[OPENING SHOT: A black screen with neon green letters] Subtitle: Not Very Long Ago, in a Galaxy Which Exists Only in One Man’s Deranged Imagination... [After 20 seconds, the subtitle wipes away left to right and is replaced by a starry field] Scrolling Subtitle: [to properly simulate, strike the next page key every ten seconds and never page back up until the next time you read the story] Otaku Wars I: The Fandom Menace The Otaku Republic has seen better days. But since this is scrolling past too quickly for you to read properly, we won’t go into detail. Well, yes we will, but you won’t be able to keep up. On the periphery of the Republic lies one of its most respected member planets, Faboo. Faboo, an elective monarchy, is going through a transition with the election of its new Queen, Amelia, who is rather...young. Don’t ask me why they elected her; elective monarchy is silly anyway. As a result, Faboo’s neighbor, the Trekkie Federation, is trying to encroach upon it. They have blocked the hyperwaves and jammed them so that all channels only show Star Trek, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, or Voyager. As the sanity of the inhabitants of Faboo begins to decay, the crisis is reaching a breaking point. The Senate of the Republic is too busy arguing over what should be showing on Trantorian hypervision to worry about Faboo. But Chancellor Youshou has taken action on his own and sent two Fanboy Knights (the defenders of the Otaku Galaxy) to arbitrate the dispute. Fanboy Knights Hiko and Kenshin are making a run for the border^H^H^H^H^H^H on their way to Faboo at this very moment. Hope you caught all this, because otherwise you’re going to be MORE confused. [As the words scroll off the top of the screen, we get an external shot of the space shuttle, stolen from NASA footage because it is free and I’m poor. The camera zooms in on the front cab, then ‘passes through the wall’ into the passenger compartment. Yes, I know the real one doesn’t have a passenger compartment, but this is a movie. So be quiet. Inside, we see the two Fanboy Knights: Hiko and Kenshin. HIKO is tall and handsome, heavily muscled and wearing a long white cape with a huge collar over his blue tunic and black pants. The cape has a red lining, and he has a lightsabre hanging at his belt. He looks to be in his mid-thirties. KENSHIN is of medium height, in his late teens with wild red hair. He has huge bangs and a pony-tail. He is dressed in a red and blue hakama and has a lightsabre at his waist as well. He has yet to acquire his trademark scar. Kenshin is busy cooking dinner while Hiko reads ‘Heavy Metal’.] Kenshin: I can’t believe you read that! Hiko: Who’s reading? I just scan it for pictures of naked women. Kenshin: You’re not going to take that before Queen Amelia, are you? Hiko: No, you are. Kenshin: [big eyes] Oro? Hiko: [laughs] Got you. Pilot: [on the intercom] Sir, we’ve reached the blockade. Shall I hail them? Hiko: No, we don’t want to grovel. Pilot: ... Hiko: Tell them I’m here, and that if they don’t get stop bombarding the planet with Trek reruns, Kenshin will kill them all. Kenshin: HEY! Pilot: Are you sure you want me to say that? Hiko: [glances over at Kenshin] Of course. Kenshin: We can’t just kill them all! Hiko: [turns to Kenshin] The first law of diplomacy is to ask for more than you actually want. That way you can give ground without giving up anything vital. Kenshin: Oh. Hiko: And this way, they want to kill you instead of me. Kenshin: HEY! [Cut to the main bridge of the U.S.S Intrepid-B, a Galaxy Class Starship which is the flagship of the blockading fleet. It looks just like the Enterprise-D’s bridge, and is manned by a bunch of minor characters. We won’t worry about them, especially not the ones in red shirts. The Commander and First Officer, however, are worth our worrying about, especially since they’re busy having an argument over who is what] Jessie: [The Female half of Team Rocket] Hah! Voyager showed a woman could command a starship and people would watch it! James: [The Male half of Team Rocket] But I’ve got the same first name as Kirk! The Evil Cat Pokemon: [The smart half of Team Rocket] I think I should be in charge because I’ve got a charm on my head. James: [jumps into the command chair] Hah! I’m the captain. Besides, Roddenberry had a female first officer in the original pilot, The Cage, so this works just fine. Jessie: [pouts, then sighs] Well, then what are we going to do about those Fanboy Knights? James: [turns towards the communications bank] Lieutenant, open a line to Darth Shishio. Negiri: [in a Ferengi costume] Not unless you pay me first. Jessie: [shakes her head] We can’t just call him on the phone, you know! He just appears to us when he feels like it. James: [sighs] True. [slaps his combadge] Security! Damuramu: [voice only, from James’ combadge] Yes, sir? James: Prepare a security detail capable of dealing with the Fanboy Knights if things get out of hand. Damuramu: [voice from the badge] Dream on. Even I, Damuramu, would be hard pressed to defeat them. I remember the time when... James: Right. Then just deep-six the communications officer for me and find me a new one. Negiri: HEY! [Cut to one of the shuttle bays of the Intrepid-B. The Space Shuttle is going to have a hard time getting out, as it is several times larger than the shuttles that usually land in the bay. In fact, there’s not room to turn around. Kenshin and Hiko have just disembarked] Kenshin: I wonder what happened to the Intrepid-A. Hiko: A giant amoeba ate it. Kenshin: [frowns] Don’t you take ANYTHING seriously? Hiko: The all-Vulcan crew took it pretty seriously when it happened. They woke up every Fanboy in the Galaxy, I think. About the only way it could have been worse would have been if they’d been shipping Pokemon. Kenshin: Pokemon? Hiko: Don’t make me get expository. [Three Marionettes enter. MARIONETTES are robots designed to look female. They are, emotionless normally. These three are wearing red security uniforms and carrying phasers. All three are physically identical, with short blond hair and thin, lightly muscular figures] Yar1: Greetings, Carbon Units. Yar2: Captain James is waiting for you in the ready room. Please accompany us. Yar3: Refreshments have been prepared for you. Hiko: Take me to your leader. Kenshin: [looks back at the shuttle] It’s not going to be easy backing this thing out. Hiko: [shrugs and begins to follow the marionettes as they depart] We can get the marionettes to push it out the door or something. Come on or I’ll leave you behind. [Cut to Ready Room 1, where James and Jessie are conferring with Darth Shishio. DARTH SHISHIO looks suspiciously like Mumm-Ra the Everliving, all wrapped up in white bandages with only tufts of hair sticking out, his blood-shot eyes showing, and some hints at a metal headband around his head. He is tall, thin and wiry with dark eyes. He looks spectral; clearly this is an astral projection or some sort of hyperwave communication using a hologram] Darth Shishio: You’d better make this quick before the void inside your head sucks me in. James: What? [scratches his head and Darth Shishio drifts a few inches closer to him] Jessie: You told us Faboo would collapse before any Fanboy Knights showed up! Darth Shishio: Unleash the Marionettes. Take the planet by force now. You can catch the Fanboys by surprise and kill them. By the time more come, the planet will be in your hands. James: Hmm. I think I have just the Pokemon to do it with. [Cut to Ready Room 2. Hiko and Kenshin are seated at a table. The marionettes put down two large mugs of a blackish liquid on the table, and two covered plates. They uncover the plates, revealing a mixture of lug nuts and bolts and wires] Hiko: [looks in his mug and snorts] Motor oil. Let me guess, you three aren’t programmed to cook. Yar1: Do you prefer 10W30? Kenshin: [sighs] I should have brought the tofu from the ship. It was almost done. Hiko: Excellent idea. Go get it. Kenshin: [nods and heads for the door] I’ll be right back. [He steps out into the hallway, only to see Mini-Gamera flying down the hallway. Mini-Gamera looks like a scale model of Gamera, only about five foot across, but still possessing three heads, still being a turtle (sort of), and still flying] Kenshin: Oro? Mini-Gamera: GAMERA!!!! [breathes fire on Kenshin, who turns black and crispy like in a Warner Brothers Cartoon after a dynamite blast] Kenshin: ORO! [runs for his life] Master! A fire-breathing flying turtle is after me! Hiko: [from inside the room] You’re just trying to weasel out of going back to the ship. If there really is a fire-breathing turtle, you’re perfectly capable of fighting it yourself. Kenshin: [goes into his ready stance, leaning forward with his hand near his hilt] Stay back! Don't make me hurt you. Mini-Gamera: GAMERA!!!! [breathes fire on Kenshin again, but this time he leaps high into the air and...smacks his head on the ceiling, which is only twelve feet up. Kenshin ends up sprawled out on the ground] Kenshin: Oro... Hiko: [still out of sight in the ready room] Don’t forget to not use any jump moves. Mini-Gamera: [lands on the dazed Kenshin in triumph] GAMERA!!! [looks around expectantly, but nothing happens. It now seems confused] Gamera? Kenshin: [looks at it] You’re heavy, you know. Mini-Gamera: [sagely] Gamera. Hiko: [finally comes out] It’s just a Pokemon. It can’t actually kill you. It probably is expecting someone to come suck you into a pokeball now. Kenshin: Oro? Hiko: Like Fanboy Knights, Pokemon tap the Farce to create their special attacks, but those attacks can’t kill. Can’t kill living things, anyway. They can do nasty stuff to walls. [pauses] You’re forcing me to be expository. Stop it! Kenshin: Oro? Hiko: And if you say Oro ONE MORE TIME... Kenshin: O...Okay. [gets up, now reverted to normal and pets Mini-Gamera, who wags his tail] He’s kind of cute. Hiko: Unless he’s housebroken, you can’t keep him. Kenshin: Why did he attack me? Hiko: [looks off down the hallway] Probably our hosts decided to kill us. Kenshin: With a creature that can’t kill? Hiko: No one ever said they were smart. Those [points down the hallway] marionettes, on the other hand, probably can kill. [cracks his knuckles] I could use a good workout. Kenshin: [turns and sees approximately eighty red-shirted marionettes with phasers] O...oh yeah. [gets into his ready stance] I’m ready, master. Hiko: Just remember. No jump moves when the ceiling is only eight foot. Kenshin: Twelve foot. Hiko: [charges foward, slicing three marionettes in half with one blow, then unleashing a whirlwind of strikes amongst the ranks of the red shirts] Trust me.