Translator's Foreword: After many squabbles and a five casualty knife fight among members of our translation team, we have finally succeeded in translating the first serial of the thirty third season of Dr. Who. While the hard core of fans is no doubt aware of the adventures of the ninth and tenth doctors, we hope this translation will begin the process of making their adventures available to a larger fanbase. Some will wonder why we have chosen to begun with the first season of the adventures of the tenth Doctor instead of at the start of the ninth Doctor's career. (Obviously enough, the adventures of the first eight were conducted in English and need no translation). After much thought, we have decided that enough elements of the ninth Doctor's adventures were recycled from Ranma 1/2 by the script director for the 30th through 32nd seasons, J. R. Dobbs, that it would be superfluous for us to translate them when the more original 33rd and later seasons are available for translation. Indeed, the Tenth doctor has already appeared in one fanfic, so that also played a role in our decision. Also importantly, our chief translator threatened to not let us look at his manga if we didn't start where he wanted. We will thus simply briefly recap the events of the final serial of season 32, 'Our Budget Ran Out'. This was what is known as a 'bottle show', which means that you could fit the entire budget of the show into a coke bottle, even if you did it with pennies. Not that you couldn't do that for most Dr. Who episodes anyway. But still... It began with the Doctor and Kasumi having mad passionate sex. This took up all of the first episode of the serial and made heavy use of stock footage from 'Cream Lemon', 'Ogenki Clinic', and 'The Eastenders' (for exterior shots). Only the last few minutes was actually staged live, since it involved them in the lesser lotus position on top of the Tardis controls. As you might guess, this wasn't a good idea, as Kasumi kicked a lever, sending the Tardis on another one of its jumps. For understandable reasons, this episode had high ratings, even though many stations felt forced to censor the naughty bits. This lead to the legendary 'Sapporo tape', which is a copy of that broadcast made by a fan in Sapporo, where the broadcast was most heavily censored. It consists entirely of a black screen and thirty minutes of bells and whistles, with a final clear shot of Kasumi's foot kicking the lever and her saying, "Oh my." Copies of this tape sell remarkably well at conventions. Don't ask ME why. The second episode consisted of cheap psychedelic effects created by using Christmas lights, overlaid upon various flashbacks to previous episodes, gradually going further back in time to the start of the ninth Doctor's career. The episode ended with footage of the Ninth Doctor's arrival in Nerima, where the Time Lords had exiled him after the single movie of the Eighth Doctor's career flopped horribly, doing damage to the time stream, and more importantly, to their cash flow, in the process. The third episode was titled, 'Dream of a New Future', but is usually referred to by fans as 'What a Waste of Human Life'. The episode opens with the Ninth Doctor stepping out of his Tardis and being hit by a truck, which kills him after swerving to avoid some little red haired girl. This wouldn't have bothered fans so much, except that the Ninth Doctor quit in disgust after reading the script for this episode, so they had to use a 'Bandai Ninth Doctor Action Figure' as a stand in, along with a toy truck and a Minky Momo plushie, with a 'Barbie Dream Strip Mall' as the backdrop. (How they actually could afford to buy toys is unknown. The usual fan rumor is that they had to beg their children to loan them the toys). Even this might have been tolerated, except that they then used the real Kasumi in the same scene. Even the most hard core fan can only take so much. The fact that the rest of the episode consists of footage of the Producer's baby boy dribbling and dumping sphagetti on his head with Kasumi superimposed over the Producer's wife didn't help either. Kasumi is revealed to be the goddess of the Present, Belldandy, who sent an avatar to act as the Doctor's lover for a time. However, due to an accident of fate, he has been reborn as a baby, so she has taken on the role of his mother now. Or something. The plot changed between episodes as irate fans got wind of the script in advance and successfully assassinated the script writer, the director, the producer, and Margaret Thatcher. Unfortunately, she simply regenerated and was revealed as the evil sixth incarnation of Romana foreshadowed in 'Destiny of the Wombats' in the 31st season. Somehow, the new director wove footage of her destructive rampage through London from BBC news together with new footage in the studios to produce, 'We'll do better next season, we swear', the final episode of the year, in which Kasumi and Margaret Thatcher battled to the death. A temporal side effect of the battle aged the baby Doctor to full adulthood, although his adult form was shrouded in shadow, since the new actor hadn't been hired yet. Thus, we come to the start of the thirty third season, in which the controversial decision was made to hire the freelance production crew known as 'Giant Wombat Studios', which despite being run out of the Owner/Producer's dorm bedroom, still had a larger budget available per episode than had often been alotted for entire seasons of the show under first BBC, then Kitty Film Circle's periods of control of the show. With no further ado, we present the first episode of the first serial of the thirty third season of Doctor Who, translated into English for the first time. Internet Guru of the Team: Jenny Borchelt University of Kansagon at Lawland. Christmas 1998 ************** GIANT WOMBAT STUDIOS PRESENTS: A DOCTOR WHO/FUTABA-KUN CHANGE CROSSOVER: Serial Title: "Travesty of the Daleks" Episode: 3301 Producer: John Walter Biles Director: Madoka Ayukawa Script Writer: Yusaku Godai Key Grip: Yusaku Hino Wombat Herder: Elvis Starring: Julian Lennon as The Tenth Doctor And a fond farewell to... Kasumi Tendo as Belldandy, Goddess of the Present *************** [Opening shot: We see DOCTOR WHO cramped up in a baby bed, wearing shreds of clothing that doesn't fit, due to the fact that he just aged from about six months to adulthood in about three minutes of 'real' time. The camera carefully avoids showing his naughty bits] Doctor: [confused] Hey, where'd that truck go? [With a shimmer of light, BELLDANDY appears] Belldandy: Hmm. You've aged to adulthood. My work is done. Doctor: I don't suppose I could get some clothing and directions to my TARDIS? Belldandy: [gestures and clothing appears next to him] Here you go. And you'll find your TARDIS inside one of the closets at this address. [gestures and a business card appears] But first, we need to finish something. Doctor: [peers at her] Do I know you? Belldandy: [reverts to Kasumi] Now do you recognize me? Doctor: [thinks hard] I think you were wearing less clothing. Kasumi: [gestures and her clothing vanishes] Better? Doctor: Ahh, NOW I remember. [flails about his face] Hmm...something should be fogging up right now. Kasumi: You don't need glasses in this incarnation, especially when I'm going to be THIS close to you. [climbs into the bed with him and we wipe to the next scene] ******** [Opening shot: The camera pans across a huge room full of Daleks. Hundreds, maybe thousands of them. The shot is somewhat confusing because many of the Daleks are of different models and the room keeps changing what it looks like every five seconds. (TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: We think this is because they used stock footage from as many past Dalek appearances as they could.) Still, it soon becomes clear that they're gathered watching a vidtape or something similar on the huge telly that dominates the room in the new footage. The camera zooms in on the footage, which is well animated because it has been stolen from Macross. Or perhaps Robotech. Or both.] Lynn Minmei: o/~ We will win! o/~ [We see footage of Zentraedi ships committing suicide in a desperate effort to escape] Lynn Minmei: o/~ Yapapa yappapa rappapa! o/~ [The entire fleet explodes. The camera draws back to show the Daleks closest to the huge golden Dalek known as the HAPPY SHINY EMPEROR DALEK. Besides being gold, he also has a huge foam hand shaped in a thumbs up position over his plunger. Currently, it is thumbs up] Happy Shiny Emperor Dalek (TRANSLATOR's NOTE. We henceforth refer to him as Emperor Dalek for conciseness' sake): Who's your daddy? Daleks: [in chilling mechanical unison] The Happy Shiny Emperor Dalek! One lone Dalek: Davros! Daleks: [in chilling mechanical unison] Exterminate! [They all blast him to powder] Pontificate! Pontificate! Emperor Dalek: I, your emperor, by right of being the only Dalek with a hand... Another lone Dalek: But you stole it from a football game. [He is zotted to tiny bits by massed Dalek firepower] (TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: It remains unclear whether he means American football, Soccer, or the use of a severed foot in golf (as practiced by certain cannibal tribes) here) Emperor Dalek: Anyway. We must make a plan. It is clear that our future invasion of the Earth will never succeed unless we eliminate the threat to our plans revealed by this footage we recorded with our time probe, when studying the early twenty first century invasion of the Earth by the Zentraedi. Daleks: [in chilling mechanical unison] EXTERMINATE MINMEI! Emperor Dalek: This calls for more extreme measures. The nation known as Japan on Earth in the late twentieth century seems to be the breeding ground where top research scientists developed this highly effective weapon against alien invasions known colloquially as the 'Idol Singer'. We must use the Time Tunnel to launch an expedition to destroy the first primitive Idol Singers before they come into their full power. I have dubbed this 'Operation Full Metal Jacket' in order to confuse the enemy. J. Random Dalek: And us. Emperor Dalek: Well, yes, of course. I've had our best scientists craft a cunning disguise. The strike force will roam the streets unseen, determine the best way to kill all the idol singers, and then wipe them out. J. Random Dalek: What if the Doctor interferes? Emperor Dalek: He will not recognize you in your cunning disguises. No one will! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! J. Random Dalek: But what if he does? Emperor Dalek: Then kill him. J. Random Dalek: But he'll regenerate. Emperor Dalek: Then kill him again. And again. And again. J. Random Dalek: You can only kill the Doctor so many times before it starts to get repetitive. And then... Emperor Dalek: My will is not to be denied for I have an opposable thumb! J. Random Dalek: I've never seen you move it. Emperor Dalek: You're not even worthy to observe it. But... [The hand rotates to where it is now in thumb down position] Someone have this man made into an ashtray. [Iris out to the sound of zotting] ******** [Iris in on a long distance shot of a Tokyo neighborhood from above. After three seconds, cut to the front yard of a small townhouse somewhere in the sort of neighborhood that is very common in anime and very rare in the real Tokyo. The front door flies open and FUTABA SHIMERU sprints out the front door of his house, still trying to put on his uniform's jacket, a piece of toast in his mouth] Futaba: Great. After beating off Futana with a stick, I'm late to school! (TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: This was not intended to sound lewd in the original Japanese) [There is a sound of running feet behind him. Also, MISAKI comes running out of a side alley and over to him] Misaki: [breathlessly] You're late too? Futaba: Yeah. Had to clobber my sister. And you? Misaki: Like an angry bagel, I rose from my bed, and fell down. (TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: Misaki is quoting the famous Shimeru Bagel Haiku here. Unfortunately, it just isn't half as poetic in English, and in fact no longer functions as a haiku. I suggest _The Bagel Haiku And Other Poems Written While Failing to Diet_, for a less precise, but more poetic translation. If you read Urdu, anyway.) Futaba: I forgot to do my poetry homework! [starts to get tense] And Taiki-sensei is gonna kill me! Misaki: You'll do fine. Futaba: I can't make up a 2000 line epic poem and recite it off the top of my head! Misaki: [digs through her handbag as she runs] Here. Use this. [throws him a copy of BEOWULF] Futaba: I don't think Taiki-sensei knows Anglo-Saxon. Misaki: Exactly! You'll impress him! Futaba: ... [Swipe to next scene] ********* [Opening shot: We see Negiri at an ice cream store. She is in a booth, eating a vanilla-cherry double scoop, sitting opposite a six foot tall traffic cone which is in the other side.] Negiri: So you want to know about any idol singers who go to my school? Traffic Cone: Yes. We need to exter...interview her. For the...Traffic Cone Ladies' Home Journal. Negiri: [nods] I can set you up an interview with Futaba-chan. But it will cost you. Traffic Cone: Money is no object. Negiri: Say...five thousand yen. Traffic Cone: Ten thousand. Negiri: Shouldn't you be under bidding me? Traffic Cone: Well, aren't you paying for the ice cream? I was just trying to be fair. Negiri: No! Traffic Cone: [looks over at the eight gallon drum of vanilla next to it] ... [Wipe to the next scene] ******** [We see the Doctor in front of the Shimeru house, knocking on the door] Shimeru-san: [answers the door and steps out onto the front step] Can I help you? Doctor: I'm with the Tokyo Closet Inspection Department. [pulls out a wallet and flashes a badge which is actually a Texas Ranger Badge (closer inspection would reveal it belonged to Marshall Walker, but it doesn't stay out long enough for closer inspection) , then puts it away] We've had reports you're storing alien spacecraft in your closets without a license. Shimeru-san: [panics] You can't prove anything! I'm not letting you in without a warrant! Doctor: [thinking] I think I chose too good a bluff. Shimeru-san: [slams the door] Go away! And don't come back! [realizes he is outside the house. Without his keys. And the door is locked] You tricked me! [runs off down the street] You won't get away with this! You can't prove anything! I'll sue, I will!!!!! Doctor: [sits down on the steps] I wish I hadn't had to hock my sonic screwdriver to pay Kasumi's bail after those public intoxication charges. [sighs] Well, sooner or later someone will come home. [wipe to Eyecatch] *********** [EYECATCH: We see the Shiny Happy Emperor Dalek chasing the Doctor, Futbaba, Misaki, Futaba's Father, and Elvis round and round the Tardis as 'Pop goes the Weasel' plays in the background. Then the music suddenly stops, and they each pull a chair out of ...somewhere, and sit on it. Except for the Shiny Happy Emperor Dalek, who is incapable of sitting. His 'hand' turns thumb down as the Tardis topples over on him, squashing him flat. Fade to black for Commercials] *********** [INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE] (Translator's note: For obvious reasons, we haven't actually inserted a commercial here, but it would probably involve selling toys based on the series, like maybe the Shiny Happy Emperor Dalek or the Dalek Fortress play kit) ************ [EYECATCH: We see the Doctor playing a saxaphone, while Negiri and Misaki play bass and lead guitar respectively, Principal Hirouin plays keyboards, and Futaba-chan sings 'Puberty Love' while standing on a platform under the stars. Far above, Dalek ships explode, one by one. Wipe to the second half of the episode.] ***********