WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE: In Part One, while on a trip to China, the gang from Tomobiki High School stumbled across the Legendary Training Grounds of Cursed Springs, Jusenkyou. Ataru and Lum both fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl. Shinobu fell into the Spring of Drowned Oni. Thus, a new element of craziness enters their lives. In Part Two, Ryouga Hibiki wanders into Tomobiki and meets them. While helping fight off Toshiba Mitoshi, Truant Officer, he tells them what he knows about the curses. Shinobu is attracted to him and is impressed by his martial prowess. He suggests that she study at the Tendo Dojo. In Part Three, everyone travels to Nerima, where the Dojo is located. The major characters of both casts meet and compare notes. Akane learns a new technique, that of the Distant Touch (tho it's more like punches where she is concerned. :) and uses it to defeat Ranma in a contest of skill. Conceding, Ranma agrees to eat her lunches for a week. Ataru and Lum have a side wager, which forces Ataru to do without other women for a month. In Part Four, Shinobu and Akane arrange to have their resident cross-dressers, Ryunnosuke and Tsubasa, go out on a date, a date which quickly grows to include Shinobu and Ryouga, and Ranma and Akane. To get money for the date, Ranma is forced to borrow from Nabiki, who wants him to arrange a meeting with Mendo in return. Ukyou follows them on their date, hoping that if it goes well, she will not have to deal with Tsubasa any longer. When the paths of the daters cross that of Ataru and Lum, chaos ensues. In Part Five, Nabiki's plans to get a date with Mendo pay off, but the gala turns into the usual disaster as everyone and their cat (Shampoo) shows up and turns the event into a catastrophe (not too suprising), including Tatewaki vs. Mendo in mortal combat, Kodachi vs. Ryoko in verbal combat, and Ataru vs. every female he can glomp. A misencounter between him and Shampoo leads to Lum zapping Shampoo unconscious. And we all know what happens when an 'outsider woman' defeats an Amazon in combat...But for the moment that hasn't exploded, yet. Just about everything else explodes, especially the Furinkan High School Festival, by the end of this episode... And now for our Feature Story. [We see the ususal scene of chaos at Tomobiki High, although it is on the track field instead of the classroom for once. The opening tableux consists of: Ataru glomping Ryuunosuke Ryuunosuke beating Ataru in the head Shinobu shaking her head in disgust The Gang of Four (Megane and his goons) lifting javelins and preparing to hurl them Coach Mitsubo (a fat middle-aged slob who looks like the only sport he is qualified to teach is Olympic TV Watching) getting out of the way because he knows what comes next and has no suicidal impulses (if consuming enough fat and oil to meet the nutritional needs of all of Africa doesn't count) Mendo waving his sword and threatening Ataru A strange looking fishman wearing a bubblehelmet doing the shotput in the background And of course, Lum hovering in the air and preparing to hurl lightning] Lum: Darling! Once again, you GO TOO FAR! Ataru: Hey, I haven't even gotten to third base yet! Ryuunosuke: Because you're FOULING OUT! [elbows him in the head] Lum: DIVINE! [*Splash!* A wave of water washes over her] Ack. [*Thud!* Lum, now transformed into a human, slams into the ground] Owwww!!! [Before anyone can react a purple and blue streak zooms across the field, scoops up Lum, and sprints off towards the school] Megane: A foul beast has kidnapped Lum! We must find the slimeball and DESTROY HIM! Perm: DEATH TO THE INFIDEL! Coach Mitsubo: [staring after the purple and blue streak] The first person who catches whoever did that and brings him or who to me gets an A for this six weeks! I want this person for the track team! Shinobu: [frowning] I think I've seen that person somewhere. Mendo: [draws his sword] Someone has kidnapped Lum! They must DIE! [He charges off with the Gang of Four and the rest of the men in the class] Ataru: [to Ryuunosuke] Looks like it's just you and me, baby! Ryuunosuke: And all the other women in the class. [Ataru looks around and sees Shinobu and the other women in the class closing in, cracking their knuckles in unison] Ataru: [lets go and runs off after the retreating men] Wait for me! I'm the Class President! I declare war! I'm the commander in chief...HELP ME!!!!! [Up in the clock tower, the streak finally stops; it is Shampoo with a bow slung over her shoulder, two bonbori hanging from her belt, and Lum slung over the other shoulder. She quickly whips out some rope (from Amazonspace, perhaps), and ties Lum to the bell clapper] Human Lum: You can't do this to me! Shampoo: Oh yes, Shampoo should do this first. [leans inside the bell and kisses Lum, whose eyes widen] Shampoo hereby gives you the kiss of death. Human Lum: But...but...why? Shampoo: Lum defeated Shampoo in combat, so Amazon law requires Shampoo kill you. Human Lum: That's ridiculous! Shampoo: [busy fiddling with the automatic bell mechanism] More ridiculous than having to conquer the Earth if Ataru hadn't beaten you at tag? Human Lum: That is a long and honorable Oni tradition! Shampoo: Plundering and destroying an entire planet because people who can't fly lose a game of tag with a woman who flies is honorable? Human Lum: [desperately] We would only have enslaved them! Shampoo: Shampoo SO reassured. [steps away from the mechanism] Shampoo give you one minute to pray to your gods. Then Shampoo ring you to death. Human Lum: [hears footsteps on the stairs] If I survive this, I'm going to have your village destroyed! Shampoo: And if your husband didn't look like a monkey, he might get a woman to go out with him. Shampoo thinks your husband is the son of the Monkey King. Shampoo also wonder if his butt turns red when he's in heat. Although even Monkey King isn't in heat all day, every day. Human Lum: [turning red with rage] I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS! [Several dozen men try to charge in the door and get stuck. The doorway shakes] Megane: Lum-chan! I'm coming! Mendo: If I ever get out of this doorway, I'll chop you to bits! Shampoo: [takes a bonbori in each hand] Time for Shampoo to take out the garbage. [She precedes to clobber her way through the entire class. About two minutes later, they're all unconscious] Now, Shampoo will pull lever and... [Ataru charges in and glomps Shampoo] Ataru: What a babe! And...[feels Shampoo's left breast] No bra! My kind of woman! I can see your nipples too through the cloth! Shampoo: [brings down a bonbori with one hand, but Ataru blocks it by catching it from the sides with his hands] What? Ataru: Hey, no need to get violent! I'll be happy to go back to your place with you. Or do you Amazons have to drag your man there by his hair? Shampoo: Amazons KILL men like you! [brings down the other bonbori on his head. He doesn't even notice] ... Human Lum: Darling has the thickest head in the universe. Darling, help me! She's got me tied up. Ataru: [drools] So you're into lesbian bondage? Shampoo: Shampoo never buy bonds from lesbians! Shampoo prefers mutual funds. Ataru: ... Human Lum: ... Shampoo: Shampoo not understand that joke when Nabiki make it either. She feels a little better now. Ataru: [looks over at the lever Shampoo has rigged up] Hey, what does this do? Shampoo: [smiles] It takes off Shampoo's clothing. Human Lum: Darling! She's lying! Ataru: [looks back and forth warily] Hmm. Shampoo: She's right. Actually, it destroys all clothing worn by women in a five mile radius. Ataru: OH YEAH! [pulls the lever. The bell begins to ring. However, Shampoo tied Lum to the wrong side of the clapper, and so it strikes the bell to her right and to her left, but doesn't slam her face forward into the bell. Lum is frazzled, but not injured] Hey! You've still got clothing. Shampoo: Just close your eyes for a few seconds. You're seeing afterimages of Shampoo's clothing from staring at it so hard. Ataru: [closes his eyes] How soon do I open them? Shampoo: [picks up Ataru, carries him to the window, and punts him off into the distance] Use your discretion! [turns back to Lum, only to see Sakura, Shinobu, Ryuunosuke, and fifteen angry schoolgirls armed with javelins and shotputs] ... Shinobu: If you'd just beaten up Ataru, we wouldn't mind, but I'm afraid women have to stick together. Shampoo: Shampoo understands completely. Shampoo not want to give you all kiss of death, so Shampoo will leave now. Human Lum: GET ME OUT OF HERE! Shampoo: [runs to the window, leaps out, and streaks off across the school grounds] Shampoo going to need help for this one. [Shinobu wrecks the bell mechanism; Sakura unties Lum and pours hot water on her] Lum: This means WAR!!!!!! *************** Because Sean Gaffney Demanded It, We Proudly Present: Part 6: "ID6: Insanity Day" Still Waters Run Deep A UY/Ranma fanfic using material from the wonderfully warped mind of Takahashi Rumiko. This episode also draws upon the equally warped mind of Phil Foglio. by John Biles "Questions of Love" by John Biles the UY/Ranma Theme song... Lum: Why do you flee from my love? I only want to give it to you. Life is too short to live it alone Why be one and one when we can be two? Ataru: Why do I run from your love? I wish I had an answer for you. The secrets of my heart are my own. Maybe one day, we two ones shall be two. Akane: Why do we do what we do? Why do we say what we say? Why are we always so cruel to each other? Why do we fight every day? Ranma: I know why we do what we do, The reason that we say what we say. As long as we hide what we really feel, We may go on forever this way. All: Why do we hide from love? Why can't I say I love you? We may go on fighting each other Until the day one and one become two. **************************** [We see Lum kneeling before her father, Invader] Lum: Can I borrow the Death Star, pretty please? Invader: No. Lum: But this Amazon woman insulted me! Invader: I won't vaporize an entire planet just to kill one person. Lum: I wasn't going to blow up the entire planet! Just a little pinpoint targeting and... Invader: [laughs] Using the Death Star on one person is like trying to kill just one fly with an atom bomb. The shots are a mile wide, you know. Lum: I don't mind if it takes out the entire Amazon village. Invader: Usually resulting in the planet cracking open and everyone on it dying horribly. Lum: What's a few... Invader: Such as your husband to be. And all your friends there. Lum: [jumps up and down] I can't let her get away with this! Invader: [sighs] Just challenge her to a duel. Lum: That's no fun. Invader: We said we wouldn't make war on that planet. So we won't. And that's that. Lum: [turns to go] Okay. [sighs] Invader: And if I find even ONE Nega-Bomb missing... Lum: [looking innocent] Who, me? Invader: Don't even think about it. Lum: Okay, Dad. [walks off grumbling] ************ [It's a typical day at the Tendo Dojo. Soun is working with Shinobu, teaching her a kata, while Akane is breaking books. Ranma and Ryouga are sparring in a steel cage] Ranma: [complaining] How are we supposed to move around and fight creatively in a steel cage? I can't knock Ryouga through the walls or nothing. Akane: Now you get the idea. [grins and pokes Ranma from a distance. He yelps] Doesn't stop the Distance Touch, though. Ranma: Cheater! [looks over at the books] Ran out of bricks? Akane: I needed something tougher but not very valuable. So I plucked these copies of 'Dianetics' out of a garbage dump. [pages through one of them] Page 54--What to do when you stuff a weasel up your nose. [laughs, puts it down] Ryouga: ... Soun: Actually, the bit about weasels is on page 83. [Everyone stares at him; he blushes] Not that I bought five copies just to get the salesman to go away or anything. And I only bought ten copies of the Watchtower. [everyone still stares] Hey, I turned down the guy selling napkins used by Elvis! [goes in the corner and pouts] [The wall suddenly crashes open and a battered, bandage covered Shampoo falls to the ground. She begins to crawl towards Ranma, smoke rising from her body] Shampoo: Ranma...help Shampoo... Ranma: [tries to run over, crashes into the cage walls and falls down] What happened to you, Shampoo? Shinobu: [frowns] Looks like Lum got even for the belltower incident. Soun: What, Shampoo was the one who shot all those people? [Everyone stares at him and he goes and pouts again] Shinobu: Shampoo gave Lum the kiss of death for zapping her at Mendo's party. Ranma: [sighs] Great. Now, she's gonna try and kill Lum. Ryouga: Looks like Lum can take care of herself. Akane: [who has run over to Shampoo and helps her up] You could give her a little sympathy, you know! She looks pretty hurt! Shampoo: [blinks] Thank you, Tomboy. Shampoo get zapped fifty times, then Lum throw Shampoo down a well. Mousse drag Shampoo out, but then Lum put Mousse-duck in cage. She say Mousse-duck go well with broccoli and womdrej. Then Ten breathe fire on wet Shampoo-kitty, turn Shampoo back to normal with steambath, but now Shampoo on fire. Shampoo stop, drop, roll, and scream. Shampoo run 'til Shampoo get here. Akane: [eyes widen] That's awful! Shinobu: Onis wreck horrible vengeances on people. But all that...just for tying Lum to the bell clapper and ringing the bell...I mean, I like horrible vengeance myself, but there is such a thing as overdoing it. Ranma: Like Ryouga does all the time. [winces for the anticipated blow, but nothing happens] Ryouga? [turns and looks, but Ryouga is gone] Geez. [Far away, we see a wrestling ring, surrounded by thousands of fans] Announcer: And tonight, it's going to be a CAGE match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and...wait, that's not the Undertaker! Someone's slipped in a ringer! [Spotlight focuses on the cage, a good ten feet in the air over the arena. Stone Cold Steve Austin, a huge bald man, stands in one end of the cage, while a confused looking Ryouga stands on the other side as it sways] Stone Cold Steve Austin: So the Undertaker's too cowardly to face me, eh? Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to cite my favorite verse... Ryouga: Hey, this isn't the bathroom! ************ [We see Shampoo hobbling around the Nekohanten. Ranma-chan is helping her serve tables] Shampoo: Thank you, airen. Ranma-chan: No problem. I had to carry you home anyway. Even though I wish the old bag hadn't put me in this stupid waitress outfit, but... [The entry curtain parts and Ran walks in. She is short with wavy red hair, wearing a nice green dress] Ran: [looks around and spots Shampoo] Ah, there you are! [runs over to her] I understand you have a problem with Lum. Shampoo: Shampoo give Lum kiss of death, but Lum nearly give Shampoo zap of death. Ran: [smiles] I think we have something in common...we both want to kill Lum. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Ranma-chan: [thinking] I gotta baaaad feeling about this. ************ [We see Ranma-chan and Akane in a pet store. Ranma- chan is still in the waitress outfit] Ranma-chan: I think Shampoo and Ran are going to do something crazy. Akane: [shrugs] If it keeps them out of my hair, then they can do all the crazy stuff they want. Ranma-chan: Why are we here, anyway? You already got a pet pig. One stupid, rude, violent pet is enough. Akane: [as she looks at a row of cages with dogs and cats] You shouldn't talk about yourself like that. Ranma-chan: WHAT? Akane: One stupid, rude, violent pet, namely you. One lazy and worthless one, namely your father. And then there's P-chan, but he runs off so much I decided to get one who wouldn't do that. Ranma-chan: I am not stupid, rude, and violent! You're the rude, ugly tomboy! Akane: [too focused to notice] Whatever. Ranma-chan: What do you mean WHATEVER? Pay attention when I'm... Voice from a cage: Hi! [tail waggling noises can be heard] Akane: [looks down at the cage. It contains a green lizard like creature with a huge snout, stubby legs, big eyes, and a pleasant smile] Oooh, this thing is cute. I wonder what it is. Shopkeeper: [the man from the Phoenix Egg story] It's the Winslow. Ranma-chan: [sighs] Not you again. This ain't like the Phoenix Egg, is it? Shopkeeper: No. If you put it on your head, it will eventually fall off, but that's all. It's stupid, and it serves no purpose, but it can mimic voices like a parrot, it's friendly, and it doesn't eat much. Also, it's worshipped by thousands of alien races. And it's only 500 yen. Ranma: But does it turn into a huge angry bird if you put it on your head? Shopkeeper: Why would you put it on your head? Ranma: Just wanted to be sure. Shopkeeper: It's a LIZARD. Lizards don't turn into birds. Not in one generation. Akane: [kneels by the cage] Hi there! Winslow: [waggles its tail] Hi there! Akane: [smiles] It's cute! Winslow: Cute! Ranma-chan: This thing is gonna be trouble. Akane: You're just jealous because it likes me, Ranma. Ranma-chan: It just repeats what you say to it. Akane: [stands up] I'll buy it. Ranma-chan: [kneels and stares at it, whispers] If you turn out to be someone I know, I'm going to kill you. Winslow: [waggles its tail and grins moronically] Kill you! Akane: Ranma, stop threatening it! Ranma-chan: Hey, I didn't say nothing! Akane: Ranma no baka! Winslow: [loudly] Ranma no baka! Akane: I think I'm going to like you. ************ [Dinner time at the Moroboshi household. Everyone is wolfing down rice and pickled vegetables with fish slivers] Ten: This is great! Mrs. Moroboshi: [blushes] Thank you, Ten. Lum: I'd like some more, please. [holds out her bowl] [As Mrs. Moroboshi goes to the kitchen, we see the floor carpet bulge in several places. By the time she is back, the floor is seething like the surface of a waterbed that has been struck] Lum: Hey, what's... Ataru: Ahh, it's FREDDY! HE'S GOING TO BURST UP THROUGH THE FLOOR!!!! Mr. Moroboshi: [reading the newspaper] Tell him I said hello. Ten: Cool. I bet he kills the people who can't fly first. [The carpet ruptures. It isn't Freddy; it's a mutant cross breeding of kudzu with green beans, pinto beans, lima beans, army beans, navy beans, merchant marine beans, old beans, Rowan Atkinson, and whatever the stuff on a chia pet is. In seconds, tendrils of kudzu, laden with beans, shoot out, entangling everyone in the house. The two onis begin to scream.] Lum: No! BEANS!!! BEANS!!! BEANS!!! Mrs. Moroboshi: We get the idea, dear. [begins harvesting beans and hauling them to the kitchen] Best we make good use of this. Ten: [desperately trying to fend off tendrils trying to grow up his nose] Help me, Lum-chan! Ataru: [grabs all the food on the table] Mine! Lum: Save me, darling! Ataru: It's only beans. I mean, sure, they might give you gas, but... Lum: Beans are to Onis as Kryptonite is to Superman! Ataru: Been studying for the SATs? Ten: She means that beans will weaken and eventually KILL us! Ataru: I knew that. If you weren't a brat, it might actually bother me. [shrugs and goes back to his food as best he can while bean vines envelop him] Lum: DARLING! Ataru: Oh wait, Lum's here. [throws a glass of water at her. Somehow it passes through the haze of beans and splashes her. She assumes her human form] There you go. Now you won't die. Lum: [thinking] I never thought I'd be glad for this curse. Ten: What about me? [Ataru throws a glass of water on him too] Ten: But I don't turn into a human! Ataru: [sarcastically] Oops. Ten: I'll just breathe fire! [tries to breathe fire, but nothing comes out] No! I've lost my fire power from the beans...and now...getting ..weaker...getting... Ataru: Getting stupider? Didn't think that could happen. Mrs. Moroboshi: [starts slicing her way through to Ten with her butcher knife] Ataru, do something! Ataru: [pulls Lum down to the table] There. I did something. You okay? Human Lum: You saved me, darling! [hugs him] Ten: Getting...getting...[a tendril grabs his diaper] A WEDGIE! ACK! [breathes fire and all the beans catch on fire. So does the house] Maybe I just had something in my throat. ************ [We see Ran's spaceship over the flaming wreckage of the Moroboshi house. Ran and Shampoo are eating ice cream] Ran: See. Now THAT is vengeance. Shampoo: [pins a button of a tiny nuclear cloud on Ran's dress] Shampoo give you Amazon medal of honor for horrible vengeance. Shampoo impressed. Ran: And we finished in time for Days of Our Lives! ********** [We see Akane feeding the Winslow (now wearing a collar and a dog tag that says 'Winnie') some sort of sauce, meat, and noodle thing from a small pot with a spoon] Akane: Here's some food for Mommy's little angel. "Winnie" (The Winslow): [gulps it down] Angel. Akane: [smiles] You're so sweet. Ranma: [nearby, having apparently gotten some hot water] I'm going to have a sugar overdose and die. It's just repeating the last thing you say! Akane: You're just jealous, Ranma. Winnie: [waggles its tail and smiles at Ranma] Jealous Ranma! Ranma: [clenches his fists] Shut up! I'm not jealous! Kasumi: [sticks her head in the door] Akane, can you come clean up this mess you made? I'm going to go shopping, and then I need to make dinner, but it looks like you had a fight with the food and it won in here. Akane: [hands Ranma the pot] Here, finish feeding Winnie. I'll go clean. [departs] Ranma: [kneeling down to spoon 'food' into the creature's mouth] I can't believe she likes this stupid thing. Winnie: Jealous Ranma! [smiles and gulps down the food] Ranma: Are you trying to annoy me? Winnie: [licks Ranma's hand] Annoy me? Ranma: [sighs] Hopefully, this won't kill you, or Akane will blame me. [starts feeding it again] Winnie: Nihao! [munches on the food] Ranma: [frowns] You're not Shampoo in disguise, are you? [thinking] I can't believe I even asked that. This thing must be driving me mad. Winnie: Nihao! [eats the spoon as Ranma leaves it in his mouth while staring at him] Ranma: Maybe it's part Furby. ********** [We see the Mendo mansion. Mendo is watching a TV monitor of the ashes of the Moroboshi house] Mendo: [on the phone] Thanks for the satellite link. Yes, this is good news. Thanks. [hangs up the phone and begins singing, 'Burning Down the House'] Ryoko: [from the doorway] So you did that? Mendo: Just gloating. Ryoko: [shakes her head] Taking pleasure from human suffering. How typical of you. Mendo: [frowns] Typical of ME? Ryoko: Hmm. Lum lives there. I suppose she could have been horribly burned to death. Mendo: ... Ryoko: Yes, I suppose as her spirit watches us now, she must be wondering why you are rejoicing in her horrible death. Perhaps one day, she will understand and then she will claw her way out of her grave to... Mendo: I must avenge Lum's death! [pauses] If I had any idea who did it. Ryoko: One of our scout planes reported this ship in the air over the house just before the fire... [holds up a picture of Ran's space ship] And earlier, they took this picture. [A closeup of Shampoo getting into Ran's ship] The great-granddaughter of one of the High Matriarchs of the Amazons. My, looks like Lum's been assassinated in a diplomatic incident. Mendo: [beginning to smoulder] No! Lum-chan can't be dead! I will avenge her! [grabs the phone and shouts into it] Mobilize the bombers! [pause] They hung up on me! Ryoko: You might want to try dialing a number first. Mendo: [dials a phone number] Bomber corps #2? I want you to level the village of the Amazons! [pause] How am I supposed to know? That's YOUR job! Ryoko: It's in China. Mendo: It's in China. [pause] I know it's a big country! [turns to Ryoko] Where in China? [Ryoko hands him a map] Okay, here it is... Ryoko: Well, this should keep things interesting for a while. ********** [It's a quiet morning at the Amazon village. The town bustles with people going about there business. Two small children, Lotion and Ceramic Cow, are busy fighting over 'Lady Death Barbie' and 'Evil Ernie Ken' dolls] Lotion: [looks up] Hey, it's a bird! Ceramic Cow: [shakes her head] It's a plane. Lotion: It's SUPERMAN! Ceramic Cow: [shakes her head] You're stupid. It's a plane. In fact, it's a lot of planes. We'd better tell the elders! [They run to find the elders.] *********** [We see Mendo in the Mendo family War Center, a huge underground bunker with huge radar screens and a giant holographic map of the world, showing the positions of the units of the Mendo Family Army. Mendo is dressed in a JSDF uniform, as are the Gang of Four (Megane and company). Ataru sits nearby, as does Lum and Ten and Shinobu] Ataru: [puts his hand through the holograph] Can you reprogram this to show where the best babes are? Mendo: No! And don't touch it! You'll break it! Ataru: Even I can't break a hologram. It's just light. It would be like breaking a flashlight by having it shine on you. Ten: [circling the globe slowly] You have broken a few mirrors by gazing into them, though. Ataru: [storms over] I have not! Shinobu: [looking at the globe with Lum] So these dots are the air force you sent to China? Mendo: Yes. Lum: How did you get the Chinese government to okay this? Mendo: [sweatdrops] Umm... Megane: [points at a swarm of blue dots heading towards Mendo's red dots] What's this? Auxillaries? Mendo: Uhh...yes. Of course. [The dots meet, and the red dots start to vanish, probably because there are twice as many blue dots, and more closing in] Ataru: Hmm. Is this part of the plan? Lum: [sighs] This doesn't happen often, does it? Mendo: Of course not! [The phone rings. Ataru answers it] Ataru: Mendo Warfare Headquarters. Unprovoked aggression is our business. Can I help you? Mendo: [runs over] HEY! Ataru: It's...I can't say his name right, but he sounds Chinese. And unhappy. Mendo: [takes the phone] Our planes? They were...lost. It was a routine training mission, and they were blown off course. [pause] They were attacked by El Nino and ran for their lives. [pause] No, my nose is NOT growing larger. Lum: [sighs] I think I need to try a more personal approach. Ataru: Make Shampoo do a strip-tease for me! Shinobu: [sighs] You never change. Lum: I'll just do it my way. Shinobu: Go to her store and zap her? Lum: [laughs] Tried and true is best. *********** [We see Shampoo happily waiting on tables at the Nekohanten. A young couple, Mr. and Ms. Wombat, are trying to order] Mr. Wombat: I'd like a Big Mac and an order of fries. Shampoo: This is Nekohanten, not McDonalds. Ms. Wombat: Oh. We'd like some baked cat with a side order of fries, then. Shampoo: [gets big eyes] BAKED CAT? That would be cannibalism! Mr. Wombat: [blinks] We're not cats. Doesn't everyone in Tibet eat cats? Shampoo: Does Shampoo look like the Lalai Dama? Cologne: [pops up] Dalai Lama. They don't eat cats in Tibet. And this is a CHINESE restaurant. Mr. Wombat: Can we have Peking Duck, then? Mousse: [charges with a sword] INHUMAN MONSTERS! Cologne: [sideswipes him with her staff, sending him flying] Sorry about that. One Peking Duck coming right up. [There is a very loud humming noise coming from outside] Ms. Wombat: [looks up] I think your airconditioning needs work. Cologne: [sighs, hops up on her staff] Attention, honored customers. Please evacuate to our bomb shelter. An alien craft is about to vaporize our building. There is no cause for alarm. [Mass panic erupts, with diners running everywhere, except for one man who starts eating all the abandoned food] Shampoo: Is Great-Grandmother sure it's not just the airconditioning? Cologne: Great-Grandmother would rather not take any... [**ZZZZAAAAPP!!!!!** The Nekohanten is reduced to a fine mist by a green energy beam, which while leaving all the humans unharmed, destroys everything that isn't alive, such as Shampoo and Cologne's clothing] Mr. Wombat: You don't do this every time someone asks for the duck, do you? Cologne: You really need to finish off that alien, Great- Granddaughter. Ataru: [pops out of the rubble] I came to warn you, Shampoo, but I see I got here just in time! [leaps at Shampoo, who kicks him in the face] Shampoo: Tell Ugly Oni Hag that Shampoo WILL FINISH HER OFF! Ataru: Just let me finish first [slips past her foot, only to have her do a backflip and punt him into orbit] Yeesh, you call this gratitude? [thinking] Although seeing her naked was a worthy reward. *********** [We see Ataru out jogging, cruising for babes] Ataru: [pulls up along side another jogger, who is tall and blonde, and may or may not be male] Hey, baby! Jogger: [blinks] What? Ataru: You're cute! Got any plans for tonight? Jogger: You can tell I'm a woman? Ataru: I've got an infallible sense! You could turn a woman into a turnip and I'd be able to tell. Cross- dressing can't fool me. I can tell a guy in drag in seconds too. Jogger: [nods] I know someone like that. Well, have a nice day. [turns to jog off] Ataru: Hey, what about that date? Jogger: Sorry, I prefer women. Ataru: Me too! [runs after her] We've got something in common! Jogger: Now I'm going to have nightmares. [casually punts Ataru into the sky. He comes crashing down into a dumpster far away] Ataru: [clambers out] Bleah. Shampoo: [in a pink dress] There you are, Mr. Darling! [thinking] Japanese people have stupid names. Ataru: [warily] What? Shampoo: Shampoo has come to date with Mr. Darling! Ataru: [blinks] What? Shampoo: [glomps onto him] Shampoo take you to nice restaurant and then movie, then make out on rooftop, okay? Ataru: [looks around, then pinches himself] Is this real? Shampoo: [nods] Shampoo desperate for your body. [thinking] Desperate to break it, anyway. Ataru: Let's go! This is gonna be a lot of fun! [takes Shampoo's hand] Shampoo: [nods] Much fun. [thinking] For me. ************ [We see Ataru tied to a bed in Ran's spaceship] Ataru: Wow, I've never tried bondage before. [pauses] Please tell me you haven't been reading 'Gerald's Game'. Shampoo: Shampoo promise. Ran: And now for the kiss. Shampoo: Ran have weird taste in men. [drags Ran off] First you send ultimatum to Lum. Ran: Right. I can suck out his youth while you fight Lum. Shampoo: You can suck out his tonsils too, for all Shampoo cares. Now make phoney call. *********** [We see Akane and Ranma out walking the Winslow] Ranma: It's not a dog. You don't have to walk it. In fact, with those stubby legs, we're still only two blocks from home after half an hour. We could probably crawl and outrace it. Akane: [gets down and pets it] You ignore Ranma, Winnie. Ranma's just a meanie. Winnie: Meanie! [wanders over and rubs against Ranma's leg] Hi! Akane: See? Winnie likes you. Why can't you like him? Ranma: He's gonna be trouble. I know trouble when I see it. Akane: [stands up and frowns] You are being such a pessimist today! [Shinobu-Oni flies up] Akane: Hello. Ranma: Hey, Shinobu. Winnie: $%$@&*! Ranma: What the heck did it just say? Shinobu-Oni: It said hi. [blinks and flies down to it] What a cute little alligator! And it talks? Winnie: [waggles his tail and rubs his nose against her hand] Ranma no baka! Shinobu-Oni: [laughs] It's smart, too. Ranma: HEY! Shinobu-Oni: Anyone seen Ryouga? Ranma: I was looking at our cable guide and it looks like he'll be appearing on pay-per-view wrestling against the Undertaker tomorrow. At least I know why he ran out on our cage match. Shinobu-Oni: [frowns] Ran kidnappped Ataru again. Ranma: This happens often? Shinobu-Oni: At least once a week, but...she did it to force Lum to have a duel to the death with Shampoo. Ranma: [big eyes] WHAT? Akane: [rolls her eyes] Shampoo talks about killing, but she never does. This war of theirs is getting out of hand, though. Shinobu-Oni: Well, at least Mendo won't lose another bomber fleet over this, but...anyway. I was going to get Ryouga and break it up. Ranma: You can take me. I don't wanna marry Shampoo, but...well, she's done some good stuff for me and all. And Lum might really kill her. Shinobu-Oni: [narrows her eyes] If you make some crack about Onis... Ranma: Take me with you. I'll break it up. And I'm sick of this stupid lizard, anyway. Shinobu-Oni: I think he's cute. What's his name? Akane: Winnie. Shinobu-Oni: [hefts Ranma] Let's go, baka boy. Ranma: HEY! Winnie: Bye! ********** [We see Shampoo and Lum on top of Ran's saucer. Ten lurks nearby, watching. Lum is in full Oni battle armor, which is only marginally less revealing than her usual clothing. Shampoo is wearing a black leather catsuit and carrying two bonbori] Shampoo: Ugly Oni Hag ready to die? Lum: Stupid Illiterate Barbarian ready to die? Ten: It's not worth fighting to the death over that idiot Ataru, Lum-chan. Lum: It's not worth living without him. Ten: [sighs] Let the battle be joined! Lum: DIVINE RETRIBUTION! [unleashes a massive blast of lighting at Shampoo] Shampoo: [laughs] Shampoo borrow insulated suit from Ran. Now Shampoo crush you! [charges at Lum, slamming into her and battering her repeatedly with bonbori. Lum is driven back, simply taking the blows and glaring at her. Soon, she has Lum on the edge of the ship] Now, Lum falls to her death! Ten: But she... Lum: [hisses] I'm not afraid! Come at me! [Shampoo charges berserkly, and Lum sidesteps. Shampoo runs right off the edge of the ship] Shampoo: You won't get away so... [looks down] Erk. [gravity kicks in and she plummets like a rock] Ten: Did you plan that? Lum: I wouldn't have thought she'd make such a stupid mistake, but... [shrugs] Let's rescue Darling! ************** [We see Shampoo plummeting towards the Earth far below] Shampoo: Shampoo wish she had studied Martial Not Falling To One's Death. [A blur streaks by, and something nearly pulls her arms off. It is Shinobu-oni, carrying Ranma. Ranma has grabbed onto Shampoo and saved her from falling] Ranma: You okay? Shampoo: Ranma-groom save Shampoo! Ranma does love Shampoo! Shinobu-Oni: [visibly straining] We've got two problems. Ranma: What? Shinobu-Oni: I don't think I'm strong enough to carry both of you. Shampoo: What other problem? Shinobu-Oni: Ran's levelling an energy cannon at us. I'd point, but you'd fall. Shampoo: Shampoo die with Ranma-groom! How romantic! Ranma: Bleah. I think we'll do plan 2. Shampoo: What's that? Ranma: I throw you at Ran's ship. Shinobu-Oni: [starting to lose altitude] How are you going to get any... [Ranma twists around, hurling Shampoo, bonbori first, at the underside of Ran's ship. In the process, however, he imparts a lot of rotary motion to himself and Shinobu- oni, and the two of them go spinning off, tumbling uncontrollably] Ranma: Hey! Don't do that! Shinobu-Oni: ...leverage...aaaaaaaa!!!!!! ********* [We see Ten fry open a hole in the roof of Ran's ship. Lum drops in, just in time to see Ran sitting on the edge of the bed where Ataru is] Ran: [cackles] It's too late! VENGEANCE IS MINE! Old-Ataru: [now aged to about eighty years old with a eight foot long white beard and bald on top] It was worth it for the kiss. Lum: No! You've stolen Darling's youth! Old-Ataru: [glomps Ran feebly] Kiss me again! Ran: Get back or I'll do it! And this time, he won't survive it! Ten: [flies over to the control panel] Even though I want Ataru to die, I want to do it myself! So if you try, I'll fry your control panel and you'll plunge to your death! Lum: I can't believe you did this, Ran! This was me and Shampoo's fight! Ran: [cackles maniacally, her face hideously distorted] You've ruined my life! Now I've ruined yours! FINALLY! Lum: RAN! Ran: [turns to kiss Ataru, but suddenly there is a huge thump and Shampoo explodes up through the floor, crashing into Ran, knocking her down] Hey! Which side are you on? Shampoo: Ahah! There you are! [charges at Lum, who sidesteps again, and she ends up in front of Ten] Go ahead! Try and zap Shampoo! [Ten breathes fire on her. She becomes black and crispy] Iya. [Thunk. She passes out] Ran: Now I will...[Lum leaps on her and they roll around on the floor, pulling each other's hair] Lum: I can't believe you're betraying our friendship like this! Old-Ataru: [waggles a finger] Now stop that before someone gets an eye poked out. [tries to stand, but can't] Feels like another attack of rheumatism coming on. Ran: You stole my Rei! Lum: YOU CAN HAVE HIM! [There is a loud thump, and the whole ship shakes] Ten: [checking the controls] Something just docked with us! Lum: [thinking] Not Rei. Please not Rei. [The hatch pops open and Rei, in Tiger-Cow form, charges in] TC Rei: LUM! [runs over and hugs her, squashing both her and Ran, and trampling Shampoo] Ran: [thinking] He...he's hugging me! I'm in heaven! Shampoo: [peels herself off the floor] That really hurt. [wobbles and passes out] Ten: Hmmm. [goes and gets a glass of water and dumps it on Ataru, who assumes his girl form....which is still young] Ataru-chan: Hey, I feel great! I feel...[looks down at himself] Was that water of youth or something? Ten: [watching Ran and Lum get asphyxiated] We have to save Lum-chan! Ataru-chan: [thinks a moment, then runs into the saucer's kitchen. Soon, she returns with a rather wretched looking bowl of noodles and pickled vegetables] Hey, Rei! TC Rei: [turns and sees the food] FOOD! [charges Ataru- chan, who is standing by the wall. Ataru-chan pops the nearby hatch open and holds the food in front of it. Rei grabs the food and his momentum carries him right out the door] FOOD! [starts eating] Ataru-chan: [runs over to Lum and Ran] Are you okay? Lum: [clutches him] Darling, you got your youth back! Ran: [boggles] But that's not possible. That's...hey, that's not Ataru! Ataru is a guy! Ataru-chan: I most certainly AM Ataru. Ten: Ataru was always a woman. Usually, she just crossdresses. Ran: I KISSED A WOMAN? AAAAAAA!!!!!! [runs off into the saucer bedroom and hides in the closet] Lum: Let's go home. And plan our revenge. *********** [Outside the saucer, we see Shinobu-oni and Ranma have finally resumed a position of stability, and are flying towards the saucer] Ranma: Sorry about that. Shinobu-oni: [far too sweetly] No problem. I certainly didn't nearly throw up from that. Ranma: Hey, I said I was sorry! [They see Rei, still in tiger-cow form, plummeting towards them. Shinobu-oni zooms over to catch him] Ranma: WHAT is that? Shinobu-oni: That's Rei, Lum's old boyfriend/fiancee sort of thing. He's an oni, but when he panics, he gets like that. Normally, he's REALLY cute. Ranma: I don't think you're gonna be able to carry him and me at the same time if you were too weak to carry Shampoo and me. Shinobu-oni: Good point. [lets go of Ranma] Ranma: [as he plummets] HEY! Shinobu-oni: Sorry about that. The ocean down there should break your fall. [catches Rei as Ranma plunges into the ocean below] *********** [We see Lum showing home movies of her recent disasters to her father, Invader] Lum: See, daddy? We've got to do something about this. She won't stop until I'm dead. Invader: [sighs] I suppose I'll have to apply a few threats to try to get them to hand her over to us for a trial then. [stands] Rally the invasion fleets! *********** [We see a dripping wet Ranma-chan drudge into the Tendo house. Nabiki is doing homework, and Akane is petting the Winslow] Nabiki: Enjoy your swim? Ranma-chan: [frowning] I am never helping anyone ever again. Next time, Shampoo and Lum can just murder each other and leave me out of it. Akane: That's what you get for running off to save the Chinese bimbo. [pets the Winslow] You think Shampoo's a big dummy, right, Winnie? Winnie: Guten Tag! [waggles his tail and smiles moronically at Ranma] Nabiki: Next time, get a contract and make them pay in advance. Hmmm. [looks at Ranma assessingly] Ranma-chan: What 'cha looking at me like that for, Nabiki? Nabiki: HEY, KASUMI? Kasumi: [comes in] Yes, Nabiki? Nabiki: Where's that costume you wore for Halloween back when you were a sophmore? Kasumi: [blushes] That one? Ranma-chan: [thinking] I've got a REALLY bad feeling about this. *********** [We see the Amazon Council of Elders in full session] Boxtop: [suspiciously resembles a Fraggle] We must flee! We can't fight an invasion fleet unless we can find some way onto their ships. Cowcatcher: [a behemoth of a woman. Most of the Matriarchs are shrunken and look like Cologne; if she shrank, she must have been the size of a small house, as she would still make a good sumo] We should be able to challenge them to tag. Assuming they aren't just passing through. Eyeliner: [though tiny like most of the others, and old, she looks more human than most of the Amazon elders, more like a shrunken human than a troll doll] We may have to use our ultimate weapon for dealing with aliens. Spoon: [a fairly average elder. She looks like a blue-grey haired troll doll with staff accessory] But then they'll know we'll have it! Half the aliens in the galaxy will come looking for the thing, and the rest will try to blow up this entire solar system trying to get rid of it. Teacup: [another normal looking elder with bright violet eyes, dressed as a geisha for no discernable reason. She is kneeling, unlike the others, who either sit or perch on their staffs] Perhaps we can trade it to them for peace. Then their entire civilization will self-destruct and they'll never bother us. But we'd have to let them know we have it. Cowcatcher: Well, my daughter still has her shortwave radio. We can try to contact the fleet. Hopefully, they'll call on us to surrender and not just come in shooting. Booming Voice from the Sky: HAND OVER THE CRIMINAL SHAMPOO OR BE DESTROYED! Eyeliner: Here's where we find out. *********** [We see an exterior shot of dozens of oni ships, most of them classic flying saucers painted with tiger stripes, floating over the Amazon village. Cut to the interior, where Invader is confronting Eyeliner, Cowcatcher, and Teacup] Invader: One of your people tried to KILL my daughter! I demand you hand over Shampoo for judgement! Eyeliner: [hands him a bottle of shampoo] There you go. Invader: [stares at it] You know, I may be big, and I'm no genius, but I'm not THAT stupid. Cowcatcher: I TOLD you it wouldn't work. Eyeliner: Can I have it back, then? [Invader opens it and starts drinking it] Invader: Hmm. Tastes like a '54 Altair. I think I'll keep it. Teacup: If you are willing to drop the charges, I am authorized to offer you something which our nation has possessed for five hundred years. Invader: I cannot be bought! Teacup: [sidles over to him, still on her knees, then hooks his ear with her staff, pulling it down to her mouth level, which basically knocks him down. She then whispers into it. Afterwards, she speaks] So what do you think? Invader: You would trade THAT for me simply not pressing charges against Shampoo? Teacup: And promising to never destroy the Amazon Village with an attack fleet or any Oni ship. Cowcatcher: And throw in a set of snazzy threads like you're wearing. I like your taste in clothing. Invader: Done! Bring it to me and I will make the treaty. Eyeliner: If you will send me down to the village, I will get it. Teacup: Don't forget to pull the green lever. Eyeliner: [waves her hands dismissingly] I never forget that. ********** [We see Eyeliner go down a staircase, leap over a pit trap which opens at the bottom when she reaches the fifth step up from the bottom, swing on a vine over another pit, dodge fifty poison darts, knock out four Amazon guards with one blow, then crawl through a doorway only six inches tall] Eyeliner: Hmm. I suppose I could have just told the guards to get out of the way...well, it doesn't matter now. Let's see where Fingerpuzzle put the last trap this week... [She looks around. It's pitch dark] Eyeliner: Need light. [She pulls out a cigarette lighter and flicks it. The walls are crawling with snakes] Not bad. [The light flickers out, and much slithering takes place] Not good either. ********** [Battered and bruised, with one snake still trying to bite through her boots and three more braided into a necklace around her throat, Eyeliner is standing in front of a huge stone door. There are three levers. The one on the left is blue. The one on the right is yellow. The one in the middle is green] Eyeliner: [flicks her bic again to get more light] Okay, this week, we pull the...the... [shakes her head] I can't remember anything these days after a good fight. Must be finally getting old. Let's see. Amazon rule #45 is 'Never pull the blue lever'. And no good Amazon likes to be yellow, so it must be...hmm. But what if she made it the yellow one to psych me out...I'll just pull one at random. [movies her finger to the rythym] Eenie, meanie, minie, moe, pull a kuomintang member by the toe, if he hollers, make him move to Taiwan...[her finger points at the blue lever] Can't be right. Never pull the blue lever. Ever. So it must be...the Green one. [She pulls the green lever, and the door grinds open. Beyond is a small plush chamber with a nice soft bed of cushions, and feeding and water bowls. There is a small hole in the floor by the back wall, just tall enough for a very ground hugging creature, such as a snake, to get out through. It looks like it was chewed in the wall. Somehow. Even though it is stone] Eyeliner: IT'S GONE! The blasted thing finally escaped! *********** [Up on Invader's ship] Eyeliner: I'm afraid it chewed a hole in the wall and escaped. Cowcatcher: IT WHAT? Invader: [sighs] The Great Green Lizard of Chaos cannot be bound for long. Sooner or later, it gets free to cause more havoc. Still, it can't travel through space without help, so it must still be on Earth. Probably. Teacup: We managed to hold it for four hundred years! Why did it escape now? Invader's Wife (Aka Lum's Mom or Mrs. Invader): [while she is speaking in Oni, Cowcatcher is using Martial Subtitling to enable her fellow elders to read what Mrs. Invader says] The Big Mouth Singers of Fisherpricia claim in the 'Lay of the All Powerful Mime' that it follows an agenda known only to itself, merely pretending to be a moronic lizard that imitates people's voices. Certainly, one would think that it wouldn't either be worshipped or reviled by most races if it was just an indestructible lizard with parrot tendencies. Invader: So how was it passed into your care? Teacup: It all started about four hundred years ago. ********** [We see a mountainside near the Amazon village. Two Amazons, 'Goatcheese' and 'Limburger', are chasing a cow] Goatcheese: Come back here! Limburger: We were only joking about making hamburgers! [There is a streak of light and something slams into the mountaintop, knocking it off. A huge explosion echoes, along with the faint words, 'Hi'] Goatcheese: You catch cow. Goatcheese go investigate explosion. Limburger: There's no tourists. You can talk in the first person, you know. Goatcheese: Oh yeah. [runs off to the explosion and finds a crashed alien spacecraft. It is a small flying saucer with a teacup for a dome. The teacup is cracked and all the tea is spilling out onto the ground. The pilot is fumbling for a bowl full of tea to put over his head, but can't reach it. He is the fishlike alien that shows up in a cameo in every episode.] What are you? [The alien reaches into the wreckage and picks up the Winslow, which looks just like it did when we first saw it in the petshop] Winslow: Nihao! Goatcheese: What a cute lizard! Alien: [shoves it into her hands] Must...guard it...don't let...the Daleks have it...key to the universe. [falls face forward into a puddle of tea, then perks up] Anyway, PLEASE take it and guard it! It is the Winslow, the key to all things! Goatcheese: Daleks? Winslow: EXTERMINATE! [pauses] Hi! ********** [Back in the present] Teacup: And thus this burden was passed on to us. Invader: How have you avoided being destroyed by all the races fighting over it? Cowcatcher: We didn't tell anyone we had it. And we've dressed up a few baby crocodiles as the Winslow the few times people have found out. That usually was the end of that. Eyeliner: But now it has escaped. It never even tried before. Well, I did find it in my sock drawer once, but I thought Shavingcream was playing a practical joke. Invader: I'll give you one week. Produce the Winslow, or be destroyed. Or you could just give me Shampoo. Eyeliner: [hands him an entire case] Here you go. Invader: Don't make me hurt you. ********** [We see Ranma-chan has been dressed up in an oni costume, complete with horns. It is rather more skimpy than one might expect for something owned by Kasumi. Nabiki steps back] Nabiki: Now we just have to die your hair... Ranma-chan: Why am I dressing up in this? Nabiki: Hot oni babe pictures are selling pretty well, these days. And Shinobu generally zaps me when I try to get pictures of her. Ranma-chan: I don't wanna pose for no pictures for guys to drool on! Nabiki: I'd get Kasumi to do it, but it would probably cause her therapy to unravel. So it'll have to be you. I'll give you 30% of the revenues. Ranma-chan: Therapy? Nabiki: You didn't think she was naturally so spacey, did you? Ranma-chan: Yeah. I mean, Kunou does it without drugs. I think. Nabiki: She had to be treated for incipient nymphomania, but they kinda overdid it. [thinking] I can't believe I actually managed to say that with a straight face. Luckily, Ranma would probably believe me if I told him Kasumi really IS an oni we adopted. Ranma-chan: ... Nabiki: Anyway, no point letting all of her old costumes go to waste. So is it a deal? Ranma-chan: [thinking] I could use the money, but... Nabiki: Otherwise, I'll have to get Akane to do this. Ranma-chan: [laughs] Like she'd wear this. Nabiki: Well, she is better built than you, but... Ranma-chan: [frowns] She is not! Nabiki: I mean, why else would you be reluctant to show what you've got? Ranma-chan: I don't see YOU dressing up like this. Nabiki: [grins] And if I do, will you pose for the pictures? Ranma-chan: [thinks] She's bluffing. [speaking] Yes. Nabiki: Prepare to eat your words. I'll be right back. *********** [We see Kasumi escorting Shampoo into the Tendo family living room, where Akane is playing with the Winslow. It is chasing a piece of string she is dragging across the floor as if it was a cat] Kasumi: If you'll just wait here, Shampoo, I'll go find Ranma. I think she and Nabiki are playing dress-up or something. [heads upstairs] Akane: If you and Lum destroy our house, I'll...I'll...not be very happy, Shampoo. Shampoo: Shampoo just need to get Ranma to help her find a missing Amazon artifact. She not going to fight with Lum here. Shampoo needs it so Onis don't destroy the Amazon village. Akane: [frowns] What, she called in an invasion fleet? [picks up the Winslow and pets it] Say hello to Shampoo, Winnie. Winnie: Nihao! Shampoo: [big eyes] The Winslow! Akane: Yeah, isn't he cute? Shampoo: Onis destroy Amazon village unless they get Winslow right away! Akane: [frowns] Yeah, right. Shampoo: Shampoo not joking! Many aliens think Winslow is God. Akane: [falls over laughing with the Winslow on her stomach] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Winslow: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Ranma-chan: [comes into the room with her hair down, dressed in an outfit like Lum's usual garb, complete with little horns. Nabiki is dressed similarly] I didn't think you'd have two of...oh, hi, Shampoo. Shampoo: Ran...you not Ranma! Evil onis! Lum send onis to steal Winslow so we can't give it to her to keep her from destroying our village! Oooooohhhh, Shampoo SO ANGRY! [whips out her bonbori] Shampoo won't let onis have the Winslow! Ranma-chan: It's me, Ranma! Shampoo: Shampoo not fall for that. Ranma never dress up like that in million years. Shampoo not stupid! [charges at Ranma-chan, who begins to dodge] Ranma-chan: Hey! IT IS ME! I'm your...your Ranma-groom! Shampoo: [continuing her onslaught] Now Shampoo really, really sure you're fake. Ranma-groom always too shy to call himself that. Nabiki: [thoughtfully] Here, let me hold him, Akane. [grabs the Winslow] Akane: HEY! Winslow: HEY! Nabiki: [holds her hand over the Winslow] Drop the bonbori or the Winslow gets it! Shampoo: Hah! Stupid Oni! Tricks are for kids! Shampoo know the Winslow is indestructible! Nabiki: Then I'll just take it. [starts to run off, thinking] I know I had some kind of plan when I did this...oh yeah, now I remember. Shampoo: [charges at Nabiki] Give Shampoo the Winslow. Nabiki: [hurls the Winslow high over Shampoo to Ranma- chan] Run! [Ranma-chan instinctively runs] Shampoo: Hey! [turns and runs after Ranma] [As Shampoo approaches Ranma-chan, she turns and hurls the Winslow to Nabiki. Now Akane is after them as well] Akane: STOP THROWING WINNIE! Winnie: WINNIE! [The game of keep away continues out the doors, across the garden, through the dojo and out into the street] ********** [We see an alien taxi circling over Tokyo in a holding pattern] Alien Cabdriver: I should be happy because I can charge them for the time I spent waiting, but I can't get any decent radio stations on this stupid planet! [sighs and looks out the window. He sees two humans and two onis playing 'Keep Away' with the Winslow. His eyes widen] No wonder the Onis wanted control of this world! They were looking for the fifth Lizard! And now they've found him! The Great Molting is about to begin! [gets on his long distance radio] Sir! I've spotted the Winslow on Earth! ********* [At the Oni fleet, Invader, Lum, Ten, and Lum's Mom are playing 'Gwords', a card game somewhat like Spades] Invader: I bid three. Lum: I bid four. Ten: We're going team bid fifteen. Invader: But...there's only thirteen tricks. Ten: We're...going to be in trouble. Oni Goon: [runs up] Sir, we just intercepted a transmission from a taxi driver! Invader: Why do we care about a taxi driver? Oni Goon: He's spotted the Winslow in Tokyo! Two onis have it, but a bunch of humans are chasing them! Invader: Right. Dispatch War Rocket Ajax to bring back their bodies! Lum: We don't have a War Rocket Ajax. Invader: Oh yeah. Send the entire fleet. ********** [The game of keep away has become a floating brawl with the Winslow being tossed person to person. Ukyou, Kunou, Ranma, Kodachi, Nabiki, Daisuke, Genma, three Daleks, Akane, Gosunkugi, Benten, Sayuri, Ataru, Mousse, Tsubasa, Konatsu, Mikado, Azusa, Ryuunosuke, Shinji, Happousai, Yuka, Shampoo, Hotaru, Crepe no Joe, Kumon Ryu, Mendo, Miss Hinako, Kouchou, Mariko, Hiroshi, Komatsu, A-ko, Asuka, and the Petshop Owner are all chasing each other round and round, all trying to get the Winslow. Most of them clearly have no idea exactly WHY they're trying to do this, other than the fact that people they don't like are also after it] Nabiki: Go long! GO LONG! [watches Ukyou leap up on top of a garbage can, so she spins and fires the Winslow to Ukyou] Winnie: LONG! [crashes into Ukyou, who falls into the middle of a knot of people, who start beating each other up trying to get to her] Ukyou: [crawls out of the horde and hurls the Winslow to Ranma] Go, Ranchan! Take it to the end zone! [Suddenly, there is a huge staticky crackling noise and suddenly the entire Oni invasion fleet appears over the horde] Invader's Voice: EVERYONE STEP AWAY FROM THE TWO ONIS OR BE VAPORIZED. [Suddenly, the sea of maniacs parts and Ranma-chan and Nabiki are surrounded by ten foot circles of empty space] Invader's Voice: BEAM THEM UP, SPOTTY. [Two beams of light stab down, sucking Ranma-chan and Nabiki up into the sky] Shampoo: No! Now the Onis will destroy us for not giving it to them! Ukyou: What, the Onis are going to destroy humanity? Because of something you did? Shampoo: Shampoo just obeying Amazon law. Ukyou: SHAMPOO!!! [charges Shampoo, spatula held high, and soon the riot resumes] Akane: [looking up] Shouldn't we try to rescue them? [no one pays her any mind as they riot] I hope Winnie will be okay. It's almost time for his dinner. ********** [We see Ranma-chan and Nabiki before the Oni Emperor, aka Invader, and his wife] Invader: You have secured the Winslow! Excellent! Nabiki: So what's the reward for securing the Winslow? [holds it protectively] Invader: I hereby grant you both the rank of Duchess! I'll see if I can find you a small planet or three once we get to a safer area than this planet. Nabiki: [eyes light up] I told you this was a good idea, Ranko. Ranma-chan: But we're... Nabiki: [puts a hand over Ranma-chan's mouth] Ranko is just tired. A pleasure to serve you, my emperor. [thinking] My own planet! I never thought these old costumes would be THIS valuable. Winnie: Hi! Invader: Now, we'll just jump out of this system and... Oni Goon: [runs up] Bad news, sir. Invader: What? Oni Goon: About three thousand fleets are headed towards this system, sir. By the time we get to a safe jump distance, they'll be all over us. Invader: Hmm. Even this fleet can't fight three thousand ships. Oni Goon: Three thousand FLEETS, sir. About three to five hundred ships each. Invader: ... Nabiki: [thinks a moment, then grins] If I may be so bold, your highness, I have an idea. Ranma-chan: [thinking] How do I get into this sort of thing? ********** [We see a really huge conference room with hundreds of tables with groups of aliens playing cards. Nabiki roams from table to table, answering rules questions and selling food and drink, as does Ranma-chan. Nabiki also plays as Invader's partner part of the time. The Winslow hangs in a cage watching Oprah on a TV right under a huge sign that proclaims, 'Intergalactic Spades Tournament. First Prize: The Winslow Second Prize: An authentic Winslow Plushie. Third Prize: A commemorative T-shirt. Fourth Prize: A boot to the head'] Ranma-chan: [thinking] This is crazy. This will NEVER work. Nabiki: [to a three headed, five limbed alien] I'm sorry, your highness. I'm afraid I'm already engaged. 3H5L Alien: But you have such wonderful elbows, I can hardly control myself! Nabiki: Well, if you can outwrestle my fiancee, then I suppose I could do it. 3H5L Alien: Where is he? Nabiki: She. [points to Ranma-chan] There. 3H5L: [charges across the room towards Ranma-chan] I CHALLENGE YOU! Nabiki: [to the 3H5L's partner] Wanna make a bet on who wins? 3H5L's partner: [smiles] The king never loses. But I'll bet you 5 million bars of gold that the king will win. Nabiki: [shakes hand to tentacle with him] Deal. [Thirty seconds later, Ranma-chan has tied up her attacker and tossed him down a laundry chute] 3H5L's partner: ... Nabiki: You can deliver the gold to the following address... *********** [The Tournament is grinding down towards its end. The last two pairs of card players are Nabiki and Invader vs. a pair of Cybermen (who look like humans dressed in silly silver outfits with a badly disguised box over their heads, but are allegedly dangerous galactic conquerors with only one vulnerability: gold). As is standard for Spades, they are sitting at a square table with each pair of partners seated at opposite ends, like this: Nabiki Cyberman 1 Cyberman 2 Invader ] Nabiki: [shuffling the cards] So what do you people want with the Winslow, anyway? Cyberman 1: After careful analysis, we have determined that our past defeats are due to lack of posession of the Winslow. Once we win this card game, we will convert it into the CyberWinslow and it will lead us to victory. Nabiki: Right. [starts dealing, gives Invader a meaningful look] Invader: [gets out a gold coin and starts flipping it over and over and over] Would you be interested in seeing my coin collection after this? It's very nice. Cyberman 2: [watching the coin flip over and over like someone watching a poisonous cobra] No thank you. We'll have to be...heading off to a cyberdoc after this. [They play through several hands. The cybermen, distracted by the coin, aren't doing too well. However, on the fourth hand, they manage to score 150 points with a successful low bid and begin to catch up. The score stands 325 for Nabiki and Invader and 283 for the Cybermen, with 500 a winning score] Nabiki: [dealing out the fifth hand] Are they still planning to throw gold confetti on the victor of this tournament, your highness? Invader: Yep. [looks at his cards] Hmm. Cyberman 2: [picks up his cards with half of them showing, but doesn't notice because he's distracted] Gold confetti? [sounds horrified] Invader: As required by Intergalactic law. You get to keep it, by the way. Cyberman 1: [staring mindlessly at his cards] KEEP IT? Invader: In fact, you have to keep it. Or forfeit the Winslow. [thinks, then says] I think they threw in a free trip to Fort Knox with the first prize, too. Cyberman 2: [hysterically] FORT KNOX? Nabiki: Are you EVER going to bid? Cyberman 2: Ack! Nabiki: Okay, eight bid for Cyberman 2. Your bid, your highness. Invader: Hmm. The two of us must have all the cards. I bid... Cyberman 2: Hey, I didn't say EIGHT! Nabiki: Well, what is your bid? You have five seconds or you forfeit the game. [The Jeopardy theme is playing in the background] Four. Three. Cyberman 2: Umm...uhh... Nabiki: Two. One. Cyberman 2: Alright, alright! I bid eight! Cyberman 1: You're a bloody looney! Nabiki: Invader? Invader: [looks over at the Cyberman] I bid three. Cyberman 1: Can I bid that my partner is an idiot? Or make a negative bid? Nabiki: No. Cyberman 1: Zero bid. Nabiki: I bid three. Team bid 6. Team bid 8 for the Cybermen. With only thirteen tricks, one team must go set. Cyberman 2: [looks at his hand. He has all four aces and a king, which likely guarantees him five tricks, if not eight. He selects the Ace of Hearts and starts to lay it down] My lead, right? Nabiki: Yes, but are you SURE you want to lay that down? Cyberman 2: It's the Ace of Hearts! Only a spade could beat it! Nabiki: But what if someone's out? It could die horribly and then your bid would be wrecked. Cyberman 1: Be quiet! Don't listen to her! She said that the last three times you played an ace! Nabiki: Just trying to be helpful. He's not very experienced, you know, and he needs help. And since you haven't been helping him... Cyberman 1: The last pair who tried to help each other, you had them thrown out for talking across the table! Nabiki: Are you trying to insinuate something? Cyberman 1: PLAY THE FREAKING ACE ALREADY!!!! Cyberman 2: [plays down the Ace of Hearts] There. Invader: Hmm. [plays the five of Hearts] Cyberman 1: [slams down the two of Hearts] Stupid onis. Nabiki: [plays the two of Spades] Sadly, I have no heart. No Hearts, anyway. But I tried to warn you anyway. [sweeps up the trick] [This hand ends with Nabiki and Invader taking seven tricks and the Cybermen taking only six. The score stands 386 for Nabiki and Invader and 223 for the Cybermen, with 500 a winning score] Cyberman 3: [brings a pot over to Cyberman 1] Here's the pork and beans you ordered, sir. Cyberman 1: [smiles at Nabiki and Invader as Cyberman 2 shuffles and deals] We're going to have beanfest 1999 on our homeworld soon. Perhaps you should drop in. [Invader looks nervous, Nabiki looks blase] Nabiki: I'll be sure to wear my best gold jewelry to it. And Invader-sama can bring his big GOLDEN sceptre of state. [Cyberman 2 twitches while dealing and tosses a card into Invader's mouth] Invader: HEY! [spits out the card and calls for a fresh deck] Cyberman 1: o/~ Beans, beans the musical fruit o/~ Nabiki: [thinking] Why does he keep ranting about...oh, beans. Onis. Right. [reaches down into her huge bag of plunder and pulls out a Pez dispenser with a head like a Cylon. It spits a small pill into her hand] Here you go, your highness. Some of my special 'immunity to beans' pills for you. [passes it to him, and he eats it] Ever since I invented these, we've had little to fear from Cyberbeans. [thinking] Let's hope Mr. Invader thinks to play along or mistakes candy for a cure... Cyberman 1: So you've discovered the power of Beano, eh? Well, it won't help you win THIS card game. [Cyberman 2 deals the cards. The bid is seven for the Cybermen and seven for Nabiki and Invader. Once again, one team has to fail to make its bid. Several rounds pass, and now both teams have taken five tricks. The next three rounds will determine who makes their bid for the hand] Nabiki: Hmm. My lead? Cyberman 1: Yes. Nabiki: [looks at her hand] I'll just flip a coin. [flips a gold coin, but it goes wild and lands on Cyberman 1, who screams and jumps backwards, then hides under the table] It's just a coin, not a bomb. Cyberman 1: Gold coin! Gold Coin! Nabiki: Can you at least tell me whether I got heads or tails? Cyberman 1: GET IT OFF ME! [The coin is on the table] Nabiki: [shrugs and flicks the coin onto the empty chair] It's not on you anymore. [plays the ten of spades] [Cyberman 2 plays the Jack of Spades while Cyberman 1 scrambles up onto the chair] Invader: [plays the Queen of Spades onto the Jack] Can I have my coin back? Nabiki: [just as Cyberman 1 reaches for a card in his hand] I think he's sitting on it. Cyberman 1: AAAAAAA!!!! [blindly flings the three of spades onto the table] GET IT OFF ME! Nabiki: Stop sitting on it! Cyberman 2: Yeah, what she said. Nabiki: [sweeps up the trick] Here comes the nuke. [plays the Ace of Spades] Cyberman 2: Ack. [plays his nine of spades] Dammit. Invader: [plays the five of spades] You could have saved that, you know. Cyberman 1: NOOOOO!!!!!! [looks at his hand: three of hearts and king of spades] Do I have to follow suit? Nabiki: No. Cyberman 1: [starts to play the three of hearts] Good. Nabiki: [smiling] But if you don't, and you could, then you're 'reneging' and you automatically get set and lose ten times what you bid. If we notice. Cyberman 1: [sighs and plays the king of spades] Dammit. Nabiki: Well, we've made our seven. You're set, since you need two tricks and there's only one left. [grins] But the game isn't over yet. [After the cybermen win the last round of that hand, the score stands 456 for Nabiki and Invader and 153 for the Cybermen, with 500 a winning score] Nabiki: Hmm. Looks like you two could go blind low. [Invader is busy shuffling and dealing] Cyberman 1: [sarcastically] I suppose you'll tell us this involves poking our eyes out. Nabiki: [laughs] No, one of you simply bids low without looking at his cards, then you get to each trade one card. If the person who goes low makes it, you get two hundred points. Cyberman 1: And while his eyes are closed, you pour gold dust into his breathing vent on the back of his neck and kill him. Nabiki: I do not go around killing stupid people. That's nature's job. Cyberman 2: I'll do it. We need the points. Cyberman 1: Don't! It's a trick! It's always a trick! What's your name, anyway? Nabiki: Duchess Nabiki of... [looks over at Invader] What planet did you give me? Invader: Haven't decided yet. If we win this game, I'll give you a whole solar system. Nabiki: [eyes light up] o/~ We will win o/~ Invader: Your bid, Cyberman 1. Cyberman 1: I bid three. Nabiki: Two bid. Cyberman 2: BLIND LOW! Cyberman 1: Can I change my bid? I want to add 'killing my partner' to it. Invader: Too late. I bid three. [Cyberman 1 and 2 stare at their hands, then they trade. Cyberman 1 gets the Ace of Spades] Cyberman 1: [thinking] Well, at least he can't go set by having the high spade. Invader: Your lead. [They begin to play out the hand. Cyberman 1 takes the first two tricks, then Invader takes three, Nabiki takes one, and Cyberman 1 takes three more, much to his surprise] Cyberman 1: I took that with the eight of diamonds? Nabiki: Well, you can give it to us if you don't really want it. Cyberman 1: No! It's mine! MINE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Cyberman 2: I think you need to have your fluids checked. Nabiki: Your lead. Cyberman 1: [thinking] I'd best play the ace so he can get rid of his highest spade. Since I made my bid, I gotta cover him. [plays the Ace of Spades. Nabiki plays the seven, Cyberman 2 plays the King, and Invader plays the four of spades] Cyberman 2: Whew. I was afraid my King wouldn't get covered. Cyberman 1: YOU WENT LOW WITH THE KING OF SPADES? Cyberman 2: Blind low. I could have had nothing but spades, for all I knew. Cyberman 1: Well, what is done is done. [The cards go round to the very last round, in which every player has only one card left] Cyberman 1: [plays down the jack of clubs] Whoever has the King of Spades can go ahead and put it down and take this. I know it's out there. Cyberman 2: Actually, the High Card is the Queen of Spades. I already got rid of the King, remember? [Nabiki plays down the three of clubs] Cyberman 1: Well, it looks like you made your low. Cyberman 2: Uhh...oh wait, you already played the Ace. [sheepishly puts down the Queen of Spades] See, I told you the Queen was high. Cyberman 1: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Invader: [plays down the nine of hearts] So what's the score, Nabiki? Nabiki: We took six and they took seven, so it looks like... [totes up points] The score stands 507 for us and 403 for the Cybermen. We get the Winslow and they get an authentic Winslow Plushie. I bet the Plushie could do just as good a job of leading your armies as the real one, though. Ranma-chan: [comes forward with the Winslow, which he hands to Invader, and the Winslow Plushie, which he hands to Cyberman #1] Hold on. You cyberguys get the Fort Knox Playset as well, with an authentic gold brick. Cybermen: AAAAAA!!!!!!! [run far, far away, although they do take the plushie with them] Nabiki: So what Solar System do I get? Invader: How about Omnicron Beta? Nabiki: Sure! [thinking] I dunno what I'll do with it, but hey, can't hurt] Invader: And Duchess Ranko, I'll give you the entire Alpha Centauri system, although all it has right now is a truck stop, so it's a bit of a fixer upper, but I feel generous. Ranma-chan: [thinking] What am I going to do with an entire solar system? Nabiki: What are you going to do with the Winslow, anyway? Invader: [pets the Winslow] Figure out who our worst enemies are, sell it to them cheap, then sit back and watch the maniacs destroy them. Nabiki: I like how you think. Invader: I didn't become Emperor for my looks. ********** [We see Lum, Ten, and Old-Ataru in Lum's lab. Old-Ataru is strapped to a table and has about a thousand wires running off him to various points] Lum: [pushes a button] Now how do you feel? Old-Ataru: It's making my trick knee act up. I think we're going to have rain tomorrow. Lum: Blast it! Nothing I try works! I can't even figure out why your curse body is normal, but your boy body is old. Both your forms should have lost their youth. Nabiki: [walks in wearing a brand new golden crown studded with gems in addition to the oni-style bikini she was wearing earlier. Ranma-chan is following her, hauling a big bag of loot and herself wearing a golden tiara with a ruby set in it. They're both wearing the fake oni horns still] I've got an idea on something you could do. Lum: [blinks] Since when were you an Oni? Nabiki: [blinks back] Oh, I forgot to take these off. Well, I have to say your father is a good card player. A pity he isn't younger...anyway. I'm the Grand Duchess of Omnicron Beta now, and Ranma here is the Duchess of Alpha Centauri. Lum: Omnicron Beta...I think that's in rebellion right now. Nabiki: [blinks, then laughs] I suspect he saw through my little disguise too, but still...I definitely made a profit on this. Heck, even Ranma made one. Anyway, here's my suggestion... ********** [We see the lab. Nabiki, Ranma-chan, Lum, and Ten are all wearing tiger-striped radiation suits as they carry barrels labelled 'Sixteen', 'Kawaii', 'Teenbeat', 'David Hasslehoff Fan Club Materials', 'Dawson's Creek Tapes', and 'Hanson Singles' over to a huge machine that looks sort of like a still. They pour the contents into the machine, and a distilled liquid pours into a thick ceramic bottle at the bottom] Old-Ataru: [still strapped down] Are you trying to destroy me with bad taste made flesh? Nabiki: We're trying to distill liquid youth. This should turn you back to normal. [They spend a long time, but eventually, the bottle is full. Lum carries it over to Ataru with tongs] Lum: Drink. Old-Ataru: Are you SURE this is safe? Nabiki: Hanson only causes brain damage, so you have nothing to lose. Old-Ataru: Ahh, okay. [chugs it] Youth tasted better back in the good old days. [suddenly, he begins to howl, flailing about, then he rolls off the bed and drops out of sight] Lum: [runs over] DARLING! Ranma-chan: Maybe he did have some brain cells left. Ten: I can assure you that's not true. Ataru: [stands up shakily. He looks perfectly normal, except that his hair is perfectly combed, his teeth perfectly white, and he is now wearing stylish clothing] Hmm. I seem to have mussed my pants a bit. [brushes them off] Lum: [hugs him] Darling is okay! Ataru: That radiation suit is so gaudy. [looks around] Do you all always wear the same outfits? Or did your parents all go to the same Salvation Army store? Ranma-chan: [irritated] Hey, this is to protect us from...I think we over did it with the fashion magazines. Nabiki: [shrugs] Essence of youth. I never said there might not be a few side effects. Come, Ranma, let's go home so I can count my plunder. *********** [We see Invader with the Amazon Elders and Shampoo] Invader: Okay. Shampoo is giving up her quest for revenge, and I promise to not level the Amazon village from orbit. Shampoo: Shampoo lose much honor if she... Eyeliner: Gets killed by the Council of Elders for violating a decree of the Council. Shampoo: [sighs] Shampoo never get to kill anyone. ********* [We see Ranma-chan and Nabiki straggle in the front door of the Tendo house. In the living room, Akane is trying to do homework, but mostly just fretting and driving her pencil through page after page] Akane: Dammit! Where has Ranma run off to? He could get hurt and I wouldn't be able to help him! He could get killed! And he stole my pet! If I find him....HE DIES! Nabiki: I'm afraid we had to let the Onis have your pet in the interest of intergalactic peace. Akane: [turns around] You did WHAT? Nabiki: But I got you a new one as an apology. Give it to her, Ranma. [Ranma-chan hands Akane something that looks like a small ball of fur with a mouth. It makes soothing noises as she holds it] Akane: Wow! An alien pet! What's it called? Nabiki: A tribble. It should be much less trouble than the Winslow was. [Far away, the sign in the Tendo Dojo crashes to the ground] [End of Part 6]