he didn't like the idea of someone else dating her AT ALL. He thought about what Tenma had told him, about loving different people in different ways. He wished he knew what the different ways were supposed to feel like, so he could judge better. Don't forget you committed to being Eri's boyfriend too, when you were me, Onna-Harima said. WHAT?, he asked himself. Since you called Eri your boyfriend, that means now that she's a girl again, she's your girlfriend. So you have two now, Onna-Harima told him. But that makes me a monkey!, he told himself. Well, if you can get everyone changed in gender, it'll be okay, since a woman can have multiple suitors, but a man can't, without being a monkey, Onna-Harima said. I don't want to be a woman and even if I did, I have no way to do it! Can't you go live in Eri's head and annoy her?, he told Onna-Harima. No, her boy-side took the extra space. Onna-Harima shook her head. Of course, Yakumo does seem willing to kiss women, so if you can get them to date each other too... YOU ARE A MONKEY, Harima told his other self. I'm a woman; it's my prerogative, she told him. "Kenji?" Yakumo asked nervously, afraid to try and see his mind for fear of what was in it. "Sorry, I'm trying to get her to shut up and let me think," he said. She gulped and looked stricken. "No, no, not you. HER," Harima said, taking her hand. "H...her?" Yakumo asked. Now she did peer at Harima's thoughts. "Onna-Harima. She likes to taunt me," Kenji mumbled. "Oh kami-sama, it's like having Itoko in my head." I'm much cuter than Itoko, with more suitors, Onna- Harima said. "Kenji..." she said softly, taking his hand. "Maybe you should get some rest before we talk about this." She wanted an answer, but if he was so tired he was talking to himself... "I like you very much," he said. "But I can't pretend it's the same as what I felt for your sister. What I'm still trying to stop feeling for her, before I go crazy." Like was a start. She smiled a little. "She is very loveable." Yakumo loved her sister very much. "Yeah," he said softly, sighing. He liked Yakumo, she was comfortable and kind and nice to be around. But she didn't arouse the passion in him that Tenma did. And Eri...she aroused his passions, but most of the time, it was by being a total ASS. But when she kissed him... He felt suddenly very embarrassed, then recognized the emotional memory and tried to stop getting all mushy like his girlself had when Eri the boy had kissed her. "What's wrong?" Yakumo asked. His thoughts were harder to read, something about kissing... "I need to talk to someone smarter than me." Pause. "You're smarter than me, but I mean, maybe Akira." "To understand how you feel?" "Yeah," he said. "Even though she'll probably make fun of me." Maybe I should ask Tani-sensei how he...no, no monkey business. I shouldn't be a monkey! "She likes you," Yakumo said. "Not 'like' like, but like." "I like her too," he said. "Even if she can be a pain. But she owes me." He got up. "I should go...no, I should wait for your sister to get here. Maybe I should just call her." "I'll be fine if you need to go," Yakumo said. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I don't want you endangered by me leaving." She smiled a little; it was nice to know he cared about her safety. "I'll be fine, Kenji-kun." "Thanks, Yakumo-san," he said. "I'll talk to you again when I understand myself." "Are we still..." Yakumo asked hesitantly. "I think I have two girlfriends until I get my head straight," he said to her. "Two?" she asked. "I did tell Eri the boy he was my boyfriend, ergo...girlfriend now." That was logical, she thought. She didn't like logic. "You're not supposed to..." "I know. That's why I'm going to talk to Akira-san. See you soon." He ruffled her hair gently, then headed out, leaving her to wonder what he would decide. ************** "Stop waffling," Akira said. Harima sniffed the air of the kitchen, where he and Akira sat at the kitchen table and ate nice muffins and drank tea. There was a huge smell of strawberry jam. "These are muffins." "..." "I just...I dunno. I have stronger feelings for Eri, but I like Yakumo more. Does that make any sense?" he asked. "So she gives you the love-love feelings, but Yakumo is easier to get along with?" Akira asked. "I didn't say THAT," he said, instinctively being cautious. She brandished a muffin as it got its butter and jam. "Close enough. Well, it depends on if you like excitement or security better. You and Eri are likely to bite and claw each other a lot, but you'll have a very strong love. On the other hand, Yakumo may not make you very passionate, but she'll never bite your face off either," Akira said. Harima suddenly felt tumblers in his mind click into place. Softly, Onna-Harima said, AHAH. What?, he asked. Think about her and Hanai, Onna-Harima said softly. My girlfriend powers are tingling. Holy shit, he thought. You're right. "So what did you decide?" Harima asked. Akira froze, dropping her muffin, then caught it and stuffed it in her mouth. Harima felt far too much pleasure at being one up on Akira for once. "Were the good parts not worth risking the bad parts?" he asked. "I...what are you talking about?" she asked, once she finally finished her muffin. "Hanai. You like him, don't you," Harima said softly. "No one is supposed to be able to tell!" she blurted out, then paused and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she was calm again. "How could you tell?" "I understand better how women think now," Harima said softly. "I learned a little, if only a little, from my brief stint as a man." She took a sip of tea. "Tell no one," she said very calmly. "I won't," he said. "Does Nara know?" "That is not..." she began. "As it would be awful hypocritical of you not to tell him after how you ragged on me for being slow to tell Yakumo about the kiss," Harima said, feeling irritated. Akira breathed in and out deeply, then very slowly finished her cup and poured another one. "We're not here to talk about me." "He deserves the truth, doesn't he?" Harima said. "Or do you just judge others?" He was frowning deeply now. "Do you think I don't judge myself? Do you think it makes me happy to be...to not tell him?" she snapped at him, then forced her voice calm. "But you've never been in my position." "Yeah, I don't tell Yakumo I hate Eri while having a secret crush on her and treating her like garbage to cover it up like you do, so yeah, I don't understand your position," Harima barked, putting his cup down hard. "At least I'm trying to be honest with how I feel to them!" Akira vibrated, about to explode, Harima suspected. Harima felt a brief jolt of fear. She may just shoot me, he thought. "You couldn't understand," she said, her voice wavering. "I'm not stupid, you know!" he said. "But we'll never know if you don't tell me!" "Kentaro is the only boy who has ever liked me," Akira said softly. Unless she counted a five year old, which didn't count for this. "I'm not pretty; I'm not sexy; guys generally don't like smart women. But Kentaro loves me more than ANYTHING." Her voice became warmer. "I never imagined anyone could love me that much. I can't even understand how...why...it's possible. With all my flaws and all that I've done. And all that I'll have to do to protect this world. But he loves me anyway. I wish...I wish a lot of things. Kenji, two women love you. There will never be two boys who love me at once; I'll be lucky if any boy ever looks at me again if I lose Kentaro." Akira stopped and made herself drink more tea. Some of the raggedness went out of her voice. "You don't know how good you have it. A good looking guy like you can get all the women you'll ever want; I can't risk losing Nara. I can't imagine he'd take knowing that I have this...I keep trying, but I don't know how to forget about him. Even with him dating Mikoto now. I want to be happy for them. I am happy for them. But it hurts, too, to see him with someone else. And seeing him run around on her..." "You're punishing him because you'd do the same thing," Harima said softly. "It's nice being pursued. I learned that as a...in the magic world." "Exactly. It's a temptation. Don't give into it, Kenji. It's the monkey in both of us. Pick one and let go of the other. At least for you, they both know," Akira said wearily. "More tea?" "Yes." She poured out more tea. "If I tell him, if it...it hurts our relationship...I couldn't stand it," Akira said. "It'll come out eventually," Harima said. "I know. I should tell him, but I can't bear the risk," she said, sipping her tea and preparing another muffin. "Eat one, they're good." Harima began dousing his with condiments. "Does anyone but me and you know this?" "You and I," Akira corrected. "No one knows. I can't even tell my girlfriends." "Let it out, before you go crazy hiding it. Nara should know, even if no one else does." He munched on a muffin and decided they were good. She stared at him in silence for a little while; he wished he could read her face, but it was so flat and impassive. Finally, Akira said, "You're a good friend, Kenji." Her voice had returned to its usual calm, with a little warmth. "Thanks." "So, do you like excitement or comfort better?" Akira asked. "Risk or security?" "I like going out, doing exciting things, and coming home to comfort," Harima said. "You can't have it both ways," Akira said softly, getting out another kind of grape jam and spreading it with the other kind and with some butter. "Though I am lucky; Nara comforts me well, but when his passion is up...he is very exciting." "You two got so excited, you got stuck back then." "Yes. His love transcends even my gender." She sounded proud and a little excited. "Is it always that good for guys?" she asked hesitantly. "Yeah," he lied. "It's always great." But really, he didn't know. "Well, it's possible they each have hidden depths like Kentaro does, that you might find comfort and passion with either one," Akira said. "But they do specialize." Harima sipped his tea. Akira gently corrected the way he held his glass. "Like this." They drank tea for a while, then Harima said, "Thanks for the advice, Akira-san." "Did you make up your mind?" "Not yet, but at least I know what I'm thinking about," he said. "Better decide soon. Christmas is coming and they're both going to want to do something romantic with you," Akira said. He nodded to Akira. "Thank you for the advice." "And thank you," she said softly. "I needed to tell that to someone." "I won't tell anyone," he said. "I know you won't," she said. "Good luck, Kenji." "Good luck to you too." ************* "Well, I have good news for you, Yakumo, though I don't know if it's good news for Eri or not," Tenma told her. "Yes?" Yakumo looked up from making dinner. "Eri's parents engaged her to Imadori-san. So, she's no longer in the running for Kenji, which should help you." Tenma was happy for Yakumo, but felt bad for Eri. Imadori would always be thinking of bigger breasted women instead of someone who loved him like Karen. Yakumo said, "Imadori-san and Sawachika-sempai? May they be very happy together." She smiled, and Tenma wasn't sure if she was sincere or gloating. Hopefully the former. "I have a feeling it will be a disaster," Tenma said, sighing. Yakumo was afraid of that as well, but she couldn't cry too much for Eri in that case. ************* The next morning, Mikoto leaned against a pillar. "I need sleep," she mumbled. Hanai yawned. "I know. But we need to catch this train." "Hello, Haruki-kun, Suou-san," Lala said. They both half-jumped out of their flesh, then turned to look at her, both not sure what to say. Lala half-looked at them, then yawned loudly. "Haruki-kun, I'm afraid I may have to kill your father." "We're on our way to kill him, Gonzales-san," Hanai said. "He's overdue for his annual beating of sense into his head, I think, and now he's trying to lure us out so he can get his revenge for the hanging." "My father is on his way to challenge your father, in the belief I am there. I have to catch up to him before it's too late." "Your father?" Mikoto said. "Came all the way to Japan for you?" "Papa loves me, when he's sober enough to remember me," Lala mumbled, then looked angrily at Mikoto. "You sound like it's a bad thing." "We should travel together then," Hanai said. "It will likely take three of us to stop him. And we may lose, even then." No, we are not travelling with your ex, Mikoto thought. Sheer force of will did not make it so, though. "Do you think...should we call Karen before it's too late? She's our next strongest warrior." "Let's not drag more people into this. I just want to finish this quickly so I have time to study for exams," Hanai said. Lala stared at him, trying to figure out what to say, but she didn't know what. She couldn't just try to pick up where they left off, not now that he, but she... She shook her head. Maybe I'll figure it out on the train, she thought. *********** "Kidnapped to another universe," the Principal said. Tani-sensei nodded firmly. "Please excuse everyone's absence, we had to fight evil in another dimension." The Principal looked at Yuri. "And this is your independent witness?" "Yes," she said. "I was there too." "The PTA is going to go berserk," the Principal said. "Heads will roll, souls will be eaten." "We could try confusing them with interpetative dance," Aino-sensei suggested. She had been given Moto's old job after the assistant principal had been sent to jail in an earlier chapter. "Someone is going to have to take the fall for this," the Principal said. "I suppose suggesting Katou-sensei would be out of line," Tani-sensei said. "Yes," the Principal said. "And they probably won't accept pinning the blame on bourgeois resistance this time," Tani-sensei said. "Probably not," the Principal said. "Monster attacks?" Aino-sensei suggested. "We hid the missing students for their own safety." "The students were being tested to pilot giant robots," Tae-sensei suggested. "It was all part of the secret field trip program," Yuri suggested. "So secret, the parents couldn't be told." "We could whack the PTA in the head and give them all whacky amnesia," Aino-sensei suggested. "They had to be hidden from the Yakuza." "Kidnapped by aliens." "Stolen by potato-people from deep inside the earth." "Quantum fluctuation." "In detention," Tani-sensei said finally. "Hmm...detention," the Principal said. "Too realistic." "I suggest we stage a fake terrorist attack at the PTA meeting, then declare martial law," Aino-sensei said. "Hmm, that does appeal," the Principal said. "But it could probably get us sent to jail." "Actually, given we somehow ended up in the US," Yuri said, "We could just blame the US government for accidentally picking us up in a terror sweep." "That works," the Principal said. "Please avoid any further unscheduled field trips to other worlds." "I'll do my best," Tani-sensei said. "Did you meet any cute elf women?" the Principal asked. "The women who came with me were much cuter," Tani-sensei said smoothly. Tae-sensei smiled a little. Nice dodge, she thought. "Alright. We can work this. O/~ Blame Canada o/~ No, wait...Blame the US. Right," the Principal said. "Okay, go teach. I hope you have your exams ready." Planning in advance saves my bacon, he thought. ************** "You're alive!" someone shouted as Sara walked into her classroom. "It's Sara-san! She's alive!" The whole class went crazy, surrounding her. She laughed nervously as a flood of questions came at her. Finally, Himeko asked, "So did you and Satsuki really elope with your boyfriends?" "They were with us on the trip," Sara said. "Ooooo..." A murmur of envious whispers circulated. "So...that makes you two the first to lose your virginity," Meimi said. "I...what?" Sara said, blushing. "Not the first," Himeko said, grinning a little. "I expect it will take a lot before pure little Sara gives up her virginity." Sara mumbled incoherently. "But dating an upperclassman is wicked enough to make up for it," Himeko said. Yakumo now arrived, and Sara said, "Yakumo-chan! Come on over and tell us about baking pies!" Yakumo blinked and came over and said, "Well, I like to start with..." "Was he good?" Himeko asked her. Yakumo said, "The pie?" "No, your boyfriend!" Himeko asked. "Sometimes good, sometimes bad, usually good," Yakumo said. Except when he's a woman, in which case, he's rather...well, not so good. "See?" Himeko said to Sara. "You're missing out on some good stuff." "We're taking it slow and waiting," Sara mumbled. "It's the right thing to do." Himeko shook her head. "It's..." Satsuki came in. "Hi, everyone! You're not going to believe where we've been!" "Come help us corrupt Sara," Himeko said. "Oooh, I'm game!" Satsuki said. This was going to be a looong day, Sara realized. ************** Mai was in the process of laying out the plans for reducing the class males to subjugation when Imadori walked in with a squadron of security from the Sawachika family. "COUNTER-COUNTER REVOLUTION!" he announced. The class was in full-blown riot by the time Tani- sensei walked in and slammed his books on the desk. "EVERYONE SIT DOWN!" Even the security guards sat down. "Due to an unfortunate set of events which will never be explained clearly, I, and much of our class have been gone for days, maybe weeks. I'm not even sure how long we've been gone. Nevertheless, we have one week to exams and then Winter Break begins. So we're going to have to CRAM extra hard." He looked at everyone. "The war for control of this class is over. The election held in my absence and all coups are now declared nullified. I am appointing Yuuki as class president because I trust her to have some common sense; Mai, you are demoted." Yuuki's eyes widened. "Me? Thank you!" "Hanai will resume his duties once he finishes beating up his father," he continued. "Now, let's get down to business." "You can't just decide who rules! This is a democracy!" Mai protested. "Alternately, you can all go to the principal and explain how this class has been run in my absence." Dead silence. "I thought so. Alright, get out your English books and let's get started." ************ Imadori strode up to Eri as everyone broke for lunch. "Well, fiancee, shall we dine together?" "WE ARE NOT ENGAGED!" Eri shouted. EVERYONE stared. Karen rose. "You...Imadori-kun, are you really engaged to Sawachika-san?" "Hai," he said. "I made a good impression on her parents." Karen gave a great cry of despair and ran out of the room. Imadori stared after her, then turned and said, "So, shall we, my cute fiancee?" "I would sooner die," Eri said. Akira frowned. "Imadori-kun, you really shouldn't make Karen cry like that." "I never told her to get a crush on me!" Imadori protested. Tenma frowned. "You hurt Karen. You'd better go apologize." "All I did was to tell the truth!" Imadori protested. Harima stirred slowly. "You are pretending that Eri- san is your fiancee?" His voice was soft, but deep. "I am not pretending," Imadori said. "Her parents..." Eri said, "I refuse. I can't. There is no way I'm going to marry Imadori." "So you are forcing yourself on her," Harima said, his voice ticking up a notch. "He's being forced on me," Eri said. "I'm not forcing myself on her!" Imadori said. "But her parents have the power to..." "IS THERE NO WOMAN SAFE FROM YOU?" Harima shouted, rising from his chair. "DIE!" Imadori ran for his life with Harima in pursuit. Eri could feel her heart beating faster as she watched this, and she smiled a little smile. At least at school, I'll be safe, she thought. ************* Harry was JUST about to put his hamburger in his mouth when half the desks in 2-D flew into the air and suddenly he was hit by an eighteen wheeler. Or maybe it was just Karen. She was sobbing incoherently and babbling about engagements. Harry had no idea what was going on. Finally, he managed to peel them off the floor into a chair and hold her until she calmed. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Imadori-kun, he's gone and now he's going to marry Sawachika-san!" she said, crying onto his shoulder. He embraced her firmly. "I'm here for you," he said. He felt terrible for her, though this would work to his advantage. But he just didn't like to see her cry. "Where is Lala-san?" Karen asked weakly though her sobs. "Dunno, she didn't come to school," Harry said. "I just...I wish I could just forget about him. It always goes wrong..." Karen said. "Let me help you forget," Harry said softly. "You did your best, but he turned to Sawachika instead of you." "I...I..." She stared into Harry's eyes, then suddenly kissed him. That surprised him, but he kissed her back, enjoying it. He could make her forget, at least for a little while, she knew. She remembered when they had...had almost gone all the way. Well, he liked her body. He appreciated her. He had been so kind and helpful and patient and tried to help her make her dream come true. Well, now it was her turn to try making his come true. And maybe...maybe she'd come to dream that way too. It was better than waiting for a miracle. Right? ************ Asou looked over at Sara as they ate together. "You okay?" he asked. She sighed. "Everyone in my class thinks we ought to be having sex by now." "No rush," he said. "It's best we take things slow and easy and not rush it so we burn out quick," he said. She nodded. "Yes. Just because other people hop in the sack doesn't mean we have to." They could hear jingling of coins, and Asou frowned. "Do they have a betting pool on us?" he asked, staring off at the rest of Sara's class, a ways off. "I think so." Asou wished 1-C's class president would turn male so he could kick some ass. This failed to happen, so instead, he just sighed and ate. Gonna have to do something about these fools, he thought. Somehow. ************* Harima tried to talk to Eri before the school day was out, but since he missed his chance at lunch, he had to wait until after school. Unfortunately, her butler took her away before he could say anything. So he worked up the courage to call her. She answered. "Hello?" "Eri-san," Harima said. "We should try and talk at lunch tomorrow. About...everything." "I...yes," she said softly. "Kenji-san, this engagement was not my idea." "I know," he said. "I...I'd better not talk too much," she said. "The parents will go crazy if they catch me on the phone." He nodded. "Okay, see you tomorrow." "See you." Click. Now he just had to figure out what to say. ************* Lala blinked. "We're in Hokkaido already?" They had ridden to northern Honshu, switched trains to take the tunnel, and now they were on Hokkaido. "Yes," Hanai said. "Now, we hop a train to the nearest station to where he is, then trek into the wilderness." Where, hopefully, Gonzales will be eaten by bears, Mikoto thought. ************* Tenma, instead of studying for her exams, fantasized about having a grand Christmas party. Unfortunately, with half her friends grounded until the end of time, it was going to be hard to throw a good one. Though at least it would mean no danger of Harima and Eri encountering under mistletoe and... She sighed. He needs to be faithful to Yakumo, but I want my friend out of hock. And maybe...well, I can have a big romantic kiss with Karasuma. Now that...it all hit her at once. He'd confessed his love to her! Sure, he'd been a girl and she'd been a boy and his girl self had been very affectionate compared to normal and it was possible she dreamed the whole thing...aaaaaa. She called him immediately. "Karasuma-kun," she said. "Yes?" "You're my boyfriend now, right?" Tenma asked. "Yes," he said. "WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shouted into the phone. "What?" he asked. "I love you, I love you, I love you!" she shouted. "What?" he asked. He couldn't hear anything now, due to the shouting. "We're going to have the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER," she proclaimed. "You met Christ?" he asked in confusion. "Oh, it'll be the most wonderful Christmas ever!" Maybe her parents would even make it back, though the latest letter indicated they were still on the hunt for lost treasures of the Atlanteans down on the Grand Line. "You want me to bring my copy of It's a Wonderful Life?" he asked, trying to make sense of what little he could hear through his temporary deafness. "Yes!" she said. "IT IS A WONDERFUL LIFE." "Okay, see you soon," he said, then hung up. Wait, is he coming over now? Tenma scratched her head. Well, either way, she was good. ************* They were supposed to be studying, given the exam apocalypse was coming, but instead, they were making out. Akira felt very happy as her boyfriend sat in her lap, kissing her softly, his hands running up and down her back. Finally, she said, "Kentaro-kun, about...there's some things we need to discuss." "Like our 'marriage'?" Nara asked her. Akira laughed softly. "Well, we can just tell them we're not married yet, right?" "Yeah," he said. "I just couldn't get a word in edgewise last night." "The house would be nice, but it's best not to push things too far," Akira said. "But actually, well..." She could feel her resolve melting. "We...I hope...you don't mind that we..." "When we were flipped?" he asked softly. "Yeah," she said, shivering. "I was just...are men always like that?" "You get more used to it after a while, and it...well, it comes and goes, but yes," he said. "It's worst right when you hit puberty and you don't even understand the signals your body is trying to give you or what to do about them." She could see that. "I...I guess that..." She tried to focus herself and to stop sounding so hesitant. "Are you feeling freaky?" he asked softly. "I should, shouldn't I?" she said. "But instead, I feel like it was magnificent. Like we proved something." He put his hand on her chest, over her heart. "Yeah, me too. So if we're freaks, we're freaks together. I never thought...I always...well, you know how my parents are." "Yes," Akira said, frowning a little. "I was raised to see that as normal and...well, I can't pretend I still don't. Though I know you hate that sort of thing." He sounded very nervous. "I can't stand it," she said. Because I know the temptation. Her mind tried to drift to Hanai, and she slapped it. "But I don't expect you to agree with me on everything." Though it would be nice if he did. He ought to. "We all have our own fantasies that others may not understand." "But you're a woman worth giving up the dream of that for," he said to her, kissing her softly. "Just, please, stop harassing Hanai. You are far too cruel to him." "He..." I have to tell him, she told herself. Tell him now. Honesty, she told herself. She couldn't speak just then, though, as he had his tongue in her mouth and he was starting to pull her shirt off. She really should stop him, she knew. She should confess right away, admit it all, tell him the truth. But that might prevent the joy he was about to bring her, so she held her tongue, and let herself forget it in his arms. Until her mother walked in with Harima. "Your friend is here to ask you about..." Distantly, crickets chirped. Harima said, "I'll...uh...guess I'll see if Tenma wants to study with me. See you, goodbye!" And he ran off. Really, I ought to go work on my manga with Yakumo anyway, he thought. As well as study. So I can do both. "Study now, sex later," Akira's mother told them. "Don't make me stand over you." "Yes, mother," Akira said weakly. ************ Much to Fuyuki's surprise, Sagano was actually studying. Or at least doing something like studying; he wasn't sure if anyone could possibly assimilate information at the speed she was reading. He was seated at her computer, hard at work doing practice math problems with a study program her parents had gotten her. It was pretty helpful, he thought. "Dammit, I can't find anything on Nobobonaga!" she said frantically. "That is probably because he was named Nobunaga," Fuyuki said. Yuuki nodded. She was seated at one end of Sagano's bed; Sagano was all over the floor. "One of those people involved in the struggle that led to Tokugawa taking over." "I suppose referring to him as Nobu-chan on the exam would be bad," Sagano mused. "Yes," Yuuki said. "I'm surprised your parents didn't ground you forever," Sagano said to Yuuki. "I know where Father keeps his porn stash, and threatened to reveal it to Mother if he didn't let me off," Yuuki said. "..." "Damn, someone narced out mine," Fuyuki said. "Well, shit," Sagano said. She ran into the closet; there were frantic noises. Then she came out. "Whew, mine's fine." "..." "You have a porn stash?" Yuuki asked. "Yeah. One box for het, one for yaoi, one for yuri, one for things which defy classification," Sagano said. Fuyuki wondered, idly, how much of it he'd want a copy of. "You want some?," Sagano asked. "I need to cull the herd so it doesn't get so big that my parents find it." Yuuki was tempted, but not with Fuyuki watching. "New topic so you two don't start making out or something," Yuuki said. Sagano's mother stuck her head in. "Good news, dear." "What is it?" Sagano asked. "My sister's family is going to come stay with us from Christmas through New Years." "But...there's hardly room for us!" Sagano protested. "Oh, it'll be fun. We'll be putting Tomo in your room, of course." Yuuki had never seen Sakano turn a chalk-like white before, nor seen her jaw drop to her knees. "But...she..." "Now, now, they don't let her eat a pound of sugar a day any more. You'll be fine," Sagano's mother said. "Would any of you like a drink?" "Tea, please," Fuyuki said. "I could go for some tea," Yuuki said. "Bring me some strychnine on the rocks," Sagano mumbled. "And a Pepsi with ice for my lovely daughter, who won't complain about sharing her room with her cousin for a week, given she's the eldest and has to set a good example for her younger siblings so that Santa won't decide to only bring her coal." Sagano winced. "Yes, mother." "Very good. Be back soon." And Sagano's mother darted out. "SWEET BABY JESUS," Sagano shouted. "What?" Fuyuki asked. "You don't like your cousin?" "She is an excitable, hyperactive, meddling, inquisitive little freak!" Sagano began waving her arms about. "She comes up with these utterly stupid plans which always fail and backfire on everyone around her, and she thinks she's a genius, but really, she's an idiot! AN IDIOT!" Yuuki said hesitantly, "I see." "She will no doubt see my cute boyfriend and try to seduce him for herself! She thinks she is irresistable and that everyone MUST love her," Sagano began to vibrate. "BUT I WILL BREAK HER." "I don't think she could seduce me," Fuyuki said. "Forget exams. I must plan to crush her or perish!" Fuyuki shook his head. "Study. You can't afford to flunk." "But I have to crush..." "Study," he said firmly. "Can I crush her just a little?" Sagano asked meekly. "No," he said flatly. "We have to focus on school," Yuuki said. "So study. Or I'll have to steal your boyfriend." "WHAT?" Fuyuki said. "But...I tried to..." Sagano's brain shorted out. Yuuki said, "Well, at least you were listening. Come on and study." Sagano sighed. "Okay, okay, let's study." ************* If Imadori can get an engagement, surely I can, Yoshidayama thought as he tried to study with Buddha. I'm at least as good looking as him and far less obviously perverted. The one tricky bit would be breaching the ice. "Buddha, I need an intel report on Sawachika's parents." "You're going to try to get an engagement by impressing them? I wouldn't put much odds on your success," Buddha said. "I am a MAN, and a MAN must try," Yoshidayama said. "If IMADORI can do it, anyone can, anyway." "Don't say I didn't warn you. I'll see what I can do." ************* Tenma stared. Kenji was drawing manga with one hand and studying with a book in hand with Yakumo's help at both. It was the most impressively awesome thing she'd ever seen. That's it, she thought. He works so hard because he's sating both sides of his brain! So if I do something with both sides of mine, I will become a STUDY GENIUS. Tenma got some paper and began drawing Karasuma with one hand while reading and taking notes with her other hand. She kept herself busy in this manner for a half-hour, then looked at Karasuma. He looked like the aftermath of Chernobyl and her brain was now trying to tell her how to conjugate the history of Japan. Sculpture, collage, painting, and play-writing all proved equally unable to keep her wilder brain elements busy, allowing her logical brain to study. But there had to be something... And then it hit her. She ran through the house until she got to her parent's closet; she dug her dad's graduation robes out. If I wear these, she thought, I can act like I'm already a graduate and know it all. This will enable me to study better! Truly a brilliant plan. *********** Sara asked Asou, "Are you sure you don't need to be studying your own stuff?" She, Asou, Suga, and Satsuki were at Sara's church, in one of the meeting rooms, studying together. Suga said, "Oh, we're screwed. But if we play our cards right, you two will pass this year and we'll be held back and then we can be in the same year together." "That is NOT the plan," Asou said. "But I can spare some time to help you, Sara." He smiled at her, and she felt all mushy inside. He's such a good boyfriend, Sara thought. She leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Thank you." He looked embarrassed, but pleased. Satsuki said, "Come on, you two can kiss better than that." "Not with you two watching," Asou said. "Oh, so you will be waiting until we leave to take her clothing off?" Suga asked. "No, we don't go that far," Asou said. Sara nodded. "Exactly. We do the right thing." Though he was so kind and gentle and nice to her, that sometimes Sara did have naughty thoughts about him. But she did her best to suppress them. Though she wondered at times, if he thought about her like that. "Ahh, such purity. It will be wonderful when we finally break you," Suga said. Satsuki nodded. "I'd be more impressed if you two had actually done anything besides babble about corrupting us," Asou said. "Come back when you've actually done anything beyond kissing and holding hands." "Hey, we got...," Satsuki began. "Okay, you do get a few points for trapping yourselves as the opposite gender from whacking off too much," Asou said. "Not the kind of points anyone would WANT, though." "Hah! I'll show you! We will be FAR naughtier than you can even IMAGINE," Suga said. "Whatever," Asou said. "We need to study." Suga couldn't deny that, but he couldn't let such a statement of defiance stand. Sure, he and Satsuki hadn't gone very far, but they just wanted to make sure they didn't leave Sara and Asou behind, that's all. He certainly wasn't too nervous to try anything. Not at all. "Any chance you can get Kami-sama to give us the test answers?" Satsuki asked Sara. "Well, God did tell Yakumo and I to go find Harima, but beyond that..." Sara said. "I expect someone was playing a prank on you," Asou said. "Well, it did work out in the end," Sara said. "But God rarely grants miracles of good test grades." "Damn," Satsuki said. "Especially if you swear." *********** Eri watched Imadori suspiciously as he studied. He hadn't hit on her at all. Were her breasts too small? Kenji certainly seemed to like staring at them. Or was he...was this even the real Imadori? She knew of other worlds now. Maybe this one was from another world...or this was the wrong world. When he came over and helped her through a difficult math problem without even trying to touch her, she finally said, "I can't believe you're not trying to grope me." "That would be unmannerly of me," he said. "Groping is for young, foolish perverts and I am a man of distinction and taste. We will touch each other enough once married." She frowned. Maybe he's so in love with my wealth, it even overrides his perversion. "We're not even in love!" "I have always loved you," he said. "The grace with which you walk, your fiery strength and passion. You are magnificent, and that is why I love you." She blushed slightly at that. He seemed so sincere. But it had to be fake. Surely her parents would never really engage her to a poor fool like Imadori. But then...what about Kenji? She'd worry about him tomorrow, she decided. She wondered...hoped...no, think about it later. Imadori was enough to fret about for now. ************ Things had not been as bad as Hanai had feared. Lala seemed subdued and nervous, while Mikoto looked cranky, but Lala wasn't giving her excuses. As they tromped into the woods, looking for a campsite, Hanai said, "Are you sure your father will know how to get to where my father is?" "Yes," Lala said. "His nose for trouble is infallible." She frowned, looking around. "I'm not seeing a trail of beer bottles," Mikoto muttered. Lala froze, then slowly turned. "I will NOT tolerate you insulting my father. You can steal my boyfriend and defend unworthy scum like Imadori, but I will not STAND for this." "You tried to steal MY boyfriend!" Mikoto said. "He was never your boyfriend! I've known him since we were tiny, and you just showed up and decided to make him your boytoy so you could use him against us for your class and to taunt me!" She and Lala were in each other's face. "I was NOT using him! I LOVE HIM!" Lala shouted back at her. Hanai's instincts told him to run for the hills. But he couldn't let them fight each other. Not with the troubles to come. Better they get mad at him. He stepped between them. "QUIET!!!!!" he shouted. Surprised, they both jumped back slightly. "We can kill each other later! If we hurt each other now, my father will rip us apart with whatever crazy scheme he has going. Even if we're on the top of our game, we may be crushed anyway. But we HAVE to work together. Or Father will annhilate us." He glared at both of them. "We need to be like a finely oiled machine, every part working in unison." "I could never work in unison with that tramp," Mikoto said, still angry. "She's useless," Lala said. "Then we're all going to be Father's playthings until he decides we've learned our lesson. Do you like Father's lessons?" They were both silent. Lala could feel her heart throbbing with frustration and pain; this was the Haruki she loved most, but she was seeing it here and now when he was likely to hardly ever show her any of his private faces again. But she wouldn't give up, not yet, not until the final ten count was made. "No," Lala said. "You're right." Mikoto stared at her in surprise. "We have to work together, whatever our personal feelings." Lala's voice was tight. She held out a hand to Mikoto. "Until Hanai's father is crushed, we must make peace." Mikoto suddenly felt ashamed that Lala was being more reasonable than her. She took the hand. "And...until your father is safe." Lala looked surprised now, but nodded. They both turned to Hanai, who smiled. "Good. Let's find a good campsite, then. We're going to need to be well-rested." The rest of the night was peaceful. ************* Tani-sensei blinked. "Tenma-san, why are you wearing a college graduation gown?" "I am Dr. Tsukamoto," Tenma said in flawless English. "I am standing in for Miss Tenma while she fantasizes about Christmas with her boyfriend." Many in the class laughed and whispered. Eri looked frustrated. Technically, it violates the dress code, he thought. But if she can improve her performance...hell, it would be nice to have more competent English speakers. "Well, Dr. Tsukamoto, let's see you conjugate." "With pleasure," Tenma said, then began running through the verb forms of 'to create' in exceeding detail, while most of the other students struggled to keep up. Eri finally learned what the subjunctive tense actually WAS, though. ************** Eri bailed out of class to go to the bathroom shortly before lunch. The plan was for her to never go back; he would slip out and they'd meet on the roof for the talk. Part of her hoped he would profess his love, part of her feared he would be giving her the 'I love Yakumo forever' speech, and part of her wondered what future they could possibly have if he did profess his love to her. She reached the roof without any trouble, and stood, staring out across the campus. The longer she waited, the more she feared he was going to just come and do some stupid shit like he did most of the time. Talk some smack about...like all the smack he'd talked when he was a woman. But even then, turned into something other than her normal self, even with Harima rambling on, she couldn't stay away from him. Which made her angry with herself for having that kind of weakness. She could hear his voice, full of passion in her mind. "If you touch the woman I love, I will KILL YOU," he had shouted to Taro. "Touch her and DIE." He'd said that too. He had to...you couldn't...Kenji would never fake feelings like that. He was a terrible liar; if he was so worked up, the truth always came out. "Yo, princess," Harima said, startling her so much she nearly flipped over the railing. "Don't scare me like that!" she ordered. "You need to pay more attention," he said, striding towards her with a lazy grin. "I was paying attention! You snuck up on me!" she shouted. "I'm not sneaking now," he said, grinning wider. "Stuff that damn engagement. You are MINE," he said, and then he suddenly swept her into an embrace. She felt her heart pound wildly and leaned up to kiss him, feeling him pull her in tight. She wanted him so desperately, wanted to be free. "Let's just run away from all this," she said when he finally broke off the kiss. "I don't want to be a puppet of my parents." "Fuck yeah," he said. "I'm down with that." He jumped off the roof with her, and she screamed all the way down, and then he carried her to his bike and they hopped on and rode off into the sunset. ************ Harima stared at what he'd just doodled and crumpled it up, glancing across the room at Eri. He'd made plans with her to meet on the roof at lunch, but he didn't know what to say. He'd already given Yakumo a half-assed... He was tempted to just run away again, but he HAD to finish his manga and he wanted to know how his heart stood. He had a lot to think about. But he HATED thinking. He had to say something clear and definite and not- monkey-like or weaselish. Eri would get pissed if he waffled, like he really had with Yakumo. But he didn't have any muffins this time. Or ability to think, apparently. He sighed. We won't be able to do anything until this engagement is broken, anyway. Just gonna have to improvise, he thought. When the time came, she was waiting for him, just like in his manga. "Yo, Eri-san," he said. She turned around and stared at him, looking to him almost like a deer about to break and run from a hunter. "Look, I gotta tell you...," Harima began. And then the security men flowed over him like a tide. Eri shouted, "No, wait, we're just..." "Sorry, Miss," one of them said. "We're not supposed to allow him any special contact with you." "PUT ME DOWN!" Harima shouted as they carried him off. They put him down in a garbage can behind the school. They were gonna pay for this. Oh yeah, they would pay. ************ As Hanai, Lala, and Mikoto hiked along, Lala held a hand up. "I heard something above us." Hanai looked up with the others, and they saw three angry bears plummeting towards them. "Drop bears! Flip back!" They flipped back and the bears landed where they HAD been, then charged at them, growling loudly. Lala grabbed one bear and threw it into the air, then leaped up after it, ramming it in the back with her head. As it howled, she spun with it in the air, threw it to the ground, and came down on the bear's groin, leaving it howling in pain. Mikoto dropped under the bear's claws and swept its legs, then kicked it in the face as it fell. As it tried to scramble to its feet, she proceeded to punt it up into a tree, where it got stuck headfirst into a hollow spot. Hanai grabbed the hands of the bear as it swatted at him, then rolled backwards, slamming it headfirst into a rock. Once it was dazed, he hefted it and hurled it down a nearby steep slope. Then he looked up the nearby cliff they were going around the bottom of, to see if there were more bears. But it looked clear. "I'll take point," he said. "This probably is the start of Father's 'fun' for us." "Look, it's a cute bunny!" Mikoto said, pointing at a fluffy white bunny. "Probably a deadly killer," Hanai said. "With laser eyes," Lala said. "And armor-piercing fangs," Hanai said. "I think it's just a cute bunny," Mikoto said. "We'd best strike first," Hanai said. The rabbit looked at them curiously. "Agreed," Lala said. "I really think it's..." By the time she said 'harmless', Hanai and Lala had hogtied it and rolled it down the slope Hanai had thrown his bear down. "You sure that was necessary?" Mikoto asked. "Absolutely," Hanai said. "Definitely," Lala said. Mikoto said a brief silent prayer of apology to all the animals who were about to suffer. *********** "Got the report yet?" Yoshidayama asked Buddha. "Here you go," he said, passing the report to Yoshidayama. They were at Buddha's, studying with some of the other guys. Inbetween movies, anyway. The report opened with 'Give it up, Yoshi-san'. Not the best of omens, but Yoshidayama stubbornly pressed on, reading the whole thing. Culture, he thought. Going to have to become more cultured. "What does 'cultured' mean?" he asked Buddha. Before Buddha could reply, Umezu said, "It's how they make cheese and yogurt, right?" Buddha looked at Yoshidayama, then nodded solemnly. This is gonna be tricky, Yoshidayama thought. ************ "I'm sure the deer are innocent," Mikoto said. "Oh, this time, it's for eating," Hanai said as he and Lala brought down a deer. "Do you, in fact, know how to prepare a deer for eating?" Mikoto asked. "Yes," Hanai said. "Hmm, it is possible your father anticipated this and poisoned the deer, so we would eat it and weaken ourselves to assault," Lala pointed out. Hanai frowned. "Wouldn't that kill the deer?" "Not everything affects every mammal, I think," Lala said. "Look, we owe it to the deer to at least eat it, given you decided to mug it," Mikoto said. "True," Hanai said. "Well, maybe he ran out of poison," Lala said, rationalizing. "I don't think he normally uses poison," Mikoto said, sighing. "We're special," Lala said. Not that special, Mikoto thought. Except maybe like Special Ed. ************* Sagano was trying to study, but mostly goofing off, which was starting to irritate her. She really did want to get good grades so she wouldn't flunk. That would get her more Christmas swag and keep her boyfriend happy and lessen the chance he would move up a grade and she would...not. However, there kept being this weird noise outside. So she went to the window; she could see rabbits streaming past her apartment building, a hopping horde, gradually coming together and flooding across the city. As she watched, she could see them streaming towards the nearby train station and somehow hopping onto the roof. It looked like something exciting was going on. Maybe I should... She shook her head and drew her shades. No. I must focus. FOCUS. I have to study, she thought. There was only one choice. Find a victim...smart person...to pound the info into her brain. Selling herself to Akira wouldn't be cheap, but hopefully, it would be effective. *************** The venison turned out quite tasty and entirely not poisonous. They had a good meal and saved the rest to eat later (if not too much later, as they only had salt for a preservative). An hour later, they came to a narrow stone bridge over a chasm. A martial artist clad in blue stood on it. "NUN SHALL PASS," he shouted. "So, we have to challenge you to pass you?" Hanai asked. "Is that 'nun' or 'none'?" Mikoto asked. "NUN," the man bellowed. "Too bad Sara isn't here," Hanai said. "I can take him," Lala said. "Ready for your beating?" she asked the man. "NUN SHALL PASS," the man shouted. "Can you, in fact, say anything else?" she asked. "NUN." "Right." Then she charged at the man, trying to simply run him over. He ducked under her arms and head-butted her in the groin, sending her pitching back, moaning and falling. She staggered to her feet and dove for his legs, but he jumped over her arms and landed on her back, then kicked her in the butt, keeping his arms behind his back. As they fought, she noticed he never used his arms. It was rather like fighting someone using soccer-fu, all kicks and head-butts. She frowned in thought, and tried kicking a rock towards him; he stole it and began driving down the bridge, oblivious to her; he realized what he was doing just in time to turn around and get kicked in the face. Now she got her hands on him and quickly forced him into a hold he couldn't break since he wouldn't use his arms. "Got you," she said. "Dammit," he said. "You win." "Not bad, but your style is vulnerable to holds," she said, letting him go and waving Mikoto and Hanai up. "So what's this thing about nuns?" "Nun kicked my ass when I tried to stop her, one time," he said. "Well, good luck." "Thank you," she said, and they headed on. ************* "I'm sorry, Akira's gone to her boyfriend's house," Mrs. Takano told Sagano. Dammit, should have called her first, Sagano thought. I can gatecrash there as well as here, though. ***************** As Lala, Hanai, and Mikoto pressed on through the shadows of twilight, they came to a sign. 'All who pass this point shall be crushed by the Seven Fists of Fury. Turn back, weaklings.' "I'll show THEM weaklings," Lala said. "Hmm. I understand they're a group of mercenary ninjas," Hanai said. Distantly, a voice echoed, "WE ARE NOT NINJAS! WE ARE MONKS OF THE WHITE LOTUS!" "Mercenary monks of the white lotus, then," Hanai said. "We can expect them to have powerful Kung Fu." "And flowers?" Lala asked. "Possibly. They may lecture us on buddhism and enlightenment as they clobber us," Hanai said. "Vicious buddhist monks, then," Mikoto said, leaning on a tree. "They follow the path of internal peace through exterior violence," Hanai said. "Every broken bone or knocked out fighter removes one of the barriers to Nirvana." "And the White Lotus itself?" Lala asked. "It watches," Hanai said solemnly. Mikoto didn't get it, but she was ready to fight them. "So we just have to lure the White Lotus Ninjas out of..." "WE ARE NOOOOOOT NINJAS!" "Triangle formation," Hanai said. "Mikoto-kun to my left and rear, Lala-san to my right. I'll take the lead." They moved into formation and began heading down the trail in the direction of the shouting voice. ************* "You can't explain where you were due to being brainwashed by the American government?" Nara's father asked in surprise. "National Security Amnesia," Nara said. "I see," Nara's father said. "But you are not, in fact, married." "No," Nara said. "Well, you'll have to pay us back for the house, then," Nara's father said. "Can't you keep it and I just stay here?" Nara asked. "The house is in you and Akira's name," Nara's father said. "I've already taken the tax writeoff and everything. So you'll have to pay it off to us as your punishment for vanishing without telling us." "But...I don't have that kind of money!" "Now, let's discuss an installment plan," Nara's father said. "I'll figure us out...something, Kentaro-kun," Akira said, frowning. Well, at least I'll have more space, Nara thought. "It's not built on a secret Indian burial ground or anything, right?" Nara's mother patted him on the head. "There's no secret Indian burial grounds in Japan, dear." "It's on an old Ainu burial ground, next door to some vampires," Mr. Nara said. "Don't worry, they're pretty reclusive and their bats have been trained to use a litterbox." I think Sara's going to have to be our first guest, Nara thought. Once we're no longer in hock to my parents, anyway. **************** Lala peered into the woods again. "Still not seeing the Fabulous Fury Freak Brothers or whoever these people are." "WE ARE NOT...WHATEVER THAT IS...WE ARE MONKS OF THE WHITE LOTUS!" the voice echoed in the trees, but they couldn't pin down its location. "Well, you seem to be the hiding little chickens behind trees monks." She began making chicken noises. That was too much; all semblence of a plan fell apart and seven people clad in white came rushing out of the trees, four men and three women. A pair each of a man and a woman went after each of the three of them, while the final man stood and watched, arms folded across his chest. Hanai found himself facing a man armed with nunchaku and a woman armed with a long chain with a huge metal sphere on the end. It had spikes, but they'd been carefully covered with nerf padding. Hanai stared mindlessly at the covered spikes, and the woman said, apologetically, "Your father was afraid your glasses would get broken, and he'd have to pay for new ones." Hanai leaped over her first sweeping attack with the chain and blocked the nunchaku. "And a huge metal ball won't break them?" "I didn't follow the logic either," the woman said, as she switched grips and moved to attack him from the right as the nunchaku man moved to Hanai's left. Hanai now ducked under the assault, letting the chain tangle the nunchaku; he then kicked the man down, pulling the woman with him. They rolled, and disentangled, and resumed their assault. Meanwhile, Lala faced a pair of huge people, a giant of a man and an enormous woman. They wore matching White Lotus masks. They rushed her at once, and she said, "Not fair when I don't have a partner!" "Shouldn't have let the other woman take him," the wrestling man said as he grabbed one of Lala's arms. She managed to kick the wrestling woman in the face, then twisted around to slide out of his grasp, only to have him come at her again. She managed to grab and throw him, but then the woman got hold of Lala, slamming Lala down onto her knee. Then the man jumped at her, and only by wiggling loose did she avoid disaster. "I didn't 'LET' her do anything! She used her evil wiles to twist his heart!" "I AM NOT EVIL!" Mikoto shouted as she faced a lithe dark haired woman with two short swords and a quarterstaff wielding man. She rolled between them, getting them to hit each other as they struck at her, but then they both jabbed her in the back, sending her pitching into some bushes. "Haruki-kun and I have loved each other a long time, we just didn't realize it!" Mikoto shouted as she flipped to her feet. She circled, then lunged, trying to smack the man in the back. She parried his quarterstaff response, but then the woman darted in and slashed at her legs. This forced Mikoto into the air, where the man whacked her to the ground with his quarterstaff. "From what we've heard, he rather enjoyed having three girlfriends. I'm surprised he didn't bring the other one too." He tried to whack her again, but she tumbled out of the way, then leaped up into a tree. Coming down at the woman, Mikoto said, "They were never his girlfriends, only me." "Well, really, it's too complicated to explain during a fight," Hanai said as he tried grabbing the chain and pulling the woman in, only to get beaten around the head with nunchaku repeatedly so he lost his grip. "I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP YET!" Lala shouted as she grabbed the woman and began twirling the woman wrestler over her head. "You sure looked like you'd moved on in the other world. Rather loudly," Mikoto said as the woman parried Mikoto's dive with her swords, then the man spanked her bottom with the quarterstaff. Which made her angrier. "He was so lonely and sad," Lala said sadly, as the male wrestler headbutted her stomach; she lost her grip on the woman wrestler, and they fell into a pile on the ground. "Lala-san!" Hanai shouted, seeing this, and tried to turn to go to her aid. Unfortunately, this left him open to the woman he fought snagging his legs with her chain, and she dragged him back in so the nunchaku wielder could reap a harvest of back injuries on Hanai. "Haruki-kun!" Mikoto turned and dived at Hanai's foes, only to have her leap knocked to one side by the quarterstaff man, followed by her pants being pinned to the ground with two sword thrusts. "YOU TOUCHED MY BREASTS!" Lala shouted, and applied her foot full force to the male wrestler's groin. His eyes crossed and he flew off her. She then pulled the female wrestler into a hold and began beating her against the ground. The observing Fist of Fury's eyelids flickered slightly. While Mikoto and Hanai took their beatings, Lala continued to pound the woman into the ground. Once the female wrestler was in no shape to fight more, she rose, carrying the woman as a club, and proceeded to hammer the woman who had chained up Hanai with her. She lost her grip on Hanai, who then spun on his back and knocked the nunchaku wielder down. He flipped to his feet and grabbed the nunchaku, tossing them aside and pounding on the man, while Lala tied the chain woman up with her own chain. Meanwhile, Mikoto tried hard to fend off her two foes, but wasn't having much luck. She couldn't get up without mostly ripping her pants apart, and it was far too cold to run around in her underwear, leaving aside propriety issues. She was tough enough to take some beating at the moment, though. The last of the Fists, oddly enough, continued to quietly observe. Hanai, seeing Mikoto still beset, said, "Mikoto-kun!" and was about to run to her. Lala said, "We have to deal with that other guy. She can keep them busy and..." "I can't leave her there to be beaten up!" Hanai said. "She deserves it," Lala said darkly. "She wouldn't leave..." Hanai began. "Bullshit, she'd let me get clobbered and we both know it," Lala said. "I can't leave her to be clobbered," Hanai said. Every minute of arguing meant more clobbering for Mikoto. "Fine, go save her, I'll deal with this guy," Lala said, charging off after the man. Hanai sighed and ran over, axe-kicking the man and driving him back, then beginning to beat him to pieces, while Mikoto defended herself from the woman as best she could. The last of the fists glowed a soft yellow as Lala charged him. Lala tried to grab him, but he began bouncing around her, constantly kicking and punching her, then pulling out of reach. "You shouldn't have tried to fight me alone," he said. "You can't hope to beat me." She feared him right, but refused to admit the possibility. She would fight until she could fight no more. Which, with the many beatings he was giving her, might not be much longer. Meanwhile, Hanai felt himself impressed with Mikoto's survival, as the man proved a more vicious fighter than either of his foes had been. Mikoto found her foe improved as well, or perhaps just being pinned down was hurting her. She finally gave up and ripped her pants to shreds, tearing loose, just in time to get pinned by her shirt to a tree. "Are you some kind of pervert?" Mikoto asked the woman. "You're the pervert, from what I hear," the woman said. "Sleeping with two men and a woman." "I haven't ever had sex with anyone but Haruki-kun!" Mikoto protested. She was getting clobbered again. Don't make me shred my shirt, she thought. "They're just friends!" Hanai said, protesting. He foolishly turned to say this and got whacked in the back of the head with the quarterstaff. "What, you're sleeping with yet others, but not with me?" Lala shouted, turning. This distracted her enough that the last Fist got in a massive blow to her back, knocking her down, then stomped her head, knocking her out. He then advanced across the field, color shifting to red and advancing on Hanai, who he soon put in a grappling hold and held him while the man with the quarterstaff kept pounding away. That finally motivated Mikoto to tear her shirt off and charge, only to get smacked in the back with the flats of both the woman fighter's blades. The woman then held the points of her blades to Mikoto's back. "You lose." "MIKOTO-KUN!!!!" Hanai struggled to escape the hold, only to find himself cutting off his own oxygen in the process. He then passed out. Shit, Mikoto thought. She sighed. "You win. Just don't hurt Haruki any more." "And the woman?" the last fist asked. "Do whatever you want," she said. The last fist shook his head sadly. "Kids these days. Okay, let's take them in." ************** Karen sat in her bedroom and studied by herself, since she was still grounded for life and likely to stay that way. As she was busy doing example math problems, there was a subtle noise at her window. Turning, she saw Harry dangling from the window frame outside. He made handgestures of uncertain meaning, so she came over and opened the window. She whispered, "I'm still grounded for life!" "Yeah, but if we're quiet, we won't get caught. I won't stay too long," he whispered. She knew she shouldn't, but she felt lonely, so she pulled him in. He immediately pulled her into a kiss, which she returned, stumbling back to end up with him in her lap as she sat on the edge of the bed. He finally broke it off, saying softly, "I'd show you heaven, but I fear your lovely voice would attract your parents' notice." Karen blushed. He now swung around a thermos and a small box. "Cookies and tea," he said. "We'll have to eat quietly." She nodded, smiling. "Thank you." "I can't pretend either is very well made, but I tried," he said. Her eyes widened. "You made it yourself? For me?" He nodded, smiling. "You're so sweet," she said. If only Imadori-kun would treat me like this, she thought. But he's...he's engaged. I have to forget him. She smiled at Harry. I'm lucky to have someone to take my mind off it, or I'd just sit and cry all the time, she thought. Well...I wish him luck with Eri. May they be...happy. ************ "How strange, you would almost think someone added salt and pepper to my tea," Imadori said, after he sipped it. He and Eri were being tutored by her father. Henry said, "That wasn't very nice of you, Eri-chan." "I didn't do anything!" she protested. She'd made the butler do it. Henry sighed. "Your struggling will only make this hard on you, dear." "Now, now, I'm sure it was just an accident," Imadori said. "Please continue to tutor us; we have so much to learn; there's no time for squabbling." STOP ACTING SO BENEVOLENT, Eri thought. How the hell is Imadori doing this? And why won't he try to fondle my chest? I HAVE A VERY NICE CHEST. Kenji likes it. She grumbled to herself. ************** "Haruki-san!" Miki said in horror as the Seven Fists dragged their three captives into the clearing. She was busy practicing punching a wooden dummy. "Mikoto-san!" Masahiro said. He was busy cleaning the dishes from dinner. "My little Lala!" Mr. Gonzales shouted; he was confined inside a cage, wearing a rough brown shirt, jeans which had seen better days, and a silver and black mask. The head of the Fists went and talked to Mr. Hanai quietly. He shook his head sadly. "No teamwork at all," Mr. Hanai said. "A pity, really." "Well, the two lovers did try to cooperate, but they failed to coordinate all three together," the head Fist said. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LALA!" Mr. Gonzales shouted, rattling the cage. "Just given her a gentle beating," the head Fist said. "She'll wake up eventually." Mikoto tried to get Miki's eyes. Instead, she caught Masahiro's gaze. She mimed a key. He nodded and slunk over to the stump on which the cage keys sat and began to slink away with them. But not skillfully enough; Mr. Hanai saw him and dived at him, knocking him down. He tossed the keys to Miki, who sprinted for the cage, which Mr. Gonzales was increasingly frantically rattling. The lady with the chain whipped it about and snagged her legs, pulling her down, but Miki hurled the keys to Mr. Gonzales. He caught them before anyone could intercept them, and unlocked the cage. He adjusted his mask, then said, "Who wants to die first?" The two wrestlers charged at him. He spun, kicking the woman in the gut and knocking her aside, then grabbed the man and rolled backwards, slamming him into the ground, followed by Mr. Gonzales rising up over him, breathing hard and then coming down on the man like a ton of bricks. As he jumped up and down on the man, the staff and nunchaku wielding men went to the aid of the male wrestler, although the woman with the chain was still dragging Miki towards her and the head Fist stood back. Then Miki managed to twist around and grab the chain and yank. To her surprise, the woman was tugged towards her, and now Miki rose and began to twirl the woman around over head as she spun the chain. She could see Mr. Hanai clobbering Masahiro, the swordswoman keeping Mikoto pinned and Mr. Gonzales under attack from three people at once. She could help one of them, but not all three. The world seemed to slow as she agonized over it. Mr. Gonzales needed her more, but her boyfriend, her wonderful, handsome, kind boyfriend was getting beaten up. But even if she did whack Mr. Hanai with the woman, it would probably not take him down. But she had to do something to help her boyfriend. She bit her lip in frustration, then spun the woman at the nunchaku-wielding man; the chain tangled up with that, and dragged him around to crash into the man with the quarterstaff, who then got gut punched by Mr. Gonzales, who picked him up while he was off balance. Mr. Gonzales hurled the quarterstaff man at the swordswoman. "TAG!" Miki could hardly believe what she was doing; this was like some martial arts movie where super-intense training in the woods suddenly makes you a badass. She hadn't realized how much tougher it made her. Now it was time to save Masahiro-kun. Except that now the lead fist was moving to attack Mikoto as Mikoto got attacked by the swordswoman; she was having to fight in her underwear. And Masahiro...well, he wasn't half-naked, though she wouldn't have minded if he was...getting back to business, though, he was getting clobbered, but had started out fresh, while Mikoto was battered and worn. Mr. Gonzales seemed to be busy finishing off the nunchaku man. Miki shouted to him, "Mikoto-kun needs your help!" She then ran to intercept the head fist. "I'll keep him busy while you all deal with his minions!" He advanced on her relentlessly. "So, you think you're tough enough to take me?" She began shelling him with quick punches and kicks, trying to keep out of his reach when he retaliated. His aura glowed blue, and his body just seemed to shrug off his blows. But she kept on punching and giving ground, drawing him away from the others. "I hardly believe that I'm able to fight like this at all," she said. "But if I can keep you busy long enough for the real fighters to win the day, I'll be happy." "And you don't mind abandoning your boyfriend?" the head Fist asked amiably as he punched her in the gut, sending her sprawling. She rolled out of the way of his followup stomp, however, and kicked him in the butt, then sprang back. "I'm not...abandoning him...but I can't possibly beat Mr. Hanai by myself. But maybe all of us together, can. There's strength in unity," she said. He grabbed her foot and slammed her into a tree, but she twisted, losing her shoe, but sliding free. "You think you can count on the old drunk and the woman who had a crush on your boyfriend?" "Mikoto-kun is my dear friend!" Miki said indignantly. "I know she'd never try anything with my boyfriend without letting me do the same with hers!" The head Fist froze up a moment in surprise at that response and Miki nailed him in the chest with two punches that knocked him down. Her followup kick to his groin got blocked and she got knocked down. Mikoto, busy nailing the swordswoman to a tree by her shirt, said, "I...uh...ahahaha." Masahiro shouted, "Miki, let's not tell the world about our sex life!" He was so embarrassed that he burst out of Mr. Hanai's grip with the power of sheer panic, then ran across the camp, making Mr. Hanai chase after him. Then he had an idea. He circled past the dishes, grabbing some of the leftovers, of which there were a lot, as his effort to cook had been a disaster. As Mr. Hanai grabbed him, he popped the slightly slimy looking deer meet into Mr. Hanai's mouth. Mr. Hanai turned to get water, and Masahiro charged to his girlfriend's aid, even as Mr. Gonzales and Mikoto charged the head Fist as well. By the time his mouth stopped burning, the head Fist was chained up, swinging from a tree, and Mr. Gonzales and Mikoto were helping Lala and Hanai up, respectively. "Surrender now!" Hanai said to his father. "You win," Mr. Hanai said. "I suggest we all get some sleep, then go home." "Just sleep and go home?" Lala said. "AFTER WHAT YOU PUT US THROUGH?" "It's enough, little Lala," her father said, hugging her. She blushed. "I'm tired after all that fighting. Let's get some sleep and we can go back to Tokyo tomorrow." "Papa, how did you get here?" Lala asked. "I didn't think you had enough money for a flight." "Remember what I did in 'El Zorro Platado vs. the Alien Drug-Runners of Nazca'?" he asked. She struggled...she'd seen it...with...Americans? "You...you climbed up in the WHEEL WELL???" "Wow, that's impressive," Masahiro said. "Wasn't it cold?" "I FEEL NO COLD," Mr. Gonzales bragged. "Really, after all the heat of my homeland, I found it refreshing." "Papa, you shouldn't just make things up," Lala said, looking embarrassed. "All true," he said, then yawned. "I'm going to take Mr. Hanai's tent. He can sleep in the cage." "I will sleep with my son so as to keep him from sneaking off to his ladyfriends," Mr. Hanai said, yawning himself. "Goodnight, everyone." *************** The doorbell rang, and Nara's mother went to answer it. Nara and Akira were now studying together in the living room. "Oh, Kentaro-chan, there's another girl here to see you," his mother said in a sing-song sort of way. Akira frowned slightly, until she saw it was just Sagano. "Not studying with Fuyuki tonight?" "His parents needed him for slave labor," Sagano said. "Takano-san, I must beg you to fill my poor empty head with wisdom." She knelt before Akira. "First, you must learn not to give straight lines like that," Akira said. "Yes, sensei," Sagano said humbly. "It's going to cost you 1000 yen/hour," Akira continued. "Nara and I have expenses to meet." "Yes, sensei," Sagano said, wincing. "Thirdly, you must bring us food and drink each night, made by someone competent," Akira said. "Yes, sensei," Sagano said. "That is all. Let us begin." "Thank you, sensei," Sagano said, rising, and they got down to business. ************** Yoshidayama thumbed through the very comprehensive intel report. It was crammed full of facts about Eri's parents. It was everything he'd asked for. But he didn't know what to do with it. His main talents were soccer, delinquincy, scoring cigarettes, drinking, swearing, and a little brawling. Unfortunately, unless he could get onto Manchester United, he wasn't likely to parlay any of those into impressing Eri's parents. How had Imadori done it? No choice but to probe Imadori. Not like that, though. *************** Harima had been working his butt off all night, studying with one hand and drawing with another, while Yakumo studied with one hand and drew with the other as well. They were like a finely oiled studying and drawing machine. Indeed, Harima was stunned when he glanced at the clock and realized they'd been working together for five hours straight. He only stopped because he was starving. He glanced over at Dr. Tenma and Karasuma; Dr. Tenma was explaining to Karasuma how to reconcile Heinlein's authorship of both The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Number of the Beast without assuming demonic possession or Alzheimer's. It wasn't easy. "Anyone want some tea? And is there anything to snack on?" Harima asked. "I'll make us some riceballs," Yakumo said, rising. "And get everyone some tea. You'd better keep studying." Harima really wanted a distraction, but he knew she'd produce better food than him, so he tried to study, instead of brooding. Tenma was so cute in the professorial outfit...no, can't think about that, he thought. I must draw and study and draw and draw studying... He had to throw out a page, then another one when he realized he was drawing himself stuffing security men into a garbage can. He frowned. "Tenma-san, have you ever had any trouble with Eri- san's security?" Harima asked. "I have found it expedient to avoid gestures which might contribute to being assaulted by her protective agents," Dr. Tenma said. "Have they been intruding on your personal space?" "Yeah, a bunch of them kicked my ass at lunch time," he said. He'd managed to forget it, but now it was coming back to him and irritating them. Dr. Tenma said, "I fear our contact with Eri-chan will be limited until her parents relent." "True," Karasuma said. "Fuckers, how they can chain her to a bastard like Imadori? I ought to just break him," Harima snarled. "Violence will only beget violence; they can wield more force than you can. I suggest a propaganda campaign." "A what?" "Raise public protest," Dr. Tenma said. Harima brooded over that until the food came, and for whatever reason, the taste of one of Yakumo's delicious riceballs gave him an idea. Oh yes, this would be perfect, he was sure. ************** "Son, have you been sleeping with those two girls?" Mr. Hanai asked his son as they tried to fall asleep in their tent. "Only one of them," Hanai mumbled. "As that Miki girl sounded like..." "We haven't done anything. I've never even kissed Miki," Hanai said. Mr. Hanai tried to turn the words in his mind; there was a catch, and the question was how Haruki was hiding it. "You haven't..." "I haven't had sex with Lala, either," Hanai said. She was certainly sexy, but he was a faithful man. "I am faithful to my girlfriend." "Then what did..." "Mikoto USED to have a crush on Masahiro-san. She got over it once he got a girlfriend. That's all. Miki was just being superlative as she often is." Mr. Hanai looked at Hanai suspiciously. "It is all! No giant sex orgies, no partner swapping, no nothing," Hanai said. Even if Miki did look even better than before. "So where have you been? What happened?" Hanai explained it all to his father. "Learn any good secret techniques?" Mr. Hanai asked. "They wouldn't be secret if I told you," Hanai said. Mr. Hanai laughed. "Well, I think your beating and being turned into a woman is punishment enough. However, if you don't settle things with Gonzales-san, I will have to crush you again. The three of you didn't cooperate very well." Hanai sighed. "Which is why we lost." "Exactly. I realize now I haven't put enough emphasis in your training on group combat, either. You all fight well individually, but you don't fight as a unit. And sometimes, that's important. That's why your friends and Mr. Gonzales did better, despite being inferior to you three in skill." "Mr. Gonzales seemed pretty formidable to me," Hanai said. "He was huffing and puffing; he's got the skill, but his endurance is shot. I'm tempted to keep him a while and get him back in shape; it hurts to see someone gone to pot like that," Mr. Hanai said. "I think he'd beat me for hurting his daughter every day, if you kept him," Hanai said. "Hmm, good point. Definitely going to have to keep him." "FATHER!!!!" ************ Miki stretched, before lying down. "So tired." "Me too," Mikoto said. "I ache all over." Miki laid down, then said, "I...I'm sorry about my outburst. It was just the truth, but I was all worked up and..." She blushed, rolling onto her stomach and staring at her pillow. "Miki, I..." Mikoto said nervously. "I trust you," Miki said. "You came to rescue us and went through a lot of hell to do so." She turned a little to look over at Mikoto, who was on her back, staring up at the ceiling. "I just wish Haruki's father wasn't here, so we could have sex." She sighed. "I...I could go sleep by myself and let Masahiro come in," Mikoto said nervously. "I mean, it's not like he can stop you two doing what you want." She paused. "Well, not now he can't." "It wouldn't be fair. We can wait and have a victory party this weekend," Miki said. Mikoto imagined a victory party with Miki and Masahiro and shivered a little. "Because we missed so much school, we're going to be studying our asses off," she said. "But I'm sure we can make some time for a party. As long as it isn't too long." "Oh Buddha....school...I AM SO DEAD," Miki said, pounding the ground. "If I flunk my classes, I'm gonna have to kill Hanai's father." "I'm sorry," Mikoto said, feeling guilty. "We're gonna have to study hard...dammit, I want a victory party. But we can make it a Christmas party, I guess. That'll be fun. And then...all night, afterwards...oh, it'll be perfect. My folks have a place in the mountains we could all go to." "I'm not sure if, after this, I'll be allowed out of the house without a chaperone," Mikoto said. "But if I am, that would be great." "We can even ski if you don't mind having to walk back up the mountain," Miki said. "No chairlift or anything." "That'll be fine," Mikoto said. She felt she ought to bring up the whole not exactly group sex thing, but she was afraid to say anything. It was hard to discuss. "You can invite some friends, we'll bring some friends...the master bedroom is big enough for four people, and my folks will be in Hawaii, so..." Mikoto gulped. "Hawaii?" she asked, dodging the question. "Dad's boss is holding some sort of conference / party for his top men and women and their spouses. In Hawaii, Christmas through New Years. I think it's mainly an excuse to charge his vacation to the company's accounts," Miki said. "But you didn't hear that from me." "Right." "I suppose your parents will probably be the sticking point here," Miki said. "I think my parents are about ready to slow roast us both over an open fire," Mikoto said. "Well, I'll have to figure out something," Miki said, yawning. "I suppose we should sleep." "Probably," Mikoto said. "Goodnight." "Goodnight." ************* "You have to forget about him. I'll break his limbs, and you can move on," Mr. Gonzales said. Lala sighed, lying on her back. "It's not that easy," she said. "Well, he's clearly moved on, and seems to have several other girlfriends. He's not good for you," Mr. Gonzales said. "He's great for me, but that bitch Suou got to him." She frowned. "He'd be mine if she hadn't known him so long." "You have to move on," Mr. Gonzales said. "Which will be easier when I kill him." She sighed. "Daddy, how are you going to get home?" "Probably hop in another wheel well." "That's really dangerous!" Lala said. "Well, until the next royalty check, I don't have money for international flights," he said. Lala frowned. "We'll figure out something. I don't want..." She felt the ground shaking gently. Mr. Gonzales sat up, frowning. "Earthquake?" "It sounds like something hitting the ground. A lot of...like a herd of...there are no big wild herds in Japan," Lala said, frowning. Mr. Gonzales stuck his head out the tent flap. "Rabbits." "What?" Lala stuck her head out, then stared. "Uh oh." A tide of rabbits was flooding through the trees towards them, covering everything in a blanket. "RABBIT ATTACK!" she shouted, leaping out of her tent and charging the rabbits. Everyone was still groggily getting up when the rabbits flooded over everything like a tide. ************ The next afternoon, Sara was passing the train station when Mikoto, Lala, Mr. Gonzales, Miki, Masahiro, Mr. Hanai, and Hanai all staggered down the steps to the street. They were all a mess in torn clothing and covered with bandages. "Oh no, what happened!" Sara said, rushing over to them. "Rabbits," Hanai mumbled. "I hate them." "Forever," Lala mumbled. "I tried to tell you two," Mikoto mumbled. "But did you listen? Noooo." "Rabbits attacked you?" "All the rabbits attacked us," Lala said. "Who's your friend?" Mr. Gonzales asked. "This is Senorita Sara Adiemus, Papa," Lala said. "Sara, this is my father, Jorge Gonzales, the Silver Fox." "Nice to meet you," Sara said, bowing. "Did you all make sure..." "We washed the wounds to avoid infections," Mr. Hanai said. "Good," Sara said. Why did the rabbits..." "Long story," Lala mumbled. "It was karma," Mikoto said, sighing. "If you see Akira or Tenma or Eri, can you let them know we made it back sort of okay, Sara?" "Sure," Sara said. Miki asked, "Is she one of your classmates, Mikoto- kun?" "She's one of our kohai, Tenma's sister's best friend," Mikoto said. "And she's dating Asou-san from my class." "Nice to meet you," Sara said, bowing to Miki and Masahiro as well. Mikoto introduced them to Sara, then said, "Anyway, we'd best all get home so my parents can kill me." She sighed. "I'll pray for you!" Sara said. "We'll need it," Hanai mumbled. ************* "Rabbits? They got their ass kicked by RABBITS?" Harima said to Sara in disbelief. She nodded. "They looked pretty bad." Harima laughed so hard he fell down, so Yakumo had to take the food. "Are you going to come study with us after you finish working?" Yakumo asked. "I'll see if the gang wants to come," Sara said. "Satsuki and I are supposed to study with our boyfriends, but they may want company." "Rabbits...ahahahahaha...RABBITS...ahahahahah..." Harima felt, for one perfect moment, all of his worries and problems fade away as he reveled in the misery of others. Yakumo frowned at that, but didn't say anything about it. Instead, she just said to Sara, "We'd love to have you." "I'll see if they're willing," Sara said. "See you soon." "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Harima was writhing like a man who had just been electrocuted. "Better make sure he doesn't choke," Sara said. "I'll take good care of Kenji-kun," Yakumo said. "Bye for now." "Bye!" ************ The hard part of going home was knowing she would likely die at the hands of her parents. Mikoto nervously opened the door, only to have her mother stare at her, then hug her (which hurt, thanks to the injuries), then usher inside. Her parents quickly decided she'd been maimed enough as punishment, though as they put it... "No more training trips that last for weeks." "Not if I can help it," Mikoto said. "We think Hanai-san has clearly put you through enough hell," her mother said. "Too much hell," her father said, frowning. "So we won't punish you any further. Just don't do anything like this again." "Thank you," Mikoto said gratefully. "Now, go empty the dishwasher," her mother said. "Yes, Mother," Mikoto said and went to go do that. ************ "Mr. Gonzales will be staying with us to give you a daily beating for leading his daughter on," Mr. Hanai told his son. "Until he can save up to go home without having to risk hiding in wheel wells. I could use another instructor, anyway." Lala listened thoughtfully. Her father could use a structured situation like this. Perhaps Mr. Hanai could beat him into shape. "I can come beat him up every day." "Hey, I told you how I felt, remember? I didn't make any promises," Hanai said, starting to get mad. "I told you we shouldn't go on, but you kept persuading me not to!" "You didn't try very hard," Lala said. "I got the impression you were just playing hard to get." "HARD TO GET? Do I look like Harima?" Hanai punched the nearby wall, which shook. Don't want to know, Mr. Hanai decided. "You will pay for spurning me," Lala said angrily. "So what exactly were you doing with the other me? You didn't exactly wait around long after being rejected to jump on someone else!" Hanai shouted. "He loved me!" "He loved someone else who looks like you! You were both being hypocrites!" Hanai said. "Do you think I would have done that if we'd been in opposite positions?" Lala winced and stared at the ground. She made herself look up. "And who's this other woman you're also seeing?" "I AM NOT DATING MIKI-SAN!" Hanai shouted. Dating wasn't the right word, anyway. "You said you weren't dating Suou, either!" "I wasn't...yet..." It was hard to explain. "LIAR! YOU LIED TO ME!" Lala shouted. "I held back because I didn't love you," Hanai said. Though maybe...but no, best not to think of if things could have been different. "I never claimed I did. And when my heart went elsewhere, I broke it off. So stop acting like I did the wrong thing!" They glared at each other, until Mr. Hanai said, "It's time for you to go home, Lala-san. Haruki-kun, it's time for you to go get cleaned up and sleep; you've got lots of studying to catch up on. Don't forget to get up early for your beating." Hanai sighed. "Yes, father." Lala kept her dignity up until she got outside, and then it was time to cry, where no one could see her. ************ Satsuki, Yakumo, and Sara sat at one table, trying to study, while Asou, Suga, Tenma, Karasuma, and Harima sat at another, also trying to study. Asou found the fact that Harima AND Karasuma were both drawing and studying at the same time to be rather distracting, as he kept looking at their little cartoons. Harima was drawing something which looked based on their adventures in the other world, while Karasuma was drawing a pirate adventure starring Yuuki as a pirate captain, Hanai as first mate, and everyone else as subordinate pirates, being hunted by the HMS Tudee. It didn't help that every so often, Harima would toss a page to Yakumo, who would catch it and start lettering it or adding backgrounds with her free hand. It was fascinating to watch them, like drawing machines. TOO fascinating. He was about to say something when Suga said, "Hey, Harima-san." "Hmm, what?" Harima asked, eyes fixed on a math book as math failed to sink in, while his hands drew. "You and Yakumo ever...do it?" Do what, Harima wondered. "Do what?" "It, you know," Suga said. "The beast w