[Still: Another typical night at the KU computer labs. Many students are hunched over computers while a three mile long line trails out the door, down the hallway, out the front door, down the street, down another street, and out onto Iowa, where they block traffic. Two especially crazed students sit together at one computer, a boy and a girl, apparently playing Risk by Netscape or some equally bizarre waste of computer resources. We see our protagonist, JOHN WALTER BILES, busilly working on a paper about MAX WEBER and mucking and writing a fanfic simultaneously.] Psycho Boy: Yeah, yeah, and then the vampires had Kennedy assassinated. They took my dog too. Psycho Girl: So do you think they fund vampire movies to make people think they're imaginary? John: [Begins banging his head on the keyboard over and over and over and over again] Why. Do. They. Have. To. Do. This. EVERY. Night? [Unbeknownst to John, one of the lesser known features of Windows 95 is that if you bang your head on the keyboard enough times, it starts randomly opening dimensional portals if one of the keys you whack is the little 'windows' key. He's about to have visitors.] John: [finally calms down] Well, I think I'll write a little more of Lemon Sherbet now. [He proceeds to type: Shampoo stormed in. "Shampoo want...I mean, I WANT..." Biles sighed. "Yeah, yeah. You want sex, you want sex, you want sex. Is that all you ever want?" "Can't I have real, satisfying sex with someone attractive? Even Nabiki got some!" "No she didn't." Dark Queen Urd said. "Unless you count that scene with you..." "What? She lied to me! She said she got to sleep with Ranma, and Mousse, and..." "Yeesh, the real you is even more gullible than..." Biles started to say. Shampoo whacked him in the head with a mace. "If I don't get some, I'll..." "Have to use your bonbori as a dildo?" Dark Queen Urd asked. "Look, go on out and I'll make sure you get some." "This is another trick!" "You'll never know if you don't try." Shampoo went outside. "So how angry will she be with us after this?" Biles asked. "Very." **********************************************************************] John: [cackles] I win again, Lews Therin! [Suddenly, two hands wrap around his throat and start throttling him] AFLDKJFD!!! [He tries to twist around, but the grip is too strong. He can't even tell who is trying to kill him.] Shampoo: Shampoo finally get even with evil American! Shampoo had enough humiliation and pain! Shampoo will kill all evil fanfic writers! First you, then Shampoo go kill Seawright! Then... [John is starting to turn blue. He tries to type something, but Shampoo pulls him away from the keyboard.] Shampoo: Shampoo not stupid! She not let you type something like 'And then a giant anvil fell on Shampoo's head!' [By now, people are starting to stare, but no one does anything.] Psycho Girl: Oh, I bet she's a vampire. John: [closes his eyes and gives up, thinking] Well, I guess I'll have to wait until you die to see you again, Rachel. Bye everyone...At least this means I won't have to grade all those essay tests. That's ONE good thing... [Just when it seems all hope is lost, *WHANG!* Shampoo gets clocked in the head by...] Ukyou: That's enough, Shampoo. Shampoo: Aiya! Stay out of this, Ukyou! Why you care if I strangle him? [John manages to wriggle loose while Shampoo is distracted.] Ukyou: Hey, a goddess has to take care of her worshippers, ya know. You'd do the same for ...ahh...There has to be SOMEONE who likes you... Shampoo: [whips out a pair of bonbori] Shampoo has plenty of mindless, drooling fanboys, thank you! [leaps at Ukyou. THey start trashing the lab. John quickly goes to his computer and starts trying to save everything while he still can.] John: [as the Max Weber paper finishes saving] Thank you, God. [He removes the disk and pockets it. Suddenly, he is being strangled again. This time it's a ribbon around his throat] AJKDFJD!! Kodachi: HOHOHOHOHOH!!!!!! You've delayed my elseworlds story far too long! Now you pay with your life! And I know you're not going to let me get any in Lemon Sherbet either! No one EVER LETS ME GET ANY! NOW YOU PAY!!!!! John: [coughs out] Tell...David...and...Dov...to...hurry...Can't...write... yours...till they...finish. Kodachi: LIAR!!!! You killed me in both of those fairy tales too! John: [gives up, decides to be defiant] You...deserved it... [Suddenly, Kodachi collapses with a mallet buried in her head.] Akane: I think that's quite enough. John: Boy, am I glad to see you. Akane: I want to kill you myself. John: ... Akane: [starts hammering John into the ground with chairs, mallets, croquet poles, passing wombats, etc] ONCE AGAIN, YOU WROTE A STORY WHERE UKYOU GETS RANMA INTO BED WITH HER BEFORE I DO! John: But in my very first story, you got Ranma all to yourself! Well, he chose you, anyway! [takes some time to scream in pain] And I tried to write you nicely in DnR! Akane: Too bad! I never accept Ranma's excuses either and I love him! John: [Pause. Scream in pain. Pause] But...but...[crumpled up on the floor] Help. Voice: JUPITER OAK REVOLUTION!!!!!! [Akane is hit by a barrage of exploding oak leaves and tossed across the lab.] Psycho Boy: Woah. Must be Order of Hermes. John: Thanks...I hope. Sailor Jupiter: [picks up John off the floor] You don't look so good. [carries him to a corner] Should be easier to keep you safe here. John: You're not going to try to kill me? Sailor Jupiter: You're great! John: You're not mad about you and ... Sailor Jupiter: I like 'em both! No problems! John: [breathes a sigh of relief] Whew. Voice next to John: There you are, you bastard! John: [turns slowly] Uh, do I know... [Lum is standing there.] Lum: How could you dare to turn me, an Oni Princess, into a HUMAN? John: Uh...to be funny? Lum: DIVINE RETRIBUTION! [electrocutes John] Sailor Jupiter: Hey, how'd you get past me? [attacks Lum. They start brawling] John: Maybe I should just kill myself now. Priss [in hardsuit] : And spare me the pleasure? John: ... Priss: You let that punk rat bastard Saotome beat me up in RanmaPunk 2033, and now I'm gonna get even! John: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! [Starts running along the wall. Priss tracks him with a barrage of heavy fire, but he barely keeps ahead of it. He runs past Psycho boy and Psycho girl. Priss cuts them in half with her barrage.] Well, at least something has gone right today. [realizes he is now trapped in another corner] Uh...I don't suppose you'd be willing to talk this out? Priss: No. Not in character for me. [raises her arm to fire, then she gets kicked from behind and flies across the room into the wall.] Ranma: Rat bastard, eh? I'll show you rat bastard! [leaps at Priss. Another brawl is soon in progress] John: [slumps down in the corner] I'm not an anime character. I can't take this kind of punishment. [feels something touching his shoulders. Panics and tries to scamper away but gets grabbed] No...don't hurt me... Ami: [gives John a hug] Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you. John: [looks suspicious] Are you sure? Ami: [snuggles up to John] Don't worry. You've only done good things to me in your stories. John: [starts to relax despite the growing brawl in the lab] Thanks. Why is everyone here, anyway? Ami: Another Windows 95 bug. John: ... Ami: And one of the gods proclaimed this the season for vengeance on fanfic authors. John: ... [looks around. By now, the entire casts of Ranma 1/2, UY, Sailor Moon, and BGC are brawling. Dole, across the street, explodes as Ryouga fires a chi blast into it at a bunch of boomers] Maybe we should run while we still can. Ami: Hai. [They flee the wreckage of the lab and start down the street, only to be confronted by Rei] Rei: YOU BASTARD! John: ... Ami: Hey, he hasn't done anything to you! Rei: You took away my powers in Z4! John: That was Jeff Hosmer! Rei: You didn't stop him! John: [smiles grimly] Okay, I didn't. What are you going to do about it? [Rei tosses a spirit ward at him. Nothing happens.] John: Too bad I'm not an evil spirit. [advances on Rei] Rei: ...Umm...stop or I'll say stop again? John: [picks up Rei and punts her into orbit] I always wished Usagi would do that...just once. Ami: [looks back] They've spotted us! RUN!!!!!! [John leads Ami up the hill, into an ugly building, through it and out the other side.] Ami: What was the point of that? John: Hehe. Military science building. Let them play with the ROTC boys for a while. [Sounds of abject anarchy and machinegun fire from the Military Science building] ******************************************************************* [Still: John's Room. Think Four brick walls, a window, a bed with green sheets and a battered white comforter that's seen better days, like back during World War II, a desk piled with junk, a floor piled with junk, and a wall covered with Ranma 1/2, Sailor Moon, and Tenchi Muyou Posters. Oh, and printed out .gifs and .jpgs. Ami and John are sitting on the bed. Well, John's on the bed, Ami is on his lap.] John: [arms around Ami] Are you sure you can't build a forcefield generator to protect my dorm? There's only so many buildings on campus and sooner or later they'll level them all and find us. Ami: What do you propose I build it with? Your history books? Your canned goods? These bedsheets maybe? John: Uh...I have a TV too. Ami: Let's just relax a little before we have to run. [turns to kiss him, but then...] [The door opens and a small horde troops in. There are sounds of people being piled up in the living room. John's room itself soon fills up with Ranma, Ukyou, Makoto, Usagi, Nene, Shinobu, Nabiki, Minako, Gosunkugi, Akemi, Leon, Umino, and Naru all pile in.] Kasumi: [from out in the living room] Now, be nice, and maybe we'll untie you all later. Would anyone like some...Hmm. No tea. Diet Coke anyone? John: Please tell me you're not here to kick my butt. Ranma: [smiles] No, no, we're here to help you. I've got a clever plan to improve your life. John: [pales] I...uh... Ranma: After all, you always complain about how nothing exciting ever happens to you and your love life is pathetic and how you wish things could be more like the stories you write, right? John: .... [thinking] Those whom the gods would destroy, they first give what they think they wanted. Nabiki: First of all, we've got Washuu busy making some improvements on your apartment for you. Nene: I hacked into the University system and now you get 3% of all university revenues diverted into your personal swiss bank account. John: But I don't have one. Nene: [hands John a bank book] You do now. John: [thinking] This might actually be good. Ranma: I'm going to teach you martial arts. John: How am I going to find time to... Washuu: [pops her head in] I just slowed the rotation of the earth so you'd have an extra two hours a day for your martial arts training. John: ... Ami: ... Washuu: I also installed a two way teleporter so you can go visit your friends whenever you like. John: [thinking] This all sounds really good...there has to be a catch. Makoto: [smiles] Including a certain someone in Japan. [John perks up a lot.] [Washuu leaves to go back to her work.] Usagi: And we're all going to move in with you! John : ... [faints] [They swiftly revive John] John: I...but...this suite is meant to hold four at most. Ukyou: Washuu's going to connect it to "Apartmentspace", a dimension that entirely consists of fully equipped, unoccupied apartments. We'll have plenty of room. John: When you say we, you mean... Leon: The entire casts of every story you've ever written. John: ... Ranma: You'll never be bored, ever again. John: ... Akemi: And we've got another surprise for you! John: [faintly] I can hardly wait. Ranma: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! John: Uhhh.... [Dark Queen Skuld walks in and injects John with something before he can react.] John: ACK! What'd you do to me? [starts to fidget nervously convinced something horrible is about to happen. It does. He turns into a girl.] Onna John: What the... Dark Queen Skuld: Well, we decided to pick a more obscure form of transformation. You've just been injected with a mixture of bone-marrow transforming micromachines and Futaba extract. Onna John: You mean... Dark Queen Skuld: Well, we would have thrown girl-drown water on you, but no one wanted to go all the way to Jyusenkyo. So now you just change back and forth when you get stressed out or excited. Ranma: [laughs] Which should happen quite a bit with all of us around. Onna John: ... Ukyou: And of course, the final thing. Onna John: I'm afraid to ask. Makoto: You've done so much for our love lives we have to help you with yours! Onna John: Uh, thanks... Usagi: You're welcome! This is going to be so much fun! I think I'll cook dinner for everyone tonight! [Iris out to the sound of screams.] John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html http://www.dhp.com/~wraven/john/index.html [Andrew becomes a slimy toad. Karin acks and leaps back. Terri and Hayao blink.] Hayao: [thinking] This has potential. --The Eternal Game: OAV #1.