Faith by John Biles April 19, 1988 Mr. and Mrs. Hino smiled as their daughter stepped up to the altar, clad in white. A year ago, she had done her first communion. Now, on her eighth birthday, she was serving as an altar girl for the first time. The mass proceeded as it always does when done right, with dignity and beauty. In their memories, the music would be forever perfect, their daughter's every action perfect. Little Rei always took everything seriously, and whatever she did, it had to be just right. It was a scene that could have happened in almost any nation. The names would change, the language spoken, even the garb, yet in the essentials, it had barely changed in a thousand years, and might remain recognizable a thousand years hence. Every Sunday, millions of Catholics would gather the world over to celebrate and worship together, once in Latin, now in all the tongues of man. For many people, faith is what your parents give you, not what you find for yourself. Not so for the Hino parents. The faith they passed on to their daughter was not the faith into which they had been born. They had walked another road once... February 3, 1978 "YOU'VE WHAT?" Hino-san, the father of the family, shouted. Hino Takashi flinched at the rage in his father's voice. He knew his father would not take this well, but it was his duty to tell him. "I've decided to become baptized and become a Catholic, like my wife." Repeating it wouldn't make it any easier, but it helped him find the strength he needed to face his father. "We've both known for a long time I wasn't going to follow in your footsteps, father." He waved his arms about, taking in the whole sweep of the temple. "Dairoshi was the one who felt...who believed in all this." Hino-san stared at him as if he could make his son spontaneously combust if he only put enough anger into it. "I seem to REMEMBER you praying to the kamis a few times...carrying enough charms for a small army before your college exams..." His son flinched. "I was young and desperate. We all make mistakes in our childhood, follow wrong paths..." This was not quite the right approach, unless Takashi wanted his father to explode. "MISTAKES? WRONG PATHS? YOU are saying my entire life is a LIE! That I'm just a deluded old man! Either you are betraying the kamis and the truths which you were raised in, or you're saying your father is completly insane! A fraud at best!" Takashi flinched. He did believe that, but he didn't want to insult his father. Ever since college had completely destroyed his ability to believe in the truth his father had taught him, he had wandered spiritually, searching for something that he could believe in. One thing that had attracted him to his wife was her sense of faith, the sense he had lost. Now he had found a rock he could believe in. In eighteen years of temple life, he had virtually never found the peace, the sense of divine presence, the strength he found attending the mass, in prayer, in the rites and beliefs of Catholicism. Yet, he knew his father was depending on him to carry on the family traditions. If he did not, there would be no one to succeed to his father's position when he died. Not that this would happen any time soon. Hino-san was getting old, but he was still healthy. With a little effort, he should easily last ten, twenty, maybe even thirty years more. Hino-san's father had lived to eighty-eight and would have lived longer if he had been willing to quit mountaineering when his sight started to go. Unfortunately, his children hadn't been so healthy. The eldest of the three Hino brothers had died at age five from disease, burned away by a fever that would not end. A year ago, the middle brother, who was supposed to succeed to the position, had died in a subway accident. It had nearly broken his father. While Dairoshi lived, Hino-san knew there was someone to keep up the family tradition. They had been the priests of the Hiyakawa shrine for three hundred years, father to son to grandson, generations seemingly as endless as the eternal flame that burned within the shrine. The fuel might need replacing with time, but the fire had never gone out. Now the fire was guttering admidst the ashes. Hino- san's brothers were gone or dead. Two sons dead, the third a traitor to the family line. His wife lived, but they were too old to have more children. He stared at his son. He had known this was coming, yet he had hidden from it. He had trusted the kamis would somehow bring his son back to him. It's all her fault, Hino-san thought. She was Hino Moemi now, but she had been Hiyazaki Moemi when she met his son, a physicist, a Catholic, and worst of all from Hino-san's perspective, very dismissive of Shintoism. Everytime they met, they ended up having a huge fight. He had tried ordering his son to stay away from her, and begged him when that didn't work. His son claimed she was kind and loving and generous, and married her. He felt she had turned his son against him, filled his mind with incomprehensible Catholic twaddle, and single-handedly brought the Hino priesthood to an end. He had tried exorcising her once, but the evil spirits must have been too powerful for him, since nothing happened. Takashi sighed. Why do I always say something stupid when I try to talk to Father, he wondered. I never say the right thing...I ought to know by now what not to say, but somehow I always end up saying it. "I'm sorry, Father. I didn't mean to be rude. I just..." "You just what? WHAT?" Hino-san raged with the anger that only comes from desperation. There had to be something he could do. It couldn't end like this. The rage he had struggled all his life to control erupted again. It was the gift and the curse of the fire. It could bring strength, but it could also destroy. His third son, his only son, flinched before the assault and backed up. Takashi had little fire in him. He was tinder, not flame, his only real choice deciding which fire would burn him. Yet somehow, he had found the strength to stand before his father and cast him aside. The words of the scripture filled his mind, that wives would leave their husbands and children their fathers at the call of the word of God. A different fire burned in him now. "There's no good way to say it. I'm not fit to be a priest even if I wanted to. I'm not interested in this and the spirits couldn't give a fig about me if they even ... I've never seen a spirit despite living here for eighteen years. The only thing I could do with the sacred flame is cook dinner on it. Do you WANT someone running the temple who thinks it is all false? What good would I be, lying just to preserve the family tradition? How could I be a priest if I have no faith?" The sacred fire swelled, responding to Hino-san's mood, which was growing darker by the minute. "It's all HER fault! She did this to you! She's corrupted you! I can't believe you married this..." There was nothing more that could be said. Takashi sighed and turned to leave. He could stay and scream, but his father had always been better than him at that. Images danced in the sacred flame as Hino-san screamed at his son. Sadly, one was unable to see and the other too busy screaming to understand the comfort it tried to offer them both. ************************************************ *** Friday, May 29 1996 The slumber party was well underway at Ami's house. Ami's mom was on-call all night long, so the girls had the huge, beautiful house to themselves. Currently, they were in the middle of a high stakes poker game. Well, high stakes one-yen poker. Ami had gotten out her eight coin jars and provided the stakes. As Minako had said, "A yen saved...sits in a bottle cause you're usually too lazy to put them in little paper rolls so the bank doesn't kill you for taking them in." Rei stared at her hand. Full house. Ami and Minako had folded all ready. Makoto had just raised thirty and Usagi had matched that and raised ten. Makoto probably has a better hand than mine, Rei thought, but Usagi plays so erratically, she might have almost anything in her hand. She glanced over at the candle on the table. As flame always had, ever since she was little, it drew her attention, whether she wanted to direct her attention to it or not. An image flickered in the flame. She saw Usagi had three jacks and Makoto had a full house, but it was eights and sevens, while Rei's was Queens and tens. She sighed. It would be dishonorable to act on this, but she hadn't MEANT to do that. "Fold." Irritation seethed in her and she snuffed the candle before it could cause her any more trouble. Makoto raised again, and Usagi saw the bet. They showed their hands and Makoto raked in her winnings. Rei made sure they didn't see what she had had. Usagi sighed. "I just keep losing all my money." "That's cause you don't know when to fold, dumpling head! You should have known Makoto would have a good hand the way she kept raising on you! Your hand was decent, but it wasn't that good!" "I thought I could bluff her out!" "Someone who can't control her emotions shouldn't try to bluff!" "I can't control my emotions? You're the one who's shouting!" Usagi and Rei were in each other's faces by now, shouting and waving their arms. Rei was a little surprised Usagi hadn't started crying by now. Usagi really had matured some since when she first met her. Then again, so have I, Rei thought. But I'm not really showing it, am I..."You're right, Usagi. I shouldn't have started yelling at you. I'm just tense because my parents are visiting for Easter." Usagi stared blankly at Rei for a few seconds, wondering if her friend had been replaced by a pod person. "Why is that bad? Easter is fun! You get to look for eggs and wear pretty dresses and stuff!" Rei sighed. Usagi probably has no idea why the holiday of Easter even exists. Hardly anyone does in this country. It get celebrated anyway, just like Christmas, which is pretty much Santa day...Not that Shintoism is doing much better. Hardly anyone really believes or understands...they just want an exuse to wear pretty clothing and do something different from their ordinary routine. How can they live like that? I've changed my beliefs, but I've at least got beliefs to change. "Usagi, my parents...wouldn't like me being a Shinto priestess. At all." "What do you mean wouldn't like? You are a Shinto priestess, right?" Minako asked. "Umm. If they knew, they wouldn't like it." Ami blinked. "What, they don't know?" "They don't have a clue. I still attend a Catholic school, attend weekly mass, and do all the other stuff so they won't find out. There's a few people at school who know, but they won't tell my folks." Rei sighed. She'd been lying to her parents for three years now. It made every moment with them a living hell sometimes, but she knew they'd blow their top and take her away from the temple if they knew. It would be the end of all she'd worked for. She couldn't let that happen. "You're going to have to tell them eventually, Rei. You can't keep this a secret forever," Makoto said. "The longer you wait, the angrier they're gonna be when you finally do tell them." "My uncle's coming too. He's a priest. He just got transferred to the parish my school's affiliated with. I don't know what I'm gonna do about him...He's going to be nearby. Sooner or later, he's gonna hear stories..." Rei sighed. This was going to make things even more difficult. "You really ought to tell your parents, Rei. They won't be as angry if you confess to them yourself instead of them finding out on their own." Ami said. She could hardly believe Rei had actually managed to decieve her parents for this long. "If I tell them, they'll take me away from the temple and lock me in a church until I'm twenty one or something! I'll certainly get sent off to boarding school somewhere, or they might even get me a tutor so they can haul me around and keep an eye on me. Mom might chain me to her lab equipment. I'd probably never even get to see Grandpa again." "They can't do that to you!" Usagi said. "That wouldn't be...wouldn't be...It wouldn't be right! Wouldn't your grandpa stop them?" "Yeah, like they'd listen to grandpa. My parents and Grandpa don't get along very well. The only reason I'm living with him is that when my parents had to move, they wanted me to stay at the T and A academy, since it's such a prestigious school, but T and A doesn't have any dorms. They burned down about six months before my parents moved away, and the school couldn't afford to rebuild them because of some kind of problem with the insurance company." Rei picked up the deck and started shuffling for the next hand. "Why are your parents Catholic when your grandfather is a Shinto priest, Rei?" Ami asked. Rei started dealing. "Dad thinks it's all a crock. So does Mom. She was Catholic already when they met and she convinced Dad it was all a load of malarky. Dad grew up in the temple. His older brother was supposed to be the next priest, but he died in an accident, so Grandpa wanted Dad to take over after him. Dad wasn't interested. He had been planning to go into business, and that's what he did. He and Grandpa have hardly talked since then." Soon, the hands were dealt and everyone started looking at their cards. Minako smiled. She had a flush dealt to her. "If they don't get along, why did they let you live with Grandpa in the first place? I mean, even if they really liked your school...if he and your dad hate each other..." "They don't hate each other, they just...don't talk. Now mom and Grandpa, they hate each other. Grandpa thinks she's possessed by a very powerful evil spirit. Everytime they meet, he tries to exorcise her. Well, until the last time." "Why did he stop?" Makoto asked. She examined her hand. Two Aces, a five, a six, and a seven. Should I go for the straight or keep the pair, she wondered. "She brought my uncle on the last visit and had him try to exorcise Grandpa. I suspect he won't try that again." Rei stared at her cards. A pair of fives and a pair of sixes and a ten. "Who won't?" Usagi asked. "Your uncle or your grandpa?" "Either of them. Especially Grandpa. It turned out he's allergic to the incense my uncle used. He was laid up in bed for a week. Uncle Takahito got his hair singed trying to save Grandpa when he passed out. The candles Grandpa had on his head flew across the room and hit Uncle in the head as he and Father tried to save Grandpa from clonking his head on the floor. " Usagi and Minako laughed, then got silent when Rei glared at them. "It's not funny!" Ami nodded, carefully stifling her own instinctive laughter. "You don't think you could convince them your Shinto abilities are real and you need to stay with Grandpa to develop them?" "I can't do anything with my spiritualist powers that'll convince someone too stubborn to accept they are real. Fire readings could be lucky guesses, and I don't exactly keep evil spirits around to demonstrate an exorcism on them. Mom would probably think I was psychic if I did convince her I could really learn things from fire...Not that she believes in psychic powers, but she'd be more likely to buy that than the truth of Shintoism." Rei sighed again. Cards were discarded by some, and new cards dealt to them in silence for a few minutes. Usagi broke the silence saying, "Well, I hope you find some way to deal with this Rei...I just don't have any idea how we can help you. I'm sorry." Rei smiled faintly. "Thanks for trying anyway. I'll figure out something. Don't worry about it." She looked at her new card. Another five. Full house. Well, maybe if I wipe everyone out, I'll feel better... ************************************************ ************************************************ **** Sunday, March 31 Palm Sunday Rei stood in front of the school chapel, her nerves on fire. While the T and A academy was closed for Holy Week, unlike other Japanese schools, chapel services continued. Besides having her parents to worry about, she had an even bigger worry. Usagi had insisted on coming, having become curious as to what a Catholic church service was like. Rei's mind was playing out a thousand different possible ways in which Usagi could embarrass her. At least she's not likely to cry, Rei comforted herself. The students and their families milled about in front of the chapel, waiting for the priest and others to arrive. Several people were busilly passing out palm fronds to the crowd. Usagi took one and turned to Rei, "What's this for?" "Whipping you if you cause trouble." Rei said. Usagi started slightly and Rei laughed. "Palm Sunday commemorates Jesus' triumphal entry to Jerusalem. The crowd that greeted his entry laid down palm fronds on the road and waved them and shouted Hosanna." Usagi nodded, pretending she had any idea what Hosanna meant or why anyone would shout it. She had the feeling that if she asked, she'd just have to ask more questions to understand the answers. As they waited, a woman approached Rei. She was dressed in a sedate blue dress. "Hello, Hino-san. I see you brought a friend?" she asked Rei. "Yes, this is Tsukino Usagi. Usagi, this is Sister Noriko." Rei said. Usagi blinked. This woman looked awfully old to be Rei's sister. "Nice to meet you! I didn't know Rei had a sister. I thought she was an only child." With effort, Rei restrained herself from strangling Usagi. "Sister is the title of a nun in the Catholic Church, Usagi. She's not my sister by blood." "Oh! I was wondering why you looked so old...um, I mean older than Rei." Sister Noriko smiled faintly. "She's one of our finest students. I'd be proud to be part of her family, but I'm not. However, her uncle is around here somewhere..." Rei got big eyes. "He is? But he was supposed to arrive with my parents!" "Well, the bishop sent him a little early so he could help us with this mass. Father Tanaka is sick," Sister Noriko said. She sighed. "He insisted on presiding anyway, but the bishop decided he should have some help. Well, I have to go help with a few things. Nice to meet you, Tsukino-san." She bowed and departed. Usagi smiled. "What's a nun?" "A female monk. I can't remember which order. She's one of the nicer ones. Most of the ones here are pretty strict, especially the older ones." Before Usagi could say anything, the rite began. Usagi did her best to sing along with the song and to understand the reading, which basically told her what Rei had already told her about Jesus' enterance into Jerusalem. She still didn't know what Hosanna meant. During the blessing of the palm fronds, she got a fair amount of holy water in her face, and Rei tried unsuccessfully not to giggle a little. Finally, they moved inside with the crowd and sat down. Usagi sat remarkably quietly and watched all the people and stared at the church, so different from the temples she had seen. In some ways, it looked more like a classroom than a holy place to her. Rows of seats, a table instead of a desk for the person in charge, pictures on the walls. The stained-glass windows especially caught her attention. There were twelve windows, six on each side. They seemed to be telling a story about someone being executed, which seemed sort of grim for a holy place, in Usagi's opinion. Then again, the same guy was also up over the table attached to a cross. What a weird thing to do with a cross, thought Usagi. Taking a jewelry thing and making a really big one and executing someone with it? A few seconds later the realization struck her that she was getting things backwards. I'm wearing something designed to look like a way to kill people...She stared down at the little silver cross she had dug out of her jewelry box. Naru had given it to her for her fifteenth birthday, along with some other jewelry from her mom's store. Usagi had worn it a few times, but she had other, nicer jewelry that she wore more often. She had sort of picked up that Catholics used it as a symbol, so she had worn it today. Now she wasn't so sure that had been a good idea. It's like wearing a gas chamber or a guillotine, she thought...She looked around at all the people. Most of them were students or their families, dressed in nice clothing. They all LOOK normal, she thought...but what kind of people wear a method of killing or use it as a sign? Despite her nervousness, she tried to follow along with what was happening. Rei handed her a missalette, and she was able to follow along, despite not really understanding what she was saying or why. How can Rei remember all this stuff?, she wondered. What were the father, son and holy ghost? What did light from light mean? What did "eternally begotten, not made" mean? What did "apostolic" mean? Why was this Jesus person going to Jerusalem in the first place? Was he the guy up on the wall and in the windows? Why did anyone care? She restrained her impulse to ask Rei questions, seeing that Rei looked very nervous and knowing she'd miss the entire ceremony trying to get all the answers the first five minutes had raised in her mind. She tried to listen to the sermon, but too much of it relied on knowing things she had never learned. She got the vague idea that somehow this Jesus person was the son of a god, or was a god, or something like that. This was a celebration of his triumphal enterance into Jerusalem, a holy city, which she vaguely remembered from geography class was the capital of a nation called Israel, settled by the Jews, whoever they were. Usagi found herself wishing she'd paid more attention in that class instead of writing love letters to Mamoru all the time. She also got the impression that this was all leading up to some other important events, but wasn't quite sure of what. With difficulty, she restrained herself from pestering Rei, hoping the answers would come later. One answer did. During a thing called, "the Eucharistic prayer", the priest said a few things that shocked Usagi. She wasn't quite clear on what the man had said, but it seemed to be something to the effect of this Jesus person telling his followers to eat his body and drink his blood. Maybe I imagined that, Usagi thought. Surely, they're not all cannibals here... "Rei, did that guy really say something about eating people?" Usagi whispered to Rei. Rei sighed and thanked the heavens that Usagi hadn't just freaked out. We re not going to be carving someone up and eating them if that s what you re worried about." Usagi gave a deep sigh of relief. "Whaddya think, we're all cannibals or something?" Rei asked. "Well, you've got this dead guy hanging over the altar and a set of pictures of a guy getting lead off and executed and dying, and..." Usagi began. With effort, Rei avoided screaming. "I'll explain afterward. I never realized you were this completely clueless about all of this...I should have known." Soon, it came time for the Lord's prayer. The rows linked hands. Usagi squeezed Rei's hand tightly as a sign of support and tried to follow along with the unfamiliar words. The crowd seemed to know them by heart. In fact, she noticed that during most of the service, only she and a handful of others had actually needed a missalette, except for songs. Rei smiled faintly back and Usagi and squeezed her hand. The rite progressed onward, and soon it came time for communion. Rei got up to go take Communion and Usagi followed suit. "Stay here, Usagi," Rei whispered. "Why?" "You're not Catholic. You're not supposed to be doing this." "I thought you said the problem with your parents is that you're not Catholic anymore either." Rei flinched. "I have to do this or my uncle will get suspicious!" "Okay. I'll wait here and sing." Rei walked up the aisle, singing the song from memory. It was one of her old favorites, 'A Mighty Fortress is Our God'. He rebelled against the church too, she thought wryly. I wonder if they'll sing a song by me here one day...A pang of guilt ran though her. She quashed it. We had rather different reasons for leaving the church...I've gone a little farther than him....Okay, a lot farther.... Her uncle spotted her and smiled at her as she approached the head of the line. She felt vile, like some sort of slime was seeping into her. I shouldn't be here, she thought. I've rejected all this. I hate living like this. I hate it. His smile was the worst part of all. It made her the bad guy, not them. Rei's uncle held up the communion bread. "This is the body of Christ." She took it and ate it, whispering, "Amen." He smiled and winked at her and she went on to take a sip of communion wine, then returned to her seat. Usagi smiled at her. For a moment, she felt a strong urge to hit Usagi for smiling at her, to hit everyone, to make them stop. If they'd only get angry, I wouldn't feel so guilty, she thought, then stifled the thought as she started to feel more guilty for thinking such a thing. Instead, she sat and listened to Usagi sing. Usagi clearly wasn't going to be winning any awards for singing anytime soon, but then, neither would most of the rest of the congregation. Dozens, maybe hundreds of voices intertwined, lifting up praises to heaven. Slowly, Rei picked up the misalette and joined the singing, losing herself in music for a few precious moments. Her worries and cares slipped away, and there was only the song. Rei had been blessed with a lovely singing voice, and she had trained it since she was little. It had become almost a reflex action, hardly requiring conscious thought. Finally, the music stopped. The world returned. The Mass was almost over. Only a few announcements and the final blessing remained. The congregation sang again, during the ending processional as the altar boys and girls, the deacon, and the two priests walked down the central aisle and out of the church. Rei sat and watched the altar girls go by. There were two of them, one eight, the other seven. One of them smiled at her. I was one of them once, she thought. Hardly anything could make me feel more special... May 13, 1989. The mass was over. Rei pulled off her robes and carefully hung them up on the little hooks in the vestry next to the other robes. She always put her robes on the same hook, unlike everyone else, who always just tossed them on a hook in their hurry to get them off. Rei, on the other hand, liked wearing her robes. She had pestered her parents to get them to let her do this, although it hadn't taken much pestering. "Rei, are you ready yet?" she heard her mother say. She ran out and gave her mother a hug, then hugged her uncle the priest. She wanted to be just like him one day. She wasn't entirely clear on what all was necessary to become a priest, but she knew she had plenty of time. "You did very well, Rei-chan," her uncle said. "You're a fine altar girl." He had come home to visit the family, since he had just finished his stay at his last church and hadn't been sent on to his next station yet. "I wanna be a priest just like you, one day, Uncle Takahito!" Rei said. "Maybe I'll even be Pope!" Her parents laughed. Her uncle just smiled and said, "Maybe you will." None of them had the strength to tell her the truth, that her dream would never come true unless things changed...They didn't. Sunday, May 31, 1996 Palm Sunday continued. For a moment, Rei wondered who she would be, what would have happened if her dream could have come true. She stifled the thought. I don't have time to play what if with myself, she thought. What is, is. I can't fight it, just try to deal with it. Unconsciously, she sighed, then got up and started to move out of the church with the crowd. "Are you going to introduce me to your uncle, Rei?" Usagi asked. "He looks like a nice guy." "Looks can be decieving," Rei mumbled, then brightened up a little. "But he is very nice." Soon, they were outside. The line shuffled past the two priests at the door, individuals pausing to say hello or to chat briefly with the priests. Soon, Rei and Usagi reached them. Father Takahito said, "I bet you were surprised to see me." Rei nodded numbly. "Yeah, just a bit. Sister Noriko sort of gave it away, though. Uncle Takahito, this is my friend Tsukino Usagi. She's not Catholic, just curious." "Nice to meet you! Um...Do you think you could answer a few questions?" "I'd love to. Mind if we go get something to eat? I'm starved." Usagi's eyes lit up. "Me too! Let's go!" Rei soon found herself dragged off to a small cafe, where Usagi proceeded to alternate between dozens of questions and vast quantities of food. Rei began to feel like she was in some sort of weird cross between an all-you-can eat place and a seminary. I wonder if Usagi is actually understanding any of this, she thought. "So do Catholics believe in magic?" Usagi asked. "It depends on how you define magic. We believe in the supernatural, which isn't exactly the same things. We don't believe you can learn to cast spells and the like. On the other hand, we do believe in powers beyond the material world. The power of God manifests itself in miracles, which could be seen as "magical". There are also evil supernatural powers, though none of them is a match for God. Heaven and hell are real places, and demons and Satan are real, though reports of demonic possession are usually viewed skeptically. However, the church has preserved the rites of exorcism for such things. There are priests, monks, and nuns who are dedicated part or full time to investigating reports of supernatural activity, whether it be miracle or other less pleasant manifestations." Father Takahito paused. "I'm a trained exorcist. I've encountered such things on a few occassions." Rei blinked. She'd never heard THAT before. "You've fought monsters?" "I don't dress up in a sailor fuku and blast things if that's what you mean." Father Takahito laughed and didn't quite notice Usagi and Rei were blushing. "Ninety five percent of my cases turn out like with your grandpa, where there were no demons at work, just human beings who can't get along. It's the other five percent where things get dangerous." "Like what?" Usagi asked. I guess doing exorcisms must run in the family, she thought. "Well, there was a widow in Osaka. I'll call her Mrs. Midigori, though that wasn't her real name. Her husband was killed in an accident at the auto-manufacturing plant he worked at..." ************************************************ ************************************************ *** May 1, 1994 .